IL State - 3/22/12 - v02i04 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 4 3/22/12 -4/12/12

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free kony?! alright! Mitch Vaginapun wrote this

There’s no point in my day in which I am hungrier or more bored than my 11a.m. math class. I logged onto my Facebook in the middle of class the other day and all I saw were posts about “Invisible Children” and “Joseph Kony.” Now, I don’t know anything about all this Twilight and Harry Potter bibiddy-babble, so I just dismissed the first part as being a side effect of my only being friends with 15-year-old girls on Facebook. The second part caught my eye, though. I leaned over to the girl next to me - let’s call her Biggie McD-Cups—and asked about all these, “Konys,” curious as to whether or not there was some sort of delicious meat giveaway. She stared at me dumbfounded, “Surely you mustard of him by now,” McD said. She piqued not only my curiosity…but my hunger as well. If they’re letting you put free condiments on this Kony, this was certainly not something that I could let myself miss out on. “How do we get ‘Kony’?” I asked her, “Is it free?” “He’s free now, but we’re going to make him pay.” Shit. A limited time only offer. Now I understood why people were so excited about it. Thankfully, everyone posted statuses about it to keep me informed, otherwise I would have had to settle for eating at Southside again. “Free ‘Konys’ sound great,” I said, “Why would we want anyone to pay?” She called me a fascist pig and turned around. While I prefer all beef franks, I’ll still get excited by the idea of any meat at all, regardless of how it rules its people. With that lead dead, I turned to my other side to see if anyone else knew how I could get some free eats. “Hey, do you know what the deal with this ‘Kony’ thing is?” I asked. He responded by saying I needed to 'ketchup' with the times. “I don’t like ketchup,” I told him, “It just masks the great natural flavor of a Kony.” He called me a sicko and gave me a lecture about child soldiers

Other stuff

Inside

and some other not-tasty bullshit. “I don’t understand,” I pleaded, “There’s nothing not to love about a free ‘Kony’!” His eyes went bloodshot. He screamed about Invisible Children, and when I yelled back that Harry Potter sucks he just got even angrier. He screamed about liberation, slavery, rape and murder, but nothing about Harry Potter, ironically. Weird. I must need to watch the movies again, because I DEFINITELY missed out on the rape scene. Or maybe that part is only in the book…and man, screw reading. But anyway, I told him I just wanted some free food. He yelled that bad things had just recently

The Illinois State Student Diet

started happening in Africa and that watching a 30-minute YouTube video and liking a status made him into the activist that stood right before me. I cried, desperately telling him that I just wanted a free ‘Kony,’ while also desperately trying to find this activist he was talking about. He explained that Kony was a dictator, not a delicious variety of hot dog. He yelled, “I’m really going to relish this,” before he swung at me. I blacked out. I woke up in the forest five hours later, chewing on what little I hadn’t eaten off of his arm. Looks like I never got my free hot dog—or did I?

ISU’s Emerging Cliques

Friend-Zoned by Winter

How to survive off of eating your peers, or something like that.

last year you told me you would never leave!

Who you should plan on mocking in 2012.

see page 5

see page 7

see page 11

Table of

PAGE 4>>

contents

Don’t worry, this article is totally racist.

Why You Shouldn’t Play Basketball at the Rec

PAGE 4 >>

From ‘Da Streets

page 10 >>

Bartender of the Issue

page 11 >>

The Top Ten

Page 15 >>

Suddenly a Celebrity

If you could fight anyone dead or alive, who would it be and why?

Mike from Medici wants you to try his creamy white shot.

Things You Shouldn’t Buy Used.

The Story of A Now-World-Famous The Black Sheep Writer

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If you could fight anyone dead or alive, who would it be and why? "I'd wanna fight George Washington because I've always wanted to punch wooden teeth." - Blandy, Senior

Why You Shouldn’t Play Basketball at the Rec

Mitch Vaginapun wrote this

Once March rolled around I decided to get some last-minute body buffing in before I strutted my stuff on the beaches during spring break. I knew all the guys in the free weight area already knew how ripped I was, so I decided to venture into a new, unexplored area of the rec: the gym. Initially I was expecting it to be lined wall-to-wall with hotties waiting to stare at my biceps, but when I got there I only saw a few girls, and they definitely weren’t hotties. To my dismay, I only saw one thing—basketballs. It shattered my selfesteem like it was the backboard in NBA Jam. I thought basketball would be like everything else I’ve ever encountered in life. I thought I would just approach it after having never talked to it and either be really fantastic at it or have sex with it, which I am really fantastic at. I miss those simple, carefree days now. I walked in and was asked if I wanted to play some 5-on-5. That’s about as high as I can count, so I said yes, assuming that I wouldn’t get forever shamed.

then I threw up again because I thought about fat people. A teammate got the ball all the way down to the other end of the court in about 5 seconds. I showed up about 10 seconds later and someone passed me the ball. I froze. My throat began to close under the pressure. I summoned all of my courage and put up a shot. It was blocked, stuffed directly back into my face. I fell onto the floor but quickly stood up again, covering my face to hide my weeping. A 90-pound girl called me a pussy and pushed up against me as she ran down the court. Why did she do that? Didn’t she see how big my muscles are? I’m buff, dammit! Why don’t people acknowledge how great I am?!

