The Black Sheep
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Volume 3, Issue 5 10/25/12 - 11/7/12
All Hallow’s Eve, College Style chris dart wrote this
Halloween used to be every kid’s favorite holiday. We got to dress up for school, stay out late, go trick or treating, and eat outrageous amounts of free candy. The only shitty part about Halloween was when our parents asked to “inspect” our candy for open packages, only to steal every single KitKat we just walked our asses all over town to collect. Oh, and that bitch who used to hand our nuts or apples or long hugs - she sucked. But now that we’re old, it would look sketchy as hell if we went out trick or treating throughout the CentralClemson-Pendleton area. But never fear, college is like being a kid all over again, but this time with booze! Yes, it’s “so college,” but getting dressed up in offensive, slutty, or offensively slutty costumes and drinking until everyone’s sexy is a fantastic way to honor Halloween. After all, you used to cram candy down your gullet until you yakked as a kid. Now you can get that nostalgic feeling when you’re vomiting on your Batman costume, just this time there won’t be little pieces of Skittles floating in the toilet. After having a few (too many), head downtown in your Halloween Costume and swap some spit with babes dressed as Katniss. Because there will be people dressed as Katniss. Lots. Or you could roam the streets of Chimney looking for a random party to crash. Just say you were invited - nobody questions Captain America. If getting drunk and going to TD’s dressed up as Joe Paterno’s corpse doesn’t sound very fun to you, then you’re a crazy person, but we won’t judge. Instead, you could stay home and watch some movies! Hocus Pocus is arguably the single greatest Halloween movie ever in the history of cinema But Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, Friday the 13th and any movie involving clowns are all pretty decent choices too. Pop some popcorn, grab a buddy and turn off the lights. If you really want to be a tight-butthole, go find some artsy Halloween movies, then you can prove how smart and antiestablishment you are! Scary movies don’t do it for you, huh? Not even Hocus Pocus? If you need something a little more hands on go find something scary to do. Look up any haunted sights around
Enough with the Pumpkin Flavors
the area and go explore them – Clemson is a notoriously haunted campus, so maybe just go sneak around some sorority houses because you’ll be creeped out, and people will find you creepy. Just don’t bring those ghosts back here. A haunted house is a great way to induce unrelenting fear sweats/farts. Head out to Greenville and pay some guy 30 bucks to make you piss your pants by jumping out and shoving a chain-less chainsaw in your face. You’ll be glad you did. Maybe. Possibly. Probably not. If you don’t want to go out but you don’t want to stay in, then you’re being way too f***ing difficult. You can go out but stay
what’s inside
Top 10: Halloween Costumes of 2012
close to home! Grab a pillowcase and relive your childhood by trick or treating around your apartment complex or dorm! People will either think you’re funny and drop a Pop Tart or a beer in your pillowcase, or they will think you’re creepy, spray you with mace and call the cops. Wear running shoes just in case. So don’t be a sourpuss in your room, wishing you were 10 years old again. Get up and do something. This is Halloween, the single greatest day in any kid’s life! And after all, we are all still pretty much big kids…big kids who can legally drink. Now that’s scary.
Halloween Costume Guide: THe Skank-O-Meter
now who thought pumpkin pie pringles was a good idea?
katniss everdeen will be at your halloween party.
where does your costume rank this year?
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contents page 5: Halloween’s Sexiest,
Sluttiest Costumes... For Men
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Women shouldn’t have all the fun this year!
page 6: A Real Scary Story
Table of
Turning on the TV to watch either Twilight or the Kardashians. We shudder at the thought!
page 7: From the streets What’s the sexiest halloween costume and why?
page 9: 7-Year-Old Boy Wanders on to Campus for Halloween, Nearly Seals the Deal Little Timothy leaves campus with more condoms than candy.
page 12: bartender of the week Kelli from TTT gets the hots for Goofy.
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word of the week Internpreter:
Colloquial term for a career center worker trained in parsing the vague language found in internship job postings.
“The internpreter I went to told me that ‘for class credit’ is just a nice way of saying an internship is unpaid.”
