Illinois - 2/1/12 - v20i03 by The Black Sheep

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The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 20, Issue 3 2/1/12 - 2/8/12

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How To: black history month john mchoney combs (our black friend) wrote this

Well friends, my time has finally come. That’s right; Black History Month is right around the corner. It’s a solid month where I don’t have to listen to white people quote Lil’ Wayne lyrics, and you whiteys are forced to feel guilty every time you turn on the History Channel. I understand this month can be a bit intimidating (especially since it’s a leap year, 29 days this time, bitches) to those of you in the majority but fear not. I’ve decided to give you some tips on ways to connect with your inner Jesse Jackson and feel a little more at home for the next twenty-nine days. Make a Black Friend: A black friend is well worth the investment. Who wouldn’t want someone they could rely on to validate why something they said or did couldn’t be construed as racist? He’s friends with you, isn’t he? This isn’t nearly as hard as it looks. Most black people are rather friendly, and are more than happy to have white friends, but so many of you just try too hard to impress us. Your first mistake will be to try and identify with us through pop culture, saying you can’t wait to see that new Denzel Washington movie or asking how “dope” we think the new Jay-Z album was. We all know what you’re trying to do and will throw you a curve ball by asking you when Wayne Brady is going to get a new show. Just be yourself, embrace your whiteness and proclaim that macaroni and cheese is a full meal. It’s all right. Your second mistake will be to compliment us on things that just sound slightly racist. You don’t mean any harm, but for the last time I don’t know how I get my hair like this and no you can’t touch it. Lastly, don’t try to impress us with stories about how you totally grew up around black people and know what it’s like to be the minority. Just because you studied abroad in apartheid-free South Africa does not mean you get street cred. Watch a Tyler Perry Movie: The day I knew I could completely trust my best friend wasn’t when we spooned in the wilderness for warmth and there was a brief moment of penetration. I knew I could trust him when I jokingly asked if he knew who Madea was and without provocation he said that he loved Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Sitting through and actually enjoying a Tyler Perry movie will earn you major brownie points in the eyes of the black community. At first your enthusiasm will be met with suspicion and confusion but by the end of the movie we’ll be yelling “Oh snap!!” right along with you. Tyler Perry is our “Ernest goes to [insert unexpected, wacky location here].” Nobody really understands why these movies are as popular as they are, but identifying with the main demographic that enjoys them will give you nothing but bonus points. Don’t Openly Bad-Mouth Obama: Politics suck for sure. I hear more and more people

complaining about the government, and that’s fine. I hate a lot of the ways politicians act too. However, I have noticed that people will just completely tear apart the president in front of me and then look at me like I’m supposed to say something other than, “Yeah, that’s fucked up.” Then if my response isn’t in depth enough for them, they’ll just straight up ask me what I think of Obama. I don’t remember anyone giving a shit about what I thought about Bush when he was in office. Black people don’t care if you do or don’t like the President; you have plenty of reasons to go either way. However, just badmouthing Obama in front of us to try and see some kind of reaction is in and of itself kind of fucked up. I don’t ask women what they think of Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin because I already know that they think they’re a bitch and a dumbass respectively.

continued on page 19

Other stuff

Inside

It's an Election Year (?)

Just because you don’t follow politics doesn’t mean you can’t talk about politics.

We break down the weekend’s most epic bout.

Everything we’d want to see in the perfect professor.

see page 7

see page 9

see page 18

The 3rd Annual Smash Bros. Championship

Dr. Studmuffin

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Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>

PAGE 6 >>

page 8 >>

page 16 >> Recipe for Disaster -

The Devil’s Threeway

Diet Hot Dog

There’s threesomes, and then there’s threesomes.

Just because you drank 4,000 calories in beer doesn’t mean you have to feel fat the next day.

Our Cover Letter

Sweating the post-college job market? We have a cover letter that’ll land you any job you want.

contents 5

page 17 >> Alcohol Review: Laid’s Applejack Brandy

Put this on your cereal for a wonderful morning boost.

page 18 >> The Top Ten

Fake Tits Are Awesome A heaving ode to man’s best friends.

Early Signs You Need to Drop That Class

page 10 >> UIUC Personal Ads

Lonely and looking for love is no way to spend this sexy season.

page 20 >> The Movie Review - Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie

If it were based off merit, this flick would gross that much.

PAGE 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

How can we get into these guys’ majors?

page 23 >> SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

IF YOU CAN SOLVE THE PUZZLE, YOU WIN SOMETHING SWEET AND SOUR AND ALL THINGS GOOD. REALLY.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Landon Mills Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Michael Rottar | Alexander Dimaris cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr managerS Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page four

pic of the week >>> want to win

a very harold and kumar christmas

on dvd?

Obviously, right?

sorry bro #thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren't invited to a party in your own house...

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sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers

nicki minaj & Gael Garcia Bernal

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Impotense

Ham Nice Jug

Diarrhea Melons

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: A man’s inability to perform sexually in high-pressure environments. Wallace died a virgin because he suffered from impotense during the plane crash.

SEX

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the devil's threeway

and the C-u

carles barkley wrote this

Holy mackerel. Your college career is almost over and you are yet to have a threesome! You know that you will never find even a semblance of the opportunity for a tri-sex out in the real world. Looks like you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and get yours on the technicality: The Devil’s Threeway. One woman. Two men. In such a delicate situation, several ground rules need to be set out. The First Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not talk about The Devil’s Threeway. When in doubt, it’s always best to follow the Tyler Durden method. Your main objective in this act is to achieve your threeway, have some sex, and hopefully walk away with your dignity in tact. So why on God’s good earth would you run around telling everyone of your debauchery? Not even if your threeway was with Tyler Durden himself (which for me would be absolutely acceptable) – you never speak of this experience, even if you preface it with a “no homo.” The Second Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not make eye contact in The Devil’s Threeway. Stinson and our founding fathers had it right, making man-to-man eye contact when you’re both balls deep in the same chick is a point of no return. Unless you want to have paranoid dreams about the possibility of some latent homosexuality, then I would absolutely refrain from locking eyes with your male counterpart. The Third Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not go into this sober. Despite your ironclad willpower to keep your concentration focused on the female, your inability to control your competitive nature will override: who will cum first? Do not approach this debacle with your average sensitivity – I’d suggest drinking plenty of whiskey, wearing at least four condoms, and viewing several pictures of the blue waffle before you begin. Just imagine how uncomfortable it could be if you arrive at your destination forty-five minutes before your partners in crime. The Fourth Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not make genital contact with the other male. Much like the regulation on eye contact, you must pay close attention to keeping your

