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The Black Sheep

The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 20, Issue 13 4/18/12 - 4/25/12

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My Dad Really, Really Wants to Come Down for Mom’s Weekend (for Some Reason) Mike, Beast’s Son wrote this

Last year, at around the time of Dad’s Weekend, I was a lonely freshman without many friends. I was looking forward to a nice weekend of ketchup-drenched brats and two-hand-touch football with my old man. On the Friday of Dad’s Weekend, I got a mysterious text from my dad saying, “Be there at 4.” By the time 4:00p.m. rolled around I was eagerly awaiting his arrival. This was when I got a text from him that read, “Im ger coym ket me in!” to which I looked out the window to find my drunk father next to his crashed car. After stopping him from assaulting a young group of parkour-ers who he mistook for Vietnamese assassins, we headed to a frat party. I didn’t get in, but apparently they knew my dad and kept calling him “The Beast.” I had to bail my dad out of jail for throwing a bowling ball off of a balcony. Needless to say, the event was traumatizing. However, I am quick to forgive, and by the time summer break rolled around I was ready to put the whole thing behind me. However, when I came home for the first time that summer, I noticed the locks had been changed on our front door. Along with this, there was a note which read, “Son, you are no longer welcome here. Do not ask questions. Do not cry like a woman. Just go.” The note was signed, “This isn’t over —The Beast.” I spent the rest of the summer living inside of a White Castle. My unwashed and homeless appearance allowed me to blend in with the regular patrons. When the new school year came around I moved into a house in Urbana and focused on my studies. When Dad’s Weekend was approaching once again, my phone began to ring hundreds of times a night. The voicemails left were only heavy breathing. When the weekend finally came, my father drove down, but I boarded my windows and refused his entry. He drove up and down my street a couple times, fired some buckshot into my walls, and left, admitting defeat. I didn’t hear a single word from my father after that. That is, until this week. On Monday of this week, I came home from class and, being hungry, went immediately to my kitchen. I was about to begin microwaving my PB&J when I noticed that the window in my kitchen was broken. He was here. Sure enough, I walked into my living room to find my father and four of his friends dressed in all-black suits, smoking cigars, and watching Grease with the sound turned completely off. “Hello, Nicholas. We’re here for Mom’s Weekend.” “Dad, my name is Mike.”

“That’s it, I’m calling the cops.” My dad and his friends initially thought I was kidding, but when I pulled out my phone they all picked up bricks and smashed individual windows to run away. Before leaving, my Dad turned around and said, “See you on Friday,” and ran off.

“Son, shut up. From now on you must call me ‘The Beast.’” “Dad... I mean The Beast. This is enough. I’m sick of you playing all these weird games ever since Dad’s Weekend. You have to get out of my house. Why would you want to come down on Mom’s Weekend anyway? You’re married.” With these words my dad’s friends all laughed and took long drags out of their cigars. “Oh son, you have so much to learn. The women are only part of it. We’re here to show this town what true danger is. What a true party is.” “Well, what are all your friends doing here? Don’t you guys have jobs?” “Kid, don’t flatter yourself. We’re not here to hang out with no skateboarding hipster. We’re here because we haven’t gotten our rocks off since ‘Nam.”

If Friday would have been the next time I saw my Dad and his gang of friends, “The Stone Greasers,” I would be a happy man. No, despite my Dad’s words, the group came back to my house an hour later when they were informed that they couldn’t sleep at The Silver Bullet. And though my father had been acting strange ever since last year’s Dad’s Weekend and his greaser friends scared me, I just couldn’t leave him out on the street. After all, he’s my old man. Assuming that my act of kindness to let them stay at my place would grant some sympathy from The Beast, I thought it would be okay to leave them alone when I went to class on Tuesday. When I got back, my Dad’s friends were all asleep on the living room floor covered in dip spit and dice. Everything looked okay until I got to my room. The entire space had been cleaned out except for a shotgun and what appeared to be a kilo of cocaine. There was a note written on the door that read, “This is my room now. I am disappointed in you. —The Beast.”

continued on page 19

A Beautiful Poem by a Third Grader. see page 6

Other stuff

Inside

What is a Mother?

It's April 2031, and snooki's little meatball is now a freshman.

It's mom's weekend and it's 4/20... doesn't sound very chill, man.

see page 9

see page 18

Snooki Does Mom's Weekend

The Mother Of All Paranoia

HE WATCH T WKS HA BULLS & GAMES PLAYOFF M’S! AT KA

EVERY MOM LOVES KAM’S! It’s time to show her a thing or two!

Friday: Absolut Best Mom Contest! Winner Gets a 3-Hour Limo Package Grab a Mom’s Day T-Shirt!

Weekend Drink Specials $250 Mom’s Day Pints $4 Absolut Drinks, $4 Blue Guys $2 Lite and Coors Light Drafts

Bef ore our epic night at Kam’s. .

after This is the "before" picture...the picture is blackmail material...

THIS WEDNESDAY!

EVERY THURSDAY!

THE FRATTLE OF THE DJs CONTINUES

KLUB KAM’S FEATURING DJ JAY LAVITOLA

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KAM’S

618 E. Daniel St. | Champaign | 217.337.3300 | kamsillini.com

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Table of > > >

PAGE 5 >>

Sex and the CU

PAGE 7 >>

Worst Mom's Weekend Tour page 17 >> Booze Review: Kinky Take her to all the places you Liqueur

how to compete with the influx of cougars this weekend.

page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

because not all liqueur's make you kinky? oh...

Things Your Mom Reveals to page 18 >> The Top Ten Reasons Not to Invite Your Mom You on Mom's Weekend to Mom's Weekend..

That you really, really didn't need to know about.

page 9>>

From the Streets

How are you going to keep your mom busy during mom's weekend?

PAGE 10 >> Shacker Mom Action Plan

What to do when your mom is the one doing the walk of shame.

Diana and Darrel have some really nice things to say about your mom.

always hoped she'd never find out about.

page 8 >>

contents

page 21 >> The Best Non-Headliners at Summer Camp

We check out some of the lesser known acts headed to the Summer Camp Music Festival.

page 23 >> Becoming a Man on Mom's Weekend:

what better way then with a woman with mad experience?

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen Eric Blokel distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Landon Mills Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Michael Rottar | Alexander Dimaris Colin O'Keefe | Ashley Perl

pr manageRs Abbie Welch & Ken Halvachs photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page four

pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

can’t ekend. I seriously down for Mom’s We that I call her “mommy.” Dear Carl, me co to s nt wa om ists My new bimbo step-mtwo years older than me and still ins d’s feelings. What do I do? da ly stand her. She’s on piss off, but I don’t want to hurt my I want to tell her to Sincerely, Lost ries, your itinerary for the Disappointing TV Se sly awkward. I say you come up with that as the Dungeon Master, r Yeesh. That is seriou to her to keep her deterred. Tell he sion. Tell her you were able it weekend and email ss your weekly Dungeons & Dragons ses e to go on about how what sur ve, so she you are unable to miof "Acknar the Northern Troll" and be nt of warts they ha e to snag her the rol t trolls mark their honor by the amou big day for you two since a an honor it is and tharits. Remind her that Saturday will be u up for pig wrestling. She yo should be in high spi in town, and you signed the two of t she help you uphold your be the county fair will her mommy, so you have to insist tha ter competition together. g gh insists on your callin g title, by entering the mother-dau th a super stretchy elastic wi tin -ea nts ed tpa spe ea n sw pio ase am m for ch is that she purch it nt makes the more roo to know rta she po ch im ma w ho sto r he in ed Explain gs ne ’t tdo ho esn do but she re room for waistband. The mo u’ll make. Of course that’s horseshit, yo love in your heart that. Cheers, face? ice, or maybe just a slap in the Carl n? Concern? Need some life adv

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Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

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sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers anna faris & john mayer

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word of the week >>> brosure

Can Refer Jewel REAR CHIN PRY Inn

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: Any empty promise made by a man specifically so he can sleep with a woman. “I’ll remember your name in the morning,” is a common brosure on college campuses.

