Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/07/11 - 9/28/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
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How To Navigate The Quad at ISU Will Holloman wrote this So, we’ve been on campus for several weeks and I’m sure that at one point or another, we’ve all experienced some frustration when, walking through the quad, a biker plows into a bench, causing your five friends and you to get minor concussions. Or, something less severe, like people walking slow. Whichever you’ve experienced, I’ve got some quick tips for you and your friends to avoid feeling concussed ever again! When walking with a group of three or more friends, try not to walk in a three-wide line. Remember, your main goal is to get to class, not stop a tank in Tiananmen Square, so there’s no reason for you guys to be walking next to each other and holding each other’s hands. Try and stick to walking next to only one other person. Pick the friend out of the group that you are either dressed the most like or have the most in common. This way, you’ll be walking in pairs, and if there’s a lone girl in the back, she can call her mom or cousin and play catch up or something; its not your fault that she chose to not follow the best friend dress code. If you’re walking with the friend that you have the most in common with, conversation will come easily and naturally and before you know it, you’ll be at Stevenson. If you can’t walk with them, at least you’re walking with the friend that is also wearing yoga pants and a lime green headband. Silence and matching clothes are definite signs of unity and a strong bond within a friendship, and you two are definitely showing the quad what
Other stuff
Inside
05: A Guide to Longboarding at ISU Find Normal’s one hill, try to longboard down it really fast.
you’re made of. Once you’ve got the whole “not walking in a three-wide line” thing down, the next step is to be aware of your surroundings. First things first, there’s going to be longboarders and skateboarders and people riding bikes that quite frankly don’t give a shit about your well being and are only concerned about getting back pains from leaning over to reach the handle bars on their ratty, old hipster bike…oh and ummm, getting to class. So, if need be, break away from your conversation for a quick second to step to the side and avoid getting concussed like we talked about earlier. Once the rider has passed, feel free to continue engaging in your conversation with your friend. Another thing to note is those around you that may make eye contact with you. Whether or not you actually know them, a simple wave is where to start. If you remember them but can’t remember their actual name, you can add a “hi!” to the wave to show that you remember them. If it’s someone that you know and can remember their name, drop their name in that greeting. Then, if its an actual good friend, say “hi” and make sure to stop slowly and pull off to the side of the sidewalk in order to not cause any rear endings or previously mentioned concussions before engaging in a long talk. It’s always important to think of your travels on the quad as a free for all match in Black Ops, because it’s a jungle out there in Central Illinois, folks.
17: we Interview: Kids These daYS What are kids these days up to? Starting bands called Kids These Days.
21: The Best Secret Dorm Pets
Really, any pet at all will do.
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Table of
contents
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Page 9
What hip jams are blasting the cool waves in dorm rooms across ISU?
How to seduce that certain someone into conSENSUAL sex.
Dorm Music:
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Page 11
Get a Job, Hippie Student
The Hook-Up Playlist:
Page 14
Bartender of the Month: We take a laughable look at the Tiffany has all the dudes at Chaser’s running after her. jobs ISU offers its students.
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Pages 12 & 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!
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Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
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If I Ever Had Friends Over...
New Show Schizo: Good thing that’s never going to What you "should" be watching on TV this fall. happen. Top 10: Reasons for Dropping a Class at ISU
Seek-n-Find! Find the hidden items and yourself some pizza!
ARE YOU READY FOR OPEN LEASING SEASON? WHAT IS OPEN LEASING? Open leasing is when non-Young America residents can lease one of our great apartments or houses!
MEMORIZE THIS SCHEDULE!
G N I V I L T N E D STU DONE RIGHT!
SEPT. 5TH - 30TH: Current YAR Residents can renew their leases. OCT. 1ST - 4TH: Current YAR Residents can lease any available property. STARTING OCT. 5TH AT 9AM: All available YAR properties are available to anyone!
311 S. Main, Normal, IL | (309) 454.2338 | yarealty.com
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Craven Hiss
Ninja Hue Ghoul
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Definition: Any bro’s constant need to exaggerate the workout they just completed. Sentence: “When Ethan told Karen he dead lifted 25 reps at 700 pounds, it was a clear case of inreptitude."
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now that's what i call dorm music! ISAAC wrote this I'll admit it: I was wandering through the dorms the first weekend because I have no friends and I was really bored. Basically, the kids in their rooms were all listening to music, and there seemed to be a distinct pattern of what songs were on repeat every five minutes. Here’s an outline of some songs I heard while passing through the halls. Shots—LMFAO ft. Lil’ John I heard this song in about 250 dorm rooms this weekend, and in all 250, there were several drunkards roaming about (I know a dorm room is small, but these drunkards could climb). It’s as if the song instructs them to do some sort of illegal activity that is only accessible when listening to the song. Very strange, but it seems to work for most people. Great pre-gaming (or mid-afternoon snack) song. You’re a Jerk—New Boys “You’re a Jerk…you’re a jerk…you’re a jerk…” you now know all the words to this soon-to-be Grammy award winning song by the New Boys. This song seems to be mostly popular in Southside’s Atkin-Colby residence halls. For some odd reason, I cannot figure out whether they are calling each other jerks or if they think people in Watterson can hear them. Despite the confusion, it seems that the lyrics truly speak to them, and the generic beat makes them feel at a familiar place; hungover. Mean—Taylor Swift This song has inspired hundreds of girls across America to judge their boyfriends not for their personality or their character, but for how Taylor Swift feels about them. A friendly tip to guys who have girlfriends: never buy your girlfriend a Taylor Swift CD because it will put awful ideas in their heads about how shitty you treat them, and why they’d be better off with a guitar-playing, mega-hunk. There were about 50 dorm rooms (yes, I counted) playing this song, and 48 of them were all female. The other two were all female and one male, of which said male was subjected to crying and mindless rants about the girls’ boyfriends. Then they all got drunk and shit got real (violent).
