Iowa State - 3/22/12 - v02i04 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 4 3/22/12 - 4/12/12

Big 12 Ends 2012:

The Black Sheep Makes Sure You Get the Facts Merritt Rethlake wrote this

3,000 years ago the Mayans made predictions about 2012. They said the year would welcome a ridiculously warm Midwestern winter, they called the reunification of Chris Brown and Rihanna, and yet another morbid season of Two and a Half Men. And with the announcement of Snooki’s pregnancy, Earth itself has no choice but to press the big red self-destruct button by the end of December. Our demise is contingent on one other fact, however. Archaeologists and researchers recently found inscriptions and images in ancient Mayan ruins. After months of working on translations, the researchers found a series of phrases including, “Cyclone basketball,” “Nationally ranked,” “Bears, Jayhawks, Wildcats, upset” and oddly enough, “Hilton Magic.” The evidence could not be clearer. Only an Iowa State Men’s Basketball national championship could save our world from ending in 2012. “Our jaws dropped when we finally decoded the symbols. I still refuse to believe it,” said Don Herk, head researcher and University of Iowa alumnus. Sadly, this didn’t garner national headlines, and the hopes and dreams of many crumbled as the tournament progressed. “This truly is the end,” said avid college basketball fans, wary of Hilton Magic. “Iowa State screwed my bracket right at the beginning.” After what looked like a simple win for our boys, the Huskies retreated back to Connecticut. UCONN fans said they were proud of their team. “There will be no trouble in making the basketball boys feel like they’re loved,” proclaimed Jerry Sandusky. While the rest of the world groaned, Cyclone fans knew they were on their way to saving the world. Cyclones were going crazy over the UCONN game. Twitter was on the edge of blowing up due to @Highway_30 mentions. Facebook’s “like” capacity was on overload as every Iowa State reference was given the thumbs up by thousands of people in a matter of mere seconds. TiVo systems were on the verge of collapse during the Kentucky/ Iowa State game as fans everywhere were rewinding and pausing to double check that, yes, in fact, that is the definition of a unibrow.

Other stuff

Inside

There was also speculation amongst NCAA-goers that the sole reason Iowa State’s season ended is because the cameras could no longer handle the perfect physique belonging to Head Coach Fred Hoiberg. The Mayans wouldn’t have disagreed. Years ago a team of experts discovered remains of a huge portrait of a face was drawn across a clay wall. The face was perfectly designed. It was without error or age line. The beautiful smile was illustrated without a mistake. The Mayans used a golden hue of paint for the hair. There was zero inaccuracy in the strokes that outlined those short, fine hairlines. The Mayans predicted that this perfectly-constructed face would bring about a big red bird’s phoenix-like rise from the ashes. “The resemblance to

How to make sure the belle of the ball ends up with the cock of the walk.

see page 4

It’s Fraternity Formal Season, Ladies

Fred Hoiberg is uncanny,” experts stated. During the NCAA tournament, the Cyclones learned the hard way that Anthony Davis’ hairy accomplice is, quite literally, a worldender. There was talk that his furry friend might even spend a short while on the scientific list of natural elements. It was enough to throw off the Cyclone’s defensive and offensive game, which, as only the smartest basketball fans know, loses games. And as the world comes to an end in a few months, college basketball fans everywhere will be able to say they had a hand in it.

how to respond to Your Ex in Text Message Format

I hope they serve beer in this class. see page 7

Invent-O-Class: The Works of Tucker Max

see page 13

The Art of Exting

Table of > > >

PAGE 4>>>

The Top Ten

PAGE 7 >>

How To: Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

page 10 >>

Bartender of the Issue

page 12 >>

Keeping Up With...

PAGE 13 >>

We Interview: Maps & Atlases

contents

Unexpected Nice Weather Activities. Not included: drinking outside.

Just remember, it’s never as easy as you think.

Get a few in him and John’s jumping off the roof.

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page three

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Definition: A halo of magnificence that surrounds a girl who just spent over $2,000 shopping on her dad’s credit card. Kara had an aura of spendor around her after she came back from the mall with a new wardrobe purchased by her father.

it’s fraternity formal season, ladies merritt rethlake wrote this

You’re crossing your fingers that a friend of a friend needs someone to get shitty with, and your name is at the top of the list. The shopping strategy for a fraternity formal dress is a total 360˚ from a sorority formal dress. With the latter, you’ll want something that makes you look like a class act in front of your sisters; something sexy, but not too out there. The thought process going into the former, however, is something more like: “But am I going to look hotter than the other skanks there?”, “Is it tight enough to show that I haven’t eaten in two weeks but loose enough that I can Dougie in it?”, “Is it the right shade to match his bowtie?” All of these questions are valid and should be taken into consideration.

