The Black Sheep
FR EE ... LIK EY ST OU ICK R “ ER I VO ! TE D”
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_clem
Volume 3, Issue 6 11/1/12 - 11/14/12
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF A COLLEGE STUDENT RAN FOR PRESIDENT? BLAKE MILLER WROTE THIS
The smell of ill-informed Facebook statuses and political BS in the air can only lead to one conclusion - the presidential election is upon us. For many college students who were too young to vote back in the 2008 election, this will be the first opportunity to have an actual voice - and who better to back with that legal opinion than one of your very own? Forget Romney, Obama, or whichever third party you normally associate with I’m here to announce the Miller/Johansson 2012 presidential ticket! (Yes, as in Scarlett Johansson. I’m your president, and I deserve something nice to look at - staff meetings have never been so exciting!) What are my political stances, you ask? How will I fix the economy? Hell, I don’t know. I’m here to talk about the REAL issues that no other candidate is willing to commit to. No Student Loans - Ever: If you’re like me, you’re fast approaching a student loan debt that equals the total GDP of a small, industrialized nation - and all because I simply wanted to get my education on. Have no fear, fellow cash-strapped Clemsonians! You’ll never have to take out another loan again. I’m not sure how I’m going to accomplish this, exactly, (I’ll leave it to Scarlett) but this shouldn’t be held against me - none of my other competitors know how to do anything, either. Cancel All Attendance Policies: Listen here, if I’m out drinking all of Thursday night, nobody wants me stumbling into class at 9 a.m. smelling like beer, vomit and Cook-out. The only reason I’m in class is because I already used my single unexcused absence to go cheer on the Tigers in Tallahassee back in December, like a real fan. Attendance policies are garbage, especially if the notes are online. In fact, they’re just down right un-American. Eliminate Blue Laws: Blue Laws prohibit alcohol from being sold on Sundays. What a cruel law. What if you don’t ration your booze properly on Friday and Saturday? You’re out of luck when you’re watching the NFL on Sunday afternoons. And you’re especially out of luck when the updated BCS standings come out and Clemson gets shafted yet again. I can guarantee no more blue laws if I’m elected - booze as you please!
BIG BIRD TELLS ALL
IT’S NOT ALWAYS SO EASY DOWN ON SESAME STREET.
PAGE 4
Abolish 8 a.m. Classes: It takes a rare, but strong-willed college student to leave the heavenly sanctuary that we refer to as “bed” before noon, let alone six or seven in the morning. It’s just not natural. The only thing worse than riding the CAT bus late at night is riding the CAT bus when you can’t even keep your eyes open to watch out for creeps. I am not a rooster or a Gamecock. I am a Tiger and a man, and I want my damn sleep. No More Noon Games: This may cause tension between the oval office and ESPN, but I’m the president, and I fully plan on abusing my power for the sake of college campuses across the
what’s inside
nation. Consider this a tag-a-long bill to my abolishment of 8 a.m. classes. Who wants to wake up early just to go stand outside during the hottest part of the day? I hereby declare that all Clemson games from now until forever will be played at night! ...And all South Carolina games will be played at 7 a.m.. It was in the fine print of the amendment. Welcome to politics! So there you have it! Write in Miller/Johansson for president this November, and you can say goodbye to mornings and hello to free college forever! FOREVER!
THE TOP 10: MOST BADASS PRESIDENTS
THE BLACK SHEEP ARCHIVES: ELECTIONS THROUGH TIME
AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, DUH.
WHERE WE’RE GOING, WE DON’T NEED A STRONG ELECTORAL PROCESS!
PAGE 6
PAGE 13
contents PAGE 5: FIVE WAYS FASHION
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
DETERMINES THE ELECTION
MAKING SURE THE LEADERS OF AMERICA ARE AH-MAHZING.
PAGE 6: THE HATERS GUIDE TO THE ELECTION
Table of
HERE’S HOW TO ACT IF YOU DGAFOS.
PAGE 7: FROM THE STREETS WHAT COMMENTS DO YOU HAVE ABOUT THE UPCOMING ELECTION?
PAGE 11: WE INTERVIEW: THE KING OF SWING, BUT IF YOU’RE EXPECTING AN OLD JAZZ MUSICIAN, YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET THE OPPOSITE.
