IL - 4/25/12 - v20i14 by The Black Sheep

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The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

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Volume 20, Issue 14 4/25/12 - 5/2/12

the class schedule monster Corey Guastini wrote this

Once upon a time, there was a young wood elf named Kevin who lived in the enchanted Fairy Forest. It was a magical place where unicorns and centaurs galloped under thick trees that glittered in the moonlight. One could even see mermaids who, on occasion, would swim in too far during high tide and became stranded in the freshwater forest rivers—stupid mermaids. Kevin was a freshman at the local university. With the spring semester nearing a close, it was time to register for fall classes. As it was, Kevin would be one of the last students to register. This didn’t have to be the case. In fact, he could be the first student in all the college to sign up for classes. All he had to do was kill the Jabberwock. This prize had been offered to the students for twenty-five years with zero success. Kevin was extremely frightened by the prospect of hunting down the Jabberwock. Men much more skilled than he had tried to kill it and failed, but Kevin really did not want class on Fridays. Early one morning, with a picture of the Jabberwock given to him by his father in hand, he set out to find it. Surprisingly, he came upon the Jabberwock digging in a garden outside of town, less than an hour after his departure. He quietly crept behind the fearsome creature. One swift swing of his sword later, it was dead. Clutching the Jabberwock’s head in his fist, Kevin returned triumphantly shouting, “I killed it! I killed the Jabberwock!” At the sound of Kevin’s excited shouts, the town filled the streets and cheered. Their cheers quieted down and turned into disturbed screams when the Jabberwock's head came in clear view. “That’s not the Jabberwock!” a townsman shouted, “That’s that lost pet!”

crept up behind the Jabberwock with his sword poised to kill. “I know you’re there,” the Jabberwock said. “You know what this is? This is a 1964 Ferrari 250 GTO. My father and I have been working on this car for ten years. He loves this car. Well, loved this car. He died last week, just days before we put the final touches on it.” The Jabberwock then lit a cigarette, took a few drags, and began to cry. “I miss him, man. Fuck, I miss him.” Moved by the emotion of the moment, Kevin decided he couldn’t kill the Jabberwock.

As it turned out, Kevin’s dad had accidentally given him a picture from a lost dog poster a kid had passed out earlier. Honest mistake. Embarrassed, Kevin handed the head to the dog’s owner, said sorry, got his hands on an accurate depiction of the Jabberwock, and headed back into the woods. The crowd awkwardly dispersed. This time, the hunt took longer, but by sunset, Kevin had found the real Jabberwock. It was buffing a bright red car in the middle of a forest clearing. Kevin quietly

All night, Kevin listened to old anecdotes about the

Jabberwock’s father, occasionally interjecting with things like, “He sounded like a great guy,” and, “He’ll be missed by everyone,” even though he would not be missed by everyone. Jabberwocks kill people in the Fairy Forest. That’s the whole reason there’s a bounty on their heads. When the sun came up, the Jabberwock thanked Kevin and wondered how he could repay him. “Here, take this,” the Jabberwock said, handing Kevin an old lava lamp. “This was my father’s favorite lava lamp. I want you to have it.” Kevin thought this was weird, but po-

continued on page 19

Other stuff

Inside

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Hey! that doesn't really look like a chainsaw to me!

A guide to telling if your exchanges are going to suck.

see page 6

see page 10

see page 21

The Summer Job Hunt

Smartphone Games: Friend or Foe?

Thar She Blows!

EVERY THURSDAY!

$250 TRADERS & REVEL STOKE $1 ROLLING ROCK & HIGH LIFE BOTTLES

KLUB KAM’S FEATURING DJ JAY LAVITOLA

$2 UV BLUE GUYS | $2 LITE AND COORS LIGHT

EVERY TUESDAY!

THIS WEDNESDAY!

THE FRATTLE OF THE DJs COUNTRY NIGHT! DRINK IN YUR MASON JAR! FINALE! $3.50 DBL. JIM BEAM & RED STAG DRINKS

$1000 IN CASH & PRIZES!

$1.50 LITE DRAFTS

$1.50 BUD FAMILY BOTTLES, $5 PITCHERS $2.50 BACARDI DRINKS, $3.50 BLUE GUYS

KAM’S

618 E. Daniel St. | Champaign | 217.337.3300 | kamsillini.com

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Table of > > >

PAGE 5 >>

The Ejaculation Conundrum page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

PAGE 7 >>

Mia Za’s Plot to Destroy Zorba’s

In the words of a scared 16-yearold, “Don’t blow it!’ (all over my face).

page 17 >> Booze Review: Sobieski Karamel

Willy Wonka’s really outdone himself this time.

Summer Sports for the Less page 18 >> The Top Ten ways to kill the mood in the Active-Minded

Surviving the Rest of the Year Without Grocery Shopping

page 20 >> Movie Review: Chimpanzee

From The Streets

Before You Ink page 23 >> Think A PSA From Your Local Tattoo

You’ll go apeshit for this one.

One man’s quest to hit rock bottom.

PAGE 9 >>

bathroom... or car, urban outfitters dressing room, you know, wherever.

We’re still petitioning the Olympic committee to get napping on the slate for London.

page 9>>

These sexy servers want to put something in your mouth.

Their whole business model is going up in flames.

page 8 >>

contents

How do you plan on celebrating Cinco de Mayo?

Artist

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen Eric Blokel distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Landon Mills Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Michael Rottar | Alexander Dimaris Colin O'Keefe | Ashley Perl

pr manageRs Abbie Welch & Ken Halvachs photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page four

pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

sses. t fail one of my cla terrified that I migh I’m Dear Carl, d an l oo sch of weeks I’m in my last two afford another semester. What if I do? I can’t tion - So Close to Gradua your ing, Ohhhh, so you can’t check lly, you ost There, Keep Go Dear So Close, Alm rticular course doesn’t have Compass e? Essentia tim my ng pa sti s wa thi uld you be are worth I’m assuming ise why the fuck wo dering most finals grades online, otherwt your shit together and grovel. Consi yourself out of this danger ge ll ing your have two weeks to al grade, you can try acing that to pu ing. Just start email up to 50% of your fin in. But you know what? Forget study being the only eyewitness elf ing death threats forss protection program. zone you find yours found yourself receiv tne s year teacher saying you you’re about to be put under the wi t what you learned thi lie you on tha r d pe an r pa a rde do mu t a r jus to ve to ate ve wh ser e de u sur yo make that Then convince him cause papers are so much easier. Just to make your teacher be enough so st lea at – instead of a final, saying, ate ric borate and int iously the stupidest luck with tell is incredibly ela t up.” Which is ser od shi t go e, tha tim ke an ma me n’t think, “Wow, you ca u can always make that shit up. In the yo because trust me, your life stuff. Cheers, Carl

a slap in the face? some life advice, or maybe just Got a question? Concern? Need ail.com Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

If you woke up with face paint in the crotchal area...well, now you know why... Think your caption is good enough for Page Four? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

caption@theblacksheeponline.com

sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers

jennifer lawrence & prince harry

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Carneverous

A Overload Wench

Llama Peril Whirls

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: The act of owning a car, but refusing to lend it to, or give rides to, anyone. Blaine is a carneverous dick, he never lets anyone drive his BMW M3.

