MSU - 1/18/12 - v06i02 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 6, Issue 2 1/18/12 - 1/25/12

The Black Sheep Investigates:

Extracurricular Activity at MSU

black betty wrote this

There are almost 48,000 people who attend MSU, and over 250 registered organizations for every type of weird interest that our beloved Spartans may have. And if you can’t find that socially awkward group of people who share your very same love for underwater Dungeons and Dragons, then you have the privilege of making one yourself! But after some investigation, the mission statements that these clubs present don’t properly line up with the ideals the group actually holds dear. That said, here’s what we think the mission statements for a few MSU clubs should be instead… CLASSIC ROCK APPRECIATION SOCIETY OF SPARTANS Original statement: “To bring together classic rock fans and enjoy music together.” Our interpretation: “To bring together over-pretentious knowledge and opinions of our parents’ generation of music, and swing our dicks to see who has more vinyl records.” DISNEY INTEREST GROUP Original statement: “To create an environment for Disney enthusiasts to gather to share experiences and make friends.” Our interpretation: “To create an environment of Disney enthusiasts who refuse to let go of their childhood fantasies by passionately explaining why they believe they are more similar to one princess over another week after week.” HERP CLUB, MSU Original statement: “To educate people about the value and importance of amphibians and reptiles locally and globally.” Our interpretation: “To educate people about the use of the word ‘herp,’ by applying it to amphibians and reptiles to prevent its more common interpretation as the sexually transmitted disease also known as the ‘gift that keeps on giving’.” JEDI COUNCIL, MSU Original statement: “A place for students who are Star Wars enthusiasts to congregate around their common interest.” Our interpretation: “A place for virgin students to congregate around and govern the Order’s academies while masturbating and crying ourselves to sleep.” PARANORMAL SOCIETY, MSU Original statement: “To investigate and determine possible causes of paranormal activity.” Our interpretation: “To investigate and determine possible causes of why we were afraid of the dark and slept in our parents’ room until age fourteen.”

Other stuff

Inside

POPULAR MUSIC CLUB Original statement: “A social club to explore and examine the medium of popular music.” Our interpretation: “A social club to explore why we can’t stop listening to shitty music like Justin Bieber and Soulja Boy and examine its effects on the quality of our brain matter.” GENERAL ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST GROUP Original statement: “Bringing together students interested in saving our planet by taking a stand.” Our interpretation: “Bringing together students who aren’t afraid to obnoxiously fight for causes that are out of the reach of our state and academic funds, because we don’t want our great-great-great grandchildren’s pets to suffer from Goldfish Emphysema.” SPARTAN SKI CLUB Original statement: “A non-competitive social club for skiers and snowboarders with fun events and annual trips.” Our interpretation: “A non-competitive social club for the occasional skier and snowboarder to get together and excessively binge drink before football games, parties and any other places where people sometimes go outside and do outdoor winter activities in the snow and shit.” If there isn’t a single club or group on here that you’re interested in, you’re probably pretty normal. The good news is, The Black Sheep Club is always open. If we like you. And you’re attractive.

James H. Christianson: Our Bro and Savior How to Wear Your MSU Hoodie

The Black Sheep Recipe Corner

The life and times of history’s most important religious figure.

the first step is to get one. The next? Hang yourself with it.

We’re making a hot and ready relationship, emphasis on the hot.

see page 4

see page 5

see page 11

Table of > > > PAGE 4>>> The Top Ten

Exuses of super seniors

PAGE 5 >>

page 7 >>

From the Streets

What’s the most annoying recent fashion trend?

The Black Sheep’s Guide page 10 >> Bartender of the Week Sarah from Woody’s is crafty, to the Real World Business Functions and HighClass Luncheons.

page 6 >>

page 7 >>

contents

Party Pictures

did your weird self make it in this week?

cranky and charming, or so she says.

page 12 >> Movie Reivew: Contraband

Marky Mark and his funky bunch paint by numbers in standard action flick.

Around the Spartan page 13 >> The Black Sheep Interviews Water Cooler Volume II Draymond Green gets real about Coach Izzo.

Michigan natives Breathe Owl Breathe!

@msublacksheep Search: Black Sheep MSU

page three

pic of the week >>> did you get a fanchy schmancy smartphone for the holidays? Well, aren't you special.

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so at least you can check the bar specials while in class.

Little did Shelly know that the zombie apocalypse was about to start at midnight... with her!

Search: Black Sheep Mobile

Alright, so you are pretty special.

Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

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Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Myopiss

Rabid Radio

Helicopter His Norm

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: An act of urination that offers no daring, creativity or exciting circumstance. Shawn took a 2-tug myopiss in a well-lit bathroom, behind a double-locked door, into a toilet with the seat up.

THe top ten Excuses of Super Seniors Super seniors are (not) a rare breed here at MSU. They are the (not so) few and the (not so) proud who have been trying to get their bachelor’s degree for the last five (or more) years. You may wonder how they don’t go crazy in this intensely hardcore academic environment for so many years— after all, you barely made it through sophomore year without a panic attack. But, the truth is, these people are not who they seem. They’re liars. These are (some) of the lies that will come spewing out of their fib-holes and, of course, what they really mean. 10) "I guess I just feel like I have more to learn." Translation: "I don't know what the fuck I've been doing for these past four years. I mean, I declared a major, took the classes and passed, but there's no way I'm qualified to work in any sort of professional environment. I still eat Lunchables for fuck's sake."

