Clemson - Issue 8 - 4/24/2014 by The Black Sheep

A THE B W SEENTIS R D E S PRE E F R E E D O M U A H A N E G A N D A C M S H E I I S S U E L P E E H S K LAC

THE FUN AND GAMES ISSUE Volume 4, Issue 8 • 4/24/2014 @BlackSheep_CLEM

T H E

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FIVE REASONS YOU’LL BE LATE TO YOUR FINAL COURTNEY PAUL WROTE THIS With the final days of classes looming, those pesky final exams are on everyone’s minds. Cooper is full of the usual annoying try-hard teachers’ pets, the beyond-stressed freshmen still trying to hold onto their scholarships, and the crazed crammers who don’t know the second-floor mixer from the deadsilent dungeon. But no matter how hard we’re all Cooper lovin’, we’ve got to actually make it to the exam for all that hard work to pay off. So, because we kinda care, The Black Sheep has put together the top five reasons you’ll be late to your final. Parking Services Was Lurking: Just because you’ve been sitting at the same desk in Cooper for three straight days doesn’t mean your car can wait for you in that 30-minute spot you so hastily chose. Parking Services will tow you and they will enjoy it. And do they care that you’ll fail without your calculator and equation sheet sitting in the trunk or that you can’t show up to your comm exam without the

crayons and silly string you so foolishly left right there on the dash? They don’t. Just be careful not to injure your hand when you punch your car-stealing culprit straight in the face – you’ll need that hand to write up a fake late excuse for your professor. Those Darned Course Evals: Your Adderall binged-out brain didn’t quite make it to your textbook, but, instead, it skipped on over to Blackboard to fill out some “quick” course evaluations. You’ll stay busy ripping that one professor a new one, in perfect five-paragraph essay form nonetheless, until you catch a glance at the clock midsneeze and realize it’s been nearly three hours and your exam started two minutes ago. At least the tangent you’re off on has spiked your creativity and gotten those writing juices flowing. But on your exam, leave out the curse words and the death threats. Curse words and death threats don’t get passing marks.

You Went Downtown: While The Strip is all fun and games any other week, during finals week, downtown poses enough traps to bring down the entire Clemson football team. Whether it was too many Clemson Goodnights and not enough El Jim Bites or the wrath of SLED in the form of some shiny silver handcuffs, you’ll wake up anywhere but your lecture hall. In your hung-over, barely-conscious stupor, you’re better off running to the nearest Bojangles than attempting to run that program your black-out alter ego so lovingly finished. Because as loving as that alter ego may have been, we would bet the big bucks that it wasn’t quite as intelligent. You Got Lost: No, you’re not still stuck in the freshman world of wandering, unable to decipher between the Horseshoe and the Shoeboxes. You retired your campus map phone app months ago, but that doesn’t mean you have every obscure building on

campus engrained in your mental compass. You’ll be frantically searching for the building you were supposed to be sitting in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday this semester and you won’t find it until at least seven minutes after your exam start. Luckily for you, the professor can’t possibly know your name considering your non-existent attendance record, so how can she possibly kick you out? Right? You Were Engrossed in Social Media: Between your 49 social media platforms, you spend the better half of your day glued to your iPhone, and finals week is no exception. Your all-nighter will include finding a late-night “study buddy” on Tinder, checking out which unfortunate ladies ended up on Gaggle for all of 5 seconds, hoping for a Clemson crush shout out, Yakking that funny one-liner about duck boots and homosexuality, and switching between Clemson Makeouts and

Clemson Bananas to ensure your reputation is still intact. Oh, and a little bit of studying. Unfortunately, cyber time moves much more quickly than real time, and your 15-minute Facebook break will turn into five hours. So, tweet out an SOS before you sprint to your exam and pray your professor isn’t tech-savvy enough to get the projector timer up and running right on time.

