Clemson - Issue 5 - 3/6/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

ROO

Vol. 4, Issue 5

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

F MM REE.. ATE . LIK S N E YO ETF LIX UR ACC OUN

3/6/14 - 3/26/14

420 MILES TO REALITY CLEMSONBAB WROTE THIS It’s all fun and games on the first day of spring break in Panama City Beach. 7 days later, when the boozing and bad decision making comes to an end, you find yourself facing the world’s most difficult journey to endure: the drive back to Clemson. Spring break amateurs may argue: “with a car full of my closest friends and a good playlist, how could the drive back to Tigertown be that terrible?” However, these baby Tigers are sadly mistaken. The drive home isn’t just a mere road trip; it’s a mentally and physically exhausting nightmare. 377 miles to go, the beginning: The music is blaring and it’s all smiles and sunshine on your way back to Clemson with your closest fellow Tigers. About an hour in, you’re reminiscing on the unforgettable week you’ve spent in PCB. You reflect on some of the best times you had on this spring break, like when you engaged your inner drunken Picasso and won the sandcastle contest at Sharky’s Tiki Bar with your painfully average “masterpiece.” And who can forget taking whatever it was that was given to you by the hippie you met in the bathroom at Harpoon Harry’s? If there’s one thing you can conclude from SB2K14 right now, it’s that Thursday nights downtown just don’t compare to the strip of PCB. Sorry, TD’s. 345 miles to go, the epiphany: The sad epiphany is that, besides a hazy succession of images from the first two days of the trip, you don’t remember shit from your crazy week in PCB. Even these images only consist of handles of Bacardi, Coronas, and maybe the beach, if you really rattle your

brain, but nothing really comes to mind. 253 miles to go, the regret: What better way to give yourself a mental break from questioning your morals than some mindless social media? Naturally, Tinder is the first thing you check. However this decision to mindlessly Tinder turns into immediate regret when you stumble upon a conversation between you and the beautiful Clemson baseball player you secretly admire in your ENGL 1030 class. Just a few scrolls down you’re informed that, thanks to your drunk, sloppy self, you should reconsider where you sit in that small Daniel Hall classroom next lecture. Sitting by the smelly kid in class is a small price to pay if it means avoiding the fact that you vomited all over Clemson’s hottest athlete while mid-dance-floor-make-out at Club La Vela. 122 miles to go, the struggle: The hardhitting spring break hangover your body has successfully avoided until now makes it feel like this week you’ve consumed nothing but alcohol and bits of sand. The need for substantial and edible food is so real. At this point, even Harcombe sounds appetizing. You stop for a quick bite, only to realize you have a mere dollar to your name, along with 7 maxed-out credit cards you so generously used on Margarita Mondays at that creepy townie Mexican restaurant. Now even Lil ‘Caesars is making your mouth water. 64 miles to go, the reality: Starving, hungover, full of regret, and annoyed, the twin XL that awaits you in the Shoeboxes couldn’t sound any more comforting right now. Having spent an entire week as well

PAGE 4 FIVE SPRING BREAK NECESSITIES IT’S ALMOST THAT TIME! STOP INTO PALMETTO’S TO PICK UP THE BEST SPRING BREAK GEAR.

as a stuffy 7-hour car ride with the same 4 friends, you’ve come to the conclusion you need a break from them, alcohol, and any form of partying and/or fun for the next week... or two. Now that you’ve had your reckless break from the world, it’s time to get back to reality and focus on important

things, like academics and losing the 10 lbs of beer belly that’s bloating your stomach. 0 miles to go, the exam: Cars unloaded, suitcases and novelties you don’t remember buying have been stowed away safely in your dorm. Now that it’s time to get seri-

PAGE 6 A LIFE BOILED OVER: THE MATT FETTY STORY TRY TO STAY AWAY FROM CHEAP SUBSTANCES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

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ous, you sit down at your desk and check your planner: BIOL 3040 EXAM - TOMORROW... Shit. 420 miles and 7 hours later you finally realize your biggest regret of all: you should’ve just flown home.

