Minny - 3/1/12 - v02i03 by The Black Sheep

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The Black Sheep

e... lik t-s e en hir ter t c ing ont th es at w t! et

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 3 2/29/12 - 3/20/12

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UMN

Oh! The Spring Breakers You’ll Meet Annie Hiner wrote this

Midterms are done and you haven’t eaten a McChicken in over a month, this can only mean one thing: it’s spring break, baby! Finally, you can show off your hot, tight, fake baked bod, and rock that new pair of douche shades. While you can hardly stand the excitement of bowl cruising in your mom’s Dodge Grand Caravan down to Daytona, South Padre, or whichever stereotypical location you chose this year, I should warn you about the spring break patrons. Southern Folk: The pack of shirtless dudes gathered around a pickup truck may appear to be the sexier version of the sometimes-too-friendly drunks at Wefest. However, these “southern gentleman” are surely another breed of humanity. These Toby Keith lovin’ dudes do know how to party, or at least they think they do. Don’t hesitate to get in the back of that old rusty truck, grab a Budweiser, and get a taste of the real Amurica. You may even fall in love with their southern charm and their accents, but this love affair will be short lived once you realize that they actually plan to wave that confederate flag the entire week. You’re definitely not in the Midwest anymore. Beach Bum Stoners: These are the type of people that walk around the beach in the scorching sand, alone, while it’s 100 degrees. They are dressed in a drug rug and approach every group of girls they come across. Whether they are selling weed, partying with spring break chicks, or both, these beach bums become daily entertainment. While it may be funny to hear them hitting on girls and talking about their plans to sit on the couch, smoke a joint, and drink a forty, you should beware. Their charming semi-retarded speech and excessive jewelry might just tempt you to give these Bradley Nowell wannabes some punany. Fratstars: You may be relaxing at the beach, and the next second you are disturbed by what seems like the paparazzi taking picture after picture of the loud obnoxious group dressed like a pack of highlighters. Don’t be let the flashes fool you, these crazy, party-loving people are just college students. If you are relaxing on the beach you may want to kill this group of people, but don’t be too cruel, you’re the one making the mistake of spending a relaxing spring break in Panama City Beach. Frat bros and sorority girls aren’t horrible people. I mean, they single handedly put party tanks on the market. So just take a few shots, and you’ll be supporting their letters, waving their flag, and rocking out to Chiddy Bang in no time.

Other stuff

Inside

Church Groups: Nothing says “buzzkill” like running into the Jesus crew right after you shotgunned six beers. These Bible bangers will certainly make you feel like shit as they gather around in a circle for prayer while you clean the sand out of your vagina. Why on earth would these Switchfootlistening, Bible groupies decide to vacation at a place surrounded by wet t-shirt contests and mud wrestling? Well, maybe it’s time you said a little prayer and followed in their footsteps. God knows you could certainly use some good karma when it comes to winning that beer pong game. Old Creepers: These sexy mofos walk around the beach stunting their Tommy Bahama swag. These old, saggy sacks

of leather may be at their midlife crisis crossroad, but they still party hard. As much fun as it may seem to walk the beach with a metal detector and your new old pal, be careful. Drinking martinis while listening to Jimmy Buffet may sound like fun and games, just remember old men want to get laid too, that’s why Viagra was invented. No matter where you go this spring break, you’ll most definitely encounter these folks. However, keep an open mind. The majority of spring breakers are just like you, hoping to get drunk and laid. Who knows, maybe you’ll even break a chastity belt or two.

It’s not a joke, either. There’s no LMFAO on it.

Sad tiiiiime passing. Where have all the goths gone, long tiiiiime ago?

The language barrier still exists. What does “alcoholic” mean anyway?

see page 4

see page 5

see page 10 Spring Break In Mexico!!!...In Your Basement

A Spring Break Playlist That Isn’t Kidding Anyone

Where Have All the Goths Gone?

Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 7>>> page 11 >>> page 12 >>>

contents

The Top Ten

things we all think in class but never really say...out loud... in class..

Party Pics and a Contest

Look at how funny and hot you guys are!

Bartender of the Issue

Jason Williams at Campus Pizza is accepting of his own demise.

Media Stereotypes You Meet on Spring Break

like the chelsea handler, that lunatic taking shots at the bar every single second you're on break.

PAGE 13 >>>

The Black Sheep Interviews: Good Old War We had a good ole chat with these Philly Indie rockers.

