Indiana - 12/1/11 - v01i04 by The Black Sheep

H WATC Y E S R E J LOSE RE - ELL O H S AIN C A BR

TAKE ANOTHER FINAL - TAKE A SHOT

GET D BY HO ENIED LOSE T T.A. A TUR N

TA PL LK LE TO AY T O M FT F YOU ER IN O R UT R ES 20

ES LIN N ITE A RECOM ME R 2 FR LS FO S GIR INUTE M

P PO F 0! O $2 TLE GNE ND T A FI O MP B A HA C

1) Play fun games from The Black Sheep when you're procrastinating studying. 2) Try not to get too wasted before your finals. 3) Don't cheat. Or, don't get caught. 4) Enjoy multiple spirits after your last final.

ED AL! SH IN 1 I N F FI ST UG R R FI CH BEE

R RUB YOU D BELLY AN R U O Y T PA R 30 HEAD FO DS N O C SE

YOU'RE DROOLING - GO BACK 3 SPOTS

FANTISIZ E ABOUT B EER FOR AWH ILE

SCOR LEGIT E A S GUIDE TUDY -H AHEA OP D 4 SPO TS

MO FUN RE STU THAT DY RIGH ING, T?

EXPAND YOUR MIND... SKIP 1 TURN

GE T CH CAU GO EAT GH BA ING T ST CK T ! AR T O

FA N AB TASI SP OUT ZE BR RING EA K BA N SIG G YO U N R I F OTH ICAN T E LO R STR SE ESS

FINISH GROUP PROJECT, SQUEEL IN DELIGHT

RULES:

ST LA TER LL H PU -NIG IP 2 L K S AL -S RN TU

E" NG K SI SHA IS L ILK KE "M BY

T W RAD IT E TO H P PA L N LE YO AY TS FT UR ER

UR CLOSE YO D N A S E Y E OT TAKE A SH

H O LD YOU B R F R EATH R O EV JU ER. KID ST DIN G. PUL NIG L AN A TH HTE LL E LIBRR AT ARY

GET A TUTO HOT RSKIP 1 SPO T

EE FR L A D AL FIN DER GAIN A D A LL RO E IZ T OR TEX E N EM M TIRE IN O T N K E O GH BO NI

R Y EMIN O TH URS D AT EL BE IT GE F TTE TS R BU M HO OF A C M M F A IG NE AN ELE XT - S SS K T UR IP N

YOU A R DAMN E SO FA STILL R

ON K GO BOO XT E CE FA SE N N O UR L T

BO BE NG A FO R BEE FIN E LA R AL ST

ME SO ION, T GE IVAT T P. MO ASA

E U'R T YO MOS ! AL ERE TH UP ON CK K Y PI AC WA . -P R 12 OU ME Y HO

COMPUTER CRASHES! DROP THE F BOMB 5 TIMES

The Fun and Games Finals Issue

! e d

i RIX s n T

I MA DE f f T UI

u EN T G t S M F

ES Z N GI UIZ I r A e RT AY , Q E! h OtENTE OLIDDLIBS MOR - - H A ND -M A

A SPECIAL

THANK

YOU FROM US

Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at VCU, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at vcu@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep

@blacksheep_IU Search "Black Sheep Indiana"

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Word of the week PREPROSPEROUS:

CZAR SHANK EM

READY MOM NO

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”

THE DREADED ALL-NIGHTER: A TIME LAPSE KYLE HASSETT WROTE THIS

9) GET A POLAR POP: Hit up a circle k for a refreshing 32 ounces of your go-to drink. make sure you pre-game this study session right. With the proper mix of caffeine and carbonation you’ll study strong through the night. 8) GO TO THE UNION: Find your way to the starbucks and take all of the straws from the counter. then sit down at a table by yourself. Unwrap one straw at a time and make spit balls that you ﬁre off at nearby students until you have gone through the entire pile.

2 Days Before Test - missed the review session. screw it, you’ll learn it all during the all-nighter. but wouldn’t it make sense to at least go to the review before you cram to get a basis for the material? yes, it makes perfect sense. but the last thing an all-nighter does is make sense.

1:00 p.m., Day Before Test - take a heavy nap. you won’t be getting sleep for a long time after you pop that pill, so it helps to get some rest before you go to work. even though you are technically wasting what a normal student might call “solid study time,” don’t worry about it. remember, once you commit to the all-nighter, you’re in all the way.

cused on flipping through the profile pictures of some kid that you met five years ago at your cousin’s boyfriend’s graduation party. If you have a huge problem getting distracted, have a friend that you trust change your Facebook password so that you can’t log on to your profile. 2:00a.m., Day of the Test– the test is in six hours and you’re starting to freak out because you still barely know anything. Relax, friend. You’ll be just fine. Go over your notes repeatedly, until you’ve almost memorized them. Only during an all-nighter is this possible, you’ve got all the time in the world. make sure that you’re moving around every now and then to keep the blood flowing, or else your will literally lock into place for the next week. “really?!,” you ask. Well, no, but do it anyway and stop asking questions, you’ve gotten this far, right?

