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Volume 20, Issue 16 5/10/12 - 5/17/12

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The Perfect Slam Piece: Dreams of a Graduating Senior ken doll wrote this

With this fine academic year coming to a close, seniors are all wrapped up in one major concern: how the hell are we going to find an excuse to come back to Champaign next year? Let’s face it, Champaign’s a real-life Candy Land, stuck in the rolling corn fields of central Illinois. Don’t see it? Just replace all the sugarplums with Jägerbombs, reckon the Candy Cane Forest as the Morrow Plots (after you take way too much acid), and replace Princess Lolly with a drunken coed that wants to touch your penis. It totally fits; you’re just not using your imagination. How can a graduating senior possibly justify coming back to this magical kingdom? A victory lap is out of the question, because mom and dad aren’t looking to fork over twenty grand so that you can get day drunk and hit on incoming freshmen for an extra year. You could work in Champaign, but let’s face it, getting a job in Candy Land is going to result in you being pants-less, standing on top of your desk and drunkenly berating your boss. That’s not a good resume-builder. You can always come back for Unofficial, but that’s only one weekend, and you want to make your triumphant return a regular occurance. So now what? How do you get to enjoy a weekend in paradise without getting permanently stranded in this drunken oasis? It’s easy. Find an underclassman, make him/her your slam piece, and then visit every chance you get. Getting attached to new people when you’re about to leave school doesn’t seem like the ideal situation, but you don’t have to even like the person, just sext them enough to have them stick around. Now, you’re probably thinking, “There are so many options on campus. Where do I start?” Well first off, you need to evaluate the state of mind you’ll be in after graduation. If you’re anything like your standard LAS major, you’ll be broke, unemployed,

and living in your parents’ basement for a good ten years or so. In other words, you’ll be living like a champion. You’ll start to miss things like Champaign’s cheap drinks and the allure of sleeping in a college student’s soiled bed every night. This will make you want to hop in your car and drive down to the Land of the Chief every week. Gas isn’t cheap, so you should make sure your sexual partner is loaded. That way, all of the free drinks that you’ll be sucking down will make the trip worth it.

continued on page 19

Other stuff

Inside

Short answer, no. Long answer, how much do you like masturbation?

see page 6

Is Living Alone Right For You?

A beer with Barack or milk with Mitt? see page 9

The world’s a big, scary place with big, scary suggestions.

see page 18

Best Drinking Buddies: Decision 2012 Traveling Abroad After College

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Table of > > >

PAGE 5 >>

Sex and the CU: The History page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week We end the year with a guy of Your College Sex Life

Former Head Coaches Slink page 17 >> Booze Review: Mango Back in over Summer Smirnoff Ah, but they never left our heart.

page 8 >>

We get (really) girly one last time..

Meet Frolf Wiggum, Frisbee page 19 >> Feared Post-Freshman Golf ’s Newest Star Year Encounters Catch the fever! (It’s a Frisbee covered in disease.)

page 9>>

named Bark.

In the beginning Justin touched the boobs and the vagina.

PAGE 7 >>

contents

The girls you thought were your betches were actually just bitches.

From the Streets

What are you going to miss most about campus over the summer?

page 20 >> Movie Review: The Avengers

Box office Hulk smash!

PAGE 10 >> Recent Draft Picks Prepare page 23 >> We Didn’t Stop the for Long Careers

Drinking

Attempting to Destroy Each Other’s Dreams, naturally.

Why would we?

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp

pr manageRs Abbie Welch & Ken Halvachs

copy Editor Mike Benson

photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski

Advertising ManagerS Michelle Lenzen & Eric Blokel

campus director Brendan Bonham

distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier

owner Atish Doshi

Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

page four

pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dear Carl, So you’re done now, huh? - One small fan

tequila Tiny person, years of reality shows and It would appear that after course! up. of lly , fina you is e for her ice e adv tim Yes, my I have left? My k to graduate. So what do l know about it. stil uld sho ple peo shots I am actually on trac but t wouldn’t make an article, Just a few small things tha in the the most delicious things anything. Fried Cheerios are they’re il from unt you t wai use exc and s will a erio Che rrhe Dia then just add Honey Nut , pan ses ng clas fryi r a you in in ter nds but world (lots of not to have your frie the crap out of them). Try r apartment, you at en wom ty slut e fried up, add salt and eat to hav well in them. If you want t another, you can if you actually want to do drink and pretend you wan fied roo a g chu you If ty. arch on a popular rese le litt a ng throw a themed par Doi . of opportunity to escape dow win ll you play a bunch sma a f like e rsel gam you score ugh to talk about the eno .) etc , rim Sky fun). Pack y, Dut of video game (Call just play, they’re a ton of of the palm of your hand (or waxed out ws ing bro eat eye n r ma you a e ting hav will s run out of toilet paper. Get bar the e Most . cas way in g se lon pur a r tissues in you little blowjob goes fifteen percent at least. A graduate, you en Wh . fun e hav ), boosts your appearance by dy too the tissues one is pretty han nitely not proud, importantly (even though d about your time here. Defi goo l fee and k bac k loo to you want to be able but good. Cheers, Carl(y Anne)

He didn't want to spill on his graduation outfit, okay? Think your caption is good enough for Page Four? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com

sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers

zoe saldana & marshall mathers

Can you guess these hotties?

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The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Leerigation

Orb Elk Yolk

Orb Dryer Jet Won

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: Any part of a garment that allows an outsider a salacious view of the wearer’s body. “That purposely-torn American Apparel shirt had an applause-worthy amount of leerigation.”

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SEX

the history of your college sex life

and the Cu

Everyone says that college is the time to experiment with different sexual situations. Not only does this encourage you to do weird, kinky things, but it also makes you feel less guilty because, well, you’re in college and everyone else is doing it. Yep, that’s exactly what I’ve said to the doctors at McKinley numerous times. As a senior who is about to graduate from this fine institution, I’ve taken the time to reflect back on my own sex life over the past four years. Boy, has it been a rollercoaster of emotion and shame. Freshman Year: While you’re excited to meet some fresh faces, you’re still very timid to take the first jump. I mean, who knows what kind of diseases or fetishes or strangely-curved genitalia these people have? You don’t want to wind up like that one girl who got an STD on the first night of college after having unprotected sex in the bathroom of a frat house. So you might make out with a few people here and there, maybe let a couple of nice boys play with your boobs, but you only release your kitten to someone who you can trust and have a monogamous sexual relationship with. Yeah, good luck finding that. Sophomore Year: This is when all hell breaks loose. And by “all hell,” I mean your vagina. You’ve managed to go a whole year without really doing anything too crazy, mainly because you want to be able to show your face at Joe’s again. But now that you’re in your second year of college, you feel a bit more confident, and you’ve got a lot of experimenting to do. You bring home a different man every night, and end up doing things that would make a porn star blush. You might even find yourself waking up next to someone of the same sex. They're wearing

Cleves wrote this a wedding dress and you're missing your underwear. Sure, you may spend 75% of your time buying pregnancy tests or antibiotics, but at least the other 25% of the time you’re having wild sex. Those are some pretty good odds. Worth it, I’d say. Junior Year: So maybe things got a little too weird last year. There are only so many urinary tract infections that one can handle in the span of ten months. Not to mention you had to burn your sheets, and those were 100-thread count ones from Bed Bath & Beyond! After a while, you really can’t bleach out that much blood, semen, and regret. Now you decide to choose a different life path and become celibate. You want to become one of those “born-again virgins” and hang out with the Jesus freaks who host pizza parties. The shame of all the creepy, dirty sex you had last year really got to you. You can’t even look your own grandmother in the eyes anymore. That poor woman, if only she knew… Senior Year: After an entire year of no sex you’re hornier than a fifteen-year-old boy in a room full of busty girls doing jumping jacks. Why did you ever think celibacy was the best option?! But you’re also a couple of years older, so you don’t want to necessarily go back to your wild sophomoric ways. You decide to get yourself a nice little boyfriend. You know, someone who will hump you like a jackrabbit but won’t make you feel like a fivecent hooker. Trying new positions is now something that you and your partner can talk about like adults and test out in a safe environment. Back when you were a slut, you couldn’t even count how many times you’d end up getting seriously injured after a surprise position change. Now you won’t have to worry about all of the amateur stuff.

