The Black Sheep
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Volume 3, Issue 7 11/15/12 - 12/6/12
the Best and Worst Parts of Thanksgiving Break blake miller wrote this
Thanksgiving seems to be the forgotten holiday; if anything this is because of its inopportune timing. November is that awkward month in between the slutty Halloween costumes and the Christmas mayhem. The leaves changed colors a while ago, and now everything’s just brown and dead. It’s cold, but not cold enough to snow - so really, what’s your deal, November? It has to be some sort of bipolar disorder. Here are the best and the worst things about your Thanksgiving break. Best - Food: If you want college students to come to an event, all you have to do is promise free t-shirts and food. National Coin Collecting Convention? As long as there’s free pizza there, you can count us in! Don’t believe us? Just check your emails! We’d bet nine out of ten are from student groups promising pizza if you show up and pretend to care about raising awareness for deaf cats. So you’ve got to know that the best thing about Thanksgiving break is taking part in one of everyone’s favorite activities - eating until you’re unable to move. Now, one might reasonably argue that “not moving” is the complete opposite of what constitutes an activity, and you’d be right. And we would try to propose a counterargument, but we’re too busy stuffing our faces full of pumpkin pie, pouring gravy all over our faces and drifting happily into diabetic comas. So, who’s the real winner, here? Not you. Best - No School!: You’ve been “studying” for over three months straight now, including the week before Thanksgiving break when almost every professor teams up to swamp you with tests. But now, it’s finally time to head back home and relax. You don’t have to deal with stressful assignments or teachers glaring at you for stalking your roommate’s hot sister’ friend on Facebook during class. It’s the good life. How will you spend all of this extra time to yourself, you ask? Might we suggest eating more food again? Seriously - it’s Thanksgiving. The whole holiday is built around a feast. And you’re a college student who is running on ramen and beer fumes. Take advantage of this opportunity while you have the chance. Oh yeah, and watch some football! Worst - No School (Sort of): Remember the paragraph you just read about how you didn’t have to deal with schoolwork anymore? Yeah, well it lied. Although you will not have to turn in any assign-
The Worst Types of Black Friday Shoppers
ments, the higher ups always conveniently place finals week right after Thanksgiving. So unless you’re on the seven-year plan to get your bachelor’s degree, it’s probably wise to start studying up during the break. Bring those books home and take them into the toilet following your Thanksgiving Day feast. Trust us, you’ll get some work done.
Now, if it were just your mom and dad, then it’d be understandable to want to stay home a little longer. But with Thanksgiving comes all of the crazy aunts and uncles and cousins-twice-removed that want to pinch your cheeks, get your name wrong, and talk about embarrassing childhood memories that you’ve been attempting, all semester, to repress through heavy drinking.
Worst - Random Relatives: It’s always nice to be around your family after not seeing them for so long - for about a grand total of one day. After that, you’re mainly just focused on getting back to your apartment so you can curse without offending your grandma.
In the end, it’s best just to hang out by the bonfire and hope that you get out of the break without some emotional scarring. Eat a ton of food, practice study-shitting, and sleep. You’ll come back ready and willing to be butt-f’d by your professors during finals.
what’s inside
Top 10 Asshole College Football Head Coaches
Thanksgiving in the Year 3000
Not even the food court is safe. just Stay home!
You’ll never take Nice Guy Dabo for granted again.
Stuffing takes on a whole new meaning 1000 years into the future.
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contents page 6: The Thanksgiving
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
Football Classic
Detroit fans, just start drinking now. Trust us.
page 7: from the streets
Table of
what are you most looking forward to during thanksgiving break?
page 9: How to Turkey Bowl A good way to start is by channeling Sammy Watkins.
page 10-11: turkey time! What did your childhood hand-turkey say about you?
page 12: bartender of the week Ashton from loose change tells us who it is that smells like Bourbon and Plan B.
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! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Black Friday
“The One Day a Year When Your Mom Isn’t Your Mom Anymore.”
Sexy Anagrams
“How come no one believes this is my uniform and I’m back from duty?” (Want to be humiliated next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Rearward Job Sent
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Fecal Seems Jest last week’s answers
Kristen Bell & Jared Leto
word of the week Lamerick:
A popular quote or turn of phrase that transcends annoying, to become repugnant. “There once was a woman named Coco/Who always would shout out, “YOLO!”/Then one day/All her friends went away/Because holy shit, that lamerick is crazy annoying.”
