Clemson - Issue 2 - 1/23/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 4, Issue 2

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

FRE TIC E... LIK KET E GIV OUR EAW SUP AY O ER B N P OWL AGE 3!

1/23/14 - 2/5/14

THE 6 PEOPLE YOU MEET ON THE CAT BUS BY: CLEMSONBAB When you take a tour of our oh-sobeautiful campus before coming to Clemson, the tour guide will tell you about how fortunate we are to have the largest transit system of any college in the country. That’s right friends; we’re talking about the CAT bus. Unfortunately, the tour guides fail to warn prospective students of the townies and non-English speaking people who utilize our grand transit system on a daily basis. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep’s got you covered. Here are the 6 people you’re bound to run into on the CAT Bus. The assumed-to-be-deaf guy: This guy will blare his music so obnoxiously loud it’ll make your ears bleed, even though he’s sitting 30 feet away from you. He’s so into his “dope-ass” Juicy J song that he might even throw in a couple of dance moves that will A) make you laugh or B) creep you out. Either way, it’s just as entertaining as it is annoying. Throw him a dirty look and he may think, “Turn down for what?” Do the world a favor, and turn down your “jam” for society, please. The walk-of-shame girl: Heels on, makeup smeared and smudged all over, dress riding up her ass like she’s been twerking for hours. Ei-

ther homegirl slept in a bush, or she had a really good night downtown. We’re thinking the latter, considering her breath still reeks of Clemson Goodnights. She’s the girl you can expect to still be buzzed from last night and crying because she woke up full of regret and can’t find her dignity. Fortunately for you, you won’t hear a sound out of her due to her total embarrassment, but her hot-mess appearance alone is enough to entertain you. Talk about a win-win. The “townie”: She doesn’t have a car, she probably doesn’t have a job, and she definitely doesn’t have all of her teeth. This is the creepy old bag you need to steer clear of when choosing a seat. The townie is always looking for conversation, and she’s looking to talk your ear off about anything irrelevant. When she isn’t annoying you with improper pronunciations during conversation, she’s yelling at her kid for cussin’ in public. The “townie” jr.: As if having one dumb-ass country bumpkin lurking around Clemson wasn’t horrifying enough, there’s also a mini-townie that comes with the package. The townie jr. comes fully equipped with an annoyingly loud toy from the dollar store that he’ll

throw around the bus more than he’ll actually play with. You can expect Jr. to be annoying his townie mother with temper tantrums that will change your perspective on ever reproducing. This kid defines “little shit,” and just like his townie mom, he’ll be bugging you the whole ride. The foreign exchange student: You can find FES at the stop over by Sikes Hall, also known as “The Melting Pot,” considering hardly anyone there cites English as their primary language. It seems as if, even while riding the bus, they’re figuring out the scientific theory to the meaning of life. Unfortunately, these CAT bus go-ers aren’t nearly as entertaining as the others because they keep to themselves. However, expect these students to be awkward as hell if you ever approach them. Don’t even think about trying to interact with them, because they’re much more interested in silently contemplating quantum physics than small talk. The bus driver: Last but not least, the good ol’ bus driver. There’s not a happy medium in the mood of a bus driver when you embark on a CAT Bus journey. It seems like most of them wish the “if the CAT

bus runs you over you get free tuition” rumor were true since it’d lower the number of shitty strangers to drive around. These angry drivers are so bitter they actually won’t even pick you up if you’re standing on the “wrong side” of the road at a bus stop. Expect

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A LETTER TO THE MONSTERS WHO’VE INFILTRATED FIKE

FOOLPROOF 5-STEP GUIDE TO SPRING BREAK

GET YOUR SMELLIY BICEPS OUTTA HERE!

for them to bitterly ignore you if you tell them to “have a nice day,” because let’s be real, they’re still chauffeuring annoying college kids all day. Next time you hop on the CAT bus, just remember that you’ve been

START GETTING THOSE FAKE IDS ORDERED, IT’S ALMOST TIME FOR SPRING BREAK!

