UMN - 3/22/12 - v02i04 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 4 3/22/12 - 4/12/12

The Embarrassingly Awkward Moments Walking to Class Annie Hiner wrote this

Asking why college students love ditching class is a fairly stupid question. Class is often pointless, which is why students sit on their laptops Facebook stalking beaus and bros while finding recipes they’ll never use on Pinterest. At least you get participation points, right? The problem is, getting there is half the battle. Despite the fact it’s been a Minnesota winter that even a southerner could handle, walking to class is always an unavoidably awkward experience. Wardrobe Mishaps: You can get away with wearing anything around this campus. I mean, I’ve seen people walking around campus dressed like pirates. But there is nothing like that subconscious feeling you get when your outfit goes seriously wrong. Minnesota weather is unpredictable, yet who wants to be the asshole wearing shorts in 15-degree weather? You should know that uncomfortable feeling you have where you feel like everyone is staring at your isn’t just in your head. Not only is everyone staring at you, but they are judging you to the extreme. Looking Like a Freshman: By senior year you should have this campus figured out, right? Well, most of us have learned by now not to wear our welcome week shirts out in public, and lanyards around your neck are definitely not a fashion “do.” When you’re that guy, begging the Campus Connector driver to pull over, or you have to pull out your Gopher Guide to find Ford Hall, it’s hard not to feel like a completely idiotic freshman. Most will pull out their cell phones and act casual, like they meant to walk in a circle around the same building…twenty times. Yeah, that definitely shows everyone how cool and experienced you are. Tripping and Falling: Everyone knows the feeling, you decide to wear your new, kick-ass shoes on the walk to class, but once you step outside you know it isn’t going to end well. The ice has melted and it is just a little too slippery. You stay very cautious as you walk, making sure each step is carefully thought out. You slip a little, but manage to save yourself, phew. Yet, just when you think all is well, you stumble once more, and once again you try to save yourself, but then you realize it’s too late…you fell on your ass. What to do now? Do you laugh at yourself? Do you cry? Most people get up and act like nothing happened, while feeling the stares and giggles shatter their ego. Good thing you wore those new shoes, look who’s cool now.

Other stuff

Inside

The Infamous “Should I Say Hi?”: Not even falling on your ass can top this uncomfortable situation. As you are walking down the Washington Bridge you spot that person. This person could be your high school friend that became a vegan, some dude you regrettably banged after too many shots of Sailor Jerry’s, or even some random drunk girl you met in the bathroom. No matter how you met them, this person forces you to overanalyze whether or not you should say hi. You begin to list the pros and cons in your head as the person wanders closer. Should you put your head down and act as if you just received a text? Should you gaze off and stare at the beautiful river? Time runs out and you finally decide that you should just man up and say hi, what’s the worst

“Pooping girls” didn’t make our list, for obvious reasons.

that can happen? Oh yeah, they don’t say hi back. You make a fast recovery pretending to slick your hair back, smooth. For now we can only hope someone will invent something to teleport us from our homes to our classrooms. Until then, we must be thankful for the invention of iPods and cell phones, which allow us to maintain our “cool”. So next time your overly-analyzed hello is rejected, or you accidently end up on St. Paul campus as a senior, remember one thing. Your tricks aren’t fooling anyone, dumbass.

What the hell, why not another shot?

Really, who’s going to turn that idea down?

see page 5

see page 10

see page 4 The Types of Girls You Meet In Bar Bathrooms The Seven Circles of Smashed

Free Kony?! Alright!

Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 11>>> page 13 >>>

The Top Ten

the Worst Places to Find a Boyfriend or Girlfriend on Campus

contents 11

Bartender of the Week

Kelsi at Blarneyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s loves Audis but hates puppy mills. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t we all?

Keeping Up With the Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore

the best damn reality tv show out there... or it would be.

page 14 >>>

We Interview: Maps & Atlases

these chicago rockers never get lost while on tour.

Meet The Staff!

campus manager Luis Guitart

PAGE 15 >>>

The Seek and Find

kill some time in class and find everything we're asking you to seek... you might even win something awesome!

editorial manager Amanda Abell Advertising Managers Delaney Coyle Hannah Comer

distribution Manager Lamar Roberts

Writers Anne Hiner Katrina Nicholson

marketing team Jessica Frazier Melanie Richtman Eddie Lund

campus director Brendan Bonham Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page three

pic of the week >>> Are You Ready for the Great Nord’Easter Hunt?! April 14th – Registration Opens at 10AM More Info: thegreatnordeasterhunt.org

Last year's awesome winners!