If you’ve scoffed through all of these scenarios with a smug that-wont-happen-to-me smirk on your face, we pity you. But, if you’ve considered these with an open mind, well, we still pity you. Because, even if you aren’t late, you still have to take those finals. And, sadly, we haven’t just yet developed a top five ways to pass your final list. Maybe next time. But probably not.

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the quiz

Which Clemson Celebrity Will You Intern With This Summer? Dan Collins wrote this

1) How long ago did you apply for this internship? a) At the beginning of time, the year was 1992. b) Fifteen seconds ago, that’s when all the other kids were doing it, right? c) A couple months ago, my mom made me.

5) What is your stance of underage drinking? a) I’m all for it. b) Alcohol is a drug that plagues the minds of uncommitted athletes. c) As long as they’ve got an ID, any ID.

2) What is your favorite emotion? a) Intensity, I basically piss it. b) Happiness. I feel rainbows. c) What are emotions?

6) What is your favorite food? a) Cereal, drier the better. b) Food is for selling, not for eating. c) Anything with protein to fuel my manly body.

3) Which person are you most like? a) Apu from The Simpsons b) Lil’ Wayne c) Lil’ Lane Kiffin 4) What do you like to do in your free time? a) Shit talk with Steve Spurrier, Twitter’s great. b) What is free time? c) Yell nonsense words at passersby, you chungletorch!

answer key:

13 - 19 Points - The Ice Man:

7) How many hours do you sleep per night? a) 6, if I’m lucky. b) What is sleep? c) At least 12. 8) What is your favorite sport? a) What is sport? b) Basketball c) Football

8-12 Points - Mr. FastPoint:

You’ll be interning with Mr. Fastpoint, meaning you’ll have the worst summer ever. You will learn how to work 22 hours a day and never eat, smile, or talk. If you’re still alive at the end of the summer, it’ll be shocking. And here’s the kicker: it won’t even look good on a resume. But seriously, how is that guy still alive?

You’ll be interning with Harcombe’s famous Ice Man, meaning you will have the most fun summer ever. The internship will provide you with zero skills that will help you in the real world, aside from dealing with the ramblings and shenanigans of a possibly mentally unstable peer, but you’ll have a great time, so who cares.

20 - 24 Points - Dabo Swinney:

You’ll be interning with Dabo. Congratulations, you are a born winner and a great person. This internship will be difficult, more difficult than Dabo’s release of Swag Kelley, but you will learn everything you need to know in life from a true American hero.

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CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

CLEMSON SUMMER JOBS HASHTAGSRAT WROTE THIS

Whether you’re stuck in Clemson because fate has spited you yet again, or you’re here voluntarily because you know it’ll be awesome, it’s Clemson, and it’s summer. You need money, so grab one of these gigs for a few surefire bucks. 10.) Summer TA: You spent your entire year splitting time between tutoring, SI, and wanting to off yourself, and now you’ll be letting your summer waste away into a self-imposed academic wasteland. But then again, you’ll be making bank tutoring dumbasses like us. Evens out, we guess.

CLEMSON TO DISCONTINUE FOOTBALL DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS After another incredibly successful season that concluded with an Orange Bowl victory, excitement for the future of Clemson football was palpable. Despite the loss of Clemson legends Tajh Boyd and Sammy Watkins, the Clemson faithful were confident in Dabo Swinney’s ability to rebuild the team in his image and replicate their previous successes. Many Tiger fans had even begun to dream about a National Championship trophy once again gracing Tigertown’s landscape. Unfortunately, all of those dreams were killed as Athletic Director Dan Radakovich announced yesterday that Clemson would be discontinuing football indefinitely.

subject, though unfortunately, none of their sentiments can be shared due to their vulgar content, threats of death, and excessive profanity. While Dabo Swinney was unable to be reached for comment, Defensive Coordinator Brent Venables was quoted as saying, “I still get paid though, right? Yeah? Then I’m fine with it.”

