Fre e.. bes.like t lo bein oki g t ng he in t bes he t A Big ND Te th n. e
The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 8 2/29/12 - 3/14/12
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Justin Time Travels
Murders Old Women, Giggles Happen justin gawel wrote this
Instead of driving to Panama City this year for spring break, getting drunk on the beach, and slapping our dicks on the bar at Red Lobster again, my friends and I wanted to do something different this year. So, we starting saving up the money we made from stealing things at house parties (to answer your next question, yes, it was us who stole your iPod, and yes, we very much enjoyed your selection of Eagle Eye Cherry before we sold it). And once we finally had enough, we all agreed how to spend it unanimously: We’d rent Michael J. Fox and the DeLorean from Back To The Future in order to spend Spring break traveling through time. We contact Michael J. Fox and he shakes his way to East Lansing the day we’re leaving. After a few awkward questions about why Back To the Future Three was so shitty, he shuffles us into the DeLorean and we’re ready to go. He says the time machine hasn’t been working quite right and it’s nearly impossible to predict what time it will take us to. Are we worried? No, at this point we’re definitely too drunk to be worried. MJF accelerates down Abbot up to eighty-eight miles per hour. Startled, I nearly spill the mug of whiskey in my hand! Lightning surrounds the car and suddenly we’re in a market square. Astounded that the time machine worked, we get out and everyone looks pissed that we ran over their pope or something. However, they all look too sick to really fight us. Seriously, what a bunch of pussies and a weak spring break destination this is. Just because this is Europe during the Middle Ages and everyone has the Bubonic Plague doesn’t mean that they have an excuse not to drink and show their tits for spring break! God, how depressing! We whip a shot glass at a babushka grandmother and it kills her. Subsequently, Michael J. Fox then buys a shit load of opium, and we get back in the time machine to leave. Lightning flashes and all of a sudden we’re on a beach. Okay, this is more like spring break! And look, there’s a giant fucking ship in the bay! Our first thought is that it’s pirates, so we may be spending our spring break like Ben Roethlisberger, you know, raping and pillaging our way through towns. However, once we swim out to the boat, we realize that this is either an Oprah / Tyler Perry style cruise, or it is a slave ship. We put our money on the latter since it’s quiet and no one seems to be bickering about scuffed tennis shoes. Not wanting to be associated with slave owners, we show ourselves off.
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Once we’re back in the DeLorean we give it another go and find ourselves as part of a wagon train on the Oregon Trail. Instantly, all of my friends contract dysentery and are bitten by rattlesnakes. We start chanting “TITS” at a passing wagon and an old fat pioneer woman emerges. Simultaneously, we all yell, “STOP!” causing her covered wagon to cease, making the fat,old pioneer woman lose her balance. This causes her to fall and snap her neck on a rock. Looking around we realize that even with no accompanying laugh track, a fat, old woman falling off a wagon is still pretty funny.
Nonetheless, not wanting to smell the stench of oxen and inbreeding anymore, we decide to leave. But, wait. Fuck. We’re out of plutonium. How does this always happen!? However, the quick thinking MJF simply takes off his wool sweater, puts it on the ground, steps on it in his socks, has a Parkinson’s attack, and promptly generates 1.21 gigawatts of static electricity to power the time machine. Boom, just like that Marty McFly saves spring break. The time machine somehow, and miraculously, returns us back to East Lansing on the last day of vacation. We say goodbye to MJF and we head to the bar where my subsequent blackout makes it seem like I’m traveling through time all over again.
gettin' down and dirty has never been so nasty.
because you have to look great in that birthday suit.
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see page 4
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Our Guide to Spring Cleaning
Manscaping 101
How to Spend Spring break in EL
page three
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THe top ten Things You Should Give Up Regardless of Lent 10) Skipping class (for no reason) A past article from The Black Sheep once stated that for every class you skip, you’re wasting about $40 of yours, your parents, or the state’s money given to you that could be used on a tank of gas, new shoes, concert tickets, or about seven Chipotle burritos. Now that you know, I hope I successfully made you feel guilty for wasting 7 delicious burritos. You’re an asshole. 9) Having sex (without protection) Does the feeling really make a difference with or without that condom? Maybe it makes the world of difference when you don’t wear one, but it also makes a world of difference when you do wrap it up. Nothing is grosser than having kids at 21, besides genital warts, but to me, there’s no difference.