10) Have a Nerf gun fight: Shooting each other with foamy darts is actually more fun than throwing a disc around. And hurts significantly less when it hits you in the face. Unless you’re shooting at point blank range, then you’re just an asshole. 9) Have a picnic: Think it’s for pussies? Who doesn’t want to enjoy some manly grilled steak in the sunshine, and then bask on the soft ground in your full stupor? Chuck Norris sure as hell does. 8) Learn how to climb a tree: So you weren’t exactly the best with coordination as a kid? No big deal; your legs are longer and hopefully you’re stronger now. So buck the fuck up, hero and find the nearest Oak tree. Throw water balloons on the people below for a little extra fun.

time. You’ll play it classy with that short Old Fashioned for a while – until it actually hits you. After that, you’re nothing but an old fashioned hot mess. This is your goal for dinner: drunk enough to not remember what was on your plate or who you sat next to, but still mentally aware enough to not nod off in a bowl of Alfredo sauce. Class act awards like “Brother of the Year” and “Intramural Champs of the Year” will be handed out, accompanied by other coveted titles such as, “Shacker of the Year” and “Brother With the Hottest Mom.” What’s not to love? The bro who won “Most Likely to Throw Up at Formal” is nowhere to be found because he is, in fact, throwing up Smirnoff from an icing extravaganza. While all the guys are giving him crap about his projectile vomit, you’re sitting there just thinking, “Hey, at least he’s consistent.”

“the best part of formal is that you get to drink top shelf booze for the low, low price of your dignity.”

Once you have the dress and date finalized, you’re ready to gear up for the weekend. The best part of formal is that you get to drink top shelf booze for the low, low price of your dignity. You’ll reach the hotel and have to make a crucial decision: do you start drinking now or twenty minutes from now after the hair and make-up process has been completed? It’s strictly a judgment call. If the next day you can recall the events leading up to dinner, you’re doing it wrong. Get to be friendly with the hours between 4:00 and 7:00 p.m. That’s prime drinking

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Holy shit, it’s sunny. And that means we can crawl outside! But who wants to do boring shit like reading on a bench or playing Frisbee? No one, that’s who.

A hot sweat starts to break out as your iPhone buzzes with Facebook notifications. Multiple, unstoppable vibrations: this can only mean one thing. “[Insert name of rando] has uploaded 38 photos of you.” Dear God, no. You can deal with the standard weekend pics. Everyone has their nights at Outlaws documented from time to time. You were a bit wasted, but it was nothing to cause a ruckus over. But this, this is something entirely different. The pictures uploaded from this past weekend could end you. You were in an alternate universe – one that consisted of decorated coolers, booze-filled bathtubs, countless drinking chants, and one too many “Who is in this bed?” situations. Friends, fraternity formal season is upon us. Buckle up. This trashy, yet classy, season takes up the dead space between the months of February and April. If you were to explain it to your mother, perhaps the conversation would go something like this: “Don’t freak out, mom. It’s just like high school homecoming! We all get dressed up and enjoy a formal dinner at a hotel downtown with all of our friends! It’s nothing to worry about.” However, the truth behind that conversation lies somewhere in this: “Time to freak out, mom. It’s just like high school homecoming except for the fact that it’s not like high school homecoming at all. We get dressed up in ‘barely there’ apparel, only to strip it off later due to mass amounts of alcohol and peer pressure. Not everyone enjoys formal dinner because they’re already passed out on the table or in a closet. It’ll be at a hotel somewhere in the Midwest (we’re never actually certain where) with all of these party people I met once at Sips. It is everything to worry about.”

THe top ten Unexpected Nice-Weather Activities

Next comes the mass exodus to the pool. Despite what you may think, chlorine-infested waters will not cleanse you of the corruption that is the formal. But it will provide for a nice semi-shower, ridding you of any alcohol or food stains from dinner. Wethaired, you wander around trying to find your room. You trip over a suited figure in the hallway – his sunglasses on, pants off, Natty Light still in hand – and realize this frat-tastic mess is your date. You grab him by the bowtie to let him know it’s time for the next round of raging. That was the last memory you had. You wake up in a hotel bathrobe and ask yourself, “Is this heaven?” No, it’s fraternity formal season at Iowa State. And this season you’re anything but a rookie.

