The Black Sheep
Fre for e...lik a b e be and co at min Sp g a rin gr g F oup es ie t!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 5 4/12/12 -5/2/12
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Crime Alerts Never Sleep Sevin Ketze wrote this
“Looks like a storm's blowing in.” Frowning, the Cupcake King rose from his thin wax paper cushion and hopped toward the window for a closer look. As he gazed outward at the gathering clouds, his attention was suddenly caught by a mug of chocolate milk, humming and buzzing as it slid across the windowsill. The noise grew louder and louder into an unbearable cacophony. “What the fuuuuck,” he protested in his native pastry tongue, “that noise is so freaking annoying, and none of this makes any sen-” I opened my eyes and found myself gazing at my plain, peeling ceiling. The whole room glowed a dull blue. “Only a dream...”I mused aloud. The recent concussion had made me quite forgetful, but I could still tell the difference between reality and imagination. And yet, the noise lived on. BZZZZZZ BZZZZZZ BZZZZZ! Confused, I groped around my nightstand. At first, I found nothing but empty cans and soiled prophylactics. Finally, my fingers came to rest upon the source of the interruption, and suddenly I understood. I rolled over and sleepily perused the message. “PERSON WITH WEAPON, ISU EMERGENCY ALERT.” I sat up quickly, my eyes still fixed on the display. “Victim reports armed robbery at the south east end of the underpass at College and Main-” I didn't need to read further. I hurled my phone dramatically at the wall, and pulled my self-installed emergency lever. “EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY” The feminine voice was loud, but calm. I pressed my face against my VigilIntercom and spoke with urgency. “KYLE. KYLE, WE'RE NEEDED. ARE YOU THERE?” No reply. “KYLE” Nothing. “KYLE. KYLE.” Finally, a reply. “What...ahhh, dude, what...oh you've gotta be fucking...what time is it?” “It's time to be a hero, Kyle of Normal.” “Dude I don't think you get how lame it sounds when you call people by their name and town." “No time for semantics, Kyle of Normal! I need you to come over and help me get into my crime-fighting unitard.” “I'm not gonna dress you, dude.” “Kyle, I pay you a lot of money to help me out in emergencies like this. I have the Law merit badge and I can and will take you to court.”
Other stuff
Inside
“this is so st-” My sidekick had abandoned me when I needed him most. Now I know how Batman felt when Robin wouldn't help him into his BatUnitard. “He didn't wear a unitard, that's literally not a thing people wear, ever. And seriously, you're narrating your life out loud? You've gotta be the weirdest-” Kyle may be a betrayer and a coward, but his observation was keen nonetheless. I moved my thoughts back into the privacy of my own mind, and threw my closet doors open. The bright orange fabric seemed to jump right out at me, possibly because I activated the SpringLoaded Unitard Deployment System, or S.L.U.D.S. for short. The steel buckles clacked against my tensed pectorals, and the unitard fell to the ground in a heap. “Owwwwww, Christ on a cracker, that really, really hurt,” I groaned through clenched teeth.
“To whom it may concern,
I strode quickly to the bathroom to examine my injuries in my MegaMicroMirror. An oblong drop of crimson slowly traced its way around my sculpted abdominals. I gasped and grasped around myself frantically until finding one of my many wellplaced first aid kits. “Always keep a first aid kit within arm’s reach,” was rule #3 in the Ketze family rulebook. Thus, my small apartment was packed with no less than 60 “Nuclear aftermath” edition first aid kits. After tightly bandaging the wound with all the gauze wrap from five different kits, I booted up my computer, opened up Netscape Navigator and began composing an email.
Rip Out Your Wisdom Teeth
I recently purchased several sets of your steel unitard buckles, and was very disappointed when one of them sliced my chest wide open when I deployed the unitard with my S.L.U.D.S. System. I am quite tired and will pursue this matter further on the morrow, but you should know that I have the Law merit badge and I'm prepared to take you to court.” I minimized the draft and stumbled back to bed, satisfied. “What a well-executed attempt to swindle me, corporate evildoers,” I said sarcastically. “...NOT.” I shut my eyes, grabbed the reigns of my winged tortoise, and flew gracefully into the sunset.