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Why the ACC Championship needs a Clemson-Florida State Rematch Dustin Bertelsenwrote this So far this 2012 NCAA Football season has been filled with many backwards things happening - Kansas State is top ranked, Notre Dame is a legitimate National Championship contender, and Penn State isn’t getting blown ou-, er, losing every game. One conference, however, is in a state of complete disarray: The Atlantic Coast Conference. As of now, the best teams in the ACC conference are two Atlantic Division teams: Clemson and Florida State, both boasting one-loss records. The ACC Championship dictates that the best team in the Atlantic Division faces the best team from the Coastal Division. This year, however, this formula robs a great team of a possible chance at winning the conference, and robs the conference from a possible great matchup for the ACC Championship. The Coastal Division is an utter disaster. The best team in the division, North Carolina, has a postseason ban and is bowlineligible. This stems from a sack full of rules violations a few years back that led to the firing of Coach Butch Davis before the 2011 season. The rest of the division is terrible. Virginia Tech has played awfully, Miami can’t even spell the word “football,” and the last remaining bowl eligible team is Duke, who is having its first winning season in over 15 years. Also of note is that Miami’s athletic department is considering a post-season ban themselves, as they too have rule violations yet to be investigated by the NCAA. Not that they would go anywhere in the post season anyway, like any good team of convicts they’re
handing themselves in, hoping for a lighter sentence. Clemson, however, has only one loss (to Florida State in Tallahassee) and has done great this season. They’ve broke many ACC records, most notably the streak of 37+ point games, 8 and counting. They have proven that they are the only team that can hold a candle to the Seminoles, and would be a more worthy opponent for a rematch with Florida State in Charlotte on December 1. Simply, putting the average-at-best teams of Miami, Virginia Tech, Duke, or even Virginia does the conference an incredible disservice. It tarnishes the already non-sterling reputation of the conference and the game would be a farce in Florida State’s favor. Imagine the utter ass-kicking that would ensue if Duke rematched Florida State in the conference title game. Duke lost to FSU by a score of 48-7 a few weeks ago. Aside from the slip up to an overrated NC State, and the barnburner vs. Clemson, Florida State has been steamrolling each and every one of its opponents. The ACC title game will be no exception when they play any team from the Coastal Division. Just give them the trophy now, so we don’t have to see their smug, racist faces on national television. Clemson is a better matchup for the Seminoles, it would lead to more tickets sold and a higher rated game. Not only would it be a good game, but there would be no worry of Duke fans missing the game because they’re completely unaware that
FRIDAY IS LADIE’S NIGHT!
football is still going on. Yes, we should make an exception, if two teams in the same division are painfully better than the rest of the conference put together, those two teams shall play each other for the ACC Conference Championship. Look we just wrote that rule for you, not put it in the book. If Alabama and LSU can rematch in the National Championship, then it shouldn’t be that far fetched to have a Clemson-FSU rematch for the ACC Championship game.
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The Worst Types of Black Friday Shoppers blake miller wrote this Every year on the Friday right after Thanksgiving, retail stores lower their prices by half a percent, and millions of Americans flock to malls as if John and George were resurrected and The Beatles were playing a single reunion show. This day, termed Black Friday, pushes all of the stores out of the red, but by the end of the night, red is all that you, the shopper, are going to be seeing. While there’s a chance that you may leave the store with a good deal, it’s almost a certainty that you won’t leave without dangerously high blood pressure and a few battle wounds. Here is a list of every Black Friday shopper’s worst nightmares. Overzealous Grandmas: Everyone loves their grandma, and if you don’t, stop reading this right now and go repent. Grandmas always have the best candy, and they always will give you whatever your parents didn’t want you to have. While this is generally a good thing for your childhood, it’s a catastrophe when a grandmother’s love is combined with Black Friday shopping. All of that spoiling is channeled into a semi-psychotic rage, which can only be satisfied by getting every single toy, whatever the cost. Don’t get in the way of her proving her love to her grandchildren via fuzzy new toys. It doesn’t matter if she broke her hip the day before - if you’re standing between her and the last Tickle-Me-Elmo, you’re going to end up in the Tickle-Me-Hospital-Bed. Middle-aged Balding Man Waiting to Get the Next Great Video Game: When people think of Black Friday deals, most immediately think of electronics. When video game developers come out with a hot new game or a completely new console, you best believe they’re going to debut it sometime in November to take advantage of the Black Friday chaos. And with those new consoles, all of the antisocial video game addicts are going to try to re-integrate themselves into society. Who wants to stand in line behind a severely balding middle-aged man with his Dorito-stained shirt tucked into his sweatpants? This is the only time you’re ever going to see him out of his mom’s basement, so you better believe he’s going to make his couple hours out in public count for something, too. Be prepared
to listen to him brag about all of the “quests” that he’s been on, and don’t even get him started on all of the hot babes he’s been chatting to online. In fact, it’d be better just to avoid the electronics section in general. Reluctant Boyfriends Who Are Just Taking Up Space: Then you have the people like me, a reluctant boyfriend who, for some inconceivable reason, was dragged along on this horrible roller coaster ride that only goes down. Not only will you have to put up with me complaining the entire time, but I’ll also just be blocking your view of all of the sweet deals you’re trying to take advantage of while I try to ignore all the suicidal thoughts running through my head. And don’t forget the judgmental looks that I’ll be sending your way for trampling that six-year old just to get your hands on a new cashmere sweater. Just let me stay home and digest my turkey in peace, please. Of course you’ll have your tired, delusional mothers-of-fives, aunts, and generally women of all kinds – but you don’t need to worry about them. They’ve been here before, it’s a cut-throat game and they’re running the show. Just beware of the three listed above, and you’ll avoid judgment, conversations about hacking Brazzers, or worse, putting someone’s grandma in a coma because you snagged the last $8 first generation iPod.
