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Volume 2, Issue 1 1/26/12 - 2/08/12
Your Guide to Hooking Up on Campus Gwen wrote this
Let’s face it – hooking up at college isn’t as easy as Van Wilder implies it to be. Between in-class Facebook checking, resume-padding club meetings, and let’s not forget tailgating, it’s hard to believe anyone has time for extracurricular activities. Whether you’ve been pressed for time or simply want to avoid the post-coitus roommate judge fest, we all know you’ve considered an on-campus romp. If you’ve followed TBS’s advice and are hooking up with a TA, you can take advantage of the three square inches of pure cubicle love nest in his or her office. The rest of us must work a little harder. Here are some guidelines for those who want to cum laude on campus. Easy Access: Those sexy leggings and ankle boots are a struggle to pull on at the best of times, never mind hastily tugging them onto sweaty skin after playing show and tail. Worst-case scenario, you’ll sprain an ankle. Best-case scenario, you look like the worst Elvis impersonator ever. Ladies, ditch the skinny jeans and don those mini skirts. Men, may we suggest a kilt worn in true Scottish fashion? Blend In: Take advantage of a crowd. At midnight on a Friday, RAs, TAs, and the PD will be expecting co-ed rendezvous. Unlike your roommate, authority figures have no respect for the tie-embellished door handle. Your prime time for grind time is during a big event or normal class hours. Everyone will be focused on his or her own plans. Finding the source of the strange squeaking in the custodial closet in a crowd will be like playing x-rated “Where’s Waldo.”
goes to the bathroom seven times a day. Do the math before you do each other.
Use Protection: You know, like a lookout. Those ten seconds your best friend spends making warning owl hoots could mean the difference between a quickie and a felony.
Have a Story: If you’re caught, have a prepared story ready. Yes, if it weren’t for his quick execution of the Heimlich Maneuver in the tunnel under Burruss, you may have died. He should get a bravery medal for his lifesaving actions and his manly use of the kilt. If you aren’t the greatest actor, try bribing that peeping Tom with some dining dollars. It’s hard to tattle with a mouth full of West End’s finest lobster.
Never Do It In a Bathroom: Though the locked door may lure you into thinking that it’s the best place for the no-pants square dance, the bathroom should be avoided at all costs. Let’s look beyond the ‘ick’ factor. There are over 30,000 students at Virginia Tech and several thousand faculty and staff. According to a superficial Google search, the average person
Other stuff
Inside
Our venture into this underground club is illuminating.
see page 4
The Blacksburg Illuminati
G.O.P? More Like S.O.P
Be Sober: Once you’ve had ten slippery nipples, keep yours dry until you get home. If you’ve ever woken up naked in a fireplace with a broken martini glass duct taped to your forearm, you know how alcohol affects your usually flawless judgment. Pressing the emergency button then trying to finish before the cops show seems like a great idea after hotbox power hour. There is a time and place for inebriated shagging and it’s in your roommate’s bed. That’ll teach him not to stash your dishes in his dirty laundry. Now that you know the rules, go for that mid-week walk of shame. After all, you’re only young once.
we focus on the hotness potential of the Presidential candidates.
With no more football, is existence meaningless? mostly, here’s how to get by.
see page 5
see page 7
Surviving the Spring Season
02
Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>> PAGE 9 >>> page 10 >>> page 12 >>> PAGE 14 >>>
The Top Ten
Things You Did On New Year’s Eve, But Don’t Remember.
contents 9
Bartender of the Issue
10
Matthan! It’s like Matt and Nathan! Two dudes for the price of one!
Dear Fellow Classmates, This is Why I Hate You
Well, that’s pretty self-explanatory.
Our 2012 Predictions
and in the end, john cusack still can’t save us.
Spring Semester Prospectus
we give you some insight onto whether or not this semester is going to sucl.
