VT - 2/8/12 - v02i02 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 2 2/08/12 - 2/28/12

Valentine’s Doom: A Social Media Takeover Saundra Michelle wrote this You know it before you even open your eyes. The dreaded February 14th has once again reared its ugly head. It’s not the day that you despise but the fear of what’s to come. The second you log onto Facebook you pull the covers back over your head, wishing for a “skip a day” card. No longer can you avoid the unavoidable as you tap your Facebook app. Not only has the worst happened, but it has occurred to the umpteenth degree. Status after status is the declared love between high school dating rookies and college practically-married couples. “I love you baby, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me!” and “Happy nine day anniversary my love!” clogs your newsfeed. Don’t forget about the marriage proposals that are sure to take a dip in the vomit-worthy PDA cesspool. Not only do you not have a love note written on your wall, but you can already taste the vast number of tequila shots El Rod’s will be providing you in order for you to forget that you are broken and lonely again this February 14th. Any other day of the year you’ll be screaming in the streets to the single-girl anthem, “Solo” by Iyaz. But not this day. On the dreaded fourteenth you would rather have a dry weekend than go out and admit that you are painfully alone. Just as Facebook becomes too much to handle, you log into Twitter as a reprieve. Think a-fucking-gain. “Retweet if you couldn’t be happier in love!” and “#YouKnowHesTheOneWhen” flood your timeline. The torment of singlehood stretches beyond the incessant chatter of date night plans in ABP and the girls that insist on carrying their expensive rose bouquets to each and every class. With each buzz of your phone you’ll be reminded that you have no one to tweet about. Sure you may think “I have the best Valentine of all, bitches #mydog” sounds too-coolfor-school but really you just sound like a bitter cat lady spreading the seeds of lonely hatred a few years early. Do that and everyone will know you’re single-girl-struggling. As fun as being single is on every other day - when you can do whatever (and whomever) you want - it’s pretty crappy when it’s just you. Parties of one are never any fun.

Other stuff

Inside

And if you think you can trick the system by logging onto Pintrest to avoid all the fuckery, then you have another thing coming. Say hello to the hundreds of pages now full of love quotes and crafts involving hearts and any shade of pink. Wish that you had someone to make those heartshaped cookies for? Well, I hope you love yourself because you’ll be flying (and stuffing your face) solo and there is no

“So, you have herpes too, right?” seems like a pretty good place to start.

see page 4

How to Get This Rando Out of Your Bed

social network on the face of Inter-Earth that will let you forget it. Do yourselves a favor on Valentine’s Day: Deactivate everything. Because if you don’t feel miserable already, Twitbook-intrest will make goddamn sure you do.

I love you, no, I HATE YOU! I LOVE YOU, BABY! see page 5

we want everyone to get some this Valentine’s Day. Here’s how.

The Bi-Polar Relationship That is VT Sports

Beginner’s Guide to a Successful V-Day Date

see page 12

Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>> PAGE 7 >>> page 10 >>> page 11 >>> PAGE 13 >>>

The Top Ten

Valentine’s Day Gifts for Your Ex

contents 7

Hey, Engineers! Here’s How to Land A Girl

Well, graduating and making a shitload of money sure will help.

The Taco Bell Challenge

win or lose, you still get to eat taco bell.

Oscar Baiting

we get all hot and bothered thinking about these best picture nominees as pornos.

Bartender of the Issue

Nate from Bulls and Bones would rather be laying back at Patty’s Pub. .

@BlackSheep_VT The Black Sheep at Virginia Tech

page three

pic of the week >>> want to win

a very harold and kumar christmas

on dvd?

Obviously, right?

sorry bro #thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren’t invited to a party in your own house...

Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.

sexy anagrams >>>

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes! word of the week >>> herfuffle

Breast Icky El

A Snare Enjoys Rhythm

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.

