h watc y e s r e j lose re - ell o h s ain c a br
take another final - take a shot
get d by ho enied lose t t.a. a tur n
ta pl lk le to ay t o m ft f you er in o r ut r es 20
es lin n ite a recom me r 2 fr ls fo s gir inute m
p po f 0! o $2 tle gne nd t a fi o mp b a ha c
1) Play fun games from The Black Sheep when you're procrastinating studying. 2) Try not to get too wasted before your finals. 3) Don't cheat. Or, don't get caught. 4) Enjoy multiple spirits after your last final.
ed al! sh in 1 i n f fi st ug r r fi ch bee
r rub you d belly an r u o y t pa r 30 head fo ds n o c se
you're drooling - go back 3 spots
fantisiz e about b eer for awh ile
scor legit e a s guide tudy -h ahea op d 4 spo ts
mo fun re stu that dy righ ing, t?
expand your mind... skip 1 turn
ge t ch cau go eat gh ba ing t st ck t ! ar t o
fa n ab tasi sp out ze br ring ea k b a n sig g yo u n r if oth ican t e lo r str se ess
finish group project, squeel in delight
RULES:
st la ter ll h pu -nig ip 2 l k s al -s rn tu
e" ng ak i s sh is l ilk ke "m by
t w rad it e to h p pa l n le yo ay ts ft ur er
ur close yo d n a s eye ot h s a e k ta
h o ld you b r f r eath r o ev ju er. kid st din g. pul nig l an a th hte ll e librr at ary
get a tuto hot rskip 1 spo t
ee fr l a d al fin der gain a d a ll ro e iz t or tex e n em m tire in o t en ok gh bo ni
r y emin o th urs d at el be it ge f tte ts r bu m ho of a c m m f a ig ne an ele xt - s ss k t ur ip n
you a r damn e so fa still r
on k go boo xt e ce fa se n n o r - l tu
bo be ng a fo r bee fin e la r al st
e om , t s tion e g iva t p. mo asa
e u'r t yo mos ! al ere th up on ck k y pi ac wa . -p r 12 ou me y ho
computer crashes! drop the f bomb 5 times
The Fun and Games Finals Issue
! e d
i RIX s n T
I MA DE f f T UI
u EN T G t S M F
ES Z N GI UIZ I r e RTA AY , Q E! h OtENTE OLIDDLIBS MOR - - H A ND -M A
02 campus manager Scott McVey editorial manager Monty Miller
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YOU FROM US 12
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Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at Ole Miss, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at vcu@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep
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THe top ten
04
The Evil That Is Finals Week
Ways to put off studying for finals
billy wrote this So here we are, Christmas break is right around the corner. For Ole Miss students that means six weeks free of any scholastic obligations. Six magical and wondrous weeks filled with quality time with family, lending a helping hand to the homeless and the needy, spreading holiday cheer to all the wonderful people you encounter. HA, YEAH RIGHT! We all know what Christmas break is about. It’s about meeting back up with your high school cronies for a month-long competition in which each participant must pour as much booze down their throat as possible. “Eggnog anyone?” “Yeah dog, pass that ish over here. I need something to wash this Goldschlager down with.” It’s about grubbing late night with your bros after you drunkenly hooked up with that lazy-eyed redhead from high school with speech impediment. You exit the bedroom victorious, your dudes on the couch. In unison you all scream, “DAMN!” It’s about taking a dump in a paper bag and setting it aflame on your ex-girlfriend’s doorstep while you yell at her dad through the flames, “Lick my gooch, assclown!” Unfortunately, there’s currently a roadblock preventing you from heading back home to your old stomping grounds to assert your party dominance. Don’t worry guys, it’s not a real roadblock, not like they would find your weed anyway. But seriously, this is an obstacle that can suck the life out of you (insert blowjob joke here). This is an obstacle that will bring the weak to their knees (insert another blowjob joke here). This obstacle, of course, is finals week. Originally created by bloodthirsty gypsies
