The Black Sheep
Fre e. wi ..like th th you e be r t er ax yo ret u bo urn ugh s. t
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 14 4/18/12 - 4/25/12
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How To: Smoke in the Dorms Cody Manthei wrote this
4/20: A day and time for people to get together and do what matters most: hydrate, and smoke a lot of weed. But there’s more to this holiday than eye irritation. The urge to play ultimate Frisbee, eat at McDonalds, and fall asleep pantsless in the grass somewhere is essentially uncontrollable. But if you live in the dorms, smoking pot on 4/20 may be a little risky. Like, “get busted and lose your financial aid” risky. But don’t fret; I’m here to tell you how to blaze from the comfort of your very own loftable furniture— without getting caught. The first thing you should do is size up your RA. After almost a year of living on the floor, I’m sure you’ve figured out whether your mentor is a douche, a pushover, or invisible. But even if you think you’re tight with them, figure out their stance on the ganj to make sure you can get away with sparking a jay in your living quarters. If you know that they’re okay with it, perhaps because you smoke with them on occasion, then feel free to say, “Fuck it!” and build a gravity bong in the hallway. If you’re not one of the lucky ones with a cool mentor, you’ll have to adjust those bong blueprints to fit a room. When looking for a room, find one with a good draft. The breeziest rooms are located at the end of any hallway. If neither you nor any of your friends live in one of these rooms, break into your neighbor’s place, smoke them out, and use that room instead. Once inside, don’t make the common mistake of putting a towel down at the base of the door. Leave the crack open so a draft from the hallway shoots through and out the open windows. A towel poking out from under the door is a dead giveaway. If you have to block it with something, use a yoga mat. “Should I use a fan too?” you might ask. First off, fuck you for interrupting me. Second, yes. Use a fan, and put some dryer sheets on the back of it to get your room smelling springtime-fresh. Placement is crucial. Put the fan smack-dab in the center of your room and face it towards the window. That way, the smoke won’t have the chance to be a dick and overstay its welcome.
Other stuff
Inside
The final step is the most important. Before you start smoking in your room, stink up the whole hallway. The only way to be sure your room isn’t singled out is to give the illusion that everyone in the entire dorm is smoking (Editor’s note: “Illusion”?) Light a blunt and carry it up and down your hall like a torch until the place smells like Snoop Dogg’s drug dealer’s Escalade. How useful are your drug dogs now, Mr. Policeman? After you got the place a-stankin’, you’re clear to take as many hits as you
hey, at least we're being honest. see page 4
desire. All 420 of them. Now that you’re equipped with the knowledge to smoke in your room, why stop there? Get a little creative and christen the community bathroom, hot box the elevator, bake special brownies in the floor kitchen or even hit the bong in the study lounge. Let’s get real; the nerds studying on 4/20 could use a little help relaxing…how lucky they are that you’re around. Enjoy your day, stoners!
oh neat, you're at applebee's again? see page 7
What We Really Mean in a Cover Letter "Photographers" on Instragram
and we all know "detroit" really means "the suburbs."
see page 10
Who You Are, Where You're From
page three
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Definition: Any empty promise made by a man specifically so he can sleep with a woman. “I’ll remember your name in the morning,” is a common brosure on college campuses.
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THe top ten Things To Do On 4/20 In East Lansing When You’re Stoned We’re tired of the lazy stoner stigma. Anyone can enjoy napping on the couch. Only the truly chiefed can enjoy these high-lariously half-baked ideas. 10) Watch the live-feed of the Beaumont Tower’s streaming camera: On your laptop, while you’re picking up Wi-Fi, as you’re sitting outside of the Beaumont Tower. Watching yourself watch yourself is a staple of every stoner Spartan student. The bells will never ring clearer. 9) Feed the wildlife: We know, “you’re not supposed to feed the wildlife,” but it’s 4/20 and you’ve already broken one law (at least), so what’s one more? The ducks could starve and die without your help. 8) Go to the Multicultural Center of the Union: And figure out why they call it the Multicultural Center. It has a lot of tables with pictures of white people on the walls, a bowling alley, a computer lab, and a barbershop. I guess it’s diverse in its …services?