How to Get this Rando

out of your Bed Sloane Peterson wrote this

We’ve all been through a lot in the past year. We go out, we make new friends, and then forget them by the time we wake up the next morning. Drunken friends can come and go, but drunken hookups absolutely need to come and go. Bringing home the guy that handed out cups was one of your best ideas ever, except that it’s now 4 a.m. Not to mention that if, God forbid, he wakes up next to you, he will undoubtedly worm his way into your D2 brunch plans and you’ll have to pretend like you don’t have to shit the whole time you’re sitting there. This guy needs to get out of your apartment before your roommates wake up and recognize him from their women studies class. Here’s how to get this dude out. Night terrors: As soon as you “fall asleep,” you need to start stirring. Just a little bit at first, but you’re going to want to graduate to full-on thrashing before too long, because he might be one of those freaks that sleeps through everything. Having your arms flop around and accidentally hit him in the face is a great appetizer, but the main course really just needs to be violent kicking, because that’s how you’re going to be able to get enough force to actually remove him from the bed. Imaginary early-morning obligation: You’ve heard the phrase “stranger than fiction,” so your fake early morning obligation needs to be such a giant lie that no one could ever make it up. Except you. There’s no way for him to know that you don’t actually work at the local funeral home and that you need to be there at 5 a.m. to polish coffins or something. Serious talk: One way to make sure your boy won’t be there in the morning is to provide a strong negative incentive. One of the best ways to do this is to lay the foundation for a heavy conversation about your future together and what his schedule looks like the next time your parents are in town. Just after you get to the part about how you need a date to your brother’s wedding six months from now, tell him you’re too tired to continue the conversation, but you’ll be sure email him an itinerary tomorrow

when you work out all the kinks. Imaginary boyfriend: Tell him you have a redneck townie boyfriend who works the night shift at Bojangles’ and will be sure to arrive home at 5 a.m. It may be helpful to keep an extra-large flannel shirt with the sleeves ripped off lying over your desk chair as a convincing prop. Vomiting: Any self-respecting Hokie girl can pull the trigger like a champ, and now’s the time to get your puke on. Vomiting is a pretty disgusting thing to have to listen to, so that alone might get him to leave, but if you get the feeling he wants to stay and help you, make him regret it. Tell him your slob of a roommate never cleans the bathroom even though it’s her job and ask him if he’d be so kind as to scrub the toilet for you before you have to stick your head in there, since you’re a total germaphobe and all. Clean Freak: Tell him you need to wash the sheets immediately after sex because you won’t be able to sleep there if they’re not clean and then convince him to pass out in a recliner while the sheets are in the wash so he can’t snuggle up with you. Quoteth the Poet: Pull that famous move from your favorite movie, Wedding Crashers — thank him for making your first time so special. Go on to tell him how wrong your roommates were to tell you to wait to have sex until you were “ready” and most importantly, in a relationship. Because now you know it’s a great way to force someone to be in a relationship with you. Tell him how happy you are to finally be “pre-engaged” to someone, now that he’s swiped your V-card. Some of these options may seem cruel, but remember, this guy isn’t looking for commitment either. If all the above fail, it’s time to break out the nuclear arsenal, five little words no man wants to hear, “God, I hope I’m pregnant.”

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The Bi-Polar Relationship That Is VT Sports ty wrote this Everyone in Blacksburg loves Virginia Tech sports. Let me posit for a second that if you, in fact, don’t love Virginia Tech sports, this article is not for you. This is not your part of the magazine.

9. Mix tape The mix tape has been an iconic relationship symbol for generations. Make a master mix of breakup songs like How Do You Sleep by John Lennon or Heartless by Kanye to remind your ex that you’ve got ninety-nine problems but that bitch ain’t one of them anymore.

Those are all signs of a passionate relationship! You should be able to recognize that unless you’re one of those “forever alone” people. In which case, this article is not for you either. Go back to Reddit, you cave dwellers!

