F th ree. ere ..lik !O et h w ha ait t do ... i llar t's bi a p ll rig oo ht dol lar .
The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 3 3/29/12 -4/12/12
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Excess Excise
ryan kennedy wrote this
On February 6th the Indiana State Excise Police initiated its Intensified Collegiate Enforcement program, or ICE. The program calls for a dramatic increase in the number of plainclothes officers at liquor stores and bars vigilantly working to completely screw over underage partiers. In addition to more Excise Police, there has been an increased number of IUPD patrols roaming the streets of Bloomington looking to bust house parties. Many bad things have been written, and even worse things have been said, about Excise Officers. Needless to say, they are always looking for a boost in the public relations department. So when I asked for the opportunity to ride along with one of their officers for the night they were more than happy to accommodate me. If they could convince me, a respected member of the press, of the merits of this new program, maybe I could carry that message to the people. I met Officer Richard Dick in the parking lot of the Big Red Liquors on 10th and College Ave. at 7:30 p.m. He swung open the passenger door of his unmarked car and greeted me with a smile so menacing it made me uneasy. As I climbed into the car, the stench of cigarette smoke burned my nostrils. “Ready to bust some minors?” he asked. “I’m just here to observe,” I replied. “So what do we do? Just sit here?” He nodded in affirmation, and so began my night with the Excise Police. As we sat in the parking lot, Officer Dick took the opportunity to educate me on the history of Excise Police. He explained that the Indiana State Excise Police was formed during prohibition to stop the illegal sale of alcohol. I thought about explaining to him that the 13 years of prohibition led to the highest instance of organized crime the United States has ever seen, but I got the feeling he wouldn’t appreciate it. Finally, after two hours of Officer Dick’s incessant droning, we got our first taste of action. I was half asleep against the window when a knocking sound brought me to my senses. I turned to see two kids, high schoolaged, standing outside the driver’s side window. Officer Dick
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It's Halftime at IU
rolled down his window, and they offered him money to buy them some beer. I wanted to warn them, but I convinced myself that these kids definitely deserved what was about to happen to them. To my surprise, Officer Dick took their money and entered the store. Minutes later he emerged with a 30-pack of Natty Lights. He set the beer on the hood of the car and whipped out his badge. Both kids immediately took off running. Rather than chase them, Officer Dick put the beer in the back seat, sat down behind the wheel, and cracked open a can. “Sure, they didn’t get tickets, but I got 10 bucks and a case of beer.” This was going to be interesting. I’ve seen some crazy things in my time in Bloomington, but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone pound beers as quickly or as aggressively as Officer Dick did that night. In no time at all he was 20 deep. What began as polite small talk at the beginning of the night quickly deteriorated into a full-on rant. “They never liked me!" he screamed between sobs. "They never invited me to any of their parties, not one! That’s why I do this! If I can’t have fun nobody can!” This wasn’t good. A good journalist always gets his story, but there was no way I was about to risk my life driving around with a blacked-out cop with an inferiority complex. Before I could get the door open Officer Dick put the car in gear and raced off, lights blazing, down the street after a white mini-van that had just left Big Red’s parking lot. The van pulled over to the side of the road. I gripped my seat as tight as I could as Officer Dick
swerved the car onto the sidewalk and pulled up directly next to the van. As he stumbled out of the car, I glanced into the van and saw a middle-aged woman behind the wheel with a completely sealed bottle of wine in the seat beside her. In the back seat sat an infant child in a car seat. “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?” Officer Dick slurred. “I honestly don’t officer. Was I speeding?” she replied. “You’re under arrest for the illegal supply of booze to a minor!” he shrieked and launched himself through the window at her. The woman managed to push him away and sped off. Officer Dick kicked wildly at the car, lost his balance, and fell to the ground, knocking himself unconscious. Dumbfounded, I left Officer Dick where he lay and walked home. It was then that I decided it was better to come up with completely fabricated sensationalist stories rather than continue to endanger myself in the pursuit of a Pulitzer Prize. What did I learn about the ICE program during my ride-along? They accumulate a significant amount of money under the guise of upholding the most ridiculous drinking laws in the world for the sake of public safety. The ICE program expires in May, and it can’t come soon enough.
a look at what's around the corner here at iu
whoa, saturday's have morning's now?
