Illinois - 1/18/12 - v20i01 by The Black Sheep

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The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 20, Issue 1 1/19/12 - 1/25/12

theblacksheeponline.com

President Hogan’s Stance on

SOPA/PIPA President Michael J. Hogan wrote this

Students of this fine academic institution, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, there is a poison being spread through our great country, and it is intent on killing our freedom of speech. These venomous creatures come in the form of two bills: SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and PIPA (Protect IP Act). These bills have been birthed like the Terminator, bent on the destruction of everything our fine country stands for. Essentially these bills were made to censor our Internet in the guise of a hero, by using words like “Protect” and “Stop Online Piracy.” Some of you may be wondering why I chose The Black Sheep to share my opinions on this matter, rather than my usual venue, The Daily Illini. Well, it makes me ill to inform you that The Daily Illini is pro-SOPA/PIPA. All these years, it turns out the DI has been a government lackey, used to censor every last bit of information you students receive. When I discovered this cold truth, I knew there was only one paper left on campus that would stay true and honest to the people – the very paper our University has shunned from distributing in our buildings, making them the epitome of their name, The Black Sheep. China, Burma, Iran, North Korea – these are all countries who currently censor their Internet. Did you know that most people in China have never seen that infamous picture of the Tiananmen Square protests? That is because their government censors the Internet, giving it the ability to pick and choose what type of information is given to their people. Do you wish to be ignorant of famous rebels like the tank guy or James Dean? I know I don’t. Furthermore, you can forget about using your precious procrastination time playing on Facebook or Twitter or YouTube, as these websites are all big targets of the

SOPA/PIPA charge. If the government passes SOPA or PIPA, they will be given the power to take legal action against something as innocent as a child singing a famous song on YouTube – and that’s half of the reason YouTube exists! Plus we all end up sharing those videos on our social media – I know my darling wife Virginia can’t get enough of the stuff. Do you want your adorable baby sister to be under attack by the government for singing her favorite Ke$ha song? Sure, it was inappropriate for her to sing in the first place, but that’s how it got so many hits! And I know nobody really blogs anymore, but for the few of you out there who do – say goodbye to that too. Do you like watching a little adult entertainment on your laptop when your wife has gone away to her book club for the afternoon? Well, if SOPA/PIPA are passed you can just FORGET IT! You better start collecting your mom’s old Sears catalogs and bookmarking the lingerie sections, because SOPA/PIPA are attacking the porn’s best venue, the Internet. I bet you didn’t know how much of that spunk you watch was pirated. But those

bouncing boobies and double penetration films are a form of art, and in my eyes art should always be made to be shared with the world. My children (Virginia’s and my children have all long since moved out of the nest, so I consider my students to be my children now), please do your research and make your own opinion of the matter, but I urge you to choose correctly! Don’t be fooled by the government’s tricks to avert your attention from the real matter at hand. And then join me in our rise against these leeches. Virginia and I will continue to make our videos where we clip pictures of the University together and string along some words of hope to some uplifting generic music, but if you play close attention you’ll notice how we’ll be acting as Tyler Durdens of the Internet, including pictures of my junk and Virginia’s play toys. Try to censor me, you beasts! Fear my retaliations in the face of oppression!

continued on page 19

Other stuff

Inside

Fears of a 2nd Semester Senior

Ode to My XBoX

Your Dog Wants You to Leave

There are many, because after college it’s just getting old and dying.

A genuinely hilarious article about a woman’s most recent love.

see page 5

see page 10

Hey, he gets tired of humping the same leg. see page 18

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Table of > > > PAGE 6>>>

Snow in January!

page 16 >> Drinking Game

PAGE 8 >>

The Black Sheep Interviews: page 16 >> Recipe for Disaster Butthole Burner- Need to rise The New Piano Man early? Now you can use your

What, with this unseasonably warm weather, the exclamation point is warranted.

Sharp Shooter only require guns if you take the game far too seriously.

He’s a little taller, but that just means it’ll be easier for him to see your adoring faces in the crowd.

page 9 >>

colon as an alarm clock!

Critical Mistakes You Made page 17 >> Alcohol Review Copa de Oro es malo, como Over Winter Break nuestro Español.

You don’t have to tell everyone about that homeless guy you stoned to death over break.

page 9 >>

contents

page 18 >> The Top Ten

From the Streets

What’s your favorite part about being back in Champaign?

PAGE 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

New Year’s Resolutions That You Have No Chance of Keeping.

These handsome hunks can’t wait to show you what they learned over break.

page 20 >> Our 2012 Predictions

When it's all said and done, John Cusack still can't save us.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr managerS Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page four

pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

yans seemed pretty the year. Those Ma Dear Carl, ding by the end of en rld wo the t ou I’m worried ab s? u help me with thi smart. How can yo Regards, Paranoid Parrot r what ’ll fondly remembe t, Silly Paranoid Parro mber 31st, 2012, we like the hype around Y2K and ce De on t igh dn mi ikes Much When the clock str thing Happened”. Hollywood “The Year Where No ar with high hopes of excitement and historians will call, morning, ye the the in gh will sit throu walking out of ATO The Hangover 2, we it feeling like a gal of t ou me co to ly special effects, on ir disappointed. food to pack in the ying as much frozen bu do d to an ct n pe tio ex ipa u yo tic ng down in an iously, what do Everyone is hunkeri are cheap, but ser al, people. Just . I know frozen fries u for long. Be ration yo n tai sus to ing freezers as possible go an they were ’t me isn ’t t die esn do at Th ? tem les d out the lunar sys ure with all those frycic My advice to fig ? o ars ag ye ars p ye lea billions of they even factor in Did . the fact because a society rld in wo ort the mf of exact end , just find co able to pinpoint the hell down. And worse comes to worse g jobs in this din fin t ou ab rry the wo ngs really. you is to just calm n we won’t have to as. It’s the little thi ds in December the lfriend for Christm gir that if the world en ky pic ersup ur get yo economy or what to Cheers, Carl

The poor freshman squirrel may not remember it, but last night was frickin’ awesome.

a slap in the face? some life advice, or maybe just Got a question? Concern? Need il.com Email our Editor at CKamp2@gma

Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really. pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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sexy anagrams >>>

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Myopiss

Rabid Radio

Helicopter His Norm

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: An act of urination that offers no daring, creativity or exciting circumstance. Shawn took a 2-tug myopiss in a well-lit bathroom, behind a double-locked door, into a toilet with the seat up.

