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Volume 6, Issue 2 2/9/12 - 2/28/12
al bowman for president Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
If you’ve been following politics as much as I haven’t, you already know one thing about this country—it sucks to suck. The housing market is bad or something, there are dirty people protesting in parks, and you have to give some of the money you make from that job you had to get (because your parents cut you off) to the government because they need to fix roads and build schools or something. The upcoming election could affect all of those things, and you need to know that you’re voting for a candidate that shares the same publicly-enraged-although-actually-uninterested-stance as you. Only one man can pull of such an amazing feat. Only one man is as interested in the nation as he is in you. That man, my fellow Americans, is Al Bowman. Now before I get into the technical details of why Bowman should be the 45th American President, I need to make sure you understand whom he’s running against. These are my findings after performing the long, scholarly research of skimming a random article about each candidate after Googling their names: Mitt Romney: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a rich dickhead AND his first name is something that I wear on my hands to keep them warm. Rick Santorum: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a rape-baby loving prick whose last name means something hilarious. Ron Paul: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s an old wizard. Newt Gingrich: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a sick-with-cancer-wifeleaving asshole. Barack Obama: Democrat. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a Democrat. As you can plainly see, each candidate has a major flaw far too large to leave him a reasonable option as President of the United States. That or they’re a wizard. We need a true Washington outsider, someone who has experience in making decisions we agree with and having a name that sounds American and is easy to spell. Al Bowman is just the man. Not only has Al Bowman never publically taken the stance that you disagree with on the abortion debate, but he is also free of bipartisan debates because he isn’t a member of either party. You don’t have to vote along the party line (unless it’s a conga one) when there’s no line to party, am I right? And speaking of parties, you want a president who knows how to throw one. I know enough people who have been to Al Bowman’s house to grossly exaggerate their stories, and that dude throws one hell of a party. I heard he once had a full scale automated Optimus Prime made entirely out of kegs at a party and he made sure everyone was safe by letting them crash on his 3-mile waterbed until they slept it off.
Other stuff
Inside
Body Language and Physical Contact A Guide to Not Missing Totally Obvious Signs - do you want to get laid, or what?
see page 4
If that’s not enough of a reason for you to vote for Al Bowman, think about it this way—his name is already President Bowman. You wouldn’t even have to remember a new name. It’d be as convenient as dating a girl with the same name as your ex so you don’t accidently call her by the wrong name. I’m not the only one who does that, right, Jessica? I…I mean Sandy? Plus, because he’s also black, you can’t be accused of being racist for voting for him instead of for Barack Obama. Hell, you could even claim he’s half-Chinese like Tiger Woods and seem even more racially accepting. No one’s going to look that shit up. I certainly didn’t. When it comes down to election time, remember your priorities. Do you want a president who is well informed about the complicated system of our government and has years of “experience,” or do you want a president that decided to give you the glory of a rock wall that’s in the new fitness center? I think we both know the answer to that one.
So You Think You’re Into the Academy Awards? Sucks to be A White Middle Class College Student so, quick question... why, exactly? see page 11
Life is so unfair, how could you max out dad’s credit card like that?
see page 12
02
Meet The Staff!
Table of
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The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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From the Streets
If Reggie Redbird had an alter ego ,what would it be? What would it do?
Sex, Values and Human Nature? More Like Boobs, Titties and Boobs!!!
Hah, we said “boobs.”
page 10 >>
Bartender of the Issue
page 11 >>
The Top Ten
Page 13 >>
The Taco Bell Challenge
Alex at Firehouse won’t cut your tab if you make out with him, but you should do it anyway.
Things Not to Get Your Girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. win or lose, you get to eat taco bell.
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pic of the week >>> want to win
a very harold and kumar christmas
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Follow Us On Twitter for Details! OUR BAD: Last issue we ran Samantha from Chasers as our bartender of the week. Turns out she's not a bartender, but a shot girl/ scheduler. So apologies to Chasers and to you, our readers.