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SEX

The Ejaculation Conundrum

and the Cu

Carly Anne wrote this

Once again folks, I’m here to ask the questions you’re too damn scared to ask, breaking the news to you like an alcoholic breaks expensive urns – intentionally and without apology. Today I’m delving into a sensitive topic, where does one ejaculate when the time cums? Let’s discuss your options. For chumps, there’s the Biblical option – inside. There are only a few circumstances where this is acceptable: if you’re married, in a super-committed relationship, using powerful contraceptives, or really want to ruin your significant other’s life. The best part is the lack of clean up, and let’s be honest, it’s kind of hot. But abortions are not hot at all, so really this one’s the worst choice for you. If you’re ever going to go for this option, though, make certain you have her absolute consent to do so – or prepare for some fatal consequences. Or at least get ready to shell out twenty bucks for some Plan B. Fellas, I know pulling out is your favorite means of birth control. However, you seriously need to think ahead just a little bit. Once you cover your lady’s chest with your junk, you can’t just leave her there. Be a gentleman and offer her some tissues, a paper towel, an old t-shirt, or even some nice wet wipes to clean her up with, especially if you let loose on her back. You’re essentially laying Thor’s Mjölnir on her, rendering her unable to move until someone helps wipe her down, lest she get semen all over the covers.

Another way to go at it is to warn your lady and have her quickly get to her knees in order to receive the brunt of your man batter. Once again, there is absolutely no clean-up (as long as the girl is a halfway decent person and knows to swallow). This method is essentially the best way to keep your pleasure at maximum level until your climax is complete without risking pregnancy. Of course she’s got to suffer through the taste of your spunk, but whatever, that’s her problem – if she’s any good at sex she ought to be used to the taste by now. The moneyshot has become more popular amongst the younger generation, as parents are turning to porn to teach their children about sex rather than suffer through the awkward conversation themselves. But gentlemen, I beg you, be considerate of her eyes. Getting jizzy eyes is like getting salt and lemon in a cut, but worse because it’s humiliating and turns your eyes red all day so people think you’re high, but you’re not. You’re miserable. Finally there’s the panicked choice, which isn’t a choice at all, really. It’s more so that you suddenly realize you’re about to orgasm and wildly pull out and just cum everywhere. On the sheets, in her hair, all over the pillow, dripping from the ceiling – you basically shot off like Old Faithful all over your room. Obviously, this is one selection you’d prefer to avoid. It must be pretty embarrassing to lose control of your wang babies like that.

N U R F F O Y A L P S L L U B E H T H C T A W

AT JOES!

CHEAPS BEERS • HALF PRICE BURGERS OUTDOOR TVs • WINGS & FRIES

Oh, and also up her butt. Your lady lets you do anal? Good for you, man. Hopefully this has helped give you some foresight on what the hell you’re supposed to do in this last minute, awkward dilemma. In my opinion, having her swallow should be option number one, but if you’ve got some leftover McDonalds napkins then feel free to pull out and go nuts all over her. You kids have fun now.

RED BULL CHARIOT RACE.

And lo, on this night, teams of three gladiators in their finest togas shall endeavor to attain eternal glory. Great modern minds will design and build their chariots, race them up and down the streets, creating a party that honors the gods of Mount Olympus.

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MAY 2, 2012, OFF S 6TH STREET (Between E John & E Greene) CHARIOT VIEWING, 4PM. RACING STARTS at 5PM. TOGA AFTER-PARTY IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS at CLYBORNE, FIREHAUS and RED LION. redbullchariotrace.com

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W W W. E T I X .CO M

the summer job hunt

desperate times fall for desparate measures cleves wrote this Well guys, it’s almost time for the school year to be over and for us to live a life of freedom. No more school. No more homework. All we have to worry about are things like our popsicles melting, getting terrible sunburn, and being too hungover to wake up in time for The Price is Right. So it would be if we lived in a perfect world. Sorry kiddos, but unfortunately we aren’t in middle school anymore. I had hangovers in middle school so shut up. Unless you’re one of those people who don’t have to work for a living because your rich parents love and support you, also known as people I hate, then you desperately need a summer job. If you’re a senior, you desperately need a full-time job in order to move out of your parents’ basement. If you want to stay with your parents, by all means. Dinner is at 4:30. I hate to burst your bubble, but pretty much anything that’s actually worthwhile to put on your resume is too late to apply for. All the internships and nice clerical jobs have already been sucked up by those damn overachievers and their sneaky ways. But hey, you gotta make money. How else are you going to support your online porn addiction? Borrow it from your parents? Don’t worry, there are less shameful ways to get some dough. I mean, they’re shameful alright, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Your first and quickest option is always to donate plasma. I believe that God gave us various bodily substances that we can easily donate for money because he knew that most of us, at some point in our lives, would be broke and desperate. However, donating plasma is not a walk in a the park. You usually wait for about three hours getting random tests done before you finally sit in a chair for forty-five minutes next to a homeless man with no teeth, pumping out blood as fast as you can. But you know what? After it’s all said and done, you walk out with straight cash. You can crank it up a notch by donating sperm or eggs, but that could also mean that you might have a random son or daughter running around in the world some-

where. And if Star Wars has taught us anything, it’s that having unknown family members out in the world is never a good idea. Your next option would be to participate in psychological studies. Nothing like a couple of creepy graduate students sticking things on your head and touching you in odd places, then making you do stuff like run laps or think about ponies. Now that I think of it, it’s a lot like joining a Greek house on campus. Sometimes you have to fill out surveys with over 300 questions on them. Questions such as, “Does your dad make you feel special?” or, “What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you see this picture of a random building in the shape of a penis?” Psych studies usually take a long time. They’re always boring, and you don’t get paid great money. But at least you’re not potentially risking your health. Well, that’s what they promise you. Who knows these days? Your third option is to sell random stuff to people in cars. You’d be surprised by how many lonely drivers stuck in traffic are willing to buy stupid shit. Sell them your old stuffed animals, corn on the cob, or lollipops that you stole from your mom’s third grade classroom. Hell, you can even sell them random poetry and stories you wrote. Trust me, there’s nothing people love doing more than reading while driving. One nice, hot summer day spent on the streets selling stuff will make you at least $20, if not more. If you wanted to, you could also try and kill two birds with one stone by selling your plasma to people in their cars. Cut out the middle man! These are three solid options that could make you decent money for the whole summer without having to sit behind a desk. You won’t be a millionaire, nor will you have much dignity left by the time school starts again. That much time spent in a plasma donation center will lower your self esteem ten-folds, but now you know to get started on the job search much earlier next time around. In the meantime, start looking for useless things to sell.

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Mia Za’s Plot to Destroy Zorba’s Hannah Johnson wrote this

It seems like just yesterday Green Street was filled with billowing clouds of black smoke funneling out of Mia Za’s, Zorba’s, and the apartments above these businesses. And then there was the fire. After a year of rigorous labor, both of the restaurants in the fire have once again opened up to the public. While investigating both restaurants, a student was overheard saying, “Mia Za’s is so 2000 and late, definitely old news,” while exiting Zorba’s on a weekday afternoon. While it is true that this student is a bitch who needs to update her slang terminology, she brings up an important point: Mia Za’s is only staying in business because of clueless freshmen. Zorba’s, on the other hand, is being occupied by everyone within a twenty-five mile radius of Green Street. So how does Mia Za’s deal with the sudden lack of patrons? In a word, sabotage. The Italian restaurant is planning to recreate the incident that happened over a year ago by setting fire to their number one competitor. They have mapped out multiple strategies to ensure Green Street will be Zorba’s-free for at least another year. The first plan of attack on Zorba’s will be to hijack the delivery truck that transports the gyro meat. Once Za’s gains control of the truck, they will soak all the meat in gasoline and deliver the tainted shipment to the unsuspecting victim. When the cook places the gyro meat on the grill, the restaurant will catch fire and be out of business for another year. It’s almost too simple.

