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The Black Sheep

The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 20, Issue 12 4/11/12 - 4/18/12

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Proof that Facebook Is an Evil Super Villain Landon Mills wrote this

This is an urgent warning to anyone who still has not accepted the Facebook Timeline invite. So you're sick of hearing about Timeline or people bitching about Timeline, right? Well, that's too bad – because Facebook is an evil super villain that’s not going anywhere. It wants to make you suffer while you're tied to that chair in its evil secret lair. Seriously, just try to escape. It's impossible. Sure, you might deactivate the Timeline for a little while, but in a month or two you’ll be right back to where you are now. Think about it, Facebook insists on making this huge announcement on something that’s really no more than a few subtle changes in style and format. A much simpler and smoother approach would have been to go ahead and make the changes over a few months without telling anyone. This way, only the most anal retentive of people would have noticed. Then again, what’s a super villain without a lengthy and arrogant monologue that details his entire evil plot? For instance, one day they could have just told you something about how, “You can now customize your page with a large photo across your wall’s heading!” But instead they hold you at gunpoint while listing off their demands. “Pick a cover photo. I now contractually own you. Anything emanating from your Timeline cannot be used without the express written consent of Facebook, sucker.” Further fitting the profile of a psychotic evil genius, Facebook puts the remote detonator in your hand. It then tells you the bomb is going to go off eventually, regardless of whether or not you push the button. Just click the button and end your suffering already. Messing with you on an even deeper psychological level, Facebook has colored the button at the top of your wall an inviting shade of green. It’s banking on the notion that anything green is obviously good. The only exceptions being mold, the Green Lantern and Green Hornet movies, and everything in a Mucinex-D commercial. Facebook has essentially started using psychological warfare tactics for making you choose when to throw your life away. Facebook loves watching you sweat. So much so that, as it’s poking at your fresh bullet wounds with a stick, it lets you know that the Timeline has a beeping countdown sequence by posting a vague “Coming Soon” warning. Facebook loves

watching you squirm. So much so that it hides the actual numbers on the timer. You’re forced to sit there and listen as the beeping rapidly increases… before curiously stopping… and then picking up again. Facebook grins at your attempts to figure out the completely random beeping pattern that’s really just Jerry Springer reruns playing in the next room. Facebook laughs at your petty attempts to resist spilling the beans. It tells you that you’ll talk sooner or later, and that you haven’t even seen half of what it has to offer. Go ahead; tell your story. Fill Facebook in on all the little details of your life that happened before it was corrupted by Facebook’s deceitful ways. Yes, every bit of personal information. Don’t worry, it’s not like Facebook has the rights

to all of the data on its site or anything. Oh, wait. It could care less whether you actually know anything important or not. It’s going to keep acting like you’re withholding something and then try relentlessly to expose it. It already knows most of your weaknesses—your “Likes and Interests”—so you might as well just go right ahead and tell it the rest. It’s going to share the information with big corporations, allowing them to spam the living hell out of your Timeline with advertisements that will be so relevant to your “Interests” that you won’t be able to resist. “Tell your story,” is internet for, “Talk, motherfucker!” If you consider yourself a strong one, no matter. If you’re not going to comply, Facebook’s just going to go for your

continued on page 19

Other stuff

Inside

A report from the field, man. see page 6

We get the straight poop on the crap you see when you’re taking a shit.

when men of the sea stop being polite and start being stereotypical.

see page 10

see page 18

Doritos Locos Taco Alienates Even Stoners Bathroom Graffiti: What are they thinking O Captain! My Captain!

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Table of > > >

PAGE 5 >>

PAGE 7 >>

Sex and the CU

page 9 >>

The Treasure Chest of Bar Lost and Founds

page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

What Your Blowjob Technique Says About You.

Internshit: A Poem

Only we could write something so beautiful, true and moving.

These polar opposite hotties are both cool and hot.

Don’t even ask, your dignity isn’t in there.

page 8 >>

UnPinterested

page 9>>

The Black Sheep Interviews: page 18 >> The Top Ten Things to do in Your Cap and Francesco Maranto Gown

The people that make us say no to the latest social media craze.

contents

page 17 >> Booze Review

Sugar cookie vodka, just like momma used to make it.

Like 90s music? You’ll love this guy.

PAGE 9 >>

From The Streets

What celebrity would you most want to take a body shot off of?

Junior Takes Pledge page 23 >> UIUC A young man promises to ven-

ture where no student has gone before.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen Eric Blokel distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Landon Mills Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Michael Rottar | Alexander Dimaris Colin O'Keefe | Ashley Perl

pr manageRs Abbie Welch & Ken Halvachs photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page four

pic of the week >>> the best things in life are free.

the second best are cheap drinks. download our free app for iphone and android spend less. get more. what's not to love?

Dude...stop sippin' and toss it back!

Search: Black Sheep Mobile got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really. pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Think your caption is good enough for Page Four? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

caption@theblacksheeponline.com

sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers Alison Brie & Vincent Cassel

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Absduction

Saran Fan I

Harm Enjoy

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

The alarming disappearance of a fat-come-recently-fit person amongst their group of fat loser friends. Pat’s absduction was swift, after he lost weight he spent much more time in pussy than in the gaming room.

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SEX

What Your Blow Job Technique Says about You

and the Cu

Carly Anne wrote this

Every girl has a few tricks up her sleeve to make her blowjob unique and unforgettable for her man. Find out what your secret moves say about your personality, as I break each nuance down into completely generic statements that could happily apply to just about anyone.

Slow and Steady: You take your sweet time while working your man. You remind him how huge he is by taking an eternity to get your lips to the base of his cock. You’re titillating and great at keeping secrets. You’re fairly introverted and smart as all get-out. You’re the sensual tiger waiting to pounce on her mate.

Hot and Ready: You take off like a red rocket when pleasing your man. You go for it straight from the start and never take a break until the job is finished. You’re a real go-getter. You’re the kind of gal who takes the lead. You hate to procrastinate in anything, and you’re often the one to make plans with your friends or choose where to go for dates. You’re a tiger on the prowl.

Deep Throater: Your throat knows no limits. You are a champion. You have always been able to push yourself far beyond any limits anyone had ever set for you. Dreaming big isn’t where it stops for you; you’re ambitious and you plan to have it all, and dammit you will. You’re the tiger fresh from the kill.

Fondling the Boys: When going down town on your man you never forget the boys in back. Whether it’s pausing to give them a little lick, dip in your mouth, or light cupping, you pay close attention to his nuggets. You’re a real caretaker. You pay attention to the little details in things. Forgetting to thank the chef or send out thank you cards after a party has never been an issue for you. You’re the one to make sure that the kid who’s always left out is never alone around you. You’re a momma tiger tending to her kittens. Licking Lollipop: You take big long licks of your man’s dick, and rub his tip across your lips while locking eyes. You sexual vixen, you. You thrive in spotlight and love nothing more than having all attention on you. Having others dote on you is a dream of yours; you’re royalty and should be treated as such. You’re always hot to the touch and have a sex drive bigger than any one man could handle. You are the regal tiger.