What We All Really Mean in a Cover Letter Stan Sitwell wrote this To Whom it May Concern: Please accept this letter as an application for Menards financial accountant job opening at the corporate office. I am currently a senior at Michigan State University and will be graduating in May. With that in mind, I believe I could fill this position for your company for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I like money. I like the smell, I like the texture, and I like the fact that there’s a story behind every dollar bill. My daddy always used to tell me that there was a 50/50 chance a stripper has picked up the dollar bill in my wallet using only her sheer talent and frontal labia. He was a wise man and the source of all my own wise-ness. Wiseities? Secondly, I have a valuable set of business skills. Although I don’t have any professional experience, per se, I have acquired the know-how it takes to handle transactions and run a business. As you can see on my resume, I have been selling Adderall since my junior year of high school. Moving out of my hometown and into East Lansing was a tough transition for the business, but through careful networking and social media, my number of clientele has grown and continues to flourish. In addition to my skills, I am highly motivated. After copious amounts of caffeine, Red Bull, and a few pharms, I am ready, energized and able to retain the minimal amount of focus needed for any task. It may not seem like I’m paying attention at the time, but spinning around in my office’s whirly chair while grinding my teeth means that my brain is actually racing a mile a minute, and thus, producing some extremely brilliant thoughts. And that’s just when I’ll come up with the next great idea that will make your company millions, if not zillions of those sweet, sweet, dollars. My other talents include: • Ability to deliver a seemingly sincere apology when actually not sorry in the slightest.
• Time management: My day generally revolves around naps and television shows, so I am able to plan my time wisely around my needs, or in this case, the company’s needs. • Adeptness in constructing (and picking apart, when necessary) a mastered web of lies, which brings me to my next skill set… • Swift creativity: I can come up with a number of excuses to get anyone, including Menards, out of any foreseeable lawsuit. • My powers of persuasion: When it comes to water cooler gossip, people generally believe my carefully-spun rumors (especially the ones about dumpster babies). • Excellent dancer. You may ask where I see myself in five years. Well, I see myself running the company, naturally. I fully intend to sleep and finger-blast my way to the top and have you all eating out of the palm of said sex-prodding hand. When it comes to workplace politics and establishing my spot on top of the office hierarchy, I tolerate nothing if it comes between my dreams and myself. I think what sets me apart from other applicants is my “never say die” attitude; I keep on trucking, like America, and am persistent even when wrong, like America. If I feel I have something important to say, I will make my voice heard, even if that means interrupting you or my fellow employees to get my point across— whether it’s my lunch order or pointing out a secretary’s flaws that everyone else has seemed to miss, you’re going to hear it. Unfortunately I don’t really like to read, it’s not my forte. Please feel free to reach me on my cell phone (866-321-5541) or message me on AIM (H8tersBHatin). Sincerely, Stan Sitwell
7) Eat a dub: If a Spartan alum were on death row and extremely inebriated right before execution, their last meal would certainly include a dub from Menna’s Joint. They’re just to die for when you’re not in a normal frame of mind. 6) Walk through any of the newly constructed buildings: If you were a deprived child like me who didn’t get Dunkaroos and trips to NASA’s Space Center, you can fulfill your childhood dreams of seeing a space center simply by walking by any of MSU’s newly constructed/re-constructed buildings (see: the inside of Holden Hall, the outside of Brody Hall, and of course, the Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum). 5) Learn how to long board: It’s totally the most radical thing you can do right now. Guys are doing it, girls are doing it. Girls are doing it worse, generally, but they’re doing it. It’s your time to learn. 4) Go to the Christian Science Reading Room: How many times have you walked by this place and wondered what it was like inside? If there’s ever been a golden opportunity at your fingertips, it’s this. Blaze, go to the CSRR, check out a couple books, and enlighten (entertain) yourself until you reach a higher level of thinking. 3) Test all of the Green Light emergency phones around campus: Apparently, many of these potentially life-saving devices remain out of order. But what if a creeper creeps too close and nobody comes when you hit that green button? By going around and hitting all the buttons to make sure they work, you’re making the community a safer place. Good work. 2) Smoke in the teepee behind Holmes Hall: Out of respect for the scholarly men and/or women who built this beautiful, yet pragmatic smoking teepee, it is your duty, as a Spartan, to blaze in it on this special holiday. 1) People-watch on Grand River: East Lansing is chock full of weirdos. Unfortunately, though, sometimes we’re too busy to appreciate (make fun of) them with the hustle and bustle of classes, work, etc. everyday. But if the weather stays nice, 4/20 provides the perfect opportunity for you to alter your state of mind, proceed to make wild assumptions about random strangers walking by, and ultimately go home feeling better about your own shitty life.
