Black Sheep "Choose Your Own Adventure" Issue by The Black Sheep

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it all started one friday night

START

You look down at the clock on your computer, 7:35 p.m. Jeeze, time sure does fly. You swore to yourself you’d be out of your room by 7:30, whether you’d be heading towards Grainger for a full-on study session or just down to the lounge for a quick rip through your CHBE 430 textbook. Your Friday night is getting out of hand in a hurry; you won’t be done studying until 11, earliest, and you have to be up at 8:15 a.m. tomorrow morning for a RA conference in the Armory. Ah, such is the life of a college student.

Jeremy is one of your better residents; he’s a good kid who doesn’t cause too much trouble. You tell yourself that you’ll let him slide this time, as long as he doesn’t have any open containers just lying around when you get into the room.

Just as you begin to zip up your backpack, there’s a knock on your door. You swing it open to find Jeremy, one of the freshmen on the floor, looking at you glassy-eyed, reeking of alcohol, and worried.

You rush over and tear it open. The letter unfolds and it reads, “Dear Mr. Benhart, On behalf of the Admissions Committee, it is my pleasure to offer you admission to MIT’s class of 2015 graduate program.” Holy smokes! Yeah! Twenty-two years of hard work and discipline continues to pay off! You briefly consider calling your parents, but remember they’re in North Carolina for the week. Your friends are… uh…few and far between, so that’s out. Well, you tell yourself, you have to do something to celebrate, right?

“Hey David, uh…I don’t…I mean…okay. Basically, someone just puked all over my floor. Can I get some cleaning supplies?” Great, another delay. “Just go back to your room. I’ll be there with a mop and bucket in a few minutes.”

You turn to your desk to get the supply closet keys when you notice the return address on something that came in the mail today. It says “Massachusetts Institute of Technology.” Wait—how could you have missed that?

You didn’t get to where you are today by cutting corners. There’s still that vomit to clean up, buddy. Better get on that first.

For once you’ll throw caution into the wind! Time to go celebrate with…whom? Well, that part will come later, the more important question is, “where?”

Go to 4A

Go to 4B

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Pukefest 2012

Although you really want to celebrate your acceptance to MIT, you decide to fulfill your RA duties and clean up the puke. You didn’t get into MIT by neglecting your duties. You go to Jeremy's room, where you hear loud music and an obvious party. This is against Scott Hall rules. You again consider whether to get Jeremy in trouble when you catch a whiff of the stench in the room. However, being that you're feeling good about your acceptance, you decide not to rain on anybody’s parade. As you enter the room, you see a gang of useless, wasted LAS freshmen. When you walk in, they all make an attempt to act sober, but you tell them not to worry about it and just show you where the mess is. In the corner of the room is the passed out student with a large puddle of puke next to him. You tell them to move the kid to his bed as you go to the supply closet to get cleaners. After you mop up all the puke, you apply layer after layer of cleaning product to the stain. After the mess is clean, you start to feel funny. Very funny. The chemicals in the cleaners are starting to really, really get to your head, and you are feeling kind of… you know, funny.

you Spot the All Star

The news has you puzzled. What do students normally do to celebrate four years of hard work and dedication? The Jeremy incident allows you to put two and two together; you celebrate by getting obnoxiously drunk. For once you ignore your duties as an RA, because cleaning up the vomit of some irresponsible freshman isn’t what anyone would call a fun night, and you head to where you think the most popular drinking spot on campus happens to be, Kam’s. You throw on your favorite collared, white button-up shirt and tie and begin your trek to the bar solo. When you arrived on campus three and a half years ago, you made the conscious decision to avoid meaningful relationships to focus on your academics. But tonight... tonight you'll talk to a total stranger. Once you've arrived at the bar, you come to the realization that the earsplitting music coupled with the dim lighting does not make the bar the ideal place to make new friends. Amongst the crowd you notice someone you had previously tutored, a 6’ 4” starting University of Illinois guard named Brandon Paul. After seeing Brandon Paul, you notice that the crew towering over the bar alongside him is the rest of the U of I basketball team. You had tutored Brandon in Chemistry last semester. Once he had gotten a handle on his class, it seemed he had little time for you, and your relationship had ended there. He even defriended you on Facebook.

Better "take these to the lab" to find out what you're inhaling.

some cafeteria food will clear your head. celebration hamburger time!

what the heck, he always seemed to like your periodic table jokes, might as well go say "hi."

eh, you never bonded like hydrogen and oxygen. better just leave him alone.

Go to 5A

Go to 7A

Go to 5B

Go to 6A

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who's the chemical engineer here?

Your arms are overflowing with bottles of industrial strength cleaner—more varieties than any one person would ever need, unless maybe if you were cleaning up a grisly crime scene. Your fellow RA sees you looking like a crazed janitor and part-time murderer and thinks this is exactly what you’re doing. You ease the look of terror on her face by reassuring her that someone had an accident, you're not covering up a murder. She points out that the amount of cleaner you’re carrying will probably take you straight from high to dead. You give her a condescending look and ask her, “Who’s the chemical engineer here?” even though she might be right. In your nervous excitement you went way overboard. She runs off disgusted, and you continue walking to your room. At that point, Beaker turns the corner and tells you in a series of squeaks that he's concerned over the experiments about to take place. He's been on the wrong end of many a Dr. Bunsen Honeydew experiment and doesn't want a repeat of that here. Outraged, you tell him to can it because you're not gonna listen to some stinkin' Muppet. At that point you're beginning to question your reality. The hall starts spinning, and you begin to lose your balance. You stumble and fall, and all the chemicals spill on the floor.

brandon paul and his band of merry ballers

The newfound feeling of empowerment you’ve gained from your MIT acceptance has given you the confidence to approach Brandon Paul and his band of merry ballers. “Hey Brandon, haven’t seen you awhile, how’d the end of the season go?” You ask your former student, only to have the rest of the squad give you death stares. You’re just about to back away slowly when Brandon speaks up, “Hey, he’s cool, if it weren’t for him helping me pass Chemistry, I couldn’t have put up 43 points against Ohio State.” While most of the team gives Brandon a hard time for desperately clinging to his sole claim to fame, they accept the answer and decide not to beat you to death. After helping you avoid a near death experience, Brandon slides you over something he calls a "Blue Guy" from a collection of drinks sitting on the bar. You ask what the drink is; only to be heckled by the team. You take your first sip of the drink and determine it tastes like blue sour punch candy. You happily suck down the rest of the concoction. As you go to purchase another delicious beverage, two attractive girls take the space at the bar next to you. After briefly eyeing you up and down, one of the cute girls asks, “What brings you here?”

Look at this mess! beaker might know what to do, you better go find him.

you... you just need to lay down for a second to clear your head.

terrified and on the verge of peeing your pants, you sputter "heywouldyalookoverthereoh wowneatawallokaybye!"

she's certainly not an engineering girl, you can tell that much. alright, you can do this.

Go to 9B

Go to 24B

Go to 6A

Go to 7B

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6A one is the loneliest number BOUNCE 4 BEATS PRESENTS You run to the back corner, not sure what to do. You’re frustrated and all alone so you decide to grab a few drinks. It’s either the stickiness of the floor or your utter embarrassment that is keeping you glued to that spot like the dork you know you are. At this point you’ve lost track of how many you’ve tossed back. You look around the room, noticing everyone else chugging whiskey Cokes and dancing with pretty girls. Feeling utterly alone and out of place, you try to awkwardly bob your head to the whomping music, but you don’t understand how anyone could even try to dance to something like this. Even worse, every time you move you feel a sharp pain in your lower back. After checking your back pocket, you realize that you left a few mechanical pencils in there after your exam earlier. As much as you’re enjoying taking a break from the responsible RA life, you start to get the itch to go home and punch out a few math problems for the chuckles. But with one last look around you’re not quite sure if you want to give up on the night already. After all, you’re already out, and you don’t really feel like walking all the way back to Scott Hall right now. Then again, Shepard is counting on you to take down those Reapers.

welp, that's just about enough fun for one night, and that vomit isn't going to clean up itself.

stick around. just think of it as a social experiment. you love experiments!