PAGE 7 GREEK WEEK: THE SORORITY WAY FOLLOW OUR TIPS TO HAVE ONE OF THE BEST TIMES OF THE YEAR, NAY, LIFETIME.

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FIVE SPRING BREAK NECESSITIES SPONSORED BY PALMETTO SHADES CLEMSON STAFF WROTE THIS Listen, we’re college students too, so we know you haven’t even begun to think about thinking about packing for spring break, even though it’s like…a week away. Still, you’re going to need a few last-minute things. So here are five that you shouldn’t forget. Boards of All Sorts: Adverbs for walking down the Panama City Beach Strip: Boring. Sandy. Tiresome. Adverbs for walking on water: Jesus-ian. The girl you met last night is all the way down at the Holiday Inn, and you’re stuck next door to Club La Vela. Dude, that’s like, three miles and by time you got there you’re going to be hot, sweaty, and worst of all, sober. Why not get a long board from Palmetto Shades to ease your journey?

Great, you’ve made it down there on your long board and now she’s looking for something to do. Good thing you rented a stand-up paddleboard back in Clemson. You’re not very good at standing paddleboard, so she’ll only be impressed by the tumescent girth of your forethought, not your skills. Hey, at least you won’t have to keep the board hanging around your dorm once you’re back in school. Also, Board Shorts…And Other Clothes: Whatever warm locale you’re calling home for your spring break jaunt, you’re not going to want to be the only schlub or schlubette on the beach rocking cut-off jeans from your high school days. Tiger ladies, if you want a swimsuit that doesn’t make your peers say, “Yes, that is a

swimsuit, but that is literally the only truthful statement I can make about that…thing… that isn’t dripping in negativity,” well, you’re in luck. Palmetto Shades offers spicy options from the likes of L-Space and Vitamin A.

with those cheap foam sandals from Wal-Mart? The price may seem right at $3, but anything that costs less than a Cook-Out Tray isn’t to be trusted. Spring for a pair of flip-flops from Reef or Rainbow.

And guys, sure, whatever you wear may spend 80% of the time in the sand, but that doesn’t mean it has to look bad in the sand. Grab some classic beach gear from Billabong or Hurley before you head down to Destin.

Shades, Because Your Future’s So Bright: There’s a place in this world for cheap gas station sunglasses, and it’s not on your face. Instead, why not splurge on something that won’t simultaneously rust and turn green in that –yeah-sureit’s-clean ocean water? Dot Dash and Peppers offer stylish shades that won’t dent your beer budget too much. Or, if you want to buy yourself an early…uh…Christmas present, then swing a pair of Ray-Ban Caravans to set you apart from the Wayfarer and Aviator crowds. You’re going to be a grown-up soon, you have to

Kicks, For Kicking Back: “Bro, I can’t, I have blisters on my feet,” is literally the single most pathetic excuse in the history of pathetic excuses. Yes, worse than the time Jeremy missed your 21st at TTT’s because he had to go see Frozen with Karen. Why risk heinous foot damage

learn to take care of nice things. Accessories: Ok, you don’t have the balance to do any sort of boarding, and you’re not buying any new clothes because you’re scared they’ll get lost or ruined or stolen on the beach. You’re sure you’re not buying any shoes—you’re not going to wear ‘em—and your persona more screams, “silly

hat” than “cool shades.” Fine. It’s come to this.

your spring break complete? Palmetto does.

Do you have a flask? Palmetto does. Do you have a bags set? Palmetto does. What about an inflatable beer pong table, or an island cooler or a light-up frisb—er, flying disc? Palmetto does.

Palmetto Shades is located at 384 College Avenue, Suite 6 in lovely downtown Clemson. Palmetto Shades is open Monday through Saturday 10am-6pm, and on Sunday 12pm-5pm. More information can be found on Facebook or by calling at (864) 643-0190.

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Helping hangovers since 1941 Clemson

Easley

Greenville

Spartanburg

104 Finley St.reet Clemson, SC 29631-1532

6101-I Calhoun Mem. Hwy Easley, SC 29640

20 E. Coffee Street Downtown Greenville, SC

100 E. Main St.reet Spartanburg, SC 29306

864-653-7764

864-855-1289

864-552-1541

864-582-2662

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Check Us Out Online at Grouchos.com

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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE LITTLEKNOWN TURN OF PHRASE, AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Cur tis

“To ‘86 something,’ meaning to get rid of it.”