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fears of a second semester senior john mchoneycombs wrote this I’m sad to say many of us are coming out of this four year drunken stupor they call college within the next few months. The haze of forgotten nights, experimental flings, and drunken photos that’ll only resurface if you try to run for office are nearly over. I’ve boned my fair share of sorostitutes and regurgitated my fair share of Keystone to admit that it was a good ride, but that nagging feeling knowing that the end is near is still looming over me and my fellow ‘12s’ shoulders. Many of us will have to get jobs or internships or attend grad school if we hope to survive in that desolate place known as the real world. Others may opt to remain here and take on the select role of a lovable, yet smelly hobo on Green street. I decided to join the military unlike most of you pussies and will be in the swamps of Virginia for months before heading to Afghanistan. Winter break is a horrible reminder of the lives we have waiting for us when we graduate. It’s a world of strange concepts like designated drivers and eight hour work days (no naps either). Just the other day I was invited to a friend’s house who was married and you know what his idea of a wild night was? A Netflix TV marathon. No nudity, no fighting, no pranks, no chugging whatever would get us drunk the fastest, just a bunch of people sitting around watching season two of How I Met Your Mother. If you didn’t just vomit in your mouth a little bit then you are not doing college right, my friend.

We can’t be too upset however, we ‘12s have the distinct pleasure of being the last class to graduate before the world ends. We’ll have the full experience of college with the least amount of soul-crushing real world realities to deal with. Suck it freshmen, have fun not knowing what it’s like to drink in a bar without fearing some guy asking to see your ID. Though the world may end in December, for us it will actually end in May. This knowledge does put us on edge but the idea of the end makes every shot gunned beer sweeter, every random hookup hotter, and every Fat Sandwich tastier. I used to always wonder why alumni would stop outside fraternity houses and just stare longingly as a single tear swelled up and fell down their faces. I now find myself stopping at dumpsters I liked to piss behind or balconies from where I liked to pick fights and offer up a moment of silence in remembrance of those great times. This is our last chance to fulfill our bucket list dreams from having sex on the Alma Mater to punching that ‘help stop violence’ guy in the face. This needs to be our wildest semester yet, inhibitions must be ignored, destinies must be fulfilled, and blood must flow down the streets – er, well maybe not on that last one. I strongly encourage you all to act out your wildest fantasies before the clock strikes midnight and Cinderella has to call a cab because “seriously guys, I’ve got work in the morning.”

breaking news:

snow in january! slang wrote this For the last few weeks we’ve all been enjoying the freakishly warm weather, driving at high speeds with the windows down, and wearing light jackets. Mother Nature must have gotten laid, because the weather’s been pretty damn great, but in the back of our minds we knew the day would come. We knew it would grow cold and white, and all of our fun would have to stop for a few months. Or at least the intelligent people did. Those who weren’t fortunate enough to be given any common sense have, apparently, been caught off guard by the recent snowstorm. I will spare no feelings when I tell all of you people to calm the hell right down about the snow and the cold weather. There are some things about living in Illinois that are inevitable: corrupt governors, mediocre football teams, humid summers, and big shocker here, frigidly cold winters. Expecting snow during the winter is a given, and if this really caught you all off guard, it’s your own damn fault. Not even forty-five seconds after the first few snowflakes fell, Twitter and Facebook were plagued with posts bitching about the weather. “OMG SNOW!!” “UGGHHH. I hate the snow soooo much! Why can’t it be warm out?!?!” Because it’s the middle of January, you stupid twit. Science and history pretty much guarantee us snow at some point, yet most people are acting as though they’ve never seen snow before in their lives. The rest of you can pretty much shut the hell up, because you knew this would happen. It’s like you all got sudden amnesia, or maybe you thought you’d magically tele-

ported to the southwest overnight. I can’t think of any other reasonable explanation for you all being so shocked by the snow. If we were in southern California, and it started snowing, then I would gladly accept all of this whining and moaning about how cold it is. Common sense tells you that snow is rare in that part of the country, so being pissed about it would be entirely fine if that were the case, but it isn’t.

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Being upset about the snow now is basically like being pissed about a jalapeño being spicy. “Oh my God! This is so hot in my mouth! What’s even going on right now? Why is it so hot?” Because that’s the god damn natural state of things. You know, kind of like how freezing cold and snowy winters are just the natural occurrences around this area of the country. What saddens me the most is that the whole stupid lot of you acting so surprised and upset about the snow are the same people who bitched about this last year, and you’ll all whine even more in the winter of 2013. I strongly urge all of you to transfer schools. You hate snow that much? Great, get the hell out of Illinois. Have you seen the acceptance rates for some of the west coast schools? They’re easier to get into than Kim Kardashian’s pants. Go there and try to experience the whole dry heat thing (I think it’s a bigger myth than unicorns, but hey, worth a shot). If you can’t afford to leave the snow, then please do everyone around you a favor and quit fucking whining about the inevitable. Embrace and accept it.

