UMN - 4/11/12 - v02i05 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 5 4/12/12 - 5/2/12

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UMN

celebrating the best spring jam ever Annie Hiner wrote this I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but my Spring Jams have been less than extraordinary. Bars are packed with day drunk misfits wearing their sunglasses inside, the cops are posted up on every block, and quite frankly I don’t understand how it really differs from any other drunken weekend. However, I do like to think of the glass as half full (of beer, I hope). There is actually potential that this year could be fun. I mean at this rate it’ll be 90 degrees and sunny, and perhaps the U actually has their shit together by now. With that said, here are the three reasons why this year’s Spring Jam will top the rest. Reason Number One: Low Expectations. I know that sounds awful, but it’s kind of like getting laid. If you set your standards low enough, you’ll always manage to succeed. So what if Spring Jam is often considered the poor man’s Mifflin? Mifflin is kind of like New Years Eve. Everyone gets dolled up in their little outfits, expecting to have the night of a lifetime. They expect to get drunk, dance, and get laid. Yet, in reality, everyone ends up getting drunk, crying, and puking on the floor of a public restroom. Spring Jam is more like President’s Day or Arbor Day! Even though it doesn’t receive the hype that the other holidays do, you actually end up having a surprisingly kickass time since you don’t expect too much. So this year don’t expect to finally get the chance to get drunk with your hot TA and have a steamy make out sesh, and don’t even think about getting asked to Jerk on stage with the New Boyz. Trust me, if you aim low, you’ll always achieve high. Reason Number Two: The Concert. Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed past Spring Jam concerts. Who doesn’t want to skip class to see P.O.S. or Cloud Cult? Plus, it gives you an excuse to wear those Spring Jam neon sunglasses you paid ten bucks for. Yet, the night concerts are always a crock of shit. Trampled by Turtles could have been good, until everyone actually got trampled. The headliner concerts have always been too long, and everyone just waits hour after hour allowing their body to sober up for a band they don’t give two shits about. However, this year, we actually have a

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good opener! Prof is going to get everyone balls to the walls nuts. So make sure you pack a flask of Jameson, because nothing says get wasted like a Prof song. After Prof, the New Boyz play, which will give all of us drunken idiots a song that we may actually remember the lyrics to. Sing it with me now, “You’re a jerk, you’re a jerk, you’re a jerk.”

think it’s time for us to bring back the riots. I mean who hasn’t wanted to run on top of a car or run around naked or smash watermelons all over the 4th street? YOLO, right?! Therefore, this year we should all work together for a great cause, AKA some fun ass riots that will make our elders look like a bunch of pussies. Just watch out for the tear gas…

Reason Number Three: Dare I Say Riots? I have to say I’m a little disappointed that our elders have ruined the craziness of Spring Jam a little. Even though it has been three years and we’ve all supposedly moved on, I

This year don’t take shit from those Madison kids, this year’s Spring Jam will surely top the rest. So get your purple skinny jeans on, grab a bottle, and get ready to riot.

it's time to get your head out of the books, brown nosers.

If you’re wearing anything Polo, you know you can’t resist this.

Freshman can get away with a lot, but not when it comes to Spring Jam.

see page 7 see page 5 see page 4 6 Reasons Why Your Classmates Hate You The Freshman Guide to Spring Jam The “Am I Really a Bro” Questionnaire

Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGES 8-9 >>> page 11 >>> page 11 >>> PAGE 13 >>>

The Top Ten

Best ways to survive the dreadful last month of classes.

contents 13

The Bar Grid

seriously, without this, you would be paying full price for drinks everywhere. you're welcome!

Bartender of the Issue

John from Kitty Cat Klub declares October 25th National Whiskey Day, Jameson specifically.

Recipe for Disaster: Popcorn Puppy Chow

Hot diggity dog, this sounds delicious even though it's not 4 am.

The Black Sheep Interview: Shpongle

We chatted with Simon Posford, one half of the trippy electronic DJ duo.

Meet The Staff!

campus manager Luis Guitart

editorial manager Amanda Abell Advertising Managers Delaney Coyle Hannah Comer

marketing Manager Jessica Frazier

marketing team Melanie Richtman Eddie Lund Sonya Stegman

Writers Anne Hiner Katrina Nicholson Shannon Ryan campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com

217-390-1747

paGe three three page

>>> pic of the week pic of the week >>> Are YoU reAdY for the GreAt Nord’eASter hUNt?! aprIl 14th – reGIstratION OpeNs at 10aM More info: tHegreAtnordeAsterHunt.org

Last year's awesome winners!

