Illinois State - 12/1/11 - v01i06 by The Black Sheep

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take another final - take a shot

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1) Play fun games from The Black Sheep when you're procrastinating studying. 2) Try not to get too wasted before your finals. 3) Don't cheat. Or, don't get caught. 4) Enjoy multiple spirits after your last final.

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expand your mind... skip 1 turn

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fa n ab tasi sp out ze br ring ea k b a n sig g yo u n r if oth ican t e lo r str se ess

finish group project, squeel in delight

RULES:

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computer crashes! drop the f bomb 5 times

The Fun and Games Finals Issue

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ES Z N GI UIZ I r e RTA AY , Q E! h OtENTE OLIDDLIBS MOR - - H A ND -M A

A SPECIAL

THANK

YOU FROM US

Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at VCU, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at vcu@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep

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Word of the week Preprosperous:

Czar Shank Em

Ready Mom No

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”

From 'da Streets

finally, Finals !

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

issac wrote this 1. How excited are you for Finals? a) Oh, I am so excited, you have no idea! b) Wait…finals are coming up? Shit! c) Well…I’m just excited to go home, so bring ‘em on. d) WE ARE THE 99% e) All of the Above Sorry, did I scare you with that multiple choice question right off the bat? Perhaps you’d like an essay question instead? Describe the cause and effect relationship between drinking alcohol and taking finals. Explain the pros and cons of doing so, and then pick a position and argue it. Okay so yeah, finals are coming up, and they’re gonna suck. Hopefully we can get through them together, but most likely not. You know you’ll be in Watterson or Southside on those late night study sessions, munchy-wunchin’ on some breadsticks and pizza, trying to remember what the Dijkstra’s Algorithm has to do with your major: Women’s Studies. The most important thing to remember when studying for finals is to relax. You honestly can’t psyche yourself out—this is the perfect way to flunk a final. But then again…there’s so much to review, and so much to memorize. Oh shit, I forgot I have 3 finals on Monday. Oh well, too late to change them. Now I’m even more stressed. Ohh, this breadstick tastes so goooooood. Oh shit! I just got meat sauce on my review sheet. Now I can’t tell what I have to study or not. AH SHITTTT!!!! The final is in 5 hours! I better pull an all-nighter so I don’t miss it. I’ll just study this stupid piece of paper until I memorize everything. Okay…so…the derivative of 2x is…--ZZZZzzzzzZZZzzz.

Rules of Finals 1. DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THEM Yeah, you may have slept through your entire MAT 113 lectures throughout the entire semester, but sleeping through your final is going to result in you taking the class over again. I know Chung Choo Su would love that, but you sure as hell wouldn’t. Nobody wants to repeat classes, so the easiest way to avoid this is to just simply go and take the final. 50/100 is better than 0/100 any day of the week, unless that 0/100 is referring to herpes, then fuck yeah, I’d rather have the 0/100. But this isn’t herpes. It might feel as painful…but trust me, it’s not. Set your alarm clock. Have your roommate slap you awake. Sleep outside and have rabid animals attack you until you wake up. Whatever you gotta do to make that 7:50a.m. final, do it. 2. STUDY FOR THEM So this one sounds fairly obvious, but it’s not. Trust me, one time I went into a Politics of Africa, Asia, and Latin America (POL 140) final without studying, and it wasn’t fun. I pretty much just picked the answers that sounded funniest. Don’t try copying, either. Those teachers watch you like hawks on Finals days. They’re thinking the whole time, if any one of these fuckers so much as sneezes a glance at another paper, I’m gonna rip their fuckin’ heads off. Guarantee you that is going through any teachers head at any given time during a final. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask ‘em? Yeah, das what I thought, G. 3. TAKE YOUR MO-FUCKIN’ TIME You know you’re fucked in a final if you finish before anyone else. Even if you’re the smartest mo-fucka in duh class, you take your mo-fuckin’ time in the mo-fuckin’ final, because you never know what

