The Black Sheep
Fr and ee...l boo ike ze live sh mu oul sic db e!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 5 4/12/12 - 4/25/12
The crap-I’m-Almost-DoneWith-College-Already Guide
theblacksheeponline.com @TBS_IowaState
Tamara Bartlett wrote this
With the flowering trees, the thawing of Lake Laverne and the crazed look in the eyes of students as finals approach, it’s impossible to deny that this semester is coming to an end. For some of you, your entire college career is wrapping up. If you’re graduating, it’s now or never. So now that you’ve got some smarts and worldly experiences (and hopefully a job), it’s time to screw off a little. Take a few personal days to get things done that are really worth talking about. Now, here’s a little advice on how to make a to-do list that will help you savor these last few weeks of school. What is important to Iowa State University students? For a lot of you, life revolves around the following: food, extracurricular activities, relationships, drinking, friends, your love life, gossip, school, clubs, bars and school pride. Since you’ve already spent plenty of time on school and extracurriculars to pad your resume, let’s focus on the rest. Your To-Do list activities will inevitably fall into one of the following four categories: ISU and its Traditions: Pay tribute to your soon-to-be Alma Mater. People: Friends, love lives, relationships, etc. Consumables: Food, drinking, bars and restaurants. Challenges: Because who doesn’t love a good, old fashioned double-dog-dare. As we all have heard since our first tour, you must fulfill some requirements to be a “True Iowa Stater”: going campaniling, eating pancakes at the midnight pancake feeds on Central Campus, running from Curtiss to Beardshear in the 12 strokes of midnight. So do it! Go suck face under a giant clock tower at midnight. Go stuff yourself with pancakes on VEISHEA weekend. For goodness sake, please go streaking across Central Campus at a dead sprint. (Maybe you’ll even have an audience.)
Other stuff
Inside
If you’re feeling less conventional, there are some other options for you. Maybe you and your sweetheart should take a romantic trip to the Parks Library. Perhaps you should risk acquiring diseases to take a dip in Lake Laverne with the swans. Try to visit every building on campus, or go see Reiman Gardens. Maybe you want to make a visit to Jack Trice and re-enact some of ISU’s most glorious football moments on the turf. If you’re feeling a little anti-ISU, maybe put it on your To-Do list to step on the Zodiac, or even steal Lancelot and Elaine. (Be careful; they won’t go down without a fight.) Either way, your To-Do list is not complete unless it has some ISU sentimentality on it. Eating and drinking are important to college kids and essential to survival; they need to be addressed. A few items on your To-Do list should cover consumables. Ames is known for some of its restaurants; choosing not to patronize them is only a disservice to you. You’ve never seen such large, yellow pancakes as the ones served at The Grove on Main Street. You don’t deserve to claim Ames as your home if you’ve never ordered off the ice cream menu at Hickory Park. You have failed as an ISU student if you’ve never made a late-night trip to the Super Dog stand. If you’re the bar type, your To-Do list must have the two following items: ‘Enjoy a Long Island at Cafe B. for FAC’ and ‘Give in to the fruity-goodness of the Welch Avenue Station original, a Pissed Off Japanese Minnow Farmer’. If you are unacquainted with any of these morsels, put them on the to-do list.
more year T.A.? To-Do: Get his e-mail via StalkerNet and let him know. Take the time to settle these crucial social matters; put it on the To-Do list.
Before you depart from college for good, reach out to people to get that closure you deserve. You know that guy who you took to formal that hit on your friends the entire time? To-Do: Throw a drink in his face. Do you remember borrowing $10 from the guy down the hall freshman year? To-Do: Pay him back. Have you forgotten that frenemy that spent the fall semester spreading vicious lies about you? To-Do: Tell her what you really think of her. Will you really let love pass you by because you’re too scared to confess your crush to your sopho-
Finally, everyone loves a challenge, or a dare, so put a few thing on your To-Do list that push your limits. Make it a goal to get a picture with someone famous, maybe Paul Rhoads, Fred Hoiberg or Steele Jantz. Maybe you want to move it like Bernie with Scottie Christopherson at the bars; put that on the list too. If you’re looking for a physical feat, maybe you need to climb the Marston Water Tower or test your liver’s strength by doing the Margarita Challenge. Maybe you’ll challenge yourself to make an appearance in the Daily’s police blotter. It’s really up to you. So when you sit down, pondering your legacy at Iowa State, make a To-Do list. Don’t forget to include some ISU traditions, some dining and drinking goals, some goals in the personal relationship area, and maybe a challenge or two. Make it bold, make it memorable. Make the very last of your 4 (or 5 or 6) years at college count.