7) Have a dance party: Raves are for sweaty, cokedup whores. Are you a sweaty, coked-up whore? Oh, you are? Go outside and prance around like a idiot to some Skrillex. You’ll feel much better, and be a lot less covered in sticky rave juices. 6) Sell lemonade: Go to central campus and set up a lemonade stand. Write on it with crayon and everything. You’ll make some money, not to mention pick up mad chicks. They’ll think you’re adorable. 5) Public spooning (screw you, it’s not a crime.): You’ll have the sun beating down on you, the arms of your loved one wrapped around you, and uncomfortable stares from passers-by. It’s the perfect scenario. 4) Running across central campus with a streamer: It doesn’t matter what your gender is, what your sexuality is, or how cool you think you are: you secretly want to do this. So find some goddamn ribbon and just do it! #YOLO (right Drake? Cue the self-loathing. Carry on.). 3) Rollerblade: Bust out those neon rollerblades that you’ve had since 8th grade and whiz around campus like you’re the boss. Hell, wear some spandex shorts and a neon tank top while you’re at it. Welcome to the 90s bitches. 2) Hang up a hammock: This may or may not be illegal on campus, but I’m way too lazy to look that up. Find some sturdy trees and a relatively secluded part of campus and take the best nap you’ll ever have. 1) Go around dressed like a Mormon and offer to spread the word of God: Then read a passage from The Twilight Saga: New Moon. Laugh as you watch people run away screaming. Lather, rinse, repeat.

danielle levings wrote this

n i t s e b e th ! s c i p y t par

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how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

adam carver wrote this Almost out of food again? AND you’re running low on cash? The answer to save the day is making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich… if you know what the hell you’re doing.

the floor. You would pick it up, but your dog just grabbed one slice for himself. Dammit Buster! Don’t worry; one slice is still enough for a sandwich.

Start with the basics. You’re going to need bread, jelly, peanut butter, and a knife.

Spread the peanut butter nice and thick, so you can get a lot of Kool-Aid on the sandwich. You can add however many flavors you have, but you want to make sure it sticks to the peanut butter. Once you sprinkle on all of the Kool-Aid your taste buds require, throw on the lettuce, olives, peppers, and tomatoes.

Now, look at the bread. If it’s blue, it’s moldy. But mold is good for you sometimes. Isn’t that what penicillin is? Anyway, throw the blue slices away. The regular lookin’ slices are fine; you only need two. How’s the jelly looking? You grabbed the empty one. Remind yourself to beat your roommate for putting an empty container back in the fridge later. In the meantime, use his jelly, the one he keeps in his room. Wait, why is the grape jelly white? Damn, mold again. Since you can’t afford to buy more, use Kool-Aid instead. It’s grape too, so what does it matter? Make sure you put the peanut butter on first so the Kool-Aid sticks to the sandwich and doesn’t make a mess. You want to watch your diet, so make sure to grab any vegetables for the sandwich that you can. This way you can justify all the beer and junk food you’ll eat this weekend. With all the things laid out on the kitchen counter, now you can properly put everything together. As you reach for the peanut butter, your roommate’s cat pounces on you, knocking the bread to

But wait! Don’t cut off the crust. This isn’t elementary school. You ain’t gettin’ no recess. Grow up and leave that extra on the slice. It’s good for you, wussy. There you have it, a culinary masterpiece that has almost all the major food groups in one delicious meal. Retrieve some tap water and stale Cheetos and you’re ready for a fine feast. Sit down in front of your paused game of Modern Warfare III and get back to the mission. After painstakingly failing the mission, you feel that pang of hunger again. You pause the game to take a bite, just as your roommate walks in. You accuse him of being a degenerate and a thief for using all your jelly and call his cat the Antichrist for almost ruining your lunch. He flips you the bird and you go back to your sandwich. You’re so hungry your stomach is eating itself. As you bite into the sandwich, you experience a feeling you’ve never felt before. Your jaw quivers and you soon find yourself des-

Invent-O-Class: The Works of Tucker Max

adam carver wrote this

perately looking for a place to spit out your sandwich. With no other choice, you spit it into your glass of water. That sandwich sucked. Better have a beer to wash the taste out of your mouth. What? There’s no beer? Time to go to grocery shopping.