What one thing would you want for the Holidays? might happen. I knew this guy, it wasn’t me…okay, yeah it was. I took a final and finished before anyone else. Later that day I asked my buddy what he thought of the test, and he told me how hard it was, but he was glad there was that extra credit on the back page, or he would’ve failed the class. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--. 4. RE-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX Okay, I’m not gonna tell you to smoke a jay before the exam. [In fact, please please please don’t do that. You’ll thank me later.] But there are tools to utilize to relax before a final. The most important one is sleep (Refer to Number 1.) Secondly, just try something, like chewing gum, taking deep breaths, whatever you have to do, just don’t stress out about the final. It’s just one test. I know you don’t want to see what his name, your MAT 113 teacher next semester. It doesn’t matter to him, he gets paid either way. A note about picking classes for next semester: www.ratemyprofessor.com is your best friend. www.theblacksheeponline. com is your second best friend. www.kidsin-sandbox.com is not your friend at all. Please do not look into that. You will thank me. Good luck, and good night!

“I want world peace…but seriously, I wanted an NBA season so I'm good.” Travis C., Senior

“I want to be on the Penn State coaching staff, I think I’m young enough. Too soon?” Ryan B., Freshman

ten things i really want for christmas

will holloman wrote this

Enough with the underwear and the “We pay for you to go to college,” mother. This year we’re getting what we want, regardless of how ridiculous it may be. We’ve earned it. 10) Every Single Luxury of Kobe Bryant- Not a copy of every single luxury of Kobe Bryant, but every single luxury of his. Meaning, that for Christmas, I want everything that Kobe Bryant owns to all of a sudden become mine. His house, his cars, his couches, and his children. All. Mine. 9) Batman- I’m not six and asking for a Batman action figure. I’m twenty and asking for the real thing. I want the real, live Batman as a Christmas gift. He doesn’t even have to be wrapped. Just put a cute little bow on top of his head and give him to me. 8) Kim Jong Il’s Sunglasses- If there’s ever, and I do mean ever, an Oceans Fourteen movie made, it would have to be filmed right now, because I want Kim Jong Il’s Sunglasses for Christmas and quite frankly, there’s no one better for the job than George Clooney and the gang. Obviously, since this is a sequel they would need to bring in a newbie and who better than Jackie Chan? Honestly, just get me the damn glasses. 7) A Nintendo Wii- Ever since it came out in 2006, I’ve asked my parents for a Nintendo Wii for Christmas but according to my mother, “Honey, Wal-Mart and all the other stores are out of them again. Oh bummer…” Well, mom, enough is enough and I want to get my damn Wii Sports fix without having to go to the neighbor’s house with the smelly couches. 6) To Stop Wetting The Bed- Please pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease make it stop. I’m twenty and I’m sick of blaming the

smell on the damn cat that I NEVER HAD. 5) For Doo-Wop Music To Hit The Top of The Charts Again- Is it me or does Katy Perry need to learn how to share the top of the billboard charts? Seriously, five songs from one album? What are you gonna do next, find the cure for cancer, Katy? Well, what better than to take back the top than some good ol’ “Runaround Sue?” 4) Tupac- Don’t give me any of that “oh man, too soon!” crap. I want some new beats and some fresh rhymes and I want them now. And to be honest, no one can fulfill this request like Tupac can. Sorry Biggie, if this were a two-for-one deal, I’d bring you back too, but there’s no such thing as greed during the holiday season, now is there? 3) A Ball Pit- I should probably rephrase this so that it’s clear that I want move out of my apartment and into a house, and this house is filled with ball pit balls. Every single room and every single cabinet has balls in it. With a ball pit the size of a house, who would’ve thought that falling down the stairs could be so happy? 2) A Holographic Charizard- It’s Christmas and anything is possible and boy, do I mean anything. I worked day in and day out changing kitty litter and setting the table for dinner in order to afford those packs of Pokemon cards and after three years of such a hard life, I gave up. But you know what? I’m bringing back my dreams and this year, I will get a holographic Charizard. 1) Tiny Toons- Remember that show? I want it back. Not like, “Hey! Let’s remake it and make it really trendy and funny for this generation of youth!” I’m talking about finding the original writers from the 90’s and forcing them to write new episodes. It’s Christmas, and I get what I want.

