The Black Sheep
Hav Fre e a e...l gre ike at a bi su rd! mm er!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 5/3/12 - 5/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_OM
Surviving Finals Week ryanne wrote this
The hard part of finals week isn’t actually studying for finals. No, everyone comes to terms with studying in a different way, but they do come to terms. Some students fret over finals week like it’s the end of the world, taking in a torrential downpour of information before passing out, exhausted. Others drink far too much caffeine, pop way too much Addy, and make complete jackasses of themselves. Some spend every waking moment in the library trying to learn an entire semester’s worth of material so they don’t fail and have to spend the rest of their lives in their parents’ basement. The worst part about finals is its uncanny effect on the student body. Kids that never went to class are going the week before to try to cram in all the info they’ve missed over the semester. Every class will be full. The library will be full. The parking lot will be full. You will have to walk really slowly on the sidewalk. It sucks. By now, you’re probably used to parking at a certain time and place, but don’t think you’re doing that this week. It’s like the first week of school all over again. Also, slackers beware. If you usually do your papers before class, think again. All of the computers will be full in the library, and don’t think you’re going to quickly print something off. You might find yourself walking in circles around the library praying one of the zoned-out people will eventually fall out their chair. You will definitely see some douche on Facebook looking at pictures of puppies, and it will enrage you to no end. However, please avoid smashing their face into the monitor, because you will go to jail and fail your finals. Check out Weir. We think most people forget it’s there sometimes. We definitely do. We know it’s damn near tradition to pop pills and drink tons of coffee during these time, but please don’t. Seriously. It’s not worth it. Half the student body will be at risk for sudden heart attack, it would be cool to not be amongst that group, right? Right. If you can’t pull an all-nighter without help, maybe you shouldn’t be pulling them. Besides, cramming isn’t all that effective. It’s
Other stuff
Inside
best to study what you can, get some sleep, and review it in the morning. Yeah, yeah, we know we sound like your mom, but we don’t want to see you guys walking around with bags under your eyes like you may drop at any moment. Not a good look, and you know as well as us that summer is all about getting laid. And honestly, just calm the eff down, okay? If you’re getting stressed, take a walk. You have to take breaks. Yes, grades are important, but so is your health. You
The Summer Drinking Game Take a shot for just about any reason. see page 4
don’t want your eyeball to pop out from drinking 37 Red Bulls, do you? And you should probably save your illicit “party favors” for surviving three months at home, because your mom is going to nag a lot more than your jaded professor. If you’ve failed everything up until now, getting a "B" on your finals probably won’t save you, so there’s really no point. And you’ll do better if you can actually stay awake during the test. But what do we know.
Top Ten: Signs You've Been Oxford Too Long What Guys Expect From Porn even chicken on a stick has gotten boring. see page 6
keep the cinemax account, boys. see page 11
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Table of contents
PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 7 >>>
page 11 >>>
page 13 >>>
From the Streets
What are you spending your textbook money on?
7
The Best Summer Ever!
Yeah brah, it's not even funny how epic this summer will be!!!!!
Bartender of the Month
11
Ross from Corner Bar says there's no risk without reward, but still never became a NASCAR driver.
Summer Blockbusted
how movies that look so right could go so horribly wrong. questions@theblacksheeponline.com | 217.390.1747
page three
pic of the week >>> the best things in life are free.
the second best are cheap drinks. download our free app for iphone and android spend less. get more. what's not to love?
Search: Black Sheep Mobile got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really. pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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Can you guess these hotties?
Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com
The first 5 right answers win prizes! word of the week >>> Shleprosy
Anal Daze So
Hamster Rash Mall
submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.
Definition: A disease contracted by associating with the awkward and stupid. “Dan was about to take a girl home until a sudden bout of shleprosy hit when Martin made a bad abortion joke.”
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From 'da Streets What are you spending your textbook money on?