If the first idea fails to take flight, then the next attempt is to add gunpowder to the pita bread mix. As soon as that mix is poured onto the grill, it will create a huge explosion that will ruin all of those freshlypainted red walls. At this point, people will become skeptical of Zorba’s bad luck streak. In order to divert that attention away, Za’s will continue to frame the apartment dwellers for committing the arson. By now, the entire campus will think the tenants are imbeciles, and everyone will inevitably hate them. Well, everyone but the students who don’t already hate them for living above Zorba’s. If all else fails, though, their final plan is to wait for Pitaya to reopen and scare all of Zorba’s business away with their high-priced disgusting attire. People will become afraid to go to Zorba’s in fear that they will be associated with that terrifying store. There's still a lot of construction left on the interior, but once it opens, Zorba’s will be screwed. In this particular instance, Za’s wouldn’t even have to worry about placing the blame onto anyone because Pitaya would be held entirely responsible for its actions. These actions include hiring middle-aged women to oversell you ugly-ass floral rompers and expensive bangles. Once Zorba’s is just a pile of ash and rubble, Za’s will finally have some real customers, and the construction workers will return to rebuild Zorba’s for the second time this year. This will bring students back to a simpler time when the university actually had a president,

spring break just seemed like a faraway dream, and there was only one choice for food on the southeast side of the 600 block of Green Street. This article is dedicated to the brave souls on The Black Sheep staff who died of high cholesterol while infiltrating Mia Za’s and Zorba’s in order to obtain this information.

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Summer Sports for the Less Active-Minded Byrnesybyrnes wrote this Remember when you were a kid and your life revolved around organized sports? Ah, the days when the time of the year was determined by which practice you were attending after school. Unless, of course, you were one of those kids who didn’t play any sports. Instead, you were too busy figuring out how many times you can masturbate in a day without developing blisters. In which case, it’s a shame you peaked so early. To the boys and girls who were active during their childhood, whether you had any talent or not, I congratulate you. But what have you done lately? These days I can’t even walk up the stairs to my apartment without becoming winded. My gut is starting to hang over my belt, and my sweet pectorals are slowly deteriorating to flubby fat pouches. I’m sure there are a lot of people my age who are still active, scurrying around the block a few times a week or paying regular visits to the ARC for group calisthenics and Zumba. I have the future in mind, however, and in my future there are two sports that require little to no athletic experience or talent: golf and sixteen-inch softball. Golf: the sport of plaid pants, exclusivity, wealth, and raging adultery. To be the best at this sport, one must develop precision, a smooth swing, and a willingness to accept huge, oversized checks.

Unlike other sports, golf is the only activity (and we're using that term liberally) where running doesn’t exist and even walking can be substituted with a fiftyhorsepower adult version of a children’s ride-on toy. Beer is sold on the course, and smoking the occasional cigar makes one a real class act. Golf confines are also some of the most perfectly-landscaped wonders on the planet. Basketball courts are small and wooden with an annoying echo, and baseball parks can be nice, but who cares? At baseball stadiums you have to sit on uncomfortable bleachers with over-priced hot dogs, witnessing the Cubs give up four runs before the third inning. Speaking of baseball, there’s a similar sport where champions are made in their late thirties and having a six-pack just means you don’t have enough beer. I’m referring to the Chicagoland favorite: sixteen-inch slow-pitch softball. It’s the only sport where the pitcher will underhand the ball thirty feet into the air, leaving the batter confused when he hears the umpire call, “Strike!” as the ball plops down on the very back of the plate. It is a sport where a “ball” is not called for being high or low, but rather shallow or deep. A sport where beer is not only accepted, but expected and encouraged, and shouting obscenities out of frustration is totally acceptable, even though your buddy brought his wife and kids to the game. No one on either team is near physically fit; a beer gut is almost a uniform requirement. Sounds like my kind of sport.

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Both sixteen-inch softball and golf are perfect for a college student who needs a break from his full-time summer job, which still happens to be in retail or food service. They are great ways to forget the fact that you will not be hired professionally any time soon, and there’s no pressure to get in shape. All of those weight room sessions in high school will pay off when you can crank the ball 250 feet and have enough time to jog around the bases before the other fatass in left field can throw the ball in. Golf isn’t as easy, but on the bright side, not many people are good at it. In closing, go out and be active, but not too active. No one needs any pulled muscles or broken bones. Also, remember to drink Budweiser.

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From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

How do you plan on celebrating Cinco de Mayo? "Do Hot Pockets count as Mexican food?" -Ryan G., Sophomore

Surviving the Rest of the Year Without Grocery Shopping Bennyboy wrote this Ever since I could remember, I have had the spirit of an adventurer. The world is a harsh and dangerous place, and I never pass up an opportunity to test myself against its dangers. Along with this, ever since I could remember, I have been broke. Because of my money woes I have been forced to limit my drinking habits, and must now only go to bars that never charge cover. I’m starting to get sick of White Horse. You can only listen to so much Tom Petty until you are forced to make a drastic change in your lifestyle. I began the month of April with the following provisions: a loaf of bread, six bagels, a container of oatmeal, a bunch of hot dogs, a bag of SunChips, peanut butter, and jelly. With these items and my adventurer spirit, I set out to survive the rest of the year without spending a dime on food. I kept a journal of my exploits. Here are some excerpts: April 1: I set out into the wild. And man, this is going to be one of the easiest months of my life. If I ration out my food accordingly, I can eat like a king. Based just on bread, peanut butter, and jelly alone I have more than enough food to last me for a long time. In fact, I think I’m gonna have one now! April 7: One week down. Things have been going okay. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches got old after the first couple of days. I have begun to move on to hot dogs for sustenance. While it’s refreshing eating hot food, I realized that I forgot to buy buns. Because of this, I have been forced to eat them with slices of bread, causing a great detriment in my bread stocks. First signs of concern have set in. April 8: Great success this fine Easter morning! I woke up to find a package of Easter candy from my mother on my doorstep. While not rich in nutrients, the sweet food has greatly lifted my spirits. Especially since my microwave broke. I shouldn’t have tried to heat up that cold spoon. No matter! If I didn’t want to eat cold hot dogs, then I shouldn’t have gone to college in the first place. April 12: Bread supply has completely diminished. How-

ever, I still have peanut butter and jelly, so PB&J bagels have become a regular. Unfortunately, I only have six, so I must remain vigilant of how many remain throughout the coming days. I have also run out of soap and laundry detergent. Funny, in my excitement to start this great adventure, I forgot about things other than food. April 13: Due to a lack of bread, I am now forced to eat cold hot dogs on a plate with a knife and fork. I ran out of ketchup so I now only use mayonnaise. The other night, I was eating a hot dog right out of my hand as I stared at the inside of the fridge for a solid 45 minutes. Mild dementia setting in.