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY

Meet The Staff!

campus manager Luis Guitart

editorial manager Amanda Abell Advertising Managers Delaney Coyle Hannah Comer

distribution Manager Lamar Roberts

Writers Anne Hiner Katrina Nicholson

marketing team Jessica Frazier Melanie Richtman Eddie Lund

campus director Brendan Bonham Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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Definition: A homer-centric point of view in which a fan of a sport team expects success in the face of obvious failure. Even with a gutted far system, albatross contracts and a horrible outfield, Jennifer’s fantage point meant she thought the Cubs were destined for the World Series.

THe top ten Things We All Think in Class But Don't Say Out Loud If nothing else, college is a shared experience. We all have to take similar classes, we go on similar adventures and we wake up next to similar people. No doubt we all share another thing in common: we’ve all thought these things in class. 10) "I wonder if this fart would make a sound if I let it out right now. This high-risk, high-reward proposition will make or break my social standing in this class. If I get caught, doom, but if I can pass this gas off onto the kid who looks smelly, I’ll be good to go. Alright, here goes nothing..." 9) "If I sprinted out of class the second that this professor turns his head, will anyone say anything? Probably not, but screw it, I'm way too hungover to run right now."

A Spring Break Playlist That Isn’t Kidding Anyone Annie Hiner wrote this Spring break means one thing for college students: party. While getting blackout on the beach and screwing a random in the bathroom always leaves for good storytelling, the key to any successful drunkfest is, without a doubt, a banging party playlist. Though your iPod may already contain your go-to playlist, titled something along the lines of "#RAGE" or "SB Get Laid Get Paid Mix", this year you may want to take serious consideration in your spring break mix. Why not create a playlist that is actually relevant to your spring break adventures? Because, let’s be honest, we all know your spring break is more likely to involve getting multiple STDs, rather than “getting money” or “big pimping.” "Stayin’ Alive" by Bee Gees: You’ve already created your spring break bucket list. I mean, it’s not spring break unless someone shows their boobs, gets arrested, and throws a punch in a bar fight. As funny as it would be to see your friend make out with an old lady, make sure your priorities are straight. Staying alive should be number one any college students list. So maybe don’t take a ride from that toothless stranger, or have a power hour with Everclear. Load on that SPF 100 sunscreen and sing it loud and proud because this spring break, despite everyone’s prediction, you’re staying alive…ahh ahh ahh ahh, staying alive. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse: It isn’t alcoholism until you graduate right? Yet, after any 7 a.m. shot of Smirnoff chased with a warm, two day old Milwaukee’s Best, you begin to question yourself. It’s normal to piss the bed at age 22, right? Blowing chunks in the middle of your sloppy rendition of "Don’t Stop Believing" during karaoke night just shows how big of a party animal you are, right? So what if you haven’t taken a sober picture in over 6 months? Luckily, pathetic or not, this is actually normal behavior. Rehab? No, no, no. Why? Because it’s spring break, drink up bitches! However, once these four years are over and you’re still pounding Four Lokos at noon, you may want to consider saying yes to that rehab question. "Somebody to Love" by Queen: As a college student, you work hard every day. Therefore, you not only deserve the vacation of a lifetime, but certainly a good bang sesh to go along with it. Why else would you have spent your last two paychecks on a gym and

tan membership? It’s time to get it in, yet two o’clock is approaching and you are still perched up alone at the bar drowning your lonesome sorrows. While you are fantasizing about earlier when you covered a group of hot girls’ tits in whipped cream, you realize you have already reached your peak. Can anybody find you somebody to love? Probably not, but my friend, it’s time you lowered your standards. It’s 1:58 and time is wasting, even that beached whale would do at this point. "Catch my Disease" by Ben Lee: There is nothing worse than waking up with your ears ringing, head pounding, stomach churning, and laying next to someone that looked way better at 1:58, right? Well, it can get worse. Drunk and horny spring break judgment can result in much more than a dizzy, awkward morning. This year, a cute little shot glass may not be the only souvenir you bring home. Sure, peeing may now be a painful experience, but it’s simply because this spring break you opened much more than your heart, and caught that disease, and that is not the way you like it. "I Need A Dollar" by Aloe Blacc: Buying a round of shots for ten strangers seemed like a good idea at the time, we’ve all been there. I mean, you were the coolest person at the bar for like 30 whole minutes. Not to mention that straw hat and tie-dyed spring break tee. They were probably the best purchase of the night, of course you’ll wear it again! However, let’s be honest, all of that sun you got on vacation gives you the delusional impression that you’ve been spending Monopoly money the entire week. Unfortunately, vacations end, bank accounts go empty, and you’ll definitely never find a dollar inside a bottle. So as your vacation comes to a close, and you enter reality (even if reality means getting that Subway visor on and going back to work) you suck it up and go because dollars are what you need, hey hey. Don’t clog your iPod with nonsense spring break party lists, who are you kidding? You are no party rocker. You are just a drunk, gonorrhea-infested college student. So this year, be sure to let your party playlist really reflect the adventures that are awaiting you on your spring break. Have fun, and use a condom, you don’t want it to hurt next time you piss the bed.