Party Rock Anthem—LMFAO The only repeat group on this list is LMFAO, and it’s for a good reason. This uncle and nephew team of perverted dubsteppers actually make pretty damn good, bumpin’ tunes. They get you in the mood for drooling all over girls at some frat party, all the while maintaining a perfect douche-smirk with your flat-billed hat on backwards. Can you remember when the last time an unclenephew duo made you feel that incredible? I didn’t think so; true gangsters right there. Basshead—Bassnectar I’m kinda sad I didn’t hear this in more dorm rooms this weekend, it’s a freakin’ great song. It starts with this subtle bass beat, and then it kicks your fuckin’ ass with a bass drop. What are you saying? It sounds like every other Dubstep song ever made? Dude GTFO Bassnectar’s coming to The Cell in October, I love him! Who do you like? Skrillex? Pff, you suck. I mean listen to that bassss drooppppppppp. Oh yeahhhhhh. Makes my body feel great. Bass. Holding on to Black Metal—My Morning Jacket Okay so I really only heard this song in one dorm room— mine. But that’s cause it’s a great song. I don’t really pregame to it (nor do I really have an anthem for my pregaming), but I was listening to it before I went out, so yeah! It still counts. Anyways, MMJ is like the ultimate band. Don’t believe me? Well screw you, man. Entire Discography of Blink 182 Awwwww chyeah, remember this song dude? It was out when I was in middle school! Oh yeah! Dude I LOVE THIS SONG! It’s my life. The lyrics describe life to a T. I just…I would love to be in Blink. They put on such a great show! It’s just that they play a three minute song, and then another three minute song! And ughhhh, its so good! No matter what song you listen to while in your room on your first weekend, we can all agree that listening to The Carpenters and crying to yourself is probably not what you should be doing in college. So get out those subwoofers and blast that shit, man. You’re in college. Your music taste sucks, and everyone knows it. Rock the beat!
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A Guide To Longboarding At ISU
Will Holloman wrote this
So here we are. After a long(boarding) fight for equality, we’ve finally lost the battle. It’s been several years of attempted explanations and physical demonstrations but, it’s about time that I give in. My friends, longboaders have taken over ISU’s campus and are shredding up the quad and tearing up every inch of our sidewalk. So instead of trying to fight the battle, I’ve compiled a short list of places where its super wicked sick gnarly to longboard on our bucolic Central Illinois campus. The Bridge: So I grabbed a couple physics buddies of mine and went over to the bridge leading to the library to check out the gnarly sick incline. After some science and math stuff, I was able to figure out that depending on the direction you are heading, there is a 7 degree incline you must longboard up until you get to flat land. Once you’re up that steep hill, you have a fantastic ride of about five feet down on another 7 degree angle that serves as a smooth ride. Dude, wicked sick man. Seven degree incline. Talk about some speed, bro. The College of Business: This place isn’t about the speed you get from a sick gnarly incline, but instead it’s about the adrenaline rush you get from the other thrill of skating: Breaking the law! Yeah that’s right, the walkway through the college of business that leads from the parking garage to the quad is one hella tight place to longboard. This place provides you with the wicked sick gnarly feeling of
rebellion, and not only that, but you get 75 FEET of rebellion when you longboard through the college of business walkway. Please note, however, that you may have to get off your board and walk if the traffic is really bad. But even then, you can still carry your longboard on sidewalks and inconvenience a few people. The Treadmills: This may be tricky to do, but if you’re able to sneak your longboard into the gym and tell the front desk guy that you’re “just gonna put it in the locker because you used it to get to class” then you’ll be set. Once you have your longboard into the fitness center, all you gotta do is go find one of the treadmills that you can change the incline. In order for this to work, you gotta find out exactly what time treadmill users go to the fitness center and choose to go when they’re not using them. Once you find an empty treadmill, all you gotta do is crank that shit up to 15 for the incline and turn the speed however fast you prefer, and hop on (and then off and on several times in a row) for a super slick gnarly-tastic ride. Well, there you have it longboarders of Central Illinois. I told you at the beginning of this article that I compiled a list of sick places for you to longboard in Central Illinois, and well, we live in the plain states and that means we have flat land all around us. So, that’s the only three places to longboard. Have fun, kids!
s g n i W e v o L ? y e n o m d n a Wing Eating Contest!
Friday, September 9th at 6pm Eat 10 HOT WINGS as fast as you possibly can! Qualify to enter the final round to eat 20 MILD WINGS.
The fastest wins a CASH PRIZE and TROPHY! More of a drink person? $1 Apple Pie Shots | $2 3 Olives Drinks $2 Bud Select Pints | $3 Vegas Bombs 512 N Main Street | Bloomington, Illinois
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The hookup Playlist Mitch Vaginapun wrote this You know those times when you’re trying to get with a girl, but the awkward silence beforehand kills the moment? If you don’t, it’s okay, because I have enough experience to share with you, all your friends, and all your friends’ friends. At least I did, until I made this sweet playlist. This thing has gotten me laid every time I’ve used it. Okay, maybe I haven’t used it yet. But it’ll work, alright bro? First up, “Little Secrets” by Passion Pit. Going with some weird ambient indie bullshit is foolproof— either she thinks you’re really cool and deep, or you can make fun of it with her. Pull the old, “Yeah, my roommate told me to give them a try, but they kinda suck. I only listen to it because I don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings. I’m like an older brother to him, ya know?” Yeah, you already want to get down and dirty and haven’t even heard the rest of it yet. Next up, “Rolling In The Deep” by Adele. Hearing a girl singing will comfort her and diffuse any leftover tension in the room. You’ll have her in the palm of your hand, time to make your move. Go for the kiss right before the first chorus. It’ll be the perfect movie-moment bullshit that girls love. Alright, now shit’s getting real. Let her know that things are getting real. Next track is “Satisfy You” by Puff Daddy featuring R. Kelly. The angelic voice of R. Kelly is going to let her know that you care, but the lyrics about how you’re going to take her to plow town are letting her know that you’re going to take her to plow town. Smooth R&B is the perfect transition into some serious action. Use the upfront lyrics as a transition to acting them out. As the song fades out, shit should be going down. I mean really going down. Like, she’s, ya know. Alright, as long as we’re on the same page. Now things are really serious. You’ve achieved your ultimate goal, but now it’s the performance that really matters. Time to spin some seriously deaf beats, “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)” by Enrique Iglesias. In case she doesn’t know, that is what’s cur-
rently happening. This is a great song if you’re hooking up with a slow girl, but the beat is captivating enough for everyone to enjoy. Alright, so now things have been going for a while, and there’s really nowhere to go from here. Except for a place I like to call, “Best Story Ever Town.” Benny Hill Theme by Boots Randolph. Right in the middle of everything. Try your best not to laugh, as this song makes EVERYTHING hilarious. And I mean everything. If you keep a straight face, you can pull off what will go down as the undisputed best sex prank ever. You will be a living legend, my son. To finish things off, “Face Down, Ass Up” by 2 Live Crew. Revel in your glory, champion. Even if she already stormed out in a rage, anyone seeing her walk of shame out of your song while this song is blasting will think you’re a badass even before you tell them of your Nobel Prize worthy achievement. Now go make me proud.