"Let's just say I will spend a lot of time with my favorite Spanish-sounding herb." - Lauren W., Junior

April 15: Disaster has struck. I went to fetch a hotdog out of my pantry when I noticed a disturbing smell. To my dismay, the hot dogs had become entirely rotten. I attempted to eat the green, fuzzy film off one of the hot dogs, wondering if I had simply left some relish on them the night before. Violent illness followed. The incident with the hot dogs has become one of the greatest tragedies of my life. April 17: All I have left is oatmeal and SunChips. All I eat is oats. Horses eat oats. I eat the stuff horses eat. I am surviving on horse food. April 19: After admitting defeat, I decided to drive to the store. However, my roommate informed me that he was out of gas. I attempted to go to Schnucks on foot but found Vine Street to be virtually impossible to cross in my condition. I have literally become trapped in Urbana. April 20: Now that my roommate decided to eat my bag of SunChips, I am finished. Hungry and smelling like an old man’s bunions, I have no choice but to steal my roommates’ food. This challenge has turned me into a thief. April 22: Completely forgot this thing was still going on. I just eat all of my roommates’ food now. Things have never been better! Why didn’t I just do this before? They have Gushers! I repeat: Gushers!

"By ripping tequila shots in the name of General Ignacio Zaragosa Seguín. Viva Mexico!" - Lee W., Junior

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Smartphone Games: Friend or Foe? SmartPhoneGirl22@aol.com wrote this After years of dealing with the biggest, most embarrassing piece of crap phone ever, I decided to upgrade both my technological and social life by getting a smartphone. And yes, it has made a world of difference, Mom. Sure, being connected to my Facebook/Twitter/Email/The Daily Puppy Website 24 hours a day is great, but there are some things about having a smart phone that I still haven’t decided if I enjoy or not. One of which is the gaming part. Honestly, my outlook on life has changed a little bit since playing games against my friends via cell phone, and I’m still not sure if that outlook has become more positive, or depressingly negative. Draw Something: If there’s one thing that Draw Something has taught me, it’s that all of my friends are dumbasses. Or that contrary to what Dr. Seuss tells you, your imagination will get you nowhere in life. Now I know that it isn’t the easiest thing in the world to draw a picture on your touchscreen phone using those fat fingers of yours, but come on. Some of the drawings I’ve received are just plain tragic. Like, have you ever seen a palm tree before in your life? Because that looks like a dresser with mold growing on it. But on the flip side, Draw Something has served as a healthy medium to satisfy my need to draw penises on things. Words With Friends: My boyfriend and I got into our first serious fight because of this game. He was beating me 300 to 60; I was convinced he was cheating; he called me a slut, yadda, yadda. I just don’t know how to strategically make high-scoring words under that kind of pressure! Basically, my self-esteem has dropped drastically since playing Words With Friends. And it dropped even further when I found out that the only game I’ve ever won was against a third grader with dyslexia.

Scramble: Scramble is very similar to Words With Friends, except it doesn’t give you nearly enough time to think, and it induces seizures. All of those lights flashing and words crossing and noises dinging - i’s enough to send you right over the edge after a long night of drinking. I’m not the only one who plays Scramble drunk in my bed at night, right? I guess the one good thing about it is that there are plenty of excuses you can make for why you did so bad, such as hand cramps, phone glitches, sudden cases of diarrhea, etc. Monopoly: Yes, you heard right. That beloved board game that you used to play with your family is now available on your mobile device and ready to ruin your life. When you suddenly can’t steal the money from the banker or switch cards while the other player isn’t looking, this game gets real. And it will consume your every minute of every hour of every day. You won’t go to class, you won’t go to meetings; hell, you won’t leave your room until the thimble is bankrupt and you have hotels covering every area from St. Charles Place to Boardwalk. Every time someone lands on your monopoly, the thrill gets better and better. But God forbid you have to mortgage properties, or worse, have to forfeit. It’s a devastating feeling that’s hard to recover from. Hey, the game of Monopoly is an investment: an investment of your time and energy just for the sweet sound and smell of success. Yes, while the smartphone craze has truly made our lives easier, it has also caused me to waste a lot of freaking time playing games against people. After getting overly emotional when playing certain games, I realized that I shouldn’t let something silly like Words With Friends or Draw Something get to me. But you know what? I’m addicted. And bored during class. So let the smartphone games live on in cyber and artificial happiness!

now hiring! JOBS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WRITERS, aD SALES, GROUPIES

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

King of the Wings Contest Every Wednesday in April at 9pm Go Big or Go Home Fri & Sat $5 14oz. Doubles of Three Olives (Fri) & Bacardi (Sat) $3.50 22oz. Stadium Cup Bud Light Taps

Saturday: LUCKY BOYS CONFUSION with MARINA CITY, JYNX NEVER STICKS, THE RUNAROUND and CRIMSON

WEDNESDAY, MAY 2ND: WHITE PARTY with DJ Kosmo Free White Glowsticks Specials on Absolut & Bud Light

MONDAY: 80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

BATTLE OF THE BARCRAWLS Come Barcrawl with your friends Best Bar Crawl Wins a Party! go to www.FirehausBar.com for details

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

WED 4/25

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

THURS 4/26

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

ZMICK with AFTERNOON MOON and SONNY STUBBLE

featuring Wells & Bud Light Bottles

Cameron McGill Live Special Guests Temple of Low Men (Acoustic Trio) and The Claudettes!

FRI 4/27

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers

MALI WATER PROJECT BENEFIT: MALI WATER WOMPFEST featuring MISS AMPHETAMINE, WHITE RABBIT, MAX RAY and More!

Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 Burgers $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light Tallboys

Missing the Point Live! Special Guests Molehill

SAT 4/28

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

LUCKY BOYS CONFUSION with MARINA CITY, JYNX NEVER STICKS, THE RUNAROUND and CRIMSON

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

DJ Wesjile & DJ Kow! House, Mash-Ups, Top-40, and more!

THE 4ONTHEFLOOR

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

PAUL SIMON: Under African Skies film screening (Early Show!) 312 VIBE NIGHT (Late Show!)

$2 U Call It

$3 EVERYTHING ELSE

SUN 4/29

Closed

MON 4/30

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

** CLOSED **

$1 WELLS

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

TUES 5/01

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Long Island Iced Teas $2.25 Bud & Bud Light Drafts

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

WED 5/02

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT Featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $5 Mug Specials! $1 PBR Drafts and Busch cans

WHITE PARTY with DJ Kosmo Free White Glowsticks Specials on Absolut & Bud Light

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

Earn a 6-Pack or Purchase a 6-Pack:

We’re Pet Friendly!