FRI 11/16: Jamie Wright Experience 8pm SAT 11/17: Craig Sorrells Project 8pm
Groucho’s Deli: Fast, Fresh, Original Since 1941! Groucho’s Deli of Clemson 104 Finley St. | Clemson, SC (864) 653.7764 Like us on Facebook!! fb.com/grouchos
The Top 10
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Biggest Asshole College Football Coaches Smack talk. Recruiting violations. Cockiness. It’s all part of the job, right? Unfortunately, these seem to be the credentials for some of the nation’s best college football head coaches. Here are the ten worst.
The Thanksgiving Classic Football Game Dustin Bertelsen wrote this For most people the Thanksgiving holiday represents a chance to be thankful for one’s blessings from the previous year. It allows one to enjoy family gatherings, and indulge in hearty meals of turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pies, and all sorts of culinary masterpieces. But for two cities in the United States, Thanksgiving means one thing: football. The Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys traditionally play the NFL Thanksgiving Classic every year, having played on Turkey Day going as far back as the 1920s. The NFL later decided to add a third game with two separate teams, if only because the NFL is an insatiable money-eating monster.
2003, when they defeated their adversary, the Green Bay Packers.
One only has to venture into the Eastern Market district in downtown Detroit to witness this craze. The insane Detroiters and Canadians that pack the market at 6 a.m. with their RVs, trucks, vans, and all sorts of other tailgating gear actually would give old Tigertown a run for its money. These Lions fans have a reason to get hammered though: their team is horrendous and getting rip-roaring drunk is a necessity to actually enjoying their games. They start the tailgating in sub-40 degree weather, drinking themselves a nice warm beer-jacket before 10 a.m.
The Cowboys-Skins game will be tougher to call, but Dallas seems to be pretty successful at home on Turkey Day (they’ve fared better than the Lions, having won 4 out of their past 5 Thanksgiving Day games), and Tony Romo won’t have to cry while eating his apple pie afterwards, at least not because he is a terrible football player. Prediction: 24-21 Cowboys.
Detroit’s hospitals tend to have about 10 cases of deep fried turkey explosion related injuries due to the schwasted fans forgetting to thaw their birds before dropping them in the hot oil. These fans are true diehards - every year they go through this ritual, and in the last 8 years, they’ve had the privilege of watching their dear Lions get their asses handed to them. Imagine having grandma call your girlfriend fat in one ear, all while having to watch your beloved team get murdered on national television. In recent years, the Thanksgiving Classic has been a showcase for other teams to absolutely destroy the Detroit Lions and put all their drunken fans into a stupor before the turkey hits the oven. The Lions have not won a Thanksgiving Day game since
This year’s matchups include Detroit facing the Houston Texans, Dallas facing the Robert Griffin IIIled Washington Redskins, and the third game being the AFC East heated rivalry between the New England Patriots and the New York Jets. Being that the Texans are arguably the best team in the AFC, Detroit will undoubtedly get destroyed and embarrass themselves on national television during Thanksgiving… again. Prediction: 38-14 Texans.
The third game normally would be a landslide in favor of the Patriots, but the Pats recently struggled to defeat the Jets at home this season. However, Tom Brady is 2-0 when playing on the holiday that started where his team resides. And Rex Ryan will likely be focusing more on eating his weight in deep-fried anything than the game. Prediction: 26-17 Patriots. So football fans and Americans alike, while you’re waiting to engorge your bodies in a Rex Ryanesque manner, tune into these NFL games and enjoy a bit of the ‘ole pigskin. Watching two mediocre football teams moronically run into each other is sure to be more entertaining than trying to have awkward conversations with your Aunt Edna, or suffering through those dark thoughts after cramming a third helping of mashed potatoes down your gullet. Eat hearty, ignore your family, and watch football. ‘Murica.
