The Black Sheep
Hav Fre e a e...l gre ike at a bi su rd! mm er!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 5/3/12 -5/19/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_ISU
brah, best summer ever! Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this
Yeah bro, can’t wait for this summer. I’m so done with school it’s not even funny. Dude, you wanna know how done I am with school? I’m so done with school I haven’t even studied for my finals. That’ll show my teachers. Dude, studying is for losers who don’t know what it’s like to party and have a good time. I don’t need that shit in my life. I mean when am I ever gonna need it? Like the other day my teacher was like, “The Pythagorean Theorem is a^2 + b^2 = c^2” I mean who the hell is Pythagorean? More like Py-nevergonnausethisinmylifeorean! Amirite? Anyway, that’s beside the point. I just wanted to say like, dude, when I come home for summer vacation me n’ you are gonna hang out like every day. We’re gonna be drinkin’, smokin’, havin' sex every day. Not with each other, of course. That would be weird. But no like, I got all these friends from back home, you know, friends from high school. SUPER hot! We’ll hang out all the time. It’ll be fun, don’t worry. Oh, my parents? Yeah they’re… they’re cool, they just don’t like it when I stay out too late. I can really only stay out until 10 p.m., then I gotta come home and help my mom with the laundry and stuff. Yeah it sucks but whatever man, they raised me so I should appreciate it. Oh, and I can’t hang out like all of June, I’m going with my parents to Wisconsin. Yeah my dad’s got a business trip and he wants us all to come with. We’re not going to the Dells or anything fun like that, it’s actually just this townhome in the suburbs of Milwaukee. But yeah dude, July and the beginning of August it will be just you and me. I swear man, we’ll be going to baseball games and partying with chicks. It’ll be just like old times. Oh wait, I forgot to tell you, I got a summer internship. I work from 9a.m. until 5p.m. Monday through Saturday at this dumb place in Bumblefuck, Indiana. It’s gonna be sweet…but that means that I can’t really hang out all that much while I’m in the internship. I um… well I mean you can come visit sometimes. Actually the company is providing me with lodging and they don’t like guests. So listen, I’m gonna be back for like a weekend sometime and we’ll chill. It’ll be awesome. Saturday and Sunday we’ll just party and go nuts.
Other stuff
Inside
Shit, I totally forgot, my dad wants me to help him pick out new shoes on Saturday, and then we’re gonna have some family time that night. Oh, and then Sunday I’m gonna spend the whole day hanging out with my girlfriend. Sorry bro. We’ll hang out next summer. Izzat cool? I know I said we were gonna have a great summer this year, but listen, I’ll make it up to you. I actually gotta go right now. My mom wants me to come with her to the library to help her read the small text in the books so she can pick out the one with the best font for
So You Think You Can Dance Well, you thought wrong. see page 5
her reading. Then she makes me read the books to her. It’s really kind of nonsensical, but I love her, so it all works out. Hey I forgot to tell you dude! I got 40s! That’s right, the complete collection of the 1940s classical jazz records. These are gonna be great on my drive down to Indiana every week. I wanted to show you because I know you would appreciate it. Isn’t this sick dude? I can’t wait for this summer!
She’s My Cherry Stock Pie
Review of Watterson Dining Commons
We break down what’s so great about Normal’s greatest festival.
President Al Bowman leads this critical investigation.
see page 7
see page 15
02
Table of 04
contents 10
12 13
PAGE 4>>
Getting’ Laid Before It’s All Over
PAGE 4 >>
From the Streets
page 10 >>
Bartender of the Issue
page 11 >>
The Top Ten
Page 13 >>
Summer Blockbusted
Hey, you have to tell your friends from home that you did something this semester.
When you graduate, what celebratory drink with you have with your family? What will you toast to?
You can look at Carissa’s ass, apparently, but don’t talk to her.
Ways to Make Good Use of Your Finals Week
How movies that look so right could go so horribly wrong.
page three
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Hamster Rash Mall
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Definition: A disease contracted by associating with the awkward and stupid. “Dan was about to take a girl home until a sudden bout of shleprosy hit when Martin made a bad abortion joke.”
