Fre e rig ...lik ht e t now he , ba feel ck ing on yo cam u h pus ave !
The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 1 1/25/12 - 2/08/12
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a guide to:
Rebel Tours Ryanne Flanders wrote this
Attention, passengers! Please keep all body parts inside of the vehicle at all times! Leave your phones, cameras, and all other noise-makers behind. The students you are about to observe are unstable and have only one thing on their minds: returning to school. We’ve observed the students of Ole Miss in their native habitats of suburbs and boring towns alike. They have screamed at their moms, cried over the depressing nature of it all, and gained weight from stuffing their faces with holiday delights. Now, it’s time to observe the migration back to Oxford. It’s important to be careful when observing such emotionally fragile groups. They have been brought to the brink of insanity by lack of freedom, alcohol, and social interaction and can snap at any time. The first group you will observe is, perhaps, the most dangerous and on-edge of them all. Please remember to be safe and make no sudden movements! It is best to observe quietly and from afar. You never know when their kind will attack. Observe as the sorority girls and frat daddies speed down the highway in their sleek SUVs trying to get back to the rest of their pack. After weeks at home with insufferable relatives questioning their career paths, fraternity and sorority members alike are pulling their perfectly-coiffed hair out. The lack of flowing beer, house parties, and trendy bars are far too much for them to handle. After incessant nagging from mothers hoping to marry them off, they’re rushing back to Ole Miss where their friends will be anxiously awaiting with boxed wine and cases of beer. If you turn to your left, you will see the small towners. Small towners have been brought to the edge of insanity by the mundane nature of their homes. These students have gone to Great Aunt Linda’s daughter Sarah’s baby shower for her seventh “sweet baby girl,” watched Grandpa Joe fall asleep while telling the same story about Vietnam for the tenth time, and heard Cousin Jolene complain about her no-good husband Big Steve. These jaded students are more of a danger to themselves than other groups. However, when provoked by the same people at the same places asking the same questions (all of their hometown) they can attack. There’s nothing to do, nowhere to eat, and no bars for them to go to drink. The townies are accustomed to Oxford’s nightlife, restaurants and social scene. The next group we’ll be seeing is almost exclusively harmful to only themselves. The sheltered kids can’t wait to be back so they can be wild again. They have been tearing through the state as fast as their sensible mid-size automobiles will go in order to get back to Oxford. It’s quite possible that they will ravish the first watering hole they
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encounter upon their arrival. These unsuspecting students were thrust into the wildlife after leaving stuffy homes. Having to wear conservative clothes, make curfew, avoid bad language, and refrain from parties may drive them to the point of combustion. The next type won’t be found in herds like the other groups of students. You’ll be able to notice them right away. They fraternize with other groups, but they stand out. They’re the big shots, and they’re commonly found slowly cruising through the most populated roads in the flashiest of automobiles. These students, usually athletes, strut around in a pompous fashion. Big shots are used to love and attention of their adoring fans. At home they are just regular, and they long for the touch of one of three girlfriends who certainly wouldn’t love them if they couldn’t catch a ball. You really can’t blame them for wanting to be where their admirers are. The last group we’ll be observing like to roam freely. Free spirits thrive away from home. They’ve longed for independence and don’t like to compromise it by being home for the holidays. There aren’t enough books and DIY crafts to make the time at home more tolerable. These students are used to paying their bills, making their own decisions, and thriving alone. Being home is stifling and could result in an explosion. Most of the students have now returned to Oxford, and that concludes our tour. If you will, please step from the vehicle one at a time as to preserve order. You will be able to pick up all personal items left behind. We thoroughly hope you’ve enjoyed your time with Rebel Tours.
What Your Professor's Syllabus Really Means Going Facebook Official
I'm a Liberal Professor
oh, everything on this is going to change? that's awesome.
an internal debate between a man's real brain and his "real" brain.
i'm cool man, you can trust me. and my moustache.
see page 4
see page 6
see page 10
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Table of contents PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 7 >>> page 11 >>> page 12 >>>
The Top Ten
reasons why thursday nightlife kicks so much more ass.
