Ole Miss - 2/8/12 - v02i02 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

Fre e ex ...like on bo Va ot len y c tin alli e's ng day you ... r

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 2 2/08/12 - 2/22/12

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ANTI-VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY! Ryanne Flanders wrote this Purpose: To get drunk and forget that we are all forever alone and single and basically worthless. This provides everyone with a chance to hate on those who are not single, forever alone, and worthless. If you’re lucky, to find someone to bang and cry with after. Bring beer. Who’s Invited: Singletons. Bring coolers. Place: Empty ass, furnitureless, can’t possibly screw anything up, nothing to break college place on that one road everyone knows about but frequently passes and can’t possibly find in drunken stupor. The one off that main road that leads to everything. Bring Jameson. Time: When-the-hell-ever. But don’t show up before 10. That’s lame. All the cool parties are late. So like... Midnight. But really 2 a.m. Bring Captain Morgan. Host: A person who will kick your ass if you think about smoking, throwing up, having sex, or being all-around repulsive in their bedroom. That that to the back yard. Bring Ketel One. Dress Code: Whore-chic. Bring riesling. Directions: Drive until you see some cars going in the same direction and follow them until you happen upon a house with 5174518134875 cars parked in a space meant for 3. This should take about 3 hours, so leave home 5 hours early. On second thought, call a cab. Bring cranberry juice. Theme: Hate. Bitterness. Self-pity. Bring orange juice. RSVP: Call 555-SUCK-IT! (555-782-5481) to leave a voicemail that will never be listened to. Or you can tell a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who knows the guy who lives by the guy that knows the guy throwing the party. Bring ice. Special Notes: Guys, if you’re planning to get laid please know that you will have to listen to numerous

Other stuff

Inside

girls cry about how their ex-boyfriends from three years ago said they loved them and would never leave them, but here they are all alone, and they just really don’t understand, and want someone to love and hold, and they may possibly throw up on your shoes but at least they did it before you were in bed. Make sure to wear a condom because they probably have crabs.

the place for you. Bring condoms. He probably has crabs.

Girls, don’t think you’re going to find a boyfriend here. These guys are preying on your weakness and instability. If you don’t want to be left soulless walking down the street in your clothes from the night before, it would be best not to attend this party. If you must attend, don’t look anyone directly in the eyes. That is, unless you want to be used and abused. If that’s your thing, this is

If you’re not single, don’t come. Seriously. No one wants to see your smug face. So, don’t show up holding hands after your lovely, candlelit dinner thinking you’ll have a couple of drinks and go home. Really. Not a single person in that room wants you there. Go home and make boring, committed, monogamous sex.

The Top Ten

If you don’t like shit-shows, stay home. Chances are you’re in a relationship and this isn’t the place for you anyway. You should stay at home and play Taboo while drinking sangrias and reflecting on how well your life is going. By the way, we hate you.

Valentine’s Day From Every Perspective

Bartender of the Week

Ways to Increase Attendance at Basketball Games

Well, we left out the squirrel’s perspective, that guy’s nuts.

Ali from Burgundy Room doesn’t want to be found.

see page 7

see page 10

see page 11

Table of contents PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 4 >>> page 6 >>> page 12 >>> PAGE 13 >>>

Body Language and Physical Contact

A guide to not missing totally obvious signs... and getting laid! .

4 13

From the Streets

what's your roommate's worst habit?

A Love Letter from Your Stalker

Did you change your shampoo? Your hair smells different.

Oscar-Baiting

we get all hot and bothered over these best picture nominations becoming pornos.

The Taco Bell Challenge

win or lose, you get to eat some taco bell.

page three

pic of the week >>> want to win

a very harold and kumar christmas

on dvd?

Obviously, right?

sorry bro

#thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren’t invited to a party in your own house... Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really. pics@theblacksheeponline.com

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word of the week >>> herfuffle

Breast Icky El A Snare Enjoys Rhythm

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.

Body language and physical contact:

A guide to not missing totally obvious signs!

black sheep staff wrote this It’s Valentine's Day season, and many of you will be spending your days desperately looking for somebody to shower with gifts, affection, and late-night sexts. Or maybe just hook up! Wooo! Now, let me tell you; the WORST feeling is knowing that you ignored somebody hot and awesome who was TOTALLY hitting on you, but you were too much of a dunderhead to notice. To help prevent this from ever happening to you, my friend Craig and I have taken it upon ourselves to demonstrate some of the clear signs that somebody might like you. Enjoy!

