The Black Sheep
Hav Fre e a e...l gre ike at a bi su rd! mm er!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 5/3/12 - 5/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_vcu
The Legend of the Biology Final Ta Trammell wrote this
Your palms sweat, breathing escalates and your mind twists and turns in a state of utter confusion. No, you’re not losing your virginity. It’s just your body’s reaction to your teacher’s explanation of your biology final. As she rants on and on about this beastly creature you can’t help but feel like you are the chosen one, on a quest to save the world (or in this case, your grade). To complete this epic adventure you will need several items: - A Dora the Explorer backpack, which includes a singing map, binoculars and several other items you may or may not need. - Your biology textbook, also known as a super-boring dictionary that has the most magical of effects - the ability to put all but the most hardcore student to sleep in seconds. - Flashcards and colorful markers to keep your inner child off life support, cool music and a colossal amount of caffeine. Now that your knapsack is full of all the necessary items needed to complete your journey into the fiery pits of the much-feared biology final, you need to understand the risks you must take to survive. First, you must sacrifice your freedom. Just imagine you’ve been wrongly accused for a crime, and the only way you can be set free is by getting an “A” on the final. The next thing you must sacrifice is your food consumption. Your late night Shafer and Cane’s dates are over. Everything is super quick, microwaveable or extremely bad for you. You from here on out can’t afford to eat healthy; it takes entirely too much time. The last sacrifice will be the hardest, but it will ultimately free up your schedule. You must eliminate “boo time.” I know what you’re thinking – all that sexual frustration will make you angry and bitter, causing you to slip into bouts of Hulk-like rage. The grass will be greener (and you less so) on the other side. A study conducted by the Harvard Association of Righteous Dorks (AKA HARD) states that sexual frustration is a great motivator to achieving high grades.
step for studentkind begins with verbalizing your desire to study. Don’t actually begin. Procrastination is a necessary part of the process. Everyone does it. Finals success is just easier when one says that they’re going to take the tests without committing to hours of study. In the procrastination phase just YOLO everything and convince yourself that you’ll be fine without studying. Then you find yourself at CVS filling an 180mg supply of depression meds, all because the “F” you might earn sends you into a deep, dark place you can’t escape.
Ok, now that you’re well prepared it’s time to officially start your journey toward academic excellence. The first small
After all the procrastination is out of your system, you’re left with only one option – Nike. Just do it. You make outlines,
Location, location, and lots of bros. see page 5
Other stuff
Inside
Now Leasing: Frat Row
use your flashcards and highlight your book until it looks like it was meant for coloring. Just keep your eyes on the prize, and don’t look back. Even if jealousy is steaming inside of you because of your friend’s effortless exam schedule, stay focused. As you hand in your final exam, recall Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Just because he got his hands on the treasure didn’t mean the day was won. No, he still had to escape. Run back to your backpack, throw everything inside and sprint out of the classroom at maximum speed. Not until you’re outside can you inhale a breath of sweet, sweet freedom. Suck on that, mitochondrial DNA!
Advanced THC 420 or something... wait, what? see page 7
The Most Important Test to Pass
they’re tired, hungry, and crazy! see page 13
Don’t Feed The Students After Midnight
02
Table of > > > PAGE 7>>>
contents
The Top Ten
Things to leave off your application... Because only we care about your best keg stand record.
PAGE 9>>
9
Bartender of the Issue
Katie from Republic, and Natalie Portman in a jell-o wrestling match? okay, we’re listening.
page 11 >>
12
Parents Say The Darndest Things!
Especially when interpreting ke$ha lyrics.
page 12 >>
Summer Blockbusted
how movies that look so right could go so horribly wrong.
editorial - sales - pr marketing - distribution weekly and monthly newspapers. daily website. mobile apps. regional and national expansion. campus and city ventures
this is some of the stuff we're working on... how 'bout you?
now hiring summer & fall interns apply online at theblacksheeponline.com or email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline.com
page three
pic of the week >>> the best things in life are free.
the second best are cheap drinks. download our free app for iphone and android spend less. get more. what's not to love?
Search: Black Sheep Mobile
It goes the other way around, right? Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.
sexy anagrams >>>
Can you guess these hotties?
Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com
The first 5 right answers win prizes! word of the week >>> Shleprosy
Anal Daze So
Hamster Rash Mall
submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.
