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The Black Sheep
e... lik t-s e en hir ter t c ing ont th es at t.. we . t
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 2 2/29/12 -3/22/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_IU
our guide to a cheap and easy Spring Break Elisabeth Klisser wrote this
You have it all planned out. A week filled with all the booze, boobs, and sun the beaches of Florida have to offer. You’re ready to party the stresses of school away on the spring break trip of your life, when you suddenly realize the cost of your week in paradise is adding up. Even one hotel room split eighteen ways is expensive. Add in the cost of all the alcohol you need to keep your Hoosier tolerance satisfied the entire week, the cost of cover at all those trashy clubs on the beach, and oh shit. You forgot food. Looks like spring break on your budget is not going to happen. Good news, though! Your mother cannot wait to see you. How can you have a spring break that is fun but doesn’t put you into even more debt with your drug dealer? Unfortunately, spending your spring break at home may be the answer. Before you start balling like a UK fan after Watson’s threepointer, take a second to contemplate the perks of spending your spring break on mom and dad’s couch. The golden bronze color of skin is something that separates those who spent their break basking in the Cancun sun from the loser that found himself sitting at home on the couch watching reruns of Entourage. This is why, in order to get the full spring-break-skin-cancer-effect, you definitely need to lay out in the yard. There are some advantages to tanning in the privacy of your own home compared to the beaches of Fort Lauderdale. For one thing, you don’t need to be tan before you get there. Just imagine how embarrassing it is to show up to the beach on the first day of your vacation with hundreds of scantily-clad potential spring break flings, while you’re looking as ghostly as Casper. Instead of worrying about tanning beforehand, feel free to lay your pale self out in your yard. Once you get your bronze on, laying out in the middle of the yard could attract some potential spring break hookups after all. Maybe they won’t be quite as promising as the drunken, slutty one night stands available to you on spring break in Panama City Beach, but your creepy neighbor who just hit puberty could work. Score! Another great part of staying home for spring break is the free booze. Paying for cover at clubs and keeping a constant supply flowing through your beach beer bong can empty your wallet fast. But at home you can mooch off of your parent’s
Other stuff
Inside
high-quality liquor, and not have to pay a dime. Your parents know you drink. They sent you to Indiana University for goodness sake! Confront them about your newfound alcoholism, and let the fun begin! It’s undeniable that you’ll miss going to all those crazy clubs where trashy D-list celebrities are supposedly going to make an appearance. Since it would be pretty hard to find a club in your hometown as dirty and cheap as the ones swarming with horny and drunk college students on the beach, you have no other choice. Make your own! Cover all of the windows
The only logical explanation: Aliens.
see page 4
The Truth Behind LMFAO’s Fame
in your basement with black construction paper, hang some Christmas lights, crank up that mainstream shit, and charge $10 for cover. Also, hire your father as a bouncer. The more exclusive and mysterious your club is, the more freshmen in high school you are going to attract and the more cash you are going to score! So maybe spring break at home won’t be so bad. After spending the week with your ‘rents you will head back to Bloomington with a sexy tan, a great buzz, and a ton of extra cash. Still not convinced? Well, there’s always next year.
We prognosticate on IU, Purdue and learning new, big words.
see page 6
Too Early For March Madness? Never!
like the chelsea handler, that lunatic taking shots at the bar every second
see page 11
Media Stereotypes You Meet on Break
02
Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 5
The Top Ten
things we all think in class but never really say...out loud... in class..
contents 7
Party Pics and a Contest
Look at how funny and hot you guys are!
page 7 >>>
Those Classmates You Just Hate
10
Oh, you mean everyone?
page 10 >>> PAGE 11 >>>
Bartender of the Week
It’s Phildiculous that this guy wants to bang Aladdin’s Jasmine to James Brown’s “Sex Machine.”
What You Don’t Know About Turning 21
Dirty little secret: It’s just like every other shitty birthday you’ve ever had.
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page three
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Definition: A homer-centric point of view in which a fan of a sport team expects success in the face of obvious failure. Even with a gutted far system, albatross contracts and a horrible outfield, Jennifer’s fantage point meant she thought the Cubs were destined for the World Series.
04
The Truth Behind LMFAO’s Fame Kyle Hassett wrote this
THe top ten Things We All Think in Class But Don't Say Out Loud If nothing else, college is a shared experience. We all have to take similar classes, we go on similar adventures and we wake up next to similar people. No doubt we all share another thing in common: we’ve all thought these things in class. 10) "I wonder if this fart would make a sound if I let it out right now. This high-risk, high-reward proposition will make or break my social standing in this class. If I get caught, doom, but if I can pass this gas off onto the kid who looks smelly, I’ll be good to go. Alright, here goes nothing..." 9) "If I sprinted out of class the second that this professor turns his head, will anyone say anything? Probably not, but screw it, I'm way too hungover to run right now." 8) "What do you mean the only seats available are in the front row? How am I supposed to space out when the professor’s only a few feet away from me?”