The Great Nord'easter Hunt began in 2010 in a large back yard in Northeast Minneapolis. This day of plain old good times has been quietly becoming a classic favorite day of the year! TGNH is a day of competition, socializing, eating, a wee bit-a drinking, music, and shenanigans. So Simple, Even a Bunny Could Do It: - create a team of 4 and navigate around the Nordeast neighborhood in search for hidden stations. - At each unique station your team will have to complete a challenge. - Dress for the weather, wear your sneaks and bring your enthusiasm. This year a portion of anything left over will be donated to Mississippi river Foundation which looks to reconnect our city with the natural beauty which runs through our back doors.

NS cUP Io P M A h c e h t ! AwAItS YoU

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sweet tattoo, brah! So... pretty productive semester, huh?

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celebs@theblacksheeponline.com Can you guess these hotties?

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word of the week >>> Absduction

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

The alarming disappearance of a fat-come-recently-fit person amongst their group of fat loser friends. Pat’s absduction was swift, after he lost weight he spent much more time in pussy than in the gaming room.

THe top ten Ways to Get Through the Dreadful Last Month of Classes 10) Instagram: If you are going to be stuck in class during the gorgeous spring weather you might as well add something to your resume: photographer. Take some pictures of your books on the floor, or even the back of someone’s head. Then add a nice “Nashville” filter on it and BAM you’re an artist. Maybe you’ll even impress that hot hipster in your graphic design class. 9) Write your “list”: For some this may be an embarrassing five second task, and for others it may be an embarrassingly long affair. Yet, writing down all the people you have managed to bang is certainly an activity that beats taking actual notes. Why not take a trip down memory lane with your favorite sex buddies, like the “Crier” or “Mr. Pencil Dick”? Aww, the memories… 8) Learn the alphabet backwards: Mastering the alphabet backwards might just help you in the future. You never know, spending all of your class time on this silly little task might just get you out of a public intoxication ticket. Then you’ll be free to get as wasted as you wish, and act like a complete idiot in public. “No officer I’m not drunk, I’m just that stupid.”

six Reasons Why Your Classmates Hate You shannon ryan wrote this You know who you are, and we sure as hell do too. Between setting the curve on the exam and kissing the professor’s ass, you've definitely accumulated a hate club amongst your classmates. Now we understand that your post-class social activity is minimal, so we don’t hold that against you, but the following reasons are why your classmates wish they had taken a different section:

of class to go. How are you not breaking blood vessels with the intensity of those sniffles? It sounds like my garbage disposal for Christ’s sake. This whole situation makes me question if some sort of drug is produced within your mucus membranes. Is cocaine produced in there? Hopefully, or no one will every understand why you don’t just get up, grab a Kleenex, and blow your freaking nose.

You ask questions during the last 3 minutes of class: Unless you're a freshman or some PSEO high school jackass, you know that the last three minutes of class are a grace period. You know, pack up your shit and mumble some snarky comments about how the professor sucks at teaching. Why must you raise your hand when the teacher asks if there are any last questions? Are you unaware that the question is rhetorical? The room hangs heavy with silence so that we can to dip the eff out, not sit around and listen to your questions on the homework that no one actually does. Then you proceed to ask another question, really? It’s remarkable that you can’t you feel everyone’s eyes on you as they envision potential ways to kill you.

You ride a scooter to class: Eureka! Now you know why everyone on campus hates you. Hey, we all can get nostalgic in a post-childhood-blues kind of way, but that’s why God invented Gogurt and Super Nintendo. Please stop thinking your joke about “having wheels” is even remotely close to being funny, and walk your happy-ass to class in your velcro Reeboks.