04
From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
When you graduate what celebratory drink will you have with your family? What will you cheers to? “On May 12th, with Irish car bombs in hand, we will cheers to the fact that I will squash any future endeavor I come upon.” - Joe, Marketing
gettin' laid before it's all over Sevin Ketze wrote this Hey there, sexually awkward college-age male. You've come to the right article. Looking to score before summer, huh? Well say goodbye to all your woes! I'm no stranger to intercourse. I've had it more times than I could count on both hands. That's over ten. I'm not even joking. And hey, just because I haven't gotten lucky in a little while, that's just because I'm taking a break from the game, ya see? I don't NEED it. I could have it whenever, I just don't FEEL like it. But you, dude, you can learn from what I have to teach you. You're gonna get more ass than a toilet seat...except they're not gonna shit and piss all over you. Not again. That was such a mistake. Step one: Buy a LOT of cologne. A bottle will probably only last you eight or so applications, and it's like 30 bucks a bottle, so look for a sale. Chicks should be able to smell you from a mile away, so go ahead and treat it like it's body wash. Actually, go ahead and throw out your body wash altogether. You don't need it any more...you wear cologne now, you classy son of a bitch. Step two: Wear old clothes you don't care much about, 'cause there's a really good chance some girl is gonna tear them off because of how fucking sexy you smell. Step three: Get to the party. Do finger-guns at lots of dudes. Chicks dig dudes who do finger-guns at other dudes. That's some Attraction 101 for ya. Step four: Drink a LOT. You ever notice how smooth you are after a few? You can't even fathom how ACE you are after seventeen. Step four, again: It's okay, dude, puking happens. It's your body's reaction to alcohol, or something. Just keep trying. Step four, again again: It's a good thing you wore old clothes, huh? Plus, the barf chunks kinda blend in with the paint splatters and dirt stains. Nobody can tell. You're good to go. Step five: Dance. It's really easy, you just go up to a girl from behind and ask if she wants to dance. She'll definitely say yes, because it's too dark to see your face. I didn't mean anything by that, dude, relax. Anyway, then all you gotta do is start
dry-humping the SHIT out of her. I'm not talking about grinding, dude, I'm talking full on thrusting. She'll see and feel your awesome sexnique and she's GONNA want more. Step six: Step five worked, huh? NO SHIT. It always works. So she's in your room, right? By now she's probably clawing at your junk like a hungry bear. Well, tell that bitch to chill out, cause that fucking hurts.
“After graduation we will drink Irish car bombs, or the most expensive whiskey, and cheers to my winning of a case race!” - Steve, Telecom. Management
Step seven: Grab a condom from your desk drawer. HAHAHAHHAA HHAHAHAHHAHAH AHAHHAHAHHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA, jk dude! Bareback! Woooo! Step eight: I've told you all you need to know. From now on, instinct takes over. Have fun! ...Step nine: Yeah, your uhhh...your junk goes in lower than you might think. You'd think her vagina would be centered in all those folds and shit, but it's on the way bottom. That was pretty embarrassing, but at least it's over! Step ten: Smooth move, man. But hey, staying up is hard for some guys. Heh. Dude, you gotta stop thinking about how awkward this is! That's just making it worse! Just do some helicopter dick, that should get the blood flowing. Step eleven: It's been like an hour and a half, man, you gotta throw in the towel. I'm pretty sure she's asleep, unless she's... is she...oh shit is she dead? Oh shit dude, shit shit SHIIIIT what the hell are—ahaha, false alarm! Boy I hate when that happens! Anyway, you—oh great, she noticed me. Not now, honey, I'm giving your boy toy some advice. But yeah, like I was—aw come on, quit your screamin', you'd be having a WAY worse time if I haven't been in your closet whispering advice to Captain Fantastic over here. So YOU, young lady, are WELCOME. Step twelve: We gotta go, dude. Relax, everything that happened is super natural and normal. The dominant lion mounts the hot drunk lioness, goes until he's tired, apologizes a lot, and then runs away before she calls the lion police. There'll be other times, man. It's not like she's gonna tell everybody how shitty you were in...oh wait....shhhhhiit. Neeeevermind. But hey, at least there's graduate school!