"YOUR WHOLE BODY SMELLS LIKE BUTTHOLE AND YOU KEEP SEEING A 8:00 p.m., Day Before Test FAIRY THAT'S BEGGING YOU TO CLOSE – Wake up from the nap. YOUR EYES FOR 5 MINUTES." Grab some friends and go out for a big meal, because one side effect from taking study pills is that your appetite completely disappears. so pad your stomach with tons of food, like a bear before hibernation. soon you’ll be in your own hibernation…of awakeness.

9:30 p.m., Day Before Test– alright, now that you’re about to puke from all the food that you just downed, it’s time to really start preparing for this all-nighter. Grab the biggest water bottle that you have, because another side effect from study pills is that they really, really dehydrate you. Unfortunately, this means that you’ll be making frequent trips to the bathroom, so make sure you set up base camp close to the necessary facilities. Open up all the PowerPoints, chapters, and notes beforehand so you’re ready to go once the stuff kicks in. also, make sure that you’ve got some solid studying tunes to jam to, because who wants to just sit there quietly for ten hours? Hit up Pandora or spotify and throw on music that you like but don’t know too well. If you put on your favorite shit, your brain will be singing along the entire time and you won’t get anything done. 11:30 p.m., Day Before Test – by now, you’ve taken your study candy and should be well on your way to a 2.5 GPa…unless you checked Facebook or went on stumble Upon. this is the biggest mistake that you can make, because instead of focusing on your studies, you’ll be fo-

Ways to PROCRASTINATE AT IU 10) ORGANIZE THE NINE THOUSAND SONGS IN YOUR ITUNES LIBRARY: For no apparent reason… other than because you’re cracked out on addy and don’t want to tackle that paper. Who knew you had 42 remixes of ke$ha’s “blow"?

Whenever you’ve got a big test coming up and you haven’t been to class since the last exam, you have to accept the fact that it’s all-nighter time. Once you’ve committed to the all-nighter, there’s no turning back. a student with regular study habits would study a little every night leading up to the test so that they don’t have to cram the night before, but ladies and gentleman, we are not one of these privileged few. We’ll sit on our ass for days leading up to the test, make an investment in some study candy the day before, and get down to business at night. For a more in-depth look at how an all-nighter usually goes down, the black sheep has prepared a time lapse guide to help rookies get through an all-night excursion.

12:00 p.m., Day Before Test -Purchase your study candy. remember, the human body is not designed to naturally stay up for an entire night. that’s why you need to get something in your system that will call your body a pussy until it accepts the idea that sleep is for the weak, and it will go without rested for the foreseeable future.

THE TOP TEN

5:00a.m., Day of the Test – Hopefully, you’re still going strong at this point. If your pill is starting to wear off, then you are royally fucked. there’s no way that you’ll be able to take a nap before the test, so you might as well tough it out. at this point, not a creature is stirring around you, not even a mouse. by now you should be pretty good with the material that’s going to be on the test. If not, you’ve got some serious work to do, because the sun is coming up in about an hour, and that’s really going to freak you out if you’re not prepared. so get prepared, bro. 7:40a.m., Day of the Test (7:40 a.m.) – your test is in twenty minutes (sucks about the 8 a.m., dude). by this point, your whole body smells like butthole and you keep seeing a fairy that’s just begging you to close your eyes for ﬁve minutes. That’s alright; because you are about to (hopefully) dominate this test. the all-nighter is the “Hail mary” of studying techniques. you’re hoping you’ll be able to comprehend and remember a whole section of material that you learned in only a few short hours. all-nighters certainly don’t work for everyone. successfully executing one is equal parts awesome and badass, because, man, who thought that would actually work? Finals week is coming up. Not saying, just saying.

7) STUMBLE!: Hit up stumbleUpon and you will be occupied for hours. be careful, if you’re not diligent you’ll spend all night learning about the tallest cats in america. Interesting, but that information won’t be on the test. 6) TAKE A WALK: Dunn meadow always has some interesting characters on its grounds. you haven’t truly procrastinated until you’ve played a game of frisbee with Moonflower and Hopejustice in December. 5) BUY A SNACK FROM THE CAMPUS CAFE AT WELLS: you always tell yourself it will be a quick study break, and the muffin will serve as brain food to keep you focused--just stretch your legs and you'll be back in no time. too bad it always turns into social hour when you run into a friend in the lobby. Of course you should join their "study group" on the 4th floor, you’ll surely learn some valuable insight on supply-side economics, just as soon as karen is done talking about beth being a bitch. 4) TAKE A SWIM IN SHOWALTER FOUNTAIN: Is there a better way to put off writing that english paper than to get soaked and take funny pictures with Venus’s boobies? No. It’s refreshing, hilarious, and best of all, the school discourages it. so stick it to the man and jump right in. clothing optional. 3) CLIMB TO THE TOP FLOOR OF BALLANTINE: It is almost as impressive as climbing mount everest, and you don’t even have to step foot off campus. Plus, you’ll burn about a zillion calories, so you won’t feel so unproductive in your new, stylish, slightly smaller beer belly. 2) GET DRUNK INSTEAD: an Indiana University student’s favorite way to procrastinate. your grade point average isn’t really that important, so go pick up a brick of keystones and get to studying the bottom of a 12-ounce can. by the end of this session you may not be smarter, but you’ll surely feel smarter. 1) WORK FOR THE BLACK SHEEP: Our staff spends countless hours slaving away to put out this paper. Usually to avoid doing school work. Hey, dick jokes can translate into a full-time job, can’t they?