Unfortunately, spring break has passed, though the sweet smell of Malibu may still be seeping from every pore on your body. After losing yourself in an alcoholic nirvana, keep an eye on your email. Our registration numbers for next semester are on their way. Now, more than ever, The Black Sheep is here to give you the perfect English class for people who can’t stand poetry and think Jane Austen is a total whore. English 202: The Works of Tucker Max (3 credits – full semester class) Prerequisites: English 150, HRI383: Introduction to Wine, Beer & Spirits Can be taken in place of English 225: Survey of British Literature to 1800 College life is more than classes. What about all the drinking, parties, and hookups? What class can you register for to learn about the fun side of college life? Look no further than English 202. In this class, we dive headfirst into the works of Tucker Max, author of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Assholes Finish First, and the recently released Hilarity Ensues. In his books, Max recounts a litany of adventures that take place during his formative drinking years. From drunken hookups to sleeping with a midget stripper, Max is the textbook example of debauchery. The class will take place on Thursday and Friday from 8:00 p.m. until midnight (at the earliest). Like English classes 150 and 250, the curriculum will be split evenly between application and exposure of the arts. In the application process, students will try to create and experience real situations worthy of Tucker Max’s level of hilarity. On these nights, the class will meet in Campustown, rotating between the bars, drinking and

living life at every opportunity. The exposure element will focus on reading and discussing Max’s stories from his published works. Selections will be analyzed and discussed in class. We will also discuss at length how his works have succeeded and how he changed the current college reading curriculum. The class will be graded on four elements: originality of your own Max-based experiences, understanding of and participation in discussion of the assigned readings, and knowledge of specialty drinks consumed and ridiculed in the bar environment. The final element, attendance, will be the fourth grade added at the end of the semester. Attendance will account for 1% of the final grade, so make sure to attend every class period! At some point during the semester, we hope to have Tucker Max himself show up and give us some insight into his writing process and some advice for young writers. Since it will undoubtedly be expensive for the university to pay for his expenditures, the lab fee will pay for his plane ticket and hotel stay for one weekend at the Memorial Union hotel. In the event we can’t afford flying him in, we will arrange a class trip to meet him. For extra credit, students will be encouraged to submit stories to Max for his feedback. However, in the event of this, his feedback will be the deciding factor in how much credit will be given. **As this will be a pilot class, the students will be asked to keep track of the class and its structure in order to refine it for future semesters.**

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Karaoke Tuesday (9PM-1AM) $1 Tube Shots $5 (8) Boneless Wings $2.25 Spiced Rum and Pepsi

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John “Boy” Bullock OUTLAWS

Major: Civil Engineering How long have you worked here?: 4 years

Dare Shot?: We like to play the ice cube game. We’ll give you four ice cubes and you can toss them behind the bar. Whatever it hits goes in your shot.

What drink do you make most often?: Whiskey and Coke, though the most-ordered drink is Bud or Bud Light.

Best way to get your attention at the bar?: Eye contact is key! And whatever you do, don’t slam your mug.

What is your favorite drink to make?: Electric Lemonade (Blue Curacao, vodka, Sierra Mist, lemonade)

What would you say are the most popular line dances here?: “Copperhead Road” and “Cotton Eyed Joe”

What is the one story you will always remember?: There was one night a girl came in pretty intoxicated and she thought the corner of the main floor by one of the trash cans was a bathroom. She just pulled down her pants and started peeing against the wall.

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve done while drinking?: I’ve jumped off of a lot of roofs in my day.

Favorite night to work?: Thursdays; The people during mug night always have great energy.

And finally, would you rather wake up naked and sore next to Ronald McDonald telling you that “you were lovin’ it” or the Burger King saying ‘you had it your way’?: Definitely the Burger King. If I’m going to be sore I had better have had it my way!

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the art of Exting danielle levings wrote this Disclaimer: If you thought “exting” meant having sex with your ex, look somewhere else, because I’m no expert on how to make that shit work. Now to the task at hand, look me straight in the eye and tell me you have never sent and/ or received a text message from an ex after you’ve broken up. You can’t? It’s okay, neither can I. But talking with an ex via text message is very tricky. Sarcasm is mostly lost, winky faces can mean a whole host of things, and nothing kills a boner faster than misspelled words. But again, we’re not talking about banging your ex, so try not to worry about that last part. Yes, texting is a pain in the ass, because a text is never 100 percent clear. You have to be all kinds of careful with your interaction between you and an ex-lover. What if they hurt you again? What if you hurt them again? What if they manipulate you into fuck-buddy status and then you get emotionally involved AGAIN and then you cry yourself to sleep at night because you hate both your ex and yourself? Of course we don’t want any of that shit happening. For starters, don’t use any emoticons. They don’t have a “I deeply, truly hate you but still kind of love you” emoticon, and if we’re being honest here, that’s how you’re feeling. So don’t send a smiley face or a frowny face, and for fuck’s sake, don’t send a winky face. This innocent-looking piece of shit can get you in so much trouble. You were just trying to be funny and now your ex thinks you want

to meet them in the dumpster behind Denny’s for a little Moons Over My Punani. They text you back a ;-P, which, when you were dating was a secret code for cunnilingus. You’re disgusted. Just avoid the emoticons. As for actual talking, what did you talk about before you dated? I bet it was a lot of “how are you doing?” and “did you see South Park last night?” It’s not hard, just act like a human. Don’t send any cryptic messages; that shit is for the flirty texting stage. You know what each other’s genitals look like, there’s no secrets anymore. And for goodness sake, if you send any dick pictures or boob shots, you deserve whatever wrath comes your way when they circulate around campus. Just attempt to be a normal human. You can do that, can’t you?

Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas (2pm -7 pm) • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday (9pm - 1am) • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-1am) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)

Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws (2pm 7pm) • $3.50 All Craft / Imports (7pm - 1am) Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar All Day!

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il Pool & B

Honesty is also very important. If they ask you a question, tell them the honest-to-god answer. There’s no need to lie. You aren’t dating anymore, so who gives a shit what they know? You’re a free bird, act like it. The moral here is simple: don’t be an idiot. You know perfectly well how to be a civilized friend to someone, just extend that same olive branch to the person who used to stick it in ya. Don’t leave messages of you banging someone else on their voicemail, don’t send them shots of some other dude’s cock, and don’t be an ass and lead them on. They’re your ex for a reason. Just try and carry on with your lives as best you can. And if you can’t cooperate like good children, don’t talk to them. Duh.

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Welcome to Keeping Up With The Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore, the show that has your favorite bitches, morons, douchebags and idiots from America’s scummiest reality TV shows! These contestants are vying to win the only truly important prize: their lives! Let’s see what these dolts are made of!

THE CAST: Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio (The Real World) Dani and Gabi Victor (Bad Girls Club) Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola (The Jersey Shore) Kendall Jenner (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)

WEEK 3

Abby Lee Miller (Dance Moms) Soulgee (Ice Loves Coco) Kelly Bensimon (The Real Housewives of New York City) Chumlee Russel (Pawn Stars)

The Challenge:

lEarn a ChorEoGraphED DanCE, To BE pErformED in fronT of a Class of 3rD GraDErs.

The Outcome: Unsurprisingly, Abby Lee Miller leads this challenge, as she convinces the remaining contestants to do a striptease to the Mos Eisley Cantina song from Star Wars: A New Hope. All is going well until Kendall Jenner removes her top, “just like Kim taught her.” Because Jenner is a minor, she gets

WEEK 6 The Outcome: Kendall easily passes as she chats up a high school male about what it’s like seeing Kim Kardashian naked “like, every day.” Chumlee approaches a mentally handicapped person waiting in line to play the demo Playstation 3 at Best Buy. After ten minutes talking they decide that blue is the best

off scot-free, while Miller is arrested for breaking public indecency and child pornography laws. Karmic Death: Wearing only a leotard and eight-inch heels, she’s forced to fight a herd of 25 six-year-olds until she succumbs to their tiny fists of fury. The Challenge: EnGaGE in ConvErsaTion WiTh a ToTal sTranGEr for TEn minuTEs WiThouT TalKinG aBouT yoursElf.

color. Soulgee isn’t so lucky, as he accidentally references himself when discussing the loving relationship Ice-T and Coco have, the one he “tries not to force himself into.” Karmic Death: Suffocation via a gay black man’s nightmare: Coco’s enormous white tits.

WEEK 1 The Outcome: Most of our contestants do well, some surprisingly so. Abby Lee Miller scores a 29, and upon hearing the results lambasts the others for, “Doin’ so shitty cuz your moms didn’t raise ya’ll right.” Pawn Stars legend Chumlee scores a lowly 4 after skipping the English and Reading portions, but is saved when Sammi Sweetheart fails to complete the test in time.

WEEK 4 The Outcome: Used to constructing makeshift dildos on the fly, Soulgee produces a sex toy that judges deem a reasonable facsimile for a spacecraft. The Victor Twins - having never played with Legos before - hastily slap some blocks together, but continue onto the next round after secretly switching their construction with rival Johnny

WEEK 7

WEEK 2

The Challenge: GivE a homElEss pErson $5.

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner cries as she hands over the money, certain that her mom will bestow on her the beating of a lifetime. Chumlee Russel tries to talk the homeless man down before realizing he’s the one trying to give the cash away. In a purely malevolent move, the Victor twins turn their bill into a “Poo Lincoln” before

dropping it in front of a homeless man while walking away. Bensimon fails when she gives her $5 to Soulgee, as she assumes all black people are homeless.

The Challenge: TaKE ThE 'aCT'. She’s busy sobbing on the phone with her mom because Ronni forgot a smiley face emoticon in the text message he sent her wishing her good luck on the test. Karmic Death: Suffocated to death in a gas chamber set to emit a deadly mix of hair spray and spray tanner. LMFAO’s “Shots” plays at her wake.

