Clemson - Issue 8 - 12/5/2013 by The Black Sheep

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@BlackSheep_CLEM â&#x20AC;˘ December 5th, 2013

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Meet the Staff <<

campus manager Rebecka Talley

campus director Brendan Bonham

Editorial manager Courtney Paul

owner Atish Doshi

Advertising Managers Payton Shiver

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

Writers Amanda Moore, Dan Collins Claire Johnson, Amanda Hoefer Social media manager Courtney Merlo Marketing TEAM Michelle Dubiel

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A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.

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madlib

The

worst day ever I went to __ 1 __ last night for a break from __ 2 __ing and I saw __ 3 __ there. (S)He was ripping shots of __ 4 __ and (s)he finally convinced me to take one. Before I knew it, I had taken ten and completely forgot about my exam the next day. When I woke up, I was in bed with __ 5 __ in __ 6 __. I looked at my __ 7 __ before realizing I was 20 minutes late for my exam. I sprang from his/her __ 8 __ and headed to class, despite that I was missing my __ 9 __ and had a __ 10 __ hangover. As I was running past Wingin’ It, I stepped in either __ 11 __ or __ 12 __and slipped and fell, but I had to keep going. As I passed Tillman, I noticed the Thomas Greene Clemson statue had an orange __ 13 __ on. I was almost to __ 14 __ when I realized I was about to toss my __ 15 __ all over the sidewalk. Fortunately, there was a __ 16 __ there to catch my vomit. __ 17 __ in my eyes, I entered the classroom ready to beg __ 18 __ to allow me to take the exam even though I was late. After about __ 19 __ minutes of begging, __ 20 __ still wouldn’t let me take it, even for less credit. After failing that class, I __ 21 __ed out of school and moved back to __ 22 __. It’s okay, though. After __ 23 __ of hard work, I now have a promising career as a __ 24 __ at __ 25 __.

1) Clemson bar 2) Verb 3) Friend’s name 4) Favorite shot 5) Biggest slut in Clemson, either gender 6) Clemson dorm 7) Noun 8) Noun 9) Noun 10) Adjective 11) Liquid 12) Bodily fluid 13) Article of clothing

14) Clemson classroom building 15) Food (plural) 16) Noun 17) Liquid 18) Least favorite Clemson teacher 19) Number 20) Same teacher’s name as 18 21) Verb 22) Place 23) Measurement of time (plural) 24) Noun 25) Shitty restaurant