www.theblacksheeponline.com

QUIZ:

WHAT KIND OF PARTIER ARE YOU?

ELISABETH KLISSER WROTE THIS

1) The reason you chose IU was… a) The ﬁve banners. b) the kelley school of business. It’s well-respected around the world and you were a direct admit…obviously. c) the fact that it’s the #1 party school in america. d) the distance from home.

4) Your favorite class would have to be.. a) my intensive writing course. b) any class I took in the HPer building. c) It’s hard to decide between Nuclear Physics and Organic chemistry. d) class? Oh shit.

2) Your favorite drink is… a) a tall glass of red wine. b) anything I can get my hands on. c) straight whiskey: chasers are for pussies. d) One smirnoff Ice. Just one.

5) Back in high school… a) you were Prom king. every guy wanted to be you and every girl wanted to be your arm candy. b) you were a jock. as the basketball team center, captain of the wrestling team, and linebacker on the football team, you ate freshmen for breakfast and screwed cheerleaders for dessert. c) you were a nerd. you never really partied because it might interfere with you sat prep classes on saturday mornings. d) you were the lead of every school play. you dedicated your life to the theatre program and venting about

3) In 10 years you see yourself… a) as a doctor with a morally-sound wife, two kids, and a goldﬁsh. b) attending aa. c) Living with 12 cats as a starving artist. d) Doing your second jail stint.

madlib: 1: Period of time 2: Name 3: Verb (-ing) 4: Noun 5: Time of day 6: Adjective 7: Noun 8: Campus store that would sell (7) 9: Marginalized person 10: Something you’d have in your pocket 11: Same as 10 12: Verb 13: Noun 14: Area of town

15: Obscenity 16: Verb (-s) 17: Same as 16 (-ing) 18: Obscenity 19: Obscenity 20: Verb 21: Same as 9 22: Group of people 23: Same as 2 24: Obscenity 25: Same as 9 26: Verb (-ed) 27: Noun 28: Same as 3 29: Something that you can (3)

your daddy issues on your blog. 6) Your last girlfriend/boyfriend… a) couldn’t compete with the comfort that a bottle of Jack provides. b) Is non-existent. I don’t really have time for relationships right now… or ever. c) Is named either mindy or cindy… or maybe sarah? I can’t keep all those bitches straight. d) Dumped me. but he keeps inviting me over at like 3a.m. every saturday night… I think he still loves me. 7) This holiday season, you’re asking your parents for… a) an iPad. b) the kindle Fire. c) An engraved ﬂask. d) a new tV for your living room. your other one ended up broken mysteriously after your favorite team lost the big game…

RESULTS 7-12: NATTIE LIGHTWEIGHT the mere scent of nail polish remover is enough to have you drunk dialing everyone in your phonebook. you’re a Hoosier for crying out loud, so grab a handle of karkov over winter break and build that tolerance. 13-18: MIKE TYSON’S HARD LEMONADE Your nights of drinking often end in ﬁst ﬁghts and jail time. this holiday season after you’ve downed a few glasses of eggnog, avoid biting grandma’s ear off over the last slice of Pumpkin Pie. 19-23: WHISKEY WHINER you bitch and moan about all life’s cruelties the second you hit your second wine cooler. you are often found crying and desperately texting your ex-boyfriend. He’s sick of it. We’re sick of it. this christmas, ask for a muzzle. 24-28: BEYOND ALL HOPE ALCOHOLIC you’re so drunk, you can barely add up your score to get the results of this quiz. you spend so much time at sports, you practically pay utilities. this holiday season, make an obnoxiously drunk toast to being the greatest example of a true Hoosier.