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page three
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04
The Blacksburg Illuminati
vt staff wrote this
You may have heard of the Illuminati of late, because of man’s obsession with it taking over the world when our shit excuse of a government collapses, but what you probably didn’t know was that Blacksburg used to have their very own Illuminati chapter. They left their legacy on - or more specifically under - our campus forever. Their legacy is one of the most talked about urban legends on campus. Comprised of six miles of underground tunnels, few Hokies that have stepped foot into this underground transportation system. We did some research for you, our loyal readers, and as soon as we figured out where the library was we hit the deep dusty parts of it to do a bit of research before we did a little “undefield” research of our own. We learned that the Illuminati presented the tunnels as an accessible way for everyone to stay out of the cold, but when push came to shove it was a very different story. From what we understand the Illuminati had the tunnels commissioned during the 1800s, simply because white men could, and they were sick of trudging through the snow. They hired the underclassmen and GDIs to build the now-storied tunnels. The first sets of tunnels were built to take the upperclassmen from campus to Downtown, for what we can only assume is beer drinking. You can tell this tunnel is seriously amateur as its can be filled with water up to your knees, has a dirt floor, and a ceiling like it’s about to collapse. Obviously geeds built it, they were upset that the Illuminati were literally and figuratively above them, taking in the first-ever movie at the Lyric while they were below digging a passageway to get the Illuminati efficiently down Main Street before all the bars closed. The downtown tunnel even has some graffiti from 1911—coincidentally the first year a Rail was poured in Blacksburg. Weird, right? After the tunnel downtown, the Illuminati obviously wanted a way to get to the football games without having to freeze their asses off. They commissioned the geeds for a second
time, but this time the undertaking was a bit larger. You see, back in the day, Oak Lane didn’t exist and The Illuminati all lived in Barringer, Miles, and Vawter. This tunnel must’ve been built in the heyday of Virginia Tech basketball (it existed once!) because the entrance is behind Barringer and goes right to the front door of Cassel. Literally, you pop up behind a pine tree that was allegedly planted there to hide the exiting of rowdy, drunk Illuminati students heading to the basketball games. They was even a beer bottle from the 70s down there, alongside two bottle caps about shoulder width apart and a line drawn that said “feet here.” We’re not quite sure what it’s used for…though it certainly sounds sexual. Eventually, the Illuminati realized that they’ll have to go to class and winter would always come. Luckily, there would always be geeds, and this time it was crucial to start digging from Barringer to McBryde. They added a sub tunnel that enters into the bottom of War Memorial Chapel, which was used as an Illuminati meeting place back then. Once the tunnel to McBryde was done, they realized that they couldn’t go back to their old lives. This was lavish living, now, and they demanded to have the tunnels continue from McBryde to Burruss and then over to Davidson and down to Seitz. After that, they completed a tunnel in the Upper Quad that comes out on Alumni Mall. Once the sixth mile was finished, The Illuminati took over the tunnels and turned them into an exclusive underground transportation system. As of today, the group has moved on past the mountainous region of Southwest Virginia and the tunnels haven’t been used by the masses since. Every now and then some urban explorers will find their way behind the pine tree next to the front door of Cassel, or into the grate behind Barringer but keep in mind that if one of our lovely men in blue is waiting for you when you get out, you better know the secret Illuminati grip—or you’ll spend a night in jail and face expulsion from Virginia Tech. Harsh, right?
@BlackSheep_VT The Black Sheep at Virginia Tech
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G.O.P? More Like S.O.P. (Sexy Old People) ty wrote this
Newt Gingrich Sex Appeal – 0: It’s not that the name “Newt” isn’t sexy, in fact I’m sure all the ladies that just read his name are probably getting a little hot and bothered as we speak. The problem with Newt is that, well, he’s the Republican reincarnation of Jabba The Hutt. To rehash a very old and tired joke, the man has more chins than a Chinese phonebook. It’s just not a good look. His one redeeming factor is that the man makes bank. Sadly for Newt, J. Cole said it best. “Money can’t buy you love, ‘cause it’s overpriced.”