8) "What do you mean the only seats available are in the front row? How am I supposed to space out when the professor’s only a few feet away from me?” 7) "Shit, we have a test today? I’m screwed. Alright, calm down. I've cheated my face off before and I'll do it again. Now which person in this room looks the smartest?" 6) "You take attendance? In other words, you give me credit for sitting in this lecture hall and playing Temple Run? Sweet, I’ve been looking to crack the 2 million point barrier." 5) “God, I’m not sure why, but I really, really don’t like that guy who sits in the front right corner. I mean why does he wear his hat so stupidly? And why is he wearing shoes? I bet he thinks he’s like, the mayor of Shoeville. Fuck that guy.” 4.) “I wonder what my teacher is like on the weekends. I wonder if he has kinky sex with his wife? I wonder if he’s into some really freaky porn. Yeah. I bet this dude totally gets off to chicks blowing horses.” 3) “My TA is so hot. My TA is so hot. My TA is so hot. Damn. I should look him up on Facebook. Wait—this dude’s 33? Yeah, he should make his account private if he wants any classroom tail. 2) “Why can’t this stupid teacher stop talking for one goddamn second? This material is so useless it doesn’t even relate to the course, there are so many things I could be doing, How I Met Your Mother reruns are on FX right now!” 1) “This bitch in the front really needs to stop raising her hand. Again?! Really? Quit volunteering, you’re making the rest of us look bad. Don’t give me that look, obviously I didn’t do the reading, and yes, I am taking this class because it’s a degree requirement.”

our staff wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com

where have all the goths gone? Katrina Nicholson wrote this Looking back on my first day on campus, I can only remember how ridiculously overwhelming it was. I was in a different city, different state, and a different part of the country. There was not a single familiar face to be found. I was in this alone, and it was going to be tough. Luckily, there were things that reminded me of home and gave me a false sense of security. The overweight dining hall lady reminded me of the average woman walking around the Mall of America, the angry yells of the subway driver reminded me of Barb the bus driver in high school, even the sorority biddies in Uggs, yoga pants and North Face jackets reminded me of girls from high school. In fact, nearly all of the cliques from high school were still present at on my new, huge campus. That is all except one… The clique missing was the goths. Where are they? I looked everywhere and could not find them on campus. Everyone knows the group I'm talking about. They are the people with giant black pants that have chains and various metal studs on them. If you throw on a red mohawk and perhaps a couple hundred facial piercings, you've got a prime one. The thing is, it's not all that hard to be a goth, so is there a reason for the shortage? I used to be able to hear the soft clanging of their chains against their metal spike bracelets and the loud drone of screamo music from the headphones around their neck. Their straight faces, usually masked with black lipstick and eyeliner, haunted me at all hours. I spent days and days looking for remnants of their existence. One day I came upon a lone poster of Marilyn Manson. I tore it from the wall in excitement and on the back was an

elaborate map with directions to a tiny island off the coast of Iceland. According to scrawling on the map, this island is the home to the entire goth population of the world. They've colonized there and decided to start an entirely new population where children are taught to practice goth cultural traditions at birth. It appears that you must be connected in some way with the goth community in order to obtain entry into this island. Sadly, this means all outside connection with the goths is lost. They will be truly missed. This, however, is only one theory. And there are many others. One of the other theories involves a gruesome battle between the goths and the hipsters. It happened in late 2009 where the two groups met in the streets of New York and an intense war commenced. The war lasted eight weeks and many lives were lost on both sides. Unfortunately for the goths, they became severely outnumbered and they had to throw in the towel. And by towel, I mean the black studded handkerchief. Apparently, the goths tried various war strategies, but the hipsters had already heard of them years before. This theory is preferable for many scientists because it explains the explosion of hipsters across the nation. Most widely accepted is the theory that the goths all simultaneously realized that they were trying too hard and assimilated into society. This theory has not been tested or heavily researched but it seems probable. They discovered that their deliberate effort to “express themselves” was tacky and counterproductive to their quest of self-discovery. The day they came to this realization is nearly impossible to imagine. Most likely, they thought to themselves, “Wait, why