1) a-2, 2) a-3, 3) a-1, 4) a-4,

b-1, b-4, b-4, b-2,

ANSWERS

c-4, c-2, c-3, c-1,

D-3 D-1 D-2 D-3

5) a-3, b-2, c-1, D-4 6) a-4, b-1, c-2, D-3 7) a-1, b-3, c-4, D-2

The Crazy Story You’ll Tell Your High School Friends Dude, you won’t believe this story. so, a couple of __1__ ago my buddy __2__ and I decided to start __3__ __4__ as soon as we woke up. Obviously by __5__ we were pretty __6__, so we decided to go get some __7__. On the way to __8__ we saw this __9__. We made eye contact and he asked us for a__10__. Of course I gave him __11__, but only if he’d __12__ for it. after, he wouldn’t stop following us. He kept asking us to go with him to buy some __13__, and ﬁnally we obliged. We’re walking towards __14__ with this guy and all of a sudden he screams, “__15__!” and just starts sobbing. We try to console him, but instead he turns around and __16__. Dude keeps __17__ my buddy, screaming “__18__ you, you __19__ !” Finally, I get my bearings about me, I just __20__ this __21__so hard. It was crazy, but it wasn’t over yet. Out of nowhere these three __22__ show up, __23__’s bleeding, and I’m like, “__24__.” turns out, they weren’t after me they’re after this __25__, because once he __26__ on a __27__. In short, I’m never __28__ __29__ again.

IU’S VERSION OF THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS KATE WAXLER WROTE THIS

www.theblacksheeponline.com the Holidays is a time for family, friends, thankfulness, and celebration of the past year. Here at The Black Sheep we feel the same way. We know you’re probably feasting with your family at home, yet you have to remember to be thankful for the place you spend 9 glorious months of the year. In the spirit of these special days, we wanted to give a little jingle to remind you of the things we love in our fair city of Bloomington. In between teaching your drunk grandma how to play ﬂip-cup with wine, bust this one out at family sing-alongs; we’re sure Dad will be just as proud to know what his money is going towards as you. Happy Holidays - drink up, and sing-a-long Hoosiers! On the ﬁrst day of Christmas Herman B. gave to me, Little 5 instead of Grand Prix.

On the sixth day of Christmas, On the ninth day of Christmas, Herman B. gave to me, Herman B. gave to me, Six days to darty, Nine Big X Bargains, Five fifths of Karkov! Eight JAP’s from Smallwood, On the second day of Christmas Four bar crawls, Seven shirts from shacking, Herman B. gave to me, Three Hairy Bears, Six days to darty, Two fake ID’s, Two fake ID’s, Five fifths of Karkov! And Little 5 instead of Grand Prix And Little 5 instead of Grand Four bar crawls, Prix. Three Hairy Bears, On the third day of Christmas Two fake ID’s, Herman B. gave to me, On the seventh day of Christmas, And Little 5 instead of Grand Three Hairy Bears, Herman B. gave to me, Prix. Two fake ID’s, Seven shirts from shacking, And Little 5 instead of Grand Six days to darty , On the tenth day of Christmas Prix. Five fifths of Karkov! Herman B. gave to me, Four bar crawls, Ten boats to rage on, On the fourth day of Christmas Three Hairy Bears, Nine Big X Bargains, Herman B. gave to me, Two fake ID’s, Eight JAP’s from Smallwood, Four bar crawls, And Little 5 instead of Grand Seven shirts from shacking, Three Hairy Bears, Prix. Six days to darty, Two fake ID’s, Five fifths of Karkov! And Little 5 instead of Grand On the eighth day of HANUKKAH, Four bar crawls, Prix. Herman B. gave to me, Three Hairy Bears Eight JAP’s from Smallwood, Two fake ID’s, On the fifth day of Christmas Seven shirts from shacking, And Little 5 instead of Grand Herman B. gave to me, Six days to darty, Prix. Five fifths of Karkov! Five fifths of Karkov! Four bar crawls, Four bar crawls, Three Hairy Bears, Three Hairy Bears, Two fake ID’s, Two fake ID’s, And Little 5 instead of Grand And Little 5 instead of Grand Prix. Prix.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Herman B. gave to me, Eleven pills of Vyvanse, Ten boats to rage on, Nine Big X Bargains, Eight JAP’s from Smallwood, Seven shirts from shacking, Six days to darty, Five ﬁfths of Karkov! Four bar crawls, Three Hairy Bears Two fake ID’s, And Little 5 instead of Grand Prix. On the twelfth day of Christmas, Herman B. gave to me, Twelve more years in B*Town, Eleven pills of Vyvanse, Ten boats to rage on, Nine Big X Bargains, Eight JAP's from Smallwood, Seven shirts from shacking, Six days to darty, Five ﬁfths of Karkov! Four bar crawls, Three Hairy Bears Two fake ID’s, And Little 5 instead of Grand Prix.

