Illinois - 2/29/12 - v20i07 by The Black Sheep

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• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •

Volume 20, Issue 7 2/29/12 - 3/7/12

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC

THE LEGEND OF THE UNOFFICIAL LEPRECHAUN CARL WROTE THIS Sit right back, my little spuds, and I’ll tell you the ole tale o’ the Unofficial Leprechaun. Many, many years ago, there were two cheery leprechauns who were drunk and in love and went on ahead to make a leprechaun baby, as any two lovebirds are wont to do. in the deep of the night, just before the clock struck midnight, bringing out the day of St. Patrick, Momma Leprechaun gave birth to a wee little leprechaun who was quite a bit unusual. This wee little lad was born with his head on upside-down (terrible thing, drinking during pregnancy can be). Loving her strange baby anyways, Momma Leprechaun gave the small potato the name Unpatrick. You might think that name weird, and you wouldn’t be alone in thinking so. Poor little Unpatrick was ceaselessly teased for having such an unusual name on top of having a head that wasn’t right-side-up. Papa Leprechaun would just tell Unpatrick to keep his chin up – which just so happened to be something that Unpatrick was very good at. Unpatrick tried everything he could to fit in at leprechaun school. he learned to walk on his hands in a perpetual handstand in order to look like he belonged, but the other students would just throw tacks on the floor to keep Unpatrick from playing with them. he tried drawing a face on his chin and wearing a giant scarf around the rest of his head, but the other kids would pluck the googly eyes from his faux visage and give him a swift beating while his face was still covered by the scarf. even when Unpatrick tried sitting quietly in the back of the classroom the students would find ways to tease him by writing vulgar words upside down on the board. Unpatrick endured his teasing all through Leprechaun high and was ecstatic when he found he received a disability scholarship to Leprechaun University. however, things were not much different for Unpatrick at LU. Following his father’s advice, Unpatrick tried to keep his chin up and decided to make friends by going to his first party. having never been to a party before, Unpatrick was flabbergasted by all of the activities he saw: a table with ten mini pots of gold on each end that people were trying to throw tiny white balls into – and at a closer look he realized the pots were filled with a golden liquid rather than gold coins; just next to that was a group of people sitting around a table and trying to bounce gold coins into

a cup in the center of the table; then, just across the room, there were people surrounding a giant silver pot with a strange spout sticking out of it ﬁlling up their mini pots with even more of this liquid gold. Unpatrick quietly wondered if he’d discovered heaven. “Whoa! Check out that upside-down head over there! Let’s make him drink with us!” called out one of the less

sober leprechauns. They quickly rushed around him and dragged poor Unpatrick to the silver pot with the spout. “do a kegstand!” They called out and forced Unpatrick onto his hands above the silver pot, which was apparently called a “keg,” and watched as Unpatrick easily drained the entire keg in one simple handstand. he dismounted perfectly and let out an upside down *BUrP* and the room was quiet.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 19

OTHER STUFF

INSIDE

Mardi Gras Vs. Unofficial

A TITTY OF A DIFFERENT COLOR IS STILL A TITTY.

STEP 1: DON’T FALL OFF THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE.

LET THEM DISCOVER YOUR POT O’ GOLD.

SEE PAGE7

SEE PAGE 10

SEE PAGE 21

The Unofficial Survival Guide

Sex in the CU: Leprechaun Sex

O’KAMS the official pre st.pats party FRIDAY MARCH 2ND @ 10AM $3 JAMESON SHOTS | $3 JAMESON DRINKS $4 ABSOLUT GREEN GUYS

GREEN BEER!

$3.50 LITERS, $3 16oz BOTTLE CANS

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BEER BELLY, WHITE LEGS IRISH LIMBO, IRISH JIG AND MORE!

SATURDAY, MARCH 3

4 REBELS VODKA PRESENTS DJ CHRIS MIX KEEP UNOFFOCIAL WEEKEND GOING WITH $3 4 REBELS DRINKS AND OTHER AWESOME SPECIALS!

SUNDAY, MARCH 4

SUNDAY FUNDAY SPORTS EDITION! ILLINOIS VS WISCONSIN AT NOON HAWKS VS WINGS AT 3PM BULLS VS 76ERS AT 6PM SHOOT TO WIN PRIZES! $3.50 ABSOLUT BLUE GUYS $2.00 22OZ LITE DRAFTS $2.50 16OZ LITE BOTTLE CANS

KAM’S

618 E. Daniel St. | Champaign | 217.337.3300 | kamsillini.com

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TABLE OF PAGE 5

PAGE 16

A Keg’s Viewpoint on Unofficial

Bartenders of the Week

UNOFFICIALLY, THESE GIRLS ARE HOT.

FOR SOME INANIMATE OBJECTS, THE DAY ISN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE.

PAGE 6

The Real Unofficial Letter to PAGE 16 Your Parents YOU DIDN’T WANNA GROW UP, BUT NOW THAT YOU DID, YOU TURNED INTO AN ALCOHOLIC KID!

PAGE 8

PAGE 9

Christmas in... March?

ALSO KNOWN AS HANUKKAH IN SPRING OR KWANZA FOR…WHO REALLY GIVES A SHIT?

PAGE 18

A Father Explains Unofficial PAGE 18 to His Son

From the Streets

WHAT IS YOUR BEVERAGE OF CHOICE ON UNOFFICIAL?

Drinking Game: The Unofficial Challenge

IT’S NOT JUST, “DON’T DRUNK DIAL YOUR BOOTY CALL.”

Get It Together, Out-ofTowners

MAYBE IF YOU GOT INTO U OF I IN THE FIRST PLACE WE WOULDN’T BE HAVING THIS TALK.

WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN ARE VERY DRUNK, THAT’S HOW UNEXPECTED BABIES GET MADE!

PAGE 9

CONTENTS

PAGE 23

The Top Ten

NEAR-DEATH UNOFFICIAL EXPERIENCES

The First Ever Unofficial Crime Alert Contest

WE WANT TO WATCH CHAMPAIGNURBANA BURN.

Meet The Staff! ManaGinG ediTor Carly Kamp

CarTooniST alexandra Joyce

CoPY ediTor Mike Benson

Pr ManaGerS abbie Welch & Ken halvachs

adVerTiSinG ManaGer Michelle Lenzen eric Blokel

PhoToGraPher Caitlin Chrzanowski

CaMPUS direCTor Brendan Bonham oWner atish doshi FoUnderS atish doshi & derek Chin QUeSTionS?

info@theblacksheeponline.com adVerTiSinG?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

PAGE FOUR

PIC OF THE WEEK >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Carl, up, eh? Unofﬁcial is coming Jackson

so in my bank account, have twenty dollars ne yo ly an on i Jackson, if t y, tha all ed sic liz Ba is. i just rea rious of days. You bet your ass it on this the most glo lex on the corner beejes for alcohol the apartment comp d un aro g llin i’ll be whoring out tro be ll wi I , me er off has spare alcohol to sexual price list: y. here is my basic be of Fourth and heale wondering if they’d for those who are Ds 36 t go e I’v – ne boob access - Shots will get anyo it. andling rth job. wo i will include ball-h will buy you a hand wie (if it’s Fat Tire blo r - a cup or keg access pe pro a ase uld purch - Six pack of beer wo and swallowing). with my vagina. u a little sexy time r. - a ﬁfth will get yo key to my backdoo the u yo nt gra course, ol. - a handle will, of oh alc e lov t olic. i jus no, i’m not an alcoh t talking about od stuff, and I’m no for a little of the go ing yth an do uld wo Seriously though, I your dick. a slap in the face? Cheers, some life advice, or maybe just Got a question? Concern? Need Carl

ail.com

Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

Judging by Kim's face, Rachel must've eaten those coney dogs again... Think your caption is good enough for Page Four? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

caption@theblacksheeponline.com

SEXY ANAGRAMS >>> LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS

MiLeY CYrUS & TYSon BeCKFord

CAN YOU GUESS THESE HOTTIES?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

WORD OF THE WEEK >>> FANTAGE POINT

GASSED UNSHAVEN

SEAL GIRL MINI

SUBMIT YOUR OWN WORD AT WORD@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM IF YOU THINK YOU’RE SO CLEVER.