"initially i was expecting it to be lined wall-to-wall with hotties waiting to stare at my biceps."

I put up ten or so shots while everyone was warming up, one went in. “Good,” I thought, “I’m amazing at this. By the end of the day, I won’t be crying myself to sleep.” When the game started, they passed me the ball. I threw the ball from half court and didn’t even hit the backboard. My teammates glared, some even laughed. I shook off the embarrassment and got on defense. The guy I was covering blew right past me. I tried sprinting to overtake him, but he just threw the ball in over my head. I threw up; I threw up like one of the fat asses I used to make fun of in gym class. And

"Hugh Hefner, because Playboy is awful and he's a woman hater." - Theresa, Junior

I stuck to the outside for the rest of the game, passing the ball as soon as it was passed to me. This got me through most of the game. Until the end. I was the lone person by the basket when a 7-foot guy who had been nailing threes all night looked at me and screamed, “Move or I will dunk over you!” I desperately pleaded with him, pointing out that dunking isn’t allowed, pointing to the words, “NO DUNKING” on the backboard. He dunked over me; his legs knocked the wind out of me as we collided. He landed over my coughing body and caught the “NO” from the backboard as they fell from the force of his dunk. He dropped them on me and spit in my face. For the love of God, don’t play basketball at the rec. It will shatter you self-esteem, your soul, and half of your pelvis.

"My brother, because I'm finally taller than him." - Ciera, Freshman

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The Illinois state student Diet jeremy wrote this

You ever hear all these douchebags around campus talking about the Atkins or South Beach diets? You know, those diets that are painful to go through and rarely yield results? I’m really sick of trying them, because they’re just not fun. When you took your mom on the tour of Watterson Dining Commons you probably showed her all the salads and fruits they offer to make her feel good, but is that really what you eat? Of course not. But you can’t possibly expect to lose weight eating nothing but General Tso's chicken and cheeseburgers...can you? WRONG! I'm gonna show you how you can, in fact, eat whatever you want and still lose weight.

party with lots and lots of beer. Make sure you wear your fanciest fratting attire: a torn, sleeveless XXL shirt, those super-dope plastic neon sunglasses, a hat with the big sticker on the bill...you know the deal. Once you're there, go straight to the keg.

“Impossible!” you say? “Absolutely ridiculous!” you proclaim? “You must be smoking crack or drunk off your ass or possibly both to believe that eating whatever the hell you want could somehow possibly lead to losing weight!” you somehow manage to yell in one breath? Well, normally you'd be right, if not for a fantastic twist in my program. Let me walk you through the steps that will lead to the slim new you!

Step 4: Barf! Surprise! The secret is barf! What a fun twist! Maybe I should have told you earlier, but there's no turning back now. Just walk those fingers to the back of your throat, or jump up and down a bunch, Whatever you gotta do, just do it! It’s gonna be great, trust me! After it's done, you’ll be a brand new man, with huge rippling muscles and a 6-pack! Wait, no, let me rephrase...you'll still be genetically the same man, but...how do I say...less awful to look at? Yeah, that works.

Step 1: Eat whatever the hell you want. This is the easy part. Just eat anything and everything your heart desires. Chicken, brownies, napkins, who cares! Just shovel it all in your mouth! Make sure to not sit with anyone, either...your friend's food will deprive you of valuable table space. And in case sitting alone makes you feel selfconscious, just tell passers-by that “I am CHOOSING to eat alone for the sake of my diet, I have plenty of friends, fuck you!” That should clear up any confusion. Step 2: Leave the dining center and go out to a party. I don’t care where you go, just find any old frat

Step 3: Get drunk. When I say get drunk, I don’t mean, “Oh gee I’m kind of tipsy, I better leave!” I mean drunk enough to make you try and smash a full can of beer on your face. All that alcohol will mix with all the food in your stomach nicely, creating a smooth slurry and getting you nice and primed for phase four.