am I wearing these ill fitting pants, and what the fuck is with these chains? I look ridiculous. Hipster is so much better. I don’t even need to wear makeup! Let alone shower…” I know I speak for a lot of people when I say the goths will be missed. Their rugged individualism and constant strife for disapproval and alienation will leave a gap in all of our lives. When we're having a bad day, we can no longer look to the goths and think, “At least I'm not as angry as them.” Forever we will move forward with their dark memory lingering in our high school yearbooks. While the truth may never be revealed, the most we can do is put a little black lipstick on and pay our respects to the infamous goths. RIP.

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Karaoke Night w/ Ick at 10PM! $2.50 LITs, $2 Coors Lite Pints $2.50 Bacardi Drinks & $3 Cherry Bombs (9pm-close)

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S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close

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Spring Break Mexico! ... In Your Parent's Basement

Katrina Nicholson wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com Not all of us can afford that awesome spring break package to Puerto Vallarta or Cancun. Some of us are forced to go home and spend that one week off sulking in our parents' basement playing World of Warcraft and League of Legends. But seriously... That's what I'm doing. You can bet that I'm going to recreate Mexico in my parents' basement and it's gonna be a hell of a lot cheaper than the actual thing. Here's how to do it in 5 simple steps: Crank up the heat: This is Minnesota, so I have to crank the heat up to 96 degrees. Your parents will not be okay with this, so you have to be sneaky and raise it 10 degrees each day. This will usually buy you a few days where they think the heater is broken and then another 4 days waiting for the repair man. The heat is essential to build in the realistic atmosphere. If it's in the budget, you could also rent some spotlights to make it seem like you're actually getting some sun. We all know that in reality you'll actually be sitting inside with no sun, losing pigment rapidly. But the whole vampire thing is in style, right? Load up on liquor: Get tequila! Lots of it! Spice things up and get some crappy margarita mixes too, the fruitier the better. The more liquor you have, the more realistic this vacation will become. The most important thing to keep in mind, however, is that you cannot buy wine or champagne or anything nice. You must buy the lowest quality, highest proof liquor that you can find. Think of it like this, if you were in Mexico would you really care what you're drinking? No. You would just want to get as drunk as possible as fast as possible. Invite the other losers: There are bound to be a few other people that are home for spring break. Tell them how much liquor you have and I guarantee they will be inclined to join you. Do not mention the fact that you've done nothing all day but play WoW and surf Reddit. This is key if you want any normal people to show up. If you don't think you can get people to

show up you might consider going on a dating site and inviting some of the local singles. That's cheap and it may end up getting you a realistic Mexico-level regrettable hook-up. The possibilities are endless! If you really don't think you can do either of those options, you might consider hiring some actors. If worst really comes to worst, you might want to just invite your pets down for the party. They won't judge you. Blast house music: House music is sort of becoming the new thing for people to pretend they really like but actually have no knowledge of. For example a girl will say “Oh my gosh I totally love Avicii!” And you may inquire what songs she enjoys by him and she will say “Uhhh like IDK Levelzz?” The best advice I have to give is that you cannot be this girl. But if you want to be cool you have to pretend you know some house music. People will flock to pretend they like house music. The best way to pretend you know things about music you actually have no clue about is Pandora. So get on that as soon as possible. Post obnoxious status updates on Facebook: If you're not into the whole Facebook thing then go ahead and tweet every 5 minutes. Just make sure the status says something to the degree of: “MEXICO 2012 GET HAMMED!” or “WOOO! TIME TO PARTYYYYY MEXICOOOOOO!” or maybe even pretend you're already drunk “soooooooo drubnk mciecxo si sckk1!!!!!!!!”. Just anything to assert the fact that you are indeed in Mexico and you are consuming large amounts of liquor. You will be slightly behind the others for not having pictures to supplement, but just make up for it with added obnoxiousness. So there you have it, the cost is much less and you'll have just as much fun. No one even needs to know that you haven't left home! Don't get down on yourself for being so uncool, everything is going to work out in your favor. Best of luck, and don't forget the liquor.

