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Volume 20, Issue 9 3/14/12 - 3/28/12

The University of Illinois: Undisputed Champs of Administrative Issues

Landon Mills wrote this

As you’ve probably already heard, last week the University of Illinois' Board of Trustees officially asked President Michael Hogan to resign. The Board’s request comes following growing complaints from faculty members over the President’s leadership abilities. The concerns are partly based on harshly-worded emails sent by Hogan to Phyllis Wise, Vice President and Chancellor of the university. The request to change leadership comes only two years after a clout scandal regarding the prioritized admissions of students with close connections to former board members of the University.

ing of the president's reputation with the faculty. I for one commend this professor for her ability to refrain from giving an actual example of one of these specific concerns. Why should the faculty give any specific reasons for wanting this guy out of town, when they could just stick to broad claims of disagreeing over leadership style and autonomy? Everyone loves a well-thought out and empty statement like this. It allows people with quiet and meaningless voices to refrain from forming a statement that someone might disagree with. But I get it, I really do.

I'm going to go ahead and propose that we simply set a term limit of no more than two years for the presidency position of our university. That way, when they inevitably screw up and are forced out of office, we can avoid becoming the institutional butt of the joke that we currently are. We’ve won the award three years running! Word has it that since we’re destined to win again next year, they’re going to change the trophy into a miniature version of our Alma Mater with a wad of twentys and a sideways glock in each of her outstretched arms.

As a child, I too would sometimes throw a tantrum before I even knew what it was that I actually wanted. And besides, words like "autonomy" let everyone else know that you’re a proud owner of a thoroughly used thesaurus. Christopher Kennedy, Chairman of the Board, stated he let Hogan know that he needed, "Our people to change," or else he'd need, "Change in our people.” It's good to know that even the head of the snake is fluent in platitude.

Looking at this from the Board of Trustees' perspective, I can see why they’d be upset with Hogan's performance so far. The last president let the board’s kids pass through admissions like an old white lady through airport security. Blocking any future chance of clout scandals regarding the children of the Board of Trustees seems to be the only thing the new guy cares about. How can anyone blame them for politely asking that this guy burn himself at the stake? It’s hard for me to sit here and disagree with the faculty’s decision to publicly humiliate the institution rather than attempt to solve this problem discreetly. Stomping your feet like a child in a grocery store is much more effective and to the point. Acting like a functional, real-world human being doesn’t get you candy immediately enough. “Bad press is better than no press at all,” is a phrase that has yet to be refuted at this university, as we haven’t had any good press to fully test this theory. One professor stated that, "A public response to the faculty's specific concerns would be appropriate," concerning the aid-

Other stuff

Inside

What's so difficult about this situation is that I can’t understand where both sides are coming from. So a bitch stepped out of line and the guy used a strongly worded string of emails to put her back in her place; everyone makes mistakes. Maybe he can learn from this, and instead next time he can bitch her out through a form of communication that can’t be forwarded for everyone to see. The guy didn’t think before hitting “send.” Everyone needs to calm down and just be thankful it wasn’t a high-angled pic of his new Crocs. Like President Hogan, I too am occasionally compelled to opt out from my real world pressures and hide under my desk. Responsibility can be a total bitch some, if not most, of the time. If I had a cozy, high-perched office and people were demanding that I change my leadership style, I'd probably stick to the shadows as well. Don't people understand that a man nearing the age of 70 is against changing his underwear, let alone his approach to working? Right now, President Hogan must be absolutely baffled as to why this is all happening. He’s yet to be caught accepting bribes, giving special privileges to friends or relatives, or partaking in sexual deviancy with a coworker, student, or even a minor. He hasn't done anything! Nor has he done anything wrong!

When Hogan spoke after last week's emergency closed door meeting, he basically stated that the meeting helped him to examine his role in running the university. We should be very excited that our President finally understands what his job actually entails. Just imagine the amount of work and responsibility he’ll be able to dodge when he knows what’s coming. So the guy is unaware that he’s an asshole to his coworkers, hides under his desk, and doesn’t actually know what his job entails. Big deal. Maybe the Board of Trustees should have thought a little harder before they hired George Costanza as President of the University of Illinois. But in all seriousness, the sad truth of the matter is that it’s the students—former, current, and future—who will continue to pay for all of this immaturity and scandal. Based on recent patterns, the worth of our degrees from the University of Illinois will continue to take a considerable hit every two years. At this rate, in ten years we’ll be hoping potential employers will mistake University of Illinois for Southern Illinois. Okay, that may have been an exaggeration. Especially considering SIU will have long been labeled a toxic wasteland before things at U of I get that bad in the next twelve years. If there’s anything to be learned in all of this, it’s that it is totally possible to “right-click—synonyms” your way through the work-world, just be sure to stay within the field of education and the cornfields of Illinois.

STAY OUT OF OUR COUNTRY!

Women’s volleyball! Men’s tennis! Feel the excitement!

Kiss the Cook for the Last Time.

see page 6

see page 8

see page 9

A Letter To Spring Breakers From Local Help

U of I: A Disappointing Big Ten Athletic Experience

Bruce Away From the Grill

YOUR MARCH MADNESS

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Table of > > >

PAGE 5 >>

page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

Spring Break Hookup Problems

contents 7

Two dudes, one cup

And we’re not talking about that painful sand friction, either.

PAGE 7 >>

The Halftime Speech From page 18 >> Home Sweet Homeless the Coach of a Sixteen Seed (For Spring Break) Trust us, your parents forgot Team you existed.

Herm Edwards once said, “You play to win the game.” That doesn’t apply here, folks.

page 7 >>

Q and U File for Divorce

page 18 >> The Top Ten

page 9>>

From the Streets

page 19 >> New Philanthropic Youth

This is turning into [very much] the issue.

What’s your main goal for spring break?

Things to Have Sunburned Onto Your Body

Movement

Providing Cynics With Something New to Bitch About!

PAGE 10 >> Two Boobs Are Better Than page 20 >> We Interview: Maps and None!

Atlases

The round mounds rise from their winter hibernation.

These Chicago rockers don’t ever get lost on tour.

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cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

copy Editor Mike Benson

pr manageRs Abbie Welch & Ken Halvachs

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page four

pic of the week >>> Dear Carl,

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

d you? ak! Where can I fin town for spring bre in g yin sta be l u’l Heard yo All my love, - Not Creepy Dear Not Creepy,

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a slap in the face? some life advice, or maybe just Got a question? Concern? Need ail.com Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

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word of the week >>> Egregarious

Parade Tuna Rigid

Dryad Cod Ink

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: The act of being funny and affable to the point of awkwardness. Samantha had to break up with Julian because of his egregarious nature. The final straw was when he fondled Jessica’s breast because Jessica playfully asked him to.