“My mom and I will cheers to the fact that no matter how much money we didn’t have at times…I’m finally graduating! The sweet celebration will require many key lime pie shots." - Nicole, Public Relations
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so you think you can dance Elle_Oh_Elle wrote this
As the school year draws to a close there’s much cause for celebration. And like any gateway drug, celebration leads to bad things. Like fun. Then fun leads to enjoyment and enjoyment leads to dancing. No matter how good or bad you look, or how many times your friends have begged you to stop, some people are determined to dance. There’s many ways to bust a move, but here’s a few freaks you’ll see out on the dance floor. The sober shuffler: You don’t really know what to do with your body. You want to have fun, but it’s so hard because, surprise surprise, you’re sober. You’ll gently sway, clapping your hands occasionally, in the middle of the other ragers who are actually having a good time. You’re being a Debbie Downer by swaying like you’re Mary Poppins, when you should really be Mary Pop-and-Lockin’. Captain“dances on walls”: We’ve all been guilty of this one. Sometimes the wall is the best dance partner. It doesn’t move. You can drop it, turn it, twist it, juke on it, body roll it, and it just stays there and supports you in your attempt to look like a total slut. Caution: you WILL be judged at a party for doing this. The hardcore fist pumper: This one’s a double whammy if you’re tall. You’re fist pumping like you own the Jersey Shore, and suddenly there’s blood everywhere. You’ve been punching the ceiling for a good five minutes and have just realized this. It’s probably time to stop. It’s perfectly normal to stop dancing when you’re about to get some…in this case, “some” meaning “some medical attention”. But don’t fret. You’ll still get your GTL in tomorrow. The person who “only dances if they’re blacked out,” and they clearly are: Beer cup in hand and getting a little rowdy, said person endlessly seeks out dance partners, getting rejected when he spills half his cup on his victim of choice. The dance itself includes some whipping of the hair back and forth and a failed attempt at the dougie. The “about to have sex in the middle of the dance floor” couple: Seriously, if we
wanted to watch porn, we would have stayed in. There are three rooms in this apartment to choose from, and the owner of this apartment wouldn’t mind a random couple banging on his bed. Even if he’ll be pissed, he won’t find out until you get it in. Just stop screwing where we can see it. The girl that keeps juking all over the place: In the middle of the overcrowded, sweaty sauna of a party this girl finds a way to bend over and shake her butt constantly. Not “finds”, “forces”. Judging from the big open circle, you’d think a dance battle had broken out, but nope! This jukester is booty bumping everyone who dares come within five feet of her, jigglin’ her ass around every way possible. We all know who the classy girl is. We’ve all been guilty of at least one of these, and we’ve all loathed the next day, when pictures from the night show up on Facebook and you get to see how “great” you actually looked. Great, as in, "great job, you'll never run for president."
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She’s My Cherry Stock Pie Jim Cherrimeister wrote this
It’s that time of year—spring is in the air, breasts are becoming more and more exposed, and vomit is lining the streets. The time for parties, the time for barbeques, and, most importantly, the time for festivals. Fall begins with Sweet Corn Fest, but it’s time for a spring festival that’s even sweeter. Get out your pitters, kiddos, it’s time for Cherry Stock.
made from cherries! That’s what makes Cherry Stock so great. I assume there’s going to be a lot of cherry limeade, seeing as that’s always a favorite of all the kiddies to beat the hot summer heat. But for those serious cherry fans out there, I’m sure they’ll have some straight cherry juice. Man, I could bathe in that stuff. In fact, I do!
Cherry Stock is everyone's favorite part of the year, except for my friend Steve because he’s allergic to cherries. Well, it’s about time everyone else adopted my motto too: "Fuck you Steve, cherries are delicious." Cherry Stock takes place on the best street on campus—Cherry Street. Why’s it the best street on campus? Because it’s named after cherries, I figured you’d understand that by now. All of Cherry Street shuts down in order to celebrate this momentous fruit, these tiny red orbs that hold the elixir of the Gods, the epitome of innocence. Why else would all virgins carry them around in their vaginas?
And what good would a festival be without food? A bigger travesty than the Hindenburg, that’s what. I’ve already started making cherry tarts with cherry syrup for dipping. It’ll be cherrytastic! I’ve also got a few cherry turnovers cooking right now. I’m hoping someone else will bring the cherry pie, as I don’t have the oven space. I mean, what would Cherry Stock be without cherry pies?! A FUCKING MASSACRE, THAT’S WHAT. Sorry about that. But seriously. Someone had better bring some damn cherry pie, or cherry limeade won’t be the only thing the streets run red with. You thinking Mitch fell by mistake? I pushed him. I’d do it again. Just try to stop me.