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Who knows what the world will thrust upon you once you graduate from college. Maybe you’ll repeat the cycle over the next four years. Or maybe you'll be one of those dumbasses who wants to get married right after graduation. In that case, you will be doomed to experience the phase between your junior and senior year for the rest of your life, keeping your legs closed while cautiously looking for someone reliable to settle down with. Either way, it’s important to look back and reflect on what kind of sexual being you’ve been and whether or not you should consider yourself a disappointment. Or maybe a sex addict.

Is Living Alone Right for You? landon millswrote this What’s that? Your roommate ruined living with other people for you? That’s understandable – Dorm room meth labs can have that effect on some people. But before you go Kevin McCallister on us, I’d first like to make sure you understand that living in solitude is not all naked fun and masturbatory games. And as an expert on the unaccompanied lifestyle, I feel as though it is my obligation to inform you that naked fun and masturbatory games are only half a little more than two-thirds of what ‘going solo’ is all about. If you’re still considering plunging genitalsdeep into lonesome living, let me first start by busting the all-time greatest assumption of single-livers: the myth that we walk around naked so much we consider it a hobby. I’ll admit that for the first three months of living alone, there will be moments where you’ll become so accustomed to living in a way that can only be described by the adjective “fleshy”. But I simply refuse to sit here and make the claim that the best part about living alone is getting to walk around naked all the time. Because it’s not. After three months it’s not even on the list, and you start to gross yourself out. You’ll eventually come to the realization that your genitals “aren’t the genitals you’re looking for” and before you know it, underwear will suddenly seem… necessary. Living alone also makes you lethargic; you’re going to accomplish absolutely nothing that you set out to do. Prepare to beat your streak of longest number of consecutive days without having showered... more than once. You’ll also realize that eating over the sink means fewer dishes to wash later on. Most importantly, though, you’re probably unaware of the motivational tool your roommate actually was. Those few hours you had to work on homework while he laid passed out in his own vomit will become those eight hours every night that you keep telling yourself you should be studying as

you opt for one more episode of Mad Men, fifteen times. Your true resiliency against depression will be tested when you decide to stay in for a couple (or four) weekends in a row. Social ineptitude will settle in, and you’ll be forced to study the standard street jive of your young-folked peers in order to comfortably re-acclimate yourself back into their psychedelic times. Evidently, one thing you can do to combat the side effects of social ineptitude is to get a couple of cats. If you’re allergic to cats then just buy a guitar, put it in a corner, and don’t touch it for as long as you’re living alone.

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Everyone thinks people who live alone are extremely creepy. There’s no real argument for that one. You will turn into a creeper. And I’m not talking about this new watereddown definition of what’s now called a “Facebook creeper.” I’m talking about the type of creeper that will sit and study his or her window blinds and develop a theory as to which corner of the blinds is best to peek out in order to avoid losing the one-way game of peek-a-boo with the neighbors. If you’re currently single and expecting to reel chicks in with the fact that you always have the apartment all to yourself, just punch yourself in the temple real quick. Remember what I said about evolving into a creeper? Well, you’re well on your way if this is the type of logic that you’re going to bring to the small, one-person table. To a chick, this is essentially the equivalent to laying a trail of candy through the dark alley and into the back seat of your panel van. Congratulations! You’re pathetic and lonely enough to have persevered through my attempts to scare you away from foolishly signing a yearlong lease of friendlessness! Now every single item inside your fridge is 100% yours. Grocery shopping will be fucking awesome. Food labels that read “will feed six to ten people” are single-living-person for “will feed my fat ass for at least three days.”

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Former Head Coaches Try to sneak Back In Over Summer John McHoneyCombs wrote this

Just this week, Bruce Weber was spotted by custodial staff attempting to sneak back in to his former office. He was chased off with a broom by the janitor on duty after Bruce pleaded, “Oh, hey Rodrigo, I just left something here. Just give me a few minutes to look for it.” The janitor did not believe the former basketball head coach, as he used this excuse before, only to chain himself to his desk, refusing to leave until he was re-instated. This is the most recent instance in which former coach Weber has been spotted on campus harassing students, pleading for a job, and fighting with squirrels for discarded food. In one instance Weber even attacked new Illinois head basketball coach, John Groce. Witnesses described the scene, “He was just standing over him, hitting him with a portrait of that championship team, screaming, ‘If I kill you, I will become you!’” This is not the only case in which a former Illinois head coach has been spotted still bumming around on campus. Former football head coach, Ron Zook, has been spotted several times living in the dumpster outside Nathan Scheelhaase’s apartment. In several cases Zook harassed the Illinois quarterback as he exited his residence. “He would just keep trying to show me these plays he drew on dirty napkins that he thought I should try. I kept telling him that it was the same option play over and over again, and he just stood there like he didn’t understand me.” Coach Zook has also been frequenting the corner of Sixth and Green where he likes to get drunk with the local homeless population and hassle students. “He’s starting to give us a bad name,” remarked Rufus, a local homeless man. “I mean, he just gets blitzed

before noon and starts going on and on to students about how they never even got to a fucking Rose Bowl.” Now and then the coaches will be spotted together, validating the absolute hell out of each other. They tend to frequent Kam’s, where they can be spotted tricking frat boys into accepting free drinks so Weber can tell them about 2005 or Zook can talk about the Rose Bowl. “I got suckered in,” William McLaughlin of Zeta Zeta Zeta said, “They kept buying me Blue Guys and the next thing I know Weber was pulling his pants down to show me a tattoo of Dee Brown’s face on his ass. It was horrible.” Local Champaign authorities advise students to simply ignore the head coaches. Whatever you do, don’t try to validate any accomplishments they’ve had in the past. “We see this behavior frequently in drug addicts. They play on your emotions, saying if you allow them just one more play or game they swear they’ll turn their act around and give you a championship. Next thing you know they’re dragging you down in to the NIT tournament or Division II football with them. Sometimes the best kind of love is tough love,” remarked a representative from local University Police. Police also advise students to avoid places of nostalgia after dark such as Memorial Stadium or Assembly Hall. If you hear a raspy voice screaming, “Catch it, Jenkins!” or “Fuckin’ box out, Tisdale!” you are advised to run and dial 911.

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meet frolf wiggum

Alex dimaris wrote this

World-class frisbee golf athlete Charles “Frolf Wiggum” Johnson was eagerly anticipating his first night out on the town after winning the coveted “Golden Disc,” an award given to the best frisbee golf player in Division I collegiate athletics. Unfortunately, the night did not live up to his expectations, and The Black Sheep has the exclusive story. Being the first University of Illinois student to win the award in the two years of its existence, Johnson was cited as feeling excited, accomplished, and, “Totally ready to get [his] dick wet.” His confidence and narcissism lit up the room; it looked as though nothing would ruin this champion’s night. It only took a few minutes, though, for things to take a devastating turn. According to onlookers, Johnson was turned away within seconds of approaching a group of girls at Red Lion. When questioned later, the girls were openly disgusted by his approach. “He immediately started making small talk and inappropriate jokes about Poop Girl. I thought that was pretty shitty of him. That poor girl couldn’t help it,” said the one with large breasts. “He smelled like a farm,” said the slightly-too-tall one. “What’s frisbee golf?” asked the short, chubby one who smelled like a farm herself. Girls reportedly ignored Johnson all night in favor of another athlete who was stealing the spotlight: Illinois’ star basketball player Meyers Leonard. An anonymous source saw Meyers reeling in unsuspecting sorostitues by bragging about the men’s basketball squad “almost” making the NCAA tournament and “just barely” finishing with a winning record. These statements were apparently greeted by sighs, wide eyes, and weak knees.