Virginia Tech sports is one fun relationship you have with spontaneous people, you have no idea what the hell is going to happen each day! Example: One day you might love Virginia Tech football for crushing the frou-frou dressing, Zima drinking Frenchmen at UVA. 38-0, I might add. That’s all well and good! That’s the equivalent of your guy giving you back-to-back-to-back orgasms! It’s beyond amazing! The next week we go and get smacked around for three and a half hours by Clemson in the ACC Championship. Again, this is like a relationship. That wild guy you’re trying to tame may have the ability to give you multiple orgasms, but you are also reminded that he can just as easily give you crabs. That’s a hell of a tradeoff. Sometimes it might not seem worth it, but we just keep coming back for more. The football I mean, not the crabs. To reword a line from a movie that I most certainly haven’t seen, “I just can’t quit you, Virginia Tech sports.”

Valentine’s Day Gifts for Your Ex 10. Personalized M&Ms Chocolate candy is the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Now that M&Ms makes customized candy, you can send your ex a bag of sweet treats with a picture of you and your new boo, complete it with a personal message.

Anyway, if you love Virginia Tech sports like I do, you know how much it feels like a relationship. Don’t believe me? Think about the faith you have to the team, or even the VT logo. Think about how happy the football team makes you feel when they win, and the earth-shattering heartbreak you feel in your chest when they lose.

I keep getting derailed here; let me regroup.

the top ten

And with football season an agonizing seven months away, now is the time to remember Virginia Tech basketball is another perfect example of this trope I’m working really hard to prove.

8. A full inbox Give your ex the gift of mass emails, pointless chain messages, newsletters, and listserv emails. Every time someone asks for your email address, give your ex’s. Signing him up for dozens of email blasts is a gift that just keeps giving.

The Hokie hoops squad has nothing going for it this season. There have been a ton of close losses and we stink in ACC play. It’s a terrible time to be a Virginia Tech basketball fan! That is until we travel to UVA and upset the #17 Cavaliers on their own court. Are you sensing a theme here?

7. Presents for someone else Send Valentine’s gifts to other people from your ex. Give their grandma a vibrator, their dad a penis enlargement supplement, and their mother the transcripts from all those dirty texts your ex used to send you, all with your ex’s name on it.

At the end of the day, Virginia Tech manages to give us something to cheer about. It also helps that we’re almost perpetually better than UVA. Sure, it’s like feeling good about you and your boo when looking at a bad relationship between two uggos, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t just kick 100 types of ass.

6. Flaming bag of poo Channel your inner child and leave this little gift on their front porch. It’s a timeless classic and really gets the point across. Nothing says “screw you” like smoldering shit on the bottom of your ex’s shoe while they try to stomp out the flames.

If Valentines Day gets you down and our teams aren’t doing well, just look forward to our next big win, upset, or ACC Title. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always my failsafe method of feeling better. Crack open a nice cold beer; take a look at the clock and remember that whatever time it is, UVA still sucks.

5. Religious Intervention Worried about your ex’s eternal soul? Contact all your local religious groups and give them your ex’s contact as a person requesting more information. This would also work if you gave your ex’s phone number to the Jehovah’s Witnesses next time they knock on your door.

Got the entrepreneurial bug? Check out Blacksburg’s Premiere Coworking Community

4. The box of their shit that you still have It’s been sitting in your closet for months since you guys broke up. Spiral notebooks with half-assed accounting notes, extra phone charger, stray sock, CamelBack, and that movie you hate but always had to watch because it was their favorite. Pull it out from the back of your closet, brush the dust off, and leave that crap on their porch. Except those really nice headphones they left behind. Keep those. 3. Handmade voodoo doll Aren’t people always claiming that handmade gifts mean the most? Make a custom voodoo doll for your ex. Make it from their favorite t-shirt that they left in that box of shit for a little extra sentimental value. Then attach it to their front door with a nail right in the sweet spot. 2. Craigslist ad Make sure your ex doesn’t feel lonely on Valentine’s Day by posting their number on Craigslist on an ad selling Justin Beiber concert tickets for dirt-cheap. Excited middle school girls will be blowing up their phone all day long. Also works with a personal ad on the “Missed Connections” page with a vague and generic description.