Last Friday, while I was on one of my usual Twitter rants about how LMFAO is ruining the music industry, something strange happened. Someone named “@Area51Truth” Tweeted at me and instructed me to enter a private chat room with him if I wanted to know the real story behind LMFAO. Since I don’t have any Friday classes I was determined tosee what this possible pedophile had to say. I clicked on the link to the chat room, and was then prompted to fill out five pages of personal information and approve countless secrecy agreements, which I did. Like I said, I really had nothing better to do. Once I finally got into the chat room, I found myself on a video call with none other than Robot Pete. You might know him as the guy from all the LMFAO music videos who wears the huge cardboard robot head. I pinched my left arm to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, and sure enough, didn’t feel anything. But then I remembered that that was the same arm I had been sleeping on for the past thirteen hours, so false alarm. Robot Pete began to speak me in a voice that sounded like a mix between Darth Vader and Morgan Freeman. “Greetings, @HassClown2. Prepare to have the United States government’s best kept secret revealed onto you.” “But why me?” I said. He hung his head a little and sighed deeply before he answered. “Because everyone else in the freaking world can’t get enough of LMFAO. It seems that the two of us have a mutual hatred for them, so I want you to help me destroy them, before they destroy society. But first, you must know their true origin.” For the next three hours, Robot Pete disclosed to me an unnecessarily lengthy and over-detailed story about LMFAO’s true rise to fame. I’ll supply you with the shortened version in an effort to save paper and precious time. According to Robot Pete, who is actually a rogue FBI agent that has infiltrated LMFAO, the groups origins are connected with the 1947 Roswell UFO Incident. The two members of LMFAO, Redfoo and SkyBlu, are actually aliens that crash-landed here on Earth, which explains why they are so hideously ugly. The U.S. government has been running tests on them for the last sixty years in order to learn more about where they came from and how they interact with humans. They learned that the two creatures weren’t too dissimilar from humans, so they allowed them to interact in society during the mid-2000’s while being closely
watched by government eyes. After a few months of observing human life, the two aliens became especially interested in college-aged people. The concept of partying was a new one for the two aliens. They couldn’t understand how these kids could devote the majority of their time to drinking excessive amount of alcohol and being completely reckless. One night, they managed to sneak into a party at a local university, where they got extremely plastered. And since that night, they devoted all of their time to researching the concept of partying. The aliens soon realized that in order to keep on partying, they would need a lot of money, and since Americans idolize celebrities, they decided to form a pop group hell-bent on doing nothing but drinking and partying. And since those are the two things that college kids love to do, they quickly skyrocketed to the top of the charts. By this point, the U.S. government had completely cut ties with LMFAO because they were “just such douchebags.” “And there you have it. The world has been idolizing the mindless music of these two aliens without even knowing the truth,” said Robot Pete. “But we need to destroy them, because by forcing the youth of today to want to constantly drink and rage, our country will be ruled by even more incompetent assholes when these kids get out into the workforce. So here’s my plan…” But I wasn’t about to listen to another long-winded lecture from Robot Pete, so I came up with an alternate plan. “Why don’t we just wait until everyone gets sick of them? Just look at all of the similar groups who loved to party that came before them: The Black Eyed Peas (“Let’s Get It Started”), Baha Men (“Who Let the Dogs Out?”), and 50 Cent (“In the Club”). All of these groups have fallen off the face of the Earth. So why not just wait a few more months until everyone cringes every time one of their songs comes on?” “Uhh…yea that plan is way better than mine. Let’s do that.” Robot Pete then bid me farewell and signed off. Although I want to walk into traffic every time an LMFAO song comes on, it would appear that they won’t be around for much longer when history repeats itself. So keep “Party Rocking” while you still can, America, before LMFAO takes the route of the Baha Men, who, as part-time dog handlers, really are letting the dogs out.
7) "Shit, we have a test today? I’m screwed. Alright, calm down. I've cheated my face off before and I'll do it again. Now which person in this room looks the smartest?" 6) "You take attendance? In other words, you give me credit for sitting in this lecture hall and playing Temple Run? Sweet, I’ve been looking to crack the 2 million point barrier." 5) “God, I’m not sure why, but I really, really don’t like that guy who sits in the front right corner. I mean why does he wear his hat so stupidly? And why is he wearing shoes? I bet he thinks he’s like, the mayor of Shoeville. Fuck that guy.” 4.) “I wonder what my teacher is like on the weekends. I wonder if he has kinky sex with his wife? I wonder if he’s into some really freaky porn. Yeah. I bet this dude totally gets off to chicks blowing horses.” 3) “My TA is so hot. My TA is so hot. My TA is so hot. Damn. I should look him up on Facebook. Wait—this dude’s 33? Yeah, he should make his account private if he wants any classroom tail." 2) “Why can’t this stupid teacher stop talking for one goddamn second? This material is so useless it doesn’t even relate to the course, there are so many things I could be doing, How I Met Your Mother reruns are on FX right now!” 1) “This bitch in the front really needs to stop raising her hand. Again?! Really? Quit volunteering, you’re making the rest of us look bad. Don’t give me that look, obviously I didn’t do the reading, and yes, I am taking this class because it’s a degree requirement.”