Nuzzling: When a guy comes up to you and starts rubbing his neck against yours, it's as if he's saying, Hey, I really like you but can't find the words, but I CAN find your neck with my neck!” Eight times out of ten, he totally likes you. Woo-hoo!

Extended/frequent eye contact: I'm starting off with this one because it's the least reliable sign. Maybe he's looking at you because he thinks you're a fox, or maybe he's looking at you because you're following him home and he's looking over his shoulder and is starting to get freaked out. I wouldn't suggest using eye contact alone as any kind of credible proof, so keep an eye out for other signs.

Trying to breathe the air they exhale: So she's leaning in front of you and desperately trying to suck up your lung exhaust? Man, that's a pretty good sign. Especially if she's using her hands as scoops to try and get more of your precious, precious breath. Important note: it's possible that she's actually choking on something and is trying to get your attention. If you even slightly suspect that could be the case, it's best to play it safe. Hit her on the back as hard as you can, and continue until the food blockage is spit out. Congratulations, hero! You just saved a life! Don't worry, those three guys are just dragging you to the back alley to give you your trophy.

Sides touching, sitting down: This one isn't always a sure sign either, especially if the couch is packed full of people. But, if there's room to spare and she's still got her kneecap gingerly pressed against yours, then man, I can almost guarantee she is totally into you, and wants you to get into her. Heh, gross. Sides touching, standing up: This happens mostly during games of beer pong. You're lining up your shot, and your hip bumps against his, and he doesn't move. This is an excellent sign, because unlike when you're sitting on a couch, it's SUPER EASY to just shift slightly to the side. If he doesn't move, congratulations, and enjoy your ticket to pound town! Hand on chest: Seriously, what the fuck do you think this means? It’s like, “Hahahaha! Your joke is so funny, I'm about to fall over and need to use you for balance!” This is the girl equivalent of you awkwardly trying to put your hand on the small of her back. Would you ever do that to a girl you weren't trying to plow? Exactly. Act fast, before she realizes you're a total doofus and moves on.

Clinging to you and moaning softly: We've all been there: a pretty girl you met is climbing you like you're a tree, and you're thinking “Is this the signal? Is she trying to give me a signal? Damn you, womankind, WHY can't you just be more forward!” Trust me when I say that this is usually a false hint. The last time this happened to me, I tried to move in for a kiss and she was very confused and taken aback. “If I liked you, I would have bumped my hip against yours, you nincompoop!” Boy, was my face red! So, if you want to sleep in a cold bed at night, it’s best to pay heed to the advice given above. And ladies, if you’re at The Levee and someone does any of these things to you, hi, I’m Sevin.

From 'da Streets What’s Your Roommate’s Worst Habit? “My old roomate's girlfriend always came over and after she left, my room smelled like a mix of her and just straight up sex.” - Jake F.

“My roommate likes to pick at her ears with bobby pins. I don't get it.” - Carlin D.

“My roommate likes to collect halfgallons of old ice cream containers.” - Bailey B.

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SHOUT OUTS! To the DJ spinning at the house party on Friday: You can't clap along to every song and you need to lay down some beats that make people want to dance not have a seizure. And the song SHOUT is a horrible choice to end the night... you are the worst! To Blaise, Idk if your gay, but after grinding me on the dance floor and begging to come back to my apartment with me, I was expecting a little more then what happened...and that wasn’t my name you shouted, which concerned me… Nicole!!!! Is it still stiletto night if there’s snow coming down like kray kray? Dear neighbor two doors down from me, I don’t understand what’s so fun about throwing phone books in the hallway, and why it causes you to yell. Catherine, I don’t think calling our professor out on her feminist remarks is going to stop her from being a feminist, but you can sure try…and fail… Dear milk, why do you always leave when it’s time to hang out with cereal? Milk and OJ just aren’t the same… Matt, were you seriously holding hands with Megan while ON the treadmill? Come on! Lisa, the gorilla glue isn’t holding my shoes together…It’s making them bigger. Mike and Jeff! I don’t remember the name of the game, but it ended with one of you getting your ear pierced and it was awesome! Let’s play again! Dear dodgers fan from San Fran, I still love you. Also, Giants are way better. Love, Girl who shares your bed every Saturday SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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A Love Letter from Your Stalker

