The Black Sheep
Fre e upo ...lik nr et et he urn fee ing lin to g yo sc u g hoo et l...
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 1 1/19/12 - 2/8/12
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The 12 (Consecutive] booze Reviews from Christmas
sevin ketze wrote this
My editor Bryan called me last night reminding me that my alcohol reviews were due tomorrow. “Yeah, already done,” I lied. So, I stayed up all night doing a break's worth of reviews all at once. This is what I found on my screen the next day. 1. Pinstripe Red Ale: I got this for Christmas in a Friar Tuck's mix-a-sixer. As a fan of ska music, I immediately was drawn in by the checkerboard label, and the skull with a porkpie hat. However, I found the taste to be abrasive. A bitter, overpowering flavor of apples left me disappointed, but it was tolerable enough to finish. 2. Leinenkugel's Honey Weiss: Often snubbed by beer critics, this tasty lager is one of my favorites on a budget. The honey taste is almost nonexistent, but the taste pairs well with any meal, and is delicious in any season. 3. Bailey's Irish Cream: A holiday favorite of many, this thick creamy liqueur is sure to warm even the coldest winter heart. Best served over ice, and maybe with a candy cane or something, to make it look cool. 5. Bailey's Irish Cream: Man, this stuff is good. I'm surprised that I don't see people drinking this more around the year-round more, you know? It's like...drinking...milk booze, with sugar. Awwww yeah. 6. Keystone light: Hahahaha, I can't even taste anything! What the hell is this, hahahha! Smoooooth! Smoooooth like Keith Stone! This is some seriously chuggable shit!!! 7. Some kind of tequilla: GROSS, ugh, dude, I'm gonna....hang on....nevermind, it was just...just some gags, anyway the label is shiny and there's...some kind of lizard or something on it, smells like corn and gasoline, 10/10. oh and I forgot to do #4, it was supposed to be rolling rock I think but whatever, load up another keystone in the bong, that'll count instead 4. Keystone light again: I know i'm doing doubles again, sorry, but I mean give me a break, i'm on break Skol: ill tell you one thing this stuff is cheap but you're not buying it because its good you're buying it because it's cheap!!! it's not that good but it's really cheap beer: my ex girlfriend is so pretty and I love her so much and I just texted her asking if she's
Other stuff
Inside
Woodcarving: Not Nearly As Good As Sex Who would've thought two things involving hard wood could be so different?
see page 4
dtf and I did a winky face, also the beer was good but who cares about that when you're so alone pizza rols: freaking magma but whatever, have you seen the commercials with the kids at the sleepover and that leader kid is like “let's get some fucking pizza rools aiight but we gotta be quiet” and one kid just yells “I LOVE TOTINOS PIZZA ROLLS”, and its like way to go you idiot douhce kid, way to not keep your shit on the DL, now nobody's gonna get any rolls, screw people like that skol: helpful hint: you can take off the plastic thing with your fingernail and it pours faster or makes it easier to chug skol: do you ever wonder whats the point, do you ever wonder if maybe you screwed everything up?? I mean look at me i'm sitting alone in a basement drinking skol straight from the bottel and I puked in a grocery bag next to me and now the cat is eating it haha. I want to get a cat for my apartment but the lease says I can't, whatever, dictator tyrants of sami, you also said i'm not allowed to let trash accumulate inside the apartment but take THAT I just throw my full garbage bags into the back of my closet haHA and you don't even know. I'd take it out but there are possible gang members living all over the place and they might see my non-ragged clothes and take me as their sexual prisoner. Aaaand just gotta fill the rest of the space to make it to 700 words and we're almost almost almost there DONE haha peace out
Personalities to Avoid When Trying to Score Tales from Raging at Home A simple Guide that you should memorize. see page 5
Partying with your parents turned out to be the gift that kept on giving.
see page 7
02
Meet The Staff!
Table of
PAGE 4>>
contents
Advertising Managers Tina Ayodele Matt Jackson distribution Manager Jason Snyder Contributing Writers Kevin Setze Bill Johnson Jeremy Ber Mike Atkins Mollie M. campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?