The Black Sheep Guide to Spring Cleaning Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this Spring is right around the corner, which means walking to the bar without a coat (finally), graduation (ugh), and microwaveready Easter Peeps (yum). So, naturally, the last thing on your mind is cleaning…but who better to act as your spring cleaning sherpas than the unqualified experts at The Black Sheep? That’s what we figured. Now roll up those sleeves and put on your medical mask—it’s going to be a dirty, dirty ride. Materials: -Three 5-Hour Energy drinks or one Adderall -Garbage Bags -Knee Pads (Helmet is optional.) -Never-been-used vacuum -Insecticide -Tolerance for a wide variety of smells -Bleach spray -Motivation and/or a set of balls
away) or you can just throw them all out. (Any leftover liquor in the freezer from previous parties will be your well-deserved reward at the end of this expedition, by the way.) 3) As for the bedroom, you’re going to need a lot of garbage bags. Rather than actual “cleaning,” you’re just going to throw out the “collection” of crap that you have been accumulating since the beginning of your college career. This will include sex rags, mold-infested coffee mugs, ripped and/ or pit-stained t-shirts, and ironic wall art (e.g. a Robert Goulet record or a poster of a centaur). You’re also going to have to clean up all the scrap papers on top of the heater and unscramble the plugs that are all somehow connected to one outlet—a definite fire hazard. Lastly, you’ll have to find that lost bag of potato chips somewhere in your bed, unless you actually intend on eating the rest. In that case, go forth.
"as for the dirty dishes, you can take the long route (soak, scrub, dishwash, put away) or just throw them all out."
1) To get the worst over with, start in the bathroom. You have several choices here. For one, you can get on all fours like a battered 1950s housewife and scrub every floor, corner, surface, and hole until all traces of body hair, dust, and dried urine no longer exist. This method should take you around an hour and half to complete for the average, small, shitty college apartment. If you have mold, double your time. Your other option is to spray the entire bathroom with bleach, let it sit for a half hour, and boom— you’re done. You may not be able to venture inside for the rest of the day, but hey, it beats getting down on your knees. (As I’m sure they’re already sore, ya big slut.)
2) Next is the kitchen— the second worst filth bucket in the home. First off, go through all the cabinets and the fridge, and throw out all the rotten food. You may go food shopping every month, but who are you kidding? Your diet consists of Jimmy John’s and Taco Tuesdays. It shouldn’t be any surprise that you have a whole bushel of potatoes sprouting some sort of conjoined fetal potato growth. After you’ve cleaned out all the stanky eats, take the insecticide and bring down a fiery reign of vengeance on the family of ants that have been hibernating under the stove. Next, vacuum and mop to get rid of the onion peels, dried macaroni, and the coagulated sticky substance that seems to cover the entire linoleum. As for the dirty dishes, you can take the long route (soak, scrub, dish-wash, put
4) Whew, okay—dealing with the living room should be a piece of cake compared to the previous catastrophucks. All you have to do is shove everything in the hallway closet. Say “goodbye” to your stack of old Cosmopolitan (or Maxim, or for the prepubescent, Nickelodeon Magazine), the bite size candy wrappers that have been culminating in the couch cushions, and the pair of mystery socks that have been on the TV stand since Welcome Week. All that’s left is to tape a piece of cardboard to the drywall to hide the unsightly hole you created from showing off your karate kicks. When all is said and done, try smoking the inside of your vacuum bag, the dropped weed and dust will create an intensive high.
5) Last, though certainly shouldn’t be forgotten, is your computer. In the midst of all this “cleaning,” you must remember to delete your entire web history or anything incriminating on the hard-drive. Better safe than looking like a bona fide freak job. And while you’re at the whole cleaning thing, you should probably clean out some of your Facebook friends. We know you don’t really have 843 friends. Do you? Bingo bango, there you have it: A semi-clean home with just enough spare time to huff some bleach and have an imaginary argument with Mr. Clean about his sketch hoop earring.
8) Driving (three blocks away) What happened to the days when you’d walk from a house party on Charles and Elizabeth all the way back to Holden without thinking twice, and now you’ve gotten so fat and lazy in the past three years that three blocks is far more steps than you’re willing to take? No wonder you have three chins, tubby. 7) Drinking (to the point of legal trouble) Blacking out is a fun thing. Fun until you wake up behind bars for drunk driving to McDonald’s and falling asleep in the drivethru. Fun until you are slapped in the balls with an MIP for drunkenly pissing on the side of Skandalaris during tailgate season. 6) Going to the bathroom (without washing your hands after) We’ve all done it once or twice or more, but imagine how many hands you’ve come in contact with that have just recently touched a peeing weenie, and all you had to do was shake someone’s hand at Harper’s. An unfair amount of dicks is the answer. 5) All-nighters (constantly fueled by Adderall and Monster) The occasional end-of-semester-pre-finals-freak-out-all-nighter is sometimes necessary in order to catch up on everything you put off preparing for all semester, but the once or twice a week habit will not only fuck with your mind, sleeping schedule, heart rate and diet, but it will probably give you gray hair before you even get your degree. Not cute. 4) Texting (the douche/bitch who is still in your life) Ladies and gents— that person is not going to change. They are trying to suck the last bit of juice you still have left in your soul to spit it back into a hobo’s toothless mouth. Unless you’re a self-loathing masochist, don’t listen to me. I’m just trying to protect your tender, loveable heart to make room for dudes/ ladies who will treat you well. 3) Talking shit (behind people’s backs) Grow a pair of somethings and if you have a problem, SAY IT TO MUH FACE!! Talking shit is slowly but surely creating that cute and wrinkly (but still smelly, awkward, and tense) elephant in the room. 2) Sleeping (until 4 p.m.) Sleep is a delicious, beautiful moment in time where nothing matters but the comfortable blankets enveloping you, the cushy pillow beneath your head, and the quiet and steady pace of your own breathing. But if you’re waking up every day two hours before dinner time, I don’t know whether to punch you with jealousy or punch you with motivation to accomplish something. 1) Tweeting (every thought in your head) Far be it from me to tell you to not post how you got a job in a different state, got engaged or want to share a hilarious cat video. But when it gets to the point of consistently posting about why you feel fat today, ask yourself one question: “Will anyone give a flying fuck?” If the answer is no, don’t post it. If the answer is yes, ask yourself one more time.