The Top Ten
No Roommate? No Rules.
Grab your favorite pair of pliers and join the fun!
Things that everybody else is probably thinking in the same class.
It's not a real prank if nobody's crying!
see page 5
see page 11
see page 15
02
Table of 04
contents 10
12 11
PAGE 4>>
Messin' with ISU's Tour Groups
PAGE 7 >>
Burger King is on Fire!
page 10 >>
Bartender of the Issue
page 11 >>
Oh, The People You'll See!
Page 13 >>
The Black Sheep Interviews: Shpongle
Be the hero these bored high-schoolers need.
oh damn, Puns are so hot right now!
Jones from the Pub II turns the friskiness up to 11.
So THAT'S why everybody wears headphones!
we chatted with simon posford, one half of the trippy electronic dj duo.
page three
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The alarming disappearance of a fat-come-recently-fit person amongst their group of fat loser friends. Pat’s absduction was swift, after he lost weight he spent much more time in pussy than in the gaming room.
04
From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
Where do you find yourself on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and what would you be doing? “I find myself out in my front yard, shirtless, with the majority of my indoor furniture; With 20-30 of my closest friends, and a few cases of the cheapest beer… probably Hamm’s or Lost Lake."
- Keith, 22, Accounting
Messin’ with ISU Tour Groups Isaac wrote this I’m sure you’ve noticed something strange about this semester. When spring comes around there seems to be an irregularity of population on campus. And I’m not talking about squirrels. Hundreds of people are carrying Barnes and Noble plastic bags. Is this a new fashion trend? Did I miss the latest issue of Glamour where it says that travelling in groups with plastic bags full of info about ISU is in style this month? Nope! Chuck Testa. I mean, Nope, ISU has been welcoming tour groups to its lovely campus. Incoming students, families, homeless people looking for something to do during the day—they all get free tours of Illinois State University. They walk around campus hearing sugarcoated facts about our day-to-day schedules, like the fact that classes start on the hour and end 10 minutes to the hour, unless your professor is an asshole and keeps you late because he wants to explain “one more thing.” Or the fact that ISU used to be a primarily teaching school, but now it’s a primarily drinking school. These are the facts that you tell them, right tour guides?
tour guide says something about ISU’s many weekend activities like Reggie Nights or football games. Then go ahead and raise your hand and ask him, “Have you ever been to a Reggie Nights or a football game?” Watch him sweat and lose his train of thought. It’ll be hysterical. Bring a keg with you and start passing out cups to everyone in the tour group: ISU has a 100% alcohol free campus! Well, not anymore it doesn’t! When fathers of incoming students see you with beer, they won’t be able to resist sliding back to their college days. They’ll grab a cup and fill it up, and then another and another. Pretty soon there’ll be shirtless middle-aged men and embarrassed high school seniors on the quad for the enjoyment of your cross-campus walks.
"pretty soon there'll be shirtless middle-aged men on the quad for the enjoyment of your cross-campus walks."
I know what you’re thinking. How can we have some fun with these ISU tour groups? I mean they’re just…there doing nothing, learning mindless ‘facts.’ We should show them what ISU is really like, right? So, here are some fun things you can do to mess with them. Follow the tour group around, making snide comments: This one’s fairly straightforward. Just follow the tour groups around as if you’re with one of the families. Put your arm around an elderly woman in the group and call her gam gam. It’ll make you seem less out of place and a bit creepy. Then, start the trolling. Wait till the
“I find myself raging on the cull de sac; Where Constitution Trail meets Cherry St.” - Jill, 22, Secondary Education
Try to take over the tour from the tour guide: This one is a little tricky, but it can be done if you’re good enough. Let the tour guide start his shtick, and try to finish his sentences. When he stops talking, just move up by him and continue talking, only about random facts that you made up about ISU. When he tries to interject, just tell him to raise his hand if he has a question. Start spouting your random facts when he stops talking and just falls back in line. “ISU has had many famous alumni over the years. Barack Obama, Gandhi, Master Chief, Mark Zuckerberg...”