The second Kentucky game was much easier on you posers.
see page 6
see page 7
see page 11
What You're Missing on Saturday Mornings
#IUBB! To the Fans Who Weren't
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Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 4 >>>
It's Time to Talk About The Real World
When the world stops being polite and starts creeping on your Facebook account.
contents 4
The Top Ten
campus must-do's.... so get going, you've only got a few more weeks left!
page 7 >>>
Bartender of the Issue
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Andy from House Bar sure loves him some spooky Opera.
page 12 >>> PAGE 11 >>>
It's Sweeps Season!
we let you know which shows we'd marry, bang, and kill, in case you were curious.
The Black Sheep Interviews: Bad Veins
Ben from Bad Veins gives you an inside look into their new album, The Mess We Made.
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THe top ten
Campus Must-Do's 10) Skinny-dip in Showalter Fountain: All these years, that statue has been kind enough to show off her goods to the entire student body day after day. It’s about time you return the favor. Just don't get arrested. And if you do, don't mention us. 9) Make friends with a townie: Not one that goes to school here, a real one! And harassing the Occupy Bloomington people definitely did not count. 8) Run through a crowded lecture hall in a ridiculous costume: We all remember our freshman days when someone dressed up in a giant chicken costume and ran through our Finite class. It is about time we returned the favor.
It’s Time to Talk about the Real World Elizabeth Klisser wrote this It is time to get real, Hoosiers. Although it may feel like your parents are forking over tuition so that you can sharpen your beer pong skills and practice getting to second base even before learning someone’s name, this is not the case. These are just the added benefits of getting a good ole’ Indiana University education. What you do with that education is up to you, but ideally you'd use it to get an internship and the kind of job where you get a fancy business card and a man with a philosophy degree to open the door for you. This all might sound pretty overwhelming, but taking these few steps will help you get on the right path from penniless-student eating ramen to entry-level-salary-earning-young-adult eating ramen in no time. #CleanUpYourAct: Twenty-first century kids have been lectured about it their whole lives. Even back in the ancient days of MySpace, elders threatened that all our suggestive profile pictures and racy bulletin posts would eventually come back to haunt us. If your Facebook isn’t already set to private, then you’re an idiot who has dozens of creepy men from foreign countries stalking your shit. However, making sure all of your pictures (even the tagged one of you doing a beer bong in your underwear) are set to private, and the information that is visible is G-rated. If all else fails, you can always play the “That’s Photoshopped!” card that was perfected by that girl from you high school that sent nudies to the whole wrestling team.
some skills that are. The best way to do this is join one of those we-have-meetings-once-a-month clubs. They aren’t too hard to find, and with a school as big as IU, you are bound to find one that applies to what you’re studying. Better yet, make one! Go to the myINvolvement website to get started. Nothing like being the founding member of the Zombie Club to boost a resume. Keep an eye out for club announcements chalked on the side walk, and just go to anything that seems interesting. Okay, interesting is the wrong word here. Go to anything that seems like members of the opposite sex will be there. Worse case-scenario, you’ll get free Pizza X at the callout meeting, and have something to fill space on your resume and in your lonely twin size bed. Also, make sure you don’t mention too many, if any, extracurriculars from high school on your resume. You don’t want to come off as that pathetic potential employee that peaked in high school and now spends all his time making bad covers to Red Hot Chili Peppers songs and on YouTube, even if that’s who you are.
"nothing like being the founding member of the zombie club to boost a resume."
Keeping things cool on Facebook is easy, but your new employer-friendly Twitter may have some negative side effects. You don’t want to look like the loser who only tweets about what you’re eating for dinner and how great that The Muppets movie was. Constant politically correct tweets are bound to decrease your followers, so if you have a common name, consider not using a real picture. You will be super sneaky, and still be able to tweet whatever your rebel heart desires. Give that resume ‘roid rage: Since “Great at Words With Friends” and “Expert at picking up girls with daddy issues” aren’t good resume builders, you are going to have to obtain
Schmooze till you can’t lose: Once you’ve got a clean social networking site and a spotless, beefed up resume, you need to get your ass to the Career Development Center. One of their best resources is the career fairs that the center hosts. “Fair” is a very misleading word the center uses to make you expect this is a fun experience equivalent to eating cotton candy and riding on a Ferris wheel. It’s actually a terrifying experience, worse than scary circus clowns, because making a good impression here could potentially determine your future. If you think you’re ready you need to borrow your roommate’s suit, grab your seamless resume, and start mastering the art of schmoozing. Suck up to everyone. Compliment their eyes and their shoes. Give them a quick handie in the bathroom. Whatever it takes to get the job, my friend. Whatever it takes. The real world can be almost as intimidating as its MTV equivalent. But no matter what, always remember that you already hold the biggest secret to landing a job: an IU education. It shows potential employers right away that you were smart enough to choose a Big Ten school, and not dumb enough to choose Purdue.