Leonard also reportedly started a nude riot/orgy when he brought up his NBA draft stock. The moans could be heard as far away as Lincoln Avenue. In a pathetic attempt to mimic the suave conversation style of Leonard, Johnson reportedly used his potential professional career as a frisbee golfer as bait. “You know, if I get drafted and get off of my rookie contract, I could be making as much as $15,000 a year in Zig-Zag rolling papers.” (All professional frisbee golf leagues are sponsored by the cannabis paraphernalia industry). Chubby farm girl remained unimpressed. These failed attempts were the first in a long line of rejections for Johnson who, just last summer, decided to finally ignore his mother’s advice of “just being himself.” He rejected it in favor of pursuing fame through the world of recreational sports and cargo shorts, a strategy that the latest issue of Cosmo has deemed “nearly as effective as wealth and good looks.” Realizing that most collegiate sports are actually competitive, he decided to pursue a career in frisbee golf, so as not to harm what he thought was a “pretty face.” “When I first stepped foot on the field, I knew it was for me. I had finally found my calling and never before have I felt so confident.” When asked what initially drew him to the sport, Johnson is candid with his response. “If I can find a sport that doesn’t require too much intelligence or physical conditioning, it’s kind of hard to pass up. Plus, I know that the ladies are really into jerseychasing these days.” Johnson is also routinely found bragging to the only member of the media that covers frisbee golf (me), stating that he is clearly the tannest of the

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all-white competitors, another feature that he believes will be his golden ticket into the pants of an attractive female fan. Those interested in learning more about Charles “Frolf Waldo Emerson” Johnson should look for his cover shoot in this month’s edition of Frisbee Golf Monthly (written, edited, printed and shipped all by me), where a seductive centerfold is included, highlighting Johnson’s mammoth wrists, pasty white thighs, and abnormally large (photoshopped) testicles. Also included in this month’s edition is a twenty-page report from the United States government on why a rising suicide rate amongst frisbee golf players coincides with stricter open alcohol container laws. On newsstands now!

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What are you going to miss most about campus over the summer? "Working at Kam's." - Jake F., Junior

Best Drinking Buddy: Decision 2012 chris field wrote this In democracies around the world there is a sacred tradition among citizens to carefully elect politicians based on their experience, intelligence, and moral code. Not here, though. We pick the candidate we would most like to shoot hoops and have a beer with. Therefore, let us examine the current presidential candidates to see which one is deserving of the title of “Best Drinking Buddy” and all of its glory. Barack Obama Drink of Choice: Goose Island Ale The Illinois native has clearly shown a belief in the magical powers of brew, once attempting to solve a matter of racial tension with a “Beer Summit.” Before you get the party started with the prez, make damn sure you have a functioning karaoke machine on hand. After you lose several games of beer pong to Obama but have him good and tipsy, bust out the karaoke. The man sounds like Al Green when stone-cold sober, so who knows what kind of glory you might uncover when discretion goes out the window. Ray Charles? Frank Sinatra? We'd fire up Tupac’s “Hit ‘Em Up” and have Obama spit a version where “Westside” becomes “USA” and “Biggie” becomes “Osama bin Laden.” Can you imagine that shit? It’d top the charts before replacing our current national anthem. The risk you take, however, in getting drunk with the sitting president is that a slap on the back or funny glance could be misinterpreted by the Secret Service, resulting in you being relocated to Guantanamo Bay and your house being bombed by a Predator drone. Mitt Romney Drink of Choice: Skim milk Sigh… Mitt doesn’t drink… at all. Even if you managed to trick him into drinking something mixed with flavormasked vodka, the man would pass out on your couch within a matter of seconds due to a complete lack of tolerance. As fun as it is to draw penises and swastikas on a lightweight, the markers will last longer than the actual entertainment will. Thankfully, Mitt can offer you something rarely available on campus: a dependable sober buddy. He’ll happily drive you from bar to bar using his fleet of pimped-out Caddies, and you won’t have to worry about him succumbing to temptation like knocking

back ten Jagerbombs and crashing into a cop car on the way to The Silver Bullet. Furthermore, if you were to run up a huge tab at the bar, Mitt could easily cover it for you, and will, so long as you promise to vote for him and not use the words “flip-flop”. Romney does, however, lack a key trait that is highly desirable for a sober buddy. Sometimes, when you’re too sloshed to walk in a straight line or do basic math, you need your friend to provide honest answers to questions you can no longer answer yourself. These questions include, “Is this person I’m planning on boning as hot as I think they are?” or, “Am I currently pissing in my pants?” The problem is Mitt, desperate to please, will only give you the answer he thinks you WANT to hear, not necessarily the one you NEED to hear. False information in these instances can potentially result in a trip to jail, or worse, in bed next to a grenade. WILDCARD: Ron Paul Drink of Choice: Absinthe If you’re the type who votes but doesn’t really give a shit who wins in the end, potential third party candidate Ron Paul may be your guy. At a glance, he doesn’t appear to be the most promising drinking buddy, being a frail, gray-haired fella whose voice cracks like a horny thirteen-year-old if it goes louder than a whisper, but appearances can be deceiving. This guy thinks everything besides genocide and sexual harassment should be legal. Just think of all the nasty things you can get away with at the bar now with the fear of harassment out the window. Essentially, feel free to go nuts around this guy. Have him pick up some magic mushrooms on his way over, order some call girls, and see where the night takes you. If you can get Ron drunk enough that he finally shuts up about the Federal Reserve, you’ll have a night to remember (but won’t remember). With the general election primary nary six months away candidates are gearing up for their run at the number one spot. Better use your connections to get a closeddoor meeting with these cats now, before they’re begging for your vote.

"Drunk food, especially Fat Sandwich." - Steve M., Sophomore

"Boning sorostitutes." - Nick W., Sophomore

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Recent NFL Draft Picks Prepare for Long Careers

Attempting to Destroy Each Other’s Dreams benson wrote this

Talk to any member of the Illini football team, and they’ll tell you that the cornerstone of their organization is the brotherhood amongst the teammates. (This only works if you are a girl or talent scout, though. I tried talking to them, and they told me just to take my autographed foam finger and leave.) At the end of the day, it’s not about trophies or pride for these guys, it’s about winning and losing, heads held high, with the guy next to you. That’s why moments after Whitney Mercilus and A.J. Jenkins were drafted in the first round, by The Texans and 49ers, respectively, they had nothing but supportive words for each other. Jenkins: “When I heard that Whitney was drafted in the first round, I almost felt happier for him than I did for myself. Throughout our time at U of I we became closer than brothers. However, when I see him on the field, I will do everything within my power to make sure that I decisively and humiliatingly defeat him and ruin his dreams of ever winning a title. That I can promise you.” Mercilus: “I was glad to see that Mike was picked up by the 49ers, because now I know that I will rarely have to face the tough situation of playing against him in an important game. However, on the off chance that I play his team, a certain man’s kneecaps might be struck by a certain one of my Bentleys.” While it is almost certain that the pressure of an NFL career will kill whatever honor and good grace exist between these two individuals, they were initially determined to

retain a friendly relationship. For instance, when Mercilus and Jenkins first met up after being drafted by their teams, Mercilus suffered a freak injury during their handshake that resulted in a sprained wrist. In response to this, Jenkins had the good graces to drive Mercilus to within a couple miles of the hospital, giving him an opportunity to walk it off. However, recent reports show that in a few short weeks the affable friendship between these two has quickly deteriorated. While it is only natural that the NFL was eventually going to turn these two into competitors, the fact that these two are already attempting to ruin each other’s dreams shows the beginnings of an intense rivalry. When asked about this rivalry which seemed to be forming, Jenkins replied, “Here’s what you have to understand; being teammates, Mercilus and I have been trained to think, act, and play as a unit. Even though he played defense and I played offense, we still had to think the same in order to succeed. I cannot allow him to have that kind of information when we play in the NFL. I have no choice but to remove that kind of power from my road to the Super Bowl. Say what you will, but I have to do what I have to do.” When Mercilus heard this, he laughed and replied, “Yeah, so he keeps trying to injure me in these pretty messed up ways. Like, he tried to break my wrist when we shook hands the other day. While I will not let him have a successful career as long as he’s playing against me, I’m not going

to do it through cheap shots. I’ve watched him play countless times, I know how that guy thinks on the field, he’ll have a torn ACL in no time.” This childish back and forth between these two former friends has drawn a lot of criticism from Illini fans. Many of these critics understand such cattiness coming from a pussy wide receiver, but from a tough defensive end? Never. As of today, the two players refuse to speak to each other. However, it won’t be long until they are telling the each other to “quit now,” and that they will “defeat you and humiliate you with all the power I have” in press conferences and Twitter updates.