PAGE 12: BARTENDER OF THE WEEK AMY FROM ESSO CLUB IS CHRISTMAS IN HUMAN FORM.
page 12
page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T ile App
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Mob
G GAMES IN K IN R D | S PARTY PIC | S L IA C E BAR SP SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE iPHONE APP
SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
THE ANDROID APP
Sexy Anagrams
The stallion that mounts the world has no need for iron chairs. (Want to become famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
YES MOM RUMS
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
LOAN BLOOM ROD LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS
Kristen Stewart & Colin Farrell
word of the week Liecense:
Any form of fake identification used illicitly. “Kyle ‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”
PAGE 4
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
BIG BIRD TELLS ALL MAD MAX WROTE THIS A lone figure sits atop a dilapidated brick apartment building. None of the buildings reach more than five stories, but it’s secluded enough for the very clandestine interview that is about to take place. There are a bunch of beer cans and condoms lying around, though, so the interview is slightly rushed in case the local teenagers return. “I used to see so much promise here. Now it’s just all shit,” says the yellow-feathered foam puppet in front of The Black Sheep correspondent, staring out at the carnage below. “The TV show paints it as such a magical place, but it’s a miserable slum that won’t die thanks to the government’s continual subsidizing of the Public Broadcast System.” A Romney/Ryan pin sticks to one of the polyester feathers of Big Bird. He touches it with his fingers while saying, “I’d have worn a vest if those penny-crunching bastards at PBS would issue me any clothes. The paycheck they give us is hardly enough to support my alcohol addiction, let alone food and rent.” When informed that the Public Broadcast System is non-commercialized and thus relies on fundraisers and government sponsorships to broadcast its informational messages, he snorts and dismisses the idea. “This place simply needs to go,” he chirps while lighting up an electronic cigarette. Since the majority of the population on Sesame Street is made of polyester and foam, lighters are kind of taboo here. The Big Yellow Bird was the whistle blower to Mitt Romney, informing him on the wasteful spending devoted to sustaining the lives of
the minority Muppet population of the United States. “Then that two-timin’ punk had to throw me under the bus with the rest of these psychopaths. Seriously, who the hell keeps dropping off their kids here? I’m technically a dinosaur if you Google it, and in no way am I a suitable babysitter. Then there is that monster that continually jumps out from trashcans and yells at everyone that passes by. These kids are very aware of him but don’t seem to want to avoid him at all. And everyone seems to forget about the day-walking vampire strolling around. The kids file out of their parents’ cars, and this creep is out there counting each one, like he’s waiting to pounce. This place just needs to be leveled, along with the rest of the forty-seven percent of the United States that’s overly reliant on government subsidies.” It’s definitely a bold opinion. When informed that cutting funding to the only Public Broadcast System would mean that all media would be commercialized, he didn’t seem to care. “I’m still voting for Romney. He may be a white-collar pansy, but he’s better than the foam that prances around these streets. It’s not like I can walk into the Obama office with my tail between my legs either. That extremely petty advertisement his media people came out with makes me look worse than Bernie Madoff for crying out loud.” It’s a good day for the United States of America when the two men vying to either remain or become the leader of the free world can take a break from their message in order to kick dirt in Big Bird’s beak. It’s not as if the United States is facing an environmental catastrophe, an economic downturn rivaling the depression, or a global war that doesn’t seem to have an end in sight. But let’s focus on making sure commercialized mediums aren’t the only ones that get
FRIDAY IS LADIE’S NIGHT!
to broadcast information. But why would a Muppet want to leave Sesame Street? It would destroy all the memories and friends here. Big Bird flaps his poor excuse for wings as he responds. “No friends to hold onto and no memories worth saving if you ask me. I’m headed to Wall Street after this. The only equalizer for man and puppet is capitalism. I’m going to make so much dough on Wall Street that Olivia Munn will come crawling right back to me.” Big Bird would not go into any more details of his controversial affair with Newsroom star Olivia Munn. At the mention of her name though, some horny teenagers returned to the abandoned site of our interview, and The Black Sheep correspondent got out while he still could.
Thai spice Noodles & Rice
1106 Tiger Boulevard.
$2 DRINKS NO COVER BEFORE 12 LADIES FREE ALL NIGHT
864.624.9115
COME AND TRY OUR DELICIOUS PAD THAI!
THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE | FOR iPHONE & ANDROID
PAGE 5
FIVE WAYS FASHION DETERMINES THE ELECTION TBS STAFF WROTE THIS With all this talk of “leading the free world,” lately, we’ve realized that there’s a lot more going on with politics than just dead baby laws and making weed legal. If the major news agencies are any indication, fashion is the most important thing to follow when trying to decide which candidate to vote for. So, here are five quick tips to help you make an informed decision. What color tie is the candidate wearing? Sure, they wear ties so illiterate deaf people can still tell who to vote for, but more importantly, a tie is a quick way of checking fashion sense. A red tie obviously looks better with a black suit than a blue one, but what about with khakis for a town hall? Whichever candidate pulls of the tie better clearly knows how to pay attention to details, and not let small things like trillions of dollars slip by unnoticed. How nice does the first lady’s butt look? The president’s wife’s ass, also known as the first fanny, is something you’re going to see a lot of for the next 4 years…so choose wisely. Every time she hugs her hubby after a big speech or they’re spotted walking out of the hottest heroin alley in D.C., you’re going to catch a glimpse of that sweet thang. Picking the president whose lady best knows how to dress herself is a bold decision, but it certainly one that will pay off. Speaking of asses, how does the V.P. look in a swimsuit? I don’t know how likely it is that you’ll actually see the vice president in a swimsuit, but now that we’ve brought it up, it’s definitely an image that will weasel its way into your mind at the most inopportune moments. Do you want to see a scrawny man in oversized trunks or a sweaty guy in a speedo when you’re going at it with that hottie? Well, it doesn’t matter much anymore, because you’re inevitably
going to visualize them both. Probably kissing. And rubbing sunscreen onto each other in all the right places. Now, to get vice presidential dong off your mind… Look at the candidate’s flag pin. Is he wearing one? Good, because if he’s not, he legally cannot be running for president and is probably a terro-communist. Now look at the size of that flag pin. Is it bigger than the other guy’s? Good. But is it too big? Look at it, it’s taking up half of his shirt. You don’t want your country run by a man who has something eating away at him, constantly demanding that he prove himself to the world and his ex-girlfriends, but you don’t want it run by a talking dick monster either. It really all boils down to... Boner concealment. That’s right, how well does he hide his dick disasters? There’s no way both of those dudes have NEVER gotten hard standing in front of crowds yelling at each other. We’re at halfmast every time I yell at the pizza guy for being late, so these guys have got to be boiling over. Next time they’re on T.V., just stare at their junk. Get really close to the screen, analyzing just how much of their wang you’re seeing. You don’t want a man running this country who lays all of his tools out for everyone to see, but you don’t want him to hide everything he has at his disposal easy. The man with the best boner balance is clearly the best choice, so look hard at who’s hard and stick him right into that tight ballet box. Sure the MEDIA wants you to pay attention to key issues, but think about how much you judge friends, classmates, and potential sex partners on these issues. Don’t you want the leader of the free world to be just like your friends, classmates, or potential sex partners?
FRI 11/2: Jamie Wright Experience 8pm SAT 11/3: Showman 8pm
Groucho’s Deli: Fast, Fresh, Original Since 1941! Groucho’s Deli of Clemson 104 Finley St. | Clemson, SC (864) 653.7764 Like us on Facebook!! fb.com/grouchos
PAGE 6
The Top 10
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE HATERS GUIDE TO THE ELECTION DUSTIN BERTELSEN WROTE THIS
Most Badass Presidents 10.) Thomas Jefferson: Jefferson was a total badass. He started college at age 16 and graduated in just 2 years. He was admitted to the war in Virginia 5 years later, and became fluent in French, Greek, and Latin. He wrote the Declaration of Independence at 34, and was elected Governor of Virginia at 36. I’m just hoping to get a job when I graduate. 9.) Rutherford B. Hayes: While serving in the Civil War, he was thrown from his horse and broke his ankle. Not even caring, he stood back up and was grazed on the head by a bullet. He was also shot in the arm, the shoulder and damaged his knee. He didn’t care; he just kept fighting. This man is like the Honey Badger. He doesn’t give a sh*t. 8.) Ulysses S. Grant: While being known for a terrible president, Grant was a badass in the army. He was a graduate of West Point and eventually the commander of the Union Army in the Civil War. Grant led the Union to victory after he forced the great Robert E. Lee to surrender, and ended up being so popular he was elected president. 7.) James Monroe: Before being president, he served under George Washington in the Continental Army. In the famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, he’s the one holding the American flag like a boss. While president, he pretty much told the British and the rest of the Europeans to stay thehell out of the Americas. They listened and returned to Europe with their tails between their legs. 6.) William McKinley: He, like most of the others on this list, served in the Army. While as President, the US went to war with Spain, and pretty much made them America’s bitch as he shooed them out of Cuba, Puerto Rico, Guam and the Philippines. Oh yeah, the tallest mountain in the United States, Mt. McKinley, is named for him. That’s pretty badass.