10.) Bo Pelini: Other than chewing out his own quarterback, every referee, and some of his assistant coaches on national TV, Pelini is a nice guy. He even promised a United States naval officer the opportunity to call a play during Nebraska’s bowl game two years ago. Oh wait, he never lived up to that promise, and sourly remarked that it was all a joke. Good one, Bo. 9.) Will Muschamp: Muschamp is one of the most animated coaches in college football. He dances up and down the sideline, screams his head off and throws his headset. Now if he would only stop yelling at the sideline reporters too. It’s just a game, Focker! 8.) Mack Brown: Brown is considered to have the “best job in college football.” He has a wealth of talent to pick from in the Lone Star state, a fantastic facility and a $5.2 million salary at a time when Texas is making academic budget cuts. He also blames his team’s current struggles on the team’s commitment to the Longhorn Network TV channel. 7.) Mike Leach: Everyone knows the story of Leach locking a player in a dark electrical closet (which was more of a garage than a closet) after he pissed him off. But the worst part is that he refused to apologize. Instead, he chose to be fired before writing a simple apology. 6.) Urban Meyer: He gave us Tim Tebow. That should be enough. But add in the fact that he bolted from Florida to “spend more time with his family” only to take a job as a commentator for a year. Then he went to the center of college football douchiness, Ohio State. 5.) Les Miles: There are some coaches out there who truly believe they are doing kids a favor by letting them play on their team. Les Miles is one of these coaches. He recently blasted a 17-year old recruit publicly for not choosing LSU, saying he didn’t have “the chest” to lead his team. I guess being Bama’s less athletic little brother in the SEC can stress a guy out. 4.) Nick Saban: Robo-Saban is a heck of a coach. But he’s known for being robotic in how he interacts with the media. No emotion, no humor, no fun. Ever. Strictly business. There’s even a story going around about how Saban once ignored and stepped over a vomiting, convulsing player instead of seeing if he was ok. Robo-Saban not programmed for emotion. Robo-Saban programmed to win. 3.) Rich Rodriguez: RichFraud signed an extension with his old team, West Virginia, just four months before leaving for Michigan where he led them to their worst season in history (3-9), and a shit ton of NCAA violations. Oh, did we mention that his resignation came just two weeks before WVU was set to play Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl? He also has the dirtiest mouth in college football. Often degrading players so bad that they leave the team to keep their dignity. 2.) Steve Spurrier: The Ol’ Ball Sack, er, we mean coach, really knows how to stir the pot. Spurrier is notoriously hated by the entire SEC as well as every educated resident of South Carolina. Yeah, you won the Heisman like 50 years ago, but what happened in the pros again? Oh, that’s right, nothing. As a player OR a coach. While he was a great coach for the Gators in the 90s, he’s the perfect dick to coach the Cocks. 1.) Lane Kiffin: Where do we start? How about Kiffin’s bitch fight with the late Al Davis, the former owner of the Oakland Raiders? Kiffin was fired for being a “flat out liar,” and was such a little bitch about it that he decided to steal all of the assistant coaches and bring them to Tennessee. Then he weaseled out of UT after a 7-6 season to head to USC. Despite no big wins on his resume, the douchiest coach in college football continues to find work at big time schools. He also continues to produce nothing but unfulfilled expectations and a wave of NCAA violations.
chris dart wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What are you most looking forward to during Thanksgiving Break? “Going to my Grandma’s house because she’s a professional pastry chef from Germany. It’s like, the best thing EVER!” - Natalie, Senior
“Food... obviously. Sweet potato casserole! Can’t be nutritious all the time...” - Brittany, Senior
“Seeing my sister again and catching up on all the calories I’ve been missing out on. Oh and sleeping. Definitely sleeping.” - Nick, Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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How To: Turkey Bowl
Scott Gantner wrote this
page 9
Many of us partake in the time-honored tradition of playing football on Thanksgiving. It’s as American as apple pie topped with bacon bits. For a good number of us, this gathering of friends and family for a low-stakes game always seems to end up as an embarrassingly passive-aggressive affair. It combines all the forced interactions of a family gathering with the cut-throat competitiveness of playing Monopoly with your sworn enemy, or for that matter, playing Monopoly with anyone. Good news: It doesn’t have to be this way! Here are a few simple steps you can take to get the most out of your Turkey Bowl. Cardio: You hate to hear it, but you should work out more. Let’s face it, you’re not in the same shape you were in high school, and that pack a day habit is only helping Mr. Philip Morris. The best way to you give yourself the upper hand against Billy Anderson’s bump-and-run coverage is to have the lung power to run the length of the field more than once. Cleats: That’s right, you’re gonna be that guy. In late November, the grass is muddy and slippery. Wearing cleats to a pickup game might earn you a few funny looks, but it will also give you the ability to change directions. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be Sammy Watkins? You can find out by reversing the field and watching defenders stumble as their old gym shoes fail to grip the earth, making them look like a bunch of top-heavy mouth-breathers. Guard the Slowpoke: Oh look, Uncle Jerry is still limping from his knee surgery. You’re gonna want to start trash talking him about forty-five minutes before the first snap. Really lay into him. Bring up childhood sporting failures, receding hairlines, impotence, anything and everything. Eventually, he’ll fire back some comment about how he used to earn medals for getting rid of kids your age in Korea. First of all,
