VT - 4/26/12 - v02i06 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 6 4/26/12 - 5/12/12

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Dr. Seuss Speaks about the Stadium Woods Debate Sam Howard wrote this On Washington Street where the freshman all sleep and wait every week for the newest Black Sheep and not a sound could be heard, not one single peep were the Woods at Virginia Tech. And deep behind the tennis courts, some people say, if you look deep enough you can still see, today, where the woods once stood just as long as they could before somebody chopped the woods away. Why were the woods chopped down in a heap? from the far end of town where the freshman all sleep? Coach Beamer still lives here. Ask him. He knows. You won’t see the Beamer. Won’t see him at all. He stays in his Field House until the fall. He stays in that house till it’s time to recruit, when the freshman come visit in their newly-bought suits And on special Saturdays in September, he coaches In hopes that an NCAA title approaches And if you listen closely, you might hear him say He’ll tell you how the woods were lifted away. He’ll tell you, perhaps... if you’re there on game day.

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The practice facility! It’s much too small! There’s no room for the whole team to practice at all! Running mile after mile in the fresh morning breeze. But once inside they all stand knee to knee Doing their drills and reading playbooks With so little room that reporters can’t look All my life I’ve been searching for land such as this. However these trees are historic People may get pissed. I hope these complaints can be dismissed for a new practice facility is too good to resist. I submitted a proposal; clearing the woods would seem meager Sent it straight to the office if President Steger A third of them gone shouldn’t upset them at all If it leads to a national title come fall. In no time at all, we had drawn up plans. For a facility that met all the program’s demands. And with LT’s skillful skill and his great speedy speed, This new facility might give us a title indeed! The instant I’d drawn it, I heard a loud “HEY!” I turned around. I saw a small man pop out of the ground.

He was shortish. And oldish. And acted quite silly. He sounded like Frank from Always Sunny in Philly “Mister!” he said with a sawdusty sneeze, “I am the Lorax. You already know me. Stop this plot right now, I’m asking you, please. And I’m asking you, sir, “many joined in his chorus“What’s that THING you want to put in my forest?” “Look, pal,” I said.” There’s no cause for alarm. There’s plenty of trees left. I mean you no harm. I’m being quite useful. This building’s a need. A need that will let us do all sorts of good deeds! It’s a gym. We can practice. We can punt, we can catch. Even a Sugar Bowl ref could see that. You can use it for soccer. For warmups! For track! Once this building is built the national titles will stack!” He said, “Sir! You’re shitting me. No indoor practice building could replace all those trees!” The debate still kept going, on signs and in papers. For football or forest, neither side would waiver Plenty of Hokies sided with the Lorax While just as many wanted the indoor track Whatever you support, be it nature or games We here at The Black Sheep love all of you the same.

oh my god, they’re all so good man, hahahah!!!

Justin from Tots got mad skills from playing Fruit Ninja.

Peace out drunk bitch, i hope we never hold your hair again.

see page 4

see page 9

see page 12

A Review of Downtown Cupcake (On 4/20)

Bartender of the Issue

The People You Won’t Miss

Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>> PAGE 5 >>> page 7 >>> page 9 >>>

contents

Finals Week: A Rant

so many things suck right now, but it’ll all be over soon.

Top Ten: Things To Do To Tour Groups

Fake drugs! Fake sex! Ahh, the endless possibilites!

The Black Sheep Commencement Speech Yes, you made it! Do you even remember “it”?

Recipe for Disaster: Candy Sushi

Bonus points for putting wasabi on top, but we don’t suggest it.

PAGE 10 >>> Parents Say The Darndest Things Aww, especially when interpreting ke$ha lyrics. .

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The first 5 right answers win prizes! word of the week >>> Carneverous

A Overload Wench

Llama Peril Whirls

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: The act of owning a car, but refusing to lend it to, or give rides to, anyone. Blaine is a carneverous prick, he never lets anyone drive his BMW M3.

A Review of Downtown Cupcake (on 4/20): A Parody of Collegiate Times review gwen wrote this Downtown Cupcake is the best cupcake dealer around. I can’t, like, tell you where he lives or anything… but if you get his number, just say I sent you. Here’s a review of his best stuff.

the counter called it “elegant.” But, this cupcake is downright judgmental. It’s like its reading my thoughts and looking down on me, as if it knows what I’m about. It doesn’t know me.