indiana staff wrote this
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Too Early for March Madness? Never ryan kennedy wrote this
www.theblacksheeponline.com Are you ready for March Madness? Great! Less than a month until tip off. Some people will say that filing a preview of March Madness a full two weeks before Selection Sunday is slightly premature. Those people can go to hell. Here at the shining beacon of journalistic excellence that is The Black Sheep; we take great pride in getting stories to our readers as fast as humanly possible, even if it means cutting a few corners here and there in the research department. That being said, here is The Black Sheep’s 2012 March Madness preview: Things to watch for: Indiana making its first tournament appearance under Tom Crean: We’ve struggled away from home all season. Thankfully, those days are over. If all goes according to plan, we should enter the tournament with some serious momentum. How we will perform on a neutral court remains to be seen. How far will we go? About as far as Cody Zeller’s lanky arms can carry us. Kentucky star Anthony Davis’ eyebrow: Davis leads the nation in amount of hair between the eyes. Apparently he’s pretty good at basketball too, because he’s expected to declare for the NBA draft after the season. I honestly do not understand how he has reached this point in his life without shaving that thing. You’d think enough people would make fun of it on Twitter to guilt him into fixing it. Purdue guard Kelsey Barlow: I had written quite a bit about Kelsey Barlow’s antics, both during his time at Purdue and in personal experiences I had with him in high school. Then—no shit-- in the time it took me to write and edit this Barlow managed to get himself thrown off the team. It turns out Purdue baseketball
players can’t hold their liquor. That girl you let fill out a bracket with you and your friends: She’s going to win. She’s going to make her picks based on uniform color or team mascot, and she’s going to win. All your dedication and research will be for nothing. The universe is cruel and that’s just how it works. Again, she will win. Bold Predictions • An inferior squad will embarrass Purdue for the second year in a row. Robbie Hummel’s tears really sparkle in high definition. • Harvard, inspired by Jeremy Lin’s surprising NBA success, will dismiss its entire squad and replace them with players of Lin’s caliber. As the NCAA’s first entirely Asian team they will make it to the Sweet (and sour) Sixteen. • After a freak tanning accident, Tom Crean will be the second orange man to coach a team in the tournament. (Bruce Pearl was the first.) • St. Mary-of-the-Woods College will not make the tournament. They are defensively weak and lack the height necessary to win the rebounding battle. They’re also an all girls school, which doesn’t help their case at all. My Pick Picking the winner of March Madness is a crapshoot to begin with. Any team could get hot and make a run. After many hours of careful deliberation I decided on my pick: Oral Roberts. I pick them every year, but it never seems to happen. I definitely feel good about this years team. They’re due. The name is pretty funny too, so they’ve got that going for them.
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Those Classmates You Just Can’t Handle Kendall McDougal wrote this College kids are all too familiar with the dreaded sound of a blaring alarm clock on a Monday morning. With every passing week it never seems to get easier to drag our asses out of bed to sit in on yet another thrilling lecture. As you stroll into the lecture hall caffeine in hand, you look around for a seat that is: 1) )Near no one else already sitting down. 2) Towards the back so you can be on Facebook the whole time. 3) Near the door so you can dip immediately when the professor ends class. Ah, you spot the perfect location that fits all your criteria and get settled in, feeling victorious. But not so fast. Just when you think you’ve got the perfect setup to survive the painfully boring lecture, your fellow classmates start to walk in…and proceed to ruin everything. You’re sitting there peacefully minding your own business when out of the corner of your eye you see homeboy walking up the aisle, getting closer and closer to your row. “Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it,” you think to yourself. And wouldn’t you know it, that dumbass plops down in the seat right next to you, despite the fact that just about the entire lecture hall is open. Then, as he attempts to get out all his shit that he needs for class you’re getting endless elbows in the side. Fantastic…oh, and the best part is this kid decided not to shower for the past month. He smells like straight shit so you can’t even focus. But lucky you, the fun is just beginning.
Next walks in a group of the loudest girls on the face of the earth. This motley crew comes in with their iPhones out and their voices loud. They all file in behind you, filling up the entire freaking row with their matching Sperrys, Macbooks, and Longchamp tote bags. Throughout the entire lecture these broads do not shut up. It becomes nearly impossible to hear anything besides their “crazy” weekend stories and boy troubles. They make you feel like you have no friends as you sit in silence by yourself while they gossip back and forth about their thrilling lives. So depressing. As the 50 minutes from hell is finally about to end you start slowly packing up your stuff, the professor eyeing you suspiciously as the zipper from your backpack makes an awkwardly loud noise. You stare at your phone as the final minutes pass – you can almost taste the fresh air outside, the freedom is so close. Your professor scans the room and then he says it: “Anyone have any questions?” Shit. Here it comes. You cringe as you see a hand at the very front of the room shoot eagerly up in the air. That bastard. The professor calls on him and it begins… “Um so, for the assignment due on Wednesday, what exactly are you looking for? Does it have to be a certain length? Do we need to cite our sources? Would you like it typed or handwritten…?” And it goes on…and on…and on…and on. Has this kid ever heard of meeting with a teacher after class? You begin to get restless as his questions continue and your lecture has
now gone five minutes over. And of course the professor is eating this up and going into insane detail with each question. This has to be a joke. After an eternity of ridiculous questions that could easily be answered with some common sense, the kid finally shuts his mouth and the professor dismisses the class. You made it. Time to put your coat on, grab your alreadypacked backpack, climb over the worst smelling kid at Indiana University and get the hell out of there. After all, you need to get home so you can have a full 48 hours to mentally prepare yourself for it all over again on Wednesday.