Good god, you’re saying we have to go outside in the daylight?
PAGE 6 >>
Party Pictures & Shoutouts
page 11 >>
The Top Ten
page 12 >>
Our 2012 Predictions
Page 14 >>
Spring Semester Prospectus
Page 15 >>
Kitchen Jokes, Will They Ever End?
Find Us At...
Managing Editor Bryan Podell
707 Liquors, Alamo II, Artkore Tattoos, Barnes & Noble, Brewe-Ha’s, Budget Liquors, Campus Town, Celestial Tanning, Chaser’s, Class Act Realty, Coffee Hound, College Station Apartments, Colorific Hair Salon, Cosi, Daddio’s, DP Dough, Elroy’s, Eurotan, Express Mart, Fat Jack’s, First Site, Flinger’s, Gumby’s Pizza, Lunker’s, Maggie Miley’s, Maguire’s Bar & Grill, Medici, Midtown Liquors, Mother Murphey’s, Movie Fan, Mugsy’s Pub, Neon Rays, Prime Time Pizza , Pub II, Reggie’s Sandwiches, Shorty’s Cellar Barber, Smoker’s Den, South Beach Tanning, Super Gyro, The Point, The Loft, The Rock, The Village, Ultimate Tan, University Liquors Every Fraternity and Sorority! Dorms! Bins! AND MORE!
12
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Easing Back Into the New Semester
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Definition: An act of urination that offers no daring, creativity or exciting circumstance. Shawn took a 2-tug myopiss in a well-lit bathroom, behind a double-locked door, into a toilet with the seat up.
04
easing back into the new semester m wrote this A new year, a new semester to be had. We’re all back from our nice, long break facing whatever challenges this semester happens to throw in our faces. I’m sure everyone just can’t wait for all the assignments, tests, and stress that come with almost every semester. And being used to sleeping in all break, you might be worried about adjusting to your new schedule of having to actually wake up and do things. We all know how it goes; it sucks, but it’s not entirely unmanageable. Are you someone who has difficulty getting up in the morning? Personally, I hate mornings, if mornings could manifest themselves physically, I’d be more than happy to shank them each and every time I rise from my sleep. Many of you are the same way. So should your average college Joe wake himself up? Well, first you need to set an alarm the night before. Not just any alarm, either. Use your phone. Assuming it’s a phone that also plays music, set your alarm with whichever song you hate most in this world. Avirl Lavigne’s “Sk8erboi” should get you out of bed at turbo speed, ready to lay waste to the day ahead of you. After that jolt to the central nervous system grab a quick shower. If it’s important day and you need to be most alert, play shower Fear Factor with yourself: make the water freezing cold and add scorpions. Not a fan of Fear Factor? Then nix the cold water (but keep the scorpions). If you eat breakfast, I’d recommend doing it just after the shower so that you can have some coffee with it, if you’re a coffee-drinker that is. If not, begin drinking the stuff. If the heavy dose of caffeine doesn’t get you riled up, the post-cup poop will have you ready to run laps in no time at all. Next thing you might be worrying about how and when to get assignments done. Like many of you out there, I often forget about what’s due in what class, therefore I
Woodcarving:
Not Nearly as Good as Sex Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
end up doing many assignments last minute. The best way to avoid this is to plan out your week and see where you can fit time for homework in. If you have a planner, use it for coloring sweet pictures of Thor smashing Snooki with his giant hammer. Or, buy a coloring book, that’ll provide you with you endless amounts of coloring fun, and a stack of post-it notes. Use post-it notes to keep track of your assignments, when they’re due, and what class you should bring them too. My point is, whatever way that you can keep yourself organized, do it. Speaking of stress, if you happen to start feeling stressed, seek out some healthy methods of relieving it. Try doing some yoga stretches before bed while listening to soft music. The names of the yoga positions are giggle-worthy - the Downward Facing Dog and the King of the Half Fishes come to mind - so you can fall asleep knowing the ridiculous poses you’ve just done were the work of some mad yoga instructor thousands of miles and hundreds of years away. Sure, we all face anxiety now and again, especially with the daunting prospect of an entire semester ahead of us. With the only light at the end of our current tunnel being attached to a train it’s time to put things in perspective. Really want to mellow out? Remember, after college you’ll work for forty years and die, how hard is college now?