Rachel

“’YOLO,’ but in like an ironic way.”

Amanda

“’Gotta risk it to get the biscuit,’ meaning you’ve gotta go all out.”

05 07

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

THINGS YOU WILL LEAVE BEHIND ON SPRING BREAK HASHTAGSRAT WROTE THIS

10.) Your chances of not developing melanoma: Even if you’re not trying to tan, it’s almost guaranteed that you will ”take a nap” in the sand at some point, drink in hand. Considering that you’re inhaling fishbowls at places like Club Destin every night instead of sleeping, you’ll end up taking an impromptu nap in the sun and wake up with a burn like no other. 9.) Your general health: Spring break is an incubator for germs on par with an elementary school or Redfern. With one part sleeplessness, one part grimy clubs, one part shared drinks, and one part shameful makeouts with random strangers, SB is one giant bacterial cocktail. Lest you come back to Clem with some new, awful strain of mono for everyone to catch, keep up with your Emergen-C and hand sanitizer regimen.

A LIFE BOILED OVER: THE MATT FETTY STORY DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS Matt Fetty, a Clemson senior, had all the makings to be a titan of industry. A marketing major with a 3.91 GPA, it seemed Fetty had the whole world at his fingertips. That is, until November 15th. It was on that fateful day that Fetty’s life would be transformed forever. Stopping by friend Nolan Courvell’s house after many hours in Cooper Library, Fetty inquired as to whether there was any food in the house, as he had not eaten all day. “We don’t have much right now, but there’s some ramen in the cabinet over there,” replied Courvell. Oddly, Fetty had never heard of ramen and took a look at the nutrition facts before deciding it did not look healthy or appetizing. “But Nolan insisted,” said Fetty. “He told me that everybody was doing it, and that it would be fine just this once.” After eating his first bowl of ramen noodles, Fetty could not believe how delicious they were; his fascination only grew when he learned how incredibly cheap the noodles were. From that point on, Fetty subsisted almost entirely on ramen. “It only took me a couple times before I was addicted,” said Fetty. “After a week, it was the only thing I ate or drank. The only solid foods I ate were the noodles, and the only thing I would drink was water mixed with the flavoring packet; usually beef flavor, but I would even settle for shrimp flavor.” It wasn’t long before ramen began to take over Fetty’s life. He lost interest in school, as it paled in comparison to the importance of obtaining more and more ramen. However, this soon became an issue as well. Within a couple weeks, Bi-Lo began refusing to let him purchase ramen at their stores, with Publix and Wal-Mart following suit. Apparently, they feared he was using the powder to make a new drug. “We just couldn’t fathom that anyone could be eating that much ramen, and we didn’t want a lawsuit on our hands,” said Bi-Lo manager Clint Zimmerman.

From that point on, Fetty’s life was completely engulfed by acquiring ramen. “I would do anything for the chance to get ramen,” said Fetty. “I was in back alleys sucking dick for a rock of uncooked noodles. And to make it worse, almost never did people on the street even have ramen. I mean, why would they? But if there was any chance to get my hands on some, I couldn’t resist.” After carrying on like this for a couple of weeks, Fetty no longer got the same sort of rush from simply eating ramen. He began snorting the powder, and, when that lost its edge, injecting the flavoring broth directly into his veins. Everything came to a head when Fetty was arrested for buying drugs in the alley between Mr. Knickerbocker and The Tiger Sports Shop. Of course, Fetty wasn’t actually buying drugs and was released upon the discovery that it was only ramen. “At that point, I knew I had to make a change,” said Fetty. “I’m just not sure I could have made that change alone.” Luckily, when Fetty returned from jail, his friends and family were joined in his apartment, eager to perform an intervention and convince him to seek help in rehab. “We told him that he wasn’t the same anymore,” said close friend Devin Hicks. “I mean, he used to be a borderline alcoholic, but who in college isn’t? Plus, if he wanted to be a businessman, he probably should have stuck with cocaine.” After hours of intervening and berating, Fetty finally agreed to enter a rehab center. Fetty is now in rehab and the promising life he once had now seems possible again. “I’m doing great; better than ever,” said Fetty. “I mean, obviously not actually better. My blood pressure is off the charts from eating 15,000% of my dailyrecommended salt everyday. Plus I got HIV from sharing needlesto shoot the ramen broth. So I guess really I’m pretty miserable; and I would kill for some ramen right now. Literally kill.”