John Huntsman Sex Appeal – 5: Huntsman represents the mild mannered, modest kid in high school who was average in just about every way. He’ll never blow you away with anything he says or does, but at the end of the day he’s still there. Luckily for you interested parties out there, Huntsman is usually always DTF. I mean, the guy is ignored by the media, his own party and you know, there are times that his family forgets he’s there too. It’s that desperation that should make him an attractive target for anyone interested – he’ll do ANYTHING, and I mean anything, to get noticed. Rick Perry Sex Appeal – 6: You know what they say – everything is bigger in Texas! Rick Perry is no exception to the rule either. This is a man who is not afraid to get all up in your face and tell you how it is. I believe the term “straight shooter” is acceptable. Perry has the goods to dress you in the finest leather boots and cowboy hats that money can buy. Lucky for you, Perry has that money, and a lot of it! If that
Things You Did on New Year’s Eve, But Don’t Remember 10) Ate something really disgusting…like, really disgusting: There is no better feeling than waking up after drinking and having the notion that you didn’t binge eat the night before. Alas, someone else always shatters that bliss by recollecting what you actually shoveled into yourself all night. A vegetarian friend ate a 20 pack of McNuggets. A boyfriend deepfried balls of sauerkraut and cream cheese. You probably devoured halfeaten pizza off a dirty street.
Ah – Do you smell that? That’s the fresh smell of elephant shit and lies. It must be election season again. I feel it’s my duty as an American citizen to discuss politics because that’s what the founding fathers would have wanted. They would probably want me to write about the issues facing the country and who would best represent this great nation of ours. Unfortunately - spoiler alert - they’re dead. It is in light of this horrible news, I’ve decided to blatantly disregard their wishes and do my own shit. Here’s a ranking of the candidates based on their sex appeal instead. Cool? Cool.
Ron Paul Sex Appeal – 2: If this list was compiled 40 years ago, Ron Paul would be a top contender. Unfortunately for the 76-year-old Congressman from Texas, it’s not. Ron still has a lot of spunk for an older dude though. I’ll liken him to the Republican Hugh Hefner – why the hell not? He’s loved by the younger generations and as far as I can tell, that includes women too. This Hefner comparison is coming full circle after all. On top of that, Ron Paul has a pretty nice bank account too. So for all you liberty-loving gold diggers out there, this is your man.
the top ten
isn’t the American dream, I don’t know what the hell is. Giddy up! Rick Santorum Sex Appeal – 7: Rick Santorum is a great option for anyone looking to party…as long as you fit his guidelines. He might be reserved in his actions and words but don’t get it twisted, this guy will hold the sexiest Bible study you’ve ever been to! This guy is a go-getter too; he managed to get Google to put his campaign website as the top result for a search of “Santorum” as opposed to the result that used to appear first. So if you’re a wholesome Christian girl who is looking to get pregnant – a lot – you’re in luck because Santorum is ready to spread some frothy love all over the place. Mitt Romney Sex Appeal – 9: We finally have our winner! Straight out of Massachusetts comes the Stormin’ Mormon, Mitt Romney. Homeboy not only has the largest bankroll of any candidate here, but he also has a hairline that LeBron James would kill for! Simply put, there’s a reason Mitt is polling the best among the ladies in the straw polls. Even though he’s married, fret not ladies, because that whole Mormon polygamy thing is about to make your lives a lot easier. I like that logic too. Why have one wife when you could have 99? Mitt’s got 99 problems and they could all be bitches! The popular opinion is the Democratic Party appeals to the younger generation. With their liberal politics and Barack Obama, they may be correct, but these swinging spin doctors could change everything!