MADLIB: A WILD NIGHT IN BLOOMINGTON BY RYAN KENNEDY

1) LOCAL BAR NAME 2) ADJECTIVE 3) NUMBER 4) VEHICLE 5) BEVERAGE, PLURAL 6) VERB 7) VERB 8) BODY PART 9) BLOOMINGTON STREET 10) NUMBER 11) NUMBER 12) MAJOR 13) PLACE

14) PAST TENSE VERB 15) NOUN 16) VERB 17) FAMOUS ALUMNI 18) NUMBER 19) LIQUID 20) CRIME 21) CAMPUS BUILDING 22) ADJECTIVE 23) PAST TENSE VERB 24) ADJECTIVE

Last night a few buddies and I decided to go __1__ to do some serious drinking. Not surprisingly, things got pretty __2__. We pregamed at my place where we each must have drank over __3__ shots; everyone was wasted before we even left. A sober driver picked us up in my __4__ and drove us to the bar. after downing more than a few __5__, we decided it was time to __6__ on some ladies. things were going great until my friend asked some girl to __7__ his __8__ .It was time for us to leave. From there we wandered aimlessly around town. We turned down __9__, and I vaguely remember having a __10__ minute discussion with a homeless guy about the __11__ years he spent studying __12__ in __13__. the next thing I knew, I was in a headlock outside of Night moves with a bouncer demanding to know why I had __14__ a stripper with a __15__. I told him to go __16__ himself. that’s when the police showed up. I explained I was __17__’s son and that this injustice would not stand, but they wouldn’t listen. I woke up __18__ hours later in Monroe County Jail covered in __19__. The ofﬁcer explained to me that I had been charged with __20__ as well as threatening to burn down __21__. When I ﬁnally got out I was so __22__ that I almost __23__ myself. As I walked to my apartment I smiled to myself knowing that tonight would be just as, if not more __24__ than the last.

MONDAY: Happy Hour All Day and Night! $1 Wells $3 32oz Domestic $4 32oz import $3 Apples

$2 Happy Hour Everyday 3pm-9pm 24oz Bud and Bud Light 16oz Red Stripe Lager Stuffed Sticks and Wings

MONDAY: 4 5 6 Happy Hour $1.50 Well Cocktails $6 Nip and Pound $3 Bloomington Brews $7 Pitchers Miller Lite

$2 Tuesday! $2 Long Islands, Bottled Beer, and You Call Its

THURS

1-”2”-3 $1 Burgers from 5p-? FREE T-shirts at 9pm *while supplies last $1 Cherry bombs, Bazooka Joes, Jäger bombs $2 U-call-it’s Everything under $6 is $2

$2 Dirty Birds Eumatik and the Mundies (12/8) Sister Hazel (12/15)

$3 Thursday $3 Apples $3 32oz Drafts $3 You-Call-Its

$3 Thursdays $3 You-Call-It's Even the Cover is only $3 Monthly Party on Third Thursday!

4 5 6 Happy Hour $1.50 Well Cocktails $6 Nip and Pound $3.50 Long Islands $7 Pitchers of All Light Beer Sink the Biz night

$3 Thursday $3 Food Specials, Long Islands, Bottled Beer, You-Call-Its Free T-Shirt with Cover

$2 Bazooka Joes & Jäger Bombs $3.25 Three Olives Vodka $4 Three Olives Vodka/Red Bulls $3 Miller Lite Bottles

$2 Dirty Birds Electric Ball w/ DJ Benzi (12/2) Main Squeeze w/ Shaggy Wonda (12/9)

$2 House Pints

$5 Double Crown Royal $5 Double Captain Morgan $5 Double Absolute Vodkas $3 Sugared Shooters $5 Cover @10pm Monthly Party on First Friday!

5 6 Happy Hour $4 Franziskaner $3 Absolut, Crown, Captain, Jameson $7 Double Ketel Bloody Mary

Frat Friday $3 Long Islands $3 Pints

$6 Triple Absolut $6 Triple Captain

$6 Double Jack's $6 Double Bacardi Rums $6 Double Stoli Vodkas $3 Sugared Shooters $5 Cover @10pm Monthly Party on Second Saturday!

5 6 Happy Hour $5 Double Absolut, Captain, Crown, Jameson $7 Double Ketel Bloody Mary

$6 Triple Absolut $6 Triple Captain. Kick-off at Kilroy's- open early on home football game days (free t-shirt and breakfast buffet with cover)

Closed

Dollar Double-Ups

Dollar Double Ups $2 Longnecks $3 Long Islands No Cover

$7 Double Ketel Bloody Mary $7 Pitchers Bud/Bud Light/Coors Light

Dollar Double-Ups

$8 Bud/Bud Light Beer Towers $3 16oz Mason Jars (double wells, double Jack Daniel’s, double SoCo Bud & Bud Light)

Karaoke Night $2 Dirty Birds

Happy Hour All Day and Night! $1 Wells $3 32oz Domestic $4 32oz import $3 Apples

Happy Hour All Night $1 Well Drinks $2 Happy Hour Beer $11 Absolut 64oz Fishbowls No Cover

4 5 6 Happy Hour $1.50 Well Cocktails $6 Nip and Pound $3 Bloomington Brews $7 Pitchers Miller Lite

Happy Hour All Day and Night $1 Wells $3 32oz Domestic $4 32oz Import 25cent Wings 50cent Breadsticks

“Taco Tuesday” $1 Tacos from 5p-Close $1 U-call-it’s

Toys for Tots, Fitz and the Tantrums w/ Scars on 45 (12/6)

$2 Tuesday $2 Apples $2 Pints $2 You-Call-Its.