Bailey walsh wrote this
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Possible Jobs for other Republicans in a Mitt Romney White House alex everard wrote this Now that Mitt Romney has sewn up the GOP nomination for President, this race’s narrative has shifted from “Crazy-Caliente” to “MormonMild.” All of America is left thinking, “Ugh, now I have to watch this guy say shit like, ‘I like trees’ and ‘your lakes are so blue’ on TV until November? Jesus, I just want muthafuckas talking about moon colonies!” Well, don’t worry, America, I’m here for you. Since Mitt is totes going to win (Obama blew it by not hanging a mummified Osama from the New Year’s Eve 2012 ball), he’s going to need to find some jobs for all of these disgruntled candidates, and with their records on gun control, who knows what could happen? Here are the positions these loonies might occupy. Rick Santorum: I know it’s tough, Rick. Ya came in second, but what did you expect, kid? All you had to do was not say stuff like, “higher education is for snobs” and “gay people don’t even like steak.” Okay, I don’t know if you said those actual words, but either way, you set yourself up to be a great Vice President. AKA, a failure. You’re as fundamental(ly stupid) as Sarah Palin, but slightly less so since you’re aware of Russia’s actual geographical location. Don’t worry; you’ll get some wins in the Deep South. Just keep bashing gays and pretending like your name isn’t forever tainted by the internet. Newt Gingrich: The perfect job for Newt? Secretary of Moon-State U.S.A., obviously. He’s got the plan for a moon colony all worked out, Mitt just has to spring the fifty million bucks (the equivalent of a trip to Sam’s Club for the Romneys) or whatever it costs to colonize the moon, then he can send Newt up there with four of his Mormon wives. Given Gingrich’s health and cholesterol levels, he’ll probably only live about two months in the low gravity environment anyway, as golf-ball sized pieces of trans fat float upwards into his aorta and clog that moonloving heart of his.
Ron Paul: This is tough, considering that Paul doesn’t really agree with many of the GOP’s platforms. He may also die before the actual election. Ron Paul can just sit
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If you could burn something other than coal for energy, what would it be? "Hawaiian shirts." - Mike, Junior
"Hipsters."
- Colleen, Sophomore
on the porch of the White House and yell at people as they take tours. He’ll say charming things like: “If you think those jellybeans taste sweet, just wait until the apocalypse!” This will secure the largest demographic of Republican voters: People who are old as fuck. Herman Cain: Think we’d forget about Herman “Mufuggin’” Cain? Hell no! Herman Cain will be the first President of The National Council on Pizza and Titties! He’ll co-chair this committee with Gingrich, or the Hanson Windows guy, depending on how long Gingrich lives. Whoever shares the spot with Cain, it’s sure to be the most American goddamn thing you’ve ever seen.
"herman cain will be the first president of the national council on pizza and titties! it's sure to be the most american goddamn thing you've ever seen."
Michele Bachmann: Bachmann was quoted saying that abolishing the minimum wage would create jobs…uh, yeah. Okay, Michele, how about this: You get to be the real first lady! Yes, Mitt already has a wife, but that’s the beauty of being Mormon! You can just show up, wink that Willy Wonky-eye at people, and make a few commercials explaining how The Lion King is gay propaganda or something. Don’t worry; we’ll work out the kinks.
From 'da Streets
I ask you, citizens of America, is this a future you can say, “yes” to? More accurately, is it something you can really say anything but, “what the fuck?” to? Exactly. Rather than a vote for responsible spending, foreign diplomacy or gay rights, a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for more first ladies in the White House, possible James Bond-ass shit on the moon, respecting your elders, and most importantly: pizza! Priorities people. Gay people won’t mind as long as there’s more pizza. Everybody loves pizza, so vote for the Pizza Party this coming election season.
"Thongs."