in the Middle Ages as a weeklong carnival dedicated to Satan, in which newborn puppies were slaughtered for the sake of “learning,” the event has now become a much more despicable display of evil. Descendents of these first-generation Satan-worshipping fanatics have ingrained themselves into our nation’s academic inner circles, emerging as a new force of evil, calling themselves such things as “teachers,” “professors,” or even “doctors.” The nerve of these people. Doctor? You call yourself a doctor? Yeah, and I’m a fucking unicorn. These people have happily taken the torch of evil from their forefathers, and instead of sacrificing puppies in Lucifer’s name, they have turned to a new tactic: Giving young adults five final, comprehensive exams within a span of five days. They do this with one goal in mind: to ruin Christmas. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to let that happen. Who cares about most of the shit we are required to learn anyway? We should devote hours upon hours of my valuable leisure time to studying for a geology final? Yeah, the only time that’s coming in handy is when the future wife makes me choose a new countertop. “Limestone or granite? Well, wife, good thing you came to me, I took a geology class in college, you see…” Why do these teachers have to make finals week so damn depressing? When I’m up late at night on a Wednesday, I’m not trying to study debits and credits; I’m trying to watch hardcore pornography in peace like a regular member of society. What kind of sick individual gets pleasure from forcing others to cram 16 chapters
10) Reorganize your computer. Oftentimes you’re staring at your computer for long periods of time, trying as hard as you can to avoid actually looking at that biology study guide. You’ll notice every last misplaced, mislabeled, or useless file. At this point you’ve discovered a way to procrastinate: Get rid of all that shitty porn from high school. 9) Exercise is something that never even crosses your mind… unless you’re doing everything in your power to avoid reading six chapters of philosophy from the classes that you slept through. In this case busting out a few pushups isn’t a bad way to run the clock a few more minutes into the morning.
of material into their brain overnight one day for a test? And they don’t even try to make the subjects interesting. In biology classes all the teachers care about are plants and asexual reproduction and shit. What the hell are you trying to do? Bore us to death? Show us some tits or something. As an upperclassman, I’ve been through the trials and tribulations of numerous finals weeks. This year, I say “no more,” and I encourage you to do the same. Don’t get cracked out on a bunch of Adderall and lash out at your friends. Instead, embrace the spirit of the holiday season and pour booze down your throat at an unbelievably rapid rate. Tell your teachers you don’t like them. Make obscene gestures at old people. Throw rocks at cars. Go get some chalk and make sidewalk art with your friends. Go play mini golf with your pediatrician. Anything to get your mind off the black hole that is finals week, because it is not worth getting worked up over. Christmas is right around the corner. See you soon, Santa, ya old bastard!
WHAT DOES OPD DO WHEN THE STUDENTS GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
stan marsh wrote this
“The mission of the Oxford Police Department is to prevent crime, preserve order, and to protect the rights, lives and property of the citizens of Oxford. We will cultivate partnerships within our community to identify and effectively respond to the diverse, ever-changing social and cultural demands. Together we will accomplish this with emphasis on integrity, fairness and professionalism.” Sure, there are some very respectable officers in Oxford, but there are also the meathead, “I was picked on when I was younger, so now I’m getting back at you,” officers in Oxford. To most of the student population, The Oxford Police Department’s mission is to arrest college students for partying. They linger around The Square at night, just waiting to pounce on their next victim. They wait for that girl wearing 4-inch heels to accidentally stumble in the alley so they can slap her in the face with a pubic intoxication ticket and an evening in the Lafayette County Detention Center. Oh, and her man for the evening lands himself in the LCDC as well for trying to explain that she has a slight balance problem. That’s real professionalism and fairness. That’s just a small example of the unnecessary arrests made by OPD. Well, what the hell are they going to do with all the students home for the holidays? Maybe they’ll just be bored out of their minds. Hell, they’ll buy the townie kids beer just so they can get a bunch of wasted fourteen-year-olds in the back of a squad car, just like the good ole days. Or maybe they take advantage of their newfound free time by