Unless you’re the laziest pussy ever.
Tips on How to Finish Your Paper Without Working Hard.
How to Pay Back College Loans.
see page 4
see page 7
see page 11
There’s No Crying In Baseball
write this
Invent-O-Class
Table of > > >
PAGE 4>>>
The Top Ten
PAGE 7 >>
The Collaborative Efforts of Rebecca Black and Carly Rae Jepsen
Ways to Recover From Veishea. yeah, you were there. don’t you remember?
contents 7
It’s like one of those old horror movies with Dracula and a Werewolf, but for your ears.
page 10 >>
Bartender of the Issue
page 13 >>
The Black Sheep Interviews: Shpongle
PAGE 15>>
So You’re In Love With A Fictional Character?
Kevin doesn’t like it when he’s home alone.
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Our chat with simon posford, one half of the trippy electronic dj duo.
You sure you’re not a devout Christian?
April is GYT Month. That’s get yourself tested. Spread the word - GYT and you could win a $50 gift card. Visit www.facebook.com/ ppheartland.
2530 Chamberlain St. | Ames www.ppheartland.org | 1.877.811.7526
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Definition: The alarming disappearance of a fat-come-recently-fit person amongst their group of fat loser friends. Pat’s absduction was swift, after he lost weight he spent much more time in pussy than in the gaming room.
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THe top ten
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Ways to Recover From Veishea So it’s over, and while your body survived your soul didn’t. While you might be condemned to the fiery pits of hell, that’s like 60 years away. Until then you gotta pretend you have your shit together. 10) Apologize to your friends and/ or significant other for being a complete and utter douchenozzle the whole week: No, being drunk is not an excuse. “But she was hot” is an even worse excuse. You might be able to salvage some relationships that you didn’t completely destroy dancing on the bar at Paddy’s. Yes, everyone saw the shape and size of your vagina, but at least you shaved. Good job, sweetheart. 9) Stop blasting “Call Me Maybe” from your car, iHome or anywhere else in public: That song will be so overplayed by the time Veishea is over that anyone who hears it will instantly start crying and puking simultaneously. Save us all the trouble and heartache.
there’s no crying in baseball merritt rethlake wrote this Unless you’re a spectator – then you have every right to weep. Luckily we’re here to share a few easy ways to make watching baseball worthwhile. Being an avid baseball fan myself, it’s difficult for me to imagine how people despise America’s pastime. It’s like saying you hate other American classics like apple pie, the 4th of July or Teen Mom. Just how un-American are you? With the major league season upon us, dispute about the slowpaced sport has sparked up as it does each year. It’s a sport that you either love or hate. There’s no in between; similar to blacking out. But it’s true, for a large number of people, that our country’s pastime has found a home on the back burner when it comes to enjoyable enterprises. Throw the ball. Hit the ball. Catch the ball. Repeat for the next 938,741 hours. You get weird sunburns. People are spitting sunflower seeds in all directions. Babies are crying. Vendors are going around playing the sympathy card – how can you not purchase a bag of Cracker Jacks from a person carrying a ton of weight in sweltering heat? What are Cracker Jacks anyway? Where’s my prize? Has he pitched the ball yet? The 300-pound man sitting next to you is graciously sharing his sweat with you. Some player just chucked his bat into the stands and nailed a kid. A woman just fell down the awkwardly leveled concrete stadium steps. What kind of place is this?! Give The Black Sheep a baseball butt slap for letting you in on secrets as to how to make the never-ending game a tad more interesting. The most obvious solution to make baseball (or any event for that matter) more fun is to drink. And drink. And drink. And drink some more. And suddenly you’ve decided that you and your buddies are the team’s biggest fans. You’re throwing out Field of Dreams references in every other sentence. You start flapping your arms in honor of Angels
8) Monitor your Facebook photos: Look through them to see if you’re doing anything illegal, hideous, or if your snatch is in full view of the camera. If so, take those down immediately or face the possibility of your parents finding out whom you really are. You can’t risk that. 7) Stop eating Pancheros: The grease will just mix with the leftover Everclear in your intestines and you’ll spend the entire day shitting a mixture of shame and sadness.
in the Outfield. You spend all nine innings shouting statistics about each player. What’s this guy’s batting average? “.850. He’s pretty decent this season.” How much was he traded for? “$912 million.” Who’s going to win the World Series this year? “Utah.” How drunk are you? “Fuck you.”