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junk to yourself. Even an accidental grazing of the other man’s pubic hair will be hard to ignore when getting busy. One of the simplest methods to avoid such an atrocity is to engage in the Eiffel Tower position or the 969 (a sort of human centipede of sex). Ignore the whore’s suggestions of double penetration at all cost. Just because she’s aiding you in a sexual favor does not mean you owe her any favors of your own. The Fifth and Final Rule of The Devil’s Threeway: You do not stick around after The Devil’s Threeway. Much like a lunch with your ex, as soon as everyone has covered their check you book it the hell out of there. If any member of your party is interested in cuddling or making this a sleepover, it is your duty to insure that such a disgrace does not occur. Take a laxative, fake a family death, alert the doorman of the warrant out for your arrest, tell them you’re a fan of Nickelback, just do whatever it takes to make sure the room is cleared by the end of the final act. You’re going to do what it takes to be certain every last one of your dreams comes true before your dreaded graduation, so no one can really blame you for what you’ve done as long as you follow these rules closely. My last bit of advice would be to pick a man with a sexually ambiguous name, so you might be able to slide past any questions from your friends without being found out. “Yeah man, me, Tiffany, and Jesse humped till the break of dawn last night. Oh look at the time, gotta run!”

ken doll

plasticprivates@gmail.com Alley Behind Murphy’s Champaign, IL 61820 Phone: 555-0666 Dear Potential Employer, So I saw your advertisement for employment in the newspaper and would like to express my interest in applying for a position as a clerk in your law firm. Now, I could tell you that I have a lot of great skills and experiences that are applicable to this position and make me qualified, but I’m not going to bullshit you. I’m not really what you’d call an “ambitious” person. I struggle finding the drive to get out of bed to shower in the morning, let alone put forth effort towards furthering my career. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though; let’s face it, not much room for growth as a law clerk. I could claim that I was doing it to help build my resume while I apply to law school, but then again, do I really want to go to law school? Why go to law school when I can work as a low-level employee for you while I leech off my parents for the rest of my life?

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What I lack in ambition, I make up for in experience. And what I mean by that is, experiences as a functioning drunk. The closest thing I’ve ever actually had to a job is the time my friend’s dad slipped me a twenty for helping him move into his apartment after his wife left him. As a student of the university, I’ve been forced to meet several academic deadlines, which I’ve always managed to barely pull off due to my struggles with liquor, porn, and Netflix addictions. Probably something I should mention, I have a tendency towards addiction. Pretty much the only word you can’t add “-aholic” to, to describe me, is “work”. Despite once drinking so much that I literally lost vision in one eye for six months, I’ve still managed to not fail out of the University of Illinois, which I feel is an accomplishment. Other accomplishments? Despite a few arrests, I haven’t been convicted of anything yet. I also have an extensive wristband collection from the bars I’ve attended in the past few semesters. I’ve had several sexual partners, none of them particularly attractive. Oh, and I’ve beaten crabs twice, so there’s that. As far as skills that I have that pertain to working at a law office, I’m really good at sitting at a computer and messing around on Facebook. Recently I’ve discovered how to attach files to emails, which may come in handy if that needs to happen. I’ve also gotten really good at Minesweeper in the past few months, which I believe your office computers currently have. I’m not really good with remembering numbers or things, so it’s probably not a good idea to ask me to retrieve any files. Also, I hate errands, so try your best not to send me on any of those or I’ll get grouchy. Now I know what you’re thinking, there’s no chance in hell you’re going to give me a job. I’m an alcoholic, I’ve probably got more diseases than you can count on two hands, and my resume is so unimpressive that it makes the macaroni art that your kindergartener brought home look like a life achievement. I’m assuming by now the only reason that you’ve continued reading this letter is because you are the kind of person that likes to see catastrophes. But here’s the thing, what I lack in actual skills, I make up for in having photographic evidence of you cheating on your wife with your secretary. So with that said, enjoy your weekend, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday. Thank you for your consideration, Your Future Coworker

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Tricking People into Thinking That You Know a lot about the Election cleves wrote this

Hey, did you guys know that there’s an election coming up? Crazy, right? In like, a year or something? Yep. Okay, so I honestly don’t know the first thing about the election. Go ahead, start your gasping and judging. But I know for a solid fact that I am one among many, MANY people who can’t even distinguish the elephant from the donkey. Of course this is frowned upon, since as college students we’re supposed to be “making a difference”, “changing the world”, and “spreading the word instead of our legs”. Well you know what? I’m sorry if politics bore the shit out of me, and I never have any idea what anyone is talking about. However, it’s actually pretty easy to trick someone into thinking that you know what the 2012 election actually means. You can make people think that you’re savvy with politics, which will either make them respect you more, or hate you more. Either way, it’s a great way to complete some of your ulterior motives, like getting a girl to have sex with you. Nothing gets a girl going quite like politics do. The number one way to make people think you know what you’re talking about is to use abbreviations. For example: “Hey, did you guys watch the SOTU the other day?” “What’s SOTU?” “Umm... the State of the Union. Don’t you know anything about politics, you asshole?”

Other abbreviations to use are TPE (the Presidential Election), VSIN (Voting starts in November), PBO (President Barack Obama), WAYVFAW (Who are you voting for and why?) and of course, the ever popular, RGB (Remember George Bush?). You can’t go wrong! Another tip is to listen to what someone else has to say about a candidate, and then disagree with them by saying all of the opposite things. For example: “I support Ron Paul because, well, he’s from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, my hometown! And he’s a Republican who speaks for free market economics.” That’s when you say: “Well, missy, I do not support Ron Paul because I’m from Philadelphia, and I’m a Democrat who’s all for expensive and costly market economics. So shut up.” Don’t mind the confused look on the person’s face; that just means that you’ve boggled their mind, and they don’t even know how to respond to such complicated and educated banter. When jumping into a heated argument about politics, make sure to start listing off like, a hundred things that you “believe in”. For example: “I believe in gay marriage, No Child Left Behind, child labor laws, paternity leaves, longer maternity leaves, health insurance for the homeless, taxes on weird drugs like crystal meth, taxes on weird drinks like Crystal Light, liquor licenses in candy shops, discounts on malt liquor at various gas stations, lenient insurance for Segways, turning The Projects into ice rinks, healthcare that everyone can agree on, and free college education for all!”

When you start rambling about all kinds of political and social mumble jumble, no one will even have time to chime in and give their two-cents about third trimester abortions, or whatever the hell they believe in. Next time the election gets brought up or someone strikes up a political conversation out of nowhere, don’t you fret. You can really make people think you actually know what you’re talking about. It’s pretty simple, too! And if anyone tries to call you out, all you have to say is, “Do you know who my dad is?” Trust me, I don’t know why, but it works every time.