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get a job, hippie student someone broke wrote this So what do you say right when you get to school? For some, it’s, “Dude! Let’s get so wasted we can’t feel our dicks, and then fuck the shit out of some bitch we just met.” But for others it’s, “I need a job.” So let me outline the jobs you might find on ISU’s campus this fall, just to give you a heads-up as to what you’re in for. Teachers’ Assistant So yeah, you can be a TA (no, it doesn’t stand for what you think it stands for) if you want, but you have to be a junior in the major (unless it’s English, anybody can do that). Then what you basically do is assist the professor in handing out assignments, look smug during the whole class, and listen to lectures 3-4 times per day. It might be boring, but you get so many chicks—they need help with homework, and you know you want to help them. They come to you, man! It’s perfect. Of course… outside of the classroom you could never talk to a girl that hot, but then again, that’s why you’re a TA. Residence Assistant Okay, yeah you can be an RA too. This basically means that you get your own dorm room, and I wanna say that they pay for it too? I’m not too sure. Actually, yeah, they do pay for it. But yeah you get tons of chicks being an RA, too. The only problem is that you can’t get any of them drunk, because you’ll get kicked out of your sweet dorm. So you actually have to talk to them n’ shit. I guess it sucks, but the benefits are pretty cool. You can yell at kids smoking pot, and decorate the
whole hall with brown paper…if you’re into that shit. Dining Center You can do a number of things and it’s a minimum wage job, but it’s money, nonetheless. The most satisfying place to work in any dining center is the dish room. It’s where all the dumbass kids throw their shit after they’re done eating. You basically just scrape all the shit off everything and put it in a big dishwasher. It’s more fun than anything else at the dining center, like putting cookies out, or swiping cards, plus you can screw around there too. Creeps like to work in the dish room, and some of them eat food off of the plates, so be careful… but enjoy the free food! Some lousy newspaper Okay so most of these jobs don’t pay, but you can write for a lousy newspaper while at ISU! Finding this ironic? I’m not. Newspapers give you the satisfaction of writing while really not getting noticed for anything. When’s the last time you ever heard of a famous newspaper columnist? Oh yeah, Watergate. It’s not glamorous, but it’ll give you something to do during the year. So yeah, having a job isn’t that important at school, but it couldn’t hurt, right? When you’re at work on a Friday night and all your friends wanna hang out, just remember, next week you’ll be getting a $150 check that you can spend on…oh wait, you’re working so you can’t go. Never mind.
The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAY: $2 Imports and Micros $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2 20oz Bud Family Drafts
Live Music Every Friday & Saturday!
FRIDAY: $3 16oz Vodka/Energy & Wells $3 ANY Bomb $3 Miller/Coors Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10
Everyday: $7 32oz. Well Drinks!
Throwback Thursday $1 U-Call-Its No Cover
Every Thursday is $1 Drink/Shot Night!
$0.75 Well Drinks $2 Any Bomb $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Long Island Iced Teas DJ Vamp at 10pm
$2 Well Shots with a Beer Back (shot and a beer for $2!)
$3 Stoli Mixers $3 Absolut Mixers $3 Blue Island Shots
Live Music Friday!: 9/9 Wedding Banned 9/16 Rock U 9/23 Brushfire $6 32oz Well Drinks (incl. Energy Drinks) $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys
$3 16oz Vodka/Energy & Wells $3 ANY Bomb $3 Miller/Coors Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10
$3 Domestic Pitchers $3 Bombs $7 32oz Well Drinks
Live Music Saturday: 9/10 Your Villain My Hero 9/17 Blu-Print 9/23 Mike and Joe $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys $4 Pitchers Miller/Coors
$3 16oz Wells $3 ANY Bombs $3 Bud Family Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10
$3 Domestic Pitchers $3 Bombs $7 32oz Well Drinks
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze FREE Jukebox & Bags
Great Football Specials!
Thursday $1 Drinks $1 Beer $1 Shots
NO COVER
THURS
$1 Wells & UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles $2.50 20oz. 312 & Honkers Drafts
FRI
$1.50 20oz Bud Family Drafts $3 Pitchers $2.50 Vegas Bombs
SAT
$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs
$3 Grey Goose Red Bulls $3 Jack & Coke $3 Gummy Bears
SUN
$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Bloody Marys $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs
Check out Throwback Thursdays! No cover!