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SEX

Spring Break Hookup Problems

and the Cu

Greasy Grace wrote this

Nothing makes the females friskier and the males hornier than the sweet smell of ocean air and the feeling of sand in your asscrack. Combine these dangerous factors with a little binge drinking and 5 to 10 hours of direct sunlight, and you’d be excited enough to dip into the ugliest girl's sex on the beach. Spring break is the time for sex, all day, with random people (just make sure they’re not from Texas Tech; you don’t want to come home with Raider Rash). The only problem is that people are annoying, clingy, crazy, and blacked out, so hooking up might not be as easy as you think. There are a few problems that may arise on spring break, so boys and girls, keep these in mind when you want to bone a rando in Cancun. Guys, you know that sexy blonde girl on the beach with large, blue eyes and big, jiggly knockers? You know how you took her home and taught her how to tame your sea monster? It was all fun and games until you accidentally gave her your number, and she started texting you nonstop. All day and all night she’s trying to get you to come back to her cot. Never give those psychos you get with your number; it’s rule number one! She will end up following you home after the bars at night for an entire week straight, popping into your condo to say “hi” five or forty times a day, and taking pictures of you when you’re sleeping and uploading them so that her friends know which guy she’s been sexing. Think about it – you’re both only there for the week, so she has no reputation to lose by being the complete psychopath she really is. She’ll mark her territory early on so that no other girls will want you. The only way to truly avoid this is to cover your

face with a black ski mask so that she can’t see you, thus leaving it impossible for her to identify you when you’re spittin your beach swag to the ladies, though this is impractical for buying condoms at a convenience store. If you feel too guilty not giving her a name and number, kindly provide her with the information of your top dude who’s on the trip with you. She’ll never figure out that your name is Frank and not David. Also, this is a very kind present for David, because when he gets a text from a horny girl, he may or may not have actually at one point met when he was drunk, I doubt he’ll pass up the chance to dip in. Ladies, fellas can be truly annoying on spring break as well. They will sneak out after a nice day-sex-session and raid your fridge of all hot dogs and string cheese that you have. Judging by the amount of food they steal, they must have traveled without bringing their own grub and simply planned on being thieves for the week. It’s easy, however, to steer clear from this if you bring food that only girls like on spring break, like frozen yogurt and naked almonds. You’ll also probably lose a few of those drunk-food pounds that you’ve put on this year as well. It’s a win-win. A true problem with spring break hookups is the constant presence of cameras. Be cautious when you are giving and or receiving oral sex in broad daylight on a beach chair, because chances are that Girls Gone Wild will film it and ever so nicely feature it in their spring break video. This will also lead to you finding out that your mother is a closet Girls Gone Wild fan, because she will be extremely unnerved when she sees

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you in the act of fellatio, and you will be extremely unnerved at the fact that your mother is a disgusting whore. There are hundreds of problems that could and will happen when you’re on spring break, but that doesn’t mean you should act any differently than how you want to. If anything, it’ll lead to a pretty solid tale to tell your kids one day.

A Letter to Spring Breakers from the local help John McHoneyCombs wrote this To whom it may concern: If you're reading this, then that probably means you are currently on your way to spend a week in my home country, porking other slutty students from across the nation, buying drugs by the handful, and puking on sacred national monuments. While you’ve been looking forward to this week for the entire year, I have been dreading this whole month like the rapture. March means I can’t walk on the beach without stepping on beer cans and used condoms. Every day during this month I have to clean the hotels that you turn into godless brothels come mid-March. All year long my work is easy and fair, and I get to come home to my husband and kids at a decent hour. Not this month. Every day this month I go over my will and testament before I head to work. The things I have walked in on while cleaning people’s rooms would make the Pope contemplate the existence of God. Do you know how many beers a man can funnel into his own ass before he passes out? I do, and no one should know that. Ever. I have to come home at the end of the day, soaked in beer and four bodily fluids that I don’t think they even have a name for yet. You know where I live? In a Goddamn shanty house that my husband built out of sheet metal because my whole paycheck goes toward feeding my five children. You go back to some giant house in a suburb and stress about school while my children check their lunch food for glass. I cannot say I am completely upset or that I blame the spring breakers. Long have I dreamt of one day being rich and traveling to your country to party. I could piss on the Statue of Liberty, puke off the Golden Gate Bridge, and ask your women if they would like to see my “Big Kahuna.” You think I don’t want to put my dick in every woman I see every once in a while? I party! I rock and roll! Just once I would like an American to know what it is like to clean up my vomit in the elevator, dammit! This is a plea to all you people coming to my home country over the next few weeks who plan on making it look like Afghanistan when you’re done with it. Please reconsider your actions! For a whole three months after you leave our town reeks of regurgitated booze. You’ve flushed so many condoms into our sewers that our drinking water is 5% semen. My daughter actually has an entire wardrobe made up of the lost swimsuits of spring breakers. I know my cries will fall on deaf ears, and my fellow countrymen and I will have to prepare for the coming invasion of frat boys and slutty girls. I had a friend named Alejandro who disappeared last year. He was walking down the beach when crowds of drunken college men lifted him up and began crowd surfing him away while chanting. He was never seen again. This year I shall vow to become like my fellow employees and try to rip you off at every chance. I have always done my job honestly, but now I can’t wait to steal everything that isn’t bolted down in your rooms. I will act as though I don’t speak English when you ask me directions and will point you in the direction of the ganglands. By the way, we don’t have missing person posters here. Do you realize how impossible it is to find a person who’s been sealed in an oil drum? You’ve been warned.

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the Halftime Speech from the Coach of a Sixteen Seed Team Landon Mills wrote this What the hell is the matter with us tonight? We're out there acting like it’s just a game — like we’re just having fun out there. On defense we’ve got our hands up, playing the passing lanes, and we’re not taking stupid fouls. On offense we’re staying aggressive, not settling for the outside shot, and finding the open man with great ball movement. I’ve got a real group of winners here. Does my bracket even mean anything to you people? No one ever thought we’d be in the position that we’re in now: ahead with just twenty minutes to go in a basketball game that actually means something. Listen to that. Listen to those fans out there. That entire stadium is behind you right now. Hell, all of America is behind you. Yet, just twenty minutes ago all of America was riding high on the thought that the best team in the nation was a shoo-in to get to the championship game. Every single one of those screaming, enthused college basketball fanatics only loves you because you’re the underdog. Well guess what, people. Underdog was canceled almost 40 years ago! What are we really trying to accomplish here, guys? If Butler has taught us anything in the past two years, it’s that with hard work, perseverance, and determination we can still only get second. I think we all need to ask ourselves why we’re really here. Are we here to make our school proud? Are we here to impress scouts in hopes of one day playing at the next level. No, we’re here to let down that one lady who picked us to win it all because our adorable puppy mascot is way cuter than

every racial stereotype, endangered specie, and carnivorous bird in the tournament. Also, remind me that I really need to go ask my bookie if halftime is considered past the back-out point. Sixteen seed has never been allowed to skip two consecutive weeks of class. A number sixteen has never played in the second round. A number sixteen has never, in the entire history of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, defeated a number one. You guys know that I’m all for changing things up, but this is one tradition that must live on. I’m 95% sure that the date to get a full refund on cruise ship reservations to Cabo for the next two weeks passed months ago, and a number sixteen isn’t going to mess that up for me. Alright, let’s get down to X’s and O’s. I’m going to go with a small lineup and foolishly claim that out-hustling is far more important than out-rebounding. I want everyone to start watching their own shots. Don’t use up time on the shot clock. The more threes our bigs can chuck up and brick off the board the less likely we are to drag this shit out at the free-throw line. That reminds me; if you get to the free throw line, try that eyes-closed M.J. thing. All it takes is one and you’re a YouTube star. White guards, no more layups. Go for that dunk. Did you forget that you’re on CBS? Shooting guard with the ridiculous ego, I want you to start cherry picking. Bail out early on defense if you have to while flashing some sort of hand gesture that could easily be mistaken for a gang sign.

Q and U File for Divorce Corey Guastini wrote this

Let's get out there and show these undefeated, NBAbound giants that we mean business. I mean, know business. And by that I mean we’re not about to let our head coach throw his house, wife, and his children’s college tuition out the window. Come on, get in here. Everybody, Hands in. One, two, three – cover the spread!