So I know you’ve all been wondering, “Mitch, just what exactly are you up to in that bachelor pad of a home you live in? The one that isn't just a futon mattress in your parents’ house, over break? I mean, all your sexy slam pieces are school slams!” To answer your question, a whole lot of nothing. You’d think that I’d be slammin’ all over the place, right!? Wrong! All the ladies around here are either ugly or forty years old, or sometimes both. In the absence of getting my dick wet, I’ve picked up a new hobby—woodcarving. That’s right, woodcarving, bitch. You have a problem with that? Didn’t think so because remember, I’m holding a knife. At first, I tried a few other hobbies. Turns out knife juggling, hunting humans for sport, eating rocks, playing Operation without screaming at your 5-year-old sister, and tantric masturbation are a lot more difficult and bloody than I had initially anticipated. Especially the last two. After going through nearly the entire alphabetical list of manly hobbies for people who definitely get laid a lot and aren’t just putting up a front to compensate for anything, I found woodcarving. Not only do you walk around smelling like a lumberjack, but also you get to master two of the most fantastic things in the world, knives and hard wood. It’s just like Sigmund Freud always said, “Guys who use phallic stuff all the time totally have big penises and stuff. Why do
you think I always push this cigar in and out of my mouth all day?” So with Freud’s hard logic deep inside me, I set to work relieving my sexual frustration. For my first attempt, I blindfolded myself so my carving would be like a surprise gift to myself. What was supposed to be a tree, ended up looking like a weird bumpy penis, which just made me think more about slammin’ with Jessica, the girl who made my penis all weird and bumpy. I tried again with my eyes open, but I ended up making a regular bumpy penis. On the third try, I ended up making a scrotum. Or maybe it was just boobs in a hairy shirt. Yeah, it was definitely that one. On purpose too, not just because I’m trying to cover up the fact that I was thinking about balls; about my balls andnd how much girls like them. Case in point, unless you want to end up with a bunch of weird genital statues in your room (and come on, Clockwork Orange stopped being cool since I-never-read-or-saw-it-ago) you should probably avoid woodcarving to relieve that “special feeling” you get when you haven’t been having sex with 30 women consistently. Oh wait, only I’m hot enough to do that? Damn right. But on the other hand, those hairy boobs looked pretty sweet and made for some good “self-slam” material later. It’s just like the old saying goes, “When life (or your friend’s hot sister) gives you wood, carve it.”
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SEX and the u
Tryin' to get some:
05
a helpful guide of who NOT to be
We’ve all seen awkward flirters. Bred out of social ineptitude, raised by growing desperation, and driven to action by jungle juice and foamy keg beer, these creatures of weekend nights are ever-present on any college campus. Some do a great service to the rest of us by entertaining us with their hilarious failure, and some are so bad that the party will be remembered purely by their misdeeds, like “that party where the girl bit some guy's dick most of the way off”. Guy who is dancing way, way too much: It's interesting how the more he drinks, the less variety there is to his dancing. Seriously, every time this guy pops up, he's jumping to the beat of the music, pumping his fists, and is never actually with anybody. He'll probably end up accidentally hitting some girl in the face, then doing that thing where he tries to make up for it by clutching both sides of her head tightly with his sweaty hands, drunkenly studying her face, and saying “aaaah, you're alright!” Girl who stands in front of the bar all night: I'm not sure if she's standing there because she can't stand to ever have an empty cup, or because she knows she has every guy as a captive audience for at least ten seconds. Unlike others on this list, this girl isn't necessarily awkward or creepy, and might even be one of those “hot mess” types, but it doesn't matter, because the free flow of liquor she's enjoying will have her out cold by 11:30. Maybe