Don’t believe this diet actually works? Screw you, buddy! I thought you trusted me! But anyway, here’s some expert testimonial to prove the diet works: “Yeah dude, it totally works.”-Student There you have it! Just four simple steps and you’ll be on your way to a new you! You can thank me by sending $1 and a before and after picture to theblacksheeponline.com to show us how you’re enjoying your new and improved body! Oh, and please make sure to wipe any puke off of the envelope before sending it. Happy eating!

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friend-zoned by winter jeremy wrote this It was the fall semester of 2010, and I was a freshman here at Illinois State. A friend of mine had told me about Winter in BloNo, about how wondrous and peaceful it can be, but also how dreadfully awful it can become. He even mentioned something about how sexy it was...I had no idea. When the Snowpocalypse hit, I was overrun with a gamut of emotions ranging from fear to joy; the feeling was indescribable. No one could leave their houses and everyone was cold, and it looked like Winter was here for good. I couldn’t believe the joy I had in my heart! I immediately went out and bought everything Winter needed. I got a brand new coat, long underwear, skis, a sled, and even those things that you put your hands in to make them warm. What do you call those...gl...gloovez? I spoiled myself for Snopocalypse, and it was incredible. But things change. Soon, Spring was in my arms and I forgot all about Winter. I went on with school and enjoyed Spring's loveliness, what with the blooming flowers and scampering squirrels, and it was totally beautiful and stuff. After Spring came a boring time with Summer (being with Summer just involved too much work), and before I knew it, school was starting. The first few months of Fall semester went off without a hitch. Eventually leaves started falling and the air got colder and I thought Winter would soon be upon me…but something felt different. Something about 2011 didn’t feel the same as 2010’s Winter. It was just…odd.

Finals came and went, and I found myself in late December, and yet I hadn’t even seen the first snowflake on the ground. Something was up. I called my buddy up in Fargo just to see how the weather was up there. “Ey buddy, how’re ya?” “Real good. Say, what’s the weather like up there in Fargo?” “Oh ya, it’s comin’ down real good up here. I'm preparin’ for a LOOONG Winter, if ya know what I’m sayin’. Aahaha!” I hung up the phone abruptly. What was Winter doing up there in Fargo? Didn’t it care about me and my new coat and new skis? Just then I had a sudden realization: I had been friendzoned by Winter. She was just passing me by, like I was just another one of her chumps. But I was in love with her! How could she do this to me? Was I too forward? Was I too nice? She needed me! Everybody else was pissed off at her, I was the only person who supported her! Winter is a bitch, that’s for sure. Hell, I don’t even need her anymore. I have Spring and Summer, the two biggest sluts in Ameri- aaaahhhh who am I kidding? I want you back, Winter! You were my everything! I promise I won’t pee on you like I did that one time. I thought you were into that! I can’t go back to girls in Soffe shorts and douchebags

in sleeveless Nike t-shirts! I need those Northface jackets and yoga pants! Come on, don’t do this to me, Winter! We can work it out! But it's too late…It’s almost April now, and she’s not coming back. Not for another year, anyways. I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. Well hey, at least summer has the most exciting sport of all time: Baseball! And Winter has the three most boring sports of all time: basketball, football, and hockey. Agh, who am I kidding. Damn you Winter and your sojourning ways! Next time you guys fall in love with a season, you best watch yourself. All she'll do is use you for your compliments and your car, then go off to England or Russia for the rest of the year. It’s ridiculous.

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Issue Major: Mass Communication What type of undies do you prefer: Boxer briefs. I like support and comfort. Theme song of your life: Anything by The Doors—screw just one song. Porn name: Joe Cherrywood

Mike Gotgschall medici

Favorite sex position: Typically I like whatever pleases the woman, but my personal favorite is the twoseater (like a tandem bike). If you could name a shot what would it be: I named a shot in response to the most-ordered drink (Safe Sex with Chuck). It’s called

drinking game:

the vegetable game

You say “potato,” I say “po-tah-to.” You say “tomato” I say “to-mah-to.” What do you mean neither of those things are vegetables? They’re certainly not fruit, and by our count, you can’t hunt either for sport. What You Need: Suds and buds, man. Number of Players: At least three. But you should consult the food pyramid, just to be safe. Intoxication Level: Your puke is gonna look like one big Bloody Mary. How to Play: -Before the game begins each person is assigned a vegetable. This vegetable is now that player’s name for the duration of the game. -During no point in the game is a player allowed to show his or her teeth. -If a player exposes his or her teeth, the round ends and that player must drink. -The game begins with one player citing their own vegetable name, pointing at and calling on another player to act. For example, “Broccoli calls on pepper!” -In this case, pepper would then announce themselves, then point at and call on another player. For example, “Pepper calls on asparagus!” -This continues until a player calls someone they point at by the wrong name, or until a player does not respond correctly when called upon. -The loser drinks. The Game Ends When: You start squeezing someone, hoping to turn them into potato vodka.