Spitter: At the end of the deed you fill your mouth and find the nearest receptacle to dispose of it. You’re a naïve little thing. Your innocence tends to lead you into trouble, but it’s also exactly what gets you out of trouble. That or you’re just super squeamish when it comes to textures or a particularly salty residue. You are the newborn tiger, just opening your eyes to the world. Swallower: When a man gives you that rub on the top of your head to let you know he’s ready to go, you indulge him and gulp it down. You never lose your cool, and you do what needs to be done at all times. You’re a tiger who provides. With a Little Teeth: You playfully bite your man’s member and nibble away like a rabbit on a carrot. You’re a vindictive bitch. Unless your guy is in to some S&M, then you need to cut that shit out. Seriously. You’re the tiger that mauled Roy at the Vegas show.

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There you have it tigerladies, your personality whittled down to the bare boner of it all.

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Taco Bell’s Doritos locos Taco Manages to Even Alienate Stoners

Benny Boy wrote this

Taco Bell has always been an establishment that prides itself on thinking outside the bun by creating and selling interesting taco concoctions. The cheesy and saucy products, which Taco Bell sells, have developed a reputation for attracting herds of stoners to each location. From a marketing standpoint, the people at Taco Bell can certainly be seen as modern day geniuses. Potheads represent one of the largest untapped minorities in big business. Most companies, through drug testing of employees and drug awareness sponsorships, choose to take strong stances against drug use. Taco Bell, on the other hand, welcomes them with open arms. Taco Bell had the agency to recognize that the only thing potheads want are fried food stuffs drenched in cheese, sold at a low cost, and served in a warm, friendly, south-of-the-border atmosphere. In the beginning, the Taco Bell Corporation was comprised of nothing but two Mexican-American men who got stoned every day and sold quesadillas out of their truck. One day, while burning a half-O double blunt of Afghan Kush, the two men decided to focus their company image on stoners exclusively. They developed a vaguely philosophical slogan, “Think outside the bun,” and, in one of the most genius moves in American business history, invented an anthropomorphic talking dog to sell their products, based on every stoner’s love for movies like Air Bud (heh, bud) and The Fox and The Hound. Ever since the phrase “Yo quiero Taco Bell” was burned into the American psyche by a talking Chihuahua, the Taco Bell Corporation has become a safe haven for stoners across the country. However, the success streak for Taco Bell has finally reached its end-times with the introduction of the Dorito Taco. The Dorito Taco is exactly as it sounds: A taco with a Dorito shell. While on paper this seems like another genius idea, its application has been one of the most devastating things to stoners and Taco Bell as a company. “Before today, I was completely satisfied with my life. I went to college and got a degree in business. I have been working a stable job at a company that respects me and pays me well. I enjoy getting stoned in the evenings and on weekends. I have many friends, and everything is going as I have planned. But as I hold this Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco in my hand, all I can think is, ‘What has my life become?’ I have wasted my life.” Iris, a 24-year-old Taco Bell patient, spoke these words. He’s not the first person who has had this reaction to holding the Doritos Locos Taco, and he won’t be the last. After sitting in this Taco Bell for about an hour, we have witnessed dozens of young people order Doritos Locos Tacos, take a bite, and then solemnly reflect in how marijuana has ruined their lives. “I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger. Now low-grade tacos wrapped in artificially flavored tortilla chips are the only things to excite me. I have wasted my childhood.” The same thing is seen and heard again and again. Taco Bell, a company that was partially responsible for the upsurge in marijuana users throughout the nineties and the aughts, has effectively become one of the major forces in drug prevention and awareness. Police officers now visit junior highs armed with Doritos Locos Tacos, warning kids that if they try marijuana, even once, they will be the only thing to look forward to in their futures. The future seems pretty bleak for Taco Bell, as stoners across the country are putting aside their drug-rugs and hacky-sacks to pursue lives of knowledge and responsibility. For the antidrug lobby, the Doritos Locos Taco has been the wake-up call to this country’s youth that was direly needed. However, Taco Bell seems optimistic, saying in a statement to their stockholders, “I think we are all grossly under-estimating the power of Cool Ranch Doritos. Not to give anything away, but we will once again have the stoners flocking towards us.”

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The Treasure Chest of Bar Lost and Founds Gracecar wrote this It’s that time, ten minutes till close, and the crowd is starting to thin out. The last few people consist of the most substantially belligerent, the most sober, the caretaker to their drunken friends, the freshman that is proud that he finally didn’t get caught for only being eighteen years old, and of course, the staff – aka you. You’re new, which means that you don’t get to flirt with the blonde bartender after bar close and immediately go to after hours. Instead, you have to stay and clean. Cleaning a bar is nothing like cleaning a restaurant or cleaning your room. Bars are where love connections are made, fights are started, friends become bang buddies, and girls get so drunk that they fall asleep while pooping in the bathroom. The lost and found at a college bar doesn’t just have a jacket and someone’s lost camera in it, it’s where lost items go to die. With five minutes until close, the lights have been turned on, and people start to slink out as they realize that the girl they’ve been making out with looks like Joakim Noah. After kicking everyone out it’s finally time to clean. During a quick walk around the bar you’ve noticed that this night is messier than ever. Right away you’ve found two Samsung Slyde phones. These are the people that lose their phone every time that they go out, so the staff knows these phones by name, and you’ll see the owners tomorrow. Going into the booths is always a bonus. Drunken girls

congregate in booths, whether it be to climb on top and show their best strippers moves or to huddle together to cry about seeing their ex-boyfriends. Without question, one of these girls leaves her purse in the booth. Forgetting your purse at a bar means losing your phone, camera, wallet, perfume, hairbrush, mustache comb, spermicidal lube, and finger vibrator all in one shot. You can be sure she’ll be back, unless she’s too embarrassed. Sometimes it’s better to just cancel your credit card, you know? On the outdoor patio you’ll find some high heels and a pair of underwear. You thought it was too chilly and that nobody would be venturing outside that night, but apparently two idiots couldn’t wait to get back to the Six Pack to have some nice unprotected sex. Just kidding, you found the condom too. Poor guy. It’s now twenty minutes after bar close, and you know you have to face the worst part of it all: the bathrooms. The women’s bathroom is what turned you gay. You’ve seen what kind of damage they can do. Whoever said girls don’t poop, puke, or pass out must have spent his entire life like a celibate and sober chump. Not only are the toilets clogged, but there is puke all over the sink, toilet paper thrown around like some damn streamers, and there’s a passed out girl in the last stall that you are glad you found, as you aren’t too sure if she’s still breathing. As you look up, you see that the ceiling is covered in blue. Great, another girl fight with

drink throwing. In some final booths you find a few packets of roofies, I guess that explains the drunk girl. The amount of money lying around is unbelievable. It’s like these people just come here to throw their cash around for no good reason. Behind the bar there are unclosed tabs of $200 and broken beer bottles. You might have gotten punched in the face today but hey, it’s all in a days work.