he’ll be way out of line, and you’ll get the crowd on your side, but that’s not the point. Now that he’s taken a shot at you, it won’t seem strange when you demand to guard him. You just earned a day free of playing defense. At this point, ease up on the trash talk. That Korea rant sounded a little too real to be made up on the spot. Hitch and Go: Alright, you spent the first half running a bunch of curl routes (this will be important later) and playing nice. Everyone has finally stopped laughing after the ball hit Kevin in the nuts. The moms have grown bored and left to start peeling sweet potatoes. Now it’s game time. The goal now is to show some real football skills. Everyone will be chomping at the bit to make a big play, and you’re gonna use this to your advantage. Tell your QB the plan in the huddle and follow these steps closely. At the snap of the pigskin, run eight yards right at your overanxious defender and stop. Turn back and look for the pass. The QB will pump fake right at you. As soon as he does, the restless cornerback will jump out in front of you. You immediately turn upfield and sprint toward the end zone as your co-conspirator at quarterback lofts an easy pass into your arms. You just scored a backbreaking fifty-yard touchdown and took the lead. Now is the perfect time to do a sexually suggestive dance. Get Drunk: If all else fails, and it’s pretty clear that you’re the worst athlete on the field, crack open the cooler and don’t look back. It turns out that your hand-eye coordination is less than spectacular. You might as well get blasted and see if it improves. At the very least, no one will blame you for dropping an interception if you’re struggling to walk. Some may say the game is not about who wins, it’s all about having fun. Well, those people are pussies, and this Thanksgiving they’re getting an ass-kicking.
it’s turkey time!
Remember those amazingly hideous hand drawn turkey’s we loved to draw as a child? You know, where you traced your hand on a piece of paper, used the brown crayon to color inside the lines, and maybe add a sloppy beak? Well we rounded up some of our favorite imaginary tikes to check out their drawings, varying in personalities from extremely talented to extremely worrisome. By: Brendan and Quinn
The Future Serial Killer
The Hardcore A.D.D. Kid
What You’re Seeing: A perfect storm. A child with no regard for the feelings of other living creatures, an open willingness to act on these desires, and a lack of understanding of their wrongdoing - all in cutesy turkey form.
What You’re Seeing: “Teacher says I have to draw a turkey but did you know about airplanes? They go fast and so do lizards I like snakes so sometimes I draw snakes and this swirl means this finger is actually a portal to—hey, do you know who the 13th president was? It was Millard Fillmore, his name sounds like a duck, which is actually a mallard with an ‘I,’ did you know some lizards have three eyes, well they do and…”
Initial Reaction: “Oh look, Billy made us a cute drawing! Let’s put it on the refrig — Billy, give mommy the band saw.” This Kid’s Future: As Billy begins to mature, so will his art. In junior high he’ll master the human skeletal system, and be able to accurately sketch the different parts of the human skull, frenetically letting anyone within earshot know, “that the human skull is actually made up of fourteen bones fused together—the pterion is its weakest part!” In high school Billy will discover American Psycho, learning to quote it from memory. As he moves on to college, students on campus start to disappear. One day police will knock politely on his door, hearing a low, “Come in…” emanate from the other side. When they enter Billy will be joyously sitting in a kiddie pool full of blood, watching reruns of Ancient Aliens, waiting patiently to spend the rest of his life in the slammer.
Initial Reaction: “Well Thomas, this certainly is…some things on a piece of paper. Here, have some pills.” This Kid’s Future: After diagnosis and proper medication Tom lives a relatively normal life void of manic highs and crushing lows. As Tom’s parents leave him at college he vows to figure out life for himself, and begins weaning himself off of his pills. Some days things are brighter than they’ve ever been—other times he can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. After a particularly crippling bout with self-loathing he decides to self-medicate with his roommate’s psychedelics stash, thus beginning a long-term love affair with the Grateful Dead. Eventually he starts following a Grateful Dead cover band around the country, drawing trippy caricatures of audience members for $5 a pop, or a hit of acid, whichever they prefer.