Definition: A homer-centric point of view in which a fan of a sports team expects success in the face of obvious failure. Even with a gutted far system, albatross contracts and a horrible outﬁeld, Jennifer’s fantage point meant she thought the Cubs were destined for the World Series.

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A KEG’S VIEWPOINT ON UNOFFICIAL JOHN McHONEYCOMBS WROTE THIS oh boy, finally i’ve been chosen by the almighty gods of the liquor store. at last, my supply of rich, full Keystone shall satiate the thirst of all the classy bros and girls of Champaign. My destiny is finally about to be fulfilled. Whoa, not cool guys! You buy me and then you just leave me on your porch for five days? i think a pigeon crapped on me yesterday. oh well, i see that tap in your hand, so i know that now it’s time for some lovin’. i finally get to be the life of the party. Wait dude, are you already drunk? What the hell? it’s not even 9 a.m. yet. ouch, that’s not how the tap goes on! Read the damn instructions, you moron! it’s upside down! oh great, now there’s an air leak and half my delicious Keystone will be foam. Freshman! Freshman! Freshman! Man, these people are really goin’ at it. it’s not even noon yet and everyone is wasted. There sure is a lot of green at this place. What’s this fat guy doing? Why does he have his hands on my edges, and what are those guys behind him doing with his legs? oh Jesus, no! Gah. So. heavy. Put him down dammit, i can’t breathe! oh my god, i think he just put a dent in me. These people are absolutely nuts. The other kegs never told me it would be like this! I’ve been kicked, punched, and had nothing but fat guys do handstands on me. oh wait a second, hot blonde coming my way at three o’clock. hey there, beautiful, i wouldn’t mind you doing a handstand on me. Why are you leaning over me with that weird look on your face? oh sick nasty! She just puked green shit all over the tap. i still had a quarter

barrel of Keystone left. Why would you do that to me? oh lord, it smells like chicken fries and bad decisions. God, this is the worst day of my life. Jesus, hear my prayer: i just want to go home! They won’t stop tossing me into walls and slipping on the girl’s vomit right next to me. They have to pass out soon, what time is it? only 2:30? how is that even possible? Wait, what’s that banging at the door? oh sweet salvation, the police are here. They’ll put an end to this debauchery. What does that guy mean his lease doesn’t allow for me to be here? Wait, what are you doing? Put me down! no not off the balcony! For the love of god nooooooooooooo! oooh, where am i? how could that asshole just toss me off their balcony like that? God damn, there’s a lot of shit down here: beer cans, glass, bras, and is that a homeless man? Why are you shaking me? oh no, tell me you’re not doing what i think you’re planning on doing. Well, i have to say i deﬁnitely underestimated the classiness of these homeless people. They actually treat me right and don’t care that someone puked on the tap. This is the kind of respect that i deserve! hey guys, why won’t this one guy stop staring at me? no sir, i don’t think i’m better than you now just calm down. Sir, please calm down. Whoa, what’s with the knife? There’s no need for-gah! oh God, i’m bleeding out my precious Keystone. Why’s everyone laughing? What the hell is wrong with you people? i suppose this is the end, farewell my friends. You have out-partied me.

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THE REAL UNOFFICIAL LETTER TO YOUR PARENTS KEN DOLL WROTE THIS To the Parents or Guardians of a University of illinois student, The purpose of this letter is to inform you about the event popularly known as “Unofficial St. Patrick’s day” that is expected to occur Friday March 2nd of this year. We the administration feel the need to inform you that this event is in no way affiliated or sponsored by the University of illinois. The University frowns upon the activities and behavior that takes place on this day. Why do you ask? Because shit goes down. First of all, we’d like you to ask your failure of a child to pull the keg tap out of his mouth for three seconds and turn himself right side up, so you can yell at him about why spending an entire day drinking and ignoring classes is terrible for him and going to get him killed. But we all know that won’t happen. no matter what you tell your child, they’re going to get so shitfaced on Unofficial that they blackout by noon, only to nap for a few hours and then repeat the process three more times throughout the day. So instead of trying to take any measures to help you prevent your children from being complete fuck ups, we’re going to explain why their bank account was wiped out and what the drunken message they left on your voicemail at three in the afternoon was all about. Unofficial is essentially an excuse for not only your child and his college friends to get hammered, but an excuse for eVerY college student to come in to town and get hammered. i want to guarantee you that it really isn’t your child that the administration is concerned about. Your child’s done so much irreparable damage to his liver that he knows how to handle all-day alcohol binges. hell, by now waking up by eight in the morning and drinking until 3a.m. is a typical Tuesday for your child, so there’s something you can be proud of. Unfortunately, students from other schools haven’t received the training and conditioning that your child’s liver has had, but since we don’t know the address of every out-of-towner’s parent/guardian, you’re stuck with reading this letter. Since there is no chance in hell your kid is going to get so drunk he pisses his pants in the middle of the day, maybe you can convince him to deal with his idiot friends? When we say “deal with them,” we mean try to prevent them from getting drunk and attempting to surf on cars down Green Street. and when their idiot friend inevitably does something stupid, please hide their mutilated body somewhere oFF campus, that way the University isn’t held responsible. Seriously, we’ve been getting a bad enough rap as it is. as we’ve gone ahead and accepted the fact that your child will probably be waking up in a ditch with an empty bottle of whiskey, a dead hooker and a bad hangover, let’s not dwell on what’s going to go wrong on Friday. instead let’s focus on the positives of Unofficial. While it might be because of drunken debauchery, your child is going to bond with all sorts of people during his overconsumption of both legal and illegal substances. While their memories of the event will probably be few, they’ll have something to look back on fondly in the years after the graduation. Most likely because they will return year after year to relive their glory days, but that is beside the point. need more good news? Well your kid will probably have unprotected sex at some point, so congratulations on the new addition to the family! Sincerely, The University of illinois Champaign-Urbana

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MARDI GRAS vs UNOFFICIAL

KITTY KAT WROTE THIS

This year i experienced my first Mardi Gras in St. Louis. More than likely, it will also be my last. Let me just say that it was nowhere near as exciting as I thought it would be. i mean, getting drunk and stupid is one thing, but doing it in front of hundreds of parents and their kids? Yeah, it kind of makes you feel like an asshole. Take my word for it. Save your money and your dignity next year; stay close to home and celebrate Unofficial, the Midwest’s only true drinking holiday. Mardi Gras is known for its excessive amount of beads and boobies, but nothing really happens beyond that. a girl lifts her shirt up on the street, people throw a few necklaces at her, and then she continues on her way. That’s it, end of story. if i wanted to look and not touch, I could have just stayed at home with my collection of nudie mags and a big bag of Cheetos. Unofficial, on the other hand, is a little different and lot more fulfilling. instead of just a quick glance at some chick’s rack, things go a bit further. Living in a college town, there are apartments and dorms everywhere you look. That’s a lot of beds, countertops, and bathtubs just waiting for you to do the nasty. Meanwhile, all the Mardi Gras goers are stuck just staring at a couple pairs of boobs as they pass by in a parade and slowly disappear in the distance. Talk about a boner kill. Unlike our beloved little Chambana, St. Louis is a legit

city, and that means only one thing: real freakin’ cops. They post up around the parade route, waiting to pounce on every unlucky, intoxicated nineteen-year old they see. Champaign’s scariest arm of the law is the elite fleet of parking meter maids who ticket any and every car for no reason at all. Because of this, every student pretty much has the green light to get trashed and wander around campus without worrying too much about it. drinking in St. Louis for Mardi Gras is pretty much a no-no unless you’re of the legal age or you enjoy going to court for being a minor in possession of alcohol. When you’re going on an all-day drinking sesh, the last thing you want to do is stick to a schedule. For Mardi Gras there’s always a parade, then maybe a greasy stuffed dinner before the nightlong ragers. But if you live outside of the city, or out in those scary east St. Louis parts, you have to plan what shuttle to take from where and at what time or find the phone number of some money-loving cab company to chauffeur your drunk ass around. Unofficial is a wasted person’s paradise: a whole day of frolicking in the streets, no plans or commitments. it’s just you, Green Street, and the next bar on your crawl. as long as you’re up by 7 a.m. to get to your friend’s apartment for the first few kegs, you have no other obligations for the rest of the day. Just go with the flow, and stick with your pack of friends, who will probably start to trail off around early afternoon when they start to smell that sweet Geovanti’s aroma.