In sad but anticipated news, it has been reported that the letters Q and U have filed for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences.” As such, no word with a Q/U combination will ever be spoken or written again. Q and U first met at a highway rest stop in 1972. Hungry but without money for the vending machine, Q asked U for a [25 cents]. As it turned out, they both loved to eat Suzy Q’s and instantly fell in love. A week later, Q popped the big [interrogative]. Their wedding was the largest event to ever grace the letter community and was the last time all the letters were seen together at once. Well, every letter but J, whom no one had heard from since he got out of jail then capitalized on his second chance in Japan. After the wedding, Q and U moved to Canada and lived a secluded life in [an east-central Canadian province] before things took a turn. A U-turn, if you will. The letters had noticed that Q and U were NEVER seen alone together. They began to wonder if they did not enjoy each other’s company. F even speculated that Q might be, “as [homosexual] as a three dollar bill. I mean, if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and [makes duck noises] like a duck, then it probably is a duck. But don’t [speak or write a statement credited to another person] me on that.” As it turned out, Q and U were having problems; though Q was far from [homosexual]. In fact, he had been cheating on U with U’s long-time neighbor V. All the letters agreed that the cheating was worse than your standard infidelity because V looked bizarrely similar to U, just a little pointier at the bottom. If written [rapidly], especially in

cursive, the two could easily be mistaken for each other. The couple’s problems were further worsened by U’s longtime inferiority complex. For years, Scrabble had listed Q’s value at ten points while hers was only one. U’s value doubled with the release of Words with Friends, but the marginal increase wasn’t enough. She insisted that it didn’t bother her, but the elephant in the room could only get so big before its shitting and hay eating could no longer be ignored. U took to the bottle. She had had a long history of alcoholism before her union to Q, but for a time suspended it. That life of sobriety was over. Not only did U drink at all times of the day, but unfortunately, she became ab-U-sive. The other letters [often or of a recurrent manner] saw Q around town with br-U-ses. One night, Q came home to find a letter on the table. It was V motioning to him seductively. But next to V was a note written by U. It said she no longer wanted to be in the relationship, had packed her things, and taken a U-Haul to an undisclosed location. Q was unfazed. He just sat down and ate the [custard pie with savory filling thickened with eggs] he had prepared earlier. The reaction in the rest of the letter community is varied. Many letters are wondering how Q and V would ever work out. Like, would they sound like ki-VAH or what? I is particularly excited about the break. She is the only letter that Q had ever been seen alone with and likes her chances of getting a relationship going. Regardless, it is safe to say English lost a great aspect of its language. Never again will its [caliber] be so high.

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U of I: A Disappointing Big Ten Athletic Experience Cleves wrote this

When you’re a senior in high school deciding where you want to go to college, there are only three things that you actually consider: party life, girl-to-guy ratio, and athletic atmosphere. If you looked into academics, majors available, or any other educational crap, then you’re either kidding your parents or yourself. When you chose to be a student at the University of Illinois, you expected to experience four years of nailbiting games, championship-caliber teams, partying for weeks straight in celebration of beating the undefeated team, and making fun of all your stupid friends who went to irrelevant schools. I mean you chose a Big Ten school for a reason. We’re supposed to have awesome sports! It’s part of the culture! It’s part of the reason why we wake up at 6a.m. to start drinking before the football games so that we can be much more obnoxious when screaming at fans from the opposing team! But no. What did we get? Shit. We got pure shit. Especially if you’re a senior. If you’re a freshman or a sophomore, you still have a glimmer of hope that one of our teams will make it to a championship. However, us seniors might as well stop thinking to ourselves, “Well, maaayybeee,” because our basketball team has been a bigger disappointment than the first time you had sex. Really? Not even the NIT, guys? Alright, maybe we didn’t get pure shit. I guess you can call it something like “diluted” shit. Or I guess you can call it one big tease of a college career. Every year everyone predicts that we’ll have a great season. Sometimes we do start off with a great season. Remember when our football team started off 6-0? And then remember when we lost 6 in a row? Yep, everything just came crashing down, and it was like watching a peewee league. Now Ron Zook is sitting in his basement crying into a pillow and reading the amazing interviews

he did with us. I don’t know which is worse, our football team or our basketball team. We always start off with a savvy team with great chemistry. The entire Orange Krush creams their respective pants, and then halfway through the season our student body decides to invade the Nebraska campus with the intention of wreaking havoc after a big Illini win. But what happens? We end up losing 100 to 2. I can only imagine how awkward that bus ride home was. Twelve hours of just...crying. Now, I know there’s more to Big Ten athletics than just football and basketball. Yes, I remember when the women’s volleyball team went to the National Championships, volleyball girls reading this right now. Next year, I promise we’ll pay attention to you and show you the respect you deserve. And yes, I remember when the uh, baseball team, uh… beat that one team or whatever. But let’s be honest. As Big Ten students, we’re looking for the big crowds, the big games, and the big bragging rights. That all usually comes with the big college sports, like football and basketball. Yet, U of I has done nothing but knock our spirits down. I’m graduating in just about two months, and I’m leaving with no bragging rights. Yeah sure, I maybe have received a decent education with a great college experience and loads of new friends, but I didn’t get to see any championships. I don’t get to be that old ass alum that won’t shut up about, “That one time, in 2010, when I had sex with four basketball players after we won the National Championship! At least I think they were basketball players...” Looks like we’ll just have to hope that we’ll have some good teams within the next couple of years so that we can come back and pretend like we’re undergrads to relive what we hoped would be our college glory.

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Bruce Away From the Grill: Kiss the Cook for the Last Time Byrnes wrote this

Last Friday, March 9, Bruce Weber was let go as head coach of the Men's Fighting Illini basketball team. After nine hard seasons, it turns out an overall record of 17-15 just does not cook the bacon when it comes to allowing the Illini to standout as a competitive Big Ten team. A bit unfortunate and morally krushing, the loss of Weber will prove to be a hard time for the many supporters that surrounded him… and a normal time for everyone else.

It’s not that Weber is a bad coach or person or lover. Quite the contrary, we hear the man excels in all of those categories. The unfortunate truth is that under his coaching and leadership, the team did not perform well this season, or in '08. Even in years not considered failures, the results were middling minus Dee and Deron. Many smaller issues live within the whole situation, like his tradition of weak recruiting. Weber's star recruits haven’t turned into star players, and then there’s Jereme Richmond, the King of the Dumbasses.

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What is your main goal for spring break?

"Start a wet t-shirt contest." - Kyle S., Sophomore

the wrong time. To end his address, Weber announced to the press that he would be moving on in life, starting at Jarling's Custard Cup. Let's all just hope he keeps moving after that. It would be tragic if he ends up still eating custard on his couch five years later, morbidly obese and cursing Mike Thomas. We can trust that Bruce will move on, being a man with strong character and $3.9 million left on a three year contract. The same might not be said for Mike Thomas, the person who had to tell Weber his time was up. With such a calming, friendly voice and squinty puppy dog eyes, even Donald Trump would have to spend at least a night under the whiskey bottle before he delivered those two heated words, “You're fired.”

"since the result of the latest season though, the members of the athletic board were about as impressed as condescending willy wonka."

After his public statement on Friday, it was obvious that the Weber family, his coaching staff and team were taking the news pretty hard. Many sad faces surrounded the press room, with the exception of the senile janitor who’s always laughing a mopping in the wrong place at

From 'da Streets

"Not wake up in the bathtub this year." - Matt M., Junior

Weber started out stronger than Popeye's rope tug here at UIUC, claiming the Big Ten Championship his first two years in the C/U. And, well, everyone remembers 2005. Not only did Weber and his A-list cast take the Big Ten Tournament title, but they became NCAA Championship runners up, and set a school record acquiring 37 wins over the course of the season. Remember that game against Arizona in the Elite Eight? I proudly submit it as the only basketball game to ever make me excrete wastes from all of the orifices simultaneously. Since the result of the latest season though, the members of the athletic board were about as impressed as Condescending Willy Wonka. While many expect the Fighting Illini to consistently place in the top two in the Big Ten standings, with an annual appearance in the national tournament (maybe even win a few games), the team's final Big Ten record of 6-12, placing them tied for ninth, was which was deemed unacceptable. It’s not the first time the team has come up short under Weber's watch, in 2007-08 the Illini sported a final Big Ten record of 5-13. That year they also ranked ninth in the conference.