"I'm using it to get gas to get home with." - Luke M., Sophomore
The summer drinking game
ole miss staff wrote this
We’ve created a drinking game to get you through the three months at home! Some of you may be thinking that you can’t unwind with a drink in the confines of your parental prison. Get real. Your parents know you go to school at Ole Miss. They’re not stupid. They won’t be shocked to find half-empty bottles hidden in your hampers. In fact, they may encourage you to do your dirty work at home so you won’t be tempted to drink and drive. Hey, anything could happen. Take a shot whenever someone asks you about school, how school went, or if you miss it: You’ll get torched by this rule most frequently in your first weeks back from Ole Miss. Everyone from your mom to your boss to your flunky friends are still pretending to be interested in your life, and they want to make you feel welcome back at home. Either that, or they really hate their lives and wish they were away at college with you. Keep a flask on hand, because you’ll be cornered with this one every single time someone sees you out in public. Don’t worry, though. It’s only illegal if you get caught. Take a shot whenever someone asks you what you’re doing with your summer: Little does he know, but dad is really doing a great job of getting you blotto. He just doesn’t love you as much as your mom does, and he wants you out of the house, away from his food and lining your pockets with dough so he doesn’t have to take another mortgage on the house to put you through school. If you’re a guy, you can expect this question the second day you’re home and every subsequent day after that. If you’re a girl, you may be able to slide for a week or two, but it’s bound to come up eventually. Don’t feel bad. He just thought he had gotten you out of the house for good. Take a shot when it feels like high school: Are you sitting in your friend’s basement with your high school cronies, reminiscing about the time J-Dogg totally ball-tapped Nevin super-hard. As the laughs trail off everyone kinda just stares
"I'm going to go buy a new fly fishing rod." - Stewart V., Junior
off into the distance, wondering if this is what life’s always going to be like. High school buddies talking about high school things in a high school way. God, if that doesn’t make you want to swallow a bottle of whiskey, nothing will. Take a shot when you feel like an old person: Are you really going to bed at 10p.m.? Well, that’s what happens when you have to wake up at 5a.m. to be on time for that landscaping job. Or do you catch yourself choosing to stay in on a Friday night because the temptation of getting shitfaced is outweighed by the realization that it’s just another night with a dirty thirty and the same kids you’ve partied with over the last four summers? Growing up is awesome! Take two shots when your someone asks you to clean your room, two shots when someone tells you “Insignificant Person #1” asked about you/wants to see you, a shot when someone asks if you’re dating someone, and a shot when someone makes a snide remark about the time you wake up: We grouped these last four together because they will inevitably come from your mom. She means no harm, she’s just so proud of her all-grown-up little baby. Therefore, she’s going to force you to see people you literally give not one shit about. In fact, you probably won’t even know them. Along with that, she’ll ask you to clean your room because she’s set up times for people to come see you, and she’ll want to give a tour of the house. Also, she’s going to talk about how late you wake up each day, and she’s going to tell the visitors this as well, because it’s so adorably irresponsible. She just wants to see your face every minute of every day! Also, be prepared for the nosy women asking if you’re seeing someone. Seriously, it’s inevitable. You don’t have to drink to cope, but sooner rather than later you’re going to be looking at yourself in a mirror, wondering when you’ll be able to go back to Ole Miss. And hey, it’s only four months before tailgating season. Football players are working out right now, why can’t you get in game shape a little early?
