Clemson - Issue 7 - 11/13/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

F wee ree! Li ken ke yo d be ur cau sche se y dule ou’r th e so is coo l.

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 7

How to Spend a (Not) Lonely Thanksgiving at Clemson Austin Cope wrote this

hile it may be hard to believe, not everyone goes home for Thanksgiving break. These rare Tigers cite different reasons for their staycations: they don’t want to spend the money on airfare, or their home doesn’t exist after mom got transferred to Des Moines, Iowa, or dad’s new wife is the same age as a Clemson freshman. No matter the reason, many think Thanksgiving gets quite lonely for these students. Not this year! Not again. There are lots of ways to celebrate Thanksgiving all by yourself up at Clemson, and The Black Sheep is going to lay them out. The most important thing for Thanksgiving dorm dwellers is to ensure you know how to cook a serviceable Thanksgiving dinner in a microwave, since trekking down to the dorm lounge all alone just to use the oven for a single-serve turkey would be super-depressing. As a general rule of thumb, it’s always best to keep away from normally-populated locations—like the dorm lounge—when alone on holidays. The easiest and most popular way to have Thanksgiving in a microwave is to put a Publix turkey sub in the microwave and heat it up slightly. When you’re inevitably watching A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, you can tell Snoopy how good the turkey is, just like the kids having a family Thanksgiving. Another Thanksgiving must is to play a pick-up football game, and why should that be any different when you have no family or friends within a 50-mile radius?

Head on over to Bowman with a pigskin and throw that sucker across the field. Then go tackle it. Form a one-man dog pile. Tell yourself it’s just as good as the real thing and then take off running again. The pain of exercise will make you forget the pain of loneliness. Later, without the distraction of food and play, you may begin to feel loneliness creep into your heart. For a little loving interaction, go visit the feral cats that prowl around campus. Pet them to cool off after football or calm your stomach after your Pub sub or just because you’re feeling desperate. Don’t take them home with you, though. That would be unfair to all the other lonely people who also use cats to fill voids in their lives. Also, be wary of giving too much attention to them, because they really don’t care about you at all. Remember, that is absolutely not a reflection of how you deserve to be treated. You deserve better! Another authentic Thanksgiving staple is watching football, so after you disinfect that bite you got from trying to hug the cat, sit down and watch some NFL action. Then, after about a quarter of undivided attention, you can look up why the Lions always play on Thanksgiving, something you wouldn’t usually do because you weren’t bored enough, people were over, and nobody really cares. You’ll get lost in learning, discovering that the Lions owner G. A. Richards created the tradition as a gimmick to try to get more people to go to the games —he also shot a bear, chal-

PAGE 5 STUDENT’S BRAIN BREAKS AFTER BEING ASKED “CAN I BORROW A PENCIL?” BUT REALLY, HOW DO YOU FORGET A PENCIL!?

lenged the Chicago Bears, and threatened to eat the bear after they won (they lost). Hey, learning fun facts is the same as having friends! If none of these suggestions works, there’s still one final option: Single person parade. First you need to find a big stick —the trees around Littlejohn should suffice— and a single balloon. Get a shopping cart

from a local grocery, preferably Bi-Lo for some added Clemson spirit; some rope and a boom box from 1986 or some other form of sound amplification. Take your big stick and wave it around like a baton; you can add to the festivity by lighting it on fire, if you’re feeling dangerous. Get the balloon and tie it to your wrist—if you didn’t fill it with helium it may drift to the ground so just drag it along. So symbolic.

Wrap the rope around your waist and tie the other end to the shopping cart with your boom box in it and blast the cadence count. Spell Clemson by yourself as you march through an empty downtown. Stop at Sonic and get a burger if you get that far. Bottom line, this Thanksgiving, if you’re stuck in Clemson: Don’t kill yourself, just lie to yourself!

PAGE 6

PAGES 10-11

CLEMSON VS. USC: A HOUSE DIVIDED

TERRIBLE BOYFRIEND NEGOTIATES THREE-WAY

A GENERATION-OLD FAMILY FEUD TAKES A TURN FOR THE WORST.

DESPITE TIGHT FIRM MOBILITY AND FALLING STOCK PRICES.

(864) 477-9207 (864) 477-9213 LEASING OFFICE 1103-1 TIGER BOULEVARD CLEMSON, SC 29631

PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

THE THREE-EYED TURTLE

Special Tribute to the South

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Who wants to pet my new puppy?”

