Vol. 4, Issue 6
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
ON FREE THE ... L DAY IKE TON JUM BAN PING DW AGO N.
3/27/14 - 4/9/14
PRESIDENT CLEMENTS GETS BEHIND CONTENTIOUS “YAKS” HASHTAGSRAT WROTE THIS
Clemson’s newest social media obsession has students talking, and with an unlikely voice behind all of it. Yik Yak, an app created and designed by two Furman nerds, allows users to post anonymous messages about anyone or anything, with the only clue to their identity being a location tag on their message, or Yak. It essentially functions as an anonymous Twitter feed, except with a remarkable amount of messages about “crop-dusting” certain classrooms and dining halls. A huge portion of Yaks submitted, naturally, shit-talk a certain three fraternities, with pretty much all of the messages debating each individual fraternity’s sexuality. While it was implicitly assumed that other fraternity men were behind the majority of the shit-talking, an unlikely culprit has come forward, claiming to have sent in masses of Yaks about Greek life—our new University President, Jim Clements. Seemingly frustrated by Clemson’s sassy response to a lone snowy day during which classes were not canceled, Clements sought his revenge by wreaking havoc upon the Greek social scene, submitting incendiary message after incendiary message to stir up animosity between the groups. The content of Clements’ messages vary. They range from being harmless jabs, such as accusations that individual members wear Crocs to weirdly classist, yet sexual burns Yaks wondering if the fraternity as a whole mandates that members wear their Barbours and duck boots at all times, and especially when they have sex. Yes, because of Clements, Yik Yak has become a fraternity Burn Book. However, Yik Yak’s reach has not remained exclusively online. As Mahatma Gandhi so eloquently said about his conception of civil disobedience, “Talk shit, get hit.” As one might imagine, huge fights have broken out at all sorts of fraternity parties,
PAGE 4 FOR THE LOVE OF FOOD
WE TAKE A STAND ON THE BEAUTY OF CHOWING DOWN.
bars, and on-campus venues as the aforementioned fraternities desperately throw punches to disprove the rumors and to maintain their masculinity. And, as is the tendency of guys trying to maintain their sense of masculine pride, many of these fights have just gone too far; amid shouts of “Our pledge season IS hard, you douchebags,” and “We wear our Barbours all the time, because we’re not POOR,” girls have ended up getting punched in the face, and pledges have ended up soiling themselves in fear. With his submitted Yak count reaching 2,000, Clements admitted in an official statement to the Clemson community that he has become addicted to the attention he received on Yik Yak. “Honestly, I just wanted to give students a taste of their own medicine, but when I saw how many up-votes I got over an allegation that one fraternity drinks O’Douls at all of their parties, I became a Yakking monster. My days became consumed with crafting new, emasculating Yaks about Clemson fraternities; the rush from getting an upvote was unparalleled, and it was hilarious to see the fallout from the Yaks as well.” After being admonished by other members of the administration, Clements hedged his statement, noting, “I understand that using Yik Yak as a means of entertaining oneself is not the most mature thing to do, and I do apologize. I now urge students to follow my lead and delete the app; it has caused nothing but bad blood, and as members of the Clemson family, I think we should rally around more positive forms of communication.” When asked if he actually meant what he said on Yik Yak, Clements stated, “Honestly, I didn’t really mean any of it—I just wanted to sock it to the kids who were rude on Twitter, and have a little fun. Except for the sexual hazing stuff—as if I could make that shit up.”
PAGE 6 TOP 10: PLACES TO KILL TIME IN CLEMSON
PAGE 7 TACO BELL MENU FLOPS: PAST AND PRESENT
VENTURE TO THE FORGOTTEN BEACH IF YOU’RE FEELING RISKY.
HEY, ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, AND NEITHER WAS TACO BELL’S PERFECTION.
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READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM Anyone who’s lived in the South is well aware of this region’s affinity for chowing down. And it’s no secret either that all college campuses are havens of unhealthy dining options, just waiting to tempt students with unhealthy deliciousness. Clemson is no exception to either. Between the medley of dining options downtown as well as on campus, Tigertown makes it far too easy to turn that infamous freshman 15 into the post-graduate 30. It’s not just the taste that keeps us Tigers shoveling down Clemson’s unhealthy delights; there’s a little special something in these well-known addicting foods that leave us wanting more, sober or not.