"I'm going to take it and give it right back to the bookstore for summer school textbooks." - Ross S., Freshman
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Top ten: Signs you've been in oxford too long ole miss staff wrote this
10) No one checks your license at the bars: Let’s face it, most students here go out. However, if you pass through at the bars without getting carded, you may go out a bit too much. Maybe. Just a little. It’s okay, though. In fact, we may know a bouncer or five, too. Just remember the ancient Chinese proverb: knowing the people at the club means never having to wait in line. 9) All of your clothes are the same: If you’re a guy and you find all of your clothes are khaki and faded, don’t fret. You’ve just got the mark of a veteran. Girls, if all of your clothes are leggings, shorts, and oversized tanks or tees, well... at least you’re comfy? 8) There’s no more room for bottles around your kitchen: It’s really hard to find places for those bottles, and by the time you’re a senior, you’ll have to throw them away and start over every semester. However, if you have younger friends you’ll be admired to no end. 7) You can’t walk to class without someone calling your name: This may not seem like a big deal, but you should be able to make it from Bishop to Bondurant without seeing 17 of your bros. When you give 75 high fives on the way to the library, it’s an issue. You’re just too popular. 6) The Square is boring: As an Ole Miss student you get two years of really enjoying the Square, and two years are spent talking about how it wasn’t as fun as the year before. Freshman year, you’re mesmerized. Sophomore year you can’t legally drink, and the place just isn’t as magical anymore. Luckily, there’s junior year. Most people get to drink during this year, and it’s like the Square is a new place. You can
go to bars you never went to before, buy your own drinks, and party worry-free! Life is great. Until senior year. You’re tired of the drunk freaks bumping into you, the underclassmen acting like they’ve never been out before, and the hot cluster of bodies at the bar. 5) You pass up parties: Early on, it becomes your life goal to attend every single party that is thrown within a twenty mile radius. Then they get boring, and you do things you never thought you would. For instance, you stay home on a Thursday to finish a paper. Creepy, huh? 4) Chicken on a Stick really isn’t that amazing: Now, we’ll probably get slack for this, but it’s not. Sometimes it’s cold and nasty and yeah. It’s not all that. It’s just one of those Ole Miss things. But, now that we’ve said it, you can agree. No one will blame you. 3) The Ole Miss jokes aren’t funny anymore: Yes, we all drink and party and dress the same while letting our dad pay the bills. We got it. 2) The State jokes aren’t funny anymore: Everyone knows Mississippi State alums put their diplomas in their car windows so they can park in handicapped spots. Can we move on? 1) You kinda can’t imagine life anywhere else: After a while, you forget Oxford isn’t your home town, and you’re going to have to move (eventually). It’s scary as shit. This town is like a large cult, even though it controls our lives, we love it.
writing - sales - pr marketing - distribution weekly and monthly newspapers. daily website. mobile apps. regional and national expansion. campus and city ventures
this is some of the stuff we're doing this summer... how 'bout you?
now hiring spring & summer & fall interns apply online at theblacksheeponline.com or email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline.com
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Best Summer Ever! black sheep staff wrote this
Yeah bro, can’t wait for this summer. I’m so done with school it’s not even funny. Dude, you wanna know how done I am with school? I’m so done with school I haven’t even studied for my finals. That’ll show my teachers. Dude, studying is for losers who don’t know what it’s like to party and have a good time. I don’t need that shit in my life. I mean when am I ever gonna need it? Like the other day my teacher was like, “The Pythagorean Theorem is a^2 + b^2 = c^2” I mean who the hell is Pythagorean? More like Py-nevergonnausethisinmylife-orean! Amirite? Anyway, that’s beside the point. I just wanted to say like, dude, when I come home for summer vacation me n’ you are gonna hang out like every day. We’re gonna be drinkin’, smokin’, havin’ sex every day. Not with each other, of course. That would be weird. But no like, I got all these friends from back home, you know, friends from high school. SUPER hot! We’ll hang out all the time. It’ll be fun, don’t worry. Oh, my parents? Yeah they’re…they’re cool, they just don’t like it when I stay out too late. I can really only stay out until 10 p.m., then I gotta come home and help my mom with the laundry and stuff. Yeah it sucks but whatever man, they raised me so I should appreciate it. Oh, and I can’t hang out like all of June, I’m going with my parents to Alabama. Yeah my dad’s got a business trip and he wants us all to come with. We’re not going to the coast or anything fun like that, it’s actually just this townhome in the suburbs of Birmingham. But yeah dude, July and the beginning of August it will be just you and me. I swear man, we’ll be
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going to baseball games and partying with chicks. It’ll be just like old times. Oh wait, I forgot to tell you, I got a summer internship. I work from 9a.m. until 5p.m. Monday through Saturday at this dumb place in Jackson. It’s gonna be sweet… but that means that I can’t really hang out all that much while I’m in the internship. I um…well I mean you can come visit sometimes. Actually the company is providing me with lodging and they don’t like guests. So listen, I’m gonna be back for like a weekend sometime and we’ll chill. It’ll be awesome. Saturday and Sunday we’ll just party and go nuts. Shit, I totally forgot, my dad wants me to help him pick out new shoes on Saturday, and then we’re gonna have some family time that night. Oh, and then Sunday I’m gonna spend the whole day hanging out with my girlfriend. Sorry bro. We’ll hang out next summer. Izzat cool? I know I said we were gonna have a great summer this year, but listen, I’ll make it up to you. I actually gotta go right now. My mom wants me to come with her to the library to help her read the small text in the books so she can pick out the one with the best font for her reading. Then she makes me read the books to her. It’s really kind of nonsensical, but I love her, so it all works out. Hey I forgot to tell you dude! I got 40s! That’s right, the complete collection of the 1940s classical jazz records. These are gonna be great on my drive down to Jackson every week. I wanted to show you because I know you would appreciate it. Isn’t this sick dude? I can’t wait for this summer!