James H. Christianson: Our Bro and Savior Teddy Baum Cox wrote this Gather round, children, and listen to this tale—of the first bro to ever grace our good Earth. He was a special bro, one whose self-sacrifice and timeless wisdom has given us the opportunity to bro often, bro hard and bro free of douchebaggery. You see, kids—it all started in a small town in the Upper Peninsula, where it was cold as tits. Seriously. Your nips might as well have been diamond cutters. Moving on, there was a family of simple means—a coal miner for a father, and a mother who cooked and did whatever…I'm not really sure. They had a child, which was stunning because the father totally wrapped it and the mom was on the pill. At the time, James' father, Craig, did not approve of the baby. He suspected foul play on his wife’s part (but was quickly distracted by the sudden winter, which demanded extra time at the coalmine). When Margret (James' Mom) went into labor, three bombass dudes visited their house. We are being generous with the term “house” here (since it is the Upper Peninsula and it was really more of a shack, but that’s beside the point). Answering the door, Craig was greeted by Sparty, Dantonio, and Izzo— all bearing gifts for whom they said would be the "bringer of da rage fest." They brought gifts of fitted hats, polos, and a tin of dip. After giving birth to their first son, a star shone brightly in the sky, signaling the birth of a new age—the age of the bro. (We are going to skip all the teenager stuff because nobody really cares about that and it isn't significant to the story.) When James got to Michigan State University, he saw something that brought a tear to his eyes—house parties with no drinking games, girls not being bought drinks at the bar and nerds not being beat up. Knowing this was wrong, James set out on a mission, to convert each and every student to the light. Standing upon kegs he would preach, "Let he without sin cast the first stone, but let he with gin cast the first bone… am I right fellas?!" Not only were his lessons valuable, they were also hilarious. Throughout his travels he gained followers, most notably a select 12 who were his most trusted friends. Although James was making progress in his mission, this sudden popularity was not all positive. The nerds, the

geeds and the Jersey Shore dickheads feared his growing "bro cult." They wanted to bring James and everything he did down (even though the homes he built did nothing more than house rage fests and great places to bone). Those who hated James saw a weakness— a follower of James was not a firm believer. While he dressed and acted like a bro, deep down he did not understand why he had to pay dues to hang out with obnoxious drunks. Steve was his name. Steve fucking sucked. James’ haters confronted Steve and offered him gold and treasures to tell them the whereabouts of James. He refused, but when they offered a couple half gallons of Burnett’s, he quickly succumbed to his shitty desires. Armed with this new knowledge, the nerds, geeds and Jersey Shore dickheads rolled deep to James' next party, Steve also tagged along. However, when they got there, they were shocked to find the house was empty. Not even a porch light was on. Just then, Steve's phone rang and James was on the other end. "I always knew you were a dick, Steve. We don't want you around anymore. Go hang with your new, shitty friends. Bros for life." James was able to escape their clutches and continue living the life of a bro. He coasted through college with a useless degree in Business Administration and lived a long and happy life of underachieving and binge drinking. Life was good. "But Grandpa, what did James sacrifice in the end? It seems like all he did was evade ever being caught." "He sacrificed a good house party, son. That’s one of the greatest sacrifices of them all. He stayed in that Wednesday night and now we honor him by broing out hard every chance we can. Now run along. Next week I'll tell you about Martin, East Lansing's first bar star." "Why do I get the feeling that all your stories are just parodies and straight rip off of other more ethical stories?" “That sounds like a question Steve would ask, child.”

9) “I’m not ready for real world responsibilities yet.” Translation: “The real world isn’t ready for my dumbass. The only thing I can be responsible for at this point is remember to DVR Jersey Shore every Thursday. And Siri reminds me to do that.” 8) “I lost a lot of my credits when I transferred.” Translation: “Apparently MSU is too good for the education I got at ITT Tech because not a single one of my credits transferred. To be honest, I don’t even know how I got accepted here.” 7) “I changed my major a lot…” Translation: “I watched Good Will Hunting and thought if the janitor could be a mathematician that easily, so could I. As it turns out, that’s not the case at all. But, hey, you win some, you lose some. Right?” 6) “College is just so fun. I love the lifestyle.” Translation: “The number of sweatpants in my closet greatly outweighs the number of outfits one would consider ‘appropriate’ office attire.” 5) “I am unsure what I want to do with my life.” Translation: “The only real talents I have are my ability to beat a master vampire in Skyrim and after perusing Craigslist for several minutes, there don’t seem to be too many career opportunities in that field.” 4) “I don’t want to handle the pressure of a real job every day yet.” Translation: “The only job where it’s acceptable to get drunk at least four days a week and skip whenever you please is pursuing a ‘career’ as a stay at home mom. And there is no way in hell that’s happening.” 3) “I don’t want to start paying off student loans.” Translation: “I used my student loans to buy booze, a car and an iPad. Therefore, I never got the books for class. Ipso facto, it’s likely my degree will not support my lifestyle because I’m probably not going to pass enough classes to get one.” 2) “My adviser told me to take classes I didn’t need.” Translation: “I didn’t know what an adviser was until my senior year. Who would have thought that in a school of almost 50,000 students you would have to actually be responsible for yourself?” 1) “There is no rush to graduate because there are no jobs.” Touché. Just remember, not all of us can be geniuses. Some of us have to be idiots. And for that reason, they always have job openings at your local Wal-mart. Good luck, morons!