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9) Gave a lecture on a topic you know nothing about: Why is it when people drink, they tend to instantly become experts on everything? All it takes is a dude dressed in red, white, and blue and you’re prompted to spout every fact you’ve ever learned about the Civil War. Or it might be something completely irrelevant. Someone bursts into an oration about how kittens are only born in the spring and, after a fifth of Captain, one is ready to send Fluffy to the zoo because they feel like she was some kind of freak endangered species for being born in October. Anything goes bitches, anything goes. 8) Got on Facebook/twitter and made a total ass of yourself: There is nothing worse than checking your recent activity and noticing that you posted on 19 peoples’ walls at 2 a.m. Extra points for misspelled words and pouring your heart out to ex-lovers. 7) Were exceptionally friendly to an acquaintance: The problem with NYE is that it falls over winter break, and for many people that means you spend the beloved holiday trapped with old high school friends that you pretended to keep in touch with, but really only stalk on Facebook when you want to feel better about yourself. After three bottles of Andre, reliving every bad grinding session from middle school with the kid from three lockers down seems like the best idea in the world. Don’t worry, you’ll be constantly reminded of this encounter when he messages you every 10 minutes for the next three weeks. 6) BOMO: “BOMO” (v): The act of Blacking Out and Making Out. Usually with a stranger, always with someone you would never pickle-tickle sober. 5) Made a “feature film”: Chances are you did a few mildly embarrassing things over the course of the night. You know, tripped on some stairs, spilled a drink, and had a threesome on top of the bar with two other chicks. Thanks to all the glory that is YouTube and iPhones, some creep-o(s) definitely have all the acts on film. We suggest searching for “drunken whores,” or maybe asking your pal Siri who the biggest skank on the block is? You’ll feel better after you see it. 4) Emptied the contents of your wallet :“I only spent like, ten dollars last night!” Check your email, dumbass. Those three rounds of tequila shots that you bought for everyone at midnight drained your bank account and probably the rights of your first-born child. Wait for the overdraft notice, its coming. 3) Talked to mom and pops: In today’s technologically advanced day and age, parents now have cell phones and can -- wait for it – text message. Chances are you got a “Happy New Year Pumpkin” or “Hope UR B-ing Safe,” and you probably responded with “alkjeSKJ G0T LAID.” Yeah, delete your message history, pronto. 2) Performed a wardrobe change: We’re sure you looked super cute and got all dolled up to go out for the turning of the year, and we’re also sure you looked like an absolute train wreck when you woke up. Props to those who only had smeared makeup or smelled like beer, you got off easy. To everyone who woke up with completely different clothes, or even better, your original attire ripped off or inside out: chin up, walk proud. We hope he was good looking.
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1) Had too much: This seems obvious, but if you don’t think you did any of the first nine things, there are two potential options. Either you spend the holiday with your parents and a six-pack of Coors Light, or you are completely oblivious to the fact that you were a total slopshow. Sit back, try your best to remember, and call up all your friends for a recap. You know what they say, knowing is better than not knowing – and speaking of which, get tested for the clap while you’re at it.
liz mcdonald wrote this
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SHOUT OUTS! Court – did you really come back to our place early and move everything in my room? I can’t find anything! Just wait until you leave for a weekend… Jake, that was an epic party, but seriously, who clogged the toilet? Thanks for not getting too mad when my friend and I peed in your trash can...-Sarah Danny, sorry we broke your TV…who knew those hand straps on the Wii remotes would have come in handy? Chris, there’s no way you are moving in with that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS! Are you ready for one last semester, girls of 412? Time to get crayyyyyyyyyyyy! So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week...already broken...so sad...-Jess John, new resolution, no fatties this year. Deal? -Brian Sarah J - It was great “reconnecting” over break, but uhh...I’ll see you in the summer. Cool? - Dave Drunk girl eating that sub on the sidewalk Saturday...you looked good with that mayo on your face. -5 polo poppin Owning a dragon pillow pet is not acceptable for a grown man to have on his bed. Hide that shit. -Eggz There’s NO CRYING IN (wii) BASEBALL SCOTT!!! Jesssss - way to bring in the 21st...the bathroom smelled like Jager for a week... Ginger on crutches in the bookstore on Friday...if you REALLY wanted a piggyback ride up the stairs, you should have asked like you meant it. Amanda, next time we make out, warn me that you’ve had a tray of blue shots... smurftastic
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surviving the spring season Lane wrote this If you’re anything like me, a Saturday is not a Saturday unless the sounds of screaming fans, shaking bleachers, and cannons are still ringing in my ears days later. I could already anticipate the heart palpitations I would experience waiting for a pre-game tailgate that would never come. But you are not alone. Thirty thousand people are all fighting the fight. So here are some ways to survive a football-less spring.
