Fre e... like t AL he T Ce ige nt r's ral ti Cro cke wn t t . ot he
The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 12 4/4/12 - 4/11/12
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Your Easter Candy and You phil keller wrote this
Spring has sprung and Easter is upon us once again, folks. It’s the second biggest candy celebration of the year and everyone has their favorite seasonal treat. But before you go digging through that colorful plastic basket grass, be warned that your candy choice has implications that go far beyond a simple snack. It might say more about you than you think, so choose wisely. Marshmallow Peeps: Stretching the limitations of the word “food” since 1953, these brightly colored shapes of “ingestible” material refuse to disappear. If you love Peeps, you’re either so old that people can smell the stench of death on you or your childhood was completely devoid of any real joy. Why old people love ‘em is a no-brainer, Peeps remind them of a simpler time—a time when men were men, women were property, and candy tasted like shit. Taste is really inconsequential, though— because apparently, the senses, like erections, diminish greatly with age. If you want to spice up your Easter, give your Grandpa an actual chick and take bets on whether or not he takes a bite. Be forewarned, there are no winners in this game. And as if that weren't enough, these Peep pushers are now forging new shapes for every holiday. That's right, Peeps all year. Candy corn may suck, but at least it knows to stay the hell in October where it belongs. The Cadbury Egg: You're fat. Put the egg down and reevaluate your life. You are aware that there is an obesity epidemic, yes? Here's a riddle: What came first, the diabetes or the egg? If you've eaten more than a couple of these bad boys in a row, the answer is, they occur at the same time. Every year Jolly Old England ships these treats over in droves because, as scripture says, “people go bananas for fake eggs on Easter.” The Redcoats want us to be soft and unable to produce insulin the next time they come around, you say? Their wish just might come true. The Chocolate Rabbit: You're a sociopath. Do you realize how much this holiday revolves around pretending to eat fluffy little animals whole, like Jabba the Hutt? Never would one think to take a bite out of an innocent
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Inside
rabbit’s face before this creepy confection came along. Unless you're a big Saw fan, having that rabbit stare at you with its dead eyes and unsettling smile while you pick him apart piece by piece is kinda fucked up. Jellybeans: Jellybeans are something that all of us can enjoy (unless they’re a disgusting flavor). In fact, jellybeans are the common man’s Easter candy—they’re cheap, easily accessible, and come in a variety of flavors, like condoms and prostitutes. In fact, everything was going well in the world, for everyone, until the red-
Hop vs. The Passion of the Christ.
As it turns out, eating all kinds of Easter candy says something negative about you. Carrots, on the other hand, are good for your eyesight and also festive for the Easter holiday—so, get ‘em while they’re hot! If Easter candy is for fat Christians and sociopaths, you’ll find my mouth around a big, orange carrot this Sunday.
God is just a wee bit pissed. see page 10
see page 5
Battle of the Sub-Par Easter Movies
necks at Jelly Belly started experimenting with flavors like “buttered popcorn” and “licorice” and ruined Jesus’ resurrection; I mean Easter baskets, forever.
Jesus Ain't Too Happy
If this doesn't work, there's always a few hundred bucks and a sleazy hotel room.
see page 15
How to: Become "Internet Famous"
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The mental transformation a young man goes through the moment they officially join a fraternity. Though Doug had never liked the taste of beer, the second he joined Gamma Eta Beta he drank Keystone Light like water.
04
THe top ten
Twitter Accounts to Follow 10) @GhettoHikes: As the guy’s bio describes, he’s a 28-yearold dude whose full time job is leading urban youth on nature walks. And with gems like, “I'mma sneak one dem tadpoles in De'Shawn's ingredients bag, or whateva you call it… trail mixers," you can’t really afford not to follow this genius. 9) @WillieTheCanMan: “It's tuesdayboozeday throw ur cans to you-know-who day" is just an example of the brilliance behind Willie the Can Man’s Twitter account. Surprisingly, Willie is not the official owner of his own Twitter, but a redhead behind the madness makes sure to give a fair and accurate portrayal of the can man himself. 8) @MSUScottW: Let’s take a professional break and look at a Twitter account that is as entertaining as it is professional, but not in a strictly suit-and-tie kind of way. Scott Westerman is the “head servant” of the MSU Alumni Association, and his tweets consist of links to articles that relate to students and help them along their quest for jobs. Oh, look at me, talking professionally…Shit! Ass! Tits!
