VT - 3/15/12 - v02i04 by The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 4 3/15/12 - 4/5/12

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back in my day... liz mcdonald wrote this

Normally I freaking hate it when someone tries to pull that “you don’t know how good you have it” bullshit. Okay yeah, so I grew up with an iPod and indoor plumbing, but how bad could crapping in the woods really have been? Yet now as I prepare to leave behind my VT legacy (wait, what?) I find myself saying the same stupid nonsense to my freshman brother. Back in my day… Getting stuck in the AJ dorms was like a fast-track ticket to Herpesville. Everyone stayed there during orientation, and everyone died a little on the inside and before begging mom and pop to let them share that hotel room. The rooms were like hotboxes – small, gross, and built around some of the weirdest examples of public bathrooms I’ve ever seen. Not to mention that place was like the freaking labyrinth, you try finding your friend in room #4938029840293. And now? The building is outfitted like some kind of mountain version of Club Med. Granite countertops, space, kitchens, and theaters…kids these days forget the real reason shower shoes existed! No, we didn’t care about our carpeted floors getting wet, we were trying to keep the STDs out of our toenails. Rumor has it there are a bunch of Eastern European guys named Sven who give free massages to the female residents. Ok, I made that up, but you get my bitter picture. And how about McComas? A few years ago, both of the campus gyms were outfit with some shitty weight room equipment and some truly ghetto treadmills. Oh, and they both reeked of sweaty nuts…all day. Now there’s 200 times the cardio equipment, and get this, there are TELEVISIONS attached to most of them! I’m much more likely to try and undo my fatass tendencies when I can watch SVU-esday marathons! Back in 2008, if you had any plans of working out, you had to spend two hours convincing yourself to actually walk there, an hour waiting for some sweaty, dumb bitch to get off

Other stuff

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the treadmill, and by then you were so mentally exhausted that Hokie planks at West End were a much better alternative. Now…people...work...out? One change that I’m particularly upset about is the renovation of DX. I’m pretty positive that the only times I was in DX freshman year, I was completely obliterated. And so was everyone else in there. It was similar to a shitty truck stop – people stumbled in, expelled some bodily fluids one way or another, then stuffed their faces with fried food and got the fuck out of there. I mean, you’re not going to eat corn dog nuggets in a place where you actually feel like dignity is necessary. This year, in a fit of tequila-fueled nostalgia, I stumbled from downtown back to the old stomping ground in search of my battered pork bits, and when I reached my destination I was awestruck. The old pig-sty had…flat screen televisions? Carpets? Booth seating? There were people in

Leggings still aren’t pants, no matter how badly you want them to be.

There are a ton of other things I could harp on about…whoever this “Hahn” guy is didn’t used to own the entire campus back in the day, the buildings actually had their own names. We had a commuter parking lot with (almost) enough spaces for the students. And bus routes that had names completely unrelated to where they were heading. I’m sure I’ll come back as an alum and be even more hateful towards the changes ahead: the dining hall with everything, the new fancy-ass engineering building that will probably have working Wi-Fi… but for now, I’m content with just being a crotchety old senior.

Uhh... seriously though. see page 5

see page 4

Spring For a New Wardrobe

there STUDYING. People who probably hadn’t consumed alcohol in their lives, let alone in the past 25 minutes. I grabbed my drunk food of shame, sat out at the picnic table, and cried into the mac and cheese. They had removed my temple! Yeah, I’m still bitter.

Where Did I Park My Car?

Hey Zuck! You Suck! see page 12

An Open Letter to Mark Zuckerberg

Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>>

The Top Ten

PAGE 7 >>>

“One Day Without Shirts” - Taking Toms Shows A Step Farther

Ten-Minute Prep to a Less-Awkward Morning

contents 5

Probably the greatest idea anyone has ever had ever.

page 10 >>> Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore

Probably the greatest idea for a television show anyone has ever had ever.

page 11 >>> We Interview Maps & Atlases

These chicago rockers never got lost on tour.

PAGE 13 >>> Shit Professors DO

Professors, can’t live with them, can’t break that glass ceiling without them. .

@BlackSheep_VT The Black Sheep at Virginia Tech

page three

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word of the week >>> Egregarious

Parade Tuna Rigid

Dryad Cod Ink

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Definition: The act of being funny and affable to the point of awkwardness. Samantha had to break up with Julian because of his egregarious nature. The final straw was when he fondled Jessica’s breast because Jessica playfully asked him to.

spring for a new wardrobe, i’m begging you danielle lewis wrote this Now that spring is almost officially here, it’s time to kick some tired and overall horrific winter trends to the curb, just like the daily stack of flyers you unwillingly collect while trying to cross the Drillfield. And I don’t mean “I’m giving up carbs for Lent” style, I mean for good. There was once a dwindling glimmer of hope deep down telling me that all you betches out there would finally ditch your North Face jackets and black leggings without any prodding, but clearly a giant shove in the right direction is desperately needed. Even after a whole winter of the confusing contradictory combo - I still don’t understand why wearing leggings that show off the booty for the boys and a dumpy fleece that screams out “I’m trying everything I can not to be sexy” - ever seemed like an idea of more than Snooki-level intelligence. Last time I checked, Nike and Under Armour designed black leggings so in-shape bitties could workout in cold weather conditions, not so misinformed betches could wear them as regular pants while sitting on their ass working on their stomach pooch. It’s time to put the washed up look to rest, right down next to faux fur and anything metallic.I can only hope that leggings paired with oversized crop tops and last summer’s scuffed-up gladiator sandals don’t become the next disastrous style to hit the spring fashion scene, but in the meantime I’m here to