If anyone asks, tell them to bring it up with the president. So these ideas should get you on your way to being an excellent tour guide troll, and hopefully they’ll even start paying you! Happy spring, everybody!
“I would say sitting next to the keg, outside, on a comfy couch.” - Emma, 22, Marketing
05
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Rip Out Your Wisdom Teeth Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
Last weekend, I had to go home for some mouth surgery. I don’t mean the usual kind, where I’m the doctor and the only tool I use is my penis. I mean the badass kind, where you get knocked out while some old dude cuts open your face while the nurses are probably touching your junk and stuff. That’s right, I got my wisdom teeth out and that can only mean one thing—time to party.
and it responds with the most wonderful stories about the wars between dust and vacuum. It’s all so magnificent. Why did no one tell me before? Why couldn’t I see it? The answer, of course, is that having extra teeth distorts our senses. The sooner you rip them out, the better your life will be.
“Wait,” you say, out of breath from being lame and alone in the dark, “I thought getting your wisdom teeth out was the OPPOSITE of fun!” How pathetic, unfortunate, and wrong you are. This has been the BEST WEEK EVER! Wisdom teeth are the dam that’s holding back all of the fun thing in life, and replacing them with three times the recommended daily dose of Vicodin lets all the party and mouth blood flow into the throat that is your existence. Once you take out your wisdom teeth out, everything and anything is greater than you could possibly imagine. If I haven’t already convinced you to grab a pair of pliers and start ripping shit out of your mouth, let me tell you the wonders your teeth are preventing you from experiencing.
“But wait again,” you say, “Living life to the fullest sounds kinda weird! I just wanna get druuuuunk!” I have fantastic news for you. You’re SUPPOSED to get drunk! Not only does drinking numb any of that “pain” stuff people complain about, but it is single-handedly the best thing you can do after you get your teeth out. When I woke up after the surgery, my doctor handed me a fifth and said, “Yo bitch, drink up. Finna kill some germs and shit.” Who am I to go against a doctor’s orders?! That’s treason! They burn you with a steak for that! So, just like my doctor ordered, I’ve been chasing all of my Vicodin with at least five shots. Per pill that is. And I’ve been taking at least three a day, to make sure all of my wounds heal quickly.
Before I got my wisdom teeth out, the world was a bleak place. Now, everywhere I go I can see the leaves squirm in ecstasy as they take all that hot, long, sunshine and science it into food. I can hear kites laugh as they talk about pizza bagels, Yo Gabba Gabba, and how high they are. I can taste the cotton candy that’s torn off of the clouds by the wind and blown all around us. I can speak to my carpet
I guess there is one downside I’ve been hiding from you. You’re not allowed to throw up. I’ve been counteracting this by swallowing it whenever it comes up. It’s not
technically vomit if it doesn’t leave your mouth. The plus side is, all of the Vicodin makes it taste like rainbows. And rainbows are fucking delicious. Just ask my new dragon friend, Toby. And the best part is, if you already have your wisdom teeth out, you can just get some other teeth removed! And when you run out of teeth, go fingernails! It never ends!
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Burger King is on fire! Bring on the lame puns..