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Bartender

of the

Issue Nickname: Yao

Favorite Bar: The Herkimer

Favorite Drink: Rumple Minze

Three Wishes: An unlimited free bar tab wherever I drink, never having to pay medical bills, the ability to jump through time and space.

Pet Peeve: People asking questions with obvious answers, like how big a large pizza is. Hangover Cure: Get up and have another drink, or Powerade.

ms a i l l i W n o s Ja a campus pizz

Porn Name: "Jackhammer Jason" Spring Break Plans: Working.

The Worst Overheard: At my previous job the bar was by the bathroom and I would always hear ladies talking about their Favorite Musician: Frank Sinatra bowel movements in detail. From the frequency to the color. or Johnny Cash It was gross and awkward. Favorite Quote: Jack Nicholson from The Departed, "We're all dying, act accordingly."

drinking game:

party twister

recipe for disaster:

irish bananas

There’s no better feeling than destroying the innocence of your childhood with massive amounts of alcohol. Next to the Arthur drinking game, Drunk Twister is the best way to do it. Grab a few friends, a couple hundred dollars worth of liquor and beer, and you’ve got yourself a night you’ll never remember.

Unofficial is right around the corner, and as much as we all love Dr. Seuss, the joke is overdone. Don’t be the schmuck trying to impress people with your green eggs and ham. Green eggs and ham are out; Irish Bananas are in!

What You’ll Need: Twister mat and spinner, hard alcohol, beer, and 24 shot glasses. Number of Players: Two or more people, preferably hot and naked girls. Level of Intoxication: Pretty high, even worse if you’re an uncoordinated fuck.

What You’ll Need: Butter, brown sugar, Irish whiskey, bananas, vanilla ice cream. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Don’t let the bananas fool you; there is absolutely no nutritional benefit to these babies.

How to Play: - Set up the game mat: place a shot of beer on each blue and green circle and a shot of your choice of hard alcohol on each red and yellow circle. - One person takes control of the spinner. He or she must take a shot of beer every time the spinner lands on blue or green. If the pointer lands on the line, the spinner has to chug a beer for spinning like a dumbass. - For each turn, the player who is up moves his or her body part to the color that is called out by the spinner. Before securing their position, the player must finish the shot in the circle. - Once a shot glass has been taken off a circle, that spot can no longer be used for another turn. - If at any time a player falls over on to the mat, he or she must chug a beer for every fallen shot glass. The Game Ends When: There are no more shot glasses on the mat or the naked girls have just turned it in to a giant orgy.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com

Let’s Get Baked: - Melt butter in a skillet. - Stir in brown sugar and whiskey until the whiskey reduces and turns syrupy. - Add bananas to the skillet and simmer until bananas are glazed with the syrup. - Serve immediately with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. - It’s just that simple. Drunk people everywhere will flock to your party when they hear you are making this alcoholic delicacy, so be sure to make enough for all the friends you’ll meet when you’re drunk but never talk to again. They’re the best!

the media stereotypes you meet

on spring break! the the chelsea handler ted mosby He’s been your best friend since Jeremy Daniel gave you simultaneous wedgies in the fifth grade. You dormed together freshman year, but when you rushed he decided to chat with his three-statesaway girlfriend over Skype. It wasn’t until his junior year that he discovered she was cheating on him. Though you rarely talk these days, you decided to invite him on spring break. Now you’re in club dancing with hawt womenz as he shoots you “please come end my boredom” daggers from across the room. You let your slam-dunk slam piece go and mosey his way. “Dude, there’s hundreds of sluts here for you to bone,” you mutter. “I don’t want to talk to any of them,” he downtroddenly claims. You give him a half dozen “How ‘bout her?” options, but it’s always, “Too fat,” “Too skinny,” “Weird freckle,” “Missing a leg.” You’re regretting that invite, as you hate him almost as much as he hates himself.