You put an unnecessary amount of exclamation points in your group emails: Okay, it’s already evident that this generic group correspondence is the most post-sundown interaction you’ve had in a fortnight, but you seriously need to cut the bullshit with those excessive exclamation points. Honestly, no one gets that jazzed about qualitative theories of post-modern evolution, not even the professor. If you’re jizzing in your plaid pants about this shit, then I can’t even imagine what your first sexual encounter will be like… You sniffle instead of blow: How do you not hate yourself for doing this? The consistency of your snot-sucking every four minutes is how everyone around you is counting down the minutes left in class. On his sixth sniff, half

You always get the top score: You’re right. You may be smarter than the rest of us, but whether that’s due to bomb-dot-com genetics, or the fact that you actually read all the books assigned on the syllabus is irrelevant. Nobody really cares that you feverishly argued those two points back for that perfect 100 percent. We see that as a win for us, considering we just gained another member to the squad sippin’ your haterade: the professor. You roar loudly at the professor’s jokes, every time: For this, we have a tip: dude, just stop. “What did the proton say to the electron? ‘Stop being so negative!’” Is cringe-worthy at worst and mildly embarrassing at best. Even if you genuinely find the punch-line amusing, it’s best you keep your opinion on that one to yourself. We may hate you for a multitude of reasons, you make us look bad, you’re annoying, gross or some combination of the three. For now you have to put up with our ire. Down the road, when you’re our bosses, we’ll be laughing at your lame jokes. Can’t wait.

7) Imagine banging your prof: Honestly, who hasn’t done this? What is hotter than teacher/student sex? That’s right, nothing! Class will fly by if you spend it daydreaming about getting railed on your professor’s desk. Just make sure to hide your boner as you leave. 6) “Like” everything on y our friend’s facebook: Do you ever want to annoy the shit out of a friend, but you feel as if you don’t have time for such a tedious task? Well, a boring class gives you the perfect opportunity to accomplish your most important goal, and avoid learning! It’s smart to start from his or her oldest pictures, because someone needs to like those disgusting braces pictures from eighth grade. 5) Make a sex playlist: Nothing could be more embarrassing than to bring someone home to have kinky sex, and the first thing that shows up on your iPod is the Glee Soundtrack. Hearing the Glee version of “Don’t Stop Believing” will not put anyone in the mood. Utilize your class time by putting all your Marvin Gaye and Ludacris songs in that one special playlist. Whether it is for that one special someone or one of your many friends with benefits, you’re bound to have your best sex yet with your erotic new playlist. 4) Make an OK Cupid account for a friend: While creating an account, make sure you fill the profile with as much ridiculous bullshit as possible. Say that you like long walks on the beach while listening to Ke$ha. Write that you like to have sex in the Burger King bathrooms. Then, top it all off with a nice ole picture of your friend, and wait for the hilarity to ensue. 3) Watch porn: I’m not suggesting that class time is the right time for a little solo sexy time. But watching porn strictly to get a rise out of people may just get you through that boring astronomy lecture. So go ahead, download some porn and wait for some interesting reactions to follow. Just watch out for viruses! 2) Enjoy a beverage: Well duh! Don’t let night class bring you down. Think of it as a way to kill two birds with one stone. You can receive participation points and do some pregaming. Why not spike that lemonade you were bringing? You never know, maybe a little buzz might just encourage you to raise your hand for once. 1) Just don’t go: Oh yeah, there’s that too. Sure you may be saying goodbye to five points, but who really gives a shit?

annie hiner wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The “Am I Really a Bro?” Bro Questionnaire 20 Valid Questions to Ask Yourself When Questioning Your Bro-ity shannon ryan wrote this Worried that you're a bro? Potentially excited? Wanna kick some nerd's ass? Take our handy quiz and see where you fall on the bro spectrum 1) Have you ever worn a visor upside down and backwards? 2) Do you substitute the word “bro” for other nouns? (Think “bro Montana” or “bro Mauer”) 3) Do your interests on Facebook include any of the following: - Making Money - Partying - Lifting Weights - Sublime Note: If you have all of the above four in your profile, then no need to continue this questionnaire. Yes, you really are a bro. 4) Do most people walk away when you are mid-sentence? 5) Is it common for you to “like” your own Facebook status? 6) Do you go out with the intention of “getting it in?” 7) Are you an avid practitioner of the “puke and rally” mode of life? 8) Do the majority of humans rightfully assume you are a dumbass? 9) Do you wake up most mornings and drink a protein shake? 10) Are you a member of a men’s volleyball league? 11) Is it common for you and your buddies to be Eskimo brothers? 12) Do you mention the sports you played in high school in most conversations? 13) Do you have a “quantity over quality” mindset when it comes to boning? 14) Do you appear farcical to most? 15) Did you have to look up the word farcical before answering the