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SEX

competing with cougars

and the Cu

Slangster Gangster wrote this

Mom’s Weekend is quickly approaching, and in a lot of ways this is awesome. Your moms are all going to come down and shower you with food, booze, and clothing. While this is all well and good, there’s an issue for us single college gals out there: our hot moms all come down and squeeze in on our men, bragging about their money and sexual exploits. I say it’s about damn time we take a stand, ladies, and show these aging predators what we have learned over the years. Your mother is inevitably going to want to take you out for food. So while you’re there, suggest ordering the greasiest food imaginable. I’m talking potato skins as an appetizer, chicken wings drenched in sauce for the entrée, and a brownie sundae for dessert. The reason you want to do this is because she’s older than you are and gets bloated way faster than you do. Men only want hot moms who lack that front-butt charm. All of that greasy food is going to make your mom’s front-butt stick out like a poorly hidden grizzly bear, and you’ll look like a curvy goddess in comparison. When she takes you shopping, make sure that you pick out the most unflattering things possible for her. If purple brings out the dark circles under her eyes, making her look like an alcoholic, make sure she buys a ton of lavender accessories. It’s also your best plan of action to make sure she buys everything a size or two too small. When people buy clothes that don’t fit them, their rolls stick out like a fat girl in spandex shorts. Guys hate fatties, so you’ll be golden. Disclaimer: I cannot promise that your mom won’t reel in one of those super weird guys who enjoy whaling, but you don’t want one of those anyways.

Moms are generally unaware of what’s going on in the world of pop culture, so use her weakness to your advantage. Make sure she plays up all of the topics that are unanimously hated among people our age. Tell her to gush on about Twilight and Crocs. Justin Bieber? He might as well be this generation’s Elvis Presley. He’s just so full of talent and sex appeal. If your mom is going on and on about how much she has Bieber Fever, it’s going to do a couple of things: One. She’s going to look even more like a pedophile. What is he, thirteen? Two. She’ll look like she has the world’s worst taste in music, and people will be completely uninterested in even talking to her. There’s nothing hotter than a mom, right guys? Wrong. Suggest that your mom talks about all of her embarrassing health issues. Just tell her that the woman’s body fascinates college guys at any age and that she should let them know all about her menopausal problems. She’ll talk about her hot flashes and blood clots, and the guy who she’s talking to will get very vivid images in his mind while trying to choke back his vomit. Know what’s really not hot? A woman who breaks out into a hot flash and proceeds to pour sweat all over you in the middle of sex. The sad fact is that, even after all of this shit, some guys are still going to want to bang your mom. What you can do is point her towards guys you would never want to sleep with yourself. Like any guy wearing neon colors, for example. A guy in neon polos might as well just hold up a sign that says, “I’m a douchebag and I have the clap.” Do you want that shit? No. Let your mom go for it. She has the money to pay to get rid of whatever STI she’ll pick up, and better yet, she’ll be so thrilled that a younger guy slept with her that she won’t even care that he’s a fucking moron in painfully bright yellow clothes.

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The main lesson here, ladies, is that you need to take advantage of your mom’s weaknesses. Don’t expect to be hot enough to do this on your own. The urge for a guy to do a mom is too strong for that. Use these tactics and you’ll have a better shot at making sure she doesn’t get laid…or at least not by any guy you’d consider having sex with.

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What is a Mother?

A Beautiful Essay by a Third Grader Corey Guastini wrote this Webster’s defines a mother as, “A female parent,” but I believe they are much more than that. Mothers are friends, parents, and people who remind you not to use those towels to clean spills because those are our nice towels. Often, mothers are referred to simply as “moms” or, in the UK, “mums.” This is not to be confused with chrysanthemums, which are perennial flowering plants. Mothers are not plants, they are human, but they are every bit as beautiful. Mothers are good at many things. Mothers can cook, mothers can comfort, and mothers can convince your dad that the family needs a cat. Mothers are also very good at worrying. Odds are, your mother is worrying about you right now. She is probably concerned that you are going someplace without a jacket. If your car breaks down, you’ll freeze to death on the side of the road. She is definitely concerned that you are not eating right. Maybe she thinks you’re not eating enough, eating too much, or eating junk. Whichever it is, your mom is positive your eating habits are bad and are going to make you sick. Speaking of you being sick, are you feeling alright? Your mother thinks you sounded a little off on the phone when she talked to you earlier. Make sure you’re eating enough. Mothers are not fathers. Both love you, and both support you. At your sporting events, both cheer for you. The difference comes when the sporting event is over. Dads know what mood you’re likely in by reading the scoreboard. Mothers know what mood you’re in because they can read your face. It is easy to lie to your father about your emotions. Tell him, “Nothing’s wrong,” and he’ll leave you alone, because he believes nothing is wrong. Why would you say “Nothing’s wrong” if something was actually wrong? But mothers know something is wrong. Mothers know exactly what is wrong. Mothers don’t know exactly what is wrong, but they will act like they do. Mothers are not perfect. Mothers will pick you up late from practice, fail to buy you the one gift you really wanted, and accidentally call you by your pet’s name. Mothers will occasionally storm off to their room, slam their door, and leave you wondering who’s going to make dinner. Mothers will sometimes give you bad advice. Mothers love to give advice, especially when you don’t ask for it, but they only do it because they love you. Mothers are not often thanked. Mothers will make you well aware of this on days when they are particularly stressed and upset. You may want to thank your mother in that moment, but she’ll just think you’re doing it because she told you to. So you’ll wait until a time when she is not expecting it at all, but by then she will have had another breakdown. Being a mother is a thankless job. Most importantly, mothers are mothers. Once upon a time they were something else. They were once children full of imagination, teens full of madness, and twenty-somethings full of excitement. Children don’t ruin a mother’s life, but they redefine it. Everything she does is no longer about herself but about her children. She plays silly games, helps with homework, leaves notes in brown-bag lunches, and drinks a glass of wine every night all because of her children. A mother is someone you can depend on. When you feel most helpless, she’ll be there for you. She cared for you when you were a baby, and you’ll never be more helpless than that. Whatever you throw at her, she can handle it. For that, a mother is someone to be grateful for.

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worst mom's weekend tour Hannah Johnson wrote this When moms come to visit during Mom’s Weekend, they love to see where their baby spends all his time. The university offers an official tour for mothers to take while they are here over the weekend, but it will inevitably be boring. The whole point of your mother coming to Champaign is to keep her entertained while learning more about this beautiful school. In order to do so, I devised a list of the “not-so-beautiful” parts of campus that will definitely make your mother feel extremely uncomfortable. Hey, at least she won’t be bored out of her mind. The Stacks: Don’t just take your mom to The Stacks to show her how creepy and dirty they can be. Take your mom there to show her the exact spot you lost your v-card. If she isn’t horrified enough, try reenacting it in disturbing detail. If I know anything, it’s that moms love seeing how talented their children are, and this is a perfect opportunity to show her. McKinley: After showing your mom the place you lost your virginity, she is going to be very concerned for your safety. Take her to McKinley for a big bag of condoms that you can split with her. Remember to be courteous and let your mom pick whether you two get Lifestyles or Trojans. The Dark Alley behind Red Lion: It just so happens that the Friday of Mom’s Weekend falls on the same day as one of the biggest smoker holidays on campus – 4/20! In honor of this grand occasion you should try and score as

much dope as possible. The dark alley behind Red Lion is just one of the many places you could try looking for a reputable dealer. An even better idea would be to teach your mom how to roll a blunt and then tell her to smoke it with a hobo behind El Leon Rojo. Morrow Plots: We all know that you aren’t supposed to go onto Morrow Plots, but your mom sure doesn’t. In broad daylight, take your gullible mother for a trip to the UGL. Upon arriving to the library, tell her about that neat-o cornfield that just happens to be right beside you. The kicker here is you tell her the corn is free for the taking and that the University actively encourages it. Champaign County Jail: After your mom is arrested for trespassing you will need to bail her out of jail. You better do this quickly too, depending on how well you think your mother could hold up spending a night locked up with Champaign’s scummiest. Your Sketchiest Friend’s Apartment: After a day in the slammer, your mom will definitely need a drink to unwind. Take her over to meet that one friend of yours whose apartment is completely covered in Playboy centerfolds. Don’t worry about your mom feeling uncomfortable, though, because it will only take about 5-10 minutes for one of your friends to slip some handshake drugs into her cup of tea, causing her old Woodstock flashbacks to come back in the worst way. Not only will your mom get super stoned, but she will also have got-

ten arrested all in the same day. The best part is that she will never remember any of it after waking up in a haze the next morning. You can send her off on her way without conveying any details other than about how much fun you had with her. Make sure to cut off all ways of communication with her, though, because once she does eventually figure it all out, she will be on the hunt to seek her revenge. If this seems like more work than you’re ready to handle, sign your mom up for one of those tedious campus tours. The most dangerous thing that could happen on one of those is that she’ll get her iPad stolen while getting a cup of coffee.