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Mike’s Creamy White Shot. One night a girl wrote on her receipt, “Can’t wait to try the real thing.” What is your go-to drink: Whiskey - More specifically, Glenlivet. Why Medici?: We have the best beer selection and I make a fuckin’ amazing martini. What Disney character do you most want to hook up with: Sleeping Beauty— maybe she’ll go back to bed after. What’s the worst thing you’ve seen on the job: A middle-aged woman

covered in her own puke, piss and shit; she wasn’t in the bathroom. A female bartender had to strip the woman naked, wash her clothes in the bathroom sink and re-dress her. The clothes were wet, but at least she didn’t have to walk around in her bodily fluids. If you could have any superpower, what would it be: I would be Superman and have it all. Right now, you could be giving me a show if I had the X-ray vision. Favorite song to karaoke: James Ingram or some 70’s soul.

recipe for disaster:

waffle burger For many, waffles are the preferred breakfast item for a variety of reasons: The syrup basins, the crunch, the texture. At the same time, the hamburger is the quintessential American sandwich, packed with calories and heart disease in equal measure. By our powers combined! What You’ll Need: 1lb. ground beef, Eggo waffles, condiments. Cook Time: 8-10 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll waffle between going to the gym and taking another nap. Let’s Get Baked: -Form the meat into ¼ pound patties. Add seasoning as desired. -Begin cooking meat. (We recommend using a George Foreman Grill, as grilling or griddling can start fires when you’re…inebriated.) -When the meat is 2 minutes from being done, throw two Eggos into the toaster. -When Eggos are fully toasted, remove and slather with the condiments of your choice. -For a breakfast-style sandwich, we recommend maple syrup and butter. Maybe a microwavable hash brown if you’re feeling lucky. -For a dinner sandwich, add ketchup, cheese, you know, stuff you’d put on a hamburger. Oh yeah, that hits the spot. It’s like a McGriddle evolved into something that was actually meant for human consumption.

THe top ten

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Things You Shouldn't Buy Used So, you just got back from spring break and the same Mexican drug cartel robbed you one too many times. Now you’re completely broke. Whatever you do, don’t try and cut these corners. 10) Tires: Man, driving to and from Europe takes forever. And I bet after all those crappy roads your tires were really worn down, so it’s about time to replace them. Interested in buying some used tires? They were jacked from some stolen ’88 Volvo, and they’re balder than your grandpa. 9) Light Bulbs: You know in cartoons when a light bulb glows over someone’s head when they have a good idea? And know how it doesn’t turn on when it’s a bad idea? That’s a pretty accurate representation of buying used light bulbs.

isu's emerging cliques

sevin ketze wrote this

Most of us are familiar with the standard cliques: the popular kids, the jocks, the goths, the theatre kids, the computer geeks, the artists...the list goes on and on. But what happens when the popular kids get to school and they find out it's hard to get 20,000 people to worship them? What happens when the goths realize that life isn't so shitty after all? They take charge and form new cliques! What better way to show the world you're unique than to hang out with a group of people who are exactly like you? Uniqueness in numbers, that's what I always say! Here's a short list of emerging cliques I've spotted around campus. The Facebook activists: These brave heroes have answered the call to single-handedly save the world. Whether by donating $10 every Christmas to the ASPCA or by volunteering to serve a meal at a soup kitchen and then posting 200 pictures of the event to Facebook (<3*~sAvInG tHe WoRlD oNe tRaY oF FoOd aT A tImE!~*<3), there is no limit to the work they will do, as long as it's not over an hour a week. Now, don't get me wrong, community service is great and it's something everybody should do (woooo join ΑΦΩ wooo!), but if you spend more time talking and posting about volunteering than you do actually volunteering, it's pretty hard to argue that you're anything but a douchebag. Italian girls who are really, really into being Italian: For a long time, Italians have been a key player in the “my nationality makes me better than you” club, nestled closely alongside the Polish, French, and North Koreans. A few girls take it upon themselves to be the flag-waving bannerwomen of Italian pride. “ITALIA” track jackets. Mini-Sutter-Home bottles of red wine in their giant tote-bags. Laughing in public as loud as they possibly can so that the whole world can see how great it is to be Italian. Let me tell you, one of the most entertaining things you can do is to take a proud Italian girl to Avanti’s, and watch how they try and prove their Italian worth by shitting on how unauthentic the place is, and by over-pronouncing the names of their meals. Nine times out of ten, they'll feel obligated to take you to a truly authentic Italian restaurant within the next month. Once you're there, strap on a helmet and drop this line: “Wow,