Pop-Popping That Workout Cherry justin gawel wrote this Much like losing your virginity, the first time you workout after a long hiatus is generally an awkward and short-lived episode. Both instances can be intimidating as well, because whether you’re going back to the gym filled with in-shape regulars, or just having sex with a more experienced partner, you can be sure that you’re going to hear the dreaded phrase of “you’re doing it wrong” at least once or twice. Nevertheless, we persist, and we live to squat-thrust more weights or squat-thrust into some stranger’s fuck-hole after a night a Rick’s. Now I’m not here to prepare you for a sexual encounter (hopefully you have the experience or have at least watched enough porn to know what you’re doing). The gym, however, is a different, possibly sweatier, story. Nevertheless, I have braved these lands and will serve as your spirit guide for this adventure.
posed to work out, but whatever, it’ll kill some time before your roommate is ready to leave so you can return to eating chips and queso in bed while catching up on Dance Moms. Approaching the machine, you remember to wipe it off because you don’t want to risk getting ringworm like that fugly chick from high school. Jesus Christ, that was funny as fuck, everyone made fun of that dirty girl for that, and come to think of it, that’s the only thing anyone can remember about her! So yes, you’ll take the two minutes to wipe off the machine, because two minutes is much shorter than a lifetime of ridicule about how filthy your skin and face are, or how poor your family is for not being able afford ringworm medication for six months.
"everyone here (except you) seems like the type who looks good when they're naked."
It will begin like any other day in your life. Cocoa Puffs, an emphatic emptying of your butt, some checking of Twitter, and then, out of nowhere, your roommate will pop the question, “Hey, wanna workout later? You told me all week that today would be a good day.” Oh fuck. Yup, you just kept putting it off and tiptoed around giving your roommate the confrontational, “No, I’m happy watching myself gain weight, and don’t want to ever go to the gym with you, you badgering honey badger, you.” Unfortunately, you’re way too lazy to start that feud and you suppose that you really can’t back out now on the two months of lies you have been feeding your roomie about your (fake) interest in going, so, begrudgingly, you grab your shorts and head out.
When you arrive at the gym, you realize that it’s even worse than you remember. Everyone here (except you) seems like the type who looks good when they’re naked. Fortunately, there is some machine away from the crowds in the shadows of the room. You aren’t sure how it works or what it’s sup-
The first set you do on the machine is agony. You literally feel like you might lose control of your bowels, bladder, and puke reflex all at once, which would make an awesome YouTube video, but would be horrible should it happen to you right now. Somehow, you manage to regain your composure and decide that this is too much weight. However, after examining the machine a bit closer, you realize that that’s the minimum amount of weight you can put on it. You scan the room for a small child or Frenchman to beat up to prove what strength you do have, but alas, there are no children or Frenchmen available to pummel. All right, you’ve had it, everyone can go to hell, the gym is stupid, and being in-shape is overrated. You find your roommate who says, “At least you tried it…” condescendingly between strides on the treadmill. Finally you grab the car keys and go wait out the rest of his workout in the car while you play Draw Something and eat the packets of condiments that you find in the seats. At least you found one thing you’re good at…
7) @MSU_squirrel: We love MSU squirrels here at The Black Sheep — after all, the ongoing gang war between red squirrels and black squirrels was one of our first big scoops. After discovering the MSU_Squirrel Twitter, I immediately scampered up a tree myself and spent the rest of the day looking through squirrel-tweets: “‘Are nuts a Carb?’ ‘...Yes....’ #meansquirrels” 6) @SpartanProblems: So many stupid #fillintheblankproblems, so little time. Problems like swampass in the library midMarch, or being late to an exam after reluctantly running for the CATA. No matter how many “Spartan problems” you may have, the ones on this account are guaranteed to make you feel better. 5) @Jesus: “No. I will not call you Rock God.” You don’t have to follow him in real life (because that could end up being a huge waste of time), but at least follow him on Twitter for some comic relief. Plain old religion, like the Wu-Tang Clan, ain’t nuttin’ to fuck wit. 4) @HipsterMermaid: There are so many things I love about this Twitter account. I don’t know who he is, where he comes from or how he comes up with this shit, but it’s like I’m reading every thought I ever thunked, in a wittier, more creative voice. A hipster’s voice. 3) @Msuinterns: Back to being professional… I know. But when I see updates like, “[Company] is looking for [my specific major] to do [something I know how to do, and do well]” on my feed, I can’t say I hate it. Plus, maybe I want to be a boring, mature grown-up who has a job, and drinks coffee, and wears a watch, and carries a briefcase, and takes vitamins and lies awake at night wondering, “if it could have all been different.” 2) @Theblacksheep99: Before we had our own individual Twitter account, we had to rely on this one. See that 99 at the end? It was there to make the account more legit as we tweeted our awesome articles that all of you read numerous times. Nowadays this account tweets every article from every chapter of The Black Sheep in America (plus interesting nuggets of information and totally not-lame ideas for infomercials). 1) @MSUBlackSheep: If you could only follow one Twitter account for the rest of your life, it should be this one. It’s informative, interesting, and will make you laugh so hard you poop your pants (according to our followers). Don’t blame us, though; blame your good taste in humor and poor sphincter control.