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Enough with the Pumpkin Flavors Chris Dart wrote this It seems like every year we have an increase in the number of goods that are specifically flavored or scented for the season they’re released. During winter, for example, everything is peppermint and gingerbread. In the summer, everything is PBR flavored. (Okay, maybe not, but that wouldn’t be so bad.) From candles to coffees to beers, it seems like nothing escapes these seasonal flavors. But while the winter season is ruled by peppermint and gingerbread, the fall is dominated by just one thing: pumpkins. Pumpkins are in literally almost every f***ing item you will buy from September to mid-November. But it’s not just coffees and candles. Oh no, it’s so much worse than that… Jones Pumpkin Pie soda: That’s right. Pumpkin. Pie. Soda. You think you like Pumpkin flavored everything? I’d bet my roommate’s nice-ass TV that you’d barely take one sip of this before you were lighting your tongue on fire to get the taste out of your mouth. What’s even worse is that this isn’t even Jones’ worst flavor. In 2005 they released a whole set of holiday meal-flavored sodas, complete with Turkey and Gravy soda, Mashed Potato soda and Green Bean Casserole soda. Needless to say the set was shortly discontinued, but the bitter disgusting legend of Pumpkin Pie soda lives on to warn us of the limits of the pumpkin-flavored trend. Pumpkin Pie Spice Pringles: While Jones Soda discontinued their product back in 2005, the Pringles Company has
just decided to release their Pumpkin Pie Spice chips this year. Early testing results yielded one reaction claiming the chips were a “horrible abomination to humanity.” I’m no scientist but it doesn’t seem to be a huge success so far. We all thought Pringles was thinking out of the box with their Pizza flavor (which is heavenly), but Pumpkin Pie Spice reminds us that not only are they thinking out of the box, they’ve lit the box on fire, drank a bunch of Pumpkin Pie soda, and peed on the ashes. Yuck. Pinnacle Pumpkin Pie Vodka: Pinnacle is yet another company known for their unique flavors. With vodka flavors like Bubblegum, Whipped Cream, Cookie Dough, and Cotton Candy, it was inevitable that they would one day jump on the Pumpkin-flavored bandwagon. They describe it as a “sweet taste of pumpkin blended with the smooth, spicy flavor of cinnamon and nutmeg, topped with a delectable dollop of whipped cream.” That’s just too much shit going on inside a bottle of 12-dollar vodka. Even more, how does one drink this? Shots? In Sprite? IN JONES’ PUMPKIN PIE SODA FOR A PUMPKIXPLOSION!? Pinnacle’s Pumpkin Pie Vodka would not only be revolting to drink, but imagine if you had one too many and ended up revisiting it in the morning, hunched over your toilet. Pumpkin Pie would be ruined forever, assuming Jones’ soda didn’t already take care of that.
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Halloween’s Sexiest, Sluttiest Costumes… for Men tex mex wrote this There’s always that one sourpuss who complains about how revealing women’s costumes are come Halloween, but let’s be serious here: No level of white knighted-ness is going to stop girls from partaking in such a rousing night of mini-skirts, bunny ears, or nothing at all. But with so many scantily clad sailors, soldiers and nurses, Halloween is growing a little stale on the female front. Here are some costume ideas for men so they can spice things up for that one night where guys can just be slutty for a change:
simply dropping off the goods. For one, it opens up windows of opportunity such as showing up to parties completely unannounced and at the worst possible time. You could even do something goofy like bringing a Sharpie along to have people “sign for their package” on your skin, which could either be phenomenally hysterical or abysmally traumatizing the next morning. Think Momento with less important reminders and more poorly-drawn penises.
French Manservant: Lace up a dude with heels, stockings, a blouse, and a little hat, and you’ve got yourself a bona fide French manservant who isn’t afraid to “get into those tight corners.” A guy can even add in a feather duster to accentuate his manly arms whilst getting some cleaning done around the apartment. No matter what accessories you tack on, you still won’t have to shave your legs.
Cupid: If girls can pass off concealing 10% of their skin as a costume, then a guy donning nothing more than a diaper/cheetah-print Speedo and a quiver full of phallic arrows should be acceptable. As the Angel of Love, you may not have the same appeal as a buff Tarzan or the Old Spice guy, but you instead have the responsibility of being one hell of a wingman. Even on Halloween, the line between “hilariously adorable” and “public indecency” is regrettably unclear.
David Bowie: It’s not cross-dressing, but it’s pretty damn close. If you have the time (and the funds) to turn yourself into the glitterdazzled, fire red-haired wonder that was 70s Bowie, then there’s no way you wouldn’t be able to get Ziggy with it. With enough androgyny to confuse Boy George, you’ll attract the eyes of both sexes no matter where you go with that skin-tight, god-knows-what-material suit and those sunken cheekbones that scream, “I’m not afraid to be ‘Under Pressure’!” Also, the Bowie Bulge, if any lesser man can manage it, is always a plus.
Genghis Khan: Was he the best looking ancient warlord? Probably not. But the power dynamic of being a fearsome, tyrannical conqueror of many a nation offers a hefty bit of attraction. But for a guy’s sexual sphere to peak at 2,000 to 3,000 women, there’s got to be an overlooked tender side to him. It’s either that, or Genghis Khan was just a complete and totally shameless man-whore. The armored costume might not be the most revealing of the night, but using “I’m the sluttiest emperor the Mongolian Empire has ever seen” as a pickup line will definitely cause some swooning.