- Ariel, Freshman
S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH
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A Judgmental Look at the “Photographers” Who Use Instagram black betty wrote this There are two kinds of people in the world—people who use Instagram and people who don’t. That about sums it up. Within the category of Instagrammers, there are many pretentious, conceited, and dumber sub-categories of people who utilize this self-indulgent service. A picture with a magical filter over it may be worth a thousand words, but Instagram has yet to develop a filter that would make me actually give a shit about one of them. And now that the company has sold its billion dollar soul to the devil that is Facebook (C.R.E.A.M. get the money), you can expect to see these categories of chuckle-heads cluttering up the trash heap that is your News Feed much more frequently. Hipsters: Go ahead, drop a knowledge bomb from the photography seminar you attended (that was one afternoon) to get perfect lighting, angles, and focus to take a (supposedly) artistic snapshot of a dog licking its own sack. We fully expect you to blather on with comments about the picture for weeks as you not so subtly pepper in buzzwords like “exposure,” “b-setting,” and “Annie Leibovitz.” Romantic Lovers: Alright, we get it. You think that if you upload enough photographs of handholding or watching sunsets, everyone will think of your relationship as the greatest love story ever told. But don’t you see? It doesn’t matter how many “precious” pictures you upload, it still can’t bury the fact that she’s fucking his best friend, that he’s addicted to painkillers, or that they both hired a guy to murder her mom for the life insurance money. Food-tographers: Without a doubt, these people are one of the most common (and annoying) types of picture-takers in the Instagram world. Nobody cares about what you’re eating at a restaurant or what you made at home. Furthermore, no one cares about the obscure bottle of wine that you’ve paired with it. The only result of posting photogenic food is earning extra credit in the smug asshole/Bono universe. In reality,the only thing these pictures provide is food for obese people and wine aficionados to rub their meat to. Vacationers: Although common before the dawn of Instashit, vacationers who photograph the islands or skyscrapers they’re so cool to be seeing are even more annoying now. They just love to show off with that goddamn “Sutro” filter that makes you feel even shittier about never leaving the Midwest. Whatever. I hope that you get taken on vacation. And that Liam Neeson doesn’t
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come save you. Attention Whores: Why, it’s a picture of you in a bikini when the temperature is just over sixty degrees! How original, you clever betch! For starters, I already knew what you looked like naked from the Halloween album, and second, the blurred out filter isn’t very effective at hiding the hickey on your left tit, that weird mole on your face,or that “beauty mark” that has an uncanny resemblance to a very particular symbol from 1940s Germany. All of this adds up to an immediate unfollow. iPhone Newbies: Great, you’ve figured out how to work the camera on your iPhone and subsequently filled your computer’s hard drive with nothing but pictures of puppies sleeping on fuzzy blankets. At least your pictures capture how truly mundane your life is. As for the actual photographers who only shoot film, digital SLRs, underwater disposables, or the fisheye cameras from Urban Outfitters that Instagram tries to imitate, keep doing what you’re doing. Keep fighting the good fight. Snap.
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The Bar Grid
January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.
THURSDAY: 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! SUNDAY: Half Off All Drinks, $3.00 Bloody Marys $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Daily Specials: After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors $3.00 Mimosas 31 1 2 Monday 9pm-Close DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - PintsLight, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.00 Draft Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and TuesdayKamikazes! 9pm-Close $8.00 Burger and Draft Pint $3.50 Long Islands 6 7 8 9
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2.00 – Well Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! $3.00 – Well Drinks Half Off All Drinks, Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day Light, Rolling $3.00 –Bloody Mary & MimosasRock Bottles $3.00 – Pints $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint$3.50 Long Kamikazes! Islands Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day
$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles
WED, 4/18
1/2 Off Almost Everything DJ Juan Trevino
$3.50 Draft Pints $3.50 Little Black Dress Vodkas $3.00 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D
THURS, 4/19
SAT: TRIPLE LINDY EARTH DAY SHOW! No Cover - Melting Faces at 9PM $6 Mini Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Off All Beers $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs $3 Soco Limes $ Washington Apples $3.50 23oz. Shock Top Beer $2.50 23 oz. Spartan Beers
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!
1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!
Tigers vs. Royals 1PM
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
BURGERAMA! 3pm-9pm BURGERS $1.50
Tigers vs. Rangers 7PM
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour FREE TACO BAR $3 Corona, Sol, Land Shark Bottles $2 Rolling Rock Bottles $4 Loaded Land Shark Bottles $4 Dirty Corona Bottles $3 Shot Of Well Tequila & SoCo Limes $6 Margarita/Daiquiri Mini Pitchers
Friday Fish Fry $7.50 All you can eat fish fry!
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D
TRIPLE LINDY EARTH DAY SHOW! No Cover - Melting Faces at 9PM $6 Mini Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Off All Beers $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs $3 Soco Limes $ Washington Apples $3.50 23oz. Shock Top Beer $2.50 23 oz. Spartan Beers
Take a break and come in!
SUN, 4/22
At home watching Game of Thrones...
$3.00 Bloody Marys $3.00 Mimosas $3.00 Draft Pints $8.00 Burger and Draft Pint
Sunday All Day $1 Off All Kraft Beers $3 23 oz Domestic Drafts Tigers vs. Rangers 1PM Wings vs. Predators 1PM
6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75
MON, 4/23
$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers
$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am: $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
Half-off all food, ALL DAY
TUES, 4/24
$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands
$2.50 Call Liquor $2.50 Draft Pints DJ Juan Trevino
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4.99 Burger Combo! 8pm – 2am: $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
Taco Tuesday Taco Trio with drink purchase, ALL DAY!