7) Play Sink the Biz at Nick’s: This is one of IU’s claims to fame, so until you have played you can’t dare call yourself a true alum. There’s nothing better than a bucket full of stale beer, so get at it! It’s been a tradition for over 80 years- you wouldn’t want to disappoint the great Hoosiers of the past. 6) Kiss your crush in the Rose Well Garden House at midnight: The first two dorms on campus were separated by gender, with the Rose Well House located between them. Legend has it you were not considered a true college co-ed until you kissed someone in the gazebo at midnight. So grab your favorite guy or gal, or some rando walking on Kirkwood, and live out history. 5) Share a round of drinks with one of your professors: This may sound daunting to some of you who have only had the boring stand-in-front-of-the-class-andlecture-in-monotone teachers, but there is definitely a fair share of characters that teach on this fine campus. Whether they taught you Finite Math freshman year or are teaching the last class you need to fulfill your major, throw out the idea. You could even get lucky and light up with a Mr. Jennings from Animal House. 4) Yell something obscene in front of a group of future freshman and parents on their IU Orientation: The kids will think you’re the man, the moms will be horrified, and the dads that think they’re still cool will tell their kids how they did the exact same thing...40 years ago. 3) Get a lap dance at Night Moves: Bloomington’s favorite (and only) strip club, Night Moves, offers the finest “exotic dancers” southern Indiana has to offer. Open until 3:00 a.m. seven nights week, there’s no excuse not to go enjoy the local talent. We recommend you wash your hands and burn your clothes after. 2) Spend the night in the drunk tank: Anyone can get a drinking ticket at tailgate, but only the true partiers get so drunk they must be temporarily removed from society. The demographic ranges from fellow Hoosiers to locals caught stealing transmissions; either way, your temporary “cellmates” are sure to have a good tale or two. 1) Open-to-Close at Kilroy’s: What better way to spend an entire 16 hours of your life than guzzling your favorite Long Island Iced Teas and playing N64 at Kilroy’s? Many have attempted the feat, but only those willing to endure the struggle are immortalized on Kilroy’s wall. Just make sure you don’t plan your attempt on a weekend or your tab will be $250.
indiana staff wrote this
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IT’s HALFTIME AT IU Mack Sterr wrote this
www.theblacksheeponline.com It’s halftime at IU. Students are just back from spring break with their worst hangover since the morning after the (first) Kentucky game. The liver damage from a week of sundrenched booze throttling has them wondering if they will ever again go vertical on a bottle of Cuervo or shotgun a Hamm’s in broad daylight. If not still in a Tijuana drug camp, these brave students are all wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback. Let’s be honest, first semester took a lot of spunk out of us. The atrocious display of organized sports by Indiana University’s goon-squad of a football team challenged our resolve. The people of Indianapolis know a little something about this. Waging day-long battles with Karkov on the tailgate fields for a team that couldn’t keep from losing a committed QB wears down the student body. When the fog of division, discord, and being staggeringly blacked-out made it hard to see what lay ahead, we were preyed upon by those bastard Excise cops. We had some high points, too. Everyone at Avicii still has motion sickness from the extraterrestrial light show. But, we got boned when Deadmau5 was postponed by weather. We packed ourselves in the cave they call the Bluebird Night Club, raged our faces off, and got a little sweatier than we care to say. Didn’t phase us. Again, we proved we were resilient in our drive to abuse drugs, pound shots, and bob to extremely loud and trendy EDM. After those trials, we rallied around what was right, #iubb. With that, we brought back the heart of school spirit... and the tradition of those bad ass candy striped warm-ups. As a result, we found something better than a losing football team to booze for. Because that’s what we do. We find a way through tough times, and, if we can’t find a way, we will drink a way through hardships.