Definition: A disease contracted by associating with the awkward and stupid. “Dan was about to take a girl home until a sudden bout of shleprosy hit when Martin made a bad abortion joke.”
fraternal twin burgers
1.) blue fondue and smoked bacon
lunch & dinner bar til 2am
#timetocomein
2.) onion rings and fried egg
s@mple restaurant and bar
1 n. morris st. | richmond, va 23220 | (804) 248 - 9157 samplerichmond.com | @samplerichmond
05
www.theblacksheeponline.com
now leasing: frat row Kiara McGowan-Powell wrote this
When apartment shopping with my roommate last year, location was key. When we signed a lease for this year we were elated about two things: our apartment would be located less than five minutes away from our classes, and we also had the pleasure of living on VCU’s famed “Frat Row.” Within three doors in any direction there’s either a fraternity or sorority just waiting to provide us with hours of enjoyment. Yep, living in this part of town is certainly an adventure, both good and bad. First, the smile-worthy. It’s great watching wasted debutantes in four-inch heels stumble down the stairs and into the brambles. As they collect themselves and wait outside for the drunk bus, it’s fun to peruse the fashions for the night. Some women choose to sport the make-up shotgun with skintight mini dress routine, while others forego any semblance of class, making a quick stop at whore island before swinging out for the night. Should the girls opt for a night in, the cops typically arrive to bust the parties that have inevitably spilled into the street. Betches screaming about bros, tears running down faces and maybe a fisticuff or two make for quite the evening adventure. I would complain about the blue and red lights constantly flashing outside my windows, but I justify it as a means towards a higher level of safety in my neighborhood. It’s also entertaining to watch end-of-year freshmen girls awkwardly walking up to a frat house, standing outside texting their friends to see how the party is. It’s easy to remember being in a similar position, but
nowadays it’s impossible to deny how stupid these girls look. Can you believe we ever actually thought doing that shit was cool? Although it’s sincerely entertaining watching everyone associated with Greek life strut past the porch, living in Richmond’s Greektown isn’t all fun and games. Blasting country music at 11a.m. each and every Saturday is a tradition of note at one fraternity. Usually this is done while said frat solicits walkers-by for change, promising that any help will go towards some charity du jour. This week they’re saving Antarctica’s super-endangered arthritic monkey. Being asked for change isn’t bad, but making it a daily occurrence (with that damn country music) is decidedly not fun. Along with country music being blasted every Saturday morning, the girls upstairs pump out today’s greatest pop music songs at all hours of the night while their bffls, bigs and littles stomp up and down the stairs as if they were actually trying to add some tone to those glutes in time for summer. They like to do it when I need to go to sleep and wake up at 7 a.m. It’s not usually a big deal, but after a while it’s easy to tire of Britney Spears’ “Oops!... I Did it Again” again and again. Living next to Greeks is definitely an eye opening experience. It ensures a Friday or Saturday night with a front row seat to at least one guaranteed shit show. If the school year is drawing to a close and you’re yet to find a living situation that you find amicable, consider Frat Row. No hazing required.
www.WESTCOASTKIX.com 3016 West Cary Street Richmond, VA 23221 M-Sa: 11-7 Su: 12-6 804.355.5808 @westcoastkix#niceiscool
Android
iPhone
download our mobile app! BAR SPECIALS DRINKING GAMES PARTY PICS ARTICLES AND MORE!
06 Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
n i t s e b the ! s c i p y part
www.theblacksheeponline.com
View AND Send Pics from our iPhone/ Android App!
www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Things to Leave Off Your Application So it’s graduation time and just as you are finishing off your Beefy 5-Layer Burrito, you realize that maybe your job application could use some beefing up too. But sadly, this is one of the few problems you come across during your time in college that Taco Bell cannot solve. So pay close attention if you don’t plan on spending the next 10-15 years living in your parents’ basement: 10) Your “personal best” keg stand record: As impressive as it is to watch you defy gravity by forcing Natty Ice down your throat while being held upside down by your ankles, unfortunately it does not qualify you for anything besides professional tailgating. And any true Eagles fan will tell you that you can’t tailgate your way to a Superbowl ring.