UPS Man: Just to get it out of the way, yes, the endless barrage of your friends drunkenly sputtering, “Do you have a package for me?” and commenting on the thigh high short-shorts is going to grow tiresome, but being a UPS delivery man has way more benefits than
Slutty Abraham Lincoln: He’s America’s favorite sixteenth president and an absolute heartthrob. He may have not had the charisma of Bill Clinton or the spirited charm of JFK, but Abe Lincoln’s “Work hard, play hard” attitude (which was his campaign slogan) stands as
the staple for this costume’s rugged manliness and political promiscuity. Just toss on a top hat, a fake beard, prosthetic mole, and a pair of button pants with cufflinks, and you’ll be ready to emancipate this proclamation. If things become too risqué, just toss on a hoodie to become Casual Abraham Lincoln, one more focused on just chilling and having a lax time, man. Gentlemen, don’t be afraid to show a little skin this Halloween season. You’ve been hitting the gym hard enough; it’s time to show off what you’ve got. Unless you’ve already gained your freshman fifteen this early on in the year. In that case, just stay out of our sight, please. Or be a marshmallow!
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The Top 10
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A REAL Scary Story chris dart wrote this
Halloween Costumes of 2012 10.) Jersey Shore Cast Member: This is the last season of Jersey Shore, which means it’s the last year you’ll be culturally relevant if you dress up like one of these wastes of human life. Just GTL (Gym – Tan – Laundry) and you’ll be good to go. And surely you can find an Ed Hardy t-shirt to wear in any local garbage can. 9.) Flo from Progressive: Somehow, Flo has remained a staple in Progressive commercials for the last 4 years. As long as you wear an obnoxious amount of makeup, white clothing and have a nametag that reads FLO, you won’t have a problem explaining to people who you are. You will have trouble explaining why you chose this costume. 8.) Jerry Sandusky: What is scarier than a convicted child rapist? Very little. To dress as this piece of actual shit, grab any Penn State polo shirt and comb your hair over. Maybe have two friends wear helmets and no shirts and follow you around. You can even strap on some handcuffs!
In my 21 years of life, I’ve come a long way since I was hiding from my stuffed E.T. doll under my blanket. His eyes followed me wherever I went in my bedroom, taunting me. Obviously plotting to murder me the second I closed my eyes. It’s safe to say that we all had moments like this when we were young, watching a movie so scary we’re certain that there is a velociraptor in our closet that we piss our pants and cry until we pass out from exhaustion. But with age, we have all eventually come to understand that most of the things that made us piss the bed aren’t even real. But that’s not to say we don’t get scared anymore. It’s just that now, different things scare us… It was 10 p.m. on October 31st. Steve was cooped up in his room studying for his bio midterm. “What kind of dick professor gives a test at 8 a.m. the day after Halloween?” he thought to himself. Steve wanted to join his friends, all dressed up as the Power Rangers and about to head over to Chimney for a Halloween Party full of mystery and drunken face licking. He didn’t want to be all hopped up on Adderall, balls deep in the concepts of cell structure, instead of balls deep in a slutty Mrs. Potatohead. He slammed his head down on his desk and closed his eyes for a minute. When Steve opened his eyes, he was greeted by an alarm clock that read 11:27 p.m. He started studying again. “Endoplasmic Reticulum is…this one. Mitochondrion is…that.” As his eyes began to grow heavy he decided to take a study break. Turning on the TV, Steve, being a typical right-minded person, was disgusted to see that Twilight was on FX. As he flipped through the channels, Steve began to shake. Static, static, Honey Boo-Boo, static, static, Kardashians, static, static, Twilight. Something was gravely wrong. He turned off the TV, threw down the remote and decided instead to listen to some music to pass the time. “And now back to our One Direction music marathon, only on 99.6 WDIX.” Steve’s eyes widened as he smacked the off button. “What the hell?”