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fake tits are awesome gracecar wrote this There has always been lots of controversy over the delicate subject of breast augmentation. Some women think that it would enhance their lives forever, and some believe that it’s a superficial sign of physical insecurity. Well, whatever your opinion is, pipe down. Nobody cares what you think about fake tits, unless it’s something good. You know what they say; if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all, which is why I’ve been getting pretty irked recently when the whole world is on my damn case about wanting to get fake tits. No, not “breasts” or “boobs” or “the twins,” but tits. There honestly isn’t anything respectable about fake tits, so why not just call them by their name? T-I-T-S. Tits. Now, fake tits are practically the most genius alteration to the human body that has been invented so far - other than LASIK eye surgery, which you’re probably just getting so you can see fake tits more clearly. A nice pair of surgically-enhanced tits is awesome for many reasons. When you get sick of pretending you’re engaged in a conversation you can shift your eyes from their eyes to something more visually appealing. When you feel like laying your head on a nice body-part-pillow, fake tits could comfort you. And when you want to titty-bang your girlfriend, what better way than to go to town on a nice, greasy rack? Women should have every right to get fake tits without being judged. Boobs are right out in the open for everyone to somewhat see (depending on how slutty a girl dresses) without getting undressed. Yeah, girls can wear baggy shirts, but any observant person can still get a good idea of chest size through almost any clothing. Since they’re going to be out in the open so much I’m going to want the girls to look good. Do I want to get fake tits so that you can stare at them instead of my face? No. Do I want to get them so I can consistently get out of speeding tickets and flash my way out of poor grades? No! (I mean, yes, but…) I want fake tits because they look amazing and feel really cool and water-balloony. I want them so I can look at them myself, set Goldfish on them while I’m having a snack, and so that I can jiggle them around when I’m bored. If that bothers you and your prude-ass attitude, then get off my case. I’m sure plenty of people will support wanting to check up on the healing progression of my future double Ds.

When it comes down to it, the only thing holding me back from going under the knife is the fact that surgery like this actually costs a significant amount of money; unless you’re having someone in a back ally insert some prepacked turkey slices into your chest, in which case it’s probably free. However, there are tons of ways to make money, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to become financially equipped. There are always opportunities to host a bake sale, car wash, or kissing booth! Also, there’s the possibility that friends and sexy men on the street would be interested in an investment opportunity where they put down some cash and get the benefit of full grabby-access in the future. Fake tits are just an all around good investment of time and money. Girls who grow their D boobs in 5th grade, I get it, you have back problems; I don’t care. You were blessed with Mother Nature’s favorite melons, and I want them. Looking to help a sista out with her trek down the road to titville? Call me 1.800.IWANT-TITS.

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Sports Preview: 3rd Annual Super Smash Bros Championship yoshi benson wrote this After months of waiting, the epic conclusion to an amazing season of Super Smash Bros is only days away. Coming out of a particularly exciting post-season with upsets including the now infamous defeat of Steve “Samus” Samson by a perfectly executed home run bat assault by underdog Ricky Tatum, the final match of the season is promising to be full of shocks and surprises.

From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What's your biggest pet peeve when walking to class? “When I forget my polka dot umbrella.” - Matt B., Sophomore

In the match we have returning champion Brett “The Beast” Pawelkiewicz sparring off against rising young star Ricky Tatum. Tatum has been the Cinderella story of the season. Starting off the year with a disappointing 0-3 record with Captain Falcon, Tatum began to make a splash when he rattled off an unprecedented 10-0 record with Kirby. Since then, Tatum has been a force to be reckoned with on the circuit. But the question remains, does he have what it takes to overcome the lightning fast Starfox of Pawelkiewicz? Only time shall tell. In the meantime, the press has been seeing several developments in the weeks preceding the fight. Firstly, it has been announced that the field of play for the big match will be Corneria. This simple stage will be a departure from the larger and more complex stages of past championships. While Corneria is a classic, I can’t imagine Petey Hill’s great victory in the first championship would have been nearly as exciting if it weren't in a large map like Hyrule. Corneria’s simplicity provides an interesting dynamic for the fighters, though a little bit is lost in the spectator aspect of the game in such a small map. Once again, only time will tell. Another major development we have received is that officials have announced that the championship will be played on Super Smash Bros Brawl for the Wii instead of the traditional N64 version of the game. This highly controversial call, angering many Smash purists, is not completely unfounded. Do remember that professional players are expected to be proficient in all three editions of the game, and that all three games are played throughout the season, as many players do not own an N64. In an official statement, league officials articulated their reasoning for the decision, saying that, “It’s time for the league to come out of the dark ages and accept a little change. But seriously, dudes, Brawl is a great game.”

iewicz announced that he would be using Starfox for the match. No surprise there, considering that Fox helped carry Pawelkiewicz to victory in last year’s match. The real shocker came in Tatum’s decision to go with Link. While Link can be good at dealing out damage, there simply aren’t a lot of options in terms of powerful smashes and throws. Also, Corneria is a particularly small map, and Link is notorious for having a poor up-B in terms of hang-time and distance. Tatum had a very good season with Link, finishing off 12-2. Regardless, it looks like we will be having a quick and strategic championship with these two characters, as opposed to the slow and powerful characters in heavy rotation this postseason.

"while link can be good at dealing out damage, there simply aren't a lot of options in terms of powerful smashes and throws."

As is customary with the Championship match, the players were required to announce the characters they will be using for the match. In a conservative move, Pawelk-

It has also been decided that the match will be held in Jake “The Snake” Davis’ room on the third floor of Garner hall. Davis’ room has a good amount of room for seating, although after ten everybody needs to be quiet because Davis’ roommate has a test in the morning. While fans and players have articulated a desire for Cheetos to be provided during the match, the official decision has been made to switch the snack to pretzels, as to not get cheese all over the controllers. Fasten your seat belts, Smash fans! Things are about to get crazy.