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Unpinterested Hannah Johnson wrote this

Pinterest is a social media site that allows you to make a picture collection of things that interest you. Well, at least that’s how it was intended to work. In actuality, it has become a website that just verifies how fat, ugly, and super uncreative you are. The reason for this is because women dominate Pinterest. These aren’t just ordinary women, either. These ladies are very specific characters that you will only find on Pinterest. To give you an idea of whom you should be steering clear from, here are a few examples of the kind of girls that inhabit this worldwide wasteland. The Fake Fitness Freak: These are the girls that are constantly pinning things to do with exercise. They will commonly post inspirational posters that say things like, “You said tomorrow yesterday,” or, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels,” making all their friends feel terrible about themselves for never working out. The ironic thing here is that while they posted the motivational quotes, they were actually sitting on their ass eating a dozen donuts. The Animal Lover: Only this female could make looking at a picture of a cute puppy complete and utter torture. They do this by taking 7.8 billion photos of the same dog and then adding pathetic captions to each one. The captions range from cutesy baby talk to desperate pleas for someone to buy them a dog because life would simply be incomplete without him. Well, sorry to break it to you this way, but you’re never going to get that dog. This is for the best, though, because you would forget about him like you did everything else in your life since you discovered Pinterest.

The Do-It-Yourself Girl: This is the girl who pins things like, “How to make a doily for your coffee table,” or, “Repurpose your old t-shirts and make an afghan.” Why would you bother pinning something that only appeals to 97-year-old women? The last time I checked, my great grandma doesn’t know how to use a computer, and I’m pretty sure her friends in the nursing home don’t, either. The Fashion Fanatic: Everyone has that one friend who is obsessed with clothes. Now imagine that girl on Pinterest. She’s the girl who takes this as an opportunity to create an online wardrobe of super expensive name brand clothes that no one could ever afford. This is so the internet world will assume that she is very stylish and only wears the best of the best in real life. But in reality the only thing she wears is yoga pants and baggy-ass t-shirts, because why bother putting yourself together when your day consists of making an online closet of items you'll never actually own? The Lonely Wedding Planner: These ladies are, oddly enough, almost always single. But apparently you don’t need a significant other to start planning your wedding anymore. You can just go on your first date and talk about all the things you found on Pinterest like color schemes, dresses, rings, flowers, table decorations, etc. That wedding is practically already planned. She just screams second date material. Those of you who are guilty of sucking all the fun out of Pinterest – I’m pretty sure I failed to get any point across to you because in order to inform you of the problem would require you to get off Pinterest and pick up a newspaper. Yeah, that’s not happening anytime soon.

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From 'da Streets

the black sheep Interviews: Francesco Maranto

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What celebrity would you most want to take a body shot off of?

mike benson wrote this This Thursday, April 12, The Canopy Club is hosting Throwback Thursday, in which 90s music video hits, from Nirvana to Biggie, will be played on Canopy’s giant screens. The Black Sheep interviewed Francesco Maranto, the host and mastermind of this Throwback Thursday, to get a sneak peak at the event and to test him on his 90s music cred. The Black Sheep: First tell us a little about yourself. How long have you been making/playing music? Francesco Maranto: I have been really interested in music since I could remember, spending every moment I could with my headphones glued to my ears lugging around my (now prehistoric) CD player everywhere I went. TBS: This week for Throwback Thursday you are doing quite an interesting show involving video screens and 90s music videos. Can you tell us a little bit about your inspiration for the show and what to expect when we get there? FM: We've all been to some type of 90s night during our years here on campus, and in my experience, the music really hits home and brings me back to my roots. Everyone seems to have a really great time listening to the music they grew up with, no matter how guilty they feel about jumping up and down to the Backstreet Boys when they think no one is looking. TBS: While the show is going to be comprised of classic 90s music we are all familiar with, do you include any of your own music and influence into the show/songs? Any original remixes? FM: I like to keep songs the way we remember them. The best part about sticking to an entire decade of music is that there are too many good songs to play so there really is no need for remixes and mash-ups. My only influence on the show is the wide variety of artists that will be represented. This means playing everything from Biggie to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Eminem, Beastie Boys...there's too many to list! TBS: Tell us a bit about some of you musical influences and also a bit about your creative process. Do you write original compositions, or do you mainly focus on mixing and DJing? FM: There really isn't much to the "creative process". I just let the music do all the work! When the crowd gets really excited after the next song starts to play, I know that I'm doing my job.

"Will Ferrell, because I enjoy picking hair out of my teeth." - Brandy B., Senior

for the show. What does it take to put on a show like this? FM: Besides having two huge projectors in the club to play the videos on, the rest of what I use is really basic equipment. A simple audio controller to tweak the sound and transition between songs, and a laptop full of 90s nostalgia! TBS: Being that this show will be comprised of classic 90’s music, you have to tell us some of your favorite 90s artists. Any guilty pleasures? FM: I have a really eclectic taste when it comes to music. If I had to pick a few favorites, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Notorious B.I.G., Nirvana, and Eminem are some of my favorites. As far as guilty pleasures go...I may or may not have made a few CDs with some Sisquo and Marky Mark hidden at the end... TBS: What are your plans for the future? Any projects in the works for after this Thursday? FM: Working for a music venue has been a really great experience. I would love to find a job in the entertainment industry in the future. Nothing is more rewarding than seeing people having a great time and knowing that you had a part in making that possible.

"Kendra Wilkinson. If I had to do a body shot on a girl, it'd better be a hot one like a Playboy bunny." - Nichole R., Senior

TBS: If you could work with any musician or entertainer, alive or dead, who would it be and why? FM: Bob Marley. Marley had a really great gift. He understood just how powerful music was, and used it as a medium to communicate his message in a way that language alone will never achieve. Throwback Thursday is the first event in The Black Sheep’s Boozapalooza, a concert series The Black Sheep is hosting at The Canopy Club. We have many great shows lined up in the weeks to come, so get on down to The Canopy Club for some good music. Also, keep an eye out for upcoming The Black Sheep events, where we will be passing out tickets to upcoming shows.

TBS: Tell us a bit about the equipment you’re gonna use

Internshit, a Poem By Rottar As summer approaches I feel even more stressed, So I drink lots of booze, Captain Morgan’s the best.

I’d bend over backwards, I’d keep a good pace, I would even let you Take it to my face.

I’d run around the office To go and make copies. I’d scrub out the urinals, Just try and stop me.

I’d take the blame, And my lips would be zipped, All of this if You gave me an internshit

But blacking out Won’t help me one bit In finding myself An internshit.

To get you your breakfast Every morning at nine, You could go in the back, I wouldn't even whine.

I’d keep my calm, I wouldn’t flip, So I can brag to my friends About my internshit.

I’d do all of these things To make my resume shine, I’d put in long hours Until I didn’t know the time.

I would stroke the shaft And gobble the sack To bring you some coffee, No sugar, straight black.

I wouldn’t protest, I’d do all of it, All for the chance At an internshit.

If you screwed up , And your boss got mad, You could blame me, the intern, To take the fall I’d be glad.

So when job interviews come And in corporate offices I sit, I can smile and say, “Yes, I had an internshit!”

