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The Fun and Games Finals Issue
! e d
i RIX s n T
tu MENIFT G ZZES S r IN G UI I MA DE f f T UI
e RTA DAY S, Q E! h t TE LI IB OR
O DL M H - MA ND A -
02
A SPECIAL
THANK
YOU FROM US
Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at VT, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit— you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at vt@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep
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Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”
04
a hokie’s wishlist liz mcdonald wrote this
All year long I’ve been trying to be a good girl: drink less than 8 days a week, make it to class on a regular basis (while keeping my stumbling to a minimum), and various other acts only performed by those with truly upstanding morals. I’ve only participated in these painful day-to-day activities so that I might have the glory of making it onto Santa’s (or if I’m lucky, Captain Morgan’s) nice list for this year. I don’t care if you believe in the lighting of the candles or whatever other holiday celebration, you can’t lie and tell me you aren’t down for some serious giftage. But since I’ve been so incredibly good this year, I’ve got some serious requests for the fat guy up north:
vacation. It’s only fair. -The Commuter Lot to Re-open: How many engineering buildings does this school really need? Build another Surge and give students their parking lot back so they don’t have to dodge and weave assholes the whole way up the parking garage. Or walk all the way from Prices Fork. Ugh.
College football to come back in the spring: What the eff, many will refuse to acknowledge that there will be no more collegiate tailgating in their life. Many never got the opportunity to shotgun beers in the parking garage. Yo St. Nick, how about we try making college football a year-round thing? I know there’s basketball or whatever, but something about indoor sporting events just isn’t the same. Plus, I really like knowing that I have a solid reason to drink each and every Saturday, plus the occasional Thursday. Being regular is good for you!
Diet Pokey Sticks: Laugh if you want, but you’re all wishing for this too. And even if you weren’t before, you totally are now. Imagine if you could take those sticks of garlic heaven and know they are delicious on the lips and will never touch the hips. Oh humanity…
A job: Yeah, everyone is graduating in spring and many don’t know what they’re doing with the rest of my life. The impending doom of bills piling up is hardly what scares most; it’s the fact that you might actually have to participate in the spring semester. What kind of a sick joke is that? A super senior wants the opportunity to say, “screw this test, I already have a job.” Scratch that, they NEED the opportunity, because the apathy is inevitable, but many need a valid excuse. But while we’re wishing, tack on that you’d really appreciate a six-figure salary and at least four solid weeks of
Bradley Cooper: If you’re into dudes this requires no explanation. A boyfriend who looks like Bradley Cooper: Screw you, it’s a wish list!
A teleporter across the Drillfield: While walking across the Drillfield on a warm spring day is actually fairly enjoyable, please take a second to remember what it feels like to have the skin burned off your face by 250 mph winds in the middle of winter. Think of all the money we could save on chapstick and pneumonia medications if we didn’t have to be bothered by the searing pain that is the Central-TechOutdoor-Wind-Tunnel. (I hear NASA’s trying to get a piece of it, it’s that intense.) Obviously the usual requests work too (a yacht, some diamond jewelry…just the norm) but as far as having the best holiday ever, this is what it’s going to take. So cheers to being holly jolly, and hopefully me and Bradley-boo will see you for some tailgate action come January!
@BlackSheep_VT The Black Sheep at Virginia Tech
top 10 Ways to procrastinate at virginia tech
www.theblacksheeponline.com
All About vt (and some other things) Crossword!