sevin ketze wrote this you shouldn't pregame when you weigh 110 pounds, huh? Guy who was “So close to getting some, like, dude, sure thing.”: We've all been this guy, and that's okay, because this guy isn't always a liar. Sometimes it was a sure thing, and she had to go take care of her shit-show friend, and props to her for being a good person and doing that. The guy I'm talking about is the one who says this after every party, about girls he wasn't even talking to. This guy talks a lot of talk, but if you pay attention to him, the closest he ever gets to these “sure things” is knee contact on a couch during a card game. This guy in your wolf pack can give all of you a creepy reputation, so it's in your best interest to make sure he shapes his shit up. Overly-aggressive gropey girl: Real situation: It's the end of the night and you're dancing with everybody, because, like, why not? Suddenly, you feel a hand awkwardly grabbing at your dick. But something's not right here...that hand doesn't belong to your dancing partner. Instead, it belongs to the gropey girl. You're confused; you have never felt uncomfortable with an over-the-pants tugger before. But, you're so weirded out at why a person could think this is okay to do, that you recoil. “Lay no hand on me, wench!” you proclaim. “I am not yours to fondle!”That was seriously weird. The forty-five year old: Why? Why are they here? How did
they hear about this? He/she tends to have qualities of all four of the previous people. They have no pride and no shame, and will flirt with the hottest people at the party without a second thought or a shred of hesitation. In a way, you almost admire them; how they don't care about what others think of them. Almost. Think about it: there's a reason they have to hang out with people less than half of their age. The aforementioned are the lowest of the tail-landing low. When your parents ask you why you can’t be like the nice next-door neighbor, let them know you saw him dancing the night away, and horribly.
t s e b e h t s c i p y t in par
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SHOUT OUTS! So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week... already broken...so sad...-Jess John, new resolution, no fatties this year. Deal? -Brian Naperville Sarah J - It was great "reconnecting" over break, but uhh...I'll see you in the summer. Cool? - Dave Adam, Wasted Wednesdays just aren’t the same when my parents are in the room. I’m so glad break is over with! Oh Chasers, how I’ve missed you. Dear professor that I will soon grow a love/hate relationship with, no shots to the nuts, deal? Megan, let’s make the rest of January our syllabus week! Dude Jackie, let’s try that battle shots game that we saw on Facebook! Luke! I missed you over break. Snuggle soon? Ames. I bought a Kinect and bunch of light sabers. Let’s get busy. Bookstore, can we start offering limbs instead of cash? Hey Bill, remember that one hat? I dare you to never take it off again. Mother Nature, please shut down school again like last year. Except this time, put the original Planet of The Apes movie on HBO, not the remake. Chili’s waiter, I dare you to make my nacho dip cold again. I dare you.
Chris, there’s no way you are moving in with that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS! SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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10
Bartender
of the
Issue
Samantha Treadm
an
chasers
Age: 20 Status: Single! Major: Environmental Health Favorite Drink: Seven and Seven Porn Name: djsamanthaspins Personal Theme Song: Far East Movement, “Like a G6” Life Motto: Optimism is key Favorite Sex Position: Wouldn’t you like to know? Dream Date: Ice skating with a hottie Have you ever hooked up with an employee? All of them. Just joking I’m going to go with no Funniest Thing You Have Seen on the Job: All the girls turning 21, it’s a shit show Weirdest Place You Have Hooked Up: On a ship passing the coast of Africa Turn Ons: Funny guys, they need to have a personality and goals in their life and of course a hot body Turn Offs: Chewing tobacco Celebrity You Want to Hang With: Britney Spears, the girl is pure greatness Celebrity You Want to Beat Up: Tiger Woods; he has got to have like a million STDs
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Ways To Spend Your Syllabus Week 10) Go Clubbing: No, I’m not telling you to go hit up the usual bars that you would normally go to. When I say “Clubbing” I’m telling you to dress up in your favorite eurotrash get-up and find a sweet place, with strobe lights and black lights, and let those arms flail. 9) Trigger A Nostalgic Moment: I’m sure you’ve got friends that loved watching Rugrats, Power Rangers, My Little Pony, etc. as much as you did when you were a kid. What? I know what you’re thinking. Well, I’m not “fucking lame” for loving ponies that much. Just give ponies a chance, man.