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warned. No matter the route, you’re bound to run into some weird shit and interesting people the second you step foot on board. Clemson Area Transit System, or a circus on wheels? We’ll leave that for you to decide.

PAGE 13

THE GUEYE WAY

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AN OPEN LETTER

THE

TOP

TEN

COLLEGE-RELATED JOBS YOU DON’T NEED A COLLEGE DEGREE FOR BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF

Back in class and already it’s a drag! College, the learning part is such a bummer, right? Well then just drop out, you big dummy. Here are ten jobs that’ll let you still feel the warming glow of college life without having to worry about getting one of those pesky degrees.

To the Monsters Who’ve Infiltrated Fike BY: HASHTAGSRAT Dear loathsome gentlemen of Pickens County, Get out of the “Multipurpose Room” in Fike. Like, I mean it. For eons and eons, the entrance-level weight room in Fike has served as sweet, sweet respite from the spandex-wearing runners and ‘roided out New Jersey transplants—a place the girls of Clemson could call home. Filled with brandspanking new ellipticals, fancy Gazelles just like the ones that get hawked on infomercials, and enough bouncy balls, stretching apparatuses, and abs mats to please a personal trainer, the Girls’ Room in Fike was truly a safe haven. Since Title IX cruised in during the ‘70s and ruined all of our sexist fun, there’s also an unofficial boys counterpart. The Testosterone Pit sits in the bottom of Fike, boasting plenty of heavy things to bench press and countless boys grunting as they get swole. Reeking of protein powder, sweaty socks, and strained attempts at uber-masculinity, the Testosterone Pit is the epitome of a macho gym, the very epitome of my worst nightmare. With that room reeking of nut sweat and latent homosexuality, echoing with grunts and redolent with grimaces, the Testosterone Pit personally screams “Zone of uncomfortably overt homoeroticism, literal He-Man Woman Haters Club,” practically begging for girls not to enter. However, a select group of young harlots struts down into the depths of exercise hell regularly, lifting weights with the best of them in a self-described attempt to “get super fit,” although any girl exposing herself to such a horrific environment seems to be trolling not for health, but for the d. I thought we were safe in our feminine haven, but since any action must have an equal and opposite reaction, or so I hear, a select

group of guys have infiltrated the unofficial ladies Multipurpose Room. Guys of the Girls’Room, Fike is HUGE. The Testosterone Pit is quite literally its own floor, and there are cardio machines, punching bags, and various basketball or squash courts littering the whole complex like empty cases of Natty after game day. Most curiously, the machines in the Girls’ Room are generally what one would find in a starlet’s home gym, all promising to give the gentlest of cardio workouts, to lift one’s ass and tighten one’s legs without actually requiring one to run or swim or exercise for real. Quite literally, the only way that those machines could scream “PC ’12 hits the gym!!” any more loudly is if they were stocked with SmartWater and painted in lime and white chevron. While gender conformity is by no means necessary, and can be very emotionally taxing and socially restrictive, can’t a girl try to do some Gwyneth Paltrow-inspired cardio in peace? More importantly, the Girls’ Room assuaged a vain population from the indignity of potentially getting gross in front of a cute boy. When boys come to the Girls’ Room, the illusion that we ladies of Clemson are just this cute and fit without having to do some heavy lifting disappears entirely, taking effortless beauty off of the table. Furthermore, squats, lunges, and other such horrific but necessary activities can feel quite sexual under the wrong circumstances; while we might mimic squats and lunges in the gentle half-light of fraternity bases in a manner most horrific to all fathers and boyfriends, it’s not exactly precious under the harsh Fike lights. So, dudes of Clemson, do us a favor—stick to your sweaty pit of masculinity so we can cultivate our spring break bodies in peace.

