VT - 4/5/12 - v02i05 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 5 4/5/12 - 4/26/12

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combating the Spring Semester Slump danielle lewis wrote this

Now that midterms are over and the weather is heating up, classic campus pastimes of skipping class, forgoing homework assignments, and bubbling in random answers to exams that were not studied for present themselves as the harsh realities of the spring semester slump. Though final exams and the year’s end are so close, that extra moment to bask in the glorious sun with a red Solo cup in hand takes precedence as we each trade our inner bookworm for our out-of-control alter ego. If nothing else, take comfort in knowing that we’re all struggling through this last month of work together, some of us much more sober than others. The trick to beating academic apathy is to start small and reward yourself along the way for each small success. The demise of motivation is sudden and sneaky – you’re a stellar student one month, then all of the sudden you find yourself face down in someone’s front lawn on a Monday morning. You can remember the brunette you sloppily hooked up with more clearly than you can remember the last time you were even in a classroom. You’ll have to trick yourself into outsmarting lethargy’s clever ways. Admitting and acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step to making a change. For example, if you wake up around 3:30 to discover you have already slept through your first three classes, it’s all good! Accept that you probably should have shown up to lecture, even for the sole purpose of trolling Facebook for any long overdue spring break picture posts, but go ahead and indulge in a drink of your choice to motivate yourself to catch your last class in time. If you set guidelines, like agreeing to spend the time that you are skipping class on something productive, like online shopping or tanning, you will be one step closer to salvaging the semester.

least show up to all of them). Sometimes all you need to jump-start your daily routine and get you back into your academic groove is a little change of scenery, so there is no shame in inviting that slampiece that sits next to you (…oh wait, you never go to class…) in your Driver Improvement Program out for some casual flash card flipping and study guide quizzing in the Horticulture Garden.

Just like the rule of thirds in photography, a similar type of rule also applies for homework. You should make a deal with yourself to always complete one third of your homework. Committing to a small portion of your full workload will make up for how frequently you skip class and will reenergize you by proving that your goals are attainable,giving you the motivation you need to go out strong for your final exams (or at

No matter how far you’ve strayed from academic excellence, it’s never too late to turn the last few weeks of class around! With just a little thought about the inner you, you’ll be able to set goals and reward yourself accordingly, ensuring that you’ll end the semester with grades that are not just okay, but a little above average. That should be good enough for the ole’ parents, right?

Get real, your options are pretty limited. see page 5

Other stuff

Inside

Summer Job Options

comm. majors suddenly not tOo useless! see page 12

Get Anyone to STFU

Sloane takes us on a guided trip of the Tour de Franzia.

see page 13

Best Franz Forever

Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 5 >>> page 7 >>> page 9 >>>

Those Other Virginia Schools

contents 4

Reasons why you can thank God you’re a Hokie and not a Wa-Hoo-Ha.

Top Ten: Places to Hide from Your Professor

If you can’t find the key to their office, here’s some viable options.

Taking Over Your Frat Brother’s Apartment

You’ll probably find a few used rubbers, but what’s the worst that could happen?

Bartender of the Issue

Daniel from The Cellar hates rude bitches, loves Bloody Mary’s.

PAGE 13 >>> Social Media Strife

All of the important things to know to avoid looking like a jackass. .

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The mental transformation a young man goes through the moment they officially join a fraternity. Though Doug had never liked the taste of beer, the second he joined Gamma Eta Beta he drank Keystone Light like water.

Those Other Virginia Schools sophia pwrote this Ever wonder what other colleges have to offer? And no, I’m not talking about academic rankings or teacher-student classroom ratios. Here at The Black Sheep, we like to think our readers invest in nights remembered by Twitpics and bar tabs. If you find yourself in need of an adventure, you can be sure to find one in Virginia. Road trips are a college staple, so buckle up Hokies and go “research” what these schools provide their student before the year is up. CNU: Missing hot sand and saltwater already? Well Christopher Newport has it, Virginia. Actually that might be its only redeeming feature. Located a little over 30 miles from Virginia Beach, pool parties seem like reason enough to head down to Newport News for a weekend. The campus is dry, but who wants to stay on land with the coast so close? After all, what’s a Boats ‘n Hoes party without the boat? GMU: Fairfax has a lot to offer a visiting college student, namely good ole’ Washington, D.C. Our nation’s capitol is right down the road. There, anything goes. RU: Most Hokies know Radford as that shady school that’s only fifteen minutes away, but let’s cut the Highlanders some slack, they know how to party… sometimes a bit too much. Pushing my past experiences with Radford aside (beer case wall paper, cops on cops on cops, crazy girl fights, etc.)