black betty wrote this
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The Battle of the Sub-Par Easter Movies:
Hop Vs. The Passion of the Christ Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this
09
From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!
If adults got Easter baskets, what would be in them? "Those mini liquor bottles, yo-yos, and an all-expense-paid trip to Cabo" - Sara, Senior
There are slim pickings when it comes to Easter movies. There’s It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown, but what kind of bullshit is this with a dog on Easter? Then there’s Hop and The Passion of the Christ— two movies that are like the soggy bread of a shit sandwich (with this year’s Easter jubilation being the shit, naturally). So, you’re sitting on your aunt’s dated couch amongst her Cracker Barrel décor, which is infused with pastels, oversized eggs, and that weird fake plastic grass stuff. When she saunters on over and demands that you choose between watching The Passion and Hop in her $1.99-decorated home, what are you going to do? Based purely on speculation and the skills I’ve acquired from analyzing the movie Speed in my obviously worthwhile Introduction to Film course, I will guide you in making this difficult decision. The plot of Hop: This animated film spins the tale (or should I say “tail”? Eh? Eh?) about E.B., the Easter Bunny’s rebellious teenage son. Instead of taking over the “family business,” E.B. wants to be a drummer in a rock n’ roll band. Genius. Like some half-witted, 16-yearold farm girl from Iowa who tries to become an actor but inevitably stars in porn, the rabbit runs away from home and heads to Hollywood to pursue his dream. It’s a children’s movie, so obviously hijinx ensues. Strangely enough, Russell Brand voices the adorable cartoon bunny. Yeah, like that’s realistic…but, I guess it is a movie featuring talking animals and the Easter Bunny, so why not stick to a theme: Stupidity. What I learned from the Hop trailer: James Marsden is still a panty-dropper, animation makes me uncomfortable, and this film is somewhat enjoyable while stoned.
“Chocolate, edible panties, condoms, edible body paint, and some Peeps.” - Mimi, Senior more like a broke-ass Charles Manson with that beard than he looks like the Son of God. Why hide his pretty face behind a homemade Gorilla Mask? All in all, The Passion of the Christ is little more than a major guilt trip. What I learned from The Passion of the Christ trailer: Nothing new. We’ve all heard it before; Jesus died for us and it was nasty, yadayadayada. I’m going to stop here before God casts me down to Hell, but you get the point.
"I guess you could say i prefer squeaky voices and cute animals over graphic human sacrifices, but hey, that's just me."
The pros of Hop: There’s an “evil” chick reminiscent of a young Fidel Castro and E.B. shits jellybeans on the hood of James Marsden’s car. Another plus—it doesn’t require your full attention.
The cons of Hop: It stars Russell Brand. He needs to quit acting and go back to his real talent: Shooting heroin. There’s also a cameo by David Hasselhoff, so, take that for what you will (certainly not as a positive). The plot of The Passion of the Christ: You thought church was bad, wait till you get a load of this uncomfortable, bloody mess directed by the modern day king of anti-Semites, Mel Gibson. Imagine watching Jesus’ last twelve hours in full-detail. Yeah, that seems like a movie we’d all want to see with our families. Jim Caviezel looks
The pros of The Passion of the Christ: It’s like a flashback to CCD classes where no one paid attention and ended up making fun of the dweebs who actually memorized verses from the Bible.