’ ’ The Protege
The Early Puberty Little Asshole
The Refugee from a War-Torn Country
What You’re Seeing: The genesis of genius. First, hand turkeys, then real turkeys, then jive turkeys, then the world! Initial Reaction: “Quick, are there any shady art schools that will accept hush money to get this kid into advanced classes like, right now?” This Kid’s Future: After Karen graduated from the Rhode Island School of Design at 16 she emancipated herself from her family to join a troupe of polyamorous artists on a voyage across the Sub-Saharan Africa. She changed her name from Karen to Sonoria, because that’s what her spirit sandwich told her to do. She finally ascends to the world’s stage in her early thirties, fulfilling her potential with the epic work, “We’re All the World’s Turkey,” in which she makes a statement on the globalization of genetically modified foods by duct taping rotten turkey carcasses to oversized globes. For this, she won a Nobel Prize.
What You’re Seeing: Two weeks ago this kid discovered his little needle dick was capable of doing other things besides peeing. And now, the little bastard can’t get it out of his mind. Initial Reaction: “Wow you did a very nice job shading – wait a second… GET THAT DOWN FROM THE COCK I MEAN CORK BOARD NOW!” The Kid’s Future: He’ll grow taller than everyone in his class, and his mustache will sprout shortly after. Girls will be drawn to him, as he excels in youth football and isn’t shy to talk about his erection in public. He’ll start banging everything imaginable, from vacuums to pantyhose boxes to his grandma’s plastic couch. Nothing in the world matters anymore, sex becomes an obsession. In high school he gets into a habit of “hitting and quitting,” but since he entered the wonderful world of sexploration before being educated, he leaves a wake of disease yet to be encountered by mankind. You see, as he was humping away his adolescence, fungus combined from the couch, refrigerator, vacuum etc. into what will become the next Black Death. This kids is Patient Zero.
What You’re Seeing: This place has electricity and running water all the time? How does it get any better than this? Initial Reaction: “I’m—I’m crying because this is just so beautifully terrible!” This Kid’s Future: After getting the last flight out of Tripoli before shit really got real, Samir ended up living with his aunt and uncle as a refugee in the United States. His first Thanksgiving he’d never seen so much food—he’d swear he’d make the best life he could for him and his family. Years later he became a naturalized citizen, later becoming a outspoken community leader who really fuckin’ loves turkey.
The fatty fat fat fat
The poor poor kid
What You’re Seeing: The wildest fantasies of a morbidly obese child come to life. This hand, with which I eat food, is now food? Initial Reaction: “Boy, take that paper out of your mouth. You know that’s not really food, right? The Kid’s Future: To ring in his 24th birthday Luther decided to hit up his local Taco Bell for their latest treat: The Cheesy Bacon Bean Bucket, 3,000 calories of maximum deliciousness. Exiting the store Luther began to sweat profusely, and he was forced to take a seat in the middle of the parking lot. Luckily, two paramedics in an ambulance were in the drive-thru lane, and they offered him their assistance. A brief jaunt to the hospital and several x-rays later, it became apparent that young Luther would need extensive heart surgery to unblock some clogged arteries. He died during surgery. Luckily, his fatty body helped create some of the most delicious Soylent Green ever created.
What You’re Seeing: “The assignment told us to use crayons but mom melted all our crayons and breathed in the smoke so I found some lead by the railroad, but then I lost my folder and it got lost in the grocery bag I use for a book bag. “ Initial Reaction: Well, he’s doing the best he can with what he’s given, but if his hand turkey is any indication of the turkey he’ll see on Thanksgiving, it looks like it’s going to be another year of Capri Suns and cigarettes for poor Jimmy. The Kid’s Future: Teachers will root for him as he does his best to attend as much school as he can. In high school he’ll drop out to take care of his younger siblings while logging a few online art classes at the local community college. Eventually he’ll knock up whatever else didn’t move on to college, instantly losing interest in each of his subsequent children. At one point his son will bring up a drawing of a turkey, but he’ll use it for a coffee coaster, telling Jimmy Junior all the turkeys are dead so they’re getting peanut butter for dinner again – but in the back of his mind he’ll remember his turkey, and how he too once dreamt of a career in art.
The Kid Who Will Repeat Sixth Grade (Four Times) What You’re Seeing: Hey, turkeys have eyes and mouths too, so this drawing isn’t all wrong, okay Picasso? Initial Reaction: “Sarah, this is a great drawing of…the Hamburger Helper mascot?” This Kid’s Future: At seventeen Sarah lost interest in the fate of Mr. Seuss’ green eggs and ham, so she decided to quit school, opting to try her hand in the workforce. After getting fired for trying to cook a steak in a tanning bed Sarah figured a life in the sex industry might be for her. She cashed her first paycheck from Brazzers -which was for more money than she could count, literally—and she realized this was the life for her. After a few years of hardcore ATM, TAP, DA+DV, QLS, OFF and LRW she retired rich, happy and stupid to a trailer park in rural Alabama.