taking it easy with a few brews, stuffing their faces with donuts while ripping some burnin’ rubber versions of the same in the Ole Miss parking lots. Hey, those Dodge Chargers have lots of torque, right? I bet they use that free time to pull some seriously hilarious pranks. After all, sworn officers can have a little bit of fun once in a while. Each year they probably take advantage of their position of authority to really let their Ole Miss fandom shine. They get all incognito, head over to Starkville and start some real shit. They mosey up in plainclothes to MSU fans wearing Bulldog gear and provoke the shit outta them. Once the idiot starts pushing back, bam! Here comes the ole’ mace in the eye. Who knows, they probably spend all of their time catching up on other police work. Sure, there’s probably hundreds of drinking tickets to properly file, but I bet they spend most of their time going over old casework, trying to solve some real crimes. That’s gotta be it. When we get back from break I’m going to march on down to the ole’ police station so they can walk me through how they solved the mysterious case of, you know…the three times my house has been broken into this year. They’ll have the crime solved for sure! Well, probably not. In all honesty, the OPD spends their break in the same catatonic state as the students. Busting underagers with malt liquor and confiscating a frat brother’s weed is seriously hard work. They’re looking forward to the six-week break so they can better prepare for screwing over everyone they haven’t fined this semester. Yeah, that’s the (drinking) ticket.
8) After a long night of procrastinating you’ll probably want some energy to help you procrastinate some more, so make a coffee run. If you’re a pro you’ll go to the Kroger to buy those coffee filters you forgot so you can spend a really long time mixing and matching, attempting to find the perfect blend, roast and grind. 7) Smoking a cigarette is a classic. It’s easy to justify a 5 minute smoke break. I love seeing all the “I only smoke when I drink” types get geeked out on some Vyvance and end up outside the library at 3 a.m. freezing their asses off and chiefing cigs like Don Draper after sex. 6) Your fucked up iTunes library will provide you with hours of distraction. You know that section at the bottom that has all the nameless and artist-less tracks. Find out what they are. Use Shazam or just Google the first few words. 20 songs and an hour later you’ll have a false sense of accomplishment that’ll give you the confidence to waste even more time. 5) YouTube offers a never-ending stream of stupid shit to take your mind off of those shitty notes you took in accounting. You can watch everything from a dubstep remix of a sneezing panda to a fake theatrical preview for a live action Pokemon movie (Find it. Watch it). Who wants to study when you could do that? 4) Laundry always seems to be pretty backed up around exam time. It’s really not, it’s only been a week since your mom washed every last item of clothing you own during Thanksgiving, but it still seems that way. That’s because you would rather wash, dry, and fold rather than actually studying for your cumulative final. 3) Often a procrastinator will decide that he or she must have something before being able to study. This leads directly to the Wal-Mart run. Said killer of time can decide that he or she needs anything from batteries to a new air filter or maybe a new notebook or some hummus or perhaps some dog food or condoms or a new hunting rifle. They’ve got it all and if you go late enough you can ride the electric carts without anyone getting mad. 2) StumbleUpon is the perfect distraction for somebody trying not to study. You press a button and go to a random page that the Stumble Gods know you’ll like and your Concerta-powered brain absorbs all the information and then you press it again and the same thing happens… forever. 1) Adderall makes people clean everything. It’s a scientific fact. And nothing will make a person notice things that need to be cleaned like a desire to avoid studying that burns deep in their loins. Nothing says commitment to procrastination like removing everything from a room, cleaning every inch of the room, and rearranging/organizing all the stuff after brining it back in.
05
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Are you Smarter Than?
The scoreboard:
5 michael's score
michael's answers
Michael Gresham President of Chi Epsilon Civil Engineering Honor Society 1. Who was the lead actor in Superman II?
ida to the United States in 1891?