The best part about finals is perfecting your procrastination skills. Procrastinating during finals is practically an Olympic sport; it takes over your life and almost becomes an addiction. No worries, we’re here to help. Check out our top ten ways to feed your addiction.
questions:
Across 1. Metallica 3. TBSM 4. Sycamore 6. Hokies 7. Charlotte 8. Bachmann 10. Ravens 11. UVA 12. Shane 14. Wilson 17. France 18. Thomas 19. eedy 20. Zime
Down 2. Castles 5. Onomatopoeia 6. Hi 9. Monmouth 10. Richmond 13. Empo 15. Lane 16. West End
Down 2. Highly anticipated new pub in town
5. Word that is written as it sounds 6. Hoki, Hoki, Hoki, __ 9. VT basketball’s 2nd win this year 10. Virginia state capital 13. The best place to study and socialize 15. The loudest place in college football 16. Best dining hall at VT
answers:
Across 1. Enter Sandman band 3. Total Black Sheep Move 4. Cheapest drinks in the ‘Burg 6. LET’S GO 7. Where the ACCCG is played 8. Craziest betch in the GOP Race 10. Tyrod’s new team 11. Most annoying school in Virginia 12. Frank’s son 14. Running back that catches rabbits 17. Where MD23 plays now 18. Athletic mutant of a QB 19. “Get ‘EmHokies” Artist 20. Drink of Wahoos everywhere
Got the entrepreneurial bug? Check out Blacksburg’s Premiere Coworking Community
10. Empo Socializing: Just set your stuff up on one side of the room and walk to the other side. On your way there and back you can easily kill a few hours just by having chit-chat with all the people you’ll run into there. 9. Order a Lobster at West End: It’s the end of the semester, so everyone is trying to spend the last of their meal plans. The most efficient way to do this is to head right to The Chophouse in West End. Order yourself a Lobster, the bacon of the seas. 8. Do Laps Around the McComas Traffic Circle: How many times can you drive around the traffic circle in a minute? The current The Black Sheep record currently stands at 17 laps. Can you beat it? Finals time is the perfect opportunity to find out, the record books are way more important than academic ones. 7. Sneak into Lane Stadium: Campus Security has their guard up at the beginning of the year, when freshmen try to be cool, and at the end, when seniors want one more memory of the place. Dead winter? Not so much. 6. Finding mistakes in the CT: This one comes directly from one of our followers on Twitter and we love it. So, get out those red pens and read over the latest issue of The Collegiate Times. You’ll be highly entertained by bullshit columns like “The Freshman 15 May be a Myth.” (Um, no, have you seen the frosh you hooked up with the first weekend back? Of course you have, they’re hard to miss at 300 pounds.) 5. Bitch about BCS Standings on Twitter: Any kind of social media is a great way to procrastinate, but getting into it over our BCS ranking on Twitter is easily the most entertaining. Facebook has gotten old, Pinterest is sexist, but Twitter is always there to provide hours and hours of constantly updated stupidity. 4. Sleep: Ahh, sleep. Something we’ve all missed out on for the past semester. When you need to make sure your brain is right, a solid 12-hour nap is in the cards. You’re not going to pass that chem. final without memory retention, are you? 3. Go to Happy Hour: We have some really great happy hours on Main Street. Procrastination Challenge? Make it happy hours. See how many happy hours you can go to in one afternoon. 2. Occupy Awful Arthur’s: Sad to see one of Virginia Tech’s finest institutions go under? So is everyone else. Grab a tent and set up shop inside, if any social movement can garner headlines, it’s one that involves saving a bar. Did someone say, “made-forTV movie?”
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1. Tailgate: Why the hell not? Who cares if the Hokies aren’t playing, who cares if it’s snowing? There’s always a time for tailgating. There’s nothing like grilling your own dinner and enjoying a crisp Bud Light outdoors in the wilderness of the Prices Fork Lot—and it seems a bit more fun when you know you should be studying for a final.
staff wrote this
06
Are you Smarter Than?
The scoreboard:
4.5 ashley’s score
Ashley
your score
katie's answers
vt student and all around awesome person
1.Who was the 2011 MLB American League Champ?
5. LMFAO is related to which Motown Music legend?
2. Who did Obama beat in the 2008 election?
6. Name the three Chipmunks.
9. What country did the United States recently announce that they plan to have a full military presence?
3. What is Newton’s Third Law?
7. How many pints are in a quart?
10) What was the treaty that ended the Civil War signed?