"I don't always take body shots, but when I do I prefer them off the most interesting man alive." - Nicole Y., Senior

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Bathroom Graffiti: What are they thinking? Slangster Gangster wrote this If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that we all love having something to read while sitting on the pooper. There’s nothing better to read than the insane, nonsensical things people write on bathroom stalls. The strange phenomenon is more commonly known as bathroom graffiti. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading this crap, but I have to wonder what in holy hell is wrong with the people that write these things. I set out to find the best bathroom graffiti on campus, and here are some of the things I found: Undergraduate Library: In one of the stalls there’s a charming little picture of a man in a Bob Marley-style Rasta hat. The little figure is holding a stick-like object in his hand, and the caption of this photo reads, “Da Blunt Man!” Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand why most people would be excited about a “Blunt Man,” but who’s sitting on the crapper drawing these pictures? It’s quite clear that this person doesn’t have enough fiber in her diet. You shouldn’t have enough time to draw high figurines while you’re taking a dump. Also, you’re at the damn library. There’s a time and place to be excited about blunts, and it isn’t while studying. The other gem found at the UGL is a small doodle that simply says, “You’re beautiful.” The person that wrote that is a bit of a pervert. Nobody is beautiful while they’re trying to take a dump. Imagine your terrible shitting experiences: You’re sitting there, and the turd just won’t come out, so you just keep pushing and pushing. After too much pushing, you’re probably starting to sweat a little bit while rocking back and forth to get this thing out of your colon. Do you really think anyone looks beautiful while doing that? Hell no. It’s almost insulting to suggest it.

The English Building: Few students on this campus are stranger than those of us who study English, and that’s easily proven through the graffiti in the stalls at the English Building. One stall reads, “We are all subversives <3.” Really? We’re all trying to overthrow the government? Try again, freshman Rhetoric 105 student. Near that idiotic statement is another one that reads, “I jump every time, hoping you’ll catch me. You never do. One day, I’ll learn to fly on my own. But I don’t want to.” Uh huh…gee, I wonder why he isn’t catching you. Maybe it’s something having to do with your less than stellar poetry writing in bathroom stalls? A word to the wise person that wrote this one: Stop trying to jump if you “can’t fly on your own.” Sit the next couple plays out, sweetheart. Murphy’s Pub: The cleaning staff at Murphy’s does not care at all about trying to clean off graffiti, because there’s a ton of it there. In one stall someone wrote, “Ah! Creativity isn’t working right now. Feed brain sleep and…” and from there it’s unreadable. If your creativity is lacking, why the hell are you wasting my time by writing anything? Now that I think of it, bathroom graffiti is beginning to seem more and more like melodramatic Facebook updates. Also, get better hand writing, ass. At Murphy’s there are even phone numbers on the stalls, this is puzzling to say the least. Who are you really expecting to call you other than drunkards at two in the morning? Do you hate yourself that much? The best thing written in Murphy’s bathroom is the phrase, “Disregard women, and acquire currency.” In other words, fuck bitches, get money. While ridiculous and idiotic, bathroom graffiti can also be quite entertaining. Take this article to the bathroom with you just in case you stumble upon a stall with clean walls.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 FRIDAY: Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 BURGERS $5 Wings & Fries $3 Porch Steps $3 Jager Bombs $2 Bud Light Tallboys

MONDAY: 80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

BUCKETHEAD and THAT 1 GUY (Early Show!) BREAK SCIENCE and GRAMATIK (Late Show!)

$2 Absolut Vodka $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 4/12

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

THROWBACK THURSDAY 90s Music Video Night! Come watch all your favorite 90s music videos on our big screen! No Cover! $2 Gin & Juice

featuring Wells & Bud Light Bottles

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FRI 4/13

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers

I COULD BE YOUR JACK DAWSON (Early Show!)

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 BURGERS $5 Wings & Fries $3 Porch Steps $3 Jager Bombs $2 Bud Light Tallboys

Kilborn Alley Live at 10PM!

SAT 4/14

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SPRING URBANITE 2012: Dance 2 X S

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

The Hathaways Record Release Show! Special Guests Evil Tents and That's No Moon

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

SPECIAL NIGHT WED 4/11

King of the Wings Contest Every Wednesday in April at 9pm Go Big or Go Home Fri & Sat $5 14oz. Doubles of Three Olives (Fri) & Bacardi (Sat) $3.50 22oz. Stadium Cup Bud Light Taps 15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

THROWBACK THURSDAY 90s Music Video Night! Come watch all your favorite 90s music videos on our big screen! No Cover! $2 Gin & Juice

STEPDOWN 2012: Pretty Nasty Party (Late Show!)

$2 U Call It

$3 EVERYTHING ELSE

SUN 4/15

Closed

** CLOSED **

MON 4/16

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

Dance or Die Tour featuring ROBBIE RIVERA with BASS JACKERS and PEACE TREATY

$1 WELLS

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

TUES 4/17

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Come out early for James Moore! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

WED 4/18

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

$2 Absolut Vodka $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

Earth Day Benefit Concert with THE RAGBIRDS and JAIK WILLIS and THE DIVIDE

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Green Street Café

SPECIAL NIGHT

TH: BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Game 1 vs Phoenix - 9pm Red Beer in Honor of the Hawks! Bulls vs Heat 7pm $2.50 Jameson, $2.50 Bud Lt. $3 Vegas Bombs

WED 4/11

35 E. Green Street

MINUTE TO WIN IT - 11 PM Win a Jack Daniels Bags Set $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo, $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

THURSDAY MONDAY: $4 Pitchers Miller Lite $3 Jameson or Bud Light $2 Coors Light Night $2Special Domestic Bottles and Miller Light Draft Happy Hour $1and off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) 6-8 every(After day. $3 Imports Specialty 1/2 Offfrom Apps 5pm) Free pool during hour!!! Beers | $3happy Doctors $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich 35 E. Green Street

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

FRIDAY: DJ Delayney Spinning the Best $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

WED 4/11: Joe's BIKINI CONTEST! Win $1,000 CASH JoesBrewery.com for more info!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

Joe's Bikini Contest! $1000 Grand Prize! No Cover w/ Beach Gear!

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

HAWKS PLAYOFFS 9PM! 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

DJ Delayney (Late) $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

CUBS/CARDS 2PM! $7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

THURS 4/12

BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Game 1 vs Phoenix - 9pm Red Beer in Honor of the Hawks! Bulls vs Heat 7pm $2.50 Jameson, $2.50 Bud Lt. $3 Vegas Bombs

$1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Drinks

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

FRI 4/13

Cubs vs Cardinals 2pm WIN CUBS TICKETS! $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries

$2 Blue Moon $3 Strong Island $4 Double Vodka Drinks

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

SAT 4/14

BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Game 2 vs Phoenix - 9pm Red Bud Light Beer on Tap! You Keep the Hawks Pint Glass Special! $3 Bacardi

$3 Wells $4 Guinness Bottles $5 Double Whiskey Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch Every Hawks and Bulls Playoff Game Here!