leanne johnson wrote this

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The Black Sheep’s Guide To The Real World:

Business Functions And High-Class Luncheons justin gawel wrote this Tragically, we will not be students at Michigan State forever. Societal norms don’t want us to be waking up at noon during the week and spending our days drinking, gossiping and napping. Our adult friends will likely expect us to go on dates and spend real money, and take real showers that actually involve water instead of a simple Febreeze misting. American social etiquette will demand that attracting adult women takes more effort than getting hammered, nuding up, and seeing if any of the fish in the sea will take a nibble on your worm. The point is—when you graduate from college, the game may change… but you don’t have to let it change you. Stay gold, Ponyboys of the world. The most notable discrepancy between college and adult life is the party scene. From the movies, you probably think that most adult parties are nothing but the cool Wall Street billionaires who each blow four grams of coke, proceed onto the jacuzzi/fondue orgy, and then pay to go hunt animals at the circus. No, most adult parties are couples or business associates eating dinner, making meaningless small talk, and doing their best to avoid touchy issues (politics, religion, the murder they all helped commit). Usually the night ends around ninethirty when someone has too much wine and says something racist and their mortified spouse has to drag them home. However, hope is not lost for joining the adult world. The key is to set expectations for your behavior as low as possible before you get to the party or event. Think about it—if you’re a drunk asshole at every one of your toddler’s soccer games, wouldn’t the other parents think it were strange if you showed up to the team banquet sober and acting nice? Basically, just embody the weird, drunk, handsy, or dirty person that you are. Do this from the first day of meeting these new acquaintances onward. These new potential friends will either enjoy your oddities or shun you. If they embrace your quirks, well, that’s awesome. You now get to live up to being obnoxious, loud, or intoxicated at every function you see them

How To Wear Your MSU Hoodie ZIEV wrote this

at. Lucky you! If these people make a big scene about rejecting you and you feel embarrassed, well, you shouldn’t. You just got out of having to come up with believable lies to avoid their boring and judgmental dinner parties! If that doesn’t make you feel better about their shunning, you can always start a rumor about how they molest their children in a sex dungeon or how their company supports al-Qaeda or Rick Santorum—all disgusting things that would destroy their reputation in a heartbeat! At the end of the day, if you act like yourself, people will self-select and you will eventually find your adult-self surrounded by people like you. On the other hand, if you are just trying to climb the social ladder and impress idiots who have more money than sense, you can always fake your way into a depressing life where you’re never satisfied with how much you have. Just pepper the terms “Dow Jones,” “TenYear Lipper Averages,”and “Dick Cheney Cyborg” into enough conversations and then just smile and nod while they’re talking, and sadly, you’ll be one of them before you know it. Adult parties (as with adult life) are only boring when you make them boring.

Freshman Year: You’ve just arrived on campus. Want to fit in? You need to buy your first MSU hoodie. It will say “Michigan State” or “Spartans” on it. The color of the hoodie will often be green, grey, or whitebut pink and tie-dye are also widely available. Go ahead, try it on. Fits great, doesn’t it? That’s 100% cotton, cut to hide all indication of your natural figure if you’re small, or indicate all of your natural figure if you’re large. Now wear it every day for the first two months of school. Done? Good. Now it’s time to go home for Thanksgiving. Arrive wearing your hoodie because it’ll make your parents proud as you hand them your laundry. Eat dinner. Time to go hang out with your old high school friends, Eva and Stump. You call him that because he took dumps on tree stumps when you were kids. Drive over to Eva’s. Check it out. Both of them are wearing hoodies from their own colleges: Central and Western. You are now engaged in what is known as a “hoodie party.” This is something that occurs when everybody comes home from college, when they feel the need to show off their alma mater’s logo. Don’t be alarmed. It’s normal. Join your friends in lying to each other about all the crazy times you’re having at your college. Yeah, you totally got laid like a billion times. Now continue wearing the hoodie every day. Sophomore Year: By now the hoodie probably has some wear and tear that makes it uniquely yours. A tatter here, a spot of bleach there—perhaps some ketchup that simply won’t come out. Wear your hoodie to all football games. Now that it’s sophomore year and

you have no one to impress, wear your hoodie to parties. No more nice clothes getting ruined, and all that extra fabric makes it perfect for theft. Take to keeping two beers in the kangaroo pouch of your hoodie at all times. Junior Year: Lay your hoodie across your desk chair, but don’t wear it for a while. You need to dress better this year. Wear more business clothes if you’re gunning for internships. If you’re not: wear a pancho. Have a party at your house. Make out with a drunken hottie. Lead them up to your room. Have utterly forgettable sex. Let them wear your hoodie afterwards. Go to sleep. Wake up to find hottie and hoodie missing. Curse. Finish out the year feeling like something is missing. Study abroad during the summer and as you pack, regret not having your hoodie with you. Go abroad. Forget all about your hoodie. Senior Year: Go to a friend of a friend’s welcome week party. Get drunk. Sit down on the couch. Check to see whose coat you’re sitting on. It’s an MSU hoodie… but wait. That bleach spot. That ketchup stain. It’s dark in here, but could it be? Miraculously reclaim what’s yours and sneak out. Examine the garment in the light outside. It’s not your hoodie. Whatever. Wear it every day. Beyond: Wear your hoodie to tailgates. Wear it on weekends. Wear it on road trips. Wear it in grad school. Wear it to your baby’s birth. Wear it while you rake the lawn. Give it to your kids. Die.