2. Who wrote Julius Caesar, Macbeth and Hamlet?
5. What is the main unit of currency in Japan?
3. Where is the smallest bone in the human body located?
6. What is the hardest rock in the world?
9. What was the first planet to be discovered by telescope in 1781?
7. Who cut off Vincent Van Gogh’s ear?
10. What is the world’s largest ocean?
4. What country gave Flor-
madlib: 1) Famous Ole Miss alum 2) adjective 3) potential new coach 4) adjective 5) period of time 6) Ole Miss player 7) adjective 8) football play 9) same as 4 10) body part 11) period of time
12) Body part 13) Oxford location 14) adjective 15) number 16) number 17) number 18) famous bowl game 19) adjective 20) football rival 21) adjective
your score
8. Who was the voice behind “Woody” in Disney Pixar’s Toy Story?
1) Christopher Walken 2) William Shakespeare 3) Nose 4) Spain 5) The Yen 6) Bedrock 7) Floyd Mayweather 8) Tom Hanks 9) Mars 10) Pacific
correct answers: 1. Christopher Reeves 2. William Shakespeare 3. Ear 4. Spain 5. The Yen
6. Diamond 7. Vincent Van Gogh 8. Tom Hanks 9. Uranus 10. Pacific
The New Coach! When Ole Miss announced a new head coach, ___1___ could not believe who it was. Everyone was ___2___ about ___3___ and what he could do to this program. This was the most ___4___ thing that has happened in many ___5___. Many member of the media attended the first practice to see how ___6___ was looking. Everyone was ___7___ with what the new coach had done to the team. It looked like we were watching a whole new squad. I couldn’t believe my eyes. When the practice ended with a ___8___, fans waited to get the new coach’s autograph, someone even asked ____9___ to sign their ___10___. I waited for __11__ hours just to shake his ___12___ and get his autograph. Once I talked to the New coach I went to ___13___, to ___14___ for the upcoming weekend. The next season, Ole Miss was ranked ___15___ in the preseason. The first game Ole Miss Defeated Central Arkansas ____ to ___. After that game, we knew that our chances to go to ___18__ Bowl were awesome. The rest of the season was completely ___19___, we even got beat by ___20___, one of the ___21___ teams in the nation.
06
quiz:
1. On Christmas Eve, you’re busy… a) Spending time with the lovely, beautiful, bright, intelligent members of your family. b) Eating dinner with the family, then having a few brews at your high school buddy’s house, just like old times. c) Getting arrested for getting in a bar fight. 2. Your little cousin believes in Santa Claus. What do you do? a) You just ignore the young, naïve dude and put up with all of his nonsense about the magic man from the north. b) You go along with it and tell your cousin magical stories of Santa Claus. c) You ruin his childhood by telling him that Santa isn’t real and that his parents have been lying to him his whole life. 3. When riding around looking at Christmas lights you are... a) Drunk, with your friends, making reindeer figures hump each other. b) With your friends, smoking bowls and admiring the Christmas lights. Do you see
www.theblacksheeponline.com
What Kind of Christmas Breaker are you? that one? It’s so, like, profound, man. c) With your family, enjoying every moment that you are with them, because it doesn’t get much better than this. 4. Your cousins are having Christmas with your family. Do you… a) Say “screw the cousins” and leave them hanging with nothing. b) Hop on over to Best Buy so you can grab them a $10 gift card. c) Find out a month beforehand so you can buy them an awesome gift that they’ll never forget. 5. Before Christmas dinner, you’re... a) Playing a game of Chutes and Ladders with the little ones. b) Getting drunk on egg nog with your dad to pass the time. c) Out back getting baked so it will be one of the best meals that you’ll ever have. 6. Your average Christmas break day would go something like this: a) You wake up at 7 a.m. just so you can help your mother do all of the day’s
chores. b) After a long night of partying you wake up at 2p.m. so you can start the same cycle all over again. c) Sitting at home doing nothing but playing Modern Warfare 3 on XBOX 360. 7. On Christmas day, you are… a) Giving thanks for everything that you have received, Jesus is pretty cool. b) Getting really baked and eating everything in the house. c) Drinking all of the spirits in the liquor cabinet to get away from all of the Christmas spirit. 8. Christmas carolers come to your door. You… a) You are really high and enjoy the music. You begin to sing along with them. b) Pretend to have interest and listen to all of it. You and your friends are bored so you run around the house and pelt them with snowballs. c) Pretend to have interest and listen to all of it, the human voice sure is amazing.