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the black sheep interviews: the new piano man john mchoneycombs wrote this The reign of terror the old Piano Man held over the Canopy Club every Tuesday night is over. Now the new Piano Man’s reign of terror has begun and here are some interesting facts and opinions straight from the man who actually wants to hear you slur the words to Billy Joel songs: What’s your name: Benjamin Montalbano What, are you related to Ricardo Montalban or something: … Never mind, how old are you and where are you from: I’m 21 and a Junior at the University. I study music composition. I’m from Dwight, a.k.a the middle of nowhere, and I’m very single, ladies! Like, too single. Send some titties my way. How long have you been involved in music: I’ve been playing piano since I was five years old, and I can play the banjo, bass, guitar, and fiddle. That’s quite the impressive repertoire, so how did you land this gig?: I saw the audition and kicked ass. My friends even fed me some drinks to try to stay true to the experience. That’s probably what put you over the edge. What are your favorite songs to play/ listen to?: I really like to play “American Pie” and of course I have to change whiskey and rye to whiskey and beer. Would you consider yourself a manchild, like the last piano man?: Nope, not a manchild; I’m 6 feet tall. Who’s your favorite pianist?: Pavarti Roughly how much ass do you expect this gig to pull you per week?: I’m expecting my ass getting percentage to increase by 100%...on the first day. Quite the ambitious estimation, so Bulls or Heat?: Bulls for sure. Fuck LeBron James! I can play piano so much better than he can. Who would you do - Fat Jonah Hill or skinny Jonah Hill?: Both, fat Jonah Hill to cuddle with and skinny Jonah Hill to show off to my friends.

Do your piano playing skills improve as you get drunker or deteriorate?: They seem to get better to me at least. To hell with what everyone else thinks. What makes you want to play for screaming drunk girls every Tuesday night?: All those screaming drunk girls remind of my mom. How many drunk frat boys could you take in a fight?: -3 but probably +10 with drunk sorority girls. Who would you most like to jam with?: Bach, he’s the shit, and I mean it. So how long are you going to keep this gig going?: I’m gonna be Piano Man for one and a half years. Do you suspect that after your gig is up you’ll move to Texas and take up ministry music?: Fuck ministry music. Do you have any last words for our readers out there?: Come out every Tuesday night and get shitfaced; it’ll be a good time! So there you have it kids. If you want to drunkenly scream out your favorite 80’s pop song, don’t do it at a bar or in the backseat of a squad car. Come see the new Piano Man at Canopy Club every Tuesday night. If you’re lucky, you might even get to see his package (he may or may not have promised that).

www.theblacksheeponline.com

From 'da Streets

Critical Mistakes

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

You Made Over Winter Break

"What is the best part of being back on campus?"

"Fratting hard." - Spenser W., Junior

cleves wrote this Winter Break is a time to sit back, relax, and enjoy a couple rounds of tequila shots with your friends and family. You slaved away at school for an entire semester: having to sit through group projects, going to class twice a week, working that part time job to support your drinking habits. Phew, I’m surprised you even survived! That’s exactly why we were granted an entire month off – to relieve all that stress that was built up for over four months. The fact that you basically have no responsibilities for four weeks means that you probably went a little overboard with the whole “relieving stress” thing. And by “overboard” I mean that you made some mistakes that could be detrimental to your future. You do realize that you still have another semester where you actually have to do SOME work, right? Unless you graduated, and in that case, screw you. All That Unprotected Sex You Had You know, just because you’re not actually in a college town doesn’t mean that you can have all the condomless sex you want with no repercussions. Regardless of what anyone has told you, STDs and pregnancy still happen even if you do it in your parents' basement. So more likely than not, you either have a bun in the oven or something funky growing down south. Go wait six hours at McKinley for an STD test. Porn Addiction With all that free time on your hands during the day, it’s easy to fall into some addictions, one of which is definitely porn. I mean I can’t blame ya. What else is there to do when you’re bored? Visit your grandma? Apply for jobs? Volunteer at the local soup kitchen? No, it’s all about getting a little porn fix and wishing your significant other would do some of the things that you see on all these crazy websites. But it’s going to be a little harder to keep up this addiction in front of your roommates or in the middle of a lecture hall. Better start weaning yourself off instead of getting yourself off.

gans. Monkey business. What you don’t know is that the authorities realize that it’s winter break, and that all of you krazy kollege kidz are back in town ready to be little shitheads. They are on the prowl. So doing donuts in the church parking lot, urinating off of the top of Town Hall, breaking into your elementary school and drawing penises on the chalkboard, and throwing rocks at freight trains (all things you used to be able to get away with) means that you racked up quite a few court dates and fines. Your Parents Now Officially Hate You You came home at 4:00 a.m. drunk every night, snuck multiple sexual partners in their home, stole all of their food/liquor/money, ruined all of the holidays, and made their life a living hell for a month. Now you are pregnant, have an STD, are addicted to porn, and have a warrant out for your arrest. Good luck every getting your parents to love you again. You have a lot of damage control to do, my friend.

"more likely than not, you either have a bun in the oven or something funky growing down south."

Criminal Record There’s something about being back in your hometown that makes you commit all sorts of tomfoolery. Shenani-

So you made a bunch of mistakes over Winter Break. Don’t worry; it should only take about a year or so to recover. It may seem like a long time, but in proportion to how much you screwed up, it’s really nothing. Just make sure to do your best this semester, before you just go straight to hell. Especially since Spring Break is coming up, and God only knows what’s going to happen to you then.