Isaac wrote this
So ever since Burger King at the Bone went up in flames, I’ve had to go for weeks without my Triple Whopper with bacon and cheese. I’ve actually had to get exercise and walk down to Einstein’s and get a pizza bagel. Fuckin’ ridiculous, man! I love Burger King so much that one time I asked the cashier to give me their hat so that I may wear it in celebration. The manager was pissed, but she gave me the hat anyways. I threw it forcefully into the deep fryer and ate the hat upon deep-fry-completion. Anyway, that’s beside the point. When I heard that Burger King went down, the first thing that I thought was, “oh god, here come the lame puns associated with Burger King being on fire” and sure enough, they came. I walked up to my friend the next morning, bummed that I couldn’t get a Cheesy Bacon BK Wrapper like I always do before my 9 a.m. class, and he had the nerve, no, the AUDACITY to say to me, “Yo bro, did you hear? The Bone BK got a new sandwich, the BK Broiler!” He proceeded to show me his troll face, to which I replied, “Dude, BK Burn!” and we high fived. I couldn’t resist. The jokes were way too easy and they were…well, hilarious. Days turned into weeks and we kept making the hilarious puns about Burger King. “Guys I need to burn some calories, I’m going to Burger King.” Eventually, as suspected, it got old, and it even got to the point that if I heard one more person make
a bad pun about Burger King, they were going to feel my Grilled Chicken foot up their Dr. Pepper ass. I went into my next class, Philosophy, and a guy had a Burger King bag - munchy-wunchin on his french fries. I walked up to him nervously. “Hey man, where’d you get that shit?” He told me it was from another Burger King across town. I asked him for a fry to which he offered me two. He was definitely a good guy. So what alternatives do we have to Burger King? Well…there’s Pizza Hut. You know, that shitty pizza place where the toppings taste more like cardboard than pepperoni? That place that makes you think you’d rather eat Watterson Pizza 100 times out of 100? Yep. Or you could go to Freshens and get yogurt or milkshakes or whatever the fuck they sell there. Does anyone really care? I just want my Triple Bacon Cheeseburger and large fries from Burger King. I can hardly stand it! It seems like the only thing we can do is to just tough it out until the Burger King reopens. When will that be? Nobody seems to know. It could be next week, could be next year, could be never. Can you imagine what they might replace the Burger King with if they got bought out? A Starbucks? Hardees? Taco Bell? Think of the possibilities! Bowman could open up a new dorm complex. Call it the BK Lounge and admit 500 incoming freshmen to live there next year!
DAILY SPECIALS SUNDAY
$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE FREE Jukebox & Bags
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$2 Bud Light or Budweiser Boilermakers (beer with a well shot)
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$3 Grey Goose Red Bulls $3 Jack & Coke $3 Gummy Bears
Live Music Saturday 4/14: Springfest 4/21: Saints of Saturday 4/28: Mike and Joe $4 Pitchers of Miller Lt. & Coors Lt. $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys
Hot 'N Reggie (Reggie or BBQ Chix) Half-Zones Ready-to-Eat Just $3.19 After Midnight Only!
$3 16oz Wells $3 ANY Bombs $3 Bud Family Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10
$3 Pitchers, $3 Bombs $6 32oz Well Drinks
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$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze FREE Jukebox & Bags
$4 Pitchers
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$1.75 20oz. Bud Family Drafts $1.50 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Beam, SoCo, and Seagram 7 Drinks
No Cover for Throwback Thursday w/ Student ID $1 Drinks
Check out our website for updated events and specials! daddiosbloomington.com
Monday Munchies 3 Free Cookies w/ Purchase of 2 Classic Zones
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze
$4 Pitchers $2 Bombs
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Throwback Thursdays $1 U-Call-Its
Every Friday: $6 32oz Well Drinks $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys
Stix It Tuesday Free Cheese Stix w/ Purchase of 2 Classic Zones
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Every Tuesday Kyle Yap @ 10pm
$2 Bud Family Bottles Bud, Bud Light, Bud Select
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Every Saturday: $4 Pitchers of Miller Lite & Coors Light $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys
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Bartender
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Issue Bar: PUB II
Porn name: Zor Barton Favorite sex position: Reverse Cowgirl
Major: Undecided Relationship Status: Single What type of undies do you prefer: Boxers—Right now they are Polo brand in denim blue.
Call me “Jones” pub II
Theme song of your life: “Hard Knock Life” by Jay-Z How long have you been a bartender: Three years
drinking game:
Drunk Easter Egg Hunt
Favorite drink: Saki and seltzer—On a scale from 1-10 it brings my friskiness level to an 11. Favorite sports team: The Yankees Best made drink? I make the best, most Slippery Nipple you’ll ever have the pleasure of tasting. What Disney character do you most want to hook up
with? Sleeping Beauty— so I can dead horse her. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? X-ray vision at night and invisibility during the day. Then I can just appear! Worst pick-up line: “How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.” No one should use that. One thing you want to do before you die: I want to join the Mile High Club.
recipe for disaster:
Popcorn Puppy Chow
Easter may be over, but you still have a shit ton of those eggs left over. “Why did the Easter egg hide?” Many of you may have once thought it was because, “He was a little chicken.” Wrong. That Easter egg is hiding because you are about to chuck him at somebody’s car while ridiculously hammered. In response to your desperate cries to get those awful pastel eggs out of your apartments, we offer you this wild egg hunt that will leave you spinning.
