MSU - 3/15/12 - v06i09 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

Fre e... lik 1 s e bei ee ng d, b th itc e n hes um . ber

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 6, Issue 9 3/14/12 - 3/21/12

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Luck of the lying irish justin gawel wrote this

With St. Patrick’s Day on Saturday, the Sunday after will consist of many apologies. From the typical, mundane apologizes of, “I’m sorry that I threw up in your sink” and the “Sorry, I fell asleep in your bed with a lit cigarette in my hand,” to the other end of the spectrum with apologies like, “I really shouldn’t have tried to upper deck our own toilet, roommate.” Or the classic “I’m sorry that I tried to blow your dad after he won that game of beer pong for us.”After reading this article, however, you’ll be able to lie your way into appearing sincere and apologetic this Sunday, no matter how little you actually mean your “apology.” Let me walk you through how your Sunday afternoon is going to go: You wake up Sunday, high noon, with your mouth tasting like Jameson and vomit. Your face is smashed into a couch pillow and your junk may or may not be out. A feeling like you did something shitty (or shittier than what you usually do when you’re hammered) mysteriously sets in. A quick check of the phone reveals no clues, only a picture message in your outbox that looks like a very grainy picture of a very grainy butthole you sent to your ex. Nothing out of the ordinary to apologize for there, so maybe you’re just feeling bad for no reason. Or something you dreamed, or maybe everyone else was too sloptacular last night to remember anything either and now you’re off the hook. Either way, it’s probably better to just pull the Kwame Kilpatrick defense for now and deny, deny, deny (unless you’re in front of a judge). Denying feels right as you comfortably saunter to the bathroom, guilt-free for now, but your buddy soon appears out of nowhere and orders you to apologize to some girl that he claims you taunted and stole from last night. You are skeptical at first, as this friend typically overreacts to everything. You ask, “Wait, this isn’t like the time when I told your grandma I didn’t like Hawaii Five-O and she spent the rest of her birthday crying, is it? Because, seriously, dude, I don’t owe your now-deceased grandma an apology. CBS owes me an apology and I owe CBS a Hawaiian punch in the dick hole for putting that atrocity on the air in the first place.” No, he assures you, this is much worse and that you need to come with him right now. As you walk outside, your friend informs you that last night you farted on someone’s little sister’s McNuggets so that she would be grossed out and you would have a window to steal all her chicken parts. "Brilliant", you think to yourself as he recounts the story. Your friend seems fairly upset by the situation, so you inquire if he was sure it was you. He says he’s “pretty sure, bro” and shows you a video he took of you, drunk, jumping around the furniture with the aforementioned McNuggets while

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you screamed, “Parkour-McNuggets, parkour-McNuggets!”

child in an adult’s body. I don’t even know how to apologize for that part.”

From there, your buddy escorts you into a house and there is a girl you’ve never seen before. She looks pissed. So, you take a breath, you flood your mind with that sad trip to the Humane Society you took when you were 9, feel the tears coming, and, sure enough, feel your lip quiver slightly as the fabrication begins: “Listen, I-I’m sorry I farted on you when I was drunk and stole your McNuggets. I-I, I’m just so ashamed. You know, my dad was an abusive alcoholic and forbid my siblings and I to ever, ever have McNuggets and you can imagine when alcohol hits me and I see McNuggets, I just lose it a little bit as all that emotion comes flooding back. As for the parkour, well, I’m really just a

You turn your head away (really selling the embarrassment and shame) and she’s either bought the apology by now or not. If not, just keep elaborating and lying, and (hopefully), she’ll come around eventually. Once she ideally has, offer to buy her McNuggets next time (like either of you will remember that) and continue selling the sadness and remorse until you’re a safe distance away. Once you’re on your way to lunch, be sure to alert the Academy of your Oscar-worthy performance. After that, relax. It’s time to nurse that hangover, buddy ol’ pal.

where a horse cop can trample a can man to death.

He’s like a vampire, just the exact opposite.

GoobaS pizza? Now that’s a stretch.

see page 4

see page 5

see page 11

An Interview With A Leprechaun

You’re Going to Poke Me Where?

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Definition: The act of being funny and affable to the point of awkwardness. Samantha had to break up with Julian because of his egregarious nature. The final straw was when he fondled Jessica’s breast because Jessica playfully asked him to.

THe top ten Reasons Why We Love the Shamrock Shake 10) The anticipation: We have waited patiently for its return. You know your life is depressing when you start looking forward to fast food (I’m looking at you, Paula Deen), but the time has finally come and the Shamrock Shake is back! Life can finally be lived again. 9) It’s a double entendre: According to the experts at UrbanDictionary.com, a Shamrock Shake is a handy-jay in the bathroom of an Irish Pub (only for the classy) or simply getting jerked by your favorite stout Irish monfrère. Interestingly enough, “Shamrock Shake” is also the late Michael J. Fox’s nickname. 8) It’s unhealthy for us: Due to popular demand, mainly by Midwest fatties and Samoans, the Shamrock Shake has popped right back into our lives almost as quickly as it disappeared. Why is that? Simple—the American backbone consists of high fructose corn syrup and shamelessness. 7) It’s a Twitter trend: Only the best of the best are trending on Twitter. That must mean this milkshake is tastier than Kelis’.