Show Off: Nothing says “I’ve just frozen my ass off at a football game” like a Hokie footprint tattoo that permanently attaches itself to your cheek. You’ll be in pre-game mode sticking as many footprints as possible on your face and just wait for the fun that tattoos lend when it’s time to scrape them off. It’s the gift that keeps on giving for your waning football spirit and the spirit of those that get to watch you attempt to remove them.
Raise it up: No I do not want you to fistpump your way through your Bio lab…unless you’re into that kind of thing. But I do want you to grab a girl and benchpress her until your arms burn. Channel the adrenaline you feel when that cannon explodes for the fourth time in the past hour. An added plus: there will be absolutely no fear of dropping this poor girl on a crowd of 1,000 people.
Sneak It In: The hardest part of going through football separation anxiety is the black hole that a prolonged absence from Lane Stadium creates. The best way to remedy this problem is to simply erase it. That’s right. All you have to do is get inside Lane again. Granted, there won’t be people scanning your ticket at the gates and a few laws may be broken but you will have filled a void and gotten away with delinquency.
Ringtone It: Pining away for our football anthem is no laughing matter. The chills rise up my back whenever I even think the opening notes of “Enter Sandman” are playing anywhere in my vicinity. To cure your Sandman blues, add the song as your ringtone. Not just for phone calls, but for emails, text messages, and Facebook notifications. You will undoubtedly hear the song at least thirty times a day. You’ll never even have a chance to miss it.
Hoops There It Is: With only minor differences in the rules, general concept, and height of the players, basketball is as much a adrenaline-rushing, scream-until you’re-hoarse kind of game. You can be just as obnoxious as you can during football except your obscenities will seem even louder when trapped inside the Coliseum. So for those of you who like to get a little belligerent, and a lot hammered, this is
pretty much your cup of bourbon. There is no master equation to surviving Spring without football. There isn’t even really a lot of work involved. You pretty much do exactly what you do in the fall without actually going to a game. And as college students, the less work we have to do, the better. So don’t change a thing, including your insanely high tolerance, and pretty much you won’t even remember whether or not you went to a game in the first place. Winner winner turkey-leg dinner.
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i’m a liberal professor black sheep staff wrote this Ahem. Greetings class. I’m a liberal professor. Before I begin teaching today I would like to remind you that the structure of our course is highly experimental. i.e.: I have not planned anything out for it. So you can all stop this business of asking what is due or where you can find the syllabus. I believe that we need to undo all the “education” you’ve been getting and only use techniques that will teach you how to learn. I employ a modified version of the ancient Greek Socratic method, so you will mostly learn by listening to all of the anecdotes that come into my head during our truly aimless discussions. I have a moustache. I will curse frequently. I will make references to my wife and my sex life. Your inside will tell you that such jokes seem off. Your outside will laugh on cue. On a few days I will stop speaking for the duration of class and allow all of you to lead the discussion. It will be positively uncomfortable. Not unlike the future of our planet if people continue to fuck it up. In fact, I was just reading on the Huffington Post about baby polar bears who are drowning because of all the melting ice in the arctic. Who’s gonna save the baby polar bears? I’m certainly not. Are you? So let’s adopt some goddamn energy efficient everything to get Earth back to the way it was. Hrm. Sorry, class. My wife calls these my “Al Gore Moments.” Gore is on her bang list, along with Obama and Ulysses S. Grant. She likes politicians. I don’t like politicians. I especially don’t like, as you may have guessed, Republicans. Why any of these two-bit candidates are even on TV in the first place is beyond me. They’re all escapees from the loony bin. Now, enough of that boring stuff. Hah. Class, let’s talk about the origins of happiness. I know them. I’m your professor. But rather than tell you what these origins are, I will instead call on one of you to see what answer you’ll contrive. Once you’ve inadvertently
stated society’s prevailing notions of happiness and revealed your unique style of bullshit artistry to the class, I’ll completely shoot you down with a simple answer that is inarguably correct. Let’s begin. Genevieve: What are the origins of happiness? Success, you say? By success do you mean money? Even if that isn’t what you meant, you’re not wrong, Genevieve. Money provides comforts that definitely make life easier. Hell, I should know thanks to the sales from my last book. But contrary to what those Wall Street fuckwads will tell you, it isn’t money that gives us happiness. It’s love. Class, you don’t need a therapist; go have a long conversation with your parents about your childhood. You don’t need friends; go get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, that’s everyone you need. You see, everything you’ve been told about how to live your life is a lie. Just remember, if it feels good and it doesn’t hurt anyone, do it. That’s what she said.