7.) Bane: While the mask will have to be purchased (unless you’re an expert welder, or in fact Bane himself), a big fur coat and suspenders are easy to find. This will likely be the go-to costume for big fat guys who think they’re actually jacked bad-asses. 6.) Zombies!: The Walking Dead is one of the best shows on TV. And the high ratings lead us to believe that Americans nut their pants over zombies. Tear up some clothes, put on some makeup and growl. Now you have an excuse to be extraordinarily creepy to that girl in your poli sci class! Lets just hope you don’t have to run from the cops. 5.) Barack Obama or Mitt Romney: With the 2012 presidential election looming in the upcoming weeks, Barack and Mitt will likely be one of the top costumes of 2012. Be sure to keep the guy who is dressed up as Mitt away from the guy who is dressed up as Big Bird, or shit could get real. 4.) Mayan: 2012 is the year of the Mayans. Since the world is ending in a few months, what better way to honor them than to get uncomfortably drunk while in their likeness? This gives you a chance to spout all the end-of-the-world jargon that keeps you up at night. 3.) Honey Boo Boo Child: This is likely to be one of the most overused costumes of 2012. A big fat person can squeeze into a tiny tutu with a wig and their belly hanging out, and we wouldn’t be able to tell you apart from the real thing. A dolla make you holla!! 2.) Anyone from The Avengers: The 2012 summer blockbuster gave us an abundance of super hero costumes to choose from. But please, don’t be that guy who wears regular clothes and says “I’m Bruce Banner before he turns into the Hulk.” There’s not trying and then there’s just intentionally pissing everyone off.
“Maybe I just need something to eat. I know! I’ll go get some Doritos Locos Tacos!” thought Steve. As he approached Taco Bell, he was shocked to discover that not only had Taco Bell closed for the night, but so too had the always reliable Cookout… at 11:30 p.m. “But... this is impossible. Cookout never closes,” thought Steve. The only fast food restaurant that was still open was…gulp…Arby’s. “Okay seriously, what is going on?” said Steve. “Screw it, I’m just going to grab a six pack from Bi-Lo and go back home to finish studying.” But as Steve walked through the foggy, dimly lit parking lot, into Bi-Lo and towards the beer aisle, his nightmare became even more of a reality. There was no beer. He scanned the aisle in a panic, asking for any sort of assistance. A crusty old clerk approached him and informed him of one final six-pack, at the end of the aisle. Steve began to sprint to the lone brews, arms extended outward, desperately reaching. Only to discover that the last six-pack was not beer at all, but O’Douls Non-alcoholic piss beer! “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” screamed Steve. He suddenly woke up in a sweat, back in his room, leaning over his bio textbook. The clock read 11:27 p.m. “It was all a dream!” said Steve as he laughed to himself, reaching for a beer. “What a nightmare,” he thought, pressing a beer to his lips. But after taking in a mouth full of his frosty brew, Steve spit it out and looked down at his bottle. It was O’Douls! And why he was balls-deep in an actual potato! “NOOOO!!!” Drink real beer responsibly, don’t end up like Steve. Happy Halloween!
1.) Katniss Everdeen: If you to take a shot every time you see someone dressed up as the bow-and-arrow-wielding heroine of the Hunger Games series, by the end of the night you’ll be 18 shots deep and on your way to a one night stay at Oconee Medical Center, courtesy of Katniss. Yeah, don’t do that. We love our readers.
Clemson staff wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
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What’s the sexiest Halloween costume and why? “Princess Leia in the gold bikini. It’s the fantasy of any guy who has ever seen Star Wars! I know it’s mine!” - Arvind, Senior
“A man in uniform! Pretty generic but obviously so attractive!” - Michelle, Sophomore
“Obviously depending on the attractiveness of the girl, I think the Eve costume (Adam and Eve) is really hot. It’s just the leaves. I’ve seen girls wear it downtown before and it’s very alluring.” - Travis, Senior
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7-Year-Old Boy Wanders on to Campus for Halloween, Nearly Seals the Deal honeycombs wrote this Timothy Collins, age seven, found himself in the middle of campustown late Wednesday night after being separated from his older brother. A resident of Clemson, Timothy was out trick-or-treating with his sibling when Matthew, age twelve, complained that his little brother was slowing him down saying, “The good candy will be all gone by the time we get there.” Matthew allegedly ran ahead of his brother until he was out of view. “The little snot,” as referred to by Matthew, then began to wander west towards campus until he found himself on College Ave. Timothy began to notice the adult juice-to-candy ratio rapidly increasing after he crossed Earle Street. He began to feel uneasy after being heckled by several passersby, while some threw half-empty beer bottles at Timothy’s feet. “I thought that dude was just some freshman looking for a party to sneak into or something,” Jeremy Singer, a junior in Advertising remarked after he reportedly called Timmy a “chubby little douchenugget.” After being shooed away by several doormen and even receiving a wristband at one bar, Timothy ventured away from what he called “the scary people street” and made his way south where he attempted to resume trick-or-treating. “No one gave me much candy, but I got a fun-sized Jose Cuervo and half of a Cook-Out Burger. I don’t know what either of those things are.” Timothy encountered several other drunken individuals as he made his way from apartment to apartment. “I saw a Pikachu, a witch, and a Teletubbie who showed me her boobies. They all smelled like my