The Choice Is Yours On How to Relieve That Stress Burn some energy in our state-of-the-art fitness center or take the edge off with some drinks from our conveniently located grocery store. Either way, Burnham’s got your back. ONLY A FEW STUDIOS AND ONE-BEDROOMS LEFT! OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

WED 4/25

SPECIAL NIGHT

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street Tuesday Night Baseball WIN CUBS TICKETS Every Tuesday Night! $2 Wells, $2 Captain $5 Bud Light Pitchers

$2.99 Ch. Burger/Chips 4-10pm

Bulls vs Pacers 7pm MINUTE TO WIN IT - 11 PM Win a Blu Ray Player $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo, $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

FRIDAY: EVERYDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $2.50 Summer Shandy Special Night $5.50 Jager Bombs $3. Dr. Mcgillicuddy's Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

$2.50 Summer Shandy Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $2.50Wednesday MIC Night $3OPEN Strong Islands $2.50 Corona $4 Oh Yeahs $2.50 Jager Bombs

SATURDAY: Band of Heathens at 7PM! Doors Open at 6PM DJ Dance Party at 10PM

Watch the Bulls Playoff Run at Joes! Beer/Food Specials, Outdoor TVs, Free Straws!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

Watch the Bulls with 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

Salsa (Early) DJ Delayney (Late) $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

$7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

Band of Heathens at 7PM! Doors Open at 6PM

$2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

THURS 4/26

$1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Drinks

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

FRI 4/27

$3.99 Haus Fries $3 UV Vodka $3 Jim Beam

$2 Blue Moon $3 Strong Island $4 Double Vodka Drinks

$2.50 Summer Shandy $3 Captain & Coke $3 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

SAT 4/28

BULLS PLAYOFFS Red Beer on Tap In Honor of the Bulls! $3 Bacardi

$3 Wells $4 Guinness Bottles $5 Double Whiskey Wells

$2.50 Summer Shandy $3 Captain & Coke $3 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $4 Strong Islands

Watch Every Hawks and Bulls Playoff Game Here!

SUN 4/29

BULLS PLAYOFFS Red Beer on Tap In honor of the Bulls! $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$1 Coors and Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells $3 Calls $4 Oh Yeah's

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Watch Bulls/Cubs/Sox/ Cards with $4 Cups of Shots

$1 DRAFTS $10 HYDRANTS! Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$5 High Life Pitchers $1 Wells 8-12 $4 Pizzas and $0.50 Slices

$2 Coors and Bud Light Pints $2 Vodka Cranberry $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

One of the Last MNJs of the Year! Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

Tuesday Night Baseball WIN CUBS TICKETS Every Tuesday Night! $2 Wells, $2 Captain $5 Bud Light Pitchers

$4 Corona $2 Tequila Shots $1 Wells $3 Double Vodkas

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Lionize Live! Doors Open at 8:30PM Special Guests Scathe!

8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

MINUTE TO WIN IT - 11 PM Win a Jack Daniels Bags Set! $2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo, $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

$2.50 Summer Shandy $2.50 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeahs

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

TUES 5/01

Bulls vs Cavs 7pm $2.50 Jameson $2.50 Bud Lt. $3 Vegas Bombs

MON 4/30

$3 Strong Islands

WED 5/02

$2.99 Ch. Burger/Chips 4-10pm

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

DJ Dance Party at 10PM

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic Pitchers

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

CLUB 211 Glowsticks Blacklights Lights OUT!!

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion! Contact our Event Planner at 217-722-9000 or CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

MON 4/30

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Out Early for the Annual Senior / Marathon Breakfast! Open at 7AM with a Bloody Mary Bar, Screwdrivers, Mimosas and Breakfast Bar!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

SUN 4/29

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Dance Party w/ DJ John Han $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

SAT 4/28

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM’S w/ DJ Jay $2 UV Blue Guys $2 Lite and Coors Light $2.50 Traders & Revel Stoke $1 Rolling Rock & HL Bottles

Red Lion PROM 2012 Wednesday, May 2nd $1 U CALL IT We've Converted Lion to Look Like your Prom! Discounted Tickets on Sale at RedLionChampaign.com

FRI 4/27

Frattle of the DJ’s $1000.00 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

SUNDAY: Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

THURS 4/26

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

WED 4/25

TUES: Country Nite $3.50 Dbl Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts “Drink in Yur Mason Jar”

SPECIAL NIGHT

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS MONDAY $1 Fatty Bottles $1 Wells, $2 Energy $3 Pitchers!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Country Nite $3.50 Dbl Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks $1.50 Lite Drafts “Drink in Yur Mason Jar”

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

$4 Long Island Iced Teas

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Red Lion PROM 2012 $1 U CALL IT We've Converted Lion to Look Like your Prom! Discounted Tickets on Sale at RedLionChampaign.com

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

$2 Drafts

WED 5/02

Closed

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

TUES 5/01

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

FEELING STRESSED ABOUT SCHOOL?

WELCOME HOME We have the perfect place to relax!

Free Tanning, Spa, and 24 Hour Fitness Center

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms.

Luxurious Clubhouse

• Internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

Private Shuttle to and from Campus, Plus "Late Night Shuttle"

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Week

of the

Major: Pain.

Major: English.

Relationship Status: Single and always minglin’.

Relationship Status: Balls deep. When you looked in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought?: I never look in mirrors. I always look good.

Favorite TV Show?: Sex and The City. Most embarrassing place you have ever gotten a boner?: Urinals of Firehaus.

Craziest thing a person has offered for a free drink?: Some dude offered me to be bartender of the week.

Best song to give/receive a lap dance to?: “My Neck, My Back (Lick It)” by Khia.

Would you rather get a rim job from Carrot Top or Flavor Flav?: Flavor Flav. Gingers freak me out.

Favorite Theme for a party?: Bottomless.

Longest period of time you’ve gone without sex?: 12 hours.

What are you gonna name your first child?: Travis Michaels.

Last person you sent a dick pic to?: Kevin Rotsch.

If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be?: Emile Reece.

Celebrity threesome?: Me, Mila Kunis, and Justin Bieber.

Favorite game that encourages drinking heavily?: The game of life, my friend. The game of life.

Colby Clapper Firehaus

Favorite boy band?: *NSYNC. Biggest turn on?: Hairy Chests. What is the creepiest thing a customer has said to you while bartending?: “I don’t know which bathroom to use...I am neither a man nor a woman.”

drinking game:

The Vegetable Game

You say “potato,” I say “po-tah-to.” You say “tomato” I say “to-mah-to.” What do you mean neither of those things are vegetables? They’re certainly not fruit, and by our count, you can’t hunt either for sport. What You Need: Suds and buds, man. Number of Players: At least three. But you should consult the food pyramid, just to be safe. Intoxication Level: Your puke is gonna look like one big Bloody Mary. How to Play: - Before the game begins, each person is assigned a vegetable. This vegetable is now that player’s name for the duration of the game. - During no point in the game is a player allowed to show his or her teeth. - If a player exposes his or her teeth, the round ends and that player must drink. - The game begins with one player citing their own vegetable name, pointing at and calling on another player to act. For example, “Broccoli calls on pepper!” - In this case, pepper would then announce themselves, then point at and call on another player. For example, “Pepper calls on asparagus!” - This continues until a player calls someone they point at by the wrong name, or until a player does not respond correctly when called upon. - The loser drinks. The Game Ends When: You start squeezing someone, hoping to turn them into potato vodka.

Thirsty for More?

theblacksheeponline.com

Life motto?: Hit it n’ quit it.