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Things Your Mom Reveals to You on Mom’s Weekend That You Didn’t Need to Know Cleves wrote this

When a mother comes to a college campus to visit her son or daughter for Mom’s Weekend, all inhibitions are out the door, my friends. College is like a whole different world compared to what your mom does on a daily basis. Unless your mom is a stripper. With that, it’s inevitable that your sweet little mother is going to get wasted with you and reveal some things from her past that you probably could have lived without knowing. But hey, that’s what you’re asking for when you bring your mom to Kam’s to drink Blue Guys. Your mom was dubbed “Loosest Sister” in her sorority: After everyone’s downed a few mimosas at your sorority’s Mom’s Weekend brunch, the stories from back in the day at Lambda Omega Lambda come a’flowin. For instance, your mom tells everyone that her sorority’s social calendar got taken away for a month after many incidents where she “went missing” for “hours on end,” and then eventually came back early the next morning without certain articles of clothing. From then on she was known as the "Loose Sister." Your bed at home has served as a place for your parents to “get down”: As more and more alcohol gets poured down your mom’s throat, the confessions get harder and harder for you to swallow. Your home bed has served as your safe haven for over twenty years now. It’s the place where you used to hide under the covers with a flashlight and read nudie mags. It’s the place where you had your first wet dream. It’s where you used to cry after watching episodes of Dawson’s Creek for Christ’s sake! Now your mom is telling you that her and your dad have sinned all over it? Your poor, innocent bed. Not even you’ve had sex in it yet. Looks like you have to burn all of your

sheets now; not even the strongest laundry detergents can clean that kind of disgustingness. You may or may not have a sibling that you didn’t know about: Now that your mom is completely blacked out she is starting to tell you some things that could be potentially life-ruining. All of a sudden she’s slurring about the time back in college when she was late and didn’t know how to handle her situation. While you don’t necessarily want to know the rest of the details, you’re also pretty curious as to whether or not you have a brother or sister that you didn’t know about it. You get especially concerned when your mom starts to shift uncomfortably in her seat and orders two more rounds of tequila shots. Your mom can out-drink you: Through all of this, the main thing that you’ve discovered is that your mom can drink you under the table any day. This is something that you definitely didn’t want to know, because it’s, well, pretty embarrassing. The fact that your mom is still the life of the party after several hours while you’re barely able to walk out of the bar means that you’re doing it wrong, and that your mom is winning. Yep, that’s right. Go walk home with your head down in shame. Mom’s Weekend is supposed to be the time to engage in some nice bonding with your mother. Unfortunately, due to the collegiate atmosphere that is excessive binge drinking, which in turn leads to a full-blown confession, you might learn some things about your mom’s past that make you cringe and shudder in horror. Don’t worry. If the damage is so bad that you can’t even look at your own mother in the eyes anymore, you can always get a lobotomy. In the meantime, Happy Mom’s Weekend!

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How are you going to keep your mom busy during Mom's Weekend? "My mom isn't coming, but I'm going to take my friend's mom out to a nice seafood dinner." - Westin M., Sophomore

April 2031: Snooki Does Moms’ Weekend kitty kat wrote this It’s the year 2031, and many things have changed over the years for the University of Illinois. Our athletics program has finally been graced with knowledgeable coaches, Lincoln Hall just open for classes, and The Daily Illini has started paying back their debt by canning on the Quad like every other annoying organization. On the other hand, some traditions have stayed the same, including the passion and love felt during Mom’s Weekend. Every student enjoys having mommy come visit for lunch and classy drinks at Firehaus. Well, everyone except freshman Isabella LaValle. Why? Her mom is Snooki.

to the one she was wearing. “I brought you a present! Put it on!” After some convincing, Isabella squeezed into the dress. It cinched in tight and morphed her mosquito bites in to fullon mega melons. “Let’s go play!” Snooki squealed.

Unlike her mother, Isabella was graced with an IQ higher than today’s UV index and decided to go to the University of Illinois to study electrical engineering. Snooki didn’t know what that meant but hoped that Isabella could someday invent a tanning bed that wouldn’t cause cancer. Isabella vowed that she wouldn’t end up like her mother. So far, she has been successful. But as Snooki pulled up in her limo outside Isabella’s dorm, the little brain under her poof was hatching plans to change that.

Heads turned as every boy tried to catch a glimpse of the mother-daughter pair. Isabella blushed and Snooki smiled, “You look so hot, Bella. I would totally make out with you.” Not your typical mother-daughter bonding, but it worked for their dysfunctional relationship.

Snooki stumbled out of the car, barely managing to hang on to her oversized fuzzy purse and bottle of tequila. Ever since Jionni left her a few years back for the Staten Island dump, she has been drinking more than usual. By now she had also abandoned her dangerously skinny body for her old meatball self, all plump and round, mostly due to her obsessions with pickle juice and grilled cheese. Years of tanning had left her skin wrinkly and leather-like, sagging in all the wrong places. Isabella met her intoxicated mother downstairs and carefully brought her upstairs without anyone noticing. Once they were safely inside Isabella’s dorm room, Snooki giggled with excitement, overwhelmed at the fact that she had the whole weekend to party with her daughter. “Oh my gawd, I wish I had been able to go to college! Going out and drinking every night, doing sex whenever I want to,” Snooki sat down on Isabella’s bed, kicking her slippered-feet and clapping her hands giddily, “So, what kind of clubs ya guys got here?” “Well, mom, I actually spend a lot of time studying,” Isabella confessed quietly. “I don’t really have time to do anything social, so I don’t really know.” “Don’t worry, honey. That’s all about to change,” Snooki said as she whipped out a tiny leopard print dress, almost identical

Snooki reached into her bag and pulled out a few vodka bottles and pink shot glasses. After being force-fed three shots, Isabella excitedly started taking more on her own. Twenty minutes later, the guidettes staggered outside to hunt some gorillas.

"Incest is best... Keep it in the family." - Mason S., Freshman

When they entered Joe’s, Snooki’s eyes immediately landed on the stripper poles glowing in the colored lights. She knew they were in the right place. “Oh my gawd, it’s like Karma!” she screamed. Within seconds, Snooki was on the pole and showing her kooka to everyone around. Instead of the usual embarrassment, Isabella drunkenly laughed and joined her mom on stage. Both girls were dancing in front of a fist-pumping, Jerseyturnpiking crowd. Other moms joined them on stage, taking part in a massive MILF-grinding orgy. Most daughters were too ashamed to even look, others laughed and took out their camera phones. One jealous husband who came to campus to stalk his wife all weekend became alarmed when he noticed his woman grinding intensely with Snooki, who was loving every minute of it. He marched over to the stage, ripped his wife away, and wound up to deck Snooki right in the mouth. Snooki froze but took the punch like she was used to them. She winced, wiped the blood from her lip, and shouted, “Oh well. YOLO, RIGHT?” Their partying carried long into the night, ending with Isabella leaving Joe’s with a tan juicehead, and Snooki heading back to the dorm alone to ice her mouth and bruised ego. She wasn’t used to being without some gorilla to smush. After that weekend, Isabella realized she had to leave college and embrace the family lifestyle. That summer she got a job at Danny’s Shore Store on the Boardwalk and was never the same since. It was only a matter of time before Snooki ruined her life.