SUN 4/15

Cubs vs Cardinals 1pm Bulls vs Pistons 4pm $2 EVERYTHING $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Watch Cubs and Cards in the Beer Garden! $4 Cups of Shots

MON 4/16

Bulls vs Wizards 7pm $1 DRAFTS $10 HYDRANTS! Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$5 High Life Pitchers $1 Wells 8-12 $4 Pizzas and $0.50 Slices

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

TUES 4/17

BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Game 3 vs Phoenix - 8pm Red Bud Light Beer on Tap! Cubs vs Marlins 6pm Win Tix! $2 Wells, $2 Captain $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2.99 Ch. Burger/Chips 4-10pm

$4 Corona $2 Tequila Shots $1 Wells $3 Double Vodkas

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Closed for Private Party

Hawks at 8PM and 8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

WED 4/18

$3 Strong Islands

Cubs vs Marlins 6pm Bulls vs Charlotte 6pm MINUTE TO WIN IT - 11 PM $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo, $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

VANATTICA at 9PM! Doors Open at 7PM! DJ and Dancing (Late)

HAWKS AT 9PM! $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN SUN: Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

TUESDAY: $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

SPECIAL NIGHT

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic Pitchers

WED 4/11

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Hawks Playoffs at 9PM & KLUB KAM’S w/ DJ Jay LaVitola Win a UV Bike! $2 UV Blue Guys $2 Lite and Coors Light $2.50 Traders and Revel Stoke $1 Rolling Rock & HL Bottles

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

THURS 4/12

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Dance Party w/ DJ John Han $2.00 Cuervo Drinks Cuervo Girls $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

FRI 4/13

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

4 Rebels Vodka Presents CHICAGOLAND DJ BUDDAH $3.00 4 Rebel Drinks Hawks at 9PM!

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs $3 Any Bacardi Bomb $3 Bud Light Bottles

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

SAT 4/14

Closed

SUN 4/15 MON 4/16

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

SATURDAY: 4 Rebels Vodka Presents CHICAGOLAND DJ BUDDAH $3.00 4 Rebel Drinks Hawks at 9PM!

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the DJ’s $1000.00 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

MONDAY:

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS MONDAY $1 Fatty Bottles $1 Wells, $2 Energy $3 Pitchers!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Kam’s Kountry Kalendar Kontest Who will make it on the Calendar? $3.50 Double Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

$4 Long Island Iced Teas

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the DJ’s $1000.00 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

$2 Drafts

WED 4/18

Closed

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

TUES 4/17

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

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Bartenders

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Week

of the

Emily Haberkorn Brother’s

Major: Elementary Education Relationship Status: DTF When was the last time you drank yourself to oblivion: April 4th, it’s my birthday. Favorite late night food: Qdoba Best part about working at Brother’s: All the singles I get to use at the strip club later. Would you rather get a mustache ride from Hitler or Hulk Hogan: Hulk Hogan. Nickname: Whatever you want it to be. Worst part of bartending: Not being able to have intercourse at the bar. What gets you as giddy as a little kid on Christmas: BJs Where did you have your first kiss: Behind a tree. Most embarrassing sexual story: Realizing it was being videotaped… How often do you poop: At least twice a day, three times if I’ve had Mexican food. Who is your celebrity crush? Zach Galifianakis Favorite barcrawl you’ve ever attended: Southside Irish barcrawl

drinking game:

Drunk Easter Egg Hunt

K.J. Canopy Club

Major: Pain Relationship Status: Bartenders are always single, right?! Best pick up line: Nice shoes… wanna fuck? On a scale of baby carrot to $5 Footlong how big is your mouth: Pretty fuckin’ big… want me to prove it? Favorite part of bartending at Canopy Club: The patrons, duh! What is the number one thing you look for in a significant other? A nice rack. If you won the lottery what is the first thing you’d do: Buy a posse. Has anyone ever walked in on you masturbating: One or twelve times… If the girl/guy of your dreams asked you to make him/her a drink what would you make: A fuckin’ beer!! I probably wouldn’t make it though. Have you named any of your body part: Not exactly. Favorite song: Anything by Rebecca Black. Sexiest article of clothing you own: Who needs clothes to be sexy?! Worst class you have ever taken in college: Your mom – she was a lot of work.

recipe for disaster:

Popcorn Puppy Chow

Easter may be over, but you still have a shit ton of those eggs left. “Why did the Easter egg hide?” Many of you may have once thought it was because, “He was a little chicken.” Wrong. That Easter egg is hiding because you are about to chuck him at somebody’s car while ridiculously hammered. In response to your desperate cries to get those awful pastel eggs out of your apartments, we offer you this wild egg hunt that will leave you spinning.

We’ve put a spin on the recipe and added popcorn! As if the world’s greatest snack couldn’t get any better, the addition of popcorn to puppy chow is the greatest addition to a classic concoction since whiskey was added to Coke. Popcorn puppy chow also provides another perfect way to take the random crap you call your “groceries” and make them into something actually appetizing.

What You’ll Need: Eggs, markers, and lots of alcohol. Number of People: As many Jesus-loving folks that you can find. Level of Intoxication: D.R.U.N.K!

What you’ll need: Popcorn, chocolate, peanut butter, ½ stick of butter, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The only thing semi-healthy about this is the popcorn, and even that’s a stretch. Let’s Get Poppin': -Pop some popcorn (rule of thumb: kettle corn is for bitches). -Microwave chocolate, peanut butter, and butter until melted. Stir that shit up. -Ooze your chocolate-peanut-buttery goop all over your popcorn until evenly coated. -Add powdered sugar and mix around until everything turns white. -Grab a handful, stuff your face and be shameless with it.

How to Play: -The designated “Easter Bunny” writes drinks on slips of paper and puts them inside plastic Easter eggs. Drinks are up to the Easter Bunny, but can range from shots, double shots, beer shotguns, beer bongs, etc. (Have fun with this; the players are your bitches, and you can make them do whatever you want for a whole round.) - The eggs are dispersed around the designated game boundaries (apartment, frat house, etc). - Once the eggs are dispersed, the players run around finding the eggs and drinking as much as the eggs say. - Once players find an egg and do the drinking task, they can chuck the egg at someone and get them “out,” thus eliminating the competition and maximizing their drinking opportunities. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone and the last player standing then becomes the Easter Bunny. The game can be played repeatedly all day, but players are advised to keep the number of games to a minimum, unless money for an ambulance ride is readily available.

Thirsty for More?

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The next thing you know, popcorn puppy chow will be a staple at movie theaters across the country. However, knowing the way movie theaters price their food, this delicious concoction will surely cost you nothing short of an arm, a leg, and a fair amount of dignity. Because of this, we advise you to make it while it’s cheap and delicious.

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Review Page

BOOZE REVIEW

booze review: Burnett’s Sugar Cookie | grade: D+ Overview: I’m a slave to the vodka lords. When they produce a new flavor, I have no choice but to guzzle it down and grade its worth. Such is my place in life. History: A small spacecraft crashes into the yard of a homely country couple. Edgar, shotgun in hand, shoves his wife aside to go check out the matter. He is accosted by none other than a “bug” who strips him of his skin and wears Edgar like a bad suit. The bug in Edgar’s likeness goes into the modest country house and asks the wife for some “sugar water.” She obeys, but it’s not enough. The bug demands more and more sugar water, but is insatiable. Rather, he runs round back to find a handle of Burnett’s and pours the contents and a bag of sugar into a trough and guzzles down the contents, leaving little behind. Once finished, the faux-Edgar leaves the house to meet his imminent doom by the hands of the Men in Black, leaving the timid wife to discover his concoction. This is how Burnett’s Sugar Cookie vodka was created.