10.) Person who unironically works at the Salvation Army when a college student goes there to buy a costume: Oh, the joy you’ll feel when you (yes, you!) see that petulant sophomore buy that $4.99 suit you’ve been eying for that job interview at the cracker factory next week. You’ll positively squeal with joy when he talks about cutting the sleeves off of it so he can be “a fuckin’ redneck CEO” for the party. 9.) Dorm janitor: Listen, no one will tell you that cleaning up puke every day is a life dream, and my job would sure be a lot easier if these guys would just trim their pubes over the sink. That said, fishing condom wrappers out of the garbage and leaving them strategically placed around my apartment so my roommates think I’m getting laid is a lot easier than actually getting laid. 8.) Beer deliveryman (or woman!): You’re not much of a romantic, but you can’t help but think of yourself as a descendent of those 1920s bootleggers you see in so many of those historical dramas. Hey, if the demand for warm Keystone Light is there, someone’s gotta supply it, right? The glory, man. The glory is all yours. 7.) Stripper hired for rush event: You’ve got the day circled on your calendar; you’ve been looking forward to it for months! Can you believe it’s finally here? Time to go to Tappa Kegga Alpha to pick some dollar bills off of the floor with your vagina. Hell, maybe you’ll offer them the opportunity to drilldo you for $300, rent is a little late, after all. 6.) Hobo: They love you! College students really love you! They keep showing you how to do all the new dance moves as long as you let them whip nickels at your feet. Little do they know, joke’s on them. With enough of those bad boys you’ll be able to afford a pint of vodka to make the tremors go away. 5.) Cafeteria worker: These 13-hour days of heavy lifting really help you avoid putting on the freshman 15 those stupid students have to worry so much about. Plus you get to save money on meals— they’ll let you eat anything that spends more than four seconds on the floor. Floor pizza is the best pizza, anyway. 4.) Vista customer service representative: It’s ok to live vicariously through others once in a while. You’re on the phone with someone who swears they didn’t mean to go over their dad’s credit limit to buy one’a them iPads you always see advertised on the TV. You don’t even know why someone would want one of ‘em, there’s not even an Ethernet port to plug it into the internet! 3.) Small-town taxi driver: You’re telling me that college students will pay me money for them to show me where all the good parties are? Hey! Hey! No! Stop! You’re not allowed to play with those binoculars in the glove box. 2.) Jimmy John’s deliver driver: Hah, no dude, I totally get you, you’re in college and you can’t afford to tip me; makes total sense. Here, let me just call my wife and let her know that her and our two sons are having day-old bread for dinner again. Man, I hope I can steal some mustard packets from work. 1.) Person who prints degrees: It seem like just yesterday you were slavin’ away at the ole’ degree mill to earn a piece of paper that would make you a “doctor” or some shit like that. Hah, the fools! Now it’s you who wields the power. If you want little lawyerin’ Jonny to be a sociology major, you have the power to print that, and it’ll only be the fourth time this week you’ll get reprimanded by your boss who ::yank yank:: has a degree in business administration.

ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD YOUR OWN REALITY SHOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED? Kate

The Black Sheep’s Foolproof 5-Step

Guide to Spring Break

“Real Housewives of G-Vegas”

edith Mel and Mer

BY: COURTNEY PAUL Planning a vacation as a college student is difficult, especially when you remain in denial of planning, blinding convincing yourself that somehow something will come together and you won’t have to lift a finger. You’re wrong. Girls are busy Pinteresting pages upon pages of thinspiration, tub of Spill the Beans in hand – it’s cheat day, okay? – while boys sit back and convince themselves that a beer belly is actually a rite of passage, and that chicks totally dig the look. But before you try on those spring break bathing suits, you better make sure you actually have somewhere to wear them. Fortunately, to make such the daunting task of planning easier, The Black Sheep has compiled a guide on exactly how to secure the greatest spring break ever. It’s time you learn something. Book early: If you’re reading this and haven’t yet grabbed a travel agent or a PRTM major, you’re behind. From here, vacancy only goes down and prices only go up. It’s like a Clemson education. With more applicants and a rising value of degree, it’s not shameful to wonder if you would still be accepted if you applied today. So take that wonder and apply it to your spring break reservations. The clock is ticking. Invite friends wisely: Now that you’re back with us after a long Google binge of beach houses and condos and are ready to commit to that perfect getaway, per our advice, take another pause to think of the guest list. It’s important that you choose friends you know will still be your friends when the big day rolls around. The girl who spreads drama like candy, all while insisting that she, “like, hates drama”? Leave her home. And that guy who you’re sure is part chameleon, since he manages to change his personality every time you turn around? He’ll find other plans. Invite only the besties for the resties and wave goodbye to anyone and everyone else – they’re not worth it.