8.) Your fake ID: Aside from a routine traffic stop or TTT’s, the clubs and bars in these sleepy Florida spring break towns are the worst possible place to try and use your lineage’s fake ID. You’re better off attempting to scrub X’s off in the bathroom than trying to unsuccessfully convince the scary, scary bouncers that you’re a 27-year-old from Alaska-Overtime might buy it, but they certainly won’t. 7.) Your personal belongings: You make the drive down to Florida with your cutest swimsuits, sunniest wedges and dresses, and favorite tanks and hats, and depart with another sorority’s formal shirt, your bathing suit top, and an overwhelming hangover. Keeping up with your ID and phone on any given night in Clemson is difficult, but keeping track of all sorts of personal effects on a weeklong bender is another game entirely. Pack light, folks. 6.) Your patience: Aside from that one girl in your group of friends who loudly professes at the pregame that she “doesn’t do vomit” and refuses to hold the hair of sick sisters at the end of the night, we’ve all taken care of our besties a time or two. On spring break, you’re lucky if it’s only one time or two, for each of your friends. You’ll have to be the hair holder at least twice on this vayay. After spreak, we’re all that girl who “doesn’t do vomit.” 5.) Your sense of direction: Another implicit truth of spring break is that one of your friends is going to get magnificently lost one night, and that you will spend the entirety of said night making sure she didn’t get murdered by some meth-head local. Most likely she’s at her hook-up’s fraternity break house, but you won’t breathe until she comes home, un-assaulted the next morning. 4.) Your spring break body: After a semester of spin classes, vodka sodas, and no bread, spring break is a return to normalcy-- i.e., unabated overconsumption. There are daiquiris to be drank, drunk and hungover masterpieces of carbs and cheese to be eaten, and desserts to be demolished, considering that you went the entire semester without. 3.) Your parents’ approval: While mom and dad weren’t born yesterday, the lovely little tale of a “relaxing break with friends at the beach” that you told them was much easier to swallow than “a week closer to liver cirrhosis.” However, when they see your Instagram, your SnapChat story, and your bank account, they’ll be fully apprised to what you’ve been up to. 2.) Your semester’s savings: Whether you babysat all of Christmas break, saved up your birthday and Christmas money, or got yourself a job at Java City to finance the festivities, you can kiss all of it goodbye. With Destin and PCB being total tourist traps, everything is beyond pricey. Do yourself a favor, and just throw out that month’s bank statement before you read it. 1.) Your dignity: Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight brain cells after hitting the bars. It’s a guarantee that you’ll do something embarrassing during spring break, so embrace your humiliation of drunken antics and have too much fun. Write off your more shameful moments as a one-time spring break expenditure and you’ll be golden.

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Greek Week: The Sorority Way COURTNEY PAUL WROTE THIS

As the reds, yellows and browns of fall leaves that resemble those unidentified stains on your futon give way to the cheerful green leaves of spring, Clemson Greek spirit similarly gets just a little brighter – as if it were even possible. What is responsible for this newfound glow? No, not last weekend’s highlighter party, but Greek Week. Greek Week is one of the best times of the year, nay, lifetime, but the experience is contingent on how you approach it. So The Black Sheep compiled some tips on having the best Greek Week ever. We promise, it’ll be a much easier task than your engineering exam. Hang with the boys: The dances, the field days, the karaoke nights, the trivia challenges: these tasks don’t finish themselves, and you sure as hell aren’t going to participate without a little incentive. Luckily, during Greek Week the incentive goes beyond attendance points and candy during chapter; the incentive is some man candy to toy with. Now you may be thinking, “I see them every night stumbling from house to bar to freshman dorm, why is this any different?” Because now they’re sober. Seize this opportunity. Whip up some cookies, put on some make-up and your best yoga pants or norts, and meet some men at every event under the guise of Greek community. They’ll actually remember talking to you the next day. And know it’s never too early to hunt for a formal date. Ball’s in your court. Crush the competition: Clemson Panhellenic is an incredible display of community relations and loving Greek sisterhood…until Greek Week. Greek Week is your long-awaited opportunity to finally show every other sorority why your sorority is clearly just the most darling, most talented, all-around rock star group of young women. Bring out your inner bitch, and drown the competition in passive aggressiveness and general cruelty. It’s all in the name of healthy rivalry.