One of my friends said that he wouldn’t go to any festival if there wasn’t something to drink. I believe his exact words were, “Steve, I’m not going anywhere unless I can get my drink on. I need to drink or I’ll fail all my finals. Hey, are you writing out what I’m saying? You can’t write for The Black Sheep, I write for The-,” and then he tripped down some stairs or something. Well, still twitching,technically alive body of Mitch, it turns out that there will be ample opportunity to get your drink on! It turns out there are lots of drinks that can be
Last but not least, there’s going to be some entertainment! The Cherries, my one-man Cranberries cover band is going to be playing from whoever’s garage I can break into, and there’s going to be a game of Hi-Ho! Cherry-o! That game is awesome! Come to Cherry Stock, drink some cherry juice, eat some cherry pie, and listen to some cherry music! It’ll be fun for everyone. Except for Steve and Mitch. Because they’ll be dead. Because I’m going to kill them.
DAILY SPECIALS SUNDAY
$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE FREE Jukebox & Bags
THURSDAY .75 CENT WELL DRINKS $2 Any Bomb / $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS DJ VAMPS @ 10PM
FRIDAY
$3 16oz VODKA/ENERGY & WELLS $3 ANY BOMB / $3 MILLER/COORS BOTTLES & PINTS | DJ @ 10pm
SATURDAY
$3 16oz WELLS / $3 ANY BOMB $3 BUD FAMILY BOTTLES & PINTS DJ @ 10pm
MONDAY
$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE
TUESDAY
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SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY: Hot 'N Reggie (Reggie or BBQ Chix) Half-Zones Ready-to-Eat Just $3.19 After Midnight Only!
TUESDAY: $2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Live Music with Kyle Yap at 10pm
The best place to watch the Bulls playoff run and catch the Cubs/Sox all summer long!
THURS
$1 Wells & UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles $2.50 20oz. 312 & Honkers Drafts
Throwback Thursday $1 U-Call-Its No Cover
NO COVER THURSDAYS (w/student ID) EVERY Pitcher, Drink, or Shot is only $2 DJ Brainstorm
Thursday Tots 2 Classic Zones & Box o' Tots for $15
$0.75 Well Drinks $2 Any Bomb $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Long Island Iced Teas DJ Vamp at 10pm
$2 Bud Light or Budweiser Boilermakers (beer with a well shot)
FRI
$1.50 20oz Bud Family Drafts $3 Pitchers $2.50 Vegas Bombs
$3 Stoli Mixers $3 Absolut Mixers $3 Blue Island Shots
LIVE MUSIC FRIDAY! 5/04: Your Villain My Hero 5/11 Saints of Saturday $6 32oz Well Drinks $2 PBR, Keystone, & Icehouse Tallboys
Hot 'N Reggie (Reggie or BBQ Chix) Half-Zones Ready-to-Eat Just $3.19 After Midnight Only!
$3 16oz Vodka/Energy & Wells $3 ANY Bomb $3 Miller/Coors Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10
$3 Pitchers, $3 Bombs $6 32oz Well Drinks
SAT
$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs
$3 Grey Goose Red Bulls $3 Jack & Coke $3 Gummy Bears
Live Music Saturday 5/5 Permanent Crush (biggest Cinco de Mayo party in Blo/No) 5/12 Hairbangers Ball $4 Pitchers of Miller Lt. & Coors Lt. $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys
Hot 'N Reggie (Reggie or BBQ Chix) Half-Zones Ready-to-Eat Just $3.19 After Midnight Only!
$3 16oz Wells $3 ANY Bombs $3 Bud Family Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10
$3 Pitchers, $3 Bombs $6 32oz Well Drinks
SUN
$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Bloody Marys $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs
Check out Throwback Thursdays! No cover!