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$2 Absolut Vodka $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

GRADUATION PARTY 2012 (Late!)

WED 5/09

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

THURS 5/10

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

SNEAKY GENE, SEAN SHIEL and A COOL HAND

featuring Wells & Bud Light Bottles

$3 EVERYTHING ELSE

Withershins Live at 10PM! Special Guests Shy Guy Says and Cowboy Indian Bear!

FRI 5/11

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers

COHEED & CAMBRIA * Sold Out! *

Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 Burgers $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light Tallboys

TOTALLY 80's PARTY! DJ Stifler and DJ Tim Williams Spinning All Your Favorite Old School Jams!

SAT 5/12

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

Grad Weekend $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Jack Daniels Special Guest DJ Spinning

CANDY FOSTER & SHADES OF BLUE LIVE AT 930PM!

** CLOSED **

GRADUATION PARTY! Special Guest DJ Spinning All Night! The Porch will be Open Serving Fantastic Food starting at 11am -9pm

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestics $2 Wells NO COVER

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

DAVID MAYFIELD PARADE w/ CHICAGO FARMER (Early!) GRADUATION PARTY 2012 (Late!)

$2 U Call It

SUN 5/13

Closed

MON 5/14

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

** CLOSED **

The Porch will be Open Daily Serving Great Food from 11am-3pm Everyday!

TUES 5/15

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Long Island Iced Teas $2.25 Bud & Bud Light Drafts

Wine Night $2 Wells & Domestic Bottles $8 Bottles of Wine & Champagne

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

WED 5/16

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs $5 Mugs and $3 Refills Cheap Drinks & Live Music!

Book your Next Party or Event at The Clybourne - Contact our Event Planner - Ashley at 217-722-9000 or Email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

Your Victory Lap Just Got a Lot Better.

We’re Pet Friendly!

Who said you had to graduate in four years? Be a super-whatever and live in Burnham next year, where you can be close to your classes and close to the bars, because we'll never judge if you decided on that six-year plan. ONLY A FEW STUDIOS AND ONE-BEDROOMS LEFT! OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

SPECIAL NIGHT

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street Thursday, May 11th SENIOR BASH! Everyone that comes in will get their name engraved on a Class of 2012 Plaque to be displayed in Firehaus Forever Lots of Giveaways All Night!

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

$2.50 Jack Daniels $2.50 SoCo $1 Specialty Shots

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

Don't Miss X-KRUSH w/ 90s Daughter on Saturday May 19th!

CONGRATS GRADS! Come Party at Joe's One Last Time (Until the Next Time...and the Next Time...)

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs NO COVER

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

Salsa (Early) DJ Delayney (Late) $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!

$7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

FRIDAY: EVERYDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $2.50 Summer Shandy Special Night $5.50 Jager Bombs $3. Dr. Mcgillicuddy's Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

WED 5/09

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

$2.50 Summer Shandy Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $2.50Wednesday MIC Night $3OPEN Strong Islands $2.50 Corona $4 Oh Yeahs $2.50 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

THURS 5/10

GRAD BASH A Night for the Seniors! We are giving away lots of Free stuff! Someone will Win a Trip to Vegas $2.50 Absolut Vodka

$1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Drinks

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

FRI 5/11

$5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 Jager Bombs

$2 Blue Moon $3 Strong Island $4 Double Vodka Drinks

$2.50 Summer Shandy $3 Captain & Coke $3 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $4 Strong Islands

SAT 5/12

Graduation Party Congrats Grads $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Bombs

$3 Wells $4 Guinness Bottles $5 Double Whiskey Wells

$2.50 Summer Shandy $3 Captain & Coke $3 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $4 Strong Islands

Watch Every Cubs, Sox, and Cards Game Here!

DJ Dance Party at 10PM

The Parents are Paying, so Enjoy $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 5/13

Open at 11am Come Enjoy Lunch & Dinner! Beer Garden is Open! $2 Everything in the House Grad Party Sunday Night!

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf

$1 Coors and Bud Light Drafts $2 Wells $3 Calls $4 Oh Yeah's

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Celebrate Being Done with $4 Cups of Shots

MON 5/14

$1 Drafts $2 Wells

$5 High Life Pitchers $1 Wells 8-12 $4 Pizzas and $0.50 Slices

$2 Coors and Bud Light Pints $2 Vodka Cranberry $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

MNJ BABY! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

TUES 5/15

Keep up with Everything going on at Firehaus! Twitter @FirehausUofI www.FirehausBar.com

$4 Corona $2 Tequila Shots $1 Wells $3 Double Vodkas

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com

8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

WED 5/16

$3 Strong Islands

Book your Next Party or Event at Firehaus - Contact our Event Planner - Ashley at 217-722-9000 or Email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

$1.50 Coors Light Drafts $2.50 Icebombs $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi and Car Bombs

$2.50 Summer Shandy $2.50 Dr. Mcgillicuddy's $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeahs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Download Our App! Bar Specials, Articles, Party Pics! iPhone

For iPhone and Android Search Black Sheep Mobile

Android The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN SUNDAY: Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

SAT: DOLLAR PARTY! $1 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Bacardi (Frat Potion) $3 Bacardi Bombs

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

SPECIAL NIGHT

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 5/09

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

One Last Shacker Night! $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $5 24oz SHACKERS $3 SoCo Lime Shots

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

THURS 5/10

CONGRATS GRADS!

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

FRI 5/11

CONGRATS GRADS!

DOLLAR PARTY! $1 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Bacardi (Frat Potion) $3 Bacardi Bombs

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

SAT 5/12

$2 U Call It

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion- Contact our Event Planner - Ashley at 217-722-9000 or Email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

SUN 5/13

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

$2 U Call It

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

Open All Summer! Follow us on Twitter @RedLionUofI

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 5/14

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Country Nite $3.50 Dbl Jim Beams $5 Cruzan Rum Party Pails

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

GREEK REUNION 2012 Saturday, July 14th Outdoor Pool Party and Beach! For more details follow us online at RedLionChampaign.com

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Book your Next Party or Event at Red Lion- Contact our Event Planner - Ashley at 217-722-9000 or Email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

CONGRATS GRADS! Come Get Your 2012 Miller Graduation Pints All Week! $2 Lite Fills!

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Bacardi Black Razz Party $2.50 Black Razz Drinks, Bacardi Girls, Glow Sticks, and DJ Bart

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM’S w/ DJ Jay $2 UV Blue Guys $1 Rolling Rock & HL Bottles Try the New $5 Blue Guy Kicker - It Will Kick Your Ass! Graduation Pints are Here! $2 Miller Lite Fills

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

4 Rebels Vodka Graduation Party featuring Chicago DJ "Big Daddy" $3 Rebels Drinks and $4 Blue Guys $2 Miller Lite Grad Pint Fills

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Miller Lite Grad Party Get your Graduation Glass Here $2 Miller Lite Fills

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 5/16

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

CONGRATS GRADS!