"Obviously she's my number #1 wingman. She knows where the bad bitches are." - Joel F., Freshman

Shacker Mom Action Plan

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the great grace wrote this

When you and your top dudes go out it’s pretty standard for a few of them to end up in a shacking situation. Your shacker friend is a hero until the next morning; that’s when the fun stops. Getting the, “CAN YOU PLEASE PICK ME UP, WHERE I AM?!” text at 7:30 a.m. is the worst wakeup call ever. However, you’ll do anything for your friends because, who knows? In a few short days you could be facing a potential shacking disaster. You’re worried about this weekend, though. What in God’s name are you going to do when it’s not your friend that shacked, but your own mother? There is no need to panic if this situation happens in your pathetic life. There is an action planned outlined by the Children of Mothers of University Student’s Handbook. I’ve dug up a copy for just this special occasion. Shacker Mom Action Plan: Step One: Ten deep breaths. It’s not fair that your mother got more action last night than you did, but you need to calm down if you are going to figure this out. Things are only going to get worse if your friends realize what has become of you. You don’t need that mix of ridicule and pity from every which direction. Step Two: Retrace your steps from last night. Map out what bars you went to and what parties you attended. Start with the pregame and follow the bottle cap breadcrumbs all the way to the after party you foolishly attended. Step Three: Check receipts to see what drinks you were feeding your mom. They will tell you everything you need to

know in order to figure out what happened to your mom. 3 a. If she drank tequila, she went home with your best friend. 3 b. If she drank vodka, she went home with your pledge dad. 3 c. If she drank rum, she went home with your pledge son. 3 d. If she drank whiskey, she went home with a, b, and c – FoUrSoMe. 3 e. If she drank champagne, she went back to have a slumber party with her new mom-friends. Step Four: Since your mom’s phone is dead on account of her not knowing how to charge it, she will be virtually unreachable. Call every one of your friends that you conversed with the night before. Send out a crime alert for a missing mom: describe her “World's Best Mom” shirt, appropriately high mom-jeans, and brown, leather, over-the-shoulder purse. Step Five: Start driving around, preferably with a postersized photo of your mom’s face on the hood of the car so people can know who you’re looking for. Check nail salons, coffee shops, and the mall to see if she snuck away without your knowledge. Step Six: Ask around town to see if anyone has seen her. You mom is going to be both embarrassed and excited to tell your aunt about giving a twenty-three-year-old a blowie in a bunk bed. She’ll think that sneaking out of the apartment without asking for a ride is her best option. “You only live once,” she will proclaim. She will wander around campus, discovering Green Street, the Quad, the library, and the Morrow Plots all

on her own. Your mother will stick out like a sore thumb at 7 a.m. with her makeup running and her stride wobbly from her sore feet from her one-inch boots she experimented with last night. Many passer-bys will scream, “SHACKER,” from their windows, but she will smile and wave proudly, because she thinks it means “Attractive Older Woman.” There’s not a chance in hell that people won’t notice her. But by the end of it all, some laughing stranger will lead you to her at the bench outside CRCE. Despite your bubbling anger at your mother’s promiscuous behavior, you’re at least glad that you caught her early in the morning so that no morning sex happened (or so you think).

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT WED 4/18

King of the Wings Contest Every Wednesday in April at 9pm Go Big or Go Home Fri & Sat $5 14oz. Doubles of Three Olives (Fri) & Bacardi (Sat) $3.50 22oz. Stadium Cup Bud Light Taps 15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

Friday 4/20: CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE PSYCHEDELIC CIRCUS! featuring EVOL INTENT, THE CHAOTIC GOOD, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, WHITE RABBIT and many more! Earth Day Benefit Concert with THE RAGBIRDS and JAIK WILLIS and THE DIVIDE

WELCOME MOMS! We are giving away Mom's T-Shirts All Weekend Long!

THURSDAY: Common Loon, Live! Special Guests Santah (9:30) and The Daredevil Christopher Wright (10:30PM)

$2 Absolut Vodka $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 4/19

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

BOOMBOX with DR FAMEUS (featuring members of Disco Biscuits) and ALPHA DATA

featuring Wells & Bud Light Bottles

Common Loon, Live! Special Guests Santah (9:30) and The Daredevil Christopher Wright (10:30PM)

FRI 4/20

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE PSYCHEDELIC CIRCUS! featuring EVOL INTENT, THE CHAOTIC GOOD, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, WHITE RABBIT and many more!

Mom's Weekend! Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 Burgers $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light Tallboys

DJ Kosmo at 10PM! Spinning the Best in Top-40, Hip-Hop, Mash-Ups, House, 80's, and MORE!

SAT 4/21

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

GIRLS NEXT DOOR (Early Show!) LINK OUT LOUD BENEFIT featuring TIM BE TOLD (Late Show!)

Moms Weekend We are giving away Mom's T-Shirts All Weekend Long!

Tailgate, Live at 10PM!

SUN 4/22

Closed

LAIDBACK LUKE with GTA, AMADA and MILK N COOKIES

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

MON 4/23

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

** CLOSED **

$1 WELLS

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

TUES 4/24

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

timeflies with MILK N COOKIES

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

WED 4/25

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

BATTLE OF THE BARCRAWLS Come Barcrawl with your friends Best Bar Crawl Wins a Party! go to www.FirehausBar.com for details

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

PAUL SIMON: Under African Skies film screening (Early Show!) 312 VIBE NIGHT (Late Show!)

$2 U Call It

$3 EVERYTHING ELSE

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Green Street Café

SPECIAL NIGHT

WELCOME MOMS! We are giving away Mom's T-Shirts All Weekend Long!

WED 4/18

35 E. Green Street

MINUTE TO WIN IT - 11 PM Win a Jack Daniels Bags Set $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo, $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

SATURDAY: WELCOME MOMS! Live Acoustic Music 12-3 Live Music 4-7 Outdoor DJ Spinning Oldie Mash-Ups 8-12

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

Watch the Hawks with 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

JC Brooks & the Uptown Sound! 7:30PM! DJ Delayney (Late) $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

WELCOME MOMS! Live Music 7-10PM Party in the Beer Garden and on the Dance Floor!

Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

FRI: JC Brooks & the Uptown Sound! 7:30PM! DJ Delayney (Late) $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

FRIDAY: EVERYDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $2.50 Summer Shandy Special Night $5.50 Jager Bombs $3. Dr. Mcgillicuddy's Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich $2.50 Summer Shandy Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $2.50Wednesday MIC Night $3OPEN Strong Islands $2.50 Corona $4 Oh Yeahs $2.50 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

THURS 4/19

HAWKS PLAYOFFS Game 4 - 7pm Hawks vs Coyotes Bulls vs Heat 7pm Red Beer on Tap! $2.50 Jameson, $2.50 Bud Lt. $3 Vegas Bombs

$1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Drinks

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

FRI 4/20

4/20 PARTY! $3 Bottles of Hemp & Smoke Ale! $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries WELCOME MOMS!

$2 Blue Moon $3 Strong Island $4 Double Vodka Drinks

$2.50 Summer Shandy $3 Captain & Coke $3 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $4 Strong Islands

SAT 4/21

Welcome Mom's HAWKS PLAYOFFS Game 5 - 9PM Hawks vs Coyotes Bulls vs Mavs 7pm Red Beer on Tap

$3 Wells $4 Guinness Bottles $5 Double Whiskey Wells

$2.50 Summer Shandy $3 Captain & Coke $3 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $4 Strong Islands

Watch Every Hawks and Bulls Playoff Game Here!

SUN 4/22

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Cubs vs Reds 1pm Cards vs Pitt 1pm

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$1 Coors and Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells $3 Calls $4 Oh Yeah's

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Watch the Cubs and Cards at 1PM with $4 Cups of Shots

MON 4/23

BLACKHAWKS PLAYOFFS Hawks vs Coyotes 7pm Red Beer on Tap! 1/2 Priced Apps 4-10pm

$5 High Life Pitchers $1 Wells 8-12 $4 Pizzas and $0.50 Slices

$2 Coors and Bud Light Pints $2 Vodka Cranberry $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

Watch the Hawks at 7 and then it's MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

TUES 4/24

BATTLE OF THE BARCRAWLS Come Barcrawl with your friends! Best Bar Crawl Wins a Party! FirehausBar.com for details

$4 Corona $2 Tequila Shots $1 Wells $3 Double Vodkas

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Ezra Furman Live! Doors Open at 8PM Special Guest Bill and Will from The Divide and Chamerlin

8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

WED 4/25

$3 Strong Islands

Blackhawks Playoffs (if needed) Hawks vs Coyotes 9pm Bulls vs Pacers 6pm Red Beer on Tap $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo, $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

$2.50 Summer Shandy $2.50 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeahs

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

The Duke of Uke CD Release Party 7:30PM! DJ and Dancing (Late)

WELCOME MOMS! Live Acoustic Music 12-3 Live Music 4-7 Outdoor DJ Spinning Oldie Mash-Ups 8-12 Watch the Hawks at 9PM!