Spicy Sunday 2 Classic Zones + Danger Stix for $15
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze FREE Jukebox & Bags
$4 Pitchers
MON
$1.75 20oz. Bud Family Drafts $1.50 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Beam, SoCo, and Seagram 7 Drinks
No Cover for Throwback Thursday w/ Student ID $1 Drinks
Check out our website for updated events and specials! daddiosbloomington.com
Monday Munchies 3 Free Cookies w/ Purchase of 2 Classic Zones
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze
$4 Pitchers $2 Bombs
$2 Imports and Micros $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2 20oz Bud Family Drafts
Throwback Thursdays $1 U-Call-Its
Every Friday: $6 32oz Well Drinks $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys
Stix It Tuesday Free Cheese Stix w/ Purchase of 2 Classic Zones
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Every Tuesday Kyle Yap @ 10pm
$2 Bud Family Bottles Bud, Bud Light, Bud Select
$1 Domestic Longnecks $3 Vegas Bombs
Throwback Thursday w/ DJs D1RTY NO1ZE $1 Drinks $1 Beers $1 Shots
Every Saturday: $4 Pitchers of Miller Lite & Coors Light $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys
5-5-5 Wednesday 3 Classic Zones for $15
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Every Wednesday DJ Karaoke
$2.75 25oz Domestic Drafts
WED
FRIDAY: $1.50 20oz Bud Family Drafts $3 Pitchers $2.50 Vegas Bombs
TUES
The Bar Grid SATURDAY: $3 Grey Goose Red Bulls $3 Jack & Coke $3 Gummy Bears
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Fat Jacks 15 Year Anniversary Party! Saturday, May 19th Retrofit Live @10pm $2.75 Fat Jack Cocktails & Pear Berry's 1,2,3 THURSDAY $1.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Domestic Bottles $3.00 Draught Pints
SATURDAY: $3 Pints of Spiced Rum Drinks $3 Corona and Corona Lt. Bottles No Cover! $4 40oz. Bottles of Bud Lt. and Miller Lt. $3 Car Bombs No Cover!
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SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY: $2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm
MONDAY: $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$2.50 Leinenkugel Pints $2 PBR Bottles Open Mic @ 10pm
$2 U Call Its $6 Vodka Red Bulls
$2.25 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime
THURSDAY
SATURDAY: $3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
FAT FRIDAY $2.75 Fat Jack Cocktails $2.75 All Vodka Flavored Mixed Drinks $2.75 Jim Beam drinks $2.75 Heineken & Heineken Lt. DJ Brainstorm at 11pm
Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover!
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts
$6 Long Islands
$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials
FRIDAY
STORMY SATURDAY $2.75 Bacardi Hurricanes and Tsunamis $2.75 All Bacardi Flavored Mixed Drinks $2.75 Coors Light Bottles DJ Chad at 11pm
$3 Pints of Spiced Rum Drinks $3 Corona and Corona Lt. Bottles No Cover!
$4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm
$2.75 Coronas $6 Mason Jar Vodka Lemonades $6 Mason Jar Rum and Cokes
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
SATURDAY
Closed
Closed
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
SUNDAY
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs
MONDAY
TAPPER TUESDAY $2.75 All Draught Beers
$3.50 Car Bombs $3 32oz Drafts of Bud Lt./Miller Lt. $3 16oz Wells $2 Vegas Bombs No Cover!
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
TUESDAY
2,2,3 WEDNESDAY $3.00 Bombs (w/ Real Redbull) $2.00 10oz. Draught Beers $2.00 Well Drinks
$2 You Call Its No Cover!
$2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm
$7 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
WEDNESDAY
SUNDAY FUNDAY All of our $2.75 Specials are on special today!!!
MALIBU MONDAY $2.75 Malibu Mixed Drinks $2.75 Captain Morgan Drinks $2.75 12oz. Microbrew and Import Bottles
Closed
No cover ever!
Closed
No cover ever!
10
Bartender
of the
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Issue
Celebrity you most want to hang out with: Johnny Depp
Major: Dental hygiene Status: Engaged
Celebrity you most want to beat up: Taylor Swift
Age: 23 Weirdest place you've ever hooked up: My school’s auditorium stage. Favorite pick-up line: "You've got something stuck on the back of your ass my eyes!" Personal theme song: None. I rock to my own beat.