4. What street are people currently occupying?
8. What currency does the United Kingdom use?
1) The Hokies 2) Governor McCain’s Sexy Self 3) Energy can never be created or destroyed? 4) Wall Street. They’d probably have more fun occupying Main St. 5) Berry Gordy? 6) The only one
I know is “ALVIIIIIIIINNNN!” 7) Can I use a lifeline? 8) Pounds… Just as Adele. 9) Can I email Professor Boyer for this one? 10) Somewhere in Texas.
correct answers: 1.Texas Rangers 2. John McCain 3. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction 4. Wall St. 5. Berry Gordy
6. Alvin, Simon, and Theodore 7.Two 8.Pound 9.Australia 10. Appomattox, VA
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So there you are, studying for finals (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about how much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to UVA is now the biggest douchebag in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or maybe you want to market our awesome mobile apps and our website? Or you want to throw parties? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now!
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07
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Final-ly, Finals! 1. How excited are you for Finals? a) Oh, I am so excited, you have no idea! b) Wait…finals are coming up? Shit! c) Well…I’m just excited to go home, so bring ‘em on. d) WE ARE THE 99% e) All of the Above Sorry, did I scare you with that multiple choice question right off the bat? Perhaps you’d like an essay question instead? Describe the cause and effect relationship between drinking alcohol and taking finals. Explain the pros and cons of doing so, and then pick a position and argue it. Okay so yeah, finals are coming up, and they’re gonna suck. Hopefully we can get through them together, but most likely not. You know you’ll be in Brodie or Pritchard on those late night study sessions, munchy-wunchin’ on some breadsticks and pizza, trying to remember what the Dijkstra’s Algorithm has to do with your major: Women’s Studies. The most important thing to remember when studying for finals is to relax. You honestly can’t psyche yourself out—this is the perfect way to flunk a final. But then again…
quiz:
there’s so much to review, and so much to memorize. Oh shit, I forgot I have 3 finals on Monday. Oh well, too late to change them. Now I’m even more stressed. Oh, this breadstick tastes so goooooood. Oh shit! I just got meat sauce on my review sheet. Now I can’t tell what I have to study or not. AH SHITTTT! The final is in 5 hours! I better pull an all-nighter so I don’t miss it. I’ll just study this stupid piece of paper until I memorize everything. Okay…so… the derivative of 2x is…--ZZZZzzzzzZZZzzz. The Rules of Finals 1. DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THEM Yeah, you may have slept through every MATH 1205 lecture throughout the entire semester, but sleeping through your final is going to result in you taking the class over again. I know Chung Choo Su would love that, but you sure as hell wouldn’t. Nobody wants to repeat classes, so the easiest way to avoid this is to just simply go and take the final. 50/100 is better than 0/100 any day of the week, unless that 0/100 is referring to herpes, then fuck yeah, I’d rather have the 0/100. But this isn’t herpes. It might feel as painful, but trust me, it’s not. Set your alarm clock. Have your roommate slap you awake. Sleep outside and have rabid animals attack you until you wake up. Whatever you gotta do to make that 7:50a.m. final, do it. 2. STUDY FOR THEM So this one sounds fairly obvious, but it’s not. Trust me, one time I went into an Introduction to Political Theory (PSCI 2014) final without studying, and it wasn’t fun. I pretty much just picked the answers that sounded funniest. Don’t try copying, either. Those teachers watch you like hawks on finals day. They’re thinking
3. TAKE YOUR MO-FUNKIN’ TIME You know you’re fucked in a final if you finish before anyone else. Even if you’re the smartest mo-fucka in duh class, you take your mo-fuckin’ time in the mo-fuckin’ final, because you never know what might happen. I knew this guy, it wasn’t me…okay, yeah it was. I took a final and finished before anyone else. Later that day I asked my buddy what he thought of the test, and he told me how hard it was, but he was glad there was that extra credit on the back page, or he would’ve failed the class. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--. 4. RE-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX Okay, I’m not gonna tell you to smoke a jay before the exam. [In fact, please please please don’t do that. You’ll thank me later.] But there are tools to utilize to relax before a final. The most important one is sleep (Refer to Number 1.) Secondly, just try something, like chewing gum, taking deep breaths, whatever you have to do, just don’t stress out about the final. It’s just one test. I know you don’t want to see what his name, your MATH 1205 teacher next semester. It doesn’t matter to him, he gets paid either way. Before you know it, you’ll be back at home, resting easy in your bed, dreaming dreams of beer bongs and easily-fooled sex partners. This whole thing—all of finals—will just seem like one big nightmare.