The Mixer Center

Sprite: DDiet Coke: C+

Typical Drinkers: Bugs wearing Edgar’s skin, fairies, Jay and Kay, former Girl Scouts, Girl Scout troop leaders, the cookie monster, the Cookie Crisp dog, basically all alcoholic cartoons, men who miss their childhood and grandmothers, the Cavity Goon from Timmy the Tooth, hyperactive children whose parents fool them into drinking this sugary mess to get them to slow down, and all women named Lilly. Lilly loves this stuff. User Comments “COOKIES? Cookie monster, hic, loves cookies.” “Lilly stole the cookie from the cookie jar.” “Ugh, so sweet I can taste the diabetes.” “This is by far the Cavity Goon’s most evil plot.” Conclusion: I wouldn’t hate this stuff so much if it weren’t so freaking sweet. Seriously, you take a whiff of it and your nostrils are coated in sugar and mini marshmallows. But my writer Lilly said it’s not so bad in Diet Coke since that’s less sweet. So there’s that.

With Sugar: F-yuck Orange Juice: B-

THe top ten Things to do in Your Cap and Gown

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Graduation is less than a month away, meaning that many of us will soon be donning our caps and gowns. Unlike your mom’s wedding dress, this is something you will only be wearing once. Better get some mileage out of it. 10) Bone: If you don’t have sex in your cap and gown at least once then I’m not sure what you’ve even learned in these past four years. In fact, I like to order gowns that are slightly too big for me so that, if I so choose, I can have a lady friend hanging off me at any given time and no one will notice. 9) Commit a crime alert: I kind of get tired of seeing the same exact description of crime alert offenders (especially since they all seem to look a lot like me). I know the gown doesn’t make for the sexiest getaway clothes, but come graduation day this is practically free reign to attack whoever you want when thousands of people are wearing the same thing.

O Captain! My Captain!

Corey Guastini wrote this

Lieutenant: Captain! Captain! We just intercepted an encrypted message from the enemy. We were able to decipher it and discover that they plan on attacking this very ship in thirty minutes. Captain Crunch: Oh boy. That’s…wow. Lieutenant: Well, what are we going to do? You’re the highest-ranking officer on this ship; you need to make a decision. Captain Crunch: Yeah, no. I mean, I understand, it’s just… You know what? Let’s eat some cereal. I’ve got a box right here. Do you have any milk? Lieutenant: Cereal? What the hell are you talking about?! Captain, this is serious, we’re about to be under attack. The entire crew is depending on you. Captain Crunch: No milk? That’s alright; Cap’n Crunch is just as good dry as it is in milk. Take a handful! Lieutenant: Get your shit together, Captain, or else I’ll take matters into my own hands! I’m not gonna sit idly by as our entire crew dies in the middle of the Pacific! Captain Crunch: It sounds like you need to be crunchitized. Lieutenant: What the hell does crunchitized mean? Is that a military tactic? Will that work? We’re desperate here! Captain Crunch: No, no, you just get turned into cereal bits then enter a cartoon Cap’n Crunch world. It’s a good time. You know, parasailing, surfing, and riding on large sea birds’ backs and stuff. Do you want to be crunchatized? Let’s both get crunchatized.

Lieutenant: No, I don’t want to be crunchatized! (Begins rummaging through Captain Crunch’s drawers). Do you have anything in here that’ll help? There are no plans or lists of commands for an emergency like this? All I see are bits of loose Cap’n Crunch, some dirty spoons, and cartons of expired milk! Captain Crunch: Yeah, I really wish I had a refrigerator in here. Lieutenant: Oh, here’s something. Let’s see, what does this say?“Ideas on how to keep cereal from getting soggy.” And the only thing listed is, “Use powdered milk instead of regular milk.” This is all you have?! That’s not even a good idea! Sure, your cereal wouldn’t be soggy, but that would be gross! Here, just sign this paper to hand executive power over to me. It’s clear you don’t know shit about running a ship. Captain Crunch: Oh wow, that’s harsh. I’m gonna need to eat some serious Cap’n Crunch to get over this. (Signs paper). MEANWHILE on the enemy ship Lieutenant: Captain! Captain! Why do the computers say we notified surrounding ships that an attack on the enemy is to take place thirty minutes from now? Captain Morgan: I, uh, just…oh, Christ, it’s bright today. Just slow down for a second. What? Lieutenant: Did you press the button to alert our fleet to attack? Only you have the power to do that; it must have been you! Captain Morgan: I was just, um, just trying to play my tunes, man. I just wanted to get my fuckin’ jams going.

Lieutenant: Well you didn’t play your “jams,” you called for an attack on the enemy! What were you thinking? Captain Morgan: Can you just calm down for a second? The room is spinning a little bit. Just, can I get a glass of water? Lieutenant: Are you…are you drunk? You reek of rum! Captain Morgan: I drank a little, but I’m not, uh, drunk. No. No, I’m not drunk. Lieutenant: If we follow through with this attack, we’ll start an all-out war! We can’t do that right now because additional ally ships are over a thousand miles away! Call it off! Captain Morgan: Alright, alright. (Stumbles over to his iPod to call off the attack). Lieutenant: No, here. Here! The main console! Captain Morgan: (Manages to press the right buttons). Lieutenant: You’re gonna get us all killed one day. BACK ON Captain Crunch’s ship Lieutenant: All right! Arm the missiles! And fire in 5…4…3…2… Captain Crunch: (Spills a bowl of Cap’n Crunch all over the control panel, causing the system to power down.) Oops! Well this just isn’t my day. Lieutenant: What the hell happened! We’re all going to die, you idiot! Wait, why isn’t anything happening? (Stares at clock ticking past the supposed time of attack). They must have called it off. They must have called it off! We’re saved! Oh, God, we’re saved!

8) Take your finals: Overconfidence is one of my best qualities. Nothing quite says BAMF like showing up to that 100-level class you’re pulling a "C" in wearing your graduation garb. Even if you don’t know a single answer you must do a skip jump and high five no less than three people on your way out. 7) Barcrawl: Many people like to go out with their families after graduation for a nice dinner. Honestly, that sounds about as much fun as actually paying attention to all those classes you slept through this semester. You might as well live it up while you have this thing and get bombed. 6) Dance off: While you’re at your barcrawl you may encounter some fools who wish to throw down. If you find yourself in this situation, just claim you got your degree in popping and proceed to serve up those suckers a lesson in thermodynamics! Old school! 5) Fight a hobo: Remind the poor that they’ll always be weaker than you and you can take anything you want from them, including their year-old can of Spam. 4) Smuggle things: Your gown allows plenty of movement and space for any items you may want to hold on you: alcohol, drugs, midgets, you name it. The only thing I think could work better is a burka, and your eyes are not nearly sexy enough to pull that off. 3) Be a creep: The cap and gown was designed for ultimate comfort, and to that end they were made to be worn without any sort of undergarment. Now, if you’re a guy this will obviously elicit some stares when people see your ankles sticking out, but if you’re feeling self-conscious just take comfort in knowing their gazes will be averted when they see your boner poking through. 2) Bone on camera: I’ve yet to see a sex tape of college grads doing it on the internet (I swear as soon as someone gets a piece of paper saying they’re smart they get all prissy about it). In my vision for the final cumshot you strike a pose like the Alma Mater as you send a “warm” welcome to future generations. 1) Rob a bank: Considering you followed all my advice up to this point you should have all the necessary tools to knock over the Federal Reserve. You possess the guns you smuggled in, the masks from your dance off, and finally the good sense to realize you can blend in with the other grads on this day. Don’t let ‘em take you alive, graduate. Don’t let them take you alive.