7 13
Ode to My XboX
one girl's poem on why this electronic box is her new bestie.
Recipe for Disaster
no matter how you mix together "sausage" and "bacon" is fine by us.
Our 2012 Predictions
and in the end, john cusack still can't save us. damn him!
Meet The Staff! editorial manager Ryanne Flanders
PAGE 14 >>>
Spring Semester Prospectus
we give you some insight on whether or not this semester is going to suck.
Advertising Manager Sterling Swanson distribution Manager Austin Harrison
marketing managers Jordan Granier Susie Tucker campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?
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What Your Professor's syllabus Really Means
THe top ten Reasons Thursday Nightlife is Just Better 10) More people: We’re not sure what started the Thursday trend in Oxford, but it’s the best day to go out. More people are out on Thursdays than any other night, and it’s the best. The number of stumbling girls in skyhigh heels is uncanny. Which takes me to my next point: 9) The girls: Ole Miss is notorious for the amount of attractive ladies. We just do it better here. On Thursday, these girls are in their best, the only clothes that rival Thursday night’s outfits are Grove clothes. There’s also a great possibility that these girls will be tipsy off their red and blue-clad asses. You won’t find any sissies here. Go big or go home. We know how to keep up with the big boys. 8) Weekend parties are desperate: Partying on Friday and Saturday is so overdone. It takes no real talent, nor effort to go out on the weekend. Nothing is at stake. You don’t have work or school the next day, so you can spend your entire day in bed being lazy. Which leads us to...
Class: FUR 241C - F*#&ING UNIVERSITY REQUIREMENT 241C Semester: Baseball Season 2012 Time: 3:00p.m.-4:10p.m. Tuesdays and Thursdays Location: 341 Thefarthestgoddamnbuildingfromwhereyoulive Instructor: Dr. Foreign U. Wontbeabletounderstandme Office hours: You’re not going to come anyway Course Overview: This is a required course, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with your intended major or the career you’ve chosen to pursue post-graduation. This course is designed to completely demolish your GPA and constantly infuriate you. There are over 500 students in this class, so if there are any individual issues that you may need assistance with, your chances of receiving help are slim to none, but closer to none. Class Structure and Requirements: • Individual contributions: Class participation will be a major part of this 500-person class, and even though I will be unable to see the entire room, you will be required to contribute on a regular basis, as this will heavily impact the grade you receive in this course. (Note: I am not responsible for knowing your name at any point during the semester.) • Case study: Disregard this bullet point until April 1st. The FUR 241C case study is a project that will be introduced during the first week of class. You will have the entire semester to work on it, but you will complete and submit your half-assed assignment four minutes before the late-April midnight deadline. • Team contributions: Even though you know nobody in this course, you will be forced against your will to work with a complete stranger. This individual may seem like a promising partner initially, but will ultimately ignore all attempts of contact
the week the project is due. • Book review: There are no SparkNotes on this book, so you better pray to God someone put up a study guide on Notehall. I think you know as well as I do that you’re not going to read it, as it’s close to 500 pages. Grading Scale: 90 – 100 points: 4.0 (No Chance) 85 – 89 points: 3.5 (Dreaming) 80 – 84 points: 3.0 (Hoping) 75 – 79 points: 2.5 (Realistic) 70 – 74 points: 2.0 (More realistic) 65 – 69 points: 1.5 (Ole Miss makes the College World Series) 60 – 64 points: 1.0 (Archie Manning dies) 59 points and below: 0.0 (Don’t be surprised) Schedule of Classes: Week 1: You can skip these days. Week 2: You can continue skipping. Week 3: You should consider coming now. Week 4: Some bullshit project is due. Week 5: You finally start coming. Week 6: You have no idea what’s going on. Week 7: Unfair midterm. Week 8: This is stupid. Week 9: SB 2012!!! EVERYONE GETS LAID!!! Week 10: You’re probably skipping again. Week 11: You'll do better next week, swear. Week 12: You completely forget to come. Week 13: It’s too late to drop now, idiot. Week 14: Final Review: If you’ve missed everything else, you should be here. Final Exam: Friday, May 4th, 7 a.m. Room 106 in one of the buildings you’ve never heard of.