black betty wrote this
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If you could be any Spartan celebrity, who would you be? "I would totally be Zeke." - Emalee, Senior
Manscaping 101 teddy baum cox wrote this Hell yeah bitches! Spring is here and you know what that means: spring break! The sun comes out and our epidermis follows. As many bros bust out the gun show, women across campus will be exposed to a horrendous sight this spring; the dreaded unkempt manscape. So, how can we battle this crisis, you ask? Lucky for all of you, I have the smoothest stones on this side of the Mississippi, and I embrace the chance to spread my vast and warm knowledge all over this campus’ jaw-dropped face.
Trimmed, yet still there: Retaining the manliness while letting everyone know that you aren’t still stuck in the 70s. Using an electric razor with a trim guard will not only keep some hair remaining, but it will also prevent that nightmare of a meat slicer getting near your family jewels. Just straight stupid: If you want to get some laughs at your expense,go the Chewbacca route. Grow that hair out and never look back. You might even consider shaving a block S in your chest to really show your school spirit.
First, pick your poison. I say this because no matter what you choose to help you remove all that hair, it will still induce a panic attack. Scissors: A bold choice. Scissors will ensure precision and preserve some length in terms of body hair, but one must be wary of the prospect of cutting your nipple off. Electric Razor: Really? You want to put a dozen highspeed razors near your most sensitive parts? That sounds like a terrible idea—most likely one that results in an all-too-familiar, “Oh, shit” moment when your meat sack gets caught in this death machine. Straight Razor: This will guarantee the smoothest and most enjoyable shave, but the idea of slicing open your coin purse like it’s a Mexican piñata are so horrific that many will shy away from it. Only use this method if you are confident in your steady hand and nerves of steel. Waxing: No. Just no. We are looking to trim and shape here, not scorch and burn the earth. If you are seriously considering waxing, you can just cut your losses and stop reading here.
Armed and ready, but still have no idea what to do? Well, check out these tips and just hope you don’t screw it up and somehow die like an idiot. Do NOT shave against the grain on your pubic area. This is how you get a cluster of festering red bumps that make you look as diseased as the women from U of M. Don’t skimp on the shaving cream.Sure, the 99-cent can of cream might be economical, but it’s like wearing a Durex condom; you know it’s going to screw you over in the end. Be conscious of location. Shaving in the communal bathroom in the dorms is a dick move when you consider your fellow dorm mates. Nobody wants to see your pubey aftermath in the sink when they’re brushing their teeth. Be gentle. This isn’t a campaign of shock and awe against your body hair—be smooth and decisive. You should also consider shaving in the shower to let the hot water open up your pores like the shots at Rick’s open up your inhibitions.
OK, now that we’re armed, we need to develop a game plan. Think about what you want your body hair to say. Going totally bare: Shaving off all your hair will convey sensitivity, yet also a desire to stay trendy. I’d recommend the straight razor for this look, but be sure to use lotion afterwards to prevent those nasty razor burn bumps that make you look like an STD-infested man slut.
While it might take a few attempts to find perfection, when that gorgeous babe peels off your clothes and sees your glorious manscape job, all your hard work will be worth it. And ladies, if you have a guy friend who’s violating all the rules of decency with his out-of-control body hair, do him a favor and pass this article onto him. Knowledge is power.