“When Asians cut me off running to class.” - Will F., Freshman

“When people attempt riding their bikes on the quad.” - Thomas H., Sophomore

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SHOUT OUTS!

uiuc personal ads champaign people wrote this Romantic Lonely female undergrad student looking for older, condescending, cultural intellectual. I enjoy reading— maybe a bit too much—and am usually found in my dorm room in LAR silently reading under my covers with a flashlight, even in daylight! I do love my space, so please do not come physically close to me. I am agoraphobic and love to knit. I need a man who acts superior to everyone, because I have no confidence; plus I just LOVE a certain level of douchebagery. Must be older than 21 and wears scarves. - Girl Under a Rock In the closet, discrete white male undergrad looking for funky, soulful, endowed black male with desire to play me like a key-tar. I love someone who is in love with 1983, because I sure am. After all, that was the year Frankie REALLY went to Hollywood! Hey, hey, hey! Jerry curl weaves are preferred, and I like guys that have a soft voice like MJ. Hanging out at Chester Street is a must, like for realz. - Vanilla Pudding

the seller. I lack rational thought and am supposed to stay 500 feet from large crowds at all times. I have always found traffic paraphernalia to be sexy, as well as blunt objects. Please, when I meet my intended inanimate partner for the first time, do not call the authorities; I only want the item. Also, if you see ALF, who can be recognized from his famous 80’s sitcom, tell him, “I am sorry, I couldn’t do it anymore.” - JW Gacy Tall, muscular frat star looking for chick who is D.T.F. Give me a cute faced girl, bleach-blonde hair, 5’4”, 110 lbs, D-Cup, valley-girl accent, artificial tan, wears a lot of V.S. Pink, loves to listen to Billboard Top 40 remixed over and over again, sorostitute, loves taking shots that taste like snow-cone syrup, introduces herself by the name of her sorority, acts clueless, slut beyond a tease, gives footjobs, prefers to be upsidedown while having sex, uses too much teeth, creates a safe word, will pound me with a strap-on… What? Are you kidding me? Pff. Maybe I get carried away sometimes. That’s just what I do! Chyea I know this girl is out there. - Get Greek Get Weird

"jerry curl weaves are preferred, and i like guys that have a soft voice like mj."

Heavy-set white male looking for obese woman to really fill the hole in my heart. Must have a home at ground level; stairs just won’t work. I need someone to eat five meals per day with, one of which always needs to be at Fat Sandwich. Heavy breathing turns me on, as well as finding surprises hidden in my partner’s crevices, and rolling down hills. My dream date would be for my alpha woman and me to ride around the streets of Champaign/Urbana in matching mini-bikes like those two McCary twins who hold the world record for largest twins. - Big Fat Ugly Delusional psychotic with a criminal record looking for inanimate objects to love. Will purchase any object I find myself to be attracted to, and I promise I will not murder

HUGE complainer looking for a Facebook friend who will comment and enhance all of my statuses. I usually post about… I guess 45 times per day and most of them are along the lines of “UGGGHHH! FML,” or “OMG MY CLASSES ARE SO MUCH HARDER THAN EVERYONE’S!” and of course the classic “God, people are so ignorant to be Christians. Hehehe, that’s so 0 A.D. (;.” I think I am better than everyone and as my adorning Facebook friend you will of course think the same thing, providing comments on my statuses about how your life sucks just a little less than mine because nobody faces more adversity than me, the smartest know-it-all to ever attend college. - Fuck Ass

Shoutout to my favorite Ginger Paige O'Shea! Falling down the steps was funny Mike...the first time. Seriously, we've been living here for 5 months, stop falling and crying for help...-Steve Carly, baking "special" brownies doesn't mean you've stopped smoking weed. It does mean you're the best roommie ever though -Lindz Dear dumb girl who stole my fake. You're a bitch. Seriously. Sincerely, I just want to party. To the guys who invited us over for pizza in IT...where's my shoe? -Heather Maggie...I never realized how annoying New Yorkers could be until I met you. I hope Eli gets killed this weekend. -Mike To the couple in the back at Kams basically having sex... need a third wheel? Girl who got it on camera in the red tank... Engineering Lenz...you're too cute to be that nerdy. Seriously. To my neighbor at GST who seems to think I can't hear the porn through the walls...you're wrong. And you like really weird stuff. Was that a Grandma talking the other night? -508 Steve - see what happens when you have two loaded Chucks? See the party pics? HA! SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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FRI 2/03

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

KID A: Tribute to Radiohead Performing OK Computer in it's entirety and more!

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 Burgers, $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Jameson & Absolut $3 Jager Bombs

Book Your Spring Events Here!

SAT 2/04

UFC 143 Diaz vs. Condit Live at 9PM on our 150" HDTV

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

BLIND PILOT with THE BARR BROTHERS (Early Show!) JOE PUG (Late Show!)

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

90s Daughter! Show starts at 10PM

SUN 2/05

IL vs. NW at 2PM SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! Patriots vs. Giants at 530!

Closed

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, & Bud and Bud Light

Check out CanopyClub.com for all our Spring 2012 concert announcements!

Salsa Night with DJ LUNIKS $1 Wells $2 Corona Bottles

Book Your Spring Events Here!

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $2 Burgers

Taco Tuesday $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Margaritas

THE LOW ANTHEM with ARON STROMBERG (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN (Late Show!) Come and hear our new Piano Man - BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts and Busch Light Cans! $1 Cover

BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

SPECIAL NIGHT WED 2/01 THURS 2/02

MON 2/06 TUES 2/07 WED 2/08

$1 Bud Light Bottles Every Mon - Fri in February! TUES: $2 Burgers WED: $1 Sliders Watch Every Game on Our 150" HDTV!

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $1 Sliders

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

Your Halftime Beer Run is Just Steps Away.

WE’RE PET FRIEND LY!

You don’t want to miss Madonna’s performance, but you can’t watch it without a cold one in hand. Lucky for you, a convenient grocery store is right around the corner to save the day. After all, we are living in a material world.

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

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WED 2/01

SPECIAL NIGHT

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street BIG GAME SUNDAY ILLINI vs Northwestern 2pm $2 EVERYTHING! Patriots vs Giants at 5PM Win Prizes including Hawks Tickets, Bags Sets, Snowboard and more!

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! $2 Bud & Bud Light 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

SATURDAY: MY BIG FAT GREEK EXCHANGE! House w/ Most People Wins a FREE Exchange! $2 Wells, $5 Cup O Shots Free Shuttle from Campus

SUN: 5th Annual Jager Bowl! Win Hawks Tickets, 4 Nights in Vegas, Jager Tap Machine and More! $2 Jager Bombs $2 All Drafts

An Acoustic Cafe Evening Featuring Pieta Brown, Carrie Rodriguez, and Kelly Joe Phelps

Watch D. Rose at 6 with $2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

THURS 2/02

GET ABSOLUTLY JAMO'ED! $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Absolut Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs Bulls vs Knicks 7pm Hawks vs Oilers 8:30pm

Pyramid Production Party 11-Close

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

THE GREAT DIVIDE! Free Show, Doors Open at 8PM

1/2 Price Burgers $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

FRI 2/03

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jager Bombs $3 Bud Light Platinum Bottles Hawks vs Flames 8pm

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney DJ & Dancing $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

$7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

SAT 2/04

$3 Bud Lt. Platinum Bottles $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs or any other Bacardi Flavor $3 Bacardi Oak Heart DJ Alex Polvere Spinning

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

MY BIG FAT GREEK EXCHANGE! House w/ Most People Wins a FREE Exchange! $2 Wells, $5 Cup O Shots Free Shuttle from Campus

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 2/05

BIG GAME SUNDAY ILLINI vs Northwestern 2pm $2 EVERYTHING! Patriots vs Giants at 5PM Win Prizes including Hawks Tickets, Bags Sets, Snowboard and more!