The Great Nord'Easter Hunt began in 2010 in a large back yard in Northeast Minneapolis. This day of plain old good times has been quietly becoming a classic favorite day of the year! TGNH is a day of competition, socializing, eating, a wee bit-a drinking, music, and shenanigans. So Simple, Even a Bunny Could Do It: - Create a team of 4 and navigate around the Nordeast neighborhood in search for hidden stations. - At each unique station your team will have to complete a challenge. - Dress for the weather, wear your sneaks and bring your enthusiasm. This year a portion of anything left over will be donated to Mississippi River Foundation which looks to reconnect our city with the natural beauty which runs through our back doors.

ns Cup o ampi h C e h T ! Awaits You

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A Denial Miked

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Definition: A halo of magnificence that surrounds a girl who just spent over $2,000 shopping on her dad’s credit card. Kara had an aura of spendor around her after she came back from the mall with a new wardrobe purchased by her father.

THe top ten Worst Places to Find a Boyfriend or Girlfriend on Campus 10) Carlson School of Management: There are hotties infesting this prestigious establishment, especially if business casual turns you on. The problem is that everyone has their heads too far up their asses to notice anything, or anyone, that does not involve networking or boosting their resume. If you want to connect with these future business professionals, otherwise known as assholes, you may want to consider the connecting with them on LinkedIn instead of friending them on Facebook. 9) The Campus Connector: You can find anyone on the Campus Connector, but I’m fairly certain it is impossible to communicate on the damn thing. Sure, being pressed up against a bunch of people may sound sexy, but in reality we all know that being jam-packed in a bus with other B.O.-infested idiot strangers isn’t very fun. 8) Walter Library on a Saturday Morning: Call me crazy, but if you’re up studying early on a Saturday morning at the library, you’re fucking crazy. College students are meant to spend Saturday mornings nursing their hangovers with greasy breakfast, Netflix, and with a Bloody Mary, or five, in hand.

The Types of Girls You Meet in Bar Bathrooms Annie Hiner wrote this A night out at any college bar will guarantee entertainment. As much as I hate to be a traitor to my gender, I must say that the women’s bathroom at the bar is the source of much hilarity. Now, I can’t say I’m above it all. All girls know that after a few Long Islands, we never go to the bathroom to quietly relieve our bladders. No, there’s other more important things to do. It’s a place to see and be seen, to mock and be mocked. Without further ado, these are the worst offenders. The Crying One: Isn’t it odd that the girl that was dry humping a pole to a Katy Perry song 20 minutes prior is often seen drowning the bathroom with her tears? Unfortunately, the surgeon general didn’t warn these gals that acting like a soap opera star is often a side effect of alcohol abuse. Whether you’re crying about the size of your boyfriend’s dick or the fresh cranberry juice stain on your new, overpriced Urban Outfitters dress, surely the waterworks can wait until you’ve left the pissed-filled bar bathroom.

“trying to make his ex jealous” too. Now everybody wins, or maybe loses. It really depends how you want to look at it. The Girls That Just Met but Already are BF4L: Isn’t it funny what a few drinks does to a female’s personality? Sober girls walk into the bar and stare down every girl with daggers in their eyes, like they were looking at Michelle Bachmann. As time progresses, drinks are pounded down and a few T. Swift songs hit the jukebox, these girls transform into unbelievably fantastic people. As they stumble their way to the bathroom and wait in the obnoxiously long line, they manage to become best friends with every girl they see. Literally, any commonalty results in these girls discovering a new best friend. “You’re drunk?! Oh my gosh, me too!” “You like dick? I like dick! Let’s be best friends!”

"how cute can you look posing next to a crap receptacle?"

The Ones That Take Pictures: Okay we get it, you spent three hours doing your hair and you’ve been saving that outfit for a big night out in the ever-so-classy Dinky, but how cute can you look posing next to a crap receptacle? Plus, even if you use a hip Instagram filter, your face is still going to look fire engine red. Not to mention the fact that Photoshop can’t fix those drunk eyes. Certainly, your Facebook friends are anxiously waiting to see your Junior Year Bathroom Pics & Other Fun Timez<33 album. The Encouraging Friends: These are the girls that didn’t quite understand the concept behind He’s Just Not That Into You. They spend their entire bathroom experience feeding their recently-single friends false hope that their ex truly does want them back, they say he is only making out with that blond bimbo from the dance team to make her jealous. College guys aren’t just horny and selfish, right? In the end it doesn’t matter because these girls get so wasted that they make out with a STD-infected guy from the bar. He must be

After a brief dimwitted conversation, it is established that the two drunken sluts will be best friends forever, but they will never acknowledge one another as they pass each other every day on the way to class.