stress that there are in fact other clothing options that aren’t made of thin and stretchy synthetic lycra. For example, try a cardigan, a jean jacket, or the arms of your sugar daddy! Spring should be a time for flowing sundresses, pretty tops, and classy accessories, and if you can’t kick the legging habit just do us all a favor and go naked instead. While I do find brown leather riding boots a million times more attractive and stylish than last year’s Ugg boot trend, I think it’s time for all the little jockeys on campus to hit the hay.And I’m still not entirely sure, but I assume there was a recent casting call for a production of Avatar considering how many trashy applique feathers I have seen ruining perfectly acceptable hairstyles. The bright side is that the gaggle of mindless girls paying money to have cheap craft paraphernalia embedded into their hair are lowering the bar significantly for all the gals pursuing their Mrs. Degree here at Tech. Nothing says spring like pretty pastels, so I think we should all agree to do without neon and fluorescent clothing altogether, including the pee-my-pants yellows, watermelon punch-tothe-face greens, and super blinding Barbie pinks that seem to be all the rage. Despite popular belief, it is possible to read whatever stupid mantra or quote you have on your t-shirt if you opt for a fabric in a color that can be found on the natural spectrum, not one that appears to be tripping on acid.

The vibrant highlighter colors may attract attention, but not in a good way. Just like the whole Kony 2012 viral Facebook status-posting extravaganza, it’s time to let go of these downright awful trends and finally let them pass along with winter. Once summer hits it becomes socially acceptable to adopt a bikini as your only article of clothing, so until then I trust (sort of) that we can all agree to put our best fashion foot forward.

the top ten

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Where The Hell Do I Park My Car?

Ten-Minute Prep to a Less-Awkward Morning

sam morgan wrote this

As a friend found out last weekend — waking up in the back of a service van parked behind Main Street is not an ideal way for a vigorous, albeit hungover, young student to start his Saturday afternoon. Taking ten minutes to follow the steps below (before you go out) may be just what you need to help reduce your amount of awkward, unplanned mornings.

Since the dawn of edible food people have wanted a dining hall on the academic side of campus. This fall, Virginia Tech has finally granted their wish. There’s a walk up window, a Japanese steakhouse, and a Jamba Juice all on the side of campus that needed it most. This is the kind of construction that Virginia Tech needs. Having realized that, their next construction move was to tear up the Cage and then replace half of the commuter lot with an engineering building. Huh? According to the National Institute of Where the Hell am I Supposed to Park Without Getting Towed? Virginia Tech seriously needs more parking. A similar report from the University of No Shit, Really? says that removing parking spots doesn’t solve that problem. But where would a new lot go? The Drillfield is a wide open space close to campus, but if we pave the Drillfield then class office and homecoming candidates won’t have a place to play LMFAO and bother people. They’d more than likely get desperate and may even follow you home with pamphlets. Parking on the Drillfield isn’t an option, but right now neither is parking near it. Parking garages might be one way to stop the pain. They’ve already been put up in a few spots around campus, but only to replace existing lots. That doesn’t add many new spots, so it’s time to break the cycle. Build more garages. Cassell lot? Needs a garage. Squires? Garage. If it can physically handle a garage, it should have one. This seems like it should work, but think of the execution: new parking garage by the commuter lot, commuter lot gets replaced by an engineering building. Let’s say that many garages actually get built. With our luck, the Cage would probably turn into a giant agriculture research center, and it could very well be the end of game day parking too. Hey, if you want to tailgate inside in the dark when it’s

10) Reflect: Think back on your mistakes, what can you remember? Did you take that three Irish Car Bomb challenge in less than a minute? Perhaps you chose to pregame with a liquor bong? Whatever you may have done, spend your ten-minute window attempting to learn from your mistakes. Although these things all seemed like good ideas at the time, that $13 Fatty Mug of liquor from Hokie House might explain how you woke up naked on Roanoke Street. sunny outside – go for it. Right about now, you’re probably starting to feel trapped. Owning a car seems to put half of your money straight into the hands of Valley Towing and Parking Services instead of the liquor stores and hookah bars that positively stimulated our local economy. If you can’t fix the parking, you figure you’ll get rid of your car. “It’ll be fine,” you reassure yourself. After all, there are buses, right? That’s when it starts to go downhill. You’re walking back from Kroger in the rain from the bus stop to your apartment. Even when it’s sunny out, you’ll still get shit from people for taking the bus (“FRESHMAN!”). When you’re taking the bus to NoVA on break and the kid in front of you has his seat pushed back into your lap, you’ll know you miss your car. I give, Parking Services. I guess I can’t have my car and drive it too. The only thing that makes me happy about this whole situation is that when my car gets towed, it goes to the kind people at Valley Towing. Park faster, I can hear banjos.