Carissa Hoge Maggie miley's
Biggest turn-off: Being hit on while working. Super power you wish you had: I’d like to be invisible.
drinking game:
Sloppy Sixes
With all the perverted and imaginative minds here at The Black Sheep, it’s pretty easy to get carried away with wild drinking games. But don’t get us wrong, we still like classics, quick and easy, just like the way we like our women. Just to prove it to you, we’re keeping this week’s game simple, like your cousin Alvin. What You’ll Need: Any alcohol hiding in the back of your cabinet and some dice. Number of Players: As many cool guys as you can get your hands on. Intoxication Level: We'll make ya extra schloppy! Let’s Get Sloppy: - Line up three cups and three shot glasses, numbering them from one to six. - Fill them up with anything that will get you drunk: beer, whisky, nail polish remover, whatever floats your boat. - Take turns flipping a die. The number you roll is the drink you take. - Do not fill up the glass after drinking from it. - When a player rolls a six, they may give that drink out to another player. - If a cup is empty and you roll its number, you miss your turn and have to fill up the cup instead. Don’t be discouraged, though, you’ll be happy for this break later. The Game Ends When: Either the alcohol runs out or someone yacks. Bon appa-drinking!
Thirsty for More?
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If you could be the opposite sex for a day, what would you do: Eat whatever I wanted! Weirdest thing you've ever seen on the job: A guy dressed as Mario with a cardboard car went outside, "parked" the car in a parking spot, and took a cab home. Best drink you make: A lava lamp. It's bitter and sweet and they work perfect together! What Disney character would you most want to hook up with: Hercules. Can't go wrong with a demigod!
recipe for disaster:
Trix on Stix
Sick of the Rice Krispies Treats we’ve been throwing at you lately? Here’s a new, creative snack for you to try: Trix on Trix on Trixxxx...on sticks. What You’ll Need: Trix cereal, a mountain of marshmallows, a stick of butter, and sticks (popsicle sticks, skewers, used lollipops, whatever). Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s not necessarily unhealthy for you, just dangerously addicting. Why do you think that damn crackhead rabbit is always after the cereal? Let’s Get Baked: - Microwave the marshmallows and three tablespoons of butter for three minutes. - Next, butter up a spatula to make stirring easier. Would you like us to assign someone to butter your spatula? - Add three-fourths of your Trix cereal to the bowl of warm marshmallow-y goodness, and stir to your heart’s content. - Let it cool for about five minutes. - Butter up your hands and start forming balls, squares, octagons or whatever shape you prefer. - Shove a stick in it and there you go! Fancy, sugary hors d'oeuvres for your pregame. They’re kinda like kabobs, but less meaty and vegetable-y. Silly rabbit, Trix are for college kids! And stoners, too. Of any age, really.
THe top ten Ways to Make Good Use of Your Finals Week
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10) Make Incredibly Awesome Playlists on Spotify and Send Them To Your Friends That Are Actually Studying: What better way to help your friends study than by making them playlists that will tempt them to not study! Be sure to thank me at the Best Friends Award 2012. 9) FINALLY Poop In the Hand Statue on The Quad: We’ve all been thinking it since we were freshmen. You had your Barnes and Noble bag full of free stuff in hand, but the second you saw the statue you knew exactly what belonged in that hand. Your poop. 8) Throw a Million Parachuting Army Men Off the Roof of The Bone: So, let’s get one thing straight; I’m not talking about throwing actual ROTC people off the roof with parachutes. I am, however, talking about buying a million little parachute men from the dollar store and throwing those off the roof of The Bone.