Top

Ten

Christmas Gifts We Would Give President Jim Clements By: hashtagrat

It was recently announced that Clemson has finally found a new prez to replace President Barker—Jim Clements, formerly of West Virginia University. Leaving the land of inbreds and burning couches, Clements and his family will be welcomed to Tigertown next fall to help lead us to a better tomorrow, and shit. Even though Jimmy won’t be here in an official capacity for a while, we can still bestow upon him the gifts and graces of the holiday season. Here are the top ten gifts we would give to our new president this Christmas. 10.) A Commuter Plan: Schilleter’s recent makeover just goes to show that pretty doesn’t cover up straight jank. With Clemson Dining Services failing to thrill per usual, President Clements could do with the most sparse meal plan. 9.) A Pair of Sunglasses: Trend-wise, neon had its moment (circa summer 2012) and then, like most ill-fated trends, it died a sad, lonely death. Unfortunately, Clemson has never been much of a place for trends. President Clements will need a nice pair of polarized Costas so that he can see among the lightrefracting, blindingly bright First Friday tanks and Nike shorts that most girls wear so that they can create the illusion of being athletic. 8.) Hooked On Phonics: It’s a commonly known truth that all engineers in good standing are actually illiterate. We’re 99% positive that the only book that the vast majority of hard scientists on our campus have read in the past few years is The Hunger Games, and even then it’s debatable as to whether or not they just SparkNote’d it so that they could seem culturally aware. Clements should have a few sets on hand so he can help teach engineers how to more read good. 7.) A BB Gun: Coming from the land of Appalachian sister-wives, we’re sure that President Clements knows a thing or two about varmints—specifically, huntin’ varmints. With the squirrels and feral cats gallivanting around the yard of the President’s Home, Clements could use a nice little BB gun to ward off the nasty, homeless animals. 6.) A Sassy Twitter Handle: If President Clements wants to have a small measure of popularity at Clemdawg, he should have a mildly funny, deeply unoriginal Twitter account about like, yoga pants or something. 5.) A Spot at Friar’s: Considering the recent crackdown on tailgating, President Clements should have a spot at Friar’s so he can drink an inordinate amount of Everclear all in the name of school spirit. We all love the Tigers, but only after a Jet Fuel or 5. 4.) A Curfew: Since we assume Morgantown, WV subscribes to a wild, wild west sort of social code, where anarchy is reality and anything is possible, President Clements could do with a nice, enforced bedtime so that he can become acclimated with the downright fascist blue laws of Pickens County. If he has to be in bed by 2a.m., the Stalinesque closing of the bars won’t be so devastating. 3.) A Puppy: It’s a well-known fact that literally every tour guide in the history of Clemson has pimped out President Barker’s friendliness to emphasize how fun and laidback Tigertown is. Now that Barker’s retiring, President Clements needs a little something snuggly to let students play with, so he can maintain Clemson’s reputation as the happiest place on Earth. 2.) A Parking Spot: Lest our new prezzie fall victim to the asshats over at Clemson Parking Services, Clements needs a permanent spot so that he never has to haul ass over to the Union to pay a nasty parking ticket. 1.) Immunity: Speaking of Parking Services, if President Clements ever wanted to become ridiculously popular with the denizens of Tigertown, he would need local immunity so that he, for example, could straight fuck up that awful CPS dude who trolls the Horsehoe every day, practically skipping as he hands out ticket after ticket.

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Upholding the Standard:

What Your Dorm Says About You

on the Streets Would you rather eat a cup of pee-snow, or let it melt but have to drink it through a straw?

J o rd a n

By: Courtney Paul With the mere thought of finals instigating a near-clinical anxiety attack, it’s tempting to close the books in defeat and take a mulligan for the rest of the semester. But, for all you freshman, you have a standard to uphold. The very building in which you live demands a certain study performance from you, and you damn sure better comply. Considering you’re new here and all, us folks at The Black Sheep have outlined your roles for you. And, if you’re not a freshman, don’t check out on us just yet. Everyone needs the occasional walk down memory lane.

“I’d eat the pee snow so I could fully savor it. “

Johnstone: If the paper-thin walls, peeling paint, and black mold that is surely devouring your organs day by day are any indication, your study habits are rotting in a similar fashion. Plus, all that testosterone can’t be conducive to brain cell formation. Just as the building you call home should be torn down, your grades may as well prepare for the wrecking ball that will be your finals scores. That is, unless you’re studying for your history final. In that case, take a look at the history that literally surrounds you and reflect on the past as you polish the gun racks that still reside in your closet. Holmes: Holmes is where A’s live, where failures don’t exist, and where the all-consuming desire to please mommy and daddy thrives to an unhealthy extent. You’re one of the smartest kids on campus, toting around your honors college t-shirt, keychain, and sticker along with your hefty scholarship. You’ll study all night, every night, weeks before your peers have even thought of finals, and you’ll take advantage of the free coffee and free printing that the average peasants must wait in line to receive in exchange for their Tigerstripe. Although you’ll easily be the most prepared for the big test, you’ll also be the most anxious, and you’ll cry over the B that your classmate is celebrating. Just do it in private. No one wants to see that. Clemson House: Oh, you mean that creepy, haunted motel that resides on top of an inescapable hill, isolated from the rest of humanity campus? You keep to yourself, so much so that we have no idea how you behave in an academic setting, or any sort of setting for that matter. You eat in your own private dining hall and exercise at your own private basketball courts, so you probably study in your own private space. Still, your cultish conduct is a mystery. So, we imagine your study habits re-

B re n d a n

volve around intense rituals and sacrifices to the gods (and goddesses?) of finals. It’s just an educated guess.