Got the entrepreneurial bug? Check out Blacksburg’s Premiere Coworking Community

9) Check Your Account: If last night proves hard to remember — take a few minutes to check your online bank account. Realizing you spent $80 at three different bars (total amount pending) will help to slow you down on future endeavors. 8) Nap: So you pulled an all-nighter every day this week, it is clearly time to blow off some steam and party. But before you add a gallon of beer to that strict Adderall-coffee-cigarette diet (what a winning formula), use your ten minutes to sleep. Seriously, it’s horrifying, that crazy, eyesglazed-over look you get when your celebration night turns you into a drunk, sleep-deprived zombie. It’s called a power nap for a reason, so charge those toasted batteries. 7) Take Notes: If you’re a hopeless case no matter what you do, at least be prepared. Ten seconds is all it takes to find a Sharpie. Write your buddy’s phone number or address on your arm/hand/forehead/whatever. A simple “Return to 123 Pheasant Run Ct.” or “If found, please call 540555-3810” and a little faith in your peers will go a long way. 6) Plan For the Sleepover: Along with your new phone number tat, be smart about your awkward mornings. Girls, it’s gonna be a lot easier for you to carry around a morning-after outfit so your walk of shame isn’t so shameful, so do it. Guys, you don’t really get an option here… so buck up. 5) Find a Way Home: Since that whole drinking and driving thing has proven to be a terrible idea, why not take a few minutes before the night begins to plan a ride home? Could be calling the hooptie, could be winning a bet and making your roommate promise to piggy-back your drunk ass from the bar to your couch. 4) Buy Alcohol: Only you have the power to decide what kind of night it’ll be. Beer makes you a little more predictable? Go for it. Jagermeister equals a happy drunk? Why not. Just the smell of Bacardi 101 makes you want to vomit? Probably a bad idea. 3) Reduce and Conceal: If your account is low and you choose to buy alcohol before you go downtown, go ahead and leave the credit cards, debit cards or wads of cash at home. Pregame per usual and pack whatever you plan to drink with you. Get creative. Ladies, throw a few water bottles of liquor or a 6-pack of beers in a big purse. Fellas, you know how to hide a flask on yourself. 2) Buddy System: This one typically only works if A) You have friends and B) They’re not douchebags. Adopt the “leave no man/woman behind … unless absolutely necessary” policy and you should be set to wake up at home, or at least on a friend’s couch, no matter how crazy things get.

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1) Get in the Zone: It’s the weekend, man. You only get a few days to live it up, so get in the mood for a good night on the town. Don’t just chug your pregame beers, power chug them to blaring riffs of AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell”, or Lil’ Wayne’s pre-jail mixtapes. Setting the tone for your night will certainly help to send you off into the night on the right track.

sophia p wrote this

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“One Day Without Shirts” Taking Toms Shoes a Step Farther gwen wrote this

It’s the same old story. You’re at a party checking out a girl. You wish her clothes were more revealing…of her character. Sure, she’s nice. But,is she willing to give? Toms Shoes, the most charitable for-profit organization, has the answer. Toms Shoes has the dream business. They sell you half the stuff for twice the price. Then, once a year, they allocate a day in which you don’t use their product at all! The shoes themselves are some sort of unholy mutation of your grandfather’s old loafers and those recyclable shopping bags. But, they are more than shoes. Toms Shoes are a message. Toms Shoes has been successful in part because it adapted its business model from one of the most successful organizations of all time: the Catholic Church. Both TS and the CC are fueled by guilt. “Guilt tax” is extra money paid by overprivileged people who feel bad about all the suffering in the world, but not bad enough to actually do something about it. The Toms logo reassures the world that you have paid your debt for that Gucci handbag, and some kid in Africatistan or wherevs gets new shoes. Once a year, just to show that we are super serial, we kick the suffering into high gear. Catholics have Lent. Toms Shoes have “One Day Without Shoes.” On April 10, college students everywhere will get their feet a little dirty in order to really feel what it is like to be a barefoot child in a third world country. Our naïve classmates, compelled by our fungal odor and MotherTheresa-esque glow will ask, “What the hell are you doing, dude?” “Ah,” You will say, serenely. “I gave away my shoes to poor, barefoot children. Well, I still bought a pair. And, like, they’re at home next to my club shoes but

this is to raise awareness for, like, barefoot kids. Well, not the ones I gave my shoes to…but the other ones.” Still, a shoeless person on a college campus could be mistaken for a walk of shame victim, or just one Jamaican clam bake away from remembering where he put his moccasins. It is time to expand upon the good work of Toms Shoes. Think back to every commercial for charity you’ve seen on your 52” flat screen. The poor children featured on TV don’t have shirts or North Face jackets. How are they going to get into an Olive Garden looking like that? Every poor child’s bare chest is like a blank slate for our brand names. It is a landfill in which to put our first world guilt so that we can cover it up and let the future generations worry about the consequences. This is why April 10th should be the first annual “Day Without Shirts” for the children. Perhaps we can strike a deal with the Chinese factory that makes Toms Shoes and have them make equally uncomfortable and unappealing shirts for donation and personal moral confirmation. Then, we shed them as a statement against children not having uncomfortable shirts. Going “Topless for Tots” is a surefire solution toward awareness and action for these poor children. It’s like Mardi Gras, but for a purpose! Sorority girls can paint their letters on their (completely real) bonbons with pride. Men can shave their chest hair in the shape of the child they are saving from half nakedness. Finally, we can all be proud of the difference we made in these poor children’s lives. Because no child should have to look at his Toms Shoes in the mirror and ask, “Do these match my areolas?”