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$6.99 ALL YOU CAN EAT! (11AM-230PM) All 12oz Beer Drafts 99 cents All day 2x1 Margaritas! $6.99 ALL YOU CAN EAT! (11AM-230PM) All 12oz Beer Drafts 99 cents All day 2x1 Margaritas! $6.99 ALL YOU CAN EAT! (11AM-230PM)
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PENNY PITCHERS 9-10 $10 Beer Buckets 'til 9 2 for 1 Wine Live DJ
$1 PBR $1 Keystone $10 Kill the Keg DJs & Live Music Crawfish on the Patio!
Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
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Beer and Shot Night! Buy a BEER, get a FREE SHOT! $10 Beer Buckets 'til 9 2 for 1 Wine
Ladies Night 3-for-1 Wells 2-for-1 Michelob Ultra $10 Kill the Keg
2 for 1 Domestics Happy Hour 4-7 $1 Off Everything AND $1 PBR, Busch, Highlife
$1 Keystone Cans 2 for 1 Vodka Drinks
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Pint Night $1 Any Draft Beer $10 Kill the Keg
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FLIP NIGHT!
Place an order, the bartender flips a coin, if you call it RIGHT your drinks are FREE! If you 're wrong, you pay full price
$10 Beer Buckets 'til 9 Ladies Night! 3-for-1 Wine!
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What Guys Expect From Porn That Ain’t Gonna Happen Maddie Rosenthalwrote this Beginning at the tender age of 12, every day from then on, and most recently nine minutes ago, guys have been watching porn. Between the hundreds of free websites and pay-per-view options (but who’s paying for porn anyway?), guys never miss an opportunity to utilize the lotion and Kleenex they have bedside. Hell, they don’t even have to be horny. Just being bored qualifies as an excuse. By the time females are willing to put out, they’re virginal innocence doesn’t compare to the every-hole-is-an-entrance-porn their peers are jerking it to. Smart women will tune in and take notes on the smut because for the last 10 years, their boyfriends have grown accustomed to the likes of Jesse Jane and Jenna Haze. There are a few things that are easy to emulate: moaning three times louder than the pleasure we’re receiving merits, faking entire orgasms (full body shutters included), and those of us who are wifey material allow free reign to where our dude shoots his load. So it’s not like we don’t make an effort. Despite this, there are a few things that we physically can’t (and in some cases simply won’t) do. Blowjob Betty may be able to give direct eye contact the entire times she’s sucking you off, but the rest of us can’t. It’s quite literally impossible to blow you, breathe, emphasize how much we enjoy doing it, and stare at you all at the same time, especially if we’re trying to do a good job. And, unless you want a sticky, pink, glittery pecker, we won’t have lip-gloss on while we’re doing it like Jenna Jameson foolishly advocates. We can certainly work hard to
make the coveted slurping noises and we can even try and deep throat until we cry, but smiling before, after and during is asking a bit much. We aren’t getting paid for this (hopefully). We understand that beyond the age of 17, not swallowing is grounds for break-up, but just because you believe your jizz is the nectar of the gods does not mean that we’re going to gargle it in our mouths like it’s salt water after we lost a tooth. Similarly, our faces (of all places) have been declared the proverbial target for your one-shot musket. We get it, you like feeling dominant. While a lot of girls are absolutely willing to take one for the team and exfoliate while they’re at it, realize that a cum shot to our eye will not be greeted with the same generous reaction as the hookers on your computer screen. It leaves us blind and wanting a towel. Porn also gives men the impression