Melissa Albarran Murphy's

Weirdest place you’ve thrown up?: Bathtub. How’d you get a job here?: Flashed some boobs. What do you think is the greatest invention of all time?: The vibrator.

recipe for disaster:

Candy Sushi

Sushi is one of the most fun foods to eat. There are hundreds of different types, and each is delicious. However, the fishy flavor of normal sushi isn’t for everyone. That is why we have taken sushi, removed everything fishy about it, and added tons and tons of sugar, something everybody can enjoy! What You’ll Need: Fruit Roll-Ups, Rice Krispies Treats, and any candy of your choice. Cook Time: Dos minutos. Fatty Factor: You’ll get one hell of a sugar high. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay out the Fruit Roll-Ups with the plastic still on. - Take your Rice Krispies Treats and lay them on the Fruit Roll-Ups like a layer of rice. - Here’s the fun part: add candy to your sushi. We suggest gummy worms and Swedish Fish. - Remove the plastic, roll up your sushi, cut it into little bites, and voilà! Make this treat even more unhealthy for you by dipping it into some sides like chocolate or maple syrup. Hell, go for straight sugar like a true sugar-fiend.

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Review Page

BOOZE REVIEW

booze review: Sobieski Karamel | grade: B+ Overview: Every once in a while I’ll pick out an alcohol that I think will take me to a new level of repulsion and disgust. That’s what I was going for when I snagged this little diddy off the shelf. Boy was I ever surprised.

dler, anyone who enjoys being called a “caramel bear” because he’s Indian or half-black, washed up sorority girls, and people who resent when people tell them they have poopcolored eyes. But not Wonka, because he’s been clean for four months now.

History: After becoming heavily involved with alcohol, Willy Wonka took a dark turn and began pimping himself out on the streets of London. It wasn’t until he met a beautiful Polish girl, heir to the Sobieski fortune, who took pity on him that he got clean. As a thank you, Wonka mixed up one of the most surprisingly delicious vodkas that the Sobieski family had had the pleasure of enjoying in all their time.

User Comments “This is actually delicious.” “Damn, I suck at giving gag gifts.” “It’s like a tasty snack.” “Wonka hasn’t been as fun since he quit drinking.”

Typical Drinkers: The Sobieski hottie, nannies, people who pronounce caramel “care-uh-mell” in that douchey way, Chan-

Conclusion: Honestly, get ready to be surprised – this is a vodka that even the guys can be seen drinking. Quite delicious.

The Mixer Center

Coke: A | Sprite: CMilk: C+

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Chase with Hershey’s Syrup: Not enough A+’s in the world for this one.

THe top ten

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The Deadliest Creature on Campus: The Parking Ticketer landon millS wrote this

Ways to Kill the Mood For whatever reason, the last time you tried to have a romantic evening with your significant other resulted in a drink in your lap, a slammed door in your face, and a cold shower to boot. What went wrong? The Black Sheep is here to help you figure out ten ways you may have “killed the mood.” 10) Repeatedly Checking Your Phone: There’s nothing that says, “I am looking for any excuse to leave you as soon as possible,” than checking your phone every three seconds. It’s probably not your fault; you have an extreme case of screen addiction like the majority of young Americans. But just a future suggestion: the middle of a make out session is not the time to check your messages, email, and the scores of your favorite sports teams. However, tweeting that you just reached second base is perfectly acceptable. 9) Answering a Phone Call from Your Grandmother: You want to know a surefire way to make a guy lose a hard-on? Picking up a phone call from your grandmother and talking to her about her day. Nothing is less sexy than what old people do over a twenty-four hour period. And anyone who wears dentures is just plain creepy. 8) Bringing Up Depressing Things: You know what’s a fun conversation topic while a girl is sucking on your neck? The economy. No seriously, girls love that stuff. They also like stories about people who died recently and any Cubs season in the past hundred years. See how well that works out for you.

Ello boys n’ gills. Bryan Dongle here, and on this episode of Man vs. Campus, we’re going to take danger to a whole new level. That’s roight – we’re going to be on the hunt for one of the most feared and ruthless beasts on campus: the deadly Midwestern Parking Enforcer. Right this very second we’re heading into the heart of the campus jungle. Some of my colleagues refer to this vicinity as the Midwestern Ticketer’s “feeding grounds.” Campus, much like the island from Jurassic Park, gets considerably more dangerous the farther inland you get. Traveling into the heart of the campus jungle without a fanny pack that’s bursting with silver coins is like committing parking suicide. The Midwestern campus ticketer, or as I like to call them – ticks – are phenomenal little buggers. They feed on the already-barren bank accounts of your average college student, and they attack their victims by entrapping the students’ poor and unprotected vehicles. Ticks are able to lure in their prey by playing off the vulnerable common sense of a student. Leaving wide spaces conveniently aside the road that are just large and close enough to the student’s campus destination, the tick is able to get the vehicle’s owner to wander away while it performs one of the most heartless and vile acts ever documented in nature - an act I like to refer to as “ticketing.” Patrolling the streets in its unnecessarily large pickup truck, the tick can travel up to speeds of thirty miles per hour and waste an astonishing amount of taxpayers’ dollars a day. Many question why the animal even drives, when its duties could easily be done by anything in slightly below average shape, but then they realize they’ve just answered their own question. One question that remains unanswered is why these mysterious creatures drive trucks when they never even haul objects. Several of my colleagues have inquired that the tick actually uses the bed of its truck as exactly that – a bed. This theory is the most popular belief as it matches with the well-known notion that the majority of the brutes are indeed homeless people with driver’s licenses. Other than when it’s ticketing, the tick will rarely leave its motorized shell. Much like a hermit crab, the tick is very insecure, and rightfully so, as its species is hated by the rest of the animal kingdom for the inhumane acts of spinelessness

it commits every day. Once every seven seconds, a helpless and barely-overstayed vehicle has its wiper lifted and violently slammed back down, leaving behind a yellow scar for its owner to come back to. Although the parking tick feeds very frequently, it astonishingly has only been documented a handful of times in the act. The vile critters flee with such cowardice that the victims almost never even know they’re being attacked. The brutal display of savagery from these despicable buggers is unrivaled in the natural world. And yes, Shark Week airs in Australia, and I saw the episode with the baby seals. Returning back to the car-cass of its beloved vehicle, the student is often seen in a disheveled emotional state. Desperately searching around for the vile critter that performed this extreme deed of indecency, the student’s head snaps back and forth in disbelief while he angrily dislodges the yellow indicator that has just caused him to question humanity. Tossing the ticket onto the passenger-side floor of his now-violated car where the ticket will sit for upwards of three weeks, the student will then regain faith in humanity once he remembers that the ticketer is obviously not human. I do not recommend driving into the center of the campus parking jungle, but if you must and quarters are hard to come by, here’s a few tricks to hopefully fool these monsters and prevent them from feeding on your innocent and vulnerable vehicle: - It can be difficult to keep a constant reminder of such a painful moment, but if you’ve been unfortunate enough to have been previously maimed, keeping the yellow envelope and placing it under your windshield wiper will, more often than not, keep the ticketer’s paws from reaching onto your windshield and into your bank account. -If all else fails and you’ve grown sick and tired of your baby being viciously attacked, remove your windshield wipers altogether and hope for a windy day. Even if the despicable demon miraculously finds a way to lodge its marker onto your vehicle, you can take pride in the fact that you made one of the dumbest animals in nature use its brain and thus, nearly have an aneurism.