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Bollo’s Café & Bakery

206 Draper Rd, 540-953-1669 www.bolloscafe.com

SPECIAL NIGHT

Sun-Thurs (2pm - 9pm) $2 Domestic Bottles Soda Highballs $2 Single $4 Double Juice Highballs $2.25 Single $4.50 Double Daily Lunch Specials 11:30-3

THURS

Thirsty Thursday: $1 Off Margaritas $1 Off Select Tequila $2.25 Mexican Beer $8.25 Caribbean Quesadilla $6.95 Shrimp Tacos

FRI

$6.95 Fish Tacos $6.95 Chicken Tacos $7.25 Diablo Shrimp Salad Avocado Chicken Wrap

Blacksburg is Going Irish! Castle’s Kettle & Pub is Opening Soon!

Check out our website! castleskettleandpub.com

SATURDAY: Bollo’s: Mediterranean Garbanzo Bread & Rolls Check out our Gluten Free Items! Gillie’s: Live Music 7-9pm

Bollo’s: Danish!, Walnut Raisin Bread & Rolls, Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins Gillie’s: Live Music 7-9pm Bollo’s: Cinnamon Rolls

Join the Kettle Club!

Gillie’s: Late Night Music 9:30pm Bollo’s: Mediterranean Garbanzo Bread & Rolls Check out our Gluten Free Items! Gillie’s: Live Music 7-9pm

Try our dessert! Cinna-pitas $1.50

$1 16oz PBR Cans Erry Day!

8” Deli Sub, Chips, and a Drink Only $5.99 + tax. Add fries for $1

Think Thin Thurs: $1 All Light Beers Thick Burger Thursday: $5.75 Featured Burger from the menu, chips, drink and a cookie

2 Pita Wraps, French Fries, 2 Fountain Drinks for $13.99

Philly Friday: $5.75 12” Philly, drink, chips, and a cookie Five Dollar Friday: All pitchers $5.00

Help Souvlaki Celebrate our 30th Anniversary in April!

Et tu, brute? Oops wrong day... Come in and get Reuben anyway!

Sucka-Free Sunday No specials, we just don’t want any suckas coming in

SAT

Check out our website: cabofishtaco.com

SUN

Sit ‘n Sip Sundays $1 Off Margaritas $1 Off Select Tequila $2.25 Mexican Beer

Join the Mug Club...now!

Bollo’s: Cinnamon Rolls

MON

Margarita Monday: $1 Off Margaritas $7.95 BBQ Mahi Tacos $7.95 Epic Tuna $8.25 Soup & Large Salad

Looking for a job? We’re hiring! Work at the newest place in town!

Bollo’s: Vegan Pumpkin Choc. Chip Muffins

Military, Police, Fire, Rescue, etc. 10% Off

Meatball Monday $5.75 for a 12” Meatball, Drink, Chips and Cookie

TUES

Tequila Tuesday: $1 Off Select tequila $6.95 Soup and Any Taco $7.50 Blackened Mahi Tacos $2 A la carte Fish or Chicken Taco

Check out the Horseshoe Club...you won’t regret it!

Bollo’s: Eclairs, Walnut Raisin Bread & Rolls

Teacher Tuesday Teacher and Faculty 10% Off

Tugboat Tuesday: $5.75 for a 12” Tugboat-BBQ, mac n’ cheese, cheddar and a splash of mayo with a drink, chips, and a cookie Two Dollar Tuesday: All beer $2.00

WED

Big Wednesday: $2.25 Mexican Beer $7.50 Tuna Tacos $7.95 Carne Asada Wrap $8.25 Honey Wasabi Tuna

Get ready for the best Shepard’s Pie you’ve ever had...

Bollo’s: International Specialties!

$10.00 T-Shirts: 10% off when you wear your Souvlaki t-shirt

We’re Tired Wednesday: We pick the special... Not the Boss!!

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Bartenderof the Issue

Zach McCoy underground pub ltd.

Nickname: “Big Zach” Sign: Leo Relationship Status: Taken Favorite fictional bar? Cheers. It reminds me of this bar. Liquor or Beer? Bourbon. How long have you been a bartender? About two years. What did you do before? I used to be a teacher. I used to deal with everyone’s kids. Now I do the same thing, but they’re older and drunk.

You know that lyric, “John at the bar What’s an unexpected skill you’ve is a friend of mine?” Yeah. learned from bartending? I have a really great memory now. I guess What is the funniest thing you’ve when you’ve got to remember 15-20 seen at work? I don’t know if I’m orders at once it’s good for the brain. allowed to talk about that… One time we had to go move this girl from How has the job affected your life? behind the bathroom door…she was It’s easier to walk away from people asleep on the floor. mid conversation. I’m so used to doing ten things at once. What advice would you go back and give your 21-year-old self? Tip What bartender superlative would better. If you want bartenders to pay you get? Most people call me “Big attention to you, tip consistently. Zach.” So, “Biggest Zach in Town?” What is your favorite hangover cure? Sleeping.

Have you ever dated a customer? What is the most annoying bar Yeah. I actually met my current song? “Piano Man” by Billy Joel. The girlfriend while I was bartending. I customers play it on the jukebox all try to avoid it, but what can you do? the time. It doesn’t help that there are like three guys here named John.