Not sure who to vote for, but enjoy being a pompous asshole all the time? Want to denounce everyone’s beliefs, just because you can? If you see the presidential election not as an opportunity for our country to grow, but an opportunity for you to get in arguments everywhere you go, then this is the guide for you! If you hear kids talking about their political learnings, respond as dictated below and you’ll be on your way to social isolation in no time! A Vote for the Democratic Party: You favor the status quo. You keep blaming the country’s current problems on either George Bush or the Republican-dominated House of Representatives. Any claim made against the president is automatically labeled as bigoted. None of the issues that currently face the country today are the president’s problem, yet he has all of the answers. You still have “Hope” and “Change” as your slogans, yet have no clue what you hope for or what change you plan to bring about. Chants of “4 more years!” ring through your rallies. You enjoy bashing the other party instead of supporting your own candidate. Hey, nothing proves how good Clemson is like bashing South Carolina, right? A Vote for the Republican Party: You’re either filthy rich or you like two-faced flip flops. You don’t care about the rest of the country that doesn’t have a Swiss bank account, villas in the Cayman Islands, 200 ft. yachts, or a trust fund. You have a beach house in the Hamptons staffed with English butlers, French maids and Swedish masseuses. If you’re not filthy rich and vote Republican, you’re an unapologetic xenophobe and patriot. You love your guns, your freedom, and boo the president’s name at sporting events. Your most common phrase is “’Murica!”.
5.) Dwight D. Eisenhower: Better known as Ike, he was a five-star General for the US Army in World War II and was the commander of the US forces in Europe. He was the man behind D-Day, which is one of the most badass days in US History. During his presidency, he also helped end the Korean War. If it weren’t for him, there wouldn’t have been Gangnam Style. 4.) John F. Kennedy: As a US Navy Lieutenant in World War II, his patrol torpedo boat was rammed and wrecked. While in the water, he towed a badly burnt crewman by the crewman’s life jacket with his teeth! He won a shit ton of medals, including the Purple Heart. And oh yeah, it was rumored that he was regularly plugging Marilyn Monroe. Not bad. 3.) George Washington: He was a true badass. He crossed the Delaware River on Christmas Day, slaughtered all the British and Germans across the river, and then led the Americans to victory in the war. He was such a badass, the Americans tried to make him king, but he refused. He settled for being the first president and getting a state and the nation’s capital named after him. 2.) Andrew Jackson: His most badass army moment came when he kicked the living hell out of the British at the Battle of New Orleans. After that, he went down to Florida and beat the shit out of the Seminole Indians. Being born in South Carolina, this would set a precedent of South Carolinians beating up on Seminoles. He was nicknamed “Old Hickory” for his toughness and overall badassery.
A Vote for the Libertarian Party: You hate both parties equally and think they’re both corrupt. You’re a supporter of some Republican beliefs, but not others. You want to go back to the way things were when the country was founded, with very little government in anything. You support the legalization of drugs and anything as long as it doesn’t harm others. You’re skeptical of almost anything government related and live by the Jeffersonian quip, “The best government is that which governs least.” By voting third party, you are essentially doing nothing for yourself because third parties never win anything in American politics. You sir, are the turd in the punchbowl. A Vote for the Green Party: Either you miss the days of old when Ralph Nader would unsuccessfully run in each election, or you’re just a hippie tree hugger. You want everyone in the world to give up their cars and either drive Toyota Priuses or ride bikes to work. You hate anything industrial that harms the environment and want everyone having solar and wind powered houses within the next 4 years. You think that the answer to the world’s problems lies in green energy and green technology. You find the hipster vegan hippie character played by Anna Faris in Sacha Baron Cohen’s The Dictator to be the model citizen for all to follow. Go Green! Manbearpig! That just about covers it! Now carry this with you, so you can force your biased, unfounded opinions onto everyone you meet. Sure it’ll make maintaining any kind of relationship pretty difficult, but who cares! You’ve successfully pigeonholed everything they stand for, and remained emotionally unharmed in your little pessimistic safety bubble. Hooray for you!