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Bartender
of the
Issue Nickname: Phildiculious Relationship Status: Taken Favorite Drink: Captain Morgan and 7-Up
What is your life motto? Live every second of my life to the fullest
Dream Job? National Geographic photographer or a wedding planner
What would your porn/stripper name be? Phil the Drill
Which celebrity would you punch in the face? Nancy Grace
What is something your parents don’t know? That I almost died in Alaska on a salmon boat when I was 19.
Which Disney character would you hook up with? Princess Jasmine
l i h P canopy club place bear's
What is your theme song? James Brown “Sex Machine”
What is the funniest thing you’ve seen while working? During Little 5, a girl broke a Hairy Bear then threw her pants down and said “I’ll piss on this table!” Worst hook-up story? I went on a blind date with a pregnant, crippled girl with 10 rats that lived in a trailer park and was artificially inseminated.
drinking game:
party twister
There’s no better feeling than destroying the innocence of your childhood with massive amounts of alcohol. Next to the Arthur drinking game, Drunk Twister is the best way to do it. Grab a few friends, a couple hundred dollars worth of liquor and beer, and you’ve got yourself a night you’ll never remember. What You’ll Need: Twister mat and spinner, hard alcohol, beer, and 24 shot glasses. Number of Players: Two or more people, preferably hot and naked girls. Level of Intoxication: Pretty high, even worse if you’re an uncoordinated fuck. How to Play: - Set up the game mat: place a shot of beer on each blue and green circle and a shot of your choice of hard alcohol on each red and yellow circle. - One person takes control of the spinner. He or she must take a shot of beer every time the spinner lands on blue or green. If the pointer lands on the line, the spinner has to chug a beer for spinning like a dumbass. - For each turn, the player who is up moves his or her body part to the color that is called out by the spinner. Before securing their position, the player must finish the shot in the circle. - Once a shot glass has been taken off a circle, that spot can no longer be used for another turn. - If at any time a player falls over on to the mat, he or she must chug a beer for every fallen shot glass. The Game Ends When: There are no more shot glasses on the mat or the naked girls have just turned it in to a giant orgy.
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Biggest turn off? Ditziness What dead person would you most want to bring back to life? Jimi Hendrix Best song to “Set the mood to?”: Chris Issak “Wicked Games” 3 Things on a deserted island? A ping pong table, my iPod and a king sized bed.
recipe for disaster:
irish bananas St. Patty's Day is right around the corner, and as much as we all love Dr. Seuss, the joke is overdone. Don’t be the schmuck trying to impress people with your green eggs and ham. Green eggs and ham are out, Irish Bananas are in! What You’ll Need: Butter, brown sugar, Irish whiskey, bananas, vanilla ice cream. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Don’t let the bananas fool you; there is absolutely no nutritional benefit to these babies. Let’s Get Baked: - Melt butter in a skillet. - Stir in brown sugar and whiskey until the whiskey reduces and turns syrupy. - Add bananas to the skillet and simmer until bananas are glazed with the syrup. - Serve immediately with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. - It’s just that simple. Drunk people everywhere will flock to your party when they hear you are making this alcoholic delicacy, so be sure to make enough for all the friends you’ll meet when you’re drunk but never talk to again. They’re the best!
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What You Don’t Know About Turning 21 Kate waxler wrote this Turning 21 is the holy grail of birthdays. It’s the day you’ve been waiting for since you realized going to the bars was something for the elder, something for the wise, something worth qualifying for. It’s the day when everything finally becomes right in the world because ordering a giant fishbowl to yourself is entirely, totally, unabashedly legal. The day when you waltz on up to that bouncer at Kilroy’s and hand him an ID that says your own name, not Kelsey Jones from Arizona. This, my friends, is one of the biggest days of your life. So…now you’re 21. You can get into Kilroy’s, Sports, and Nick’s without freaking out about getting denied or being caught by excise. You can buy handles of Karkov from Big Reds and not worry about getting your ID taken. So…now what? You always hear about how unbelievably mind-blowing it is to be 21, but what about all the shit that comes after your 21st? For starters, the birthday night is never all its cracked up to be. To all you “5-shots-andI’m-drunk” sorority girl types, please spare us and don’t even try to finish your shot book— lie. No one will know the difference, and you’ll save yourself a night of puking, falling, and humiliation. There is a 93% chance that you will be kicked out of the bar on your first night there, and most likely won’t remember the night at all. Attempting 21 shots never ends well. Once your birthday is over, you now are among the lucky few to be responsible for your friends on their 21st. You get to shuffle them from bar to bar with their arm around your neck, hear them scream in your ear 21 times “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, BUY ME A SHOT!”, pick them up immediately after falling on their ass and pretend like their ex didn’t just see, hold their hair back when they are puking in the Sports bathroom, try to convince the bouncer to not kick them out, the list goes on and on. And did I mention that is only that night? You will spend the next day explaining everything that happened, all while bringing them endless amounts of water, Advil, and Bloomington Bagel (which you pay for as well).