7) Really, who wants to waste their Saturday and Sunday hungover?: Chances are, you have class on Friday, and that sucks. Why not make everything suck on the same day? Plus, how else would you share your stories with all of your friends in one central location? Who wants to waste good drinking time talking about it Friday night? 6) Because, why not?: You get an extra day of partying if you start early. You’re not doing anything else. It’s college. When else is it going to be completely acceptable to go out on a weeknight? That’s right. Never. 5) There’s a better selection of places: Most bars are at their height on Thursday, and since most places are located on The Square, there’s not a more convenient time to bar-hop. On Thursday, more of the bars are 18+ instead of 21+. Who wants to wait until senior year to experience The Square? 4) You can go home for the weekend: No one wants to miss a fun weekend at home, and this way you don’t have to. Friday morning is hangover recovery, leaving you to hit the open road after class that afternoon. You get to party with the cool kids then go home and have your mom wash the puke off your Polo. Cool, huh? 3) It’s a tradition: No one wants to be the douche that messes with tradition, okay? Classes upon classes before you have made Thursday a staple of Ole Miss life. We’d hate to see the person that tries to make Friday the “in” day. No, seriously. We don’t even wanna hear that crap. Screw off. 2) You won’t get any sleep: because your neighbors are going to be out having fun, and when they come back they’re going to wake you up. Instead of being the angry neighbor, you can be the one making everyone angry. Seriously, guys. We’ve tried not to go out on Thursday. Instead, we sat up awake and pissed off. Your body is used to going out. You won’t sleep or do anything productive at all except wish you had gone out. You’re welcome. 1) ‘Cause we said so: If it’s in print, it’s legit. Why would we lie to you? We wouldn’t. In fact, you’ll probably see us there! Come join the fun. These are the best years of your life. Don’t regret not taking advantage when you’re 40 and bored. Ryanne Flanders wrote this
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SHOUT OUTS! Court – did you really come back to our place early and move everything in my room? I can’t find anything! Just wait until you leave for a weekend… Jake, that was an epic party, but seriously, who clogged the toilet? Thanks for not getting too mad when my friend and I peed in your trash can...-Sarah Danny, sorry we broke your TV…who knew those hand straps on the Wii remotes would have come in handy? Chris, there’s no way you are moving in with that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS! Are you ready for one last semester, girls of 412? Time to get crayyyyyyyyyyyy! So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week... already broken...so sad...-Jess John, new resolution, no fatties this year. Deal? -Brian Sarah J - It was great "reconnecting" over break, but uhh...I'll see you in the summer. Cool? - Dave Drunk girl eating that sub on the sidewalk Saturday...you looked good with that mayo on your face. -5 polo poppin Owning a dragon pillow pet is not acceptable for a grown man to have on his bed. Hide that shit. -Eggz Blonde in the mini skirt at Corner who asked me if I was related to Drew Carey...I hate you. There's NO CRYING IN (wii) BASEBALL - SCOTT!!! Jesssss - way to bring in the 21st... the bathroom smelled like Jager for a week... Ginger on crutches in the bookstore on Friday...if you REALLY wanted a piggyback ride up the stairs, you should have asked like you meant it. Amanda, next time we make out, warn me that you've had a tray of blue shots...smurftastic SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
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going facebook official: an internal debate teddy baum cox wrote this Brain: The meeting of Craig’s organs is now in session. Today’s topic is the possible elevation of Jessica Fry from her current level, slampiece, to a dignified girlfriend, which will be Facebook official. First to speak: Heart. Heart: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Gentleman, as we all know Ms. Fry has put up with some pretty heinous bullshit. On New Year’s Eve, she tolerated Craig’s drunken shenanigans and stayed with him after he picked a fight with that guy who was “undressing her with his eyes.” She even went so far as to drive him to Taco Bell AND slept with him after he attempted to eat twelve tacos in a row. My friends, I reckon she’s the one! Penis: I’m afraid I need to stop you right there, Heart. Testes and I have been talking this over and decided that going Facebook official