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word of the week >>> herfuffle
Breast Icky El A Snare Enjoys Rhythm
submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.
Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.
04
Body language and physical contact:
A guide to not missing totally obvious signs!
sevin ketze wrote this It’s Valentine's Day season, and many of you will be spending your days desperately looking for somebody to shower with gifts, affection, and late-night sexts. Or maybe just hook up! Wooo! Now, let me tell you; the WORST feeling is knowing that you ignored somebody hot and awesome who was TOTALLY hitting on you, but you were too much of a dunderhead to notice. To help prevent this from ever happening to you, my friend Craig and I have taken it upon ourselves to demonstrate some of the clear signs that somebody might like you. Enjoy!
Nuzzling: When a guy comes up to you and starts rubbing his neck against yours, it's as if he's saying, "Hey, I really like you but can't find the words, but I CAN find your neck with my neck!” Eight times out of ten, he totally likes you. Woo-hoo!
Extended/frequent eye contact: I'm starting off with this one because it's the least reliable sign. Maybe he's looking at you because he thinks you're a fox, or maybe he's looking at you because you're following him home and he's looking over his shoulder and is starting to get freaked out. I wouldn't suggest using eye contact alone as any kind of credible proof, so keep an eye out for other signs.
Trying to breathe the air they exhale: So she's leaning in front of you and desperately trying to suck up your lung exhaust? Man, that's a pretty good sign. Especially if she's using her hands as scoops to try and get more of your precious, precious breath. Important note: it's possible that she's actually choking on something and is trying to get your attention. If you even slightly suspect that could be the case, it's best to play it safe. Hit her on the back as hard as you can, and continue until the food blockage is spit out. Congratulations, hero! You just saved a life! Don't worry, those three guys are just dragging you to the back alley to give you your trophy.
Sides touching, sitting down: This one isn't always a sure sign either, especially if the couch is packed full of people. But, if there's room to spare and she's still got her kneecap gingerly pressed against yours, then man, I can almost guarantee she is totally into you, and wants you to get into her. Heh, gross. Sides touching, standing up: This happens mostly during games of beer pong. You're lining up your shot, and your hip bumps against his, and he doesn't move. This is an excellent sign, because unlike when you're sitting on a couch, it's SUPER EASY to just shift slightly to the side. If he doesn't move, congratulations, and enjoy your ticket to pound town! Hand on chest: Seriously, what the fuck do you think this means? It’s like, “Hahahaha! Your joke is so funny, I'm about to fall over and need to use you for balance!” This is the girl equivalent of you awkwardly trying to put your hand on the small of her back. Would you ever do that to a girl you weren't trying to plow? Exactly. Act fast, before she realizes you're a total doofus and moves on.
Clinging to you and moaning softly: We've all been there: a pretty girl you met is climbing you like you're a tree, and you're thinking “Is this the signal? Is she trying to give me a signal? Damn you, womankind, WHY can't you just be more forward!” Trust me when I say that this is usually a false hint. The last time this happened to me, I tried to move in for a kiss and she was very confused and taken aback. “If I liked you, I would have bumped my hip against yours, you nincompoop!” Boy, was my face red! So, if you want to sleep in a cold bed at night, it’s best to pay heed to the advice given above. And ladies, if you’re at the Pub and someone does any of these things to you, hi, I’m Sevin.
From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
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“The only thing I can think of is Big Red-G, like the St. Louis Cardinals. He would be super cheery.” - Kelly E.
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SEX and the u
Sex, Values and Human Nature?