i guess it is a bit convenient that Mardi Gras falls a week or two before Unofﬁcial. Think of it as a pregame, as it certainly does not deserve the title of being a national drinking event. There are too many teasing girls, unnecessary obligations, and situations to fuck up your next-to-spotless criminal record. Carelessly drinking your balls off all day with your friends should be just that and nothing more. So take off the beads, toss on some green, and meet me at Kam’s.

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CHRISTMAS IN... MARCH? MR. BYRNES WROTE THIS

a very, very, very important day exists in the month of March for a select group of Champaign inhabitants. Those who celebrate go through an entire year of tirelessly waiting, living as dry as Betty White's vagina and as anxious as Keyboard Cat before he gets to play off haley Joel osment. it is the time of the year when wealth is shared by all and gracious students really give back to the community. nope, i'm not talking about Unofficial. i'm talking about the day right after Unofficial. What does this day represent? Well, to some of the hardest working individuals living slightly south of the poverty line, this day is Christmas. have you ever woken up really early the Saturday morning after Unofficial? obviously not. But if you did, you would see twenty of Champaign’s finest bums collecting literally hundreds of thousands of cans. Let's make an ass out of you and me for a second. assume there are around 25,000 U of i students that celebrate Unofficial. now, say you quadruple that population with all of the scavenger lightweights from the wanna be U's coming to consummate our streets with vomit, blood, piss, dirt, sexual juices and the attitude that reflects the best Scumbag Steve they can manage. Multiply all of those debaucheryseeking Jim Morrisons by an average of 6-9 canned beers per person and you're going to get a lot of—almost too much—left over booze and cans for the collectin’. don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t a charitable person. according to the natural resource recovery

association in 2008, a pound of aluminum is about 32 cans, and one pound of aluminum in illinois is worth about $0.45, making 3,200 aluminum cans worth $45. That would be a fair amount for a normal weekend, but this is the most wasteful, fuck-the-environmenti'd-rather-have-a-beer weekend in the history of college partying. a can collector could pull in $100-150 on Unofﬁcial if he or she really worked at it. Being a pretty good haul for one weekend, the following three days are going to be a hobo spa week. Sure, these people aren't cooking in a sauna or getting delicate massages from small asian women, but you can bet they are spending their money on pleasures simpler to them, like drugs! If you’re the recyclable type of can collector, your best bet is to spend a hundred big ones on more beer. it's a winwin; the scruffy individual can be completely Jersey-Shore-faced for a whole week and still come back with a couple bucks. if you want to know about other classic homeless recipes like crack and heroin, well you should just consult your local GGG. Being a good guy, he will probably be more than happy to tell you all about it. as a campus-wide effort, it would be quite the neighborly thing to do if we all bagged the cans we consumed the sweet nectar from separately from the bottles and put the bags neatly by dumpsters or out on the porch. Santa wraps your gifts for you, right? The least you can do is return the favor to a bunch of guys who ate least look a lot like Santa Claus.

c s g t a l ia ic f f o n u t r sta

open at 8am!

Green Street Cafe

Serv g Breakfin ast!

35 EAST GREEN STREET | CHAMPAIGN | (217) 367-6844

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A FATHER EXPLAINS UNOFFICIAL TO HIS SON IN THE 1950s

COREY GUASTINI WROTE THIS

FROM 'DA STREETS Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What is your beverage of choice for Unofficial?

Father: Come here, sport. Sit on my lap. Son: But I’m listening to the radio! I need to know if the communist aliens are going to take over earth. They’re the scariest aliens yet. Their hair isn’t neatly parted and the top button is undone on their shirts.

"Dirty Leprechaun - Green River and Vodka" - Steve W., Sophomore

Father: I told you not to listen to that program, son. You’ll have nightmares of poor hygiene and wrinkled clothes. now come here. Son: Yes, sir. Father: Did you shower and brush your teeth? Son: Yes. Father: and did you feed your ﬁsh? Son: (Dejected) no. Father: Timmy, you have to feed the ﬁsh. Would you like it if your mother and I didn’t feed you a well balanced diet of meat, vegetables, Wonder Bread, and a single slice of pie on Sundays? Son: no, sir.

off the side of the road.

Son: Yes!

Son: That is silly.

Father: Their manner of dress, Timmy. You see, all the invaders will be wearing green shirts with sayings on them that attempt to be funny and clever but more often than not miss the mark. The men’s shirts won’t have collars, and the women’s clothes will be very revealing. They’ll be dressed exactly like that hussy neighbor girl Karen who disappeared for nine months then came back a little heavier and looking distraught.

Father: If you show you’re responsible, i’ll let you steer while i drive the Buick. Would you like that?

Father: and on March 2nd, thousands of Uncle Johns will be roaming the streets. It’ll be exactly like that alien program you were listening to, except one hundred percent real.

Son: That would be swell!

Son: (Terriﬁed) are they going to get me?

Father: It sure would, sport, it sure would (tussles his hair). now, Timmy, i think it’s important that I tell you about an event that’s going to happen on March 2nd.

Father: if you don’t make your bed.

Son: is the circus coming to town?!

Father: Senator Kennedy? Why would he have his own coin? never mind, it’s not important. do you want to know how to spot the invaders?

Father: no, Timmy, not the circus. i wish malnourished dancing bears were our only problem. These are immoral, pleasure seeking heathens i’m warning you about. Son: (Looking as though he’s about to ask, “What?”) What? Father: how can i explain this… You know your Uncle John? Son: no. Father: exactly. We keep him away from here, because he’s addicted to the Devil’s water. he doesn’t think straight and does silly things. Son: When I have too much sugar, I do silly things! Just last week I was jumping on the bed! remember? Father: not those kinds of silly things, Timmy. he gets angry and yells at aunt Denise, and he sometimes drives his car

Son: I’ll make it, I swear! You’ll be able to bounce a Kennedy half-dollar off the sheets!

Son: Yes, sir! Father: Well, you know how you normally wake up to the sound of mockingbirds singing? Son: Yes. Father: it’s a sin to kill those, by the way. But the invaders’ incoherent shouting from balconies will drown their beautiful song out. These creatures have no concern for normal circadian rhythms or appropriate tones of voice. Son: Loud noises scare me. Father: i know. Your fear of thunder embarrasses your mother and me. now, do you want to know the best way to spot them?

"What's Unofficial?" - Kevin H., Freshman

Son: We stay away from Karen. Father: That’s right, Timmy. and all girls like her. on March 2nd, there will be nothing but Uncle Johns and neighbor Karens outside. Son: So what do we do? Father: We get in the fallout shelter. We lock arms. We pray. and we do our multiplication tables, because one day you will have to multiply seven times eight correctly, Timmy, and you might not have a fallout shelter to save you. Miss Campbell said you’ve been struggling with those when we went to the parent-teacher conference. Son: oh, rats. Father: don’t curse, Timmy. Son: Sorry. Father: it’s all right. i just wanted to let you know we’ll make it through March 2nd. We’ll make it through. Son: i love you, dad. Father: Go to bed.