Turning 21 not only does damage to your liver, but also seems to do serious damage to your bank account. You better hope mommy and daddy don’t check your bank statements because if they do, there’s a really good chance they will be asking why you keep making withdrawals at around 1 a.m. every Thursday, Friday, Saturday. The amount of money you will spend on paying for cover, shots and the coat check will rip your bank account to shreds. And even if you aren’t buying drinks for yourself, you have now assumed the official role of going on alcohol runs for everyone in your phonebook. You may think that turning 21 makes you more popular, but those long-lost friends wanting to “hangout” really just want you to buy their underage asses some booze. I hate to be the bearer of bad news Hoosiers, but turning 21 doesn’t fix all your problems. Will Sheehey isn’t going to buy you a shot at Dunkirk, you still can get arrested for public intoxication, and if a Dirty Bird isn’t mixed just right it will taste like shit. Maybe its not all its cracked up to be- maybe us underage students are living the dream and we don’t even know it? Guess we won’t know until that faithful day. To everyone still dreaming of that special day, happy waiting!
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the media stereotypes you meet
on spring break! the the chelsea handler ted mosby He’s been your best friend since Jeremy Daniel gave you simultaneous wedgies in the fifth grade. You dormed together freshman year, but when you rushed he decided to chat with his three-statesaway girlfriend over Skype. It wasn’t until his junior year that he discovered she was cheating on him. Though you rarely talk these days, you decided to invite him on spring break. Now you’re in club dancing with hawt womenz as he shoots you “please come end my boredom” daggers from across the room. You let your slam-dunk slam piece go and mosey his way. “Dude, there’s hundreds of sluts here for you to bone,” you mutter. “I don’t want to talk to any of them,” he downtroddenly claims. You give him a half dozen “How ‘bout her?” options, but it’s always, “Too fat,” “Too skinny,” “Weird freckle,” “Missing a leg.” You’re regretting that invite, as you hate him almost as much as he hates himself.
Before leaving for spring break she excitedly shows you a shirt she bought for the vacation. You frown as she unfurls it, so she feels the need to explain, “It says ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’! Get it?! Plus, it’s white, which will be absolutely perfect for a wet t-shirt contest.” Yes, she’s an attention whore, but that doesn’t take away from her more normal whoreish qualities. As you roll into Panama City Beach she demands the group stops at Wal-Mart before checking into the hotel because she wants to do a vodka shot minutes after the gang gets into the room. Over break she’ll claim to invent the “tan nap,” which is really just an excuse for her to pass out next to the pool. This is fine, she needs all the rest she can get, what with the stop-start self-esteem sex she has with a different, flaccid, barely-conscious dude in your bathroom each night.
the annie walker She sidles up next to you at the bar and within minutes you’re smitten. She’s cute and she’s sucking back shots faster than the bartender can pour them. The two of you trade adorably awkward glances because, hey, you’re both the shy type. Finally serendipity strikes when you both turn to each other and say, “Hi, I’m-,” bursting out in laughter an instant later. The glimmer in her eye and the stirring in your swim trunks both indicate things are going well until she says something goofy. Shit hits the fan. The conversation’s momentum dies and the glimmer in her eye turns into a glassy shell that does little more than hold in orbs that are just waiting to bulge out of her head. She’s stumbling over her words, stumbling to the bathroom and she tumbles to the ground just as she covers it in a thin puddle of puke. Feel free to give yourself a mental high-five, acting the ass is what those low self-esteem hotties do.
It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a fictional character on spring break, unless you have some really, really good ‘shrooms. Still, you’ll certainly meet someone that’ll remind you of that one guy you saw in a movie that one time. Like these folk! By: Brendan
the van wilder You’ll spot the Van Wilder from a few dozen yards away. His hot, oiled body glistening in the sun, his perfectlycoiffed hair reaching for the sky as though even his keratin is surrendering to his sparkling blue eyes just a few inches south. Guy or girl, your knees quiver in anticipation as you pray he talks to you. He asks, “Hey, need a beer?” as you rush to tumble a sloppy “Yes!” out of your mouth. He murmurs, “Alright man, give me twenty bucks and I’ll be back with a case in a few.” What? You begin to catch on. Those flip-flops look like they cost several hundred dollars, and his board shorts look to be a brand you can barely pronounce. This guy’s gotta be north of thirty. What kind of grown-up douchebag still celebrates spring break?