The cons of The Passion of the Christ: You’ll feel like a heathen, want to take a scorching hot shower to scrub away your “sins,” and become a born-again Christian. I’d say that’s pretty much a lose-lose situation. While neither of these movies are ones that I’d want on my own shelf, sometimes Easter presents you with things you don’t understand (like giant bunnies delivering candy and your aunt making you watch shitty movies), and you just have to bite the bullet. In this case, my proverbial poison has to be Hop—I guess you could say I prefer squeaky voices and cute animals over graphic human sacrifices, but hey, that’s just me.
“Tax returns and crucifixes.” - Rico, Senior
S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH
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How To: Ace An Interview
07
bailey walsh wrote this Are you a graduating senior with absolutely no career prospects upon graduation? Do your parents think you reek of failure? So much that they have no intentions of letting you move back home after college because they’re ashamed of how much of a loser you’ve become?
plethora of significant proceedings for Bananaz For Bananas’ newest (and largest to date) marketing campaign: Potassium is Sexy! In addition to being outstandingly lucrative in terms of ROI, the fruits of my labor also substantially ameliorated the company’s public image (as all of my endeavors do).
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, your journey to success is going to be a long one. There is good news, though— I have a doctorate in Baby Steps and I’m going to walk you through the steps of becoming an incredible interviewee.
Step Two: Dress to get undressed by their eyes. What’s the best way to sell something? Sex. We all know it; we’ve all succumbed to it; we’re all guilty. Why? Because it works—which is exactly why you need to dress in a way that would make your interviewer so distracted by their desire to undress you that they just hire you out of delusion.
And hey, once you make it past that, you’ll be sittin’ pretty in a certified pre-owned Toyota in no time, eating fine, aged cheese from Trader Joe’s and drinking organic milk by the gallon. Step One: Edit your résumé to make you sound as good as you wish you were. In today’s economy, companies are looking for applicants who have standout skills—because, unfortunately, your college diploma alone is about useful as a poop-ejaculating cock. And that’s what buttholes are for, people. In order to make your résumé more appealing to the masses, you’ll need to spice up your qualifications with a more professional vernacular: Event Coordinator, Bananaz For Bananas Contact: Ike Plantain 1-(800) BAN-ANAS This position has allowed me to work closely and adroitly on a
There is a catch, however; I don’t need any of you sluts reading the title and taking your shirts off all willy nilly. When I say “dress to undress,” it has its limits. Your dress to undress clothes should be business appropriate, but pencil skirts weren’t created with a slit for nothing. And, bros, don’t underestimate the power of a well-chosen tie. I once had a friend who let some stranger titty-bang her just because of the tie he was wearing. It was a Mickey Mouse tie. The point is, you can be fully dressed and still look like a sex hub if you wear the most important thing of all: Confidence. Walk into your interview with the swagger of Enrique Iglesias and you’ll walk out employed. Step Three: Become a farmer on the charm farm. Charm is an art form that requires you to use the smoothest moves your body can muster in order to become a master.