The Puking One: There’s the one girl that no one wants to be. Laying on the dirty bar bathroom floor, ass exposed to a pack of strangers, and puking out your intestines is an all-time low for even the trashiest girls. Luckily, when other girls see these kinds of Lindsay Lohan wannabes they let their motherly instincts take over. These drunk Mother Theresas are at the puker’s beck and call, delivering water, pulling their hair back, and lying to them saying that they still look pretty. These pukers continue to rest their heads on the crabs-infested toilet seat for the rest of the night, crying because they’ve lost any chance of getting laid. Sorry babe, maybe next time you lay off the shots of UV Blue. At any given night at the bar night you are guaranteed to find at least a few of these characters. No wonder girl’s bathrooms are typically bigger than boy’s bathrooms. Although, it does make you wonder what really goes on in a men’s bathroom…

7) Brunch in the Dining Halls- Brunch in the dining halls is the best. For some reason the shitty dorm food tastes fantastic after a long night of keg stands and Ron Diaz pulls. Yet, in order to experience the deliciousness that brunch has to offer, you actually have to wake up on time. This means you have little or no time to clean the sex and alcohol off your body. Clearly, brunch in the dorms is a warzone of deathly hangovers, not the place to pick up your future beau. 6) The Plasma Center: College life is a dark time when Chipotle is considered fine dining and you can barely afford the $11.99 36 pack of shitty Boxer beer. Therefore, being broke and desperate is quite understandable. Yet, anyone desperate enough to hang around the plasma center may not be the best potential boyfriend or girlfriend, because, let’s be honest, have you seen the people that wait in line outside of that place? 5) Boynton: Waiting rooms are excruciatingly boring, so who can blame a horny college student’s mind from wandering? Whether you are staring at a girl’s ass in her yoga pants, or trying to decipher the size of a guy’s junk in his khakis, boredom almost always leads to perversion. This perversion is very short lived in a place like Boynton. As much as you thought you’d want her number, your mind quickly changes after you see the genital herpes medication she’s walking out with. 4) GWSS 3102W Feminist Thought and Theory Class: A class like this does give guys many options. For instance, you could choose the girl with the purple Tevas or the girl with the green Patagonia sweater! However, even your most clever pick-up lines will not work in a class like this. You’ll get turned down in an instant because no matter what you say, these girls will consider your word choice sexist. 3) Lifechoice Pregnancy Center: Horny times call for desperate measures, right? The pregnancy center may have a decent amount of hot chicks rolling in and out, yet no matter how hot the girl, I can guarantee you’re not ready to be a father figure. I mean, it is one thing to clean up puke and piss off yourself every weekend, but for two people? No thanks. 2) Gophers After Dark: How cute of the U to offer sober activities during the weekend. Sure, maybe some kids come and enjoy a free movie every once in a while, but even those that don’t drink on the weekends certainly aren’t lining up at Coffman to decorate sunglasses and Frisbees on a Friday night. 1) Moodle: Okay, what the fuck?

annie hiner wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the seven circles of smashed Katrina Nicholson wrote this You just walked out of your last (okay, first) Friday (okay, Tuesday) class, and you need a drink. As the sweet smell of gin wafts past your olfactory nerve you think about the good times you’re certain to forget. Why? You’re getting mach five drunk tonight. Still, like an Amtrak ride, the trip is just as fun as the destination. Here’s how you get there: The Eager Beaver: This is the stage of drunkenness before you actually start drinking. You're preparing for being drunk and you're anticipating the exciting vibes that will eventually be flowing through your veins. Generally, this feeling overtakes you when you purchase your chasers and get dressed up for a crazy night out. Some people get excited knowing the night that lies ahead. Others are calm and sleep the day away in order to prepare their body for the insanity it is about to face. Finally, many like to drink a lot of water, planning ahead to make the hangover as painless as possible. It’s time to see how this Thirsty Thursday progresses. Buzzing: You can tell the alcohol is starting to take affect but it's only just begun. It's that in-between stage between being real drunk and fake drunk. You’re not fake drunk, but you’re not to the point that you want to be. You’re becoming impatient as you wait for the drunkness to hit you. However, you’re happy, because you know that once it does hit, a tremendous amount of adventure lies ahead. This is where the levelheaded decision making occurs. Tipsy: Now you're ready to get down and dance. You start talking louder and more obnoxiously. Things start to get exciting and you're ready to get out and go to the party. Your