1.) Theodore “Teddy” Roosevelt: This man makes Chuck Norris look like Justin Bieber. In the army, he led a group known as the “Rough Riders” and kicked ass in Cuba. After his presidency, he traveled the world and hunted big game, killing elephants and rhinos. His most badass moment was during a candidacy speech. There was an assassination attempt on him, and the bullet passed through his chest. He didn’t bitch about being shot like 50 Cent always does; he looked down at the wound, and finished his speech. Like. A. Boss.
DUSTIN BERTELSEN WROTE THIS
FROM THE STREETS
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What comments do you have about the upcoming election? “Well, I’m not going to tell you whom I’m voting for but I will tell you that I am VERY excited to vote. First presidential election ever! Yay!”- Victoria, Senior
“I am so mad at the state of Georgia! They sent my absentee ballet to the wrong address and now I can’t vote.” - Kristen, Senior
“I don’t think anything is really going to change for the better. The economy is still going to suck, it’s still going to be hard for people to find jobs, and the poor are going to keep on getting poorer as politicians become more powerful.” - Matthew, Alum
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
Monday Night Football Special $12.50 Buckets of beer (4 Beers) and $3 L.I.T.
FRI: LADIES NIGHT! $2 Drink Specials No Cover Before 12 Ladies Free All Night!
Happy Hour Everyday 5-8PM $1.50 High Life & Busch Lt. $2 Wells | 1/2 Price Wine Glasses $5 Burger w/ Fries, $5 Chicken Sandwich, 1/2 Price Select Apps
THUR.
Live Music! Burger and a Beer! $7.50 Burgers with choice of Beer $5.50 32 ounce Liquor Pitchers
32oz Thursday $10 32oz Margarita (Regular, Peach, Melon)
COLLEGE NIGHT! $2 Drink Specials $0.25 Rolling Rock No Cover w/ College ID
Happy Hour 5-7PM Everyday: $1.50 High Life and Busch Lt.
FRI.
32oz House Liquor Pitchers for Only $5.50 at Overtime
$3 Red Stag & $3 Capt Morgan
LADIES NIGHT! $2 Drink Specials No Cover Before 12 Ladies Free All Night!
Jamie Wright Experience, Live at 8PM on 11/02 Happy Hour 5-7PM Everyday: $5 Burger w/ Fries
SAT.
Show up Before 12am to Avoid the Overtime Line!
$3 Pinnacle Flavors
(No special on gamedays)
Dance Party! $1 Jello Shots
Clemson vs. Duke in the Red Minnow Lounge at 7PM on 11/03 Showman, Live at 8PM on 11/03 $2 Wells 5-7PM Everyday
SUN.
Come Buy Your Beer and Wine To-Go on Sundays! (only with a membership)
Closed
Call to Book Your Next Mixer!
Closed
MON.
Kitchen open 11:30AM- 11PM with Daily Lunch Specials
Monday Night Football Special $12.50 Buckets of beer (4 Beers) and $3 L.I.T.
Call to Book Your Next Mixer!
Monday Night Football! $18.95 for 20 Wings and a Beer Bucket $0.50 Wings 5-7 Everyday
TUE.
$5.75 Large pizza $4.75 Bud Light Pitchers $2.25 House Liqour from 4-8
$3 Martinis
Call to Book Your Next Mixer!
Closed
WED.
The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY: Yeungs and Wings! $4.75 Yeungling Pitchers $6.75 for a Dozen Wings
Yeungs and Wings! $4.75 Yeungling Pitchers $6.75 for a Dozen Wings
Call to Book Your Next Mixer!