the taco macarthur the Leslie Knope You open your eyes, roll over and look at the bedside clock. It’s 10:15 a.m. Four hours of sleep? Jesus. You will yourself out of because there’s only two days of break left and much tanning left to do. You angrily stumble into the bathroom only to realize she did it again. Taped to your mirror is the day’s itinerary: 10:30 a.m. mani-pedi followed by a 11:15a.m.-1:30p.m. spa session? Doesn’t she know that you just want to eat a stale bagel from the continental breakfast, slam a beer and hit the beach? She’s everything you love in a person: Organized, driven, adventurous and loyal, but she can’t get the notion that you just want to sit around drinking beer on the beach through her very pretty skull. You hear her rustling around in the living room, so you decide to hide in the closet until it’s 10:35. You’d chip your manicure cracking open beers anyway.
You’re barely out of the state before you have to scream at him for casually lighting up a spliff in your back seat without asking. He barely utters a word during the entire 18-hour journey, tossing in a “Yeah, cool, whatever.” when you periodically ask him if he’s still alive. You exit your condo’s bathroom only to discover a text message claiming he’s gone down to the beach to smoke an apple bong with some girl he met in the elevator. Every night you stumble home from the club frustrated that you’re still not getting laid, and every night you walk into the room and he’s there with a half dozen girls he met on the beach. The rational part of you wants to hate him for succeeding with minimal effort when you fail while trying so very, very hard. Your penis loves him though, because hey, tits.
the music page the black sheep interviews:
Good Old War
Usually wars divide, but Philly indie group Good Old War actually spawned from another band’s split. With new album Come Back as Rain due out March 6th the band is embarking on a nationwide tour to support the release. We sat down with drummer Tim Arnold to talk about music, touring and sandwiches. The Black Sheep: In a couple weeks your new album Come Back as Rain drops. Can you talk about how you guys go about creating an album? Tim Arnold: Usually Keith and Dan bring some ideas to the table, we’ll listen to them and we’ll decide what we’re going to do. I’ll lay down a drum beat, we’ll get some harmonies and we’ll have a song. For Come Back as Rain I wrote a little more, and we broke each stage of the music down together. We wanted to really get our mitts on everything. TBS: You mentioned you participated more on the writing of this album. Was that a personal decision? Were you asked to write more? Tim: It was a natural thing. There was no pressure, Keith and I would get together and I would have ideas for parts. TBS: With three different people giving artistic input how do you make sure a tune stays within the larger theme your music has? Tim: Well, here’s an example: There were a couple of songs on this new album that started out as electronic beats with a good melody. They were a little dark, but after everyone in the band goes through them and does their thing, the end result is a Good Old War song.
cd review
out now
fun. some nights The latest from former Format front man is inevitably very fun.
For those who are completely out of the loop, fun. is the byproduct of Nate Ruess’ genius. Having been the lead singer for The Format, a band who exemplifies the sound of indie pop in the early 2000s (surely you remember it all— Relient K, Jack’s Mannequin, Death Cab, etc.), but they unfortunately broke up in 2008 after releasing two great albums. Lucky for us, Ruess got the hell out of Arizona and into New York City, forming his now successful group fun. with Andrew Dost of Anathallo and Jack Antonoff of Steel Train. And my, how they have blown up! Gaining attention after having one of their songs featured in a Chevy commercial that originally aired during this year’s Super Bowl, their sophomore release Some Nights might finally catapult them into mainstream success. The thing about fun. is that you’ve got to appreciate and possibly learn to love Ruess’ theatrical voice and sound— so, understandably not for everybody. Having been compared to voices like Freddie Mercury, fun.’s sound is amusingly similar to a circus; it’s over the top, loud, entertaining, and upbeat even when the lyrics are not. The album starts off inspired and leads into the aforementioned Super Bowl-featured tune, “We Are Young.” Though the song is good with the inevitably catchy, chanting chorus that’ll make anyone stop and listen, it’s by far not the only track worth noting. The album continues on with surprising auto-tune (“Stars,” a great song… but seriously with auto-tune), brief moments of strange
GRADE B+
electronic (“It Gets Better”) and gospel like intensity (at least a few moments in almost every song). Though there is a similarity in all of the songs, each track has its own unique sound that leaves the album interesting rather than predictable. Though fun. is different than The Format, their sounds are not entirely too far off due to Ruess’s unique voice and once in awhile the former bands’ sounds can’t help but come out. “All Alright” is definitely reminiscent of his former band—deep, passionate sounds that Format fans love and remember, and of course the depressing lyrics that no one wants to admit being able to relate to, but true nonetheless. Fun. overall is much, much more upbeat than The Format and it’s wonderful to see Ruess’ second project not fall flat on his face like it could have. So, the sophomore curse? Please – Ruess’ sophomore release with his sophomore band is just as good as ever. It’s amazing to see a talented artist have produced great music with his former band, change as people naturally do and follow his heart in a new direction, and continue to produce new, quality music. Well done, Ruess; we look forward to continue growing up with you. Sounds Like: A mainstream circus. Download: All Alright, Why Am I The One, We Are Young Listen to it When: Your spring break road trip, of course.