Quadfest is something to experience for any college kid on the East Coast. Better than JMU’s Spring Fest (pre and postriots) the entire town of Radford transforms into a wild 3-day celebration. Not getting arrested the weekend of Quadfest is an art, good luck. JMU: Any guy going to college in the state of Virginia knows James Madison University for one thing, girls. JMU is the twohour Mecca for Hokie guys who feel the need to be a minority for a few days. Seriously, if you can show up to a party with 15 bros and not be turned away, you’re in Harrisonburg, Va. The Dukes are known for Spring Fest, but this writer can tell you that since the infamous riots in 2010, the fest has flopped. Still a great get-away though. You know, if you don’t mind being surrounded by sexy ladies all night. LU: There is a reason “Where the hell is Farmville, Virginia?” is Longwood University’s most popular selling T-shirt. If you feel like getting lost for a weekend and really like driving through the Virginia countryside, forget your GPS and hit the road. UVa: As a Hokie girl I’ve been conditioned to believe the University of Virginia is a whole list of things I wouldn’t say in front of my momma. As a Virginian, I must confess that I do love Charlottesville. The few trips I have taken to UVa

over the years have been awesome. The trick to a ridiculous weekend with the Hoos is being a total asshole and shouting how awesome you think Tech football is, all the time. If you can get past your fear of popped collars, you’ll have a great experience. While Blacksburg is beautiful in the spring, take advantage of your flexibility to travel while you can. Cut loose in a new place, try out that Ke$ha-inspired alter ego, do whatever the hell you want – as long as you make it to class on Monday, anything goes.

the top ten Places to Hide From Your Professors After Skipping Class

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Your Three Realistic Summer Job Options an optimist wrote this Okay, so the end of the year is rapidly approaching, and by now mom and pops are probably a little peeved that you aren’t going to be programming for Google or testing airplanes for Boeing or following a politico around the country on their campaign. Who needs internships anyway? Sure, they have the perks of good pay and potential recommendations, but the long hours and dress codes? Boooorrrrinnnng. The downside to not having an internship: heading home for the summer. While the fridge is inevitably stocked and the laundry service is free, it usually doesn’t take long before the parents are itching to get your caboose off of the couch. There’s nothing wrong with a few part-time jobs, so if you aren’t quite ready to be a big kid yet, listen up. Lifeguarding: I know, I know, how cliché. But really, let’s think about this one. You’ll get a tan from sitting in the sun all day, and how many little tykes do you know that actually ever need to be rescued? Double points if you can land a spot at a country club – MILFs and sugar daddies all day long! Ogle away! If you can manage to stay off Facebook and Twitter all summer, when you return to campus in August everyone will be all, “OMG like where did you go and get tan?!” Make shit up! “Oh, I was abroad in Barcelona...I just…didn’t bring a camera. Or anything.” Bartending for high school parties: Way easier than it sounds. Everyone has the gullible little douche neighbor at home who thinks he’s “so hard” because he knows dad has a case of Bud Light in the garage. Do you remember your first beer? Little Tommy doesn’t, so bill him and his bros a hundred bucks and bring nothing but O’Douls and tonic water. Watch as they get slobberknocked, only…not. You make some dough, nothing illegal happens, and you get to just laugh at the innocence of…innocent people. Late-night waitering/waitressing: Who hasn’t stumbled

It’s been a consistent (for Blacksburg) 70 degrees for a while now, and it looks like we’re finally in full spring swing. For some people, this means studying with the window open, but for others it means sitting outside of ABP and taking pictures of cute dogs that walk by. This presents the classic Ferris Bueller quagmire of spending the whole rest of the day avoiding the one person who knows you’re skipping: your professor. Here’s a few places you can hide out until you’re in the clear.