what type of winter clothing are you?
1) So you’re hungry and you need food like, yesterday. What is your “go-to” spot at West End? a) The Fighting Gobbler, so I can gobble down some grub. b) Leaf & Ladle, this is more than a soup line, son! c) Screw West End, Br-Owens is where it’s at! 2) What is your major (or closest to it)? a) Engineering b) Business c) University Studies 3) Where is your hometown located? a) NoVA b) Out of State c) Roanoke 4) Where are you going on spring break? a) Well, my mom said she’d make me lunch every day if I came home to help around the house. b) There’s nothing like hitting up a warm Florida beach with a case of brews. c) I’m going on a cruise with ten of my besties! 5) What is your favorite TV show?
the whole time, if any one of these fuckers so much as sneezes a glance at another paper, I’m gonna rip their heads off. Guarantee you that is going through any teachers head at any given time during a final. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask ‘em? Yeah, das what I thought, G.
Results
8-13: You’re a scarf – Trendy, fashionable, and able to hold your own from fall to spring. Clearly you’re hot shit and you know it. It’s no coincidence that a scarf is always a) I’m a Modern Family man. Ed O’Neil and Sofia Vergara make wrapped around someone’s neck, we’re for a pretty odd couple. guessing you’ve got some hotties hanging off b) Whatever’s on Cartoon Network, besides Adult Swim, that of you on the reg.
stuff’s too vulgar. c) Grey’s Anatomy, always dreaming of McDreamy!
14-19: You’re Uggs – Loved by some and hated by some, you’re just the usual. What was once considered a fad is now considered 6) When you’re trying to seduce a sex partner, what do you the norm. You can be worn appropriately and use as a music delivery system? look cute, or make the fashion offender look a) Hey, the sexytime playlist on my iPod is good for something, like a raging moron. Tread lightly, but I bet you’ll hold your own. I swear it!
b) I stream Pandora and hope that there’s more Marvin Gaye than I’ll ever need. c) I work fast enough that Top 40 radio is all I’ll ever need. 7) For some godforsaken reason, you’re actually up in time for class, how are you getting there? a) Push that miracle whip, son. b) I got 2 good feet and no gas money, I’m walking. c) Hey, it’s not only poor people who have to ride the bus. 8) Where’s your favorite downtown hot-spot? a) I’m not 21 b) Sharkey’s c) Champs
20-24: You’re a Snuggie – Only those that have been where you are understand. Hundreds of spoofs have been made at your fleecey-sleeved expense, but you know you’ll have the last laugh when those dumb blanket wearers are too cold to change the channel!