"Irish Car Bombs!" - Jerry S., Junior

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UNOFFICIAL SURVIVAL GUIDE ALEX DIMARIS WROTE THIS a recent Gallup Poll found Unofficial to be the most anticipated holiday on campus: voted ten times better than Christmas, twice as good as halloween, and just barely beating out President’s day. For the uninitiated it can be a tricky day to maneuver through. however, in your hands is the failsafe way to guarantee that you have the best Unofficial possible and (almost as important) that you survive. DON’T SLEEP: alarm clocks are unfaithful whores just waiting for you to let your guard down. imagine, you go to bed nice and early, let’s say around 9p.m. in anticipation for the festivities, and you wake up a full 24 hours later having missed nearly everything (flash comas are real, people). You don’t want to waste a second of Unofficial sleeping. a true Unofficialite prolongs sleep as long as possible. if you are hallucinating before that first sweet drop of liquor hits your tongue, then you know you’re doing it right.

NOURISHMENT: don’t eat. in an ideal Unofficial scenario, you should not only be sweating liquor, but your stomach should be filled wall to wall with sweet, delicious malt liquors. Food is, after all, the natural enemy of alcohol. it even says so on the periodic table. LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU CROSS THE STREET: When my alcoholic father would get tired of beating us, he would tell us to go out and play in traffic until he would regain the feeling in his arm and could start beating us again. The great thing about Unofficial is that it combines the best parts of my childhood: alcohol and traffic (now if only i could get somebody to beat me). if you ever need to take a break from the rigors of heavy drinking, you can always go right outside and lay face down in the street. Trust me it’s perfectly safe. BALCONIES: only hang around balconies. You are drunker than you have ever been in your entire life; you can barely see straight, let alone walk straight. The only sensible thing to do is to head to an elevated area, with lots of other swaying drunk people. it might be a red flag that the railing is only knee high, but hey, live a little, it’s Unofficial! if you need to take a piss, why waste all that time weaving in and out of a crowd of people when you could just take out your wiener-nozzle right there and take a piss over the ledge.

"IF YOU ARE HALLUCINATING BEFORE THAT FIRST SWEET DROP OF LIQUOR HITS YOUR TONGUE, THEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT."

CLASS?: Most of you are probably debating, “Should I or shouldn’t I go to class drunk this Unofficial?” Lots of you are probably looking at that email threatening arrest and expulsion as evidence for the former, but that is part of an early april Fools’ day joke from the administration (they always get Unofficial and april Fools’ day mixed up). The more pertinent question is, “how drunk should you be when you go to class this Unofficial?” as a general rule, you should be drunk enough that everyone in the vicinity can smell you. People should be wondering, “Did this fuckhead douse himself in kerosene this morning?” The answer to that question should be a resounding yes. if you try to make a pass at your Ta by telling them, “The way you grade papers is sexy as fuck,” then you probably went too far.

HYDRATION: don’t drink any water. do you think it is a coincidence that water and weakness both start with the same letter? The obvious answer is no. i can already hear the naysayers in the back of my head, “But random The Black Sheep writer, don’t we need water to survive?” Wrong! Beer is your new water; it is also your new mother and father. Which brings me to my next point.

VIAGRA: The last and most important piece to a successful Unofﬁcial is Viagra. everyone on campus is going to be sloppy loose and you need to be ready to go at the drop of a hat. But with all the drinking you’re going to be doing; your dick is going to be as useless as a blind man’s eyes. Besides, walking through a party sporting a full raging erection is the best way to make friends. With any luck the Unofﬁcial death rates should drop this year all thanks to me. i’ll be accepting my nobel Peace Prize whenever you’ll be able to send it my way.

Unofﬁcial Twitter Shirt Contest! Rules: 1. 2. 3. 4. WIN! Good Luck! Party on Unofficial Send Us a Pic of Your Shirt

Tweet it to us: @BlackSheep_UIUC

Send in Your #Unofficial Party Pics! pp@theblacksheeponline.com | upload them online send them in right from our app! The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT WED 2/29

Unofficial St. Patricks Daysm Open at 10am (Friday) SMOKED PULLED PORK SANDWICHES ONLY..$1 from 10am-Noon

THURS: BLUES JAM! Hosted by The Sugar Prophets, Bring Your Voice/Instrument and Come Jam Out!

UNLEASH THE MADNESS! Giveaways, Green Beer, and More ALL Weekend!

SUNDAY: Yonder Mountain String Band

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts & Busch Lt. Cans! $1 Cover

$2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Zeds Dead with AraabMuzik and XI

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!! Includes Patron, Grey Goose, Jack, Bacardi, Bud...All $2!

BLUES JAM! Hosted by The Sugar Prophets, Bring Your Voice/Instrument and Come Jam Out!

Unofficial Be Here!

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

THURS 3/01

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

FRI 3/02

$3 Miller Lite Cans $4 Miller Lite Aluminum Bottles $5 24oz Miller Lite Aluminum Cans $5 16oz Bud, Bud Light, and Coors Light Aluminum Bottles

Unofficial Collision DJ Dance Party

Unofficial St. Patricks Daysm Open at 10am SMOKED PULLED PORK SANDWICHES ONLY..$1 from 10am-Noon

SAT 3/03

$2.50 Miller Lite Cans $3 Miller Lite Aluminum Bottles $4 24oz Miller Lite Cans

The Funky Monks Tribute to the Red Hot Chili Peppers

Open at 11am Serving Great Food All Day Long! DJ LUNIKS Spinnng Sat Night

D-ROKA! Come get electrified and funkified...

Yonder Mountain String Band

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

Book Your Spring Events Here!

SUN 3/04

Closed

MON 3/05

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

The Head & The Heart

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

TUES 3/06

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Come and hear our new Piano Man BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts & Busch Lt. Cans! $1 Cover

$2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

WED 3/07

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

When You Live Here, You’re Always Lucky.

We’re Pet Friendly!

Feel privileged wtih our state of the art fitness center, ballin’ theater room, free premium tanning, amazing location... Yeah, go on and pinch yourself, because this is real life.

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

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Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

Play Minute to Win It Win a Jager Tap Machine! Hawks vs Leafs 7pm Bud Mug Night $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

MONDAY: $3 Jameson START UNOFFICIAL AT $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft GSC, OPEN AT 8 AM! Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) 6-8 every(After day. 1/2 Offfrom Apps 5pm) Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

THURSDAY: ZOSO The Ultimate Led Zeppelin Experience Doors Open at 8:30

FRIDAY: GREEN BEER ALL DAY! Live Band 3-6 5 DJs Spinning in the Beer Garden from 7-12!

Free Shuttle from Wright & Daniel Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3 Strong Islands

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

ZOSO The Ultimate Led Zeppelin Experience Doors Open at 8:30

Hawks at 7PM and 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

Green Beer and Chicken Strips!

$2 Green Beer $3 Jameson $3 Guinness $4 Long Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney DJ & Dancing $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

OPEN AT 10AM GREEN BEER ALL DAY! Live Band 3-6 5 DJs Spinning in the Beer Garden from 7-12!

Under 21 Allowed to Enter to Eat until 2pm DJ Alex Polvere Spinning Saturday Night

Green Beer and Chicken Strips!

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

Come out for Bellies for Life, Stay for DJ & Dancing!

Recovery Saturday 50% Off Burgers MORE GREEN BEER!