Red Velvet: The two best words to describe this cupcake: in my mouth. Wait. That’s three words. But, you know what I mean. And, not to be redundant, but I ate the fuck outta that cupcake. The red part was so red that I had to put Visine drops in my eyes to make sure it wasn’t me.

It’s still staring at me. Wait. Can cops go undercover as cupcakes? Ohmygod, I’m freaking out right now. We have to go back to my place, man. I just need to be in a positive place, you know? I just really, really, really, got a bad feeling all of a sudden.

The velvet part was…Did you ever wonder why they would name something you eat ‘velvet?’ I would never want to eat velvet. And if the cupcake is velvet, is the white icing on top of it cotton? Because that would explain the feeling in my mouth right now.

Peanut Butter Icing with cupcake underneath: As soon as I crammed this entire cupcake into my mouth, I knew that it was special. Not “special” special, but regular special. The peanut butter icing kind of stuck to my mouth at first, but then I washed it down with another cupcake.

Chocolate with I-can’t-spell-that icing: Okay, gross. This thing tastes like one of those chocolate-flavored condoms that you get from those machines in the gas station (not like I’ve ever gotten one, then licked it ‘cuz I was craving chocolate but didn’t feel like getting off the couch). I almost don’t even want to eat this thing. It’s all chewy and…

It reminded me of school days with peanut butter sandwiches. My mom used to pack me one every day. Peanut butter is like a metaphor for life, you know? It’s sticky and hard to chew at first, but with a little work and a sip of bourbon, you can swallow it. Life. That’s what peanut butter is all about.

Wait. Never mind. I forgot to take the paper off the bottom. Vanilla with stuff: First of all, this cupcake looks too prissy to be something made to cure the munchies. Some chick at

Strawberry Yum Yum: Upon sinking my teeth into this cupcake, I was like, wow, this is fluffy. Those cupcakes were so fluffy; I’d sell them for 60 a g. It was so good I scraped the res…crumbs off the inside of the foil so I could have another bite. And it was so moist that it cured my dry mouth. Wow,

the word moist is really gross when you think about it. Moist. Moist. Mmmmoist. Ew. So, you wanna hit off that cupcake? Downtown Cupcake’s got the dankest batter in town. Don’t go there, though. He’s real cautious about traffic going in and out of the place if you know what I mean. Call him, say I sent you, and be cool.

the top ten

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Finals Week: A Rant

Things to Do to Tour Groups

Danielle Lewis wrote this Though finals week pretty much blows, the key to surviving it is blocking out the negative chi and focusing on the upsides to the torturous ordeal, like dropping your extra dining dollars on an ass-ton of candy bars or a huge case of soda. As the avalanche of exams and final papers nears, threatening to bury us all under a blanket of textbooks, formula sheets, and number two pencils, remember to be conscientious of your behavior and respect your fellow classmates. This idea, though often overlooked, is called ‘Don’t be an asshole.’ As soon as Reading Day hits, finding a table in the library becomes more difficult than walking through downtown on a Friday night without hearing some blonde betch scream ‘YOLO’ as she subsequently does something that she will regret the next day. Please only go to the library if you plan on studying – a pile of textbooks splayed across a table does not count as studying if you are sitting there drinking coffee and looking at funny pictures of cats. People typically assume that a table with someone’s belongings on it means that the table is taken, so if you capitalize on this unspoken rule don’t leave to go lollygag around for three hours and then casually saunter back to your spot. Not okay. If you do actually study in the library, take note that quiet floors are called quiet floors for a reason. Don’t have a ‘no, you hang up first’ war with your boyfriend and then wonder why every nasty scowl in the vicinity is aimed in your direction. The last thing anyone wants during this period of academic agony is the seemingly simultaneous status update by every college student in existence that says: ‘Only four more exams!’ Newsflash children, the only exams anyone cares about are their own. Go ahead and save your personal pep talk for your planner or your tri-daily phone call to your grandma. Just in case you haven’t realized yet, posting your Empo computer number as your status is and always will be a fruitless endeavor. There’s a reason why no one has ever come to visit you bearing sustenance per your request, and it’s because in college people learn to study without anyone there to hold their hand. On that note, there’s no Longest Time Spent at the Empo award, so next time you feel compelled to publicly announce the number of hours you’ve spent there, don’t. The