the most important test to pass brandon conn wrote this “No way! A couple of my friends smoke but I don’t.” “Are you kidding me? That stuff is for losers.” What you tell mom and dad isn’t going to hold up with a prospective employer. Let’s not pussy-foot around it. Chances are that if you’re in college, there’s a high probability you’ll try weed if you haven’t already. Whether someone passes a bowl to you at a party or you’re a regular buyer and toker, it doesn’t matter how frequently you do it when that drug test comes around. So you’ve smoked weed recently, and now you’re looking for a job that’s a step above waiting tables; what do you do? Well, put down your chillum, acquire some eye drops and act cool because it’s time for a Good Idea, Bad Idea segment: Good Idea: Quit smoking immediately. Begin to exercise frequently and burn fat. Bad Idea: Keep putting off quitting under the impression that a couple weeks of a dry-spell will get you cleaned up. Every person’s body is different metabolically and weed stays in your fat cells. So fatty-fatty-boombalatty, you will need a good long while to get clean in comparison to twiggy-scrawny if you just plan on waiting it out. Good Idea: Increase the levels of creatine in your blood with eating lots of meat and fish or taking creatine supplements. Bad Idea: Take “detox pills” or chug bleach/Drano. From the laughable to the downright absurd, yes, Darwin should have already triumphed and offed the morons who think drinking bleach or Drano is a good idea. For good measure, I restate it: DON’T DO IT. As for the detox pills many of them do help clean toxins for health sake but for drug testing, here’s the kicker, even if it does work, testing labs already know about them, so don’t bother.
Good Idea: Five hours before your sample, drink lots and lots of water. The creatine preparation mentioned earlier will help mask the dilution of your urine for the test. Bad Idea: ONLY drink a bunch of water and cranberry juice without the creatine preparation. All this will do is make your motives transparent (like your urine) and make your sample more water than urine, ultimately making the test invalid. Good Idea: Sneak in a clean sample of urine that is at a proper temperature (Difficulty Level: 9.000) Bad Idea: Put drops of bleach on your fingers and swirl it around your urine sample. (Grossness Level: 9.000) As you can tell, bleach will not help you under any circumstances. All you will succeed in doing is being the last person on earth I would ever give daps. Good Idea: Once you get the job, don’t bother picking up the habit again. Bad Idea: Once you get the job, roll the fattest blunt that a hollowed-out cigar can contain. As much as it sucks to state, chances are your job can drug test you again. Even if you aren’t stoned at work, if you break something or make a poor judgment call, there’s a chance they will drug test you again. “Whoa, man! Weed doesn’t cloud your judgment or whatever! In fact, blah blah blah.” Save your spiel for a cliché pro-cannabis research paper your professor has already received 40 times over, NORML member and High Times subscriber. You can present every valid argument, but as ridiculous as it sounds, a human resources department thinks, “Humans aren’t capable of error. Clearly drugs are to blame.” In this writer’s past employment experience, this is true and has happened to me. So after having reread this for your third time after having been distracted by junk food and/or Pink Floyd, hopefully you have retained some useful advice or at least been steered away from the bad ideas of how to pass a drug test.
9) Volunteer work: Assisting freshmen back to their dorm rooms after a party does not make you a “Public Safety Professional.” Furthermore, stumbling drunkenly past a tour group yelling “thanks in advance for your daughters” does not make you a “Rams Ambassador.” 8) References: Try to avoid using family members as references. No potential employer will be super impressed by your mommy’s glowing endorsement. Also steer clear of your closest buddies; Smitty and Smokey don’t sound qualified to fix your toilet, let alone recommend you for a job. 7) Medical research: Your extensive breakthroughs in the field of “curing hangovers with fried food and weed” are only exciting and beneficial to the guy on the fourth floor who is currently only using fried food. 6) Special certifications: Owning a t-shirt that says “Female Body Inspector” does not meet the requirements that allow you to put “FBI” on your job application. In addition, the fact that you once made out with a wasted girl at a party does not make you CPR-certified. 5) Reasons for leaving your previous job: Explaining the details behind where you told your old boss he could “shove it” will only cause your potential new boss to crumple up your application and put it in the pile with the registered sex offenders and anyone from New Jersey. 4) Personal information: As inconvenient as it is to deal with multiple inboxes, it is significantly less impressive if you list your professional email address as: FutureMrsEdwardCullen@gmail. com. It might also be a good idea to change your ringback tone to something a little more low-key than “Baby Got Back.” 3) Your GPA:Does not stand for “girls parties attended”, “general pursuit of ass” or “great places for alcohol”, despite the fact that you have rated each one on a scale of 0-4. 2) Additional skills and talents: no1 wil think u r qual 4 a job just bcuz u can send a txt msg in undr 3 secs. 1) Academic enrichment: Tutoring freshman girls in “Anatomy 101” would almost be believable if not for the fact that your transcript indicates that you received a whopping D- in “rocks for jocks” before switching to sociology, the only major you could find with zero science requirements.