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE ILLINI vs WISC Noon Hawks vs Red Wings 3pm Bulls vs 76ers 6pm

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

The Life and Times w/ Alpha Mile and Withershins Doors Open at 8

Sunday Funday with Green Beer and Sports! Illini at Noon Hawks at 3 Bulls at 6

Bulls vs Pacers 7pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

Hawks vs Blues 7pm $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells & Captain Morgan $5 Bud Lt. Pitchers

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Closed for Private Party

8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks Bulls at 7PM

Play Minute to Win It Win Cubs Tickets Bud Mug Night $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Reverend Horton Heat! With Goddam Gallows and Larry & His Flask Doors Open 7PM

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

THURS 3/01

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

SUN 3/04

Open at 10AM! $1.99 Cheeseburger & Fries 90 MINUTES ONLY! from 10am-11:30am Jager Girls Giving Away Green T-shirts at 11am!

MON 3/05

Unofficial St. Patricks Daysm

TUES 3/06

WED 2/29

SPECIAL NIGHT

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

The day before Unofficial is.... ST. PRACTICE DAY $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey Unofficial Starts at Midnight with GREEN BEER! plus 10PM Harry Caray Toast WIN CUBS TICKETS!

FRI 3/02

Unofficial St. Patricks Daysm Firehaus Open at 10AM! $1.99 Cheeseburger & Fries 90 MINUTES ONLY! from 10am-11:30am Jager Girls Giving Away Green T-shirts at 11am!

WED 3/07

SAT 3/03

OPEN AT 11AM

Serving Fantastic Food All Day!

Bulls vs Bucks 7pm

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS MONDAY $1 Fatty Bottles $1 Wells, $2 Energy $3 Pitchers!

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

COUNTRY NIGHT $3.50 Dbl Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts “Drink in Yur Mason Jar”

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bacardi Girls T-shirts, Hats & More $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

The Best Place to be Irish on Campus!

Unofficial St. Patricks Daysm Open at 10am Serving Lucky Charms Cereal and Green Beer! Live DJs All Day Long!

$3 Miller and Coors Pints All Day! $5 Guiness Open at 11AM 21+ All Weekend

Green Beer! Be safe.

The Best Place to be Irish on Campus!

Two Big Events! Unofficial Rehab: Open at 11 $1 Mimosas - $1 Bloody Marys Games and Food All Day! Sat Night- FOAM PARTY!! First Time Ever at Red Lion!

Stellar Days Live 10 - 12 $3 Miller and Coors Pints All Day! $5 Guiness Open at 11AM 21+ All Weekend

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

Book your Next Party at The Red Lion Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

"Cinco de Marcho" We can't wait till May

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Green Beer! Be safe.

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 3/07

Sunday Funday! ILL at Wisc at Noon Shoot to Win Prizes $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22oz Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

Unofficially Yours... Sexy School Girl Night Come RAGE on Unofficial EVE! w/ 24oz GREEN SHACKERS UNOFFICIAL Starts at Midnight with GREEN BEER!

TUES 3/06

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

MON 3/05

4 Rebels Party w/ DJ Chris Mix! $3 4 Rebels Drinks MORE GREEN BEER!

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

SUN 3/04

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

SAT 3/03

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Party w/ DJ John Han $3.00 Lite 16oz Bottle Cans $4.00 Absolut Green Guys $3.50 32oz Lite Green Drafts $3.00 Jameson Drinks & Shots CONTESTS & PRIZES ALL DAY!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

FRI 3/02

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM’S/ILLINI B-ball Featuring DJ Jay LaVitola $3.50 Absolut Vodka & Bam $1.00 Miller Bottles ILL v Mich 6pm BTN Win Prizes, Free Shuttle to Game Jagerette Party: $1 Jager Shots $2 Jager Bombs

Unofficial Weekend! $3 Miller and Coors Pints All Day! $5 Guiness

THURS 3/01

Bacardi Girls T-shirts, Hats & More $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

Saturday Night FOAM PARTY with DJ John Han We are dropping a ton of Foam all over the bar!

WED 2/29

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

MONDAY: "Cinco de Marcho" We can't wait till May

SUN: Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRIDAY: Come Party w/ DJ John Han $3.00 Lite 16oz Bottle Cans $4.00 Absolut Green Guys $3.50 32oz Lite Green Drafts $3.00 Jameson Drinks & Shots CONTESTS & PRIZES!

COME FIND OUT WHY THE VILLAGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE IN CHAMPAIGN/URBANA! • HUGE 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

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Week

of the

Major: Psychology

Major: english

Relationship Status: Single – Fuck yeah!

Relationship Status: Single What are your plans for unofficial? Beer bongs, body shots, and keg stands.

What is the best Unofficial shirt you have ever seen? The boozer jerseys from last year were pretty baller. ha, see what i did there?

What advice would you give to freshmen about this blessed holiday? don’t pass out naked in the street.

Are you actually Irish? I have freckles… does that count?

Favorite drink to drink on Unofficial? Bud Light Platinum

Have you ever gotten/given a blumpkin? does your grandpa count?!

How many times do you think you can blackout on Unofficial? how many black guys have i gotten with?

Would you rather drink an ounce of green cum or green dip spit? Green cum

Would you rather be drunkenly attacked by a pack of leprechauns or by an old Irishman and his shillelagh? I think getting slapped by an old man’s shillelagh sounds great.

What sexual activity would you do to a leprechaun to get his pot of gold? ass to mouth. On a scale of one to Drink-EightMickeys-By-Myself, how desperately are you trying to get laid on Unofficial? Making-out-with-a-hoboon-Green-Street-desperate.

Marie Kadowaki KAMS

Best unofficial story: had sex in the manager’s ofﬁce of Kam’s after an intense day of drinking. What drink would you consider magically delicious? Zach Meyer’s splooge

drinking game:

THE UNOFFICIAL CHALLENGE

How many pints of green beer does it take to get into the pants of a visiting student on Unofficial? how hot is the student?

Jessica Marovich JOE'S BREWERY

How many classes do you have on Unofficial? Wait, there’s class on Unofﬁcial?! If you had to pick a slogan for Unofficial what would it be? “Bend me over, i’m irish.”

recipe for disaster:

IRISH BANANAS

The holiest of high holidays is upon us! Unofﬁcial is back and it’s time for memories you’ll never remember and injuries you’ll never forget. Especially if you play this game.

Unofﬁcial is right around the corner, and as much as we all love Dr. Seuss, the joke is overdone. Don’t be the schmuck trying to impress people with your green eggs and ham. Green eggs and ham are out; Irish Bananas are in!

What You’ll Need: Whiskey and beer. Lots and lots of beer (preferably green to set the mood and make your vomit more festive). Players: as many who are willing to take on the challenge. Level of Intoxication: an Unofﬁcial you’ll deﬁnitely forget, you might wake up next to a midget and have a shamrock tattooed on your ass, or something even better (the possibilities are endless)!

What You’ll Need: Butter, brown sugar, Irish whiskey, bananas, vanilla ice cream Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: Don’t let the bananas fool you; there is absolutely no nutritional beneﬁt to these babies.

How to Play: The rules are simple, and you must follow them throughout the entire day. if you start seeing more than three leaves on a shamrock, then you’re winning. - Speak in an irish accent all day. if you mess up, take a shot of whiskey. - every time you hear an irish song (think Flogging Molly or dropkick Murphys) chug your beer for the duration of the chorus. - if you spot a Green Man, you have to take a double shot and convince him to do one with you. - every time you see a shirt that says “Kiss me i’m irish” ﬁnish your drink (and claim your free kiss). - every time someone says, “Top o’ the mornin to ya!” chug your beer. - if you see someone yackin’, chug half of your beer. - every time someone hits on you with the line, “i think i just found me pot of gold,” take a shot to forget that lame line. - if you spot a leprechaun: JaCKPoT! Take a shot of whiskey and chug your beer for 15 seconds. The Game Ends When: Your level of consciousness, dignity or, in most cases, both decline.

Let’s Get Baked: - Melt butter in a skillet. - Stir in brown sugar and whiskey until the whiskey reduces and turns syrupy. - add bananas to the skillet and simmer until bananas are glazed with the syrup. - Serve immediately with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. - it’s just that simple. Drunk people everywhere will ﬂock to your party when they hear you are making this alcoholic delicacy, so be sure to make enough for all the friends you’ll meet when you’re drunk but never talk to again. They’re the best!