"Willie the Can Man!" - Anna, Senior
"Izzo; he's in a position to make things happen." - David, MSU Alum
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Your Irish Heritage And Women's History Month Itinerary ziev beresh wrote this
You knew St. Patty’s day was coming. You knew that women existed. But I bet you didn’t know that March is both National Irish-American Heritage and Women’s History Month. Unfortunately, Wikipedia banned me for changing Napoleon’s birthplace from “Corsica” to “Poop” and as a result, I can’t look up what these designations actually mean. What I can do, however, is speculate, and even provide some suggestions for how to celebrate. Let’s start with some background. It’s common knowledge that when minorities get months, majorities acknowledge it by acting like them. For example, you eat soul food for Black History Month, kielbasa for Polish Heritage Month, and tears for American Indian Heritage Month. This is called “cultural awareness.” The occurrence of St. Patrick’s Day on the 17th clearly indicates that March belongs to the Irish— so we drink. This makes me wonder: What is it about March that makes chicks want to butt in too? Not to say that chicks don’t deserve a month, but at 50.8% of the U.S. population, they technically aren’t a minority. Maybe they should celebrate their history next month. After all, the only thing going on around then is Earth Day, and April is a damn sexy name for a woman. Seriously, the April(s) reading this should call me. I bet you look good. Anyway, as it currently stands, we’re celebrating both. So how do you combine alcohol and feminism? Drink a light beer, or take advantage of some weekly events that typically occur during the Irish Heritage/Women’s month non-extravaganza. May I recommend the following? March 3rd: Your schedule will probably be clear on this Saturday during Spring break, so why not read some Irish literature? Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt is a classic memoir detailing the potato famine’s legacy and the crippling guilt of masturbation in a Catholic country. March 10th: Today is a good day to visit the Michigan Women’s Historical Center. Located within a seemingly non-
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descript house in Lansing past several roadside crosses, the center provides information about notable Michigan women, and a lot of it. Learn about the lives of important ladies such as suffragist and food seasoning tycoon, Katherine Dexter McCormick. Then get bored and go to the Lansing Men’s Historical Center: The Whiskey Barrel. March 17th: Dun dun dadaa! St. Patty’s. Since time is stopped today at beer o’ clock, you could easily just follow the crowd in pounding brews, wearing cute green T-shirts, and all that stuff— which is good stuff. Or you can get away from the crazy atmosphere in town and listen to some real Patricks speak over at the retirement home. With your festive presence, old farts left and right will wax poetic about their own incorrect and exaggerated St. Patrick’s Day memories. Educational! March 24th: Attend a women’s circle. These group meetings occur on a giant pile of pillows and blankets at the East Lansing Community Center and are open to all. This is a safe setting to converse about women’s history and women’s issues today and watch Glee. And eat lots of ice cream. And can we discuss why Ryan won’t talk to me anymore? March 31st: It’s the last Saturday in March, and what with all the Irish heritage and women’s history you acknowledged, you’re probably ready for a new theme. We almost forgot to mention that it’s also Greek American Heritage Month. Eaten any pita yet? I thought you knew the drill for being culturally aware. Okay, quick: run to Leo’s and order a flaming cheese. Nice work. We’re done here. Regardless of your own ethnic or non-ethnic background, with this itinerary your Saturdays will be appropriately festive. In celebrating both the Irish and the female, you’ll gain a new perspective on what it means to be a part of these communities. So, save the dates, clip this article, and get ready for a rollicking Irish-American Heritage and National Women’s Month good time!
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$2.00 – Well Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! $3.00 – Well Drinks Half Off All Drinks, Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day Light, Rolling $3.00 –Bloody Mary & MimosasRock Bottles $3.00 – Pints $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint$3.50 Long Kamikazes! Islands Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day
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THUR, 3/01
$3 Double Wells $2 Cans $3 Long Islands
Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Wings vs. Wild 730PM
TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks
$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft
FRI, 3/02 SAT, 3/03
$1 Pint Night of Keystone and PBR from 8pm to 12am $3.50 Pitchers Keystone and PBR from 12am to close
Come Try East Lansing's Best Olive Burger
Don't Leave for Break Yet! Pistons vs. Grizzlies 8PM
$2 Pints $3 Calls
$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!
Resting from the weekend!
$2.50 Bottles of Labatt Blue, Labatt Blue Light, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian AND FREE PARKING!
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm.
SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close
Go Green! Go White! $3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers
SUN, 3/11
Getting ready for the week...
$2.50 Bottles of Miller Lite and Miller Genuine Draft $2.75 Shots of Jack Daniels
Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Pistons vs. Jazz 9PM
$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo
MON, 3/12
1/2 Off Night!
$2.75 24oz Drafts of Labatt Blue, and Miller Light $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guinness
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Wings vs. Kings 10:30PM
Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas
$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers
TUES, 3/13
18+ Night!
$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness
Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close MARCH MADNESS ROUND 1! GO GREEN! GO WHITE!
Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine
$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas
WED, 3/14
10
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Bartender
of the
Week
David
sis a o s ' y d o wo
Major: Economics Relationship Status: Single 2 Truths, 1 Lie: I like being a bartender, I never lose anything, and I draw Favorite MSU sport to watch: Basketball If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?: Baked brie Would you rather be Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf or MJF in Back to the Future?: Back to the Future What's the dumbest thing you've ever done drunk?: I broke my ankle at a Phish concert... What's your deal breaker in a relationship?: Lies
drinking game:
crazy veggies What You Need: Friends, booze…uh…teeth. Number of Players: The more peas in the pod, the better. Intoxication Level: You’ll be as drunk as that damn carrot. Yeah, you. How to Play: -Everyone sits in a circle. -Each person announces to the group what vegetable they are. For example, peas. Two people cannot be the same vegetable. -The game begins with one person saying which vegetable they are, then another person’s veggie name. For example, “broccoli, cucumber.” -The person who is cucumber would then say their name and the name of another vegetable. For example, “cucumber, carrot.” -During the game no person is allowed to expose their teeth. -The game continues until one person improperly responds or bares their teeth. The loser must drink before a new round begins. The Game Ends When: A vegan shows up and you stab them.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com
Would you rather shave Kevin James' back or listen to Gilbert Gottfried at a poetry slam?: Gilbert Gottfried at a poetry slam If you could have a superpower what would it be?: Immortality What's your biggest irrational fear?: I'm afraid, literally afraid, of snakes Which decade would you have liked to live in?: The 1930s, everything's up in the air What's the best advice you've ever gotten?: Your life is what you make it Turn-ons: Confidence, being nice and fun, and sense of humor Turn-offs: Vengeful, rude, and selfabsorbed Shoutouts: Gaynorson Beardslee!