raging at home
issac wrote this
Now that we’re back from break, it feels kind of weird making party plans with people that don't tell me what to wear and think and don’t pay me money at the door. Let me clarify. When I came home for break, my parents had certain expectations of me. That I was going to study and do homework. They seem to think that Winter Break is for anything other than getting drunk and hitting up high school friends. When New Years Eve rolls around, my mom tells me that I need to put on a nice sweater. Why? We’re going to have a nice family party at home. Little did I know, it wasn’t going to be nice at all, it was going to be fucking raw. The three Yellow Tail wine bottles that were on the kitchen table appeared to say “drink me if you want a small buzz!” I sighed a lame sigh, and turned on the television before the party started. While catching up on Conan, my parents set up for the party, forcing me to turn on the closed captioning so my mother could vacuum, because she’s a bitch like that. While the party guests arrived, I greeted each of them at the door. Kisses on the cheek (“accidentally” on the lips for hot single friends of my parents), coat taking, you know, the usual. Then the real fun started: my crazy uncle pulled up in his broken down Honda Civic (1995) with a keg in his hands.
you should go get your parents drunk and high and have a great old time. That’s just how I spent my New Year’s Eve. Jealous? There were all the typical signs of a crazy party. Smoke, loud music, a guy with a lampshade on his head, shirtless men, and confusion comparable to that of a college party. A rager, not quite, but it was sure as hell fun. I think I went to bed that night around 4a.m. and woke up the next afternoon around 4p.m. When we awoke, we were all hung over, and it was fun as hell. Even my mom was hung over; so, I got her back and vacuumed around her for a change.
"even my mom was hungover; so, i got her back and vacuumed around her for a change."
There is always a possibility of having a great time partying with your parents, based on the simple fact that they grew up in the 60’s. I quickly learned that if you can get a little booze in them, the weed just comes out. Just be careful though, because eventually they won’t stop talking about Woodstock. Now, I’m not saying
When your mom’s making waffles at 5p.m. and you’re all recovering from a crazy New Year’s party, you know you had a great night. And I’ll ask you again, how did you spend your new years? Now that I’m back in school, I have found that it’s much more difficult to appreciate all the slutty girls and the gross PBR because adult parties have so much more class. Yeah I said it. My parent’s generation knows how to do it right; we don’t. The next time you talk to your grandpa, ask him what his college parties were like. If he doesn’t remember, you know they were crazy. Either that or…well, he’s just old. That’s not to say college parties aren’t fun as hell. I mean, clearly they are. But if you were there you would know what I’m talking about. It was the craziest party I had ever been to, and it was right at home. Even the dog was high! We were eating Cheez-Its like they were going out of style. And then to finish of the night, we all watched The Lawrence Welk Program. Hilarious. I couldn’t stop laughing if I wanted to. Try it sometime!