WED, 4/25
$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles
1/2 Off Almost Everything DJ Juan Trevino
4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze
1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!
4 - 7PM: 1/2 Off All Drinks All you can eat nachos! ½ Off –After Potato Skins 7PM: $3 Jack Daniels, Hush Puppies Onion Rings All&Pints and Drafts, SoCo Lime, and Kamikazes
FRI, 4/20
$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light For More Information Contact Us: $3.50 Well Liquor (517) 3512222 www.dublinsquare.net DJ Beats Or Text: “Dublin Square” to 839863 for specials & updates.
*Ladies Night~ Every Thursday!
SAT, 4/21
$3.50 Captain & Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles
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The Bar Grid TUESDAY: 1/2 OFF NIGHT! LIVE BANDS AND ELECTRONIC DJ'S
FRIDAY: Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers
HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts
Great Specials All Day, All Night, Every Day, Every Night!
SPECIAL NIGHT
18+ Night! DJ SouthPaw and Special Guests New Menu!
$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Royals 1PM
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 4/18
3-8pm: BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5! NEW! 2 dart boards, 2 arcades, 2 pool tables, new menu & new hours 8-Close: LADIES NIGHT $3 u call it's, express entry & no cover 4 ladies
$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent Boneless Wings Tigers vs. Rangers 7PM
Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers
$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads
THUR, 4/19
Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Rangers 7PM Wings vs. Predators 8PM
TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 4/20 SAT, 4/21
Fish Fry Fridays 6-close
Perch n totts basket + Pitcher = $5!
Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men) $3 Double Wells, $2 Cans $3 Long Islands
Beer Fest! $1 PINTS 3-12am + $3.50 Pitchers 12-close All day! BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5 Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men)
Come Try East Lansing's Best Olive Burger
Come Watch Tigers vs. Rangers at 1PM!
$2 Pints $3 Calls
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
NEW HOURS, NEW DART BOARDS, NEW POOL TABLES, NEW ARCADE GAMES & NEW MENU
$2.50 Bottles of Labatt Blue, Labatt Blue Light, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian AND FREE PARKING!
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Rangers 1PM Wings vs. Predators 1PM
SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close
$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 4/22
NEW HOURS, NEW DART BOARDS, NEW POOL TABLES, NEW ARCADE GAMES & NEW MENU
$2.50 Bottles of Miller Lite and Miller Genuine Draft $2.75 Shots of Jack Daniels
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings
$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 4/23
1/2 OFF NIGHT! LIVE BANDS AND ELECTRONIC DJ'S
$2.75 24oz Drafts of Labatt Blue, and Miller Light $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guinness
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Tigers vs. Mariners 7PM
Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 4/24
18+ Night! DJ SouthPaw and Special Guests New Menu!
$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Mariners 7PM
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 4/25
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The Easy and Fun Corner: Stereotyping Based on Student’s Hometowns justin gawel wrote this My god, relying on stereotypes is so much easier than actually meeting people. Why would I ever want to talk to someone when a caricature about their race, religion, or origin can tell me everything I’d ever want to know? Talk about convenience!
flattened hide. Your refusal to use protection when sexing is not out of apathy or “because it totally feels way better,” but is due to your high school friends back home already having kids, and you feeling like you should catch up. Also, your favorite type of fishing rod is a handgun.
Canada: Your many stories revolving around maple syrup bore even the most impassioned pancake enthusiasts to death. Furthermore, no one can stand it when you prattle on about the metric system, curling, or socialism…but everyone does find it disturbing when you refer to black people as “exotic.”
Detroit Suburbs: When you meet new people you always introduce yourself as being from “Detroit” because it sounds more ‘gangsta’ than saying Grosse Pointe, Novi, or Livonia. In four years of college, you still haven’t figured out how to cook or do laundry since you just go home when you need food or clean clothes, provided it isn’t during a weekend your parents are busy cheating on each other.