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bartender of the week Ashton c. loose change Major: Travel and Tourism Management
If you could have any superpower, what would it be: The power to compel people to speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: I’m a lover not a fighter.
Granny panties, thong, or commando: Depends on the mood.
What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job: “Chem students do it on the table periodically.”
Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with: Honey Boo Boo. She is precious
Relationship Status: Single
What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the job: “You smell like bourbon and Plan B.” If you could be a holiday, which would you be: Halloween. I like to play pretend. What event is craziest at Loose Change: The Christmas party. What dead person would you want to bring back to life: Marilyn Monroe without a doubt.
the drinking game
blackout friday
What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: She doesn’t know for a reason. Don’t ask, don’t tell kind of policy. During the time at your bar, about how many numbers have you gotten on the job: A lady never tells. How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight: 4-years old are the death of me. Favorite place to party: It’s not about the place, it’s more so the quality of people.
Recipe for Disaster
meaty fumble
Doesn’t going to the insanely crowded mall at 5 a.m. on Black Friday with every psychotic soccer mom in town sound like a hell of a good time? No, actually, it doesn’t. Going on a booze run, hitting up the mall around noon, and taking a swig every time some shopper does something nuts is so much better.
What’s better than some hot, cheesy, meaty dip to complement your favorite beer while watching your favorite football team? Nothing. Well, maybe a quickie during a commercial break, but that’s about it. Instead of letting all that meat and cheese go bad in your fridge and stink up your apartment, make a dip that will over-satisfy your produce and dairy cravings.
What You’ll Need: Beer or hard alcohol and something to conceal it in (unless you don’t mind those mall cops angrily chasing after you). Number of Players: In the spirit of the holidays, the more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: It’s called Blackout Friday…
What You’ll Need: One package of cream cheese, one container of sour cream, as much meat and cheese as you can handle, a cup of some type of chopped veggie topping (tomatoes or bell peppers are best), lettuce and a package of taco seasoning. Cook Time: 15 minutes. Fatty Factor: Oh, like you even care.
How To Play: Take a swig of booze every time… - You witness a fender bender in the parking lot. - You see some punk-ass kid get away with shoplifting something useless. - Two women get in a fight over the last item on the shelf. - A fed up sales associate quits after being hassled by crazies all morning. - You hear someone brag about how they have been shopping since 4 a.m. - You see a screaming child left in a shopping cart. - You see a boyfriend or husband that’s been stuck holding his woman’s purse. - You see someone frantically drinking Starbucks for more energy. Game Ends When: You’re too intoxicated to be in the mall any longer so you stumble to the nearest bar.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Combine cream cheese, sour cream, and taco seasoning. - Spread the mix at the bottom of a serving plate. -Take whatever meat you have in that nasty fridge of yours-- whether it’s pepperoni, ham, bologna, lamb chops, it doesn’t matter! Cover the mix with meat. - Take whatever cheese is in your fridge and cover the meat. - Make it somewhat healthy by adding a veggie topping and lettuce. - Sit back, relax, crack open an ice-cold beer, and shove you face with the meaty cheesy concoction. Make sure you are using fresh ingredients. You don’t want to vom from eating bad meat, you want to vom from eating too much good meat!
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page 13
Thanksgiving in 3000:
Looking Back on an Antiquated Holiday phil keller wrote this Thanksgiving has come quite a long way since that first awkward, interracial feast. Apparently, the pilgrims were smart enough to sail all the way across the Atlantic, but were starving because they couldn’t grasp the complexities of corn, maize, or corn mazes. The Indians felt sorry for these sad sacks full of smallpox, in their fancy boy buckles and pantaloons, and helped them survive the winter. This act turned out to be the biggest backfire in history right next to George Lucas trying to resurrect the Star Wars franchise, and Kevin Federline’s parents’ decision to drink too much wine and play a few rounds of “tickling and dickling” in 1977. In the years since the first Thanksgiving, the holiday has gone from a tradition of corn and blunderbusses, to football, awkward family tension, and the customary racist comments from grandparents. If this trend continues, the future of Turkey Day is going to be very different from the holiday that we now know and enjoy. Check that, the holiday we tolerate… through the awesome power of alcohol.
turned the room’s attention into light banter about what the Panthers should’ve done, examined from every possible perspective.
One thousand years in the future, our robot overlords have done away with most holidays, for they have no practical uses. However, our most logically programmed animatronic leader, President-Kingand-Tyrant Barack Robotma, still permits the celebration of Thanksgiving for the time being. In the year 3000, the turkey has gone the way of dinosaur and Pogs, and the preparation of all of the traditional Thanksgiving food has been thought of as inefficient. So, in the future, the entire Thanksgiving spread has been condensed into a single convenient suppository. With the application of a little lubricant and a few seconds of severe discomfort, you can enjoy turkey, potatoes, gravy, beans, corn, cranberries, and three kinds of dip - effectively putting a whole new spin on the word “stuffing.”