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Jesus Ain’t Too Happy
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Teddy Baum Cox wrote this
While some people see Easter as a time to pound down delicious chocolate eggs and frolic in the spring sun, we intellectuals see it as a time of reflection. Hallmark and cartoons have bombarded us with the idea that Easter is about fluffy bunnies shitting out magical eggs, but it’s actually about my homeboy and bf4e: Jesus H. Chrizzle. I’ve been talking to the big man recently and he’s told me that this is…not going to be the year for his return. In fact, he’s a little pissed at us for a few things… He kicked off our PG–13 conversation by directing his disapproval at Tim Tebow. For those of you who don’t know, Tebow is the most gun slinging-est, Bible quotingest, quarterback in the NFL. He was recently traded to the New York Jets from the Denver Broncos. Denver has a reputation of being a nice place full of wholesome hardworking Americans. New York, on the other hand, has a reputation of being a den of hedonism and sin, and the one pure soul in the NFL just got sent there. Tebow has never taken advantage of his fame and fortune to feed weird sex fantasies; in fact, he’s never had sex. Yup, totes a virgin, yet we sent him to a city that thrives on hookers and cocaine. Already not looking too good for 2012. As if that weren’t bad enough, America’s most beloved guidette, Snookie, is pregnant. I think I’m more capable of being a father than Snookie is of being a mother, and I’m a guy who had to publicly apologize for writing about whiskey dick. That cigarette-inhaling, booze-funneling chub of tan is actually going to bring another life into this
world? At what point can you determine a life is ruined before it’s even started? Maybe I’m being too hard on ol’ Snook, but the fact remains, when that baby comes out, it will be tanner then a sorority girl getting ready for spring break. Like you, I was feeling pretty dejected and hopeless at this point, but fortunately Jesus soon brought up the Republican presidential nomination race. Currently, our options are the always unflappable (because he’s huge) Newt Gingrich, who wants to build a base on the moon and break the world record for most marriages. Rick Santorum, whose last name means “that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex,” according to Urban Dictionary. Then there's, “I’m so old I might die running, but I’m going to run anyway” Ron Paul and “I just wanna win!” Mitt Romney. Romney is so rich that he could fly a plane to wherever Jesus is (probably Singapore), and personally bring him here. Not looking good. Not good at all. As much as it pains me to say it, readers, 2012 doesn’t look like the year we’re going to be reunited with Jesus. We have a lot of work to do. We have to start being nicer to each other by tolerating each other’s differences and truly working towards a greater world. Most importantly, however, we need to get that poop rag of a newspaper, The State News, shut down. I think after all this is done, we might be able to kick back with everyone, enjoy a collective beer, and as always, talk about how awesome it is to be a Spartan. Happy Easter.
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Bartender
of the
Week Nickname: J-Win or J-Dubs Major: Advertising Relationship Status: Taken Shot: Dirty Girl Scout Dare: Tokyo Tea- It's a premium Long Island without the sour or Coke How would your friends describe you?: Positive, happy, and nice.
Jess
ild wing's buffalo w
drinking game:
Would I find any embarrassing music on your iPod?: Yes, I definitely have some Spice Girls, Britney Spears, and Miley Cyrus on there.
Sex Master
People say, “What happens in so and so, stays in so and so.” People are idiots. What usually happens is that people do extremely dumb, slutty things thinking that no one will find out about it but eventually everybody does. We encourage you do those slutty things since we have no shame here at The Black Sheep, and we’re offering you this fantastic game for all you horny kids trying to get some. What you’ll need: Guys, girls, a pair of dice and some beer. It’s basically paradise! Level of Intoxication: You’ll get drunk with love as well as alcohol.
How to play: - Sit in a circle alternating boys and girls, everyone needs a beer or mixed drink. - Roll the dice and follow these rules: - Roll a 2: kiss anyone you want (if he/she is not willing then they have to down their drink). - 3: One shot or 10 seconds chugging a beer. - 4: Nothing, you’re safe. - 5: Beer bitch, you must get a beer for anyone who needs a beer and can be told by anyone at anytime to drink your beer until someone else rolls a five. - 6: Sex Master: You can choose someone to take off a piece of clothing and drink at any time (they’ll need it). - 7: Kiss the person to the right of you and the person to the left of you has to drink. - 8: Choose 2 people to share a drink and a kiss. - 9: Social, everyone drinks! - 10: Guys drink. - 11: Girls drink. - 12: Everyone drinks and takes off an item of clothing. The Game Ends When: People’s beer goggles cause them to think that their drinking pals are hotter than they actually are, causing the game to end and the orgy to begin.
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If you were going to be famous, what would you want to be famous for? Making a company a lot of money. What's your favorite karaoke song to sing? “Under Pressure.” What's your worst bad habit?: Biting my nails. What's the worst thing you did as a kid?: Sprayed perfume in my little sister's face. What do you think will be the biggest issue of the 2012 election?: Lies. If you could only use one condiment for the rest of
your life, what would it be?: Ranch. What's your favorite pickup line? : “Hey baby, do your legs hurt? Because you've been running through my mind all day.” It's the oldest one in the book. Have you ever used a fake name when talking to someone at a bar?: Yes, “Laura.” Turn-ons?: Smile, personality, and eyes. Turn-offs?: Being cocky, rude, or dirty. Shoutouts?: Shoutout to Nicole, Tom and Nate!