Ohio: You claim that you were one of the smartest kids in high school, yet it surprises no one when you sprint into a screen door after running from the smoldering, full (and still sealed) can of soup you tried to microwave. Yup, that’s right, you’re from Ohio; the state better known as, “Michigan’s Daft Little Cousin.” “Daft” is used because it’s fun to make Ohioans look up 4-letter words in the dictionary. East Coast: Everyone assumes that you came straight off the Jersey Shore or that you’re just rich and Jewish. Rather than try to fix people’s incorrect notions about you, it’s much easier to make up stories about dad beating mom after he gambled away his paycheck, or about how awesome your Men In Black-themed Bar Mitzvah was, respectively. Upper Peninsula: People began to suspect that you were from up north the day you ran over that squirrel. You seemed very serene while you fashioned a wallet out of its
Illinois: You didn’t want to go to a big school in Illinois because you didn’t want all those kids you went to high school to continue identifying you as a loser. Despite your best attempts to “re-establish” yourself, it’ll probably only take a year or two at State before all of your “friends” here recognize that you’re just a wiener from a state that has exclusively elected corrupt governors and mayors for the last twenty years. (Illinois Native Editor’s Note: EVERYONE IS FIRED.) The West: You probably confuse people by being at State in the first place, and you spend most of your time talking about Tibet, hanging out at Moosejaw, or wearing hoodies made out of drugs and string. Also, despite your family’s apparent wealth, you generally smell like compost and highlighted Al Gore literature.
The American South: Your pro-country music, pro-NASCAR, and pro-slavery beliefs give people the impression that you are simply from Adrian, Michigan. However, your accent and proclivity for Confederate flags will help distinguish you from those rubes in Mid-Michigan, right? Oh wait, no, it won’t. The real distinguishing factor will be around the end of September when the temperature drops below fifty and you start bitching constantly about how you don’t have as much body hair as the average Michigander. Now that you’ve taken a crash course in stereotypes, you’ll never be short on conversation the next time you’re at a cocktail party with Michael Richards or Mel Gibson. If anything, there are now many more groups of people that you no longer have to learn anything about. Efficient.
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Bartender
of the
Week Age: 21
If you could have a pool filled with anything, what would you put in it?: Liquor
Major: Marketing Relationship Status: Taken
If your life was a porno, what would it be called?: Zach’s Palace of Love
Shot: Purple Gatorade Dare: Prairie Fire
What is the last lie you told?: Probably the cost of a drink.
What are your best qualities?: My personality.
Do you have any hidden talents?: I actually have no talents.
What is your worst habit?: Smoking
Zachharpers
Get All Dazed and Confused Watching "Dazed and Confused"!
In the spirit of 4/20 (and we know you all will be in good spirits), this week’s drinking game is dedicated to getting CRUNK. What you’ll need: Dazed & Confused DVD, the company of Mary-Jane, and, of course, booze. Players: As many as you want. Just check to make sure none of them are undercover. Level of Intoxication: Dazed and confused doesn’t even begin to describe the level you’ll be at. Still Standing? Continue to Level 2, champ!: -Take a hit and a drink every time the following happens -Anybody makes out with anybody. -Mitch is shown drinking or smoking a joint. -A mailbox is broken. -Wooderson says the phrase "All right.” -Someone rips a bong. -Someone shotguns a beer.
The Game Ends When: The movie’s over. If you’re still conscious at this point, we’ll buy you Chipotle, maybe even ask for your autograph.
Thirsty for More?
Turn-offs?: Bad Teeth
What has been your most embarrassing moment since college?: Falling asleep at the bar.
drinking game:
How to Play: -Take one drink every time the following happens during the movie -Slater smokes a joint. -Mitch grabs his nose while talking. -A freshman gets paddled. -Anytime the word "party" is mentioned. -The Emporium is shown. -Anybody is shown driving around. -Every time O'Bannion's flunking senior year is mentioned.
Turn-ons?: Asses
What reality TV show would you compete on?: The Real World
theblacksheeponline.com
Shout-outs!: Shout out to the Harper’s crew!
recipe for disaster:
Baked POTatoes
T’was the night of 4/20, and all through the land, A crazy trip was what everyone had planned, We’ll give you this recipe for a sweet treat, But you’ll have to use your imagination, since we must be discreet… What You’ll Need: A potato, cannabutter, potato toppings of your liking (cheese, bacon bits, sour cream... go crazy with it!). Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: Not too shabby, depending on how wild you get with your toppings. Let’s Get Baked (...but actually though): - Poke holes into your POTato with a fork and bake at 350F for 30 minutes. - Cut the top off of your POTato and scoop out the insides, forming a bowl. - Mix your BUDder and ingredients with the insides until semi-smooth but still a bit chunky. - Stuff your POTato back up and cook in the oven for 5 more minutes. - Enjoy the ride! Enjoy these POTatoes for your munchie pleasures, Give it a half hour and you’ll discover their hidden treasures, If they don’t suffice, make another and don’t be shy, Merry 4/20 to all, and to all a good high.