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Dear Fellow Classmates, This is Why I Hate You vt staff wrote this As a college student, showing up to class is an achievement in itself, and even more so if you arrive on time and completely sober. Based on the heinous displays of idiocy I’ve witnessed recently, I’ve come to the conclusionthat nothing says “spring semester has started and it’s going to suck!” better than the obnoxious shit people pull in classes. Though we are all paying thousands of dollars to attend Virginia Tech (money that could be much more productively spent on libations, amateur call-girls, and lobbying for a warrant of deportation for Snooki), it’s not because we all have a burning desire to learn or an innate passion for facilitating the betterment of society; students attend university because they want to rage and get laid. Class is already as painful as the Octomom giving birth, so when inconsiderate douchebags worsen the already excruciating experience for everyone, they deserve to be called out. The typical overachiever who answers every question with unparalleled speed and the enthusiasm of a web-surfing 12-yearold who has just stumbled upon Blake Lively nudescan be excused. It is the kids that show fewer signs of intelligence than the average fifth grader that is truly infuriating. Yes, we’re talking about you, sitting there hitting ‘C’ repeatedly on your iClicker for five minutes after the question has closed when it’s the wrong answer anyways. Dumbass. And how could we forget the smartass that thinks he or she possesses intelligence
far superior to that of the professor’s. Actually, you are not the local authority on mechanical engineering just because you saw all of the The Fast and the Furious movie series in middle school. But the daily grind wouldn’t be complete without the straggler who not only walks in fifteen minutes after class starts, but has his music volume turned up so loud that Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” is completely audible through his earbuds. Not only is your taste in music completely atrocious, you’re only further incriminating yourself as you open Photo Booth on your laptop to make sure your Justin Bieber hair flip is still perfectly intact. And of course, there’s a special place in this tirade for the annoying, oblivious lipstick monsters that plague the university, also known as “girls.” The type of girl in particular consistently takes pride in openly bragging to her legion of bitches about how she got “so drunk last night” and might “have an STD” but it’s “whatevs because (insert guy’s name here) is soooopresh!!!” Newsflash! – you’re an insult to your gender, and the reason why bad reality TV continues to exist. Now is probably a good enough time as any to inform you that when you Facebook stalk random guys and comment “Heyyy, let’s hang out tonight ;)” on each of their walls, everyone is making note of your sloppy sexcapades. You also don’t help your case when you spend five minutes staring at the picture you posted of the tie-dye peace sign tattoo you got on your ankle. But, it’s
like totes okay, because you remembered to bring your flowerpatterned acrylic tumbler complete with plastic straw for your iced coffee and you just updated your wedding pinboard on Pinterest!!! Overall, proper classroom etiquette is fairly simple. If people can spend an hour and fifteen minutes sitting next to you without contemplating slipping a roofie into their own morning coffee, you’re doing just fine!