05
More like Boobs, Titties and Boobs
This semester I had two goals: knock out some gen-ed requirements, and knock up some bitches. Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, I found the perfect class to do it in. Sex, Values and Human Nature, also known as, “PSY HowthefuckshouldIknow” is about exactly what you’d think it is. That’s right: boobs. This is the classroom equivalent to the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies—just when you think it couldn’t possibly get any funnier, IT DOES. Oh yeah, boobies class. Right on the first day, Professor Whatshisface walked in front of the class, and started talking about people doing it. Just flat out. I’m not talking just regular, run-of-the-mill doing it either. He was talking about balls-to-the-wall, animal-mask-wearing, ten-ways doing it. And not all ten of those things are people. So I did what I did in any situation in which someone mentions boobs: I laughed until I wet myself. I don’t just mean a little trickle; I laughed until I was sitting in a pool of my own golden happiness. The professor paused to let me regain my composure and change my pants (I always keep a spare for just such occasions) before suggesting that we get it all out of our systems. He told everyone in the class to go around and take turns saying a dirty word, assuming that if we heard all the words in one day, there wouldn’t be any more awkward giggling for the remainder of the semester. I tried to keep calm, remembering when we did something similar in 8th grade health class. But then I remembered that 8th grade was when I first started carrying an extra pair of pants. My bladder trembled excitedly, in anticipation. He pointed to the girl in the first row. “Penis,” she said, all while
Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
somehow managing to keep a completely straight face. The professor then reminded the class that we didn’t have to use “technical” terms in the class, that we could just say whatever we were comfortable with, as long as it wasn’t offensive. He pointed to the boy next to her. The boy cleared his throat, spoke from his diaphragm, and released a loud, “pussy,” that echoed slightly in the lecture hall. I bit my lip, hastily scanning the room for the other people who found this as funny as it obviously is. Not even a smirk. I managed to hold back my laughter as the rest of the class said their words of choice. Tears formed in my eyes as I heard people say things like “twat,” “dong,” “wiener,” and “butthole.” My one moment of weakness was when the girl sitting two rows ahead of me said, “b-job.” I buried my face in my hoodie to muffle the sounds of my laughter, but everyone stared anyway, seemingly oblivious to the ensuing hilarity. Then he pointed to me and it dawned on me that I hadn’t thought of a word to say. I had been too busy containing my laughter to dedicate time to thinking of my own word. My eyes dried up, my palms got sweaty, and looking across the room, I could tell no one had any sympathy for the kid who had been quietly snickering the entire time. I opened my mouth and the sound escaped without a thought. “Tittyknock-haha-hahahahaha-HHAHAHAHA! TITTIES!” I awoke in a pool of my own urine thirty minutes later. The lecture hall was empty and my wallet was missing. But how could I not laugh at the word titties!? I mean c’mon!
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Bartender
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Alex Albers
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Firehouse pizza an
Age: 24 Relationship status: Taken Major: Marketing Go to drink/shot: Irish Car Bombs…all day What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? Lil Jon. Just to see if he still says “Yeaaaaah!” Theme song of your life: “Gotham City” by R. Kelly Favorite food at Firehouse Pizza: The B.L.T. pizza. It’s like sex on dough Favorite Sex Position: Dumpster diving What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job? A drunken sorority girl with a little throw up in her hair said, “If I kwees you, do I gotta steel pay?” What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? I’m not into Disney. So probably Jessica Rabbit What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? All the stuff that drunk
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sorority girls do If you could create a holiday, what would it be? HoliDAY? If I could create something it would be a holiWEEK. Paid vacation for everyone that week If you could have any superpower, what would it be? The power to have all powers! Why be invisible when you can teleport, fly and burn things with your eyes? Do you prefer granny panties/thong/ commando? I keep it classy with long johns! What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you? I knew she wasn’t Santa Claus by Kindergarten. But I pretended to not know for the next five years How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight? At least 7.5? They are intense little creatures
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THe top ten
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Things Not To Get Your Girlfriend For Valentine’s Day 10) A (Giant) Teddy Bear: There’s no possible way that you can’t think of anything better. She’ll appreciate a bag of Doritos more than a teddy bear. The bigger the teddy bear, the more likely you’re going to have to sit on the floor while watching The Notebook. 9) New Soap: Regardless of whether you by her some fancy-schmancy soap or you raid the dollar section at Wal-Mart for dollar soap that smells like apples, she’s not going to like the fact that you’ve chosen a new scent for her. It’s like telling her, “Hey! You smell good, but there’s always a chance to smell great!”
