Clemson - Issue 6 - 10/30/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

Hal Free! L low ike een Too ... t tsie hey Ro suc lls o k, a n mir ite?

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

CLEMSON FRESHMAN FINALLY

ACKNOWLEDGES HIS PARENTS Dan Collins wrote this

Gerald Brown, a Clemson freshman, loves his parents... or so he says. “Of course I love my parents,” said Brown. “I just don’t want to have to go visit them or talk to them.” Brown, of course, is referring to Fall Break, the span of four days in which parents expect their children to return home, even if just to catch up on laundry. Despite spending his first few weeks of college cripplingly homesick, Brown now finds himself with no desire to go home for Fall Break, citing that it would be so much more fun to stay in Clemson. “Sure, I missed them for a few weeks,” said Brown, “but I’m an adult now that I’ve been in college for a while. I don’t even think about my parents anymore… except for when I need money.” Brown concocted a plan to make his dream of staying in Clemson come true. “I figured if I called and Skyped them nonstop for a couple weeks leading up to break that it would be close enough to an actual trip home and I could stay here in my dorm.” Over the past fortnight, Brown has placed nearly seventy-five calls to his parents in order to satisfy what he calls, “their incessant neediness.” Calling them has become so ingrained in his mind, in fact, that he has started calling them when drunk. “For a while, every time I got drunk, I would call Jenny Lang. She’s this girl I’ve been sleeping with the past couple months,” Brown told The Black Sheep, “but recently, I’ve just been placing late-night calls to my parents’ house.” After consulting Brown’s friends, and Jenny Lang herself, we found that while it isn’t true that Brown has been sleeping with her, he was, in fact, calling her often. We also spoke with Melissa Brown, Gerald’s mother. “Of course we appreciate him calling, has it been a little much? Yes, but it’s not like we can just ignore phone calls from our only son, can we?” Yet, despite the onslaught of calls, Brown’s parents continued to insist that he return home for Fall Break, mistaking his calls as a homesick-driven cry for help. Fortunately for Brown, they eventually relented. “Yeah, my

parents finally agreed to let me stay in Clemson,” said Brown, “but I think I’ll still go back. I know how much they miss me when I’m gone. Plus it turns out that Jenny and all my friends are leaving, so there won’t be anything to do here anyway.” While Gerald seems content with his decision to return home for a few days, not everyone in the Brown household mirrors his feelings.

“We finally get him to leave the house to go to college and he’s already coming back?” said Dominic Brown, Gerald’s father. “It’s only been two and a half months. The best two and a half months since that little shit was born. It’s bad enough he calls every night because he has no friends. It’s like, come on, I’m trying to have sex with your mother over here. Stop calling.”

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PAGE 6

PAGES 10-11

NOT-EBOLA DISEASE RUNNING RAMPANT ON CAMPUS

TOP 10: COSTUME MISTAKES MADE ON HALLOWEEN

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: JIMMY PARDO

CAT SCRATCH FEVER, TED NUGENT WARNED US!

THE JOKE CANNOT STILL BE THE BEST YOU CAN DO.

OUR CHAT WITH THE “COMIC’S COMIC.”

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Rebecka Talley

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

EDITORIAL MANAGER Courtney Paul

OWNER Atish Doshi

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Mark Calvin Brackin Julie Socolow

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

WRITERS Joey Glass, Dan Collins Austin Cope, Hannah Soblo

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A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE MAN OF THE VESTS

Special Tribute to the South

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Just wait until you see my Halloween costume.”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

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Nov. 14 & 15 8:00pm Adult Tickets $15 - ADVANCE at Outlets $20 - T Ed Garrison Box Office Kids Tickets Always $5 (ages 2-12)

Outlets:

Romancing the Range - Anderson Treasures on First - Seneca Rabbit Box Feed Store - Central Riddle Farm Supply - Easley Tickets available for advance purchase until Thurdsay, Nov. 13 at noon. Box office opens at T. Ed Garrison at noon on Fri, Nov. 14 and Sat, Nov. 15

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Is a prince.