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Bartenderof the Issue
Matthan sycamore deli
Nickname: The “Man-thumb” Relationship Status: Single and looking Favorite Type of Beer: I love 1554 Dream Job: Rockstar! Favorite Drinking Game: Drinking games are stupid Porn Name: Mackin’ Matthan Life Motto: Now is blessed Favorite Pick-Up Line: “Here, does this smell like chloroform to you?” Dream Date: Natalie Portman. Yum Favorite Song to Karaoke to: Anything with Adele *breaks out in song* What’s One Thing We Can Always See You Doing When Drunk: F
Talking to anyone about anything and everything What’s Your Entrance Music? The Indiana Jones theme song! Biggest Pet Peeve? Whistling or singing along to a song…especially in my car Best Song to “Set the Mood” to? Anything by Boyz 2 Men. Secrets you don’t your parents to find out about? Everything I do every week….or any night of the week Advice to Underage Drinkers: Grow a beard SHOUT-outs!: To the Sycamore crew, we have the best beer specials ever!
recipe for disaster:
Bacon-Wrapped Sausage
or Sausage-Filled Bacon
Bacon or sausage? Always with the ultimatum. Tired of having to order a number six and a seven off the breakfast menu at the local D’s just to do what they should already be doing? Yeah, I’m talking about merging the deliciousness of those wavy strips of red, white, and reddish-white brown and the lusciousness of those links of porkish-ecstasy. Enough talk. Let’s put this pig back together.
S
What You’ll Need: Toothpicks, a 1/2 lb. of bacon, and a 1/2 lb. package of pork sausage are all that’s required, but a few slices of American cheese, maple syrup, two encased dead baby chickens, and about a quarter box of pancake mix will allow you to finish the job that Ronny McDonny has always refused to. Cook Time: Drunk, a good hour. Sober, forty-five minutes. Fatty Factor: There are 560 calories in a sausage McGriddle and 420 calories in the bacon variant. That’s roughly 1,000 calories - so double that. Let’s Get Baked: - While still in the package, slice the bacon strips in half length-wise. Cut the sausage into pieces roughly the same width as your bacon. - Wrap the bacon strips around the sausages and hold in place with toothpicks. - Place your mini Franken-pigs on a cookie sheet and throw these puppies in the oven set at 300°F for 45 minutes. (Optional) McMcGriddle or The Number 67 - So you’ve decided that you’re capable of making executive decisions at McDonald’s and you’re about to make the McMcGriddle at four in the morning, congrats. If you’re in a poor enough condition that you need instructions to scramble eggs and pan up some cakes, maybe you shouldn’t push your luck any further. You’re going to need it to remember to remove the toothpicks. - Shove your eggs and your meat abomination inside a big-ass pancake and fold. You’ve just created a completely mobile breakfast. Go fuck yourself, cereal bar.
our 2012 predictions February 5: After Tom Brady secures a 2725 Super Bowl victory on a Hail Mary, Tim Tebow appears above the crowd to denounce him as Satan. An epic battle ensues, with Brady winning. Tebow dies and immediately ascends to heaven, unlike Jesus, who had to wait three days.
April 5: On the night NBC
airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”
march 22: Less january 30: In a shock-
ing move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”
By Brendan
than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”
June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.
may 18:
Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”
The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course— watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anything-but-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time. At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it, either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a half-chub to a Rigid Richard in record time.
You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them. The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fearboner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Boner-roo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.
A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.
2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise
september 8: In a last-gasp
reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.
attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.
than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.
long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties the world over rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.