“Mauldin: You are an average studier with average grades and an average exsistence. Just like your on-campus abode, average is overlooked.” Manning: Overflowing Venti Skinny Pumpkin Spice Lattes, color-coded schedules, and neon pink sticky notes practically burst out of every window. Your “group study” ventures turn into all-night gossip seshes regarding Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds as opposed to that Ryan in your bio textbook and sorority politics as opposed to partisanship in the U.S. government. Not to worry. The night before the big test you’ll call one of those fraternity boys to raid his chapter’s test bank and snag you an Addy. That’s why we keep seeing them leaving your halls every Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning, right?

Mauldin: Face it, you’re a forgotten soul. The victim of random building tossed onto sorority row, you have no purpose. You were accepted late on account of your last minute application or you accidently ignored the email containing your housing information survey, meaning you’ll forget a bulk of the material you supposedly learned this semester. At least you aren’t housed within the constricting walls of a specified academic building; you’re a free soul (with an easy major). This aside, you are an average studier with average grades and an average existence. Just like your on-campus abode, average is overlooked.

“Let it melt so I could drink it faster. “

Drew

So, as you head home to your jail cell of a dorm, stop and assess what it truly means to you. It has given so much – a bed 10 feet from the ground, a used refrigerator, a barely functioning air conditioning unit – so what do you owe to it? You must live up to its name and continue the tradition it bears for students who have yet to step foot in its hallowed halls. Oh, and whatever building you may claim, watch out for those ladybugs. They love a nice dorm room come the cold of finals. And they aren’t great study buddies.

“Either way it sounds delicious. “

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OVERTIME

The Grid Thursday Nights! $3.56 Sushi Rolls

Open for Lunch! Mon- Sat: 11:30am - 11pm Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $9 Liquor Pitchers after Happy Hour every night

Mondays: $3 Long Islands Monday Night Football Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

Monday - Friday $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

FRIday

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8PM $1.50 Mystery Beers at 10PM

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

saturday

Flaturday Special 2 flatbreads and a bucket of beers for just $12.95

$2.50 Fireball Shots

$3 Liquid Marijuana, $3 Bahama Mama’s

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

Kitchen Open from 11:30am - 11pm Monday - Friday, 4pm - 11pm on Saturdays Come check out our daily lunch specials!

Closed

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Members can buy beer and wine to go.

All You Can Eat Sushi $12.59

Monday Night Football Special! Free cheese nachos with every pitcher of beer, Half price appetizers $8 for a dozen Wings

$3 Long Islands Monday Night Football Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

tuesday

Tourney Tuesday at 10pm

$5.75 Large Pizza, $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night

wednesday

Add Larry Friar on Facebook for Daily Specials!

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

thursday

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

SPECIAL NIGHT thursday

sunday monday

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings

Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$8 for a dozen wings, 1/2 off appetizers

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

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PALMETTO’S

The Grid

Smokehouse & Oyster Bar New Dessert: Skookie! Chocolate Chip Cookie fresh baked in a Skillet with Vanilla Ice Cream and Chocolate Sauce. OMG!!!

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

ASK THE WAITRESS ABOUT THE HOT WINGS CHALLENGE. CAN YOU DO IT?!

SPECIAL NIGHT

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

thursday

Ribeye Steak Night! $1 off any Steak Topping $2 off Bottles of Wine

24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

$1 off Draft Beer Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

FRIday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas from 11am-2pm, Low Country and Crawfish Boil after 5pm, $8 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Imported Pitchers BIG Nasty Chicken Biscuit with side for $8.99

$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Football Headquarters!

Largest Bloody Mary bar in town! AND college football!

saturday

Signature Dish Combo: Choose two (shrimp and grits, creole jambalaya, Brunswick stew) and a salad.