We’ve put a spin on the recipe and added popcorn! As if the world’s greatest snack couldn’t get any better, the addition of popcorn to puppy chow is the greatest addition to a classic concoction since whiskey was added to Coke. Popcorn puppy chow also provides another perfect way to take the random crap you call your “groceries” and make them into something actually appetizing.
What You’ll Need: Eggs, markers, and lots of alcohol. Number of People: As many Jesus-loving folks that you can find. Level of Intoxication: D.R.U.N.K!
What you’ll need: Popcorn, chocolate, peanut butter, ½ stick of butter, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The only thing semi-healthy about this is the popcorn, and even that’s a stretch. Let’s Get Poppin': -Pop some popcorn (rule of thumb: Kettle Corn is for bitches). -Microwave chocolate, peanut butter, and butter until melted. Stir that shit up. -Ooze your chocolate-peanut-buttery goop all over your popcorn until evenly coated. -Add powdered sugar and mix around until everything turns white. -Grab a handful, stuff your face and be shameless with it.
How to Play: -The designated “Easter Bunny” writes drinks on slips of paper and puts them inside plastic Easter Eggs. Drinks are up to the Easter Bunny, but can range from shots, double shots, beer shotguns, beer bongs, etc. (Have fun with this; the players are your bitches, and you can make them do whatever you want for a whole round.) - The eggs are dispersed around the designated game boundaries (apartment, frat house, etc). - Once the eggs are dispersed, the players run around finding the eggs and drinking as much as the eggs say. - Once players find an egg and do the drinking task, they can chuck the egg at someone and get them “out,” thus eliminating the competition and maximizing their drinking opportunities. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone and the last player standing then becomes the Easter Bunny. The game can be played repeatedly all day, but players are advised to keep the number of games to a minimum, unless money for an ambulance ride is readily available.
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The next thing you know, popcorn puppy chow will be a staple at movie theaters across the country. However, knowing the way movie theaters price their food, this delicious concoction will surely cost you nothing short of an arm, a leg, and a fair amount of dignity. Because of this, I advise you to make it while it’s cheap and delicious.
THe top ten
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Things That Everyone Else Is Probably Thinking In The Same Class 10) “Man, I wonder if anyone else feels as awkward as I do right now. Like, who the hell built these Schroeder lecture halls and thought that making each stair step 3 feet long was a great idea? Do I start making big leaps up the steps or continue walking awkwardly up? I need to start coming earlier so no one can watch me.” 9) “Seriously, fix the microphone or don’t wear it. These lecture halls are built with a microphone at the podium, so use that one. You don’t look any cooler than with a clip-on mic that crackles obnoxiously loud with every step you take. When I fail the next quiz, I’m blaming your mic.”
Oh, The People You’ll See!