"Slaying bitches." - Andrew C., Junior

"Blacking out for MLK day." - Dan W., Junior

www.theblacksheeponline.com

SHOUT OUTS!

ode to my xbox: a break well-spent kitty kat wrote this Oh my XBox, I love you so. How you stand proudly next to my TV. If I could, I’d never let you go. I’d take you everywhere with me.

I know you were excited Christmas Day, When I opened up Modern Warfare 3. A thrilling new game that I could play, Forever just my XBox and me.

So plastic, so black, so sharp, so sleek, With two trendy controllers to match. I could spend hours on you, an entire week. XBox, you’re one hell of a catch.

You and I prestiged in a whirl, Leaving the 12-year-old boys in shock. Which is good considering I’m a girl, And you, well you’re only a box.

I was tired of exams and hours in class; Winter break was just what I needed. An excuse to relax and just sit on my ass, Until these four weeks were completed.

Who needs membership to a nice gym When Kinect games can keep me in line? Zumba always made sure I stayed slim, And that my ass would keep looking fine.

Your friend Netflix and I made a good team, On a cold and rainy afternoon. As long as you kept your ring of green gleam, I will never have to leave my room.

Without you, what would my break be? A month of sleeping and eating like shit? I’d even have to spend time with my family. I’d do anything to get out of it.

Thousands of movies and TV shows, Available to watch instantly. All daytime programming on TV blows, But that had no affect on me.

I’d only take breaks to eat or go pee; And I’d run back as fast as I could. Ignoring my sister begging me to play Wii, Just like any loyal friend should.

We would watch South Park for hours a day, Almost finishing all fifteen seasons. Then once in a while a documentary, If the topic was something in reason.

I thought nothing could get in our way. Our romance was one for the books. But then it hit me, one dark, dreary day: Nothing is as good as it first looks.

So many movies I never would’ve seen, Or never cared about before; But I clicked and I watched. As for me, I became one huge Netflix whore.

On the horizon, it was advancing: The return of the spring semester. With no more time for games or dancing, Just classes and homework to master.

Sometimes you’d sit and stare back at me, “Really? You’re watching movies again? Isn’t there somewhere else you should be? Why don’t you go out and make some friends?”

I’d have to decide which one to choose. Should I play Call of Duty or study? Should I stay in or go out and booze? I mean I’m really lacking on money.

“You lay on your bed for hours each day. Go out, get a job, make some money.” But I would just laugh and continue to play, “Oh my Xbox, you are so funny!”

Who am I kidding? Of course alcohol wins! But while I’m out, you know I’ll stay true. After too many shots that lead to the spins, I’ll come home and spend more time with you.

Court – did you really come back to our place early and move everything in my room? I can’t find anything! Just wait until you leave for a weekend… Bartender at Kams who looks a little like Jonah Hill...I like the chubbie ones. We should make use of the basement one night. -Blonde in the red tank on Monday Jake, that was an epic party, but seriously, who clogged the toilet? Thanks for not getting too mad when my friend and I peed in your trash can...-Sarah Danny, sorry we broke your TV… who knew those hand straps on the Wii remotes would have come in handy? Chris, there’s no way you are moving in with that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS! Are you ready for one last semester, girls of 412? Time to get crayyyyyyyyyyyy! First day of class... gloomy days ahead fellow Illini... here's a shout out to all my hot pants now in storage. So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week... already broken...so sad...-Jess John, new resolution, no fatties this year. Deal? -Brian Naperville Sarah J - It was great "reconnecting" over break, but uhh...I'll see you in the summer. Cool? - Dave SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans UFC: Guillard vs. Miller Live at 8PM!

SAT 1/21

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

BUM JUKEBOX & MORE! (Early Show) BACK TO SCHOOL DJ DANCE PARTY! (Late Show)

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

The Sugar Prophets Live at 10PM

$2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles Live Music - Check It Out!

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

ILLINI GAMEDAY! Free Shuttle to the Game! NFL PLAYOFFS! $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

Book Your Spring Events Here!

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints Free Shuttle to ALL Illini Basketball Games!

SPECIAL NIGHT WED 1/18

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

SUN 1/22

Closed

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

MON 1/23

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, & Bud and Bud Light

Check out CanopyClub.com for all our Spring 2012 concert announcements!

Salsa Night with DJ LUNIKS $1 Wells $2 Corona Bottles

TUES 1/24

Taco Tuesday $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Come and hear our new Piano Man - BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$1 Cover for 21+ | $3 Cover for under 21

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints Karaoke!

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts and Busch Light Cans! $1 Cover

BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 Captain Morgan 24oz RUM BOMB $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

WED 1/25

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

No More Reservations about Your Resolutions. A gym, for more working out? Got it. A grocery store, for healthy snacks? Got it. An awesome location, for actually going to class? Yup, got that too.

WE’RE PET FRIEND LY!

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. 10-Foot Ceilings. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT WED 1/18

$7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

THURS 1/19

1/2 Price Burgers $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

FRI 1/20

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Any Draft

THE GREAT COVER UP! Hathaways, That's No Moon, Hot Cops, Sun Stereo, Dirty Feathers, Terminus Victor, and Isaac Arms! Doors @8PM!

GET ABSOLUTLY JAMO'ED! $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Absolut Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs ILLINI vs Penn State 8pm Captain Morgan Launch Party Win an IPAD 2! $3 Captain Morgan $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs Bulls @6pm - Hawks @7pm

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

Salsa (Early) DJ Delayney (Late) $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

SAT 1/21

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs or any other Bacardi Flavor $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi Oak Heart

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

MATTY G & 6BLOCC w/ Special Guests DJ Belly, White Rabbit, Ruckus, Brandon, and MORE!