Spring is finally here and campus is filled with the usual spring sights: sunbathers, pick-up volleyball games, and of course, those damn tour groups. While we love to welcome new people to this great university, those tour groups annoy us by obliviously standing in the most heavily trafficked areas. Here’s a few fun ways we can start the freshmen hazing a little early. 10) Discuss the Weekend: If you’re with a friend and walking by a tour group, this is the perfect opportunity to loudly discuss the happenings of last weekend. No censorship either, those parents and highschoolers need to know about all of your mistakes. majority of the student body is studying just as long and hard (te-he-he) as you are, yet they have the decency to not broadcast their complaints to the world. While we’re on the topic of social media, know that the worst status of them all is the ever-popular “(insert generic location here) bound!!!” First off, if you’re one of the lucky bastards that finish finals remarkably early, this type of status will only frustrate the rest of the student body that has to read through hundreds of statuses posted at once. In addition, where the hell else would you be going? Oh wait, for a second there I thought that after finals you were going to merely loiter around campus for a couple of days, maybe sit in the empty dorms staring at the walls, instead of returning back to your permanent place of residence. Good thing you’ve informed me that you’re actually headed back to NOVA! Whew! Crisis averted! Stop. Finals week is unfortunately inevitable. Next time you are about to engage in some questionable behavior, ask yourself how you would feel about anyone else doing the same thing. On a scale of one to Rebecca Black, I encourage everyone to keep it at a five or below this time around.

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9) Streak the Drillfield: This is a little ballsy, but streaking would give those incoming freshmen an unforgettable campus visit. Be careful, if you get arrested and listed as a registered sex offender, it’s not our fault. 8) ”Let’s Go Hokies”: If you start the “Let’s Go Hokies” chant, orientation leaders are pretty much obligated to chant with you. 7) Hit on Attractive Moms and Dads: If you notice a parent that looks single, now is a perfect time to work your mack game. They’ll love the attention and their kid will love all the tips you have for freshman year. Bonus points are awarded if convince the single parent to go downtown for some drinks. 6) Pretend You’re a Tourist: This one is easy and hilarious. Hide your backpack in a bush somewhere, and assert yourself to the front of the pack next to the guide. Then, ask a lot of unnecessary and obnoxious questions that you wouldn’t ask if your parents were there. 5) Fake Drug Deal: Get a friend in on the prank with you. Then, gather some oregano in a little baggy. Finally, have your friend and you stop right next to the tour group and blatantly make a fake exchange while drawing attention to yourselves. 4) Walk of Shame: If you happen to be making a walk of shame early one morning and you see a tour group on campus, this is your chance. You’re already in public looking like a hot mess and reeking of vodka; you might as well display yourself to a group of innocent tourists. 3) Sex Sounds: If you live on a lower floor dorm room, open your window wide. Start banging your bed frame against the wall and make sex sounds as a tour group walks by. This will certainly make a few highschoolers blush in front of their parents. 2) Shotgun Beers: Why? Why not. There is never an inappropriate time to day drink, and class is more or less over. We need to show these incoming freshmen that Virginia Tech knows how to drink.

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1) “Thanks for your Daughters!”: The Virginia Tech student body is only 42% female, so while you may think it funny to spook some dads, they’ll be getting the last laugh when their daughter ends up at UVA.

@Dr_Sillycone wrote this

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The Black Sheep Commencement Speech sophia p wrote this Hokies and Black Sheep of the graduating class of 2012, Congratulations, we’ve made it. Yes, somehow, through the Adderall-fueled all-nighters, the whiskey-inspired revelations, the thousands of dollars spent downtown, the reoccurring heartbreaks, the depressing uncertainties, the papers composed entirely of plot summaries from SparkNotes and Wikipedia, and the last minute assignments we have found a way out. We have succeeded. Now, before we turn to face our futures, it is time to reflect on the moments that have truly defined us over the past four years. Looking back on your college experience what case can you make for your education? By that I mean, what lessons can you latch onto that have proven invaluable to who you are today? I’d like to hope that you no longer identify with that gangly, 20-pounds-lighter freshman; a former self who was too nervous to day drink on the Drillfield, or not ballsy enough to argue with your biology professor about an assignment you didn’t actually do. I commend you graduates, and I hope you have come to realize that your most defining moments were established sometime after that fifth beer, and that enjoying your youth and your freedom has so much more to do with your interactions with other people and so much less with the moments in which you choose to focus on yourself. It’s necessary for me to stress the importance of these nontraditional lessons because of how important they will be in shaping the rest of your life. Figuring out who you are in col-