Go to 4A

Go to 15d

the life of an underground minion

As you let go of the door behind you, it slams and locks itself shut. A single flickering lamp in the far corner of the room supplies the only light. Beneath it you begin to make out with the shape of a person. Yes, it’s an old, grizzled man with a beard so long it’s fused with his chest hair. He mumbles something to you, and judging by his extremely dry and raspy voice, you assume he's dying of thirst. But you’re wrong. His head is fixed over an old water fountain, slurping constantly as he stares at you with bulging eyes. As your eyes get used to the strobe effect, you realize that the man is flicking the light switch on and off with his right hand. He finally stops, and as you look around the room, you can’t help but stare at the repeated scribblings. The wall is littered with “6-0” and “0-6” written in orange and blue paint on every square inch of the walls. You move towards the man, his beard drenched in water. You notice that the water is simply hitting his mouth and pouring down his chin. His lips aren’t even open. You finally recognize the man as none other than former Illini football coach Ron Zook! Your group tries to turn and run for safety, but the door slams shut, and after several minutes of unintelligible hoarse-speak, you and your group are forced down on the ground to do six pushups. On completion old man Zook starts to laugh like an evil, mad scientist, and ends up coughing like an evil, mad scientist. He gives an unnerving attempt at a smile and welcomes your group to his “program.” As you soon learn, by completing six pushups you have unknowingly accepted Zook’s legally binding contract that makes you his underground legion of underachieving football players for the rest of eternity.

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the end

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your cafeteria trip

Remembering that inhaling a variety of household cleaners isn't the greatest idea, you decide to go to the cafeteria to grab some food and get your head back in sorts. As you make your way down, your heartbeat steadily increases and the rooms around you begin to spin. It feels almost like you are becoming sick, but, for whatever reason, you also feel more alive than you've ever felt before. Everything seems humorous to you. You know that this is unnatural though, and hope that getting some food into your stomach will clear your head. When you get in line at the cafeteria, you begin to glance at all the faces in front of you; the chemicals are making your mind wander a bit. That's when you notice the weird kid who lives on your floor in the front of the line. The guy never talks, listens to Insane Clown Posse all day, and never leaves his room without his long, black trench coat. You have noticed that this kid never goes to class - heck, he probably didn't even study for his midterms. You chuckle to yourself when you think about it. It's occurred to you that he might snap one day, but your deep belief in humanity makes you think he'll be alright in the long run.

social success at long last 7B You decide to man up and talk to the girl. You explain that you’re an RA and after years of forgoing heavily drinking for studying at Grainger, you’ve been accepted into MIT for graduate school. Fortunately, the pretty lady decided to go to college to find a husband and is immediately attracted to your success. After two minutes of listening to the girl ramble on about how she decided to wear her hair that night, your attention falls to her cleavage. The girl is seconds away from noticing your lack of attention when Brandon Paul, who has been putting moves on the cute girl’s friend, takes a break from spitting mad game and asks, “Hey, we’re all about to go this party; you guys want to come?” You’re borderline having an asthma attack.

feeling a bit better about yourself, you decide to give him a little "hello."

he's always been a loner, no need to chat him up now. plus, that pizza's lookin' pretty good.

you think "today has gone pretty well, so far. maybe it's finally my chance to shine."

Go to 24B

Go to 9A

Go to 21a

the silver bullet: where dreams go to die

The hoodlums race off with your handcrafted wallet and leave you unharmed but feeling terribly unsafe. Your eidetic memory recalls the remainder of the directions, and you find your way to The Silver Bullet without any more problems. Without thinking you try to enter The Bullet without your ID; the giant bouncer laughs in your face. You desperately try to explain that you were mugged, but the bouncer gives you a stern look, “Listen, kid, I wasn’t born yesterday. Now get the hell out of here.” You step outside and plop yourself down on a picnic table as a horde of horny 18-year-olds pass by and enter the club without a hitch. You have no money, no phone, and no way home. You feel as though you might cry; tonight was supposed to be a magnificent celebration. Just when you’re about to break into sobs, you feel a hand on your shoulder, “Do you have a light?” You look up to see a woman who would be halfway attractive in the right light. You tell her no. “Oh well. Look, I heard you tell Hugo that you got robbed. You need a lift home?” Oh good gracious! Looks like this night is turning around after all! When you get back, you can’t help but race up to your room and offer her something to drink, namely water. Candi yawns and decides she’d rather just go to sleep. Hours that feel like seconds pass by, and you awake nervously awaiting what might happen, but Candi is gone without a trace of her ever being in your room. Oh well, this could make an interesting AskReddit post; however, your laptop is missing. You search everywhere, but your MacBook Air is gone forever. Looks like last night was a load of crap after all.

the end

For the first time in college, not only are you invited to a party, but you’re going with a cute girl and a campus celebrity. You nervously blurt out, “Yeah, totally!” which is followed by awkward silence. The long silence continues until you pass Frat Park and notice the basketball court. Thinking that this is a great opportunity to find some common ground for conversation, you start to talk about how you love to play basketball, which is a lie. You’re a huge nerd. Brandon looks you over, smiles, and licks his chops as he realizes an opportunity to establish his dominance in front of women. Brandon suggests playing a game of 21, as there is a basketball conveniently sitting next to the court with no one tending to it. You’re not sure if he’s joking or being serious. You look from Brandon to the girl as you weigh your options.

you vaguely understand "basketball" lingo, so you're thinking you will "air ball" a lot of "shots." you better pass.

Go to 16A

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8A walking on moonshine You’re trotting along the road, following the directions of the GPS on your iPhone4S, since you haven’t the slightest idea of how to get to The Silver Bullet on your own. Thankfully Siri never judges you. You’re imagining just how cool you’ll sound to your lab partner after you tell her that you got into MIT and then went to The Silver Bullet to celebrate. You’ll look like a regular James Dean! She’ll finally have to concede that you are, in fact, the superior scientist. Maybe you’ll even get her to call you “Doctor.” Wowza! You’re walking on sunshine. Unfortunately walking alone to The Bullet, waving your bright iPhone4S around like a lighthouse in the night attracts some unwanted attention. Four men approach you and demand you give them your wallet and that "motherfuckin' iPhone." You try explaining to the hoodlums that you handcrafted this wallet yourself at summer camp two years ago, and that it took your forever to sew the Velcro on just right, and that sewing through leather really hurts your fingers; but they’re not having it. They could care less that you’re just one punch away from a free Love It-sized ice cream at Coldstone. You look to Siri for assistance, but without prompting a question, she clams up and is of no help to you. They snatch your phone from you and warn you that if you don’t give them your wallet too, things might get violent real quick.

taking it to the vents 8B The crowd is yours. You demand to go into the vents. They’d follow you into Hell, which, oddly enough, is the same temperature as where you’re leading them. Everyone quickly throws their clothes back on, excited for the adventure that lies ahead. You turn to your trusty deputies (chosen for their extremely large... personalities) and give the marching orders. The crowd files into the steam tunnel entrance, disappearing in moments like cockroaches under a refrigerator when a light goes on. It’s dark, steamy, and cramped. Your best bet is to wedge yourself in behind a girl. You assess your surroundings. You’re in a narrow tunnel lined with steam pipes, scalding to the touch. Light sources are minimal, a bare bulb every twenty yards. Illuminated on the walls you see a mosaic, the scrawls of over a century of graffiti tags spider-webbing into the darkness. The girl behind you stumbles, almost falling into the steam pipes. You help her back onto her feet and feel even more like their fearless leader. You enter a dark room, the only light streaming from a slat in the grate overhead. The temperature drops and everyone huddles together for warmth. You see two doors. One says "ENTER", one says "DO NOT ENTER".