“Five nights of full sleep.” Alex M., Senior

www.theblacksheeponline.com

quiz: what kind of student are you?

1) It’s the first day of classes in the new semester. You… A) Don’t really care, but show up to all your classes anyway. B) Spent hours the previous night getting everything together, including color-coded folders that match the mood that the class puts you in. Now you have your whole day planned out, especially the extra five minute walk to that one academic building by Redbird Arena that everyone forgets has classes. C) Sleep in and miss all your classes. Sleep is class anyway. 2) One of your classes is in Schroeder and all the teacher does is talk and give a power point. So you… A) Are dutifully taking notes and absorbing their every word. B) Have your laptop open, Facebook chatting with “friends” from high school that you haven’t talked to in years, because you’re bored. C) Take notes, but the lecture isn’t really processing in your mind. Turns out that your notes are just of the various illustrations of the “Poopatrator” in action. 3) There’s a test in one of your classes tomorrow. You… A) Crammed the night before. Hey, you can still shotgun a beer much better than your professor, right?

B) Studied a good deal the previous day and feel pretty confident. C) Have been studying for days. You’ve memorized every single one of the weekly quizzes from Blackboard. This test is about to be your bitch. 4) Remember the paper the teacher assigned three weeks ago? It’s due tomorrow. You… A) Had it finished three weeks ago and are ready to turn it in, like a boss. B) Finished it a couple days ago and spend the night before at Club Milner making any revisions/checking out all of the babes. C) Do it the night before, all the while searching for negative reviews of your professor on RateMyProfessor to fuel your fire. 5) The teacher assigns you to work in a group on a project. You… A)Get along swimmingly with everyone and do the majority of the work. B) Don’t really like your group members, they’ll do a good job if they want a good grade. C) Are pretty friendly with everyone and do your share of the work, but can’t help make your fake smile very obvious when talking with them. 6) Finals are coming up! You… A) Are 30 minutes early to office hours,

Results

m wrote this

just to make sure you can clear up some discrepancies in the semester syllabus. B) Spend half your time in the library on StumbleUpon waiting for an article on study techniques to pop up. C) Cram the night before each one ,but choose a poor study area at the Occupy Blono “Tent City.” Despite their neat protest tunes and cool armbands, you fail to get any studying done.

7) Your professor tells you about a study session for the next exam. You… A) Go for a little while but leave because you’re bored. B) Attend it, of course. You want to do well! C) Look for an excuse, like, that light has been out in the walkway by Redbird Arena that homeless men are THAT much more powerful. 8) You had a project due after Thanksgiving break. You… A) Can’t even finish it when you get back because you chose to ignore those “your password will expire in X days,” emails and are now locked out of your mailbox forever. B) It was mostly done, but over break you had to add a few touch-ups. C) Have it done already so are free to enjoy your break and don’t have to worry about iCampus for 8 whole days.

20-24 College freak: You love being at ISU and love doing homework. You make a To-do List for ever little assignment that you are assigned, and then immediately following that you finish said to-do list. Professors drool over you in an academically appropriate way. 14-19 About Average: You’re the kind of student who just rolls with the tide. You’re pretty chill about school and put effort into it, but not too much. Your attitude and amount of effort is usually represented by your choice of sweatpants or jeans for the day and whether or not you have enough energy to put your contacts in or not. 8-13 Just don’t care: The title says it all. Sometimes depending on how enthusiastic you are or how witty you think you are, you toss the word “bro” in at the end to give it your little slice of paradise. You don’t really give a damn one way or another about what happens to your grade. Grades, schmades! You’re not even sure why you’re here, really. Perhaps you’re on some sort of spiritual journey to find who you are, and college is the perfect way to get there.

answers 1: A) 2: A) 3: A) 4: A)

2 3 1 3

B) B) B) B)

3 1 2 2

C) C) C) C)

1 2 3 1

5: A) 3 B) 1 C) 2 6: A) 3 B) 2 C) 1 7: A) 2 B) 3 C) 1 8: A) 1 B) 2 C) 3

the ultimate at-home drinking game

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One of the worst things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).

on the car ride home

when decorating for the holidays...

Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.

Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.

while celebrating the holidays with your family Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.

while last minute shopping Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.

On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.

the top ten Ways to Procrastinate for Finals 10. Calculate the lowest possible grade you need to get on the final: Man, studying BLOWS! You've been doing it for over thirty minutes and you're just so sick of it, dawg! Hey, maybe you should spend the next two hours figuring out the absolute minimum amount you'll have to study and still keep your “D”! Whoa, look at that, you only need a 90% on the test! Bro, that means that you don't even have to LOOK at 10% of the material! That's gonna save you, like, DOZENS of minutes of studying! 9. Getting drunk: Drinking while you study is a slippery slope. First, you just have one beer, because of how fucking rad it feels to drink beer while studying. Then, you have another. Then, you decide to mix yourself a rum and Coke. Then, you reluctantly agree to do a shot with your roommate. Then, your roommate reluctantly agrees to do a shot with you. Then, you try that thing you saw on the news about vodka-soaked tampons. Then, you-- hang on, I'd better pause here and move on to number eight, because now you're... 8. Getting crunk: I'm no science-tist, but I think by now you've skedaddled across the border into crunkenness. By now, you're yelling “OH MY GOOOODDDD I LOOOOVE THIS SOOOOONG” for every single song you hear, and you have probably tried to subtly show a cute stranger that you're interested in them by just flat-out grabbing their junk. In this state, you've become what I like to call “the blocker”. I walk behind people like you when leaving a party so that any cops who pass by will ticket you instead of me. Thanks for all you do, hero! 7. Post tons of shit about Skyrim on Facebook: Way to go, champ! You had enough disposable income to buy a $60 video game! Now, how about, instead of playing it, you just post statuses and videos and comics you made about Skyrim all over yours and everybody else's Facebook page! Boy, your friends are gonna LOVE IT! 6. Intentionally break your own arm: True story, this is actually something my good friend Eric seriously considered doing (but didn't do). He overslept for a math test worth 20% of his grade, and upon waking up, decided the best way to get out of this shitty situation would be to slam his arm against his bed frame until a bone snapped, and then email his professor saying “Hey, sorry I missed the test, I woke up and had a broken arm! Totes crazy, huh?” To quote Cartman, “This is what I call 'Operation Cannot Possibly Fail' .” 5. Go see if that place in Milner Plaza that sells jewelry just leaves their shit there when they close up for the night, or if they take it with them: And let me know what you find out, because I've been wondering that for years now. And, if they do just leave everything there, you can just... 4. Bribe your professor with tons of stolen silver jewelry for a good final grade: Let me know how this goes, too. 3. Have an existential crisis: You spent thirty minutes reading the “Philosophy” page on Wikipedia and now you're, like, the only person who just GETS everything, you know? What's the point of it all? Does life even have a purpose? On that note, can words even have meaning? Why can't purpose have a life instead of the other way around? And, most importantly, why are you spending so much time studying when we don't even know if we know what we know what we know? You'd better pack a fourth bowl and think it over, man. 2. Drop out of school: This method is particularly awesome because you don't have to study at all, and yet you're guaranteed not to fail ANY of your finals! I mean, think about it. Why are you even in college when you could be making TONS of money by selling meth? Time to put that season and a half of Breaking Bad that you watched to good use! 1. Turn over a new leaf: Today's the day! The day you become the best version of yourself! First, you're gonna clean your room! Oh shit yeah, this place is looking NICE! Now, go call up that girl who grabbed your junk the other night at that party! Sweet, you're totally dating now! Segregate your laundry into whites and colors for the first time ever! Organize your food by expiration date! Learn cartography! Plan the first televised wedding for gay cats! And finally, go study for that big...eh, fuck it, you're just gonna go to bed.