6) Go get checked for STDs: Who knows who you screwed over Veishea weekend? You certainly don’t. Did you use a condom? The hell if you know. So be safe instead of taking the chance of being covered in pus-filled warts on your naughty bits.
Apart from enlightening baseball-goers, creating your own drinking game is always a success. You can think outside the batter’s box on this one. Instead of just taking a drink every time someone hits a home run (you’ll never be drunk if you play that way), expand your options! Chug a beer whenever there’s a foul ball. Chug a beer whenever an Asian player is on the field. Chug a beer whenever a woman gets confused about what’s going on. Chug a beer whenever you wish you had a stronger drink in your hand.
5) Go to class on Monday: Yes, it might be horrible and your head will be throbbing and everyone will judge the shit out of you, but you won’t be as behind as you could be. Power through it like a champ.
Yeah, the beer at the stadium can be pretty spendy, but that’s why you smuggle your own in! You’d be surprised to see all the secret compartments in a bag that can house Bud Light without security finding it in their amateur search. No bag? Cleavage. Security guards will never go there. The baseball players will be the only ones at the stadium going to second base.
3) Sleep: Seriously, day drinking and staying up all night has not done good things to your face. You look like Clay Aiken after his facelift. Go hibernate, because you look bear-y tired. Laugh at that terrible pun? You’re delirious, get some rest.
Ladies, if drinking isn’t your thing then there’s one beautiful feature of baseball that will distract you from watching the game. Have you ever seen a baseball uniform? They are, without a doubt, the best-fitting uniform in any sport. Basketball has unsatisfying, loose garments. You can’t even see hockey or football players underneath all their padding. Form-fitting pinstripes outlining perfectly-chiseled bodies are simply unbeatable. Talk about a grand slam. You better find some way to enjoy the season. 162 games is no joke. And neither is the Cubs being world champions. Oh wait, yeah, that one kind of is.
4) Puke everywhere: It’s not like your gag reflex isn’t used to the workout. Just fire up the old cock gobbler and get rid of the 6 martinis you downed last night. Your throat may hate you, but your stomach gives that a big thumbs-up.
2) Stop mourning the fact that you didn’t get to see Big Boi: Come on, guys, it was a year ago. You just saw a whole new crop of bands, which were totally kickass, who cares if you didn’t see some guy rap his one song you actually know? 1) Stick leeches all over your body: In olden times they were used to suck poison or “bad blood” out of a person. And obviously after your body has been ravaged by more jungle juice than you have seen in your entire life, the toxins have to go somewhere. Plus, you could make a YouTube video of drunken leeches. It’s a win-win.
danielle levings wrote this
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The Collaborative Efforts of Rebecca Black and Carly Rae Jepsen Merritt Rethlake wrote this
Iowa State students have not been able to socialize anywhere without hearing “Call Me Maybe.” It’s the first song suggested by partygoers, both male and female, and the song receives a record-breaking 587% liking rating. We asked Carly Rae Jepsen what she thought of her overnight success. “I’m thinking of recording another song soon maybe. And I think it will be just as well received by my audience maybe. I don’t want to rush into anything, but I’m excited about becoming a pop star maybe.” Jepsen has put pop music listeners everywhere at a standstill. It was almost exactly a year ago that Rebecca Black unleashed her one-hit (thank God) wonder and left the Cyclone community without an answer to the eternal question: which seat should we take? Sources confirm that Black teamed up with new artist Carly Rae Jepsen in order to reinstate the havoc she once wreaked. Black reported that she let Jepsen in on all the tricks of the trade. Her advice calling for extreme repetition, elementary lyrics, and an undeniably catchy beat helped make Jepsen’s song the phenomenon it is today. “It’s also important to make a super awesome music video,” said Black. “Without a visual, people wouldn’t be able to see what ‘Friday’ really is all about. There’s so much depth to the song, and I really wanted to portray that in my $58 music video.”