Wi-Fi Conference Rooms Ping-Pong Table

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1. Crabs Thanks to the invention of online shopping, you can now go online and buy crabs. And not the kind that come steamed on a plate with a side of melted butter. Like actual pubic lice. Yeah, you read that right. Thanks to the masterminds behind crabrevenge.com, you can buy a vial of crabs and serve itchy justice to whoever has wronged you. Because of legal reasons their website can’t actually say what it is that they sell, but the message is pretty clear.

Emma Rogers wrote this

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SHOUT OUTS! To the DJ spinning at the house party on Friday: You can’t clap along to every song and you need to lay down some beats that make people want to dance not have a seizure. And the song SHOUT is a horrible choice to end the night... you are the worst! To Blaise, Idk if your gay, but after grinding me on the dance floor and begging to come back to my apartment with me, I was expecting a little more then what happened...and that wasn’t my name you shouted, which concerned me… Nicole!!!! Is it still stiletto night if there’s rain coming down like kray kray? Dear neighbor two doors down from me, I don’t understand what’s so fun about throwing phone books in the hallway, and why it causes you to yell. Catherine, I don’t think calling our professor out on her feminist remarks is going to stop her from being a feminist, but you can sure try…and fail… Dear milk, why do you always leave when it’s time to hang out with cereal? Cereal and OJ just aren’t the same… Matt, were you seriously holding hands with Megan while ON the treadmill? Come on! Mike and Jeff! I don’t remember the name of the game, but it ended with one of you getting your ear pierced and it was awesome! Let’s play again! To my neighbor who seems to think I can’t hear the porn through the walls...you’re wrong. And you like really weird stuff. Was that a Grandma talking the other night? -508

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline. com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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hey, Engineers! here’s How to Land a Girl sam wrote this It’s Valentine’s Day, and some of you engineers out there may have been hearing a lot about these so-called “girls.” Where are they? They’re definitely not in your engineering classes. You might have heard one over Xbox Live, but they never did respond to that message you sent asking them out. Fret not though, there’s good news! An article in a previous issue of The Black Sheep claims that women should try to land an engineer. That’s you! Put on your wizard hats and cloaks, now it’s time for you to learn how to respond to their advances. The first thing to remember is to have confidence, and confidence comes in the form of clothes. These girls are busy betches, and when they see a sea of nerdom, you have to stick out from the engineering masses. Put away the cargo pants and grab some basketball shorts to show them that out of all of the engineers, you’re the biggest baller of the bunch. She’ll think you’re Dwight Howard or something. Not all girls want a star like that, so you could show off your down-to-earth side by wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. Some will think that shows a lack of pride in your appearance, but a finely-trimmed neck beard should dissuade the critics, and show the women you so desperately crave that you mean business. When the women are on the prowl in Torg Bridge around Valentine’s looking for a man with a Fujitsu tablet and a guaranteed six figure yearly salary, you’ll be the star of the show. These girls probably listen to different music than you, and it might not be music you understand at first(An entire city of