into Joe’s Diner at 2:30 a.m. and tried to woo the service? If you’re fortunate enough to live in a college town or other semi-populated area, take advantage! As a member of late-night food service, you have two options. First, you can shamelessly hit on the cliental with no remorse, I mean, they won’t remember giving you their phone number! When you call the next day, make up some epic story about how you helped them get a cab home or something (obviously, don’t cop to being the one serving them the chili cheese fries they’re undoubtedly regretting this morning). The other option: just straight fuck with people. Ask them dumb questions. Get dumb answers. Giggle as they coat their faces in ranch dressing. Convince them that yes, the second hotfudge brownie sundae is a GREAT idea and TOTALLY won’t make them fat. You PROMISE. I guess if you REALLY wanted to, you could try and find a vaguely respectable employment situation, like be a barista at Starbucks or do some summer tutoring, but what do you get out of that? Money? Psh. You’re still in college folks, that’s what mommy and daddy are for.

Got the entrepreneurial bug? Check out Blacksburg’s Premiere Coworking Community

10) Your apartment: This is both your best option and your worst. Unless you’re doing that special kind of extra credit, you’re not going to run into your professor at your apartment, but this means you would have to go home, and that’s the worst place to play hooky. 9) Dining hall: Professors don’t have meal plans, and nothing on campus is really worth spending real money on. Generally if you hang out in a dining hall, you’ll be in the clear, unless it’s ABP, you’re never safe there. 8) Residential quads: Even if you don’t live on campus anymore, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy the weather while sitting amongst 20 almost-naked freshmen playing beach volleyball. If the jock scene isn’t for you, there’s always the PY/New Res/Payne quad that’s full of pale people doing Sudoku. 7) Schiffert: It’s best to hit up Schiffert before you skip class so that you can get that little appointment slip that is the mother of all fake excuses. Plus, even if you do run into anyone here, they can’t question what you’re doing out of class, that’s just rude. 6) McComas: The last thing your rotund professor wants is for his students to see him on the elliptical. The only downside to this is that you’re not getting swoll with all that fresh air and sunburn that you crave so badly. Perhaps this can serve as a constructive hiatus from your whole day of dicking around. 5) 460: Whether you’re driving down the road with the windows down or just sitting on the side of the road catching some rays, there’s no way your professor will see you. And even if he does, he’ll be gone too quickly to notice that weirdo laying out on the interstate was supposed to be in his class. 4) Fishbowl: If you hang out in the bottom of the library, you can see anyone questionable long before they get to you. The only problem is you have to actually pay attention and not just watch Netflix on your computer, but seriously, think of how many dogs you’d see. (Good news, I saw a dog today.) 3) TOTS: I can’t think of a less adult-friendly place to hang out and get day-drunk than TOTS. Plus, there’s the added bonus of getting your hands stamped in the middle of the day so that you can skip the cover when you go back at night.

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2) Handing stuff out on the Drillfield: If you can stand to hang out in the middle of the Drillfield all day, you’re totally in the clear. People avoid that shit like the plague. I can guarantee no adult will make eye contact with you. 1) BreakZone: What are the chances that your professor gets out of class and heads over to Squires for a friendly game of bowling? Zero. Literally Zero.

Sloane Peterson wrote this

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Taking Over Your Frat Brother’s Apartment Incredibly Convenient or Royally Stupid? Michelle Minnich wrote this As you might be aware, the on-campus housing assignments for next year are soon to be released and you are probably wondering if you’re going to make the cut for a second, or third, or fourth year of staying in the dorms. Perhaps you’d like a shot at living off-campus. Lo and behold, after four, or five, or who-knows-how-many, years, your fraternity has a crop of graduates ready to be released into the wild. “I don’t want to live in Oak Lane!” you cry aloud to no one in particular. Well, you don’t have to, many Greeks actually don’t live in Oak Lane. In fact, they more than likely live in an apartment or house and guess what? Their lease is about to end and they don’t want to move all of their furniture out. Your older brosephs approach you and your keg-standing, fist-bumping pledge brother with an enticing proposition: simply take over the lease on their apartment, which was once a haven for your drunken foolishness. But be warned, bros. Within that off-white dry wall, there are secrets that the brosephs are not going to tell you. For example, there’s the couch that was so comfortable when you passed out on it with your shoes on and woke up with phalli drawn all over your face in black Sharpie. What you probably don’t realize is that this couch, and basically every surface in this apartment, has been rage-fucked on. If some twisted homicide was committed at this pad, the CSI people would be unable to determine the semen of the killer because the whole apartment would be glowing under the blacklight. Come to think of it, the cushion did seem a bit crusty… Anyway, what is worse is the state of the bathroom. Consider your own personal bathroom cleaning habits because once you relocate off-campus, the lovely members of the housing staff are not going to clean up after you. Yes, that’s right: you have to do it yourself. Unfortunately, many people forget this little detail. Looking into the bathroom that has been shared by your older brosephs, you start to wonder what that grayish film is that coats everything. That, I am glad to tell you, is a layer of bacterial growth that is able to withstand a multitude of bodily fluids found in that particular room. It is