"it's just metal, glass and circuitry," you think. Nothing to get too worked up over, you give them little miss siri.

Years of being bullied have taught you to stand up for yourself. "I prefer not to..." you stutter.

"do not enter?" rebellion has treated you well thus far. why stop now?

you chose "enter." the promise of adventure is too much. might as well see what's past this.

Go to 7c

Go to 24b

Go to 6b

Go to 15B

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the snap

As you slowly creep around the cafeteria, your trip becomes worse, and you try to avoid the glowing eels above you. With the amount of people there and your instinctual level of social awkwardness, you wander aimlessly for five minutes. Out of nowhere you remember your original intention: Food. You load up on ten of your favorite Little Debbie snacks, but not the fuzzy pink coconut balls because they look like a Muppet's testicles. The sitting area is pretty empty. You spot some jabber-mouth freshmen sitting in the middle of the room, probably talking about their plans to play Call of Duty and eat Cheetos later that evening. In the back corner you see that weird kid from the checker’s line still muttering to himself. You can’t help but shiver. Well, you’re not going to sit by him. He seems to have a pretty good handle of his one-way conversation. You notice, between the exit and the muttering nut job, a really cute freshman girl. Dirty blonde hair, petite but with some nice curves, great face and nerdy glasses. Using your standard pick-up techniques, you sit at the same table as her but seven seats over. You look up occasionally during your meal to see if she is noticing you. Just when the two of you make a whole entire second of eye contact, that creepy greaseball sitting in back stops talking to himself and suddenly stands up. He’s got a gun! He shoots one shot into the ceiling. A cook cries, “Aw hell naw!” and dives for cover.

Just play it cool, everything will work out okay. right? right???

screw this. little debbie isn't worth dying over, you're making a run for it.

Go to 19a

Go to 24b

whoa man...

The sudden intake of chemicals makes you cough uncontrollably, but thankfully you get out of the room before any permanent damage occurs. The molecules must have lodged themselves inside your nose, however, because their scent is following you even as you make your way out of the dorm. You sit down on the curb to get your bearings back; you wish Beaker were still here. As customary whenever you think you’re losing your mind, you begin reciting elements from the periodic table. You do fine with the halogens and noble gases. You even remember all of the transition metals. But you completely blank on the actinides and lanthanides. You’re convinced something is terribly wrong. Everyone around you is convinced there's something wrong, too. You didn’t sit on a curb; you’re in the middle of the street. Cars are honking and drivers are telling you to get your ass out of the road. You quickly stumble to your feet and back toward the dorm. You begin crying and stroking flowers for comfort, but the touch of petals and stamens doesn’t console you for long. You completely lose it when you see a small spider has crawled onto your arm but gain it right back when you realize it was only fuzz from your shirt. You look around and notice things are hazy—hazier than what tears can do on their own.

some exercise will clear your head. mosey down the street. get a pita or something.

this is a situation for a professional. call 9-1-1-. why are the numbers screaming in pain when you touch them?

Go to 10c

Go to 23B

with regards to will ferrell You begin to feel a pit forming in your stomach. You have no idea what to do in this situation. Your RA training never covered how to handle a mob of dance-starved college students. Though this is your first college party, you’ve seen every movie made about college multiple times. Just then, like a shinning ray of hope from above it hits you; you know exactly what these kids want. The time tested solution for diverting attention away from yourself at a party. You stand up and shout, "Everybody, we’re going streaking!" as you race out the door. There isn’t even a split second of decision – everyone is on board and they follow you out the door. The clothes come off faster than pajamas at Neverland Ranch. Bras fly like caps at graduation, pants tear off quicker than basketball warm-ups. Suddenly, the mob has become a menagerie of weiners and hoo-has, boobs and

butts. Shaved, trimmed, unkempt, landing strips, fire crotches, you name it, the diversity of Chambana is immediately apparent. You feel it more than hear it: the guttural, sexually-tinged roar that builds to a cacophony before breaking over the perimeter of the quad. Hundreds of students form a single mob, surging around buildings, leaving nothing in their wake but destruction. The crowd stampedes toward the quad, breaking out onto the well-manicured lawn like a tidal wave of debauchery and carnal desire. Then the age-old streaker problem rears its ugly head: what do you do once you find yourself naked on a quad, surrounded by quickly softening half-masts and erect nipples? The streaking is accomplished, your mission, and the only thing binding you to your group, is terminated. It’s decision time.

adventure? excitement? a jedi craves not these things. thankfully, you're not one. tonight, at least. let's hit the vents!

you've got a group of naked people at your disposal. might as well make this a lot more like an adult movie.

Go to 8b

Go to 16c

www.theblacksheeponline.com

10a

flaccid rain

With the newly acquired condom in hand you do a pre-coitus celebratory dance in the hallway before you sprint back to your room. “Let’s get it on,” you say in your best Marvin Gaye voice as you open the door. To your surprise the woman of your dreams you just saved from a serious case of the being dead is about halfway dressed and doesn’t even look up at you. You quickly question where she is going, and she replies, “I can’t stay here. My pledge daughter just died. Well, not technically dead, but she deactivated and I'm devastated. I need to gather my pledge husband, pledge son, pledge mother, and pledge father so we can be with our family in this trying time.” You’re immediately flaccid. “I’m sorry, here’s some cab fare,” this beautiful vixen tells you as she leaves. You think about telling her that you actually live here but decide it might be awkward to explain you’re an RA in the boring dorm. You let it go and take the cash with you. You put your head in your hands and begin to ruminate on what has just happened. This girl’s ugly friend has just managed to stop an intimate moment from beyond the grave. You stop dwelling on it after a few moments when you realize you have tissues, plenty of lotion and the internet. This is going to be the best Friday night ever.

the end

the chief whisperer

They wouldn't even understand if you told them. It’s definitely a better decision to tell the cops you were just looking around, playing a little game of Indiana Jones or something. You’re afraid that your shifty eyes will give you away, but who’d believe you anyway? You tell them about the rats, the water drips and how the vents should be publicly accessible for students. You make them sit through the details of how cockroaches really do love the garbage water smell from the bars. They get annoyed at your rambling and decide to let you go with just a warning, because they don’t want to hear your voice anymore. After the initial shock wears off and the scene stops replaying over and over in your head, you contact The Black Sheep, the classiest newspaper you can think of, so that they can cover the story. The media empire takes hours of footage of you walking around campus with your newfound Illiniwek swag, and the campus begins to refer to you as “Chief Whisperer.” The administration gets all upset, but what else is new? They take away the scholarship you received for being 1/8 Colombian, but it doesn’t matter. You’re a legend, man. A legend. Your legacy will live on forever; that’s something no scholarship could ever grant you. You are the Chief Whisperer. You are the man.

the end

10c we can't stop here, this is monster country!