Invite the exceptions: Every rule has an exception, and, in this case, it’s rule number 2. It’s important that you have everything you’re going to need for your vacation – food, alcohol, a lawyer – and if you have to secure those needs through a not-so-great friend, then so be it. If drama queen’s daddy buys her anything she wants, including pitchers for the table every karaoke Tuesday, then she may attend as an asset. And if chameleon boy is the son of an elite Chucktown lawyer, he may be extended the same treatment. You may not be thrilled to be spending a whole week with them, but we assure you that you won’t be thrilled spending a whole week sober and in jail, either. Go legal: With the ever-replenishing stock of SLED agents roaming around Clemson, you have enough trouble avoiding consequence for your poison, whether it be an MIP, a Disorderly Conduct, or some other crime of passion. So for spring break, ditch the panic and anxiety of your illegal activity, and choose a location where your habits are not only allowed, but encouraged. We’ve seen more than a few undercovers snatch away some drunk sophomore’s pitcher downtown, but we can’t say we’ve ever witnessed a mass MIP raid of Seńor Frogs, Cancun.

“Little Mel, Big Mer”

Kristen

Don’t sweat it: Don’t let the idea of spring break ruin your spring break. With all the hype surrounding the famed college vacation, it’s hard not to let your expectations skyrocket to dangerous levels. Even if you don’t land the perfect all-inclusive resort, even if you don’t remember your favorite hat, or your lucky koozie, or your passport or whatever - it will still be one hell of a week. Just keep your head up. Or tilted back for that inaugural spring break beer shower. Whatever works. Equipped with these golden nuggets of advice, you now have earned the right to scoff in the face of peasants stressing to put together last-minute plans, or, worse yet, the poor wretches that just booked a flight home. But, better yet, you’ve earned the right to one amazing spring break. And while you’re enjoying that amazing spring break, pour one out for us, your guide. Just kidding, take that bad boy to the face and pray you remembered to book the flight home.

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$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

FRIDAY

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8PM $1.50 Mystery Beers at 10PM

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

SATURDAY

Flaturday Special 2 flatbreads and a bucket of beers for just $12.95

$2.50 Fireball Shots

$3 Liquid Marijuana, $3 Bahama Mama’s

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

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Closed

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All You Can Eat Sushi $12.59

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TUESDAY

Tourney Tuesday at 10pm

$5.75 Large Pizza, $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night

WEDNESDAY

Add Larry Friar on Facebook for Daily Specials!

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

SPECIAL NIGHT THURSDAY

SUNDAY MONDAY

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings

Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$8 for a dozen wings, 1/2 off appetizers

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

PALMETTO’S

The Grid

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ASK THE WAITRESS ABOUT THE HOT WINGS CHALLENGE. CAN YOU DO IT?!

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THURSDAY

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Service, Service, Service

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FRIDAY

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$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Tigers Headquarters!

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SATURDAY

Signature Dish Combo: Choose two (shrimp and grits, creole jambalaya, Brunswick stew) and a salad.

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

Oyster Bash & Shrimp Jam: Oysters: $0.75 Raw & Steamed, $1 Grilled and Buffalo, $1.50 Dragos or Rednecks, Shrimp: $0.75 Steamed, Blackened, Grilled, Buffalo, or BBQ, $1 Bud Light Drafts

All You Can Eat Wings!