above question? 16) Is the concept of having just one alcoholic beverage foreign to you? 17) Do you believe Muscle Milk is actually healthy for you? 18) Do you have over 1,200 Facebook friends? 19) Do you only start text conversations with females post midnight? 20) Would you say most women consider you a predator? All right folks, it is time to add up those check marks and answer yes or no to the status of bro. If you answered yes to ten or more of the above questions, then congratulations to you! You can officially deem yourself a bro! Let the results sink sweetly into that overly tanned skin of yours, and soak up the pros and cons list below. PROS: - You are relatively good looking. - It’s acceptable for you to day-drink, every day. - You a myriad of fuck buddies. - It’s suitable for you to do absolutely nothing within group projects, because no one assumes you will – yay! CONS: - Most people think you are dumb as shit. - Due to the amount of liquor you consume, your “hot body” will fade fast. - You don’t understand things that are really funny, for example Arrested Development. - Your life stops being funny when you’re an idiot dad.

The status of a bro is strived for by some, and loathed by others. Chances are you won’t be able to pledge a fraternity without it, but if hipster is more your style, then they will most definitely not accept your new status. If you are looking to reverse your bro status, you simply must do the opposite of every question you answered yes to. It sounds easy, but takes maturity and self-discipline. Therefore, I recommend you embrace your inner bro, put on a backwards visor, drink your sorrows away, and call up one of your many friends with benefits.

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The Freshmen Guide to Spring Jam annie hiner wrote this Dear Freshman, The snow has melted, girls are dressing in skimpier clothes, and finally you don’t look like a total dickhead for ordering a frappuccino. Not only is it finally spring, it's also time for the U’s very own special holiday, Spring Jam. Before you let your Spring Jam boner spring, please realize that although you’ve made it this far without dying or getting pregnant, you still haven’t made it through a Spring Jam. Listen closely, your Spring Jam will be a much more enjoyable experience without a $200 drinking ticket. This, my friend, is the freshmen guide to Spring Jam. First of all, as much as spontaneous freshman behavior is widely accepted in your miniature, construction-filled world that is the Super Block, understand that some actions are a little too ridiculous…even for Spring Jam. Chances are, as you sit through class wasted and sharing sloppy insight about Freud, or stumbling through Walter Library spilling Doritos all over the floor, you are going to think you are incredibly badass. This is false. As a freshman no one will ever view you as badass. Don’t you have anywhere better to go? Come on, even sitting in the back of a sketchy alley is better than being cooped up in a boring lecture hall for an hour and fifteen minutes. The rows of seats are empty for a reason, so figure it out. Secondly, make sure all your homework is done before the week starts because you will be drunk all week. Even though Spring Jam is technically only a three-day event, it used to

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be a full week. So even though there aren’t events all week, it's still a weeklong excuse to party. Sure you will still be struggling to do your homework the following week as you try to sleep off the constant hangover, but trust me, it's worth it. Don’t be the fool sitting alone in Walter Library, ruining your textbooks with your own tears. Spring Jam is not a time to stay up all night highlighting your textbook, the only thing that should be in your hand is a handle of Karkov. Also, make sure you are dressed appropriately for the occasion, specifically the concert. That neon tube top may sound like a good idea, but just wait until you accidentally flash the student body while crowdsurfing. This also means make sure you have a flask hidden somewhere throughout your outfit. The concerts are long and leave ample time for sobriety, which, of course, is a complete tragedy. Unfortunately, the U doesn’t sell brews outside of Coffman Union. Therefore, you must come equipped. Trust me, your bathroom breaks inside Coffman will be much more fun if you bring goodies. Not to mention being at a concert sober, does anyone even know what that is like? Lastly, don’t lose your friends, you will not find them. Don’t be the drunken idiot asking the workers at Mesa if they’ve seen your friend. And don't rely on cell phones either. Surely no one will answer their calls when they are busy dancing to “Party in The USA.” Plus, any text message you’ll receive during Spring Jam sure as hell won’t make any sense. Therefore, if you get lost, you’ll be stuck roaming the streets and searching for your friends dressed from head to toe in neon. Yeah,

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because that narrows it down… You are now ready to pop your Spring Jam cherry. Get wasted, get naked, but don’t get a ticket! Sincerely, A Wise Partier

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

MONDAY: Open Mic Night! $3 Coors Mugs $4 Guinness Pints $5 Double Jamo Ginger (9pm-Close)