John McHoneyCombs wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com parents. Don’t believe it? Take a look under the “Learn More” tab and view Facebook’s subliminal video that hypnotizes people it calls “users” into thinking Timeline is actually something to be desired. The video talks all about highlighting your good memories and precious moments. That’s right, it speaks “mom!” It’s your own damned fault, though. If you had clicked on every other ad on the right side of the site, it wouldn’t have to do this. You might not be gullible enough to fall for its ambush advertising tactics, but your parents are gullible enough to gladly give the first 16 digits of their credit card number to anyone that asks nicely. You can’t look at Timeline and tell me that it doesn’t cater to the older, technologically retarded generation. The thing is a Goddamned virtual scrapbook. All it’s going to take is that exact word, scrapbook, and before she knows it your mom will be gladly clicking notifications congratulating her on being the one millionth viewer and that her free Nintendo Wii is waiting. If none of this is convincing, you’ll be glad to know that everything up to this point has been a diversion. Facebook’s true evil ploy involves ensuring that no United States citizen will ever be able to run for President again. Remember all of those embarrassing moments you had throughout grade, middle, and high school? Lucky for you it wasn’t all documented like the kids of today will be. Cue Facebook e-loling (evil laughing out loud). In the future, debate over the best candidate will not be over their stance on healthcare or environmental issues. In fact, there won’t even be a debate, because once the news leaks that, in the 4th grade, Senator Jeffery threw a spitball at poor little Stacy, everyone will denounce him as a violent, sexist bigot. Just when you think that Senator Williams is your guy, the post back in 2012 of him unboxing his pre-owned printer will cause you to reconsider whether he’s even a human being at all, and not some emotionless android. All it takes is one status update posted in 7th grade about how you, “Hate fat young people that ride electric shopping carts in Wal-Mart,” and you can wave goodbye to the Texas vote. Just when the superhero swoops in and is about to save the day, he’ll remove his mask and reveal that he’s actually the even more diabolical Lord Google, and that Facebook has been his puppet the entire time. It is useless to resist. Writer Landon Mills, upon submitting this article, has gone missing. The only lead we at The Black Sheep have is a spot of blood on his laptop and a note, which reads, “E-LOL.”

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The Movie Page titanic 3d

Based on the Trailer

April 2012

This is, like, the best movie I’ve ever seen. Directed by

James Cameron

starring

Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet

GRADE A++ mike benson wrote this James Cameron (Director of Avatar and True Lies) has succeeded in creating one of the most exciting, dramatic, and effective pieces of filmmaking in recent memory. I'm not ashamed to say that immediately after viewing James Cameron’s Titanic I walked out to my car, reclined the seat back, and wept for forty five minutes in the fetal position. If this film does not win, like, eleven Academy Awards then I just don’t know what to believe anymore. The film begins with Brock Lovett (Played by Bill Paxton, who, for his age, I must say is looking pretty damn good), a treasure hunter who is searching for “The Heart of The Ocean,” a giant diamond which was rumored to have sunk with the Titanic eighty years before. Brock only manages to find a drawing of a naked Kate Winslet wearing the Heart of The Ocean. An old woman with a face like a regal fruitcake announces that she is the woman in the picture, and proceeds to tell her story of her time on the Titanic (As old people are wont to do). The next three quarters of the movie feature one of the best young romances in movie history. Sure, naysayers will say that Jack and Rose are an older-than-time-itself “lady and the tramp” style love story intermixed with various eth-

on dvd

nic stereotypes, but they just don’t believe in love. The film finally picks up when the ship hits an iceberg, begins to sink, and a man is shown falling off the ship and hitting a propeller on the way down. One aspect of this film which completely baffles me, which has nothing to with the film itself but with its critical reaction, is the way that critics seem to focus primarily on the fact that Titanic is in 3D. Reviews from critics and friends all mention things like, “Why did James Cameron decide to make Titanic in 3D?” or, “Cameron’s decision to bring Titanic to the 3D screen was one of is wisest decisions.” Why is this the only thing you’re focusing on!? Here we have a beautiful film with tremendous acting, a classic love story, a wonderful soundtrack (Featuring a song by Celine Dion, who, until I heard her music in Titanic, I had in the “Where are they now?” file), and great direction from Cameron. The 3D isn’t important here, people. Sure, when the falling guy hit the propeller the 3D really made him pop out, but we should really be focusing on how good this story is. I feel like one of the unsung heros of this film has got to be Tina Earnshaw, the make-

up artist for the film. I mean, really, holy shit, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet really look like they are in their early twenties here. I was completely amazed. No matter how many scientifically accurate shots of sinking ships you have, how many special effects you use, or how many falling men hitting propellers you have in your movie, nothing will be able to compare to the superb makeup job on Kathy Bates in this film. Due in part to her fine work, the love story between young Jack and Rose is one of the most magical movie romances since Ingrid and Bogey. Now I don’t want to give away the ending, but their love is one that they truly never let go. Oh God, I hope Mac keyboards are waterproof! I really can’t believe that more people aren’t buzzing about this movie. It literally has everything: Boobs, gore, action, romance, Leo, King Theoden (as the ship’s captain), enormous and expensive jewels, I could go on and on. And let me just say that this is the perfect date movie, because while the women are enamored by the intense action and massive body counts, the men can be swept off their feet by the timeless beauty of doomed star-crossed lovers. *Sigh*

tiantic trivia

april 13

Starring: Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, Sofia Vergara What You Need to Know: The Farrelly brothers are back, directing, writing and producing this remake of the famed comedy act The Three Stooges, set in modern time but with the same stupid slapstick bullshit. What We Think: Maybe The Three Stooges were more relatable back in the 30s or something, but we've got cat memes and Snooki to entertain us now. This movie just looks awful, and you know it's bad when they have a lead character resembling Jim Carrey but actually seems way more annoying. Looks like this movie is gonna suck the big one.

Chimpanzee

april 20

Starring: Oscar, an adorable baby chimp; narrated by Tim Allen What You Need to Know: This documentary tell us the story of Oscar, a baby chimpanzee. Showcasing his intelligence and incredibly adorable personality, we see how Oscar's chimp family gets down in the craziness that is the wild forest. What We Think: Thank you, Disney, for making a wonderfully beautiful (HD nature!) and entertaining (cute baby animals!) IMAX film just in time for 4/20, which is also Earth Day, you guys. Just try to keep the giggles to a minimum and grab some popcorn to cover up the stank, and you'll be fine next to all the families that are also watching this film.

answers are a few from here

April 17

The Five-Year Engagement april 27

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol Shame IMAX: Born to Be Wild

April 24 Contraband Crime After Crime The Innkeepers Pariah

The Three Stooges

Leo and Kate shared the screen again in 2008 in this movie we heard was about a boring couple…

Kate starred in this indie flick with Jim Carrey, where they were lovers, or were they?

T.I.A. is a famous line from which of Leo’s films?

Old Rose, played by Gloria Stuart, got her start in Street of Women, which came out in what year?

Starring: Emily Blunt, Jason Segel What You Need to Know: This Judd Apatow-produced comedy is about a couple's relationship as it unfolds during a bumpy five-year engagement, including moving cities, climates and, of course, emotions. What We Think: Judd Apatow + Jason Segel + rom com = good enough. Though this film definitely teeters on the border of "Aww, kind of cheesy" and "Oh my gosh, I think I might barf," we all know it'll still be entertaining. We won't be rushing to the theaters for this, but we'll line it up for a hungover Sunday with a few mimosas.