Before leaving for spring break she excitedly shows you a shirt she bought for the vacation. You frown as she unfurls it, so she feels the need to explain, “It says ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’! Get it?! Plus, it’s white, which will be absolutely perfect for a wet t-shirt contest.” Yes, she’s an attention whore, but that doesn’t take away from her more normal whoreish qualities. As you roll into Panama City Beach, she demands the group stops at Wal-Mart before checking into the hotel because she wants to do a vodka shot minutes after the gang gets into the room. Over break she’ll claim to invent the “tan nap,” which is really just an excuse for her to pass out next to the pool. This is fine, she needs all the rest she can get, what with the stop-start self-esteem sex she has with a different, flaccid, barely-conscious dude in your bathroom each night.

the annie walker She sidles up next to you at the bar and within minutes you’re smitten. She’s cute and she’s sucking back shots faster than the bartender can pour them. The two of you trade adorably awkward glances because, hey, you’re both the shy type. Finally serendipity strikes when you both turn to each other and say, “Hi, I’m--,” bursting out in laughter an instant later. The glimmer in her eye and the stirring in your swim trunks both indicate things are going well until she says something goofy. Shit hits the fan. The conversation’s momentum dies and the glimmer in her eye turns into a glassy shell that does little more than hold in orbs that are just waiting to bulge out of her head. She’s stumbling over her words, stumbling to the bathroom and she tumbles to the ground just as she covers it in a thin puddle of puke. Feel free to give yourself a mental high-five, acting like an ass is what those low self-esteem hotties do.

It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a fictional character on spring break, unless you have some really, really good ‘shrooms. Still, you’ll certainly meet someone that’ll remind you of that one guy you saw in a movie that one time. Like these folks! By: Brendan

the van wilder You’ll spot the Van Wilder from a few dozen yards away. His hot, oiled body glistening in the sun, his perfectlycoiffed hair reaching for the sky as though even his keratin is surrendering to his sparkling blue eyes just a few inches south. Guy or girl, your knees quiver in anticipation as you pray he talks to you. He asks, “Hey, need a beer?” as you rush to tumble a sloppy “Yes!” out of your mouth. He murmurs, “Alright man, give me twenty bucks and I’ll be back with a case in a few.” What? You begin to catch on. Those flip-flops look like they cost several hundred dollars, and his board shorts look to be a brand you can barely pronounce. This guy’s gotta be north of thirty. What kind of grown-up douchebag still celebrates spring break?

the taco macarthur the Leslie Knope You open your eyes, roll over and look at the bedside clock. It’s 10:15 a.m. Four hours of sleep? Jesus. You will yourself out of bed because there’s only two days of break left and much tanning left to do. You angrily stumble into the bathroom only to realize she did it again. Taped to your mirror is the day’s itinerary: 10:30 a.m. mani-pedi followed by a 11:15a.m.-1:30p.m. spa session? Doesn’t she know that you just want to eat a stale bagel from the continental breakfast, slam a beer and hit the beach? She’s everything you love in a person: Organized, driven, adventurous and loyal, but she can’t get the notion that you just want to sit around drinking beer on the beach through her very pretty skull. You hear her rustling around in the living room, so you decide to hide in the closet until it’s 10:35. You’d chip your manicure cracking open beers anyway.

You’re barely out of the state before you have to scream at him for casually lighting up a spliff in your back seat without asking. He barely utters a word during the entire 18-hour journey, tossing in a “Yeah, cool, whatever.” when you periodically ask him if he’s still alive. You exit your condo’s bathroom only to discover a text message claiming he’s gone down to the beach to smoke an apple bong with some girl he met in the elevator. Every night you stumble home from the club frustrated that you’re still not getting laid, and every night you walk into the room and he’s there with a half dozen girls he met on the beach. The rational part of you wants to hate him for succeeding with minimal effort when you fail while trying so very, very hard. Your penis loves him though, because hey, tits.

the music page the black sheep interviews:

Good Old War

Usually wars divide, but Philly indie group Good Old War actually spawned from another band’s split. With new album Come Back as Rain due out March 6th the band is embarking on a nationwide tour to support the release. We sat down with drummer Tim Arnold to talk about music, touring and sandwiches. The Black Sheep: In a couple weeks your new album Come Back as Rain drops. Can you talk about how you guys go about creating an album? Tim Arnold: Usually Keith and Dan bring some ideas to the table, we’ll listen to them and we’ll decide what we’re going to do. I’ll lay down a drum beat, we’ll get some harmonies and we’ll have a song. For Come Back as Rain I wrote a little more, and we broke each stage of the music down together. We wanted to really get our mitts on everything. TBS: You mentioned you participated more on the writing of this album. Was that a personal decision? Were you asked to write more? Tim: It was a natural thing. There was no pressure, Keith and I would get together and I would have ideas for parts. TBS: With three different people giving artistic input how do you make sure a tune stays within the larger theme your music has? Tim: Well, here’s an example: There were a couple of songs on this new album that started out as electronic beats with a good melody. They were a little dark, but after everyone in the band goes through them and does their thing, the end result is a Good Old War song.

cd review

out now

fun. some nights The latest from former Format front man is inevitably very fun.