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN

ABSOLUT MOM’S WEEKEND $2.50 Mom's Day Pints $4 Absolut Drinks & Blue Guys $2 Lite and Coors Light Drafts Grab a Kam's Mom Shirt!

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

Welcome Moms! No Cover!

WELCOME MOMS!

Mom's Weekend Open at 5pm! We are giving away Mom's T-Shirts All Night Long!

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

Welcome Moms! No Cover!

WELCOME MOMS!

Mom's Weekend We are giving away Mom's T-Shirts All Weekend Long!

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion! Contact our Event Planner at 217-722-9000 or CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 4/23

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic Pitchers

SUN 4/22

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

ABSOLUT MOM’S WEEKEND $2.50 Mom's Day Pints $4 Absolut Drinks & Blue Guys $2 Lite and Coors Light Drafts Absolut Best Mom Contest! Win a 3-Hour Limo Package!

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

SAT 4/21

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Hawks Playoffs at 9PM & KLUB KAM’S w/ DJ Jay $2 UV Blue Guys $2 Lite and Coors Light $2.50 Traders & Revel Stoke $1 Rolling Rock & HL Bottles

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

FRI 4/20

Frattle of the DJ’s $1000.00 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

WELCOME MOMS!

THURS 4/19

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

FRIDAY & SATURDAY: Welcome Moms! No Cover!

Red Lion PROM 2012 Wednesday, May 2nd $1 U CALL IT We've Converted Lion to Look Like your Prom! Discounted Tickets on Sale at RedLionChampaign.com

WED 4/18

ABSOLUT MOM’S WEEKEND $2.50 Mom's Day Pints $4 Absolut Drinks & Blue Guys $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS MONDAY $1 Fatty Bottles $1 Wells, $2 Energy $3 Pitchers!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Country Nite $3.50 Dbl Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts “Drink in Yur Mason Jar”

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

BATTLE OF THE BARCRAWLS Come Barcrawl with your friends! Best Bar Crawl Wins a Party! FirehausBar.com for details

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the DJ’s FINALS! $1000 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

BATTLE OF THE BARCRAWLS Come Barcrawl with your friends! Best Bar Crawl Wins a Party! FirehausBar.com for details

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 4/25

Closed

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

TUES 4/24

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

SPECIAL NIGHT

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

FEELING STRESSED ABOUT SCHOOL?

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Week

of the

Major: Animal Science Relationship Status: Single What is your mom’s favorite drink?: Vodka Cranberry What is your mom’s cup size?: She won’t tell me, but I would guess DD… I’ve been told she’s a MILF. Have you ever walked in on your mother during a sexual act?: Thankfully, no. Wish I could say the same about her walking in on me. Is your mom single?: Happily married, sorry boys. Would your mom rater give a blowjob to Justin Beiber or R. Kelly?: Beibs. Mom’s favorite band from her prime?: Bon Jovi. “Livin’ on a Prayer” is her jam. What does your mom bench? More than you. What is your mom’s favorite campus bar?: Geo’s, obvi. Is your mother a cougar?: Absolutely, she chose Beibs real quick on that other question. If your mom was a stripper what would her stage name be?: Tippy Cyprus If your mom was to date any celeb who would it be?: John Bon Jovi. Apparently she’s got a real thing for him. When did you stop breastfeeding?: Still haven’t… YOLO.

Diana Zinnel geo's drinking game:

Get All Dazed and Confused Watching "Dazed and Confused"!

In the spirit of 4/20 (and we know you all will be in good spirits), this week’s drinking game is dedicated to getting CRUNK. What you’ll need: Dazed & Confused DVD, the company of Mary-Jane, and, of course, booze. Players: As many as you want. Just check to make sure none of them are undercover. Level of Intoxication: Dazed and confused doesn’t even begin to describe the level you’ll be at. How to Play: -Take one drink every time the following happens during the movie -Slater smokes a joint. -Mitch grabs his nose while talking. -A freshman gets paddled. -Anytime the word "party" is mentioned. -The Emporium is shown. -Anybody is shown driving around. -Every time O'Bannion's flunking senior year is mentioned.

Still Standing? Continue to Level 2, champ!: -Take a hit and a drink every time the following happens -Anybody makes out with anybody. -Mitch is shown drinking or smoking a joint. -A mailbox is broken. -Wooderson says the phrase "All right.” -Someone rips a bong. -Someone shotguns a beer.

The Game Ends When: The movie’s over. If you’re still conscious at this point, we’ll buy you Chipotle, maybe even ask for your autograph.

Thirsty for More?

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Darrel Johnzen kam's

Major: Stacking Dairy Relationship Status: Clean, willing, and able. Would your mom rather beer bong or keg stand?: Gargoyle the keg. How often does your mom masturbate?: She doesn’t need, daddy’s got it. What is your mother’s hard alcohol of choice?: Sex on the Beach Are you mother’s breasts real or fake?: Homegrown What college did your mom go to?: Johns Hopkins Is your mom a MILF?: By my standards, of course. On a scale of Teen Mom to Real Housewives of Atlanta which reality show would your mom be on?: She’s good enough for her own. Is your mother a squirter?: Easily Does your mom prefer Bud or Miller?: The green bud. What is your mom’s favorite drinking game?: Never Have I Ever. Is your mother acceptable of your sexual orientation?: Obvi. Was your mom a party animal?: The biggest.

recipe for disaster:

Baked POTatoes

T’was the night of 4/20, and all through Champaign, A crazy trip was what everyone hoped to obtain, We’ll give you this recipe for a sweet treat, But you’ll have to use your imagination, since we must be discreet… What You’ll Need: A potato, cannabutter, potato toppings of your liking (cheese, bacon bits, sour cream... go crazy with it!). Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Not too shabby, depending on how wild you get with your toppings. Let’s Get Baked (...but actually though): - Poke holes into your POTato with a fork and bake at 350F for 30 minutes. - Cut the top off of your POTato and scoop out the insides, forming a bowl. - Mix your BUDder and ingredients with the insides until semi-smooth but still a bit chunky. - Stuff your POTato back up and cook in the oven for 5 more minutes. - Enjoy the ride! Enjoy these POTatoes for your munchie pleasures, Give it a half hour and you’ll discover their hidden treasures, If they don’t suffice, make another and don’t be shy, Merry 4/20 to all, and to all a good high.

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Review Page

BOOZE REVIEW

booze review: Kinky liqueur | grade: C Overview: Some people like things kinky, whether it’s a finger up the ole’ butt during sexy time or locks, stocks and two smoking fetishes. Others are a little more traditional because the big man upstairs just demands missionary-style sex. This bev is not for the latter group.

it with their overly demanding girlfriends, women on bachelorette parties, a suburban mom looking for fun once her children go to sleep, housewives of Orange County (or any neighboring Californian county, really).

History: Many porn stars saw incredible success in the 1970s. However, stardom soon faded as the years passed and the internet was invented. These vixens-turned-venture-capitalists soon realized that it is difficult to live on paltry paychecks from forty years ago and formed an alliance. Well, it only seemed logical that this alliance would create something as arousing as a liqueur containing “succulent mango, blood orange and passion fruit flavors.” Now that they pop Viagra like daily vitamins while searching for new sources of stimulation, why not bottle their promiscuous youth and call it Kinky?

User Comments: “I had testicles before I drank this.” “You had me at Kinky.” “It’s sweet, like my dream guy. Minus the overly perverse side.” “I like Kinky. I can see Kinky in my future.”

Typical Drinkers: Women, those looking for a particularly exotic night, men into martinis, girls who love the color pink, girls in relationships who get it as a gift from their limp boyfriend, limp boyfriends who drink

The Mixer Center

Conclusion: Retailing at $17.99, it would be safe to consider purchasing this bottle straight-up masochism. This product is out of the price range for many college consumers in the market for a liqueur. In addition, Kinky is 34 proof, which is about 30 proof too low for your typical college binge drinker. Unless you have a fetish for sweet drinks, keep this one out of your sack.