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going to take more than a simple jug of Clorox for you to remedy this situation. Finally, why does everything in the apartment smell of stale cheese? Well, did you check the status of the fridge? Chances are that they bought Totino’s pizzas back in the Clinton administration and just forgot to get rid of them. Other science projects might be developing in that kitchen, causing your bro haven to smell horrendous. Clean out every food item and steam clean the carpets twice. You’ll need to do it in order to get the stenches of stale beer and shame out of the place. Now, if you still want to take over their lease, by all means go right ahead. In only a few short years you’ll have a gullible freshman to hand it off to.

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Bartenderof the Issue

Daniel The Cellar

Nickname: Doolittle Relationship status: Single Favorite drink to drink: Tröegs Nugget Nectar

The Cellar: The Greek Spaghetti Vegetable, I generally add chicken. But if it’s not that, it’s the Hot Italian.

What is your advice to underage drinkers: To avoid the bars Favorite drink to make: Bloody Mary altogether.

be able to remember names, what people like [to drink], and hold good conversation. What’s the funniest thing a girl has done to get a free drink: When they say it’s their birthday when it’s not. It happens pretty often.

Favorite drinking game: Up River Down River

What’s the most popular drink at What’s your dream job: Working in a The Cellar: It would probably be brewery, with my hands in the grains. Yuengling during Hammertime, when Favorite bar in a movie or TV show: all pitchers are $7. What’s the craziest thing you’ve Paddy’s Pub from It’s Always Sunny in seen on the job: It would probably Philadelphia. Most annoying thing Hokies do at be the girls trying to run down the the bar: Generally just being rude. hallway to puke, which generally Favorite bar in real life: The London happens during all Hokie football Underground What’s the best hangover cure you game nights…and then I have to clean know: Continue drinking more, and it. What is one thing that your drunk then drink water. You gotta step back self can be seen doing: Dancing, to before you step forward. How has this job affected your any song. life: It’s helped me in many ways, What do you need to be a good especially to communicate more What is your favorite food at bartender: A good bartender should effectively, and to be more social.

Giving it to the Face since 1995

recipe for disaster:

Fluffernutter Cookies

You’re in college. You’re poor. Your diet consists of bread and the interchangeable mix of college delicacies like peanut butter, jelly, marshmallow fluff, or if you are really desperate, you stick old lunch meat in there and convince yourself it’s not that old. Well, brace yourselves and prepare to starve no more, because with almost the same ingredients, you can add dessert to your redundant meals. What You’ll Need: Creamy peanut butter, marshmallow cream (fluff), and an egg. Fatty Factor: Peanut butter has protein so… It’s kind of good for you? Cook time: 20 minutes. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat oven to 350 degrees. These cookies like it hot. - Mix one cup of peanut butter and an egg into a bowl. - Slowly mix in one cup of marshmallow cream until it looks like a mulatto child Mold your concoction into testicle-sized balls and put them on a cookie sheet and into the oven for 15 minutes. - Remove carefully and enjoy the hell out of it. With Easter on its way, these can make for a lovely little Easter treat after you’ve drank away every last memory of spending time with your family for the weekend.

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Sweeps Season:

With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.

Happy Endings (ABC) In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.

Marry, Bang, Kill Edition

Marry!