8) Make Your Own Hockey Rink: It’s simple, really. Find a firefighter. Become friends with said firefighter. Convince newly found firefighting (best) friend to steal a fire hose and hook it up to a fire hydrant on the quad, spray parking lot with water, and wait. Meanwhile, create Facebook event and invite all of your friends (including firefighter friend) to play hockey with you the next day. 7) Start A Wu-Tang Clan Cover Group: I can’t say, “cover band” because they’re not a band. They are, however, the dopest motherfuckers to hit the rap scene since Will Smith in the late 1990’s. So, grab the dopest motherfuckers you know amongst your group of friends (or co-workers), and start laying down some “real shit.” 6) Buy Cocaine: Be very careful how you read this. When I say, “buy cocaine,” I never said to actually do it. But I know a guy who knows a guy that once heard from his friend’s roommate’s brother that you get this super crazy-ass thrill from merely buying cocaine. Sounds crazy, right? Dude, you have no idea. Just wait til you sell it. 5) Do Cocaine: There’s some leeway with this one. When I say, “do cocaine,” it doesn’t really have to be the cocaine that I just told you to buy. If you sold it, no one's calling you a bitch or anything like that; it’s really no big deal. I’m just telling you to go do some cocaine. It doesn’t have to be “your” cocaine... Just get your hands on some—I don’t care how—and do it. 4) Play Wii: C’mon dude, Wii Bowling is the greatest thing to happen since sliced bread. What’s that? You also did #5 and #6 on this list? That’s great! Wii anyhing is much better with cocaine. Or is cocaine much better with Wii? Decisions, decisions… 3) Become One With Nature: This is probably the only legitimate excuse for not going to class. Just tell your professors that instead of going to class, you found a tree and decided to sit underneath it. And, as you sat underneath this tree, it started to talk to you and hold you in its shadows. And shit, man, it even knew your middle name. Now that’s a true friend. 2) Listen To Old Janet Jackson or Seal Records: Remember those days? You don’t? Hah, well sorry dude, but you’re pretty boring. Pop on some classic J. Jackson, remember her boob popping out at the Super Bowl forever ago and watch your life go on. You’ll snap back to reality when you remember her (white) brother died! 1) Pool Party!: Think of all the perks of a pool party right now. 1. Alcohol. 2. Those girls that have quickly hid their unshaven legs behind yoga pants and Uggs will be forced to strut their stuff, in bathing suits (3. Boobs)! Not to mention, dogs on the grill, and maybe some air hockey. And nipping, sweet, sweet nipping.
Will Holloman wrote this
our 2012 predictions February 5: After Tom Brady secures a 27-25
Super Bowl victory on a Hail Mary, Tim Tebow appears above the crowd to denounce him as Satan. An epic battle ensues, with Brady winning. Tebow dies and immediately ascends to heaven, unlike Jesus, who had to wait three days.
By Brendan
April 5: On the night NBC
airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”
June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.
march 22:
january 30: In a shock-
ing move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”
Less than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”
may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”
The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course—watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anythingbut-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time. At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it, either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a halfchub to a Rigid Richard in record time.
You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them. The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Boner-roo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.
A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.
2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise
reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.
september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.
November 6:
In his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I'm going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”
october 2: Less august 12: Dr.
Dre’s long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties the world over rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.
cd review
than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.
out now
Guided by voices Let’s Go Eat the Factory Guided by authenticity, these 90s badasses don’t disappoint.
Guided by Voices is somewhat of a cult band, and like most Hale-Bopp chasers, they’ve stayed perfectly underground. Comprised of five members, including lead man Robert Pollard, these indie rockers have been around for nearly two decades. After starting in the early 80s, the group disbanded in 2004, only to reunite in 2010. They had a slow start, playing the local scene in Dayton, Ohio (sweet airplane museum, bro!) while slowly building momentum through college rock stations. This was in 1992, and we can only truly imagine how sweet rock music was then – authentic plaid, shameless attitude, chain smoking, epic on-stage antics, etc. You know, before people tweeted every mistake celebrities did. It was awesome, we’re sure. Well, onto their newest work, Let’s Go Eat the Factory. Each song is short, perfect for our A.D.D. riddled generation. Not only that, but these sub-2 minute tunes are ideal for the first time listeners, who aren’t always anxious to commit to a 4-minute song, much less an entire album. It’s interesting, being unable to delve into a song. Instead, the album is experienced through different elements that turn a couple of guitar riffs and some singing into an actual song. There’s a lot of psychedelic noises and safe guitar progressions that can be built up and brought back down in 45 seconds. It’s kind of nice.