Sprite: C+ Pink Lemonade: C-

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Semen: D+ Tears of Disappointment: B-

THe top ten

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Reasons Not to Invite Your Mom to Mom’s Weekend 10) Your Mom Lives Vicariously Through You: In high school you had it all. You were involved, popular, and your body hadn’t quite suffered the freshman 15 yet. The problem? Your mom thought she had all of that, too. She desperately strived for your friends’ attention, wanted every detail about your sex life, and borrowed so many of your clothes that you wound up wearing a bed sheet to school one day. 9) Your Mom’s Really Sweet (aka Boring): Most of your friends’ moms want to drink a few bottles of wine and party on Joe’s dance floor like the good old days. Your mom wants to eat a nice brunch, visit the craft fair in the union, and be in bed by nine o’clock. Let her stay home; she’d probably rather be knitting anyway.

The Mother of All Paranoia

carl wrote this

Stacy and her mom cuddle up in Stacy’s dorm room for some mother-daughter bonding time, when Stacy’s mom see’s a doobie sitting on her night stand. Mom: Stacy, what is this? Stacy: Oh, um, it’s Kelsey’s. She’s such a troublemaker – I don’t even know what it is since I’ve been so busy reading the Bible lately. Mom: Smells like some good kush. Stacy: …What did you just say? Mom: I’m just saying your roomie has some great taste, sweetie. I used to smoke the best hydroponic in college. Stacy: Seriously? Well, actually it’s mine – do you want to smoke a bit? Mom: Ha! Let a pro show you how it’s done. With that, Stacy’s mom popped the joint in her mouth and lit up, taking in a deep gulp before coughing out a plume of smoke. A few puffs and another coughing fit or two later, Stacy and her mom were both thoroughly high. Mom: Oh man, it’s been a while since I’ve smoked. Do you think I’m too old for this? I mean I seriously might be too old for this. Stacy: Nah, man – I mean mom. Don’t sweat it. You’re not that old. Mom: So I am old… I’m the freaking crypt keeper. Oh my God, I haven’t done anything with my life. Stacy: What’re you talking about, ma? You’ve raised Steve and me – that’s pretty awesome, yeah? Mom: Oh please, I’m just a freaking housewife. I was going to be famous. But now I’m so old. Death is at my doorstep. Oh my goodness, every second that passes by I’m getting closer and closer to death. Stacy: Whoa mom, calm down. Mom: Calm down? I’m dying here, and you’re telling me to calm down. I knew I didn’t breastfeed you long enough – you don’t even care about me anymore. Stacy: Where the hell did that come from?

Mom: Oh, I don’t know Stacy, where did all the monsters under your bed come from? You think those kinds of things are just made up? Where do you think the concept of monsters came from? They’re real and they absolutely do live under your bed. Stacy: There are monsters under my bed? Mom: Yeah, and they’re called unplanned pregnancy, dropping out, alcoholism, and syphilis. They all manifest under your bed while you hook up with strange men and drink drinks that you didn’t make yourself. And they fester and wait for you to sleep so they can crawl out and finally take over your life. Buhbye law school applications, see ya later future country club membership, talk to you never doctor husband. I’m just a little girl who still hasn’t learned how to make her bed and doesn’t remember to call her grandma when it’s her 95th birthday. Stacy: But mom, I swear— Mom: Yeah that’s right, baby doll. You’re in the real world now. Responsibility is around every corner. Even when you try to spend a nice weekend visiting your daughter you have to give her fifty bucks for groceries, even though your husband only made a gross net of $6,000 last year, and you’re about to lose the house. But no, your ungrateful daughter can’t get a job because her “job is school.” And sure, even though she’s underage she’s going to keep drinking like an obvious freshman instead of playing it cool, so we can shell out another five hundred bucks we don’t have for her all-too-convenient drinking ticket. Hell, we can sell the family car and walk to our jobs from here forward – it’s not like we can afford a gym membership anymore. Stacy: I think you’ve had enough, mom. Mom: No, your father has. We haven’t had sex since Christmas. I’m pretty sure he’s going to leave me once your brother heads off to college too. But I can get a new man; I’ve still got it going on. Though you haven’t said a single thing about my new boob job. I got them because I thought they’d make me look younger, but now I just look like a corpse with clown balloons sewn onto my chest. Speaking of clowns, you will not believe who I hooked up with the other weekend. Don’t tell your father – he’ll never give me any alimony if he hears about Chuckles Norris. Boy do I love my cowboy clowns. So, want to hit the bars? I heard they’ve got a mechanical bull at Kam’s – think they’ll have any rodeo clowns on hand? Stacy’s mom grabbed her purse, adjusted the boobs in her bra, and walked out the door, leaving her stoned daughter wishing it were all just a really bad trip.

8) Your Dad is Completely Useless: You don’t have any problem with your mom visiting for the weekend. Unfortunately, your father does. The last time the two went more than ten hours apart your father had a full head of hair and Reagan was still in office. This conveniently aligns with the time your father stopped picking out his own clothing, cooking his own food, or removing his body from the couch when he wasn’t at work or sleeping. Save lives, don’t invite your mother. 7) Your Mom’s a Bigger Drunk than You: Remember how embarrassed you were when your mom spanked you in public? Nothing's worse than letting her spank you in a drinking contest in front of your college buddies. 6) Your Mom’s a Neat Freak: Back home your mom has a room that no one can sit in or walk into because she’s afraid it will get dirty. Your roommates won’t step foot into your room because the floor is lined with dirty laundry and garbage. Do you really want to clean up for your mother? 5) Your Mom’s a Bitch: Your mom’s the woman that carries a small dog everywhere and complains about the service of every restaurant you attend. She makes herself feel better by telling you what an ugly child you are. She didn’t let you go to prom, because that was for the popular kids. Don’t make your friends suffer for one day what you’ve endured your entire life. 4) Your Mom’s Really Attractive: Maybe it’s because you’re a guy that doesn’t want to hear his buddies talk about how badly they want to bone your mother. Maybe it’s because you’re the ‘Stacy’ in that Fountains of Wayne song and don’t want your current boyfriend to get all goo-goo eyed over your mother. Whatever the reason, you need to lock your attractive mother in a basement somewhere and enjoy your weekend in peace. 3) Your Mom’s a Whore: Your mom’s attractiveness may be questionable. What is not questionable is her desire for attention and/or penis. Would you rather wake up Sunday morning without a hangover because you didn’t go out with the moms, or wake up Sunday morning explaining to your father that your mother isn’t with you because she went home with your friend the night before? 2) Mommy Doesn’t Know You’re a Whore: You’ve banged your way up and down Green Street five times over. You know it, your friends know it, and every guy on campus knows it. Unfortunately, your mother doesn’t and covering it up would be too big of a pain in the ass. Put down the phone, take off your panties, and head out to the bars for the weekend. 1) Your Mother is Dead: There’s no better way to kill the mood then attempting to pull a Weekend at Bernie’s with your mother. That’s just creepy.

Ken Doll wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com Upon noticing this scene, my dad appeared behind me wearing nothing but my roommate’s robe. “Beast, What the h...” “That’s ‘The Beast’ to you,” my Father interrupted me. “Ok, ok. The Beast, at least tell me why you are wearing my roommate’s robe. Where are my roommates anyway?” “Heh, roommates? Won’t be seeing them for a while,” after seeing the look of confusion and shock on my face, The Beast said, “Son, come with me. I’ll explain everything.” I was cautious at first, but couldn't pass up an explanation for my Dad’s behavior. I followed him down the stairs and into the living room. Upon entering, he kicked his friend Joey B. in the ribs and yelled at him to wake up. “Joey, what do you want to do today?” my Father asked the recently-awoken man. “Well, Beast, I was thinkin’ ‘bout arrangin’ a humbug with the clique across the road. I figure if we pull a jap they’ll punk out pretty quick. Then we can rep our end to some debs and then go to the jump.” “You see, Nick? That’s why I’ve been acting this way.” “I don’t even know what he said.” “It doesn’t matter, you see? Dad’s Weekend opened me up to how great life can be, and also how shitty my life is. Do you think I’m

happy sitting around the house and going to a job when there are people like my friends and college students who are getting drunk and laid with different people every night?” “So you’re telling me that you would rather live like a homeless greaser than how you did before visiting Champaign?” “That’s right. When I visited your college I realized that it is entirely in my power to take control of my life. I want to be drunk all the time again. I want to bang slags on the reg. I want to throw bowling balls at things, don’t you see? And I’ve just been trying to man you up a bit because I think we can be a great team! Just like Tiger Woods and his daddy! And hey, what’s a better weekend to become a man than Mom’s Weekend?” Although I was still feeling frustrated from this and everything else that had happened in the past year, I felt, for the first time, a brief spark of understanding of what The Beast was doing. It was quickly vanquished, though, when The Beast kicked me in the shins and said, “Enough with all the pansy talk.” He then dumped water on all of his friends to wake them up and made me go with Joey B. on his chopper to buy shakes. Take these events as a warning, Mom’s Weekend goers. While this city can be fun, you never know who can be out there. Just be safe. Also, if you’re not busy, it would be cool if you could, I don’t know, maybe call the police for me. They cut all of the phone lines and turned my cell into a Zippo lighter. To be continued.

son, i'll put the shotgun down once you stop being such a pussy.