TBS: When you’re writing for an album where do you get your subject matter? Tim: For the most part it’s just personal experiences and writing what you know. Sometime we’ll have a little fun and make up some stories, but mostly it’s family, girls, stuff like that. TBS: You’re from Philadelphia and Come Back as Rain was recorded in Omaha, Nebraska. Why? Tim: We want to be a place with no distractions. If we recorded in Philly there’d be wives and babies and friends to take care of. TBS: You guys are gearing up for a two-month long tour. What kind of preparation goes into making sure you’re mentally and physically sound for it? Tim: I feel like it’s mostly rehearsing. By the end of the tour you’re tight from playing all the time, but at the beginning it can be dodgy. There’s not a whole lot of physical preparation or anything, I feel pretty natural on the road. TBS: You guys have played really huge shows like Coachella and tiny shows; do you prefer one or the other? Tim: I just prefer people there singing along. If there’s a few people singing in a small venue, it’s way better than a huge venue where no one gives a shit. Coachella was amazing, though we played at 11:30a.m. TBS: Is 11:30a.m. the earliest show you’ve ever played? Tim: No, we’ve played really early morning shows. TBS: TV gigs like Good Morning Philadelphia? Tim: Yeah, exactly. When we played that, we were on at like, 7a.m. It was horrible. TBS: For anyone who hasn’t seen a live show of Good Old War before, how would you describe one to them? Tim: I feel like it’s a campfire with friends where you play songs together and sing along like friends. TBS: If your music was most analogous to a movie, what would it be? Tim: Badlands TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Tim: A bed of lettuce, mustard, turkey, pepper jack cheese on some toasted rye bread. TBS: What are you drinking? Tim: Budweiser and Jack Daniels.
UPCOMING RELEASES Bruce Springsteen - Wrecking Ball Todd Snider - Agnostic Hymns & Stoner Fables
Andrew Bird - Break it Yourself
Fireflight - Now
Magnetic Fields - Love at the Bottom of the Sea Kaiser Cheifs - Start the Revolution Without Me
Good Old War - Come Back as Rain White Rabbits - Milk Famous
test your knowledge
Yoga Position or Sex Position?
Are you a dog just looking for a quick bone no matter the cost, or are you a yoga guru who’ll bend over backwards for a glimpse of physical and mental enlightenment? Maybe you’re a bendy bang baron who wants the best of both worlds. Without having to pick someone up at the bar, being able to identify which of the titles below are sex positions and which are yoga positions is the best way to find out where you fall on the stretchy sex spectrum.By: Brendan
1. Basset Hound 2. Half Moon 3. Bound Angle 4. Brute 5. Foot Behind Head 6. Cow Face 7. Bent Spoon 8. Full Boat 9. Royal Pigeon 10. Final Furlong answer key: 1. Sex 2. Yoga 3. Yoga 4. Sex 5. Yoga 6. Yoga 7. Sex 8. Yoga 9. Yoga 10. Sex
11. Yoga 12. Sex 13. Sex 14. Yoga 15. Yoga 16. Yoga 17. Sex 18. Sex 19. Yoga 20. Sex
11. Corpse Pose 12. Golden Gate 13. Viennese Oyster 14. Upside-Down Tortoise 15. Corn Tree 16. Downward Facing Dog 17. Suspended Congress 18. Amazon Reverse 19. Four-Limbed Staff 20. See-Saw
results 0-6 Correct: Stiff and Sexless You’d bend over backward for some sweet sack time, but your joints don’t quite move that way. The one time you got laid last Halloween you pulled a hammy a minute into missionary, but it was still the highlight of your year.
7-13 Correct: Bendy but Boring You touch your toes during warmups, but even then you find it an improper display of your sexuality. You’d loosen up a little more— both physically and mentally—but you’re pretty sure there’s some passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t.
14-20 Correct: The Flexible Fornicator “Freaky” doesn’t begin to describe the ways you loosen up or go down. Your life motto would be, “A leg behind the head means a freak in the bed,” you know, if people actually said that.