MON
$1.75 20oz. Bud Family Drafts $1.50 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Beam, SoCo, and Seagram 7 Drinks
No Cover for Throwback Thursday w/ Student ID $1 Drinks
Check out our website for updated events and specials! daddiosbloomington.com
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze
$4 Pitchers $2 Bombs
TUES
$2 Imports and Micros $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2 20oz Bud Family Drafts
Throwback Thursdays $1 U-Call-Its
Every Friday: $6 32oz Well Drinks including Energy Drinks $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Live Music with Kyle Yap at 10pm
$2 Bud Family Bottles Bud, Bud Light, Bud Select
$1 Domestic Longnecks $3 Vegas Bombs
Throwback Thursday w/ DJs D1RTY NO1ZE $1 Drinks $1 Beers $1 Shots
Every Saturday: $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys $4 Pitchers Miller/Coors
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze DJ/Karaoke at 10pm
$2.75 25oz Domestic Drafts
WED
For private parties contact Gary@ daddiosbloomington.com
Wing Eating Contest!
Friday, September 9th at 6pm Eat 10 HOT WINGS as fast as you possibly can. Qualify to enter the final round to eat 20 MILD WINGS. 512 N Main Street Bloomington, Illinois
The fastest wins a CASH PRIZE and TROPHY! The Bar Grid
Lunker's FRIDAY: Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover!
SATURDAY: $4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm
THURSDAY: $6 Red Bull Vodka Mason Jars $2 Miller Family Bottles
MONDAY: $3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs
TUESDAY: $5 - 8 Wings and a Soda
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2.50 Leinenkugel Pints $2 PBR Bottles Open Mic @ 10pm
$6 Red Bull Vodka Mason Jars $2 Miller Family Bottles
$2.25 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime
Buy an 18” pizza get a free appetizer up to $5 value
THURS
Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover!
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts
$6 Long Islands Mason Jar
$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials
Buy one pizza get one at equal or lesser value half off delivery only
FRI
$3 Pints of Spiced Rum Drinks $3 Corona and Corona Lt. Bottles No Cover!
$4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm
$6 Vodka Lemonade Mason Jars $6 Rum & Coke Mason Jars $2.75 Corona & Pacifico
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$11 - 16” 1 topping delivery only
SAT
Closed
Closed
Closed
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
Buy 14” or larger pizza get a free 2 liter
SUN
Closed
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
$9 Domestic Buckets
$3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs
$5 - Slice and a Pop
MON
$3 32oz Drafts of Bud Lt./Miller Lt. $3 16oz Wells $2 Vegas Bombs No Cover!
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$5 - 8 Wings and a Soda
TUES
$2 You Call Its No Cover!
$2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm
$5 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
$5 - Redbird Bread + Fries
WED
$4 40oz. Bottles of Bud Lt. and Miller Lt. No Cover!
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Bartenders of the
Week
idge R y n a f Tif chasers
Major: Marketing What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? Taylor Swift What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job? “Is your daddy a farmer? Because I really like your melons.” What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? Beast, from Beauty and the Beast What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? I work at Chasers…. every night is hysterical If you could create a holiday, what would it be? Another Thanksgiving so it’s acceptable to eat, sleep and watch football all day. What dead person would you most
drinking game:
Getting Toasted Nothing like cheering to everyone’s favorite sport: drinking. Here here, delicious puke juice, you’ve been with us through good times and bad! Number of Players: At least four. What You Need: Buds and suds, man. Intoxication Level: You’ll be French kissing some French toast. How to Play: - Participants sit at a table. - A randomly assigned toastmaster begins the game by standing, raising their glass in the air and saying, “A toast, a toast to ___(one word)___!” The Toastmaster must quickly sit down. - The player to the left of the toastmaster must then stand, hold his glass in the air and say “A toast, a toast to ___(Toastmaster’s word)___ ___(New word)___!” The new word must begin with the last letter of the Toastmaster’s word. That player must quickly sit down. - For example, if the Toastmaster’s word was “apple,” the 2nd player’s word would have to begin with an “e.” A sample would be, “A toast, a toast to apple elephant!” -This continues—with each player standing up, raising their glass and adding a new word that starts with the last letter of the previous word—until one player makes a mistake. - If a player does not stand up or raise their glass, this counts as a mistake. - The player that makes a mistake must drink one drink for each word in the toast. - The player that makes a mistake becomes the new Toastmaster. The Game Ends When: Someone toasts to toast.
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want to bring back to life? Frank Sinatra, so he can serenade me. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? The ability to turn water into wine. Boxers, briefs or freeballing?/ Granny panties/thong/commando? Wouldn’t you like to know… Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with? Trent Edwards (former Oakland Raiders QB for those of you who don’t know) What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you? Here’s a better question, what’s one thing I WOULD want my mom to know about me? How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight? At least 2.
recipe for disaster:
Chili-Cheese Frito Wraps
When the going gets tough the going gets hungry, but no one wants to go anywhere. Luckily this recipe can be made with some blurry vision walking into a convenience store and around $10. What You’ll Need: Chili, queso, Chili-Cheese Fritos, hot sauce, flour tortillas. Cook Time: No more than 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The “recession weight” really starts to sneak up on you! Let’s Get Baked: - Put the chili in a pan on the stove-top, and cook until warm (about 5 minutes). - While that’s cooking, put some queso in a bowl and stick that in the microwave to warm up, about 3 minutes. - Once those are both warm, stick the tortilla in the microwave just to warm it a bit. - Once warmed, put a couple spoonfuls of chili and queso in the tortilla. - Lightly crush up a palm-full of Chili-Cheese Fritos and put those on top. - Garnish with hot sauce. - Roll up like a burrito and starting nomming. If you’re feeling fanciful, add any of these variations; jalapenos, Tabasco sauce, banana peppers, black olives, onions, sour cream, or tequila. You know, anything to make your butthole hate you more in the morning.