only in east lansing black betty wrote this East Lansing is just like any other ordinary college town. There are countless restaurants, at least two Planned Parenthoods within a 5-mile radius, and packed liquor stores on Friday nights. But, it is also special and unique in the fact that we can describe it in simple words and one will immediately know what we are talking about—“huge,” “green” and “powerful” come to mind, but we’re not just talking about the Jolly Green Giant’s wang. Really though, there are a lot of distinctive things about this city that you may encounter on any given day—even when you’re walking down Grand River past the empty Barnes and Noble… * sigh * Only in East Lansing is there the biggest, non-military cafeteria IN THE WORLD—Brody. This two-story-high cafeteria cost approximately three quadrillion dollars to appease every taste bud on your tongue. We are some very spoiled, gluttonous Spartans, but that’s fine with us…more cushion for the pushin’, amirite?

Only in East Lansing will you spend half of your paycheck on a parking meter. Can someone please tell me how $0.25 is equivalent to 12 minutes on a meter, and also how they can manage to find your expired meter when the sky is shitting several inches of snow? As we’ve said many times before, P.A.C.E employees are the spawns of Satan and Roseanne Barr. Only in East Lansing will your favorite animal be a squirrel. Especially the fat ones that come up to you and stare for a second to see if you have some chunks of your sandwich to spare, and then run away immediately when you turn up with only a Slurpee. We can’t help but still love you, but beggars can’t be choosers, Ivana Nut. Only in East Lansing will a 5-star basketball recruit leave the team to become a theater actor. We know you have knee problems, Delvon Roe. We also know we still wound up being the Big Ten champs without you, but theater? Theater. Come on. No one cares about your IMDB page “expanding.”

"as we've said many times before, P.a.c.e. employees are the spawns of satan and roseanne barr."

Only in East Lansing are there famous, can-collecting bums. We know each college town has its own share of cool bums, but there’s nowhere in the world that has a Willie or a Fourplay. Oh, you guys haven’t heard of Fourplay? He’s the low-key bum with a missing front tooth whose name is derived from the fact that he, as he states, “bangs chicks in the north, south, east and west.” And I believe him. Only in East Lansing will you encounter horse cops. They may seem intimidating while casually riding on their ponies during Welcome Week and St. Patrick’s Day, but don’t fear the horse cop. He was only put on a horse because he lacked the authoritative mustache and multi-tasking skills of jerking it, driving a cop car, and turning on sirens at the same time. Monkeys can do things horse cops cannot.

Only in East Lansing can a sign say “Future Development Site” for several years without any development whatsoever. With the housing monopolies of CRMC and DTN forcing thousands of young students into prostitution to pay the outrageous monthly rent charged for the dilapidated houses and apartments in East Lansing, this so-called future development site was the light at the end of a tunnel—perhaps it would be a new student housing development in a great location. But, as it turns out, it’s a never-ending tunnel. We’re never reaching the light. Not in this economy. Okay, so, maybe a lot of these things aren’t actually that great. But, they’re ours. They’re East Lansing. And frankly, we love you East Lansing. We always will.

6) It’s a revolution: Appealing to the general public, the Shamrock Shake is a grassroots movement. This year the Shamrock Shake is available nationwide for the first time and the revolution is now attempting to make it available to all of North America (that way our nerdy little brothers in Canada can enjoy it too). Is this goal insurmountable? Impractical? Maybe so, but if you can’t get enough of that green minty goodness, join the revolution today. 5) It’s green: Us Spartans have a weakness for the color green...and anything we can dip Oreos into. In my personal opinion, I wouldn’t be surprised if the original Shamrock Shake was born and bred right here in East Lansing. Go green, drink green. 4) Uncle O’Grimacey: In the 1980s Uncle O’Grimacey emerged as the Shamrock Shake-drinking mascot. O’Grimacey lived in Ireland, but every March he visited Grimace, bringing him the gift of the Shamrock Shake. Like any other uncle, O’Grimacey creeped children out and made everyone uncomfortable. The fact that he looked like a wad of snot that fell under the couch (hence the fur) didn’t help one bit. Thus, Uncle O’Grimacey was later phased out and discarded like a pair of dirty panties or an unwanted grandparent. 3) It’s the only edible Irish dish: Have you ever actually had Irish food? It’s revolting. I guess there are potatoes…but soda bread, corned beef and cabbage? Pretty damn nasty. Even worse are crubeens (boiled pig’s feet) and black pudding (coagulated blood). The Shamrock Shake may not be traditionally Irish, but it’s better than eating leftover animal parts. I’d say the critically acclaimed chefs at McDonald’s did something right. 2) The taste: When one looks at this shake, one assumes it probably tastes like a cup of blended pillow mints (those lame after-dinner mints your grandma keeps in her linty housecoat pocket), but one would be wrong. The flavorful bursts of vanilla-mint are a tantalizing delight and it’s topped off with whipped cream and a cherry. Who could beat that? And, it’s so minty fresh that you can replace your teeth-brushing regimen with this frothy milkshake while it’s in season. 1) It commemorates St. Patrick’s Day: St. Paddy’s Day is the biggest holiday on campus—I mean, when else are people lining up for the bars at 6 a.m.? Thus, the Shamrock Shake is the lifeblood of every college kid who lives and breathes for March 17th. It’s magically delicious.

Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this

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an interview with a leprechaun bailey walsh wrote this

From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What's the best part about St. Patrick's Day?

As St. Patrick’s Day approaches, the buzz begins: Who is St. Patrick? Are leprechauns real? And if so, can we see some (dirty) leprechaun pictures?

"Two words: Day drinking." - Chelsea, Senior

In light of all of these steaming questions, I took it upon myself to get some of them answered. After weeks of rainbow hunting, emails with the cash4gold people, and good ol’ fashioned social networking, I was finally able to reach Haywood Jablowmi, (the nephew of Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun mascot), for an exclusive interview after numerous hilarious tweets @ him. Me: Haywood Jablowmi, I just want to start all of this by saying I’m a huge fan and it’s an honor to be talking to you today. Where are you traveling from? Haywood: Ay, it’s a mighty pleasure to be here as well. I be travelin’ from the ole starchless land of Ire'. Twas a mighty event for me shams and me to get through customs with all de gold and treasures and such, but alas we’ve arrived in good health. Me: Oh, no, no. The mightiest pleasure is mine. Now, I’m sure you get this a lot, but, what do you say to the people who don’t believe in leprechauns? Are leprechauns real? Haywood: I say why else would I be this bloody short and have this bloody awful orange hair? I say how do you think me uncle Lucky got so dern famous? I say what do ye take me for? A fool? Would a fool bash yer bloody shins in?

Me: That’s… not what I was expecting. Interesting. Can I ask you a personal question? Haywood: Anything ye want! Me: Is your… penis green?

Me: Umm, no? Yes? I’m not sure. Maybe we should just move on.

Haywood: Oh, no no. No penis in me body. Us leprechauns don’t procreate, we be the product of St. Patrick’s cock socks.

Haywood: Whatever ye' say.

Me: Cock socks?

Me: So, Mr. Jablowmi, can you just walk me through a normal day for you? Your morning routine, your diet, your ideal mode of transportation, etc.?

Haywood: Ye know, socks he ejaculates into. Then he leaves them out in the sun after a good rain, and if a rainbow comes out and its colors reflect on the ol sock, a baby leprechaun is born. ‘Tis a beautiful thing, really.

Haywood: Methinks I can do that! First and foremost, I wake meself at 4a.m. each and every morning to check de weather forecast and see where it’s going to rain before de sun comes up so I know where de rainbows will be. Den I brush me teeth, wipe meself down with me trusty rag, and dress meself in all green. Most of ye just have to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day to avoid getting pinched, but leprechauns must wear all green, all de time. Me life depends on it. In fact, me green leprechaun hat has never left me head.

Me: Oh, wow. That’s…um, yeah, I can’t say I knew that. I once saw a news story about a leprechaun sighting in Mobile, Alabama. Have you personally ever been to Mobile, Alabama? Haywood: Ay, sure sure. Finding leprechauns in Mobile, Alabama is about as common as finding a cock sock in the sun. So, dere’s a mighty fine chance, me thinks.

After all of dat, I go downstairs and pour meself a bowl of Lucky Charms because they’re magically delicious. And I have meself a lifetime supply. And Lucky said he’ll slit me Achilles tendons if I eat anything other than his cereal.

Me: Haywood Jablowmi, do you have time for one more question?

Me: Ever?

Me: Where does a leprechaun keep his gold?

Haywood: Methinks so. Never much cared to test that theory meself.

Haywood: Heh, methinks I’d be better off just showin’ ya this one!

Me: Hm, ok. Moving on. Is there any special significance to a double rainbow?

Me: Great!

Haywood: Of course dere is, me friend! Any time of de day that you see a double rainbow, it means that good ole’ St. Patrick himself has got an erection. It’s just a silly little tradition, but it’s a comforting reminder that he’s always watchin’ over us, even if it is with his phallus.

"There is green EVERYWHERE." - Kira, Junior

Haywood: Ye, of course, me friend.

::Haywood gets out of his seat and lies on the floor in the fetal position.:: ::Haywood grunts and releases a deafening flatulence.:: ::Gold coins come spewing out of Haywood’s b-hole.:: ::Haywood vanishes into thin air.:: Me: Oh.

"Everyone in East Lansing is outside all day long." - Jessica, Junior

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St. Patrick’s Eulogy ziev beresh wrote this

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honor the memory of St. Patrick, known to his loved ones as “Tipper.” I gave him that nickname one night when he tried to tip the waitress with the tip of his penis. Man, I’m gonna miss that guy. Among his great many accomplishments, perhaps his most famous is showing our wonderful country of Ireland the light of Christianity. That’s right. It’s thanks to this guy that no Irishman or woman can masturbate without picturing Lucifer chewing them up and spitting them out of his fiery buttholes. What about sexual freedom? But, hey, enough with pushing liberal agendas. Our friend St. Patrick, my friend Pat-attack, turned Ireland into a Christian nation rather than a pagan one. And for all of you who don’t know, I guess that’s a big deal. Pat-attack was born in Roman Britain, A.K.A. the U.K. At 16, this courageous young man was captured as a slave and taken to Ireland. There, he shepherded sheep in green meadows with Lord of the Rings-esque rolling plains in the distance: Is that probably one of the most stereotypical things an Irish person could possibly ever do? Maybe, but he worked out his slave contract, went back to Britain, got ordained as a priest, went back to Ireland, and got everyone to stop jerkin’ their gerkin’. Have you ever gotten someone to stop pleasuring themselves for the sake of God? I didn’t think so. Somewhat related to the subject of trouser snakes (and for ease of transition), St. Patrick is also famed for banishing serpents from the isle of Ireland. Seeing as how with most Chris-