All that matters now is what’s ahead. I’ve seen a lot of tough eras, a lot of downturns in my time at IU, but we all pulled together. Now B-town is fighting again. In the next four weeks we have in store the best spring term of any college in the nation. Little 500 is just around the corner, meaning thousands of students will devote a little over a week to the never-ending chaser/shot/chaser routine. Not to mention the debauchery that takes place at the annual events that lead up to it: Quals, Miss-N-Out, ITT’s, Team Pursuit. Every year, by the time race day comes around, it’s a little miracle that our respective teams even have the fervent cheering sections that rattle the campus. We consistently persevere, and take part in the biggest spectacle of rich tradition we have at IU. With Lil’ 5 comes the concerts. This year’s lineup is more eclectic than ever. Stoners will be kept happy by the swell sounds (and smells) of Sublime and Rome, and Afrojack will incite riots in the parking lot of Memorial Stadium. Unfortunately, John Mayer had a Doritos chip that went down the wrong pipe, so he was forced to cancel his tour due to subsequent throat issues. Our future is not going to be easy, but the bittersweet longing feeling after it’s all over will justify the eight classes you miss during the week of Little 500. Maybe you get busted with two grams of hash and a ciggaweed at Sublime. Your parents will understand! What if you accidentally dislocate your shoulder face planting off the bleachers at Armstrong Stadium? Your insurance will cover it. We need to pick each other up by the jean shorts and get our heads back in the game. This school can’t be knocked out with one punch. We get right back up again, and when we do, the world is going to hear the roar of the Hoosiers. Yeah, it’s halftime Bloomington, and our second half is about to begin.
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What You’re Missing on Saturday Mornings Kyle Hasset wrote this It’s no secret that Indiana University offers an ample amount of activities, and there’s always somebody doing something on campus, no matter what time of day. But last week, while pulling an all-nighter at Wells, I happened to step outside for a breather at around 7 a.m., only to realize that the entire human population had been wiped out while I was inside studying, leaving me to be the last surviving human. Just as I was about to yell about how crappy the situation was in a profane manner, I saw a guy delivering newspapers, some kids practicing for the Little 500 race, and a mournful-looking shacker on the sidewalk. Turned out that the human race had not been exterminated after all; it was just really, really early on a Saturday morning. This got me thinking: What kinds of things go down on our campus on Saturday mornings when we are all too hungover to witness? Obviously I’m not going to actually wake up early on a Saturday to find out, so I have compiled a list of mildly compelling theories as to what actually takes place around campus when the extreme majority of our student body is face-down on their couches as the playlist from last night is still bumping in the background. Kelley Professors Perform Cultish Rituals: There is a reason why IU’s Kelley School of Business is so well-respected, but I believe that hard work and generous donations from boosters have nothing to do with it, and that extreme cultlike rituals have everything to do with it. Who is to say that
they don’t get together and sacrifice a goat every Saturday morning when no one’s around in order to ensure thousands of years of prosperity and abundance for the Kelley School? You never know, I’ve had some weird teachers. Kids from Collins Play Quidditch: I've heard that this takes place on our campus from time to time, yet I have never actually witnessed it. Saturday mornings would be the perfect time for them to nerd-out without having to worry about getting made fun of. But after seeing two kids sword fighting with sticks right in front of Collins last week, I’d say that they might not be as worried about being ridiculed as some people would think. IU’s Nudist Club Holds Their Weekly Meeting: I’m not sure if this club actually exists, but if it does, Saturday morning would probably be as good a time as any to meet. Sundays would probably work too. I’m guessing they’re pretty open about scheduling, since, you know, they’re nudists. Bob Knight Returns to Leave Flaming Pile of Dog Poop in Front of Assembly Hall: Bob Knight hasn’t come back to Bloomington since he was fired, but my guess is that he’s got a pretty sweet prank cooking for when he finally does. And what better way to say “F you!” to the school that completely boned you than leaving a flaming pile of stink in front of your old home court? The IU Football Coaches Recruit: It seems that our football team’s coaching staff has had some trouble in recent
years in finding anyone halfway decent to play for them, so maybe they’ve just been going out at the wrong times. Does it make any sense that our coaching staff would be looking for recruits on their own campus? No. Did I just put this in here to take a shot at the football team? Yes. Get your act together, IU Football. Unfortunately, these are just theories. And that’s probably all that they’ll ever be, because there’s no freaking way I, or anyone else on this campus for that matter, will ever wake up early on a Saturday morning to witness whatever the hell goes on.