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MONDAY

Low Country and Crawfish Boil $3 Vodkas

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

Twosday! Two burger baskets & a pitcher of beer for $12!

TUESDAY

All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WEDNESDAY

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

THURSDAY

(Takes 30 minutes to prepare so call ahead or order when you arrive.)

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS

THE CEREMONIES BY: BRENDAN

“We don’t tend to look at [The Ceremonies] as a band, but instead as

Do you have a sibling? Sure you do. Do you fight like two cats in a wet burlap sack? Duh. Well then, you’ll be shocked to know The Ceremonies—Matt, Michael and Mark—are brothers. In a band. And they’re all alive. That is, unless the fourth brother, Mitch, is buried somewhere. The California trio was nice enough to talk to us about their self-titled EP and upcoming tour, coming soon to a large metropolis near you.

fine art.”

The Black Sheep: How long have you three been playing music together? Matthew Cook: We began playing acoustically—not as an official band—at the start of high school. We were doing a lot of cover songs, playing for fun at local charities and gigs. We started playing officially-- as a band-- a couple of years later. TBS: Who proposed turning this into a real project? Matthew: I always had bands growing up, and my brothers Mark and Michael would fill in when we had absent band members. As they were finishing high school I was beginning college, and I had some songs written that I wanted to put together. All of a sudden it occurred to us that we had a band right in front of us, and we had never acted on it. TBS: So who decided the roles within the band? Matthew: Since I write the music, I know who is doing what from the get-go. I’ll think in my head, “Mike can do this, and Mark can do this,” but I also think about who can best do what on stage. We don’t have set parameters with who plays what. TBS: How would you describe yourself as a group? Matthew: Sonically, it’s a conglomeration of 80s Manchester new wave instrumentation and arrangement combined with a 60s traditional vocal harmonies with contemporary feel. That’s how we think of The Ceremonies sonically, but we don’t tend to look at it as a band, but instead as fine art. TBS: What do you mean it’s more fine art? Matthew: We think that the notion of a “band” is pigeonholing—that these are artists who sing and dance, it’s an act. It’s a limiting term. We’re more interested in concepts and carrying those out the best way we can. Music is our primary medium for that, but we definitely spend a lot of time painting and writing poems and making videos. The best comparison we can bring up is the Talking Heads and David Byrne. Stop Making Sense is a performance art piece. They integrate props to get your mind going. TBS: Having aspirations that just aren’t musical, how do you

deal with the business side of this? Matthew: We have control over our decisions. That’s something we really love about our labels, Atom Factory and Capitol, they let us make our decisions. For the most part we have a lot of freedom to carry out ideas as we see fit. TBS: How do you guys define success, then, as musicians? Matthew: The answer to that is changing daily. As artists we hope to affect as many people as we can. We hope to alter someone’s mindset, how to have a more open perspective and how to live more genuinely. Numbers on social media are the main medium bands have to see what their demographic is, so that’s what we look at. TBS: What was your creative approach to your self-titled EP, The Ceremonies? Matthew: The EP started with me writing a bunch of songs throughout high school and college—having these ideas in mind and maintaining this sense of childhood wonderment. I wanted to write music about finding sense of childhood within your inner adult. Then we met our producer Danny Garibay, brought him a bunch of those songs, and increased the production value. We decided which ones to put on the EP, and