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

sunday

Oyster Bash & Shrimp Jam: Oysters: $0.75 Raw & Steamed, $1 Grilled and Buffalo, $1.50 Dragos or Rednecks, Shrimp: $0.75 Steamed, Blackened, Grilled, Buffalo, or BBQ, $1 Bud Light Drafts

All You Can Eat Wings!

Monday Night Football Specials

$6 Weekly Special 104.9 will be in the house for a Radio Show!

monday

Low Country and Crawfish Boil $3 Vodkas

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

Twosday! Two burger baskets & a pitcher of beer for $12!

tuesday

All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

wednesday

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

thursday

(Takes 30 minutes to prepare so call ahead or order when you arrive.)

Hanukkah Seek and Find

guess the movie santa!

each box features a different santa claus from various holiday movies. do you know which movie each santa comes from?

Are You Smarter

than?

1) Christmas: Santa Claus is based off of Sinterklaas, a mythological person found in this group’s mythology.

6) Toys: 1998 saw a holiday craze for this toy, which could say things like, “Show me a dance” and “Tell me a joke.”

2) Hanukah: How many branches are there on a menorah?

7) History: On January 1, 1971, these items could no longer be advertised on TV in America.

3) Kwanzaa: In what year was Kwanzaa first celebrated?

8) Birthdays: This “Stan” background singer was born on Christmas Day, 1971

4) New Year’s Eve: Since 2006, who has been tasked with presenting Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve?

9) Snow: The North American record for record snow depth was measured in this contiguous state.

5) The Rose Bowl: Each year, the Rose Bowl is played in what stadium?

10) Holiday Music: What wintry song thing is given life via silk hat?

Elizabeth’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Sweden 2) 9 3) 1969 4) No clue 5) Texas Stadium 6) Tickle Me Elmo 7) Cigarettes 8) No clue 9) Maine 10) Frosty the Snowman

Elizabeth of 356 sushi

drinking game

Crunk time in cooper By ClemsonBAB

1) Dutch 2) 9 3) 1969 4) Ryan Seacrest 5) The Rose Bowl 6) Furby 7) Cigarettes 8) Dido 9) California 10) Frosty the Snowman

Elizabeth’s Score: 4 out of 10

It’s the most wonderful of the time of the year. It’s the glorious time of the semester when you might as well bring some tissues to Cooper for the I-don’t-know-any-of-the-shit-welearned-this-semester moments. Yes, we’re talking about finals week. But no need to fear, we’ve got the perfect solution to relieve some stress for your hell week of cramming studying. It’s time to turn “crunch time in Cooper” into “crunk time in Cooper.” What You’ll Need: A strong alcoholic beverage masked inside a Java City cup Number of Players: 1+ Level of Intoxication: Deeming it appropriate to start the Cadance Count on the 1st floor Silent Zone. How To Play: - Grab your backpack and head on over to the Cooper Library. - Make the trek to the bottom floor to pour your exceedingly strong drink into a Java City coffee cup . - Walk around each floor with your drink in hand, as if you’re looking for an empty table. - Note: Skip the third floor, no exciting story ever started with: “So one time, in the Children’s Book Section of the library....” Deep breath, focus, and drink once when: First Floor -You walk by a study room and it’s taken. -You see people studying in the new fitness center room. -Someone is texting. Who the hell actually gets service in that dungeon?