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tian stories, the miraculous accomplishment is entirely impossible, I think it’s fair to say that there probably weren’t any snakes to begin with. But that was just Tipper. Always exaggerating and bragging. Mrs. Patrick is shaking her head. Oh, ok. So, St. Patrick was modest and humble and actually banished snakes from Ireland. Let’s move on to the shamrocks. Since all of you Irish pagans were assumedly too retarded to understand Christianity, my buddy Patrick brilliantly used a common garden-variety weed to illustrate the convoluted rules of his religion. Since the shamrock has three leaves, Pat designated each leaf as a part of the Holy Trinity: Guinness, Bailey’s, and Jameson. Thus, the shamrock forever became a symbol of both Ireland and the Irish Car Bomb. This is an accomplishment that’s actually cool. But of course, as his closest friend, I think all of his accomplishments are cool. Somewhat. Anyway, Patrick’s life wasn’t really about his accomplishments, it was about his love for other people. One time he slew a druid who was threatening to destroy an entire village in a blaze of pagan fire. Needless to say, the villagers were happy that the bearded bum who lived in a ditch was disposed of. He also killed both a centaur and a unicorn while they were fighting each other. He loved mythical creatures, especially eating them. Clearly, Pat-attack was a good guy, a nice priest, and a great Christian. In true Irish funeral fashion, let’s raise a toast to this wonderful man. Tipper, [raises pint of Guinness], you are a true Irishman and a true saint. Sláinte!

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The Bar Grid

January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

SATURDAY: Open at 7am! SATURDAY: Free t-shirts and breakfast Wednesday Thursday $4 Jameson, Friday Saturday $5 Guiness Daily Specials: (while supplies last) 31 1 Mondaybuffet 9pm-Close entertainment all 2 DJ Beats (Front Bar) Live DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50Specials - Pints on green beer andDJ Minze (Back Bar) all DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks day and night! Tuesday 9pm-Close your Irish favorites all day!

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Saturday: Spend St. Patty's Here! Free Breakfast Starting at 7am $3 Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors Light Aluminum pints $3 Green beer 1,000 green jello shots while they last!

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$3.50 Draft Pints $3.50 Little Black Dress Vodkas $3.00 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D

MARCH MADNESSS! 4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

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Friday Fish Fry $7.50 All you can eat fish fry!

6 7 8 9 $2.00 – Well Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) The Whirly Birds $3.00 – Premium Drafts DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13 14 15 16 $2.00 – Domestic Drafts DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) The Ice Boxers $3.00 – Bombs Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20 21 22 23 $2.50 – Call Drinks DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) STAR FARM Friday 9pm-Close DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $3.50 – All Pints 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! $3.00 – Well Drinks Half Off All Drinks, Saturday 9pm-Close 27 28 29 30 $3.50 – All Pints $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) $3.00 – Well Drinks After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Beats Sunday All Day Light, Rolling $3.00 –Bloody Mary & MimosasRock Bottles $3.00 – Pints $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint$3.50 Long Kamikazes! Islands Every Day $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

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$3.00 Bloody Marys $3.00 Mimosas $3.00 Draft Pints $8.00 Burger and Draft Pint

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MON, 3/19

$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells

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GO GREEN, GO WHITE! $2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 3/16

Beer Fest! $1 PINTS 3-12am + $3.50 Pitchers 12-close All day! BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5 Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men)

Come Try East Lansing's Best Olive Burger

Spend St. Patty's Here! Watch All the Games on Our HDTVs!

Spend St. Patty's Here!

Happy St Pat's Day! Open @ 10am! $2 Pints O' Green Beer! All You Can Eat Buffet Until 4pm! $4 4 Leaf Clover Shots, $5 Shamrock Bombs, $6 Irish Car Bombs Everyone's A Bit Irish On St. Patty's Day

SAT, 3/17

NEW HOURS, NEW DART BOARDS, NEW POOL TABLES, NEW ARCADE GAMES & NEW MENU

$2.50 Bottles of Labatt Blue, Labatt Blue Light, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian AND FREE PARKING!

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close NCAA ALL DAY!

SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 3/18

NEW HOURS, NEW DART BOARDS, NEW POOL TABLES, NEW ARCADE GAMES & NEW MENU

$2.50 Bottles of Miller Lite and Miller Genuine Draft $2.75 Shots of Jack Daniels

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings

$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 3/19

1/2 OFF NIGHT! LIVE BANDS AND ELECTRONIC DJ'S

$2.75 24oz Drafts of Labatt Blue, and Miller Light $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guinness

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings

Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 3/20

18+ Night! DJ SouthPaw and Special Guests New Menu!