inhibitions are low, but decent decision making skills are still intact. Logically, this is the point where everyone should technically stop drinking and enjoy the rest of the night. Yeah, that’ll happen. Drunk: Some slurring starts and you emotions run haywire. You keep on bitching about stuff that doesn't actually matter. Not to mention your balance is done for. You get up and smack a wall but don’t feel a thing. Everyone keeps shouting, trying to be louder than the person next to him or her. Meanwhile, the music is now blasting so loud the neighbors are calling the cops. Sloppy Drunk:You continue to make mixed drinks with too much booze in them, while your friend continues adding booze to their already-too-strong drink. This is where the drunchies kick in. You crave any kind of unhealthy food, and will eat anything in sight. Not only are you stuffing your face, but you start thinking about stuffing a hole, deciding to hit on the closest person in a five-foot radius. When that doesn’t work, you begin sending inappropriate texts to exes, past hookups, and even randos that should be deleted from your phone. See You Tomorrow: Any time you say or do anything it's a liability. Embarrassing confessions are made, and relationships have the potential to take a turn for the worst. You lie by the toilet and pour out your soul to the porcelain god. In college this is to be expected at least once in your career, but it's almost guaranteed that the next day you'll re-evaluate whether or not you ever want to drink again in your life.

Hangover stage: Chances are, reader, you’re at this stage right now. Many of you are wondering what the hell you were thinking drinking on a Thursday with an 8a.m. class on Friday. You’re hungry for any fried food you can get your hands on. You are tired as all hell, with a nauseating stomachache that lasts the entire day. The best cure for now is to waste the day in bed sucking down water, eating until your stomach no longer hates you, and enjoying the stories of last night. So there you have it, the stages of drunkenness that encompass a college student's life. Just remember that once you hit the point of no return, you will hate yourself the next day, and perhaps for the next week. Who cares, at least you got a few good stories!

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Friday After Class (3-6p.m.) $1 pints, $1.50 margaritas Sizzling Fajita Platters

The Great March Matchup College Bball Gamedays NOW thru April 2nd $3.50 Miller Lite Bottles or 6 bottles for $18.00 Giveaways & More! AUC2D* (All-U-Care-2-Drink)

THURSDAY

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FRIDAY

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SATURDAY

$12 Buckets of Beer (12pm-6pm) $3 U Call It Shots (9pm-12am) $2.50 Dom. Btls. (9pm-Close) DJ KAZAAM!

2-for-1’s Nacho Platters Live DJ

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Happy Hour Every Single Day! Check Below for Times and Specials! Located at 1320 W. Lake Street in Uptown! Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

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Free Kony?! Alright! black sheep staff wrote this There’s no point in my day in which I am hungrier or more bored than my 11a.m. math class. I logged onto my Facebook in the middle of class the other day and all I saw were posts about “Invisible Children” and “Joseph Kony.” Now, I don’t know anything about all this Twilight and Harry Potter bibiddy-babble, so I just dismissed the first part as being a side effect of my only being friends with 15-year-old girls on Facebook. The second part caught my eye, though. I leaned over to the girl next to me - let’s call her BigTits McD-Cups—and asked about all these, “Konys,” curious as to whether or not there was some sort of delicious meat giveaway. She stared at me dumbfounded, “Surely you mustard of him by now,” BigTits said. She piqued not only my curiosity…but my hunger as well. If they’re letting you put free condiments on this Kony, this was certainly not something that I could let myself miss out on. “How do we get ‘Kony’?” I asked her, “Is it free?” “He’s free now, but we’re going to make him pay.” Shit. A limited time only offer. Now I understood why people were so excited about it. Thankfully, everyone posted statuses about it to keep me informed, otherwise I would have had to settle for eating at Comstack again.

“Free ‘Konys’ sound great,” I said, “Why would we want anyone to pay?” She called me a fascist pig and turned around. While I prefer all beef franks, I’ll still get excited by the idea of any meat at all, regardless of how it rules its people. With that lead dead, I turned to my other side to see if anyone else knew how I could get some free eats. “Hey, do you know what the deal with this ‘Kony’ thing is?” I asked. He responded by saying I needed to 'ketchup' with the times. “I don’t like ketchup,” I told him, “It just masks the great natural flavor of a Kony.” He called me a sick fuck and gave me a lecture about child soldiers and some other not-tasty bullshit. “I don’t understand,” I pleaded, “There’s nothing not to love about a free ‘Kony’!” His eyes went bloodshot. He screamed about Invisible Children, and when I yelled back that Harry Potter sucks he just got even angrier. He screamed about liberation, slavery, rape and murder, but nothing about Harry Potter, ironically. Weird. I must need to watch the movies again, because I DEFINITELY missed out on the rape scene. Or maybe that part is only in the book…and man, reading sucks. But anyway, I told him I just wanted some free food. He yelled that bad things had just recently started happening in Africa and that watching a 30-minute You-

Tube video and liking a status made him into the activist that stood right before me. I cried, desperately telling him that I just wanted a free ‘Kony,’ while also desperately trying to find this activist he was talking about. He explained that Kony was a dictator, not a delicious variety of hot dog. He yelled, “I’m really going to relish this,” before he swung at me. I blacked out. I woke up in the forest five hours later, chewing on what little I hadn’t eaten off of his arm. Looks like I never got my free hot dog—or did I?