racks, you say? Impossible!). Bummer, but you’re going to have to listen to the songs of their people. They’ll be impressed that you cared enough about them to learn about what kind of music they listen to. Use their admiration to your advantage. Let’s say your first meeting was a success and you’re at the movies with a girl. If things seem to be going well, just lean over and whisper “I love it when you call me big poppa,” and witness the dramatic results! As a fallback you can always play the guitar. Forget classics like “Wonderwall” and “Good Riddance,” once you start playing “Raining Blood” by Slayer she’ll be speechless. By this point things should be going well, but always remind her why she wants you: you’re an engineer! Be sure to emphasize this by constantly hammering home how inferior her major is. You’re a Chemical Engineer; don’t let some English major tell you what to do. If she gives you any backtalk about not wanting to watch you play Skyrim for ten hours straight, just tell her to make you a sandwich or check your lab writeup for punctuation errors. She’ll be impressed by your assertiveness up until the point she never talks to you again. Her loss though, she’ll never get to you know you for the unique snowflake that you are. Things may look bleak at this point. Your romantic adventure took an arrow to the knee, but just consider it a temporary setback. With the amount of money you’re going to be making, someone else will come along sooner rather than later.

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FRIDAY: Live Music! The Secret B-Sides (2/10) Funk Punch (2/17)

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Beat The Black Sheep:

The Taco Bell Challenge

Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan

The Challenge

How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?

TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.

TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.

The Prediction

I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed

The Retroactive Diary

Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can.

Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a coworker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.

Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)

time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds

Are You In?

Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.

The Aftermath

Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.

Don’t Believe Us?

Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.

the entertainment page

oscar-baiting

On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.

The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!

The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.

The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a prim-and-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.

cd review

out now

of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers. Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood. Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something. Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs, and one

GRADE B-

of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay. This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick. Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming. Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.

UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home

Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions

The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void

Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a down-andout urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot. Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.

Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen. The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultraslow motion. Run time: 6 hours. War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.

Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune

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A Beginner’s Guide

to a successful Valentine’s Day Date Danielle Lewis wrote this Romantic comedies and every Taylor Swift song ever have led a fairly generous amount of women out there to admire Valentine’s Day as an unbearably romantic 24-hour event brimming with lacy red lingerie (that only costs $129.95!), 4,000 calorie boxes of chocolate, immaculately arranged flower bouquets, and hopefully a Prince Sort-Of-Charming. The reality of Valentine’s Day in Blacksburg, or anywhere for that matter, is wildly different. It’s more akin to ‘$5 off any entrée’ coupons and awkwardly buying edible lube in a supermarket self-checkout. This infamous holiday, drenched in sappy greeting cards and strawberry-scented condoms, is not for the faint of heart; mushyhearted lovers and desperate wanna-be players alike should take any advice they can get. First, it’s all about planning, so make sure you have an exit strategy firmly in place before you set foot on a date. Cupid’s day of hardcore Facebook stalking falls on a Tuesday this year, so take comfort in the fact that if your date turns out even a little bit like an episode of The Biggest Loser you can quickly drop the “I have an exam at 8 a.m. tomorrow!” bomb to make a quick and easy getaway. Also remember that if you’re on a date with your significant other of many months (ew, vom) or a rando you met last weekend, pregaming is not only encouraged, it’s practically mandatory. Not only will some liquid courage loosen you up a bit, perhaps it will later do the same for the piece of spinach stuck in your date’s teeth…but seriously. While unspoken societal rules unfortunately assume that the guy is expected to cover dinner

(extra points if he springs for a teddy bear holding a heart that displays an impersonal message and some sort of confectionery treat), the girl should reciprocate by wearing a low-cut dress that displays at least ¾ of her breasts. As they say ladies, make sure to dress for success. A guy’s appearance is a whole other animal. I’m talking plaid fedoras and magenta ties covered in miniature hearts, meant to sweep that potential bang buddy right off their feet. And there is literally no better time to flaunt your authentic 1850s monocle, either – there will inevitably be photographic evidence of this event, even if it’s just your date stealthily taking pictures of you so she can text them to her best friend. And for girls, really anything you own besides leggings and your North Face will be perfect. It’s also important to make sure you take the time to truly get to know your date. Guys, pay this chick a compliment! Tell her how much you like her earlobes and her half-purse, half-giant tote bag thing. Girls, I highly suggest inviting your date back to your apartment after dinner to thank him. After all, he has saved you from festering all alone in your apartment watching Glee in your PINK sweatpants (that most likely are a different color than pink.). I’m thinking some light and sensual Backstreet Boys in the background is all you’ll need to seal the deal. If it all comes together you’ll be able to wake up the next morning in the warm embrace of another human being. As you slowly open your eyes and crack a morning breath-laden yawn, you’ll know that your Valentine’s Day date was a huge success. All that’s left is asking one simple question, “What are you still doing here?”