Jepsen took this advice and also made her own music video. Here’s what happens: Jepsen creeps out of her window, watching some tatted-up skinny guy mow her lawn. She starts washing a car to get his attention. (Don’t worry, the suds and wife-beater attire are meant to detract from her 13-year-old appearance and make her look like a sex kitten, therefore making it okay for her to pounce on aforementioned Mr. Tats.) The she sings in a garage for a while, proving that she’s super punk rock. But by the end of the video, we find that skinny guy is gay. Poor Carly Rae. The end. Black has taken Jepsen’s success without any hard feelings. She said she doesn’t feel like she’ll never write again, like many people presume. “I’m really happy for Carly,” said Black. “Plus, I have six more potential songs to write. People are waiting in anticipation to know what day comes after Friday.” Nonetheless, we’re starting to find that bad things happen when you combine alcohol and mediocre music. Whether it was a goal of hers or not, Jepsen’s listeners are now in another state of confusion, wondering if they’ll ever receive a call from the person they gave their number to last weekend. Students across campus are claiming that Jepsen’s song gave them the confidence to walk up to attractive people, admit their craziness, and ask them to call (maybe). The number of sleepless nights has skyrocketed since the release of the single. One student, who chose to remain anonymous, said, “I haven’t slept in nine days. I shouldn’t be so anxious about it. I mean, I did say call me maybe. And there’s
write this: tips on how to finish your paper without working hard adam carver wrote this
definitely some gray area there.” “It’s an epidemic,” said some students, to which Black offered her reply, “But does it need a cure?” If Rebecca Black (or Jepsen for that matter) is the cure, I will take death instead. Maybe.
Have you ever had an assignment that requires you to write a paper at a specific length but for the life of you, you don’t know how to do it? Well, follow me into the writer’s block tunnel and out the other side. Each issue of The Black Sheep requires us talented monsters to submit two articles for you wonderful readers to suck on while you down that lukewarm PBR you found under your bed. We used to consult a massive Rolodex of ideas, but the words “original” and “prepackaged” and “miscarriage” were thrown around more than we would like to admit. Now, we have to scavenge our minds while our teachers are talking, looking for the next brilliant idea that we could squeeze on a word document to keep you smiling. Some ideas are rejected right away. Apparently, making a life-size sculpture of GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum made of entirely bananas isn’t really something worth writing about. I asked if I could do investigative journalism pieces, but the legal department made it perfectly clear that offering free genital examinations was inappropriate and far from newsworthy (what a bunch of party poopers). So, when the well runs dry, what do I do to conjure up article ideas? It isn’t always the same thing. Sometimes it requires posing deep questions to the homeless drunks of Campustown. While other times, it’s eavesdropping on the phone call taken in a voice that IS WAY TOO LOUD for privacy. The best way to bullshit on a lengthy paper is to
get the required length? String a thin line of facts across many paragraphs, spreading them as far out as you can without losing the central theme. If your paper is on physics, make sure you leave a ton of space for any equation that even remotely applies. If you can get away with it, add graphs and charts. People don’t read text if you simplify it into pretty colors and pie charts. If the paper is based on length, increase the font size of all punctuation a point or two. You’ll be amazed how much that helps on a paper that needs a length upwards of ten pages. I’ve tried in the past to find ways around the assignment. Hell, that’s the American Way. Some teachers frown on that though. I know one teacher that was so grumpy when I called them out on the impossible requirements in my paper that I ended up with a C. That paper warranted far better than a C grade, but some professors have stubbornness that doesn’t allow for their ego to be deflated. So, does any of that help? Probably not if you are still eating the same stale pizza from last Wednesday. Go take a shower and remember to brush that yellow film off of your teeth. Once you’re done with getting cleaned up, open up another beer (a cold one this time) and let’s Facebook. All great ideas come from the F-book. Think this was a waste of your time? If you read this far it ain’t. I just wrote an entire article about nothing. Told you I could.
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F.A.C. 3-8pm Buck Burgers $4 Fishbowls After 8: $2 Wells and Draws
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Movie Night $1 Wells/Draws
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Country Night $2 PBR Tall Boys $2 Busch Light Tall Boys and Draws
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Happy Hour Prices on Pitchers All Day and Night!