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PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_CLEM

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CURRENT EVENTS

NOT-EBOLA DISEASE RUNNING RAMPANT ON CLEMSON CAMPUS Joey Glass wrote this

Sources have confirmed reports of a new disease outbreak on Clemson’s campus after a local Halloween party went horribly awry. Ted Nugent warned us all about Cat Scratch Fever in that regrettable 1977 song, but no one expected anything like this. The first-ever documented case was a student named Johnny Balma. While at a costume party, Balma saw a lady dressed in a hobo costume, hunched over and muttering to herself. Approaching her to compliment her on the thoroughness of her outfit, a live cat poked its head out of her tattered handbag and hissed loudly. Balma quickly discovered she really was a homeless person and a crazy cat lady, not a young woman in costume. She spun around and viciously scratched him—similar to the way cats do when they are scared or cornered. This fateful scratch was all it took for Johnny to contract the Cat-Lady Scratch Fever! Here are some tips to keep in mind when spotting outbreaks of Cat-Lady Scratch Fever, using anecdotes from Johnny’s story as a survivor’s guide. SYMPTOMS OF THE INFECTED: Disheveled appearance, shifty eyes: “Her hair was all frizzy,” Johnny said, describing his attacker, “like someone who’s licked one too many wall sockets, ya know?” Carrying around multiple live cats on one’s person is usually a strong indicator. Plus, one of the lady’s cats was wearing a cleaner sweater than she was. Increasing desire to acquire more cats: Another girl at the party upheld the assertion that the mentally unstable woman had wrongfully obtained one of her domesticated felines: “Dat ratchet tramp stole my cat!” she claimed. The accuser said her cat was wearing a cute pumpkin-covered sweater, which she had knit herself. Johnny said he vaguely remembered a cat in a “tacky outfit.” He added that it might even have been an accomplice in the assault, although it was hard to

differentiate between which scratch marks came from the cat or the cat lady. TREATMENT OF CAT-LADY SCRATCH FEVER: Report that $#!+: Johnny and company called the police to report a standard case of cat theft. The Clemson cops did not respond to the call, as they were too busy downtown handing out MIPs and parking tickets. Seek medical attention: The group phoned Redfern Medical Center to ask important questions, like whether Johnny could catch rabies from another person, and if he would need a tetanus shot. Unfortunately, Redfern is closed after 5p.m. and on the weekends. The partiers resorted to the helpful advice of a pre-med student, who kindly offered to let Johnny rub some dirt in it. They decided to just let nature run its course. Fresh perspective: “At least it’s not as bad as Ebola,” pointed out the pre-med student,“ and it’s way more fun to talk about.” The Ebola outbreak previously had a monopoly on distraction-worthy diseases, but now Clemson students have a whole new illness to worry about instead of studying. Make the most of it: Johnny quickly became the celebrity of the party. Although not particularly proud of what happened that night, it was a reason for him to take several ironic photos with a girl in a Cat Woman* costume. They hit it off really well, and he got her number. All thanks to Cat-Lady Scratch Fever. *Author’s Note: There is a huge difference between “a cat lady” and the Cat Woman. Cat Lady is painfully awkward, wears old clothes covered in cat hair, and has no real relationships outside of her cats. Cat Woman is sly and stealthy, wears leather outfits, and has a complicated relationship with Batman.

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Former President Barker Marries Students in Clemson Ring Ceremony Austin Cope wrote this

New information has recently surfaced about Clemson’s most recent Ring Ceremony, held last spring. It seems former President James F. Barker made a minor mistake, resulting in his marriage to over five hundred students as he put students’ class rings on their fingers.

the President Barker’s money and belongings. Barker and his team of seersucker-suited southern lawyers is fighting hard to keep his home and his assets, including his prized collection of Kenny G records and an old abacus he used in his college-level calculus class.

While reviewing video of the spring ceremony, The Black Sheep investigative team identified a rogue minister dressed as a bush seated behind Barker, whispering pronouncements and getting each student to say “I do” to what they thought were innocent questions about whether they liked the college or Captain America: The Winter Soldier.