P.S. No one ever gets charged for any physical injuries that occur. Not that we’re speaking from experience. Take advantage of older sisters: Just like you’re required to attend half of the week’s 49,000 events, so are your seniors, and don’t think it’s a bad thing. Those seniors have a lot to offer, as long as you’re willing to take advantage. While we all love a classic Clemson Busch Light or Taaka shot, it’s always nice to have a taste of the finer things in life. Seniors have actual IDs, meaning they also have actual alcohol, and you can bet they’ll have it in tow for every single event, from karaoke (duh) to Olympic field day (dangerous). Grab a few glasses and accumulate as much top-shelf and Blue Moon as you can guzzle. Just don’t throw up; total underclassman move. Buy the tank: Sure, you’ve bought 8 t-shirts already this month, and your daddy will likely faint at the sight of them on your already sky-high dues, but really what is one more in the name of Greek love? If your merch chair has any sense, this tank is most definitely the best shade of Comfort Colors to bring out that spring break tan you’re just about ready to flaunt. And you’re obviously paired with some amazing fraternities, so you’ll want to rep them to the inferiors come PCB 2k14. Plus, there will never be another tank so perfect…that is, until next year. We understand that Greek Week is all about fostering new relationships and reflecting on the pride and spirit that ties us together as a Greek family. We get that. But every one else gets that, too. What they often don’t get is the incredible opportunity that Greek Week offers to us sorority girls. But it’s opportunity that must be seized. So veni, vidi, vici, ladies! Because one of those means wine, right?

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Friends Cafe

The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Thursday Nights! $3.56 Sushi Rolls

Open for Lunch! Mon- Sat: 11:30am - 11pm Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $9 Liquor Pitchers after Happy Hour every night

MONDAYS: $3 Long Islands Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

Every Night! $0.50 Wings $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

FRIDAY

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8PM $1.50 Mystery Beers at 10PM

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

SATURDAY

Flaturday Special 2 flatbreads and a bucket of beers for just $12.95

$2.50 Fireball Shots

$3 Liquid Marijuana, $3 Bahama Mama’s

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Kitchen Open from 11:30am - 11pm Monday - Friday, 4pm - 11pm on Saturdays Come check out our daily lunch specials!

Closed

All You Can Eat Sushi $12.59

Half price appetizers $8 for a dozen Wings

$3 Long Islands Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

Tourney Tuesday at 10pm

$5.75 Large Pizza, $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

Add Larry Friar on Facebook for Daily Specials!

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

$2 Well Drinks

Live Bands and DJs!

Disco Night

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Drop-in Reike at Lunchtime $1 PBR

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud ,$2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Players Night

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

1/2 Price Bottles of Wine

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

$2 Well Drinks

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

OVERTIME PALMETTO’S Smokehouse & Oyster Bar

The Grid

MONDAY - FRIDAY $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

New Dessert: Skookie! Chocolate Chip Cookie fresh baked in a Skillet with Vanilla Ice Cream and Chocolate Sauce. OMG!!! (Takes 30 minutes to prepare so call ahead or order when you arrive.)

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

ASK THE WAITRESS ABOUT THE HOT WINGS CHALLENGE. CAN YOU DO IT?!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Go Tigers!

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

THURS.

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Ribeye Steak Night! $1 off any Steak Topping $2 off Bottles of Wine

24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

$1 off Draft Beer Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

FRIDAY

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

$10 Bottomless Mimosas from 11am2pm, Low Country and Crawfish Boil after 5pm, $8 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Imported Pitchers BIG Nasty Chicken Biscuit with side for $8.99

$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Tigers Headquarters!