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Austin Stewart & “Charlotte Flames”

Nov. 14 & 15 8:00pm Adult Tickets $15 - ADVANCE at Outlets $20 - T Ed Garrison Box Office Kids Tickets Always $5 (ages 2-12)

Outlets:

Romancing the Range - Anderson Treasures on First - Seneca Rabbit Box Feed Store - Central Riddle Farm Supply - Easley Tickets available for advance purchase until Thurdsay, Nov. 13 at noon. Box office opens at T. Ed Garrison at noon on Fri, Nov. 14 and Sat, Nov. 15

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Was once a competitive bike racer.

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PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_CLEM

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

DUMB DUMBS

JUNIOR FOOLISHLY EXCITED FOR NEXT SEMESTER’S CLASSES Dan Collins wrote this

Unlike Hogwarts, Clemson does not possess a magic hat that sorts its students into the correct groups. Because of this, every semester, thousands of Clemson students march into their respective advisors’ offices and attempt to build the perfect schedule on their own. Unfortunately, by the time registration comes around, this dream is crushed by the soul-sucking vileness of iRoar and the huddled masses who had priority in registration just because they “have more credits.” However, sometimes when you wish upon a star everything comes into place. That’s exactly what happened to Clemson junior Drew Dommel, who claims to have the perfect spring schedule. “It’s the most beautiful thing in the world,” said Dommel. “I got every single class I wanted. I don’t mean to be crude, but just looking at it gets me sexually aroused.” Dommel allegedly has no Friday classes, while maintaining zero gaps in between classes and a solid 16 credit hours. When asked about his contribution to this amazing feat, Jared Fishman, Dommel’s advisor noted, “I don’t want to hear any complaining. I don’t know anything about advising, but the university told me I had to do it so I scheduled a meeting for each kid they gave me.” Despite Fishman’s indifference, Dommel was still able to overcome the vast array of obstacles to make his schedule dreams into a reality. “The universe was against me that day,” said Dommel, “first I woke up and it was raining, so of course I wasn’t going to class. But then I remembered I had my advising appointment, so I had to rise from bed at the crack of 1:30 in the afternoon to brave the light drizzle and sub-sixty-degree weather.”

From there it didn’t get any easier for Dommel, who then had to conquer the six flights of stairs to reach his advisor’s office in Strode Tower in slightly damp jeans. “I’ve never climbed Mount Everest, or even Table Rock,” said Dommel, “but I can’t imagine either one is more difficult than those Strode steps. Jeans just don’t dry. I was worried I’d get trench foot, but, you know, for legs.” Of course this trek was unnecessary, due to there being an elevator in Strode, but it was still difficult for the poor man nonetheless. Once he arrived to Fishman’s office and was able to bear witness to Fishman’s unique brand of genius advice, everything began to come together. “I told him the same thing I tell every student of whom it is my privilege to advise,” said Fishman. “Do whatever you want. Just don’t come back here and complain about it when your schedule is shit and you realize you’re still an academic freshman when you should be a junior.” Following this extremely short meeting and a trip to Redfern in order to save his trench foot-riddled legs, Dommel was finally able to sit down and achieve the schedule of glory he now possesses. “I did exactly what he said,” said Dommel, “I just picked the classes I wanted and it all just worked out. It almost seems too good to be true.” Unfortunately, Dommel’s observation may in fact be closer to the truth than he had anticipated. It has recently been revealed that there are some discrepancies in Dommel’s course work. “Well, for one, all his classes are still college courses, which are usually hard and almost never any fun,” said Undergraduate Director Cindy Lopman. “Plus, the classes he signed up for don’t go towards any major. It looks like he just picked classes at random based on what time they were offered.”

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PAGE 5 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Student’s Brain Breaks after Being Asked