Friday After Class (3-6p.m.) $1 pints, $1.50 margaritas Sizzling Fajita Platters

King of the Wings Contest Every Wednesday in April - 9pm Go Big or Go Home Fri & Sat $6 14oz. Doubles of Three Olives (Fri) & Bacardi (Sat) $4.50 22oz. Stadium Cup Bud Lt Taps Open 2 hours before every pro baseball game

AUC2D* (All-U-Care-2-Drink)

THURSDAY

Karaoke Night w/ Ick at 10PM! $2.50 LITs, $2 Coors Lite Pints

FRIDAY

Live Music at 9PM! $2 Michelob Golden $2.50 Rails $3 Grape Ape Shots

SATURDAY

$12 Buckets of Beer (12pm-6pm) $3 U Call It Shots (9pm-12am) $2.50 Dom. Btls. (9pm-Close) DJ KAZAAM!

2-for-1’s Nacho Platters Live DJ

Friday After Class (3-6p.m.) $1 pints, $1.50 margaritas Sizzling Fajita Platters

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m. Bloodies & Beer Pitchers of Jumbo Wings

*(college or military ID for AUC2D)

$6 AUC2D Domestic Taps $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells $1 O-Bombs $3 Jack Daniels & SoCo

$2 Jäger, Cherry & O Bombs $4 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands Late Night Happy Hour! (7-10pm) $4 Vodka/Redbulls $3 Pints and Wells $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls

$2 Jäger, Cherry & O Bombs $4 Bacardi Drinks Late Night Happy Hour! (7-10pm) $4 Vodka/Redbulls $3 Pints and Wells $25 Fishbowls

Happy Hour Every Single Day! Check Below for Times and Specials! Located at 1320 W. Lake Street in Uptown! Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

Friday Night Fish Fry Happy Hour (3pm-6pm): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

Kegs & Eggs from 10am-1pm Happy Hour (3pm-6pm) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m. Bloodies & Beer U Pick the Food Special (chimichangas, nachos, tacos, pitchers of wings)

$3 U-Call-It’s $6 Bud Light Pitchers $11 Bud Light Beer Towers Open 2hrs before home pro baseball games

Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers from 10am-Noon Breakfast Menu 10am-2pm Happy Hour (10pm-1am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

MONDAY

Open Mic Night! $3 Coors Mugs $4 Guinness Pints $5 Double Jamo Ginger (9pm-Close)

2-for-1’s Chimichanga Night (that’s your burrito fried golden brown!)

Mason Jar Monday $3 Bud & Bud Light $3 Double Wells, Jack & SoCo Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers

$2 Sloppy Jacks (Open to Close) Beer Pong Leagues Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

Hard Shell Taco Tuesday Birthday Night and Karaoke Drink free the week of your birthday (w/ 5 friends 21+)

$3 U-Call-It’s

TUESDAY

South of the Border Night $2.50 Mexican Beers $3 Cuervo Shots/Drinks $5 Patron Shots (4pm - Close)

Everyday: Happy Hour Open-7pm (pro baseball home games) $3 Domestic Taps & Rails $4 U-call-it’s

Trashy Can Tuesday: $1.50 Cans Live Acoustic Music Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm12am): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

WEDNESDAY

Live Music at 10PM! $3 Pitchers of Wings 2-4-1 Everything Behind the Bar! (8pm - Close)

15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til they’re gone) $8 Bottomless Mugs (Miller Lite, Wells, Bacardi Oakheart) $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall Boys”

$3 Mini Menu from 6pm-Close (includes $3 pitchers of Miller Lite from 6pm-9pm) Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm12am): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

SUNDAY

$7.99 Bottomless Mimosas and $12 Buckets until 6pm $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $3 Pints of Bells (6pm-Close)

Team Trivia with big prizes 29cent Jumbo Wings

We Got You Covered, All Week Long! Wednesday: Live Music at 10pm! Thursday: Karaoke with Saturday: DJ Kazaam! $3 Pitchers of Buffalo Wings $12 Buckets of Beer (12pm-6pm) Ick at 10pm! (8pm-Close) 2-for-1â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s on Anything Behind the Bar (8pm-Close)

$2 Coors Lights $2.50 Long Islands

$3 You Call It Shots (9pm -12am) $3 Domestic Bottles (9pm to close)

412 14TH AVENUE SOUTHEAST | (612) 331-1527 | BLARNEYMN.COM

WILD WEDNESDAYS! $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots Live DJ/Dancing | College I.D. Night Free Drinks 11pm - Midnight (w/ college I.D.) $5 Cover Without College I.D.