Giving it to the Face since 1995

Do you have any tattoos? Oh yeah. I have all four of my grandparent’s family shields on my back. I also have two half sleeves. What qualities are important in a good bartender? The ability to manage a room and keep order.

recipe for disaster:

beer and bacon mancakes This gorgeous weather is just a tease, friends. It’s going to get cold out at least once more. And men, we know you’ll have to find ways to prove your manliness once the cold scares your little solider back into his trench. But fret no more. With this hearty breakfast that cover a man’s main three food groups—beer, bacon and pancakes—no one will ever question your manhood. What You’ll Need: Bacon, brown sugar, Bisquick pancake mix, and beer. Lots and lots of beer. Cook Time: You can finish it within one episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Fatty Factor: You may or may not clog an artery or two, but it’ll be well worth the diabetes. Let’s sKILLIT: - Heat oven to 350° and crisp up your bacon. - Sprinkle brown sugar on both sides of bacon and cook until golden brown. - Mix Bisquick, eggs and beer in a bowl until it’s silky smooth. Then add more beer (so what if it’s the morning, nobody’s even awake to judge you). - Crumble your crisp bacon into the mix. - Cook those pannies in your skillet. - Eat up! You’ll immediately throw out cereal, oatmeal, and any other breakfast food that doesn’t give you a full stomach and a morning buzz. You’re welcome.

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Welcome to Keeping Up With The Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore, the show that has your favorite bitches, morons, douchebags and idiots from America’s scummiest reality TV shows! These contestants are vying to win the only truly important prize: their lives! Let’s see what these dolts are made of!

THE CAST: Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio (The Real World) Dani and Gabi Victor (Bad Girls Club) Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola (The Jersey Shore) Kendall Jenner (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)

WEEK 3

Abby Lee Miller (Dance Moms) Soulgee (Ice Loves Coco) Kelly Bensimon (The Real Housewives of New York City) Chumlee Russel (Pawn Stars)

The Challenge:

lEarn a ChorEoGraphED DanCE, To BE pErformED in fronT of a Class of 3rD GraDErs.

The Outcome: Unsurprisingly, Abby Lee Miller leads this challenge, as she convinces the remaining contestants to do a striptease to the Mos Eisley Cantina song from Star Wars: A New Hope. All is going well until Kendall Jenner removes her top, “just like Kim taught her.” Because Jenner is a minor, she gets

WEEK 6 The Outcome: Kendall easily passes as she chats up a high school male about what it’s like seeing Kim Kardashian naked “like, every day.” Chumlee approaches a mentally handicapped person waiting in line to play the demo Playstation 3 at Best Buy. After ten minutes talking they decide that blue is the best

off scot-free, while Miller is arrested for breaking public indecency and child pornography laws. Karmic Death: Wearing only a leotard and eight-inch heels, she’s forced to fight a herd of 25 six-year-olds until she succumbs to their tiny fists of fury. The Challenge: EnGaGE in ConvErsaTion WiTh a ToTal sTranGEr for TEn minuTEs WiThouT TalKinG aBouT yoursElf.

color. Soulgee isn’t so lucky, as he accidentally references himself when discussing the loving relationship Ice-T and Coco have, the one he “tries not to force himself into.” Karmic Death: Suffocation via a gay black man’s nightmare: Coco’s enormous white tits.

WEEK 1 The Outcome: Most of our contestants do well, some surprisingly so. Abby Lee Miller scores a 29, and upon hearing the results lambasts the others for, “Doin’ so shitty cuz your moms didn’t raise ya’ll right.” Pawn Stars legend Chumlee scores a lowly 4 after skipping the English and Reading portions, but is saved when Sammi Sweetheart fails to complete the test in time.

WEEK 4 The Outcome: Used to constructing makeshift dildos on the fly, Soulgee produces a sex toy that judges deem a reasonable facsimile for a spacecraft. The Victor Twins - having never played with Legos before - hastily slap some blocks together, but continue onto the next round after secretly switching their construction with rival Johnny

WEEK 7

WEEK 2

The Challenge: GivE a homElEss pErson $5.

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner cries as she hands over the money, certain that her mom will bestow on her the beating of a lifetime. Chumlee Russel tries to talk the homeless man down before realizing he’s the one trying to give the cash away. In a purely malevolent move, the Victor twins turn their bill into a “Poo Lincoln” before

dropping it in front of a homeless man while walking away. Bensimon fails when she gives her $5 to Soulgee, as she assumes all black people are homeless.

The Challenge: TaKE ThE 'aCT'. She’s busy sobbing on the phone with her mom because Ronni forgot a smiley face emoticon in the text message he sent her wishing her good luck on the test. Karmic Death: Suffocated to death in a gas chamber set to emit a deadly mix of hair spray and spray tanner. LMFAO’s “Shots” plays at her wake.

WEEK 5

The Challenge: BuilD a spaCEship ouT of lEGos. Bananas. Bananas calls their deceit, but producers refuse to believe him, citing his frivolous lawsuit against the producers of Entourage as a reason not to believe him. Karmic Death: Devenanzio is forced to hang out with Kevin Dillon until Devenanzio kills himself.

The Outcome: In a moving moment that will forever go down in the annals of reality TV history, Chumlee apologizes to pawn shop owner Rick Harrison for the litany of fuck-ups he’s had since the show’s inception. The Victor twins lose when Gabi apologizes to Dani “for being dad’s favorite,” while Dani apologizes to Gabi “for being

The Challenge:

sinCErEly apoloGizE To an immEDiaTE family mEmBEr or ClosE friEnD you havE WronGED.

dad’s favorite.” A brawl ensues until the producers drag each off set, preparing them for their execution. Karmic Death: From behind a two-way mirror the twins’ parents push a big red button that electrocutes the twins to death. The parents go on to live full, happy lives in their twilight years.