$2 Tuesdays Everything is $2 NO COVER!!

4 5 6 Happy Hour $1.50 Well Cocktails $6 Nip and Pound $3 Bloomington Brews $3.50 Long Islands

$2 Tuesday! $2 Long Islands, Bottled Beer, and You Call Its

Mug Night with $3 32oz Domestic $4 32oz Import $3 Apples $4 Triple Pinnacles 1/2 Price Mixed Drinks, Shots, and Bottle Service

Wednesdays on Walnut Everything is Half Price... EVERYTHING!! Ladies Night No Cover for Ladies

32oz Kirkwood Mug Specials! $1.50 Well Cocktails $6 Nip and Pound $3 Bloomington Brews $7 Pitchers Bud/Bud Light

Mug Night! $3 32oz Domestic $4 32oz Import $3 Long Islands $4 Triple Pinnacles

WED

TUES

MON

SUN

SAT

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY: $5.50 32oz Beer Dot Dot Dot (12/3) Clayton Anderson (12/10)

FRI

The Bar Grid WED: Brothers Mug Club Karaoke Starting at 10pm 15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til ?) $5 Mug Filled, $1.50 Reﬁlls

(Wells, Domestic Taps, Three Olives Flavored Long Islands)

$1.25 Miller High Life bottles

$2 Bazooka Joes & Jäger Bombs $3.25 Bacardi Drinks $3 Coors Light Bottles Bloody Mary Menu $1 Wells

(not including bloody marys)

$5 Bud Light Pitchers $8 Bud Light Beer Towers

(super premiums & pitchers excluded)

$5.50 32oz Beer Dot Dot Dot (12/3) Clayton Anderson (12/10)

Everything under $6 is $1 No Cover for Ladies!

Applecore (12/13)

Brothers Mug Club Karaoke Starting at 10pm 15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til ?) $5 Mug Filled, $1.50 Reﬁlls

15cent Beer $1.50 Mixed Drinks

(Wells, Domestic Taps, Three Olives Flavored Long Islands)

$1.25 Miller High Life bottles

5 O'Clock Shadow (12/7) Main Squeeze (12/14)

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Down Last name of Apple icon The devil’s lettuce Kharkov alcohol Study steroids Local diving hole Name that movie; "Santa! I know him!" Hooray Beer! (two words) Natures Nyquil The worst school in the nation Btown's newest sandwich shop Artist that's on all sorts of "Levels" Last name of celebrity reported to have #tigerblood

ross itter trending symbol venturous Internet browser o” and “tu” spanish nslation together ist of "Take Care" iry and fat, annual spasser gend of Ron Burgundy eryone's favorite ton-mouthed magical agon ndeer with cocaine diction nine sex position maverick graduate (two rds) siness student rite of ssage tradition; "______ five" omington's valuable ource rds' hideout

DOWN: 1) Last name of Apple icon 2) The devil’s lettuce 4) Kharkov alcohol

solution:

G 4 V U O D K N T A

M A S H T A R 7 R I I J K E U 10 S A N 13 H O R M A E D

Q U A R R Y

E 14 T L 15 P U F F R K E Y 22 S H L E E N

S T 21 M A R I P T O N E

J O B 5 6 S A F D 8 D R E R 12 A N L 17 U D O L P U 19 A R V D I U 23 I C O R E I L I M E S

6) Study steroids 9) Local diving hole 11) Name that movie; “Santa! I know him!” 13) Hooray Beer! (two words) 14) Natures Nyquil 17) The worst school in the nation 18) Btown’s newest sandwich shop 19) Artist that’s on all sorts of “levels” 22) Last name of celebrity reported to have #tigerblood

ACROSS: 3) Twitter trending symbol 5) Adventurous Internet browser 7) “Yo” and “tu” in Spanish translation together 8) Artist of “Take Care” 10) Hair and fat, annual trespasser 12) Legend of Ron Burgundy 15) Everyone’s favorite cottonmouthed magical dragon 16) Reindeer with cocaine addiction 20) Canine sex position 21) IU maverick graduate (two words) 23) Business student rite of passage 24) IU tradition; “____ five” 25) Bloomington’s valuable resource 26) Nerds’ hideout

P 20 D O G G I T K C U B A N E 24 L I T T L Y W E L L S

by mack sterr

Down 1 Last name of Apple icon 2 The devil’s lettuce 4 Kharkov alcohol 6 Study steroids 9 Local diving hole 11 Name that movie; "Santa! I know him!" 13 Hooray Beer! (two words) 14 Natures Nyquil 17 The worst school in the nation 18 Btown's newest sandwich shop 19 Artist that's on all sorts of "Levels" 22 Last name of celebrity reported to have #tigerblood