$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

WED, 3/21

Fish Fry Fridays 6-close

Perch n totts basket + Pitcher = $5!

Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men) $3 Double Wells, $2 Cans $3 Long Islands

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender

of the

Week Turn ons? Muscles, guys wearing hats, and facial hair.

Age: 21 Nickname: Giggles Relationship status: Single

Turn offs? When guys have long fingernails.

If you could slap any celebrity across the face, who would it be? Justin Timberlake

How would you describe yourself in three words? Spontaneous, honest, laidback.

What is something not many people know about you? That I moved here from Maryland.

What’s the beer of your choice? Founder’s All Day IPA.

What’s the best tip you’ve ever gotten? $250

t t i u r T e i m Ja Landshar

What’s the funniest thing to happen to you on the job? Carly (another bartender) picked me up and swung me around the bar…we were both in our bathing suits.

drinking game:

throw the bag So you think you’re the cool kid at a party because you entered with a bag of Franzia yelling, “Who wants to slap the bag?” Not anymore. This game’s much cooler and much more fun, because while you are getting shitfaced on wine, it also provides an opportunity to hurt and/or injure your friends in the process. What You’ll Need: Franzia box o’ wine, drinking buddies. Level of Intoxication: You vill be speaking in zee French accent and luking super chic, non? How to Play: - Take the Franzia bag and throw it at someone. - If they catch the bag, they get to choose someone to drink for 5 seconds. - If they drop/miss the bag, they have to drink for 5 seconds. - Fake passing is allowed. Shit, it’s encouraged! If you fake a pass and someone grabs for it that you didn’t throw it to, the dumbass that went for it when he wasn’t supposed to must drink, too. The Game Ends When: Your Franzia runs out. But don’t be cheap, they’re like $10, go get another one and start the game over!

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com

Which Disney princess is the hottest? Belle Replace one word of a move title with vagina: Vagina in Boots. Shoutouts: The Landshark staff, Isra Kalifa, Phil the Thrill, Bunson, Terby, Blake, Keith and Simon.

recipe for disaster:

beer and bacon mancakes This gorgeous weather is just a tease, friends. It’s going to get cold out at least once more. And men, we know you’ll have to find ways to prove your manliness once the cold scares your little solider back into his trench. But fret no more. With this hearty breakfast that cover a man’s main three food groups—beer, bacon and pancakes—no one will ever question your manhood. What You’ll Need: Bacon, brown sugar, Bisquick pancake mix, and beer. Lots and lots of beer. Cook Time: You can finish it within one episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Fatty Factor: You may or may not clog an artery or two, but it’ll be well worth the diabetes. Let’s sKILLIT: - Heat oven to 350° and crisp up your bacon. - Sprinkle brown sugar on both sides of bacon and cook until golden brown. - Mix Bisquick, eggs and beer in a bowl until it’s silky smooth. Then add more beer (so what if it’s the morning, nobody’s even awake to judge you). - Crumble your crisp bacon into the mix. - Cook those pannies in your skillet. - Eat up! You’ll immediately throw out cereal, oatmeal, and any other breakfast food that doesn’t give you a full stomach and a morning buzz. You’re welcome.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

You’re Going to Poke Me Where? Phillip Keller wrote this Danger. Intrigue. Flavor. Cheese. These are the things on the mind of a man who puts his life on the line to bring you the latest breaking news on an empty stomach. And what better to fill it than a manhole-sized disc of dough and cheese from a local favorite? Trick question. There’s nothing better. I found the number for Gumby’s and called in my order so that I wouldn't have to wait like a chump. The man greeted me with an enthusiasm that I immediately resented. I knew something was awry, and this would not be a pleasant phone call. “GoombaS Pizza,” he said with the casual tone of someone who was not grossly mispronouncing a word. I wasn't sure if the man was delirious, mentally handicapped, or just messing with my mind. After all, he answers more drunk dials from teenagers than a suicide hotline. Maybe he misspoke. I asked him to repeat himself. He obliged. “What?” I asked. This went on for some time. Fed up with my impromptu inquisition, he asked what I would like. In my instinctual desire to obtain the truth behind this “GoombaS” business, I had forgotten why I called in the first place. I let it go, for the time being. “I'll have an order of Pokey Sticks, please.” I said. “Do you mean Pokeme Sticks?” responded the man, to my bemusement. I most certainly did not mean that. I appreciate a good

insertion joke as much as the next pervert, but why are we bringing my dinner into it? Regardless, I had to see this record straight. I ordered the cheese bread and hit the road to find some sense in all of this confusion. This could be big, I thought. There was no telling how high this went, or how high I was. I questioned everything in my life up until that point before I stopped a young man on the street to reaffirm my sense of reality. Quickly, I explained my predicament. I began with an intriguing opener, “Hey man, you’re never going to believe this,” but my warning of disbelief was immediately countered by his response. "Yeah, they changed their name like a month ago," he said with all the emotion of a sedated Mitt Romney. He then told me a tale of corporate greed and corruption. As it turns out, the locally loved eatery, Gumby’s Pizza, was bullied into submission by the faceless entities behind an old cartoon that featured a green piece of clay and his horse. Clearly this claymation sensation is popular enough among college kids that it has warranted some serious royalties. In an effort to maintain business with the littlest amount of work possible, they changed their name to GoombaS and hoped no one would notice. The informed young man walked away once the tears started welling up in my eyes. Sobbing, I wondered

how I would go on. How was I supposed to know where to buy my food without an esoteric cartoon mascot guiding me? Feeling depressed and hungrier than ever, I ultimately picked up my order and pondered this question while I ate. As the greasy goodness filled my stomach, I couldn't help but feel that I had been poked. We've all been poked. Cheesy bread may have been served that day, but justice was not. So, fuck you, GoombaS.