black sheep staff wrote this
Fish Bowl
, s d n , Frie r o v Fla ! t s a e F Bistro Bar 101 South 15th street | (804) 562-1438 | 11am-2am daily
The Food and Event Grid TUESDAY: Craft Sandwich Night
WEDNESDAY: Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps College Night Show Your ID For Great Specials
EVERY SATURDAY: OPEN JAM w/ DAVE SHIFFLIT, 2-5pm, FREE
Come in on mother’s day and get half off apps for all moms!
Fraternal Twin Burger Bight Be@t Night for local DJ’s 11pm-2am
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps FREE POKER Games @ 7:30pm & 9:30pm
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Rock Band 9PM
Three Dollar Thursdays
FRI
Daily Dinner Specials! Live Music/DJ Check our FB page for upcoming acts!
Late Date Night RVA
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Belles (5/11) Groovified Honky-tonk (10pm, $5 Cover) Wake of the Flood (5/18) Dead Covers at 10pm, $5 Cover
Free munchies 4PM Students Save 20% off food all the time (Dine-In Only)
SAT
Brunch 11-3 Live Music/DJ Check our FB page for upcoming acts!
Stay up to date at samplerichmond.com and follow us @samplerichmond
Live Music & DJs Every Weekend! NO COVER!
OPEN JAM w/ DAVE SHIFFLIT, 2-5pm, FREE 44 Diesel (5/05) Rock at 10pm, $5 Cover Factory Four Speed (5/12) Rock (10pm, $5 Cover)
Brunch 10 AM-2PM & 2-for-1 Two Egg Special Before Noon
Come Check Out Some Awesome Live Music
BRUNCH & PUNCH Bring your Fishbowl and get $3 OFF all Fish Bowls $2 OFF Fish Bowls ALL Day RACE DAY! Every Race, Every Sunday
Old-Time Jam 2-5PM Karaoke 9PM
Brunch 10 AM-2PM & 2-for-1 Two Egg Special Before Noon Restaurant Industry Day Half Priced Appetizer Menu
Cocktail Culture Night
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps SERVICE INDUSTRY NIGHT
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM Karaoke 9PM
Craft Sandwich Night
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps Burger Special Buy One, Get One free Te-quil-ya Tuesdays
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM The Trongone Band, 5/08 10pm Dead Covers, Jam Band NO COVER! Grapefruit Fred, 5/15 10PM Dead Covers, Jam Band
Ladies Day Half Priced Appetizer Menu
Low Tide (4-8) $2 Off Select Apps
1/2 Price Apps 4-6PM J3 Project Electro-Jam 5/09 at 10pm, NO COVER! Grease Trigger Rock 5/16 at 10pm, NO COVER!
Mexi Day Half-Priced Nachos, Quesadillas &Fajitas
SPECIAL NIGHT
Live Music/DJ Every Wednesday - Saturday Check our FB Page for Upcoming Shows!
THURS
Daily Dinner Specials! Live Music/DJ Check our FB page for upcoming acts!
SUN MON
Brunch 11am - 3PM
Daily Dinner Specials!
TUES
Daily Dinner Specials!
WED
Daily Dinner Specials! Live Music/DJ Check our FB page for upcoming acts!