this pizza bread is a pretty good take on Avanti’s recipe.” Hipsters who insist they're not hipsters: I know what you're thinking: “Every hipster is like that, you knucklehead!” That might be true, but there's a growing sub-group of hipsters who are even more opposed to their clique title. They're never the most hardcore of hipsters. Their bikes can change gears. Their v-neck isn't that deep. They only wear their prescriptionless Urban Outfitters sunglasses on special occasions. And although they vehemently deny that they're hipsters, these guys are actually pretty nice and goodnatured about it. “Hahaha, you guys are crazy! So I have a bunch of buttons on my shoulder bag, that doesn't mean I'm a hipster! Hahaha! Now come on, gang, let's go shop around at The Garlic Press!” Bros with benefits: This tight-knit group of male friends has finally discovered the secret to female seduction: hitting the dance floor with your best dude friends and grinding all up on each other. What better way to show a girl the sexy moves you're gonna put on her later than by showcasing them on the dance floor in a septuple-decker manwich? Seriously, I just don't understand why they think this works. Oh wait, maybe because it fucking DOES WORK, and that blows my mind. I've seen group after group of bros head into the dance floor, jokingly dance with each other while they laugh about it and make a big scene, and watch the women (extremely drunk and fairly trashy women, but women nonetheless) flock to them like hotcakes. That simile doesn't make sense, I know, but neither does the fact that this ACTUALLY WORKS. I guess I don't have much negative to say about these guys. Well done, pioneers. This school has like 20,000 students and there's definitely a slew of sub-sub-cliques that I've never encountered. If you have any suggestions for cliques I can write about next time, shoot me an email at kesetze@ilstu.edu. I'll put your name in the article, hook you up with some cool The Black Sheep crap (I'm like 90% sure I can do that), and I'll even sext you on the weekends when you're back at home after striking out.

8) Toothpaste: You’d think this one would be common sense, but no. If your buddy tells you, “Hey man, I know you’re trying to save money and all that so I’ll help you out and sell you my used tube of toothpaste! It’s pretty much full!” Be sure to take notice of the fact that he didn’t specify what it was full of. 7) Q-Tips: So that same generous friend that offered to sell you his toothpaste presented you with another brilliant offer. “Dude, so just give me like a dollar or something and when I finish with a q-tip I’ll put it back in the box and after about a week of using them, I’ll give you the box for you to use. It’s only spreading earwax man, not the bird flu!” 6) Silverware: So, you’re at the thrift store shopping for some new silverware because someone took all yours while you were in PCB. You stumble upon a great deal, as you sort through the knives as you think to yourself, “Hmmm…which one of these was used as the murder weapon?” 5) Peanut Butter: No! Don’t let the Wal-Mart clearance section fool you! That’s DEFINITELY not peanut butter! Your friend that sold you the toothpaste did this! But wait a second; what the hell is a grocery store doing with a clearance section anyway? 4) Bed Sheets: Back to the thrift store, this time it’s for bed sheets. You’ve come to terms with yourself and decided that you can clean the murder weapon silverware, but now there’s another dilemma. Do you buy the used bed sheets that someone may, or may not, have been murdered on? Would you be able to sleep at night? 3) Syringes: Oh boy! Your heroin dealer was super nice to you today and gave you a great deal for your fix. He must’ve been hit by spring break pretty hard too! But wait, the deal gets better! If you complete your order within the next five minutes, he’ll throw in some of his old syringes. What a guy! 2) Plane Tickets: Dude, I get it. The guy you met in the dark alley showed his face and he was very nice and all and he ever used his first name, and he asked to take his ticket and a package. Looks like a one-way trip to Guantanamo. 1) Tape: If you’re thinking about buying used tape, you’re having a really hard time holding it together. ZING!

Will Holloman wrote this

Welcome to Keeping Up With The Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore, the show that has your favorite bitches, morons, douchebags and idiots from America’s scummiest reality TV shows! These contestants are vying to win the only truly important prize: their lives! Let’s see what these dolts are made of!