“There were many reasons behind the decision to stop playing football at Clemson,” said Radakovich over a flurry of boos. “The controversy surrounding the NCAA and the treatment of its athletes has reached a boiling point and we have decided to put an end to this controversy before it blows up in our faces. Plus, we’ll never have a tandem as great as Tajh and Sammy again, so we figured this was as good a year as any if we wanted to end on a high note.”

Of course, the biggest question is, where will the funding that usually supports the football program go? “We looked at each aspect of Clemson life, looking for one area that stood out as being desperately underfunded, but we kept coming up empty. We even considered breaking up the funding between multiple departments,” said President Clements. “Of course, on our second look, it became so amazingly obvious that the only rational solution was to give all the money to Clemson Parking Services. They’ll get it all: the money, the scholarships, and even the facilities. It’s all part of our master plan to make parking in Clemson perfect.”

Amid the school-wide rioting that has since begun, speculation has run rampant as to what might happen to Clemson in light of football’s absence. One of the first to publicly comment on the cancellation of football was Head Basketball Coach Brad Brownell. “Of course it’s sad to-- what am I saying? I couldn’t be happier. Maybe now people will start to believe me when I tell them Clemson has a basketball team, with a coach and an arena and everything. Without football here, we can become just as popular as they used to be,” said Brownell to a crowd of seven, six of which were doubled over in laughter (the other was asleep). Many students have also weighed in on the

Additionally, former starting quarterback hopeful Chad Kelly was also available for comment. “I guess that’s what they get for kicking me off the team. Karma’s a bitch,” said Kelly. “I just hope the other guys were as smart as I’ve been and have something else to fall back on, like I do with my rap career.”

“Right at this moment, there is a car in Clemson, under my jurisdiction, that is illegally parked,” said Parking Services Director Lou Cipher. “And I will not rest until that delinquent has paid Clemson University $30-75 dollars of their, or their parents’ money. With our new funding, we’ll finally be able to do everything we ever wanted. High-speed meter maid carts, supercomputers for extra-fast ticket writing, even matching jumpsuits complete with horns and pitchforks for all of us to wear. Everything we’ve ever dreamed about, all the power, it’s finally ours. Muhaaahhaaahhahahaha!!!”

9.) Fike Instructor: Similarly, you spent your year toning and running and lifting, and will spend your summer doing the same thing. You will constantly extoll the virtue of a good “sweat sesh” to your friends. When you teach spin, everyone will secretly imagine running you over, with a searing visual image of your face beneath the spokes. 8.) Clemson Outdoors Trip Leader: This summer, you’ll be taking the ESP (Early Start Program) students on various hikes as they try to acclimate to Clemson and get an academic jumpstart. Everyone will be jealous of you because all of the kids who go through ESP are really, really hot—even if they’re not the sharpest Tigers of the litter. 7.) Sales Assistant Downtown: The entire summer you’ll be tending to a barren wasteland, other than orientation weekend. At that point in time, you’ll be swamped by the Class of 2018, who will drop mad cash on Clemson-licensed apparel for Solid Orange Friday. After a month or so here, they’ll realize that Solid Orange Friday is for weirdos and foreigners and those Clemson t-shirts, so lovingly bought, will rot away in their closets. 6.) Orientation Ambassador: You’ll develop a sick farmer’s tan and an affinity for name games as you shuttle Clemson’s newest and finest around campus. Your enthusiasm is almost as bright and mentally assaulting as the garish purple and orange polo shirts you will have to wear with those trusty khaki shorts. 5.) Bartender: During the summer, downtown is a hit-or-miss situation—you’ll be serving all of the humans staying in the best place on Earth over the summer, or you’ll be tending to all of the creepy townies that come out of the woodwork to nurse their budding alcoholism. At least you’ll rake in a boatload of tips. 4.) University Housing Worker: Because nothing screams “I loathe others’ happiness!” like being an RA, you sons of bishes can’t stop and won’t stop once the school year ends. Perks of the job will include free residence hall lodging, access to Fike, a meal plan, and never having to let the sun set on your asshole tendencies. 3.) Waiter or Waitress Downtown: During the school year your establishment is packed with kids spending their allowance irresponsibly, your restaurant will be absolutely deserted during the summertime. You’ll spend your time twiddling your thumbs or secretly drinking the monotony away, and wishing you were anywhere but work. Sucks to suck? 2.) Summer School Student: Instead of taking MathSc 107 back at home, you made the wisest of decisions to stay in TigerTown as long as possible to take your classes here. The only issue you’ll have is trying to stay focused amid the temptation of lake days, Crawford darties, and bar crawls with your fellow summerites. 1.) Bumming Around: You’ve reached the holy grail of a Clemson summer— sticking around with absolutely nothing to do. While Clemson is the most magical place on Earth, virtually all of your time is spent balancing school, extracurriculars, your health, and some semblance of a social life. Now, you’ll just get to hang out and enjoy the best Clemson has to offer while doing absolutely nothing else. Everyone with a summer job or internship will obsessively Facebook stalk you at work and curse your existence in jealousy.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT FICTIONAL FINAL WOULD YOU MOST EASILY GET A 100% ON? Anna