You keep walking. The stench of the chemicals is starting to get really strong and you need to get away to avoid, well, dying. As you walk out of the dorm room and down the street, the sidewalk and the road start moving as if you’re in the wave pool at a water park. The door of an apartment opens, but it’s not a student. It’s a devilish creature with three googly eyeballs and a lot of fur. He’s drinking a Natty Light. He asks if you want a beer. You start running down the road but these horrific monsters keep popping out of every apartment. All of them are drinking beer! Some are wearing strange glasses with horizontal slats. “Hm, that’s counterproductive,” you think to yourself. You peek into one of the apartment parties and see a three-eyed, hairy monster getting a lap dance from another three-eyed, hairy creature wearing a neon pink bikini. In the corner of the same room a different creature is smoking what appears to be cannabis. What the hell is going on? What are these monsters, and where are they coming from? Is this the chemicals talking, or are these monsters real? You always had a feeling monsters were real when you were little, but you never thought that you’d come face to face with them as a college student. You start to contemplate actually hanging out with them. You think, “Hey, maybe if I talk to them, I can get some information out of them, and it’ll reduce the chances of them killing me.” Well...

for monsters, they look pretty friendly. gonna have to say hello!

on second thought, these are monsters. best keep on swimming like dory the fish.

Go to 15c

Go to 16b

10b

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$2 Absolut Vodka $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 3/29

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

DEATH OF THE ILLUMINATI World Premiere Rock Opera! Stream online at iClips!

featuring Wells & Bud Light Bottles

The N$FW TOUR! Bogtrotter, Smilodon, Profresher Billy, Blacklight, Toffler & DJ Belly!

FRI 3/30

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers

OZRIC TENTACLES with FAREED HAQUE & MATHGAMES

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 BURGERS $5 Wings & Fries $3 Porch Steps $3 Jager Bombs $2 Bud Light Tallboys

Sonny Stuble Live at 1130! With Special Guests The Great Divide (10PM)

SAT 3/31

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

DJ DANCE PARTY

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

Amy Michelle Trio! With Special Guests Brother Embassy and More! Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

$2 U Call It

$3 EVERYTHING ELSE

SUN 4/01

Closed

** CLOSED **

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

MON 4/02

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

** CLOSED **

$1 WELLS

Mountain Sprout Live at 10:30! With Special Guests Legend of Levi Morgan and Stay Gold Boys!

TUES 4/03

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

EOTO with KRADDY (Special Lotus Flower Stage Production!)

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Absolut Vodka $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

WED 4/04

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

312 VIBE NIGHT: MUG NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $1 PBR Drafts and Busch Cans!

When You Live Here, Who Needs to Take Breaks?

We’re Pet Friendly!

With our amazing views, crazy huge apartments and, oh yeah, the ability to buy beer downstairs, why would you leave when you’d never have to?

ONLY A FEW STUDIOS AND ONE-BEDROOMS LEFT! OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

THURS 3/29

Hawks vs Blues 7pm $2.50 Jameson $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Absolut Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

FRI 3/30

$3 Strong Islands

Bulls vs Pistons 7pm $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs $3 UV Vodka $3 Jim Beam or Stag $3 Bud Light Platinum Btls

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney Spinning the Best $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

Bulls vs Pistons 7pm $7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

SAT 3/31

SPECIAL NIGHT

35 E. Green Street

Get Ready for the Joe's BIKINI CONTEST! Win $1,000 CASH JoesBrewery.com for more info!

FINAL FOUR Louisville vs Kent. 5pm Ohio St. vs Kansas 8pm $3 Bud Light Platinum Btls $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

DJ and Dancing All Night!

Watch the Final Four w/ 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 4/01

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

FRIDAY: DJ Delayney Spinning the Best $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

Bulls vs Thunder Noon $2 EVERYTHING $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

It's warm out and your roommate sucks. Come hang out in the beer garden with $4 Cups of Shots

MON 4/02

MINUTE TO WIN IT - 11 PM 60 Second Games of Skill $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

THURSDAY MONDAY: $4 Pitchers Miller Lite $3 Jameson or Bud Light $2 Coors Light Night $2Special Domestic Bottles and Miller Light Draft Happy Hour $1and off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) 6-8 every(After day. $3 Imports Specialty 1/2 Offfrom Apps 5pm) Free pool during hour!!! Beers | $3happy Doctors $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP Win Cubs Tickets 9pm $1 DRAFTS $10 HYDRANTS! Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 11PM $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

TUES 4/03

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

1/2 Price SHARKBOWLS $2 Wells, $2 Captain $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-10pm

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Closed for Private Party

8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

WED 4/04

SAT: FINAL FOUR Louisville vs Kent. 5pm Ohio St. vs Kansas 8pm $3 Bud Light Platinum Btls $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs

WED 3/28

35 E. Green Street

MINUTE TO WIN IT - 11 PM 60 Second Games of Skill $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Hawks vs Blues 7pm

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic Pitchers

WED 3/28

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

THURS 3/29

BUD NIGHT! $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM’S Featuring DJ Jay LaVitola $3.50 UV Vodka & Bam $1.00 Rolling Rock Bottles $1.00 Miller Bottles

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

GOT BOT SKIRT PARTY NO COVER w/ Skirt w/ DJ John Han $3.50 Svedka & BAM $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles FREE SWAG ALL NIGHT!

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

JAGER TAN LINE CONTEST! Win Jager Prizes! $3 Jager Bombs, $2 Shots FINAL FOUR – Shoot to Win KRUSH Shirts!

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

CLUB 211 w/ DJ John Han FREE GLOWSTICKS BLACKLIGHTS $3 Bacardi $3 Jack Daniels $3 Bud Light Platinum Btls

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

Closed

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 4/02

SPECIAL NIGHT

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

SUN 4/01

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

SAT 3/31

SATURDAY: CLUB 211 w/ DJ John Han FREE GLOWSTICKS BLACKLIGHTS $3 Bacardi& Jack Daniels $3 Bud Light Platinum Btls

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 3/30

SUN: Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

FRI: GOT BOT SKIRT PARTY NO COVER w/ Skirt w/ DJ John Han $3.50 Svedka & BAM $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles FREE SWAG ALL NIGHT!

MONDAY:

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS MONDAY $1 Fatty Bottles $1 Wells, $2 Energy $3 Pitchers!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Dbl Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts “Drink in Yur Mason Jar”

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the DJ’s $1000.00 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 4/04

Closed

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

TUES 4/03

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

I pity the fool who don’t live at The Village!

COME FIND OUT WHY THE VILLAGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE IN CHAMPAIGN/URBANA! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the best golden shower ever

15B

You and your crew now stand in a room illuminated by a blinding light. As your head flinches away from the source and towards the ground, you notice that the floor is made of pure gold! Squinting with your hand shading your eyes, you see what appears to be a graceful and indigenous man dancing furiously in the center of the room. As your eyes adjust to the room’s brightness, you’re able to confirm that the dance is indeed furious. The performer is dressed in a beautiful blue and orangefeathered headdress. You recognize the emphatic kick-dancing and realize that you have stumbled upon the sacred tomb of Chief Illiniwek! The Chief dances his way towards you and your group, and as he approaches, your legs begin to move on their own, forcing you to kneel down and honor the great mascot’s spirit. The brilliant light fades as his dance ends, and as a token of gratitude for your restraint from yelling, “Awahwah,” while patting your mouth like the Chief’s ancestors once did, he bestows you with his entire tomb. At first you’re not all that impressed, but as the Chief’s spirit starts to fade away, gold begins to pour into the room from small openings in the ceiling. In the middle of your hot treasure bath, the Chief reappears briefly and asks that you and your group keep everything you’ve just seen a secret.