The show is full of plausible scenarios executed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby could just get on with his miserable life? That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in

Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic. To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”

their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hellbend on remaining that way? Zuh? A comedy based in reality, teased out to be funny? Well, we’ll be damned.

Person of Interest (CBS) Bang! In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.

Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interto take care of his dirty work. est sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new Or, episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-the-teeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain universe of alien pedophiles. worthy of some praise.

2 Broke Girls (CBS)

Kill!

There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL! There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring

Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!

Up All Night (NBC)

Bang!

But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.

Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit.

Seriously, look at the premise of two episodes, and the moral each story:

This was supposed to be a comedy, right?

Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids.

Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!

Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence.

There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horndogs!

uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!

Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.

Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:

That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.

New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…

In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?

Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.

In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!

Marry!

In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!

Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing. Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.

New Girl (FOX)

Kill!

Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than an extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.

a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “We think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks,” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “She spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”

One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weak-willed writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs

trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “Well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”

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Bad Veins

Bad Veins, a rock duo hailing from lovely Cincinnati, Ohio, are an up-and coming band known for melding a unique sound with pop sensibility. Frontman Benjamin Davis chatted with us about just that prior to the release of their album, The Mess We Made, debuting on April 24th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, The Mess We’ve Made, drops on April 24th. How did, or how does, the creative process work in a band that only has two members? Benjamin Davis: Well, that’s a loaded question. I think that a four-piece band would be a lot different from how we do it. Undeniably, I am a control freak, and I have my hand in everything. That’s even true with [drummer] Sebastien’s work. With just us two, we talk openly about ideas all the time, and I have to try to create room for him to be creative. TBS: Bad Veins was intended to be a solo project for you, but you later found Sebastien and wanted him to be a part of the work, correct? Ben: Yeah. For me, he had the work ethic I was looking for in a bandmate. A lot of people don’t believe that one could be a musician for a living, and they don’t understand the baby steps a group needs to take to get there. There’s that old saying, “The difference between a goal and a dream is a plan.” I feel like most people don’t have that plan, and a lot of other bands think, “Well, we’ll never be big, so why practice?” Sebastien saw that there are achievable goals and wants to put in the work to make it happen. That’s a rare trait in a person.

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Of monsters and men My Head is an Animal Of Monsters and Men and Awesome Indie Rock Tunes. As far as common knowledge goes, there are a few things (pretty much) everyone knows about Iceland: Weirdo singer Bjork hails from there. Pitchfork-loved Sigur Ros is from there too. The last fun fact is that Greenland is actually the one covered in ice and Iceland is still cold, but not as icy cold. Boom! Knowledge bomb. While all three of those things may be confusing to a simple American, there is one Icelandic thing that makes total sense: Of Monsters and Men. Upon first listen, you wouldn’t think of them as a “foreign” band or something entirely unusual. They’re quintessential indie folk; they’re blending intense moments of serious passion into each track while also sounding beautiful and comforting. These guys had been making music separately for many years until they came together in 2010 to enter (wait for it!) Músíktilraunir (Icelandic Idol if you will), but surely much cooler –

and won the darn thing. They became a hit in Iceland, and got signed to a major record label where they released My Head is an Animal in the US, out now. The entire album has that epic, orchestral feel to it—like you’re listening to something real and important. Reminiscent of Beirut (but less circusy) and Florence + The Machine, Of Monsters and Men is solid emotional indie rock that translates to American ears. Their first single is “Little Talks,” a fast paced number with true enthusiasm. With both abstract and somehow hauntingly familiar lyrics like “there’s an old voice in my head / that’s holding me back / well tell her that I miss our little talks,” it only seems right that if anyone can accurately describe how my weird self is feeling, it’s an honest Nordic. My Head is an Animal flows on in with similar slightly-sad notes, but

GRADE B+

doesn’t become too depressing. Tunes like “King and Lionheart” and “Your Bones” are both impressive songs that find that fine line between passion and depression without crossing it. “Numb Bears” is a nice little track that I particularly enjoy—more on the upbeat, light-hearted side and a refreshing change. Plus, I love the way “numb bears” sounds when spoken aloud. Now, if these Europeans don’t get crushed by American fame they’ll have a chance to stick around for awhile on this side of the pond. Hopefully they can stay humble, continue to make awesome music, and become the first entity synonymous with Iceland that makes some sense. Sounds Like: Unbeknownst NordicEuropean melancholy indie rock. Download: Little Talks, Numb Bears, Your Bones Listen to it When: It’s raining, and you’re not sad, but that springtime rain, man, it gets ya down.