recipe for disaster:
Irish Bananas St. Patty's Day is right around the corner, and as much as we all love Dr. Seuss, the joke is overdone. Don’t be the schmuck trying to impress people with your green eggs and ham. Green eggs and ham are out, Irish Bananas are in! What You’ll Need: Butter, brown sugar, Irish whiskey, bananas, vanilla ice cream. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Don’t let the bananas fool you; there is absolutely no nutritional benefit to these babies. Let’s Get Baked: - Melt butter in a skillet. - Stir in brown sugar and whiskey until the whiskey reduces and turns syrupy. - Add bananas to the skillet and simmer until bananas are glazed with the syrup. - Serve immediately with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. - It’s just that simple. Drunk people everywhere will flock to your party when they hear you are making this alcoholic delicacy, so be sure to make enough for all the friends you’ll meet when you’re drunk but never talk to again. They’re the best!
11
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The Black Sheep Guide to Spending Your Spring break in East Lansing (and Fooling Everyone Into Thinking You Went Somewhere Cool) bailey walsh wrote this If you’re reading this, there’s a pretty good chance you didn’t go anywhere for spring break this year. This is because a). You’re stupid. b). You’re poor. Or c). You don’t have any fucking friends to go anywhere with. I do have good news, though— I’m a broke idiot loner too. And frankly, I’ve gotten pretty good at it—almost no one knows that I spend every weekend at the mall trying on different pairs of Levi’s I’ll never be able to afford. It’s all about the illusion you create. Imagination. Fabrication. Destination.
and Twitter to say things like, “SB12!!!! <3333,” “G2G GTL 4 SB,” and a personal favorite: “Stocking up on white Ts to show off my Ts on SB!” And if hasn’t become obvious already, you MUST refer to it as “SB” rather than “spring break” when you’re talking to anyone else about it. For whatever reason, college students don’t seem to respond to the latter. “Hey man, what are you doing for spring break this year?” “Uhh, what’d you say bro?” “You know, your SB plans.” “Oh! Why didn’t you just say that, brah? I’m spendin’ SB in Meh-he-co. Ay yiyi!”
So, while you’re not actually a cool person with any cool plans, lying to your “friends” will make you *seem* cool. If you’re still struggling with this concept (super idiot), try thinking about how people like Kevin James and George Lopez have succeeded in life. Are they funny people? No. Are they *seemingly* funny? I guess…
If a picture’s worth a thousand words, your “vacation” will speak for itself.
Okay, moving on: First and foremost, don’t walk the walk if you can’t talk the talk.
Aside from concealing your identity every time you step in public for the duration of break, this step should be the only other necessary measure in your deception: Get your hands on some photo editing software and acquaint yourself with it. Once you have a handle of the basics, you’ll need to manipulate your photos to look like you’re on vacation. Somewhere other than East Lansing.With friends.Or anyone at all.
Picking up the spring break lingo is a key factor to this plan’s success. You’ll want to drop subtle hints that imply you have a trip coming up without explicitly telling people that you’re going on a trip. Because you’re not. You moron. Of course everything that comes spewing out of your mouth will be a lie, but no one is going to believe that you’re going to the Bahamas with your close friend, Kimmy. Kimmy Kardashian.
Sounds easy enough, right? Assuming your Photoshop skills aren’t completely horrendous, you’ll produce something that somewhat resembles something that someone might do on spring break and proceed to post the pictures online. Before long, someone will stumble upon your new album. “Check this out! That weird chick who’s always at the mall is in a bathing suit on some janky-looking beach. I wonder if she actually went somewhere for SB.”
Instead, you’ll want to start updating your status on Facebook
See that? They’re looking at you. Thinking about you. Wonder-
ing about you. Feels good, doesn’t it? Of course it does. After all, everyone knows spring break isn’t about relaxing or having fun—it’s about being better than other people. And pretending when you’re not. So, when all else fails and you feel like you have nothing to live for during your SB in East Lansing, start living a lie instead.
before you leave,
party at lou ha’s! This Saturday
triple lindy birthday bash! The best 80s cover band in el!
$6 MINI LIQUOR PITCHERS $3 FLAVORED VODKA BOMBS | $3 SOCO LIMES $3 WASHINGTON APPLES DON'T FORGET TO LIKE US ON FACEBOOK AND FOLLOW US ON TWITTER!
Free shuttlpeus! to/from cam
16800 Chandler Road
Text louh as to 22828 an d get on o mailing lis ur t!