CLEMSONBAB WROTE THIS
No matter how much you hate Harcombe and Schilletter, any Clemson student who denies an addiction to the dining hall chocolate chip cookies is a sad-ass liar in need of a good slap in the face. You know these cookies are addictive when there’s a line of 20 kids waiting to get one or two before they head off to their afternoon lab. These tasty treats are so good, they almost make us all forget that the real food these dining halls serve tastes like over-processed cardboard laced with laxatives. The beauty of the cookies is that they make dining hall food almost bearable. Almost. But that’s why we love them so. Kudos to Clemson dining services for doing the cookies right and everything else completely wrong. When you’re stranded at 2a.m. waiting for the CatBus, practically inhaling an entire Little Caesars pizza by yourself, you realize that your disgusting habit is less about convenience and more about a pathetic addiction to downtown pizza. They taste great, but more importantly, its ability to lure in a bedtime babe is unmatched. We’re positive the reason why Todaro and Little Caesars are such gotos isn’t because we’re hungry college kids, but
because we’re still thirsty for someone to go home with. Guys can redeem their inability to spit game by offering any babe a slice at Todaro, whereas girls simply know that if they’re a solid five, chances are they can score free pizza for the small price of some bedroom bedlam. Bottom line: there’s no denying that bitches – and Tigers in general-- love pizza. Then there’s one addicting foodstuff known to all Clemson students. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure, and the one Clemson gem that we could happily eat for every meal of every day for the rest of our lives. That’s right, we’re talking about none other than Hendrix’s buffalo chicken wrap. But what is it exactly about this heavenly wrap that keeps us constantly blowing our PawPoints and TigerStripe on 13 of these bad boys a week? Well, after conducting multiple tests and analyzing the academics of students who indulge in buffalo chicken wraps prior to exams vs. those who don’t, it’s been concluded that students who consume the wrap before an exam receive an “A” on said exam. The experiment also showed that those who splurged on the extra charge for curly fries finished their exams first amongst all students in their class. No matter how fattening and bad for you the famous buffalo chicken wrap may be, we’d think a couple pounds is a small price to pay for a magical test-boosting, orgasmically delicious sandwich. Clemson serves up some mean eats at all hours of the day. They say “there’s something in these hills,” and they’re talking about mountains of cookies or pizzas or buff chick at our disposal. We’d argue that there definitely is, and that includes Schilletter, whether you like it or not.
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CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
PLACES TO KILL TIME IN CLEMSON COURTNEY PAUL WROTE THIS
Whether you have an hour to kill between that one engineering class and that other engineering class, or you’re just looking to procrastinate for another few hours minutes, you’ve gotta know Clemson’s hot spots. No one wants to be that kid sitting outside of the lecture hall 36 minutes early. 10.) The quad: Go visit some of your brothers or sisters, or someone else’s brothers or sisters. There’s bound to be someone available to be your waste-time partner in crime. So go snag a game of Fifa…or flip cup. Whatever floats your boat.
Harcombe Kills The Dreams Of Yet Another Student DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS Benjamin Franklin, or possibly Mark Twain, once said, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Jeremy Griffin, a Clemson freshman, had never heard that quotation. Thus, for the first few years of his life, Griffin was carefree, unencumbered by life’s sometimes-tragic certainties. It wasn’t until Griffin was 11, when he tied paper wings to his pet hamster and threw it off the roof of his house that he learned about the inevitability of death. Griffin was disheartened, though relieved he had not tried to use his baby sister as he had originally planned. Then, at 14, he got his first job working the register at the Bojangles’ in Clemson, South Carolina. Upon receiving his first paycheck, he noticed some greedy bastard had taken 25% of his wages, and he became aware of the unavoidability of taxes; and of course that he had made a horrible decision in taking the job.
woman sages. Well, four, adding that Harcombe burgers are absolutely terrible. Before long, Griffin began going to her for terrible burgers at every meal, knowing her wisdom would make all his dreams come true. “It was amazing,” said Griffin. “And the best part was, I had her all to myself. They all thought she was just some crazy old loon.” However, after a series of life-ruining events, Griffin realized that everyone else was right, he was living his life based on the ramblings of a raving lunatic. “How could I have been so blind?” said Griffin. “I should have known it was a bad idea to steal the tiger from the Greenville zoo and keep it in my room, but it sure seemed like burger lady was saying I should, so I really don’t see what other choice I had. Plus, it would have made an amazing mascot for Clemson.”