THE CAST: Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio (The Real World) Dani and Gabi Victor (Bad Girls Club) Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola (The Jersey Shore) Kendall Jenner (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)

WEEK 3 The Outcome: Unsurprisingly, Abby Lee Miller leads this challenge, as she convinces the remaining contestants to do a striptease to the Mos Eisley Cantina song from Star Wars: A New Hope. All is going well until Kendall Jenner removes her top, “just like Kim taught her.” Because Jenner is a minor, she gets

WEEK 6 The Outcome: Kendall easily passes as she chats up a high school male about what it’s like seeing Kim Kardashian naked “like, every day.” Chumlee approaches a mentally handicapped person waiting in line to play the demo Playstation 3 at Best Buy. After ten minutes talking they decide that blue is the best color. Soulgee isn’t

Abby Lee Miller (Dance Moms) Soulgee (Ice Loves Coco) Kelly Bensimon (The Real Housewives of New York City) Chumlee Russel (Pawn Stars)

THE CHALLENGE: LEARN A CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE, TO BE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF A CLASS OF 3RD GRADERS. off scot-free, while Miller is arrested for breaking public indecency and child pornography laws. Karmic Death: Wearing only a leotard and eight-inch heels, she’s forced to ﬁght a herd of 25 six-year-olds until she succumbs to their tiny ﬁsts of fury.

THE CHALLENGE:

ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION WITH A TOTAL STRANGER FOR TEN MINUTES WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.

so lucky, as he accidentally references himself when discussing the loving relationship Ice-T and Coco have, the one he “tries not to force himself into.” Karmic Death: Suffocation via a gay black man’s nightmare: Coco’s enormous white tits.

WEEK 1 The Outcome: Most of our contestants do well, some surprisingly so. Abby Lee Miller scores a 29, and upon hearing the results lambasts the others for, “Doin’ so shitty cuz your moms didn’t raise ya’ll right.” Pawn Stars legend Chumlee scores a lowly 4 after skipping the English and Reading portions, but is saved when Sammi Sweetheart fails to complete the test in time.

THE CHALLENGE: TAKE THE 'ACT'. She’s busy sobbing on the phone with her mom because Ronni forgot a smiley face emoticon in the text message he sent her wishing her good luck on the test. Karmic Death: Suffocated to death in a gas chamber set to emit a deadly mix of hair spray and spray tanner. LMFAO’s “Shots” plays at her wake.

WEEK 4

THE CHALLENGE: BUILD A SPACESHIP OUT OF LEGOS.

The Outcome: Used to constructing makeshift dildos on the ﬂy, Soulgee produces a sex toy that judges deem a reasonable facsimile for a spacecraft. The Victor Twins - having never played with Legos before - hastily slap some blocks together, but continue onto the next round after secretly switching their construction with rival Johnny

Bananas. Bananas calls their deceit, but producers refuse to believe him, citing his frivolous lawsuit against the producers of Entourage as a reason not to believe him.

WEEK 7

THE CHALLENGE: PITCH A SHOW TO FAMED WRITER/PRODUCER DAVID SIMON (THE WIRE, TREME)

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner pitches Simon a show about, “You know, me, and stuff.” Chumlee, struggling to breathe under the weight of his own obesity, tells the writer/producer that he’d, “like to do one’a them shows where them girls come in and give Chumlee them blowjobs, and shit.” Simon attempts to walk off set before his

agent reminds him that this appearance will help provide funding for his criticallyacclaimed but little-watched show.

Karmic Death: Devenanzio is forced to hang out with Kevin Dillon until Devenanzio kills himself.

Karmic Death: Distraught with the state of modern media, Simon commits a murder-double-suicide. His ﬁnal words are, “Let’s see McNulty solve this one.”

WEEK 2 The Outcome: Kendall Jenner cries as she hands over the money, certain that her mom will bestow on her the beating of a lifetime. Chumlee Russel tries to talk the homeless man down before realizing he’s the one trying to give the cash away. In a purely malevolent move, the Victor twins turn their bill into a “Poo Lincoln” before

WEEK 5 The Outcome: In a moving moment that will forever go down in the annals of reality TV history, Chumlee apologizes to pawn shop owner Rick Harrison for the litany of fuck-ups he’s had since the show’s inception. The Victor twins lose when Gabi apologizes to Dani “for being dad’s favorite,” while Dani apologizes to Gabi “for being

THE CHALLENGE: GIVE A HOMELESS PERSON $5. dropping it in front of a homeless man while walking away. Bensimon fails when she gives her $5 to Soulgee, as she assumes all black people are homeless. Karmic Death: The producers drop her off in Harlem dressed as a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. No one attends her funeral.

THE CHALLENGE:

SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO AN IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER OR CLOSE FRIEND YOU HAVE WRONGED.

dad’s favorite.” A brawl ensues until the producers drag each off set, preparing them for their execution. Karmic Death: From behind a two-way mirror the twins’ parents push a big red button that electrocutes the twins to death. The parents go on to live full, happy lives in their twilight years.

While th at we expe didn’t end how cted, it certainl ended b y ette have ho r than we could ped! Join u year as we cont s next inue the small-sc ale are actu genocide people ally hap py abou t!