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday

SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyone Drinks Free! 9:30pm - 10:30pm Plus, 10 P.M. to Close: $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm

THURSDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

FRIDAY

Happy Hour: 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

SATURDAY

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

45 Cent Wings All Day

SUNDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its 99 cent taco's from 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Taps and Rail Drinks 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers

MONDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its $2.50 Cheeseburger and Fries 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Bottles and Rails 9-close

Everyone Drinks Free! 9:30pm - 10:30pm Plus, 10 P.M. to Close: $2 Rails, Dom. Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm

TUESDAY

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

WEDNESDAY

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-11 $2.50 "U" Call Its $1 Domestic Taps and Rails $2 Import Taps 9-close

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The Bar Grid

find us on

for ticket giveaways, set times, & up-to-the-minute show announcements

www.cabooze.com

sunday

april

saturday

w/ Thee evil creatures

Doors 9:00pm | Music 10:00pm | Cover $7 | 18+

april

s on a le !

Doors 4:00pm | Music 4:30pm | AA Tickets $16 Adv/$18 Door

saturday

friday

the infamous stringdusters w/ head for The hills

Doors 8:00pm | Music 9:00pm | 18+ Tickets $12 Adv/$12 Door

saturday

kinetix and sovereign sect Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$12 Door

april

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $20 Adv/$23 Door

s on a le !

ghostface killah w/ Villa Rosa • Anchormen • Homegrown Crew • DJ D Mil

april

the partier live, chazin entertainment & radio K present…

may

april

saturday

w/ Brokencyde • Deuce

s on a le !

april

thursday

blood on the dance floor

s on a le !

april

friday

w/ Paul basic

5/12 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -JUno whAT?! s on a le !

Doors 9:00pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $14 Adv/$17 Door

5/16 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - hoodIe ALLen 5/18 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - kRAddy

sma presents…

the english beat w/ Umbrella bed

5/19 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - wookIefooT

Doors 7:00pm | Music 8:00pm | 18+ Tickets $20 Adv/$22 Door

thursday

“fight to unite” tour featuring

4/28 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - kIneTIx

s on a le !

w/ Ifdikar

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | Cover $7 | 18+

monday

13 15 19 21 27 19

break science and gramatik

5/20 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The AggRoLITes 5/23 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - keys n kRATes 5/25 - -edwARd shARPe & The mAgneTIc zeRos

goulash

5/26 - - - -Tech n9ne’s hosTILe TAkeoveR ToUR

w/ The Premiums • The Thundertones • Levelheads

6/4 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - mewIThoUTyoU

Doors 9:00pm | Music 10:00pm | Cover $7 | 18+

6/8 - - - - - - cAbooze PResenTs: gReg LAsweLL

the boys n’ the barrels

6/9 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - heATbox

and

7/10 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - dIck dALe

the gypsy lumberjacks w/ The evergreen grass band

7/21 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - beIRUT

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | Cover $7 | 18+ the partier live, chazin entertainment & radio K present…

de la soul

w/ More Than Lights • Devine Collection Duenday • DJ Blunthead Doors 9:00pm | Music 10:00pm | 18+ Tickets $23 Adv/$25 Door

s on a le !

april

12 dead larry 14 16 20 26 28

just announced/on sale

plm spring tour featuring

wookiefoot

w/ More Than Lights • Jon Wayne & The Pain Doors TBD | Music TBD | 18+ Tickets $14 Adv/$17 Door

s on a le !

useful jenkins

friday

april

thursday

n ! o le a s

Friday, May 25

Saturday, May 26

Saturday, July 21

first avenue, rose, & cabooze present...

tech n9ne’s

first avenue, rose, & cabooze present...

edward sharpe &

“hostile takeover tour 2012”

the magnetic zeros with he’s my brother she’s my sister

with Machine Gun Kelly • Krizz Kaliko • Mayday • Prozak • Stevie Stone

Doors 6:00pm | Music 7:00pm | AA Tickets $30 Adv/$35 Door

Doors 4:30pm | Music 5:30pm | AA Tickets $32.50 Adv/$35 Door

beirut

Doors 6:00pm | Music 7:00pm | AA Tickets $25 Adv/$25 Door

www.cabooze.com • 917 Cedar Avenue S, Minneapolis, MN • Info LIne 612.338.6425 • check us out on TIckeTs AvAILAbLe AT www.cabooze.com, www.ticketfly.com, The Joint bar, electric fetus, know name Records, Treehouse Records, cowboy slims Uptown, cowboy Jacks Plymouth & bloomington, & Red’s savoy Pizza Uptown, or at 1-877-435-9849

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender

of the

Issue Nickname: Swanny

Favorite Bar: 331 Club

Age: Old

Favorite Quote: “Tip your bartender.”