Grace Tudor, a current graduate student, has publicized her fight for his house, and many other affected students have court dates set to decide on settlements. Grace has claimed that his house is where the romanticallyinclined couple spent Sunday brunches while living together for the summer, although former President Barker’s attorneys flatly deny these circumstances, claiming her case does not appear to be substantial. Grace has been spotted on her hands and knees outside the premises screaming, “You promised me a new breakfast nook!”

The rogue was apprehended for a time in early August while trying to marry more people at a Dido concert in Charleston. He was reportedly trying to convince patrons it was pronounced “die-doo.” He escaped jail two weeks later leaving two newly-married guards in his wake. The preacher’s name is Terrance Darkly. He remains at large.

Barker is still defending himself against allegations that he was a neglectful husband in those months when neither party was aware of the marriages, though Tudor was last seen loudly yelling, “Well then where was my summer vaycay on the Outer Banks, Jimmy?!”

Clemson attempted to cover up the embarrassing incident, but unfortunately, it was too difficult to do 500 annulments quietly and amicably. Hundreds of students have responded to the incident by lawyering up in a class-action alimony lawsuit, trying to get 1/500th of

One Clemson student’s father even called Barker to inquire about the dowry he was owed, but his daughter—who graduated with a minor in women’s studies—explained how that was “an offensive treatment of women as property and I wont be

exchanged for anything less than a cool mil, Daddy.” In fact, Clarke Mathers appears to be the only one fighting to keep her marriage with Barker alive stating “Every relationship has peaks and valleys. This is just a rocky patch. After this is smooth sailing. I won’t let my first marriage end in failure and have to face my mother.” Perhaps she should be commended for still believing in love.

Needless to say, Marcia Barker is not happy with Mathers’ actions, noting, “Nuh-uh, nuh-uh, ain’t nobody gonna take my man!” Terrance is still out there. Until we know more about his motives, we should assume that this serial minister could be out there harboring ill will toward Clemson University, its students, and its lack of marriages.

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AROUND CAMPUS

REFLECTION POND CLOGGED RECENTLY-SINGLE WOMAN REJOICES Hannah Soblo wrote this

Halloween Eve, a night to be filled with candy-driven celebrations and fur ther confused by parents driving on sidewalks to pick up their freshmen for Fall Break, has been marred by a hygienic emergency.

H o w e v e r, u p o n c l o s e r inspection, Havoc realized to his horror that it was not just a costume, nor was it an unfortunate fraternity pledge— it was a real, female person. The story behind this pond perplexion quickly came to light. Mudge had dated a young man over the summer who she described as “a nice guy” and “not too bad looking,” but, upon further inspection, she found that his secret Tumblr yielded unforgivable information. “He has four cats,” Mudge said, scandalized, “he’s practically a cat lady... and anyways, he updates his Tumblr all the time, so he’s probably secretly a woman too.” Fearing a potential reunion with the probably-female, secretly-elderly, and obviously demented ex-boyfriend, Mudge took drastic measures to make sure that he would never want to see her again. “With four cats, I knew he wouldn’t understand normal social interactions, so I had to

COSTUME MISTAKES MADE ON HALLOWEEN With the holiday just days away, many Halloween slackers are going to be scrambling all over campus to find the perfect costume that will spark their Yik Yak debut. Many will inevitably make the worst costume mistakes, all for the sake of being “clever.” 10.) Carrying a Prop: It may “complete” your costume, but a prop is enough to kill your vibe as you grind up on a Miley-wannabe. Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? “Sorry, it’s just my styrofoam sword…”

To prepare for the arrival of anxious parents, Clemson had begun its usual frenzied cleanup, not unlike the panicky freshmen all over campus stowing moonshine inside their pillowcases. However, t h i s m o n t h’s a e s t h e t i c transformation was brought to a halt when the Reflection Pond cleanup crew discovered sophomore Eunice Mudge stuck in the drain. “At first I figured it must be a fraternity thing,” said maintenance guy Harold Havoc. “I could see that the person was covered in muck—had algae growing on them and everything—but I figured it was just some dumb Halloween stunt.”