so you think you're into the academy awards?
issac wrote this
Do you have a blog about what movies you think may be “Oscar-worthy” that only you and your mom read? Do you see every movie that comes out, hoping to culture yourself, but instead just become horribly antisocial and dead to society? Do you know all the employees at your local theatre by first name, last name, blood type, social security number, and nipple color? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, what the hell is wrong with you? You must be into the Academy Awards. Let’s start with the idea of the Academy Awards. Movies come out, we see them, and we whisper to our friends and family about how much we liked/didn’t like these movies. Admit it; we all saw Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked… What? You didn’t see it? Oh dude, it’s hilarious, you should definitely check it out. There are girl chipmunks in paradise and they’re sooooo…
though? I don’t have a good answer for that question. And then there’s the part where people actually complain about the nominations. There’s practically outrage over the snubbing of some actors and movies from the nominees lists. People care that Drive, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and Shame didn’t get Best Picture nods. Why? Someone out there feels like Jack and Jill deserved something, what with the pristine and heart-wrenching acting displayed by Adam Sandler, and the ability for him to act as both man and woman, while still maintaining a deadpan comedy style that is reminiscent of the Laurel and Hardy days. See that argument? In that light how could it not have been nominated for best picture? Shit, give the film a Nobel Peace Prize.
"who cares how much rich dudes like smelling their own farts?"
Anyways, that’s beside the point. Week in and week out the general populace sees these movies and then we judge them ourselves. If America were only into Academy Awardworthy movies, movie theatres would only be open for like two months during “Oscar season” and we’d all read reviews to see what movie to see. The point is, that The Academy Awards for 2012 are finally announced, and we’re all anticipating the ceremony. But why? Why give a shit? Who cares how much rich dudes like smelling their own farts? For example, why does anyone our age care that Billy Crystal is hosting the show this year? He was last relevant before many of us were born. This will be his 102nd time hosting, and he’s really excited for it, because he can finally afford another ham sandwich. Yes, he may be old, but he’ll undoubtedly be better than the unbearable Anne Hathaway and James Franco duo from last year. A bad host can really make a difference. The bad jokes, the bad set ups, it’s all just really unnecessary. But here I am talking about it. Why,
Enough about Adam Sandler, though. Let’s talk about a movie that is nominated. A lot of people are outraged that Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is nominated for best picture. Frankly, I don’t understand their frustration. It’s a beautiful picture that’s completely original! I mean how many “father dies”, “9/11”, “boy on a mission”, “sad holiday movie” movies have you seen? None! That’s how many. Hate this nomination? Care at all? Then the terrorists have won, people! How about this, get upset about the lead role nominations? Give Rooney Mara a prosthetic dick, have her play a male character with difficult dialogue (grunting and acting manly); it’s very difficult! Toss her a Best Actor nod to break some gender roles, or to just have the things be relevant. If Sandler can make it look easy, then she should be growing facial hair as we speak. So where will you be on February 26th? Still recovering from The Giants victory over The Patriots? Well make sure you tune in to the Academy Awards if you’re like…not doing anything. It’s good for a lark.