WEEK 5

The Challenge: BuilD a spaCEship ouT of lEGos. Bananas. Bananas calls their deceit, but producers refuse to believe him, citing his frivolous lawsuit against the producers of Entourage as a reason not to believe him. Karmic Death: Devenanzio is forced to hang out with Kevin Dillon until Devenanzio kills himself.

The Outcome: In a moving moment that will forever go down in the annals of reality TV history, Chumlee apologizes to pawn shop owner Rick Harrison for the litany of fuck-ups he’s had since the show’s inception. The Victor twins lose when Gabi apologizes to Dani “for being dad’s favorite,” while Dani apologizes to Gabi “for being

The Challenge:

sinCErEly apoloGizE To an immEDiaTE family mEmBEr or ClosE friEnD you havE WronGED.

dad’s favorite.” A brawl ensues until the producers drag each off set, preparing them for their execution. Karmic Death: From behind a two-way mirror the twins’ parents push a big red button that electrocutes the twins to death. The parents go on to live full, happy lives in their twilight years.

The Challenge:

piTCh a shoW To famED WriTEr/proDuCEr DaviD simon (The Wire, Treme)

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner pitches Simon a show about, “You know, me, and stuff.” Chumlee, struggling to breathe under the weight of his own obesity, tells the writer/producer that he’d, “like to do one’a them shows where them girls come in and give Chumlee them blowjobs, and shit.” Simon attempts to walk off set before his

Karmic Death: The producers drop her off in Harlem dressed as a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. No one attends her funeral.

agent reminds him that this appearance will help provide funding for his critically-acclaimed but little-watched show. Karmic Death: Distraught with the state of modern media, Simon commits a murderdouble-suicide. His final words are, “Let’s see McNulty solve this one.”

While th at expecte didn’t end how d we , it cert better t ainly en han we d e d could ha Join us n ve hope ext year d! as we co the sma ntinue ll-scale genocide are actu peop ally hap py abou le t!

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Maps & Atlases

Our compasses pointed due north when we were lucky enough to score an interview with loveable rockers Maps & Atlases. Guitarist Erin talks to us about keyboards, soy products and his pet Pegasus. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Beware and Be Grateful, is set to be released on April 17th. Can you talk about your progression as a band, from your EPs to Perch Patchwork to this album? How is this the next step in your sonic evolution? Erin Elders: I think it’s a continuation of things we were exploring on Perch Patchwork. On that album we really started with texture, whereas our earlier EPs were more stripped down with a lot of guitar. Here we moved on past the Perch Patchwork orchestration, but we found new ways to layer sound with crazy guitars and whatnot. I think the writing style is a steady evolution from our previous album. TBS: How does the writing process work for you guys? Erin: Every record has been different, but I think that’s what most bands hope to do, where you let the process and story behind the record be its own thing. It’s good to break out of your own habits and artistic patterns. For this record there was these group of songs [lead singer] Dave had been working on during his tour and when we had a little off time. It happened in a really stripped down way. We figured out which songs worked as an album, fleshed them out and worked it out over multiple sessions. We’d then throw as many ideas down as we could, then see what worked and what doesn’t. TBS: Considering the length of time it takes to put a record out, how much of what you work on actually ends up on a record?

cd review

out now

The shins Port of Morrow Five years later, The Shins still don’t disappoint. The Shins are like your best friend from high school who you haven’t seen in five years. You’re slightly nervous things might have changed, but as soon as you sit down (at a bar, of course), it’s like you just saw her yesterday; you’re as comfortable as you’ve ever been and it’s just as familiar as when you were causing a ruckus together back in band class. Formed in Albuquerque, New Mexico, James Mercer (your imaginary best friend), and the gang have technically been putting out alternative-rock goodness since 1996 when they released their first EP and gained popularity by touring with bands like Modest Mouse. Things were going swimmingly, albeit slowly, but they were eventually signed to Sub Pop in 2001, releasing their classic album, Oh, Inverted World with such gems like “New Slang” and “Caring is Creepy.” With a slew of tunes featured in all sorts of movies and television shows, The Shins officially became a band with integrity—one that produced quality

songs that were both earnest and catchy. Two more popular albums later, the boys ditched Sub Pop to release albums on Mercer’s own label, Aural Apothecary. Switching out a few band members and letting half a decade fly by, Port of Morrow is upon us and it’s certainly worth the wait. The album has an all around classic Shins sound— never breaching the barrier of being too heavy and never slowing down enough to bum anyone out. The first single “Simple Song” isn’t my favorite on the album, but it’s by no means a bad tune; softly building up to an optimistic chorus that is safe and upbeat, it’s kind of like nice spring weather. “September” is a stand-out song that slows you down a bit, but keeps you interested with little patches of breezy beats. In fact, the entire album consists of numerous wonderfully upbeat tracks that make it a great listen without ever really needing to hit next. By the end of it, you’re not going to hear anything too crazy