15c

the monster mash

You walk into one of the houses. There are four conscious monsters in the living room, and two monsters that are sleeping on top of each other on the floor. They notice that you are in a state similar to their own. Your eyes are dilated and look like you did when you were twelve, seeing your first Playboy. They say to you in a robotic tone, “Are you okay, Dave?” You remain silent. How did those monsters know your name? The monsters all look at each other and nod in unison. Then they huddle and start whispering. One of the monsters grabs a box from under the bed. You’re still staring in silence, all twelve of their eyes still on you. “You need this,” said one of the monsters. He hands you a baggy with brown powder in it. It looks like a mixture of cinnamon and brown sugar, but smells like a combination of ashtray and hamburger meat. The monsters assure you that this substance will help bring you down back to normal. They tell you to trust them, and that if you don’t take it, you’ll go crazy, run away, and end up drowning in Boneyard Creek. The monsters seem to know what they’re talking about.

with all this gold who cares what some ghost has to say?

you're an athiest - well, were. But the supernatural just happened. you're gonna keep your mouth shut.

Go to 22b

Go to 23a

a fish out of water

15d

You casually walk up to get yourself a beer and try to squeeze in between a couple frat bros. Considering you’ve never really paid for a drink, you're not really sure how much anything costs. Luckily, though, you remember that Bud Light commercial with the dog who retrieves beers. Since you’ve always loved animals and supported adopting from shelters, you decide you want to give your patronage to that company and get yourself a Bud. You don’t really like the taste at first, but you pinch your nose and finish off the whole thing in less than a minute. You realize you’re not feeling anything yet, so you go back and grab yourself two more bottles that are gone within minutes. You’ve caught the attention of a dude nearby who can totally tell you’ve never drank before. He throws you a few shots just for the heck of it, and you gladly accept. You are celebrating after all. This is what all the excitement is about! You feel invincible! All of the sudden you notice an attractive girl a few feet away. Your newfound confidence makes you believe you could get any girl you set yours eyes on, you minx, you. Then again, her extraordinarily features remind you that you of a place you've never seen, The Silver Bullet. Why not take another chance?

mom always said to never take powder from monsters, so you decline and get to gettin'.

these monsters seem pretty nice for being monsters. trust them and take their magic fairy dust.

siri says it's 3.3 miles away. seems like a fun walk!

you remember a cheesy pick-up line you heard once before: "I know my calculus, u+me=us." that'll slay her.

Go to 16b

Go to 24b

Go to 8a

Go to 21d

www.theblacksheeponline.com

16a separating from the pack Memories of having your sexuality questioned and your underwear pulled over your head during gym class come roaring back. You thought years of therapy had taken care of that. You shake your head "no" to Brandon Paul's challenge, and he lets out a good-natured chuckle. His rich, baritone voice sounds like that anthropomorphic chocolate bar that the tarot cards warned you about. If you want any hope of getting anywhere with this girl tonight, you're going to have to have to ditch Brandon; the guy oozes nothing but charisma and charm, and that whole MIT line is only going to carry you so far. You feel a pang of guilt but you’re fairly certain Brandon would rather you be gone either way. All of this is racing through your head as you desperately try to maneuver through Frat Park without stepping on any broken bottles or used needles. You tell Siri to remind you to write to your Congressmen about getting a sanitation crew down here. Upon arriving at the party you feel tightness in your chest. Men drinking much more than the amount allotted at Communion and women dressed without any care for modesty; Father O'Flannery must be rolling over in his grave. You begin to feel light headed, and when you come to, you and your girl are standing alone having lost the rest of the group.

it was a monster bash 16b As you’re walking down the street, you see a commotion. You thought that you’d escaped those terrifying things, but here they are again. This is why people shouldn’t do drugs! Your mind is racing, but you keep marching forward. It’s like a tractor beam is pulling you. Your curiosity is just too strong. There are two gigantic monsters that are screaming rubbish. You’re approaching carefully, trying to listen to what they’re yelling about. You think you hear one of them yell the word “twat,” whatever that means, but you can’t be completely sure. You see the one who yelled “twat” charge towards the other monster. The two monsters are viciously attacking each other now. There must be like a thousand of these big... things. It’s become a complete brawl of monsters growling and snarling, and they’re all hitting and grabbing at each other. You notice that there’s one monster that’s causing most of the trouble. This monster is bigger and scarier than all of the rest of them. He’s growling and snarling with his greenish-yellow teeth and beating a smaller, blue monster to a bloody pulp. You see the scarier one grab the blue guy by its neck, and you’re in shock. That’s the thing’s neck! The bigger monster then picks up the smaller one, and you think this might result in the small monster dying. You just keep thinking, “Oh no! Oh no! Oh God! This is bad! Oh no!”

sensing the cute girl's attention is waning, you pull a wallflower and lose her too. Back to kam's!

quick, a diversion! what can you do at this party that'll keep her attention? invite her to dance!

hey, social injustice counts for monsters too. better step in.

the pen is mightier than the sword? better use your perfect elocution to defend this monster.

Go to 6a

Go to 17a

Go to 18a

Go to 21c

16c

Smörgåsborgy

The mob looks as one to you for guidance - you can’t abandon them now. You give a rousing victory speech about how indecency and vulgarity have finally slain their ancient foes of moderation and discretion, of how this teeming mob of naked hormone-addled super-freaks is something more, something... eternal. The crowd is yours. You turn to your trusty deputies and give the marching orders. It’s orgy season in Chambana. The word is on everyone’s lips. Orgy. Murmured a thousand times across the quad, starting at the Union and rippling outward all the way to Foellinger before doubling back. Orgy. The mob, comprised of hundreds of naked Illini, breaks into a writhing pile of limbs, hair, sweat, and sin. Greek and GDI alike, hipsters with foreign exchange students; orgies don’t discriminate. However, it wasn’t all poking, prodding, fornicating and copulating. After all, you can’t make an orgy omelet without cracking a few eggs. The losses were substantial. The weak and frail fell to the bottom of the pit, crushed to death under the teeming masses above them. Suddenly, the campus is awash with red and blue flashing lights. Champaign cops, Campus cops, Urbana cops, State cops, every squad car on campus surrounds the orgy pit. Their fun sensors went off, alerting them that there was way too much good time having on the Quad and all units report immediately. But what about the girl?

luke skywalker rescued the girl. it was fun while it lasted; better so did indiana. george lucas, you make a run for it. wait! where are magnificent bastard! your pants? ah, forget 'em.

Go to 17b

Go to 24a

everyday you're stumbling

16d

You sprint back towards your room to find her. When you finally reach the doorway, you realize that the girl is nowhere to be found. She did, however, leave a note behind that reads, “Fuck you, I’m a yoga instructor, too.” Devastated, you cry for a half hour under your sheets and then try to find your new friends you met earlier. While you drunkenly stumble around the building you realize how incoherent you really are. The walk to this room begins to feel impossibly hard, and you are starting to think you just might not make it. A couple of random kids direct you down the hall and, after a pit stop to throw up in a nearby trashcan, you finally make it back to the party. When you peer in to see who is still in there, you see another RA writing up kids who were caught in the party. You know that if he sees you he will have you help clean up this massacre or even worse, report your ass to the authorities and have you fired. You make the quick decision to make a run for it to get the hell out of there. The night doesn’t have to end horrifically. You hightail it back to your room at warp speed. Rushing inside, you do your best "I'm not around" routine by locking the door and shutting off the lights. As you lay in bed counting backward from one million you promise yourself that you'll deny everything. No one has to know.

the end

www.theblacksheeponline.com

17a

dancing queen

You stammer to her, "Uh, let's, um, go dance?" On the dance floor you try to warn her that your dance moves come with a "PG-13" rating. You start off with some slow, promiscuous hip gyrations ala Elvis Presley. You whisper into her ear, "If we lived in the fifties and were being broadcasted on television, they would have to zoom in on my face in order to avoid offending conservative viewers!" She gives you a weird look; guess she's not a fan of Elvis. Next you move on to a nice smooth Dougie, perfected by watching every instructional video on Youtube, hoping to impress someone, some day. You can tell by the way she's smiling that she totally digs it. On second thought, maybe she's just laughing at you. Well, if she is going to laugh at you then why not go for gold? You bust out the big finale, the chicken dance, which is expertly implemented to prove to her that you don't take yourself too seriously and are an approachable guy. After that the next track comes up and it's "Thriller." The entire dance floor lets out an exacerbated cry as they realize that it's close to midnight, and something evil's lurking in the dark.

this video scared the poo out of you as a kid, better find a corner to stand in!

hey, you had to learn this dance for high school band. let's get zombie!