is so not bro. Not only is it taking us off the market from other women, we’ll be locking ourselves into her and all of her negative traits, specifically her heavy mouth breathing. It seems like this woman doesn’t even know her nose exists. And let’s not forget that she had a bean burrito while we were pounding down those tacos and her breath smelt like a burnt turd. I could barely do my job that night with such awful breath. Brain: Uh, Penis? I hate to break it to you… but you didn’t actually do your job that night. You called in sick. Remember? Penis: Whoa! Don’t blame that one on me! Liver slacked off and all those shots Craig had made me pretty sleepy. I can’t handle that much whiskey on my own and you know
that. Liver: It’s not my fault the asshole attempted to do 11 shots for 2011 and 12 more for 2012. At least Jessica was there to make sure he didn’t die. And if she becomes Facebook official, I’m sure she’ll keep a tight leash on him and my job will undoubtedly become easier. Eyes: You guys are missing the most obvious point here. She is beautiful— her sweet, green eyes, her dazzling smile, those dimples that show up on her cheeks when she laughs at one of Craig’s awful jokes… she’s an angel. Both Hands and I agree; this girl is a work of art. And I speak for Ears when I say her constant chatter isn’t nearly annoying as some of the underage girls who cry in the bathrooms at Rick’s. Penis: Seriously Eyes, I think I’m going to be sick. Her sweet, green eyes… what about her fat ass and supple rack? That’s what gets the boys and me going, but if you guys seriously move forward with this, I’m going to have to take drastic measures. Brain: Penis! Quit being so immature! We’re talking about a potential girlfriend here—a woman whose honor we might have to defend. She is the one who willingly sat through the Ole Miss/MSU game with Craig and didn’t bat an eye when he shouted vulgarities at Cousins’ interceptions that nearly made Heart explode. I motion for a vote. Those in favor of the elevation of Jessica Fry to FBO girlfriend, say yea. Brain, Heart, Eyes, Liver, Ears, Hands: Yea!
Penis, Balls: Oh, this is bullshit! Nay! All of you shall suffer our wrath! Brain: Calm down, Penis— you had your say and it’s decided. Initiate “Make Dat Shit Official.” (The next day) Craig: Jessica, these last few months have been incredible and every moment I have spent with you has been great. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to take it to the…ugh ugh, oh my God! Brain: What’s going on?! Penis: Hooooobastaaaaank! Jessica: Um, that was quick… Penis: Victory is mine!
OXFORD, MS
OOL • L I V E MU SI C
JANUARY 2012
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o t k c a b e m o c l e w ! n e v a e h d oxfor
ode to my xbox: a break well-spent Oh my XBox, I love you so. How you stand proudly next to my TV. If I could, I’d never let you go. I’d take you everywhere with me.
I know you were excited Christmas Day, When I opened up Modern Warfare 3. A thrilling new game that I could play, Forever just my XBox and me.
So plastic, so black, so sharp, so sleek, With two trendy controllers to match. I could spend hours on you, an entire week. XBox, you’re one hell of a catch.
You and I prestiged in a whirl, Leaving the 12-year-old boys in shock. Which is good considering I’m a girl, And you, well you’re only a box.
I was tired of exams and hours in class; Winter break was just what I needed. An excuse to relax and just sit on my ass, Until these four weeks were completed.
Who needs membership to a nice gym When Kinect games can keep me in line? Zumba always made sure I stayed slim, And that my ass would keep looking fine.
Your friend Netflix and I made a good team, On a cold and rainy afternoon. As long as you kept your ring of green gleam, I will never have to leave my room.
Without you, what would my break be? A month of sleeping and eating like shit? I’d even have to spend time with my family. I’d do anything to get out of it.
Thousands of movies and TV shows, Available to watch instantly. All daytime programming on TV blows, But that had no affect on me. We would watch South Park for hours a day, Almost finishing all fifteen seasons. Then once in a while a documentary, If the topic was something in reason. So many movies I never would’ve seen, Or never cared about before; But I clicked and I watched. As for me, I became one huge Netflix whore. Sometimes you’d sit and stare back at me, “Really? You’re watching movies again? Isn’t there somewhere else you should be? Why don’t you go out and make some friends?” “You lay on your bed for hours each day. Go out, get a job, make some money.” But I would just laugh and continue to play, “Oh my Xbox, you are so funny!”