The future of Illinois basketball is unclear in terms of who will be taking Weber's spot, and it’s still undecided what kind of chicken will be served at the team banquet. Illinois' athletic department has said the search for a new coach will be thorough and nation-wide, so hopefully they find what they are looking for and avoid the search strategies of other long-time unfulfilled entities like the Cubs or Bono. We also wish the best to Bruce Weber, himself as he ventures on into the world, a drifter, a nomad, like Mad Max, existing only in our memories.

"Make it to Florida and back in one piece - with some of my dignity left." - Cory W., Junior

www.theblacksheeponline.com

two boobs are better than none! Colin wrote this It's been a long haul gentlemen. Trust me; there were times when I didn't think you'd make it. Hell, there were times when I didn't think I'd make it. I just lacked the strength to get up at noon. But, take solace, comrade- the time to rejoice is at hand. The siege is over, finally. The boobs have returned to campus. Spring has returned. All winter long we have trudged our way through midterms, mandatory attendance, and TA tedium, our last reserves of strength and determination vanishing faster than that pack of cigarettes you bought at 1a.m. last night. Without seeing, if not hoping to see, some melons, hooters, tas, or pleasurejugs in the near future, our energy reserves were nighdepleted. The winter has been a grueling series of trials and hardships, substances and sleep-deprivation. Complete disregard for personal health (what's a sleep schedule?) doesn't help, and neither does the fact that the last time you went to the gym was to use the hot-tub to soak off a hangover. Additionally, the last time you ingested anything green was through a glass pipe, the last time you went to see a medical professional was to pick up condoms, and the first time you went to class this semester they were reviewing the results of a midterm you missed, and you have yourself one helluva Molotov cocktail for mental, if not physical, derangement. All of these, coupled with the weather and lack of anything to look forward to in the calendar year, render the average UIUC student to a state similar to a zombie’s. Without the constant revitalization that comes with seeing these milk sacs in all their push-up-bra glory, barely hidden under a 2-sizes too small blouse, we're running on vapors,

and falling apart fast. It happens every year, this boob hibernation, and every year it seems we're not going to make it through. Where do these pillows from God, these motorboat harbors go? Do they fly south with the geese and elderly every winter? My guess is more akin to that of a frog hibernating in the mud on the bottom of a pond, with all boobs, juggernauts and mosquito bites alike, burrowing under layers of cotton and wool to preserve their strength for brighter pastures and stronger gropings. It may not seem like much, comrades, this cleavage, but I propose it is our lifeblood. Cleavage, that simple yet stunning feature of the female species, enough to forgive any personality defect or marred face. Cleavage, the one saving grace of the obese. Cleavage, it just looks like you should put your dick in there. Cleavage, the reason to listen to women talk. It leaves us, without warning or replacement, not for a week, or a month, these would be manageable. Instead, it vanishes for half the year faster than inhibitions on Bomb Night. We’ve all experienced the irritableness, the pain, and above all else, the boredom, that life these past months has been without breasts, but I’m here to tell you, my comrades, that our trial is over, our battle won. Everyday, all over campus you’ll see them sprouting like daisies. What was first a trickle is now a torrent, dozens - even hundreds - of them appear before your very eyes. Suddenly, the walk to class can be endurable, almost... enjoyable? Suddenly, you find yourself strangely drawn to the “person-

ality” of that one girl who sits by you in class. Suddenly, you have something to stare at while waiting for a drink at Joe’s. The emergence of the breasts after a long winter of hibernation is certainly something that all can enjoy. Sure, there are places where they have returned in greater numbers (several sorority houses and bars come to mind) yet one will surely see them now wherever he goes. Gone are man’s age old enemies; the hoodies, the sweaters, the jackets, and the coats. Instead, we see blouses, t-shirts, button-ups, push-up bras and low cut shirts. So rest easy, Chambana, our campus is whole again, its beauty restored. But remember, when you find yourself taking for granted these voluptuous twins from God... Winter is coming.

SEND IN YOUR SPRING BREAK PICS! THE BEST ONE (OR WELL, MAYBE THREE) WILL WIN SOME SWEET SWAG.

now hiring! JOBS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WRITERS, aD SALES, GROUPIES

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 THIS WEEKEND: St. Patrick's Weekend! $2.50 Green Beer Pints (while it lasts) $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $6 Green Beer Pitchers

EVERY TUESDAY: THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Come and hear our new Piano Man BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

THURSDAY: Captain Morgan Black Launch Party! Try the Brand New Captain Black!! WPGU Broadcasting Live Prizes-Giveaways & more! $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!!

Tractor Kings Live at Midnight! With Special Guests Ol' No. 7 (10PM) and Capt. Captain (11PM)

RACHEL PLATTEN with BESS ROGERS (Early Show!) 312 VIBE NIGHT (Late Show!) featuring great live bands and DJs! $3 20oz Mug Refills, $1 PBR Drafts & Busch Light Cans!

$2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 3/15

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

** CLOSED **

Captain Morgan Black Launch Party! Try the Brand New Captain Black!! WPGU Broadcasting Live Prizes-Giveaways & more! $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!!

Book Your Spring Events Here!

FRI 3/16

St. Patrick's Weekend! $2.50 Green Beer Pints (while it lasts) $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $6 Green Beer Pitchers

HEARTSFIELD with TODD BERRY

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 Burgers, $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Jameson & Absolut $3 Jager Bombs

Tractor Kings Live at Midnight! With Special Guests Ol' No. 7 (10PM) and Capt. Captain (11PM)

SAT 3/17

St. Patrick's Weekend! $2.50 Green Beer Pints (while it lasts) $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $6 Green Beer Pitchers

AS A HEART ATTACK, BY ANY MEANS, ABSCONDER, REDNECK REMEDY and DISASTERCASE

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

Timmy D & Blind Justice Live at 10PM With Special Guests Lou DiBello

** CLOSED **

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

Book Your Events Here!

SPECIAL NIGHT WED 3/14

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

SUN 3/25

Closed

MON 3/26

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

** CLOSED **

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

TUES 3/27

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Come and hear our new Piano Man: BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

WED 3/28

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

VERY SPECIAL YET TO BE ANNOUNCED CONCERT CHECK CanopyClub.com FOR DETAILS!

When You Live Here, Who Needs to Take Breaks?

We’re Pet Friendly!

With our amazing views, crazy huge apartments and, oh yeah, the ability to buy beer downstairs, why would you leave when you’d never have to?

ONLY A FEW STUDIOS AND ONE-BEDROOMS LEFT! OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street THURSDAY: ST. PATRICKS DAY - Open @ 11 We are celebrating 2 Days Early GREEN BEER - $2 JAMESON BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! Serving Firehaus Corned Beef & Cabbage

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

NCAA Round 1: 6pm Play Minute to Win It WIN HAWKS TICKETS to the Bud Light Lounge! Bud Mug Night

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney Spinning the Best $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

$3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

March Madness ALL Day! $7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

March Madness ALL Day!

St. Patrick's Day Watch Round 3 of the Tourney All Day Long!!

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

DJ and Dancing All Night!

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs March Madness ALL Day!

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Back from Break? Come Celebrate with $4 Cups of Shots

$1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Cursive Live at 9PM 80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 11PM $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

$2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells & Captain Morgan $5 Bud Lt. Pitchers

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Closed for Private Party

8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

WED 3/28

SAT 3/17

$6 Late Night Food Specials

It's Beer Garden Season! Come Party in the Best Beer Garden on Campus!