Largest Bloody Mary bar in town!

SATURDAY

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Members can buy beer and wine to go.

Signature Dish Combo: Choose two (shrimp and grits, creole jambalaya, Brunswick stew) and a salad.

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

$8 for a dozen wings, 1/2 off appetizers

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Oyster Bash & Shrimp Jam: Oysters: $0.75 Raw & Steamed, $1 Grilled and Buffalo, $1.50 Dragos or Rednecks, Shrimp: $0.75 Steamed, Blackened, Grilled, Buffalo, or BBQ, $1 Bud Light Drafts

All You Can Eat Wings!

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Weekly Special 104.9 will be in the house for a Radio Show!

MONDAY

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night

Low Country and Crawfish Boil $3 Vodkas

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

Twosday! Two burger baskets & a pitcher of beer for $12!

TUESDAY

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WED.

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

THURS.

HISTORY’S TEN

GREATEST NUT SHOTS Good wine. Decadent food. The curves of a voluptuous woman or the utilitarian sexiness of a chiseled man. All of these things are timeless delicacies that transcend generations. Also, nut shots. Yes, there’s nothing funnier and more enjoyable to us than watching hard objects collide with testicles because it reminds us how lucky we are that our own gonads are either safely tucked away or concealed somewhere in the frightening and confusing mess of organs that are ladyparts. And even if that makes us bad people, at least it’s not, like, a NEW thing. People have been hitting each other in the nuts for as long as they’ve had the sophistication to realize how hilarious it is. The Black Sheep honors the proud tradition of kicking, punching, jumping, falling, bumping and throwing stuff at balls with history’s best, funniest, most important nutshots of the last 6,000 years.

BY: HANNAH WEYER Theodore Roosevelt Jr.- 1910: Humans know better than to mess with Teddy Roosevelt. Humans do. But while on a big game hunting trip in Africa, an elephant made the mistake of charging Roosevelt’s hunting party. Half a dozen men screamed like little infant babies and ran for cover, but Teddy held his ground. The elephant angled her leg to kick the Man-God 26th President in the nuts. The result: She broke her leg in six places and had to be put down by Roosevelt himself.

Adolf Hitler- 1941: In the thick of WWII, Hitler paid a visit to the Russian front to boost German morale. There, to display his brutish masculinity, Hitler decided to shoot a machine gun. But not like regular machine gun shooting — COOL machine gun shooting. He held the gun in front of his waist and shot. However, he miscalculated everything and the recoil left the weapon clattering around, hitting four gas masks, a lieutenant, and Hitler’s balls — repeatedly. A few seconds later when the smoke had cleared, two Germans with a functional sense of humor were laughing at the convulsing Führer. A minute later, both of them had been shot.

William Shakespeare- 1590: During rehearsal for the debut of “The Taming of the Shrew,” the actor who was meant to play Kate fell ill. Knowing a job done right would have to be done himself, Shakespeare sent him home and took his place. The actor playing Petruchio, frustrated with Shakespeare’s overly meticulous directions, seized an opportunity, “accidentally” smacking the bard in the balls during a monologue. Elizabethan men love a stiff upper lip, but Shakespeare plotted even as his actors broke character to laugh at him convulsing on the floor. Ol’ Billy decided then and there to create a world where the actors could die horribly every single night. Months later, he debuted “Titus Andronicus.”

adolf Hitler

Judas- 30 CE: As Jesus left the Temple, money changers’ tables strewn about and the sanctity of his father’s house back in order, a low mumble skittered past his ear. “Great,” the person said, “those guys had all of my silver. I had like, thirty pieces, man, now I’m never going to see it!” Enraged that one of his own folks would so much treasure earthly belongings as opposed to the promise of eternal paradise, the J-Man halted in his tracks. Turning around, he saw a sheepish Judas staring right at him. Still full of bravado, Jesus ordered his disciples to hold down the soulless betrayer, as they each took turns kicking the abomination in the balls. As Judas screamed, he made a promise to his withering nuts — he would avenge them. Oh, yes. He would have his revenge.