For those who are completely out of the loop, fun. is the byproduct of Nate Ruess’ genius. Having been the lead singer for The Format, a band who exemplifies the sound of indie pop in the early 2000s (surely you remember it all— Relient K, Jack’s Mannequin, Death Cab, etc.), but they unfortunately broke up in 2008 after releasing two great albums. Lucky for us, Ruess got the hell out of Arizona and into New York City, forming his now successful group fun. with Andrew Dost of Anathallo and Jack Antonoff of Steel Train. And my, how they have blown up! Gaining attention after having one of their songs featured in a Chevy commercial that originally aired during this year’s Super Bowl, their sophomore release Some Nights might finally catapult them into mainstream success. The thing about fun. is that you’ve got to appreciate and possibly learn to love Ruess’ theatrical voice and sound— so, understandably not for everybody. Having been compared to voices like Freddie Mercury, fun.’s sound is amusingly similar to a circus; it’s over the top, loud, entertaining, and upbeat even when the lyrics are not. The album starts off inspired and leads into the aforementioned Super Bowl-featured tune, “We Are Young.” Though the song is good with the inevitably catchy, chanting chorus that’ll make anyone stop and listen, it’s by far not the only track worth noting. The album continues on with surprising auto-tune (“Stars,” a great song… but seriously with auto-tune), brief moments of strange

GRADE B+

electronic (“It Gets Better”) and gospel like intensity (at least a few moments in almost every song). Though there is a similarity in all of the songs, each track has its own unique sound that leaves the album interesting rather than predictable. Though fun. is different than The Format, their sounds are not entirely too far off due to Ruess’s unique voice and once in awhile the former bands’ sounds can’t help but come out. “All Alright” is definitely reminiscent of his former band—deep, passionate sounds that Format fans love and remember, and of course the depressing lyrics that no one wants to admit being able to relate to, but true nonetheless. Fun. overall is much, much more upbeat than The Format and it’s wonderful to see Ruess’ second project not fall flat on his face like it could have. So, the sophomore curse? Please – Ruess’ sophomore release with his sophomore band is just as good as ever. It’s amazing to see a talented artist have produced great music with his former band, change as people naturally do and follow his heart in a new direction, and continue to produce new, quality music. Well done, Ruess; we look forward to continue growing up with you. Sounds Like: A mainstream circus. Download: All Alright, Why Am I The One, We Are Young Listen to it When: Your spring break road trip, of course.

TBS: When you’re writing for an album where do you get your subject matter? Tim: For the most part it’s just persona experiences and writing what you know. Sometime we’ll have a little fun and make up some stories, but mostly it’s family, girls, stuff like that. TBS: You’re from Philadelphia and Come Back as Rain was recorded in Omaha, Nebraska. Why? Tim: We want to be a place with no distractions. If we recorded in Philly there’d be wives and babies and friends to take care of. TBS: You guys are gearing up for a two-month long tour. What kind of preparation goes into making sure you’re mentally and physically sound for it? Tim: I feel like it’s mostly rehearsing. By the end of the tour you’re tight from playing all the time, but at the beginning it can be dodgy. There’s not a whole lot of physical preparation or anything, I feel pretty natural on the road. TBS: You guys have played really huge shows like Coachella and tiny shows; do you prefer one or the other? Tim: I just prefer people there singing along. If there’s a few people singing in a small venue, it’s way better than a huge venue where no one gives a shit. Coachella was amazing, though we played at 11:30a.m. TBS: Is 11:30a.m. the earliest show you’ve ever played? Tim: No, we’ve played really early morning shows. TBS: TV gigs like Good Morning Philadelphia? Tim: Yeah, exactly. When we played that, we were on at like, 7a.m. It was horrible. TBS: For anyone who hasn’t seen a live show of Good Old War before, how would you describe one to them? Tim: I feel like it’s a campfire with friends where you play songs together and sing along like friends. TBS: If your music was most analogous to a movie, what would it be? Tim: Badlands TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Tim: A bed of lettuce, mustard, turkey, pepper jack cheese on some toasted rye bread. TBS: What are you drinking? Tim: Budweiser and Jack Daniels.