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4 5 6 Happy Hour $1.50 Well Cocktails $6 Nip and Pound $3 Bloomington Brews $3.50 Long Islands
$2 Tuesday! $2 Long Islands, Bottled Beer, and You Call Its
BMOC 80's night $3 32oz Miller Lite/Coors Lt $4 32oz Beers, Apples, Long Islands, Triple Pinnacles $100 Bottles
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Issue Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Bourbon Whiskey Favorite Shot: Duck Fart Worst Drink Ever: Prairie Fire Which celebrity would you punch in the face?: Dane Cook or Criss Angel Which Disney character would you hook up with?: Jasmine
s i n o r A y nd
A canopy clubhouse bar drinking game:
What is the funniest thing you’ve seen while working?: A man with a
Pursuit
There’s no escape. There’s an enemy to your right and another to your left. Across from you is your opponent. Didn’t these people used to be your friends? What You Need: A trivia game (ex: Trivial Pursuit), beer, hard liquor. Number of Players: At least four. Intoxication Level: The film crew from Cops will be hot on your tail. How to Play: -The game begins with one player designated the runner and another player the chaser. These players should be positioned on opposite sides of the table. -The object of the game is for the chaser to catch the runner by answering a series of trivia questions correctly. The runner can prevent this by answering the same questions before the chaser. -The player sitting to the left of the chaser asks the questions. -A round begins with one participant asking one question out loud to both the runner and the chaser. Each player is allowed one guess. Whoever answers correctly first is the winner of the round. -If the runner guesses correctly, the chaser must drink for ten seconds, and the chaser is forced into another round of trivia with the runner. -If the chaser guesses correctly, the runner must drink for five seconds. The player to the chaser’s left becomes the new chaser. A new round of trivia begins. -If no player answers correctly, no player drinks and a new round with the same runner and chaser begins. -When the player directly to the runner’s right becomes the chaser and answers a trivia question correctly, the runner must take a shot. At this point the current chaser becomes the runner, the runner becomes the chaser and a new round begins. The Game Ends When: You run out of chasers.
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fur hat and Phantom of the Opera mask playing a flute. What is your life motto?: “The person with the best stories at the end wins.” Who is your dream date?: Natalie Portman What would your stripper name be?: Mothva Tito What did you think when you woke up this morning?: “How’d I get home last night?”
recipe for disaster:
Pop Tartilla
If you love authentic Mexican food (read: Taco Bell) then you’re going to love the Pop Tartilla. Hey, if you’re only eating food loaded with preservatives, then you’ll probably live forever. Makes sense, right? What You’ll Need: Tortilla, fruit-flavored Pop Tart, peanut butter, jelly. Cook Time: Five minutes? I’m starving now! Fatty Factor: Somewhere between eating a whole pizza and going to bed hungry. Let’s Get Baked: -Put a saucepan on your stovetop and set a burner to medium. -Place a Pop Tart in your toaster. Heat to desired level. -When the Pop Tart is in the toaster, place a large tortilla in the saucepan, warm it until soft. -When the tortilla is warm and the Pop Tart is finished, remove both. Place the Pop Tart in the middle of the tortilla. -Slather the Pop Tart with jelly and peanut butter. -Wrap up the tortilla until the Pop Tart is no longer visible. When your roommate comes home and asks you what the hell you’re eating, don’t get all worked up. Just look them in the eye and politely ask them to stop insulting your heritage. God, when did everyone get so racist around here?
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#IUBB! To The Fans Who Weren’t… jillian mandell wrote this After a valiant but unsuccessful effort against Kentucky, we can reflect on the sweat, the tears, and the wins IU has been fortunate enough to celebrate. We can also reflect on the bandwagon fans that realized just this year that IU does have a basketball team, deciding to be a Hoosier fan. There are many different types of true bandwagon fandom, and all of them operate differently. Appreciating the greatness of this year’s season is nothing to be ashamed of, but it's something which must be noted. The first type of bandwagon fan falls under the general classification of “Sheehey Sluts.” Many girls on campus didn’t realize IU even had a basketball team until it started interfering with their drinking schedule. Certain females only watch the games to stare at Sheehey’s sweaty bod while others attend simply for the social scene. Whether watching the game live or around the TV, it provides a great excuse to wear that tiny IU crop top and red bow. Twitter absolutely blows up at the buzzer, and you can expect your feed to overflow with cutesy “#IUBB!” tweets from girls who don’t have much more input than that. These girls are about as loyal to the team as Ben was to Courtney (The Bachelor, get with it, people). IU basketball is also a great excuse for a hoe to text a bro and scope out where he will be celebrating the win, or mourning the depressing loss afterwards. That leads to the bandwagon party fan. Certain guys just could not care less about basketball. Whether sports just aren’t their thing (they were the artsy stoner type in high school), or basketball just isn’t their sport of choice, they don’t care, though they are always down to drink. These fans
will go to the games and sit on the edge of their seats hoping for a win. That win is what will lead them to the booze, and, to them, any reason to party is a good one. Whether Oladipo actually makes that free throw doesn’t matter to them, but if they have a reason to get blacked out afterwards, you bet it does. They pretend to be loyal fans, but in reality, it wouldn’t make a difference whether it was basketball or figure skating, they just want to chug some beer. Next is the apparel whore. Jerseys, sweatshirts, hats, wristbands, you name it and this person owns the cream and crimson garb. Many Hoosiers like to “support” this Big Ten sweet spot and basketball season is a great avenue for that. To be blunt, in high school most of them sat at home on Friday night, and now they’re just excited to have the opportunity to be a part of something greater than themselves. Before the games they spend an hour in front of the mirror trying on different combinations of gear, wondering what will make them look like the biggest and baddest fan.