The Movie Page cabin in the woods
Based on the Trailer
April/May 2012
The hardest you will ever laugh whilst sitting in fear. Directed by
Drew Goddard
starring
Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth
GRADE B+ mike benson wrote this Five college students decide to take a trip to an empty cabin deep in the woods armed with nothing but drugs and bad dialogue. They stop for gas and meet an old attendant who warns them about the old cabin. Ignoring him, the group heads to the cabin anyway. Unbeknownst to them, they are being watched by mysterious workers who are undertaking a massive secret operation, one which apparently is taking place all over the world. In the basement they find mysterious objects, including a mystical orb and an old diary. One of the students reads from the diary which causes zombies to rise from the grave and attack two teenagers having sex in the woods. The rest of the group then strives for survival as the technicians and zombies attempt to end their lives. This is the plot of Cabin in the Woods, and it’s hilarious. This film employs...Every. Single. Horror cliche. Ever. There’s the bad acting, the deserted cabin, the leader who suggests they all split up, the stoner who’s constantly getting high throughout the action, the dumb blonde, and the sassy brunette/redhead. There are trapdoors, cursed artifacts, teenagers getting killed while having sex in the woods, unnecessary
on dvd
explosions, and ridiculous deus ex machinas. It includes aspects of slasher, zombiesurvival, psychological thriller, supernatural, and conspiracy horror film genres, all while subsequently making fun of such genre tropes in the process. The most ironic thing about Cabin in the Woods is the way that, while it attempts to parody the horror genre and all of its lazy cliches in the fashion of films like Scream and The Evil Dead, it ends up looking disturbingly like some of the hilariously bad horror movies being released nowadays. This doesn’t hurt The Cabin in the Woods, and actually makes it seem all the more impressive that Goddard was able to make the film resemble those bad movies so well, yet still come off as intense, entertaining, and very funny. I’ll admit that most of the reason I find this movie so entertaining is because I’m a cynical bastard when it comes to movies. I know a lot of people who love going cheesy action/horror movies just to laugh at how bad they are. I do see the humor in it, but I feel like my intelligence is being insulted when I pay for those kinds of movies. All that goes through my mind is that some movie ex-
ecutives threw together a poorly planned, written, directed, and acted film and knew that people would enjoy it and that they would make money off of it. But not from me. Because of this unhealthy way of thinking, Cabin in the Woods got a resounding “Fuck yes!” from me. Finally these sins are being called out. Even if nothing happens because of it, I am satisfied. This movie even made me appreciate how those cheesy horror movies can actually be entertaining from a comedic standpoint. As I watched the film I was impressed with the way that the actors were able to do perfect impressions of the horrible actors in bad horror movies. Then it occurred to me that they are really just impersonating bad acting. Maybe they are all just bad actors. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. And because of that, Cabin in the Woods is stuck with a “B+.” While this might read as an “A” review, the fact is that Cabin in the Woods, if you ignore the ingenious meta references and genre bending, is really just another bad horror movie at heart. No matter how entertaining, no bad horror movie will ever get an “A” rating from me (Except for Apollo 18, that movie was amazing).
Consequences of the Cabin
Starring: Oscar, an adorable baby chimp; narrated by Tim Allen What You Need to Know: This documentary tells us the story of Oscar, a baby chimpanzee. Showcasing his intelligence and incredibly adorable personality, we see how Oscar's chimp family gets down in the craziness that is the wild forest. What We Think: Thank you, Disney, for making a wonderfully beautiful (HD nature!) and entertaining (cute baby animals!) IMAX film just in time for 4/20, which is also Earth Day, you guys. Just try to keep the giggles to a minimum and grab some popcorn to cover up the stank, and you'll be fine next to all the families that are also watching this film.
The Five-Year Engagement april 27 Starring: Emily Blunt, Jason Segel What You Need to Know: This Judd Apatow-produced comedy is about a couple's relationship as it unfolds during a bumpy five-year engagement, including moving cities, climates and, of course, emotions. What We Think: Judd Apatow + Jason Segel + rom com = good enough. Though this film definitely teeters on the border of "Aww, kind of cheesy" and "Oh my gosh, I think I might barf," we all know it'll still be entertaining. We won't be rushing to the theaters for this, but we'll line it up for a hungover Sunday with a few mimosas.
The Perfect Family
Contraband Crime After Crime The Innkeepers Pariah
May 1 Peter Jackson stopped filming Lord of the Rings: Return of the King three times so his crew could watch what 2002 Eli Roth horror film?
april 20
answers are a few from here
April 24
Joyful Noise Haywire New Year's Eve W.E.