SUN 3/25

NCAA Tourney 3pm Norfolk St. vs Missouri 6pm Ohio vs Michigan 6pm Purdue vs St. Mary's 9pm Michigan St. vs LIU $5 Bud Light 40's $3 JAGER BOMBS

35 E. Green Street

FRIDAY: DJ Delayney Spinning the Best $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

MON 3/26

ST. PATRICKS DAY - Open @ 11 We are celebrating 2 Days Early GREEN BEER - $2 JAMESON BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! Watch all the Tourney Here! Serving Firehaus Corned Beef & Cabbage

THURSDAY MONDAY: $4 Pitchers Miller Lite $3 Jameson or Bud Light $2 Coors Light Night $2Special Domestic Bottles and Miller Light Draft Happy Hour $1and off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) 6-8 every(After day. $3 Imports Specialty 1/2 Offfrom Apps 5pm) Free pool during hour!!! Beers | $3happy Doctors $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

TUES 3/27

THURS 3/15

$2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

FRI 3/16

WED 3/14

SPECIAL NIGHT

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Play Minute to Win It WIN HAWKS TICKETS to the Bud Light Lounge! Bud Mug Night

$2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN OPEN SUNDAY NIGHT for a HUGE WELCOME BACK EVENT Keep up with us on Twitter @RedLionUofI for details!

SAT: ST PATTY'S DAY! $3 U Call It! $3 Jameson, $3 Guinness, $3 Smithwicks $5 Car Bombs, $2 Shots of Doctors & No Cover!

SPECIAL NIGHT

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 3/14

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kams + March Madness w/ DJ Jay! Shoot to Win Prizes $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

THURS 3/15

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

March Madness! Shoot to Win Prizes $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

FRI 3/16

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

St Patrick's Day & NCAA Basketball Tourney! $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs $3 Any Bacardi Bomb $3 Bud Light Bottles

ST PATTY'S DAY! $3 U Call It! $3 Jameson, $3 Guinness, $3 Smithwicks $5 Car Bombs, $2 Shots of Doctors & No Cover!

SAT 3/17

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

Back from Break? Come Party w/ $1 Bottles, $1 Drafts, $1 Wells

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

OPEN SUNDAY NIGHT for a HUGE WELCOME BACK EVENT Keep up with us on Twitter @RedLionUofI for details!

Closed

SUN 3/25

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS MONDAY $1 Fatty Bottles $1 Wells, $2 Energy $3 Pitchers!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 3/26

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Dbl Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts “Drink in Yur Mason Jar”

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bacardi Girls T-shirts, Hats & More $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bud Spring Break Launch Party Free Swag All Night!

$1.50 Bud Famiy Bottles, $5 Pitchers, $2.50 Bacardi Drinks, $3.50 Blue Guys

MONDAY:

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts

WED 3/28

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

TUES 3/27

SUN: Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

Your Home for the NCAA Tourney! Shoot to Win Prizes $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

Spring Broke?

COME FIND OUT WHY THE VILLAGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE IN CHAMPAIGN/URBANA! • HUGE 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

Apartments starting at $415/bedroom!

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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Week

of the

Chris Coon Kam’s

Major: Communication Relationship Status: Single When you looked in the mirror first thing this morning, what was the first thing you thought: Who’s that girl behind me? What’s the worst sex position you’ve ever tried: It involved a 9 iron, ice cubes, a stuffed buffalo... that’s all the detail I want to go into. If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be: Male prostitution. If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why: The interviewer, she’s hot. What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had happen to you on the job: A manager’s sister came in with my shorts from the night before. Last time you touched yourself: 3 minutes before this interview. Best night to bartend: Saturday night, with the dream team. Favorite drink to drink: Triple Four Rebels on the rocks with a lemon wedge. When did you stop bathing with your siblings: Wait, people don’t do that anymore? What does your mother wear to bed: A smile, my pops treats her right. What is the craziest thing you’ve seen on spring break: A wet t-shirt contest immediately followed by Jell-O wrestling… best day of my life.

drinking game:

By Perl

throw the bag

So you think you’re the cool kid at a party because you entered with a bag of Franzia yelling, “Who wants to slap the bag?” Not anymore. This game’s much cooler and much more fun, because while you are getting shitfaced on wine, it also provides an opportunity to hurt and/or injure your friends in the process. What You’ll Need: Franzia box o’ wine, drinking buddies. Level of Intoxication: You vill be speaking in zee French accent and luking super chic, non? How to Play: - Take the Franzia bag and throw it at someone. - If they catch the bag, they get to choose someone to drink for 5 seconds. - If they drop/miss the bag, they have to drink for 5 seconds. - Fake passing is allowed. Shit, it’s encouraged! If you fake a pass and someone grabs for it that you didn’t throw it to, the dumbass that went for it when he wasn’t supposed to must drink, too. The Game Ends When: Your Franzia runs out. But don’t be cheap, they’re like $10, go get another one and start the game over!

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com

John Clybourne

Major: Religious Studies Relationship Status: Open for interpretation. Shotgun, Kegstand, Bong, or Straight Chug: All of ‘em in a row. If you could create a holiday, what would it be: National celebration of April 20th. Favorite drinking game: Flip Cup Best song to give/receive a lap dance to: Push It – Salt N’ Peppa Where did you lose your virginity: Tailgate of my dad’s truck. If you were a worm, how long would you be: Wait a sec, I have to measure my leg. Are you going anywhere for Spring Break: PCB Baby! What’s the longest word you can spell: Clitoris Have you named any of your body parts: "The Cannon” Who’s ass would win in a fight Nikki Minaj or Jennifer Lopez? J-Lo because it’s real, Nikki’s might deflate if you hit it too hard. What is one talent most people don’t know that you have: Super intellect. Porn name: Barkley Charles

recipe for disaster:

By Perl

beer and bacon mancakes This gorgeous weather is just a tease, friends. It’s going to get cold out at least once more. And men, we know you’ll have to find ways to prove your manliness once the cold scares your little solider back into his trench. But fret no more. With this hearty breakfast that cover a man’s main three food groups—beer, bacon and pancakes—no one will ever question your manhood. What You’ll Need: Bacon, brown sugar, Bisquick pancake mix, and beer. Lots and lots of beer. Cook Time: You can finish it within one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Fatty Factor: You may or may not clog an artery or two, but it’ll be well worth the diabetes. Let’s sKILLIT: - Heat oven to 350° and crisp up your bacon. - Sprinkle brown sugar on both sides of bacon and cook until golden brown. - Mix Bisquick, eggs and beer in a bowl until it’s silky smooth. Then add more beer (so what if it’s the morning, nobody’s even awake to judge you). - Crumble your crisp bacon into the mix. - Cook those pannies in your skillet. - Eat up! You’ll immediately throw out cereal, oatmeal, and any other breakfast food that doesn’t give you a full stomach and a morning buzz. You’re welcome.

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

booze review: Red Stag by Jim Beam: Honey Tea AOverview: This week we decided to move on back to our drinking roots: whiskey. We’ve always been whiskey lovers at heart, but lately we’ve strayed from our first true love. Well, this flavored bourbon seemed good enough for us. History: After his mild success in the family feature Bee Movie, Mr. Seinfeld decided to take a few notes from the plot of the movie and partner up with an existing and successful company to create a new blend of his favorite alcohol. Lucky for him bees cannot actually receive legal representation, so he got off scotfree with this little scandal.