Go to 6a

Go to 22d

17c

porcelain woes

You figure, “Ah what the heck, I'm actually socializing with people outside of a classroom for once.” By this point people are taking pulls from the Everclear Nelson bottle and getting pretty rowdy. An attractive female specimen comes over to you and asks if you would like to do a shot off of her stomach. You try to politely decline, but some testosterone-ridden males behind you begin to chant your name and force you into doing it. As you begin to swallow the liquor, you can feel your gag reflex at work. You try to pinch your left thumb, but it's no use. You make it to the bathroom just in time to throw up the shot of Everclear. You should've known that was all just a cruel joke. Now you feel lamer than you've ever felt. You stay in the bathroom, clutching your porcelain friend. After about fifteen minutes, you hear a commotion going on outside the bathroom, so you open the door to take a peek. Suddenly everyone starts bolting out the door and running in each direction. When you look around to see what’s going on, you make eye contact with the other RA. She takes one look at your puke-covered shirt, and you know it's all over from there. There goes your job as an RA and therefore your scholarship to MIT. Game over.

the end

making chemistry

17b

You take your pretty lady over to the Chemistry Annex and tell her all about the secret tunnels underneath the building. Of course these tunnels aren’t particularly secret, but she’s never stepped foot inside the Chemistry Annex so your little white lie is certainly safe. You begin telling her all about the urban myth of the grave hidden in the tunnels, and she’s sufficiently creeped out. You take this opportunity to act as her protector, “Do not fear, my dear, I would never let anything in the world harm you.” She eyes your ropey arms and gets a look in her eye that you've never seen before. She presses you up against the wall, and it is on. She peels layer after layer of clothing off of you. Before long the two of you are passionately doing the nasty. Finally all your years of studying pornography (for science, of course) are paying off, and you’re making it with an attractive female instead of that bacne-covered chess player that you lost your virginity to. You do it in every position you can remember from the Kama Sutra and then a few more less-successful positions that you try to make up on the spot. You work it late into the night and eventually succumb to exhaustion. Sweet, blissful exhaustion.

the end blabber mouth

17d

You’ve lost all control. Word vomit starts flowing from your mouth hole. You can’t stop screaming about what has just happened, despite specific directions from the Chief. You tell the police everything - you even try to reenact the war dance to prove that you truly met him. The police are hardly amused. They check your vitals to try and establish whether or not you are on some sort of drugs, but once they decide that you’re fairly sober, they force you to take them into the tunnels and show them the door, the lights, the gold, and the Chief himself. You must once again traverse the perilous path you took to return to the tomb. When you get to the location, you come to find out that the door has disappeared. You look like such an idiot. You are immediately handcuffed, arrested, and forced to meet with the interim president of the university for a disciplinary hearing, who decides your transgressions merit expulsion. Not only will you never be trusted again for being the boy who cried Chief, but also you have to go home to your house in the Chicago suburbs and live with your parents again. No more crime alerts, chemistry labs, afternoon rides on the CUMTD, four-year building reconstructions, or your favorite dorm food. It’s the end of the world, basically, and it’s your big fat mouth’s fault. If only you were taught how to use your inside voice and to keep a secret.

the end

www.theblacksheeponline.com

18a a set of monster balls You are completely outraged by this occurrence. Just who does this monster think he is? You can’t just abuse others like that. Your blood is boiling around 1,000 degrees Kelvin which is basically magma; boy are you ever pissed. You can’t help but think of how much bullies ruin our society. Kids bring guns to school over things like this! You decide that you have to put this monster in its place. You yell at it to stop what it’s doing immediately. The monster, looking at you, starts laughing. It puts the other monster down and starts coming towards you. This is when you realize that you’re in deep trouble. You’ve never been in a fight with a human, let alone something that’s this massive. Sizing it up, you figure that this being is probably as large and ferocious as a tiger. Before you can give it too much thought, you throw your hardest sucker punch at the monster. As soon as you knock out the evil monster, other monsters gather around, and they all seem to be giving you dirty looks. You decide to ignore it, but then you hear a bunch of sirens. Cop cars are speeding up to you, and all of the monsters have become people. You see some chick passed out with a bloody nose, and you ask the guy next to you what happened. He calls you an asshole, and then a cop tackles you to the ground. Turns out the monster you punched was actually running to you for help, not for an attack. The cop starts handcuffing you and says you’re under arrest for assault and battery. Your mind is racing. There’s no way in hell you aren’t going to jail, and there goes that scholarship offer. Your mom is going to be so upset with you.

the end 18c

release the hounds

In a last ditch effort to impress the female, you challenge Brandon Paul to a mathoff. However, this backfires. Not only does Brandon Paul already have the higher ground, but also you look like a total square in front of the cute girl. She doesn’t want a man who knows the Gilbreath's Conjecture; she wants a physical specimen who can take it to the hoop. You start to shake from nerves, and the crowds on the balconies have gotten even rowdier. You decide you have nothing left to lose. You step up to Brandon Paul, place your hands on his chest, and try to shove him backwards. He doesn’t move. Though they've been watching from the sideline, you've stepped to one of their own, so the Goliath basketball players begin to get in your face, despite the fact that Brandon Paul could crush you under his foot by himself, if he so pleased. However, Brandon Paul decides to let his teammates finish you off. They turn you around, grab you by your favorite pair of whitey-tighteys, and lift you up. Meyers Leonard hangs you from the basket by your underwear while the balcony crowds go crazy. You hang from the rim for about eight seconds before your underwear rips, and you fall to the cement. As you lay on the ground sobbing in shame, the team and your girl walk away laughing. You go back to your dorm crying, and you make a note to call your mommy to send you some new whiteytighteys.

the end

without a condom

You and your newly acquired lady-friend walk into your room and push those day-old Bagel Bites off your bed. She shoves you on to your twin bed and begins removing your clothes, ripping apart your Spongebob underwear in the process. She suddenly stops, looks you straight in the eye and whispers, “Seriously though, do you have a condom?” "Oh jeeze!" you think to yourself as you look frantically around the room for some form of makeshift contraception. After considering an old sock and a plastic baggie as a substitute contraception device, you decide to ask your floormate, Kyle, if he has any. He always has females over. You tell your visibly bored lady pal to wait one moment and tip toe into the hallway. You awkwardly un-inside out your shirt and put your pants back on and reassure her twice more before heading down the hallway to knock on Kyle’s door. You can hear the sounds of panicked eighteen-year-olds hiding their alcohol and overturning their beer pong table; a sound you’re all too familiar with tonight, but not you don't care one bit. Without even allowing you to speak, Kyle’s drunken hand grasps your shoulder and pulls you forth as he proclaims, “Heyyy, it’s this guy!”

you push him away, "shut up, kyle. give me a condom or i'll write you up." he's back with a trojan in ten seconds.

he begs you to come in and have a few. hey, it's been a weird night. why not?