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If I ever had friends over, I bet this is how it would go Kevin Setze wrote this Hey! Good to see you—yeah, come on in! Have a sea... wait, hang on, I gotta grab a folding chair from the closet. There! Have a seat! So how've you been, man! It's been...wait, can you scoot over? That's my only...that's my only seat. Just a bit...there, awesome. Can you balance? Just put...just put your foot to the side. Good? Great! Actually, I'm gonna get up and grab a drink. Want anything? I have beer, and water, and Keystone Light if you can't pick between the two! Hah! Cause it's really watery tas—yeaaaah man, you know what I mean! Dude, I love it here. I can, and DO, drink ALL THE TIME. Like, this morning, I had a shower beer and then went STRAIGHT to class!!! Can you say BUZZED? I didn't even know what was going on, HAHAHA!! Hey, check out my room! Look at that full-sized bed! FOR THE LAAAADIES! Right, man? Know what I'm getting at? I left a dresser drawer empty so I can start a collection of brassieres. You know, when you have sex on a girl and you keep her brassiere? Oh, her panties? Okay, didn't know that was what you were supposed to get. I'll make sure to ask them for those from now on. Hey man, we should invite Tyler over. He's this black dude who lives on the floor above me. I just met him the other day. I was bringing in some groceries and he was talking to some friends outside, and he had this cool shirt on, so I was like “Hey dog, I like your swagger!” I really want to try to make friends with one of the, you know...one of the black guys. I'm hoping they'll let me into their club, I already bought a bandana to wear, and I bedazzled “KILLAH” into it. It's pretty neat, huh?
I see you're checking out my guitars. Hard to miss, since I own FOUR of them. I st—Dude, you gotta wash your hands before touching those, okay? Those are Squiers. Okay? Music is my life, dude, and your finger oils are gonna rust the wood or something and make it all warped. But yeah, I'm PREEEETTY good at playing bass. Can I have the chair to myself for a second? Thanks. Check out this sweet groove...Yeah, dude! I wrote this myself. I call it “Slap-a-palooza!” It's a twenty-minute jam sesh, and it's 100% slaps, bro. Go slap or go home, that's what the greats always say. You know, like Les Claypool, Flea...there's probably other bass players too, and they'd TOTALLY have my back on this. So...what do you wanna do? Nah, man, TV isn't really an option. The “basic cable” my lease came with only includes ten channels, two of which are CSPAN. Hey, maybe we can watch a movie I have saved on my hard drive. Let m—DON'T FUCKING TOUCH TH—sorry, just don't touch my computer, dude, I'll find the movies myself. I just don't like other people using it, okay? Because I have... uhhh important...bank...bank account.... codes. Financial stuff, man. And I totally trust you, but I feel safer if only I can access it. And plus, I have like eighty-five gigs of porn. Oh, you gotta run? That's cool; I'll see you later. You want a beer for the road? ...I don't know, actually, I just hear people say that. Now that you mention it, that sounds pretty terrible and illegal. Well...I'll see you later, braaaaah! Catch you on the flippity flip!
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New Show Schizo:
Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall
Fall TV season is right around the corner, which means a horde of new shows to further amplify America’s obesity issues. We look at 6 new shows and their potential fates. Will they be one-and-done like your mom was last night or will they stick around forever, pleasing our every whim, like your sister? Only time will tell! By: Atish & Brendan
Title: Apartment 23 Starring: Dreama Walker, Krysten Ritter James Van Der Beek Date/Time/Channel: Midseason on ABC Why You Should Watch It: From his cameos in How I Met Your Mother, Franklin and Bash, and even a Ke$ha video, James Van Der Beek doesn’t disappoint. The plot of the show is completely irrelevant (although admittedly awful) since you’ll be focused on Dawson Leary from episode one. Why You Shouldn’t: This show is shaping up to land into the fat middle of television—a show that’s not bad enough to turn off, but not good enough to DVR. Just be wary of falling into Van Der Beek’s head’s gravitation pull, you’ll never escape.
Title: Person of Interest Starring: Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 9EST/8CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: With J.J. Abrams executive producing and one of the Lost actors in the show, it’s going to be both awesome and compelling. If he could turn Felicity and Alias into mustsees, then this one should be just fine. Why You Shouldn’t: The hater in us can begrudgingly admit Person of Interest looks, well, interesting. Still, the overarching plot-- a billionaire who recruits a presumed-dead CIA agent to catch violent criminals in New York City—is too far-fetched and not properly defined for our taste.
Title: Terra Nova Starring: Jason O’Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelly Conn Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 8EST/7CST, Fox Why You Should Watch It: It’s like Jurassic Park meets Lost (those episodes centered around the first settlers) mixed with Stargate and some show that has people having sex a lot because they are scared. Winner. Why You Shouldn’t: Terra Nova, with its dystopian future and dinosaurs from millions of years ago is shaping up to be like nacho cheese and lime Jell-o, two awesome individual things that, when mixed together, produce less-than-optimum results.
Title: Playboy Club Starring: Amber Heard, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Eddie Cibrian Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 10EST/9CST, NBC Why You Should Watch It: Any show they are boycotting in Salt Lake City and pretty much the entire state of Utah is worth watching. Sure they won’t show you any boobs since it’s on NBC, but after it gets cancelled and picked up as a Direct-TV only show with full nudity, you’re going to wish you were watching from the start. Why You Shouldn’t: This period drama is a pretty obvious Mad Men knockoff, attempting to capture the cool of 1960s casual misogyny. Except it’s on network TV, so all the sexy bits will be toned down. And if Amber Heard isn’t naked, then what’s the point?
Title: How to Be a Gentleman Starring: David Hornsby, Kevin Dillon Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 8:30EST/7:30CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: Sure the show is going to suck, but we know it will make one hell of a drinking game. Anytime Kevin Dillion tries to be serious, take a shot. Anytime your little brother can reenact a scene as Kevin Dillon perfectly, take a shot. You get the idea. Why You Shouldn’t: People, when are we going to stop pretending that Kevin Dillon is great at acting like a mongoloid and just accept the fact that he lucked into the one career when he can succeed despite being an actual mongoloid?