Results 8-13: Aw, what a sweetheart. To you, home really is where the heart is. Sure, you have an alright time at Ole Miss, but it’s just a four-year deployment away from your family. Christmas, to you, is about more than the presents. 14-19: So, you’re in college. Welcome to the fat middle, dude. Like most everyone in college, you’ll spend your break doing things that you like to do in your free time. Without the burden of schoolwork, ain’t no one gonna tell you how to live your life. 20-24: Everyone hates you, dude. Looks like some time in Oxford hasn’t helped you grow up at all. You’re still acting like a high school jackass. Coal would be welcome in your stocking, it’s better than all the reindeer shit Santa’s going to put in it.
answers 1) 2) 3) 4)
a=1, a=2, a=3, a=3,
b=2, b=1, b=2, b=2,
c=3 c=3 c=1 c=1
OXFORD, MS
OOL • L I V E MU SI C
JANUARY 2012
5) 6) 7) 8)
a=1, a=1, a=1, a=2,
b=3, b=3, b=2, b=3,
c=2 c=2 c=3 c=1
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Animal Hour 9-10 3 for 1 Beers 2 for 1 Shots
2 for 1 Wells Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
Happy Hour (4:30-6:30) Buy One, Get One Drinks Beers, House Sake, Wells Buy 1 Specialty Roll, Get a Regular Roll for FREE Hibachi Dinner for 2: $32.95 Chicken, Steak & Shrimp
Happy Hour 4-7
WED
$0.25 Wings $2 Pitchers
$0.25 Wings $2 Tacos $4 Margaritas
$0.25 Wings PINT NIGHT! $1 Refill on Draft Wall
$10 Burgers & Beer
southdepottacoshop.com!
$1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
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Down 1) The KKK dreams of this kind of Christmas 3) ____Day, December 26 4) A plurality of four across. 6) Carolers sing these door-to-door 7) I'll Be ____ for Christmas 10) O' Come All Ye ____ 11) The biggest sissy of all Santa’s reindeer 13) Where Santa Claus is coming to 15) Tom Hanks’ express isn’t bi-___, just…
solution:
7) Home 8) Little 9) Humbug 10) Festivus (10 down is Faithful) 11) Prancer
ACROSS: 2) 1/3 of Santa’s trademark phrase, backwards 4) Michael and Gabriel were St. Louis versions of these. 5) A French alternative to Christmas 6) Sandler’s “The Hanukkah ____ “ 8) Approximate size of Bethlehem, the town, O. 9) What Ebenezer Scrooge likes to say. 10) Frank Costanza's Christmas alternative 12) Elvis Christmas Song, “Pretty ____” 14) This pay-for-a-night business shut down Mary and Joseph 16) Farther south, walking in a winter one of these is difficult 17) Best thing to do on Christmas
1) White 2) Oh 3) Boxing 4) Angel 5) Noel 6) Song
questions:
the all about the holidays crossword!
12) Paper 13) Town 14) Inn 15) Polar 16) Wonderland 17) Eat
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the ultimate at-home drinking game
One of the worst things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).
on the car ride home
when decorating for the holidays...
Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.
Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.
while celebrating the holidays with your family Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.
while last minute shopping Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.
On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.
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holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person
MotorolaA
For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.
The Designated Driver
Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.
Mr. Super Broke
What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!
trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!
Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.