Go to 10a

Go to 19b

18b

www.theblacksheeponline.com

19a

sutherland style

19b

Festivities

Holy guacamole! Is that a real gun!? You've never seen someone shoot one in real life before, and you become paralyzed by fear. You immediately sober up out of your chemical high, recognize where you are, and remember that you have worked in this dining hall before. There is an exit that goes directly outside to your left at the front of the cafeteria, but realizing the average person has a reaction time of 1.7 seconds, you know that you would have less of a chance to make it out that way than Stan Lee would have of walking through Comic-Con without being swarmed. You remember a door that leads into the kitchen and then to a back door and out of the building. As the deranged gunman passes where you're sitting, you duck and begin walking very low, tiptoeing towards the door to the kitchen. You know this is finally your chance to do something truly exciting and worthwhile. As you creep up to the cute blonde, you tell her your plan, and she follows you.

Kyle has two 30 packs of Keystone Light, a couple handles of Admiral Nelson, and a fifth of Everclear. You've heard about parties like this before but have never been on the side that wasn't busting it, so you consider your nubile cherry popped. You decide to put aside your feelings of uncertainty and join them in the festivities.

You find the door into the kitchen and make sure she heads through first. You then quietly go through without being noticed. Once outside, you cannot believe you pulled that one off, and your knees shake as you breathe heavily and take a hit of your inhaler. The girl says, “To be honest, you were the last person I expected to help me. I feel like I owe you. How about we go back to your room, and I show you my appreciation?” You gladly lead her back to your place, but just before anything real gets started she asks if you have protection.

After a couple of games you begin to get the hang of it and finally sink a shot. While waiting for the next game, you venture off to go to the bathroom. When you walk into the men’s room, you see a guy throwing up in one of the stalls. Appalled by this behavior you ask yourself, “Why did I even come to this party in the first place? I don’t belong here.” You then realize you came to ask for a condom, so you could have intercourse with the cute girl who has been waiting in your room this entire time.

You casually begin to walk around and chat with all the other people there. Everyone seems pretty nice, and you aren’t having too bad of a time. A girl is even offering Jell-O shots. You are kind of confused why someone would serve dessert at a dorm party, but you enjoy Jell-O so you take one anyway. A few people then suggest a game of beer pong and you timidly decide to join them.

oblivious, you tell her you carry a rape whistle with you at all time. she laughs, you laugh and away we go.

you start hyperventaliating and pretend you didn't hear the question. everyone likes the strong, silent type.

you ask a glassy-eyed freshman for a condom. he happily obliges.

but hey, this past 30 minutes has quintupled your social output for the semester. what's another 10 minutes?

Go to 18c

Go to 22a

Go to 16d

Go to 17c

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21a

Just Playin' Some B-Ball Outside the School

You are wrong. On your first possession you have the ball stripped out of your hands, and Brandon Paul goes straight to the basket to throw it down with some serious tomahawk authority. On your next possession you pull up for a jump shot, and Brandon Paul smacks the ball right back into your face, giving you a bloody nose. You shake it off and keep playing. Brandon Paul crosses you up and takes to the basket for an easy lay-up. As you get up off your butt from the cross over, you notice crowds gathering on the balconies surrounding Frat Park. On Brandon Paul’s next possession he pulls up for a long 3-point shot right in your face. Not only does he get nothing but net, but the crowds on the balcony are also going crazy. Your embarrassment is almost complete. With Brandon Paul leading 20 to 0 he gives you free lay-up, making it 20 to 1. On his last play Brandon bounces the ball off your head for an ally-oop dunk to himself. Not only do you lose the game but also the cute girl’s respect. It looks like the College of Engineering doesn’t have all the answers.

the gaggle of gangly guys, and your girl walk away. you decide to go back to kam's to see what happens.

Go to 6a

21c

or does it? mathletes, don't abandon me now!

Go to 18b

nookie monster

Your mind starts racing about all of the terrible things that could happen here. What if these monsters kill each other? This monster’s life could be ruined forever. You decide that you have to do something to stop this situation from happening. You’re going to reach out to this monster. “Hey, wait a second,” you say to him. “I know you’re pissed off, but this isn’t the way. Just think about what you’re doing for a second here, man.” The monster starts yelling something that you can’t quite even make out, but you think the gist of it is, “Go fuck yourself, kid.” That’s it. Now you’re upset. You tried being nice to this stupid thing, and he tells you to go fuck yourself? No. Absolutely not. How could anyone be so disrespectful? “Hey, you think you’re really cool, man?” you ask him. “I bet you’re just sad and unhappy with your entire existence. You have to go beating on some poor defenseless monster to make yourself feel better. How would you feel if somebody was picking on you? Like what if I picked on you for your overly large size? You’d probably feel pretty bad, wouldn’t you?” The monster stops snarling, and you see a tear come into his eye. You decide to keep going. “You can’t just treat people like that. She has feelings too, ya know? I think you should say you’re sorry to her. That’s someone’s child!” The monsters turn into people, and the guy you just insulted runs away in tears. Everyone around starts cheering for you and saying that you’re the bee’s knees. This girl, who you apparently saved from that jerk, comes up to you and gives you a hug. She offers to do anything she can to repay you.

you tell her about your night and ask her if she's doing anything fun. she mentions a party and you agree to go.

you tell her she's really pretty and she smells nice. she asks you to go to her place.

Go to 17A

Go to 18C

doubled distracted

21d

You quickly make sure your hair is properly parted and stagger over to the cute blonde who caught your eye. She looks great; those green eyes, silky skin, and… Oh God, look at those boobs. They’re bigger than those one-liter beakers in the lab! She notices you’re staring but laughs it off and politely reaches out her hand. “Hi, I’m Chelsea.” You shake her hand and mumble, “I’m Dave. I’m a chemical engineer. I’ve never drank before…” Your voice starts to trail off along with your eyes, back down to her huge chest. She starts rambling on about her major and sorority, thinking you’re just a nice guy who wants a little conversation. But you want more than that. Your brain can only process one thing – well, two things. You barely raise your head to make eye contact. A slow smile creeps across your face, and you interrupt her. “You should… you should come home with me tonight.” You can hear your words slurring, but you keep on going. “You’re really pretty,” you creepily sway your finger at her. “And I want to do things…” Chelsea looks around for her friends while you start begging, “Just come back with me! I’m an RA, and I don’t have a roommate! Please make love with me!” She runs away, disgusted. Realizing you messed up your only chance to bang a hot chick, you keep drinking until everything gets fuzzy. A huge poo starts slipping out of your bum, and you’re incapable of stopping it, so you just let it happen. Seconds later you pass out on the beer-soaked floor.

the end

22a

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the rawest of dogs

Okay, calm down there; this girl wants to sleep with you. This makes sense, right? If saving someone’s life from a demented killer doesn’t qualify you for some action, then this just isn’t America. Your heart begins pounding like the drum of Chief Illiniwek himself as the moment of truth approaches. You draw in a ragged breath and sheepishly tell her that you don't have a condom. By great Illiniwek's headress she smiles at you, "That's okay; I'm on the pill." What an amazing turn of events! You take a moment to thank God for women’s rights and begin shedding all those confining clothes. After several awkward moments of undressing and only tripping over your pants three times, you finally flop on top of her and get down to business. Needless to say, all that action that just went down makes things a little slippery down there, but you manage to last for a solid three minutes before you pass out. You wake up the next morning to see the girl staring at you with a look of confusion on her face. “I think I lost my birth control,” she tells you. Uh oh, you grasp for your inhaler as your brain runs a mile a minute, but then you realize that they make an over-the-counter pill for just these types of situations! And the two of you head off to McKinley. Today everything’s going to work out great for everyone! Well... except for that embryo.