sevin ketze wrote this
As a junior with an off-campus apartment, I'm a pretty lucky guy. I get to have my own bedroom, a parking space right outside my door, a kitchen...there's a lot of awesome benefits, but that's beside the point. One of the best parts is that I get to drive to class, park at a lot right next to the classroom building, and walk right in. I rarely walk across the quad anymore, and thus, I rarely have to see the ridiculously annoying people who populate it. I'm sure we're all familiar with... Milner Plaza flyer folk: Unlike the fairy tale, these trolls dwell ABOVE the bridge, but they still will not let you pass without putting you through some bullshit. “All these cute animals suffer awful deaths in slaughterhouses!” No shit, dude. We're college students, we all know how fucked up that whole process is. “We pay TOP DOLLAR for your used textbooks!” You actually pay A DOLLAR, but close enough. “Join the UPB in a campus clean-up on Tuesday at 8!” Oh good, you guys can pick up all the campus clean up flyers that people dropped everywhere. Religious sign-wearers: These guys make a life of piety look SUPER unappealing. “Of course I'll join your church! Then I can do all the fun things you guys do, like standing on rocks with giant signs around your neck. Talk about a heck of a Friday afternoon!” I mean, at this age, you're either religious or you're not, and it'll take a lot of work to sway anybody from one side to the other The fact that these dudes think that wearing a giant “TRUST JESUS” sign is actually, actually going to convert people to their faith is laughable. Bros playing catch: “Oh god, oh god, pleeeease please please don't throw it when I'm right behind your friend, pleeeAAHHH GOD CATCH IT. CATCH IT. CATCH— phew.” A single missed catch by one of the frolicking BFFS is almost certain to shit all over the day of some unlucky passer-by. I've been lucky so far, but I'm certain there are some who haven't had the same good fortune.
But yeah, I just think it's pretty dickish to hurl a baseball around in a well-populated area, and force everybody else to trust your athletic ability to keep them concussion-free. Especially since playing catch is almost always a byproduct of day-drinking. The “Legalize Marijuana” crowd: I want marijuana legalized as much as any college student, but man, these people do not understand how counter-productive their actions are. “Smoking pot doesn't make you a bum!” I agree, but you're wearing a ratty t-shirt, dirty jeans, flip flops, sport an unkempt mop of hair, and you smell like cat piss. Maybe you're not a bum, but you're sure dressing the part. You guys are working for a great cause, and I am super psyched by how motivated you are, but please, take a shower and throw on a nice shirt. You'd be surprised how many more people will listen to you. Oh, and no hand drums, though that goes without saying. Wait, no. Apparently it doesn't. Whoops. The inseparable friendz: You know how when you're walking with a group of friends, and somehow you end up in the back of the group walking by yourself? Isn't that awkward? Don't worry, because some ultra-innovators have a brilliant solution. Just walk six people abreast! Who cares about making room for people walking the opposite direction, that's what the grass is for! Oh man, you're coming up to a crosswalk, and your six gurl wolf pack has to split up. Hey, no worries, just stop right in the middle of the sidewalk and say your one-minute goodbyes! I'll just do the tryin'-to-pass-you shuffle until I can finally get by. Sure, there’s dozens more examples worth hating out there. The guy who randomly just stops. The tour guides dragging thirty confused underagers and geriatrics around campus. The person who texts while they walk, ignoring anyone around them. Let’s work together, people.
8) “I wonder if the Alamo buys back clickers. I really hope so. Shit, what if one of my younger friends asks if I have a clicker that they could ‘borrow for next semester’? Man, I don’t want to be a dick and say no.” 7) “Am I on the second floor of Schroeder or the third floor? Yesterday I walked in on the ground floor closest to the bridge and went down a flight of stairs. But then I left class and never went back up a flight of stairs. Oh no, am I in a different dimension?” 6) “Damn you, person that just walked out of class early. That was supposed to be me in five minutes. Now when I get up to leave early, our professor's gonna take out his frustration for his students leaving early on just me. Whatever, I think I’m just gonna stay and miss appetizer bar. Way to ruin my week.” 5) “Awesome, ice breakers are the easiest grade ever. All I gotta do is just remember my name and— wait, what’s my name? Where am I from again? Is my favorite color blue or green? Why are my palms so sweaty?” 4) “I wonder if those guys that are shirtless on the quad playing sports leave their apartments without a shirt on or if they take off their shirts at a certain point on their walk over. Or maybe it’s a rule that once they touch the grass they can’t be wearing a shirt?” 3) “Has there ever been water in that fountain outside Stevenson? I mean, why would they put a fountain there if they only turn the water on when it’s Leap Year. Without water, its just a stupid giant bowl.” 2) “If there’s ever another serious emergency I hope I don’t find out again via email. Getting an email with the subject line ‘MAN WITH WEAPON’ four hours after it happens won’t save my life. Shit, what if I don’t check my email that day?” 1) (While holding phone in hand) “FUCK. WHERE’S MY PHONE. ITS NOT IN MY POCKET WHO THE FU—oh, right. Haha, I’m holding it. False alarm.”