- A person is looking for a study carrel. Hell, do this for every floor. Second Floor -You see Greek letters on a laptop cover. Someone is shitting bricks in CCIT about computer problems. - Per girl wearing the signature study outfit: an oversized t-shirt, boots, and leggings. How original. Fourth Floor - Someone is trying to (and failing) to use the copy machine. - A group is using the rolling white boards. Fifth Floor - The Tutoring Zone is being utilized. - There’s a line at the Paw Points Printers. Drink twice when: Second Floor -A pledge does something embarrassing in front of everyone in the glass room “Quiet Zone.” Fifth Floor -Someone is eating their feelings with at least 23 snacks from the Snax & Stax. -There’s a never-ending line in Java City. Finish your drink when: - You see the token nerd passed out on one of the orange beanbag chairs on the fifth floor. Congratulations, someone has passed out before you! Now grab another beanbag chair, join him, and reward yourself with a nice nap. Feeling good, passed out in Cooper during finals week, success.

quiz

What Late Night Eatery Are You? 1) When do you typically stop eating a meal? a) When I feel full. b) Does drinking Bud Heavy count as a meal? c) When my diet handbook says I should (but my nutritionist says I can eat as much celery as I want. Yum.) d) When I feel like I may explode from selfhatred (and pizza). 2) When was the last time you went on a run? a) I ran from the police a few months ago and made it almost 50 yards before I puked everywhere. b) About a week ago. c) I ran the table in beer pong just last night. d) I’m running right now, which is making filling in this quiz rather difficult. 3) Who is your favorite professional athlete? a) Landfill from Beerfest b) Roger Bannister c) Kevin Durant d) Joey Chestnut

4) What do you think of when you see a pig? a) Charlotte’s Web b) I should get one as a pet. People say they’re smarter than dogs, you know. c) Mmmmmm, bacon. d) Let’s try to get it drunk. 5) What is your favorite TV show? a) Man v. Food b) The Biggest Loser c) Drinking Made Easy d) New Girl 6) Which Sesame Street character are you most like? a) The Cookie Monster b) Oscar the Grouch c) Ernie d) Big Bird

7) What psychiatric disorder do you most resemble? a) OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) b) ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) c) AIDS (Automatic Ingestion of Donuts Syndrome) d) A (Alcoholism) 8) What does your toilet resemble after use? a) The Battle of Guadal (C)anal b) A gondola in a Venice (C)anal c) Ewwwww, I’m not answering that. d) The Mythical Clemson Goodnight C (anal).

answer key

1:A(2)B(4) C(1) D(3)

5: A(3) B(1) C(4) D(2)

2: A(3) B(2)C(4) D(1)

6: A(3) B(4) C(2) D(1)

3: A(4) B(1) C(2) D(3)

7: A(1) B(2) C(3) D(4)

4: A(2) B(1) C(3) D(4)

8: A(3) B(1) C(2) D(4)

8-13 points: Pita Pit: Even in a drunken stupor, you’re responsible and make the healthiest choice available. You drink liquor straight because it has less empty calories and hope you throw it up at the end of the night so you don’t have to work out extra tomorrow. 14-19 point: Todaro’s: You’re pizza, which is pretty unhealthy, but at least it’s only by the slice and it’s not Little Caesar’s, so maybe that makes it sort of okay. You may wake up with a tiny pang of guilt and a burn on the roof of your mouth, but at least you won’t have 10 pounds of cardboard dough in your stomach. 20-25 points: Cook-Out: There’s no sugarcoating it; you’re a slob. It’s 2a.m. and you have time to make one more bad decision, and you plan on taking advantage of that. You’ll spend less than five dollars and get as much “food” as you can cram down your fat face. And of course you’ll also have a milkshake. What do they think you have, integrity? 26-32 points: None: You aren’t any late night eatery. Who has time to eat when there’s drinking to be done? When other people are getting their midnight snacks, you’re trying to convince the guy at Kangaroo to sell you beer because who cares if it’s after 2a.m.; if you get too sober, you may realize how worthless and unfulfilling your life has become. And who has time for that?

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B GAMES G The IN K IN R PECIALS | D | BAR S ARTICLES

FINALS BINGO!

let us guess... you’re sitting in the library and can’t focus, right? well don’t scroll through facebook for the 10th time, play our library bingo! stay where you are, or take a loop around your floor, and see how many of these things you can find.