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The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Thursday Nights! $3.56 Sushi Rolls

Open for Lunch! Mon- Sat: 11:30am - 11pm Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $9 Liquor Pitchers after Happy Hour every night

MONDAYS: $3 Long Islands Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

Every Night! $0.50 Wings $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Trivia Starting at 8:30pm $2 Well Drinks, $0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

FRIDAY

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8PM $1.50 Mystery Beers at 10PM

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles

SATURDAY

Flaturday Special 2 flatbreads and a bucket of beers for just $12.95

$2.50 Fireball Shots

$3 Liquid Marijuana, $3 Bahama Mama’s

Kitchen Open from 11:30am - 11pm Monday - Friday, 4pm - 11pm on Saturdays Come check out our daily lunch specials!

Closed

All You Can Eat Sushi $12.59

Half price appetizers $8 for a dozen Wings

$3 Long Islands Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

Tourney Tuesday at 10pm

$5.75 Large Pizza, $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

Add Larry Friar on Facebook for Daily Specials!

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Live Bands and DJs!

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Boozey Brunch at 12pm, $2.50 Mimosas and Bloody Mary’s Disco Night! Follow Us on Twitter! @The_Royal_Tiger

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

$1.50 PBR

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud ,$2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Players Night

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Karaoke Starting at 9pm 1/2 Price Bottles of Wine

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers Trivia Starting at 8:30pm $2 Well Drinks, $0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

THE EDGE

TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS

1393 Tiger Blvd. Suite #130 | (864) 653-4545 | facebook.com/ClemsonTheEdge

OVERTIME PALMETTO’S Smokehouse & Oyster Bar

The Grid

MONDAY - FRIDAY $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

TUESDAY: Manager’s Lunch Special! Low Country and Crawfish Boil, $3 Vodkas

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

ASK THE WAITRESS ABOUT THE HOT WINGS CHALLENGE. CAN YOU DO IT?!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Go Tigers!

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

THURS.

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Ribeye Steak Night! $1 off any Steak Topping, $2 off Bottles of Wine All Day! $8.99 Philly Friday (your choice chicken, pulled pork or brisket, includes fries)

24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

$1 off Draft Beer Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

FRIDAY

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

$10 Bottomless Mimosas with entree from 11am-2pm, Low Country and Crawfish Boil after 5pm, $8 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Imported Pitchers BIG Nasty Chicken Biscuit with side for $8.99

$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Tigers Headquarters!

Largest Bloody Mary bar in town!

SATURDAY

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Members can buy beer and wine to go.

Signature Dish Combo: Choose two (shrimp and grits, creole jambalaya, Brunswick stew) and a salad.