cd review
Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I'm going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”
December 20: The
october 2: Less
august 12: Dr. Dre’s
November 6: In his
world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
out now
Skrillex Bangarang EP The latest from the god of dubstep certainly is bangin’. It’s easy to hate on dubstep (just bass drops and weird noises, right?) just like it’s easy to hate on any genre; pop music is just over-produced whiney white girls singing about boys and rap music is just Autotuned black dudes rappin’ about guns and bitches. So, if you want to believe the generalizations, fine – be content with Taylor Swift and T-Pain, but the latest from mainstream dubstep darling, Skrillex, dares to be more than just that. The Bangarang EP is enough for anyone— new listeners get a taste for the style and dubstep diehards get their fix of original beats, sounds and a few surprising bass drops. It’s nothing to write home about, but it certainly gets you in the mood. In case you aren’t aware and/or above it all, Skrillex is a 24-year-old producer who has pioneered the dubstep/ electronic scene in the past few years. He’s been nominated for five Grammy awards this year, including Best New Artist for his explosive hit, “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.” It’s the tune barely-legals and early twenty-
somethings will be playing in their minds when they reminisce about their first time taking ecstasy. Ahh, the simple things in life. With his sweet hair-do and incredible energy, it’s no wonder Skrillex has been the face of this blossoming genre. Naturally, the Bangarang EP is only 7 songs, but within those 30 minutes is some of his more ambitious material. The title track featuring Sirah is the first standout. “Kyoto” is another track featuring this Sirah lady, and definitely plays up more direct enthusiasm and originality than the former. The rest of the album continues on in a perfect mess of loud, nasty beats, setting the mood for a partially blacked-out weekend night. “Breakin’ a Sweat” features samples from The Doors, which is pretty interesting, and is also slightly Girl Talk of him, but still really good. “Right on Time” is another awesome track with a seemingly endless build up that leaves you perfectly on edge, on edge, on edge— just before it slows down long enough to bring you back to reality with an
GRADE B
ideal bass drop. It’s a track like this that shows Skrillex knows exactly what he’s doing and not just some punk with a sound machine. You have to take this music in stride, though. Just like you wouldn’t blast Bon Iver before a tailgate, you wouldn’t listen to Skrillex softly in the background whilst studying for a philosophy exam. But for those who still aren’t convinced, I tempt you to see this dude perform. As with most music, it’s far more amped up when seen live, and that enthusiasm is propelled into any future instance of listening to said music. You remember the lights, the sounds, and the feeling you had when you were with your friends, dancing and loving life. Drugs? Yeah, maybe, but music like this makes you feel just as good. Sounds Like: Bloops, bleeps, and some sweet bass drops. Download: Bangarang, Right on Time, Kyoto Listen to it When: Anytime you aren’t trying to focus.
UPCOMING RELEASES Craig Finn - Clear Heart Full Eyes Ingrid Michaelson - Human Again
Nada Surf -The Stars are Indifferent to Astronomy
Tim McGraw- Emotional Traffic Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 52
Lamb of God - Resolution Kellie Pickler - 100 Proof
The Black Sheep Presents
Spring Semester 2012 Prospectus
Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.
social life +1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.
SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________
class
+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.
CLASS SCORE: ________
work +2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.
WORK SCORE: ________
Now add up your score.
A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?
TOTAL SCORE: _____/100
class tim e
m.a.s.h
tally box
what does your future hold? Husband
Met At
Favorite Hobby
First Child’s Name
• Jon Stewart • John Goodman • Johnny Depp • Zombie John Wayne Gacy
• Court-ordered community service • Westboro Baptist Church protest • Disco Lovers Anonymous meeting • The champagne room
• Tandem peeping Tom • Choreographed butchery • Amateur casket building • Self-righteous indignation
• Destiny • Nebuchadnezzar • Dipshit • Krystal
Date Night Movie of Choice
Housepet
• Ashley Tisdale • Ashley Judd • Ashley Olsen • Ashy Larry
Theme Wedding • Pirates of the Buttibbean • Kris and Kim Take Two • Our Love Is Deeper Than Our • Cuts (Emo) • Threesome With Jesus
• Weekend at Bernie’s 2 • Gigli • Weapons of Ass Destruction 4 • Schindler’s List
meet the staff campus manager Rebecca Samuelson Advertising Manager Cara McBroom Michael Merrill editorial Manager Jamee Short marketing manager Lauren Marshall marketing Team Casey Kelby Kayla Turner distribution Managers Austin Benavides Mark Potter
Writers Ty Hodges Emma Rogers Spenser Snarr Carrie Deutsch campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Rebecca Samuelson Brendan Bonham Atish Doshi Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers
Questions?
info@theblacksheeponline.com
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• Giant cockroach • Wild boar • Gimp
• Primordial ooze
class tim e
Wife
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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