Lululemon
Destined for Greatness Duffel
Timbuk 2M
PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.
Are You on the Naughty List?
PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other onthe-go occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.
essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.
Lap Dock 100 Motorola
Chrome
Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag
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PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.
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eer Making Starter Kit
Homebrewers OutpostB
Short's Brewery
PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.
PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?
Peligroso Reposado
42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!
Samsung
Galaxy Tablet 10.1
Variety Pack
PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The highresolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions—making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!
Under $25 Gift Packages! For the Lusty Lover
(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.
FOR THE Super Greek
(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-alug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.
for the Study Buddy
(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)
Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).
holiday gift guide 2011
Quiz: What High School Friend Are You? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… A) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. B) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. C) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. And Mom, if you threw away that KoRn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… A) You took down your “Co-Exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one? B) You took down the hitter box you stashed in your closet. After the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. C) You took down that Kate Upton poster. She just doesn’t compare anymore. 3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… A) You no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. B) He’s not wearing a promise ring. C) That beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for The Lord. 4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, A) “Do they have Skype? I need to use it.” B) “When did the party ever stop, dude?” C) “Let me put on my Temple garments first.”
Key:
1) A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 2) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 3) A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 4) A: 1 B: 3 C: 2 5) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 6) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 7) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 8) A: 3 B: 2 C: 1
5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… A) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” B) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” C) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when Animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.” 6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… A) People who are destined for hell. B) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores! C) Reasonably-priced homes for you and Karen to move into in three years. 7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, A) “I’VE HAD SEX!” B) “Christ can heal more than just your physical body, my Brother.” C) “Hey, does Shakey Bakes have anything new in?” 8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. C) Making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.
8-13: You’ve found love!
14-19: You’ve found God!
While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the cquiet Friday night you and Beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really getting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on YouPorn.
There you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” The next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.
Dylan m dermott
20-24: You’ve found…college isn’t really for you.
beyonce knowles
After a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. And while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPA is closer to 0.4. Maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.
BlackSheep_OM Search "The Black Sheep Ole Miss"
madlib: The Crazy Story You’ll Tell Your High School Friends 1: Period of time 2: Name 3: Verb (-ing) 4: Noun 5: Time of day 6: Adjective 7: Noun 8: Campus store that would sell (7) 9: Marginalized person 10: Something you’d have in your pocket 11: Same as 10 12: Verb 13: Noun 14: Area of town
15: Obscenity 16: Verb (-s) 17: Same as 16 (-ing) 18: Obscenity 19: Obscenity 20: Verb 21: Same as 9 22: Group of people 23: Same as 2 24: Obscenity 25: Same as 9 26: Verb (-ed) 27: Noun 28: Same as 3 29: Something that you can (3)
Dude, you won’t believe this story. So, a couple of __1__ ago my buddy __2__ and I decided to start __3__ __4__ as soon as we woke up. Obviously by __5__ we were pretty __6__, so we decided to go get some __7__. On the way to __8__ we saw this __9__. We made eye contact and he asked us for a__10__. Of course I gave him __11__, but only if he’d __12__ for it. After, he wouldn’t stop following us. He kept asking us to go with him to buy some __13__, and finally we obliged. We’re walking towards __14__ with this guy and all of a sudden he screams, “__15__!” and just starts sobbing. We try to console him, but instead he turns around and __16__. Dude keeps __17__ my buddy, screaming “__18__ you, you __19__ !” Finally, I get my bearings about me, I just __20__ this __21__so hard. It was crazy, but it wasn’t over yet. Out of nowhere these three __22__ show up, __23__’s bleeding, and I’m like, “__24__.” Turns out, they weren’t after me they’re after this __25__, because once he __26__ on a __27__. In short, I’m never __28__ __29__ again.
Holiday Partyscopes!
Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.)
Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in.
Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure!
Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after.
Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.
CORNER
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$1 JELLO SHOTS $2 PBR LONGNECKS $2 CHAMPAGNE
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