“Can I Borrow a Pencil?” Staff wrote this

Jennifer Anderson’s brain reportedly broke last week after being asked if she had an extra pencil for the 7th time in a single week. Sophomore Kevin Davis was the straw that broke the Anderson’s brain, asking her if he could borrow a pencil for the second day in a row to fill out a Scantron. After her episode, Anderson has been since reduced to a stuttering, shaking mess unable to function in society. We were able to get Anderson to speak with us about the event, but it was very hard to understand her during her spastic outbursts. “Well, Jimmy COCKSUCKER asked to borrow a GODDAMN pencil last week for like, the fifth MILLIONTH time, and I just lost it,” Anderson stated. Unable to understand her in her weakened state, we were able to get ahold of one of her friends to relay the tale to us. “What Jenny is saying is people, especially guys, always just assume they can roll into class unprepared and expect people to

cover for them,” Anderson’s friend, Kelsa O’Neill, said angrily. “And they always assume us girls have extra pencils. And we do, but just because we came ready to learn doesn’t mean that we want their grubby mitts all over them!” “We had a quiz ASSHOLE!,” Anderson yelped. “How can you not bring a pencil to a quiz?” Anderson then began to sob uncontrollably as O’Neill told us she needed some time to rest. Kevin Davis, the student responsible for Anderson’s meltdown, cannot believe the results of his actions have ended in Anderson losing her mind. “Honestly, I had a pencil in my pocket, I was just looking for an excuse to talk to her,” Davis said sadly. “Now, I’ll never be able to talk to her without her yelling some expletive in my face. Crissake, I can’t even flirt with a girl without giving her a mental breakdown.” Davis has brought Anderson flowers every

day since in an attempt to make up for his actions. However he has received no response other than being told to “Get the hell out of here JACKASS!” Anderson’s parents are very upset over their daughter’s condition, but they don’t solely blame Davis for their daughter’s woes. The Andersons believe that any student and asked their daughter for a pencil is to blame, and any student that has ever asked anyone for a pencil is part of the problem. “People always ask if they can have a cigarette when they see me smoking, and it makes me sick,” Mrs. Anderson said between drags of her Marlboro Reds. “If I was walking down the street eating a granola bar, would you stop me and ask if you could have one? No, you wouldn’t. So why is asking for a cigarette any different?” she questioned in her gravelly voice. We reminded Mrs. Anderson that this was about her daughter’s broken brain and

not her cigarette expendability, but she asserted that it was the same problem. “Where do these kids get off asking if they can bum a pencil? Buy your own pack of pencils, you degenerates!”While it became clear where Jennifer’s mental instability came from, Mrs. Anderson continued complaining. “We can’t take Jenny out in public anymore, let alone church. It’s heartbreaking,” Anderson’s mother sighed as she took another puff. “I mean, I can’t have my daughter yelling out nasty things

like ‘PENCIL THIEVING PRICK’ in the middle of a sermon. Can you imagine? We’d look like such heathens.” While it’s unclear as to whether Anderson will recover from her mental breakdown, the situation serves as a stark reminder for those who ask others for pencils during class. Students must remember that what may seem like an innocent request from a forgetful peer can sometimes be the final straw on another student’s overtaxed mind.

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AROUND CAMPUS

CLEMSON VS. USC:

A HOUSE DIVIDED Hannah Soblo wrote this

After decades of extremely tense Thanksgiving weekends, there seemed to be hope for the couple after their oldest daughter Gemma chose to attend Clemson two years ago, breaking her mother’s dangerous USC-supporting cycle in favor of a healthier, longterm orange obsession. “I knew I had to come to Clemson,” Gemma said, “right from the time I was old enough to think, I knew. It’s been shown that chronic USC-supporting destroys brain cells, and I want my mom to live a long, happy life with her brain intact.” But despite Gemma’s best efforts, her younger brother Billy Hill Jr. reignited the old rivalry last Saturday by accepting a scholarship to USC. On that fateful day, it is said that the smoke from the Hill home in backwoods Anderson could be seen from Tillman. It was an unusually subdued weekend home as Gemma set up the family’s forty-seven stuffed tigers in front of the TV, a tradition-born good luck tactic, proven effective for countless football games. She and her father were sensibly in mourning after Junior had decided to throw away all of his brain cells by going to USC, and even the turkey leftovers that her father had put in the oven didn’t smell quite as good as they usually did.

THINGS BRIDGE STUDENTS SHOULD BE THANKFUL FOR Bridge students: the slower, adorable little siblings of true Clemson Tigers through and through. This year, as they sit at the kids’ table, bicycle helmet donned, here’s a few things they can be happy for.

A backwoods struggle recently came to a head when the generation-old Hill family feud took a turn for the worse last Saturday. Nearly thirty years ago, Billy Hill and Jenna Woodman overcame a seemingly impassable boundary when they got married, even after Jenny graduated from USC (not that USC: the boring, South Carolinian one) and Billy graduated from Clemson. Despite the understandable doubts of Billy’s family, he married Jenny, claiming that no college rivalry would overpower his love.