put it together. TBS: You noted you’re the primary songwriter, but what does a discussion about creative decisions look like? Matthew: It’s been in the later stages. For example, with “Ballroom Bones” I had the demo recorded, and when we brought it to Danny we ended up adding a whole bunch of parts that became integral parts of the song. There’s a guitar line that became a big part of the song, and we decided on that together. Definitely there’s collaboration, but it happens later on. TBS: But how much change can happen when lyrics are a huge component to the tone of a song? Matthew: For sure, lyrics are important. For us, they’re at least 50% of the song—they hold the meaning. As an artistic collective that doesn’t want to be bound to the notion of just being a band, we hold a lot of our meaning in the song itself, which comes from the word. It’s interesting, though, a lot of people are selective listeners who listen more to the music than the words, and for those people there’s a process that has to be carried out where the atmosphere of the song has to match the lyrics. TBS: What goes into translating this live? Do you aim to have it be close to the studio as you can, or do you want it to sound like the studio? Matthew: I think there are inevitable differences between the live sound and the recording. You have a lot more creative control with recording. We’re not interested in replicating the song on the record as much as we are creating a new experience live. It’s like, every time you read a book, you read it differently. It’s the same book you’re reading, but you paint different imagery in your mind. A song doesn’t have to be all new, but we like to pitch it in a new way. TBS: What’s your stage show like? Matthew: We’re going out on our second tour—this time with Glasvegas—from February to March. It’s not so much us trying to impress the audience as much as it is letting yourself get lost in the music. If you can do that, then the audience will feel like it’s musical theater or something—if you’re into it, the audience will feel it as well. TBS: Then what makes a good show or a bad show? Matthew: I guess just audience reaction. We’re really interested and committed to this idea of performing full-out. I’d rather sing a high note and have my voice crack than be too timid to go for the high note. We’re going for genuine emotion.

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Math: What is -12 x 6 / 3? 2) History: The Battle of Dunkirk occurred during what war? 3) Film: What actor was working as a carpenter before being discovered and casted by George Lucas? 4) Literature: What William Golding young adult novel prominently features a conch shell as a sign of dominance? 5) Hip-Hop: What artist has both the #1 and #4 best-selling hip-hop album of all time?

SAVANNAH of WINGIN’ IT

DRINKING GAME Word Calisthenics Words are what make this world, even when they’re slurred. Without them, a hammer would literally not be a hammer, it’d be a…it’d be something else. Work on your wordplay, with beer! What You’ll Need: Beer, a creative mind. NO ACCOUNTING MAJORS ALLOWED. Number of Players: 2 Level of Intoxication: You’ll go from being a wordsmith to blowing them up into wordsmithereens. How to Play: -Begin by having one player say a 3-letter word. For example, “cat.” -The other player must then name another 3-letter word that begins with the last letter of the previous word. For example, “cat” becomes “tap.” -If a player names a word that both begins and ends with the last letter of the previous word, then the word expands by 1 letter. For example, if “cat” becomes “tot,” then the next word must be 4 letters long and begin with “t.” -This continues until one player cannot name a word of the appropriate length. -No shortened words (“tat” for “tattoo,” for example), abbreviations or proper nouns are allowed. -Words cannot be repeated. -Drink each time a player expands a word by a letter. -Drink each time someone tries to use a word that has already been said. -Drink each time a vulgarity is used. The Game Ends When: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. Duh.

6) Food: Traditionally, chorizo is made with what type of meat? 7) Space: What country recently landed their first lunar rover on the moon? 8) America: Until 1820, Maine was part of what American state? 9) Currency: Egypt’s currency is a derivative of what European currency? 10) Religion: In Judaism, what separates a bar mitzvah and a bat mitzvah?

Savannah’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) 24 2) WWII 3) Tom Ford 4) Lord of the Rings 5) Eminem 6) Pork 7) China 8) Vermont 9) Euro 10) Gender

1) -24 2) WWII 3) Harrison Ford 4) Lord of the Flies 5) Eminem 6) Pork 7) China 8) Massachusetts 9) English Pound 10) Gender