Working Women’s Wednesday! 1/2 Price Drinks for Ladies 1/2 Price Apps 5-7 Everyday
$3 Tequila
THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE | FOR iPHONE & ANDROID
PAGE 9
THE BLACK SHEEP GUIDE TO THE APOCALYPSE: NUKED TO SHIT EDITION PHIL McCRACKEN WROTE THIS Iran has taken everybody by surprise this election season by still being an issue. Not only is it still an issue, it’s one of the reasons you shouldn’t vote for the other guy - the other guy would totally screw up the Iran foreign policy by farting on Ahmadinejad’s wife, probably. And that’s a problem, because Iran’s getting a little nukey over there, and America isn’t atom bomb-proof yet. And Iran’s not the only one. Since Crazycakes Jr. took over for his father, North Korea is a bit of a wild card. We know Kim Jong Un has taken these last couple months to purge his government of possible dissenters, we know he comes from a very long line of crazy people and we know he has nukes. But other than that, the man is a pudding-shaped enigma. What do Iran and North Korea have in common, other than a continent and some apocalyptic weapons? They do not like America. You know who that’s bad news for? America. And also you. And probably England and Germany and the rest of the UN. And poor little Israel. And K-Pop stars. And Japan. But Australia’s cool. Everyone likes Australia. PREPARATION: Quick, what can survive a nuclear attack? If you said “cockroach,” go stand on the White House roof until the bombs come, stupid. Our society does not need your unhelpful little trivia. Everyone else, let’s brainstorm. 1950s information suggests that school desks are rendered un-nukeable when you duck and cover. Switzerland swears by its numerous atomic shelters, even though no one asked them, and those neutral mountain folk are pretty much
the least likely of any of us to get a nuke shoved up their ass. Spielberg says fridge. Whatever shelter you designate before the bombs hit, make sure it’s stocked with non-perishable food and plenty of water. Also Twinkies. Twinkies are probably the only food in the world that only gets better with radiation poisoning. While these preparations will be useless at ground zero, it’ll be pretty important when nuclear mutant cannibals come knocking at your door. THE BATTLE: The good news is you live in South Carolina, and South Carolina is very unimportant. Iran and North Korea probably don’t even know you exist, much less want to nuke you. The bad news is the North Korean and Iranian leaders are very crazy, and there’s no evidence to suggest either has good aim with warheads. If Ahmadinejad’s finger slips and the New York bomb falls on Columbia (it’s funny because no one will be able to tell the difference!) we’ll be mostly safe in Clemson, only having to deal with the odd refugees and some fallout. But obviously, you won’t sit idly by while inbred crazies kill your countrymen! That’s not how your mama raised you! If you don’t have an Iron Giant or a Magneto handy, you can try shooting your own nuke at the nuke and hope they cancel each other out before it hits. Or you can fly to North Korea and punch Kim Jr. so hard that he wasn’t even born and never collaborated with Iran to bring down the United States, thus bending time itself to your will. THE AFTERMATH: WWII taught us a big lesson about how America deals with problems. When confronted by Nazi’s, the very face of evil itself, countries like France and Denmark roll over immediately and cry uncle. When attacked at home, America loses its shit and
starts busting skulls all over the world (see: the War on Terror). So when the radioactive dust settles and we’re coughing gamma radiation into our fists, do you seriously think we’re going to shrug and accept it? No, f*ck you. Every American that falls means a hundred more lives from the nukers. If you survive the nuclear bombs, you will be expected to channel those gamma rays into Hulking out on the bombers and their allies. Debilitating deformities and seven types of cancer aside, nothing will be more terrifying to Kim Jong Un or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad than a deadly army made up of sixeyed emerald freak mutants thirsting for their blood. Yippee ki-yay, motherf*ckers. And we’ll probably develop a tentacle fetish, if we’re going by Japan’s example.
The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson
The Impetuous Asshole
The Savvy Sex Machine
Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner.
Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg.
Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge
LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apnea-induced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams
The Couch Potato
The Dumb Jock
The Degenerate
Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room.
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe.
Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States.
With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations.
John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating:
Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
“I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
PROFESSIONAL BOWLER MICHAEL FAGAN
Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
THE DETAILS IN THEATERS NOVEMBER 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
FLIGHT IN THEATERS NOVEMBER 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 GREATEST SONGS OF THE 90S SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3 FROM 4pm - 9pm ON VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
PAGE 12
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
bartender of the week Amy P. ESSO CLUB Major: Biological Sciences Grad Student Favorite Shot: Apple Pie - Fireball, Apple Pucker, sour mix, cranberry juice, pineapple juice
If you could be a holiday, which would you be?: Christmas, who doesn’t love Christmas? What holiday/event is craziest at Esso Club?: Cinco de Mayo
Worst Drink: Crown and Pickle Juice During the time at your bar, about how many numbers have Worst Pickup line: “Do you come you gotten on the job?: Too many here a lot?”, talking about the bar to count, but I met my current that I WORK at. boyfriend while working, so I guess there is hope for all the guys trying. What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the job?: Last week Favorite/least favorite tattoo and someone was talking about the why?: I’m not into them. So I guess Mexican government trying to all of them are my least favorite. poison Americans with their fruit. Especially, ankle, lower back, and tribal armbands.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
social media shots
cavity bark
Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy.