Across 3 Twitter trending symbol 5 Adventurous Internet browser 7 “Yo” and “tu” spanish translation together 8 artist of "Take Care" 10 Hairy and fat, annual trespasser 12 Legend of Ron Burgundy 15 Everyone's favorite cotton-mouthed magical dragon 16 Reindeer with cocaine addiction 20 Canine sex position 21 IU maverick graduate (two words) 23 business student rite of passage 24 IU tradition; "______ five" 25 Bloomington's valuable resource 26 Nerds' hideout

The crossword

questions:

LAPTOP SERVICE! 1 2 4 6 9 11 13 14 17 18 19 22

Cracked glass Liquid spills Broken AC jacks Broken keys Data recovery Drive replacements RAM upgrades Wireless problems AC adaptors in stock Virus/spyware cleaning Slow system cleanups Broken hinges & bezels Custom built PCs Repairs & upgrade all desktops New & used laptops in stock We take trades: working or not All brands Free estimates Since 1996

PC MAX

Computers | Networks | Service

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Holiday Partyscopes!

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 21 - DEC 21.) you are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. yeah, you outdrank that senior at alpha sigma alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22 - JAN. 19) Oh god. Family, you are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? you don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. are they judging me? shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolﬁng down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow. AQUARIUS (JAN. 20 -FEB. 18) you hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. as the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. that’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the t.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. PISCES (FEB. 19 - MARCH 20) you should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. they make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. but maybe at least try a smile or two? the least you can do is bring the candied yams in. ARIES (MARCH 21 - APR. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a charlie sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. TAURUS (APR. 20 - MAY 20) you generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. you are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? you’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony ﬁts in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.

GEMINI (MAY 21 - JUNE 20) you’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. you’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. actually, you might do that. revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now? CANCER (JUNE 21 - JULY 22) you love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. you can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole. LEO (JULY 23 - AUG. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. you might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) VIRGO (AUG. 23 - SEPT. 22) you have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). the family is proud of you, and we here at the sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. enjoy the pressure! LIBRA (SEPT. 23 - OCT. 22) both sides of your family are batshit crazy. and they hate each other. they vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? rUN bItcH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. SCORPIO (OCT. 23 - NOV. 22) rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) they are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.

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THE ULTIMATE AT-HOME DRINKING GAME

ONE OF THE WORST things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. but have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a ﬁfth and a ﬂask, because you're about to get drunk (again).

ON THE CAR RIDE HOME

WHEN DECORATING FOR THE HOLIDAYS...

Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPa this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.

Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inﬂatable decoration.

WHILE CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR FAMILY Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.

WHILE LAST MINUTE SHOPPING Take a drink for every drunk salvation army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on santa's lap.

ON NEW YEAR'S DAY Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a t.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or ﬁst pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2011 Under $25Gift Packages! THE PARTY PERSON

MotorolaA

For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.

THE DESIGNATED DRIVER

Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - yes, there’s puke. but also sweat and pee and blood. this car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - they just cleaned their carpets, dude. c’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPs imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis boulevard.

MR. SUPER BROKE

What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - sometimes it’s important to feel like a ceO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!

trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) NOTABLE FEATURES: android 2.3 network, built-in Fm radio, 8 Gb internal memory, plus an 8mP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) WHY IT ROCKS: this phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. and while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access ﬁles and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? crazy!

Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. you do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.

Lululemon

Destined for Greatness Duffel

Timbuk 2M

PRICE: $140 NOTABLE FEATURES: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) WHY IT ROCKS: this bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect ﬁt to your bod. Just strap it on and go! as if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.

Are You on the Naughty List?

PRICE: $128 NOTABLE FEATURES: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to ﬁt any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) WHY IT ROCKS: this workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other onthe-go occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with conﬁdence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.

essenger Bag PRICE: $120 NOTABLE FEATURES: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) WHY IT ROCKS: this bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to ﬁt your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. and with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually ﬁnd your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. the lconoclast version of this classic timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. anyone you get this for will use it everyday. except for sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.

Lap Dock 100 Motorola

Chrome

Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $249.99 NOTABLE FEATURES: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the atrix 2), motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) WHY IT ROCKS: the lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wiﬁ anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage ﬁngers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the Ncaa tournament last year.

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Homebrewers OutpostB

Short's Brewery

PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) NOTABLE FEATURES: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: all of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the ﬁnest ingredients and it shows. they really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an abV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will deﬁnitely do the trick.

PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) NOTABLE FEATURES: everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT ROCKS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. the process is easy enough, too (check back in the ﬁrst issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?

Peligroso Reposado

42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 NOTABLE FEATURES: smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magniﬁcent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT ROCKS: everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of burnett’s or Jose cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. and since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!