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The Movie Page john carter

Based on the Trailer

March 2012

Look! Disney's being kinda badass! Directed by

Andrew Stanton

starring

Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins

GRADE b Mike Benson wrote this Andrew Stanton, director of such Pixar classics as Finding Nemo and WALL-E, brings the sleek animation and witty storytelling of previous Pixar movies and translates them perfectly to fit a more mature, action-oriented, violent picture. Pixar movies, at least for me, have always represented the cutting edge of screenwriting, animation, and storytelling, even if those elements are wrapped in a thin, delicious, kiddie-friendly shell. Although John Carter doesn’t quite stack up to Pixar classics like Toy Story or Up, a touch of the Pixar flare is definitely present, creating a science-fiction action film that is at once breathtaking visually, and intriguing conceptually, which is a sigh of relief compared to the drab and unoriginal action films littering an anemic 2012 slate. John Carter follows the story of, well, John Carter— an American Civil War veteran who finds himself transported to Mars, where he discovers a lush and beautiful civilization. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Not another movie about a Civil War veteran who finds himself transplanted to Mars where he discovers a lush and beautiful civilization! Isn’t Hollywood

on dvd

coming out with any cool, original ideas?” Being that the last couple action films I’ve seen this year have come off as bad Bourne Identity rip-offs, John Carter’s science fiction premise is a breath of fresh air. Upon entering the surface of Mars, Carter is imprisoned by the Tharks, a race of green aliens. The story begins with a complex science fiction setup, but in the end adopts a classic good vs. evil plot line. Obviously the most impressive and jarring aspects of John Carter are the special effects. From the first screenshot, to almost every single frame of the film, the animation and backgrounds are absolutely breathtaking. The action scenes, which are choreographed intricately enough to not even need special effects for them to be interesting, pop out of the screen especially well thanks to the great animation. If one has the means, I would suggest witnessing John Carter in either 3-D or IMAX. Although money is tight nowadays, it is always important to see “made for 3-D” films in 3-D, due to the fact that they can seem awkward and poorly edited when viewed in 2-D. And IMAX is just bigger—bigger is always better, right mom? ;)

The only real flaw I found with the film was that, though the special effects aided greatly in things like backgrounds and fight scenes, the animated green aliens seriously lacked individuality and personality. While Disney usually succeeds in creating realistic and personable animated characters, the model for the Tharks felt bland and uninspired. Any person can think of a tall green design for an alien, but I expected more creativity from Disney. And while science-fiction action films are usually not centered around having personable and interesting animated aliens, being that John Carter is made by the same people who designed the creative and original WALL-E, a little more ingenuity was expected. All-in-all, John Carter is an exciting and worthwhile addition to the Disney canon. While it will probably never be held to the same esteem as other Disney classics, it stands alone as a great watch and fun time. As stated before, John Carter is currently playing in standard, 3-D, and IMAX formats. If ya know what’s good for ya, you would dish out the extra couple bucks and get the full experience.

mars movies!

Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube What You Need to Know: Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) use their youthful appearances to join the police force and secret Jump Street unit, going undercover in a local high school to bust up an undercover drug ring. What We Think: Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill play a funny pair of misfit cops that somehow seems relatively relatable. Obviously Tatum plays the dumb hottie very well, while Hill continues to be the cute "is he chubby or is he not?" sidekick that we all root for. If the plot has some surprise twists and turns, this movie could definitely be one of the best of the year thus far.

The Hunger Games

march 23

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth What You Need to Know: Every year in ruins that were once North America, a teenage boy and girl are forced to compete in the Hunger Games, a televised event where "tributes" must fight with each other until only one remains... or they can just get super skinny, I guess. To each their own. What We Think: Obviously this film will be that much more baller for those who have read the wildly popular books, but as far as trendy book/film combos go, this one doesn't look too shabby. Please, just no more vampires, okay?

Goon

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy The Muppets Hop

March 27 This movie has a chick This movie, based on a with three boobs. Three video game, takes place boobs! in 2046 and stars The Rock.

march 16

answers are a few from here

March 20

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close The Bodyguard (Blu-Ray) A Dangerous Method

21 Jump Street

This 1997 Disney comedy stars Harland Williams as a bumbling software developer who ends up on a mission to Mars.

Val Kilmer and Benjamin Bratt save the day (and the Mars Terraforming Project)… in 2050.

march 30

Starring: Seann William Scott, Jay Baruchel What You Need to Know: Unhappy with his job as a Boston bouncer, and shaming his accomplished family just a tad, Doug (Seann William Scott) dreams of becoming a minor league hockey superstar, even though he doesn't even know how to skate. What We Think: Oh man, that Seann William Scott, what a goon! Hah, get it? Sure, Scott never ventures far from the lovable stoner role, but he's always good for a few laughs and at least he looks good while doing it. Probably not going to be a classic comedy, it might suffice for a bong-filled Friday night.