Uncle Tony after Thanksgiving.” As Timothy continued along his way he was accosted by several men on the rooftop of a fraternity house. John Walker, senior in Chemistry remarked, “Yeah we saw this tiny skeleton walking down Alpha Beta, and we all thought, ‘holy crap, is that a dwarf?’ Right then we knew we needed that little bastard at our party.” Timothy, was invited into the party but was stopped at the door by one of the brothers. “Yeah, the guy at the front said that they’re a ‘top house,’ and if I tell people I’m a brother I can get any job I want and any girl I want. There’s nothing I can’t have. Mommy said those guys are what she calls ‘tools,’” Timothy explained about the encounter. Inside the party Timothy searched for candy but unfortunately for him his efforts were in vain. “They didn’t have any candy, but I did find a lot of plastic tubes that smelled like skunks and a whole box of little balloons called Magnums.” Timothy wandered about the dance floor where, according to eyewitnesses, several fraternity brothers lifted him up to crowd surf. Due to his reported “coolness” he was invited upstairs for a VIP party in one of the brother’s rooms. In this room was where Timothy ran into Jennifer Rawlings, freshman in Communication and reported “mattress queen” of the fraternity house. “I remember this cute guy walking in dressed up as a skeleton, and I figured that since none of the other brothers will touch me anymore I’d try my chances with him,” Jennifer commented. According to reports she took Timothy to an empty room and attempted to flirt with him, but was unsuccessful
when Timothy remarked that she was icky and had cooties. Upon exiting the room moments later, several fraternity brothers cheered for Timothy because, reportedly, “someone had finally blue-balled that bitch.” Timothy was then handed a formal bid by the president and was invited to play some ultimate Frisbee on Bowman Field at noon the next day. It was shortly after this incident that police arrived on the scene and busted the party. The police discovered Timothy there and thought it was just an innocent misunderstanding, but were forced to place the child under arrest for having several grams of marijuana in his trick-or-treating bag.
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the interview
the hush sound
The Hush Sound is a Chicago rock band that plays music and has also been known to eat food. After going on hiatus in 2009, they recently announced a reunion tour. To celebrate, we deigned to speak with vocalist and guitarist Bob Morris, as well as vocalist and pianist Greta Morgan. They were nice. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: What brought about The Hush Sound doing a reunion tour after being on hiatus for several years? Bob Morris: It was a perfect storm. We were happy just doing shows together once in a while, but our personal lives just all lined up. Greta and I got back in touch, we’ve grown in some cool ways and we’re all excited to play music together again, so we decided to tour. TBS: When you say, “getting back in touch,” what do you mean by that? Like, what to what degree did you guys stay in touch when you were on hiatus? Bob: Stressing about the break, or without the understanding of what we were, there wasn’t that much communication. Time heals all wounds. We realized that there wasn’t anything actually wrong, it was just issues we created ourselves. The day I quit this other band I instinctually called Greta. She’s like family, even if we were mad at each other at some point. Eventually we started hanging out and playing music, and we decided to do a tour. TBS: What’s it like preparing for a tour when you haven’t played music together regularly for several years? Greta Morgan: We take it on a show-by-show basis. We’ve played a few times a year for the past three years. Whether they were private college shows or hometown Chicago shows, we’ve been getting together, rehearsing the songs. Approaching these old songs, we can find something new in an old lyric, something that’s about our lives now. I mean, I wrote most of these songs before I graduated high school, and we put out our last album when I was 18, I think. TBS: So do you ever look back at your songs and say, “What the hell was I thinking?” Bob: Yes, I do think that sometimes. At the same time, when you say something and you’re young, it’s before you’ve seen anything in the world, so it’s this primal, reactionary thing. I think there’s something special about a band’s first album that is hard to replicate, but as you do it again you get better and better at expressing yourself. TBS: Is there anything where it’s just too embarrassing, where it’s just like, “No way we’re doing this song?” Greta: Oh yeah. Bob: Oh yeah. Greta: That’s what I was saying about finding something new about a song. There are a few songs during rehearsal where Bob would say, “There’s no emotion to your vocals,” but it’s hard to flash back to when you’re 16 so you can feel it. Bob would say, “Try it like it’s an instrument— like you’re a trombone player or it’s a flute.” Bob saying that all of a sudden shows you this old thing in a new way and you can find something new in it. TBS: What do you expect to get out of this short tour? Greta: It’s just an experiment to see how much fun we can have touring and playing together. Also, it’s really exciting to reconnect with fans that saw us in 2005 or 2006, their tastes have changed, as have ours. Beyond that, it’s wild to see these kids all grown up with their husbands or wives or kids. It’s a wild transition. Bob: And to your point about music taking on a new meaning, a friend of ours, Eric from Gold Motel (Ed. Note: Greta’s other band) just tweeted about how music you listen to when you’re 14 to 17 sticks with you. I know what he’s talking about—when I listen to some of the punk I listened to growing up, I think “Man, some of this is really awful.” TBS: Yeah, I know an embarrassing amount of KoRn songs. Speaking of touring, what’s the weirdest venue you’ve played in? Bob: We’ve played in a parking lot of Augusta, Georgia when the promoter didn’t have a PA, and a club in Long Island that had glass showers all around the club. Greta: Yeah, it was a strip club turned into a rock club. It was super-weird. When we started we’d play basements, Legion halls and VFWs. TBS: How do you engage with a crowd when you’re on stage? Greta: It’s really up to the band to start the ignition, but whether or not the audience responds in an excited, unguarded way, or if they stand back and just hang out, that determines how a show will go. Bob: And however potent the ecstasy is that we hand out before the show. TBS: Remind me to stop by your show.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
cloud atlas in theaters october 26
This trippy movie starring Tom Hanks and Halle Berry tells a tale of how your individual actions from way back in the day will effect what happens to you (and others) well into the future, even when “you” aren’t around anymore. Equal parts action, mystery, and romance, this film sees actors negotiate different roles in different points in the movie’s history. They’re the same, but different. Whoa, man, this is deep.
the walking dead sunday, october 28 at 9pm on amc
In the third episode of season three Andrea and Michonne are still struggling through the zombie apocalypse, but they do stumble upon a new community of survivors. Now an epic decision needs to be made; should they stay with them via the whole “power in numbers” philosophy, or should they stick with what they know? #zombieproblems
calvin harris - 18 months in stores october 30
18 Months is the third studio release from Scottish DJ and producer Calvin Harris, the same guy who brought you “Feel So Close,” the whimsical tune about the feelings EDM kids get when they take drugs together and go to a Calvin Harris show. His latest single “Sweet Nothing” features the lovely sounds of Florence Welch, which seems appropriate given the title of the song.
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week kelli ttt Major? Didn’t go to college… I hated school. Even though you didn’t go to Clemson do you still cheer for the Tigers? Of course! Favorite Drink? Beer. Because it’s awesome. Always has been and always will be. Worst Drink ever? Brown Liquor. Anything Brown.
What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job? “Wanna be bartender of the week?” What holiday/event is craziest at TTT? Every football game! Football is a holiday! How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight? How many you got? During the time at TTT, about how many numbers have you gotten on the job? Real or fake?
What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? John Mayer Hottest Disney character? Goofy. and Jennifer Aniston for no connected reason, even though they are connected. John Mayer is connected to anything Favorite place to party? Definitely TTT. with a vagina. We can definitely fit the most drunks in here!
the drinking game
hocus pocus For anyone who ever had an ounce of a real childhood, October is all about the Thirteen Nights of Halloween on ABC Family. Between sexy high school virgins and Sarah Jessica Parker as a witch, Hocus Pocus is bound to get anyone going. What You’ll Need: Beer and Hocus Pocus. Number of Players: As many as you can get. Everyone loves it, shouldn’t be too hard. Level of Intoxication: Great game to a get an early night buzz going. How to Play: - Sit back with some brewskies and watch Hocus Pocus. Anytime something on this list appears in the film, you must drink your beer for a few seconds. - Drink when: - A spell is cast. - Sarah Jessica Parker sings. - Someone mentions a virgin. - The black flame candle is mentioned. - Binks (in cat or human form) says “Emily.” - Max gets bullied. - Bette Midler says “sisters.” - Sarah Jessica Parker flirts. - The magic book’s eye moves. - If someone forgets to drink, they must shotgun a new can of beer. The Game Ends When: Spoiler Alert: The witches turn to stone! Shotgun your last beer, and enjoy the rest of the magical night.