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Maps & Atlases

Our compasses pointed due north when we were lucky enough to score an interview with loveable rockers Maps & Atlases. Guitarist Erin talks to us about keyboards, soy products and his pet Pegasus. Check them out at The Metro in Chicago, May 11th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Beware and Be Grateful, is set to be released on April 17th. Can you talk about your progression as a band, from your EPs to Perch Patchwork to this album? How is this the next step in your sonic evolution? Erin Elders: I think it’s a continuation of things we were exploring on Perch Patchwork. On that album we really started with texture, whereas our earlier EPs were more stripped down with a lot of guitar. Here we moved on past the Perch Patchwork orchestration, but we found new ways to layer sound with crazy guitars and whatnot. I think the writing style is a steady evolution from our previous album. TBS: How does the writing process work for you guys? Erin: Every record has been different, but I think that’s what most bands hope to do, where you let the process and story behind the record be its own thing. It’s good to break out of your own habits and artistic patterns. For this record there was these group of songs [lead singer] Dave had been working on during his tour and when we had a little off time. It happened in a really stripped down way. We figured out which songs worked as an album, fleshed them out and worked it out over multiple sessions. We’d then throw as many ideas down as we could, then see what worked and what doesn’t. TBS: Considering the length of time it takes to put a record out, how much of what you work on actually ends up on a record? Erin: It’s really interesting. When you think about how much time writing, recording and playing music and you contrast it with the amount of time you actually produce the sounds that end up on the record,

cd review

out now

The shins port of morrow Five years later, The Shins still don’t disappoint.

The Shins are like your best friend from high school who you haven’t seen in five years. You’re slightly nervous things might have changed, but as soon as you sit down (at a bar, of course), it’s like you just saw her yesterday; you’re as comfortable as you’ve ever been and it’s just as familiar as when you were causing a ruckus together back in band class. Formed in Albuquerque, New Mexico, James Mercer (your imaginary best friend), and the gang have technically been putting out alternative-rock goodness since 1996 when they released their first EP and gained popularity by touring with bands like Modest Mouse. Things were going swimmingly, albeit slowly, but they were eventually signed to Sub Pop in 2001, releasing their classic album, Oh, Inverted World with such gems like “New Slang” and “Caring is Creepy.” With a slew of tunes featured in all sorts of movies and television shows, The Shins officially became a band with integrity—one that produced quality songs that were both earnest and catchy. Two more popular albums later, the boys ditched Sub Pop to release albums on Mercer’s own label, Aural Apothecary. Switching out a few band members and letting half a decade fly by, Port of Morrow is upon us and it’s certainly worth the wait. The album has an all around classic Shins sound— never breaching the barrier of being too heavy and never slowing down enough to bum anyone out. The first single “Simple

GRADE B+

Song” isn’t my favorite on the album, but it’s by no means a bad tune; softly building up to an optimistic chorus that is safe and upbeat, it’s kind of like nice spring weather. “September” is a stand-out song that slows you down a bit, but keeps you interested with little patches of breezy beats. In fact, the entire album consists of numerous wonderfully upbeat tracks that make it a great listen without ever really needing to hit next. By the end of it, you’re not going to hear anything too crazy or shocking, but you’ll be pleased if standard Shins music always seems be the perfect thing to listen to when you don’t know what to listen to at all. Admittedly, none of this can be very shocking to anyone who is even remotely a fan of The Shins – they’ve just never let us down and, four albums later, they keep getting better. If you are a part of the handful of people in this world who have never listened to them (maybe their hype from Garden State a billion years ago turned you off for some reason), it’s certainly time to give them a chance. But for those who are longtime Shins fans, it’s worth the five-yearscoming to hear them again, just like your high school BFF. Sounds Like: A plaid shirt smiling. Download: Simple Song, September Listen to it When: You’re the first one done with classes waiting on the porch for your roommates to get back to start drinking, gifting them with a beer.