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spring reggae meltdown feat. The International Reggae All-stars Lynval “Golden Voice” Jackson • Natty Nation

sunday

break science and gramatik w/ Paul basic

Doors 9:00pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $14 Adv/$17 Door

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$12 Door

s on a le !

w/ i like you.

“magical misdemeanor tour” feat.

cody canada & the departed w/ special guest Uncle Lucius

Doors 8:00pm | Music 9:00pm | 18+ Tickets $20 Adv/$22 Door

- - - - - - - - -hIP hoP IdoL - - - - - - - eUfoRqUesTRA - - - - - - UsefUL JenkIns - - - - - - - - - - - goULAsh -The boys n’ The bARReLs

just announced/on sale

shooter jennings

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and

4/16 - - - - - - - - - - bLood on The dAnce fLooR 4/20 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ghosTfAce kILLAh 4/26 - - - - - - - - The InfAmoUs sTRIngdUsTeRs

sovereign sect

4/27 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - de LA soUL 4/28 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - kIneTIx 5/5 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The bIg wU

Doors 9:00pm | Music 10:00pm | Cover $7 | 18+

5/16 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - hoodIe ALLen

we came as romans

5/19 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - wookIefooT

w/ Emmure • Bless The Fall • Woe Is Me • The Color Morale

5/26 - - - - Tech n9ne’s hosTILe TAkeoveR ToUR

Doors 4:30pm | Music 5:00pm | AA Tickets $20 Adv/$22 Door

6/8 - - - - - - cAbooze PResenTs: gReg LAsweLL

5/25 - - edwARd shARPe & The mAgneTIc zeRos s on a le !

dubtronic kru

march

friday

7th annual bayfront reggae & world music festival pre-party featuring

rubblebucket

mid america talent presents…

“what’s going on” a birthday celebration of the life & music of marvin gaye Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$15 Door

s on a le !

march

Doors 8:00pm | Music 8:30pm | Cover $7 | 18+

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $12 Adv/$16 Door

march

s on a le !

on the road tour 2012

feat. Dead Larry w/ Epic Snake • Peregrine Perspective

upcoming shows 4/1 4/5 4/12 4/19 4/21

sma presents…

the english beat Doors 7:00pm | Music 8:00pm | 18+ Tickets $20 Adv/$22 Door

s on a le !

april

friday

wednesday

summer camp:

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $8 Adv/$10 Door

23 28 30 02 07 15

april

march

saturday

Doors 9:00pm | Music 10:00pm | 18+ Tickets $15 Adv/$15 Door

april

march

thursday

w/ ThatGuySoda • Fly Henderson + special guests

s on a le !

march

sunday

“welcome home” show

s on a le !

march

22 25 29 31 06 13

friday

minnesotastandup.com presents…

rocky diamonds

s on a le !

thursday

n ! o le a s

Saturday, March 24

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender

of the

Issue Age: 21

Major: Psychology

beautiful things in life cannot be seen or touched - they must be felt with the heart."Helen Keller

Favorite drink: Stoli Blue Crest

Favorite Musician: John Vesely

Pet peeve: As a bartender, people asking for really strong pours. As a person, people who don't signal when they drive.

Favorite Shot: Vegas Bombs

Bar: Blarney's

Kelsi

Blarney's

Favorite Bar: Blarney's, because of the awesome staff!

Hangover Cure: Bloody Three Wishes: An Audi TT (pink), A house Marys in South Beach, the shutdown of all of the Favorite Quote: puppy mills "The best and most

drinking game:

the vegetable game

You say “potato,” I say “po-tah-to.” You say “tomato” I say “to-mah-to.” What do you mean neither of those things are vegetables? They’re certainly not fruit, and by our count, you can’t hunt either for sport. What You Need: Suds and buds, man. Number of Players: At least three. But you should consult the food pyramid, just to be safe. Intoxication Level: Your puke is gonna look like one big Bloody Mary. How to Play: -Before the game begins each person is assigned a vegetable. This vegetable is now that player’s name for the duration of the game. -During no point in the game is a player allowed to show his or her teeth. -If a player exposes his or her teeth, the round ends and that player must drink. -The game begins with one player citing their own vegetable name, pointing at and calling on another player to act. For example, “Broccoli calls on pepper!” -In this case, pepper would then announce themselves, then point at and call on another player. For example, “Pepper calls on asparagus!” -This continues until a player calls someone they point at by the wrong name, or until a player does not respond correctly when called upon. -The loser drinks. The Game Ends When: You start squeezing someone, hoping to turn them into potato vodka.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com