THE TOP TEN

9.) Anything with Balloons: Your “bundle of grapes” costume idea sounded clever at the time, but now the static electricity has you pinned against the wall with balls of hair stuck to you. Eventually your costume will look like the floor of a five year old’s birthday party as people play “pop the balloons” all night. 8.) Slutty Versions of Children’s Characters: There’s nothing like reminiscing about your childhood like watching a slutty Teletubby take a body shot off Tinkerbell. The internet has already given us Rule 34 pics of Elsa (and the bulk of the animated Frozen cast for that matter), so why try to best what some horny, middle-aged DeviantArt cartoonist has already creepily perfected? Then again, Halloween is all about scarring children for life, right?

do something that would really show him it was over,” she said. Among Mudge’s precautionary measures was her nightly swim in the Reflection Pond, covering herself in a film of mud, algae and dead, unwanted goldfish. As the break drew closer, Mudge even bought a cheap pool floatie on which she slept for most of the week leading up to Fall Break. It was on this floatie that she was very nearly sucked into the drainage system.

the grease, and had swollen well past the measly fifteen most freshmen gain. According to the maintenance man, it was all the Harcombe food that probably saved her life, making her so flabby and bloated that she wouldn’t fit down the drainage pipe. “But I’m not mad,” Mudge revealed to us, adding to nervous representatives that she had no intentions of suing the university. “I’m not mad at

“I could see that the person was covered in muck—had algae growing on them and everything—but I figured it was just some dumb Halloween stunt.” Looking back on the photos of the summer, Mudge admitted with pride that she barely recognized herself. “It just goes to show that anything is possible,” Mudge said. “Before, I was sort of attractive; now everyone thinks I’m smelly and my skin is tinted greenish brown—he definitely won’t want to date me now, even if he does only understand cat language.” In addition to her time spent in the pond, Mudge turned to gorging on Harcombe pizza, even tilting the slices to drink

anyone! I’m especially thankful to the news people. The news crew snapped a great shot of me back when they still thought I was a zombie goldfish monster, and when I posted it on Facebook and tagged myself, my ex didn’t even comment! It feels so great to be free.” No word yet on whether or not Mudge has become a blissful singleton or not, but after her early return home for the break, a picture was posted of the still-algae-ridden sophomore, surrounded by cats who appeared to think she was a giant fish.

7.) The Joker: We get it, you liked The Dark Knight. However, paying homage to Heath Ledger by per forming your impression all night only desecrates his performance and makes you look desperate for a cheap compliment. No, his voice wasn’t that nasally, and he didn’t lick his lips that much. Save your impressions for open mic night at Moe Joe, bud. 6.) Anything with a Wig: If you think your costume looks more realistic with a wig, try again. The rat’s nest that comes out of the packaging is a hideous mess that only ends up shedding in peoples’ drinks or used to dress up the guy who passed out. You’re better off using that $10 investment for a bag of Caramel Apple Pops. 5.) Wearing a Horrendously Offensive Costume: Your Walter White/Ebola mash-up hazmat suit may seem hilarious amongst your drunken friends, but in all honesty, it’s in poor taste. You’ll be star of the party… as the person who single handedly made everyone uncomfortable just by showing up. Oh, you’re going as an ISIS soldier? Watch yourself on that edge, man. 4.) Complicated or Intricate Makeup: Unless you’re an aspiring makeup artist, you’re likely to botch this one completely. On the off chance your makeup comes out stunning, you’ll spend the rest of the night protecting your masterpiece from make-out smudges on TTT’s dance floor. Consider yourself preemptively cock-blocked. 3.) Obscure References: If your costume takes more than a sentence to explain, you’ve gone too far. No matter how awesome you look, no one has the attention span to listen to the background and life story of your costume character. So your costume is based on a character’s one-liner from a quirky TV show that was canceled after one season? Gee, I can’t believe I couldn’t figure that one out. 2.) Couples Costume: Unless you’re conjoined twins, staying with your costume partner on the night of Halloween is like assigned reading. You say you’re gonna do it, but eventually you just kind of forget it exists. Suddenly, you’re walking around as Tom Hanks from Castaway yelling, “WIIIILLLLSOOONNNN!” 1.) Not Dressing Up: No costume, no treats. Halloween is the one night a year you can dress up as virtually anything you want. No one likes the person who’s “too cool” to get creative. There’s a special place in Hell reserved for those who wears nothing but a piece of paper with “COSTUME” written on it. Suck it up and throw on a cape, loser. Staff wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS Where’s the most inappropriate place you’ve ever been naked? HANNAH, JUNIOR “A Wendy’s bathroom.”