THE TOP TEN

10.) Farm League Mentality: There’s less pressure, and more fun. Bridge students only have to maintain a 2.5 GPA, which helps them ease into the college lifestyle. Scientific studies have shown that Bridge students are less likely to flunk out or make fools of themselves at frat parties once they get to Clemson, which seems (sort of) worth it to us. 9.) Community Living: Yay, friends! Nothing makes that transition into college easier than being a part of a pack, and the Bridge Program gives you that pack in the form of roommates. Gather your crew so you can take up the whole sidewalk walking beside each other. Now that you’re living in the pack, it’s a good time to learn important social norms and expectations—like the rules of beer pong, and how to handle an unexpected one-night stand with someone from your Spanish class. 8.) Intramurals: You can feed your competitive side in a healthy way, without the pressure and mandatory practices. Your flag football squad may not get all the official collegiate gear and publicity of the official football team, but you also don’t have to get tackled by future NFL heavyweights. Veteran Tip: You can create a funny team name, and make t-shirts to wear as uniforms. Touchdown, team Scoregasms! Just as Gemma was adjusting the last of the plush tigers, through the front doors burst Jenny and Junior, carrying armfuls of enormous stuffed Cockys, and demanding to put them in front of the TV. “Obviously we couldn’t let this happen,” Gemma said later, “many studies have shown that Cocky exposure often leads to STDs. And that would just be super-awkward with both my parents around.” But upon her refusal, Gemma’s mother and brother began throwing the stuffed tigers, many of which were practically antiques, out the open door, threatening to light them on fire. Billy Sr. responded in kind, stuffing the largest and most obscene of the Cockys into the oven. It was an old west standoff—if one mascot burned, they would all go up in flames. Unfortunately, perhaps due to an impairment of his brain brought on by sniffing the USC acceptance letter, Billy Jr. broke through the uneasy stalemate and dumped gasoline all over the stuffed tigers and lit them on fire. Instantly, Billy Sr. turned the oven to high, and the resulting Cocky smoke began to affect all of their brains. The feuding family realized far too late that what they thought was one of the tigers was in fact their elderly orange cat,

Bumbles, who had been with them for countless football victories and defeats. Horrified and desperate to save Bumbles, but unable to think properly, Billy Sr. attempted to put out the gasoline fire with the garden hose, only resulting in the fire’s spread. It was clear to everyone that Bumbles was in grave danger. Even as her mother and brother collapsed due to an overload of USC exposure and Cocky smoke, Gemma still had enough mental power to find the fire extinguisher and save Bumbles and the stuffed tigers. But for their house, it was too late. The stove, overloaded with giant stuffed Cockys, had also burst into flames. The resulting fire was raging too strongly to be put out by their lone fire extinguisher. Although the fire department arrived before the blaze could engulf neighboring homes, it was too late to save the brains of Jenny and Billy Jr., and they both were diagnosed crazed USC zombies on the scene. So far, officials haven’t managed to approach the house and reason with them without being pelted by garnet pompoms and charred Cockys. Fortunately, Gemma, Billy Sr. and Bumbles all made it out relatively unaffected, but Gemma’s horror story is far from over as she must now make room in her tiny apartment for her dad. No word yet on which of them has been the first to jump out the window.

7.) Security Guards: Like a mall cop on a Segway, they aren’t really there to bust anyone—just to hang out and keep the peace. A recent poll conducted by some serious The Black Sheep researchers showed that the safety guards at High Pointe are “less dickish” than the regular CUPD downtown. 6.) The Name Game: When people ask where you go to school, you have a variety of options. Need to be recognized? Tell them you go to Clemson. Want to sound mysterious? You’re in a special Bridge Program. Vague and confusing one word text response? Tech. Just Tech. Play your cards right with Tri-County and they may even call you doctor. 5.) Fike Recreational Center: That’s right, you still have access to Fike. Jump on it quick while you’re in Bridge! College life has a way of tacking on that “soft muscle,” which protects your six-pack with a relaxed, jiggly covering. You’ll also look good hauling furniture when you finally move to Clemson. 4.) The Lake: The lake is literally on your way to campus. Plus, it’s never too early to start making friends and potential future roommates with a lake house and a boat. Flaunt those abs of a Greek deity you forged in the fires of Fike. 3.) Cooper Library: Come to study, stay for the coffee. From recognizing vague acquaintances and watching Netflix, to clicking through Buzzfeed and Facebook, Cooper Library is the ideal place to go if you want to disappear without any work getting done, because the High Pointe lazy river is no place to use your laptop. Plus, the WiFi is better. 2.) Redfern: Just remember to only get sick on weekdays before 5p.m. Otherwise, Greenville isn’t that far away. Also, Redfern gives out free condoms! Disclaimer: This does not mean you’re guaranteed an opportunity to use them. 1.) Clemson: You’re almost there! Enjoy your time on the bridge, and look forward to the green grass awaiting you on the other side. Joey Glass wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS If you woke up as a member of the opposite sex tomorrow—besides the sex stuff—what’d be the first thing you’d do?