7) Bringing Up Family Members: Another way to make your sexual partner uncomfortable is to tell him how much he reminds you of your father just as you start to unzip his pants. 6) Farting: If you have to ask why this kills a mood, please stop reading this paper, find the nearest blunt object, and ask your roommate to strike you in the head with it. 5) Turning on the Television: If Blink-182 taught us anything in the late nineties, it’s that aliens exist. Also, apparently turning on the TV after a girl takes off your pants is frowned-upon behavior. 4) Turning on (Weird) Pornography: German dungeon porn. Not romantic. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. 3) Mentioning How Much Better Someone Else Was: So you’ve been around the block once or twice. In your mind, this will turn a guy on because you’re into sex, and you’ve done all kinds of kinky stuff. You know what the guy is really thinking? “How the hell am I supposed to please this bitch when she’s banged everyone under the sun?” “Ew, she’s done stuff like that?” “When’s the last time she’s been tested?” When it comes to sexual experience, try a little more show, and a lot less tell. 2) Vomiting on Their Couch (or Vomiting in General): What better way to end a night of drinking heavily and consumption of drunk food than by banging your significant other’s brains out. Unfortunately, copious amounts of alcohol, plus oversized portions of drunk food, multiplied by the speed of your thrusting, equals uncontrollable vomiting. Not a turn-on. 1) Killing Their Close Friends and Family: In romantic comedies like Prom Night, Swim Fan, and Scream, the suitors all seem to make one fatal flaw when trying to court the bearer of their affection. It’s not the obsessive phone calls, the messages written in blood, or the constant stalking. It’s the dismembering of their friends and family that really just kills the mood. Believe it or not, there are better gifts to send a girl than her friend’s head in a box. Like flowers or something.

Ken Doll wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com litely accepted it and figured he could just set it on a random shelf at home. He said goodbye and headed back in to town. That night, Kevin gave his own father a hug and told him he loved him. “What was that for?” his father asked. “Nothing. I just realized I don’t tell you I love you enough.” This heartwarming moment quickly ended when Kevin remembered his scheduling woes. He was still going to be one of the last people on campus to register. His complaints in the days that followed could be heard throughout the Fairy Forest. Kevin was positive all the classes he wanted would be full when his registration opened up, and he wouldn’t be able to get the dream schedule he always wanted. He cursed the James Scholars and upperclassmen who had priority over him. Sure enough, when the time came, all the classes he really wanted were full, and even his second choices had only 8 a.m. discussions left. Kevin was furious with the university and voiced his disapproval on Facebook. Eventually, word of Kevin’s injustice spread throughout the forest. After considering the situation, all the magical creatures decided to put their powers together and collectively not give a fuck. The wise old owl who lived in the forest’s tallest tree didn’t give a fuck, the creepy old wizard from the creepy old cabin didn’t give a fuck, and Kevin’s mom didn’t give a fuck. Even the willow tree from Pocahontas showed up just to tell Kevin she didn’t give a fuck. She also told Kevin she was

disgusted that he killed a dog. Angry at everyone for not sharing the strong feelings he had about registration, Kevin decided to figure out his schedule on his own. He didn’t even request help from his advisor. This would come back to haunt Kevin when it came time to graduate, and he did not have all his gen-eds fulfilled due to some cross-listing bullshit he didn’t understand. Kevin worked tirelessly, tweaking his schedule all night to get it as acceptable as possible. As he finished registering for his final class, he pounded the computer desk in joy. The vibration caused the lava lamp he had perched on a random shelf above the computer to fall and shatter in his face. He suffered severe burns and lacerations and died in the arms of the Fairy Forest shaman. The moral of the story is shut up about your schedule for next year. It’ll all work out. And if your schedule works out absolutely beautifully, don’t rub that in everyone’s face either. Who knows, you might even die before fall semester gets here. That brings me to the second lesson of the story: lava lamps should not be taken lightly. You may think, “Oh, I’ve been around lava lamps my entire life. I’m so familiar with them. A lava lamp would never hurt me.” Wrong. They can hurt you, and they will if handled carelessly. Temperatures inside lava lamps are at burn levels. If they break, you will not only be burned but will also suffer cuts from the glass. Please, respect the awesome power of lava lamps. Don’t set lava lamps on high shelves.

Congratu-fuckin-lations.

The Movie Page Disney’s Chimpanzee

Based on the Trailer

April/May 2012

A stunning show of wildlife bea...Aww, look! It’s rolling around in some leaves!

Directed by

Alastair Fothergill, Mark Linfield

starring

Tim Allen (Narrator)

GRADE B mike benson wrote this

Chimpanzee is the most recent addition to Disneynature, a division of Walt Disney Films focused on wildlife documentaries. While delivering supremely on the “Aww” factor, Chimpanzee fails as a documentary about chimpanzee life, though I doubt that was what the filmmakers were trying to accomplish in the first place. The film supplies a narrative to the documentarystyle footage which, while appealing to the kids, does a disservice to the actual… uh…nature-ing occurring on the screen. The film follows the tale of Oscar, a young, wild chimp who, after the sudden loss of his mother, finds himself stranded in the rainforests of the Ivory Coast. Miraculously, Oscar is picked up and cared for by Freddy, the alpha male leader of the pack. Under Freddy’s care, Oscar learns how to survive in the rain forest and receives protection from the rival chimp “gang” lead by a chimpanzee the filmmakers, in an impressive show of creativity, named “Scar.” While watching the film, I was constantly amazed at how the filmmakers were able to capture such detailed and intimate

on dvd

scenes involving these wild chimps. As far as anybody knows, the filmmakers just sat in the bushes and filmed the apes constantly. This is an amazing feat of endurance and a small miracle. Usually documentary filmmakers aren’t concerned with creating a storyline, which the creators of Chimpanzee certainly were. If a baby chimp gets abandoned and then eaten by a rival tribe (Which happens. They fucking do that.), the filmmakers just film it and call it a day. The makers of Chimpanzee, however, had to pray that a beautiful story unfolded, which actually happened. The fact that this baby did not get eaten, did not die after being orphaned, and was actually adopted lovingly by another chimp is nothing short of a small miracle. And it actually is a beautiful series of events to watch unfold on the screen. It shows that sometimes nature isn’t so scary. You know, sometimes chimpanzees choose to love instead of eat each other. However, I feel like this is all undermined by the contrived story of the “thug” group that constantly attacks Oscar’s clan. Why are they thugs? Why are they perceived as

bad guys? Chimpanzees attack each other all the time, isn’t that just nature? In fact, I guarantee that Oscar’s group attacked plenty of other chimpanzee families, too. Maybe even ate some, who knows? As stated before, Chimpanzee delivers “Awws” which are unparalleled by almost any other movie ever made. I don’t care how old or tough you are, when that little Oscar clumsily makes his way through the trees, you will break down like a pre-teen girl at a Justin Bieber concert. While the film captures amazing footage of wild chimps, some of which depict actions rarely ever seen by chimpanzees on camera, the impressiveness of the nature on screen is weakened by an overly child-friendly plot which boasts a pride in nature, while ignoring and condemning some of the most common aspects of nature itself. I don’t know, maybe I was just hoping to see a baby chimpanzee being eaten by an attacking group of chimps while a theater full of young children scream, and Tim Allen solemnly proclaims, “There is no God.” Or maybe too many anthropology classes have ruined my childlike sense of wonder.

monkeyin' around

Starring: Emily Blunt, Jason Segel What You Need to Know: This Judd Apatow-produced comedy is about a couple's relationship as it unfolds during a bumpy five-year engagement, including moving cities, climates and, of course, emotions. What We Think: Judd Apatow + Jason Segel + rom com = good enough. Though this film definitely teeters on the border of "Aww, kind of cheesy" and "Oh my gosh, I think I might barf," we all know it'll still be entertaining. We won't be rushing to the theaters for this, but we'll line it up for a hungover Sunday with a few mimosas.