MICHAEL, SENIOR “An Asian nightclub in Thailand.”

KRISTIN, JUNIOR “In class—and then I woke up.”

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THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! $6 Liquor Pitchers (During Happy Hour Only) $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha!

$9.50 Liquor Pitchers Monday - Saturday!

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm Mon - Fri $4 Jager, $3 Fireball $5 Jack Daniels, 1/2 Price Apps

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

FRIDAY

$2.50 Fireball Shots $6 Liquor Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: (During Happy Hour Only) $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha! $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

SATURDAY

Join us for flatbread specials and college football!

$2.50 Fireball Shots $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

College Football on 20 HD TVs

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings (excl. home games)

SUNDAY

Closed

Service Industry Night! $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers & random specials

NFL Sunday Ticket on 20 HD TVs

Book your next party at Larryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s!

MONDAY

All You Can Eat Sushi

Half price appetizers $8 for a Dozen Wings, $1 PBR $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Burger Mondays! $4.99 Burger & Fries

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings During MNF

TUESDAY

$5.75 Large Pizza, $1 PBR $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Taco Tuesday! $4.99 Taco Backets, $1 12oz Blue Moons

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

WEDNESDAY

Check us out on Instagram! @356Sushi

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $1 PBR $6.75 for a Dozen Wings Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$9.99 Pizza, $0.60 wings, $0.50 12oz PBR

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers,

Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

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THE GRID

MONDAY - FRIDAY $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Tuesday & Saturday: LOW COUNTRY BOIL NIGHT! Get low with PSHOB’s famous low country boil recipe.

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

TUESDAY $4 Burgers!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers

Need a PARTY SPOT? Rent Palmetto’s EVENT Center Call 864-810-7339 ext 3 and get $50 off your next rental with the keyword “Black Sheep”

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

NEW! 6 under $6 lunch menu 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer served 11:30am-2pm M-F. for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

$6 Chef’s Special

FRIDAY

DJ All Night! Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

Open 8am for our NEW BIG EASY BRUNCH! From 8am - 2pm $10 Bottomless Mimosas Low Country Boil 5PM Follow us on Twitter!

$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Tigers Headquarters!

College football on our 101 inch projector!

SATURDAY

Service Industry Night! $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers & random specials

Open 8am for our NEW BIG EASY BRUNCH! Try the best hangover cure: Big-n-nasty biscuit, frittatas, wraps, omelettes, creamy grits, beignets, and waffles! Catch Bill’s NFL Action Here Go Sammy & CJ!

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

Clemson’s best place to take a date! Try the “Haystack”, a totally sharable mound of fries or fritos covered in deliciousness! Oyster Fest & Shrimp Jam Every Monday Starting at 5!

All You Can Eat Wings!

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

Check out our Instagram! @CUWinginIt

MONDAY

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night

LOW COUNTRY BOIL NIGHT! Get low with PSHOB’s famous low country boil recipe. Like us on Facebook for weekly specials and competitions.

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

$4 Burgers

TUESDAY

DJ Dance Night! Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

NEW! 6 under $6 lunch menu served 11:30am-2pm M-F. Say “You saw it in The Black Sheep” and get a FREE PSHOB Bumper sticker.

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WED.