I’d only take breaks to eat or go pee; And I’d run back as fast as I could. Ignoring my sister begging me to play Wii, Just like any loyal friend should.
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I thought nothing could get in our way. Our romance was one for the books. But then it hit me, one dark, dreary day: Nothing is as good as it first looks. On the horizon, it was advancing: The return of the spring semester. With no more time for games or dancing, Just classes and homework to master. I’d have to decide which one to choose. Should I play Call of Duty or study? Should I stay in or go out and booze? I mean I’m really lacking on money. Who am I kidding? Of course alcohol wins! But while I’m out, you know I’ll stay true. After too many shots that lead to the spins, I’ll come home and spend more time with you.
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I'm a liberal professor Ahem. Greetings class. I’m a liberal professor. Before I begin teaching today I would like to remind you that the structure of our course is highly experimental. i.e.: I have not planned anything out for it. So you can all stop this business of asking what is due or where you can find the syllabus. I believe that we need to undo all the “education” you’ve been getting and only use techniques that will teach you how to learn. I’m a particular fan of the ancient Greek method of teaching in tangents, so you will mostly learn by listening to all of the anecdotes that come into my head during our truly aimless discussions. I have a beard. I will curse frequently. I will make references to my wife and my sex life. Your inside will tell you that such jokes seem off. Your outside will laugh on cue. On a few days I will stop speaking for the duration of class and allow all of you to lead the discussion. It will be positively uncomfortable. Not unlike the future of our planet if people continue to fuck it up. In fact, I was just reading on the Huffington Post about baby polar bears who are drowning because of all the melting ice in the arctic. Who’s gonna save the baby polar bears? I’m certainly not. Are you? So let’s adopt some goddamn energy efficient everything to get Earth back to the way it was. Hrm. Sorry, class. My wife calls these my “Al Gore Moments.” Gore is on her bang list, along with Obama and Ulysses S. Grant. She likes politicians. I don’t like politicians. I especially don’t like, as you may have guessed, Republicans. Why any of these two-bit candidates are even on TV in the first place is beyond me. They’re all escapees from the loony bin. Now, enough of that boring stuff. Hah. Class, let’s talk about the origins of happiness.
I know them. I’m your professor. But rather than tell you what these origins are, I will instead call on one of you to see what answer you’ll contrive. Once you’ve inadvertently stated society’s prevailing notions of happiness and revealed your unique style of bullshit artistry to the class, I’ll completely shoot you down with a simple answer that is inarguably correct. Let’s begin. Genevieve: What are the origins of happiness? Success, you say? By success do you mean money? Even if that isn’t what you meant, you’re not wrong, Genevieve. Money provides comforts that definitely make life easier. Hell, I should know thanks to the sales from my last book. But contrary to what those Wall Street fuckwads will tell you, it isn’t money that gives us happiness. It’s love. Class, you don’t need a therapist; go have a long conversation with your parents about your childhood. You don’t need friends; go get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that’s everyone you need. You see, everything you’ve been told about how to live your life is a lie. Just remember, if it feels good and it doesn’t hurt anyone, do it. That’s what she said.
NOW HIRING!
So there you are, sitting in class (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about how much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to Auburn is now the biggest douchebag in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or maybe you want to help throw awesome parties or market our mobile app? Or you want to hang out with other people who smell nice? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now!