Worst thing overheard at the bar: It wasn't something I overheard, but the worst thing I've seen was a chick up on the bar with her dress pulled way down while bent over. Nickname: Frantini Porn Name: The Screamer If you could create any holiday what would it be?: Singles Appreciation Day, on February 15th.

recipe for disaster:

waffle burger For many, waffles are the preferred breakfast item for a variety of reasons: The syrup basins, the crunch, the texture. At the same time, the hamburger is the quintessential American sandwich, packed with calories and heart disease in equal measure. By our powers combined! What You’ll Need: 1lb. ground beef, Eggo waffles, condiments. Cook Time: 8-10 minutes. Fatty Factor: You’ll waffle between going to the gym and taking another nap. Let’s Get Baked: -Form the meat into ¼ pound patties. Add seasoning as desired. -Begin cooking meat. (We recommend using a George Foreman Grill, as grilling or griddling can start fires when you’re…inebriated.) -When the meat is 2 minutes from being done, throw two Eggos into the toaster. -When Eggos are fully toasted, remove and slather with the condiments of your choice. -For a breakfast-style sandwich, we recommend maple syrup and butter. Maybe a microwavable hash brown if you’re feeling lucky. -For a dinner sandwich, add ketchup, cheese, you know, stuff you’d put on a hamburger. Oh yeah, that hits the spot. It’s like a McGriddle evolved into something that was actually meant for human consumption.

Welcome to Keeping Up With The Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore, the show that has your favorite bitches, morons, douchebags and idiots from America’s scummiest reality TV shows! These contestants are vying to win the only truly important prize: their lives! Let’s see what these dolts are made of!

THE CAST: Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio (The Real World) Dani and Gabi Victor (Bad Girls Club) Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola (The Jersey Shore) Kendall Jenner (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)

WEEK 3 The Outcome: Unsurprisingly, Abby Lee Miller leads this challenge, as she convinces the remaining contestants to do a striptease to the Mos Eisley Cantina song from Star Wars: A New Hope. All is going well until Kendall Jenner removes her top, “just like Kim taught her.” Because Jenner is a minor, she gets

WEEK 6 The Outcome: Kendall easily passes as she chats up a high school male about what it’s like seeing Kim Kardashian naked “like, every day.” Chumlee approaches a mentally handicapped person waiting in line to play the demo Playstation 3 at Best Buy. After ten minutes talking they decide that blue is the best color. Soulgee isn’t

Abby Lee Miller (Dance Moms) Soulgee (Ice Loves Coco) Kelly Bensimon (The Real Housewives of New York City) Chumlee Russel (Pawn Stars)

THE CHALLENGE: LEARN A CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE, TO BE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF A CLASS OF 3RD GRADERS. off scot-free, while Miller is arrested for breaking public indecency and child pornography laws. Karmic Death: Wearing only a leotard and eight-inch heels, she’s forced to ﬁght a herd of 25 six-year-olds until she succumbs to their tiny ﬁsts of fury.

THE CHALLENGE:

ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION WITH A TOTAL STRANGER FOR TEN MINUTES WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.

so lucky, as he accidentally references himself when discussing the loving relationship Ice-T and Coco have, the one he “tries not to force himself into.” Karmic Death: Suffocation via a gay black man’s nightmare: Coco’s enormous white tits.

WEEK 1 The Outcome: Most of our contestants do well, some surprisingly so. Abby Lee Miller scores a 29, and upon hearing the results lambasts the others for, “Doin’ so shitty cuz your moms didn’t raise ya’ll right.” Pawn Stars legend Chumlee scores a lowly 4 after skipping the English and Reading portions, but is saved when Sammi Sweetheart fails to complete the test in time.

THE CHALLENGE: TAKE THE 'ACT'. She’s busy sobbing on the phone with her mom because Ronni forgot a smiley face emoticon in the text message he sent her wishing her good luck on the test. Karmic Death: Suffocated to death in a gas chamber set to emit a deadly mix of hair spray and spray tanner. LMFAO’s “Shots” plays at her wake.