basically tell them to suck it.
Other people follow the games just for the sake of rubbing it in to the faces of those who are not lucky enough to attend IU. Being in the Big Ten we have the chance to face a lot of other great teams, and some not-so-great teams that are just fun to beat. Beating Purdue brought happiness to thousands of Hoosier fans. Even if you don’t watch the game it is everso-satisfying to text your friend at the defeated school and
To the fans that have been in the stands since the days of Bob Knight, these bandwagon fans may bring an appalling and sour taste of disgust to your mouth. Sure, there are some people out there who have invested their lives to IUBB, cried over losses, and stood strong over the course of our last downfall… but then there are the impostors. Young or old, wrinkly or slutty, IU welcomes all fans. Here’s to a great season in the books, we’ll see you again next year, bandwagoners.
@blacksheep_IU Search "Black Sheep Indiana"
Sweeps Season: With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.
Happy Endings (ABC)
Marry, Bang, Kill Edition
Marry!
In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.
Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic.
Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.
To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”
That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t The show is full of plausible scenarios execut- have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hell-bend on remaining that way? Zuh? ed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just A comedy based in reality, teased out to be wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby hilarious? Well, we’ll be damned. could just get on with his miserable life?
Person of Interest (CBS) Ba ng! In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires
Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.
Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:
Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-theteeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the universe of alien pedophiles.
It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interest sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain worthy of some praise.?
2 Broke Girls (CBS) In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!
Kill!
There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horn-dogs! There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL!
henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone! Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!
Up All Night (NBC) In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?
Bang!
But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.
Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids.
Seriously, look at the premise of two epi-
This was supposed to be a comedy, right?
sodes, and the moral each story: Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit.
Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!
Kill!
Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than a extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.
Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence. That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.
New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his
Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.
Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.
Or,
Marry!
In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!
Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing.
Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer to take care of his dirty work.
New Girl (FOX)
There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “we think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “she spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”
One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weakwilled writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food
allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”
the music page
the black sheep interviews:
Bad Veins
Bad Veins, a rock duo hailing from lovely Cincinnati, Ohio, are an up-and coming band known for melding a unique sound with pop sensibility. Frontman Benjamin Davis chatted with us about just that prior to the release of their album, The Mess We Made, debuting on April 24th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, The Mess We’ve Made, drops on April 24th. How did, or how does, the creative process work in a band that only has two members? Benjamin Davis: Well, that’s a loaded question. I think that a four-piece band would be a lot different from how we do it. Undeniably, I am a control freak, and I have my hand in everything. That’s even true with [drummer] Sebastien’s work. With just us two, we talk openly about ideas all the time, and I have to try to create room for him to be creative. TBS: Bad Veins was intended to be a solo project for you, but you later found Sebastien and wanted him to be a part of the work, correct? Ben: Yeah. For me, he had the work ethic I was looking for in a bandmate. A lot of people don’t believe that one could be a musician for a living, and they don’t understand the baby steps a group needs to take to get there. There’s that old saying, “The difference between a goal and a dream is a plan.” I feel like most people don’t have that plan, and a lot of other bands think, “Well, we’ll never be big, so why practice?” Sebastien saw that there are achievable goals and wants to put in the work to make it happen. That’s a rare trait in a person.
cd review
ofwgkta the of tape, vol 2 Odd Future delivers yet again, one swear word at a time.