GRADE B+

or shocking, but you’ll be pleased if standard Shins music always seems be the perfect thing to listen to when you don’t know what to listen to at all. Admittedly, none of this can be very shocking to anyone who is even remotely a fan of The Shins – they’ve just never let us down and, four albums later, they keep getting better. If you are a part of the handful of people in this world who have never listened to them (maybe their hype from Garden State a billion years ago turned you off for some reason), it’s certainly time to give them a chance. But for those who are longtime Shins fans, it’s worth the five-years-coming to hear them again, just like your high school BFF. Sounds Like: A plaid shirt smiling. Download: Simple Song, September Listen to it When: You’re the first one done with classes waiting on the porch for your roommates to get back to start drinking, gifting them with a beer.

Erin: It’s really interesting. When you think about how much time writing, recording and playing music and you contrast it with the amount of time you actually produce the sounds that end up on the record, it’s small. You have to get to that point, though. TBS: How do you strike a balance between making music you find personally gratifying, but also something your fans want to hear? Erin: It’s a tough thing. Everyone has different interests, and some are able to pursue them under the moniker of their band. But there’s other bands where an out-there record doesn’t work in the parameters of what the band is. Our band, we want to grow and change every record, but the way we move in the same direction, together, allows us to explore new things. TBS: How ambitious do you get with your sound? When you incorporate a new instrument is it out of necessity, like, “This thing makes this sound, so we will use it,” or is it, “We want to push the boundaries of how we consider ourselves as musicians”? Erin: With Beware and Be Grateful we started with these cheap Casio keyboards to get the sound up and running, and from there it was experimenting and seeing what stuck. Running with our instincts. We’ve tried doing it before, and it’s worked on certain songs. On this record, though, it helped us produce a really loose sound. TBS: You guys are headlining a tour right now. How do you prepare? Do you prepare? Erin: I think when you’re on tour it’s one of those things where you’re constantly trying to stay on schedule while being exhausted all the time. It’s basically keeping up until you crash and just stop caring about a timetable. TBS: Is there different pressure being the tour headliner? Erin: I think we’re always making sure we’re playing well and presenting the songs as best we can every night, regardless. I mean, you feel obligated to put on a good show for people who paid money to see you. Plus, how often do you get a chance to play a place like Shreveport, Louisiana? Once a year? You want to put on a good show for someone who might be seeing you for the first time. TBS: For someone who hasn’t seen you play live before, describe your show in five words or less. Erin: Four guys, lots of sound. TBS: What’s a band or artist you listen to that no one would think you like? Erin: I listen to a lot of top 40 radio. When we’re on tour peoples’ iPods get exhausted pretty quickly. I think Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” is an incredible song. TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Erin: I think a sandwich is a great culinary invention. I think a baguette, smoked tempeh, some tomato, avocado and spicy mustard. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Erin: A Pegasus seems ideal, you can ride it into town if you need to, or you can fly. TBS: The most practical of the mythical creatures.

UPCOMING RELEASES Brad Mehldau - Ode Melanie Fiona - The MF Life

Casey James - Casey James Odd Future - The OF Tape Vol. 2

Paul Van Dyk - Evolution Anti-Flag - The General Strike

Diggy - Unexpected Arrival Margot and Nuclear So & So’s - Rot Gut Domestic

the seek & find Let us know everything is where prize! Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pre and win a tt like someone y easy, just else we know .

Email us at games@thebla cksheeponline. com

class tim e

the crossword: reality television 5

across: 3) Joe Rogan is back and grosser than ever! (2 words) 6) This show is watching you. (2 words) 8) “Ron, why you a-gotta make ya mamma so sad? She make-a you a spicy meat-a-ball!” (2 words) 9) A hyper man and a fat man walk into a barn... (2 words) 10) This fashion show would force you to get rid of all your bar crawl shirts. (4 words) 13) In the grim darkness without electricity, there is only Jeff Probst.