JAKE, SENIOR

“I’d probably smile and wink at people, and get free stuff.”

BECKA, SENIOR

“I would enjoy not doing my hair, makeup or shaving, then go to class in sweatpants without anyone judging me.”

SUSAN, SOPHOMORE

“I’d probably eat a ton of fast food late at night and not get fat.”

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THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! $6 Liquor Pitchers (During Happy Hour Only) $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha!

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

FRIDAY

$9.50 Liquor Pitchers Monday - Saturday!

Burger and a Beer Night!

$7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$2.50 Fireball Shots $6 Liquor Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: (During Happy Hour Only) $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha! $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm Mon - Fri $4 Jager, $3 Fireball $5 Jack Daniels, 1/2 Price Apps

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

SATURDAY

Join us for flatbread specials and college football!

$2.50 Fireball Shots $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

College Football on 20 HD TVs

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings (excl. home games)

SUNDAY

Closed

Service Industry Night! $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers & random specials

NFL Sunday Ticket on 20 HD TVs

Book your next party at Larryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s!

MONDAY

All You Can Eat Sushi

Half price appetizers $8 for a Dozen Wings, $1 PBR $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Burger Mondays! $4.99 Burger & Fries

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings During MNF

TUESDAY

$5.75 Large Pizza, $1 PBR $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Taco Tuesday! $4.99 Taco Backets, $1 12oz Blue Moons

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

WEDNESDAY

Check us out on Instagram! @356Sushi

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $1 PBR $6.75 for a Dozen Wings Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$9.99 Pizza, $0.60 wings, $0.50 12oz PBR

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers,

Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Twitter

@BLACKSHEEP_CLEM

OVERTIME PALMETTO’S Smokehouse & Oyster Bar Overtime No Longer Public! Now Backstreets Basement! Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 4!)

THE GRID

Tuesday & Saturday: LOW COUNTRY BOIL NIGHT! Get low with PSHOB’s famous low country boil recipe.

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

TUESDAY $4 Burgers!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Need a PARTY SPOT? Rent Palmetto’s EVENT Center Call 864-810-7339 ext 3 and get $50 off your next rental with the keyword “Black Sheep”

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

NEW! 6 under $6 lunch menu 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer served 11:30am-2pm M-F. for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

$6 Chef’s Special

FRIDAY

$7.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Tigers Headquarters!

College football on our 101 inch projector!

SATURDAY

Open 7 Days a Week at 4AM

Open 8am for our NEW BIG EASY BRUNCH! From 8am - 2pm $10 Bottomless Mimosas Low Country Boil 5PM Follow us on Twitter!

NFL Sunday Ticket! Sunday App. Specials! Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap $7.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne, $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

Open 8am for our NEW BIG EASY BRUNCH! Try the best hangover cure: Big-n-nasty biscuit, frittatas, wraps, omelettes, creamy grits, beignets, and waffles! Catch Bill’s NFL Action Here Go Sammy & CJ!

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap! $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

Clemson’s best place to take a date! Try the “Haystack”, a totally sharable mound of fries or fritos covered in deliciousness! Oyster Fest & Shrimp Jam Every Monday Starting at 5!

All You Can Eat Wings!

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

Check out our Instagram! @CUWinginIt

MONDAY

Overtime No Longer Public! $7.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne

LOW COUNTRY BOIL NIGHT! Get low with PSHOB’s famous low country boil recipe. Like us on Facebook for weekly specials and competitions.

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

$4 Burgers

TUESDAY

$7.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

NEW! 6 under $6 lunch menu served 11:30am-2pm M-F. Say “You saw it in The Black Sheep” and get a FREE PSHOB Bumper sticker.