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SHOUT OUTS! Court – did you really come back to our place early and move everything in my room? I can’t find anything! Just wait until you leave for a weekend… Bartender at PTs who looks a little like Jonah Hill...I like the chubbie ones. We should make use of the alley one night. -Blonde in the red tank on Monday Jake, that was an epic party, but seriously, who clogged the toilet? Thanks for not getting too mad when my friend and I peed in your trash can...-Sarah Danny, sorry we broke your TV… who knew those hand straps on the Wii remotes would have come in handy? Chris, there’s no way you are moving in with that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS! Are you ready for one last semester, girls of 412? Time to get crayyyyyyyyyyyy! First day of class... gloomy days ahead fellow Spartans... here's a shout out to all my hot pants now in storage. So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week... already broken...so sad...-Jess John, new resolution, no fatties this year. Deal? -Brian Rochester Sarah J - It was great "reconnecting" over break, but uhh...I'll see you in the summer. Cool? - Dave SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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From 'da Streets

Around the Spartan Water Cooler:

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

"What's the most annoying recent fashion trend?"

Volume II

"Guys in skinny jeans." - Maribel G., Sophomore

alex everard wrote this The last time we got a chance to listen in on the boys’ practice, we left our Spartan Basketball players pondering the nature of their coach’s brilliance, debating whether or not he possessed Jedi-like powers. As we secretly listen in once again, more clues arise… Draymond Green: (wipes brow with towel) Good practice today, boys. Way to be. (throws sweaty towel at Russell Byrd). Austin Thornton: (quenches thirst from paper cup) That’s right, keep it up and we’ll have our eyes on the B1G title! (throws aforementioned paper cup at Russell Byrd— hits Byrd in the head) KOBE! Russell Byrd: Draymond, I just don’t believe you got it this hard as an underclassman. You guys are really getting on my nerves. I’m out there, all practice long, tying your shoes, getting the— Draymond Green: I’ve heard enough whining already—you sound like John Belien. And to answer the question, no I didn’t have it as hard as you when I was an underclassman. For starters, I’m Draymond F*cking Green. I once dunked on a bear. Secondly, I was, and still am, way bigger than you. Russell Byrd: Whatever. (mutters under his breath) One day I’ll be the star. (smiles as if he were imagining Tom Izzo giving him a noogie while cutting down the net)

Top. You’re going hit a ginger with a Carrot Top joke? C’mon, you’re better than that. (grabs Russell Byrd by the arm and walks into the sound-proof training room) Look kid, your time will come. I know I’m bigger and stronger, and score more points, and sign tons of autographs, and take pictures with attractive female fans after— Russell Byrd: I get it. Draymond Green: Right. But my point is— I was like you when I was younger. You have potential. If you work hard, and you believe in the cause, you will see glory. Coach Izzo is literally the best coach on the planet. He knows things… things he’s sworn me to secrecy about… Russell Byrd: Really? Like what?! Draymond Green: Are you serious? I just said “sworn to secrecy.” Russell Byrd: Oh… Meanwhile, in the locker room… Keith Appling: What do you think Draymond is saying to Byrdman right now? Austin Thornton: Probably just giving him a pep-talk, you guys were pretty rough on him. Derrick Nix: Are you serious? You threw a crumpled paper cup at his head, hit him, and then yelled “Kobe!”

Derrick Nix: And one day, I’ll retire to the countryside and raise alpacas like I’ve always dreamed. But that day is far away, so get back to reality, Ron Weasley on steroids.

Austin Thornton: What? That went in the trash.

Travis Trice: Ha!

Austin Thornton: Damn. That shit Dray.

Keith Appling: Shut up, Kobe Trice. All you do is shoot threes all practice.

Back in the state-of-the-art sound proof training room… Draymond Green: So there you go! We have the formula to success! If you follow the goals you just set, I promise you’ll be more than happy with how your Spartan career goes. Just look at me!

Russell Byrd: Ha! Heyo, Keith “What’s Happening” Appling with the rebuttal! Keith Appling: Two things. One, never call me that again. And two, at least Trice gets the ladies—you look like Carrot Top’s estranged son. Draymond Green: Keith, shut up and go shoot a rack just for mentioning Carrot

Derrick Nix, Keith Appling, Travis Trice (simultaneously): No it didn’t.

Russell Byrd: Man, I’m just glad you think I can do it. I was starting to think I was the joke of the team. Draymond: Nah man, those are just the

dues you gotta pay to end up like Dray. Oh! I like that. I’m going to use that more often. (exits room) Unknown voice: Russell, don’t look up. Just listen to me. Russell Byrd: Coach? Is that you? (looks up) Tom Izzo: Dammit, Russ.I just said not to look up. Russell Byrd: My bad, Coach. Tom Izzo: Well, screw it now— you know my secret. Russell, I am enlightened. Like, “capital E,” Enlightened. Like Buddha. Russell Byrd: You’re Buddha?!