Title: Last Man Standing Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis Date/Time/Channel: Tuesday, 8EST/&CST, ABC Why You Should Watch It: This has to be Tim Allen’s ultimate comeback. I mean, it can’t be any worse than the Santa Clause movies, Joe Somebody, Christmas with the Kranks, The Shaggy Dog, or Wild Hogs…right? Why You Shouldn’t: Last Man Standing is a network sitcom about a guy (Allen) asserting his manhood in a world dominated by women. So basically it’s one doofus dude that wants to do guy things, but his levelheaded wife and sassy teenage daughters won’t let him. Unless this is some sort of meta-satire of the whole sitcom genre (Note: It is not) then how exactly is this different from According to Jim?
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Kids These Days
the interview
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Kids These Days are a bunch of rapscallions from the fine city of Chicago that just so happen to be in a band. Their eclectic style, a mix of soul, hip-hop, jam and funk, made us want to talk to them. Macie, the lady lead, obliged. The Black Sheep: So I know the band is all relatively young, but how old are you? Macie Stewart: I’m 18. TBS: And how old is the oldest person in the band? Macie: I think 19? TBS: That makes me sad. When and how did you guys start getting together? Macie: Well, a few of us went to high school together, and some of us—not me, unfortunately-- went to the Merit School of Music and enjoyed playing music together, so they decided to start a band. They brought in me and [rapper] Vic, because we had all gone to school together. The band started there. TBS: How does a band so young write songs that evoke emotion, when, frankly, you’re lacking a lot of the life experiences your peers have? Macie: Personally, I write ambiguous lyrics drawn from my own experiences, while Vic
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Girls
Father, Son, Holy Ghost
Honesty is what makes Girls great. The band Girls is not comprised of girls, but is made up of two key members, Christopher Owens, the lead singer, and Chet “JR” White, two boys. Owens, a Texas native, was once a part of the Children of God, essentially a really bizarre religious cult that was notorious for its liberal sexuality and its rumored sexual abuse of young children. His brother died when he was a baby, his father left, and his mother often had to prostitute herself for the sake of the cult. That shit’s so fucked up. It’s no wonder that Owens up and moved to California (under the aid of a local millionaire) and started playing an interesting combination of indie pop and badass rock, basically not giving a damn what genre he or his music fell into. I mean, he named his band Girls. Their sophomore release Father, Son, Holy Ghost starts off with “Honey Bunny” and sounds similar to their last album, which was ever so ironically titled Album. It’s a good tune to start the album off, yet it somewhat misleads the listener; if only the rest of the album could be as happy, upbeat and catchy… but don’t we always want life to be more like that, yadda, yadda, yadda? Owens sings about how girls don’t like his bony body or his dirty hair or the drugs that he’s on, but he knows she’s out there and it’s all going to be okay. The first single from their album, though, is “Vomit,” a six-and-a-half minute song about looking for and needing love, with awesome guitar solos mixed in throughout. It’s an emotional song that borders on whiney and slightly on unoriginality,
B+
which is the only general downfall of the entire album. The upbeat songs are what make this album great, while it’s sad to say that the slow, emotional songs like “My Ma” are what make the album drag on, even though they may be the most honest of the bunch. But just when you’ve had enough, you hear a song like “Die” that is pure, honest rock and makes you understand why Guns N’ Roses was an influence on a young Owens. “Saying I Love You” is a nice 50’s-esque song to the tune of a Buddy Holly or the Beach Boys, and is a good example of an emotional song while still being interesting, and less, you know, emo and whiney. The path Girls is on is a good one, so it’s high time these emo boys started to perk up a bit. Unless that means taking more prescription pills, then it’s not, or if it means that they won’t play as good of music, then it’s not. So perhaps it’s their sincere emotion that makes it all worth the while. Like, no one likes the person that’s always claim to feel good about life. We like the people who are real; one day they’re joyously optimistic about a new guy they’re dating, the next they are crying on your shoulder about how they miss their parents. Though Owens might be paining over something a little more deep, I’d let him cry on my shoulder whenever he’d like. Sounds Like: An even hipper Buddy Holly. Download: Honey Bunny, Saying I Love You, Magic Listen to it When: You’re feeling a little bi-polar.
>>> UPCOMING RELEASES Alice Cooper - Welcome 2 My Nightmare Blitzen Trapper - American Goldwing Bush - The Sea Of Memories Lady Antebellum - Own The Night
All Get Out - The Season Gavin DeGraw - Sweeter Tori Amos - Night Of Hunters Young Jeezy - TM 103: Hustlerz Ambition
writes his stuff based on his life, but also what he’s seen living in the city of Chicago. TBS: What have you been a part of that helped you define your vision as a musician? Macie: My mother is a musician and she—in large part—inspired me to write music. She’s good and it inspired me to write my own kind of music. Other artists like Fiona Apple and Metric inspire me to write my own lyrics instead of singing someone else’s. TBS: And with such a large band how do artistic contributions work? Like, how do you guys go about birthing a song? Macie: Sometimes someone will bring in an idea, and we’ll all build off that idea, whether it’s adding horns or a piano part. It’s really organic how we write our music, it’s not like we’re just sitting around saying, “let’s write a song!” TBS: How would you describe your band in 5 words or less.
Macie: We have our own sound. TBS: Not bad. Macie: It’s hard to describe, we all have different influences, and we bring them together to create something new. TBS: Do you ever worry that the eclectic sound you have will come off as unfocused? Macie: No, we play what we like and we play what we think sounds good. If someone thinks we’re unfocused, fuck ‘em. What we do, we do out of love. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Macie: Crazy, lots of energy, fun and a lot of music. A party at the venue and a party on stage. Shows are the most fun part of this thing, I think. TBS: What’s the most fun show you’ve ever played? Macie: We played the Bele Chere festival in Ashville, North Carolina and it was the most fun I’ve had on stage. The crowd was just great and we were really feeling it. TBS: Do you guys hang out off-stage, or is it more of a “we’re done here, let’s all go our separate ways” kind of thing? Macie: We hang out after rehearsal, because practice is for practicing, and we like each other. TBS: Are you guys prevented from doing certain things because of your youth? Macie: I don’t think it prevents stuff, but sometimes we’ll play a 21+ venue and they’ll treat us like kids, writing huge “X”s on our hands or they won’t let us into the venue because we don’t have a 21+ ID. Shit happens, but there’s been nothing that has, like, totally held us back. TBS: If you could collaborate with any living artist, who would it be? Macie: Stevie Wonder. TBS: If you could pick a mythical creature as a pet, which would it be and why? Macie: That thing from Harry Potter, what’s it called? TBS: A Hippogriff? Macie: Yeah! TBS: If you could replace one part of your body with a robot replacement, what would you do? Macie: My legs, then I could run super-duper fast. TBS: Favorite childhood movie? Macie: Mulan.