UPCOMING RELEASES Bruce Springsteen - Wrecking Ball Todd Snider - Agnostic Hymns & Stoner Fables

Andrew Bird - Break it Yourself

Fireflight - Now

Magnetic Fields - Love at the Bottom of the Sea Kaiser Cheifs - Start the Revolution Without Me

Good Old War - Come Back as Rain White Rabbits - Milk Famous

test your knowledge

Yoga Position or Sex Position?

Are you a dog just looking for a quick bone no matter the cost, or are you a yoga guru who’ll bend over backwards for a glimpse of physical and mental enlightenment? Maybe you’re a bendy bang baron who wants the best of both worlds. Without having to pick someone up at the bar, being able to identify which of the titles below are sex positions and which are yoga positions is the best way to find out where you fall on the stretchy sex spectrum.By: Brendan

1. Basset Hound 2. Half Moon 3. Bound Angle 4. Brute 5. Foot Behind Head 6. Cow Face 7. Bent Spoon 8. Full Boat 9. Royal Pigeon 10. Final Furlong answer key: 1. Sex 2. Yoga 3. Yoga 4. Sex 5. Yoga 6. Yoga 7. Sex 8. Yoga 9. Yoga 10. Sex

11. Yoga 12. Sex 13. Sex 14. Yoga 15. Yoga 16. Yoga 17. Sex 18. Sex 19. Yoga 20. Sex

11. Corpse Pose 12. Golden Gate 13. Viennese Oyster 14. Upside-Down Tortoise 15. Corn Tree 16. Downward Facing Dog 17. Suspended Congress 18. Amazon Reverse 19. Four-Limbed Staff 20. See-Saw

results 0-6 Correct: Stiff and Sexless You’d bend over backward for some sweet sack time, but your joints don’t quite move that way. The one time you got laid last Halloween you pulled a hammy a minute into missionary, but it was still the highlight of your year.

7-13 Correct: Bendy but Boring You touch your toes during warmups, but even then you find it an improper display of your sexuality. You’d loosen up a little more— both physically and mentally—but you’re pretty sure there’s some passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t.

14-20 Correct: The Flexible Fornicator “Freaky” doesn’t begin to describe the ways you loosen up or go down. Your life motto would be, “A leg behind the head means a freak in the bed,” you know, if people actually said that.

class tim e Holy ___1___ I’m exhausted, but I’m not about to pussy out on my last night in ___2___. I’m really hoping to run into that ___3___ look-alike again, man he was good in the sack. Well, by sack I mean ___4___ but you understand. And now that I’m not burnt like a ___5___ and my ___6___ has cleared up a bit, I’m looking better than ever! Sure, the tattoo of ___7___’s face on my ___8___ probably isn’t going to be so funny once I get home but, hey, isn’t that was spring break is for? Making mistakes? Like (lol) flashing my ___9___ during the ___10___ show at the beach, getting kicked out and slipping in a pile of spilled ___11___-margaritas, then lapping it up like a dog? #embarrassing But Thursday afternoon was the most ridiculous. Meeting those cuties from ___12___ and bonging ___13___ was epic! Well until I saw his uncircumcised you-know-what. But it was fine, we smoked some ___14___ and got so blazed we were watching ___15___-dubbed ___16___ videos on YouTube, and mowing the shit out of some ___17___. Then banged. It was bliss, basically. But tonight… tonight we go hard. Listen to some ___18___, drink my ___19___ + Diet Coke and wear the outfit I’ve been waiting for all week – my ___20___-skin dress! Ahh!!!

1) body part 2) spring break hot spot 3) D-list celebrity 4) place in a bar 5) red food 6) STD 7) 90s pop diva 8) gross Body Part 9) body part 10) b-list rapper 11) nasty fruit

12) European country 13) imported beer 14) silly weed name 15) weird electronic artist 16) Animal 17) drunk food 18) bad mainstream rapper 19) flavored vodka 20) Animal

class tim e

the madlib: last night of spring break

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