TUES 5/15

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

FEELING STRESSED ABOUT SCHOOL?

WELCOME HOME We have the perfect place to relax!

Free Tanning, Spa, and 24 Hour Fitness Center

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms.

Luxurious Clubhouse

• Internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

Private Shuttle to and from Campus, Plus "Late Night Shuttle"

You get all of this, too!

, a y ' n i w o n Nice k

seniors! Corey

Cleves

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michelle

y d n a b & n i v e z

View AND Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App!

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Bartenders

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Week

of the

Bark Urbanoek kam's

Major: I’m just here to marry up. Relationship Status: Fuck child support. When was the last time you drank yourself to oblivion: Currently. Favorite late night food: I like to keep it kosher. Best part of working at Kam’s: Girls don’t shit on our floor. Nickname: Your mom’s favorite. Who’s ass would win in a fight Nicki Minaj’s or Jennifer Lopez’s: Sam Lenders’. Worst part of bartending: My asshole pledge brothers. What is the one thing that gets you as giddy as a kid on Christmas: Marietta’s tits. If you won the lottery what is the first thing you’d do: Marietta. Where did you have your first kiss: …Still waiting for the right one. (thanks for bringing it up). Would you rather drink an ounce of cum or an ounce of dip spit: Whose cum?

drinking game:

Beersketball

Chrissy Sullivan clybourne

Major: Communication. Relationship Status: Married to Scott Cochrane. When was the last time someone walked in on you masturbating: Never, I’m always satisfied. If the guy of your dreams asked you to make him your favorite drink what would you make: Liquid cocaine. Have you named any of your body parts: Hooters – I have the shirt to prove it. Sexiest article of clothing you own: Titty Tassles. Best part of working at Cly’s: Staff hookups in the kitchen. Would you rather hook up with Carrot Top or Flavor Flav: Whoever has the biggest dick. Longest period of time you’ve gone without sex: My first 14 years of life. Who is your celebrity crush: A Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber threesome. Who was the last person you fantasized about: Bruce Weber.

recipe for disaster:

Deep-Fried Everything

With Derrick Rose—and the Bulls’ title hopes—gone, many of you will drown yourselves in alcohol, curl up in the fetal position, and weep like a baby who has been neglected by its momma. Might as well still enjoy the NBA playoffs, even if they aren’t exactly what you had hoped for.

Don’t know what to do with that lonesome Oreo that’s been sitting in the back of your pantry for too long? How about that semester-old donut? That Twinkie you grabbed at I-57 because you had a few credits to spare? Put them to good use and fry those suckers up.

What You’ll Need: A TV with the game on and a shitload of Booze(r). Number of Players: There’s no dumb five-player limit here so bring anyone you want! Intoxication Level: By the end, you’ll find Chris Bosh attractive and think LeBron is a swell guy. So yeah, you’ll get really drunk.

What You’ll Need: Vegetable oil, one egg, one cup of milk (you can drink whole milk if you want to), one cup of pancake mix, and anything you want to fry. Cook Time: About 10 minutes, unless you have a ridiculous amount of food to fry, you hoarding fatass. Fatty Factor: You may want to revise your will and write out your obituary before consuming. Just a heads-up.

Let’s Get Sloppy: - Every player must pick the team they’ll be rooting for and a player on that team to follow. - Every time your team scores, drink a second for each point earned. If it was scored by your player, drink double. - If a player from either team drunks, everyone must take a shot. If your player dunks, you take two. - If someone hits a three-pointer, everyone rooting for that team drinks for three seconds. - If your team is winning by halftime, you can choose to either take a shot or shotgun a beer. You also get to choose one member from the other team to do it with you. - If your team loses, toss back a shot, shotgun a beer, and start planning your retirement now. The Game Ends When: Emotional drunks start curling up in the fetal position as previously mentioned and a heated rivalry causes two friends to take it outside for some wasted street ball.

Thirsty for More?

theblacksheeponline.com

Let’s Get Baked: - Heat an obscene amount of oil on a skillet or in a deep fryer. - Whisk together the egg, milk, and two more teaspoons of veggie oil in a bowl. - Add a cup of pancake mix and stir it up until it isn’t all gross and lumpy. - Dip your food of choice into the pancake mix until fully covered. - Lay that bad boy on the skillet or toss it in the fryer until it’s golden brown (should take about two minutes). This’ll be sure to make you smile while your arteries fill with greasy tears and explode inside of you.

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The

Review Page

BOOZE REVIEW

booze review: Mango smirnoff | grade: B+ Overview: For the final booze review of the year we stick with what we know: girly vodkas. So when we got to Piccadilly, we went straight to the vodka shelf and picked out the only Smirnoff flavor we had yet to review. History: Just when Smirnoff had thought they’d completely exhausted every last fruit-based flavor, they remembered mango and how weirdly tart and delicious the fruit can be. So they took it to production, and the fans went wild. Their first batch of Smirnoff Mango was to die for. It was nectar from the gods. So much so that it caused riots in the streets; people went mad over that alcohol. So finally, after some tweaks to tone the taste down to levels tolerable to man, they have rereleased Smirnoff Mango for your enjoyment. Typical Drinkers: Fury-induced mobs, Jessica Rabbit, weird butterflies, people who bite their nails too far back, Phil Dunfy, women who wear tankinis, corrupt judges, people who get tattoos when they’re

The Mixer Center

Sprite: BOrange Juice: B+

drunk, and children who grow up with fears of clowns. User Comments: “People don’t change, just like mangos.” “Where the heck can you even find mangos, or when are they even in season?” “It’s sweet and tart, but not in a way that I hate.” “Typing hurts my fingers because all my nails have been torn past the beds.” “Anyone else feel like getting a tattoo?” Conclusion: Go for it. You’re done with finals by now. That must be nice. Enjoy your summer, because before you know it, you’ll all be in the real world, unemployed and worthless.

Tears: D+ Pineapple Juice: A+

THe top ten

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Traveling Abroad after college

Bullshit Finals Twists 10) Focuses on One Topic You Covered: The intelligent thing to do when studying is to cover your bases and examine all the sections, because after all, the final should cover the whole course, right? But instead, your professor says, “Screw that! I only really cared about one part of the semester.” So now most of your studying proves to be a complete waste and you’re expected to know every minute detail about one topic.

Corey Guastini wrote this After four years of college, it’s tempting to spend a year traveling abroad before beginning a career or attending graduate school. (You know, all that important, adult stuff.) Because hey, you’re young and there’s no better time to waste a lot of money and make a lot of bad decisions! Four years of college just wasn’t enough. And it would be pretty nice to relax in a beautiful, foreign place that lets you forget about the critical life decisions staring you down back home. If you do choose to take this route, I suggest you invest in a few guidebooks and dictionaries and prepare for some of these exciting exchanges you may have with the locals abroad.

9) Ultra-Specific Multiple Choice: “Remember in chapter seven we read when some unimportant character’s dog takes a massive shit on the carpet? What was the dog’s name?” Finals should be about important concepts and key facts, not an autism test. The professor might as well ask what color tie he wore on Wednesday in week three. 8) Write a Book: Your professor wants to make damn sure you’re writing for every second of it the three-hour time limit, so the multiple essays on the exam instruct you to write a total of fifteen fucking pages. That is, unless you want to fail, you clear, concise dickhead! By the ninety-minute mark, your hand is showing acute signs of carpal tunnel syndrome as multiple pens run out of ink.