sevin ketze wrote this

! 3 1 0 2 2 1 0 2 or f g in nt e Now R

2 kingsley S Fell // 12 flora way // 40 5 50 // ll Fe N 6 30 // ll fe n 6 HOvey ! // 102 East Cherry // 20 le b a il a ut // 610 W Hovey // 912 W Av ln l wa il S 1 St 30 // ts st cu en Lo tm W 2 Student Apar ll // 808 s linden // 320 e vernon // 700 N adelaide // 10 homes 212 lindell // 304 Linde Locust // flora way town W 118 // ol ho Sc N 2 50 // n 204 N Linde

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swee (revenge has never been so TS OU T OU SH & CS PI Y PART

The Bar Grid

Lunker's SATURDAY: $6 Vodka Lemonade Mason Jars $6 Rum & Coke Mason Jars $2.75 Corona & Pacifico $2 Ursus Shots

FRIDAY: $3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

TUESDAY: $5 - 8 Wings and a Soda

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2.50 Leinenkugel Pints $2 PBR Bottles Open Mic @ 10pm

$6 Red Bull Vodka Mason Jars $2 Miller Family Bottles

$2.25 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

Buy an 18” pizza get a free appetizer up to $5 value

THURS

Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts

$6 Long Islands Mason Jar $2 Ursus Shots

$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

Buy one pizza get one at equal or lesser value half off delivery only

FRI

$3 Pints of Spiced Rum Drinks $3 Corona and Corona Lt. Bottles No Cover!

$4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm

$6 Vodka Lemonade Mason Jars $6 Rum & Coke Mason Jars $2.75 Corona & Pacifico $2 Ursus Shots

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$11 - 16” 1 topping delivery only

SAT

Closed

$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

Buy 14” or larger pizza get a free 2 liter

SUN

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

$9 Domestic Buckets

$3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs

$5 - Slice and a Pop

MON

$3 32oz Drafts of Bud Lt./Miller Lt. $3 16oz Wells $2 Vegas Bombs No Cover!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$5 - 8 Wings and a Soda

TUES

$2 You Call Its No Cover!

$2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm

$5 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

$5 - Redbird Bread + Fries

WED

$4 40oz. Bottles of Bud Lt. and Miller Lt. $3 Car Bombs No Cover!

Get Ready for Our NYE PartY! Starts @ 8pm Balloon Drop at midnight w/ free champagne toast and great drink specials!

Get all the bar specials on your phone! Download "Black Sheep Mobile" for iPhone or Android

SATURDAY: $4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm

FRIDAY: Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover!

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gam about music, sex... and drinking e (lik T EN NT CO ER LL KI

holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person

MotorolaA

For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.

The Designated Driver

Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.

Mr. Super Broke

What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!

trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!

Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.

Lululemon

Destined for Greatness Duffel

Timbuk 2M

PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.

Are You on the Naughty List?

PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other onthe-go occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.

essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.

Lap Dock 100 Motorola

Chrome

Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

eer Making Starter Kit

Homebrewers OutpostB

Short's Brewery

PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.

PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?

Peligroso Reposado

42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!

Samsung

Galaxy Tablet 10.1

Variety Pack

PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The highresolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions—making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!

Under $25 Gift Packages! For the Lusty Lover

(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.

FOR THE Super Greek

(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-alug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.

for the Study Buddy

(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)

Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).

holiday gift guide 2011

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX . bloWin’ uP

T-Pain - rEvolver

nEW yEars EvE chEvillE - haTs off To ThE bull

WE boughT a zoo

rEal sTEEl

modErn WarfarE 3

. . . . . . . .

amy WinEhousE lionEss - hiddEn TrEasurEs

War horsE

lamE

ThE girl WiTh ThE dragon TaTToo

ThE rooTs - undun

ThE black kEys El camino

WWE ‘12

ThE lEgEnd of zElda: skyWard sWord

ThE siTTEr

currEn$y - jET World ordEr

undEr-hyPEd

cool

TinkEr Tailor soldiEr sPy

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Are you Smarter Than?