"Bomber Jackets... even though I'm wearing one." - J.J. M., Senior

Tom Izzo: No, I said *like* Buddha. Nevermind, forget that. I have special powers. I see and understand things like virtually no one else can. Anyway, the important thing is, I know you will succeed here. You need not fret. Russle Byrd: Ooh, I see. You’re like a Jedi. Tom Izzo: Yes, Russell. Like a Jedi. Russell Byrd: Aw, man! That explains how you’re just hovering up there. Tom Izzo: That’s not important now. You must never tell anyone what I just told you. Just know that you will one day be where you want to be, Alfred E. Neuman. Russell Byrd: Haha, good one coach. Well, thanks— it means a lot. You and Draymond really got me motivated! So, how many players know you’re enlightened? Tom Izzo: Oh, please. I’ve had this talk with Mateen Cleaves, Shannon Brown, Kalin Lucas, Draymond— tons of great players. How do you think Dray dunked on that bear? Russell Byrd: Wait, that actually happened? Tom Izzo: (gives the Tom Izzo stare) Russell Byrd: My god…

"See-through leggings." - Chrissy P., Senior

Vegas Night 2012!

@MSUVegasN ight

Raising the stakes

satuRday, JanuaRy 28th 2012 | 5pm- 1am east Lansing maRRiott @ univeRsity pLace

visit ouR website foR moRe info vegasnightmsu.com

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January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.

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Take a break and come in!

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There's football on TV, so we're not here!

$3 Pints, Calls, and Bacardi Bombs $3 Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas $8 Burger & Fries with a Pint

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6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75

MON, 1/23

$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers

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TUES, 1/24

$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands

$3 All Pints $3 Calls DJ Juan 10PM

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4.99 Burger Combo! 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $3.50 23oz Domestics, $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

Taco Tuesday Taco Trio with drink purchase, ALL DAY!

WED, 1/25

$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles

1/2 Off Wednesday 1/2 Off Everything except premiums $3.99 Basket of Wings from 4pm-9pm DJ Juan 10PM

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

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SAT, 1/21

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WED, 1/18

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$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THURS, 1/19

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close UFC tonight…Be Here! Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm.

TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 1/20

MSU Basketball at 12pm! Go Green! Go White!

$2 Pints $3 Calls

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SAT, 1/21

Football Playoffs Catch all the game actions on our big screen TVs!

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SUN, 1/22

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MON, 1/23

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TUES, 1/24

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close MSU Basketball at 8:30pm. Plus, join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

WED, 1/25

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Red Wings PLay at 7:30!

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The Bar Grid

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Bartender

of the

Week Age: 24 Major: Social Studies Relationship Status: In a relationship Describe yourself in 3 words: Crafty, cranky and charming Are you more of a country singer, a rock star or a rapper? Definitely a rapper If you were granted 3 wishes what would you wish for? 65 degree weather in January, unlimited crafting supplies, and a puppy

Sarah

Woody's

Where would you go on a dream vacation? Bolivia What is your go-to dance move? The Two-Step

drinking game

sharpshooter Hey there sharp shooter, I bet you're bored with all these tame drinking games – how’s about we get into the big leagues? What You’ll Need: Four Dixie cups per player, four different types of alcohol (all vodkas preferably), a Sharpie, and a good memory. Number of Players: Two is all you need, but the more people who play, the more you can team up to win the game. Intoxication Level: Con artists everywhere spend their entire lives plastered; you’ll get to learn what it feels like to live one night of their life. How to Play: - Write numbers 1 through 4 on the bottom of four Dixie cups. Assign these four Dixie cups to the same player. Repeat until all players have four Dixie cups labeled 1-4. - The “Sharp Shooter” secretly assigns which Dixie cup number coordinates with which vodka and pours the shots accordingly. Do not let opposing players know which cups hold which liquor. - The team then takes the four shots right in a row. After disposing of the shots, the players are allowed to come up with a strategy in order to guess which shots are which vodkas. - Each player guesses the four shots alone, and the Sharp Shooter must tell the player which shots they guessed correctly. - Any shots guessed incorrectly must be refilled and taken again before they are to be guessed again. The Game Ends When: You’ve completely demolished your short term memory.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

What do you think is the greatest invention of all time? Pam makes this baking spray with flour built right in. It may not be a big deal to everyone else, but it really makes my life easier What was the worst class you took at MSU? Logic and Reasoning If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Pizza Turn-ons? Smart boys Turn-offs? Creepy boys Which celebrity would you love to hook up with? Nathan Fillion Shout-outs! Everybody at Woody's and PJ

recipe for disaster:

butthole burner Every once in awhile, all you need is a good case of the burning shits. Seriously, we were once told that you don’t become a man until you’ve experienced such bad diarrhea that you can’t clench your butt cheeks for an entire week without crying. What you’ll need: Curry powder, cayenne pepper, four cups of Sriracha, and the Naja Jolokia, which is confirmed to be the hottest pepper on earth, and egg noodles. Cook Time: About fifteen minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll lose about ten pounds from sweating/pooping after this. Let’s get baked: -Boil 6 cups of water. -Cook the egg noodles. -Get a giant bowl, and mix together curry powder and Sriracha. -Chop up the cayenne pepper and the Naja Jolokia peppers; add to bowl. -Finally, add the noodles. -Now, put on your diaper and get ready to feel the burn. Take caution before eating this; you might actually pass out. But it’s technically a really good form of cleansing. Not to mention you can brag to all the ladies about how much spicy food you can consume. Just make sure you don’t shit your pants while bragging.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep Recipe Corner: How To Make A Hot ‘n Ready Relationship Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this Depressed? Feeling unfulfilled and unfilled? This original recipe’s easy steps will bypass all the tomfoolery of other relationship recipes. We can guarantee that instead of a doughy physique, your final result will be a relationship that will be the envy of all your lonely friends and family. Oh, and it will be healthier than any battered or buttered bullshit karma bitch diabetic Paula Deen cooks up in her kitchen.

derstands the ins and outs of your irritable bowel syndrome or your inability to throw out old underwear.)