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The Movie Page Ghost rider:
Based on the Trailer
March 2012
spirit of vengeance One must be blazed to enjoy Johnny Blaze. Directed by:
Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
starring:
Nicolas Cage, Fergus Riordan, Idris Elba
GRADE: D MIke benson wrote this If Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance succeeded in one thing, it is that it was better than Ghost Rider. Not necessarily by a significant amount, but enough so that, at the very least, the filmmakers could say they did one thing right and actually made some kind of small progress in the name of cinema. But please, make no mistake, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is still an awful movie. It’s just not at the same level as “Benson’s Big Three” (Ghost Rider, A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010), Red Tails). Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance picks up not too long after where the first installment left off. Johnny Blaze (the always classy Nicolas Cage) has found himself hiding out in Eastern Europe in an attempt to avoid causing others harm due to his curse (which makes sense, being that when one is likely to become engulfed in flames at any moment, they are not normally welcome around any gas stations or Michaels arts & craft stores). However, Blaze is tested when he is appointed the task of saving a young child named Danny (Fergus Riordan) from the devil by a monk. Blaze must use the curse he so hates in order to save the child, and also to possibly rid
on dvd
himself of the curse, as promised by the monk. Now, before I get into any kind of analysis of this movie, keep in mind that it is directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, directors of the Crank movie series, which are two of the most over-the-top movies Hollywood ever spat out, and also that it stars Nic Cage, not only one of the most clinically insane actors, but one of the most psychotic people to ever grace God’s good Earth. (By the way, if you are reading this review expecting to see some Nic Cage bashing, it’s not gonna happen. Nicolas Cage is a wonderful man and an artist, and you can blow me if you disagree.) So yeah, it would be impossible to review this movie in any legitimate sense, since I doubt that is what the filmmakers intended in the first place. However, as a balls-to-the-wall action flick, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is still only “meh.” The dialogue was laughably bland and, despite a few great action sequences interspersed, the majority of the film was actually quite boring. Likewise, the majority of the acting in the film was terribly forced. Honestly, the flaming
CGI skull seemed to possess more emotional range and acting chops than Nicolas Cage. This, of course, wasn’t Cage’s fault, he was given a poor script and probably had better things on his mind than Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, like cocaine and comic books. As previously stated, the action scenes were the only saving grace for this film. They were over-the-top and crazy, but that is exactly what I expected and wanted from a movie starring Nic Cage as a biker with an easily combustible cranium. The special effects were top notch, especially in the amount of detail and work that was put into the character of the Ghost Rider. As a whole, this second installment of the Ghost Rider series is much darker, which improves it greatly from its predecessor. However, with a plot that is nearly nonexistent and an awkward and shoddy performance from almost every person who worked on it besides the special effects team, I can’t give Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance my approval, no matter how good the action or special effects were. But if it’s the choice between this and the first one, please, please see this one.
uncage the cage!
Starring: Miles Teller, Alexis Knapp, Thomas Mann What You Need to Know: Directed by Todd Phillips of The Hangover, three loser friends throw a badass party to try to make a name for themselves. But like any epic party, it ends in total chaos. Sounds like a blast! What We Think: This movie looks so fun, it makes us remember why high school house parties, when the parents were away, were the greatest thing ever. Starring three unknowns and being filmed from the 1st person perspective adds to the mystique, and we are definitely excited to see if this movie lives up to its own hype.
Silent House
This insanely talented director/producer is Nic Cage's uncle.
march 9
Starring: Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese What You Need to Know: Elizabeth Olsen plays Sarah, a young woman who is spending some time at her family's lake house, only to find out she's been sealed inside. With no contact to the outside world, babygirl starts trippin'. What We Think: Watching this film "unfold in real time" that's supposedly "inspired by true events" is (probably) just some bologna to try to make it seem different than any other average haunted house movie. Though Olsen sure can scream scary, we're not sure if this will prove to be anything we haven't seen before.
A Thousand Words
Like Crazy Footloose Immortals Jack and Jill
The Adventures of Tintin The Three Musketeers My Week With Marilyn Happy Feet 2
march 2
answers are a few from here
March 6
March 13
Project X
When Cage is in jail, this famous bounty hunter generally posts his bail...
The island that Cage bought is right next to one owned by this country music duo...