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

5th Annual Jager Bowl! Win Hawks Tickets, 4 Nights in Vegas, Jager Tap Machine and More! $2 Jager Bombs $2 All Drafts

MON 2/06

$3 Strong Islands

Bulls vs Nets 6:30pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze Rose vs. D-Will at 6:30!

TUES 2/07

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Special Night Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) Light Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers from 6-8 Pitchers every day. 6-8 Daily $5 Nachos Free pool during happy hour!!!

Hawks vs Aves 8:00pm $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Captain Morgan $5 Bud Lt. Pitchers

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book Your Spring Events at High Dive!

1/2 Price Burgers + 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

WED 2/08

Bulls vs 76ers 6pm

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots Bulls vs Hornets 7pm

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Free Shuttle from Wright & Daniel Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights!

Noah Hugs Rose at 7 $2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$4 ICB’s

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

50% off the ultimate hangover cuRe: drinkwel! Live NOW! Live NOW! Live NOW!

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 2/01

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 McGuillicuddy Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ JAY $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite & $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke $2 Woodchucks for Groundhog's Day!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

GOT BOT PARTY! $3.50 Svedka Blue Guys Wear ALL Black = No Cover Lasers and Glow Necks DJ JOHN HAN!

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

Stellar Days LIVE 9-12 $7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

JAGER SHOT SKIS $2 Shots, $2.50 Bombs $2 Miller & Coors Jagerettes & Prizes

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

CLUB 211 Free Glowsticks! Blacklights! $3 Bacardi, $3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Lt. Platinum Bottles

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2 Burst Shots

Book your Next Party at The Red Lion Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! $1 Bud Bottles Kam's KRUSH & Absolut Illini (IL vs. NW at 2PM) $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys

NATTY GIRLS NITE OUT "Beer Lovers Night" $1 Fatty Bottles $2 Domestic $1 Wells, $2 Energy Btls. & Drafts Drinks, $2 Bottles $ 3 Import and Specialty $3 Pitchers! Btls. & Drafts COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Double Jim Beam & Red Stag $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

BUD BAR BATTLE New Bud Lt. Platinum $1.50 Drafts and Bottles $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 2/08

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

TUES 2/07

BUD SUPERBOWL! $1.50 Bud Drafts and Bottles, $5 Pitchers $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

MON 2/06

SPECIAL NIGHT

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

SUN 2/05

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

SAT 2/04

SATURDAY: CLUB 211 Free Glowsticks! Blacklights! $3 Bacardi, $3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Lt. Platinum Bottles

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 2/03

MON: $5.50 ½lb MEGA Cheeseburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

THURS 2/02

SATURDAY: $2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY! $1 Bud Bottles Kam's KRUSH & Absolut Illini (IL vs. NW at 2PM) $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys

This Valentine’s Day, remember...

SIZE MATTERS. We don’t lie about ours!

COME FIND OUT WHY THE VILLAGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE IN CHAMPAIGN/URBANA! • HUGE 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

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Week

of the

Jason "Slap Jack" Sellers Geovanti’s

Major: Alcoholism Relationship status: Owned How did you lose your virginity? To a shaved sheep (don’t knock it ‘til you rock it) What name do you like to be called during sex? Speedy… well, I don’t like it, but it be what it be What’s your biggest turn off? Conversation What celebrity do you most wanna take a body shot off of? Katherine Heigl Dirtiest (literally unclean) place you’ve ever had sex? Remember the sheep What is your most attractive feature to the opposite sex? Eyes between thighs Most sexual thing you’ve seen someone do while working at the bar? Taataa’s for chicken strips… they be that good. Most embarrassing food you’ve ever drunk eaten. ¼ pound vas w/ cheese

drinking game:

Shot Glass Chess Are you bored with regular, lowbrow drinking games? Are you tired of the simple-minded card-games the peons in the Liberals Arts department play? Are you waiting for something worthy of you, the most rare and elite of all intellectuals, The Engineer? Do you wish to combine the artistry and strategy of a thousand-year-old game with the depravity of college life? If so, this is the game for you. Number of Players: A minimum and maximum of two. What You Need: A chess board, 32 shot glasses, a handle of your favorite liquor, 2 different colored markers and a completely distorted sense of what actually constitutes a drinking game. Intoxication Level: Before you know it you and your partner will reach Bobby Fischer levels of anti-Semitism. No but seriously, if you’re not careful you could die. Alcohol poisoning is real, people! How to Play: - Mark the shot glasses before the game in order to distinguish between types of pieces (knights, kings, queens, pawns, rooks, bishops) - Mark the shot glasses to distinguish between your pieces and your opponent’s pieces (white and black) - Fill the shot glasses - Place them on the board - For the rest, see rules of chess. The Game Ends When: Either your partner forfeits or you checkmate the king. Have you really never played chess before?

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Michael "Golden Boy"Shanahan brother's

Major: Slinging cock Relationship Status: Married to Brother's What’s the weirdest thing anyone has said to you during sexual intercourse? I have a nose bleed What fetish are you most okay with and why? Handjobs (don’t ask) Why is Brother’s the best bar on campus? Jorin Flory Do you prefer to give or receive? I’m prescribed laxatives Most inappropriate place you’ve ever had a boner? When I was baptized If you had to name a shot, what would you call it? Beav Juice What is your favorite genre of porn? Devoitee What’s your favorite sex toy? Sock Best song to get freaky to? “Shakin’ My Head” by Flo’rida Shower sex or morning sex? “golden” shower sex

recipe for disaster:

diet hot dog It’s nature’s cruelest joke. You come home after a night of hardcore partying, starving, in desperate need of sustenance, yet you find your motor skills severely impaired. “If I can’t drive a car, how am I supposed to baste a turkey...” you hear yourself wonder aloud. Don’t worry, dear reader; we at The Black Sheep have a simple recipe just for you. What You Need: One hot dog, one piece of bread. Cook Time: 30 seconds. Let’s Get Baked: -Take one generic store-bought hot dog and place it directly on the microwave tray, no plate needed. -Take a piece of bread and place it in the toaster. -Take the toasted bread and, with a flourish, toss it into a nearby garbage can, BECAUSE CARBS ARE THE ENEMY. -Take the cooked hot dog out of the microwave and hold it with only your thumb and index finger in order to avoid suggestive images and nasty microwave burns. -Insert hot dog into mouth. -Repeat if necessary. With this recipe you will be slim and well-fed in no time – well not no time. As fast as it takes you to down a hot dog, which for some competitive eaters can really seem like no time.