My Dearest Love, It eats at my heart that you haven’t returned my calls these past few months. Then again, maybe your phone is just broken, or you haven’t been able to check your voicemail in a while. It was so silly of you to change your number; you should’ve known I’d find it, dummy. As Valentine’s Day swiftly approaches, my mind dwells back on the times that we’ve shared together. The day we first met, for instance, when I followed you six blocks out of my way to tell you that I thought your sweater was nice. Or our one and only date, which was the first time I ever had the chance to sniff your hair. I framed the napkin you used that night to remember the occasion, I have it hung up next to the lock of hair I took from you when I “randomly bumped into you” on the bus. I figure if someone doesn’t keep things to commemorate our moments together, who will? You completely forgot about our anniversary of the time you held the door open for me before that class we had together freshman year. I waited for you outside of Foellinger for three hours so that we could relive that magical moment. It’s okay though, I know how busy you get; I’ve memorized your entire schedule. Remember the time that I stood outside of your window in a trench coat and played “In Your Eyes” on repeat for 8 hours? Actually you probably don’t remember that because it turned out you weren’t home that night, apparently you didn’t spend the day at home watching your favorite TV shows and doing your laundry like you normally do every Tuesday afternoon. Were you with somebody? What’s his name? Does he love you like I do? I’m sorry about that. You know how crazy you make me. Which reminds me, I slipped into your room the other night while you were sleeping just because I wanted to see you. Now I know I’m not supposed to because of the restraining order, but the pictures of you that I’ve stolen from your photo albums and covered the walls of my apartment with simply don’t fulfill my desires anymore. Besides, doesn’t our love being forbidden make it even more romantic? I’d like to think so. While it does make things more exciting, it would be pretty sweet of you if you could have that order removed. I’ve been getting better, I swear. I’ve stopped sending you gifts, I haven’t sent your friends and family threatening messages demanding to know what you’re doing in weeks,

and I haven’t killed any of your pets in almost two months; although that’s probably because you haven’t gotten any new pets since the first two incidents. But all of these terrible things can just be some funny story that we tell our children someday. I think we should name them Roberta and Alexis, those are the names of my last two girlfriends, but let’s not talk about them, they’re gone now. You are probably planning on spending Tuesday with whomever this new person you’re dating is, but if should you find yourself alone because they mysteriously don’t come to get you, don’t let your mind dwell on the possibility that someone has repeatedly hacked them up and buried their severed body parts in my backyard. Think of calling me, who has always been with you even when you didn’t realize it. Truly, Madly, Deeply Yours, Stephen P.S. If you do decide to call me, I promise I’ll untie your mother from my basement and let her go home.

m.a.s.h

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tally

box

what does your future hold?

top 10: ways to increase attendance at basketball games This may come as a shock to some, but Ole Miss is NOT a basketball school. We’ll wait while the shock wears off. However, we’ve come up with 10 ways to get attendance up! 10: Stuff for baseball season Basketball games are inside. Baseball isn’t. Basketball games are short. Baseball games aren’t. That means we need free stadium seats, umbrellas, coolers, jackets, flasks, etc. All products should be emblazoned with Ole Miss logos. That’s really not much to ask for. You scratch our backs, we’ll scratch yours. 9: More free shit We want more t-shirts, free food, free drinks, some iPads, maybe a puppy or two. Basically, if it’s free, we want it. Basketball games are usually during the week and if we’re going to take our study time (yeah, right) and spend it in a cramped Coliseum with nowhere to sit, we need incentives! 8: Library passes No, we don’t mean to the school library. The bar, people. We want passes to the bar. Unless you’re over 21 and there before 9 p.m., it costs TEN FREAKING DOLLARS to get into a place whose popularity changes day to day. Ten bucks a week + crappy overpriced drinks = a hell of a lot! Make this shit happen. 7: Better parking Why should we go to games we have to park miles away from? Nothing sucks worse than walking past empty parking spaces that we can’t use because we don’t care enough to pay for some crap-ass membership these old people can afford. The games are always when it’s cold and rainy. Frankly, we don’t like messing up our hair for a sport we don’t even like that much. Also, we want faculty/ staff parking passes. Hand these out at the game, there will be a full crowd. We’d be the first in line.