W H A

H O A 6 R B D E R S R S

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15) The cast of this reality show probably picks up crabs in port, too. (2 words) 16) Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 words) 16) Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 words) 17) Glorifying unprotected sex since 2009! (2 words) 18) Yo, we put a clue in your clue so you can read this clue while read clues. (3 words) DOWN: 1) Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2) This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. 4) To the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate answer would be “white people.” (2 words) 5) Dave Chappelle lampooned this show by letting the world know, “Katie has some big-ass tittays.” (2 words) 7) This show got a spin-off titles “Deadliest Roads.” (3 words) 11) ... and the winner is... Kris Allen? (2 words) 12) Every rose has its thorn, every dude on this show’s a douchebag. (2 words) 14) Pack your knives and go if you don’t want this show. (2 words)

Down Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2 This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. photographer 4 To Howell the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate Amanda answer would be "white people." (2 Words) Kosama West Towne Pub Creamery Outlaws John’s Natural cartoonist 5 Dave Chappelle Clear lampooned this Channel Welch Ave The Grove Sips Foods Danielle Hernandez US Bank Pizza Pit Hunsinger PropPattie’s Kill N Time show by letting the world know, DG’s Tap Housetittays." Jeff’s PIzza erties Family Video Studio had some big-ass (2 campus"Katie director Old Maine BrewHeadliners West Side Wings Cyclone Liquor ALL Greek Words) ing Company Planned Parent- anytime fitness AJ’s Market Houses! Brendan Bonham 7 This show got a spin-off The Corner titled hood bob buys books Culver’s Bins Around black market Tom’s Barber Campus! "Deadliest Roads."Pocket (3 Words)Studio X Twitter Hairis...Kris Mechanics Allen? Sargaent(2 Peppizza Shop Brick Stone 11 ...and the winner @TBS_IowaState Project 20 pers romantix His/Her’s Hair Legacy Words) 20(Restaurant Northwest Cafe Es Tas Saloon Welch Crown 12 Every rose has its thorn, every dude Side) Coldstone Cy’s Roof New Rock 105.1 MORE! Facebook on this show's a douchebag. (2 The Black Sheep Words) at Iowa State 14 Pack your knives and go if you don't watch this show. The (2 Black Words) Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does Questions? 1

s gan is back and grosser ver! (2 Words) how is watching you. (2 ) why you a-gotta ya campusmake manager ma so sad? She make-a Brian Skalak you y meat-a-ball!" (2 Words) er man and a fat man walk Advertising Manager barn... (2 Words) Averi Tjarks ashion show would force you rid of all editorial your barcrawl Manager (4 Words) Molly Bryant grim darkness without city, there is only Jeff distribution Manager . Shane Small ast of this reality show bly picks up crabs in Team port, Marketing Words) Lauren Etscheidt that white trash buys and Lauren Lynch egular trash. (2 Words) Ben Jones ying unprotected since Caitlinsex Higgins (2 Words) e put a clue in Writers your clue so an read this clue while you Abram (Brent) LeBlanc lues. (3 Words) Adam Carver Chris Biagini Danielle Levings Leanna Hasenmiller Merritt Rethlake Molly Carpenter Emily Ergenbright

A D L I

M P M

N 3 4 5 E F E A R F A C T O R X M E T H E R A A Z L R E I W N O G R C A N P I C K E R S L A D 12 11 O W E A R T C M H E O R E E R B I A E S T C A T C H A H 17 N T E E N M O M I L Y R I D E O O R L

T A R S

P I

I C E R O 9 A D T R U C K E R S

Down 1 Are you going to take 1,000 copies of this paper and hide them in your house for 25 years? 2 This four-letter word let your partner know the date was over. 4 To the Klu Klux Klan, an alternate answer would be "white people." (2 Words) 5 Dave Chappelle lampooned this show by letting the world know, "Katie had some big-ass tittays." (2 Words) 7 This show got a spin-off titled "Deadliest Roads." (3 Words) 11 ...and the winner is...Kris Allen? (2 Words) 12 Every rose has its thorn, every dude on this show's a douchebag. (2 Words) 14 Pack your knives and go if you don't watch this show. (2 Words)

T D O 16 P A W N C H E F

the clues

Across 3 Joe Rogan is back and grosser than ever! (2 Words) 6 This show is watching you. (2 Words) 8 "Ron, why you a-gotta make ya mamma so sad? She make-a you a spicy meat-a-ball!" (2 Words) 9 A hyper man and a fat man walk into a barn... (2 Words) 10 This fashion show would force you to get rid of all your barcrawl shirts. (4 Words) 13 In the grim darkness without electricity, there is only Jeff Probst. 15 The cast of this reality show probably picks up crabs in port, too. (2 Words) 16 Proof that white trash buys and sells regular trash. (2 Words) 17 Glorifying unprotected sex since 2009! (2 Words) 18 Yo, we put a clue in your clue so you can read this clue while you read clues. (3 Words)

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