Josef Stalin- 1950: A psychology student in America wrote an article for her school paper, citing Freud’s theories of Oedipal frustration as the reason Joe was such a fucking dick, like all the time. Stalin procured a copy through his admittedly overpaid espionage department and went berserk. He called his advisors and embarked on a tirade of threats, including the use of the new nukes he’d been itching to try out. During the spiel, one of the advisors fell asleep. His friend noticed and shook him awake. As the advisor panicked he swung his arms about, catching the rage-pacing Stalin right in the twig and berries. Stalin keeled over, and everyone knew death was near. But Stalin laughed and patted the young man on the shoulder, and every advisor laughed too. That was the first nutshot to ever prevent thermonuclear war, and it revitalized the Russian tradition of hitting each other in the balls for fun.

Josef Stalin

Benjamin Franklin- 1777: As an American diplomat tasked with winning the French over to the side of freedom and hamburgers, Franklin experimented a lot with the Parisians. When boning didn’t work immediately, Franklin shtupped a few dozen more French floozies and came up with another plan involving his crotch. We won’t say Franklin’s Paris Slapsdick Show isn’t the only thing responsible for winning the French over with our sophistication and je ne sais pa. We’ll let history do that.

Jeanne d’Arc- 1429: Speaking of the French, did you know that they have delicate, dainty little nuts? It’s true. For hundreds of years, the mark of a true man was the ability to withstand testicular trauma. When the first naysayer punched Jean in the groin and sprained his pretty little wrist, the French army knew she was a man among men and started taking her up on her invitations to pull her finger.

Harry Whittington- 2006: Never go hunting with a vice president. Al Gore will complain about the heat, Joe Biden doesn’t know which end of the gun is the shooty part and Dick Cheney will straight-up shoot you in the balls and face. That is entirely Whittington’s fault for not knowing. He’s so sorry, again, Your Excellency the Cheney.

Jeanne d’arc

Martin Luther King Jr- 1964: By ‘64, Dr. King was well-established serial adulterer that campaigned for racial equality without all that, “left Twix/ right Twix” jazz. Today, we see Dr. King as a revolutionary peacemaker, but that’s because we aren’t Harlem Muslims in 1964. A radical sect got “mad” that “Dr.” King was “preaching” “nonviolence,” and one day when he was visiting, the Harlem kids released a barrage of rocks and vitriol straight at his lady lumps. Martin took all that he could (One. One was all that he could take.) before ending up on the ground screaming things no preacher should scream at the Harlem men. Legend has it that that was the first time the word “shitfucker” was ever uttered.

Kim Jong-un- 2012: After Kim Jong-il died, North Korea was left without a heartless dictator to threaten South Korea with nuclear war and starve the people to death. Kim Jong-il had five children, only three of whom had workable penises. Of those three, little pudding-shaped Jong-un was the youngest and the doughiest. So how did he achieve the position of Supreme Leader? We call it “roshambo” when a group of people kick each other in the nuts as hard as they can and the last one standing wins, but in Korea it’s called “KimKimSmalBalKik.” Jong-un came out on top. Is this because North Korea’s answer to the Pillsbury Doughboy has undescended testicles? Kim Jong-un approached their convulsing bodies, knelt down and whispered, “You fools. My weakness is my strength and I am eternal. Die like dogs!”

Martin Luther King Jr.

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Computers: This operating system—available under open source license—can be developed to run anything from wristwatches to supercomputers. 2) Sex: Aside from latex, condoms can also be made from this animal’s intestines. 3) Music: Hip-hop artist J-Kwon released what song 10 years ago, that sees everyone in the club doing something? 4) Elements: What element on the periodic table is listed Fe, from the Latin ferrum? 5) News: Kiev, the capital of this country, saw civil unrest break out in violence when government forces tried to remove protesters from the town square.

DEVIN HICKS of GEORGIA

6) Literature: In what book do the drugs begin to take hold around Barstow? 7) Celebrity: During Jimmy Fallon’s Late Night debut, what megastar accompanied him onstage for the evolution of hip-hop dancing? 8) Military: The United States of America has the world’s highest military budget. What nation is second? 9) Grammar: What’s the proper name for the grammatical device that looks like a cursive capital “S” and stands for “and”? 10) Dance: This dance is described as a “smooth, progressive ballroom folk dance in triple time, performed primarily in the closed position.”