The Perfect Family

Starring: Kathleen Turner, Emily Deschanel What You Need to Know: Kathleen Turner plays the perfect suburban mom, and is running for Catholic Woman of the Year. Unfortunately for her, she has to introduce her family members to the board for approval, including her lesbian daughter and alcoholic hubby. What We Think: With some awards under its belt and a promising, unique cast, this movie appears to be pretty legitimate even if the plot line is a little tired. If they can spin this into a not-too-blantant PSA for gay and lesbian rights, then it'll come off as earnest rather than cheesy and be all good.

Dark Shadows

Joyful Noise Haywire New Year's Eve W.E.

May 8th George Costanza stars in this movie with a monkey in a hotel.

may 4th

answers are a few from here

May 1

Underworld: Awakening The Vow WWE: WrestleMania XXVIII Tim & Erics Billion Dollar Movie

The Five-Year Engagement april 27

Who directed the 2005 remake of King Kong? Oh yeah, he had a $200,000,000 budget.

On Friends, Ross’ monkey Marcel starred in a movie with this action superstar.

“The Story of Dian Fossey” is the tagline for what 1988 movies starring Sigourney Weaver and a bunch of gorillas?

may 11th

Starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter What You Need to Know: An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection despite being totally effing confused about suddenly living with a weirdo vampire. What We Think: To be honest, we couldn't really focus on the trailer because Johnny Depp is such a weirdo. But him and Tim Burton never let us down, right? Oh yeah, Alice and Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... well, here's to remaining optimistic!

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Early Ways to Tell that an Exchange is Going to Blow Grace Haka wrote this Ah, exchanges. A regular excuse to cram dozens of college students in a hormone-filled room. It doesn't get much better than that. Unfortunately, not all exchanges end up being a blast. However, there are a few early signs you can watch out for to determine if your night is about to blow some major dick. The Pregame Sucks: If there is no pregame at all, everyone will be showing up to the exchange sober and feeling awkward in their outrageous outfits. Greek people don’t want to have a sober chat, they want to get plastered and yell, “Call me Steve-O!” at each other. If there is a pregame, however, there are many ways it can suck. If there’s no alcohol or a large vat of freshman-made, weak jungle juice, everyone will be standing around an empty table wishing that they were anywhere else getting drunk. There’s a Lack of Necessary Genitals: When there is a shortage of females, males, or alcohol, then a few problems will arise. Sometimes, if the two exchanging houses are not that close, you have to beg your awkward roommate’s friend of a friend to go with. This is not only uncomfortable for the people that didn’t want to go originally, but chances are that the girl-to-guy ratio will be way off. If there are three guys to every girl, then not too many guys are getting laid that night, unless the girls are into foursomes (which they usually aren’t. Usually.).

Nobody Knows the Theme: Sometimes fraternities think it’s a good idea to make an extremely unique theme that is nothing like any of the previous exchanges. You can only have so many CEOs and office hoes parties before it becomes old news. Chances are, though, that people won’t know how to dress up for a stages of human evolution-themed exchange. What is this? Jurassic Park meets the Bible? If nobody understands the theme, nobody will dress up. It should be something easy, so people can easily walk in to Salvation Army and find an outfit. Keep it simple, stupid. The Buses Get Messed Up: If the first bus that goes to the bars leaves at 7:45, nobody will be ready in time, and nobody will even be close to being drunk. If the buses going home are poorly scheduled, then some people are totally going to get screwed over. What’s the point in going in the first place if you’re only going to be there for an hour until you’re shuttled back onto the bus to head home? You would have been better off staying on campus and getting sloshed at Kam’s. Another Exchange Steals Your Turf: If another exchange is happening simultaneously at the same bar that you’re at, then chances are that the two will unintentionally mix. If a sorority is better friends with the other fraternity at the bar, then they will ditch their lame exchange partners for their cooler, hotter friends. This further decreases your chances of banging that night. And if you haven’t picked up on it

yet, that is basically the whole point of all this nonsense. Exchanges can be wrong from the get-go, but usually they are the highlight of the week for fraternities and sororities. And to be honest, any crappy exchange will always be better than no exchange at all.

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Think Before You Ink:

A PSA from Your Local Tattoo Artist Katelyn Lilly wrote this

Dear spontaneous tattoo shop patron, As your local tat expert, let me start off by telling you that I absolutely love my job. For one, there is no strict dress code. I roll into work every day with a wrinkled, black Metallica shirt and a pair of camo shorts. With no one to impress, I don’t really care about my expanding waistline or offensive, frightening facial piercings. The ink on my arms depicts scenes too vulgar for a Nine Inch Nails music video. I’m truly living the dream. Inflicting pain on people every day with a big-ass needle for an hour or two is the perfect career for me. But over the last few years or so, I’ve been seeing a lot of poor taste in my clients. No, I’m not talking about Dave Matthews Band lyrics scribbled across your shoulder blade or your “one true love’s” name inked with a pink heart on your chest. No, it’s become a lot worse than that. Lately, one of the things I’ve been noticing is a strange obsession with facial tattoos. I don’t really get it. Really? You’re going to try and make yourself uglier? I didn’t think it was possible for some of you. But then I get a few chicks coming in asking for some permanent eyeliner inked on, and I realize that I just made it happen. Keep in mind that while I’m tracing your eyelid with a thick, sharp needle, all I want to do is gouge my own eyes out with it so I don’t have to stare at your face for another second. And if you’re a scrawny white boy who has never lived a day outside of his momma’s house, then you sure as hell don’t deserve these Lil’ Wayne teardrops I’m drawing for you. I’ve also been seeing a lot of attempts at seeming all cultural and worldly. Tattooing yourself with a bunch of Chinese symbols that just mean something like, “I really enjoy sushi,” and Celtic crests are just pathetic excuses to get a tattoo. Congratulations, you’ve officially become like every other inked poser on the planet. Now, if you want a real tattoo, I have a whole design book filled with babes with bangin’ bodies and huge tits that will look sick on your biceps. Or maybe you’re a hunter? I can ink a mean-ass buck or grizzly bear across your calf muscle. Establish your male dominance, sir.

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Don’t worry about your tattoo being too obscene for work or your wedding or whatever. Stick it to the man and release your inner badass. Do you think I got where I am today by censoring everything in my life? If I did, this naked version of Lola Bunny on my back would still be Space Jam PG-level. She’s way too hot for that. Finally, let me remind you that this business is built around permanent tattoos, not those little temporary butterfly ones you put on your face during school picnics. These suckers are stuck on you until the day you die. I’d be willing to bet that if you’re dumb enough to get a meaningless tat in the first place, chances are you have nowhere near enough money to afford laser removal. So don’t come crying back to me in a few years when you realize just how stupid your idea was. You can’t sue me anyway.

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Movie Trivia Answers: 1) Dunston Checks In 2) Peter Jackson 3) Jean-Claude Van Damme 4) Gorillas in the Mist