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WED.

Need a PARTY SPOT? Rent Palmetto’s EVENT Center Call 864-810-7339 ext 3 and get $50 off your next rental with the keyword “Black Sheep”

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap!

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 4!)

$7.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers Open 7 Days a Week at 4PM

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap!

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 4!)

Despite Tight Firm Mobility and Falling Stock Prices,

Terrible Boyfriend Negotiates Three-Way an rised many, freshm rp su at th e ov m a In his girlfriend, d ce in v n co r le al W Zach of the riskiest e n o in ge ga en to Maggie Rhone, friend market. rl gi e th in ts en tm inves

Mooney wrote this l u a P

Last weekend when Maggie visited Zach, the two of them had a three-way with Zach’s friend. Both are freshmen who graduated from high school in June. Maggie stayed in New Jersey to be a nursing student at Rutgers and Zach went to Temple as undeclared.

nings. The whole market kept building like a house of cards until it all collapsed with a series of break-ups from relationships that just didn’t seem to be going anywhere. “Maggie’s still shown significant growth despite the financial climate. So yeah, she’s killin’ it.”

This comes as one of the fiscal quarter’s greatest surprises, as Zach’s share price went down ten points since going away to college. “He hasn’t branched out, he’s not living up to his academic potential, and he hasn’t joined a single club,” said Deborah Jennings, an analyst for Standard & Poor’s who specializes in the girlfriend sector. “He has tits now. His stock just isn’t what it used to be.”

Unknown to Maggie, the elasticity of her supply has greatly decreased. “Maggie thinks that she can’t ask for a better boyfriend at her emotional price, but that’s simply not true,” Jennings said. “She also deeply misunderstands the girlfriend market structure. She acts like it’s a monopoly, where Zach is the only provider and he can set whatever price because there’s no other providers; in reality, it’s like monopolistic competition, where every firm offers their own product and has total control of that product. However, none of these firms have any large market control. As the economist Beyoncé wrote in her seminal paper, ‘I could have another you in a minute.’ ”

On the other side, Maggie’s share value has greatly appreciated in the two months she’s been away. “Maggie has been flourishing at school,” said Anita Gomez, a finance graduate student at Rutgers who’s been tracking the girlfriend exports at her university. “She’s really putting herself out there, and her friends at school are so much cooler than her home friends. She’s joined the feminism club, she writes poetry, and she’s doing that thing with her hair now that she didn’t feel comfortable doing back home. Investors love that thing she does with her hair now.” Besides the disparity of the firms’ growth, the sheer risk of the investment made it so unlikely. Statistically, three-ways are the second least successful investments to ask of a business partner, after pee. Moreover, Zach is in no way able to bargain. Over the summer and the first few months of school, Zach has incurred a staggering amount of emotional debt. “Zach doesn’t know any of Maggie’s friends’ names, or even the type of people she hangs out with. The past three times he called her he was drunk. Plus, all of his sectors have seen a decrease in performance,” Gomez added. Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors. Negative growth was even seen in the Sex sector, which was typically his strongest, seeing the lowest quarter of orgasms since he expanded operations to the clitoris. Moreover, the context of the proposal for the three-way was a blundered operation. It was proposed in his dorm room, without prior consultation, with Catherine Harty, the girl who put the “three” in the three-way. Maggie hadn’t even met Catherine before; Catherine, on the other hand, had already agreed to it. This happened after a long presentation about fidelity Maggie gave a month ago, via PowerPoint at a quarterly negotiation. “Many construed economic concepts are at play here,” said Rutgers economics professor Kevin Hudson, “Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.” Truthfully, Zach’s emotional investment averages twenty points less return than the standard boy who flirts with Maggie on a daily basis. “Moreover, she isn’t specializing her assets. Maggie would work best in a merger that lets her be who she’s meant to be, and not drag her down. Zach, who is developing into the Disappointing Loser industry, isn’t letting her reach that potential.” Another misconception Maggie has is the fixed cost of a breakup with Zach. Though the cost would be high, even while remaining single she would generate emotional profit over a two-year period. Additionally, Maggie’s huge appreciation as a stock presents a bright landscape for future investment. “That girl’s killin’ it,” said Dr. Hudson. What Maggie also isn’t considering is the surprising growth she’s shown, despite a struggling girlfriend market that still hasn’t fully recovered from the mortgage crisis of 2008, in which romantic loans were made that couldn’t be paid off. “Essentially, investors would say ‘I love you’ before such a statement could be reinforced, and these debts piled up,” said Jen-