How many total houses has Nic Cage bought? Note: He doesn't own many of them anymore, since he's broke...
march 9
Starring: Eddie Murphy, Cliff Curtis, Kerry Washington What You Need to Know: Eddie Murphy stars as a smooth-talking man who discovers he only has 1000 words left to speak before he ends up six-feet-under. Sounds pretty shitty! What We Think: Though the cast doesn't seem great, there's no denying that the plot is original and thoughtprovoking... yes, about an Eddie Murphy film. It might not be winning awards any time soon, and you might want to save it for when it's out of the theaters, but it seems like it might actually keep our attention.
the media stereotypes you meet
on spring break! the the chelsea handler ted mosby He’s been your best friend since Jeremy Daniel gave you simultaneous wedgies in the fifth grade. You dormed together freshman year, but when you rushed he decided to chat with his three-statesaway girlfriend over Skype. It wasn’t until his junior year that he discovered she was cheating on him. Though you rarely talk these days, you decided to invite him on spring break. Now you’re in club dancing with hawt womenz as he shoots you “please come end my boredom” daggers from across the room. You let your slam-dunk slam piece go and mosey his way. “Dude, there’s hundreds of sluts here for you to bone,” you mutter. “I don’t want to talk to any of them,” he downtroddenly claims. You give him a half dozen “How ‘bout her?” options, but it’s always, “Too fat,” “Too skinny,” “Weird freckle,” “Missing a leg.” You’re regretting that invite, as you hate him almost as much as he hates himself.
Before leaving for spring break she excitedly shows you a shirt she bought for the vacation. You frown as she unfurls it, so she feels the need to explain, “It says ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’! Get it?! Plus, it’s white, which will be absolutely perfect for a wet t-shirt contest.” Yes, she’s an attention whore, but that doesn’t take away from her more normal whoreish qualities. As you roll into Panama City Beach, she demands the group stops at Wal-Mart before checking into the hotel because she wants to do a vodka shot minutes after the gang gets into the room. Over break she’ll claim to invent the “tan nap,” which is really just an excuse for her to pass out next to the pool. This is fine, she needs all the rest she can get, what with the stop-start self-esteem sex she has with a different, flaccid, barely-conscious dude in your bathroom each night.
the annie walker She sidles up next to you at the bar and within minutes you’re smitten. She’s cute and she’s sucking back shots faster than the bartender can pour them. The two of you trade adorably awkward glances because, hey, you’re both the shy type. Finally serendipity strikes when you both turn to each other and say, “Hi, I’m--,” bursting out in laughter an instant later. The glimmer in her eye and the stirring in your swim trunks both indicate things are going well until she says something goofy. Shit hits the fan. The conversation’s momentum dies and the glimmer in her eye turns into a glassy shell that does little more than hold in orbs that are just waiting to bulge out of her head. She’s stumbling over her words, stumbling to the bathroom and she tumbles to the ground just as she covers it in a thin puddle of puke. Feel free to give yourself a mental high-five, acting like an ass is what those low self-esteem hotties do.
It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a fictional character on spring break, unless you have some really, really good ‘shrooms. Still, you’ll certainly meet someone that’ll remind you of that one guy you saw in a movie that one time. Like these folks! By: Brendan
the van wilder You’ll spot the Van Wilder from a few dozen yards away. His hot, oiled body glistening in the sun, his perfectlycoiffed hair reaching for the sky as though even his keratin is surrendering to his sparkling blue eyes just a few inches south. Guy or girl, your knees quiver in anticipation as you pray he talks to you. He asks, “Hey, need a beer?” as you rush to tumble a sloppy “Yes!” out of your mouth. He murmurs, “Alright man, give me twenty bucks and I’ll be back with a case in a few.” What? You begin to catch on. Those flip-flops look like they cost several hundred dollars, and his board shorts look to be a brand you can barely pronounce. This guy’s gotta be north of thirty. What kind of grown-up douchebag still celebrates spring break?
the taco macarthur the Leslie Knope You open your eyes, roll over and look at the bedside clock. It’s 10:15 a.m. Four hours of sleep? Jesus. You will yourself out of bed because there’s only two days of break left and much tanning left to do. You angrily stumble into the bathroom only to realize she did it again. Taped to your mirror is the day’s itinerary: 10:30 a.m. mani-pedi followed by a 11:15a.m.-1:30p.m. spa session? Doesn’t she know that you just want to eat a stale bagel from the continental breakfast, slam a beer and hit the beach? She’s everything you love in a person: Organized, driven, adventurous and loyal, but she can’t get the notion that you just want to sit around drinking beer on the beach through her very pretty skull. You hear her rustling around in the living room, so you decide to hide in the closet until it’s 10:35. You’d chip your manicure cracking open beers anyway.
You’re barely out of the state before you have to scream at him for casually lighting up a spliff in your back seat without asking. He barely utters a word during the entire 18-hour journey, tossing in a “Yeah, cool, whatever.” when you periodically ask him if he’s still alive. You exit your condo’s bathroom only to discover a text message claiming he’s gone down to the beach to smoke an apple bong with some girl he met in the elevator. Every night you stumble home from the club frustrated that you’re still not getting laid, and every night you walk into the room and he’s there with a half dozen girls he met on the beach. The rational part of you wants to hate him for succeeding with minimal effort when you fail while trying so very, very hard. Your penis loves him though, because hey, tits.
test your knowledge
Yoga Position or Sex Position?