Ingredients: -1 cup of friendship (Ask yourself, “would I be friends with this person in everyday life?” If you answered no, it’s a deal breaker.)

-2 cups of communication (You have to be able to have some things in common or else you’ll find yourselves staring at the walls or each other in awkward silences. Our suggestion: Rather than finding someone who shares the same “likes,” find someone who has the same “hates.” This way, your free time can be spent bitching about how horrendous New Girl is and judging parents with ugly children at the supermarket, the way it should be.)

-1/4 cup blend of trust and jealousy (Too much jealousy could lead to a domestic abuse case, stalking and wife beater tanks, while too much trust is just weird.) -1 cup of humor (One of the greatest mysteries of life: what do unfunny couples talk about?) -1/2 cup of horniness (If you’re as dry as a desert storm or unwilling to cough up some oral, you’re going to have some problems.) -3 tsp. of presents (Like any respectable prostitute, compensation is a must.) -2 tbsp. of curiosity (Not the going-through-old-emailslogging-into-Facebook-accounts “curiosity,” you’re confusing that with insanity.) -3/4 cup of understanding (You need someone who really un-

-1 tbsp. of tears (Just for that salty horseradish taste.) -1 cup of tolerance (How long can you stand each others’ bullshit?)

-1 tsp. of flaxseed Optional Ingredients: Depending on what you’re attracted to, feel free to jazz up the ingredients with your own choosing. For instance, if you’re a kinky sonovabitch, add 1/3 cup of crazy and a pinch of foot fetish. Directions: 1) Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and wash your hands (because we find it hard to believe that you would remember to do so without being told, you dirty bastards). 2) Throw all the ingredients in a blender. Blend on high for one minute and silently watch as your single life (and

potential happiness) purees right in front of you. (If you don’t own a blender, throw them all in a bucket and mash them together using your washed hands.) (OPTIONAL: Craving a steamy and creamy batch of make-up sex? Add 1/3 cup of high-maintenance, 4 tbsp. of annoyance, ½ cup of anger, and a handful of Bugles into a Crockpot. Let simmer for 3 hours.) 3) Pour the mixture into a casserole dish and bake in the oven for 10 minutes or until poop brown. And there you have it—a mosaic of flavors and textures to create a fully edible relationshit. Look for our new show, Recipes That Get You Laid on TLC soon!

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The Movie Page contraband

Based on the Trailer

January 2011

“Marky Mark and his funky bunch of thugs paint by the numbers in standard action flick.”

Directed by

Baltasar Kormakur

starring

Mark Wahlberg, Kate Beckinsale, Giovanni Risibi, Ben Foster

GRADE B Mike Byrnes wrote this Mark Wahlberg's latest picture, Contraband, was released in theaters Friday, January 13th. Spooky! Actually, the movie wasn't scary at all. That was a lie...Sorry. Contraband did, however, offer some pretty solid suspense and even a bit of imagination. I know, not something one could come to expect from a typical Marky Mark flick. Your loyal viewer went into this movie with the understanding that it wasn't going to be a life-changing experience, which abandoned any potential disappointment. Instead, we went in knowing it would probably be stupid, while hoping for the best. The acting wasn't great, but it wasn't that bad. The plot was fairly predictable up until the end, when Wahlberg's brilliant smuggling plan unfolds, reminding one of the end of Ocean's Eleven. All in all, it’s what one can expect, and there’s something satisfying about a movie that manages to be formulaic but still moderately entertaining, so when a sprinkle of creativity was added to Contraband’s ending, it made me forget the Wahlberg

on dvd

failure The Happening ever happened. Basically, Contraband's plot follows a similar path as the Nic Cage smash Gone in 60 Seconds, except instead of a cool, cunning Nic Cage, we were given a responsible badass in Mark Wahlberg. Also, instead of stealing cars, Mark puts a team together to smuggle $20 million in counterfeit cash and a few pounds of nose candy. Wahlberg plays an ex-smuggler whose involvement in illegal activities had to abruptly stop one day because he had a wife and two kids, but he gets sucked back into the game when his wife's brother gets involved with the wrong people and messes up a smuggling job. Mark has to get him out of the jam by doing one last run. Along with Wahlberg, Contraband's cast includes stars like Ben Foster, Kate Beckinsale, and Giovanni Risibi. You may know Risibi from The Rum Diary and Avatar. He plays the bad guy in Contraband, but he also played Nic Cage's brother in Gone in 60 Seconds. I see a pattern here and can guess that Caleb Landry Jones, the broth-

er-in-law in Contraband will be the bad guy in a movie in twelve years called Dirty Laundry. It will be about a kid who fudges up laundering money and needs to be helped by his step-brother who laundered money his entire life but had to stop because he adopted an Asian kid. Mark my words, it will happen! If anything, there’s a strong parallel between Mark Wahlberg and his newest flick. Both are relatively safe (self-serious, clean cut white male starring in a standard action movie, ya don’t say?!) entities that don’t even manage to stand out in their own genre. Wahlberg’s never going to win an Oscar, neither will Contraband, but both are necessary for filling a void in a market. The world needs action movies where guys run and things explode, and there’s only so many Tom Cruises to go around. There isn't too much more to say about Contraband. It’s a decent movie that will inevitably play on a loop on TNT in like five years. What else could a hungover college student ask for on a Sunday?