TBS: You talk about having your hand in a lot of the music behind this band, but how has Sebastien’s presence shaped the group? Ben: What Seb brings to the band is incredible, because I would not or could not do what we do without him. I often compare him to the Muppet Animal. They’re both drummers, they’re both crazy and if you add an Animal to your band, you’d have to keep them under control, making sure that they’re fitting into the world you’re working in. TBS: How do you view your new album in light of your other work? Ben: I don’t think that our dynamic has changed between the first two records— we approach making music the same way. On this album, though, I had a lot more attention to detail, and there’s a lot more to listen to—to wrap your brain around—and that’s largely because I spent more time composing and arranging on this album. TBS: How do you strike the balance between doing right by your fans and maintaining a fresh sound? Ben: Seb and I both really love pop music. We like rock—when we’re on tour we’ll have some Zeppelin or some Sabbath—but we’ll also get into Katy Perry or Fleetwood Mac. Anything that has accessibility and pop sensibility we like. I feel like I have to make that music, and coincidentally other people seem to like it. So, the harder I work at my craft, the closer I actually get to pop music. TBS: You won the Target Music Maker Award, as well as a few other accolades. How do you qualify that in your terms of success? Ben: I definitely don’t revel in awards. If anything I’m cursed with the “now what?” syndrome, where I can never enjoy anything because I want to figure out what’s next. Sometimes that’s good—it keeps you going and makes you want to get better, but at the same time you never enjoy it. TBS: When you tour do you find you have a hard time translating your sound? Ben: We use the old binary reel-to-reel tape deck and we place it center stage for a live show. So, while we’re not trying to recreate the album live, the elements of it are there. We don’t try to trick anyone into thinking we’re reproducing the sound ourselves, though. TBS: And what are one of these live shows like? Ben: You should expect to hear things you don’t normally hear, because of the backing tracks we choose to use. Harps, woodwinds, brass, lush arrangements to flesh out the music. Now you don’t see that stuff a lot.

UPCOMING RELEASES Rascal Flatts - Changed Wilson Phillips - Dedicated

Dr. John - Locked Down Marvin Sapp - I Win

High on Fire - De Vermis Mysteriis SHINee - Sherlock

MxPx - Plans Within Plans Obie Trice - Bottoms Up

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How to get Anyone to STFU: Advice from a Communication Major gwen wrote this We get it. If any group has a chance to be voted “most likely to need the safety scissors,” it’s communication majors. Of course, we don’t exactly help our image. While engineers are slaving away building renewable, solar-powered, whatevarrr, comm students are playing pretend reporter on the Drillfield and learning how to be a more effective tweeter. While you’re busy not having fun, we’re spending an entire class dissecting one word and determining how it is more powerful or persuasive than another. We are taught how to sway a group’s opinions and emotions. In fact, the reason we often sound like idiots is because we have been taught to speak and write in a way that most Americans will relate to. So what does this mean for you? Well, you can use some of the tactics we have to make the annoying people in your life less annoying. Comm majors learn to use the power of words to do anything, even make someone else stop talking. Let’s look at a few problem people, and how to make them STFU. Parents: Is your mom always asking why you’re writing hilarious articles about spring break instead of beginning a serious career at the superprestigious campus newspaper? Rename your activities to appeal to her goals. The U.S. utilized this tactic when they changed the name of “The War on Iraq” to “The War on Terror.” No one can argue against a war on terror without seeming to sympathize with the terrorists. Likewise, if you change your “request for booze money” to “request for funds to network with peers and potential coworkers,” it’s hard to argue against you. Just follow that old Army slogan: If it works for

America, it will work on your mom. Girlfriend: Sure, she’s hot, but she’d be a lot hotter if she came with a remote to control her volume. While that technology is only available in China, you can turn her down by turning the music up. Music can change moods, thoughts, and even opinions. Put on that song that she always sings along to. You’ll get brownie points for remembering her favorite song, plus you don’t have to act like you’re listening anymore. Even Rihanna grunting, “ellaellaellaehhhehh” like a broken record with Down’s Syndrome is better than hearing about your girlfriend’s best friend’s dramatic breakup one more time. Professor: This lecture is totally bringing down your buzz, but class doesn’t end for another half hour. How do you get your professor to STFU? Answer your phone in class. Seriously. Say something like, “Yeah, I can’t talk because I’m in the most boring class…evarrr.” Everyone will think you’re hilarious and wish they had the courage to be baller like you. The professor will respect you so much for standing up to him, he’ll give you an A for sure.