As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits.
What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
DOWNLOAD OUR APP FOR ALL OF OUR DRINKING GAMES!
What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
HUNGRY FOR MORE? THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE BLACK SHEEP MOBILE | FOR iPHONE & ANDROID
PAGE 13
THE BLACK SHEEP ARCHIVES: ELECTIONS THROUGH TIME SEVIN KETZE WROTE THIS There's a lot of talk nowadays about how elections are getting dirty, and how technology is changing the way the world elects its leaders. After digging through The Black Sheep archives, we've found this election is pretty much business as usual, and that the issues of the past are relevant even today. Part of a letter John Quincy Adams wrote to a friend, 1824 “The election is fast approaching, and I am at my wits end. I traveled to Virginia a quarter-score of a fortnight ago to try and secure the white male landowner vote. The trip was hard, but good luck was with me, and only a paltry one-third of my escort died of tuberculosis along the way. When I finally arrived and was about to begin a debate with Senator Jackson, he flicked my testicle with his thumb, which caused me to double over and regurgitate my pease porridge onto the floor. I looked up and he was imitating my sickness for a gaggle of laughing youths. F*ck that guy.” An interview of candidate Thomas Granart, running for mayor of Salem, Massachusetts in 1693 Thee, Black Sheep: You're saying that your opponent is overstepping his bounds? Granart: Correct. This is a perfect example of “big government” coming along and getting involved where they don't belong. TBS: How so? Granart: Well, take last week. My wife rode to the mercantile to pick up the new almanac, and she ended up getting picked up by g-men, they then crushed with stones for being a witch. TBS: Are you a pro-witcher? Granart: Whoa, hey, I didn't say that. Don't write that down. I'm just
sayin’, that kind of thing is not the government's business. It should be up to privately-run juries. TBS: You think a for-profit jury would be better? Granart: Definitely. Chicks do weird stuff all the time, that don't mean it's witchcraft. That's just chicks being chicks. And when profits are on the table, people are gonna make better decisions. TBS: You know, Boston's for-profit church juries have convicted 97% of accused witches in the past year. Granart: Trials are expensive. Stones are cheap. Two peasants complaining about how their votes don't really matter, 1162 Simon: I just feel like, when it really comes down to it, we don't have any choice in who runs the country. Roland: What, you mean the king? Simon: Yeah. I talked to everybody in the village and couldn't find a single person who voted for him. Roland: You don't vote for the king, he's just the king. Simon: See?! This is exactly what I'm talking about. And even if someone poisons this guy, his son's hardly better. Out with one inbred asshole, in with the other. So where's the choice? Roland: We could always move north to Scotland. Simon: Psh, Scotland. They're no better, the crown wastes all their money on their universal leeching and amputation program. Roland: What? We're peasants, Si, we'd benefit a lot from that. Simon: Don't care. The English Church says amputation is an abomination. Roland: Well, maybe you should think about what you want, not what the church wants. Simon: A WITCH!!
Roland: WIIIIIITCCCHHHH! Translated part of a speech by Brutus, a Roman senator, given in 44 B.C.E. “Friends, Romans, countrymen… sorry, that was redundant. When a man becomes a tyrant, you must consider impeachment for the good of the Republic. That was what we were forced to do with Caesar. Casca impeached him in the face with a cane, and I impeached him like eight times in the ribs. It was pretty metal. But remember, we advance as a society through compromise, not endless arguments. For example, I wanted a giant rock to fall down and crush him, and Cassius thought a pit of starving rats would be totally radical. In the end, nobody got what they wanted, but everybody walked away happy. Well, except J.C. And what goes better with compromise than forgiveness? You’d forgive a starving man for stealing bread, just like you’d forgive a mob of politicians for stabbing our leader to death, right? It’s just common courtesy.” So you see? Whether it be a monarch, democracy, or anarchy – people are never happy. Complain all you want about your elected leaders, but in the end we’re still just a bunch of ratty old peasants. What’s our point exactly? Well… RoCk ThE VoTe!!~!