$1 Off Pints of Olde Main Brews $4 Monkey Bombs
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2-Fer Thursday! 2-fer Wells (9PM-1AM) $2.50 Domestic Draws 11PM-1AM
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Unfiltered Friday! $5 Regular Nachos & $1.50 Draws and Keystone Lt. (2PM-7PM) $3.50 Craft and Import Bottles (7PM-1AM) $3.50 Blvd. Wheat
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$2 Wells and Draws of Domestic Beer $3.50 Bombs
Karaoke Tuesday (9PM-1AM) $1 Tube Shots $5 (8) Boneless Wings $2.25 Spiced Rum and Pepsi
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$0.50 Drinks til Midnight
White Trash Wednesday $2 Tatertot Casserole $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) $2 PBR and Keystone Tallboys from 7p-1AM
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Bartenderof the Issue
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Kevin Johnson Paddy’s
Major: Accounting How long have you been bartending: 2 1/2 years Drink you make most often: Rum and Coke Favorite to make? Old Fashioned - Rye whiskey, lemon, bitters, cherries, on the rocks with an orange slice. Dare Shot: I like to serve this as a birthday shot Wild Turkey 101, Bacardi 151, Jaeger, Tabasco sauce, pineapple juice, and a packet of salt. It’ll knock you on your ass. Most memorable moment at Paddy’s: When I was still working as a floor guy someone came to tell me there was a girl in the men’s restroom. When I went
to investigate she told me that I needed to guard her so guys couldn’t watch her go to the bathroom. When she was finished she said she was too drunk to pull her pants up by herself. I still make fun of her to this day. Are you working VEISHEA: Absolutely! I’m really excited for all the tips. What’s your favorite part about VEISHEA Week: I like to play a game - see how drunk I can get till I get kicked out of class. Happened to me freshman year. My professor told me to get out because he could smell me the moment I walked in. What’s the best way to get your attention at the bar: A lot of people like to yell like that mom from Home Alone. “Keviiiiiiiin!” But I usually just go in order.
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Invent-O-Class: How to Pay Back College Loans adam carver wrote this VEISHEA time people! That means we only have a few weeks left of school. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting ready to start my summer plans: sleeping in 8 days a week. For those of you graduating or looking to soon, we got a great new Invent-O-Class that will really justify those 6 years it took to get that Bachelor’s degree in whatever. Debt 101: How to Pay Back College Loans (3 credits – half semester class) Prerequisites: Extreme Poverty 302, Math 150: Discrete Mathematics for Business and Social Sciences, Chinese 101 Required for anyone who doesn’t know how to use a credit card or pay bills. About to step out into the real world and breathe that first breath of freedom? Think again. You’re as far from being free as the detainees at Guantanamo Bay. Remember all the loan and FAFSA paperwork you filled out so college wouldn’t be so expensive? That ain’t free money; you’ve got to pay that back. This course will equip you with all the necessary methods to pay back any debt your philosophy degree hands you over the course of your time at Iowa State. Unfortunately, prostitution and drug dealing will not be covered in this class, Iowa State prefers to have that occur off campus. Instead, we will discuss the more practical ways to pay down all your debt. The first few weeks will cover gold-digging. Whether you’re marrying a rich person or suing a company with shaky practices, we’ll give you tips on the preferred methods of manipulation.
If your single shred of conscience makes you uninterested in that route, we can inform you on how to quickly rake in the millions as a reality TV star or trophy spouse. This study will examine Anna Nicole Smith, Paris Hilton, and Justin Bieber and their ascension to profitability. The remainder of the class will help the less attractive and ultimately more gifted people explore how selling arts and crafts on Etsy will get you nowhere near paying off your crippling debt. Good looking, shallow people won’t show up for this portion of class, simply because they’ll think it doesn’t apply to them. Once they quit showing up, we’ll learn résumé building and interviewing skills as well as ways to cut your own spending habits. When the self-righteous, entitled people pop in from time to time, we’ll merely stroke their ego since all we do is serve them (sarcasm). Their occasional attendance will allow students to find the drive and work ethic to distance themselves from these vacuous people. Daddy may bail them out of jail, but this class will give you all the tools to pay off your debt in no time so that you find yourself appointed to the committee that investigates Daddy’s money laundering. Then, all you’ve learned in this course will pay off two-fold as you can testify for the defense that Mr. and Mrs. 1% mismanaged money and how it caught your eye. In the event these this epic scenarios fail to play out, all students will be taught the necessary skills to work at any fast food restaurant. “Do you want fries with that?”
Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas (2pm -7 pm) • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday (9pm - 1am) • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-1am) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)
Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws (2pm 7pm) • $3.50 All Craft / Imports (7pm - 1am) Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of PBR (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar All Day!
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Sweeps Season: With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.
Happy Endings (ABC)
Marry, Bang, Kill Edition
Marry!
In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.
The show is full of plausible scenarios executed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby could just get on with his miserable life? That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge
Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic. To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”
dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hell-bend on remaining that way? Zuh? A comedy based in reality, teased out to be hilarious? Well, we’ll be damned.
Person of Interest (CBS) Ba ng!
New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey
In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?
Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.
Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.
Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:
Or, Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-the-teeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the universe of alien pedophiles.
It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interest sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain worthy of some praise.
2 Broke Girls (CBS) In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!
Kill!
That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.
There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL! There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy.
Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!
But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh. Seriously, look at the premise of two episodes, and the moral each story:
Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit. Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids. This was supposed to be a comedy, right?
Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!
Bang!
Kill!
Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than an extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.
Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence.
There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horn-dogs!
Deschanel, everyone!
Up All Night (NBC)
In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.
Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer to take care of his dirty work.
Marry!
In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!
Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing. Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.
New Girl (FOX)
Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “We think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks,” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “She spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”
One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weak-willed writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossibleto-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs
trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “Well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”
the music page
the black sheep interviews:
shpongle
You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Check them out at the House of Blues in Chicago on May 10th, or during the Summer Camp Music Festival in Chillicothe, IL, May 25-27th. The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music? Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music. TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it? Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live a band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.
cd review
out now
M.Ward A Wasteland Companion Predictably great chill tunes, man. M. Ward is a phenomenal singer, songwriter and guitarist who’s been around for over a decade, consistently performing and releasing music, never faltering on his undeniable raw talent. He’s also one half of She & Him with the adorkable Zooey Deschanel, and one quarter of the incredibly talented 2009 folk collaboration, Monsters of Folk. Not to mention his nearly constant touring and various other collaborations throughout the years, that’s a whole hell of a lot of information about a quiet guy from the west coast. A Wasteland Companion is M. Ward’s 8th album, a feat for anyone and especially for someone who’s under 40. At this point in his career, it’s assumed and quite blatant that he’s got his shit down. M. Ward knows exactly who he is, what and how he’s going to play his music, and, perhaps most importantly, what his fans like. That’s not to say that he hasn’t grown as an artist or become more polished, but
if you listen to his discography, it’s all pretty damn similar—acoustic folk music with passionate, relatable lyrics that sometimes make you sad and sometimes give you the chills. The majority of his songs hover around 3 minutes, but often times much less with barely enough time to even get a song rolling. With him, it’s not so much about finding one song that stands out (though it’s happened, obviously), but enjoying everything just as it happens to be. At just under 40-minutes long, A Wasteland Companion is nothing but predictably great M. Ward quintessential folk rock. The first song released was, “The First Time I Ran Away,” a low-key tune with sparse, simple lyrics and subtle guitar—one of the slower and weaker tracks on the album. Some of my favorites, though, are “Me and My Shadow” and “Crawl After You” because they’re two of the more interesting, standout songs on the album. “Crawl After
GRADE B
You” is particularly beautiful with a nice piano and violins melodies (and painfully cute lyrics). And, if you listen closely throughout the album, you might just hear Deschanel herself featured in a few of the tracks. Subtly, of course. It’s a damn shame if you haven’t checked M. Ward out by now because he’s definitely worth a listen. But if you’re going to get this album, you’ve got to check out some of his other stuff (Post-War is a personal favorite) too. That way, if any of his songs get a little too slow, you can just go on to the next one (on to the next one). Sounds Like: A shy honeybee drinking lemonade on a bench, by himself. Download: Me and My Shadow, Crawl After You, Primitive Girl Listen to it When: You’re just vibing out, preferably in a hammock or by a lake.
TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images) and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about? Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd. TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’ Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect. TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind? Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment. So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain. TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props? Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter. TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level? Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though! TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice? Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.