that women would enjoy being woken up to a dick in their face. Besides seeing the 5-0 first thing in the a.m., the last thing I want when my tired eyes flutter open for the first time is the head of your penis trying to push through my pursed lips Next, I’d like to make a quick disclaimer. A cock slap to the face is never, ever okay. I don’t care how much Amber Wild enjoys it, women in the real world are more likely to sock you right in the balls after a move like that. Sorry, I’m not sorry. At all. Women understand that men like few things more than being told how well-endowed they are. And with the average size of
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the American penis being a measly 4.5 inches (yes, erect), we understand that a lot of you need an ego boost. Sure, we’ll pay you and your johnson a quick compliment when you first whip it out if we’re pleasantly surprised, but what we will not do is scream out “Oh my God you’re sooooooooooo huge!!!!” seven times during what you call a “pounding”. Finally, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: anal sex is not fun. It does not feel good. Guys don’t fear getting raped in the ass in prison for no reason. It hurts like hell. Plus, the pain isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too. Let’s think back to the horror stories we’ve all heard about girls shitting the bed after someone overcompensated on the lube. So when Linda Lovelace takes it like it’s hitting her G-Spot, she’s giving men everywhere false hope. Maybe, just maybe, after six or so attempts the pain will be tolerable, but by that time her asshole will be so loose that retreating back to your girl’s cooch is the better option anyway. So fellas, next time you’re screwing a random bitch from the bar, your girlfriend, your slam piece…whatever she is, don’t expect her to behave like a porn star. But drop the girl that doesn’t at least try.
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Bartender
of the
Month Age: 22 Major: History and English Shot recipe: Rasmelon Crawl
Younger bar s os R canopy club corn
Celebrity you hate: Justin Bieber
Worst drink: Bloody Mary
Celebrity you love: Nic Cage and Phil Roberson
Favorite drink: Gin and tonic with two limes
Favorite gum flavor: Orbit Spearmint
Personal theme song: “Down on The Corner,” CCR
Life motto: “No Risk, No Reward”
Dream date: Eva Longoria Funniest thing you’ve seen happen on the job: Some guy had an allergic reaction to rum and broke
drinking game:
Sloppy Sixes
With all the perverted and imaginative minds here at The Black Sheep, it’s pretty easy to get carried away with wild drinking games. But don’t get us wrong, we still like classics, quick and easy, just like the way we like our women. Just to prove it to you, we’re keeping this week’s game simple, like your cousin Alvin. What You’ll Need: Any alcohol hiding in the back of your cabinet and some dice. Number of Players: As many cool guys as you can get your hands on. Intoxication Level: We'll make ya extra schloppy! Let’s Get Sloppy: - Line up three cups and three shot glasses, numbering them from one to six. - Fill them up with anything that will get you drunk: beer, whisky, nail polish remover, whatever floats your boat. - Take turns flipping a die. The number you roll is the drink you take. - Do not fill up the glass after drinking from it. - When a player rolls a six, they may give that drink out to another player. - If a cup is empty and you roll its number, you miss your turn and have to fill up the cup instead. Don’t be discouraged, though, you’ll be happy for this break later. The Game Ends When: Either the alcohol runs out or someone yacks. Bon appa-drinking!
Thirsty for More?
out in red splotches all over his face. He kept drinking rum.