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That guy who answers his cell phone in class: Tranquilizer dart. It’s the only way. Team up with a vet school student and get that stuff they use for horse surgery. Oh, and don’t be that guy. See? We aren’t completely worthless. We shouldn’t be taking classes on how to identify edible food in dumpsters. We’re functional, maybe even capable, people! Next time you’re talking down to us, remember, we know what you’re really saying before you even say it.

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Sunset blush and white zin: Best franz forever

Sloane Peterson wrote this Imagine this: you have agreed to participate in a run-of-themill Tour de Franzia with 30 people. Your roommate asks you what kind of wine he should pick up, and you say “pink,” and so he does. You arrive at the playing field, and every single team except yours has picked up a box of White Zinfandel, whereas your team has Sunset Blush. This is hilarious to everyone except you, and your wine is henceforth referred to as “toilet wine.” WELL THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT. This happened to me in the fall and it is still brought up to me on a regular basis, so I’m putting an end to it. Consider this an in-depth analysis of the subtler differences between White Zin and Sunset Blush, conducted by use of both the internet and my mouth. First things first, the facts: Sunset Blush has 95 calories per 5 oz. serving, whereas White Zin has 105. Keep in mind though, we’re gonna have to multiply that by 3 to account for college servings; seeing 5 ounces of wine in a glass only makes me think that someone is chugging out of my tumbler every time I turn my back. According to Franzia, Sunset Blush is described as “Delicate pink hue with strawberry flavors; easy to drink and very refreshing,” and White Zinfandel is described as “A refreshing crisp blush California wine with delicate strawberry aromas,” so all we could determine from that is that one tastes like strawberries and one smells like strawberries. Useful, thank you.

social media strife @Dr_SillyCone wrote this

Unfortunately Franzia does not include the alcohol content of the wines on the box, nor are they on the website, but based on a few very reliable sources (Yahoo Answers) both flavors are between eight and ten percent alcohol, which makes 5 liters totally sufficient for a couple of my friends really plastered. Which brings me to my next point. The Experiment: I bought a box of White Zin and a box of Sunset Blush and had five people over to my apartment to settle the dispute, all of whom were in attendance for the Tour de Franzia event that started this whole thing. I also told them all that I had switched the bags, and possibly switched them back so they didn’t know which was which. We can’t let knowledge get in the way of opinions, now can we?! Everyone finished both boxes that night and came to the following conclusions: • The bags of wine were in the right boxes. (this is actually correct) • The first taste of both flavors are pretty disgusting, but the foul taste of White Zin stays in your mouth for a lot longer than Sunset Blush. • There is a tiny difference in taste, but it is completely indescribable to drunk people, and you’ll forget it by the time you pour your next glass. • Everyone that was able to tell the difference between the two flavors all agreed that Sunset Blush tasted better overall.