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lege relies in your ability to push beyond your previously-held definitions of morality and “normal”. It is in the uncomfortable, drunken, mad moments that we as students truly understand what it means to be tolerant of others – and the true path selfdiscovery. To dance with the opinions of your polar opposites, to drink with the high rollers and bottom-feeders alike, to be open to the lessons of the sweating, frothing, passions of our peers is to be young, free, and educated. I hope that you have experienced the panic of splurging your entire savings on cigarettes and boxed wine. That you have sung with the masses to the chorus of “Wagon Wheel” at closing time in your favorite bar. That you have cheered yourself hoarse alongside 66,000 fans at your last home football game. That you have taken a risk to ask out that girl sitting in the coffee shop. I hope you realize that your college education comes not from credit hours and group projects, but big mistakes and spontaneous adventures. And that your most defining moments of personal success have nothing to do with the B- you received in your 4000-level senior seminar. I wish for you all to go outside, to appreciate a state of mind that is elevated and altered by substance, circumstance, and environment. I wish for you to appreciate the last few weeks of your independence – your college experience – more than you ever have before. I hope you always strive for a higher quality of acceptance and understanding in the world around you. And I need for you all to feel young, act wild, and live free like me, because now is still the time to do so. Believe in something, be

The Black Sheep at Virginia Tech

strong in it, and never stop challenging what society presents as established. Change your minds, exhaust your bodies, exercise your desires, and kindle the fire keeps you hungry for knowledge. I wish for you all way more than luck. Sophia P.

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Bartenderof the Issue Nickname: Manimal Relationship status: Single

Justin Derrow TOTS What’s the most popular drink at TOTS: The Rail

hold it against me?” My favorite line - “Are you from Ireland? Cause when I see you, my penis is Dublin.”

Most annoying thing Hokies do at a What’s your biggest pet peeve?: bar: Saying “excuse me, excuse me” or snapping fingers at us trying to get a People who don’t tip. drink. Be patient, you will be served. Favorite drink to drink: Something What’s your dream job? Owning my with alcohol in it. own bar. What’s the best hangover cure you know: Hair of the dog, or plenty of Favorite drink to make: Fun Dip sleep. Sex has also been known to help. What was your sloppiest/funniest drunk moment? So many to choose Favorite fictional bar: MacLaren’s Pub from. But, probably when I was on a What qualities should a good from How I Met Your Mother bartender have? Have you picked up scavenger hunt downtown, and you got any unexpected skills from this job?: 1000 points for getting a tattoo. I now Favorite bar in real life: TOTS and have TOTS with a little heart tattooed Speed, pageantry, theatrics, and a Champs on my back. great personality. Put on a good show How long have you been a bartender?: and have fun. An unexpected skill I How has this job affected your life: have acquired is cutting lemons and August 2011 I’ve become primarily nocturnal, my limes faster than Fruit Ninja. grades have declined, but my social What is one thing your drunk self status has increased. Totally worth it! Do you get hit on by customers, can be seen doing?: Dancing, singing and if so, what is the worst pick up karaoke, spending too much money, Do you want to give out any shoutline you’ve ever heard? What’s your and making an ass of myself. favorite pick up line?: I’ve been hit on outs? Yeah, to all of my TOTS family. a few times. Worst line - “If I told you The greatest group of people I’ve ever What is your favorite food at TOTs?: known. that you have a nice body, would you Ribs and fried green beans Liquor or beer: Both please!

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recipe for disaster:

Candy Sushi

Sushi is one of the most fun foods to eat. There are hundreds of different types, and each is delicious. However, the fishy flavor of normal sushi isn’t for everyone. That is why we have taken sushi, removed everything fishy about it, and added tons and tons of sugar, something everybody can enjoy! What You’ll Need: Fruit Roll-Ups, Rice Krispies Treats, and any candy of your choice. Cook Time: Dos minutos. Fatty Factor: You’ll get one hell of a sugar high. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay out the Fruit Roll-Ups with the plastic still on. - Take your Rice Krispies Treats and lay them on the Fruit Roll-Ups like a layer of rice. - Here’s the fun part: add candy to your sushi. We suggest gummy worms and Swedish Fish. - Remove the wrapper, roll up your sushi, cut it into little bites, and voilà! Make this treat even more unhealthy for you by dipping it into some sides like chocolate or maple syrup. Hell, go for straight sugar like a true sugarfiend.