The lengthy history between the two firms serves some explanation for the current situation. Maggie opened for trade with a fairly low IPO in 2012. Zach, one of the most popular firms at Union High School, offered to buy the firm outright, but negotiations fell through. After the school year was over, Zach’s rising stock and alcohol finally caused initial business relations. Over the summer, the two went from a thing, to not being official, to no one really knows what they are, to pretty much a real thing but not really, to pretty much a thing but only sort of, until an official merger plan was set in place and the two became Facebook official. Through junior year, Zach maintained his high stock price and built healthy customer relations with his effective partnership skills. Maggie’s social price also rose, due to going out with Zach to parties more, as well as her boobs finally growing in at the age of sixteen. “Boobs are important to high school investors,” Gomez added. Senior year saw few changes, though Zach’s senioritis and growing affinity for sweatpants took a small drain on his stock price. With unforeseen growth prospects, Maggie agreed to a longterm trade agreement of Skype calls and a Snapchat best friendship. “I’ve been following the market recently, and I can honestly say that I’m shocked at the current disparity of the firms,” said Delaware finance student Michael Doyle, Zach’s sexiled roommate.

Zach’s quarterly report shows failed growth benchmarks in the Cuddling, Sincere Statements, and Dramatic Gestures sectors.

Maggie is operating in the short-term, with no consideration for the future. One factor that Maggie isn’t considering is opportunity cost.

Though the long-term agreement exists, there are likely prospects for the merger to split in the near future. “The threeway was a terrible idea,” said Dr. Hudson. “I mean, it worked, so maybe it was a great idea, but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.” “Maybe this is what Maggie needs to start looking for new employers,” said Gomez. “Currently, she has a standing offer from sophomore Marcus Jackson.” A “standing offer” is a financial term for fleeting moments of eye contact and text messages with at least a 30% increase in emojis. “Besides being at her school, he has a significantly higher stock value. His personality ratio is much higher than Zach’s, as well as pretty much every other aspect of his firm.” “Economically, he’s a much more efficient investment,” said Jennings. Aside from an overall greater responsiveness to hints and listening skills, Marcus could be the specialized industry Maggie could benefit from moving to. Discussions about Bob’s Burgers with Marcus have yielded twice as much laughter as those with Zach, mainly because he never watched it. Marcus’ comments about Maggie’s one crooked tooth made her blush 44% more than Zach’s compliments; an even higher disparity is seen when comparing Zach’s comments on the same tooth, most of which involved the phrase “scratchy head.” When pressed for comment, results were overwhelmingly positive. Maggie avoided eye contact and said “I don’t know,” while smiling, commonly considered among investors as the clearest confirmation possible in finance today.

“The three-way was a terrible idea. I mean, it worked... but it probably destroyed the merger as we know it.”

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 3 ou

1) Superheroes: For what superhero does great power come with great responsibility? 2) Celebrity: Among accusations of cheating, Amber Rose recently split with what musician? 3) Math: If you have $450 and a monthly interest rate of 10%, how much money will you have after 1 month? 4) Liquor: Famously, Jack Daniel’s whiskey is distilled in what state? 5) Language: What kind of word functions as the name of some specific set of things?

GRAYSON, BARTENDER at NICK’S

6) World History: Now known as Volgograd, the defense of this Russian city was seen as the turning point in the European theater of WWII. 7) Food: What foodstuff comes in varieties including: Palazzo, Red Eye, Wiener Melange, and Iced? 8) American Presidents: Three United States Presidents have died in office without being assassinated. Name two. 9) Cars: What is the only large-scale Swedish automaker currently importing cars to the United States? 10) Internet: What social media platform’s slogan is, “World’s Largest Professional Network”?

Grayson’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Spider Man 2) Chamillionaire 3) Not enough. 4) Tennessee 5) A category word? 6) Moscow 7) Coffee. I know my java. 8) I think FDR? 9) Volkswagen 10) Definitely not Twitter…

1) Spider Man 2) Wiz Khalifa 3) $490 4) Tennessee 5) Noun 6) Stalingrad 7) Coffee 8) Franklin D. Roosevelt, Zachary Taylor, Warren G. Harding 9) Volvo 10) LinkedIn

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