3 Small Plates Special
College Night Show Your ID For Great Specials
Pasta Night 6PM Karaoke 9PM
09
www.theblacksheeponline.com
Bartenderof the Issue
Katie Republic
Are you single, taken, or looking?: Married. Sorry guys! What is the greatest part about being a bartender?: I love being able to meet new people, and I thrive on the intensity of the job. What is your favorite drink?: The “Tight Pussy.” I like how it rolls off the tongue… Who is your favorite late night TV host?: Conan all the way! If you could change the National Motto, what would you change it to?: “Live Long and Prosper.” What’s the craziest thing you’ve done on the job?: My co-workers wrapped me in Christmas lights, and I served drinks all night as robot. I was the “Bartender of the Future.”
It’s a zombie attack. Where do you go, and what do you take?: I hijack a motorcycle, take a duffel bag with a machete, a baseball bat and a golf driver, and ride off to Montana and set up base camp. Which celebrity would you challenge to a no-holds-barred Jell-O wrestling match?: Definitely Natalie Portman. If you could choose one person in the world to be president, who would it be?:The Dos Equis guy. I mean, he IS the Most Interesting Man in the World. What’s your secret hangover cure?: Chocolate milk! What is the one thing you would wish to change about Richmond?: I wish people were more open-minded, and I wish they would get to know the city. It’s got so much to offer!
A Great Place to Cool Down!
20% off food for students all-day & night (dine-in only) 325 N. Robinson St. • (804) 355-3701) • buddysplace.net Monday - Friday: 11 a.m. to 2 a.m. • Weekend: 10 a.m. to 2 a.m.
join us all year long! may 5th cinco de mayo and kentucky derby party!
May 13th mother’s day!
Congratulations Class of 2012!
Tastings at 2:30 and 6 PM
Half-off appetizers all day for moms!
Bring by your tassel for Buddy’s Paraphernalia!
Friend us on Facebook @ Buddys Place for more info | Join our Birthday Club for awesome presents
Parents say the
Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.
darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”
And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?” “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all showing
off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.
LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino, Gain the money Oprah Doe! “I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”
“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.
Drake- “The Motto”
Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”
ern Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”
“This song is definitely about drug use.”
Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.
“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in south-
owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming
“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.” “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The
disco ball is hanging from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.
Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it. “This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “
Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.
Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care. “I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.”
Verdict: Neither do we.
summer
blockbusted How movies that look so right
could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.
The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner Gordon becomes A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?
Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this…this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the cold-blooded Mark Zuckerberg.
universe, and Ridley Scott is decidedly different from stuffmy-pants-so-full-with-money-mygunt-gets-paper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, call-backs and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.
a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very goodness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.
The Campaign
Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:
but might just turn out okay Men in black 3
After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John
Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.
Snow White and the Huntsman
In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”
Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. (Each character awkwardly stares at of reality, the movie quickly the other for thirty seconds.) spirals to a dark place rife with one-liner one-upmanship until It doesn’t work. Instead of havthe audience’s heads simultaneing a comparatively sane character ously explode. And that’s bad for to keep the film set in some sort repeat viewings.
that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.
magic mike
This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”
The Amazing Spiderman
So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us mega-frownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker is supposed to be a snarky dick, than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film not a whiney pussy. We have you heads in this direction. Peter Parker on watch, Garfield.
movies that look crappy
Brave Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not cause for
concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.
rock of ages
Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.
ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.