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Bartenderof the Issue

Nate Norman bulls and bones

Sign: Taurus Relationship Status: Taken Favorite fictional bar? Patty’s Pub from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

What is the funniest thing you’ve seen at work? I’ve seen someone get their tongue stuck on the ice rail. It’s happened several times actually. I guess they were inspired by A Christmas Story.

What is a talent you have that most people don’t know about? I’m a hardcore computer gamer. I am What was the best tip you’ve ever gotten? I always into RTS RPGs get the best tips from other bartenders or people in the service industry. They know what it’s like to How long did it take to break your New Year’s depend on tips resolutions? My New Years’ resolution was to get in shape…but I haven’t really done a lot with it. What is your favorite hangover cure? Water and Aleve. I like a good burger and fries, too Do you have any tattoos? No. I’ve had ideas for tattoos, but I’ve never been able to decide on What was your sloppiest night at a bar? My 21st. I something that I’d want for the rest of my life. got pretty wasted. I went out at midnight and had lots of drinks, and then I don’t remember the rest. What advice would you give a first-time bar-goer? I woke up naked the next morning. At least I was in Tip well. If you tip consistently, you’ll get better my own bed. service and a stronger drink. What bartender superlative would you receive? Most laid back

Giving it to the Face since 1995

recipe for disaster:

Hummus

A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war. What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it. Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation. - Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment. - Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic). - Pour lemon juice into blender. - Add salt as necessary. - Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross). - If necessary, stop blender to scrape the sides. - Spoon into a serving dish. - Scoop into your face with pita bread. - Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day. Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.

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seek and find

Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain’t your mama’s messy dorm room, so good luck, bro. Send us an email at games@theblacksheeponline.com showing us or telling us where everything is, and we may just give you some lovin’.

the crossword: animal mascots 5

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A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 7 6 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S

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Down answers >> The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly BCR Real Estate (Rack) calledPamplin this. EMPO Hall This Linux Parking7Garage Paynepenguin is dressed for Staircasesa formal Randolph event. Burruss Hall Tunnel Shultz Dining Centre So there you are, sitting in class (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think 8 He's Squires a tired mascot, but not as (Rack) Student tocavemen. yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about Dietrick (Rack) Centre (Rack) damn tired as those Derring Hall Smith Career Serhow much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to UVA is now the biggest 9 This tall toy pusher can reach GLC vices the top shelf Legos. in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or douchebag Hancock Hall Torgerson Hallof the Hanh North TORG BRIDGE 10 (Rack) Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 to market our awesome mobile apps and our website? Or you want to maybe you want Johnston Student University Bookstore throw parties? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now! Centre Words) War Memorial McComas + INSIDE OFlicks DX 14HallHow many does it take him Schiffert Health McBryde to the Centre to getTorg Bus stopcenter of your Newman Library Deets mom? (2 Words) (Rack) All Greek Houses hawked a 15 These animals Owens Food Court and MORE! 3-syllable beer. 1

oh the places we are... Find Us At...

Lounge DP Dough Lefty’s Main Street Sake House Grille Jimmy Johns TechPad Starbucks Cabo Fish Taco Hokie House Castle’s Kettle & The Cellar Pub Benny Marzano’s Sharkey’s CMG Real Estate Big Al’s Tech Bookstore Firehouse Subs (across from Cabo) Top of the Stairs Starbucks Joe’s Diner El Rods

DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

Disclaimer

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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the clues Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)

Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

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