8) A Red Swingline Stapler: So, we’ve all seen Office Space and understand that anytime we see a red Swingline stapler anywhere, that means Milton is within ten feet of it. Don’t get her one of these bad boys. Why? Because Office Space is one of the bromance bonding movies, and a bromantic night is what you’re looking for on Valentine’s Day. 7) A Shark Tank: Dude, I totally get it. You’re loaded because your parents ran out of room in their pockets to keep their money so they gave it to you but that doesn’t mean you need to get her ridiculous things, especially a shark tank. This is a perfect example of what she didn’t mean when she told you she wanted to spice things up in your relationship. 6) A Gift Certificate To The Alamo II or Barnes and Noble: You’re about a month and a half too late on this one, buddy. She could’ve used this at the beginning of the semester but no, her dick of a boyfriend gave it to her at the wrong time and now Valentine’s Day has turned into one giant reminder that her new best friends Biology and Communications 101 drained her bank account. 5) A Copy of “How To Flirt For Dummies”: Okay, maybe you’re feeling that your relationship is getting to be kinda dry, but Valentine’s Day isn’t the time to let your lady know that. If you’re dead-set on doing this, order the book in French, that way it’ll take her a while to understand what the book actually is. 4) Your Favorite CD of A Band That Only You Like: I know your plan exactly. “Oh! Weird! I totally thought you liked Slayer! What? So you don’t like Slayer? I’m so sorry! Well shit, since you’re probably just going to use the CD case to snort cocaine, do you think I could get the CD inside it first? It turns out that I’ve been DYING to get this CD. Luv ya!” 3) A Loaf of Bread And A Pound Of Your Favorite Deli Meat: Nothing says, “I love you” quite like, “make a sammich, woman!” She won’t find this to be even the slightest bit as funny as you do right now. Just don’t do it. 2) An I.O.U. Card: The worst thing you could ever get as a gift is something that says, “Maybe if we’re still dating next year, babe, I’ll get you something twice as awesome... If you do end up doing this, maybe an I.O.U.A.A. card while you’re at it (I Owe You An Apology). 1) Adopt-a-Manatee: We lied when we said that the worst thing you could ever get her is an I.O.U. card. Well, it turns out that there’s something out there that’s way worse. For $25 you get an adoption certificate, a membership handbook, and a subscription to the monthly newsletter, “The Manatee Zone.” But hey, at least you’re newly-single!
Will Holloman wrote this
the entertainment page
oscar-baiting
cd review
On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.
The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!
Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a downand-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.
The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.
The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a primand-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.
Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.
of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers.
GRADE B-
Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood.
and one of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay.
Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something.
This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick.
Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs,
Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.
out now
The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.
Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming. Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.
War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.
UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home
Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions
The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void
Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune
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Beat The Black Sheep:
The Taco Bell Challenge
Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan
The Challenge
How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?
TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.
TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.
The Prediction
I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.
The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a co-worker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.
Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)
time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds
Are You In?
Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.
The Aftermath
Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.
Don’t Believe Us?
Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.
seek and find
Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain't your mama's messy dorm room, so good luck, bro.
Send us an email at games@theblacksheeponline.com showing us or telling us where everything is, and we may just give you some lovin'.
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It sure does suck to be a white middle class college student Sevin Ketze wrote this Life is just the worst! Agggh! Seriously, the shit I have to deal with, you wouldn't even believe. I would not be surprised, at all, if I were ranked “unluckiest person ever” by whatever magazine would do something like that, I dunno, I HATE reading. Anyway, here's a short list of some of the garbage that's happened to me in the past couple weeks. The video game I bought for $5 on Steam has DRM: Fuck this! I wait forever for it to go on sale and then I can't even play it, without jumping through hoop after hoop? First, I had to enter a product code. Then, I had to wait for like EVER while it verified it online! I mean, come on! I paid for the game, let me play it! You know? The McChicken I got had lettuce on it even though I DEFINITELY said “no lettuce” and it even came up on the little drive-through screen: Do you want me to starve? Seriously, how am I supposed to eat this? Gross! When I end up in the hospital from malnutrition, I'm going to take you to court and win your whole goddamn company. I received the law merit badge when I was in scouts, you deaf sacks of shit, so you better lawyer up, 'cause I'm bringing the best… Me! My allegedly “wrinkle free” khakis are wrinkled: Oh, so you want to get sued too, Dockers? More like Dickers. Hah! You think I have time to iron? Shoot, I don't even have time to fold my pants before I stuff them into the drawer, which is exactly why I got wrinkle free pants in the first place. Oh, and your “liquid repeller” claim? Well, thanks to your bullshit teflon coating, the Jäger I spilled on myself rolled off my leg and ended up on the ground. So now you owe me
a new carpet. Nobody at the bar is cute enough: Alright bro, maybe your standards have plummeted low enough to talk to a girl who doesn't wear name brands, but I hold myself to a higher standard. Unlike yourself, who is looking to just “hook up,” I'm trying to get drunk and bang somebody who could end up being my future wife, and I need to make sure she has enough money to take care of me. It's called maturity. Microsoft Bing it. The checkout line is literally forever long: Ugh. Ughhh. I just wanna go hooooome! I did not choose to be born in America so that I could wait in line, alright? And I can't even get signal on my iPhone to text my friends about how much this sucks. Are you—seriously?! The dick in front of me is paying with food stamps. Get a job! Some of us actually have parents who work for a living, you bum! I'm getting free surgery through my dad's health insurance and I can't eat anything for the whole day before: F. M. L. If there is a god, he is spending literally all of his time trying to figure out how to screw me over. Seriously, what's with everybody trying to starve me? First the lettuce, then this? I bet this is part of Obamacare. Trying to starve all the smart people to death so that all will remain are stupid drones that listen to his Muslim terrorist socialist communist socialist bullshit. I'm onto you, Barack Obama, if that’s even your name.