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

$8 for a dozen wings, 1/2 off appetizers

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Oyster Bash & Shrimp Jam: Oysters: $0.75 Raw & Steamed, $1 Grilled and Buffalo, $1.50 Dragos or Rednecks, Shrimp: $0.75 Lunch Special! $5 BBQ Sandwich includes fries | $1 Bud Light Drafts

All You Can Eat Wings!

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Weekly Special 104.9 will be in the house for a Radio Show!

MONDAY

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night

Manager’s Lunch Special! Low Country and Crawfish Boil, $3 Vodkas

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

Twosday! Two burger baskets & a pitcher of beer for $12!

TUESDAY

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WED.

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

THURS.

Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm

ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this

Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.

ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns

4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs

For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.

Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.

3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on 7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd

Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”

We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.

6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival

9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.

“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.

8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s

2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd

Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?

One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.

5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts

Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.

1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do

It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Literature: This Harper Lee classic won the 1961 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction. 2) Food: Chanterelle and Porcini are types of this produce. 3) Geography: Europe’s microstate Andorra is sandwiched between the borders of two countries. Name one. 4) Music: What 80s rap group struck anti-establishment gold with hits like, “Straight Outta Compton” and “F*** the Police”? 5) Biology: The 21 variations of these organic compounds found in the human body allow it to produce thousands of different proteins.

Nicholas’ Answers 1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Shrooms 3) France 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Sony 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Daryl Strawberry

NICHOLAS, FIKE EMPLOYEE

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7) Television: What sitcom classic ends with the main character telling a stranger, “Sorry, we’re closed”? 8) Fashion: What hairstyle is defined as a cut with short layers on top with the back left long? 9) Art: Water Lilies is a series of about 250 oil paintings by what French impressionist? 10) Sports: What Hall of Fame-elect was famously known as “The Big Hurt”?

Correct Answers 1) To Kill a Mockingbird 2) Mushroom 3) France or Spain 4) N.W.A. 5) Amino acids 6) Facebook 7) Cheers 8) Mullet 9) Claude Monet 10) Frank Thomas

Nicholas’s Score: 8 out of 10

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6) Technology: What tech giant recently bought Oculus VR for $2 billion?

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DRINKING GAME WALKING HOME FROM YOUR LAST FINAL hashtagsrat wrote this

Oh finals, the bane of everyone’s existence. After two magnificent Clemson semesters full of athletics and lake days and ratchet behavior, spring finals hang over the most beautiful days of the year like a dark cloud of despair. On top of their fun-sucking abilities, finals make even the most intelligent of Tigers feel like their brain is turning into mush , all for a three-hour academic exercise in futility. It’s exhausting, and by the end of the week, just about everyone is ready to get weird. What You’ll Need: Your most covert water bottle filled with wine, and a pint of your favorite liquor. Number of Players: Like life, you’re alone on this one. Level of Intoxication: You’ll actually consider naming your first-born Dabo. HOW TO PLAY: Drink some wine… If you start to rethink how you answered: No good will come of rethinking what evidence you used in your final essay, or the answer pattern on your Scantron. Sure, you might have answered seven C’s in a row, but surely your professor just got a little lazy with the answer variation. Take a swig and avoid rehashing the specifics.

If someone from your exam asks how you did: While co-survivors of traumatic events can find some comfort in talking through the horrors they experienced, just after a final has ended is too soon. Especially when the token overachiever from your class is just trying to brag about their undoubtedly impeccable performance, post-exam chit-chat makes one feel suicidal at best. Politely cut them off and drown them out—or offer them a drink too, if you’re generous. Sharing is caring! If your professor has already posted scores to Blackboard: In some of the bigger lecture room classes, the professors will have TAs post scores to Blackboard within minutes of the exam’s close. Enticing to some, terrifying to others, avoid the temptation to know just how badly you did. Sip some hooch to drown out the visions of a semester-ruining score. Take a shot of liquor when… Your mom texts you to ask how you did: Like any good helicopter parent, your sweet mom has memorized your exam schedule and wants to know how her little genius fared on Math 1060. Avoid the inevitable panic attack that she’ll have over you completely flunking calc and ignore it; take a double if she subsequently tries to call you.