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

Need a PARTY SPOT? Rent Palmetto’s EVENT Center Call 864-810-7339 ext 3 and get $50 off your next rental with the keyword “Black Sheep”

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

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TBS: So how did you get into stand-up and what drove you to pursue comedy? Jimmy: I started in the late 80s, the comedy boom was humongous, especially around Chicago. Every bar had comedy nights in addition to around a dozen comedy clubs at the time, so I was getting on stage two, three times a night driving all over the city to get some stage time. What drove me to pursue comedy was growing up in the South Side of Chicago and south suburbs. It’s a very sports-based city, not that I’m against sports but I wasn’t very good at them and I didn’t fit in with that scene. I had a sense of humor and I would use it to either impress the girls or get out of fights and I found my own groove of people. And you end up being friends with those types of people and you eventually find your way in life, and you either end up going to college and being a professional in something, or you end up being a clown like me. TBS: You still continue to do stand-up, but in 2006 you decided to start your podcast Never Not Funny, one of the first well-known comics to do so. What made you stop and think that would be something that you’d want to do? Jimmy: I think I was one of the first comics that had a following that started a podcast, and it really came out of the gentleman that’s now my cohost and producer, Matt Belknap, who was just a fan of mine. He would come and see me do shows at the UCB Theater here in LA. He was doing a very dry podcast where he would interview comedians about the craft, which was really great, but after he did the interview with me he said “Hey, I think I’d have more fun producing your podcast,” and I had no idea what that meant. I had listened to Ricky Gervais, his was hot at the time and it was the only other one that I knew of. I was between TV gigs and I thought “you know what, I don’t know what this is and I don’t wanna be the guy that’s left behind on it, so I’m gonna be the first of my group to do it.” And so we started in March of 2006 and here we are. TBS: You have the Pardcast-a-Thon coming up on November 28th, which for our readers that don’t know is a 12-hour live podcast featuring a rotating guest list that has raised over half a million dollars for Smile Train, a charity that provides corrective surgery for children with cleft lips and palates. What brought you to partner with Smile Train and what was the idea that sparked the 12-hour podcast? Jimmy: There’s a show regular by the name of Pat Francis and he came on as a guest one time and thought it would be funny if we had an auction to raise money for Smile Train. It was on the back of Parade magazine, and just coincidentally he brought it up and I said, “jeez, I just gave to them yesterday” and so I said let’s do it. So, we did an auction that whoever raised the most money got to be a guest on Never Not Funny. In 2008, and in 2009 we were toying around with what we could do next that would be neat and unique. I always grew up loving the Jerry Louis Labor Day Telethon. It’d go for 24 hours and you don’t know who’s gonna show up at 3:30 in the morning, everybody gets loopy tired but it’s a lot of fun and raises a ton of money. So we thought who could we do it for and we thought Smile Train made sense. So we just sent them a check after the first year, I think it was just 6,000 bucks, which is still a lot of money considering we were just this small, little podcast. So after a couple of years we ended up partnering with them and last year we raised $144,000. So in as little as five years, the awareness has grown, it’s been good for Smile Train, it’s been good for us, and it’s been a hell of a lot of fun too. TBS: Do you have any fundraising goals for this year? And do you have any idea who the guests will be? In the past you’ve had some great guests such as Amy Poehler, Zach Galifianakis, and Jon Hamm. Jimmy: I always like to say that the goal is to beat last year’s amount and $144,000 is a lot of money. But our audience has grown so it’s conceivable that we’ll make more. But any money for Smile Train is a win. And we’ve just started casting and putting out offers, but the show regulars are gonna be there. Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and of course Matt Belknap and Pat Francis will be there the entire 12 hours. And we’ve reached out to the people we don’t necessarily know to bring in some star factor.