SHOUT OUTS!
Hey Justin, remember when you punched a hole in the wall? And then that guy one up’d you with an elbow in the wall! - Dave Dude Jason! Remember when you got drunk and started playing real life Fruit Ninja?! That was really weird. - Samantha Steve, thanks for the free showing. Watching you get beat up and arrested on that guy’s lawn was amazing. - The roommates you hate you. Owais! I stole your tie way too many times last night! Sorry, but at least you got to use it on me later? -Steph
Dear strange guy in apartment 7, thanks for being so inviting and
a cop past midnight...sorry for running away. -Chris Matt, next time you decide to play drunken target practice with a bow and arrow, try not using my door as your target. Thanks. -Jake "Sammy! Hey! Please give me Dear Jenny, please forgive me another chance to try out some for the vomit under your pillow! more pick up lines! One of them is When I’m drunk and throw up, I bound to work!" try and hide things...-Meg Is there a reason why you keep letting us crash at your place while hiding from me Matt? I mean, our lost friend turned up...and for it couldn't have been that bad, right? Right?! -Molly the pizza. - apt 5
SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK
William, you definitely learned your lesson to not blow a whistle at
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For TOP Reasons Dropping a TEN Class at ISU
10) Books Are Too Expensive: The first reason why you didn’t graduate on time is because you couldn’t afford to take Spanish. The second reason why is because you failed it. 9) Too Far Away From Your Dorm: Dude, I completely understand. Five minutes is five whole minutes. That five-minute walk to physics could be spent like, sleeping or something.
The Best Secret Dorm Pets Mitch Vaginapun wrote this Let’s face it: college life can be lonely. You’re away from your family and pets, you don’t have to go over to your Uncle’s house and help move furniture and you’re surrounded by hot, slutty girls with an arsenal of willing wingmen at your disposal. Alright, so maybe college isn’t that lonely, but that’s only if you get to have fun. Freshmen and sophomores, meet your greatest enemy: the dorms. The dorms suck—there’s nothing to do, you can’t drink, and you have to ask your roommate before you get laid. Fear not, because even though your friends won’t come over, you can have your own friend held captive at all times—the legendary dorm pet. “But pets aren’t allowed in the dorms,” you say? Well, neither are pussies, so either find a pet or a new place to sleep. The key to the perfect dorm pet is secrecy. You need something small and quiet so it’s not noticed, but something adorable and playful so you don’t get bored of it. Basically, look for the same qualities in a dorm pet as you would find in an Asian girl. Let’s examine some of the pros and cons of the candidates before we make our final decision, shall we?
Candidate #2: Turtles Turtles might seem similar to fish, but they’re the badasses of aquatic dorm pets. They have fucking armor grafted onto their skin. We’ve all seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so we all know turtles rock. You can pick them up, but they can carry salmonella, so don’t lick them. You still have to clean a feces-filled tank, but at least this time your pet won’t suck. Turtles are a good choice if you want to barely go outside the rules, like a pussy. They need sunlight or their shells get soft so if you’re intending on neglecting your responsibilities like a college student should, make sure your roommate is guilted into taking care of it. Overall Rating: Turtles are pretty cool, and they might pull in some cute pet points from the ladies. Plus, if you invent some weird green goo stuff and dump it on them, they’ll grow appendages and learn to share your love of weapons and pizza. BCandidate #3: Hedgehogs First things first, don’t you dare name it Sonic or it will kill your family. That being said, they’re the cutest things you’ll ever see. Although they’re a little prickly, they’re the ultimate pussy magnet. Cute enough to lure in girls, but awesome enough that no one will think you’re a bitch. They make awesome exercise balls for them to run in. Even their tiny poop is awesome. They’re quiet, fairly low-maintenance, and clearly the best pet choice. Overall Rating: If you want a cool secret pet, get a hedgehog. But I wasn’t joking about the Sonic thing. A+
"But pets aren’t allowed in the dorms,” you say? Well, neither are pussies, so either find a pet or a new place to sleep."
Candidate #1: Fish Fish are a great dorm pet, especially because most dorms even allow you to have them in your room. So they’re not really a “secret” dorm pet, just a dorm pet. That in itself makes fish less exciting. You know what else makes fish less exciting? Everything about being a fish. They just swim around all day, shitting and eating. They’re the aquatic equivalent to your borderline-alcoholic roommate. You can’t even hold a fish, just feed it and decorate its tank with fake treasure that reminds you that your existence is greater than the fish could ever dream of. Oh wait, fish can’t dream. Or be fun. Overall Rating: If you want a pet that’s basically a TV that you need to feed and clean regularly, go for it. If you want to have fun, look elsewhere. D+
8) The Class is Too Long: An hour and a half? Holy shit, man. That’s like, ninety minutes. Crazy. 7) It’s at 8AM: Trust me, your advisor just doesn’t understand that you’re not a morning person. You can go to class/graduate when it’s convenient for you. So go back to sleep, mister sleepy head. 6) There’s No Hot Girls: Every class can turn into a human anatomy class with the help of hot girls. However, if there are none, don’t even bother staying. 5) The Teacher Speaks English: There’s some thing about graduate students and teachers from other countries that always adds up to a winning combination of less homework. 4) It Doesn’t Apply To Your Major: “Dude, I’m a business major. I don’t need this English 101 bullshit. Fuck that, bro. Like seriously, when am I gonna need to know how to write?” 3) You Ran Out of Room In Your Notebook: Nope. Don’t even think about going to CVS and buying a new notebook. That spare dollar isn’t worth continuing your journey in that class so, get up out of your seat, and walk away with a single notebook full of knowledge. 2) You Can’t Text: Don’t believe your professor when they give you that lame speech about how rude it is to text in class? You know what’s actually rude? To tell students what’s more important in their lives. 1) You’re About to Get Dropped For Not Showing Up: Beat the system. They’re about to drop you for not showing up to class and not doing any of the work, so just beat them to the punch. Make them look like the bad guys.