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 1/22

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

ILLINI GAMEDAY Wisconsin vs Illini 1pm $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE 2pm-Patriots vs Ravens 5:30pm-49ers vs Giants $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

ILLINI GAMEDAY! $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

SUNDAY FUNDAY & ILLINI GAMEDAY Come Watch B. Paul Kill Some Badgers... $4 Cups of Shots

MON 1/23

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special $2 Bud & Bud Light 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo $1 Shots

$1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $2 Svedka Vodka $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

TUES 1/24

SUNDAY FUNDAY & ILLINI GAMEDAY Come Watch B. Paul Kill Some Badgers... $4 Cups of Shots

Tuesday Night Hockey WIN HAWKS vs BLUES TIX $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4pm-10pm $2 Wells & Captain Morgan $6 Sharkbowls $5 Bud Light Pitchers Hawks vs Predators 7:30pm

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

$1 U CALL IT DJ A-Ron

1/2 Price Burgers 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moons $2 Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

WED 1/25

TH: THE GREAT COVER UP Hathaways, That's No Moon, Hot Cops, Sun Stereo, Dirty Feathers, Terminus Victor, and Isaac Arms! Doors @8PM!

SUNDAY: ILLINI GAMEDAY Wisconsin vs Illini 1pm $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE 2pm-Patriots vs Ravens 5:30pm-49ers vs Giants $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special $2 Bud & Bud Light 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

ICB’s $3.50$4Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs Private Party from 10-Close

$6 Late Night Food Specials

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Special Night $2 Coors Light and Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Miller Light Draft 6-8 Daily Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

Wednesday

$3 Strong Islands

BEST LOCATION. BEST VIEW. BEST SCENE.

WELCOME TO 309 GREEN!

• Luxurious wood floors, stainless appliances, granite counters and flat screens in every apartment

• Pool, hot tub, fitness center • Roommate matching Available • Grad Students: 1/2 price sec. deposit

PRICES STARTING AT $795 (INCLUDING ALL UTILITIES) THAT’S LIKE A BASE RENT OF $725/MONTH! 309 E. Green, Champaign, IL 61820 • 217.351.8900 • Roland-Realty.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN MON: $1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

FRIDAY: Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

THURSDAY: Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

SPECIAL NIGHT

BUD SUPERBOWL! $1.50 Bud Drafts and Bottles, $5 Pitchers $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain and Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 1/18

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ JAY $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

THURS 1/19

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Late Night Dance Party w/ DJ John Han $3.50 Svedka Blue Guys $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $2 DR Shots

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

FRI 1/20

DJ SPEED! 4 Rebels Party @ 10PM Miller Party 8-10PM Check out the new Punch Top Cans - $2

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl$2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs $3 Any Bacardi Bomb $3 Bud Light Bottles

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

SAT 1/21

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

Book your Next Party at The Red Lion Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

SUN 1/22

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

$1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 1/23

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

SATURDAY: DJ SPEED! 4 Rebels Party @ 10PM Miller Party 8-10PM Check out the new $2 Punch Top Cans

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

ILLINI BASKETBALL! IL vs. WISC at 1PM Open at 11AM Try an Absolut Blue Guy $2 Lites & Contests!

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS NITE OUT "Beer Lovers Night" $1 Fatty Bottles $2 Domestic $1 Wells, $2 Energy Btls. & Drafts Drinks, $2 Bottles $ 3 Import and Specialty $3 Pitchers! Btls. & Drafts

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

$3.50 Double Jim Beam & Red Stag $4.50 Double Pucker, $1.50 Lites

BUD SUPERBOWL! $1.50 Bud Drafts and Bottles, $5 Pitchers $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 1/25

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

KID ROCK AIR GUITAR CONTEST & COUNTRY NIGHT!

TUES 1/24

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

RESOLVE TO RESOLVE TO

not get burnt on Spring Break by actually tanning before.

LIVE SOMEWHERE WORTH LIVING! RESOLVE TO

do 25 push-ups in a row (and to run a mile without panting).

COME FIND OUT WHY THE VILLAGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE IN CHAMPAIGN/URBANA! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

RESOLVE TO

move somewhere worth bringing someone home to!

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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Bartenders

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Week

of the

Relationship Status: Single Biggest turn on? Any girl that will Tebow What is your new years resolution? No more one night stands Favorite shot? In the face If you had a time machine what would you change about 2011? More one night stands What is the best night to bartend? MNJ (Mondays) One thing you are going to miss about being home? Old flings What drink are you sick of making? Dirty Girl Scouts Where was the first time you got to second base? My parents’ bed What’s the craziest thing you did over break? Participated in a screaming eagle

Mike K. Joe's

Jared B. kams

drinking game

sharpshooter Hey there sharp shooter, I bet you're bored with all these tame drinking games – how’s about we get into the big leagues? What You’ll Need: Four Dixie cups per player, four different brands of the same type of alcohol, a Sharpie, and a good memory. Number of Players: Two is all you need, but the more people who play, the more you can team up to win the game. Intoxication Level: Con artists everywhere spend their entire lives plastered; you’ll get to learn what it feels like to live one night of their life. How to Play: - Write numbers 1 through 4 on the bottom of four Dixie cups. Assign these four Dixie cups to the same player. Repeat until all players have four Dixie cups labeled 1-4. - The “Sharp Shooter” secretly assigns which Dixie cup number coordinates with which vodka and pours the shots accordingly. Do not let opposing players know which cups hold which liquor. - The team then takes the four shots right in a row. After disposing of the shots, the players are allowed to come up with a strategy in order to guess which shots are which vodkas. - Each player guesses the four shots alone, and the Sharp Shooter must tell the player which shots they guessed correctly. - Any shots guessed incorrectly must be refilled and taken again before they are to be guessed again. The Game Ends When: You’ve completely demolished your short term memory.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Major: Communication Relationship Status: Single What do you think was the number one song of 2011? Sexy and I Know It #TRUTH Who is your celebrity look-alike? Jonah Hill (fat version) What was the best Christmas present you received? I’m Jewish… Dreidle duh If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be? Underground High Stakes Dreidel Games Favorite movie quote. Borat: Scarface: "Say hello to my little friend" When you looked in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? Damn, I need to hit the Shake Weight