9.) Downtown: The best lunch deals are definitely downtown, as long as you’re willing to spend some real money and leave your TigerStripe at home. From Loose Change daily specials, to your personal winner of the Moe’s versus Chipotle battle royale, you’ll find something that strikes your fancy. Just avoid Little Caesars, or you’ll have to block out some more free time for a stomachache worse than actually going to chem lab. 8.) 2nd floor: Everyone will think you’re super studious for going to the library, but really you’re just going to visit the library’s fun-loving, crazy aunt. It’s a Greek-wide mixer, and you should definitely stop by. Plus, maybe you can finish the APA title page for that paper due tomorrow. You go, you. 7.) Starbucks: Bring a little hipster to Clemson with a cup of some obscure beverage that’s probably not on the menu in that envied white and green cup. Just be careful, Starbucks is crawling with the white girl fever. Scientists are still searching for a cure. 6.) Wendy’s benches: Throw on some Beats and your most official-looking Clemson attire and bring out your inner athlete on one of the benches. It’s never inappropriate to ask for autographs from the locals, either. Maybe one day you’ll make $50 on eBay. 5.) Fike: Apologize to your body for a weekend – or weekday – of too much alcohol, Cook-Out, and Netflix, and hit the gym for once. Whether you run a few miles or lift some heavy things, you’ll feel better for it. And maybe you’ll catch a Clemson Crush or two while you’re at it. 4.) Campus Beach: Forget the drive to Myrtle, now that it’s sunny, you can get your toes in the water and ass in the sand Clemson-style. But fair warning, you may not make it back to campus. Campus Beach is rumored to be a time warp, and who are you to withstand its current.
“How was I supposed to know she was just crazy?”
However, by the time he was 18, Griffin had seen enough television to recognize a third truth: that any black woman over 50 was a cosmic mentor, tasked with guiding not-yet-world-wise white boys through both school and life. While he had no real-life example of this, the fact that this trope appears in nearly every television show, he reasoned, couldn’t possibly be a coincidence.
His real-life example soon met Griffin as a freshman, the first time he went to Harcombe. “I was in the burger line and I noticed the old black lady serving burgers was talking to all the students,” said Griffin. “At first I was doubtful of her powers, because she seemed to be making absolutely no sense, but I knew she must just be speaking cryptically or in metaphors.” From that moment on, he knew for sure that there were, in fact, three certainties in life; death, taxes and black
06
Though it would seem that he should feel some remorse for his actions, and for the tragic death of his roommate, Griffin did not believe any of it was his fault. “I think it’s television’s fault,” said Griffin. “In every TV show I’ve ever seen, the old black lady who speaks in riddles is a wise sage, so how was I supposed to know she was just crazy? They should make those people wear signs!” When asked if that was offensive, Griffin replied, “No. I don’t mean that all black people should wear signs; I meant crazy people,” he said in a clear misunderstanding of the question. In the end, Griffin learned that in life, unlike in television, there are only two certainties: death and taxes. “Yeah, I sure as shit know now. I held out hope they weren’t inevitable for a while, but I saw a guy get shanked to death this morning, and I’m only able to be here ‘cause of taxes,” said Griffin, who is serving a sentence of 10-20.
3.) Hendrix: Because nothing will make your free time more satisfying than a buff chick wrap and fountain drink. Just make sure you have time to finish it. You take that thing to class and people will stare at you, and they will hate you. 2.) Chili’s: On the cruelly bad days, the amazingly good ones, and maybe even on the ones in between, you have no other option but to stop at the only vendor of alcohol on Clemson’s dry campus. Grab a beer, or 8, and make sure to wash it down with a few Tigeritas. Go Tigers, right? 1.) Harcombe: We’re obviously not suggesting you eat here, but rather, we’re suggesting you sit down for some leisurely people-watching. From pajama pants to Crocs, you’ll be the fashion police before you know it. And, if that role gets boring, you can always play “Guess the Gender.” It’s harder than you think.
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ON THE STREETS
WHAT ARE YOU THE PATRON SAINT OF? Kimberly
“Cleaning.”
Devante
“Fike.”
Michelle
“Starbucks.”
07
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THURSDAY
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$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles
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SATURDAY
Flaturday Special 2 flatbreads and a bucket of beers for just $12.95
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$3 Liquid Marijuana, $3 Bahama Mama’s
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$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers
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$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers
Drop-in Reike at Lunchtime $1 PBR
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Players Night
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1/2 Price Bottles of Wine
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$2 Well Drinks
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MONDAY - FRIDAY $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!
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FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99
Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!
ASK THE WAITRESS ABOUT THE HOT WINGS CHALLENGE. CAN YOU DO IT?!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers
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Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm
Go Tigers!
$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!
THURS.
$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!
Ribeye Steak Night! $1 off any Steak Topping, $2 off Bottles of Wine All Day! $8.99 Philly Friday (your choice chicken, pulled pork or brisket, includes fries)
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$0.50 Wings All Day!
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Largest Bloody Mary bar in town!
SATURDAY
Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Members can buy beer and wine to go.