Mark wahlberg trivia

Starring: Terrence Howard, Cuba Gooding Jr., Bryan Cranston What You Need to Know: This true story takes place during World War II, when the U.S. military recruits a group of African-American fighter pilots called the Tuskegee Airmen. Despite being discriminated against as soldiers, they fuck up the Axis powers and emerge as heroes. What We Think: With a great cast and a compelling story, this film looks pretty damn good. War movies rule, freakin’ military planes rule, and Terrence Howard makes Denzel Washington look like a little bitch, even though he clearly isn’t. Seriously, Denzel, we don’t think you are.

One For the Money

jan. 27

Starring: Katherine Heigl, Jason O’Mara, Sherri Shepherd What You Need to Know: A proud Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum (Heigl) is hard-up for money and winds up getting a job at a bail bonding company as a recovery agent. Uh oh, girl with a gun! What We Think: Oh Katherine Heigl, you and your mindless roles. However, this film, based on a popular mystery series by Janet Evanovich, does looks somewhat charming and (dare we say) watch-able, possibly even enjoyable. Or maybe we just think Heigl looks a lot better with brown hair. Either way, based on her track record, we’ll probably save it for Redbox.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

The Lie Real Steel 50/50 Whistleblower

January 31 Wahlberg is distantly related to which American novelist, famous for writing The Scarlet Letter?

jan. 20

answers are a few from here

January 24

Drive The Thing Dream House The Double

Red Tails

How old was Wahlberg Mark’s older brother when he spent 45-days was in what popular 90s in jail on an ‘attempted boy band? murder’ charge?

As rapper Marky Mark, which single reached number one on the BIllboard Hot 100 chart in 1991?

jan. 27

Starring: John C. Reilly, Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller What You Need to Know: Based upon Lionel Shriver’s award-winning novel, this film explores the 15-yearrelationship between mother (Swinton) and son (Miller), as she tries to make sense of his bizarre habits and increasing malevolence against her. What We Think: This movie looks so intense, and we’re so excited. While the focus of the film is on Swinton’s uber-emotional role and, lest not forget, her crazy ass son, Reilly’s dramatic yet light-hearted performance should make the movie refreshing and comfortable. But, for real, we’re anxious to see how the son fucks shit up.

The Music Page our interview with > > > Breathe Owl Breathe This week we chatted with Trevor Hobbs of Michigan folk rockers Breathe Owl Breathe. Their latest project is a children’s book and CD duo, The Listeners/These Train Tracks. Blind or deaf, they’re the most handicap-accessible band out there.

The Black Sheep: What was the genesis of Breathe Owl Breathe? Trevor Hobbs: I was visiting a friend at Grand Valley State, and he was paired up with [frontman] Micah Middaugh. Micah was there strumming on a guitar, so I just picked up a drum. We hit it off right away, musically, and I could tell he was a character. That night we went to a party, and right away I could tell Micah had this ability to capture a room and incorporate people into his creative process. Breathe Owl Breathe started in 2004, burning CDs off a computer and decorating them with crayons. We’ve been making music ever since. TBS: When I was researching to prep for this interview, I read about how other people describe you. How would you describe the music you guys make? Trevor : Well, that’s the hardest question. TBS: How about in 5 words? Trevor: Fun, poetry, landscapes, uh… a little bit of antics. I think that’s covered by fun, actually. Story, journey, landscapes, fun, poetry. TBS: When you guys sit down to make some tunes, is there a standard approach? How do you get from a concept to a finished product? Trevor: Each song comes together in a different way. Often times we come across song ideas by accident. We do a lot of improv sessions together, we’ll just set up instruments in a random configuration and set up different ways of documenting what we’re doing. Like, we’ll have a tape recorder in one part of the room and a VHS video recorder in set up to see what those musical combinations were. A lot of times it’s unexciting stuff, but sometimes we’ll find an idea and it’s like “Whoa, let’s build a song on that! That was amazing, how did that happen?”

cd review

out now

Guided by voices Let’s Go Eat the Factory Guided by authenticity, these 90s badasses don’t disappoint.

Guided by Voices is somewhat of a cult band, and like most Hale-Bopp chasers, they’ve stayed perfectly underground. Comprised of five members, including lead man Robert Pollard, these indie rockers have been around for nearly two decades. After starting in the early 80s, the group disbanded in 2004, only to reunite in 2010. They had a slow start, playing the local scene in Dayton, Ohio (sweet airplane museum, bro!) while slowly building momentum through college rock stations. This was in 1992, and we can only truly imagine how sweet rock music was then – authentic plaid, shameless attitude, chain smoking, epic on-stage antics, etc. You know, before people tweeted every mistake celebrities did. It was awesome, we’re sure. Well, onto their newest work, Let’s Go Eat the Factory. Each song is short, perfect for our A.D.D. riddled generation. Not only that, but these sub-2 minute tunes are ideal for the first time listeners, who aren’t always anxious to commit to a 4-minute song, much less an entire album. It’s interesting, being unable to delve into a song. Instead, the album is experienced through different elements that turn a couple of guitar riffs and some singing into an actual song. There’s a lot of psychedelic noises and safe guitar progressions that can be built up and brought back down in 45 seconds. It’s kind of nice.