After putting themselves on the map last year and slapping us all in the face with their hardcore beats, OFWGKTA (more simply referred to as Odd Future) has come back to grace our presence with their fourth album, The OF Tape, Vol. 2. Last summer’s emergence of The Odd Future Tape was actually made in 2008, but came to the public's attention (more or less) when they were put on the Pitchfork Music Festival line-up. So, naturally, everyone started freaking out about them. They swear a lot, and "misogynistic" doesn’t even seem like a harsh enough term to describe these dudes who casually rap about graphic rape. But, we’ve had a year to digest their intensity, and I’d like to think we’re all over the initial shock value (primarily brought forth by the infamous, yet bratty frontman, Tyler, the Creator). No, this time around we can really listen to their music, be entertained by their seriously wacky antics and focus less on their shtick. The first single is “Rella,” which came out with an equally entertaining music video. The beat is fast and subtle, with the rap flow as crisp as the lyrics are witty (“Then my dick went limp so, took about
3 pills of Extenzo / Now my dick’s longer than a 5 door limo.”) It’s also nice to see that Frank Ocean is still with the group (after being featured on a few tracks for Kanye and Jay-Z’s mega-collaboration Watch the Throne, I could see Tyler’s bitchass getting pissy about it, but it’s cool to see they’re still “homies” or something). His truly great singing voice is also refreshing to the normally scrappy rapping, especially in “Analog 2.” Just about every song on The OF Tape, Vol. 2. has something about it that makes it different from the one before it, and that’s ultimately what makes this album so great. For some bizarre reason, however, there are two songs, “50” and “We Got Bitches,” that sound as though they were produced differently, or recorded differently, or something. They sound so out of place, so much less… polished—it sounds so thrown together that it’s kind of funny. “We Got Bitches,” especially, is like a throwback to a terrible wannabe rapper who brags way too much about what they’ve got when they really just got an album advance and will be in serious debt in about a year: “We got bitches, we got bitches, we got bitches.
out now
TBS: You talk about having your hand in a lot of the music behind this band, but how has Sebastien’s presence shaped the group? Ben: What Seb brings to the band is incredible, because I would not or could not do what we do without him. I often compare him to the Muppet Animal. They’re both drummers, they’re both crazy and if you add an Animal to your band, you’d have to keep them under control, making sure that they’re fitting into the world you’re working in. TBS: How do you view your new album in light of your other work? Ben: I don’t think that our dynamic has changed between the first two records—we approach making music the same way. On this album, though, I had a lot more attention to detail, and there’s a lot more to listen to—to wrap your brain around—and that’s largely because I spent more time composing and arranging on this album.
GRADE A-
We got diamonds, we got diamonds, we got diamonds. We got cars, we got cars, we got cars. We got Jacuzzis, and your bitch be on my dick.” Cool…and original! Bitches, diamonds, cars, Jacuzzis. So, party it’s like it’s 1999? At the end of the day, though, for a group of ambitious and confident rappers who barely qualify as 20-somethings, these dudes have a sweet future in front of them. Last summer it would have been easy to write them off as a one-time deal that were just wilin’ out and got lucky with a few songs, had some laughs, and got into some trouble. The truth is, these guys have talent. And that talent is blatantly apparent on this album. OFWGKTA knows how to draw in fans (by putting Tyler’s face and beautiful long locks as the head of a centaur who also happens to be a fan of coke) and also how to keep them (by continuing to make awesome rap music). Sounds Like: A passive-aggressive man who somehow still has swagger. Download: Rella, Lean, Oldie Listen to it When: You’re fittin’ to get hype.
TBS: How do you strike the balance between doing right by your fans and maintaining a fresh sound? Ben: Seb and I both really love pop music. We like rock—when we’re on tour we’ll have some Zeppelin or some Sabbath—but we’ll also get into Katy Perry or Fleetwood Mac. Anything that has accessibility and pop sensibility we like. I feel like I have to make that music, and coincidentally other people seem to like it. So, the harder I work at my craft, the closer I actually get to pop music. TBS: You won the Target Music Maker Award, as well as a few other accolades. How do you qualify that in your terms of success? Ben: I definitely don’t revel in awards. If anything I’m cursed with the “now what?” syndrome, where I can never enjoy anything because I want to figure out what’s next. Sometimes that’s good—it keeps you going and makes you want to get better, but at the same time you never enjoy it. TBS: When you tour do you find you have a hard time translating your sound? Ben: We use the old binary reel-to-reel tape deck and we place it center stage for a live show. So, while we’re not trying to recreate the album live, the elements of it are there. We don’t try to trick anyone into thinking we’re reproducing the sound ourselves, though. TBS: And what are one of these live shows like? Ben: You should expect to hear things you don’t normally hear, because of the backing tracks we choose to use. Harps, woodwinds, brass, lush arrangements to flesh out the music. Now you don’t see that stuff a lot.