SPAIN You: Hello sir! Would you be able to tell me if I can I catch the bus here? Spaniard: Uhh… no speak English, señor. You: Shoot. I should probably know how to say bus in Spanish. Bus. BUS. (Makes steering motion). Here? HERE? (Points to ground). Spaniard: Uhh… no speak English, lo siento. You: No English? None at all? Spaniard: Uhh… un poco, little words… uhh... hello… uhh… what is name… uhh… what are your plans now that you’ve graduated college… uhh… library… You: What? Why do you know how to say that? I’ll have options when I get back, okay?! Spaniard: Que? GERMANY You: How much does this cost? I should probably know how to say that too. Anyone? (Shouts loudly with obnoxious arm movements). Does anyone speak English? How much does this marzipan cost?

Child: What do you do? You: Well, I just graduated from college. Child: So, what do you do now? You: Well, I’m taking a little time off to travel. Child: You don’t have a job? You: Well, no not right now. Child: And you don’t go to school? You: Well no, but I just finished college. Child: So you do nothing? Maman was right. Americans are lazy. You: I’m not lazy! I was just burnt out, and I needed some time to figure things out! I need this! Child: Croissant?

German: Ah! I speak a little English.

You: Yes, please.

You: Finally! Thank God. I’m glad someone has some sense here.

ITALY You: Quanto costa un ora? Ha! I actually know Italian! Watching all those episodes of Jersey Shore paid off!

German: Yes. I do some business in America, so it’s mostly business phrases. “Where is the invoice?” or, “When will this be shipped?” or “Boy, I bet it’s tough to get a job in America with such a harsh economic climate. Even people with college degrees are struggling, no? Recent graduates shouldn’t waste time doing anything other than looking for work.” Oh, and the marzipan is two Euros. You: You’ve got to be kidding me! The economy will have improved by the time I get back! I made the right decision! German: What? FRANCE You: Hello! Do you speak English? I’m looking for a good restaurant. Child: Maman doesn’t speak English, but I do. Are you an American? (Stares up at you dreamily). You: Yes, I am.

Gondolier: I actually know English. I take tourists up and down these canals all day. Over the years I’ve picked up a few words. And it’s twenty Euros. You: Oh. Okay. Gondolier: Which direction do you want to go? You: Whichever way. I don’t want to make any decisions on this trip. I’m just here to relax. Gondolier: Ah. Such is the life of a gondolier, just traveling with the flow of the canal without a care in the world. But from what I hear, this sort of living doesn’t cut it in the United States. You must live a deliberate life. You must make decisions. You can’t shy away from them. You certainly can’t dick around for a year abroad after graduating college. So, what brings you over to Italy? You: Let me off the gondola.

7) Remembering Unnecessary Citations: It’s one thing to demand in-text citations for a take-home essay, it’s another thing to force you to remember article titles and authors during an in-class exam. What’s the point in remembering that certain information you covered was written by Keith Bonerballs in 1994, titled "A Scholarly Perspective of Pre-Columbian Tribes in South-East Uruguay"? 6) Ignoring the Majority: Some professors will ask the class one week prior to the final to vote on how the students would like the final structured: long essay, short answer, multiple choice, etc. They say they’ll stick with the majority, but when the day arrives, you show up only to find the professor said, “To hell with that shit!” and gave you the exact opposite format. Whether due to Alzheimer’s or a genuine desire to screw everybody over, this is inexcusable. 5) The In-Class Take-Home Final: When the professor tells you literally every single short answer and essay question that will be on the test, you may think, “This is awesome! What a swell guy. Now there won’t be any surprises!” But if you think about it, why the hell can’t it just be a take-home exam? If you’re studying and writing out the answers beforehand, why do you need to come in and spend hours re-writing it? 4) Stuff Never Covered in Class: You actually attended every class of the semester and took diligent notes on everything the professor said. Only problem is, much of the exam is on readings only mentioned in the syllabus and never spoken of once during a single lecture. If the shit was so important, why didn’t he ever talk about it? 3) The Professor’s Opinion Final: College is no longer about learning factual information and then making your own educated decisions about it. Your (insert: liberal, conservative, religious, racist, hippie, nut job) professor determines your grade based on the extent to which you’re willing to agree with his opinion on something. Basically, you get an "A" for being brainwashed successfully. 2) The “Surprise, there’s no final!” Final: Your professor told you when and where the final would be, and you studied for eight excruciating hours on how plant cells absorb mucus. Then you show up and hear your professor say happily, “On a piece of paper, write your name and one paragraph on what you enjoyed most about the semester. Have a nice summer!” The students could have spent those hours shot-gunning Budweisers and boning, you asshole! 1) Everything Comes Down to This!: Your professor has made the “no pressure” decision to base sixty-plus percent of your grade on this one test. Screw quizzes, take-home essays, attendance, participation… you own this test or you fail! Just like a baseball player batting with a full count, two outs, and the bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth, you’re more than likely just going to screw it up.

chris field wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com Another thing you have to be concerned with is clinginess. Sure, you’ve got no problem sharing the weekend with your partner in crime when seventy percent of your time is spent either drunk or in your favorite sex position, but what about after? The last thing you need is some spoiled brat, barely out of her teens, texting you all the time, trying to put “labels” on things. Then you’ll log on to Facebook to realize she’s changed her status to “in an open relationship.” Now’s the time to send a series of emails to Mark Zuckerberg, pleading for him to add a more apt relationship status option; “just fuckin.'” If he doesn’t promptly respond, tell your meat wallet some elaborate lie about bad cell phone reception in your hometown. Promise to drive up the big hill just outside of town for a bi-weekly phone call at a set time. They’ll find your faux-effort endearing. And endearing leads to anal, people. And remember, many will tell you that it’s a bad idea to date a girl in college after you’ve graduated because the odds of infidelity are high. However, you need to note you’re not dating this person to establish a lasting relationship; you just need a ticket back to the old C-U. Because of this, you shouldn’t worry about your new significant other cheating on you. In fact, you should actively push this guy or girl to see other people when you’re not around, just make sure they don’t get too close to the other person, lest you lose your weekend bed. To prevent casual sex, send a daily picture of your junk to your C-U slam piece. No, you don’t care about turning them on. By sending a daily cock shot, you all but assure that any other sexual partner she may have will see your stuff. They’ll be far too scared of your gangrenous man-meat to commit to your bang broad.

Lastly, after being out of the functioning alcoholic game for a while, odds are that your tolerance has slid from “problem drinker” to “drinking this much is a problem.” Sure, now that you’re home you may sip on a few Leinenkugels with mom at dinner, but that’s nothing compared to the raging drunk you were during the school year. This means that you also need to find someone that is less of a whiskey-soaked mess than you are, meaning it’s be best to stay away from the naïve and the inexperienced, also known as incoming freshmen. These people can’t help you when you break your leg in a drunken dance-off on the stripper poles at Joe’s. They’ll be too scared to call an ambulance for you, and this is assuming you find a way to sneak their underage asses into the bar. Your slam piece has to be less useless than you, but he or she also needs to be caring enough to make sure you just don’t pass out on the floor and piss your pants every night. After all, if they can’t drag you into bed after a hard night of partying, you’re not even gonna get to bang ‘em! There goes your free sex! Right out the window! If you want to continue to take advantage of the fantasy world that is Chambana, all you need to do is find a wealthy and thoughtful sexual partner that isn’t too clingy. Keep in mind that this person also needs to be willing to buy you drinks and let you shack with them whenever you feel like reliving your glory days. If you haven’t caught our drift yet, you need to find a rich, ugly person seriously lacking in self esteem. It shouldn’t be too hard, just hang around outside Bromley for a while. On second thought, maybe it’s better if you don’t graduate.