class tim e
the crossword: beers the clues
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Down 1 A red can and an iron eagle may make you think this is a commie beer. It's Mexican, actually. 2 A weird animal hybrid's dome. (2 Words) 3 We're unsure of who was judging this competition. (3 Words) 5 Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, but they'll sell it. (2 Words) 8 Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 Words) 9 Texas has steers, queers and this brew. (2 Words) 10 The bottle doesn't remind one of this tall, Western mountain range. (2 Words)
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Down A red can and an iron eagle answers >> may make you think this is a commie beer. It's Mexican, actually. 2 A weird animal hybrid's dome. (2 Words) 3 We're unsure of who was judging this competition. (3 Buffa Louie's Campus Candy Which Which Words) House of Hunan Cardinal Fitness Yogi's pr/Marketing manager 5 Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, HuHot Mongolian Chipotle Irish Lion Alexandria Carmen Grill Crazy Horse Amol but they'll sell it. (2 Words) Lennies Dagwoods Avers Pizza 8pr/Marketing Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 Mardon Salon Farm Bloomington Bear's Place Team Moes Southwest Grill Kilroy's at DunKirk Copper Cup Words) Mark Dunn PC Max Kilroy's on Kirkwood DATS 9 Denise TexasGibbs has steers, Red queers and Mango Smooth- Laughing Planet Cafe Dragon Express Diane Gennity Nick's English Hut Falafels Middle this brew. (2 Words) ies Runcible Spoon Noodles Eastern Grill 10 The bottle doesn't remind one of 420 Panda Express Kilroy's Sports campus director Blacks Mercantile Scholar's Inn BakeMad Mushroom this tall, Western mountain Brendan Bonham Exchange house Mother Bears Pizza range. (2 Words) Brother's Starbuck's Penn Station 3
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DOWN: 1) A red can an iron eagle may make you think this is a commie beer. It’s Mexican, actually. 2) A weird animal hybrid’s dome. (2 words) 3) We’re unsure of who was judging this competition. (3 words) 5) Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, but they’ll sell it. (2 words) 8) Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 words) 9) Texas has steers, queers and this brew. (2 words) 10) The bottle doesn’t remind one of this tall, Western mountain range. (2 words)
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class tim e
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all. 15) If you worship a Mexican sun god, you’ll lose yours. 16) Come for the ivy, black out with this brew. (2 words) 17) A Canadian beer the color of a singular sad music genre. (2 words) 18) It doesn’t matter how special it is, take it off for the national anthem. (2 words)
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across: 4) The big brother of the blue bullet that comes in a case of 30. (2 words) 5) A bike wheel that’s like your girlfriend’s ass. (2 words) 7) How could such a delightful beer by named for such a crappy bird? (2 words) 11) A crown of shit is still a crown. Served with lime. 12) Champagne, in 12-ounce can form. (3 words) 13) The seed of Hans, from The Simpsons. 14) St. Louis isn’t worthless after
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Across 4 The big brother of the blue bullet that comes in a case of 30. (2 Words) 6 A bike wheel that's like your girlfriend's ass. (2 Words) 7 How could such a delightful beer be named for such a crappy bird? (2 Words) 11 A crown of shit is still a crown. Serve with lime. 12 Champagne, in 12-ouce can form. (3 Words) 13 The seed of Hans, from The Simpsons 14 St. Louis isn't worthless after all. 15 If you worship a Mexican sun god, you'll lose yours. 16 Come for the ivy, black out with this brew. (2 Words) 17 A Canadian beer the color of a singular sad music genre. (2 Words) 18 It doesn't matter how special it is, take it off for the national anthem. (2 Words)
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Rachel's Café 10th and College Starbucks Rubicon Subway Villas Sushi bar Brownstone T.I.S The Stratum Scotty's Grant Properties Siam House Campus Corner Square Donuts Station 11 The Bluebird Bradford Place The Vid (Video The Village at Muller Saloon) Park Tracks Record Store B-School Turkuaz Cafe Ballentine Upland Brewery Reed - Bistro Wings Xtreme Gresham Smallwood McNutt
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class tim e the madlib: last night of spring break Holy ___1___ I’m exhausted, but I’m not about to get lame out on my last night in ___2___. I’m really hoping to run into that ___3___ look-alike again, man he was good in the sack. Well, by sack I mean ___4___ but you understand. And now that I’m not burnt like a ___5___ and my ___6___ has cleared up a bit, I’m looking better than ever! Sure, the tattoo of ___7___’s face on my ___8___ probably isn’t going to be so funny once I get home but, hey, isn’t that was spring break is for? Making mistakes? Like (lol) flashing my ___9___ during the ___10___ show at the beach, getting kicked out and slipping in a pile of spilled ___11___-margaritas, then lapping it up like a dog? #embarrassing But Thursday afternoon was the most ridiculous. Meeting those cuties from ___12___ and bonging ___13___ was epic! Well until I saw his uncircumcised you-know-what. But it was fine, we smoked some ___14___ and got so blazed we were watching ___15___-dubbed ___16___ videos on YouTube, and mowing the shit out of some ___17___. Then banged. It was bliss, basically. But tonight… tonight we go hard. Listen to some ___18___, drink my ___19___ + Diet Coke and wear the outfit I’ve been waiting for all week – my ___20___-skin dress! Ahh!!!
1) body part 2) spring break hot spot 3) D-list celebrity 4) place in a bar 5) red food 6) STD 7) 90s pop diva 8) gross Body Part 9) body part 10) b-list rapper 11) nasty fruit
12) European country 13) imported beer 14) silly weed name 15) weird electronic artist 16) Animal 17) drunk food 18) bad mainstream rapper 19) flavored vodka 20) Animal
class tim e
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