102 Earle St | Downtown Clemson | 653.7581 KITCHEN OPEN 11:30AM - 11 PM LUNCH AND DINNER IS OPEN TO ALL AGES! DAILY LUNCH SPECIALS
THURSDAY BURGER & BEER NIGHT!
BURGER & FRIES + A PINT OF BEER ONLY $7.50
32oz HOUSE LIQUOR PITCHERS ONLY $5.50
PITCHER SPECIAL RUNS 8:00PM- 2:00AM ALL SPECIALS DINE IN ONLY
CHECK US OUT ON FACEBOOK FOR DAILY LUNCH SPECIALS
Go Tigers!
Tailgating Parking Spots Still Available!
FREE WIFI
GS! N I DW ERS N S A ITCH WING S P G G N N E I N YU.7E5 YEUNGFOL R A DOZ : D WE $4 $6.75
located behind wells fargo bank and above overtime
l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a m face
Eisenh
The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.
ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft
the classtime
MADLIB: PRESIDENTIAL SPEECH
Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why:
cept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little mon• First things first, ___2___ will become ster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes legalized. Not just medicinally but, you sense. know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty • The troops will be coming home in hangovers, my God. time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ • Universal healthcare? Why not! If football and ___19___, because this is you broke your ___5___ while partak- America! Additionally, for the holidays ing in ___6___ fun with your favorite all who have served in the past two debooty call, fear no more! There’s no cades will receive complimentary botlonger reason to worry about ___7___ tles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, ___22___ strippers, because, again, this because condoms and birth control will is America!!! be free for all! Especially for ___9____ and ___10___, for obvious reasons. My fellow Americans, I hope that you are satisfied with your choice of presi• Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, wom- dent. The next four years are going to en will have equal rights! Novel con- be bomb as hell, I swear.
Meet The Staff CAMPUS MANAGER Molly Griffin
Find Us At...
PR/MARKETING TEAM Zach Adamo
EDITORIAL MANAGER Chris Dart
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
ADVERTISING MANAGERS Frances Johnson
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Dustin Bertelsen, Blake Miller,
FOUNDERS Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers
PHOTOGRAPHER Victoria Cervone CARTOONIST Andreas Aristides DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Jason Glover SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Lauren White
1) REALITY SHOW 2) DRUG 3) RAPPER 4) TV SHOW 5) BODY PART 6) SEX POSITION 7) STD 8) SLANG FOR “GIRL” 9) UGLY CELEBRITY 10) SLUTTY CELEBRITY 11) COCKTAIL 12) LOCAL SHITTY BAR 13) EX-BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND 14) CATCHY POP SONG 15) DRUNK FOOD 16) PIECE OF FURNITURE 17) THANKSGIVING SIDE DISH 18) NFL TEAM 19) SHITTY BEER 20) QUALITY TEQUILA 21) STIMULANT 22) HAIR COLOR
QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com HATE US? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Subway Top of the Tavern Firehouse Backstreets Pub Brioso Nicks Tavern 356 Overtime Pita Pit Pepinos Todaro Moes Wingin It Little Ceasers Loose Change Grouchos TD’s Burger Joint Triple T’s The Bronze Tiger Sloan Street Tap Senn’s Flowers on Room Sloan
Tiger Properties Jersey Mikes Esso Ultratan El Jimadore Student Union Hair South Columbos Pizza Hendrix Student Croc’s Clemson Monterreys Center MH Frank Hudson Bagel Brackett Hall Blue Berry Frog Mojo Coffee The Shoeboxes Woodstone Pita Tony’s Pizza Fike Recreation Osaka Beef O’ Bradys Center Hibachi Grill Off the Vine The Horseshoe Cookout Bojangles Dorms Fuji Friars Tavern Harcombe Dining Waffle House Mellow Mushroom Hall
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Shilletter Dining Hall Sirrine Study Room Cooper Library University Village Chimney Ridge Crawford The Woodlands The Retreat GREEK HOUSES & MORE!
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
the classtime
LATE-NIGHT GRUB TOTTS POT PIE TOAST PASTA SALAD DOUGHNUTS GRILLED CHEESE CANDY CHEESE STEAK WAFFLES
go tigers!
go tigers!
BURGER OMELETTE BROWNIES PIZZA DORITOS TACO BELL GYRO POUTINE CHEESE FRIES WINGS