recipe for disaster:
Fluffernutter Cookies
You’re in college. You’re poor. Your diet consists of bread and the interchangeable mix of college delicacies like peanut butter, jelly, marshmallow fluff, or if you are really desperate, you stick old lunch meat in there and convince yourself it’s not that old. Well, brace yourselves and prepare to starve no more, because with almost the same ingredients, you can add dessert to your redundant meals. What You’ll Need: Creamy peanut butter, marshmallow cream (fluff), and an egg. Fatty Factor: Peanut butter has protein so… It’s kind of good for you? Cook time: 20 minutes. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. These cookies like it hot. - Mix one cup of peanut butter and an egg into a bowl. - Slowly mix in one cup of marshmallow cream until it looks like a mulatto child Mold your concoction into testicle-sized balls and put them on a cookie sheet and into the oven for 15 minutes. - Remove carefully and enjoy the hell out of it. With Easter on its way, these can make for a lovely little Easter treat after you’ve drank away every last memory of spending time with your family for the weekend.
The Movie Page wrath of the titans
Based on the Trailer
April 2012
In an impressive feat, this film manages to make Greek mythology boring and uncool.
Directed by
Jonathan Libesman
starring
Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson
GRADE D mike benson wrote this
Wrath of The Titans, the sequel to 2010’s Clash of The Titans, picks up a decade after the events depicted in the first film. Perseus (Sam Worthington), who to people unfamiliar with Greek mythology is the son of Zeus (Liam Neeson), has been living a quiet life as a fisherman following his slaying of the Kraken ten years earlier. This isn’t surprising in that last time I attempted to defeat a whole Kraken, I never felt like drinking or doing anything exciting ever again. Nevertheless, Perseus has no choice but to come out of retirement when Hades, Zeus’ brother, makes a pact with Kronos, the father of Zeus and Hades, betraying Zeus and causing Kronos and the Titans to break free from the Underworld and attack Earth. A major qualm I have with Wrath of The Titans, along with many other movies based on Greek mythology, is the ignoring of many Greek mythology staples. This new installment ignores many of the basic rules of those stories. There are several instances of gods being injured throughout the film. A major plot point of the film was based on the idea that Zeus was losing power. But isn’t it impossible for gods to be injured or lose power because
on dvd
they’re, you know, gods? Characters like Perseus and Hercules are interesting because they are demigods, meaning that they have god-like powers, but are still mortal. Gods like Zeus are supposed to act more like advice givers, with demigods being the heroes because there’s the possibility of death for them. This is what makes the story interesting. Another aspect of Greek mythology that movies often overlook, and which is one of the most interesting things about Greek mythology, is the unique characterizations of each god and deity. For instance, in almost every movie I have seen in which Zeus is shown, he is always depicted as stoic, noble, and wise. However, Greek mythology paints Zeus as a womanizing buffoon. In almost every story Zeus acts out of jealousy and rage, not noble dignity. And why wouldn’t he? He’s a god, meaning he can’t die, has unlimited power, and can get any Grecian babe he so desires. He’s like a divine fratstar. Film adaptations, Wrath of The Titans included, always ignore this. I think it would make these films much more interesting. It’s sad, actually. Borrowing from some of the oldest character archetypes in human
Other than the Greek mythology aspect, there’s nothing interesting about Wrath of The Titans. Both the acting and the characters are flat. The plot is fairly confusing and, as stated above, contradicts many Greek mythology archetypes. The special effects are above average, however, and the 3D is entertaining as usual. As is unavoidable with remakes, I can’t help but compare both Clash of The Titans (2010) and Wrath of The Titans with their predecessor, Clash of The Titans (1981). I always secretly judge people who laugh at the stop-motion animation in the original film. To me, that style of animation had a lot of soul to it, mostly for the fact that I have no idea how they did it, or how long it took. The special effects in Wrath of The Titans are unoriginal and soulless, no matter how sleek. In ten years the animation in Wrath of The Titans will be out of date, while the more hands-on style of animation in Clash of The Titans (1981) is still impressive, frightening, and captivating to this day. Unlike this movie.