The Black Sheep’s

Guide to Wrapping a Gift

Step 2: Determine Your Length: Ah, victory! Victory over, you Tom, do you hear us? Unravel some wrapping paper and place your gift on it to make sure you measure enough wrapping paper to wrap the whole thing. Otherwise you’re just being wasteful and…wait, now there’s more than enough—like, an inch too much, which is perfect, because now you have to cut the paper. Now it’s time to see what you’re made of, buds-o. The cut should be straight and uniform, just make sure you use a steady hand and, no! No! God, why did you stop to scratch your stomach? Now we’re going to have to start all over because it’s uneven, or, wait, it’s not that bad, just freaking finish this cut and remember to tuck this side under the straight edge, or do you not have the self-control to do even that?

Step 1: Collect Your Supplies: You have the present you bought for the person you want to manipulate care for and you remembered to pick up some wrapping paper at Staples, and what do ribbons or bows matter anyway, right? Good, great, you’re doing well here, you’re even holding those scissors away from your body. Now where’s the tape? You, yes you totally have it somewhere, remember that time you had to hang those—no, stop. Go check the drawer. No, not that one, the other one. It’s in there, isn’t it? It’s not? Well then—Tom. It had to be that asshole Tom. Great. Now you’re going to have to go back to the store and get some—Yes, you’re definitely going to have to pee in Tom’s orange juice—you’re going to have to get some more tape.

Step 3: Determine Your Width: Unless you bought your loved one a two-byfour, that yard-tall roll of wrapping paper you just mangled is going to have to be hemmed a little for wrapping purposes. Measure the gift to determine an accurate cut point on the width sides and get to snippin’. Just—please, for the love of whatever deity it is your root for—do not make the same mistake again. Cut in a straight line, just be certain of yourself, man and don’t rip the—you ripped the goddamn paper, we just said not to do that. Ok, no, we’ll get through this. Just get a finished cut that works in theory. Yes, like string theory, but somehow more difficult for you to understand. We’re crying now, we hope you’re happy. Step 4: Tape the main lines: Remember that first big cut you finished? Now you’re going to tape each side together using one-inch pieces of tape at six-inch intervals. Oh yeah, that’s right, time to use that brand-spankin’-new tape you nabbed in a jif, not that lost-under-his-bed roll that Tom—fucking

Tom—so lazily lost like it was sticky dust in the wind. Now, hold the wrapping seam together with one hand and use the other to tear off a piece of tape and—what do you mean this is harder than it sounds? No, ok, switch hands and try again. No, this way is definitely easier. Ugh, maybe work on your dexterity a little. You know, just let go of the wrapping and pull off like, six pieces of tape and put them somewhere, then use the tape. Jesus, you people. Step 5: Fold and Tape the Corners: You, uh, you haven’t been doing so hot at this, and now you expect to fold and tape at the same time? So you’re really going to do this? Fine. First, tear off four pieces of tape. Once those are easily accessible, pull each corner taught and fold it in half, diagonally. Then, fold in the sides. This isn’t brain surgery-level difficulty but—Christ, ok, just try it again, we’re so close. Deep breath…and fold. Wow, would you look at that. So great, once each of those have been done four times, you should fold and tape your trapezoidal flap to the gift. Goddammit, you forgot to prep the tape again, didn’t you? Fine, we’ll wait. Just…whistlin’ Dixie over here while this Cleatus-faced motherfu—Oh, hey, you’re back! Fold it and tape it… there! Voila! Does it look good? What? No? Well, then…

Step 6: Make Someone Else Do It: With your inability to do anything right, we’re sure you’ll hear it dozens of times this year: It’s the thought the counts. So, when you hand over that perfectly-wrapped gift to your family member or gift-level acquaintance, then you can say, “Hey, I tried wrapping this but I think my parents drove a railroad spike through my head as a child, so I totally butchered my attempt and I had to beg someone way more competent than I to do it for me,” or something to that effect. And beg them, you will.

Good Luck on Finals!