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The Movie Page cabin in the woods

Based on the Trailer

April/May 2012

The hardest you will ever laugh whilst sitting in fear. Directed by

Drew Goddard

starring

Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth

GRADE B+ mike benson wrote this Five college students decide to take a trip to an empty cabin deep in the woods armed with nothing but drugs and bad dialogue. They stop for gas and meet an old attendant who warns them about the old cabin. Ignoring him, the group heads to the cabin anyway. Unbeknownst to them, they are being watched by mysterious workers who are undertaking a massive secret operation, one which apparently is taking place all over the world. In the basement they find mysterious objects, including a mystical orb and an old diary. One of the students reads from the diary which causes zombies to rise from the grave and attack two teenagers having sex in the woods. The rest of the group then strives for survival as the technicians and zombies attempt to end their lives. This is the plot of Cabin in the Woods, and it’s hilarious. This film employs... Every. Single. Horror cliche. Ever. There’s the bad acting, the deserted cabin, the leader who suggests they all split up, the stoner who’s constantly getting high throughout the action, the dumb blonde, and the sassy brunette/redhead. There are trapdoors, cursed artifacts, teenagers getting killed while having sex in the woods, unnecessary

on dvd

explosions, and ridiculous deus ex machinas. It includes aspects of slasher, zombiesurvival, psychological thriller, supernatural, and conspiracy horror film genres, all while subsequently making fun of such genre tropes in the process. The most ironic thing about Cabin in the Woods is the way that, while it attempts to parody the horror genre and all of its lazy cliches in the fashion of films like Scream and The Evil Dead, it ends up looking disturbingly like some of the hilariously bad horror movies being released nowadays. This doesn’t hurt The Cabin in the Woods, and actually makes it seem all the more impressive that Goddard was able to make the film resemble those bad movies so well, yet still come off as intense, entertaining, and very funny. I’ll admit that most of the reason I find this movie so entertaining is because I’m a cynical bastard when it comes to movies. I know a lot of people who love going cheesy action/horror movies just to laugh at how bad they are. I do see the humor in it, but I feel like my intelligence is being insulted when I pay for those kinds of movies. All that goes through my mind is that some movie ex-

ecutives threw together a poorly planned, written, directed, and acted film and knew that people would enjoy it and that they would make money off of it. But not from me. Because of this unhealthy way of thinking, Cabin in the Woods got a resounding “Fuck yes!” from me. Finally these sins are being called out. Even if nothing happens because of it, I am satisfied. This movie even made me appreciate how those cheesy horror movies can actually be entertaining from a comedic standpoint. As I watched the film I was impressed with the way that the actors were able to do perfect impressions of the horrible actors in bad horror movies. Then it occurred to me that they are really just impersonating bad acting. Maybe they are all just bad actors. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. And because of that, Cabin in the Woods is stuck with a “B+”. While this might read as an “A” review, the fact is that Cabin in the Woods, if you ignore the ingenious meta references and genre bending, is really just another bad horror movie at heart. No matter how entertaining, no bad horror movie will ever get an “A” rating from me (Except for Apollo 18, that movie was amazing).

Consequences of the Cabin

Starring: Oscar, an adorable baby chimp; narrated by Tim Allen What You Need to Know: This documentary tells us the story of Oscar, a baby chimpanzee. Showcasing his intelligence and incredibly adorable personality, we see how Oscar's chimp family gets down in the craziness that is the wild forest. What We Think: Thank you, Disney, for making a wonderfully beautiful (HD nature!) and entertaining (cute baby animals!) IMAX film just in time for 4/20, which is also Earth Day, you guys. Just try to keep the giggles to a minimum and grab some popcorn to cover up the stank, and you'll be fine next to all the families that are also watching this film.

The Five-Year Engagement april 27 Starring: Emily Blunt, Jason Segel What You Need to Know: This Judd Apatow-produced comedy is about a couple's relationship as it unfolds during a bumpy five-year engagement, including moving cities, climates and, of course, emotions. What We Think: Judd Apatow + Jason Segel + rom com = good enough. Though this film definitely teeters on the border of "Aww, kind of cheesy" and "Oh my gosh, I think I might barf," we all know it'll still be entertaining. We won't be rushing to the theaters for this, but we'll line it up for a hungover Sunday with a few mimosas.

The Perfect Family

Contraband Crime After Crime The Innkeepers Pariah

May 1 Peter Jackson stopped filming Lord of the Rings: Return of the King three times so his crew could watch what 2002 Eli Roth horror film?

april 20

answers are a few from here

April 24

Joyful Noise Haywire New Year's Eve W.E.

Chimpanzee

In The Evil Dead five students from this Big Ten school venture to a Tennessee cabin.

This 1987 Samuel L. Jackson film is based off the best-selling novel of the 19th’s century.

This FX funnyman has a feature role in 2008’s The Strangers.

may 4th

Starring: Kathleen Turner, Emily Deschanel What You Need to Know: Kathleen Turner plays the perfect suburban mom, and is running for Catholic Woman of the Year. Unfortunately for her, she has to introduce her family members to the board for approval, including her lesbian daughter and alcoholic hubby. What We Think: With some awards under its belt and a promising, unique cast, this movie appears to be pretty legitimate even if the plot line is a little tired. If they can spin this into a not-too-blantant PSA for gay and lesbian rights, then it'll come off as earnest rather than cheesy and be all good.

the music page

the best non-headliners at summer camp music festival 2012 It’s almost that time of the year. The days are getting progressively longer and sooner or later the sun will finally decide to stay out. It’s springtime in Illinois, which means that right around the corner is the best damn time of the year – festival season. One of the first of the season (in our general vicinity anyway, bug off Coachella) is the Summer Camp Music Festival in Chillicothe, Illinois, about two hours south of Chicago. Rustic, in the middle of nowhere, full of 20-something hippies, 17-year-old ravers and everyone else in between. Ah, you can smell the chemicals already. Summer Camp goers are split into two camps. Some get huge boners over the 3 days of jam band staples moe. and Umphrey’s McGee. Others boast diamond cutters over Pretty Lights' practically mainstream bro-step. Still, we’re looking to dig deep, to find the non-headliner hidden treasures. So veer left of the main stage and get lost amongst the weirdos, because you never know what kind of awesome little band you’ll stumble upon that just might change your life. And don’t worry about getting lost, because you’re amongst the like-minded at Summer Camp. Hailing from Toronto, Canada, electronic music duo Zed’s Dead is a group that you’ve seen towards the bottom of music festival bills. Why haven’t these guys gotten more love? Beats us, but here’s to hoping 2012 is their year. Signed to Diplo’s progressive and growing Mad Decent label, Zed’s Dead have been playing music for nearly a decade. With a solid electronic and subtle dubstep (yes, somehow that’s a thing) sound that mixes in faint hints of hip-hop, these guys are as original as they are talented and totally worth checking out. Download: “Eyes on Fire”, “Rude Boy”

It’s a crime against humanity if you’re at a festival with the opportunity to see Shpongle and you choose not to see them. The psychedelic trance duo from the UK makes an appearance at Summer Camp with The Masquerade, a gigantic structure that, in simple terms, trips you the fuck out. We spoke with Simon Posford of Shpongle recently, who said he likes performing at large festivals because “the music generally works best without a roof over your head. The sky

and the stars, it allows your mind to open more, perhaps.” Shpongle defines the festival-going experience, and their unique, creative, and all-around unforgettable performance should be high on your priority list. But if you want to leave with your brain intact, then it might be best to just go sit by a tree during Umphrey’s. Download: A video of their show, and hold on tight.