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Recipe for Disaster
pumpk’n pudd’n ‘Tis the season for jack o’ lanterns and stealing candy out of the hands of little, helpless children (okay, we’re not that heartless. We leave them a Skittle or two). This will put your excess pumpkins to use, in case you have some leftovers after throwing your pumpkin guts at the neighbors. What You’ll Need: A pumpkin, rice, milk, brown sugar, and ground cinnamon. Cook Time: 45 minutes (but it’s well worth the wait!). Fatty Factor: You’ll get a hell of a sugar high but nothing too serious. Let’s Get Baked: - Combine 1 cup of rice, 3 cups of milk, and 1 cup of brown sugar in a saucepan. - Heat and stir until the mixture boils. - Continue to stir until rice is tender and most of the milk is absorbed. - Mix in a separate bowl 1 cup of mashed pumpkin and 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon. - Take your new mixture and put it into your heated concoction. - Stir in 1/2 cup of milk until it looks like a pudding mixture. - Let cool or chill in a refrigerator. - Once it’s set, dive on in and enjoy! If you’re trying to get real fancy wit’ it, sprinkle some cinnamon, pecans and whipped cream on top. This pudding will make you feel like you just got laid by someone who actually likes and respects you. No more pity sex, ever!
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Halloween Costume Guide: The Skank-O-Meter Zoe Kremke wrote this With Halloween just around the corner, there’s certainly a lot to look forward to: pumpkin carving, scary movies, and, of course, really slutty costumes! But it’s often hard to tell if a girl’s super skanky costume translates into you getting laid or them having daddy issues. After all, Halloween is the one day of the year when even the most conservative chicks least pretend that they’re up for anything, and manage to do a pretty convincing job. So, how do you tell if she’s a good girl playing bad or if she wants to treat you and lick that Blowpop? Spoiler alert: It’s all in the costume. Level Five: Slutty Monster: This is a dead giveaway for a goodie-two-shoes playing dress up. Honestly, how slutty can Frankenstein or his bride get? The answer is not very. Monsters are scary, no matter how much cleavage you show. Who thinks of zombies and sex simultaneously? Nobody, unless you’re into necrophilia. Nice try, Slutty Ghoul, you’ve been spotted as the straight-edge kid that you are. Level Four: Nurse, Firewoman, or Policewoman: Does she look sexy? More than likely. Is her outfit made entirely of pleather? Probably. But don’t be fooled, no matter how much T & A she’s showing she’s still dressed up as a gainfully employed woman of society. That inner feminist streak that some women have just can’t be hidden no matter how hard they try. She’s probably no Clean Cut Sally, but she’s smarter, and less likely to munch on dudes’ Whoppers while they lick her Bit-O-Honey than your average Hallo-whore.
Level Three: French Maid: This is the level that brings us to official slut status. Your odds of getting some with the French Maid are significantly higher than with the aforementioned Nurse. By wearing this costume, she’s totally broadcasting the right vibes, but be wary. As much of a ho as she may seem, the majority of her body is still covered. Not a great sign, but go for it anyways. Just be sure to approach with necessary caution, she may be into some weird stuff with that feather duster. Level Two: Naughty Schoolgirl: Now we’re getting somewhere. This one is classically not classy. Us ladies are smarter than we’re given credit for, and we know that the schoolgirl look will get us the extra-curriculars we’re after. We know men aren’t idiots, so the ass-skimming skirt and pigtails are a certified win. As soon as she whips out the plaid skirt, it’s a pretty solid sign that she’s open to letting you NutRageous all over her Mounds as she screams in Almond Joy. Level One: Bunny: Let’s be honest, this isn’t a costume. She put on underwear, ears, and a tail, and called it good. This lady DTH (down to hop) into your sack for sure. Think about it. It’s October, which means it’s cold as opposite hell outside. She had the lady balls to tug on a (probably) tootight corset monstrosity, did her makeup, straightened her hair, and found ears and a tail to pin on. On top of all of that, the woman shaved her legs. That’s a whole lot of effort,
friends. She has braved the elements in her “costume,” and that means that she is on one mission and one mission only. For her dedication, we salute her. She’s definitely on the prowl and ready to have 3 Musketeers (or just three dudes dressed like musketeers) Skor with her in the McDonald’s bathroom. There you have it, folks, the Five Level Skank-O-Meter Guide to having a wild and weird Halloween. Good luck out there, ladies and gentlemen, and here’s to hoping you find your own Level One (or at least a decent Level Two). Or some candy corn.
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Playboy Bunny
Pirate
French Maid
Cheerleader
Nurse
Beer Wench
Firefighter
Toga
Hippie
Cat woman
School Girl
Pilot
Angel
Bumble Bee
Devil
Ladybug
Police Officer
Girl scout
Sailor
Fairy
Cave Girl
Witch
Disney Princess
Jailbird
the quiz: what kind of trick-or-treater were you?
9-14 Points: The Kid Who Didn’t Dress Up
Every October 31st, people, normally kids, dress up and walk around collecting candy from strangers and neighbors because, well, America rules. But not every punk-ass kitty or pro-basketball player always played nice. Take our quiz to find out what kind of kid you were when you trick or treated back in the day.