Samsung

Galaxy Tablet 10.1

Variety Pack

eer Making Starter Kit

PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) NOTABLE FEATURES: Includes Adobe ﬂash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) WHY IT ROCKS: this tablet is awesome. the highresolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your ﬁngertips. It runs on the new and improved android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions—making the conversion really easy. check one of these out soon!

Under $25 Gift Packages! FOR THE LUSTY LOVER

(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - really set the mood, until you start your apartment on ﬁre. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be ﬂickin’ their red box.

FOR THE SUPER GREEK

(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-alug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those sperry's fresh.

FOR THE STUDY BUDDY

(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - after you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) they’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - you wouldn't want them to be the douche eating sunchips, would you?)

PRICE: $89 (LARGE, 38' DIAMETER) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) WHY IT ROCKS: Uh, how a LeD light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LeD lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! by default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILe entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOt to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE 2011

SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12

They came from the east when they saw his star rise...

They came to pay homage to a new king...

The Three Wise Men.

The evil King Herod had also heard the news.

Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...

And demanded they find this new king...

...so Herod could destroy him.

They paid him no mind and continued their journey.

The star stopped, they arrived.

Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...

Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.

For he truly was King of the Booze!

Meanwhile...

QUIZ: WHAT HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND ARE YOU? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… a) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. b) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. c) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. and mom, if you threw away that korn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… a) you took down your “co-exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one? b) you took down the hitter box you stashed in your closet. after the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. c) you took down that kate Upton poster. she just doesn’t compare anymore. 3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… a) you no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. b) He’s not wearing a promise ring. c) that beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for the Lord. 4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, a) “Do they have skype? I need to use it.” b) “When did the party ever stop, dude?” C) “Let me put on my Temple garments ﬁrst.”

KEY:

1) a: 2 b: 1 c: 3 2) a: 2 b: 3 c: 1 3) a: 3 b: 1 c: 2 4) a: 1 b: 3 c: 2 5) a: 1 b: 2 c: 3 6) a: 2 b: 3 c: 1 7) a: 1 b: 2 c: 3 8) a: 3 b: 2 c: 1

5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… a) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” b) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” c) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.” 6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… a) People who are destined for hell. b) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores! c) reasonably-priced homes for you and karen to move into in three years. 7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, a) “I’Ve HaD seX!” b) “christ can heal more than just your physical body, my brother.” c) “Hey, does shakey bakes have anything new in?” 8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. c) making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.

8-13: YOU’VE FOUND LOVE!

14-19: YOU’VE FOUND GOD!

While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the Cquiet Friday night you and beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really getting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on youPorn.

there you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and savior Jesus christ?” the next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.

Dylan m dermott

20-24: YOU’VE FOUND…COLLEGE ISN’T REALLY FOR YOU.

beyonce knowles

after a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. and while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPa is closer to 0.4. maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.

Meet The Staff! maNaGING eDItOr Peter rentschler

eDItOrIaL maNaGers katharine rinker bethany aho aDVertIsING maNaGers John yoo Joe Orthwein DIstrIbUtION maNaGer mac Fillet WrIters elisabeth klisser Jillian mandell ryan kennedy kate Waxler mack sterr kyle Hassett Pr/marketING maNaGer alexandria carmen PHOtOGraPHer Issie kellman

Pr/marketING team brian cofer mark Dunn Denise Gibbs alex carmen camPUs DIrectOr brendan bonham OWNer atish Doshi

FOUNDers John yoo, Joe Orthwein, Peter rentschler, atish Doshi, brendan bonham, Heather-Jo erickson, Jimmy Deblasio, Jessica sommers QUestIONs?

info@theblacksheeponline.com aDVertIsING?

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN?

The scoreboard:

5.5 Peter's scOre

peter's answers

Peter IU Black sheep manager 1) because too many men were drafted, which two football teams combinedduring WWII and what was it called?

4) recently, thousands gathered in Helsingborg, sweden to set a new World record for the largest ____________ ensemble.

7) How many ﬂuid ounces are in a gallon?

2) What two colleges did barack Obama attend?

5) What is famous rapper, robert Van Winkle’s stage name?

9) What is the native language of bhutan?

3) What is the only letter that does not appear on the periodic table?

6) Who was the ﬁrst Disney character ever created?

yOUr scOre

8) Which U.s. President is on the $50 bill?

10) In what year was the U.s. capital moved from Philadelphia to Washington D.c. ?

1) chicago bears and Denver broncos 2) columbia and Indiana University 3) the letter "J" 4) skydiving ensemble? 5) Ice Ice baby (Vanilla Ice) 6) mickey mouse 7) 128 8) Ulysses s. Grant 9) bhutaneeze 10) 1800

correct answers: 1) Pittsburgh steelers combined with the Philadelphia eagles to become the steagles. 2) Occidental college and columbia University 3) the letter “J”

4) Ukulele ensemble 5) Vanilla Ice 6) Oswald the rabbit 7) 128 ﬂuid ounces 8) Ulysses s. Grant 9) Dzongkha 10) 1800