Are you a dog just looking for a quick bone no matter the cost, or are you a yoga guru who’ll bend over backwards for a glimpse of physical and mental enlightenment? Maybe you’re a bendy bang baron who wants the best of both worlds. Without having to pick someone up at the bar, being able to identify which of the titles below are sex positions and which are yoga positions is the best way to find out where you fall on the stretchy sex spectrum.By: Brendan
1. Basset Hound 2. Half Moon 3. Bound Angle 4. Brute 5. Foot Behind Head 6. Cow Face 7. Bent Spoon 8. Full Boat 9. Royal Pigeon 10. Final Furlong answer key: 1. Sex 2. Yoga 3. Yoga 4. Sex 5. Yoga 6. Yoga 7. Sex 8. Yoga 9. Yoga 10. Sex
11. Yoga 12. Sex 13. Sex 14. Yoga 15. Yoga 16. Yoga 17. Sex 18. Sex 19. Yoga 20. Sex
11. Corpse Pose 12. Golden Gate 13. Viennese Oyster 14. Upside-Down Tortoise 15. Corn Tree 16. Downward Facing Dog 17. Suspended Congress 18. Amazon Reverse 19. Four-Limbed Staff 20. See-Saw
results 0-6 Correct: Stiff and Sexless You’d bend over backward for some sweet sack time, but your joints don’t quite move that way. The one time you got laid last Halloween you pulled a hammy a minute into missionary, but it was still the highlight of your year.
7-13 Correct: Bendy but Boring You touch your toes during warmups, but even then you find it an improper display of your sexuality. You’d loosen up a little more— both physically and mentally—but you’re pretty sure there’s some passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t.
14-20 Correct: The Flexible Fornicator “Freaky” doesn’t begin to describe the ways you loosen up or go down. Your life motto would be, “A leg behind the head means a freak in the bed,” you know, if people actually said that.
15
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march madness predictions
alex everard wrote this
The numbers are staggering and it’s becoming apparent that the breakout of Linsanity, the Lin1ULost virus in the NBA has trickled down and mutated with seasonal March Madness syndrome to create a pandemic of basketball fever in America. This year’s March Madness will be especially maddening and will once again begin in March. Because of this, I’d like to share my predictions on who will survive this fatal virus and what will keep them from falling victim to its voracious spread (Spoiler alert: It’s Matt Damon.) (Just kidding.) Michigan State Spartans: It’s well known by college basketball insiders that Tom Izzo is severely addicted to Final Fours. He hasn’t felt the cool, peerless surface of the trophy or the intoxicating scent of freshly trimmed nets in too long and it’s making him itch. The look Tommy’s had in his eye lately, however, suggests this might be the year he gets his fix. Best case scenario: National Championship Game and a riot. Worst case scenario: Sweet 16 and a riot. Ohio State Buckeyes: Jared Sullinger and the Buckeyes looked decent for a while until the inevitable karma of Jared Sullinger’s number (0) caught up with them in their loss to the ugliest school in their conference, U of M. And even if they do well, they’ll probably end up having to forfeit whatever accomplishments they achieve in two years anyway. Best case scenario: Honorable exit from Elite 8. Worst case scenario: Illegally win National Championship. University of Illinois Fighting Illini: I heard Bruce Weber’s top three plays are titled: “Don’t Lose (By a lot),” “Don’t lose (In the 1st half),” and “Try to Win but Ultimately Lose.” Best case scenario: Go Dancing. Worst case scenario: First round exit and a fanbasewide circle jerk to old Dee Brown/Deron Williams tapes. University of Michigan Wolverines: As the most
unattractive team in their conference, the Wolverines have an inherent advantage in this tournament—their opponents will be heavily distracted by their abhorrence. The disadvantage, though, is that there will be a threat to everyone’s safety if Tim Hardaway Sr. is in the stands. Best case scenario: Sweet 16 with a post-game celebration at the library. Worst case scenario: Second round. University of Wisconsin Honey Badgers: Wisconsin might have had a shot, but considering their coach is actually Satan Himself, I don’t see them advancing very far (seriously, Google “Bo Ryan in Red.”) If Bo/Satan can free himself up from the fiery depths long enough to make a run, anything is possible…but the guy runs a pretty tight ship down there. Best case scenario: Sweet 16. Worst case scenario: Bo Ryan sacrifices his team to Dark Lord. Purdue: Purdue is inching closer to the tournament behind the (well)-seasoned Robbie Hummel, who's looking to make one last run to a title before (FINALLY) graduating. Seriously, even without the knee injuries, the odds of Hummel becoming a West Lafayette townie were even. Now? The dude's not even going to lose his parking space. The Van Wilder of college basketball, Hummel will probably still be hanging around campus trolling for pussy well into his 30s (which is only a few years down the road). Best case scenario: Sweet sixteen and another year of eligibility for Hummel. Worst case scenario: First round exit, Hummel's meal card stops scanning. Well, there ya have it folks. If these predictions do come true, I reserve the right to 15% of all monetary gains accrued by the use of these picks in any March Madness group. I also distance myself from the statements made by these predictions, however,in the event that they may offend any fan, current student, or alumni of the aforementioned teams. If I left out your favorite team, you’re welcome. Go green.
movie trivia answers: 1) Francis ford coppola 2) dog the bounty hunter 3) tim mcgraw and faith hill 4) 15
Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh
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