Will Holloman wrote this
Seek-n-Find! Can you find all 10 hidden items? If so, the first few win $20 GoGo Pizza Gift Cards, the rest of you get a bottle opener, koozie, pen, or something else to make you happy! Hit us up at puzzles@theblacksheeponline.com and good luck!
Y O E CFootball N F I G Season! H T S O N G A L A R C R Tackle Season! I W Football S G R N F me B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards class itas me! me Quarterback time Beer itas me! Brats S N B P A L OG E L V H F A Y R R C A R Cooler D B E L O N A D C E M A L R E L O O C Gameday S N BG P A L O G E L V H F A Y R R C A R Koozies F T R N E I W R E L M U I D A T S G E S Tailgate G D B UEGLK O D NCME TMOA R ME GLGOROL C Pigskin AN DA RO C LS A C Gameday FirstDown F T RMNT EO IL W HairMary Y R L DE EL QMUUA IR D T A E RT BS AGCEK SE Tailgate Helmet U G K BA I DO RT O Flag CN Z M T CTMOPCI SG A S M K G I NGMRC LCCS FirstDown EndZone Stadium OO S CUHAE RE TR EL R E AB DAECR KA ET Helmet BCS M T OLLHYZ LY D E Q Victory Y M R OP T I CGI SV K E II H Holding B I OET PCI ZN TB C N TMDCACT SA EndZone Fightsong CS NC F H I GE HE T RS LO E NG Tackle L H Z YYOOE O A AD LE ARRAC TR BCS Fumble N F B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards E P I INWBS YG RR O T C I V E I H T D A T A Holding Quarterback Mascot Y O E C N F I G H T S O N G A L A R C R Tackle Cheerleader Beer I W S G R N F B Q G L A D L U T Y R R B Yards Penalty Brats F S Quarterback Cooler Koozies Beer Pigskin Brats HairMary Cooler Flag Koozies Stadium Pigskin Victory HairMary Fightsong Flag Fumble Mascot Stadium Cheerleader Victory Penalty Fightsong
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He wears Prada. Lives in the garden. Slips his fat ass down the chimney. Big socks imply a _____ _____. Hides eggs. Naked baby hunter. "Dawn of the Dead." Voldemort's an evil one. Male equivalent of witch. Cries for the Irish. This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn't real. People fish. Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. Bird that ignites at the end of life. A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. Halo heads.
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Three wishes. Breathes fire. Human head, horse body. Three-headed dog. Jolly green guy.
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favorite color? Adorable people in "Lord of the Rings." Big furfest; in many Japanese films. Sprinkles magic dust. He was assembled by lots of different parts. Blue midget. Head of the Greek Gods. Scary character with lots of snot. Beautiful sparkling pony with head decor. Cutest Pokemon. Napoleon Dynamite's favorite animal. Under 4'10" and older than 18. Shrek.
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1 I want me lucky charms. 2 Salem _____ trials. 3 Beware of full moon. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. 8 Half man, half bull. 10 “Family Guy” family. 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. 15 Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. 16 Borat wants their tears. 19 They steer clear of garlic and crosses. 21 I’m Buddy the _____. What’s your favorite color? 23 Adorable people in “Lord of the Rings.” 24 Big furfest; in many Japanese films. 25 Sprinkles magic dust. 26 He was assembled by lots of different parts. 28 Blue midget. 29 Head of the Greek Gods. 31 Scary character with lots of snot. 33 Beautiful sparkling pony with head decor. 35 Cutest Pokemon. 36 Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite animal. 38 Under 4’10” and older than 18. 41 Shrek. C A N T A R E R B U N B E A W I Z R S H E E L F S M L I N U R L F I D G E W E T A U R R F G
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5 He wears Prada. 6 Lives in the garden. 7 Slips his fat ass down the chimney. 9 Big socks imply a _____ _____. 12 Hides eggs. 13 Naked baby hunter. 14 “Dawn of the Dead.” 17 Voldemort’s an evil one. 18 Male equivalent of witch. 20 Cries for the Irish. 22 This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn’t real. 27 People fish. 30 Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. 32 Bird that ignites at the end of life. 34 A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. 37 Halo heads. 39 Three wishes. 40 Breathes fire. 42 Human head, horse body. 43 Three-headed dog. 44 Jolly green guy.
W G N O M E R F O O T E A S R W D O Z O M B G L L Y L F V P S B A E S S G M I F O P M E R M A I D I S I Z G R R I E C Y C L O P S L I A k A D R A G O N C E G H C E R B E R U S E
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ARE YOU READY FOR OPEN LEASING SEASON? DOWN 1 2 3 4
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I want me lucky charms. Salem _____ trials. Beware of full moon. Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. Half man, half bull. "Family Guy" family. Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. Borat wants their tears. They steer clear of garlic and crosses. I'm Buddy the _____. What's your
G N I V I L T N E D STU DONE RIGHT!
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WHAT IS OPEN LEASING? Open leasing is when non-Young America residents can lease one of our great apartments or houses!
MEMORIZE THIS SCHEDULE! SEPT. 5TH - 30TH: Current YAR Residents can renew their leases. OCT. 1ST - 4TH: Current YAR Residents can lease any available property. STARTING OCT. 5TH AT 9AM: All available YAR properties are available to anyone!
311 S. Main, Normal, IL | (309) 454.2338 | yarealty.com