recipe for disaster:

butthole burner Every once in awhile, all you need is a good case of the burning shits. Seriously, we were once told that you don’t become a man until you’ve experienced such bad diarrhea that you can’t clench your butt cheeks for an entire week without crying. What you’ll need: Curry powder, cayenne pepper, four cups of Sriracha, and the Naja Jolokia, which is confirmed to be the hottest pepper on earth, and egg noodles. Cook Time: About fifteen minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll lose about ten pounds from sweating/pooping after this. Let’s get baked: -Boil 6 cups of water. -Cook the egg noodles. -Get a giant bowl, and mix together curry powder and Sriracha. -Chop up the cayenne pepper and the Naja Jolokia peppers; add to bowl. -Finally, add the noodles. -Now, put on your diaper and get ready to feel the burn. Take caution before eating this; you might actually pass out. But it’s technically a really good form of cleansing. Not to mention you can brag to all the ladies about how much spicy food you can consume. Just make sure you don’t shit your pants while bragging.

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

Copa De Oro C-

Overview Copa De Oro. Sounds exotic right? It is, very. Imported from “sunny Mexico,” this coffee liqueur tastes like coffee…but gets you drunk! Too good to be true, you say? YOU’RE RIGHT! IT IS! AND I’M NORT DRANKING IRT NOOOOOWWWZZZZzzzzzzzz Mexicooooo.

Typical Drinkers Kitten cats, fake owls, people who look like bobble heads, triplets, union poopers, janitors, fruit pickers, professors, jockeys, Michael Jordan, and some people say Janet Jackson sprinkles Copa De Oro on her brother’s grave once a month.

History It’s a little-known fact that the entire staff of The Black Sheep all happen to be Mexican. No matter what the skinny, blonde, blue-eyed “Mike Benson” tells you - we are all mustachioed, sombrero-wearing, chubby Mexicans hammering away at our type writers in the ARC basement. But back to this coffee drank - Copa, meaning “Coffee” and De Oro, meaning “Black like Oreos,” is thick and a perfect substitute for actual coffee. In fact, it is a Mexican tradition to drink coffee liqueur instead of actual coffee. And although that statement might be completely false, it doesn’t matter because now it is bouncing around your brain forever.

Conclusion This is good stuff, but don’t drink it alone. I mean, drink it with stuff - there are some nifty drinks you can make with coffee liqueur, for example we drank ours with IcE CrEaM and it was... well, it was just all right. Very sweet. Get some for a "skipping class because it's cold" party, or get some to put in your roommate’s coffee and then watch them question their consciousness like “I feel like I’m drunk... How am I drunk? WHAT IS HAPPENING?” and then maybe they’ll commit suicide, and you’ll get straight A’s. Win!

The mixer Center with ice cream: C+ with COffee: B-

with coke: F With the housekeeper: A+

k c a b e m o c wel y! let’s part

$15

Handle of Burnett’s (1.75 L)

30 Pack of Keystone

$14

OFFERS EXPIRE 1/22/2012

Hometown Pantry 601 E GREEN ST | CHAMPAIGN | 217.344.8578

THe top ten

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New Year’s Resolutions That You Have No Chance of Accomplishing 10) Getting in shape: You were perfectly content drinking every day and stuffing your face with Fat Sandwich’s fat sandwiches and Geo’s chicken strips every night before bed. Then you went home for break and your parents were seriously questioning whether you were preggers or just wearing a fat suit. Obviously it’s time to put down the mayo-covered Jimmy John’s sandwich and get yourself to the gym. Then again the gym is far away and it’s also really cold out. Okay, diet and exercise start tomorrow. Or the day after. 9) Actually Work Hard in School: Turns out you had a bit too much fun last semester and found yourself on academic probation. It’s okay though; this semester will be different. No more skipping class for all-day drinking binges or lying in bed watching bad daytime television. You’re going to attend your classes, you’re going to do you’re readings, and you’re finally going to look at a campus map and figure out where the library is. Or you just live it up for one more semester and take your job back home working at a car wash when you fail out.

your dog wants you to leave drop the grace wrote this By the end of the month-long winter holiday break, most parents and younger siblings are more than ready for their college-aged family member to head back to their respective schools. To our surprise, our families adjust extremely well when we leave, and somehow manage to live a life that doesn’t revolve around us. This is why when we come home we like to sneak back into the routine and make sure that there is always a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the pantry, that the DVR is set to record American Horror Story, and that your sister will pick you up every time you go get drunk. Just to make sure they know that you still run this shit. Nobody, however, realizes that the person who is most ready for you to GTFO is not a person at all; it is your dog.

up in that elf costume and took dozens of photos to later ruin his reputation with on Facebook. After that, all hell broke loose when Billy started smelling something peculiar under the tree and realized that he had a new sibling, a new puppy. Now not only are you stealing attention on your vacation, but also this new puppy that was your idea will be robbing your veteran champ of the endless kisses and encouraging ear scratches he deserves. Did you notice your dog licking itself inappropriately more than usual? Well he was, just so when you finally did pay him attention he planted that dirty tongue all over your face. What about the Kleenex from that cold you got? Didn’t realize that the fact that they were scattered all over the couch was an act of rebellion? Well it was. He’s setting you up – your parents think you’re a chronic masturbater now.