In the future, we gather around and watch actual Megatrons seismically spike footballs into literal, genetically manipulated New York Giants on Thanksgiving. Fortunately, the players can entertain for hours without needing rest, so gone are the days of enduring atrocious halftime performances, which, at present day, seem to alternate between geriatric douches like John Cougar Mellencamp and Madonna butchering “God Bless America,” or boy bands that wiggle their tiny dongs around for five minutes. Of course, last year all bets were off when we had to endure ten minutes of Nickelback during halftime of the Lions’ game, as if the city of Detroit hadn’t suffered enough.
Football used to serve as the centerpiece of the day, for it distracted the conversation away from your loud, compulsively gambling uncle, as well as diverting attention away from Grandma saying she’s worried that your half-Pakistani boyfriend of three-years is only going to marry you so he can steal you back to his country (she says this in front of him, too, thinking he is her old butler). Yes, football has
Dearest readers, enjoy Thanksgiving while you can; for there may be a time in the future when we our cyborg overlords work us to death in the krypton mines and we have nothing to be thankful for or even get the day off. So this Thanksgiving, relax, grab a beer, and overeat until you hate yourself. Cherish this feeling, because the future is scary. Just ask Grandma - you can bet she didn’t plan on living to see a Muslim president re-elected.
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Think you found everything in the Pleasantville Thanksgiving? Send an email to thanksgiving@theblacksheeponline.com, and let us know where it all is. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
the classtime “Hi there, and welcome to the 2130 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I’m your host, robo-__1__. I’m here with my beautiful co-host of a revived corpse, __2__! Say ‘hello!’” “Hello to all our viewers out there!’ To think, just a little over 100 years ago, I was too busy __3__ to even eat a Thanksgiving dinner, now I’m hosting the parade!”
madlib: Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade 2130
“And look what we have here, __10__! A float for the 137th installment of __11__ franchise! According to my notes, in this laugh riot the gang travels to the __12__ of the __13__ in order to get __14__—who was convicted of trafficking __15__ to the world’s most powerful country, __16__—back to __17__ in time to __18__ his __19__. It’s a surefire blast!”
“Enough with the introductions “Now here comes a classic—the tur__4__, let’s take a look at what this key balloon! As it turns onto 6th Avparade has to offer!” enue it—Oh…oh god! Oh god, no! The turkey has burst into flames! It’s “First up today is the wonderful beyond belief! Beyond imagination! __5__ balloon! Can you believe the I can see celebrity balloon handler company chose to brand themselves __20__ running for her life. She— with a __6__? The company really she’s not going to make it! People took a turn for the worse __7__ years are taking shelter in the brand-new ago, when founder __8__ revealed __21__ Building! This is a day that that he’s actually a __9__.” will live in infamy. Oh, the humanity!”
Meet The Staff campus manager Molly Griffin
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campus director Brendan Bonham
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owner Atish Doshi
Writers Dustin Bertelsen, Blake Miller,
Founders Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers
photographer Victoria Cervone Cartoonist Andreas Aristides distribution manager Jason Glover Social media manager Lauren White
1) Old person 2) Troubled celebrity 3) Illegal activity 4) Same as #2 5) Company 6) Weird logo 7) Number 8) Company founder 9) Weird thing 10) Same as #1 11) Movie franchise 12) Geographic feature 13) City 14) Character in #11’s movie 15) Illegal item 16) Country 17) Different country 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Current famous person 21) Current up-and-coming company
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the classtime
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House.
wedding song: • “I Want Your Sex” • “Red Solo Cup (Party Mix!)” • “I Love College” • “Who Let The Dogs Out?”
mode of transportation: • Marbles • Children • 1987 Jeep Comanche • Crab Walk
wife: • Miss Cleo • Missy Elliot • Miss Bliss • Miss Arkansas 1980
Honeymoon adventure: - Mixin’ with a Mexican drug cartel - Pickpocketing in Paris - Nudist colony in Nepal - Curling in Canada
all-time favorite tv show: • Making The Band: Season 3 • 106 & Park • Britney and Kevin: Chaotic • Family Feud w/ Richard Karn
first date: • Dine and dashed at Olive Garden • Graffitied animal hospital • Poo-dollared pedestrians • Shoplifting pet costumes
career choice: • Bitchy bra model • Horny librarian • Cautious lamp salesperson • Sprinkle-factory worker
Unfortunate Death: • Slipped on bunnies • Choked on Slim Jims • 24-hour karaoke binge • Drowning during Jell-O wrestling
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
go tigers!
Husband: • Dr. Dre • Dr. Phil • Dr. Drew • Dr. Kevorkian
go tigers!