The Challenge:

piTCh a shoW To famED WriTEr/proDuCEr DaviD simon (The Wire, Treme)

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner pitches Simon a show about, “You know, me, and stuff.” Chumlee, struggling to breathe under the weight of his own obesity, tells the writer/producer that he’d, “like to do one’a them shows where them girls come in and give Chumlee them blowjobs, and shit.” Simon attempts to walk off set before his

Karmic Death: The producers drop her off in Harlem dressed as a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. No one attends her funeral.

agent reminds him that this appearance will help provide funding for his critically-acclaimed but little-watched show. Karmic Death: Distraught with the state of modern media, Simon commits a murderdouble-suicide. His final words are, “Let’s see McNulty solve this one.”

While th at expecte didn’t end how d we , it cert better t ainly en han we ded c o uld have Join us n hoped! ex the sma t year as we co ntinue ll-scale genocide are actu peop ally hap py abou le t!

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Maps & Atlases

Our compasses pointed due north when we were lucky enough to score an interview with loveable rockers Maps & Atlases. Guitarist Erin talks to us about keyboards, soy products and his pet Pegasus. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Beware and Be Grateful is set to be released on April 17th. Can you talk about your progression as a band, from your EPs to Perch Patchwork to this album? How is this the next step in your sonic evolution? Erin Elders: I think it’s a continuation of things we were exploring on Perch Patchwork. On that album we really started with texture, whereas our earlier EPs were more stripped down with a lot of guitar. Here we moved on past the Perch Patchwork orchestration, but we found new ways to layer sound with crazy guitars and whatnot. I think the writing style is a steady evolution from our previous album. TBS: How does the writing process work for you guys? Erin: Every record has been different, but I think that’s what most bands hope to do, where you let the process and story behind the record be its own thing. It’s good to break out of your own habits and artistic patterns. For this record there was these group of songs [lead singer] Dave had been working on during his tour and when we had a little off time. It happened in a really stripped down way. We figured out which songs worked as an album, fleshed them out and worked it out over multiple sessions. We’d then throw as many ideas down as we could, then see what worked and what doesn’t. TBS: Considering the length of time it takes to put a record out, how much of what you work on actually ends up on a record? Erin: It’s really interesting. When you think about how much time writing, recording and playing music and

cd review

out now

The ting tings Sounds of Nowheresville Tings Ting latest sounds are from decent-ville. The Ting Tings are an English duo consisting of one dude, Jules de Martino, and one chick, Katie White. You probably know them from their catchy hit songs “Shut Up and Let Me Go” and “That’s Not My Name.” And like all stupidly popular songs, I don’t trust it. So, upon writing this review, I looked to Wikipedia to get the low-down, and like Wikipedia in all its wonderful glory, I found out some fun facts about the origins of this group. It turns out that when White was 12, his grandfather won 6.6 million pounds in the UK lottery, which is roughly $104 million in the US (god, I love the internet). Her grandfather gave each of his sons £1millon each, which includes White’s father. He used his share of the money to start a music management company and after a few attempts at starting a successful group, The Ting Tings were born. So, I didn’t want to like them. On the surface, a manufactured band that lucked out with a few sweet songs five

years ago? Cool… Only their second album, Sounds from Nowheresville seems to have made an effort to fit into the current music-sphere – think Cults but with a bit more spunk and energy, or Sleigh Bells but less intense, more dancey. I’m not sure why I hated on them so much, but it probably had to do with this obnoxious girl I knew who loved “That’s Not My Name” and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Leaving the hate back in 2008, however, I gave The Ting Tings another chance. Their first single “Hang it Up” is a fairly catchy tune that evokes images of hip girls in Urban Outfitters salerack skirts jerking around awkwardly, their version of dancing (remember that obnoxious girl I knew?). “Give it Back” has a similar beat to a certain LCD Soundsystem song and does pick up, but not nearly enough to give the track enough momentum to become worthwhile. “Guggenheim” is my

GRADE C

favorite track on the album with the spoken-word verses building up to an interestingly catchy chorus. The album tends to slow down toward the end, though, and it makes the entire thing pretty anti-climatic. Now, The Ting Tings’ question of a lifetime – would they have ever become anything without the help of granddaddy’s lucky lottery win? It’s doubtful, but that doesn’t matter they’ve scored a few good songs, had their run, won some awards, blah blah blah, and are probably enjoying themselves anyway. They aren’t bad, and are good for some new catchy dance tunes… but don’t expect them to stick around. Sounds Like: Cults and the 80s, separately. Download: Guggenheim, Hang it Up Listen to it When: You’re lounging around and coming down from something fun, but will quickly move onto something else.