WEEK 4

THE CHALLENGE: BUILD A SPACESHIP OUT OF LEGOS.

The Outcome: Used to constructing makeshift dildos on the ﬂy, Soulgee produces a sex toy that judges deem a reasonable facsimile for a spacecraft. The Victor Twins - having never played with Legos before - hastily slap some blocks together, but continue onto the next round after secretly switching their construction with rival Johnny

Bananas. Bananas calls their deceit, but producers refuse to believe him, citing his frivolous lawsuit against the producers of Entourage as a reason not to believe him.

WEEK 7

THE CHALLENGE: PITCH A SHOW TO FAMED WRITER/PRODUCER DAVID SIMON (THE WIRE, TREME)

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner pitches Simon a show about, “You know, me, and stuff.” Chumlee, struggling to breathe under the weight of his own obesity, tells the writer/producer that he’d, “like to do one’a them shows where them girls come in and give Chumlee them blowjobs, and shit.” Simon attempts to walk off set before his

agent reminds him that this appearance will help provide funding for his criticallyacclaimed but little-watched show.

Karmic Death: Devenanzio is forced to hang out with Kevin Dillon until Devenanzio kills himself.

Karmic Death: Distraught with the state of modern media, Simon commits a murder-double-suicide. His ﬁnal words are, “Let’s see McNulty solve this one.”

WEEK 2 The Outcome: Kendall Jenner cries as she hands over the money, certain that her mom will bestow on her the beating of a lifetime. Chumlee Russel tries to talk the homeless man down before realizing he’s the one trying to give the cash away. In a purely malevolent move, the Victor twins turn their bill into a “Poo Lincoln” before

WEEK 5 The Outcome: In a moving moment that will forever go down in the annals of reality TV history, Chumlee apologizes to pawn shop owner Rick Harrison for the litany of fuck-ups he’s had since the show’s inception. The Victor twins lose when Gabi apologizes to Dani “for being dad’s favorite,” while Dani apologizes to Gabi “for being

THE CHALLENGE: GIVE A HOMELESS PERSON $5. dropping it in front of a homeless man while walking away. Bensimon fails when she gives her $5 to Soulgee, as she assumes all black people are homeless. Karmic Death: The producers drop her off in Harlem dressed as a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. No one attends her funeral.

THE CHALLENGE:

SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO AN IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER OR CLOSE FRIEND YOU HAVE WRONGED.

dad’s favorite.” A brawl ensues until the producers drag each off set, preparing them for their execution. Karmic Death: From behind a two-way mirror the twins’ parents push a big red button that electrocutes the twins to death. The parents go on to live full, happy lives in their twilight years.

While th at we expe didn’t end how c ended b ted, it certainly etter th an w have ho ped! Join e could u year as we cont s next inue the small-sc ale are actu genocide people ally hap py abou t!

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Maps & Atlases

Our compasses pointed due north when we were lucky enough to score an interview with loveable rockers Maps & Atlases. Guitarist Erin talks to us about keyboards, soy products and his pet Pegasus. Check them out at Amsterdam Hall in St. Paul on June 19th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Beware and Be Grateful, is set to be released on April 17th. Can you talk about your progression as a band, from your EPs to Perch Patchwork to this album? How is this the next step in your sonic evolution? Erin Elders: I think it’s a continuation of things we were exploring on Perch Patchwork. On that album we really started with texture, whereas our earlier EPs were more stripped down with a lot of guitar. Here we moved on past the Perch Patchwork orchestration, but we found new ways to layer sound with crazy guitars and whatnot. I think the writing style is a steady evolution from our previous album. TBS: How does the writing process work for you guys? Erin: Every record has been different, but I think that’s what most bands hope to do, where you let the process and story behind the record be its own thing. It’s good to break out of your own habits and artistic patterns. For this record there was these group of songs [lead singer] Dave had been working on during his tour and when we had a little off time. It happened in a really stripped down way. We figured out which songs worked as an album, fleshed them out and worked it out over multiple sessions. We’d then throw as many ideas down as we could, then see what worked and what doesn’t. TBS: Considering the length of time it takes to put a record out, how much of what you work on actually ends up on a record? Erin: It’s really interesting. When you think about how much time writing, recording and playing music and you contrast it with the amount of time you actually produce the sounds that end up on the record,

cd review

out now

The shins port of morrow Five years later, The Shins still don’t disappoint.