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What did you want to be as a child: I wanted to be a NASCAR driver Favorite Disney character: Shrek Favorite TV show: The Sopranos
recipe for disaster:
Trix on Stix
Sick of the Rice Krispies Treats we’ve been throwing at you lately? Here’s a new, creative snack for you to try: Trix on Trix on Trixxxx...on sticks. What You’ll Need: Trix cereal, a mountain of marshmallows, a stick of butter, and sticks (popsicle sticks, skewers, used lollipops, whatever). Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s not necessarily unhealthy for you, just dangerously addicting. Why do you think that damn crackhead rabbit is always after the cereal? Let’s Get Baked: - Microwave the marshmallows and three tablespoons of butter for three minutes. - Next, butter up a spatula to make stirring easier. Would you like us to assign someone to butter your spatula? - Add three-fourths of your Trix cereal to the bowl of warm marshmallow-y goodness, and stir to your heart’s content. - Let it cool for about five minutes. - Butter up your hands and start forming balls, squares, octagons or whatever shape you prefer. - Shove a stick in it and there you go! Fancy, sugary hors d’oeuvres for your pregame. They’re kinda like kabobs, but less meaty and vegetable-y. Silly rabbit, Trix are for college kids! And stoners, too. Of any age, really.
Parents say the
Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.
darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”
And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?” “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all
showing off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.
LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino Gain the money Oprah Doe!
“I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”
“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.
Drake- “The Motto”
Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”
Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”
“This song is definitely about drug use.”
Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.
“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in southern
owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming
“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.” “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The disco ball is hang-
ing from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.
Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it.
“This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “
Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.
Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care.
“I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.” Verdict: Neither do we.
summer
blockbusted How movies that look so right
could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.
The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?
Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this… this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars universe, and Ridley It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the coldblooded Mark Zuckerberg. So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us megafrownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in
Scott is decidedly different from stuff-my-pants-so-fullwith-money-my-gunt-getspaper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, callbacks and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.
Gordon becomes a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.
The Campaign
Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:
movies that look crappy
but might just turn out okay Men in black 3
After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John
Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.
Snow White and the Huntsman
Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. to keep the film set in some sort of reality, the movie (Each character awkwardly quickly spirals to a dark place stares at the other for thirty rife with one-liner one-upmanseconds.) ship until the audience’s heads simultaneously explode. And It doesn’t work. Instead of having that’s bad for repeat viewings. a comparatively sane character
In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”
that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.
magic mike
This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”
The Amazing Spiderman Brave
this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.
Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not
cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.
rock of ages
Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.
ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.
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class tim e the madlib: Your Pre-Finals Breakdown
Well, once I can get my Adderall refill. By “refill” I mean when my ___4___ friend Amanda can get her refill, and then I can get mine and it’ll be fine… it’ll be fine, I swear it’ll be fine. It’s not like I depend on it, but I really just feel like a ___5___ on ___6___ and I can just take on the world, you know? I also don’t eat anything but ___7___ the whole time which is making me lose hella weight – it has no fat! Plus, I’ll get so mad ___8___ once it’s all said and done, blacking out will be a piece of cake. Shoot, I still need to contact my ___9___ professor to see if I can get some notes or a copy of the final or something. Sure, I only went to
class ___10___ time(s) but this semester was busy! Between my Tuesday ___11___ nights with those two girls I met at the bar sophomore year and my Thursday ___12___ club (where we get really philosophical after snorting some ___13___), my weeks are so full! I’m not concerned though, nothing that a nice ___14___ won’t fix to persuade my professor, naymean? Yeah, I’m shaking a little bit. So what? I’ve had about ___15___ cups of coffee in the past 48-hours, I’m just trying to prepare. I literally cannot afford a 6th year of college unless I whore myself out like ___16___ at a hip-hop concert, and even then I’d need to get a job at ___17___ and like, that shit won’t happen, not with these nails. … Whoa. Are you telling me finals aren’t for two more weeks? WHAT THE ___18___!!! Aight, I’m going to bed. Peace.
1) 1950s positive adjective 2) negative adjective 3) Poor country 4) easy class 5) an animal that flies 6) an upper 7) gummy candy 8) slang for drunk 9) hard class
10) Number lower than five 11) Hard Liquor 12) Genre of literature 13 ) common spice 14) baked good 15) big number 16) slutty celebrity 17) discount store 18) swear word
class tim e
Oh guys, don’t worry about me, I’m totally ___1___! Finals ___2___ a lot, of course, but I’ll get through them and life will go on. Like, if all those ___3___ children can live on $1.50 a day or whatever, I think I’ll manage.
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