Will Holloman wrote this
Sweeps Season: With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.
Happy Endings (ABC)
Marry, Bang, Kill Edition
Marry!
In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.
Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic.
Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.
To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”
That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t The show is full of plausible scenarios execut- have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hell-bend on remaining that way? Zuh? ed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just A comedy based in reality, teased out to be wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby hilarious? Well, we’ll be damned. could just get on with his miserable life?
Person of Interest (CBS) Ba ng! In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.
Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:
Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-theteeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the universe of alien pedophiles.
It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interest sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain worthy of some praise.
Kill!
There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horn-dogs! There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL!
Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!
Up All Night (NBC)
Bang!
But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.
sodes, and the moral each story: Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit. Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids. This was supposed to be a comedy, right?
Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!
Kill!
Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than an extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.
Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence. That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.
henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!
In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?
Seriously, look at the premise of two epi-
2 Broke Girls (CBS) In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!
New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his
Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.
Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.
Or,
Marry!
In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!
Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing.
Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer to take care of his dirty work.
New Girl (FOX)
There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “We think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks,” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “She spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”
One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weakwilled writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of
exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “Well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”
the music page
the black sheep interviews:
Shpongle
You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Check them out during Summer Camp Music Festival in Chillicothe, IL, May 25-27th, or go online to twistedmusic. com/tours and find out when they’re at a venue near you. The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music? Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music. TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it? Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.
cd review
m.ward a wasteland companion Predictably great chill tunes, man.
M. Ward is a phenomenal singer, songwriter and guitarist who’s been around for over a decade, consistently performing and releasing music, never faltering on his undeniable raw talent. He’s also one half of She & Him with the adorkable Zooey Deschanel, and one quarter of the incredibly talented 2009 folk collaboration, Monsters of Folk. Not to mention his nearly constant touring and various other collaborations throughout the years, that’s a whole hell of a lot of information about a quiet guy from the west coast. A Wasteland Companion is M. Ward’s 8th album, a feat for anyone and especially for someone who’s under 40. At this point in his career, it’s assumed and quite blatant that he’s got his shit down. M. Ward knows exactly who he is, what and how he’s going to play his music, and, perhaps most importantly, what his fans like. That’s not to say that he hasn’t grown as an artist or become more polished, but if you listen to his discography, it’s all pretty damn similar—acoustic folk music with passionate, relatable lyrics that sometimes make you sad and sometimes give you the chills. The majority of his songs hover around 3 minutes, but often times much less with barely enough time to even get a song rolling. With him, it’s not so much about finding one song that stands out (though it’s happened, obviously), but enjoying everything just as it happens to be.
out now
GRADE B
At just under 40-minutes long, A Wasteland Companion is nothing but predictably great M. Ward quintessential folk rock. The first song released was, “The First Time I Ran Away,” a low-key tune with sparse, simple lyrics and subtle guitar—one of the slower and weaker tracks on the album. Some of my favorites, though, are “Me and My Shadow” and “Crawl After You” because they’re two of the more interesting, stand-out songs on the album. “Crawl After You” is particularly beautiful with a nice piano and violins melodies (and painfully cute lyrics). And, if you listen closely throughout the album, you might just hear Deschanel herself featured in a few of the tracks. Subtly, of course. It’s a damn shame if you haven’t checked M. Ward out by now because he’s definitely worth a listen. But if you’re going to get this album, you’ve got to check out some of his other stuff (Post-War is a personal favorite) too. That way, if any of his songs get a little too slow, you can just go on to the next one (on to the next one). Sounds Like: A shy honeybee drinking lemonade on a bench, by himself. Download: Me and My Shadow, Crawl After You, Primitive Girl Listen to it When: You’re just vibing out, preferably in a hammock or by a lake
TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images) and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about? Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd. TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’ Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect. TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind? Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment. So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain. TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props? Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter. TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level? Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though! TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice? Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.