the end

escaping the tomb

22b

Getting back to the Quad is no small feat. As you struggle to crawl, the cylindrical vents morph into a whirlwind of chutes and slides, but not the fun kind. You must dodge protruding metal spikes and poisonous rats as you slide down this playground death trap. You emerge with only one 8-inch gash from your left testicle to your mid thigh. You decide your only option is to lie about your adventure, some fantastic story about cockatrices and hydras fighting in the back of the Main Stacks - you always knew your strong imagination from years of playing Dungeons & Dragons would pay off. As you emerge back onto the Quad, you spot a pack of bored police officers searching for and ticketing late-night love birds fornicating on benches throughout the dark, open space. They quickly spot you as you tumble out of the vents like a newborn giraffe emerges slimy and gasping for air from its mother's womb. They immediately question your motives behind exploring the vents. They threaten expulsion, which would really screw you. Even worse, they threaten to call your mom. Clearly your first instinct is to run. You map out the plan and decide you'll hide in the downstairs bathroom of the UGL. Nobody will spot you because you will disguise yourself in a shiny black puffer jacket, a Hello Kitty key chain, and a lit cigarette. Thinking more realistically you realize that you've never been the athletic type and that this plan is destined for failure. You begin to uncontrollably babble in a combination of SpanishEnglish-pig Latin-and Klingon. The police sit you down onto the dewy grass because they want some answers.

You decide that no dumb cops will be the first to hear of your incredible adventure, so you play nice with them for a bit.

oh god, not your mom! she'll never let you live this down. time to fess up.

Go to 10b

Go to 17d

zombie jackson

22d

You bust it out and start to do the “Thriller” dance. For the first time in your life you’re excelling at something outside of the classroom. You’re basically Michael Jackson reincarnated, and the entire room takes notice. They cheer you on when you clap over your head and slide your right leg back into position. You’re zombified, and the party is infected by your fun. A few people join in for the claw hands section, and you all finish admirably. Next, the song "Crank Dat" comes on. Although you remember vividly the high school jerks loving whatever song that is, you never had a chance to learn the dance (not nearly as many instructional videos on Youtube as the Dougie). You quietly refuse to do it, but the crowd is now in rabid dance frenzy. You spoiled them with your excellent rendition of “Thriller.” They begin to chant in unison, demanding that you dance for them. You are torn between admiration of the cohesion that the student body is capable of and an impending fear of having to perform a dance you haven't thoroughly studied.

you accept the challenge but fail immediately. you've lost the crowd.

you let discretion have its day and decide to pass on "cranking that," or whatever.

Go to 6A

Go to 9D

23a

life after chief

Once the group has finished their golden shower, the gravity of the situation hits everyone. You all swear to secrecy, vowing to never tell anyone what you’ve just seen. The group splits the money evenly, and you and your girl start to haul your share of the treasure out. Upon returning to the surface, you and your woman take half a dozen trips before finally getting your fifteen garbage bags filled with gold back to your dorm. You realize that despite your Mitt-level wealth, you still live in Scott Hall, and you still have finals coming up. Your sudden and absurd amount of wealth allows the two of you to drop out and live out the rest of your lives in perfect harmony. You are finally able to create that personal, transnational zip-line system you’ve been talking about since the two of you first met earlier that night.

live close live college

Your wedding takes place 50 feet up and at 90 miles per hour as you glide the hell out of Illinois and into any other state where you marriage tax is considerably lower. You and your wife decide to have a baby, and you pay Oprah enough money to be your surrogate to avoid the hassle, pain, and mess of an old-fashioned pregnancy. You decide on Oprah because, even though she has never actually had a child (that anyone knows about), you determine that her womb is as spacious as they come, and your child’s nine month stay will be as comfortable as is humanly possible. After years of insider-trading, you’ve finally earned enough money to buy the television show MythBusters. You host the series finale where you finally bust the myth that money can’t buy happiness.

the end 23b

the wolves descend

You call the ambulance. You’re starting to feel a little woozy, and the last thing you want is to pass out. Who knows what would happen to your body abandoned out here in the wilderness? A pack of wolves might come out from the ARC and start gnawing on your lifeless corpse. You start seeing wolves coming down the road. You blink really fast. They’re gone. Oh God, you’re really starting to freak out. Now you keep seeing that image of three wolves howling at the moon all over the walls of the Six-Pack. All of a sudden there’s a tap on your shoulder. It’s the paramedics. Now you’re really losing it. You begin to panic and out comes the word vomit. You start insisting that you’re fine; you just need to “get rid of these wolves.” The paramedics become suspicious that you’re a meth head who accidentally called the cops on himself. They mention some code number on their walkie-talkies (which look like hot dogs to you), and a few campus police show up. They take out their handcuffs. “I’m sorry sir, but we’re going to have to take you in. We suspect that you are under heavy influence of drugs.”

close to campus + private bedrooms + individual leases

A criminal record!? You just got a flashback from when you read the entire Student Handbook freshman year: “In the event that a student with an academic scholarship goes to jail or obtains any criminal record, that student will lose his or her academic scholarship.” Well, that’s the end of your achievements. Your parents are going to kill you!

the end

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24a threat level: helicopter

oops... looks like you don' died.

24b

5A: You’ve decided to lie down and clear your head, but things get weird in a hurry. Little Debbie You sprint like a madman across the Quad, your penis helicoptering out of control, and duck into Gregory Hall. You hide in the men’s room for twenty minutes, waiting for the heat to die down. You have no idea how much time has passed because you’re still buck naked and your phone is still in its holster on your jeans out on the Quad. However, it feels like enough time has passed since you were able to remember up to the 57th digit of Pi, so you hype yourself up to make the mad dash to your dorm. Just a few blocks, you’ll be running so fast no one will be able to see you anyways. All you have to do is go back to your room, get some new clothes and then head back out to find your belongings. Three… Two… One. Go! You explode out the door and jump over the stairs and land out on Wright St. Right in front of a police car. “Freeze!” Gosh darn it. You put your hands in the air and let your privates dangle precariously in front of the officer. Humiliation is your middle name. The officer chuckles at you and makes comments like, “It’s a bit chilly out tonight, huh?” as he cuffs you. Looks like your night is over.

hops off a box of Oatmeal Cream Pies and begins rubbing your back. Soon enough the Morton Salt girl joins her. Yep, two of the cleaning bottles contained bleach and ammonia. The liquids mixed, producing a noxious chlorine gas. The room gets dimmer and dimmer. Darkness envelops. You’re dead.

7A: You tap him on the shoulder, he twitches. You spit out a quick "Hey!" as he sneers with disgust. "I'm David, I think you're a student on my floor." You're trying to engage him, but he's looking like he's going to explode. "Oh, I know who you are, David," he mutters, "You're a sheep just like the rest. I'm sick of seeing you. Actually, how about we take care of that?"

8A: Bravery has always been looked upon proudly by men; however, only when bravery is necessary.

You had $14.00 in your wallet and it has gotten you beaten to a pulp. You lay in a ditch on the side of Vine St. as your body expells liter after liter of blood. In your final minutes before you completely bleed out, you wonder if they’re treating your dear Siri okay. They aren’t.

9A: Oh no! What are you going to do now? The Pythagorean Theorem, Diablo II—none of it prepared you for this. You duck under your table, observing your surroundings. To your left you see a window and sweet freedom just beyond. But what about the others!? Screw ‘em.

BANG! A large metal tray falls to the ground, startling you as a brave negotiator begins to get the gunman to back down. Mistaking the sound for a gunshot, you throw your hands in the air and run to the window like a girl. You get shot. You're dead. Coward.

the end

15C:

Lord only knows why you accepted a strange substance from some insane, horrifying monsters. That was a lot of heroin you just snorted. Congratualtions on being very dead, you overdosed wreck.

the end