The mixer Center Coke: A+ Cherry Coke: C-

User Comments: “If someone’s allergic to bees, are they then allergic to honey?” “Buzz, Buzz, Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!” “Has anyone seen my fancy pants?” “Blah, blah, blah, British accent because of tea and whatnot.” Typical Drinkers: The cast of Seinfeld (except for Wayne Knight), Christopher Robin after he grew up and decided the 100 Acre Woods might liven up a bit with a little alcohol, Buzz Aldrin, old women who enjoy honey in their tea and alcohol in their bloodstream, Tim Allen, all bank tellers who like to get loose after work and let their hair down, and of course, miss Hannah Johnson. Conclusion: We would’ve given this whiskey a “B” if it weren’t so damn good. It’s a real smooth blend, delicious. Give it a try this weekend when you’re out celebrating St. Patrick’s Day!

With Actual Honey: B+ because it’s delicious! With Jerry Seinfeld: C? What’s up with thaaat?

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Home Sweet Homeless for Spring Break Kitty Kat wrote this

Nothing is better than coming back from vacation with tan lines, and everyone being all, “Somebody definitely got some sun!” or, “Those tan lines from your bikini make me want to strip you naked and look at them while I’m banging you from behind.” Now just imagine the type of compliments you would get if you do something creative over spring break. And no, I am not talking about that little heart “tanning tattoo” on your hipbone. I’m talking about placing weird stickers all over your body while lying out in the sun to create bizarre sunburns.

This is the first time I’ve been home this semester since winter break ended back in January. I’m not one of those homesick types, so I call my parents every now and then, and we kind of just live our own lives, which isn’t as bad as it sounds. I’m not a fan of those awkward afternoon calls from mom while I’m sprawled on the couch during an intense round of day drinking. Really kills the vibe. My friend dropped me off in my driveway. While heading towards the front door, I stopped suddenly upon hearing loud, thumping metal music blaring from the inside. I cautiously approached the door and rang the bell. After a few minutes of knocking and ringing, I decided to try out the garage door instead. What the hell? They changed the code? Back to banging on the front door. This is getting ridiculous now. And what’s with this music? It sounds like Ozzy Osbourne having an orgasm in there.

10) "PENIS PENIS PENIS": While this would be a pretty funny sight to see, it would be better to have sunburned on your dumbass friend’s back, not your own. 9) Mustache: This is perfect if you are incapable of growing one for yourself. For those who already have hair gracing their face, sunburn a mustache onto your lower stomach – everyone will want to see what’s below that ‘stache.

I decided to call the house phone. After a few rings, someone picked up, screeching over the music.

8) Curse Words: A string of curse words strategically placed all over your body would simply be badass and instantly make it look like you just got back from the most relaxing prison stint ever.

“Who is this?” “Dad? It’s Kate. Can you come let me in?” Within a few seconds, I heard the door unlocking, and it slowly opened. There, in front of me, was the furthest thing from my father: a large, heavyset man with a long braided beard, shiny cue ball head, more facial piercings than those obscure Amazon tribes, and tattoos covering every inch of visible skin. He looked at me and snarled, “Who the hell are you?” I answered quietly, “I live here…” “This ain’t your damn house. My wife and I bought it over a month ago.” “Well, if this isn’t my house, then where is it? Where is my family?” “They said they were moving somewhere across town. Some snooty neighborhood.” He spat on to the carpet. “I think I wrote the address down. Want a lift?” I should have said no. I mean, this guy had “sumo wrestler rapist” literally tattooed on him, but I had no other options. After the most uncomfortable fifteen-minute car ride filled with blaring devil music and what I’m pretty sure were lines of cocaine, we pulled into another driveway. However, it was not one of the small suburban ranch houses I was used to. We were parked in front of an outstanding four-story mansion with fountains in the yard. I quickly jumped out of the van, knowing that whatever I found in this house would be a million times better than what I was dealing with in Tiny’s neo-Nazi car. Once again I went to the door and rang the doorbell, hearing it echo loudly inside. I heard footsteps coming to the door and I was soon greeted by a woman with huge tits, radiant blonde hair, and a face that made her look like she was stuck in a wind tunnel. She gasped, “You must be Kate! I’ve heard so much about you!” She ushered me inside and yelled out, “Charlie baby, our daughter’s home!” I saw my dad at the top of a gigantic spiral staircase with the biggest grin on his face. “Hey Kate!” He quickly ran down the stairs and planted a large kiss on my forehead.

Things to Have Sunburned Onto Your Body

“Dad, please explain to me what the hell is going on. I went to our house and there was this Juggalo man there, and he drove me here and… Wait, who was that woman who answered the door?” “We have so much to catch up on! This is Barbie; I met her at a work convention out in Vegas. Isn’t she stunning?” “Yeah, whatever. But where’s mom?” “Probably somewhere off the coast of Tahiti right now. We got divorced back in February and ever since she’s been out traveling. But don’t worry about her, come check out the house!” “Fuck the house, dad! This is messed up! What about my brother?” Dad quickly lost his smile and his head dropped. “You didn’t hear? Tim didn’t survive the accident.” “Accident?! What accident?” “The whole thing with the semi truck and the bicycle … you really didn’t hear? Huh, what a shame. Such a sweet boy.” He perked up again. “Say, kid, Barbie makes the best frozen pizzas! You hungry?” “What the actual fuck, dad? Well what about Rex? He’s usually jumping all over me the second I walk in. Tell me he’s not dead too?” “Oh absolutely not, sweetie. We had him cryogenically frozen. He got this horrible tumor the size of a bowling ball on his back, and Barbie suggested we deal with it later, so we just figured, "why not in a decade or so?" By then science will be sure to have dog cancer completely figured out.” After discovering they had forgone giving me a bedroom in the new mansion for a decked out sex room, I decided to peace out. The early LEX ride back to campus was even shittier than it normally is.

7) Your Own Name: This is the kind of thing you do to show that you are the only thing that matters in your life. It’s pretty much a tool stamp to wear under your Tapout shirt and alert trashy girls that you looking for a good time. Bonus points for the ladies who get it on their lower back, so the guy nailing them for the week of spring break can remember what to call them. 6) The Nike Logo and/or “Just Do It.”: This is a classier version of a tramp stamp for the ladies. Place the logo or saying right above your ass crack and let guys know where your intentions are for this spring break. 5) Vagina: No one ever thinks to print a vagina on their body, but it would be such a great conversation starter. The reason no one ever thinks to do this is it’s impractical to draw. But look at you, Captain Creative, you’ll surely find a way. 4) Cheesy Quotes: This is perfect for those girls who love dumb life quote tattoos but are too scared of the consequences that mommy and daddy will lay out for them when they find out. Now you can have that dumb “Life is love, and love is life, which makes life worth having love in my life” quote on your back without losing your financial support. 3) Abs: You tried to be in shape for spring break, but let’s be honest; you failed. To hide the FUPA you have going on you should try and sunburn definition lines on your stomach. Now you will come back from spring break with a tan and a sick body. 2) Potential Hookup’s Name: Just imagine coming back from spring break and you tell a girl, “I tattooed your beautiful name onto my arm.” She would be all up on you like beach sand in your ass. The best part is that there is no commitment and you can fade that bitch out with your tan once you get home. 1) Everything: That’s right – the best thing to have sunburned on your body is literally everything, and by everything I mean your whole pale body. Go outside and tan in the nude.