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SUNDAY
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MONDAY
$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night
Manager’s Lunch Special! Low Country and Crawfish Boil, $3 Vodkas
Karaoke With Fred Rock
Bingo at 10pm!
Twosday! Two burger baskets & a pitcher of beer for $12!
TUESDAY
Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers
All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb
$1 Burger Night
Trivia at 10pm!
Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!
WED.
Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers
All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm
Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm
Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...
$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!
THURS.
Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present dan mirabelli wrote this Over the decades, Taco Bell has been known for introducing many ambitious products, and while some reached great success and satiated many a stoner, their risky menu items haven’t always been hits. In honor of the release of the new Taco Bell Breakfast Menu on March 27th, The Black Sheep looks back on failed Taco Bell menu items.
INTRODUCING:
THE FIRST MEAL As Taco Bell’s most recent attempt at breakfast, the fast food chain had to cook up some truly exciting items to stand out in the crowd and overshadow their past failures. With items like the Waffle Taco and the A.M. Crunchwrap, Taco Bell has already drummed up excitement among its fan base. But will they conquer the masses, or will they join the long line of discontinued tortilla-wrapped trash?
THE WAFFLE TACO
The Waffle Taco is exactly what it sounds like, but its most controversial feature is that it is doused in maple syrup. Waffles are not exactly known for being syrup retardant, and within minutes this seemingly glorious creation will be a soggy and sticky mess. We predict that many a customer will order this item to go, only to cover their steering wheel in syrup and ruin their shirt before they even make it to work. Mondays, right Garfield?
A.M. CRUNCHWRAP
Preliminary nutrition reports show that the A.M. Crunchwrap will contain 1250 milligrams of sodium, over half the recommended amount per day for adults under 51. That’s right, you can knock out half your sodium intake for the day for less than $3 before 7 a.m., now that is efficiency at its finest.
Taco Bell Menu Flops: Past and Present
THE FIRST TRY AT BREAKFAST
While many fan reacted to news of a new Taco Bell breakfast menu with enthusiasm and anticipation, most do not know that Taco Bell made a previous attempt in the past to launch a successful breakfast menu. In the 1990s, Taco Bell asked their patrons to “Make a Run for The Border for Breakfast,” however the menu mostly left people making a run for the bathroom. The menu included items like the Double Bacon Egg Burrito and tater-tot-esque potato chunks. Fans of the breakfast menu described the eggs as “Pretty darn good, you can barely tell that they’re instant!”
TACO BELL FRIES
Yes that’s right, fries… from Taco Bell. Intriguing, yes. Tasty, hell no. Taking a page from their popular Nacho Supreme menu item, some dingbat in upper management decided that making Fries Supreme was a good idea in the late 1990s. And in a result that came out of left field, the fries were not a hit. Apparently people don’t enjoy having their crummy fries covered in ground beef and sour cream, who could’ve guessed?
THE BELL BEEFER
In the mid-1980s before Taco Bell thought outside the bun, they had an item that had a bun. For some reason Taco Bell executives decided that simply adhering to “Mexican” food was holding the restaurant back from its true potential, so the Bell Beefer was introduced. Consisting of a more-than-healthy serving of taco meat, shredded cheese, lettuce, and chunks of tomato, Taco Bell burst onto the burger scene. However, the Bell Beefer was essentially a shitty sloppy joe. Being so sloppy, it ruined one too many pairs of parachute pants before it was discontinued.
SEAFOOD SALAD
Another venture that Taco Bell took in the mid 1980s was the ill-fated Seafood Salad. Created to oppose the Filet-OFish, the Seafood Salad included black olives, lettuce, tomato, bay shrimp, white fish, and snow crab. Unfortunately these ingredients tasted far from fresh, and the refrigeration techniques in the 1980s weren’t up to snuff. Due to this and multiple near-lethal food poisoning occurrences, Taco Bell was forced to pull the Seafood Salad from their menu.
If this list has taught you anything, it is to “enjoy” Taco Bell’s menu items as much as you can, because you can never know when your favorite fart-inducing pile of horsemeat will be discontinued. So get to your closest Taco Bell and suck down some ground bacon and instant eggs before they’re gone. But remember to download the new level of that iPhone game you play, because you’ll be spending some extra time on the crapper. And don’t forget to bring a net so you can fish your colon out of the toilet bowl when you’re finished.
BREAKFAST BURRITO AND A.M. GRILLED TACO
Because you can’t have only four items on a menu and odd numbers are the cat’s pajama’s, Taco Bell decided to make one item and pretend that it was two different ones. Boasting eggs, bacon, and cheese, these items are exactly the same except for one key difference. One is a cylindrical, and the other is a semi-circle. This exact item was on the first attempt at breakfast, but the second time’s the charm.