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

Laird’s Applejack Brandy BOverview I get my alcohol at our local Picadilly every Thursday, and one employee in particular has been pushing this Laird’s on me for well over a month now. Hell, even after I bought it he is still going on about how much he loves the stuff. So I’m hoping that by reviewing this particular brandy, he might give me a cut of whatever the hell they’re paying him to say such splendid things about their Applejack Brandy. History John Evans Laird the Third inherited the family distillery just after his grandparents’ passing in 1995. After the appropriate fifteen years of mourning and drunken stupor as is customary and traditional in the Laird family, John Evans began work on creating a special brandy to commemorate his grandfather. Adding a special applejack-style to his brandy was the best way to remember his grandpa's hard apple cider without actually producing sissy hard apple cider. It wasn’t until the Laird family had properly enjoyed their new special brandy that they were able to share this gift with the world last November.

The mixer Center On the rocks: BCoke: C

User Comments “I feel like I should be at barndance.” “What do you mean you don’t mix anything with brandy?” “Someone bring me my cigars and my servant.” “I hope I don’t spill on my tuxedo.” “Luxury.” Typical Drinkers People who wore monocles back when it wasn’t ironic, the Laird family, the employees of Picadilly on First and Springfield, large mustached men, villains who consider themselves classy, freshman who want to look impressive at barndance, and the northern half of Texas. Conclusion Feeling fancy? Go ahead and Laird your life up. Or at least do it so the men at Picadilly will quit force-feeding me this stuff. I’m not mature enough for brandy yet.

Apple juice: B+ With bacon: A++ - it’s bacon dammit.

Dr. Studmuffin: Everything I Want in a Professor kitty kat wrote this

THe top ten

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Early Signs You Need to Drop That Class 10) Day 1: Think back, did your professor use a single, awkwardly timed and forced swear word to try and impress the class? Great, your professor is a PG-13 action/ horror movie. Needless to say, those suck ass. Just like this guy. Dropped like the kid in the back row’s Skittles. 9) Circle Jerk: Your professor walks in late and decides that the room arrangement is just all wrong. She commands everyone to move their desks and form into a circle, since “discussion is a big part of this class.” Meanwhile she rotates in the center of the room for the entirety of the class. Your professor is a fucking dradle. I hope you enjoyed Inception, because you’ll be watching her interpretation of the film’s last ten seconds on a damned loop this semester. Dropped like the Inception top (you know it did). 8) A.M. - A Mistake: Your class gets out and it’s still possible to get McDonald’s breakfast. Dropped like your hash brown by the new guy at Mick D’s. 7) Sympathetic Hypocrite: Your professor tries to sympathize with you by acknowledging how awful it is that books are so expensive. Yet, in the same sentence, he forces you to buy a $135 pamphlet that you’ll use twice. Dropped like the grape crushing lady.

If you’re like me, you don’t step foot into a classroom until you’ve ran a couple hundred background checks on the professor and his or her teaching style. There’s nothing worse than walking into a class that you believe will be an easy “A” and finding out that Dr. Buymybooks has a humongous stick up his ass every day of the week. Pop quizzes, essays, finals: not exactly my type of thing. But if I can find a class where I never have to show up and no textbooks are required, sign me up. It’s not like I’m here to learn anyway.

These hardcover books that are 500 pages long with those damn online access codes are completely unnecessary. We can’t afford this school in the first place and spending $350 on textbooks each semester isn’t helping. We waste all of our money buying books, which end up leaving us with less for alcohol and cover charges. If it were up to me, there’d be no books at all. Everything could be posted online. Ideally we’d never have to read anything. It’s eco-friendly AND not a huge pain in the ass. Win-win.

So far at school I’ve had some cool professors, but I’ve also had some equally shitty ones. The problem is that some of them have really great qualities but lack in other areas, like personal appearance, body odor, or amount of homework. If I could mesh everything I liked about my professors in the past (and qualities of others that I hope to have some day), the awesome hybrid would look something like this:

He’d be super hot and willing to get it on for extra credit (this goes for TAs too). This literally never happens. Maybe you get one without the other, but both together is like finding a gold mine in your backyard. Even if they aren’t down for that “BJ’s for A’s” sort of thing, at least they’re nice to look at during that long dreadful hour of class, especially if you’re in one of those human sexuality courses. It’s like you’re getting graded to watch a porno. Is that too much to ask? For once I’d like to have a teacher without gray hair, crow’s feet, and dentures. Give me some eye candy, preferably a Joseph Gordon-Levitt (or if you prefer our editor’s taste, a Josh Duhamel or if you prefer her editor, then Brendan Bonham) look-a-like.

He would be easy to understand. My heart automatically sinks if I can’t even pronounce the professor’s name when I see it for the first time on Compass. But the ultimate boner-killer is walking in to the classroom and hearing the professor speak … with an accent. A thick, heavy accent. From that point on, I completely tune out the entire lecture. So does the rest of the room. If you want anything accomplished, please supply us with subtitles. Better yet, just cancel class and give us all A’s. He wouldn’t make us use iClickers. I really hate when teachers try to pull the Big Brother role and make sure everyone shows up to class and participate. This isn’t kindergarten. You don’t care if we fail, so why do you care if we even show up? What are you going to do next? Give us assigned seats? The sad part is that some professors still actually do that too. Furthermore, stop trying to ask philosophical, discussion-provoking questions to a lecture hall of 300 students. No one’s going to respond. Just skip to the next PowerPoint slide and move on.

He wouldn’t schedule exams on Unofficial. Any professor who does this should burn in Hell. We’ve been working hard (or hardly working) all semester. Give us a break. The worst part? You can’t lie your way out of this one. Even though they act like it sometimes, they aren’t dumb. Many professors have been here for years and know the huge drunken riot that takes place the first Friday of every March. Sure, you can just not show up and see what happens, but you know your asshole of a teacher will somehow make that impossible. For example, “If you don’t show up, YOU WILL FAIL.” In a perfect world, this would never happen. More specifically, there would never be class on Friday at all.

He wouldn’t require ridiculously expensive textbooks. Stop lining your pockets with cash, you greedy little fucks.

Some day our Professor Charming will arrive and save us from this assemblage of stooges.