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

BOOZE REVIEW: PAUL MASSON BRANDY A+ Overview: I’m a fan of the darker spirits (this has nothing to do with my skin color, i swear). i happened upon this little gem while looking for something on the cheaper side that could satiate my thirst for whiskey or rum. at $20 a handle, i was practically sold on this sauce the moment i laid eyes on it. Just one whiff and you can tell you’re in for a good night. History: after immigrating to america from France, Masson started making wine and brandy in California’s Santa Clara Valley. it was here that he became known as the Champagne King of California at the turn of the twentieth century. Being the King of California, he drunkenly declared war on Mexico without the knowledge of the rest of the United States. The war ended ten minutes later after Masson passed out in drunken stupor. The only casualty was his big toe, which he stubbed when he fell to the ground. Since then, Masson has dedicated his life to spreading peace and joy by allowing people to get shitfaced for dirt cheap off his brandy.

THE MIXER CENTER On the rocks: a With Coke: a+

User Comments: “The name’s Bond. James Bond.” “Wow, all of a sudden i feel like my father.” “i think my testicles just dropped.” “Why yes ma’am, i do like to frequent sexy parties.” “has anyone seen where i parked my Lexus?” Typical drinkers: People who want to be secret spies but can’t afford tuxedos or cool gadgets, college students who want to get fucked up while feeling classy as shit, royalty of third world countries, my future wife, anyone with actual functioning taste buds. Conclusion: They weren’t lying when they said this was smooth. it tastes like top shelf booze at a “wells on special” price. if James Bond was a real man, this is what he would ejaculate. i swear i will never buy a different bottle of liquor so long as i’m cheap.

With Sprite: B Out of the mouth of dead hooker: Solid C

Don’t Be That Guy!



Drink Responsibly & Safely This Weekend 

Or That Girl!

GET IT TOGETHER, OUT-OF-TOWNERS SLANG WROTE THIS

THE TOP TEN

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Near-Death Unofficial Experiences Shit’s about to get real, people. If you don’t have at least one of the following near-death experiences, well, you and I probably won’t be attending the same Unofficial. If I die this weekend, it is confirmed that God and I have similar senses of humor. 10) Green means good: You assume everything green is good this weekend and, in your drunken stupor, decide to eat that moldy piece of chicken that managed to slide to the back part of the fridge where near-empty bottles of barbeque sauce go to die. 9) Slip n’ died: Temperatures drop below freezing and you slip on the sidewalks that are now paved with frozen barf. You forget everything from that point on in your life and adam Sandler repeatedly attempts to date you. 8) Honey, look, a leprechaun: Your drunken and liberal use of the word leprechaun to any and every redhead you encounter ends up with you having a better understanding of why the irish are always described as ‘fighting’. 7) You wanna go higher: You’re down big in beer pong and the crowd’s just not into it. So you harness the Blake Griffin in you and then you harness the non-ginger in Blake Griffin and attempt a Workaholics-style reverse Ping-Pong ball dunk from the roof. damned collapsible card tables.

Unofficial is every student’s favorite day of the year. We all decide to blow off class and get shitfaced at the ass crack of dawn. it’s like Christmas, only for alcoholic college students. Unfortunately, with Christmas comes those relatives from out of town, the ones you never really talk to, but when that special day hits, they want to come visit. Yes, i’m referring to all of you kids who come gallivanting in from other campuses. Consider this University of illinois’ official plea for you to keep your shit together on Unofficial. I know that most of you go to the shittier schools like Purdon’t, i Screwed Up, and north “i’m a little bitch” Western, and hell, I get that you’re super-pumped to be at a school that isn’t full of functional morons. That’s fine, but stop trying to hold your own when it comes to alcohol tolerance. every single year you all come in and get wasted way too fast, leaving you to do ridiculously stupid things. Unofficial is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and just like any other dedicated athlete, we’ve all spent the entire year building up our alcohol tolerance.

Contrary to what you might think, the campus doesn’t magically become one big outdoor bar overnight. Parents and university officials all make a huge deal out of Unofficial being dangerous, but it isn’t because of us. it’s because of you. This is a huge money making weekend for cops. They hand out drinking tickets like a hooker does STds, but most of those tickets don’t go to the students here; they go to their dumbass friends. open containers equal tickets, idiots. By all means, drink in public; just do it in a way that’s god damn smart. Go out and buy yourself a reusable water bottle, put your drink in that. You’re also the reason the cops get their panties in a bunch in the first place. Why do all of you get drunk and do insane things? don’t get me wrong, i’ve done my fair share of stupid things when I’ve been drunk, we all have. But none of it compares to some of the stupid crap you people try and pull. a few years back, some kid jumped off the roof of an apartment building. i know that after three Green apple Four Lokos you think you’re Superman, but you’re really not. don’t jump off any skyscraper thinking you can fly. You’re not a bird. You’re not a plane. You’re just fucking dead. don’t try any other super-dangerous shit either. anything they urged you not to do when you were five, like run with knives or eat Play-doh, you definitely shouldn’t do on Unofficial.

"THAT OBNOXIOUS KID WHO PROJECTILE VOMITS GREEN BEER ALL OVER THE BEER PONG TABLE - DON'T BE THAT GUY."

Going along with that, if you feel like you need to take a break, take a damn break. drink some water, or go get some pancakes from ihoP to soak up some of the booze. i know you’re probably all thinking that we’re going to relentlessly ridicule you for doing so. don’t get me wrong, we’re totally going to point out the fact that you come from a pansy-ass school, and we’ll probably make fun of you for the rest of the weekend. Know what we really hate, though? That obnoxious kid who projectile vomits green beer all over the beer pong table. don’t be that guy. Take a break, and then keep drinking. We’d also greatly appreciate it if you did a better job of hiding both your beer and intoxication on Green Street.

In short, just be responsible while you’re getting obliterated. if you all keep coming down and acting like twats, you’re going to ruin this really great holiday we have. Just think about it this way: if you don’t get your shit together, you could ruin this holy day for all of us, and then you’ll be stuck at your lackluster school celebrating Saint Patrick’s day the way the rest of the world does. nobody wants that.

6) End of your rainbow: You mistake a dew-covered spider web on the 3rd story balcony for a rainbow-like zip line that could potentially lead to a little green Irish man whose gold you can steal after you’ve shoved his dead body in the pot. You’ll be fortunate if the nurse can liquefy Skittles for you to even consume them again. 5) You don’t own a green man costume: Since you’re original and the only person that watches It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you need one. You make your own out of either green grocery bags or that green leather recliner that’s been sitting by the dumpster for three weeks. Luckily, you follow the example of Frank in the Christmas special and get naked just before you suffocate. 4) Couch toss: Someone at the 5th story sausage fest you’re walking by lets the interior designer in them out, starting a chant to, “Chuck the Couch!” People like this are the exact reason why hotels chain furniture down. Thankfully, they don’t push quite far enough and it only swings down into the balcony of the 4th story sausage fest. 3) Non-non-toxic food coloring: Ranking price over toxicity, you go cheap on green food coloring. if you’re lucky enough to be reading this pre-Unofﬁcial, you’ll be prepared thanks to the following experience. 2a) At-home stomach-pumping kit (and you don’t have friends): You’re the ultimate diYer. You somewhat successfully attempt your own stomach pumping. it’s a damned shame that your internal organs are such perfectionists. 2b) At-home stomach-pumping kit (and you think you have friends): It’s a damn shame that beer bong looks exactly like what your ‘friends’ imagine a stomach pump would look like. 1) You’re an out-of-towner: You were kind of asking for it when you mistakenly thought vandalizing that old lady’s mailbox and front windows was the dope thing to do. You better hope the hobos on Green Street didn’t think you were the dope thing to do last night. regardless, there were at least a few syringes in that pile of trash bags in the side alley of Kam’s. Your chances of venereal disease aren’t nearly as high as your chances of hiV.