Devin Answers

Correct Answers

1) Windows 7 2) Sheep 3) “Gettin’ Tipsy” 4) Iron 5) Ukraine 6) 50 Shades Of Grey 7) Will Smith 8) North Korea 9) Ampersand 10) Twerking

1) Linux 2) Sheep 3) “Tipsy” 4) Iron 5) Ukraine 6) Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas 7) Will Smith 8) China 9) Ampersand 10) Waltz

Devin’s Score: 6 out of 10

DRINKING GAME Evel Knievel Beer, cups and quarters alone don’t necessarily make up a badass game—it’s about the attitude you bring to the table as well. This game not only requires skill but also good looks and an overall level of confidence that no amount of shots can bring. What You’ll Need: 1 Solo cup, 4 shot glasses, beer, 3 quarters, a pair of sunglasses and an empty case of beer. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: Don’t try to drive a motorcycle or anything after this. How to Play: - Place the Solo cup in the middle of a table and place the 4 shot glasses close around it. Fill all of the containers with beer. - Designate one person to start as “Evel Knievel.” Make them wear the pair of sunglasses and the empty beer case as a helmet (make sure they can see out of it). - Make sure Evel Knievel stands about 5 feet away from the table. - Evel Knievel has three chances to shoot one of his quarters into the cup in the middle of the table. If he can do so within three tries, he splits up the five drinks to other players in the room. - If Evel cannot make a quarter in the Solo cup or lands it in one of the shot glasses, he must consume all five drinks himself. - Once the drinks are gone, fill the shot glasses and cup back up, rearrange if necessary and find a new Evel Knievel. The Game Ends When: One of your friends swears he can jump his car over a large flaming pit. Please, we beg you. Don’t let it get this bad.

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the madlib

down a wikipedia hole

It all starts too innocently. I might be super bored in my ___1___ class, or high on a ___2___ night, trying to bide my time. I’ve had enough of ___3___, definitely have done my rounds on Facebook and even crept on ___4___ which just made me feel ___5___. So then I opened Wikipedia, and it was all downhill from there. I started by clicking on the main page (you didn’t even know there was one, did you?). The featured article was for the ___6___-billed water ___7___. So weird! So I clicked on that, and it’s the national animal of ___8___. So naturally I didn’t know anything about that country, and who knew that ___9___ was from there? Or, she lived there for awhile. Probably smoking ___10___ and pounding the ___11___ or the locals or whatever. And did you know that she used to date ___12___? Kind of gross. He was married to ___13___ which is weird, but what’s weirder is that she had a small role in ___14___ which led her to meeting ___15___ who somehow gave her her big break, and that’s how she became the ___16___ spokesperson. Small world! But even more fascinating is that the ___17___ sandwich was named after ___18___ and was first featured in the 1955 issue of ___19___? Oh god, you know what else is good? A ___20___. Okay, off of Wikipedia and on to GrubHub I go.

All NEw March 7 & 8 8:00pm TAiNMEN Adult Tickets R E T T! $15 - ADVANCE at Outlets EN $20 - T Ed Garrison Box Office Kids Tickets Always $5 (ages 2-12)

Outlets:

Romancing the Range - Anderson Treasures on First - Seneca Rabbit Box Feed Store - Central Riddle Farm Supply - Easley Tickets available for advance purchase until Thurdsay, March 6 at noon. Box office opens at T. Ed Garrison at noon on Fri, March 7 and Sat, March 8

1) Subject 2) Weekday 3) Porn site 4) Long-lost friend 5) Emotion 6) Size 7) Animal 8) Country 9) Female pop star 10) Drug 11) Instrument 12) Older male celebrity 13) Really old female celebrity 14) Popular movie 15) Random celebrity 16) Chain restaurant 17) Type of sandwich 18) Cartoon character 19) Magazine 20) Another type of sandwich

LET’S PLAY ST.PATTY’S DAY BINGO

six degrees of separation

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