6) Voldemort: It’s bad enough when a professor refuses to be called by their first name, but when she stresses for a straight fifteen minutes that it’s Miss - NOT Mrs. it’s time to run. Drop her like her ex-husband did. Trust me, you will not Miss her. Anyone that Missus her is straight crazy. 5) No Syllabus: I realize that not having to inch through pages of monotonous rules may seem refreshing the first week, but when week 9 rolls around and your group presentation on everything and your too-many-paged essay on absurdity are due on the same day, you’ll regret not having dropped the class like an all-blind roofing company. 4) Too Much Syllabus: Alternatively, if it’s long enough that your professor ran out of time the first day to finish her spiel on how she treats cell phones in the classroom the same way normal people would treat an AK-47 in a nursery, you’re in for a real shit-storm. Honestly, any syllabus longer than 5 pages should be referred to in the plural form. Dropped. Sylla-bye bye, bitch. 3) Introductions: The three-rows-over chick named Veronica with the deep voice and the deeper-set forehead is double-majoring in Women’s Studies and Better Than You. Half of the class has already begun to kiss ass, threequarters are way too excited to be here, and the whole lot is older than you. Dropped like Veronica’s balls three and a half years ago. 2) High Standards: "If you’re expecting to just show up the whole semester and get an A in this course,” is the phrase that immediately lets you know your professor just showed up and she's already being an extremely coarse A-hole. Dropped like NBC will drop Whitney. 1) Day 2: You’re opening the classroom door, mentally preparing to do the 6-second scan, so you don’t get stuck behind the kid whose neck hair has more than enough length for pigtails again. Holy shit, they’re gone. Half the class is just… gone. So many people dropped you’d think there was a sniper perched up across the street.

landon mills wrote this

continued from the cover Don’t Brag About Your Ethnicity: More often than not, when I’m at a party I eventually hear someone bring up how they’re part Irish, Italian, German or some other sort of Neapolitan mix of European. Then they’ll inevitably talk about how that makes them able to drink a lot alcohol, know how to make their own spaghetti sauce, or boss around their Polish friends. Now all this may be true-- more power to you-- but then there will be that awkward moment where it’s supposed to be my turn to boast about my ethnicity, and I inevitably have to explain how I’m just black and I don’t know jack shit about my ethnic heritage. This doesn’t mean I can make a homemade Gumbo or can Tootsie Roll. All I know is that at some point my family came from Africa and somewhere along the way some Irish dude slept with one of my great grandmothers or something. For whatever reason no one likes to ascribe that they’re American first and foremost, but they’re more than willing to boast that they have the heritage of a country they’ve never been to. I mean, being American predisposes us to be wealthy, able to consume food that’s 90% butter without consequence, and our bodies are more adaptable to having plastic thrust into it. Unless you’re a first-generation immigrant then you’re American. Develop a Crush on a Famous Black Person: I don’t know what it is but something deep inside smiles every time I hear a co-worker or a friend comment on how they find a certain actor or musician attractive. Every guy knows girls naturally obsess over people like Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp, but I have yet to see a white girl with a poster of Will Smith or Taye Diggs in their bedroom. Shit, I even have two posters of Brad Pitt in my bedroom –ahem– in a totally heterosexual manner, of course. Even my guy friends don’t show any love to Beyonce or Vivica Fox. We aren’t asking you to follow every single movie or song they make, but for the next month just remark twice a week on how they’re hot/sexy/powerful or whatever to stroke our egos. Oh, and don’t worry my own poster line is coming out soon enough. So if you’d much rather talk about me then by all means send your compliments to Choclatethunder@gmail.com. Well, white people, I’ve set you up for success here. If you just follow these simple steps, then you should be just fine for the rest of February. Now in the words of the blonde girl I live with, “Black power!”

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The Movie Page Tim and Eric's Billion Based on the Trailer Dollar Movie

February 2011

If you understand the connection between shrimp and white wine, then you will love this movie.

Directed by

Tim Heidecker & Eric Wareheim

starring

Tim Heidecker, Eric Wareheim, John C. Reilly, Will Ferrell

GRADE A Mike Benson wrote this There are two types of people in this world: people who love Tim and Eric, and people who don’t. There is virtually no middle ground. Their style of chaotic, avant-garde comedy is the reason for both their wide fan base and equally large group of haters. From 2007 to 2010, the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! helped Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim reach a large cult following and gained them the support from numerous Hollywood stars including Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, both of whom appear in this film. Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie, the duo’s first film, succeeds in achieving the impossible: It manages to find a perfect middle ground between appealing both to hardcore Tim and Eric fans and also to regular moviegoers. Billion Dollar Movie follows the story of two filmmakers named Tim and Eric. After spending a billion dollars making a three-minute movie featuring a Johnny Depp look-a-like, they are held personally responsible for raising another billion dollars to pay back the sinister Shlaaang corporation. After a night of cocaine and hashish, the duo decides they need to “do business,” or as T&E say it “DOBIS.” They travel to the town of S’Wallow Valley to fix up an abandoned mall in an attempt to make a billion dollars. The

on dvd

whole thing is kind of like a mix of Citizen Kane and Scarface but with more diarrhea jokes. There are good reasons for the fifteen minute run-time of Awesome Show. While an amazing show, it takes a lot of endurance to watch more than fifteen minutes in one sitting. For people who have never seen the show, the comedy styling is ridiculously fastpaced and abrasive. This was a concern of mine, as with many other critics who were skeptical as to whether Tim and Eric would be able to write a watchable, feature-length film with their style of comedy. In the end, they succeeded admirably. They turned the dial down just enough to make it entertaining for the whole film but not too much as to lose their trademark lunacy. Not only is the film watchable, but it is fucking hilarious. Speaking as both an enormous fan of the duo and as a non-partisan movie critic, Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie represents the cutting edge of comedy. The genius of it is that it can be perfectly enjoyed by hardcore fans and newcomers alike. The silly, fourth-wall-breaking style of the film is something that can be universally appreciated by comedy fans (dare I say “Pythonesque”?). It ranges from goofy and

charming, to perfectly disgusting and vulgar, but never going too far—just far enough. If you are a Tim and Eric fan, well Ooh Mama have you got a treat ahead of you. The film is loaded with Easter eggs and allusions to Awesome Show, while also introducing many new characters and catchphrases to the already extensive canon. Speaking as a fan (I feel like I’m repeating myself...), BDM features some of the best stuff Tim and Eric have ever done. The performances by both T&E and the slew of supporting actors are all top notch. Ferrell, Reilly, Galifianakis, and, dear Lord, Will Forte (Forte’s character of a deranged sword salesman almost steals the show) all pull their weight in making this an awesome movie. Great Job! Billion Dollar Movie will not hit theaters until early March, but as of last weekend it was released on iTunes, On Demand, and Youtube Movies. If you have never heard of Tim and Eric, I am confident that you will love Billion Dollar Movie. While extremely odd and silly, it has the potential to be loved by everyone if given the chance. If you are a Tim and Eric fan...why haven’t you seen this movie yet, ya dingus? Ya blew it, capiche?

tim & eric awesome show, great job! guests trivia

Starring: Alex Russell, Michael B. Jordan, Dane DeHaan What You Need to Know: Three high school students discover that they have incredible powers, which at first they use for harmless pranks. As they learn to control their abilities, the dark side starts to take over and their lives start to spin out of control. What We Think: The plot of this film seems like one of the more original as of recent, and the use of the trendy, “amateur” filming makes the movie that much creepier. Sure, the studios are hyping the shit out of it (in the most understated way possible, what’s up #marketing), so hopefully we, the audience, won’t be let down.