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Shpongle

You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Check them out during Summer Camp Music Festival in Chillicothe, IL, May 25-27th, or go online to twistedmusic. com/tours and find out when they’re at a venue near you. The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music? Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music. TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it? Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.

cd review

m.ward a wasteland companion Predictably great chill tunes, man.

M. Ward is a phenomenal singer, songwriter and guitarist who’s been around for over a decade, consistently performing and releasing music, never faltering on his undeniable raw talent. He’s also one half of She & Him with the adorkable Zooey Deschanel, and one quarter of the incredibly talented 2009 folk collaboration, Monsters of Folk. Not to mention his nearly constant touring and various other collaborations throughout the years, that’s a whole hell of a lot of information about a quiet guy from the west coast. A Wasteland Companion is M. Ward’s 8th album, a feat for anyone and especially for someone who’s under 40. At this point in his career, it’s assumed and quite blatant that he’s got his shit down. M. Ward knows exactly who he is, what and how he’s going to play his music, and, perhaps most importantly, what his fans like. That’s not to say that he hasn’t grown as an artist or become more polished, but if you listen to his discography, it’s all pretty damn similar—acoustic folk music with passionate, relatable lyrics that sometimes make you sad and sometimes give you the chills. The majority of his songs hover around 3 minutes, but often times much less with barely enough time to even get a song rolling. With him, it’s not so much about finding one song that stands out (though it’s happened, obviously), but enjoying everything just as it happens to be.

out now

GRADE B

At just under 40-minutes long, A Wasteland Companion is nothing but predictably great M. Ward quintessential folk rock. The first song released was, “The First Time I Ran Away,” a low-key tune with sparse, simple lyrics and subtle guitar—one of the slower and weaker tracks on the album. Some of my favorites, though, are “Me and My Shadow” and “Crawl After You” because they’re two of the more interesting, stand-out songs on the album. “Crawl After You” is particularly beautiful with a nice piano and violins melodies (and painfully cute lyrics). And, if you listen closely throughout the album, you might just hear Deschanel herself featured in a few of the tracks. Subtly, of course. It’s a damn shame if you haven’t checked M. Ward out by now because he’s definitely worth a listen. But if you’re going to get this album, you’ve got to check out some of his other stuff (Post-War is a personal favorite) too. That way, if any of his songs get a little too slow, you can just go on to the next one (on to the next one). Sounds Like: A shy honeybee drinking lemonade on a bench, by himself. Download: Me and My Shadow, Crawl After You, Primitive Girl Listen to it When: You’re just vibing out, preferably in a hammock or by a lake.

TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images), and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about? Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd. TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’ Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect. TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind? Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment. So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain. TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props? Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter. TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level? Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though! TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice? Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.

UPCOMING RELEASES Bonnie Raitt - Slipstream Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine

Alabama Shakes - Boys & Girls Taproot - Episodes

Jason Mraz - Love is a Four Letter Word Train - California 37

Neon Trees - Picture Show Yann Tiersen - Skyline

the riddle

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UIUC Junior Takes Pledge alex dimaris wrote this This past Wednesday UIUC Junior Jeff Santos heroically pledged not to miss any classes for the rest of the semester. This was his fifth time making this pledge during the spring semester, and his seventeenth time during his University of Illinois career. He was quoted as saying, “I know I’ve said this before, but I really mean it this time.” Jeff Santos is a 5’10” junior majoring in Business with a minor in English. He also enjoys long walks on the beach (or just pacing back and forth in his room) and imagining himself gingerly nursing Long Island Ice Teas on beaches far, far away. It was reported that when Jeff emphatically informed his friends and roommates that he would not be missing any more classes, they all let out an exacerbated sigh. One of his roommates even stood up and began running around the room, tearing his hair out. Apparently Jeff’s promises to not miss anymore classes had convinced his roommate that they had fallen into a time-loop and were repeating the same moment over and over again. His roommate and best friend from back home was not available for an interview but did release the following statement: “We’ve all heard this shit before. I’ll believe it when I see it.” Jeff suffers from what is known in the medical community as extreme apathy. He routinely misses class for the simplest reasons, such as waking up 10 minutes later than he should have and not wanting to rush to get ready for class, waking up with the mildest of headaches, and not wanting to kick ragged and used up sorostitutes out of his bed too early in the morning (hey, at least he’s considerate). Jeff Santos manages to stay above failing grades in all his classes by using me-

ticulously crafted excuses. Some of the highlights include: Saying his dog ate his homework, claiming that he missed class because of trauma caused by his dog’s paper-induced death, and, most impressively, alleging that his dead dog came back as a vampire-zombie to eat both his homework and his grandfather. “Yeah, I was going to save my grandpa dying as an excuse for missing a midterm or something. I had to bring that one out a little bit sooner than I would have liked.” When asked what he credits for his superhuman ability to lie his way out of any situation, he remained magnanimous, “Most of it goes to my parents. They taught me at an early age the value of lying to each other and particularly the value of lying to strangers. Also, I have to give the nod to my T.A.s for having unique personalities combining equal parts childlike naiveté and teenage apathy.” One of his T.A.s was available for interview but asked to remain anonymous. He was quoted as saying, “Fuck that kid. I’m going to find a way to fail him if it’s the last thing I do.” When questioned on whether he is worried that his pledge will fall on deaf ears considering that the semester is nearly over, he was optimistic. He looked off into the distance, as the sun revealed a gleam in his eye and responded with a voice overflowing with emotion, “It’s never too late to change. Anything is possible.” With these words he got up out of his chair, grabbed a box of Cheez-Its from his pantry, removed his pants, and started his fifteenth run-through of Final Fantasy X. When reminded that he had class in an hour, Jeff responded, “Eh, it’s just a lecture.”

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class tim e

the madlib: a dubstep show

Last week __7__ asked me to a __8__ concert, so I __9__ went. When we arrived it was pretty obvious everyone was on __10__. There was a girl wearing a shiny __11__ that you could see under her light-up __12__. A guy with hair like a __13__ offered me some __14__, but when I saw his __15__ I was like, “No thanks, man.” So, during the concert this guy was doing this dance, it looked like he was trying to __16__and __17__ at the same time. I had to __18__ him, because he looked like __19__. Later that night some girl __20__on the dance floor. Everyone around her jumped they were so __21__. Eventually the show ended and we all went home, but I had such a __22__ time I couldn’t fall asleep until __23__.

1) Name 2) Adjective 3) Animal 4) Verb 5) Dubstep artist 6) Adjective 7) Name 8) Dubstep artist 9) Adjective 10) Drug 11) Clothing article

12) Clothing article 13) Clothing article 14) Noun 15) Body part 16) Dance move 17) Dance move 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Adjective 22) Adjective 23) Time

class tim e

Hey __1__, have you heard of this new music, dubstep? I don’t know how I haven’t heard that shit before, it’s so __2__. Basically, it’s electronic music with these drops, which are instances where the musician makes a noise like two __3__ __4__. Have you heard of __5__? I really __6__ that guy.

Trivia Answers: 1) Revolutionary Road 2) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 3) Blood Diamond 4) 1932