"your weird drunken antics confuse Toto more than thunder or the vacuum."

In most households, the dog is the “favorite child” and biggest attention-getter. The initial shock of you coming home will make Fido feel pee-on-the-kitchen-floor excited, but this pure happiness only lasts so long. Your out of control nocturnal schedule is messing with Lassie’s constant sleep schedule. Your weird drunken antics confuse Toto more than thunder or the vacuum. And your constant mess-making takes up all of your mom’s time, which leaves her too tired to spend her usual play time with Scruffy. Eventually you become the focus of its infantile doggie pranks in hopes that you catch the hint: time to go. Where did things go wrong? How did this rift come to be?

Let’s say your dog’s name is Billy, named after lead guitarist Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top, and he was ecstatic when you came home from break. At first you took Billy on trips to the park so that he could flirt with lady-dogs, and you always made sure his mouth was full of treats. Then you started to blow it, and guess what, now your dog hates you. It all started when you dressed your pup

Plus, you must’ve noticed that for the last two weeks you were home your dog wanted nothing to do with you until you had brought some tail home of your own. Suddenly he’s clingier than saran wrap. And what girl in her right mind would turn down an adorable dog that’s desperate for attention to service you? He’s pulled out the ultimate cockblock. Face the facts, the only time your dog likes you anymore is when you come home after receiving way too many Jagerbombs from that creepy high school teacher at your home town bar, and spill your attempted nachos all over the floor at 3 a.m. for him to scavenge. You’re leaving to go back to school? Yeah, your family and pups will rejoice without you.

8) Get Organized: Getting organized would be a great way to start the New Year. Let’s face it, your professors aren’t impressed by your handing in crumpled up balls from your backpack and calling it a term paper. Plus your room’s floor hasn’t been sighted in months as it is covered with your entire wardrobe. But finding your clothes hamper while drunk is difficult and spending money on folders is for suckers. 7) Learn Something New: So you can’t play sports, the only words you know in a foreign language pertain to ordering drinks or finding the bathroom. But instead of learning to play golf or paying for a Spanish tutor, why not just focus on the talents that you already have? Beer pong’s kind of a sport. And being able to understand that your friend needs to go to bed as he drunkenly rants incoherent words is essentially speaking a second language. Learning new things is for overachievers anyway. 6) Stop Opening Tabs: Not so much as your resolution as it is an attempt to pry your parent’s foot out of your ass. Clearly they don’t understand that credit cards are essentially magic money and will never come back to bite you in the long run. 5) Spend Less Time on Facebook: Don’t even kid yourself with this one. The inescapable habit of taking a three hour Facebook break after ten minutes of working on a paper is only going away if you delete the account. Somewhere Zuckerberg is doing in a maniacal laugh in a swivel chair. 4) Don’t Drink as Much: So being healthier and hitting the books probably aren’t going to happen unless you quit your midafternoon routine of watching pornography while drinking forties of Mickey’s. But let’s face reality folks; life’s better when you’re drunk. You’re funnier, more charming, and members of the opposite sex seem more attractive. 3) No More Drunk Food: Impossible. Why? Because sober you wants to quit eating drunk food. Drunk you loves drunk food. If you ever want to accomplish this feat, you’re going to have to record a video explaining why you need to quit eating drunk food and then get yourself to play it after taking shots of tequila. Good luck convincing yourself though, drunk you is kind of a dick. 2) Lose your Virginity: You and your friends weren’t cool enough to make a “let’s lose our virginity by graduation pact” in high school, so now you’re stuck going home and masturbating to weird pornos on Redtube. But not this year, this year you are going to go out and meet that special someone to lose it to. Or settle for anything that will touch your penis. Or sit in your room all year and watch porn. 1) Stop being such a Slut! Randomly emerging from the sandstorm of the Joe’s dance floor and grinding up against you won’t be all it takes to get in your pants this year. What the hell are you thinking? Everybody loves sluts! Well, I mean your friends whose boyfriends you’ve slept with don’t, but they aren’t important. Besides, drunk you likes sex, and as previously stated, does not give a damn about you’re resolutions.

ken doll wrote this

continued from cover story... I encourage all of you to do the same. We are now all soldiers in the war on Free Speech, so take pictures of your privates, private, and tweet them as hard as you can. Be sure to write things on your junk like “For freedom” or “Free Speech” or “I am opposed to the bills SOPA and PIPA and believe in this country’s right to Internet freedom” – all depending on how big your unit is and what you can fit, just do your best. If we get enough Private Parts for Piracy on the Internet, the government will be sure to notice our stance and see just what we’re capable of when pushed to the limit. Go even as far as to research which of your professors are in support of the plagues known as SOPA and PIPA. If any of them are, you have my personal endorsement to never attend that class again. This issue arising in our country is so much bigger than your grades, and these idiot professors who would support the local congressman who is pro-SOPA/PIPA need to be the ones who are taught a lesson for once.

apply online for fall 2012

trust us, you don't want to see these unblurred. Speaking of local congressmen, what is most important is that you contact your local congressman and threaten persuade him to be against SOPA/PIPA. We can post as many photographs of our Naked Bodies for a Naked Internet as we want, but what we really ought to focus on is ensuring the right people get into office to be at the front lines in our battle, armed with votes to take down the monster that is raging out of control. I have even gone as far as to join the collective group known as “Anonymous.” I understand that my outing myself as a member, doesn’t really make me quite an anonymous Anonymous member; however, I find it best that our University understand the lengths I am going to ensure the safety of our Internet, to give our students the best education possible. Let’s be honest, you all use the Internet for your research papers. Of course Anonymous may find me to be a bit of a pariah to their group, as I am horribly old, a pecker when it comes to typing, and really a dunce on a computer with no hacking abilities at all whatsoever. And sure, Anonymous has continuously asked me to stop affiliating myself with them through snail mail telling me that I am not in fact in the group, but I feel strongly that if our wants are to be ignored in cyberspace, I must stand up for what I believe in the more natural medium. Virginia and I are doing everything in our power to stop Stop Online Piracy Act and Protect IP Act, and we beg of you to do all that you can in your power to do the same. Go Illini!