you contrast it with the amount of time you actually produce the sounds that end up on the record, it’s small. You have to get to that point, though. TBS: How do you strike a balance between making music you find personally gratifying, but also something that is something your fans want to hear? Erin: It’s a tough thing. Everyone has different interests, and some are able to pursue them under the moniker of their band. But there’s other bands where an out-there record doesn’t work in the parameters of what the band is. Our band, we want to grow and change every record, but the way we move in the same direction, together, allows us to explore new things. TBS: How ambitious do you get with your sound? When you incorporate a new instrument is it out of necessity, like, “this thing makes this sound, so we will use it,” or is it “we want to push the boundaries of how we consider ourselves as musicians”? Erin: With Beware and Be Grateful we started with these cheap Casio keyboards to get the sound up and running, and from there it was experimenting and seeing what stuck. Running with our instincts. We’ve tried doing it before, and it’s worked on certain songs. On this record, though, it helped us produce a really loose sound. TBS: You guys are headlining a tour right now. How do you prepare? Do you prepare? Erin: I think when you’re on tour it’s one of those things where you’re constantly trying to stay on schedule while being exhausted all the time. It’s basically keeping up until you crash and just stop caring about a timetable. TBS: Is there different pressure being the tour headliner? Erin: I think we’re always making sure we’re playing well and presenting the songs as best we can every night, regardless. I mean, you feel obligated to put on a good show for people who paid money to see you. Plus, how often do you get a chance to play a place like Shreveport, Louisiana? Once a year? You want to put on a good show for someone who might be seeing you for the first time. TBS: For someone who hasn’t seen you play live before, describe your show in five words or less. Erin: Four guys, lots of sound. TBS: What’s a band or artist you listen to that no one would think you like? Erin: I listen to a lot of top 40 radio. When we’re on tour peoples’ iPods get exhausted pretty quickly. I think Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass” is an incredible song. TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich. Erin: I think a sandwich is a great culinary invention. I think a baguette, smoked tempeh, some tomato, avocado and spicy mustard. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, what would it be? Erin: A Pegasus seems ideal, you can ride it into town if you need to, or you can fly. TBS: The most practical of the mythical creatures.

UPCOMING RELEASES One Direction - Up All Night Meat Loaf - Hell In A Handbasket

Peter White - Here We Go Adrenaline Mob - Omerta

Lucero - Woman and Work Delta Spirit - Delta Spirit

VCMG - Ssss Soulfy - Enslaved

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An Open Letter to Mark Zukerberg Dear Zuckerberg,

saundra wrote this

In case you were ever confused by the notion that I want people to stalk the shit out of my life, let me just set you straight on the whole timeline bullshit. Don’t get me wrong—I get a little thrill when I know that people are shamelessly creeping on the album that I just posted. But no one, and I mean NO ONE needs to see wall posts from 2007. No one needs to find out about my awkward phase when I truly believed that I was having one-on-one deep conversations with the Jonas Brothers and Megan Fox. This is college. High school should no longer exist. Unlike you Zucky, whose extreme nerdy awkwardness keeps you from having a social life, I have parties to get to and Malibu bottles to take to the face. I don’t have time to delete every thing I ever did between my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. My new fratdaddy doesn’t need to know about my lonely sophomore year and all the Taylor Swift lyrics I posted. Perhaps you would have realized how incredibly creepy timeline was when someone could go all the way back to your birth. Does there really need to be a link for that? Should I be training my future children to poke people from the womb? And what is up with this mandatory cover photo? Are you trying to make me feel bad for not having a single cute, fun photo that describes the entirety of my being? Yes, the sorority betches love it because they can have a five-by-ten photo to showcase their entire pledge class trying to jump on the beach over spring break. But what about the rest of the non-fratty world? What do they have to show? I know that you think your life is so incredible that people would want to know every single shit detail and thus that should be made possible for all humanity but I’m going to give your ego (which is significantly bigger than your IQ) a reality check: NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK. And if they do, really do, then they have reached a socially unacceptable level of creeperdom, and there are places for people like that somewhere in Dante’s Inferno. Now I know that you’ve already forgotten the past iterations of Facebook, but why don’t those layout and design changes show up on my timeline? I do remember OG Facebook. Simple, simple, simple. I could stay on my best friend’s page for hours liking every status she had ever written just to see her dreams shattered when she realized those 1,900 notifications were from me. So if your goal was to make sure no one would spend more than 6.4 seconds on someone’s page, then you win, Mark. You fucking win. And if your goal was to make my profile as confusing and ugly as possible then congratulations, you genius you. But if your goal was to enhance my Facebook usability and make each login a more magnificent experience, then you have shit for brains and I’m far from impressed with your pretending to be smarter than that kid who invented unpretentious Tumblr and whoever the hell is responsible for creating the heaven that is Twitter. Sincerely, one HUGE middle finger, Facebook users worldwide

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Shit Professors Do Sloane Peterson wrote this Just because we just got back from spring break doesn’t make sitting in class any less grueling than it was a few weeks ago, and the process certainly isn’t helped by those annoying habits onto which professors cling so tightly.Here are some of the worst offenses. Taking attendance for every class: The only thing worse than a professor that takes attendance for an 8a.m. on Wednesday morning after TOTS is a professor that takes attendance in a class that goes from 5-6:15p.m. on Thursday nights. This is the price you pay for not having class on Fridays, but trying to learn concepts in Political Theory when you could be out using your sister’s fake to buy a Jumbo borders on the impossible. Bonus points for sending a supposedly-generic email that in all likelihood was only sent to you about your spotty attendance record and how important participation is to your final grade. Letting those assholes that sit in the front row ask questions right up until the end of class: When a professor says “If nobody has anything else, we’ll just pick up here next time,” and lets the kid in the front with the bad haircut talk for the next eight minutes, both parties earn prime billing on my donezo list (no hanging out getting food together, no coming over and playing video games, no putt-putt) I don’t come to class to listen to you have office hours with one lonely, sorry-ass kid while happy hour dwindles away. Bonus points for letting the asshole talk until the end and then saying “I just have two more things I want to touch on before we break.”

The foreign-language speaking professor in a non-foreign-language class: No one cares how many degrees you have in the motherland, your kindergartener-level English skills aren’t helping me now. And don’t think that just because you’re teaching an accounting class that you only have to be able to say numbers in English. Every time you put your words in the wrong order, my final grade drops a percentage point. Bonus points for having an awkwardly uncommon American name to try and assimilate.