6: Human party favors When we leave the game we want one of those really tall guys to take home and reach the chain on the ceiling fan or a cheerleader to give dances and pep talks. Take your pick. 5: Pay us Seriously. Pay us what one regular ticket costs, and I’m sure a couple of people will show up. The school will make it back during football season. 4: Those oversized t-shirts that all the girls like Hand out those things to everyone. The girls will be pleased as punch. The guys will be pleased because after sex their girls will steal the shirts. That means they got some. She got a parting gift. Everyone wins. 3: Alcohol Pretty self-explanatory. Probably the hardest sport to attend intoxicated. It’s not outside. It’s too short. No one really wants to smuggle stuff in. It’s just bad. Serve booze. The end. 2: No class There should be no class the day of the game and no class the day after. We need plenty of time to prepare for the game. There are so many things to be done! We have to clip our fingernails, watch paint dry, eat some tacos, ya know whatever. Then, we need a day to get over the fact that we lost. If we won, we need a day for hangovers. 1: After-party The Coliseum is so large and there’s absolutely no reason it shouldn’t be turned into a massive party after. The school is always preaching unity, so why not throw a rave for everyone? There’s plenty of space, the concession stands can be turned into bars, there are plenty of seats for drunkies, and there are tons of bathrooms! The sound system can play the loudest music, and the jumbotron can play really cool laser light show things. It’s the perfect arena.

Husband • Jon Stewart • John Goodman • Johnny Depp • Zombie John Wayne Gacy Wife • Ashley Tisdale • Ashley Judd • Ashley Olsen • Ashy Larry Met At • Court-ordered community service • Baptist Church protest • Disco Lovers Anonymous meeting • The champagne room at Rack City Theme Wedding • Pirates and Booties Galore • The Kardashians Gone Wild • Our Love Is Deeper Than Our Cuts (Emo) • The Hangover (part 2, not 1)

Favorite Hobby • Tandem peeping Tom • Choreographed butchery • Amateur casket building • Basket-Weaving for Kittens Date Night Movie of Choice • Weekend at Bernie’s 2 • Gigli • Anything and Everything with Nic Cage • Schindler’s List First Child’s Name • Destiny • Nebuchadnezzar • Dipshit • Krystal Housepet • Giant cockroach • Wild boar • Gimp • Primordial ooze

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Valentine’s Day from Every Prospective ryanne flanders wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com Every person in the world has strong opinions on Valentine’s Day. No one says it’s just alright. Let’s look at how each segment of the population feels about the 14th.

to want to have sex with him. Single guys don’t hate the holiday as much, but they have to deal with every single girl trying to become Facebook official with them in time for V-Day.

Men Who Enjoy It: We’d like to start by saying these guys are either brainwashed or they like umbrellas in their drinks. Finding a guy who enjoys Valentine’s Day, for reasons other than getting laid, is as unlikely as finding a member of the GOP that doesn’t put his foot in his mouth on the daily. It just doesn’t exist. What red-blooded American male enjoys this day? “Oh, hey dude! Yeah, I’m just buying Lacey a teddy bear. I just LOVE Valentine’s Day! Don’t you? No, it’s not because I want to get laid! I just really feel it gives us a chance to focus on our undying love!” If any of you guys have heard a conversation like this take place, please email us asapedly. The only guy who says he doesn’t mind Valentine’s Day is one that’s single.

Girls Who Hate It: Single girls. That’s it. Only single girls hate this holiday. It’s common. It’s damn near overdone. No one likes to be alone. It sucks. However, no one wants to hear you bitch about how this holiday is a waste of money, and we could all donate the money spent on gifts to cancer monkeys in the Arctic. Yeah, being single on V-Day is complete bullshit. But no one likes a pissy bisquitch. Just suck it up, grab a bottle, and drink until that hipster in the plaid is doable.