Favorite Drink: Jameson, neat

John

ub l k t a c y t kit

Porn Name: Dirk Thunder

Pet Peeve: People who don't tip or who can't get off their cell phones when they order.

Three Wishes: Money, time and world tolerance.

Hangover Cure: McDonald's fries, hamburger and a Coke.

Created Holiday: National Whiskey Day, October 25th.

Favorite Musician: Die Antwoord Worst Overheard: I saw an affair while it was happening... Favorite Shot: Pineapple Upside Down Cake or Red Breast.

drinking game:

Drunk Easter Egg Hunt

recipe for disaster:

Popcorn Puppy Chow

Easter may be over, but you still have a shit ton of those eggs left. “Why did the Easter egg hide?” Many of you may have once thought it was because, “He was a little chicken.” Wrong. That Easter egg is hiding because you are about to chuck him at somebody’s car while ridiculously hammered. In response to your desperate cries to get those awful pastel eggs out of your apartments, we offer you this wild egg hunt that will leave you spinning.

We’ve put a spin on the recipe and added popcorn! As if the world’s greatest snack couldn’t get any better, the addition of popcorn to puppy chow is the greatest addition to a classic concoction since whiskey was added to Coke. Popcorn puppy chow also provides another perfect way to take the random crap you call your “groceries” and make them into something actually appetizing.

What You’ll Need: Eggs, markers, and lots of alcohol. Number of People: As many Jesus-loving folks that you can find. Level of Intoxication: D.R.U.N.K!

What you’ll need: Popcorn, chocolate, peanut butter, ½ stick of butter, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The only thing semi-healthy about this is the popcorn, and even that’s a stretch. Let’s Get Poppin': -Pop some popcorn (rule of thumb: kettle corn is for bitches). -Microwave chocolate, peanut butter, and butter until melted. Stir that shit up. -Ooze your chocolate-peanut-buttery goop all over your popcorn until evenly coated. -Add powdered sugar and mix around until everything turns white. -Grab a handful, stuff your face and be shameless with it.

How to Play: -The designated “Easter Bunny” writes drinks on slips of paper and puts them inside plastic Easter eggs. Drinks are up to the Easter Bunny, but can range from shots, double shots, beer shotguns, beer bongs, etc. (Have fun with this; the players are your bitches, and you can make them do whatever you want for a whole round.) - The eggs are dispersed around the designated game boundaries (apartment, frat house, etc). - Once the eggs are dispersed, the players run around finding the eggs and drinking as much as the eggs say. - Once players find an egg and do the drinking task, they can chuck the egg at someone and get them “out,” thus eliminating the competition and maximizing their drinking opportunities. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone and the last player standing then becomes the Easter Bunny. The game can be played repeatedly all day, but players are advised to keep the number of games to a minimum, unless money for an ambulance ride is readily available.

Thirsty for More?

theblacksheeponline.com

The next thing you know, popcorn puppy chow will be a staple at movie theaters across the country. However, knowing the way movie theaters price their food, this delicious concoction will surely cost you nothing short of an arm, a leg, and a fair amount of dignity. Because of this, we advise you to make it while it’s cheap and delicious.

Sweeps Season: With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.

Happy Endings (ABC)

Marry, Bang, Kill Edition

Marry!

In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.

New Girl (FOX) In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel! Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic.

Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing. Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.

To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”

That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t The show is full of plausible scenarios execut- have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hell-bend on remaining that way? Zuh? ed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just A comedy based in reality, teased out to be wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby hilarious? Well, we’ll be damned. could just get on with his miserable life?

Person of Interest (CBS) Ba ng!

New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his

In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?

Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.

Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.

Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:

Or, Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-theteeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the universe of alien pedophiles.

It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interest sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain worthy of some praise.

In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!

Kill!

There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horn-dogs! There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL!

Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!

sodes, and the moral each story: Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit. Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids. This was supposed to be a comedy, right?

Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!

Bang!

Kill!

Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than an extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.

Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence. That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.

But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh. Seriously, look at the premise of two epi-

2 Broke Girls (CBS)

henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!