Chimpanzee
In The Evil Dead five students from this Big Ten school venture to a Tennessee cabin.
This 1987 Samuel L. Jackson film is based off the best-selling novel of the 19th’s century.
This FX funnyman has a feature role in 2008’s The Strangers.
may 4th
Starring: Kathleen Turner, Emily Deschanel What You Need to Know: Kathleen Turner plays the perfect suburban mom, and is running for Catholic Woman of the Year. Unfortunately for her, she has to introduce her family members to the board for approval, including her lesbian daughter and alcoholic hubby. What We Think: With some awards under its belt and a promising, unique cast, this movie appears to be pretty legitimate even if the plot line is a little tired. If they can spin this into a not-too-blantant PSA for gay and lesbian rights, then it'll come off as earnest rather than cheesy and be all good.
SAVE THE ALES!
Climate pollution is going to make beer more expensive as it disrupts global agriculture. Coal is the #1 contributor to climate pollution. Tell MSU it’s time to move beyond coal! Ask President Simon when the university plans to retire the dirty coal plant on campus and how they plan to make MSU a real clean energy leader. Tweet your questions for the forum by 2:45pm on Wednesday using #MSUEnergy and #MSUBeyondCoal. For more information and to get involved fi nd “MSU Beyond Coal” on Facebook or twitter @MSUBeyondCoal.
WWW.SIERRACLUB.ORG
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Don’t Put a Ring On It, Please Teddy Baum Cox wrote this
That damn Beyoncé has done it again. That chick has made getting hitched seem like the definitively trendy, hip thing to do besides smoking cigarettes and selling drugs (which are always cool). With college ending for many seniors, the panic to keep their largely dysfunctional relationships going is what drives some guys to buy a ring and slap it on the one night stand-turned girlfriend that they desperately want to keep screwing. Bad idea. Seriously, I’d put that on par with New Coke, The Bay of Pigs, and every movie Topher Grace has ever been in (seriously, have you seen Bad Company?). If you’re so in love, listen to this advice: Let it end. Still hearing wedding bells? Before you get down on one knee in front of a girl who gets on two for you, I urge you to read on. First, do you really think that at the age of 21 or 22 you’re mature enough for marriage? Marriage is a big deal, and, unlike college, it lasts a lifetime. If you’re a Spartan, you‘ve imbibed to the point of pissing the bed at least once. Compound that with your proclivity for riots, your appetite for skipping class, your desire to cheat off of international students, and, oh, most importantly, your penchant for watching the vilest porn the blessed internet has to offer. Yep, it’s definitely for the best that you don’t pick up a passenger on this vomit-filled rollercoaster ride that you call your “life.” Oh, maybe you’re under the impression that you aren’t a “typical” MSU student. No, you’re far more mature (pretentious), and you know in the depths of your heart that this one is the one—your soulmate, your baby oven. Well, spoiler alert: With the way this school routinely bends students over, Oz-style, for tuition, plus the
expenses of living in your shit-hole/slum/favela — the cash you have leftover to buy that special someone a ring might be enough for a tiny, little diamond pebble. Maybe. Diamonds might last forever, but the resentment she’ll feel in her heart over you being more bankrupt than Warren Sapp will help grease the wheels on the divorce train, and she won’t feel so bad taking half of your “equity.” Goodbye, 2000 Dodge Neon! Goodbye, “classic” pog collection! Getting married to a twenty-something fresh out of college screams Kardashian-level desperation. College is a time of experimentation for both sexes; it’s a time for trying out new things, maybe trying out new partners, hell, maybe even trying out two things with two partners at one time! Personally, when considering my future wife, I hope to never, ever know what horrid things she did or got stuck in her, and further, I hope she never inquires about any of the unforgiveable things I’ve done (and continue to do). Marriage might be about trust, but it’s also about keeping your deepest and darkest secrets to yourself. Linking up with a girl from college means each of you know about every sex event that the other one R.S.V.P’ed to as “cumming.” Romance is always a tricky situation and I’m no Mike Myers-esque love guru. Heck, the most romantic thing I’ve ever done was put on a condom without the girl asking me to, but marriage? Bro, come on now. Don’t do it. For your sake, for her sake, and for this country’s divorce rate’s sake, don’t you dare put a ring on it; no matter how much you think you should.
Movie Trivia Answers: 1) Cabin Fever 2) Michigan State 3) Uncle Tom's Cabin 4) Glenn Howerton
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