A Critical Review of Watterson Dining Commons
Alvin Bowman wrote this
It’s Alvin Bowman, yours truly. The one and only President of Illinois State University. So have y’all been to these dining centers on campus? I hear they’re the shit. I thought I’d give it a shot, you know, reviewing a dining center. I feel like kids would like to know my personal take on food places and what I think of the delicacies that they devour every day while I sit in my learned tower eating my gold-encrusted steak. 7:13 a.m. on Thursday, April 19, 2012 I rappel down from the Watterson Dining Commons ceiling and chuck my ID card at the scanner. I like keepin' 'em on their toes. I find the blonde lady that’s in charge and tell her to empty out one of the coffee pots, fill it with Fruit Loops and milk, and meet me by the TVs. “You know you’ll be getting close to my seat when you feel the temperature rising, cuz I’m settin’ this place a-blaze!” So I sit down by the TVs and some dick is watching EPSN. “Hey, stupid, let’s change the channel! It’s boring watching sports when you’re the one recruitin’ 'em!” I made the little guy stand up on his chair and change the channel. “Turn on The Today Show! I can’t get enough of that Matt Lauer guy! The further his hair recedes, the more of a joke he becomes!” He took too long, so I kicked the chair out from under him. “Bitch, I paid for this chair. You’re not gonna put your dirty-ass feet on this and take your sweet-ass time! Shove it!” And as I told him to shove it, I stuffed his mouth with napkins and sporks. Meal complete. 2:37 p.m. on Thursday, April 19, 2012 Back at Watterson Dining Commons. About to swipe my presidential card in order to get in. Gentleman at the front has orange hair and pink nails. He seems either intoxicated or high on the drugs. I can’t tell which. I saunter past. The girl behind the Asian food counter said they'd start serving General's Chicken again at 3:30. I smiled and beckoned her closer. Grabbed her face with both hands and yanked it most of the way into my mouth. “WRONG ANSWER!” My assistant hands me my remote expulsion briefcase, and five seconds
later the non-student trespasser is carried away. Still hungry. I look around, and the first thing that strikes my eye is the shy girl carrying a tray of hamburgers. “Gimme all of ‘em,” I snarl at her and dump the whole tray of burgers onto mine. As she scurries away I yell, “You kids tell me that I only live once. But do you know what I tell you kids? I’m Alvin Bowman, I live as many lives as I want. I tell God when I’m done with y’all.” 6:12 p.m on Thursday, April 19, 2012 I heard its dinner time so I hopped on my security guard for a piggyback ride back to Watterson. I made my way up the stairs and walked past the cashiers. They asked me for I.D., but I just give my middle finger instead. “Good enough, AMIRITE, biiiiiiiiiiiitches!” I shout as I stroll past them. I made my way straight to the panini makers. I heard rumors about how they had to put up signs that warned students not to be anything other than sandwiches in the panini makers, so I thought, you know, I’d join the club. As I was about two feet away from the panini maker, I found the nearest kid and I said, “Hi five!” and grabbed his hand mid air and put it straight in the panini maker. As I looked one of the dining center workers in the eye I laughed and yelled, “How’s this for not putting a sandwich in this machine?!” I took the kid’s other hand and slapped him in the face. As he took back custody of his hand and slumped to the ground I assured him that indeed, he just became the president’s bitch. I busted out my grappling hook and shot skyward “I'll be watching you. ALL of you.” I zipped up to my sky mansion and sat in front of my 6,000 closed-circuit televisions. On television #4,233, a jaywalker cautiously made his way across an empty street. I pressed the “campus emergency” button on my Utiliversity belt and heard sirens and barking of police dogs. “Safety is our highest priority...motherfucker.” I stepped into my hypersleep preservation chamber and fell asleep to the soothing sound of screams.
7) Have a Wine And Cheese Party While Simultaneously Having a Highlander Marathon: Okay, I get it. We’ve all had a wine and cheese party and we’ve all had a few friends over for a Highlander marathon. But, have you ever considered doing them at the exact same time?! It’s so crazy! There’s wine! Then there’s Connor MacLeod! Then there’s some cheese! And some more Connor MacLeod! 6) Learn How to Ballroom Dance. Properly: Anyone can get on the dance floor and get their freak on and say, “Yeah, sup ladies? You want summa dis?” But, can you do that with class and elegance? I didn’t think so. Good news: Now’s your opportunity to learn how to properly ballroom dance. Bad news: You might have to learn with a creepy forty-year-old dance partner. 5) Ride the Trans-Siberian Express Across Asia: Yeeeaaaaah…the idea sounded nice and exciting at least, right guys? Maybe, just maybe, you can call your parents and ask them if they’ve got a few thousand dollars lying around and if they’d be down for helping you accomplish this dream you just made up. 4) Host An INTENSE Skip-It Tournament On the Third Floor of Milner: It’s come to my attention that you really should use your little sister’s Skip-It that you “accidentally packed when you moved out”. And, what better way than to host a Skip-It tourney on the third floor of Milner? Quick, go make a Facebook event for it right now! 3) Swim With A Dolphin…in the Rec Center Pool: Never swam in the pool? Why not make it your first and last time, for sure, by bringing in a dolphin? I know what you’re thinking: “Great idea, Will! Bravo! I’ll even let you use my spare dolphin that I have lying around!” 2) Cook Everything You Normally Would With a Microwave But Use Your MacBook Charger Instead: If you’re not a MacBook owner, let me explain: MacBook chargers get insanely hot after about two minutes of being plugged in. Since you’ve got all this free time on your hands now, why not fix up a mean Hot Pocket lunch for you and a few friends? 1) Take The Money You Get From Selling Your Books Back and Swim in it in a Kiddie Pool: This is pretty self explanatory. Make sure that you’ve got a kiddie pool ready for such a crazy time. Also make sure that when you sell your books back, that you ASK FOR ALL SINGLES. When the cashier asks why, don’t tell them! You don’t want them to beat you to the coining of the term, “Swimmin’ in it”!