GRADE B-

The recording of this album is interesting too – it sounds kind of shitty… in a good way. Perhaps it was recorded in a homemade studio or maybe it got muffled during postproduction intentionally… It’s kind of like how kids these days use things like Instagram to make their high-def photos taken with a freakin’ phone look scratchy and discolored, because it’s “cool.” Maybe it’s because high-def photos are a little too nice for us, and the sepia toned, shadowed photos of our feet on a snowy train platform more accurately describe how we’re feeling. Hell, maybe GBV is releasing their latest work at just the right time. There isn’t a “catchy single” and this album isn’t “ambitious,” but it’s a perfect compilation of what they do best, which is just fine. They sound like a mix between Wilco, particularly circa early-2000s, and myriad 90s rock bands, like R.E.M. and Sonic Youth. Sure, these guys aren’t about to change their sound to fit into the 2010s (no bass drops, no sound effects, no Autotune), but for one of the last originals of the early 90s indie rock scene, they don’t need to be anything more. Sounds Like: Some average 90s rock. Download: God Loves Us, The Unsinkable Fats Domino Listen to it When: You’re feeling nostalgic, and somewhat rebellious.

What the flip are you doing at the sand dunes?

And it’s like “Oh, good thing we recorded that!” TBS: So when it comes to albums or larger, overarching themes, do you see those existing in your music because you work together and keep coming back to the same stuff, or is there not a common thread? Trevor:I think there’s a common thread but it’s more of a product of just who we are, not a deliberate thing that we want to maintain. And then at the same time that common thread is sort of dressed differently through time, like if you look back through our recordings you see different approaches to recording or different instrumentations or arrangements for a kind of song. So I think that’s changing all the time. TBS: I want to talk a little bit about your new project, the album and book The Listeners/These Train Tracks. How did you guys come to an agreement that this was something you guys were going to do? Trevor:It happened so slowly that it wasn’t like a moment in time, where there was a conversation and then we decided and then it was like “Go.” I think that’s sort of indicative of how we work on projects as a whole. I think what made it possible, like the launch of it possible, was the Kickstarter Project. We did a fundraiser and raised money to make it happen. So that was the motion that allowed it to come into reality because we knew that if we were going to do it we wanted to do it right. TBS: When you guys were doing the music for it, how did that play off of the book? Where did they weave into each other? Trevor: I think the music came first. That’s a good question, I don’t know if I’ve ever thought of that, it’s been such a long journey for this book. Thinking about it, the listeners came first, from there I think it became that it was obvious that it was also a story book. TBS: What was the rationale behind staying in Northern Michigan, as opposed to going to New York or L.A.? Trevor: It’s just where we’re from, and I think the connection to where you’re from is most important. The cabin where we make music and art is where Micah grew up, he’s been living there his whole life, in the same little plot of land. If you think about going to other places, like New York or wherever, for one, it’s just not who you are, so it would take a lot more work to fit in. But two, it just seems difficult to present anything different to the world if you are in that kind of a climate because it’s so busy. TBS: What would you consider your perfect sandwich? Trevor: Some really good cheddar cheese, some really good sourdough bread, pickles, lettuce, mayonnaise and mustard.

UPCOMING RELEASES Ani Difranco - Which Side Are You On Bombay Bicycle Club - Different Kind of Fix

Lana Del Rey -Video Games Steve Aoki - Wonderland

Attack Attack! - This Means War Juvenile - Rejuvenation

Secrets - The Ascent The Internet - Purple Naked Ladies

the riddle

Think you know the answer? Send your guess to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you might win something sweet. No... something AWESOME! Okay, it might just be sweet.

class tim e

m.a.s.h

tally

box

what does your future hold? Husband

Met At

Favorite Hobby

First Child’s Name

• Jon Stewart

• Court-ordered community service

• Tandem peeping Tom

• Destiny

• John Goodman

• Westboro Baptist Church protest

• Choreographed butchery

• Nebuchadnezzar

• Johnny Depp

• Disco Lovers Anonymous meeting

• Amateur casket building

• Dipshit

• Zombie John Wayne Gacy

• The champagne room

• Self-righteous indignation

• Krystal

Wife

Theme Wedding • Pirates of the Buttibbean

Date Night Movie of Choice

Housepet

• Ashley Tisdale • Ashley Judd

• Kris and Kim Take Two

• Weekend at Bernie’s 2

• Wild boar

• Ashley Olsen

• Our Love Is Deeper Than Our Cuts

• Gigli

• Gimp

• Ashy Larry

(Emo)

• Weapons of Ass Destruction 4

• Primordial ooze

• Threesome With Jesus

• Schindler’s List

• Giant cockroach

class tim e

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising ManagerS Anthony Dostal Alex Everard Andrew Meggert Andrew Schireson Contributing Writers Alex Everard Cristina Toscano Justin Gawel Andrew Fleming Cody Manthei Frank Sorise Samantha Shaughnessy Leanne Johnson Ziev Beresh photographer Jackie Cash

Distribution Annalise Stromsta (Manager) Anna Aiken (Helper) pr team Jessica Holli Chris Amrich campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?

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