LANDON O'MILLS WROTE THIS

www.theblacksheeponline.com “holy shit, dude that was incredible. it’s like you were made to do this! What’s your name, man?” “Um, it’s Unpatrick,” Unpatrick quietly told him. “To Unpatrick!” the popular leprechaun yelled out. Just like that the entire party was chanting his name, and Unpatrick was no longer unpopular. The rest of the night Unpatrick showed off his absurd drinking skills to the crowd and learned that his upside down head was a huge genetic advantage to drinking and getting high – scientiﬁcally speaking, of course. even Lucky, the hottest leprechaun at all of LU, wanted to see what Unpatrick could do, so she took him upstairs and discovered that Unpatrick’s head was designed for the perfect 69. While most were confused at the upside down orientation of 69, Unpatrick felt right in his element and Lucky felt like the luckiest leprechaun in the whole world. Unpatrick soon became LU’s pride and joy – they proudly ﬂaunted their most unique leprechaun in front of the crappy Southern Leprechaun (lousy state school) and even convinced Unpatrick that he should partake in the Study abroad program. What most people don’t know is that Leprechaun University is actually directly beneath the University of illinois. The founding leprechauns of LU were in fact the ones who built the legendary steam tunnels here at U of i. LU was in the process of building good relations with U of I and decided to show some good will by sending their most beloved leprechaun to study on the surface for a year abroad. Unpatrick gladly obliged, said his goodbyes, and was off to a whole new world. having joined a little late in the spring semester, Unpatrick was albeit not quite focused on his school work and more so looking forward to his birthday just before St. Patrick’s day. Unpatrick’s day had become a bit of a holiday back at LU, and Unpatrick was excited to bring the tradition to the surface people. and boy did he ever. Unpatrick began his birthday celebrations a good week before his birthday had actually arrived; this was so he could celebrate with all of the surface students who had plans to travel during something they called “spring break.” Unpatrick used up all of his saved gold in order to buy kegs for every apartment on campus – he was awfully proud of his kegstand and wished to share it with the entire surface world if he could.

The Movie Page GHOST RIDER:

BASED ON THE TRAILER

March 2012

SPIRIT OF VENGEANCE One must be blazed to enjoy Johnny Blaze. DIRECTED BY:

Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor

STARRING:

Nicolas Cage, Fergus Riordan, Idris Elba

GRADE: D MIKE BENSON WROTE THIS If Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance succeeded in one thing, it is that it was better than Ghost Rider. not necessarily by a significant amount, but enough so that, at the very least, the filmmakers could say they did one thing right and actually made some kind of small progress in the name of cinema. But please, make no mistake, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is still an awful movie. it’s just not at the same level as “Benson’s Big Three” (Ghost Rider, A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), Red Tails). Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance picks up not too long after where the first installment left off. Johnny Blaze (the always classy nicolas Cage) has found himself hiding out in eastern europe in an attempt to avoid causing others harm due to his curse (which makes sense, being that when one is likely to become engulfed in flames at any moment, they are not normally welcome around any gas stations or Michaels arts & craft stores). however, Blaze is tested when he is appointed the task of saving a young child named danny (Fergus riordan) from the devil by a monk. Blaze must use the curse he so hates in order to save the child, and also to possibly rid

ON DVD

himself of the curse, as promised by the monk. now, before i get into any kind of analysis of this movie, keep in mind that it is directed by Mark neveldine and Brian Taylor, directors of the Crank movie series, which are two of the most over-the-top movies hollywood ever spat out, and also that it stars nic Cage, not only one of the most clinically insane actors, but one of the most psychotic people to ever grace God’s good earth. (By the way, if you are reading this review expecting to see some nic Cage bashing, it’s not gonna happen. nicolas Cage is a wonderful man and an artist, and you can blow me if you disagree.) So yeah, it would be impossible to review this movie in any legitimate sense, since i doubt that is what the filmmakers intended in the first place. however, as a balls-to-the-wall action flick, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is still only “meh.” The dialogue was laughably bland and, despite a few great action sequences interspersed, the majority of the film was actually quite boring. Likewise, the majority of the acting in the film was terribly forced. honestly, the flaming

CGi skull seemed to possess more emotional range and acting chops than nicolas Cage. This, of course, wasn’t Cage’s fault, he was given a poor script and probably had better things on his mind than Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, like cocaine and comic books. as previously stated, the action scenes were the only saving grace for this ﬁlm. They were over-the-top and crazy, but that is exactly what I expected and wanted from a movie starring nic Cage as a biker with an easily combustible cranium. The special effects were top notch, especially in the amount of detail and work that was put into the character of the Ghost rider. as a whole, this second installment of the Ghost Rider series is much darker, which improves it greatly from its predecessor. however, with a plot that is nearly nonexistent and an awkward and shoddy performance from almost every person who worked on it besides the special effects team, I can’t give Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance my approval, no matter how good the action or special effects were. But if it’s the choice between this and the ﬁrst one, please, please see this one.

UNCAGE THE CAGE!

Starring: Miles Teller, alexis Knapp, Thomas Mann What You Need to Know: directed by Todd Phillips of The Hangover, three loser friends throw a badass party to try to make a name for themselves. But like any epic party, it ends in total chaos. Sounds like a blast! What We Think: This movie looks so fun, it makes us remember why high school house parties, when the parents were away, were the greatest thing ever. Starring three unknowns and being ﬁlmed from the 1st person perspective adds to the mystique, and we are deﬁnitely excited to see if this movie lives up to its own hype.

Silent House

This insanely talented director/producer is nic Cage's uncle.

march 9

Starring: elizabeth olsen, adam Trese What You Need to Know: elizabeth olsen plays Sarah, a young woman who is spending some time at her family's lake house, only to ﬁnd out she's been sealed inside. With no contact to the outside world, babygirl starts trippin'. What We Think: Watching this ﬁlm "unfold in real time" that's supposedly "inspired by true events" is (probably) just some bologna to try to make it seem different then any other average haunted house movie. Though olsen sure can scream scary, we're not sure if this will prove to be anything we haven't seen before.

A Thousand Words

Like Crazy Footloose Immortals Jack and Jill

The Adventures of Tintin The Three Musketeers My Week With Marilyn Happy Feet 2

march 2

ANSWERS ARE A FEW FROM HERE

March 6

March 13

Project X

When Cage is in jail, this famous bounty hunter generally posts his bail...

The island that Cage bought is right next to one owned by this country music duo...

how many total houses has nic Cage bought? Note: He doesn't own many of them anymore, since he's broke...

march 9

Starring: eddie Murphy, Cliff Curtis, Kerry Washington What You Need to Know: eddie Murphy stars as a smooth-talking man who discovers he only has 1000 words left to speak before he ends up six feet under. Sounds pretty shitty! What We Think: Though the cast doesn't seem great, there's no denying that the plot is original and thoughtprovoking... yes, about an eddie Murphy ﬁlm. it might not be winning awards any time soon, and you might want to save it for when it's out of the theaters, but it seems like it might actually keep our attention.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

SEX AND THE U

LEPRECHAUN SEX

Unofficial brings about a magical feeling in the air. Yet unbeknownst to most people, this feeling is not inspired by booze or the daring feeling you get when you skip class. Rather, it’s inspired by pheromones released during mythical leprechaun sex. Fascinating indeed. But what exactly occurs during sexual intercourse with such a wee fellow? Let’s take a closer look. The most difficult part of having sex with a leprechaun is actually finding a leprechaun to sex up. Lots of people incorrectly assume that one would find a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow, in a pub, or under a bridge (they’re not trolls, people). however, anyone who knows anything about ireland’s mythological creatures would tell you the first place you should look for a sneaky leprechaun would be at your nearest brothel. Leprechauns are horribly horny little things. once you’ve discovered him, you must not accept the treasure he offers you (as per leprechaun law) for finding him. rather, you must invoke Leprechaun Clause XXX: section 42b: Leprechaun Sex. he will oblige and take you to the nearest green pasture he can lie you down and lay you. Due to the short stature of a leprechaun’s height, our little guy will demand to be told by his love-making partner how big she thinks he is. Though whether or not he’s referring to his member is unknown, it remains quite clear that our insecure Irish pint enjoys a little reassurance while doing the nasty.