UPCOMING RELEASES Bonnie Raitt - Slipstream Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine
Alabama Shakes - Boys & Girls Taproot - Episodes
Jason Mraz - Love is a Four Letter Word Train - California 37
Neon Trees - Picture Show Yann Tiersen - Skyline
15
www.theblacksheeponline.com
No Roommate? No rules. Mitch Vaginapun wrote this Ever get bored when your roommate leaves for the weekend? With all the events clubs are having now that the weather's warm, it’s been a lonely weekend for poor old Mitch, aside from all the ridiculous amounts of poontang. But what’s the use of poon if you don’t have someone to brag to? It’s time you got back at your roommate for not being around to hear about your exploits. It’s time to launch a full-scale assault. It’s time for a full scale, onesided prank war. The first weekend my roommate was gone, I started off simple. He always keeps a container of hand sanitizer by his desk for when he eats, so I did what any reasonable person would do—I replaced it with lube. Not just any lube, mind you, veterinary-grade horse vagina lubricant. The kind you need to wash your hands for 10 minutes to get off. He didn’t appreciate that. It was hilarious. He whined about it ruining the “last batch of cookies his dead grandma ever sent him” when he touched them, but he got over it. Next, I spiced things up a little bit. Figuring he’d want the scent of lube out of the room, I messed with his Febreze. He LOVES his Febreze. I emptied out the spray bottle onto all of his clothes. I’m a prankster, not a monster. He should at least have clean smelling clothes. Next, I drank three gallons of water to ensure the proper execution of the prank. I emptied my bladder of the clear fluid welled up inside it. I emptied it straight into his Febreze bottle and put it back in his closet. When he went to spray it around the room, I buried my face in my pillow to avoid cracking a smile and inhaling a mist of my own piss. I wish you could have seen the look on his face! I wish I could see the look on your roommate’s face when you do it to him because you also want your room smelling like your own piss, right? Now for my final prank, I had to think outside the box. Do the unexpected so that he couldn’t prepare himself. He had to go out of town this one last time; I had the entire weekend to formulate my scheme. Poop in his pillowcase? Too simple, too expected after the urine prank. Remove the screws from his chair? Again, too simple. He’d expect me to hit
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the desk again after the hand sanitizer. Unplug the fridge, spoil his food? Illness isn’t funny enough; the smell would provide too many hints. I made the next logical jump in severity. I set the building on fire. Left my stuff in the room. Better to avoid suspicion. I cut up my IDs. Rode the rails down to Tallahassee. Sent this story in the mail. No return address. Can’t afford to get caught. Lot of people died in that fire. Good people. Great people. Friends of mine. But you know, in the end, it was all worth it. I laughed harder that night than I have in my entire life. Best prank I ever pulled. Best prank ever pulled, I imagine. You see my roommate, you let him know—I still get bitches, all day, everyday.
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class tim e
the madlib: a dubstep show Last week __7__ asked me to a __8__ concert, so I __9__ went. When we arrived it was pretty obvious everyone was on __10__. There was a girl wearing a shiny __11__ that you could see under her light-up __12__. A guy with hair like a __13__ offered me some __14__, but when I saw his __15__ I was like, “no thanks, man.” So, during the concert this guy was doing this dance, it looked like he was trying to __16__and __17__ at the same time. I had to __18__ him, because he looked like __19__. Later that night some girl __20__on the dance floor. Everyone around her jumped they were so __21__. Eventually the show ended and we all went home, but I had such a __22__ time I couldn’t fall asleep until __23__.
1) Name 2) Adjective 3) Animal 4) Verb 5) Dubstep artist 6) Adjective 7) Name 8) Dubstep artist 9) Adjective 10) Drug 11) Clothing article
12) Clothing article 13) Clothing article 14) Noun 15) Body part 16) Dance move 17) Dance move 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Adjective 22) Adjective 23) Time
class tim e
Hey __1__, have you heard of this new music, dubstep? I don’t know how I haven’t heard that shit before, it’s so __2__. Basically, it’s electronic music with these drops, which are instances where the musician makes a noise like two __3__ __4__. Have you heard of __5__? I really __6__ that guy.