UPCOMING RELEASES Lionel Richie - Tuskegee Madonna - MDNA
Overkill - The Electric Age Flying Colors - Flying Colors
Iron Maiden - En Vivo! Justin Townes Earle - Nothing's Going to Change...
Britt Nocle -Gold Clay Aiken - Steadfast
the seek & find Let us know everything is where prize! It’s pre and win a tt like someone y easy, just else we know .
Email us at games@thebla cksheeponline. com
class tim e
the crossword: the united states the clues
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Down 1 The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture Buffa Louie's Campus Candy Which Which Rachel's Café 10th and College Union theater opened here in 1902. House of Hunan Cardinal Fitness Yogi's Starbucks Rubicon Eigeman pr/Marketing manager HuHotAir Mongolian Chipotle Irish Lion Subway Villas Briscoe 4 Megan The United States ForceCrazy Lamar Grill Horse Amol Sushi bar Brownstone SRSC Academy is located here. Lennies Dagwoods Avers Pizza T.I.S The Stratum HYPER Mardon Salon Farm Bloomington Bear's Place Scotty's Grant Properties Woodburn Team 7pr/Marketing Microsoft Moes Southwest Grill Kilroy's at DunKirk Copper Cup Siam House Campus Corner Wilkie Mark Dunn is headquartered PC Max Kilroy's on Kirkwood DATS Square Donuts Station 11 Health Center here. Jay Charlotte Red Mango Smooth- Laughing Planet Cafe Dragon Express The Bluebird Bradford Place STREET TEAMS ies Nick's English Hut Falafels Middle The Vid (Video The Village at Muller BINS 9 campus In 1861 the Confederate Flag Runcible Spoon Noodles Eastern Grill Saloon) Park EVERY GREEK director 420 state. Panda Express Kilroy's Sports Tracks Record Store B-School HOUSE was Bonham first flown inBlacks this Brendan Mercantile Scholar's Inn BakeMad Mushroom Turkuaz Cafe Ballentine AND MORE! 10 The Badger State.Exchange house Mother Bears Pizza Upland Brewery Reed - Bistro Brother's Starbuck's Penn Station Wings Xtreme Gresham owner 11 This state was the first to Butch's Village Deli Potbelly Smallwood McNutt Atish Doshi ratify the 13th Amendment, Founders abolishing slavery. Peter Rentschler, Atish Doshi, 12 Colonial blue and buff are this Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, state's official state colors. drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend Jessica Sommers 14 This state hosts the nation's attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Questions? most active volcano.
Meet The Staff!
Ryan Kennedy Kate Waxler ational Cowboy Hall Mack Sterr me is locatedKyle here. Hassett tate has the highest Kendall McDougal
capital above sea photographer (2 Words) Izzy Kellman rgest Grizzly Bear ation in the lower 48 nd in this state.
DOWN: 1) The state’s name is Spanish for “snow-clad.” 3) The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4) The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7) Microsoft is headquartered here. 9) In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10) The Badger State. 11) This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12) Colonial blue and buff are this state’s official colors. 14) This state hosts the nation’s most active volcano.
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15) The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. 16) This state had the highest state capital above sea level. (2 words) 17) The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state.
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C O L O R T A 9 D A O L 12 D A S E E B L A K L A H O M A W A A R E
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across: 2) The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 words) 5) This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. 6) The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. 8) Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic. 13) The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of this state.
C 5 M A L 6 M A I F 8 S O R N 11 I I L A 14 L H I A 16 N E WM O A I I S I
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Down 1 The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4 The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7 Microsoft is headquartered here. 9 In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10 The Badger State. 11 This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12 Colonial blue and buff are this state's official state colors. 14 This state hosts the nation's most active volcano.
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Across 2 The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 Words) 5 This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. 6 The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. 8 Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. (2 Words) 13 The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of this state. 15 The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. 16 This state has the highest state capital above sea level. (2 Words) 17 The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state.
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