TBS: Going back to your live comedy, how has the podcast affected how you’ve approached standup? Jimmy: I’ve always been pretty improvisational on stage, talking stream of consciousness off the top of my head, and finding the funny, but when you’re a good comic that nobody knows you have to get on the stage and convince people that you’re funny. There’s a room of people that didn’t know who I was and just saw my name on a flier. For reasons I’ll never understand, people go to a comedy club with the mindset of “these guys better be funny,” which is the weirdest thing. If you’re gonna go there, why not just trust that it’s gonna be a good show? It’s always a weird adversarial relationship with the audience and the comedian. So, it went from spending the first three minutes on stage convincing people that they’re in good hands and it’s gonna be a good show, to now because of the podcast there’s this fan base that comes out to support. I went from maybe a few people in the audience knowing who I am to every show being full of podcast fans. I know that they’re on my side and I can make them laugh, plus attendance is better and people are coming to see me and not just to see comedy, which is great. And the shows are better because I run my mouth an hour and a half every week on my podcast, so I trust that I’m going to find the funny and for the most part the audience stays with it. TBS: You also open for Conan O’Brien, how has that experience been and how did you get that job? Jimmy: I started with them day one at The Tonight Show when they moved from New York to L.A., and I’d never met Conan or anyone on the staff. I knew a couple of the writers but none of the higher-ups. And I knew Andy Richter a little bit from doing some shows with him at The UCB, but it would’ve been presumptuous to say I was a friend of Andy’s at the time. When they were moving out to L.A., they wanted somebody to open the shows and legend has it that Andy Richter said “the guy that can do an hour off the top of his head and has the same sensibilities as this show is Jimmy Pardo.” So they called me in for an interview. I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to be a warm-up act, that’s not why I moved to L.A., but I thought, “you know what, it’s The Tonight Show, it’s Conan O’Brien, I’ve gotta at least take that meeting.” I went to the meeting, and within minutes I was like “I’ve gotta take this job.” They told me that I didn’t have to throw out t-shirts or candy, I’ve just gotta go out there and do comedy, and then I’m done. So I met Conan, Mike Sweeney the head writer, Jeff Ross the executive producer, the stage manager Steve Hollander, and they all told me that I was the guy. I had never felt that wanted before in show business, so I took the job and I’ve been there for 5 years and it’s been great. Being around all those amazingly funny people every day, I never once bitch that I have to go to work. First I’m about to go do comedy for a living, and in addition I get to work with these hilarious people.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 4 ou

1) Brand Slogans: What fast food chain’s current slogan is, “Now that’s better”? 2) TV: Joe and Teresa Guidice of this show’s fame will soon be heading to jail on bankruptcy and conspiracy charges. 3) Nicknames: Who is known as the “Bard of Avon”? 4) Famous Firsts: What was the first state admitted to The Union? 5) The Internet: Online articles formatted like, “5 _____ You Didn’t Know About _____” or “10 _____ About _____” are colloquially known as these.

LIZ GENDREAU

CAPTAIN of the PUNKIN’CHUNKIN TEAM

6) Charity: “No Shave November” is a yearly attempt to raise awareness of and elicit donations towards fighting what disease? 7) Measurements: In the metric system, what unit of length is just below centimeter? 8) Science: What branch of physics deals with physical phenomena on a nanoscopic scale? 9) Famous Quotes: Who famously uttered, “I am not a crook.”? 10) Movies: The Nightmare Before Christmas and Frankenweenie are two examples of this animation technique.

Liz’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Wendy’s 2) Jersey Shore 3) No earthly idea. 4) Massachusetts 5) Fishing 6) Testicular cancer 7) Millimeter 8) Quantum physics 9) Bill Clinton? 10) Claymation

1) Wendy’s 2) The Real Housewives of New Jersey 3) William Shakespeare 4) Delaware 5) Listicles 6) Prostate cancer 7) Millimeter 8) Quantum physics 9) Richard Nixon 10) Claymation

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CLASSIC COSTUME CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Broom not required. 4) Karin from Mean Girls; “I’m a ___, duh!” 5) Put a pacifier in your mouth and call yourself this. 6) Grab an orange sweater from American Apparel, boom, done. 7) Just borrow some stuff from your mom’s mom and be this. 8) A lady who gets athletes stoked.

ANSWERS

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9) The teacher of The Magic School Bus, Miss who? 11) The main character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack who? 13) Arrrggghhh! 14) Throw a sheet over your head and call yourself this. 15) Her last name is Morgendorffer, and she’s apathetic towards most everything.

DOWN: 1) Wait, where is he? 2) Aladdin’s love interest. 3) This is, like, so 60s, man. 5) She can be the nature and he can be this guy who make pretty little mistakes (two words). 7) The girls can go as these Girls; Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. 10) “Is there a naughty lady in this room that I need to punish?” But not a stripper. 12) She’s sexy, and she’ll stick a needle in ya.

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