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our 2012 predictions February 5: After Tom Brady secures a 27-25 Super Bowl victory on a Hail Mary, Tim Tebow appears above the crowd to denounce him as Satan. An epic battle ensues, with Brady winning. Tebow dies and immediately ascends to heaven, unlike Jesus, who had to wait three days.

By Brendan

April 5: On the night NBC

airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”

June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.

march 22:

january 30: In a shocking move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”

Less than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”

may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”

The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course—watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anythingbut-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time. At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a halfchub to a Rigid Richard in record time.

You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them. The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Boner-roo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.

A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.

2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise

reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.

september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.

November 6:

In his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I'm going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”

october 2: Less august 12: Dr.

Dre’s long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties the world over rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.

cd review

than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.

out now

Guided by voices Let’s Go Eat the Factory Guided by authenticity, these 90s badasses don’t disappoint.

Guided by Voices is somewhat of a cult band, and like most Hale-Bopp chasers, they’ve stayed perfectly underground. Comprised of five members, including lead man Robert Pollard, these indie rockers have been around for nearly two decades. After starting in the early 80s, the group disbanded in 2004, only to reunite in 2010. They had a slow start, playing the local scene in Dayton, Ohio (sweet airplane museum, bro!) while slowly building momentum through college rock stations. This was in 1992, and we can only truly imagine how sweet rock music was then – authentic plaid, shameless attitude, chain smoking, epic on-stage antics, etc. You know, before people tweeted every mistake celebrities did. It was awesome, we’re sure. Well, onto their newest work, Let’s Go Eat the Factory. Each song is short, perfect for our A.D.D. riddled generation. Not only that, but these sub-2 minute tunes are ideal for the first time listeners, who aren’t always anxious to commit to a 4-minute song, much less an entire album. It’s interesting, being unable to delve into a song. Instead, the album is experienced through different elements that turn a couple of guitar riffs and some singing into an actual song. There’s a lot of psychedelic noises and safe guitar progressions that can be built up and brought back down in 45 seconds. It’s kind of nice.

December 20:

The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.

GRADE B-

The recording of this album is interesting too – it sounds kind of shitty… in a good way. Perhaps it was recorded in a homemade studio or maybe it got muffled during postproduction intentionally… It’s kind of like how kids these days use things like Instagram to make their high-def photos taken with a freakin’ phone look scratchy and discolored, because it’s “cool.” Maybe it’s because high-def photos are a little too nice for us, and the sepia toned, shadowed photos of our feet on a snowy train platform more accurately describe how we’re feeling. Hell, maybe GBV is releasing their latest work at just the right time. There isn’t a “catchy single” and this album isn’t “ambitious,” but it’s a perfect compilation of what they do best, which is just fine. They sound like a mix between Wilco, particularly circa early-2000s, and myriad 90s rock bands, like R.E.M. and Sonic Youth. Sure, these guys aren’t about to change their sound to fit into the 2010s (no bass drops, no sound effects, no Autotune), but for one of the last originals of the early 90s indie rock scene, they don’t need to be anything more. Sounds Like: Some average 90s rock. Download: God Loves Us, The Unsinkable Fats Domino Listen to it When: You’re feeling nostalgic, and somewhat rebellious.

UPCOMING RELEASES Ani Difranco - Which Side Are You On Bombay Bicycle Club - Different Kind of Fix

Lana Del Rey -Video Games Steve Aoki - Wonderland

Attack Attack! - This Means War Juvenile - Rejuvenation

Secrets - The Ascent The Internet - Purple Naked Ladies

The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents

2012 Prospectus

Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.

social life

+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.

SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________

work +2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.

WORK SCORE: ________

class

+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.

CLASS SCORE: ________

Now add up your score.

A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?

TOTAL SCORE: _____/100

class tim e

m.a.s.h

tally

box

what does your future hold? Husband

Met At

Favorite Hobby

First Child’s Name

• Jon Stewart

• Court-ordered community service

• Tandem peeping Tom

• Destiny

• John Goodman

• Westboro Baptist Church protest

• Choreographed butchery

• Nebuchadnezzar

• Johnny Depp

• Disco Lovers Anonymous meeting

• Amateur casket building

• Dipshit

• Zombie John Wayne Gacy

• The champagne room

• Self-righteous indignation

• Krystal

Wife

Theme Wedding

Housepet

• Ashley Tisdale

• Pirates of the Buttibbean

Date Night Movie of Choice

• Ashley Judd

• Kris and Kim Take Two

• Weekend at Bernie’s 2

• Wild boar

• Ashley Olsen

• Our Love Is Deeper Than Our

• Gigli

• Gimp

• Ashy Larry

Cuts (Emo)

• Weapons of Ass Destruction 4

• Primordial ooze

• Threesome With Jesus

• Schindler’s List

• Giant cockroach

class tim e

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