Men Who Hate It: These fellas can be single or taken, as most men fall into this category regardless of relationship status. Most guys could not give the first damn about Valentine’s Day, they just see it as an excuse for girls to brag about not being forever alone, and receive gifts in exchange for mating. Guys in relationships have to go through Oxford to find the perfect gift that some other poor, unfortunate guy hasn’t bought for his girlfriend. God forbid he’s one of those dumbasses who gets the generic bear from Wal-Mart, and his girl becomes one of 500 to carry it around on campus. He also has to make reservations at one of the 4 decent restaurants in Oxford, so his girlfriend can eat one bite of her $15 salad before downing the $50 bottle of wine it takes for her

Girls Who Love It: Taken girls. Girls in relationships love Valentine’s Day. It’s the best holiday in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD for them. They get to parade around with their boyfriend, get gifts, dress cute, get free food, and all they have to do is put out at the end of the night. Maybe, just maybe, if her boyfriend takes her somewhere really special, she’ll give him a BJ. But dinner had to cost at least $80, because these girls aren’t cheap hookers. Obviously. The girls in relationships spend the entire month before being extrasweet to avoid getting dumped. The week before is spent waxing, plucking, exfoliating, and bronzing every inch of skin, credit cards are swiped repeatedly in hopes of the perfect outfit, and notso-subtle gift requests are left in passenger seats of boyfriends’ cars. Whether you like or dislike this holiday, I think we can all agree. No one likes to be alone and everyone loves sex. Happy Valentine’s Day. Drink up singletons!

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Bartender

of the

Week Age: 24

Celebrities you Hate: Anne Hathaway and Oprah

Status: Taken Major: Psychology Worst Drink: Cement Mixer (designed to make you puke) Lime juice and Bailey’s Favorite Drink: Coors Original Personal Theme Song: “Gasoline” by Daddy Yankee

n a n a h c u B i l clubburgundy room Acanopy

Celebrity Look-alike: Lauren Gadny 3 Things You'd Have on a Deserted Island: I wouldn't want to be found Life Motto: If you're going to get wet you might as well swim What Did You Want to Be When You Grew Up: Professional football player

Worst Pick Up Line You've Heard “You Dream Date: Stay home and play video dropped your name tag.” The man games then hands the lady a sugar packet Funniest Thing You've Seen Happen on the Job: Josh Smith break dancing

drinking game:

deal or no deal

Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/girlfriend have played out. What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day! Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know. Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty. How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20. - Each person picks a card one at a time. - Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot. -Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up. - Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken. -At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt. NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power. The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.

Favorite Disney Character: Tinkerbelle

recipe for disaster:

hummus A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war. What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it. Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation. - Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment. - Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic). - Pour lemon juice into blender. - Add salt as necessary. - Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross). - If necessary, stop blender to scrape the sides. - Spoon into a serving dish. - Scoop into your face with pita bread. - Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day. Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.

the entertainment page

oscar-baiting

cd review

On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.

The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!

Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a downand-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.

The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.

The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a primand-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.

Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.

of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers.

GRADE B-

Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood.

and one of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay.

Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something.

This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick.

Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs,

Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.

out now

The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.

Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming. Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.

War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.

UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home

Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions

The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void

Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Beat The Black Sheep:

The Taco Bell Challenge

Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan

The Challenge

How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?

TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.

TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.

The Prediction

I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.

The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a co-worker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.

Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)

time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds

Are You In?

Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.

The Aftermath

Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.

Don’t Believe Us?

Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.

seek and find

Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain't your mama's messy dorm room, so good luck, bro. Send us an email at games@theblacksheeponline.com showing us or telling us where everything is, and we may just give you some lovin'.

class tim e

the crossword: animal mascots

the clues

9 10 11 12

A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 6 7 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S E M F R O G

Across The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of f he sea. (2 Words) A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) ohn Wayne nicknamed dog oves baked beans. Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words) editorial manager Ryanne Flanders

answers >> Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. Taverna Round 10 YoVolta quiero shitting my pants. (3 Table LeNoras Proud Larry's Words) The many Blind Piglicks does it take The Rib Cage 14 How him to get to the center of your Roosters Soul Shine Pizza mom?Irie (2 Words) Frank & Marlee's 15 These animals hawked a Two Stick H2O 3-syllable Funkys beer. El Milagro

G 10 E T 11 T O U C A F C F O E B 13 R E Y L L 16 D O G

class tim e

D I

18) He’s addicted to Smack(s). (2 words) DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)

Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 words)

Meet The Staff! Advertising Manager Sterling Swanson distribution Manager Austin Harrison marketing managers Jordan Granier Susie Tucker campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Corp: 217-390-1747 Ads: 608-712-0900

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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