The scoreboard:

5 jesus's score

jesus's answers

Jesus Villagomez Quidditch Team Captain 1) Who wrote the hit 1997 4) What is Oprah Winfrey’s song Bitch? (“I’m a bitch Real name? I’m a lover I’m a child I’m a mother…”) 5) The man who created Wonder Woman also cre2) Who was the youngest ated the… man to become president? 6) What was the First book 3) What country is Hogin the Goosebumps series? warts supposed to be at? 7) Which sport has what is called a “Sex Allowance”?

madlib: 1) Adjective 2) verb 3) Name 4) Adjective 5) Body part 6) Past tense verb 7) Piece of furniture 8) Noun 9) Noun 10) Food 11) Verb ending in –ing 12) Noun 13) Musical artist 14) Verb

15) Verb 16) Noun 17) Adjective 18) Adjective 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Noun 22) Noun 23) Same noun as 16 24) Animal 25) Verb ending in –ing 26) Body part 27) Same noun as 23 28) Noun

your score

8) What is the Big “O” running time of Dijkstra’s algorithm? 9) What’s the capital of El Salvador? 10) Taco Bell is a member of what food conglomerate?

1) Meredith Brookes 2) John F. Kennedy 3) Scotland 4) Janice Winfrey 5) Lie detector 6) Night of the Living Dummy 7) Horse Racing 8) O (n^3) 9) Lima 10) McDonald's Corp

correct answers: 1) Meredith Brookes 2) Theodore Roosevelt 3) Scotland 4) Oprah Winfrey 5) Lie detector 6) Welcome to Dead

House 7) Horse racing 8) O(n^3) 9) San Salvador 10) Yum! Brands

all about the wonderful holidays! Finals are almost upon us, but there hope on the horizon: the holiday season, also known as the most ___1___ time of the year! I finally get to ___2___ my roommate goodbye for a week. Man, ___3___ is such a(n) ___4___ ___5___! Can you believe he/she ___6___ on MY ___7___!? There are stains everywhere! And all the food in Southside tastes like ___8___. After last year’s Thanksgiving “dinner,” I swear that I found ___9___ in my ___10___. My favorite part about leaving BloNo is ___11___ my ___12___ at home, even though it usually takes all day. I love listening to my ___13___ CDs on the drive back from ISU. It’s really hard not to ___14___ while I listen to it during the drive, but thinking about how much I’m going to ___15___ my ___16___ when I get home is usually enough. Just thinking about it now is making me ___17___! Last year, I got to spend a(n)___18___ Thanksgiving at Al Bowman’s ___19___. All I had to do was ___20___ his ___21___ and he let me stay! He even showed me his private ___22___ collection! His ___23___ was huge! And the food was crazy! Did you know that you can cook ___24___ by ___25___ it in ___26___? Neither did he, but his wife sure did! Man, can she work a ___27___! No wonder Bowman is the ___28___ of ISU!

SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12

They came from the east when they saw his star rise...

They came to pay homage to a new king...

The Three Wise Men.

The evil King Herod had also heard the news.

Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...

And demanded they find this new king...

...so Herod could destroy him.

They paid him no mind and continued their journey.

The star stopped, they arrived.

Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...

Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.

For he truly was King of the Booze!

Meanwhile...