answers
1: A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 2: A) 2 B) 1 C) 3 3: A) 1 B) 2 C) 3 4: A) 3 B) 2 C) 1
5: 6: 7: 8:
A) A) A) A)
1 2 1 3
B) B) B) B)
3 1 2 1
C) C) C) C)
2 3 3 2
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SPECIAL NIGHT
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THURS
Live Music or “Yes Rasta!” with DJ Cellardoor and Boogieburg Sound Systems See 622North.com
Bollo’s: Danish!, Walnut Raisin Bread & Rolls, Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins Gillie’s: Live Music 7-9pm
8” Deli Sub, Chips, and a Drink Only $5.99 + tax. Add fries for $1
Think Thin Thurs: $1 All Light Beers Thick Burger Thursday: $5.25 Featured Burger from the menu, chips, drink and a cookie
FRI
Late night private functions available in restaurant
Bollo’s: Cinnamon Rolls, Gluten Free Items! Gillie’s: Late Night Music 9:30pm
2 Pita Wraps, French Fries for $13.50
Philly Friday: $5.25 12” Philly, drink, chips, and a cookie Five Dollar Friday: All pitchers $5.00
SAT
Brunch 10am-2pm with Full Bar; Live Music most nights at 9:30pm See 622North.com
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SUN
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MON
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Military, Police, Fire, Rescue, etc. 10% Off
Meatball Monday $5.25 for a 12” Meatball, Drink, Chips and Cookie Tugboat Tuesday: $5.25 for a 12” Tugboat-BBQ, mac n’ cheese, cheddar and a splash of mayo with a drink, chips, and a cookie Two Dollar Tuesday: All beer $2.00
We’re Tired Wednesday: We pick the special... Not the Boss!!
TUES
$9.00 1/2 Pound Beer Boiled Shrimp 5-10pm
Bollo’s: Eclairs, Walnut Raisin Bread & Rolls
Teacher Tuesday Teacher and Faculty 10% Off
WED
Ladies Night! $4 Specialty Drinks $3 Specialty Shooters $2.50 Blue Moon and Purple Haze Bottles 50% off Executive Beers (5-8pm)
Bollo’s: International Specialties!
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Get ready for Blacksburg’s newest bar, Castle’s Kettle & Pub to open! Specials coming soon!
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09
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madlib:
1: imaginary place 2: adjective 3: verb 4: number 5: school subject 6: plural body part 7: body part 8: scent 9: preposition 10: piece of furniture 11: person
12: pronoun for #11 13: verb 14: person 15: person 16: bar 17: noun 18: verb 19: plural noun 20: food 21: adjective 22: body party 23: adjective
being back on campus The drive back to school was the drive from __1__. The interstate was packed with __2__ drivers; I saw a girl __3__ and talking on the phone while driving! People are nuts. It took me __4__ hours to get back to Tech. Thanksgiving break ended too soon and all of my homework has piled up. I still have to write a big paper for __5__ class. I’ve been trying to do work all day but I’m still so stuffed from turkey __6__ that I can barely move my __7__. I have no power to focus, so I think I’ll unpack. My mom did all of my laundry so it smells like __8__. It’s my most favorite smell in the world. She always folds my shirts just right, which makes it super easy to stack them __9__ my __10__. After my room is clean and all of my clothes are unpacked, I think I’ll call up __11__. It’s been a while since I’ve seen __12__ and I can’t wait to __13__. I wonder what we’ll do first, maybe we can meet up with __14__ and __15__ and grab a drink at __16__. Last time we all went out, things got crazy, so I should probably bring my __17__. As much as I love Thanksgiving break, it’s nice to finally be back at school. I love __18__ around the Drillfield and watching __19__. If it’s nice tomorrow, maybe I’ll head over the pond and feed the ducks with stale __20__ I left in the pantry. I hear they love it when students do that! But first I’ll have to finish this __21__ paper and wash my __22__ in the shower before I even think about having fun tonight. Being a __23__ young adult is tough.
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Holiday Partyscopes!
Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in. Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.
Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure! Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.
Quiz: What High School Friend Are You? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… A) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. B) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. C) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. And Mom, if you threw away that KoRn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… A) You took down your “Co-Exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one?
Key: 1) A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 2) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 3) A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 4) A: 1 B: 3 C: 2 5) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 6) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 7) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 8) A: 3 B: 2 C: 1
B) You took down the hitter box you stashed in your closet. After the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. C) You took down that Kate Upton poster. She just doesn’t compare anymore. 3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… A) You no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. B) He’s not wearing a promise ring. C) That beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for The Lord. 4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, A) “Do they have Skype? I need to use it.”
8-13: You’ve found love! While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the quiet Friday night you and Beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really getting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on YouPorn.