8) Did you ever trade your candy? a) Not really. b) I always talked kids into giving me their Snickers for a stupid Tootsie Roll. c) Oh yeah! That was half the fun at the end of the night!
6) What did you use to collect your candy? a) The biggest pillowcase I could find! b) Eh, my pockets and… stuff. c) This lame bag my mom sewed for me.
9) On November 1st you see an elderly man cleaning up toilet paper in his lawn. How do you respond? a) I totally help to clean up. b) It’s not my problem, so I don’t care. c) I just giggle.
7) a=3, b=1, c=2 8) a=1, b=2, c=3
9) a=3, b=1, c=2
answer key
5) Who would you go trick-ortreating with? a) Just a few trustworthy friends... b) All sorts of kids from my group of friends and the neighborhood. c) A bunch of lame neighborhood kids.
5) a=2, b=3, c=1 6) a=3, b=2, c=1
3) What was your go-to last minute costume as a child? a) I’d just throw on a mask. b) A sports fan. c) I was always prepared and I never had some half-assed costume.
7) How would you respond to the old lady who handed out nickels? a) Aww, I thought it was still so sweet of her. b) I was like, “Whatever, can I leave yet?” c) I liked them, it made for great ammo.
3) a=2, b=1, c=3 4) a=1, b=3, c=2
2) How far in advance would you plan your costume? a) I’d start brainstorming in July and have a solid plan by September. b) A few days before, but then change my mind at the last minute. c) Like 10 minutes before I went out.
4) Did you ever do anything naughty on Devil’s Night? a) Nah, I’d be playing video games inside. b) No way, I’d be putting the final sequins on my costume. c) Smashing pumpkins was more than just a band name, after all.
1) a=1, b=3, c=2 2) a=3, b=2, c=1
1) What was your favorite part about Halloween as a child? a) School that day was a huuuuge joke. b) Everything!!! c) That pranking people was socially acceptable.
Meet The Staff campus manager Molly Griffin
pr/Marketing TEAM Zach Adamo
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Managers Frances Johnson
owner Atish Doshi
Writers Dustin Bertelsen, Blake Miller,
Founders Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers
Cartoonist Andreas Aristides distribution manager Jason Glover Social media manager Lauren White
15-21 Points: The Kid Who Tricked
An immature prick of a kid, you thought candy was dandy but toilet papering and egging a house was a lot more rewarding. The folks who left out a bowl of candy and relied on the honesty of kids to take only one piece got screwed over by your punk-ass. And to top it all off, handfuls of kids went home crying because you stole their candy just because you could. Today you have at least one misdemeanor under your belt, and have never stayed faithful to a significant other.
22-27 Points: The Kid Who Was Too Old
Even when you were of an appropriate age, you had an enthusiasm about Halloween that wasn’t seen amongst other kids. As you got older, you didn’t really know when, or how, to stop trick-or-treating, and you didn’t think it was a big deal. Most parents didn’t like that you still took their mini-Musketeers every October 31st, but no one could deny your passion. Today you have a lot of underage friends, and really don’t think the dorms are that bad!
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Editorial manager Chris Dart
photographer Victoria Cervone
You cynical bastard. You were either too cool to care about a costume, or you really just had no desire to get off the couch for a few hours to gather free candy. When your parents forced you out, you barely threw a sheet over your head and shrieked “Boo!” to the smiling little old lady who still put a Bit-O-Honey in your basket. Today you spend a lot of time smoking weed on the couch, and have strong feelings about the election.
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
Husband: • Rob Zombie • Pinhead • Count von Count • Mike Myers
wedding dinner: • BRAAAAAAAAAINS!!! • Franken Berry • The blood of 1,000 babies
wife: • Elvira, Mistress of the Dark • Carrie White • Roseanne Barr • Samara Morgan
Honeymoon Destination: • Sunny Transylvania • A cabin in the woods • Amityville • The Overlook Hotel
How you die: • By creepy kids • A zombie attack • Becoming possessed • Stabbing. Lots of stabbing.
met at: • A pet sematary •Those hills that have eyes • The house at the end of the street • Camp Crystal Lake
favorite rom-com: • Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness • Troll 2 • Killer Klowns from Outer Space • The Killer Condom
shared tombstone quote: • “ ‘Till death do us fart!” • “We’ll be back.” • “Eh. Have you seen a horror movie?” • “Paging Dr. Frankenstein!”
double date couple: • The Frankensteins • Jack Skellington and Sally • Chucky and his bride • Liver, with fava beans and a nice chianti • Gomez and Morticia Addams
go tigers!
go tigers!
some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever How to play Doodle option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.