DAILY SPECIALS $2 Any Bomb / $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS DJ VAMPS @ 10PM
FRIDAY
$3 16oz VODKA/ENERGY & WELLS $3 ANY BOMB / $3 MILLER/COORS BOTTLES & PINTS | DJ @ 10pm
SATURDAY
$3 16oz WELLS / $3 ANY BOMB $3 BUD FAMILY BOTTLES & PINTS DJ @ 10pm
Life is so unfair! Can we vote this dickhead God out of office or something? This is America!
spend fat tuesday
at fat jacks!
SUNDAY
Fat Tuesday is
MONDAY
Live Music from Prairieland Dixie Jazz Band 7-10pm
$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE FREE Jukebox & Bags
THURSDAY .75 CENT WELL DRINKS
I almost died during surgery: Oh, I guess they're just letting anybody into med school now, huh? Did you learn anatomy on a blow-up doll? Hey, don't try to pin this on me for eating before the surgery, alright? I'm a Republican. Your Obamacare rules don't apply to me. I didn’t vote for him, he’s not my president! Seriously, you should have just let me die, because I'm suing you too.
$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE
TUESDAY
$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE Live Music with Kyle Yap 10-1am
WEDNESDAY
$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE Karaoke / DJ 10-1am
DRIFTERS PUB // 612 N. Main St / Bloomington, IL SUN - THURS 5pm - 1am / FRI & SAT 5pm - 2am
February 21, 2012
DJ Brainstorm @ 10pm $3 Pints and Bacardi Hurricanes
Serving Muffalettas, Po-Boys, Gumbo & Jambalaya! 511 N Main St. • Bloomington • 309.821.9222 • fatjacksinc.net
class tim e
m.a.s.h
tally
box
what does your future hold?
Husband • Jon Stewart • John Goodman • Johnny Depp • Zombie John Wayne Gacy Wife • Ashley Tisdale • Ashley Judd • Ashley Olsen • Ashy Larry
Met At • Court-ordered community service • Westboro Baptist Church protest • Disco Lovers Anonymous meeting • The champagne room
Date Night Movie of Choice • Weekend at Bernie’s 2 • Gigli • Weapons of Ass Destruction 4 • Schindler’s List
First Child’s Name • Destiny Favorite Hobby • Nebuchadnezzar • Tandem peeping Tom • Choreographed butchery • Dipshit • Amateur casket building • Krystal • Self-righteous indignation
Theme Wedding • Pirates of the Buttibbean • Kris and Kim Take Two • Our Love Is Deeper Than Our Cuts (Emo) • Threesome With Jesus Housepet • Giant cockroach • Wild boar • Gimp • Primordial ooze
class tim e WE’VE GOT THE PERFECT MATCH! ONE BEDROOMS • TWO BEDROOMS • THREE BEDROOMS • FOUR+ DROOMS BE U HO S T E EN S • LUXURY SUITES • FRATERNITY &AND SO STUD RORITY HOUSES
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