Will Holloman wrote this
Parents say the
Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.
darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”
And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?” “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all
showing off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.
LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino Gain the money Oprah Doe!
“I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”
“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.
Drake- “The Motto”
Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”
Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”
“This song is definitely about drug use.”
Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.
“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in southern
owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming
“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.” “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The disco ball is hang-
ing from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.
Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it.
“This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “
Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.
Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care.
“I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.” Verdict: Neither do we.
summer
blockbusted How movies that look so right
could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.
The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?
Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this… this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars universe, and Ridley It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the coldblooded Mark Zuckerberg. So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us megafrownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in
Scott is decidedly different from stuff-my-pants-so-fullwith-money-my-gunt-getspaper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, callbacks and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.
Gordon becomes a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.
The Campaign
Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:
movies that look crappy
but might just turn out okay Men in black 3
After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John
Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.
Snow White and the Huntsman
Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. to keep the film set in some sort of reality, the movie (Each character awkwardly quickly spirals to a dark place stares at the other for thirty rife with one-liner one-upmanseconds.) ship until the audience’s heads simultaneously explode. And It doesn’t work. Instead of having that’s bad for repeat viewings. a comparatively sane character
In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”
that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.
magic mike
This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”
The Amazing Spiderman Brave
this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.
Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not
cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.
rock of ages
Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.
ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.
Show Us Your Booze! : Cinco de Mayo Edition
show us your booze! cinco de mayo edition
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class tim e the madlib: Your Pre-Finals Breakdown
Well, once I can get my Adderall refill. By “refill” I mean when my ___4___ friend Amanda can get her refill, and then I can get mine and it’ll be fine… it’ll be fine, I swear it’ll be fine. It’s not like I depend on it, but I really just feel like a ___5___ on ___6___ and I can just take on the world, you know? I also don’t eat anything but ___7___ the whole time which is making me lose hella weight – it has no fat! Plus, I’ll get so mad ___8___ once it’s all said and done, blacking out will be a piece of cake. Shoot, I still need to contact my ___9___ professor to see if I can get some notes or a copy of the final or something. Sure, I only went to
class ___10___ time(s) but this semester was busy! Between my Tuesday ___11___ nights with those two girls I met at the bar sophomore year and my Thursday ___12___ club (where we get really philosophical after snorting some ___13___), my weeks are so full! I’m not concerned though, nothing that a nice ___14___ won’t fix to persuade my professor, naymean? Yeah, I’m shaking a little bit. So what? I’ve had about ___15___ cups of coffee in the past 48-hours, I’m just trying to prepare. I literally cannot afford a 6th year of college unless I whore myself out like ___16___ at a hip-hop concert, and even then I’d need to get a job at ___17___ and like, that shit won’t happen, not with these nails. … Whoa. Are you telling me finals aren’t for two more weeks? WHAT THE ___18___!!! Aight, I’m going to bed. Peace.
1) 1950s positive adjective 2) negative adjective 3) Poor country 4) easy class 5) an animal that flies 6) an upper 7) gummy candy 8) slang for drunk 9) hard class
10) Number lower than five 11) Hard Liquor 12) Genre of literature 13 ) common spice 14) baked good 15) big number 16) slutty celebrity 17) discount store 18) swear word
class tim e
Oh guys, don’t worry about me, I’m totally ___1___! Finals ___2___ a lot, of course, but I’ll get through them and life will go on. Like, if all those ___3___ children can live on $1.50 a day or whatever, I think I’ll manage.