Cramming for exams? Take a minute to study your style. If you’re not wearing it, sell it to Plato’s Closet® for instant cash! We buy gently used guys and girls clothes, shoes and accessories. SO WHEN YOU’RE DONE HITTING THE BOOKS, EARN SOME SUMMER CASH BY SELLING YOUR STYLE TO PLATO’S CLOSET!

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You run into an acquaintance while drinking: While The Black Sheep wholeheartedly endorses seizing the day and living la vida diva, some people round these parts are a wee bit more judgmental. So when you see that Student Government blowhard from your Shoebox floor, or your organization’s Standards Chair, ignore the oncoming embarrassment and offer a toast to their health. Do you, and do so unapologetically. Chug the wine when… You see your professor post-exam: Quell the embarrassment of your professor seeing you nearing blackout mere minutes after your exam by disintegrating your stomach lining. While he may be a liberal academic, it’s still uncomfortable to know an adult has seen you binge drink your emotions away. That being said, offer him a nip if he seems cool—big guys gotta drink too! You realize, regardless of how you did, it is now summer: It’s three months until you have to worry about any of this shit again, enjoy it. The Game Ends When: You realize your internship starts on Monday, unless…

the madlib

Cleaning Up Your Dorm

The end of the year is quickly approaching, so it’s probably time you get off your __1__ and start to clean your dorm room. Living on your own was all fine and dandy before you realized that the __2__ under your bed isn’t the only moldy piece of food you’ll find that’s been there since __3__. Not to mention that if you don’t get started now and mom sees the shithole that you’ve made into a home, she’s definitely going to __4__ you right in your face with no hesitation. You’re thinking, this isn’t going to be too bad or take that long, right? Wrong. Not only is your room display how you’re a pathetic slob, but your roommate, __5__, isn’t exactly Mr. Clean either. You start with your desk, which shows no sign of academic work, but rather __6__ cans of __7__. Underneath all of those cans lay a medley of used __8__ wrappers. Well, maybe you didn’t use your desk this year for actual academic purposes in your __9__ major, but you evidently put some time into studying human anatomy, so kudos to you. Your next challenge is to tackle your closet, it looks your roommate set off a __10__ in it to get back at you for steal-

ing her __11__ that time you had the late-night munchies. The only solution to file through this monstrosity is to grab a trash bag and trash everything, even that horrid __12__ you used one time at that awful 80s frat party. Odds are, most of that themed party attire still has __13__ stains all over it anyways. Sifting through the remains on your floor, you find an assortment of strange items that aren’t typical in a __14__ dorm. You think to yourself, how the hell did I get __15__’s helmet in my room and who did I have to __16__ to even get this? Shortly after that, you find yourself having a moment of silence for __17__, your precious gold fish your mother brought. It’s probably best not to share with mom you forgot him until now when you found him dead, belly up in a __18__ box on the floor, sorry little guy. Maybe you didn’t have the best semester academically, but it’s to assume from cleaning the outrageous contents of your disturbingly filthy dorm room that you’ve had one hell of a year. Besides, we all know that if you spent this past year wasting away in __19__, cleaning out your dorm wouldn’t be half as entertaining.

1) Inappropriate body part 2) Clemson drunk food 3) Year, not 2014 4) Dirty fight move 5) Stereotypical stripper name 6) Ridiculously high number 7) Cheap college beer 8) Brand of condom 9) Your major 10) Dangerous explosive device 11) Microwavable dorm food 12) Tacky thrift shop purchase 13) Sloppy downtown food 14) A Shoebox dorm hall 15) Clemson football player 16) Sexual favor 17) Pet name 18) Greasy Hendrix food establishment 19) On-campus academic institution

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