UPCOMING RELEASES Bonnie Raitt - Slipstream Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine
Alabama Shakes - Boys & Girls Taproot - Episodes
Jason Mraz - Love is a Four Letter Word Train - California 37
Neon Trees - Picture Show Yann Tiersen - Skyline
15
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hungry woman wrote this
First off, who are you in love with? You look like an Edward type. Does the idea of a giant sparkly cock impregnating you with demon spawn entice you? Do you drink animal blood in an attempt to be more like your beloved? Perhaps you even wear caramel contacts and stay out of the sun to look like a Twilight vampire. No, of course not, we don’t think you’re a teenage, sex-starved fan girl who spends all of her time making Twilight gifs on Tumblr. Our bad! Jesus, we said we were sorry, calm yourself. What about Harry Potter? Surely something about the lone, strong hero with a dark past and a promising future intrigues you. Maybe it’s his tousled hair, or his kickass battle scar on his forehead. Or maybe you just think Daniel Radcliffe is dreamy. Wait a minute, how tall did you say he is? 5’ 4”?! Well our boner just went to the place where good things go to die. So it must not be him. Voldemort? Ok, now we’re just being stupid. But if not them, then who? You obviously have a problem. You always wear your hair in the
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But what about Gale? The brooding, classic “best friend” turned lover? He doesn’t tickle your fancy? Well go for it as long as this one doesn’t turn into a “team Gale vs. team Peeta” showdown. I think I’ll just go puke instead. So…you want to go watch The Hunger Games for the 5th time and take pictures with the life-sized posters? Ok AWESOME. We’ll bring our Mockingjay pin!
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This is dangerous, friend, your breed is a kind we’ve never seen before. Smart, good taste in literature, actually attractive. You probably have people that actually want to date you but are too afraid to try and live up to a person who isn’t even real. You’re essentially crippling any chance you have of having a normal, human relationship. Yes, Peeta is carelessly good-looking, kind, and fiercely loyal. Yes, he can bake. And even though Katniss hasn’t showered in at least two weeks he still thinks she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on. He’s so wonderful…NO! No. Snap out of it! We won’t fall prey to his sexy eyes or auburn hair or rippling muscles…too late. We’re goners.
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campus manager Brian Skalak
braid, and that weird flaming bird that looks like a legendary Pokémon (but totally isn’t) on your shirt. And you’re always talking about pita bread. It’s good, yeah, but why…oh. Oh god. You’re a The Hunger Games fan girl. Attempting to look like Katniss, yelling “That is Mahogany!” whenever someone smacks a table…you’re in love with Peeta.
iPhone
So, you’re in love with a fictional character?
So. You’re in love with a fictional character. No, stop trying to deny it; everyone can clearly see the posters plastered all over your room in your Facebook photos. But it’s ok, really, so long as you’re not obsessing over them. Oh, you are. Well. In that case we need to take you through a little reconditioning therapy. It’s a trick we picked up during the Cold War, when we were fighting the goddamn commies for our right to put satirical stories on the internet.
class tim e
the madlib: a dubstep show
Hey __1__, have you heard of this new music, dubstep? I don’t know how I haven’t heard that shit before, it’s so __2__. Basically, it’s electronic music with these drops, which are instances where the musician makes a noise like two __3__ __4__. Have you heard of __5__? I really __6__ that guy. Last week __7__ asked me to a __8__ concert, so I __9__ went. When we arrived it was pretty obvious everyone was on __10__. There was a girl wearing a shiny __11__ that you could see under her light-up __12__. A guy with hair like a __13__ offered me some __14__, but when I saw his __15__ I was like, “no thanks, man.” So, during the concert this guy was doing this dance, it looked like he was trying to __16__ and __17__ at the same time. I had to __18__ him, because he looked like __19__.
1) Name 2) Adjective 3) Animal 4) Verb 5) Dubstep artist 6) Adjective 7) Name 8) Dubstep artist 9) Adjective 10) Drug 11) Clothing article 12) Clothing article
13) Clothing article 14) Noun 15) Body part 16) Dance move 17) Dance move 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Adjective 22) Adjective 23) Time
k o o L g n i r p S w e Get a N
class tim e
Later that night some girl __20__on the dance floor. Everyone around her jumped they were so __21__. Eventually the show ended and we all went home, but I had such a __22__ time I couldn’t fall asleep until __23__.
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