Up All Night (NBC)

In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.

Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer to take care of his dirty work.

Marry!

There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “We think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks,” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “She spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”

One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weakwilled writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of

exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “Well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Shpongle

You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Check them out May 27th in Geneva, Minnesota at the Bella Fiore. The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music? Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music. TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it? Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.

cd review

m.ward a wasteland companion Predictably great chill tunes, man.

M. Ward is a phenomenal singer, songwriter and guitarist who’s been around for over a decade, consistently performing and releasing music, never faltering on his undeniable raw talent. He’s also one half of She & Him with the adorkable Zooey Deschanel, and one quarter of the incredibly talented 2009 folk collaboration, Monsters of Folk. Not to mention his nearly constant touring and various other collaborations throughout the years, that’s a whole hell of a lot of information about a quiet guy from the west coast. A Wasteland Companion is M. Ward’s 8th album, a feat for anyone and especially for someone who’s under 40. At this point in his career, it’s assumed and quite blatant that he’s got his shit down. M. Ward knows exactly who he is, what and how he’s going to play his music, and, perhaps most importantly, what his fans like. That’s not to say that he hasn’t grown as an artist or become more polished, but if you listen to his discography, it’s all pretty damn similar—acoustic folk music with passionate, relatable lyrics that sometimes make you sad and sometimes give you the chills. The majority of his songs hover around 3 minutes, but often times much less with barely enough time to even get a song rolling. With him, it’s not so much about finding one song that stands out (though it’s happened, obviously), but enjoying everything just as it happens to be.

TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images) and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about? Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd.

out now

GRADE b

At just under 40-minutes long, A Wasteland Companion is nothing but predictably great M. Ward quintessential folk rock. The first song released was, “The First Time I Ran Away,” a low-key tune with sparse, simple lyrics and subtle guitar—one of the slower and weaker tracks on the album. Some of my favorites, though, are “Me and My Shadow” and “Crawl After You” because they’re two of the more interesting, stand-out songs on the album. “Crawl After You” is particularly beautiful with a nice piano and violins melodies (and painfully cute lyrics). And, if you listen closely throughout the album, you might just hear Deschanel herself featured in a few of the tracks. Subtly, of course. It’s a damn shame if you haven’t checked M. Ward out by now because he’s definitely worth a listen. But if you’re going to get this album, you’ve got to check out some of his other stuff (Post-War is a personal favorite) too. That way, if any of his songs get a little too slow, you can just go on to the next one (on to the next one). Sounds Like: A shy honeybee drinking lemonade on a bench, by himself. Download: Me and My Shadow, Crawl After You, Primitive Girl Listen to it When: You’re just vibing out, preferably in a hammock or by a lake.

TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’ Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect. TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind? Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment. So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain. TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props? Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter. TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level? Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though! TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice? Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.

UPCOMING RELEASES Bonnie Raitt - Slipstream Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine

Alabama Shakes - Boys & Girls Taproot - Episodes

Jason Mraz - Love is a Four Letter Word Train - California 37

Neon Trees - Picture Show Yann Tiersen - Skyline

class tim e

the madlib: a dubstep show Hey __1__, have you heard of this new music, dubstep? I don’t know how I haven’t heard that shit before, it’s so __2__. Basically, it’s electronic music with these drops, which are instances where the musician makes a noise like two __3__ __4__. Have you heard of __5__? I really __6__ that guy. Last week __7__ asked me to a __8__ concert, so I __9__ went. When we arrived it was pretty obvious everyone was on __10__. There was a girl wearing a shiny __11__ that you could see under her light-up __12__. A guy with hair like a __13__ offered me some __14__, but when I saw his __15__ I was like, “no thanks, man.” So, during the concert this guy was doing this dance, it looked like he was trying to __16__and __17__ at the same time. I had to __18__ him, because he looked like __19__. Later that night some girl __20__on the dance floor. Everyone around her jumped they were so __21__. Eventually the show ended and we all went home, but I had such a __22__ time I couldn’t fall asleep until __23__.

1) Name 2) Adjective 3) Animal 4) Verb 5) Dubstep artist 6) Adjective 7) Name 8) Dubstep artist 9) Adjective 10) Drug 11) Clothing article

12) Clothing article 13) Clothing article 14) Noun 15) Body part 16) Dance move 17) Dance move 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Adjective 22) Adjective 23) Time

class tim e

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