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OM@theblacksheeponline.com
11
Bartender
of the
Week Year in School: Junior
Personal Theme Song: LMFAO- Party Rock Anthem
Major: Communication Sciences and Disorders
Turn Ons: Jeans, Flatbills and anything the opposite of frat
Relationship Status: Taken Funniest Thing That's Happened While Working: Seeing a drunk girl try to dance slutty, then falling off the stage. Favorite Drink to Make: Tiny Juice
m u a b n e g i e F ra club the corner Sacanopy
Favorite Shot to Make: Alabama Slammer Dream Date: A picnic on the beach
drinking game:
thumper
Thumper? I don’t even know her. The game that makes the moment at every party where it’s time to give the busty chick the universal gesture for jacking off go considerably smoother. What You’ll Need: Stable furniture, pent-up aggression, friends, and any form of alcohol. (Germans are not necessary but highly recommended.) Number of Players: Six people will work; but the more people you’ve got, the higher level of perversion you’ll reach. Shoot for eight to twelve. Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough that you’ll wake up to find a VCR improperly installed to your microwave with the melted sequel to Bambi inside. How to Play: - Gather everyone around a table, they’re allowed to beat the crap out of it. - Each player comes up with his/her own hand gesture. If you’re stumped, try to think of a gesture you’d like to see the tittly girl sitting across from you perform. - After all players have gotten a chance to remember everyone else’s gestures, everyone begins drumming on the table, and they do so until the round ends. - The leader then shouts, “What’s the name of the game?” And everyone else answers, “Thumper!” The leader then asks, “Why do we play?” And everyone responds, “To get fucked up!” Or, “To hinder judgment and make sexually suggestive hand signals that will hopefully lead to a poor decision at some point later tonight!" - The leader then performs his gesture (say, air-drinking a cup of tea with proper, pinkieextended technique) followed by another player’s gesture (say, fisting to forearm depth in the circle he made with his other arm). The player whose gesture was last performed, Air-Fister (not to be confused with the porn-version of The Last Air Bender), now does his own gesture followed by a different player’s gesture. - The round continues until a player either screws up one of the two gestures, takes too long to finish, or forgets a gesture entirely. The drumming then stops and the loser is singled-out with chants of, “You suck (5x). Drink bitch!” - The loser then becomes the new leader and the cycle repeats. The game is over: Once you’ve shattered your roommate’s glass coffee table and he doesn’t even give a shit.
Turn Off: Men who wear Chacos Last Thing You Did With Your Hands: Made a drink, of course Celeb You Want to Hang With: Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill Celeb You Want to Punch in the Face: Kim Kardashian
recipe for disaster:
Bacon-Wrapped Sausage or Sausage-Filled Bacon Bacon or sausage? Always with the ultimatum. Tired of having to order a number six and a seven off the breakfast menu at the local D’s just to do what they should already be doing? Yeah, I’m talking about merging the deliciousness of those wavy strips of red, white, and reddish-white brown and the lusciousness of those links of porkish-ecstasy. Enough talk. Let’s put this pig back together. What You’ll Need: Toothpicks, a 1/2 lb. of bacon, and a 1/2 lb. package of pork sausage are all that’s required, but a few slices of American cheese, maple syrup, two encased dead baby chickens, and about a quarter box of pancake mix will allow you to finish the job that Ronny McDonny has always refused to. Cook Time: Drunk, a good hour. Sober, forty-five minutes. Fatty Factor: There are 560 calories in a sausage McGriddle and 420 calories in the bacon variant. That’s roughly 1,000 calories - so double that. Let’s Get Baked: - While still in the package, slice the bacon strips in half length-wise. Cut the sausage into pieces roughly the same width as your bacon. - Wrap the bacon strips around the sausages and hold in place with toothpicks. - Place your mini Franken-pigs on a cookie sheet and throw these puppies in the oven set at 300°F for 45 minutes. (Optional) McMcGriddle or The Number 67 - So you’ve decided that you’re capable of making executive decisions at McDonald’s and you’re about to make the McMcGriddle at four in the morning, congrats. If you’re in a poor enough condition that you need instructions to scramble eggs and pan up some cakes, maybe you shouldn’t push your luck any further. You’re going to need it to remember to remove the toothpicks. - Shove your eggs and your meat abomination inside a big-ass pancake and fold. You’ve just created a completely mobile breakfast. Go fuck yourself, cereal bar.
our 2012 predictions February 5: After Tom Brady secures a 27-25 Super Bowl victory on a Hail Mary, Tim Tebow appears above the crowd to denounce him as Satan. An epic battle ensues, with Brady winning. Tebow dies and immediately ascends to heaven, unlike Jesus, who had to wait three days.