Feared Post-Freshman Year Encounters Forrest Fire wrote this

As the school year comes to an end most people are dreading jobs, dealing with parents, sunburns, lack of binge drinking, and all the other things that take place during the summer months. None of these compare to returning home and running into people from high school. Ghosts of one’s past are like cold sores; they always show up when you don’t want them to, and they never disappear fast enough. Run-ins with acquaintances from your past can happen at grocery stores, restaurants, shopping malls, gas stations, and the like. They will happen on the days where you never changed out of your pajamas, forgot to put on deodorant, or woke up with five new pimples festering on the center of your forehead. Be prepared to make the worst “second first impression” possible. When you spot a person you recognize from a distance, try to avoid them at all costs. Though, once eye contact is made, and it always is, it's like breaking the seal. You’re screwed. An unenthusiastic wave and an awkward, toothless smile are given as you brace yourself to “catch up.” Freshman year of college occurs after four years of being cooped up in the same classrooms with the same group of kids. It’s a new world to explore, with so many new guys and girls to plunder. A lot of “clean” people you used to know in high school have gotten themselves into some dirty situations their first year away. That’s right, we’re talking STDs. Who were

Yes, that'll do nicely. the biggest culprits? The girls always sneaking up to rooms in frat houses for the “extra shots” or “quieter places to talk.” Some may have actually learned from this experience, choosing to turn to God instead of living on in their devilish ways. But even if they call themselves “born-again-virgins”, the shame still lives on inside their vaginas. So when you’re face-to-face with one of these failures, try to be as compassionate as possible. They’re still a little torn up inside.

are you doing this summer?” is only putting off the obvious. The only thing running through your mind is, “HOLY SHIT, YOU LOOK FATTER IN PERSON THAN YOU DO IN PICTURES.” The usual “You look good,” turns into, “The weight you gained in your face really bring out your cheeks.” There will be a moment of tension and then a terrible, urgent excuse will be given for leaving. “Uh, I have to run. My mom wants me to pick up ketchup otherwise our cat will die.”

The other unfortunate part of sex, besides contracting STDs or climaxing too soon, is turning into a momma. We’re getting to the age where more and more girls think that popping a child out is the cool thing to do. We’re barely older than eighteen and still taking mirror pictures of ourselves in bar bathrooms. A kid probably isn’t a good addition to that very literal picture right now. But when you go home, you’re bound to run into girls who don’t agree with this, ones that just-so-happen to be more plump than Veruca Salt. If it makes you feel awkward, then just ignore that fetus bulge in her tummy and never let your gaze fall below her neck. If she brings it up just quickly reply, “Oh thank you for reminding me! I have to pick up my birth control prescription before the pharmacy closes!” before running off.

The final run-in that you'll encounter is one that everyone dreads: anyone from that “cool” group of friends in high school. These run-ins are extremely unpleasant because they’re hard conversations to carry, so the awkwardness is through the roof. It’s not like you ever talked to any of them before, so what the hell do you have to say to each other now? You could hear a lot of interesting things from these ex-Regina Georges (because we all know they became nobodies once they stepped foot on their college campus). Expect questions like, “Cocaine isn’t addictive, trust me. Wanna do some lines?” or, “When did you get pretty?”

Freshman fifteen-ers, or even thirtyplus-ers, are the most common types of high school homies to run into. Exchanging “How are you?” and “What

As you cruise the lame party scene you once thought to be top-notch, running into people you previously found interesting, talking about topics that currently bore you to death, remember you’re only gone for three months. You’ll be blue for a while, but you’ll be back to downing blue guys in no time.

The Movie Page the avengers

Based on the Trailer

May 2012

Nerds, prepare for a Hulk-sized boner Directed by

Joss Whedon

starring

Robert Downey, Jr., Chris Evans

GRADE A John McHoneyCombs wrote this

Comic book fan-boys: the wet dream you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. With The Avengers, the first blockbuster of the summer is here. The plot has to do with Loki (that emo guy from Thor) coming to Earth and blah blah blah Tesseract blah blah blah gamma radiation. Look, let’s stop fooling around here: no one is coming into this movie looking for a story. You just want to see superheroes punch things to death. The Avengers could have just been as easily titled Iron Man and His Band of Background Superheroes because Robert Downey Jr. does such a fantastic job as the fast-talking Tony Stark that you won’t really care much about anyone else. Now, that’s not to say that Downey is the only good part about this movie; nearly everything in it is lifted out of the superhero story rulebook. The pacing is appropriate, delivering action and comedy whenever you’re starting to feel the least bit bored. Honestly though, if you’re bored throughout this movie then you might want to check your pulse. Even our managing editor was pissing herself in excitement next to me. Trust me I know, I could feel the puddle forming by my feet.

on dvd

The one downside to this movie is Samuel L. Jackson’s character, Nick Fury. His lines felt forced, and his whole side plot does not interest the viewer as much as the intense action scenes between the film’s core characters. On the flip side, the one surprisingly strong performance comes from Agent Phil Coulson, played by Clark Gregg. He’s been the kind-of-annoying background character in past Marvel films, but here he’s surprisingly funny, thanks to unforeseen character development in this flick. As much cannot be said for the new kids on the block, Hawkeye and Black Widow. They're attempt to flesh out their characters was wasted time in this film. But you already knew that. If you’re plunking down some cash for The Avengers, make sure you see this movie in a loud theater, preferably in IMAX. This film is made for surround sound and HD. However, be ready to be sitting in a theater surrounded by absolute morons. The average IQ in the movie theater will be lower than the Hulk’s. Idiots and their children will be drawn to this film because they get the chance to see bright explosions and loud noises. There was a kid sitting behind me who, after seeing

the trailer for Battleship, remarked quite plainly, “Dat. Looks. Good.” I proceeded to smack him and his mother for raising a child who would be even allowed to think something like that. Also, any of the girls that you’re lucky enough to see in there are just interested in staring at Captain America’s juicy muscles, not your comic book-reading ass. All in all, The Avengers is grand and does an excellent job setting itself up well for a sequel, which promises to be good assuming they land director Joss Whedon again. This movie had every chance to shoot itself in the foot and just be a giant turd, considering half of the film’s featured superheroes had pretty lackluster feature movies. Joss Whedon managed to strike the perfect balance of comedy, action, and even a bit of drama to keep audiences genuinely interested for the whole two and a half hour run time. If you ever read comic books as a kid, it is your life’s duty to go see this film and jerk off to it in the back of the theater. For everyone else, take a break from finals and shut your brain off to see the Hulk murderpunch bad guys.

Marvel-ous Superheros

may 11th

Starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter What You Need to Know: An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp), is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection despite being totally effing confused about suddenly living with a weirdo vampire. What We Think: To be honest, we couldn't really focus on the trailer because Johnny Depp is such a weirdo. But him and Tim Burton never let us down, right? Oh yeah, Alice and Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... well, here's to remaining optimistic!

The Dictator

may 16th

Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen, Anna Faris What You Need to Know: Sacha Baron Cohen is back again with a slice of satire about a foreign dictator and a goat herder (both played by Cohen) as they make their way to the good ole USA. What We Think: Okay, so we all know Bruno sucked... but we kind of liked Borat! So we're hoping that this film, with more of an obvious fictional plot and less of a "is-this-fake?" documentary feel, won't be a flop, and Cohen's outrageous humor will work a little better. However, we're definitely not holding our breath.

answers are a few from here

May 15th

What to Expect When You're Expecting may 18th

One for the Money The Grey Chronicle Albert Nobbs

May 22nd Red Tails The Woman in Black This Means War Perfect Sense

Dark Shadows

Captain America first appeared in print in what year?

Which superhero was used in the early-70s to promote drug use as dangerous and unglamorous?

What series did Jack Kirby create upon his arrival back to Marvel after his 5-year stint at DC Comics?

When The Hulk first appeared, what color was he?

Starring: Cameron Diaz, tons of other famous people What You Need to Know: Based on the book of the same name, five couples in Atlanta share the extremeshittiness - but supposed joy - of having kids. What We Think: Though the premise is entirely cheesy, the movie itself looks pretty entertaining and honest. None of us have had babies (that we know of), but this movie makes it seem not so bad, because going through shitty things in life is funny! Wait, what? Actually, it all looks very uncomfortable and confusing, but the movie looks alright. Let's all watch this and take it as one big PSA, alright? Wrap it before you tap it.

summer

blockbusted How movies that look so right

could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.