12
Don’t Feed the Students after Midnight
Rachel Sutton wrote this
It’s that time of the year again; students cluster together in study groups sacrificing most meals and all sleep to satisfy the perpetual ache of exam prep. If you haven’t seen your roommate in five days, no fear! She’s been living at the library. Perfectly acceptable change of habitation as long as she remembers to meet basic human needs, but then again, it is exam time. I don’t know how many of you have actually attempted to visit Cabell Library in the past week, but it’s a bit terrifying. Shady characters that I can only presume were students before the pressure hit huddle over their respective stacks of notes and textbooks, looking suddenly over their shoulders at even the slightest sound. It’s obvious these kids are running solely off caffeine and whatever prescription supplements they can get their hands on. Showers are about as welcome as sunlight to gremlins – I feel as if any moment these poor souls will shudder, shake and burst into flames. It’s a terrifying time of year, finals. Most moments would fit seamlessly between the gore-tastic deaths and adrenalinejuiced chase scenes of your average B-grade horror movie. Pressure from advisors, parents, even friends can drive anyone a little bit mad. My favorite justification throughout the semester is, “If I get a hundred on the final,” a contingency which we all, consequently, kill ourselves to meet. Just curious, how many you have actually gotten that redemptive
hundred on your final that you needed? Final exams aren’t miracle workers. If you don’t put effort in throughout the semester, placing too much pressure on a final has a better chance of reiterating your mediocre academic skills than actually pulling your grade up. Too often students’ thoughts fester amongst unrealistic expectations for the end of the semester. This manifests itself through equally improbable and grossly unhealthy study habits. I don’t know about you, but I’m terrified looking in the mirror at my zombified state after two weeks of cramming and sleep deprivation. Post-exam students would sooner fit the profile of horror film antagonists than your average human being. The only reason I have not joined the ranks of the morbidly sleep deprived this semester is my iron resolve to take the time to eat and sleep regularly, no matter the consequences. After a small and terrifyingly difficult shifting of priorities, I find myself significantly more prepared to handle the pressures faced at the notion of our imminent final exams. I know how daunting the task of attending to basic human functions can be in this high-stress environment. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t have made the commitment to myself had I not slept through my last final of fall semester after three consecutive all-nighters. But alas, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to really achieve a change in
behavior. I can only hope that those of you taking the time to read this will heed my warnings of guaranteed doom with the sacrifice of sleep. You can only go on so long before you completely crack – take my word for it. You don’t want to end up like poor Gizmo, do you?
WE DELIVER FOOD, BEER, WINE, CHAMPAGNE AND CIGARETTES DELIVERY HOURS: Monday - Sunday 11am to 10pm 2631 West Cary Street • 804.353.7445 carystreetcafe.com
• MUSIC DAILY •
Show Us Your Booze! : Cinco de Mayo Edition
show us your booze! cinco de mayo edition
Meet The Staff! campus manager Jasmine Kent
editorial manager Elisa Oliver Advertising Manager Lenton Alston Samson Desta distribution Manager Yosief Yohannes Patrick Murphy (Helper) Marketing/PR Manager Jasmine Kent Marketing/PR Team Sean Barnhill Peter Pagan Writers Kiara McGowan-Powell Will Mattimoe Tim Jones Octavia Trammell
Lanee’ Shawntel Sanders Daniel Park Brandon Conn Ben Palmer
campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Sarah Aboulhosn Lenton Alston Brendan Bonham Atish Doshi Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers Questions?
info@theblacksheeponline.com
Advertising?
ads@theblacksheeponline.com
608-712-0900
Find Us At... Republic Mojo’s Philadeli 1800 Bar & Grill Fish Bowl First & Main Electronics The Camel Club Infuzion Posh Aurora Village Cafe Little Mexico Little Mexico 821 Cafe Strange Matter Cous Cous Bellytimber Roxy Cafe Starlite
Starbucks Godfreys Carry St Cafe Cha Cha’s Lucky Buddha Off The Hookah Stuffy’s Rumors Crossroads - ice cream and coffee shop Virginia Book Company Absolute Tattoo Plaza art supply shop Apprentice Hair Salon Ramz Nails
Fine Foods Panda Garden Sticky Rice Bodillaz Baja Mulligans Sports bar Rev it UP City Dogs Delux Monkeys Bar&Grill Sidewalk Cafe Empire T T Lounge Good Taste Presidential Cuts 8 1/2 Canal Apartments Head Hunters Piccolas
Red Dragon China Hibbs hall Harris Hall The Commons Academic Building Broad and Belvidere Cary and Belvidere Ackell The Art building Chilli’s/Cary St Deli Snead Hall Engineering building Bleeker St Cafe Jonahs Cafeteria PLUS DORMS AND STREET TEAMS AND MORE!
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Come Join the Team! We're looking to bring on some writers, marketers, and groupies. Think you got what it takes? Email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline. com or apply online! Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
Friends, Flavor, Feast! Over 40 Beers to Choose From Try Our Famous FishBowls - 10+ Flavors!
Amazing Selection of Apps, Soups, Salads, Sandwiches, Baskets, Entrees, and Desserts! Stop in for an extraordinary burger and some sweet potatoe fries!
Free Poker every Thursday at 7:30 & 9:00
Live bands & djs every weekend party starts at 10pm | no cover!
book your private party here!
Fish Bowl Bistro Bar 101 South 15th street | open 11am-2am daily | fishbowlrva.com | (804) 562-1438