it’s small. You have to get to that point, though. TBS: How do you strike a balance between making music you find personally gratifying, but also something your fans want to hear? Erin: It’s a tough thing. Everyone has different interests, and some are able to pursue them under the moniker of their band. But there’s other bands where an out-there record doesn’t work in the parameters of what the band is. Our band, we want to grow and change every record, but the way we move in the same direction, together, allows us to explore new things. TBS: How ambitious do you get with your sound? When you incorporate a new instrument is it out of necessity, like, “This thing makes this sound, so we will use it,” or is it, “We want to push the boundaries of how we consider ourselves as musicians”? Erin: With Beware and Be Grateful we started with these cheap Casio keyboards to get the sound up and running, and from there it was experimenting and seeing what stuck. Running with our instincts. We’ve tried doing it before, and it’s worked on certain songs. On this record, though, it helped us produce a really loose sound. TBS: You guys are headlining a tour right now. How do you prepare? Do you prepare? Erin: I think when you’re on tour it’s one of those things where you’re constantly trying to stay on schedule while being exhausted all the time. It’s basically keeping up until you crash and just stop caring about a timetable. TBS: Is there different pressure being the tour headliner? Erin: I think we’re always making sure we’re playing well and presenting the songs as best we can every night, regardless. I mean, you feel obligated to put on a good show for people who paid money to see you. Plus, how often do you get a chance to play a place like Shreveport, Louisiana? Once a year? You want to put on a good show for someone who might be seeing you for the first time. TBS: For someone who hasn’t seen you play live before, describe your show in five words or less. Erin: Four guys, lots of sound. TBS: What’s a band or artist you listen to that no one would think you like? Erin: I listen to a lot of top 40 radio. When we’re on tour peoples’ iPods get exhausted pretty quickly. I think Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” is an incredible song. TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Erin: I think a sandwich is a great culinary invention. I think a baguette, smoked tempeh, some tomato, avocado and spicy mustard. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Erin: A Pegasus seems ideal, you can ride it into town if you need to, or you can fly. TBS: The most practical of the mythical creatures.

UPCOMING RELEASES Brad Mehldau - Ode Melanie Fiona - The MF Life

Casey James - Casey James Odd Future - The OF Tape Vol. 2

Paul Van Dyk - Evolution Anti-Flag - The General Strike

Diggy - Unexpected Arrival Margot and Nuclear So & So’s - Rot Gut Domestic

the seek & find Let us know everything is where prize! Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pre and win a tt like someone y easy, just else we know .

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Suddenly a Celebrity: The Story of a Now-World-Famous The Black Sheep Writer sevin ketze wrote this

Two years ago, I was a shy, mild-mannered kid who mostly stayed in my room, played Xbox, and occasionally ventured into the world for food or class. I never in a million years could have expected the incredible fame that was about to hit me.

her hair. “Ha ha! You are SO funny! I want your wiener all up in my mouth. I'm gonna lick it and stuff. For real.” Of course, I obliged. When the class let out, I walked out thinking “that was pretty cool, but next time we probably should leave the room and find somewhere else.” Oh well, learning to be famous is a process. Over the next few months, this became more and more of a regular occurrence. Between all the “I'm gonna chew on your dick like it was taffy” and the “I'm gonna crack your balls open like chestnuts”, I kept pretty busy.

I guess I'll start from the beginning. I was at my computer during the first week of my sophomore year, typing out yet another hilarious Facebook status (something along the lines of “calculator? I 'ardly know her!” MAD likes!). Mere seconds after I posted it, my door was kicked off the hinges, and a stranger burst into my room, laughing and bellowing “Word has reached us of your hilarious statuses! You are the funniest person in the world. It is decided: you are now in the employ of The Black Sheep!” I sprang out of my chair and thrusted my fist triumphantly into the air, holding the pose for a few seconds for emphasis. Before I could reply, he threw down a smoke bomb and was gone.

As time went on, my fame grew exponentially, and it started getting a little overwhelming. Massive seas of students would silently part for me when I walked on the quad. I passed a class I never even went to with an “ultra-A”, which boosted my semester GPA to a solid 6. I wrote a joke about poop that ended up bringing an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I had hit my peak, but...I guess I didn't like being ridiculously famous as much as I thought I would. But I kept writing, because I felt I had no other options.

As I stood outside Watterson while the fire alarms rang and the man who gave me a job was taken away in a squad car, I considered the massive changes that were about to hit my life. Would I ever again be able to walk down the street unrecognized? Would I ever find a woman to marry who loved me for me, and not for my fame and riches? I had questions and doubts, sure, but I was young and impulsive and I accepted the job.

Fast forward to the present day. I have to take all my classes in special “Ketze Only” sections at 6 a.m., so that I can avoid being spotted by press and fans. I spend my free time sitting in a rocking chair and pointing a shotgun at the front door, in the hopes it'll keep me safe on the day the pounding and screaming mob finally breaks through. And, to top it all off, I now have literally every STD, including some my body appears to have created itself. So yeah, fame isn't what I expected, but there's no turning back now. I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life in a sea of casual sex, piles of cash, and endless admiration. Such is life.

A few weeks later, I had published a few articles, but my life was still pretty much the same. Until one day in ECO 105, when a girl sitting next to me leaned over and whispered in my ear “hey, are you Sevin Ketze?” I smiled and quickly let loose with a witty reply: “I know you are, but what am I?” She smiled back and played with

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