The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (ten years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?

Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by God it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this… this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars universe, and Ridley It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “It’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the coldblooded Mark Zuckerberg. So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us megafrownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in

Scott is decidedly different from stuff-my-pants-so-fullwith-money-my-gunt-getspaper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, callbacks and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.

Gordon becomes a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.

The Campaign

Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:

movies that look crappy

but might just turn out okay Men in black 3

After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John

Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man… because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. to keep the film set in some sort of reality, the movie (Each character awkwardly quickly spirals to a dark place stares at the other for thirty rife with one-liner one-upmanseconds.) ship until the audience’s heads simultaneously explode. And It doesn’t work. Instead of having that’s bad for repeat viewings. a comparatively sane character

In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”

that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.

magic mike

This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”

The Amazing Spiderman Brave

this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.

Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not

cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.

rock of ages

Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.

ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.

SEPTEMBER

october

november

december

january

December 17th: Women’s Volleyball National RunnersUp- Or, as their bitchy moms put it, they’re just the first losers.

October 20th: “Occupy” Rally Held at University of Illinois God, being white and middle-class is just so darn unfair!

february

march

March 22nd: President Hogan Resigns Amid Scandal - Wait, what sport did this guy coach?

December 31st: Illinois Football Defeats UCLA in Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl - And the crowd goes mild!

January 10th: Brandon Paul Drops 43 in Upset of #5 Ohio State Hey everyone, one guy did one good thing one time!

February 17th: Daily Illini Announces It’s Broke - Students choose not to fi— HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. Uh. Student’s choo—HAHAHAHAHA! Ok, we’re done he—HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Schadenfreude, we love you.

October 16th: iPad Robbery Videotaped at Espresso Royale - That’s what he gets for listening to “Damn it Feels Good to Be a Gangsta” without headphones.

November 27th: Zook Fired After Illini Lose 6 Straight - Little known fact: When Athletic Director Mike Thomas took Zook behind the shed to shoot him, it became the basis for The Old Yeller.

September 28th: Law School Admissions Scandal - The fraudulent data provided dropped the Illinois Law School twelve spots in the Shit No One Cares About rankings.

Western freakin’ Michigan.

October 8th: Illinois Football Team 6-0, Ranked 16th in Nation - Rose-colored glasses prevented fans from discounting close home wins against Northwestern and

april

may

April 5th: Parks and Recreation star and Illinois Alum Nick Offerman Visits - He went to Merry Anne’s for all of the bacon and eggs they had.

March 9th: Weber Fired After Illinois Fails to Make NCAA Tournament - In their Big Ten Tournament loss to Iowa, Illinois didn’t miss a free throw. (Because they didn’t shoot any.)

April 25th: Poop Girl Enters Illinois Lore - Proving once and for all, it was a pretty shitty year to be an Illini.

IIllinois Awesomeness Index

The 2011-2012

Parkland-esque Missed the 22 Union nappin’ 4.0h-yeah! Significantly Chiefed

Movie Trivia Answers: 1)1941 2) Spider-Man 3) The Eternals4) Grey

live close. live college.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

walk to class

great location to campus + individual leases + fully furnished

We Didn’t Stop the Drinking kitty kat wrote this Sung to the tune of “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel. I’m serious, do it. It’s awesome. School year at the end, Summer right around the bend. So much has happened, Some we’re too ashamed to say. Pink party, Cudi came. Law school tried to save their name. Coffee shop iPad thief, Who quickly got away. Drake at Assembly Hall. Dads visit in the fall. Urbana party gone wrong: Thank God for Trulon. Free drinks during rush week. Common stopped by to speak. Football looked promising, Then couldn’t stop losing. We didn’t stop the drinking. They started six and oh, then just started to blow. We didn’t stop the drinking. Just go open a beer, say, “There’s always next year.” Kony ’12 didn’t do shit; We got high and smoked a bit. Social movements on 4/20 Just won’t work at all.

I am not his biggest fan. Adrian Grenier’s curly hair Attracted girls everywhere. Gave Wingin’ Out a trial, Now they’re on my speed dial. We didn’t stop the drinking. It should’ve been Antonio’s, it’s been closed since God knows. We didn’t stop the drinking. Hendrick House was our bad, the drunk kids ran like mad. Brandon Paul showed OSU Everything that he could do. Leonard to the NBA. President picks not to stay. Mercilus to Houston. Watching D.J. Richardson Hitting on my roomie. Ron Swanson, Rob Delaney. MILFs here for the weekend; Mom’s sleeping with your boyfriend. Finals are almost done. Where’s Adderall when you need some?

Plus that guy loves masturbation. We had fall class registration. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get one in Lincoln Hall.

We didn’t stop the drinking. We just threw paint at Dayglow, loved bikinis at Joe’s. We didn’t stop the drinking. Put on boots for Aldean, chased our Blue Guys with Jim Beam.

Poop Girl dropped a bomb outside But somehow retained her pride. Red Lion’s alright If you want a crazy night.

Too many shots to count Put a dent in my bank account. Canopy Club for Timeflies And each wine night at Cly’s.

MCB cheating ring. The Alma Mater’s leaving?! Goodbye Zook, see ya Weber! What the fuck’s up with this weather?

To the seniors leaving: None of us are grieving. Have fun going corporate While we still don’t give a shit.

We didn’t stop the drinking. Because that was last spring, everything’s reopening. We didn’t stop the drinking. Let’s get some gyros. I miss Pitaya’s cute clothes.

Another year over with. “Hurry, help me chug this fifth! Mom and dad are coming soon To help me pack up my room!”

Unofficial crackdown On visitors from out of town. Green kegs everywhere. Gotta love that Irish flair. The DI’s stuck in debt, And they haven’t fixed it yet. Want to charge us all three bucks. Not our fault that you suck. Ron Paul gave a speech. Priests out on the Quad preached. “Help stop violence” creepy man;

all-inclusive living + private bedrooms + fitness center

Heading home for the summer. Leaving Champaign’s such a bummer. August we’ll be back in town, More getting drunk and getting down. We didn’t stop the drinking. Goodbye Haus and White Horse, and Fat Sandwich of course. We didn’t stop the drinking. Goodbye Murphys and Green Street, this year has been sweet. But when we are gone We’ll still drink on, and on, and on, and on…

apply online today @ tower3rd.com 217.367.0720 • 302 E. John StrEEt, SuitE 100 Rates, fees, deadlines and utilities included are subject to change

class tim e

m.a.s.h

tally

box

what does your Summer Hold?

Summer Vacation - Grandma's condo in Iowa - Cedar Point for 3 weeks - Friend's pool in Rockford, IL - One Direction concert

First Fling: - Step-parent next door - Summer school T.A. - 1st chair trombone from high school - Local Hollister employee

SUMMER Highlight: - Underwater BJ - Mushrooms and fireworks - Watching every episode of Fraiser - Not getting caught, ever

In The Fall: - Flee town in a mustache - Cozy up in parent's basement - Start 5th unpaid internship - Transfer to CC in Montana

First Hook-Up Location: - Underwater - Coffee shop bathroom - Public beach after-hours - While salmon fishing

SUMMER Lowlight: - Those two-weeks sober - Never winning Mario Kart or Mario Party on N64 - Tattoo of Pauly D's face - Getting emotional at a Skrillex concert

Final Words: - I'm geeked up off them Xany bars. - Get silly with my nine-milly. - Beef is just a style of cow. - But I twist that la la la la.

class tim e

Summer Job: - 9 to 5 in air-conditioning - Retirement-home lifeguard - Porno-film assistant - Vodka/lemonade stand