December 20:
The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
GRADE B-
The recording of this album is interesting too – it sounds kind of shitty… in a good way. Perhaps it was recorded in a homemade studio or maybe it got muffled during postproduction intentionally… It’s kind of like how kids these days use things like Instagram to make their high-def photos taken with a freakin’ phone look scratchy and discolored, because it’s “cool.” Maybe it’s because high-def photos are a little too nice for us, and the sepia toned, shadowed photos of our feet on a snowy train platform more accurately describe how we’re feeling. Hell, maybe GBV is releasing their latest work at just the right time. There isn’t a “catchy single” and this album isn’t “ambitious,” but it’s a perfect compilation of what they do best, which is just fine. They sound like a mix between Wilco, particularly circa early-2000s, and myriad 90s rock bands, like R.E.M. and Sonic Youth. Sure, these guys aren’t about to change their sound to fit into the 2010s (no bass drops, no sound effects, no Autotune), but for one of the last originals of the early 90s indie rock scene, they don’t need to be anything more. Sounds Like: Some average 90s rock. Download: God Loves Us, The Unsinkable Fats Domino Listen to it When: You’re feeling nostalgic, and somewhat rebellious.
UPCOMING RELEASES Ani Difranco - Which Side Are You On Bombay Bicycle Club - Different Kind of Fix
Lana Del Rey -Video Games Steve Aoki - Wonderland
Attack Attack! - This Means War Juvenile - Rejuvenation
Secrets - The Ascent The Internet - Purple Naked Ladies
The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents
2012 Prospectus
Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.
social life
+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.
SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________
work +2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.
WORK SCORE: ________
class
+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.
CLASS SCORE: ________
Now add up your score.
A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?
TOTAL SCORE: _____/100
15
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Kitchen Jokes: Will They Ever End?
We’re sure all you folks out there are familiar with the classic kitchen jokes, lightheartedly offensive quips about a woman’s place in the world. Oh, been stuck in the kitchen baking, unable to get out in the real world? Here’s a sample: Friend 1: Did you hear about the woman who got hit by the train? Whose fault do you think it was Friend 2: Ummmm…the woman’s?
M wrote this
Friend 1: No, it was the train’s! What was it doing in the kitchen? Friend 2: Oh, burn! Like Chinese people coming from China, women originate from the kitchen. Get it? Because women have always done the cooking and cleaning since the dawn of time. Hilarious, we know. Now don’t get us wrong, we’re usually all for poking fun at the fairer sex. We’re easy targets, and with the current state of the female celebrity line-up, how could one not make fun? And non-sociologically-inclined women usually laugh the matter off when hit with a gender joke. However, these “kitchen” jokes are starting to annoy. Sure, there may be hundreds - nay, thousands - of variations of said joke, but punch line is always the same, some half-baked “get back in there and make me a sandwich” gag that - if prepared in a kitchen - would have gone stale long ago. Can’t someone come up with something else to make fun of us about? This is like seeing Tiger Woods on the streets and asking him how his trunk full of mistresses is doing. It’s one of those, “been there, done that”
jokes. Gentlemen, there’s so much meaty material for you to pound us with, from general temperament to our obsession with trashy TV and trashier celebrisluts, to our gender-wide obsession with fashion. Instead you choose to pick the fruit that hangs lower than your grandpa’s balls. Besides, having a woman in the kitchen isn’t always the best idea. Have you ever tried cooking, actual non-Hot Pocket cooking? It’s hard. Many women, when put in such a heated environment, burn or overcook the food. Gasp! Maybe you should be saving your laugh-worthy kitchen jokes for someone who can actually bake a casserole that’s no laughing matter: Your mom. She’s the best cook on earth, right? Well, let her know you appreciate her with a well-timed kitchen joke. What, you don’t think that’ll go over too well with the woman who popped you out of her ladyparts? Then the joke’s probably not worth the breath you’re wasting on it. Then there’s the women, the Kim Kardashians and Snookis of the world, that don’t even know what a kitchen is. If you were to tell Snooki this article’s opening gag, she’d think you’re an originator of a line of “train jokes,” because she doesn’t understand gender stereotypes that don’t involve the overly phallic use of pickles. Just think twice before you hit us with the old “you belong in the kitchen because you’re a woman ha-haha” joke. If you must use them, try and at least be creative with it like this: If women dig a whole in the ground they’ll end up in the kitchen instead of China.” See how that presents geography-based humor, too? That’s how you do it, son.
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class tim e
the madlib:
the bookstore Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it.
14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment
class tim e
If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.
1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money 13) Feature
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