Calling on the people that AREN’T raising their hands: If we’re trying to keep the conversation flowing in the classroom and have a good debate, don’t call on the people that are avoiding eye contact like the plague. There’s just no reason to call me out if you can tell that I’m writing my own name over and over on my paper so it looks like I’m taking notes. It puts me in the awkward position of having to both look you in the eyes AND tell you my name, so you can take note of my lack of participation.

When a professor that teaches in McBryde 100 doesn’t allow laptops: What is it about big classes that just makes me NEED to check my Facebook every 6 seconds? I have no desire to do that when I’m in my small classes, but the fact that I’m not allowed to take out my computer in a class that has 300 people in it is literally killing me. I’m not even opposed to taking some notes on it, but judging by the fact that you’re using laminate sheets on an overhead projector, something tells me you don’t have the firm grasp on the technological reality of college life that the rest of us do.

Bonus points for asking why I didn’t do the reading while staring at the stamps on the top of my hands.

Bonus points for not allowing cell phones either, “If I see it, it’s mine.” Yeah right, you can pry my iPhone from my

cold, dead hands. Common time exams: We all come to class at the same time in the same room, why can’t we have the exam then? There is literally no reason for us to attend class and then make a special trip back to campus at 7p.m. on a Friday night to take an exam. In fact, the more I think about it, having an exam that doesn’t let out until 9p.m. on a Friday night only encourages me to drink my liquor faster than everyone else. Nothing quickens the pace better than having to play a game of “catch-up” with my roommates that have been drinking hobo wine since 6. How many times to I have to get alcohol poisoning before professors realize that Friday night exams just do not work for me?! It’s just dangerous at that point. Bonus points for having the review session on Thursday night before the Friday exam, like do you want me to spend the night before your exam in the drunk tank? That’s what it’s looking like. Sure, professors do these annoying things for “the sake of education” and so we can “get real jobs” after college, but as a student body we’re living in the moment. Hold on—I have to respond to this Tweet, like right now.

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So there you are, sitting in class (well, not really since you’re reading this) and you think to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be doing something fun right now...like writing about how much I hate campus parking, or why my friend who went to UVA is now the biggest douchebag in the world!” Well good news—we want to cover those topics and more! Or maybe you want to market our awesome mobile apps and our website? Or you want to throw parties? Whatever it is, we want you on board...now!

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class tim e the madlib: flashback to the last night of spring break Holy ___1___ I’m exhausted, but I’m not about to punk out on my last night in ___2___. I’m really hoping to run into that ___3___ look-alike again, man he was good in the sack. Well, by sack I mean ___4___ but you understand. And now that I’m not burnt like a ___5___ and my ___6___ has cleared up a bit, I’m looking better than ever! Sure, the tattoo of ___7___’s face on my ___8___ probably isn’t going to be so funny once I get home but, hey, isn’t that was spring break is for? Making mistakes? Like (lol) flashing my ___9___ during the ___10___ show at the beach, getting kicked out and slipping in a pile of spilled ___11___-margaritas, then lapping it up like a dog? #embarrassing But Thursday afternoon was the most ridiculous. Meeting those cuties from ___12___ and bonging ___13___ was epic! Well until I saw his uncircumcised you-know-what. But it was fine, we ate some ___14___ and got so messed up we were watching ___15___-dubbed ___16___ videos on YouTube, and dreaming of some ___17___. Then banged. It was bliss, basically. But tonight… tonight we go hard. Listen to some ___18___, drink my ___19___ + Diet Coke and wear the outfit I’ve been waiting for all week – my ___20___-skin dress! Ahh!!!

1) body part 2) spring break hot spot 3) D-list celebrity 4) place in a bar 5) red food 6) STD 7) 90s pop diva 8) gross Body Part 9) extremity 10) b-list rapper 11) vegetable 12) European

country 13) kid’s drink 14) dessert 15) weird electronic artist 16) Animal 17) fruit 18) bad mainstream rapper 19) flavored vodka 20) Animal

class tim e where you at? Find Us At... Sycamore Deli Sake House Soulvaki Jimmy Johns Bollo’s Cafe and Starbucks Bakery Hokie House Gillie’s Restaurant The Cellar 622 North Restau- Benny Marzano’s rant, Bar & Wine CMG Real Estate Lounge Tech Bookstore Lefty’s Main Street (across from Grille Cabo) TechPad Starbucks Cabo Fish Taco El Rods Castle’s Kettle & BCR Real Estate Pub EMPO Sharkey’s Parking Garage Big Al’s Staircases Firehouse Subs Burruss Hall TunTop of the Stairs nel (Rack) Joe’s Diner Dietrick (Rack) Champs Derring Hall London UnGLC derground (not Hancock Hall verified) Hanh North (Rack) PK’s Johnston Student 310 Rosemont Centre (not verified) McComas Hall + Moe’s Schiffert Health DP Dough Centre

Newman Library (Rack) Owens Food Court (Rack) Pamplin Hall Payne Randolph Shultz Dining Centre Squires Student Centre (Rack) Smith Career Services Torgerson Hall TORG BRIDGE University Bookstore War Memorial INSIDE OF DX McBryde Torg Bus stop Deets All Greek Houses and MORE!

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

virginia tech, 2012

Opening March 2012 Food, Pints & Music