..,01,4 5$5( ,0$.4 6;;.(

www.theblacksheeponline.com $55 0'3(84

questions:

Down 2 Drinking holiday before Thanksgiving 3 Area where people celebrate the end of Finals 5 Class building next to Watterson 7 Longest walk from these dorms 9 Good food in the Bone 10 Best holiday for college students lacking food 13 Building connected to Walgreens 16 Statue of _____ ______ in front of Redbird Arena Southside Dorms Much needed before spring semester The President of ISU Best place in Uptown for a late night pizza Auditorium in the Bone Old class building by smelly tree

C H A R L I

I S I

X T H A

N I

U O

R E D B I

R D

S A N T A O

M G R A D U A T I

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S I

D A Y S

H A N C O C K

S T A D I

C U M 9

E P U B

H O L I

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S H I

G N

T S U B I

H A P P Y

N A L S

C L A U S E

N G

M I

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W A T T E R S O N I

E T

F T H

T E

A R E N A

W 11

B R O W N

K 20

M F I

M C C O R M I

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R E G G I

R E D B I

Based on the Holidays, Finals week, and ISU

R D

Illinois State Finals Puzzle

$3 16oz WELLS / $3 ANY BOMB $3 BUD FAMILY BOTTLES & PINTS DJ @ 10pm

SATURDAY

$3 16oz VODKA/ENERGY & WELLS $3 ANY BOMB / $3 MILLER/COORS BOTTLES & PINTS | DJ @ 10pm

FRIDAY

Q U A D

$2 Any Bomb / $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS DJ VAMPS @ 10PM

THURSDAY .75 CENT WELL DRINKS

DAILY SPECIALS

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F E L L

DOWN: 1) Southside dorms 2) Greatest mascot 3) Old class building by smelly tree 5) Statue of ___ ____ in front of

K S C H R O E D E R

solution:

C H A N U K A H

309

SUNDAY

$2 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BEER $3 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BOOZE FREE Jukebox & Bags

MONDAY

$2 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BEER $3 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BOOZE

($10 minimum for delivery)

TUESDAY

Download our mobile app

WEDNESDAY

Search: Black Sheep Mobile

$2 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BEER $3 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BOOZE Live Music with Kyle Yap 10-1am $2 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BEER $3 â&#x20AC;&#x153;ANYâ&#x20AC;? BOOZE Karaoke / DJ 10-1am

DRIFTERS PUB // 612 N. Main St / Bloomington, IL SUN - THURS 5pm - 1am / FRI & SAT 5pm - 2am

1 4 6 8 11 12 14 15 19

20 22 25

Redbird Arena. 7) Much needed before Spring semester 9) The place Doug Collins and Osiris built 10) Football team home 13) President of ISU 14) Best floor at Milner to study for finals 16) What some seniors will be doing in December 18) Worst floor to study at Milner 20) Good food in the Bone 21) Communications building 22) Longest walk from these dorms. 17 18 21 23 24 29

ACROSS: 1) Building connected to an old Walgreens 3) Jewish Holiday Adam Sandler sang about 4) Every college had one of these 6) Best holiday for college students lacking food 8) Class building freshman usually pronounce wrong 11) Auditorium in the Bone 12) Drinking holiday before Thanksgiving 15) Best place in Uptown for late night pizza 17) Cartoon that's on every holiday 19) Politically correct Christmas greeting 23) Fat guy that brings gifts 24) Car company featured in Normal commercials 25) Huge building on campus 26) Worst week at ISU is ____ week 27) Area where people celebrate the end of finals 28) If it's Wednesday you are here 29) Class building where to work out 30) Class building next to Watterson

Across Greatest Mascot Class building where people workout If it's Wednesday you are here Football team's home Huge building on campus Politically correct Christmas greeting Fat guy that brings gifts The place Doug Collins and Osiris built Normal featured in this car company's commercial Worse floor on Milner to study Worst week at ISU is _____ Week What some seniors will be doing in December Cartoon that is on every holiday, parents sound like teachers on finals week Communications building Every college has one of these Best floor on Milner to study Class building freshman pronounce wrong Jewish holiday Adam Sandler sang about

27 28 30 31 32

The crossword

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iPhone and Android

Holiday Partyscopes!

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow. Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in. Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now? Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole. Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure! Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.

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