THROWBACK MENU:
SIZZLIN’ BACON
Back in 1995, the head honchos at Taco Bell realized that the taco empire was missing a key ingredient from its Mexican cuisine: Bacon. In order to fill the glaring hole in their lineup, a bacon-centric sub-menu was released that incorporated bacon into 3 menu items. However Taco Bell was ahead of it’s time, and the bacon craze had not entered full swing. For this reason, and the small detail that the “bacon” tasted like awful ham, the Sizzlin’ Bacon Menu didn’t last very long.
BLT TACO: Consisting of bacon, lettuce, tomato, club sauce, and cheddar cheese, the BLT Taco perfectly followed the classic recipe of the BLT. Unfortunately it was unable to attain the success and glory of its namesake, because what type of person walks into a Taco Bell and thinks to themselves “Huh, screw those MexiMelts, I came here for a damn BLT. “ Not a single person on the planet is that stupid, so as quickly as the BLT Taco appeared on the scene, it disappeared.
BACON CHEESEBURGER BURRITO: Unlike the Bell Beefer, this menu item attempted to put the burger into the burrito. But once again, customers realized that instead of eating a bizarre cheeseburgerand-bacon concoction, they could go down the street and buy something better from a restaurant that actually makes their money from making burgers.
CINNABON® DELIGHTS™
It is quite literally impossible to even try to make fun of these. They are going to be delicious, maybe even delightful, and you will surely eat far more than what is healthy for the average person. Actually, eating only one is probably not healthy for you, but what the hell. Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself.
CHICKEN CLUB BURRITO:
In addition to having bacon, this burrito had chicken, lettuce, tomato, and a ranch-like sauce. Why was this delicious-sounding burrito taken off the menu? Because it was atrocious. Chicken. From Taco Bell. In the 1990s. Wanna talk about salmonella? You’d have to wash out you mouth with Purell after every bite, but there’s one problem with that. Purell HADN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET.
Are You SMARTER
THAN?
1) Modern Medicine: What common over-thecounter drug has seen sales restrictions put in place, as it can be used to produce methamphetamine? 2) TV: What TV show sees it opening each episode with two teens, Penny and Luke? 3) Money: The rand is the currency of what African country? 4. Fire: The “fire triangle” is a model that explains the three components needed for fire. Name two. 5) Wordplay: What’s the proper name for rearranging letters in a word or phrase to produce a new word or phrase?
CHEWBACCA of KASHYYYK
6) Geopolitics: The hotly contested Crimean Peninsula is located encircled by what body of water? 7) Technology: What cell phone maker was bought by Google in 2011, only to be sold to laptop maker Lenovo in 2014? 8) Music: What song recently won the 2014 Academy Award for Best Song? 9) Earth: What is the proper name for the thick layer of molten rock between Earth’s crust and core? 10) The alphabet: Without using your hands, what are the two middle letters of the alphabet?
Chewbacca’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) Stuff for colds; I should have watched more Breaking Bad. 2) How I Met Your Mother3) Botswana 4) Fuel and oxygen 5) Anagram 6) 6) The Black Sea 7) Motorola 8) “Let it Go” from Frozen 9) Mantle 10) M, N
1) Sudafed 2) How I Met Your Mother 3) South Africa 4) Fuel, heat, oxygen 5) Anagram 6) The Black Sea 7) Motorola 8) “Let it Go” from Frozen 9) Mantle 10) M, N
Chewbacca’s Score: 8 out of 10
DRINKING GAME Pennies Look, laundry week really socked it to ya, and it’s not like you’re breaking into numismatic collection just to entertain your roommates. Pennies, it is! Stack ‘em up and have at it. What You’ll Need: Pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. Number of Players: Two Level of Intoxication: Hey, Lincoln indulged in a belt of whiskey once in a while. How to Play: - Both players assemble a stack of ten pennies in front of them. - Players take turns sliding pennies across the table, attempting to knock down his opponent’s stack. - Each time a player fails to knock down his opponent’s stack, add that penny to the top of the opponent’s stack. - If a player misses his opponent’s stack entirely, he must drink one. - If a player hits his opponent’s stack but fails to knock it over, he must drink two drinks. - If the penny used by the shooter stops and remains in contact with his opponent’s stack, the shooter must drink three drinks. - If a player manages to topple his opponent’s stack, the loser must drink the same number of drinks as there are pennies on the winner’s stack. The Game Ends When: John Wilkes Booth shows up. : (((((((((((((((((
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