Hannah Johnson wrote this

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New Philanthropic Youth Movement Provides Cynics with Something New to Bitch About Mike, Ben’s Son wrote this If you haven’t seen the “Kony 2012” video yet, you don’t have a Facebook account, making your life exponentially more enriching than mine. Although it sounds like some kind of half-baked presidential campaign, Kony 2012 is actually a youth movement aimed at raising awareness of African warlord Joseph Kony, with the ultimate goal being his arrest and delivery to justice. While Kony 2012 has been successful so far in getting kids interested in the political system and civil rights issues, its true success has been providing cynical douche bags with something new to criticize. If you’ve seen the thirty minute video explaining the importance of bringing down Joseph Kony, then you’ve probably also seen the memes that explain why that video is pointless and stupid. The memes are really what is important in this whole thing. Sure, it’s good that Kony 2012 is trying to depose a mass murderer and child abductor, but when history is written, it will be the power of assholes on the internet to find fault with a non-profit, peacekeeping campaign which will prove the most significance. “Yeah, you know, I think what they guys over at Kony 2012 are doing is great, I really do. Also, I think that it’s good that this campaign is getting young people involved in world issues. I just need the self-validation of putting down those who are trying to help others. Let me explain. You see, I was the originator and writer of the, “So you watched an online video, you must be an activist,” Wonka meme. I made sure to get it out the moment that all of those losers on Facebook began getting inspired and hopeful that they can change the world for the better. What nerves!” These words were spoken by Jack F., a junior here at the University of Illinois who has made a reputation around campus for his cold, humorless demeanor and utter distrust of any friends or authority figures. Though Jack and his anti-Kony memes are infamous on Facebook and around campus, The Black Sheep wanted to talk to the cream of the crop of cynical online d-bags. Although it took us a while to track him down, The Black Sheep managed to locate “El Chupacabra,” an infamous internet celebrity who gained notoriety through drawing attention off of Occupy Wall Street, and has now played a key role in the destruction of Kony 2012’s potential. We sat down with El Chupacabra for an exclusive interview.

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The Black Sheep: Hello, El. How are you? El Chupacabra: Cut the crap, Benson. I can see through your bullshit. TBS: B...Bullshit? EC: Yeah, you guys say that you are providing free entertainment for U of I students, but I know that you are just writing to get rich and abandon your fans. TBS: Well, you’re absolutely right there. Let’s focus on Kony 2012, though. EC: Oh, Lord. Where do I even start? First off, Kony has not been a threat to Uganda since the nineties. Secondly, the organization Invisible Children has been using donation money to pay their own salaries. TBS: This might be true, but why are you and all of those other internet trolls trying so hard just to crush an organization aimed at helping children? Yeah, maybe Kony hasn’t been a threat since the nineties, but isn’t it good that people are trying to bring him to justice? Also, even if Invisible Children has some self-serving tendencies, don’t you think it’s good that they are inspiring young people to help others. In short, why you so mad? EC: I’m very lonely. TBS: It will be okay. It will all be okay.

the media stereotypes you meet

on spring break! the the chelsea handler ted mosby He’s been your best friend since Jeremy Daniel gave you simultaneous wedgies in the fifth grade. You dormed together freshman year, but when you rushed he decided to chat with his three-statesaway girlfriend over Skype. It wasn’t until his junior year that he discovered she was cheating on him. Though you rarely talk these days, you decided to invite him on spring break. Now you’re in the club dancing with hawt womenz as he shoots you “please come end my boredom” daggers from across the room. You let your slamdunk slam piece go and mosey his way. “Dude, there’s hundreds of sluts here for you to bone,” you mutter. “I don’t want to talk to any of them,” he downtroddenly claims. You give him a half dozen “How ‘bout her?” options, but it’s always, “Too fat,” “Too skinny,” “Weird freckle,” “Missing a leg.” You’re regretting that invite, as you hate him almost as much as he hates himself.

Before leaving for spring break, she excitedly shows you a shirt she bought for the vacation. You frown as she unfurls it, so she feels the need to explain, “It says ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’! Get it?! Plus, it’s white, which will be absolutely perfect for a wet t-shirt contest.” Yes, she’s an attention whore, but that doesn’t take away from her more normal whoreish qualities. As you roll into Panama City Beach, she demands the group stops at Wal-Mart before checking into the hotel, because she wants to do a vodka shot minutes after the gang gets into the room. Over break she’ll claim to invent the “tan nap,” which is really just an excuse for her to pass out next to the pool. This is fine, she needs all the rest she can get, what with the stop-start self-esteem sex she has with a different, flaccid, barely-conscious dude in your bathroom each night.

the annie walker She sidles up next to you at the bar and within minutes you’re smitten. She’s cute, and she’s sucking back shots faster than the bartender can pour them. The two of you trade adorably awkward glances because, hey, you’re both the shy type. Finally serendipity strikes when you both turn to each other and say, “Hi, I’m--,” bursting out in laughter an instant later. The glimmer in her eye and the stirring in your swim trunks both indicate things are going well until she says something goofy. Shit hits the fan. The conversation’s momentum dies, and the glimmer in her eye turns into a glassy shell that does little more than hold in orbs that are just waiting to bulge out of her head. She’s stumbling over her words, stumbling to the bathroom and she tumbles to the ground just as she covers it in a thin puddle of puke. Feel free to give yourself a mental high-five, acting like an ass is what those low self-esteem hotties do.

It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a fictional character on spring break, unless you have some really, really good ‘shrooms. Still, you’ll certainly meet someone that’ll remind you of that one guy you saw in a movie that one time. Like these folks! By: Brendan

the van wilder You’ll spot the Van Wilder from a few dozen yards away. His hot, oiled body glistening in the sun, his perfectlycoiffed hair reaching for the sky as though even his keratin is surrendering to his sparkling blue eyes just a few inches south. Guy or girl, your knees quiver in anticipation as you pray he talks to you. He asks, “Hey, need a beer?” as you rush to tumble a sloppy “Yes!” out of your mouth. He murmurs, “Alright man, give me twenty bucks and I’ll be back with a case in a few.” What? You begin to catch on. Those flip-flops look like they cost several hundred dollars, and his board shorts look to be a brand you can barely pronounce. This guy’s gotta be north of thirty. What kind of grown-up douchebag still celebrates spring break?

the taco macarthur the Leslie Knope You open your eyes, roll over and look at the bedside clock. It’s 10:15 a.m. Four hours of sleep? Jesus. You will yourself out of bed, because there’s only two days of break left and much tanning left to do. You angrily stumble into the bathroom only to realize she did it again. Taped to your mirror is the day’s itinerary: 10:30 a.m. mani-pedi followed by a 11:15a.m.-1:30p.m. spa session? Doesn’t she know that you just want to eat a stale bagel from the continental breakfast, slam a beer and hit the beach? She’s everything you love in a person: Organized, driven, adventurous and loyal, but she can’t get the notion that you just want to sit around drinking beer on the beach through her very pretty skull. You hear her rustling around in the living room, so you decide to hide in the closet until it’s 10:35. You’d chip your manicure cracking open beers anyway.

You’re barely out of the state before you have to scream at him for casually lighting up a spliff in your back seat without asking. He barely utters a word during the entire 18-hour journey, tossing in a “Yeah, cool, whatever,” when you periodically ask him if he’s still alive. You exit your condo’s bathroom only to discover a text message claiming he’s gone down to the beach to smoke an apple bong with some girl he met in the elevator. Every night you stumble home from the club frustrated that you’re still not getting laid, and every night you walk into the room and he’s there with a half dozen girls he met on the beach. The rational part of you wants to hate him for succeeding with minimal effort when you fail while trying so very, very hard. Your penis loves him though, because hey, tits.