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Parents say the

Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.

darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”

And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?” “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all showing

off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.

LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino, Gain the money Oprah Doe! “I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”

“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.

Drake- “The Motto”

Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”

ern Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”

“This song is definitely about drug use.”

Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.

“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in south-

owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming

“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.” “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The

disco ball is hanging from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.

Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it. “This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “

Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.

Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care. “I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.”

Verdict: Neither do we.

summer

blockbusted How movies that look so right

could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.

The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner Gordon becomes A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?

Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this…this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the cold-blooded Mark Zuckerberg.

universe, and Ridley Scott is decidedly different from stuffmy-pants-so-full-with-money-mygunt-gets-paper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, call-backs and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.

a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very goodness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.

The Campaign

Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:

but might just turn out okay Men in black 3

After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John

Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.

Snow White and the Huntsman

In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”

Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. (Each character awkwardly stares at of reality, the movie quickly the other for thirty seconds.) spirals to a dark place rife with one-liner one-upmanship until It doesn’t work. Instead of havthe audience’s heads simultaneing a comparatively sane character ously explode. And that’s bad for to keep the film set in some sort repeat viewings.

that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.

magic mike

This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”

The Amazing Spiderman

So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us mega-frownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker is supposed to be a snarky dick, than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film not a whiney pussy. We have you heads in this direction. Peter Parker on watch, Garfield.

movies that look crappy

Brave Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not cause for

concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.

rock of ages

Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.

ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.

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Saundra Michelle wrote this

So you’re starting to pack all of the crap that you’ve managed to load into your room over the past 9 months. Every person you’ve managed to wave out in your hall stops by to inform you that they will miss you more than life itself. Well congratulations, Mr. Popular. As much as you smile and hug these people, you will not miss the special ones that managed to somehow make each day in the dorm slightly less fun that having your hair pulled out by an ox on steroids. If you are unsure of whom these Grim Reapers of Sanity are, see if you recognize any of the following: The Negative Nelly: Oh, you know her. Somehow each time you ask her how her day has been she manages to be more miserable than you were on the day your childhood pet died. She is either crying, whining, or sleeping away the pain that is her miserable life. She can’t even smile long enough for you to actually know if she even has teeth. Quite honestly, the only time she’s not complaining is when she’s listening to you complain about that one girl in the hall that is always so fucking sad. As she agrees and then goes on to tell you about her top ten most horrible days of her life, you just sit in smile and you wait for someone to just put her out of her misery. The Drunk Bitch: Have you ever been woken up at 3 in the morning by your neighbor screaming at the top of her lungs because: a) she can’t find her keys and b) she just consumed her body weight in jungle juice and Jell-o shots? Then it’s probably because you don’t live near this girl. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting white-girl-wasted too. The problem with this girl is that your hatred for her in the wee hours of the morning transfers to the daylight hours, in which even a smile from her

makes you want to drop kick her hungover ass in the face. The Angry Asshole: This hallmate is usually the male version of the drunk bitch. However, instead of acting like a total slut and undressing in the hallways, he throws chairs down the hall and kicks the vending machines. Somehow he manages to fit every curse word under the sun in to one sentence as he yells through his keyhole to wake up his slumbering roommate. Sadly, the roommate has already invested in the strongest ear plugs ever known to man as he, and everyone else, has been dealing with this shit for an entire year. That Guy You Never See: Unlike the people who you’ve seen and heard way too much of, this is the one person that you didn’t know existed for the first six months of school. You’re not even completely sure where exactly his room is, as you have no idea what his name is. One turn of your head and he completely disappears. Drunk you probably screamed at him a few times. Hell, you may have even had a conversation. At the end of the day you don’t know him, and he doesn’t even want to know you, thinking that you are the drunk bitch or the angry asshole. You will later yearn to learn his invisibility skills as you move into yet another dorm with a whole new pool of idiots. It’s okay to hate your hallmates. It’s even more okay to wish them off the face of the planet. But congratulations, because this is the end. While you spend your time toasting to your first high-paying job, they’ll be drinking to cover up the tears that go along with their mediocre entry-level jobs. Karma’s a bitch, maybe they should have been decent human beings freshman year of college.

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