By Brendan
April 5: On the night NBC
airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”
June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.
march 22:
january 30: In a shocking move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”
Less than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”
may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”
The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course—watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anythingbut-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time. At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a halfchub to a Rigid Richard in record time.
You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them. The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Boner-roo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.
A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.
2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise
reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.
september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.
November 6:
In his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I'm going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”
october 2: Less august 12: Dr.
Dre’s long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties the world over rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.
cd review
than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.
out now
skrillex Bangarang EP The latest from the god of dubstep certainly is bangin’.
The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
GRADE B
It’s easy to hate on dubstep (just bass drops and weird noises, right?) just like it’s easy to hate on any genre; pop music is just over-produced whiney white girls singing about boys and rap music is just Autotuned black dudes rappin’ about guns and bitches. So, if you want to believe the generalizations, fine – be content with Taylor Swift and T-Pain, but the latest from mainstream dubstep darling, Skrillex, dares to be more than just that. The Bangarang EP is enough for anyone—new listeners get a taste for the style and dubstep diehards get their fix of original beats, sounds and a few surprising bass drops. It’s nothing to write home about, but it certainly gets you in the mood.
plays up more direct enthusiasm and originality than the former. The rest of the album continues on in a perfect mess of loud, nasty beats, setting the mood for a partially blacked-out weekend night. “Breakin’ a Sweat” features samples from The Doors, which is pretty interesting, and is also slightly Girl Talk of him, but still really good. “Right on Time” is another awesome track with a seemingly endless build up that leaves you perfectly on edge, on edge, on edge—just before it slows down long enough to bring you back to reality with an ideal bass drop. It’s a track like this that shows Skrillex knows exactly what he’s doing and not just some punk with a sound machine.
In case you aren’t aware and/or above it all, Skrillex is a 24-year-old producer who has pioneered the dubstep/electronic scene in the past few years. He’s been nominated for five Grammy awards this year, including Best New Artist for his explosive hit, “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.” It’s the tune barely-legals and early twenty-somethings will be playing in their minds when they reminisce about their first time taking ecstasy. Ahh, the simple things in life. With his sweet hair-do and incredible energy, it’s no wonder Skrillex has been the face of this blossoming genre.
You have to take this music in stride, though. Just like you wouldn’t blast Bon Iver before a tailgate, you wouldn’t listen to Skrillex softly in the background whilst studying for a philosophy exam. But for those who still aren’t convinced, I tempt you to see this dude perform. As with most music, it’s far more amped up when seen live, and that enthusiasm is propelled into any future instance of listening to said music. You remember the lights, the sounds, and the feeling you had when you were with your friends, dancing and loving life. Drugs? Yeah, maybe, but music like this makes you feel just as good.
Naturally, the Bangarang EP is only 7 songs, but within those 30 minutes is some of his more ambitious material. The title track featuring Sirah is the first standout. “Kyoto” is another track featuring this Sirah lady, and definitely
December 20:
Sounds Like: Bloops, bleeps, and some sweet bass drops. Download: Bangarang, Right on Time, Kyoto Listen to it When: Anytime you aren’t trying to focus.
UPCOMING RELEASES Craig Finn - Clear Heart Full Eyes Ingrid Michaelson - Human Again
Nada Surf -The Stars are Indifferent to Astronomy
Tim McGraw- Emotional Traffic Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 52
Lamb of God - Resolution Kellie Pickler - 100 Proof
The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents
2012 Prospectus
Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.
social life
+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.
SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________
work +2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.
WORK SCORE: ________
class
+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.
CLASS SCORE: ________
Now add up your score.
A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?
TOTAL SCORE: _____/100
the madlib:
the bookstore Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it. If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.
1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money 13) Feature
14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment
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six degrees of separation
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Do you know how Tom Sizemore and Pamela Anderson are connected? Email us at sixdegrees@ theblacksheeponline.com and let us know. If you’re right, you may just get a sweet ass prize.
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