CARLY ANNE WROTE THIS What often surprises people is how violent leprechaun sex can turn out to be. Coupled with massive insecurities, leprechauns have an extremely short temper. now a leprechaun won’t go full-blown Chris Brown on any mate he chooses; however, one can expect plenty of spanking and requests to be choked during climax. Scratches galore. Just try not to cower in fear as the leprechaun transforms from Lucky Charms Cereal to Leprechaun Back to Da Hood as he gets closer to climaxing. Unurprisingly, a leprechaun is physically unable to ejaculate unless corned beef, potatoes, and cabbage are incorporated into the sex act. More often than not, the leprechaun will climb atop his partner and peel potato skins onto her belly or back while performing an irish jig. as strange as this may sound, it is integral to his anatomy in order to get his genitals properly functioning and aroused enough to finish, which is a vital part of the act if the female wishes to survive. Little is known as to what happens when a leprechaun is blue-balled, but what has been discovered has proven gruesome. Fear not, though, for the ejaculation is what makes all this weird worthwhile. a leprechaun’s splooge is truly one of the most magnificent wonders of our world. not only is it alcoholic, but it is in fact liquid gold that is safe to swallow. as the leprechaun pulls out (because he is a gentleman), an effervescent rainbow glow fills the entire room and consumes the partner in a seizure-like state of pleasure. one

can either bottle the alcoholic, liquid-gold jizz and sell it on eBay for a hefty proﬁt, or guzzle it down and enjoy one of the rarest delicacies of the world. Just for the love of all that is holy and green, do not let that short hairy man at the bar convince you that he is a leprechaun. nothing is at the end of that rainbow but disappointment and a dry-cleaning bill to get all that shame out of your bed sheets.

Unofficial Bingo!

Can you spot them all? If you can document your findings by taking a picture of all the costumes from above and send them in, we'll give you the prize of your dreams...first one in, wins! Bingo@theblacksheeponline.com

Nudity

Green Beer

Someone Crying

A Paddy Wagon

Drunk Old Man

Someone Asleep

Striped Socks

A Cop

A Beer bong

Greenman

Green Eggs or ham

A Fight

Leprechaun Hat

A Wipeout

Dropkick Murphys Shirt

This Sign

A Makeout

Outdoor Peeing

A Bags Game

Puke

A Drinking ticket

A Drunk asian

Marijuana paraphernalia

Indoor Sunglasses

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THE BLACK SHEEP’S FIRST ANNUAL UNOFFICIAL CRIME ALERT CONTEST DR. MIKE BENSON WROTE THIS Like all University of illinois students i love reading my crime alerts. When i wake up on Sunday morning, nothing gets my day started in the right direction quite like catching up on the criminal goings-on in the old C-U. it’s not so much that i enjoy reading about the misfortunes of others; i simply find the increasing ingenuity and creativeness of today’s criminals inspiring. The problem, though, is that crime alerts are becoming fewer and further between. Last year was the golden year for crime alerts when one could wake up and fine 7-10 top-notch crime alert emails in their inbox. This year however, crimes are only reported if they reach a certain severity. Who decides which ones cut it? i don’t know, but he’s becoming more and more selective. For this reason, i am proposing a challenge to all of you. i have thought up a few ideas for some grade-a crime alerts sure to pass inspection. if i wake up on Saturday morning and find that one or all of these crimes have occurred, then I will offer a gift to the students of the University of Illinois in the form of a round of drinks.* 1) INCIDENT: Theft. OCURED: 11:00 a.m. LOCATION: Memorial Stadium. Students dressed up as leprechauns were seen breaking into Memorial Stadium and stealing the 20+ golf carts. After riding around the field and recreating the final scene of The Little Giants, the suspects rode the carts out of the stadium and onto Kirby Avenue, where they disrupted traffic and rammed into parked cars while playing “Ride of the Valkyries” on a loud stereo. 2) INCIDENT: Theft, destruction of property, kidnapping. OCURED: 3:00 p.m. LOCATION: Green Street and 5th. Students dressed as pirates invaded and took over the Jimmy John’s restaurant on Green Street. After flipping over all of the tables and breaking the windows of the shop, much to the glee and applause of drunken customers, the pirates tied up the workers and took positions behind the counter eating and giving away free sandwiches. The workers were eventually freed when they gave the pirates information on how to re-stock the soda machine. 3) INCIDENT: Assault. OCURED: 7:00 p.m. LOCATION: Murphy's Pub. Surveillance videos show two males who, after a heated argument, climbed on top of the pool tables and began having a fight using traditional Irish fighting styles, like in Gangs of new York. After one of the males attempted to fishhook his adversary, a third

Apply online for fall 2012

man told him to stop and they all ordered a round of Irish Car Bombs and sang Flogging Molly songs. 4) INCIDENT: Public indecency. OCURED: 9:00 p.m. LOCATION: The Quad. A man, who was observed by witnesses to be seven feet tall with tribal tattoos and long black hair, was seen sprinting through the Quad completely naked. In pursuit of the man were fifteen albino gorillas, a moose covered in Christmas lights, and a pack of aggressive turkeys. No further information is known of the identity of the man, nor the origins or outcomes of the incident. 5) INCIDENT: Drugging. OCURED: 4:00 a.m. LOCATION: Greater Champaign area. Surveillance videos captured on film students with Unofficial shirts breaking into one of the city’s water facilities and pouring a substance into the water supply. The substance was later identified as LSD. This affected very few, since the majority of people who partook in Unofficial activities were passed out by then, and the ones who were still awake were on LSD in the first place. Keep in mind that these are just suggestions. if you think of something crazier or more entertaining to read, you know what to do! Just be sure to wear good running shoes. *drinks will be drunk by me.

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TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE UNOFFICIAL ‘Twas the night before Unofﬁcial and all through Champaign Not a student was drinking, not even those insane;

“Now, Miller! now, Busch! now, Keystone and Hein’ken! On, Budlight! on ‘weiser! On High Life and Pabst-ribbon!

The kegs were tapped in apartments with care In hopes that St. Patrick would soon be there;

To the top of the beer bong! To the top of the wall! Now drink away! Drink away! Drink away all!”

The students were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of keg-stands danced in their heads;

So up to the frat house-top the coursers they ﬂew, With the sleigh full of beer, and St. Pat too.

And the Chancellor in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long March nap,

Down the chimney St. Pat came without a woe. He was dressed all in green, from his head to his toe,

When out on the Quad there arose such a stir, I sprang from the bed to see if beer was hurr;

He was Irish and such, a rightful man considering the Celts, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

Away to the window I took shots in a ﬂash, Tore open the blinds and threw out the hash.

A wink of his eye and a twist of a beer cap, Soon gave me to know that I was to drink stat;

When, what to my dazed eyes should appear, But numerous cases, and 8 beer bongs lying there,

And laying his ﬁnger aside of his nose, And giving a nod up the chimney he rose;

With a jolly driver, so lively and not tat, I knew in a moment it must be St. Pat.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a round of claps, And away they all ﬂew like the beer out of taps.

More rapid than leprechauns his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, “Happy Unofﬁcial to all, and to all a good-night.”

MOVIE TRIVIA ANSWERS: 1) FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA 2) DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER 3) TIM MCGRAW AND FAITH HILL 4) 15

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