The Shins are like your best friend from high school who you haven’t seen in five years. You’re slightly nervous things might have changed, but as soon as you sit down (at a bar, of course), it’s like you just saw her yesterday; you’re as comfortable as you’ve ever been and it’s just as familiar as when you were causing a ruckus together back in band class. Formed in Albuquerque, New Mexico, James Mercer (your imaginary best friend), and the gang have technically been putting out alternative-rock goodness since 1996 when they released their first EP and gained popularity by touring with bands like Modest Mouse. Things were going swimmingly, albeit slowly, but they were eventually signed to Sub Pop in 2001, releasing their classic album, Oh, Inverted World with such gems like “New Slang” and “Caring is Creepy.” With a slew of tunes featured in all sorts of movies and television shows, The Shins officially became a band with integrity—one that produced quality songs that were both earnest and catchy. Two more popular albums later, the boys ditched Sub Pop to release albums on Mercer’s own label, Aural Apothecary. Switching out a few band members and letting half a decade fly by, Port of Morrow is upon us and it’s certainly worth the wait. The album has an all around classic Shins sound— never breaching the barrier of being too heavy and never slowing down enough to bum anyone out. The first single

GRADE B+

“Simple Song” isn’t my favorite on the album, but it’s by no means a bad tune; softly building up to an optimistic chorus that is safe and upbeat, it’s kind of like nice spring weather. “September” is a stand-out song that slows you down a bit, but keeps you interested with little patches of breezy beats. In fact, the entire album consists of numerous wonderfully upbeat tracks that make it a great listen without ever really needing to hit next. By the end of it, you’re not going to hear anything too crazy or shocking, but you’ll be pleased if standard Shins music always seems be the perfect thing to listen to when you don’t know what to listen to at all.

it’s small. You have to get to that point, though. TBS: How do you strike a balance between making music you find personally gratifying, but also something your fans want to hear? Erin: It’s a tough thing. Everyone has different interests, and some are able to pursue them under the moniker of their band. But there’s other bands where an out-there record doesn’t work in the parameters of what the band is. Our band, we want to grow and change every record, but the way we move in the same direction, together, allows us to explore new things. TBS: How ambitious do you get with your sound? When you incorporate a new instrument is it out of necessity, like, “This thing makes this sound, so we will use it,” or is it, “We want to push the boundaries of how we consider ourselves as musicians”? Erin: With Beware and Be Grateful we started with these cheap Casio keyboards to get the sound up and running, and from there it was experimenting and seeing what stuck. Running with our instincts. We’ve tried doing it before, and it’s worked on certain songs. On this record, though, it helped us produce a really loose sound. TBS: You guys are headlining a tour right now. How do you prepare? Do you prepare? Erin: I think when you’re on tour it’s one of those things where you’re constantly trying to stay on schedule while being exhausted all the time. It’s basically keeping up until you crash and just stop caring about a timetable. TBS: Is there different pressure being the tour headliner? Erin: I think we’re always making sure we’re playing well and presenting the songs as best we can every night, regardless. I mean, you feel obligated to put on a good show for people who paid money to see you. Plus, how often do you get a chance to play a place like Shreveport, Louisiana? Once a year? You want to put on a good show for someone who might be seeing you for the first time. TBS: For someone who hasn’t seen you play live before, describe your show in five words or less. Erin: Four guys, lots of sound.

Admittedly, none of this can be very shocking to anyone who is even remotely a fan of The Shins– – they’ve just never let us down and, four albums later, they keep getting better. If you are a part of the handful of people in this world who have never listened to them (maybe their hype from Garden State a billion years ago turned you off for some reason), it’s certainly time to give them a chance. But for those who are longtime Shins fans, it’s worth the five-years-coming to hear them again, just like your high school BFF.

TBS: What’s a band or artist you listen to that no one would think you like? Erin: I listen to a lot of top 40 radio. When we’re on tour peoples’ iPods get exhausted pretty quickly. I think Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” is an incredible song.

Sounds Like: A plaid shirt smiling. Download: Simple Song, September Listen to it When: You’re the first one done with classes waiting on the porch for your roommates to get back to start drinking, gifting them with a beer.

TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Erin: A Pegasus seems ideal, you can ride it into town if you need to, or you can fly.

TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Erin: I think a sandwich is a great culinary invention. I think a baguette, smoked tempeh, some tomato, avocado and spicy mustard.

TBS: The most practical of the mythical creatures.

UPCOMING RELEASES Brad Mehldau - Ode Melanie Fiona - The MF Life

Casey James - Casey James Odd Future - The OF Tape Vol. 2

Paul Van Dyk - Evolution Anti-Flag - The General Strike

Diggy - Unexpected Arrival Margot and Nuclear So & So’s - Rot Gut Domestic

the seek & find Let us know everything is where prize! Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pre and win a tt like someone y easy, just else we know .

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