The entire collegiate population in the United States would agree that social media websites are awesome. There is no greater distraction from important life goals than social media. Think about all the time you spend on the internet, and then convert that to time spent studying. You’d be attending Harvard. Despite how awesome Facebook, Twitter, and the rest of the sites are, I have some beef with a couple of things. Most will agree with these shortcomings. If you don’t, you’re a perpetrator of these sins. Stop. #YOLO - Anybody that wastes time on the internet knows what this acronym means: “You Only Live Once.” Okay fine, you’re free to live your life on the edge because yes, we only live once (barring afterlife, reincarnation, etc.). Please refrain from posting your “daring feats” on the internet, though. The phrase is abused and annoying. Also, think about this paradox: if you only live once, why would you partake in actions that potentially reduce the longevity of said life? “Beer-bonging 5 Four Lokos tonight because #YOLO!” Don’t do that, it’s a bad idea; and stop saying YOLO on the internet. Whatever happened to the good ole days of “carpe diem” and “hakuna matata?” #KONY2012 - This hashtag is no longer relevant given recent events in the news: the primary advocate of this campaign was caught naked in public, on film. There’s even video evidence online. Now everybody that blew this campaign up on the internet feels silly. Yes, there are horrible atrocities happening all over the world that should be dealt with, but you just gave support to a (rumored) public masturbator. I would rather give my money to a hobo. They may both be nude in public, but at least a hobo has the decency to masturbate under his blanket. Hashtag on Facebook - The point of a hashtag is to include your tweet in a “topic” that can be read by Twitter users searching the topic. That being said, please keep your hashtag shenanigans off of Facebook, or any site that isn’t Twitter, especially if you don’t even have a Twitter. You just look silly. “Selfies” - A “selfie” is a photo taken of you, by you. They are harmless in small amounts, but if half of your profile pictures are selfies, you should reconsider your life. Do you think you look

The entire night—from the lessons learned to the inevitable end result of drinking two boxes of wine-- can be easily summed up in one quote that someone has typed into my open computer while we all got wine-wasted: “If I’m being honest, after a couple glasses of this stuff I probs wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between this so called “wine” and jet fuel, let alone sunshit blush and shytezin.”

good or something? I’m sure your webcam loves taking photos of your face doing different expressions as much as we all love looking at them. Subtweeting - A subtweet is a tweet about someone else without directly using their name. Most of the time, it is posted with the intent that the person being tweeted about sees it. Twitter is not your public diary. As much as you think your followers might want to read your bitching about some unimportant issue, they don’t. Do the internet world a favor and take that shit back to MySpace and Xanga. Facebook App Requests - No, I do not want to play Farmville or Mafia Wars with you. Stop sending me that crap. #:) - Wait, what? No. Please don’t hashtag a smiley face. Ever. This little three character folly needs to end. Don’t abuse your hashtag privileges; with great hashtag power, comes great hashtag responsibility. <<<< - The use of these “greater than” and “less than” signs on the internet needs to end. People generally use these to make a statement about how awful/awesome their life is, followed by a greater than or less than sign. Why are they annoying? Because when people use them, they either whine about how much their life “sucks”, or boast about how fantastic their life is. This behavior will not be tolerated. That awkward moment when… - That awkward moment when the moment isn’t awkward at all. 90% of the “awkward moment” posts I see on the internet are about situations that aren’t even remotely awkward. “That awkward moment when I’m sitting in traffic and super bored.” What? How is that awkward? All I ask is that you look over your “awkward” moment before you post it. The amount of nonsense you find on the internet is endless. We all want to love the glory that is social media, but let’s all do each other a favor and keep the annoyingness to a minimum. Otherwise, I fear that our favorite sites may be doomed to the same dungeon that MySpace and the like reside in.

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the crossword: the united states the clues

N R

where you at?

C O L O R T A 9 D A O L 12 D A S E E B L A K L A H O M A W A A R E

N E V Y L A N D D E A 7 W T H D A K O S 10 H W I I 13 T E N N E S G C 15 T O X I C O N N S I M O N T A N

C 5 M A L 6 M A I F 8 S O R N 11 I I L A 14 L H I A 16 N E WM O A I I S I

DOWN: 1) The state’s name is Spanish for “snow-clad.” 3) The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4) The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7) Microsoft is headquartered here. 9) In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10) The Badger State. 11) This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12) Colonial blue and buff are this state’s official colors. 14) This state hosts the nation’s most active volcano. 6

15) The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. 16) This state had the highest state capital above sea level. (2 words) 17) The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state. 15

across: 2) The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 words) 5) This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. 6) The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. 8) Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic. 13) The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of this state.

Down 1 The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4 The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7 Microsoft is headquartered here. 9 In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10 The Badger State. 11 This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12 Colonial blue and buff are this state's official state colors. 14 This state hosts the nation's most active volcano.

Across The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 Words) This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. (2 Words) The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of this state. The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. This state has the highest state capital above sea level. (2 Words) The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state.

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