B) “When did the party ever stop, dude?” C) “Let me put on my Temple garments first.” 5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… A) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” B) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” C) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when Animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.” 6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… A) People who are destined for hell. B) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores!
14-19: You’ve found God! There you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” The next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.
C) Reasonably-priced homes for you and Karen to move into in three years. 7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, A) “I’VE HAD SEX!” B) “Christ can heal more than just your physical body, my Brother.” C) “Hey, does Shakey Bakes have anything new in?” 8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. C) Making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.
20-24: You’ve found…college isn’t really for you. After a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. And while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPA is closer to 0.4. Maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.
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. . .
T-Pain - rEvolver
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ThE girl WiTh ThE dragon TaTToo
.
. ThE rooTs - undun
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ThE black kEys El camino
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ThE lEgEnd of zElda: skyWard sWord
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Under $25Gift Packages! The Party Person
MotorolaA
For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.
The Designated Driver
Also known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.
Mr. Super Broke
What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!
trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!
Destined for Greatness Duffel
Lululemon
PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.
Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.
Timbuk 2M
Chrome
Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag
Are You on the Naughty List?
PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other on-thego occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.
essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.
Lap Dock 100 Motorola
holiday gift guide 2011
www.theblacksheeponline.com
PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.
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www.theblacksheeponline.com
PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.
Homebrewers Outpost
Beer Making Starter Kit PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?
Peligroso Reposado
42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!
Galaxy Tablet 10.1 Samsung
Short's Brewery
Variety Pack
PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The high-resolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions— making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!
! s e g 5 a 2 k $ c a r e P d ft i G Un
For the Lusty Lover
(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.
FOR THE Super Greek
(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-a-lug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.
for the Study Buddy
(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) - They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)
Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).
holiday gift guide 2011
SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12
They came from the east when they saw his star rise...
They came to pay homage to a new king...
The Three Wise Men.
The evil King Herod had also heard the news.
Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...
And demanded they find this new king...
...so Herod could destroy him.
They paid him no mind and continued their journey.
The star stopped, they arrived.
Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...
Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.
For he truly was King of the Booze!
Meanwhile...
madlib: the crazy story you’ll tell your high school friends 1: Period of time 2: Name 3: Verb (-ing) 4: Noun 5: Time of day 6: Adjective 7: Noun 8: Campus store that would sell (7) 9: Marginalized person 10: Something you’d have in your pocket 11: Same as 10 12: Verb 13: Noun 14: Area of town
15: Obscenity 16: Verb (-s) 17: Same as 16 (-ing) 18: Obscenity 19: Obscenity 20: Verb 21: Same as 9 22: Group of people 23: Same as 2 24: Obscenity 25: Same as 9 26: Verb (-ed) 27: Noun 28: Same as 3 29: Something that you can (3)
Dude, you won’t believe this story. So, a couple of __1__ ago my buddy __2__ and I decided to start __3__ __4__ as soon as we woke up. Obviously by __5__ we were pretty __6__, so we decided to go get some __7__. On the way to __8__ we saw this __9__. We made eye contact and he asked us for a__10__. Of course I gave him __11__, but only if he’d __12__ for it. After, he wouldn’t stop following us. He kept asking us to go with him to buy some __13__, and finally we obliged. We’re walking towards __14__ with this guy and all of a sudden he screams, “__15__!” and just starts sobbing. We try to console him, but instead he turns around and __16__. Dude keeps __17__ my buddy, screaming “__18__ you, you __19__ !” Finally, I get my bearings about me, I just __20__ this __21__so hard. It was crazy, but it wasn’t over yet. Out of nowhere these three __22__ show up, __23__’s bleeding, and I’m like, “__24__.” Turns out, they weren’t after me they’re after this __25__, because once he __26__ on a __27__. In short, I’m never __28__ __29__ again.
scan the code, you’ll like it... Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Opening December 2011 Food, Pints & Music
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