AraabMuzik will be performing his sexy blend of hip-hop and original electronic music for our pleasure at this year’s festival. Born and raised in Rhode Island with a professional singer for a mom, this half-Dominican, half-Guatemalan young buck has been playing music since he was three. ArrabMuzik incorporates all sorts of different musical genres in what he produces, from soul and jazz to dubstep and trance, this dude will definitely be a hit with the festival crowd. With his electronic music being what everyone will want to vibe to, no one will be able to deny the need to shake it to his fast-paced dancey tunes. Download: “Streetz Tonight”, “Electronic Dream”

If you’re bummed that you missed Girl Talk last year, then VibeSquaD might be the guy to fill the hole in your heart. Not quite a mash-ups artist, VibeSquaD incorporates plenty of awesome rap samples into his inventive electronic tunes, making his music infinitely catchy. This white boy from Colorado reps his home state like it’s nobody’s business, and his energy on stage is infectious. But he’s not all catchy hooks from popular rap songs; his original beats stand with the

best, and he’s definitely someone to check out if you want to get a little nasty. Download: “As We Are”, “Colorado in this Weezy"

If there’s one act that we’re most excited for, it’s dubstep DJ extraordinaire 12th Planet. First gracing our presence at last year’s Electric Forest Music Festival, Los Angeles native 12th Planet is a festival regular who doesn’t get the love he deserves. Infinitely passionate and full of energy on stage, 12th Planet’s live shows are as ridiculous as his beats and bass drops. We spoke with him earlier this year, and he said that you can expect lots of “jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun” at his live shows, and we’re definitely excited to experience that all again at this year’s festival. Download: “Needed Change”, “Ratchet Strap”

If you’ve ever been to a festival, then you know that most of the memories you make are when you stumble into a band late in the day, or in the darkness of the night, that’ll change the music you listen to forever. We all know that no matter what, festivals are about doing what feels right and having the best time ever, so go with the flow, go in with an open mind, and go crazy. Summer Camp Music Festival is May 25th-27th. Tickets are still available at summercampfestival.com.

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becoming a man on mom's weekend alex dimaris wrote this Mom’s Weekend is the most magical weekend in the entire year. It represents a chance for boys to become men by finally living out their adolescent fantasies. Fantasies rehearsed tirelessly by carefully digesting and analyzing every MILF porno ever made (boy, there sure are a lot of ‘em). This is not easily done, however, and there are several things one must keep in mind when attempting to conquer the make-or-break weekend of manhood: Mom’s Weekend. One of the most valuable weapons at a boy’s disposal on Mom’s Weekend is lube. Think about it. She squeezed three kids out and then promptly put them through college. She lived through Vietnam and 9/11. She’s also gone through menopause. For those of you unfamiliar, that means a caterpillar crawled up her vagina, formed a cocoon, hatched from said cocoon, and then flew out of her vagina as a fully formed butterfly. And you expect her to get moist over your scrawny ass? For the average man, roughly 100-120 fluid ounces of lube should be enough to get the job done, but store butter somewhere in your room just in case. (Pro Tip: Margarine works just as well. Avoid Tabasco sauce.) While lube is a good aid, you also need to bring some energy into the situation. Prepare yourself physically and mentally as if you are about to run a marathon. Consume only pasta, bread and smelly cheeses for weeks prior to your conquest, you need to come in (and on) with laser-like focus. When you’re screwing, you aren’t screwing just for yourself, you are representing an entire generation, a generation that has been dismissed as spoiled, apathetic, and selfish. You need to show these ladies that, although those accusations are totally true, we also swing a big dick. In order to get any girl - or woman - you need to create the illusion of actually having something to offer another person. And in order to bag an old bag on Mom’s Weekend you need to accentuate your youth. That’s why I advocate abandoning any attempt at hygiene and dress-

ing down in preparation for this event. Let that manly musk radiate from your body. Wear shirts with food stains. Grow out that wiry mustache. Since we’re talking about shaving; don’t expect Mrs. Mom to be trimmed and neat downstairs. That’s new shit. Also, familiarize yourself with wild life, because you’re about to come in contact with the angriest beaver you have ever seen in your life. It is important to be prepared for anything and everything. It takes a real man to bed a woman twice his age. You have to be fearless. If you are scared of tiny winged rodents you need to give this dream up now, because bats are going to come flying out of that cave. You need to unflinchingly place your face inches away from her clap-closet and hold it there as the smell of death singes your eyebrows. Also, don’t be alarmed when her vagina literally molds itself to the contours of your penis like some sort of organic silly-putty. If this all seems a bit over the top, you need to consider more who you’re dealing with. No matter what they tell their daughters, we all know these broads got absolutely wrecked back in their heyday. They’ve seen and done it all: threesomes, foursomes, five-and-a-halfsomes (3 women, 2 men and 1 midget of undisclosed gender). You need to bring something new; that’s why I advise keeping a hammock, a snow cone maker, and some whips handy. Just keep in mind that brittle bones break easy. Also, keep some extra throw pillows around for extra back support. By far the most important thing is to be brave. When you are making that disturbing, wrinkly love, keep in mind that your grandfather was part of the generation that fought Nazis and survived an economic depression. Remember that the generation of the mother underneath you survived Vietnam and the stagnant existence of mid-to-late 1970’s life. While our generation might not have much going for it, the least you can do is bang that MILF with pride, bravery, and grace under pressure.

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the Quiz

What Kind of Weed Are You?

1. When you go to pick up a bag, you… a. Throw money at the guy and take off as fast as you can b. Stick around to chat about the Charlie Sheen for a minute or two c. Try to get a free bowl or two out of the guy who sold it to you. 2. Your favorite stoner food is… a. Some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, some beef jerky, some peanut butter, some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, red popcorn, graham crackers, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, two big pizzas, water, and Funyuns. b. A delicious burger topped with a steak c. Your left arm

3. Your bud b-delivery mechanism of choice is… a. Bong b. Blunt c. Bowl 4. After you get stoned, the subsequent paranoia that sets in is because… a. …Like, totally everyone can tell how high I am. b. …Why…why is my heart beating so fast? c. …If we keep being so loud, the cops are definitely going to hear us from the street... 5. The funniest thing you’ve ever seen when you were high was... a. Two dogs having sex on YouTube...or was that YouPorn? b. A picture of Nic Cage with bird hair.

c. An old person eating pudding. 6. You’re best at this when you’re baked out of your face… a. Mario Kart b. Bowling c. Watching Transformers 7. When “White Rabbit” peaks… a. Throw the tape recorder into the bathtub. b. Put on some gangsta rap. c. What the fuck are you talking about? 8. If your Mom saw how you answered this quiz, she would… a. Push herself further into denial. b. Ask you to roll her up a fatty. c. Tell you not to get in trouble.

Answers

1) A3 B2 C1 3) A2 B1 C3 5) A1 B2 C3 7) A3 B2 C1

2) A2 B3 C1 4) A3 B1 C2 6) A2 B3 C1 8) A1 B3 C2

results

8-13: Schwag, really? Let me guess, you’re a freshman who bought it off of some other freshman who knows a guy in his hometown, and he swears that it usually comes with all of these stems and seeds, but it’s still the bomb. Can you even get high off of this stuff? 9-16: Looks like you're the mids There ain’t no shame in being a secondclass citizen; you get the masses high day in and day out. Plus, in these tough financial times, you’ree the best deal on the market. Good for you! 17-24: You're the stickiest of the sticky icky Man, where’d you get that dank? We better fire one up before I bounce out of here ‘cuz I’m not sure I’m ever going to see something that potent again. You been hanging out with Snoop or something?

Movie Trivia Answers: 1) Cabin Fever 2) Michigan State 3) Uncle Tom's Cabin 4) Glenn Howerton