Savannah’s Score: 5 out of 10

RECIPE for DISASTER Deep Fried Oreos It’s a few weeks into the new year, and you know damn well that this means that “get fit” resolution is knee-deep in assorted chocolates and sweets that your grandma purposely gave you just to totally screw you over. Luckily, deep frying is always the best answer for shameful weight frustration. What You’ll Need: A bag of Oreos, 2 cups of biscuit mix, 2 eggs, 1.5 cups of milk (whole milk, don’t be a pussy), 3 teaspoons of oil, and enough vegetable oil to deep fry a small animal. Cook Time: About 10 minutes Fatty Factor: See: “deep fried.” Let’s Get Baked: - Mash up that biscuit mix with the eggs, milk, and the 3 teaspoons of oil until it’s as smooth as your roommate’s reaction after walking in on him “exploring” himself. - Preheat your deep fryer/pan to about 375° Fahrenheit, or Celsius if you’re feeling a little adventurous.* - Put the Oreos in the batter and soak those suckers up until you can smell the impending dissatisfaction. - Carefully toss the Oreos into the deep fryer/pan. - Once the Oreos are brown on one side, flip them over so the other side gets some action. - Scoop out the Oreos once they’re fried/burnt to your liking and let them cool/drain on a paper towel before shovin’ them in your mouth. It’s probably best to prep this one before you go out for the night. The Black Sheep has only played with a deep fryer once, and that’s all we can really say legally. *Seriously, don’t do that. We think your face looks better when it doesn’t have searing, explosive grease all over it.

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THE GUEYE WAY

How an impoverished boy from Cameroon became one of the greatest athletes of all time BY: DAN COLLINS As confetti showered upon him from the rafters of the Georgia Dome, Duna Gueye couldn’t help but think about how far he had come from his humble beginnings. Born into an impoverished family in Yaoundé, Cameroon, Gueye was thrust into a world of corruption and political unrest. Realizing he was unlikely to escape the life he had inherited without a miracle, Gueye began playing cornhole at age 8 by tossing a sack filled with hardened rabbit feces at a slightly diagonal stone with a hole in it. By the time he was twelve, he could finally afford the fabric to make a real bag, this time with hardened corn kernels. By thirteen, he was virtually unbeatable. Unfortunately, there was not much money to be made tossing corn in Cameroon. If Gueye was ever going to get out of this life, it would take more than cornhole. With this is mind, he decided to try his hand at basketball. 6’3” at only thirteen, he took to the sport quickly. By the time he was sixteen, he was 6’11” and the top basketball prospect in Cameroon, but he still dreamed of cornhole glory. Unfortunately, Gueye would have to put his dreams on hold. Upon return from a basketball tournament, Gueye realized sending him to these tournaments was causing his family to nearly starve, so he offered them the only thing he could: the corn from his cornhole bags. A year removed from the death of his cornhole dreams, Gueye accepted a scholarship to Clemson University to play basketball. He hoped to join the NBA after only one year so he could afford to move his family to America. However, only two weeks into his first year of school, Gueye was diagnosed with a heart condition that would be life-threatening if his heart rate rose above 80 beats per minute, effectively ending his basketball career and forcing him to learn to control his heart at all times. Fortunately, then-coach Oliver Purnell, allowed him to continue his schooling on scholarship. It was not until the following fall that Gueye, attending his first football tailgate, noticed there were people playing a familiar game across the street from Death Valley. After first refusing to return to the game he once loved, Gueye finally joined in and discovered that, while he was a little bit rusty, he was still a great talent. Plus, his ability to control his heart rate at all times helped him relax in high pressure situations. Over the next two years, Gueye spent his weekends finding games to play in and practice alone on weekdays. After his junior year

in school, Gueye dropped out of Clemson to join the pro circuit in the NAACP (National American Association of Cornhole Professionals). Gueye immediately burst onto the scene to shock the cornhole world by becoming the first rookie to ever reach the round of 8 in his first year in the NAACP championships. This was helped by a flu outbreak that made it so there were only 9 professional players available to play. The following year, Gueye became the youngest person to win the NAACP championship at the age of 22 (the previous record had been 58). Since then, the man they call “The Michael Jordan of Cornhole” has gone on to become a 5-time NAACP champion, undoubtedly the best cornhole player of all time, and one of the greatest athletes to ever live. Standing there in an area that holds over 70,000 people (426 seats of which were occupied), he could not help but think of the first time he threw a bag of shit in the general vicinity of a stone, and think about how far he had come.

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the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by this name. 6) The only dating service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson. DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of

what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?

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