It's all greek to us
Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Tara Reid What You Need to Know: All the boys from East Great Falls return for their high-school reunion. During one long-overdue weekend, they find out who's changed, who hasn't, and why they will always be BFFL. What We Think: It's basically like American Pie but slightly more grown-up, which means that at the very least it'll be entertaining. Though it probably won't live up to the originals, at least we can watch this and remind ourselves to live it up while we're still able to make mistakes and blame it on "being young."
The Three Stooges
april 13
Starring: Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, Sofia Vergara What You Need to Know: The Farrelly brothers are back, directing, writing and producing this remake of the famed comedy act The Three Stooges, set in modern time but with the same stupid slapstick bullshit. What We Think: Maybe The Three Stooges were more relatable back in the 30s or something, but we've got cat memes and Snooki to entertain us now. This movie just looks awful, and you know it's bad when they have a lead character resembling Jim Carrey but actually seems way more annoying. Looks like this movie is gonna suck the big one.
answers are a few from here
Chimpanzee
The Iron Lady The Darkest Hour Sleeping Beauty Into the Abyss
April 17 This 1995 Pygmalioninspired flick netted Mira Sorvino an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress.
april 6
history would actually make today’s filmmaking more original.
April 10
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol Shame IMAX: Born to Be Wild
American Reunion
Brad Pitt starred as Achilles in 2004’s Troy. What unfortunate incident befell him during filming?
To the nearest hundred, what is the body count in 300?
1997’s animated Disney movie Hercules saw which mythological creature defeated by the titular hero?
april 20
Starring: Oscar, an adorable baby chimp; narrated by Tim Allen What You Need to Know: This documentary tell us the story of Oscar, a baby chimpanzee. Showcasing his intelligence and incredibly adorable personality, we see how Oscar's chimp family gets down in the craziness that is the wild forest. What We Think: Thank you, Disney, for making a wonderfully beautiful (HD nature!) and entertaining (cute baby animals!) iMAX film just in time for 4/20, which is also Earth Day, you guys. Just try to keep the giggles to a minimum and grab some popcorn to cover up the stank, and you'll be fine next to all the families that are also watching this film.
the music page
the black sheep interviews:
Shpongle
You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Check them out during Summer Camp Music Festival in Chillicothe, IL, May 25-27th, or go online to twistedmusic. com/tours and find out when they’re at a venue near you. The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music? Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music. TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it? Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live a band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.
cd review
out now
of monsters and men my head is an animal Of Monsters and Men and Awesome Indie Rock Tunes.
GRADE B+
As far as common knowledge goes, there are a few things (pretty much) everyone knows about Iceland: Weirdo singer Bjork hails from there. Pitchfork-loved Sigur Ros is from there too. The last fun fact is that Greenland is actually the one covered in ice and Iceland is still cold, but not as icy cold. Boom! Knowledge bomb.
enthusiasm. With both abstract and somehow hauntingly familiar lyrics like “there’s an old voice in my head / that’s holding me back / well tell her that I miss our little talks,” it only seems right that if anyone can accurately describe how my weird self is feeling, it’s an honest Nordic.
While all three of those things may be confusing to a simple American, there is one Icelandic thing that makes total sense: Of Monsters and Men. Upon first listen, you wouldn’t think of them as a “foreign” band or something entirely unusual. They’re quintessential indie folk; they’re blending intense moments of serious passion into each track while also sounding beautiful and comforting.
My Head is an Animal flows on in with similar slightlysad notes, but doesn’t become too depressing. Tunes like “King and Lionheart” and “Your Bones” are both impressive songs that find that fine line between passion and depression without crossing it. “Numb Bears” is a nice little track that I particularly enjoy—more on the upbeat, light-hearted side and a refreshing change. Plus, I love the way “numb bears” sounds when spoken aloud.
These guys had been making music separately for many years until they came together in 2010 to enter (wait for it!) Músíktilraunir (Icelandic Idol if you will), but surely much cooler – and won the darn thing. They became a hit in Iceland, and got signed to a major record label where they released My Head is an Animal in the US, out now. The entire album has that epic, orchestral feel to it— like you’re listening to something real and important. Reminiscent of Beirut (but less circusy) and Florence + The Machine, Of Monsters and Men is solid emotional indie rock that translates to American ears. Their first single is “Little Talks,” a fast paced number with true
Now, if these Europeans don’t get crushed by American fame they’ll have a chance to stick around for awhile on this side of the pond. Hopefully they can stay humble, continue to make awesome music, and become the first entity synonymous with Iceland that makes some sense. Sounds Like: Unbeknownst Nordic-European melancholy indie rock. Download: Little Talks, Numb Bears, Your Bones Listen to it When: It’s raining, and you’re not sad, but that springtime rain, man, it gets ya down.
TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images) and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about? Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd. TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’ Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect. TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind? Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment. So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain. TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props? Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter. TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level? Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though! TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice? Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.
UPCOMING RELEASES Rascal Flatts - Changed Wilson Phillips - Dedicated
Dr. John - Locked Down Marvin Sapp - I Win
High on Fire - De Vermis Mysteriis SHINee - Sherlock
MxPx - Plans Within Plans Obie Trice - Bottoms Up
class tim e
six degrees of separation
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Do you know how Daniel Day Lewis and Michael Cera are connected? Email us at sixdegrees@ theblacksheeponline.com and let us know. If you’re right, you may just get a sweet ass prize.
?
? ?
Trivia Answers: 1) Mighty Aphrodite 2) He tore his Achilles tendon. 3) 585 (or, 600) 4) The Hydra
Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh
Advertising ManagerS Anthony Dostal Andrew Meggert Andrew Schireson Contributing Writers Alex Everard Cristina Toscano Justin Gawel Andrew Fleming Cody Manthei Frank Sorise Samantha Shaughnessy Ziev Beresh photographer Jackie Cash
Distribution Bailey Walsh Annalise Stromsta pr team Chris Amrich
campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?
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How to: Become “Internet Famous” ziev beresh wrote this
Becoming an internet celebrity has its benefits. Just look at Tila Tequila. Web celebs achieve fame, notoriety, and millions of hits faster than you can say, “That sucked,” and with significantly less effort. A thousand years from now internet archaeologists will dig up the computer servers holding these ungainly icons, shake their heads, and declare that the answer to eternal life was held by a spiky-haired bro from New Jersey. “Jaegah-bahmbs? I fuckin’ shower in that shit.” If you’d like to go from a virtual nobody to a cyber-god, you’ll need a few pointers.
ittt. Hold it down! Swallow. Swalllllow. Agh!All over the camera. You cock.
Step One: Decide if you’re going to get famous the easy way or the hard way. Yeah, your decision’s been made, so I’ll just tell you that the hard way involves dedication, patience, and a whole lot of effort with very little chance of success. “Ick!,” I know. Easy way: You make a complete fool of yourself and get a book deal out of it.
Step Five: Get promoted. As in life, on the web you have to be really loud and obnoxious if you want to get noticed. If you can get other people to be loud and obnoxious for you, that’s even better (Ron Paul). So get ready to interact with any new potential fans by posting your groundbreaking video on Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube. Write in CAPS LOCK so that you’re noticed and shared.
Step Two: Select what sort of fame you’d like. Are people going to love-hate you, like “Peanut Butter Jelly Time,” or hate-love you, like Rebecca Black? Are you going to sing? Dance? Bite your older baby brother? The answer to all of these is “no.” They’ve already been done. You’re going to be the first person to successfully down a spoon of cinnamon. Step Three: Record yourself looking dumb. You’ll need a camera, or a phone if you want to have that grainy, “Evolution of Dance” look to your video. Make sure camera angles, lighting, and all that are set up in a visually inviting way. Good enough. Now eat the cinnamon. Eaaat
Step Four: Upload your shenanigans. If you don’t get any nasty comments, you’re doing something wrong. Part of being internet famous is receiving lots and lots of hate. Lots of it. If crickets are chirping beneath your video, better fly in some crickets to tell you that “this is not a hard challange at all u guyz r just retarted 4 eating cinnamin.” This leads us to step five.
By now, millions of bored dudes in cubicles will have forwarded you across the country. Not to mention your popularity in Japan. It’s time to cash in on your success. You’re a star on the web, so why not shine in real life too? We’re talking public speaking gigs, talk shows, concerts— you name it. As every popular internet meme does, you’ll eventually publish a book, get sold at Urban Outfitters and start making real money. Your celebrity status just goes to show that we really can be anything we want. Looks like your parents were actually right about something. LOL.
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