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Maps & Atlases

Our compasses pointed due north when we were lucky enough to score an interview with loveable rockers Maps & Atlases. Guitarist Erin talks to us about keyboards, soy products and his pet Pegasus. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Beware and Be Grateful, is set to be released on April 17th. Can you talk about your progression as a band, from your EPs to Perch Patchwork to this album? How is this the next step in your sonic evolution? Erin Elders: I think it’s a continuation of things we were exploring on Perch Patchwork. On that album we really started with texture, whereas our earlier EPs were more stripped down with a lot of guitar. Here we moved on past the Perch Patchwork orchestration, but we found new ways to layer sound with crazy guitars and whatnot. I think the writing style is a steady evolution from our previous album. TBS: How does the writing process work for you guys? Erin: Every record has been different, but I think that’s what most bands hope to do, where you let the process and story behind the record be its own thing. It’s good to break out of your own habits and artistic patterns. For this record there was these group of songs [lead singer] Dave had been working on during his tour and when we had a little off time. It happened in a really stripped down way. We figured out which songs worked as an album, fleshed them out and worked it out over multiple sessions. We’d then throw as many ideas down as we could, then see what worked and what doesn’t. TBS: Considering the length of time it takes to put a record out, how much of what you work on actually ends up on a record? Erin: It’s really interesting. When you think about how much time writing, recording and playing music and you contrast it with the amount of time you actually produce the sounds that end up on the record,

cd review

out now

The Ting Tings Sounds of nowheresville Tings Ting latest sounds are from decent-ville.

The Ting Tings are an English duo consisting of one dude, Jules de Martino, and one chick, Katie White. You probably know them from their insatiable hit songs “Shut Up and Let Me Go” and “That’s Not My Name.” And like all stupidly popular songs, I don’t trust it. So, upon writing this review, I looked to Wikipedia to get the low-down, and like Wikipedia in all its wonderful glory, I found out some fun facts about the origins of this group. It turns out that when White was 12, his grandfather won 6.6 million pounds in the UK lottery, which is roughly $10.4 million in the US (god, I love the internet). Her grandfather gave each of his sons £1millon each, which includes White’s father. He used his share of the money to start a music management company and after a few attempts at starting a successful group, The Ting Tings were born. So, I didn’t want to like them. On the surface, a manufactured band that lucked out with a few sweet songs five years ago? Cool… Only their second album, Sounds from Nowheresville seems to have made an effort to fit into the current music-sphere – think Cults but with a bit more spunk and energy, or Sleigh Bells but less intense, more dancey. I’m not sure why I hated on them so much, but it probably had to do with this obnoxious girl I knew who loved “That’s Not My Name” and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Leaving the hate back in 2008, however, I gave

GRADE C

The Ting Tings another chance. Their first single “Hang it Up” is a fairly catchy tune that evokes images of hip girls in Urban Outfitters sale-rack skirts jerking around awkwardly, their version of dancing (remember that obnoxious girl I knew?). “Give it Back” has a similar beat to a certain LCD Soundsystem song and does pick up, but not nearly enough to give the track enough momentum to become worthwhile. “Guggenheim” is my favorite track on the album with the spokenword verses building up to an interestingly catchy chorus. The album tends to slow down toward the end, though, and it makes the entire thing pretty anti-climatic. Now, The Ting Tings’ question of a lifetime – would they have ever become anything without the help of granddaddy’s lucky lottery win? It’s doubtful, but that doesn’t matter - they’ve scored a few good songs, had their run, won some awards, blah blah blah, and are probably enjoying themselves anyway. They aren’t bad, and are good for some new dance tunes… but don’t expect them to stick around. Sounds Like: Cults and the 80s, separately. Download: Guggenheim, Hang it Up Listen to it When: You’re lounging around and coming down from something fun, but will quickly move onto something else.

it’s small. You have to get to that point, though. TBS: How do you strike a balance between making music you find personally gratifying, but also something your fans want to hear? Erin: It’s a tough thing. Everyone has different interests, and some are able to pursue them under the moniker of their band. But there’s other bands where an out-there record doesn’t work in the parameters of what the band is. Our band, we want to grow and change every record, but the way we move in the same direction, together, allows us to explore new things. TBS: How ambitious do you get with your sound? When you incorporate a new instrument is it out of necessity, like, “This thing makes this sound, so we will use it,” or is it, “We want to push the boundaries of how we consider ourselves as musicians”? Erin: With Beware and Be Grateful we started with these cheap Casio keyboards to get the sound up and running, and from there it was experimenting and seeing what stuck. Running with our instincts. We’ve tried doing it before, and it’s worked on certain songs. On this record, though, it helped us produce a really loose sound. TBS: You guys are headlining a tour right now. How do you prepare? Do you prepare? Erin: I think when you’re on tour it’s one of those things where you’re constantly trying to stay on schedule while being exhausted all the time. It’s basically keeping up until you crash and just stop caring about a timetable. TBS: Is there different pressure being the tour headliner? Erin: I think we’re always making sure we’re playing well and presenting the songs as best we can every night, regardless. I mean, you feel obligated to put on a good show for people who paid money to see you. Plus, how often do you get a chance to play a place like Shreveport, Louisiana? Once a year? You want to put on a good show for someone who might be seeing you for the first time. TBS: For someone who hasn’t seen you play live before, describe your show in five words or less. Erin: Four guys, lots of sound. TBS: What’s a band or artist you listen to that no one would think you like? Erin: I listen to a lot of top 40 radio. When we’re on tour peoples’ iPods get exhausted pretty quickly. I think Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” is an incredible song. TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Erin: I think a sandwich is a great culinary invention. I think a baguette, smoked tempeh, some tomato, avocado and spicy mustard. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Erin: A Pegasus seems ideal, you can ride it into town if you need to, or you can fly. TBS: The most practical of the mythical creatures.