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Maps & Atlases

Our compasses pointed due north when we were lucky enough to score an interview with loveable rockers Maps & Atlases. Guitarist Erin talks to us about keyboards, soy products and his pet Pegasus. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Beware and Be Grateful, is set to be released on April 17th. Can you talk about your progression as a band, from your EPs to Perch Patchwork to this album? How is this the next step in your sonic evolution? Erin Elders: I think it’s a continuation of things we were exploring on Perch Patchwork. On that album we really started with texture, whereas our earlier EPs were more stripped down with a lot of guitar. Here we moved on past the Perch Patchwork orchestration, but we found new ways to layer sound with crazy guitars and whatnot. I think the writing style is a steady evolution from our previous album. TBS: How does the writing process work for you guys? Erin: Every record has been different, but I think that’s what most bands hope to do, where you let the process and story behind the record be its own thing. It’s good to break out of your own habits and artistic patterns. For this record there was these group of songs [lead singer] Dave had been working on during his tour and when we had a little off time. It happened in a really stripped down way. We figured out which songs worked as an album, fleshed them out and worked it out over multiple sessions. We’d then throw as many ideas down as we could, then see what worked and what doesn’t. TBS: Considering the length of time it takes to put a record out, how much of what you work on actually ends up on a record? Erin: It’s really interesting. When you think about how much time writing, recording and playing music and you contrast it with the amount of time you actually produce the sounds that end up on the record,

cd review

out now

The Ting Tings Sounds of nowheresville Tings Ting latest sounds are from decent-ville.

The Ting Tings are an English duo consisting of one dude, Jules de Martino, and one chick, Katie White. You probably know them from their insatiable hit songs “Shut Up and Let Me Go” and “That’s Not My Name.” And like all stupidly popular songs, I don’t trust it. So, upon writing this review, I looked to Wikipedia to get the low-down, and like Wikipedia in all its wonderful glory, I found out some fun facts about the origins of this group. It turns out that when White was 12, his grandfather won 6.6 million pounds in the UK lottery, which is roughly $10.4 million in the US (god, I love the internet). Her grandfather gave each of his sons £1millon each, which includes White’s father. He used his share of the money to start a music management company and after a few attempts at starting a successful group, The Ting Tings were born. So, I didn’t want to like them. On the surface, a manufactured band that lucked out with a few sweet songs five years ago? Cool… Only their second album, Sounds from Nowheresville seems to have made an effort to fit into the current music-sphere – think Cults but with a bit more spunk and energy, or Sleigh Bells but less intense, more dancey. I’m not sure why I hated on them so much, but it probably had to do with this obnoxious girl I knew who loved “That’s Not My Name” and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Leaving the hate back in 2008, however, I gave

GRADE C

The Ting Tings another chance. Their first single “Hang it Up” is a fairly catchy tune that evokes images of hip girls in Urban Outfitters sale-rack skirts jerking around awkwardly, their version of dancing (remember that obnoxious girl I knew?). “Give it Back” has a similar beat to a certain LCD Soundsystem song and does pick up, but not nearly enough to give the track enough momentum to become worthwhile. “Guggenheim” is my favorite track on the album with the spokenword verses building up to an interestingly catchy chorus. The album tends to slow down toward the end, though, and it makes the entire thing pretty anti-climatic. Now, The Ting Tings’ question of a lifetime – would they have ever become anything without the help of granddaddy’s lucky lottery win? It’s doubtful, but that doesn’t matter - they’ve scored a few good songs, had their run, won some awards, blah blah blah, and are probably enjoying themselves anyway. They aren’t bad, and are good for some new dance tunes… but don’t expect them to stick around. Sounds Like: Cults and the 80s, separately. Download: Guggenheim, Hang it Up Listen to it When: You’re lounging around and coming down from something fun, but will quickly move onto something else.

it’s small. You have to get to that point, though. TBS: How do you strike a balance between making music you find personally gratifying, but also something your fans want to hear? Erin: It’s a tough thing. Everyone has different interests, and some are able to pursue them under the moniker of their band. But there’s other bands where an out-there record doesn’t work in the parameters of what the band is. Our band, we want to grow and change every record, but the way we move in the same direction, together, allows us to explore new things. TBS: How ambitious do you get with your sound? When you incorporate a new instrument is it out of necessity, like, “This thing makes this sound, so we will use it,” or is it, “We want to push the boundaries of how we consider ourselves as musicians”? Erin: With Beware and Be Grateful we started with these cheap Casio keyboards to get the sound up and running, and from there it was experimenting and seeing what stuck. Running with our instincts. We’ve tried doing it before, and it’s worked on certain songs. On this record, though, it helped us produce a really loose sound. TBS: You guys are headlining a tour right now. How do you prepare? Do you prepare? Erin: I think when you’re on tour it’s one of those things where you’re constantly trying to stay on schedule while being exhausted all the time. It’s basically keeping up until you crash and just stop caring about a timetable. TBS: Is there different pressure being the tour headliner? Erin: I think we’re always making sure we’re playing well and presenting the songs as best we can every night, regardless. I mean, you feel obligated to put on a good show for people who paid money to see you. Plus, how often do you get a chance to play a place like Shreveport, Louisiana? Once a year? You want to put on a good show for someone who might be seeing you for the first time. TBS: For someone who hasn’t seen you play live before, describe your show in five words or less. Erin: Four guys, lots of sound. TBS: What’s a band or artist you listen to that no one would think you like? Erin: I listen to a lot of top 40 radio. When we’re on tour peoples’ iPods get exhausted pretty quickly. I think Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” is an incredible song. TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Erin: I think a sandwich is a great culinary invention. I think a baguette, smoked tempeh, some tomato, avocado and spicy mustard. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Erin: A Pegasus seems ideal, you can ride it into town if you need to, or you can fly. TBS: The most practical of the mythical creatures.

UPCOMING RELEASES One Direction - Up All Night Meat Loaf - Hell In A Handbasket

Peter White - Here We Go Adrenaline Mob - Omerta

Lucero - Woman and Work Delta Spirit - Delta Spirit

VCMG - Ssss Soulfy - Enslaved

the seek & find

Can you find all the hidden items? If so, email us with their locations â&#x20AC;&#x201D; or hell, circle them and send us a pic â&#x20AC;&#x201D; and you'll win! secret@theblacksheeponline.com

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the crossword: the united states 1

live close live college

6 7 8 9 10 11

12 13 14 15

Down the clues 1 The state's name is Spanish

Across The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 Words) This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. (2 Words) The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of this state. The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. This state has the highest state capital above sea level. (2 Words) The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state.

15) The National Cowboy Hall of for "snow-clad." is located here. 3Fame The first motion picture 16) This state had the highest state theater opened capital above sea level. (2 here words) in 1902. 417) The Thelargest United States Air Force Grizzly Bear populaAcademy is located here. tion in the lower 48 is found in this 7state. Microsoft is headquartered 16 15 13

here. 9DOWN: In 1861 the Confederate Flag 1) The state’s name is Spanish for state. was first flown in this “snow-clad.” 10 The Badger State. 3) The firststate motion was picturethe theater 11 This first to opened here in 1902. ratify the 13th Amendment, 4) The United Statesslavery. Air Force Acadabolishing emy is located here. 12 Colonial blue and buff are this close to campus + private bedrooms + individual leases 7) Microsoft is headquartered here. state's official state colors. 9) In 1861 the Confederate Flag was 14 This state hosts the nation's first flown in this state. most active 10) The Badger State.volcano. 8 6 5 2

11) This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12) Colonial blue and buff are this state’s official colors. 14) This state hosts the nation’s most active volcano.

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C 5 M A L 6 M A I F 8 S O R N 11 I I L A 14 L H I A 16 N E WM O A I I S I 3

Down 1 The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4 The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7 Microsoft is headquartered here. 9 In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10 The Badger State. 11 This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12 Colonial blue and buff are this state's official state colors. 14 This state hosts the nation's most active volcano.

N E V Y L A N D D E A 7 W T H D A K O S 10 H W I I 13 T E N N E S G C 15 T O X I C O N N S I M O N T A N

answers

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