Perfect Sense

The Reunion Anonymous A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

February 14 This three-time Grammy winner has made multiple appearances, first in March 2007.

february 3

Starring: Eva Green, Ewan McGregor, Connie Nielsen What You Need to Know: McGregor and Green play two people desperate to a form a romantic connection in the face of a world ending by an epidemic of sensory lost. He’s also a chef, which makes the whole “sensory loss” thing that much sadder. What We Think: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Ewan McGregor plays the perfect, romantic man who can truly woo any woman, even when there is a freakin’ apocalyptic disease taking over the world. Oh, and just in time for Valentine’s Day? Dudes, you can thank us later.

Kill List

He hosted a children's program for 23 years and played the ghost of himself on Tim & Eric.

february 3

answers are a few from here

February 7

11/11/11 Buzzkill Elevate Paranormal Activity 3

Chronicle

This American guitarist has been in numerous alternative rock bands, and was born to Mexican immigrants.

This director and screenwriter is famous for creating "one of the worst movies ever made," The Room.

february 3

Starring: Neil Maskell, Michael Smiley, MyAnna Buring What You Need to Know: Neil Maskell plays Jay, an ex-soldier turned contract killer. Eight months after a disastrous hit job leaves him physically and mentally scarred, he is pressured into taking a new assignment. The assignment is bizarre and disturbing, and Jay starts to unravel. What We Think: This could quite possibly be one of the more underrated films of the year so far. Our favorite thing about this film is how the trailer really doesn’t tell a whole lot – there is maybe two seconds of dialogue in the whole thing. Between the imagery and what we know from the plot line, yeah, this movie looks dope.

the entertainment page

oscar-baiting

cd review

On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.

The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!

Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a downand-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.

The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.

The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a primand-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.

Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.

lana del rey Born to Die Lana Del Rey-ally wants to be something, but we won’t hold our breath.

I only started recently hearing about Lana Del Rey, as I’m sure you all have, after her supposedly “awful” SNL performance a few weeks ago. Naturally, I, as I’m sure some of you have, checked it out on YouTube and was puzzled by what everyone was so upset about. She’s a little awkward, sure, and could have maybe done more than just stand there so rigidly, but I think her voice is unique and that her music is kind of nice. It’s poppy without being annoying, soft without being depressing, and different in the sense that it’s catchy without being over the top. On the surface she appears extremely generic (her real name is Elizabeth Grant and she’s from upstate New York, for goodness sakes) and the chances of her becoming the next Robyn or Britney are slim, but her debut album Born to Die is not one to write off. The first half of Born to Die (so Gaga of her, right?) flows along like a perfect pop record; its catchy tunes are upbeat without being overbearing or sounding inauthentic. The first song “Born to Die” is a beautiful soft ballad that starts the album off upbeat and trancey, which I really liked. What I particularly enjoy about Del Rey are her lyrics. They aren’t particularly polished or original, but they are simple and relatable, which some might find “not creative/deep/cool enough” but I find hilarious and authentic. In her song “Blue Jeans,”

Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.

out now

GRADE B-

this white girl sings “You so fresh to death and as sick as cancer / You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip-hop.” Nothing quite like a subtle Jersey Shore reference to win over this reviewer— these lyrics show us that Del Rey is just a real 25-year-old girl. The second half of the album starts off with a seemingly “live” recording of The Star-Spangled Banner; static interrupts with an old-timey news break and the song continues on, while the last four songs are, indeed, live, almost giving the feel of two completely different albums. So, love her or hate her, Lana Del Rey ain’t that bad. Maybe she wasn’t perfect during a live performance on a hugely popular television show, but neither were you when you had to give a 2-minute presentation on the migrating patterns of bottle-nosed dolphins and your palms were so sweaty you dropped your notes. But then again, I loved Ashlee Simpson back in the day (like, a lot) and we all know how she ended up on SNL. Oopsies.

The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.

Sounds Like: A more poppy Enya, though some may compare her to Tori Amos. Download: Blue Jeans, Born to Die, Video Games Listen to it When: You want to vibe out but not cry.

War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.

UPCOMING RELEASES Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 51 Lamb of God - Resolution

Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom Tim McGraw - Emotional Traffic

The Fray - Scars & Stories Gotye - Making Mirrors

Imperial Teen - Feed the Sound Leonard Cohen - Old Ideas

The Production

the half time show

Drink 2 for each use of the sky cam.

Drink 2 for each instance when Madonna does not stand (ex: sit, roll, lay down, fly).

Drink 3 each time Cris Collinsworth criticizes a play. Drink 4 when Bob Costas makes a historical reference. Drink 5 every time they cut to Peyton Manning. Drink 6 each time the announcers have to plug an NBC show.

Drink 3 each time a “surprise guest” arrives on stage. Drink 5 for every costume change Madonna makes. Hand out 3 for correctly guessing the next song in Madonna’s medley. Chug a beer if Lady Gaga makes an appearance.

when the team you're rooting for Hand out 1 when your team completes a pass. Hand out 1 each time your team gets a first down. Hand out 3 each time your team sacks the opposing quarterback. Hand out 3 if your team kicks a field goal. Hand out 6 if your team scores a touchdown.

Drink 1 for each yard lost on a negative play. Drink 2 when your team uses a timeout. Drink 3 if your team has to punt. Drink 3 when your team commits a penalty. Drink 5 if your team commits a turnover.

The commercials

at your place

Drink 3 every time a child is used in an adorable manner.

Drink 2 every time someone uses gambling lingo.

Drink 3 for each beer commercial.

Drink 3 each time someone misidentifies a player.

Drink 4 when there’s a commercial from a company you’ve never heard of.

Drink 3 every time someone spills something.

Hand out 2 for each celebrity cameo you identify.

Drink 7 if you’re not watching when a team scores.

Hand out 5 every time you recognize a song in a commercial.

Drink an entire beer if you ever accidentally mention Tim Tebow.

class tim e

six degrees of separation

Do you know how Tom Sizemore and Pamela Anderson are connected? Email us at sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and let us know. If you’re right, you may just get a sweet ass prize.

? ? class tim e

? movie trivia answers: 1) Levar burton 2) Weird Al Yankovic 3) dave navarro 4) tommy wiseau

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