UPCOMING RELEASES One Direction - Up All Night Meat Loaf - Hell In A Handbasket

Peter White - Here We Go Adrenaline Mob - Omerta

Lucero - Woman and Work Delta Spirit - Delta Spirit

VCMG - Ssss Soulfy - Enslaved

St. Pattyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Bingo!

Can you spot them all? If you can document your findings by taking a picture of all the costumes from above and send them in, we'll give you the prize of your dreams...first one in, wins! Bingo@theblacksheeponline.com

Nudity

Green Beer

Someone Crying

A Paddy Wagon

Drunk Old Man

Someone Asleep

Striped Socks

A Cop

A Beer bong

Greenman

Green Eggs or ham

A Fight

Leprechaun Hat

A Wipeout

Dropkick Murphys Shirt

This Sign

A Makeout

Outdoor Peeing

A Bags Game

Puke

A Drinking ticket

A Drunk asian

Marijuana paraphernalia

Indoor Sunglasses

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Gaze into my

crystal balls

Teddy Baum Cox wrote this

Oh, yes, come in, intrepid seeker. You see, I’ve recently returned from a spiritual quest (took a lot of drugs) to gaze into the future of us undergrads. My trip quickly turned sour when I fell upon a pregnant frog that looked remarkably like Snookie. Snook-Frog told me that the answers to all of life's questions could be found in my incredibly smooth balls. So, I looked. And now I will reveal the amazing things I saw. In my balls. It started off hazy, but I was in a dark and creepy basement. Before me sat a young man, his face glowing from the soft light emanating from his laptop. He was typing away furiously, commenting on every Facebook status and replying to every tweet. I crept closer hoping to see who was facing the brunt of these flames and then he turned around suddenly to expose himself. And, hey, what do you know…it was our old friend, the PoliSci student! Without skipping a beat, PoliSci kid began ranting and raving about the government and how everyone he knows is “so ignorant to what’s really going on.” He went on breathlessly about all the things he knew about and all the problems he was keen to fix as I sat there amazed by all his knowledge. I wanted to know what he did for a living— what hopes I could pass on to his fellow undergrads still in school, but then I saw it: The Best Buy polo. My head was spinning with the implica-

tions of this profound letdown, and just as his mom called out for him from upstairs, everything went hazy again. My vision now failing me, I relied on my ears for the next aural peek into the future. Among the sounds of phones ringing and papers shuffling around me, I overheard a conversation involving the words “slampiece” and “fratstar” that caught my attention. As my sight started to come back, my eyes wandered over to the frat guy—with keys to a Benz swirling around his finger and an Armani suit on, this guy looked like he was doing pretty well. Ha, I knew the business college bros wouldn’t fail us. This guy even had a nameplate on his desk! Wait…why is his desk outside of an office? Why are there two nameplates with the same last name? What is going on here? I couldn’t help but ask myself these questions. Surely this guy has a perfectly good explanation for all of this—unless…oh. He used his “business savvy” to score a job with his dad. I cried out to Snook-Frog to take me to another vision—I was done with this no-good mooch. Thankfully I blacked out again and woke up in an incredibly nice bedroom. I immediately expected a future me to come out as a male gigolo or something, but what I saw in reality left my jaw hanging—walking through the

doorway into the bedroom, I found… the nerd! And a hotass wife! How was this possible? He had zero social skills, never scored with any girls (even at Rick’s) and was a nervous wreck whenever he was asked a question. Yet, now, somehow, he was about to get freaky with a smokin’ lady. I had to quickly avert my gaze from the couple in front of me, but like a scornful parent staring right back at me, I saw what I dreaded most: A nerd with an engineering degree. As I let out a soft sign of defeat, I found myself in the forest again with SnookFrog. “So, Teddy, did you learn your lesson? Are you going to finally apply yourself in a practical field with real job prospects?” I thought about it for a minute and told her I would. She then said my trip was over and I could go. The next time I woke up, I was in my own bed and everything seemed to be in the same place I left it. I looked around to see a sign from Snook-Frog, something to tell me I wasn’t just dreaming… Although I never saw Snook-Frog again, I did find a note under my pillow that confirmed my amphibian adventures. It read, “If you go snookin’ for love in the right places, you won’t need a job anyway ;) get smushin’!”

movie trivia answers: 1) Total Recall 2) doom 3) rocketman 4) The Red Planet

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